Just as everyone is dismissed after the scavenging inspection, Ishmael has a talk with the Baudelaires, which basically consists of a lecture stating, “I’ve got a good thing going so don’t mess it up for me.” Except it’s more along the lines of “don’t rock the boat.” As he told the children: “Baudelaires, as your facilitator, allow me to give you a piece of advice, as you begin your stay on this island. Don’t rock the boat. We’ve been living by our customs for quite some time. Most of us can scarcely remember our lives before we became castaways, and there is a whole generation of islanders who have never lived anywhere else. My advice to you is not to ask so many questions or meddle around too much with our customs. We have taken you in, Baudelaires, which is a kindness, and we expect kindness in return. If you keep prying into the affairs of the island, people are going to think you’re unkind—just like Friday thought Olaf was unkind. So don’t rock the boat. After all, rocking the boat is what got you here in the first place.”  Sure the Baudelaires have a habit of upsetting things. But that’s because they’re being chased by a psychopath who wants their money and that no adults don’t believe a word they say.

Naturally, Ishmael’s lecture to the Baudelaires just has to be turned into a song. So what can be more fitting than the Hues Corporation’s “Rock the Boat.” Though the original is “a love song without being a love song.” However, in this version, Ishmael is exerting his influence as a control freak and fascist killjoy he is.

“Rock the Boat” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Ishmael

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat

Ishmael:
Ever since folks washed up on this island
We’ve lived by our own customs for long timespans
Most of us can scarcely recall our lives pre-castaway
The younger generation knows nothing, anyway

So be nice and don’t ask many questions
We took you in kind so don’t pry into the affairs of the island

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat

Ishmael:
So just be nice and keep to our ways
Or else people will think you’re unkind so know your place
I’ve got a good thing going so don’t upset
Don’t make me lose my cool, or you ain’t seen nothing yet

We’ll take these things to the arboretum
Because the chances are unlikely that you’ll ever need them

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this

To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, ooh

Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island

Rock the boat
Rock the boat
Rock the boat
Rock the boat