After the Baudelaires try to defend themselves like the nth time, little else gets discussed about the Sugar Bowl. Esme wants it back because she believed that Beatrice stole it from her (except she didn’t, Lemony did). She then threatens to have Carmelita shoot Dewey which erupts into an argument between the spoiled brat and Count Olaf. This ends with Olaf yelling that he never wanted Carmelita anyway, surprising practically nobody but Esme. And he thinks she can use some discipline, which means the girl must be a real piece of shit. Notwithstanding this results into a domino effect and a heated argument between Count Olaf and Esme on whether she quit, was fired, or left by mutual agreement. In any case, they split up as a result which doesn’t make anyone miss them as a couple. In fact, you kind of have some respect for Olaf dumping Esme for her obsession of fashion and narcissism. And while she’s sitting around relaxing, he’s doing all the hard work. Which is fair.

The song I chose is “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon whom I’m not really sure is about. Warren Beatty, maybe? Whoever it is, it’s more of a critical profile of a self-absorbed love who doesn’t seem to care about anyone else. Count Olaf and Esme would qualify in spades. Seriously, these two are just utterly terrible people you want to push off a cliff. In this version, I have Count Olaf and Esme arguing and breaking up.

 

“You’re So Vain” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf and Esme Squalor

Count Olaf:
You walked into the salon
Like you were walking on a yacht
You had two lettuce leaves placed on your breasts
A couple covered your crotch
You had one eye on the mirror
As you watched that brat gavotte
Thought I’d just take that girl’s harpoon gun
That girl’s harpoon gun, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain,
I’ll bet you think this scheme is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Esme Squalor:
Oh, you had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
You had some dreams involving stealing kids’ fortunes
Stealing kids’ fortunes, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this scheme is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Count Olaf:
You’re too obsessed wearing the strangest fashions
The strangest fashions, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this scheme is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Esme:
Well I hear you went to the Mortmain Mountain
Where Kit Snicket stole your heart
Then you went into the hinterlands with Madame Lulu
To know where the Baudelaires are
Well, you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not, you’re with some V.F.D. spy
Or the wife of a close friend,
Wife of a close friend, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this scheme is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Both:
You’re so vain
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain,
You probably think this scheme is about you
You’re so vain