Naturally, the idea of trapping Esme to use as a bargaining chip to get Sunny back is a rather villainous idea. But as far as Violet, Klaus, and Quigley are concerned, there doesn’t seem much alternative. Besides, Klaus insists they must “fight fire with fire.” So they decide to lure her with the Verdant Flammable Device since she thinks they’re rather “in” cigarettes. Then trap her by digging a hole in the ground with their hands which they’ll cover. Quigley also has them use his rope for them to get out. Still, none of the kids are comfortable with the idea which is viable but not necessarily right. Yet, they spend digging the hole all night.

Anyway, I couldn’t think of a better song for this sequence than “Rock the Casbah” by The Clash. The original version revolves on a ban of Western rock music by an Arab king and his failed efforts to get the population to stop, including sending jetfighters to bomb them. But even the pilots aren’t listening. Anyway, the song was inspired by Iran’s rock music ban after its 1979 Islamic Revolution. In this version, I have Quigley and the elder Baudelaires set up a trap for Esme and not feeling happy about it.

 

“Let’s Trap Esme”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Quigley Quagmire

Quigley:
Use Verdant Flammable Device
For some kind of handy bait
Esme sees as “in” cigarettes
So we won’t have long to wait

Violet:
The easiest trap plan I have
Involves digging a deep dark pit
Which we’ll apply a cover on
As she stands falling in

All:
We really don’t like it
Let’s trap Esme
Let’s trap Esme
We really don’t like it
Let’s trap Esme
Let’s trap Esme

Klaus:
We’ll dig it with our hands
Use a pitcher for a scoop

Quigley:
We can use my climbing rope
So we won’t be trapped in, too

Violet:
Though this plan’s within reach
Doesn’t means it’s right
But Olaf’s got Sunny
He won’t give her at a slight
So we must capture
Somebody else
Just to get her back

All:
We really don’t like it
Let’s trap Esme
Let’s trap Esme
We really don’t like it
Let’s trap Esme
Let’s trap Esme

Klaus:
We must fight fire with fire
And we better dig the pit
But this won’t be a pleasant task
While we’re feeling like shit

Violet:
But there’s no backup plan
We must get Sunny back
Though we feel like villains
We must set up a trap

All:
We really don’t like it
Let’s trap Esme
Let’s trap Esme
We really don’t like it
Let’s trap Esme
Let’s trap Esme

Violet:
We’ll be digging a hole all night
Since we only have our hands
Though Count Olaf is a psychopath
Trapping Esme is our plan

Klaus:
When she comes down here
She’ll try to sate her fix
Then she’ll fall in
To be our bargain chip

Quigley:
We’ll take her to Olaf
At the top
Then we’ll have a trade

All:
We really don’t like it
Let’s trap Esme
Let’s trap Esme
We really don’t like it
Let’s trap Esme
Let’s trap Esme

We think it’s not kosher
Fundamentally we can’t take it.
You know we really hate it.