Before things get too awkward, Miranda Caliban shows up to let everyone know that lunch is ready which is ceviche. What’s that? Well, it’s a raw seafood dish from South America. Since the Baudelaires haven’t eaten anything for awhile, they dig in with their sporks (since knives and forks can be used as weapons according to Ishmael). By the way, they eat ceviche for lunch every day along with seaweed salad for breakfast and onion soup with wild grass for dinner. Oh, and they don’t use spices on their food either so it’s pretty bland. Because Ishmael doesn’t believe in spices so any washed up are taken up to the arboretum. As Miranda and Ishmael toast the Baudelaires with their coconut cordial, Friday lets the kids know she wants them to stay forever. The children aren’t so sure due to Ishmael’s authoritarian demagoguery as well as his bullying and manipulating the other castaways to do what he wants.

For the song, I went with “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast. In the original version Belle spends her first meal at the Beast’s castle with magical inanimate objects bringing her a lavish dinner and a show. Of course, the Baudelaires don’t enjoy a meal that’s nearly as magical as that one. Yet, at least they’re not in hostage situation to a guy who intends to date them. Though they really don’t have anywhere else to go and the islanders seem to be happy with them. But that’s why I’d use that song as a parody.

 

“Be Our Guest” (ASOUE Version)

Miranda:
Ma Cherie Baudelaires, it is with deepest pride
And greatest pleasure that we welcome you today
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a
chair as the dining room proudly presents – your luncheon!

Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin ’round your neck, children
And we provide the rest
Here’s your sporks
Just ceviche
Why, it’s all because of Ish
Try the grey stuff
It’s delicious!
You don’t believe me? Well, it’s fishes
Don’t have much
It’s all bland
On this island, eat what you can
While the dishes here are always second best
It’s not much of a menu
Take a glass and then you’ll
Be our guest
Oui, our guest
Be our guest

Miranda and Islanders:
Not much food
In our way
The same three meals a day

Miranda:
We’ll prepare without some flair
No culinary cabaret!
You’re alone
And you’re scared
But our ceviche’s all prepared
No one’s gloomy or complaining
We’re all castaways remaining
We tell jokes
We do tricks
Though with the word from Ish

Islanders:
And it’s all in perfect taste
That you can bet
Come on and lift your glass
As long as the best cordial lasts
To be our guest

Miranda:
If you’re stressed
Not much dining as you guess

Miranda and Chorus:
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!

Miranda:
Life is so unnerving
On an island so deserted
Not really not much to do around here
Ah, those good old days when I was happy
Suddenly those good old days are gone
Ten years I’ve been rusting
Needing so much more than dusting
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills
Most days we just lay around the island
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!

Friday:
It’s a guest!
It’s a guest!
Sakes alive, well I’ll be blessed!
Cordial’s poured and thank the Lord
I’ve had the napkins freshly pressed
For breakfast
Just seaweed
And my dear that’s fine with me
It’s not cooked since it’s a salad
Kind of bland but you can’t add that
Eat it raw
Very cold
Yes, I know it all gets old
If you’d like, please stay forever if you can

Islanders:
There is so much to do!

Miranda:
Let’s have toast or two
For you, our guest!

Islanders:
They’re our guests!

Friday:
They’re our guests!

Islanders:
They’re our guests!

Islanders:
Be our guest
Be our guest
Our command is your request
It’s been years since we’ve had anybody here
And we’re obsessed
With your meal
With your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
We’ll have onion soup for dinner
With wild grass
It’s kind of thin here
Just one course
It’s no fun
Ish thinks spice goes to arboretum
Then we’ll drink our cordial now as you digest
Today you’ll prop your feet up
But for now, let’s eat up
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!