Thanks to thinking he can name an island after himself and take over the so-called “primitive” islanders, Friday and Count Olaf argue about the place until he threatens her with a harpoon gun. But Friday simply tells him that the islanders will be coming out to scavenge and witness whatever Olaf would do to her. This results in the villain lowering his harpoon gun. As the little island girl graciously invites the Baudelaires to come with her, she tells Count Olaf to go away since he’s not a nice guy. Too bad the Baudelaire children could’ve threatened Olaf to keep him in check 13 books ago. Now Count Olaf is all alone and it’s all his fault.

For ASOUE parodies I usually stayed away from Cat Stevens since his songs usually don’t match the books’ tone since they’re quite sunny and upbeat (even if they’re used in the comically dark Harold and Maude). But I thought his song “Drywood” fit for Friday since its strong powerful tone. It’s not a well-known song of his. Yet, the original version has a more spiritual direction. In this version, I have Friday talk back to Count Olaf and threaten him.

“Drywood” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Friday Caliban

You’ve got to learn, to brighten up your ways
This is not your Olaf-Land
We aren’t backward, so shut your damn face
You can go with us, or we can leave you in the sand
Now that you’ve got no place to go
And you stand alone
Know that there’s just one place to be
And it’s on the shore, oh
Like drywood takes to fire the truth will come to you
Like streams that seek the ocean they will find ways through
Like morning meets the moon, come now, I’ll guide the way
It’s time to suck your pride now, go away
Don’t come to take us over, that’s not a so good to do
Don’t come to take us over, go now and screw you

We live in tents down near the shores
We’re not your submissive natives
We’re civilized and live by rules

And we’re in no way, you’d find as primitive
Now that you’ve got no place to look
And you stand alone
Know that’s there’s just one place to be
And it’s on our shoals, oh
Like fish that seek the water, the truth will come to you
Like leaves upon the soil, they will find ways through
Like flowers seek the sun, come now, I’ll guide the way
It’s time to suck your pride now, go away

You think you really own this but you only washed up aground
You don’t rule over me
But we don’t want anyone here
Who’d rather push us around

You think you can threaten me but all the islanders will soon be out
They’ll see you shoot me dead
So if you conduct any violence
They will all toss you out
You may aim that harpoon gun, put islanders through hell
You may just merely maim me but you
Better, better, better behave
Yourself, oh, no, no, no.

Like drywood takes to fire the truth will come to you
Like streams that seek the ocean they will find ways through
Like morning meets the night’s stars, come now, I’ll guide the way
It’s time to suck your pride now, go away
Don’t come to take us over, that’s not a so good to do
Don’t come to take us over, go now and screw you.