As with any book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, Count Olaf is bound to show up at some point. And he’s glad to have the Baudelaires in his clutches. Mistaking him as Ernest, Count Olaf demands to hand the kids over, Dewey refuses while his existence seems like news to the villainous actor. After they argue about the children and who has more people on their side, Olaf reveals that Fernald and Fiona have defected and stole his submarine, which you could totally see coming in The Grim Grotto. For one, even though she betrayed the Baudelaires and broke Klaus’s heart, Fiona put them above doing Olaf’s bidding by letting them escape in the Queequeg from The Carmelita. Because she only joined the count to be with her brother. Secondly, if you want to keep your henchmen close to you, pilfering their mom’s jewelry and taking away what’s supposed to be a gift to use a biological weapon is a terrible idea. Let’s just say you can see their defection coming. Yet, Olaf also points out to the kids that they can’t trust any of these people since they let them down. Not to mention, each person that the kids name present in the hotel can be countered by someone there who doesn’t give two shits about them. Then there are people like Mr. Poe who may not be on their side but they’ve ended up being a bigger help to Olaf than them. He then berates the Baudelaires telling them that there are no noble people in this world. Sunny mentions the parents, but there may be some dark secret Olaf knows about them, too. Though you have to admit, their parents totally sucked at estate planning.

For this song, I decided to go with the “Phantom of the Opera” theme from the musical. In the original, the Phantom hypnotizes Christine and leads her to his lair to make her sing like a canary which can come off as, well, creepy. Despite how the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical have made him a sex symbol, Erik the Phantom is a bad guy who’s possessive and controlling of Christine Daae. What they have isn’t a relationship based on love but abuse and male entitlement. And while Erik might be an outcast due to his face, he’s not a guy you should sympathize with over Christine rejecting him. And it’s part of why I whenever I parody this musical, I mostly give the Phantom’s part to villains. In this version, I have Count Olaf return to the Baudelaires yet again.

 

“Count Olaf Has Come After Us Again”

Violet:
When we escape from him, he always came
To make our lives a hell and smear our names
He’s in our nightmares and now we find
Count Olaf has come after us again
Like every time

Count Olaf:
Sing once again with me our strange duet
My power over you grows stronger yet
And though you run from me I’m close behind
Count Olaf has come after you again
For the last time

Violet:
We’re just stand in this room

Count Olaf:
Ernest, come here

Dewey:
My name is Dewey, sir
Stand back from here

Count Olaf:
So there are three of you
Thought there were two

Klaus:
Count Olaf has come after us again
And we can’t hide

Violet:
Beware, no good will come from Olaf

Count Olaf:
Tri-Eyes and Hooky, they stole my sub
You can’t trust anyone

Klaus:
Well, now you’re through

Count Olaf:
Good adults always let you down and help my side
Count Olaf has come after you again

Violet:
Go fuck your lies

Count Olaf:
Nobody’s good, orphans!

Violet:
You’re wrong, our parents were always noble (Vocalizes)

Count Olaf:
Sing!
Sing you brat!
Sing, like you mean it!
Sing you brat!

I have come here
To the scene of the Thursday’s event
To Hotel Denouement where it will all go to hell
Delightful…

I have come here
For one purpose and one alone
Every person who cares about you
Can be countered by one who don’t give a shit
You dumb orphans
Fuck orphans…