A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Doctor!”

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In the Hostile Hospital book, Count Olaf’s disguise as Human Resources Manager Mattathias is merely an intercom for he never shows his face. Though it’s highly implied that he threw Babs off a building to get her job. He claimed she resigned, stating:  “She decided to pursue a career as a stuntwoman, and has begun throwing herself off buildings immediately…”  And while he first announces inspections to keep the Baudelaires on their feet, he also asked that anyone in the hospital with valuables should take them to Human Resources to be looked after. Of course, we probably know that people who take their valuables there will never see them again. Yet, in the TV show, Olaf’s disguise as Dr. Mattathias Medicalschool appears as a doctor. Given Count Olaf’s personality and his surgical tool collection he uses to intimidate certain patients, you’d expect him to be a kind of shameless sadist. I mean the guy is total psychopath. Besides, if this is a musical, he has to appear visually.

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The song I chose for his introduction as Dr. Mattathias Medicalschool is “Dentist!” from Little Shop of Horrors. The original version is about Audrey’s sadistic dentist boyfriend who thrives on torturing his patients, including a masochist named Wilbur Force. Still, it’s pretty apparent that whoever wrote this very much dreaded going to the dentist. Just kind of get that feeling. In this version, I have Count Olaf sing about being a sadistic doctor at Heimlich hospital. Because I can’t resist this. C’mon, you have to imagine Count Olaf dancing around torturing patients and throwing some out of windows.

 

“Doctor!”

Sung by Count Olaf (as Dr. Mattathias Medicalschool)

Count Olaf:
When I was younger, just a bad little kid
My mama noticed funny things I did
Like shooting puppies with a B.B. gun
I’d poison guppies and when I was done
I’d find a pussycat and bash in its head
That’s when my mama said

White-Faced Women:
What did she say?

Count Olaf:
She said, “My boy, I think someday
You’ll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay
You’ll be a doctor

White-Faced Women:
You’ll be a doctor

Count Olaf:
You have a talent for causing things pain

White-Faced Women:
Pain

Count Olaf:
Son, be a doctor

White-Faced Women:
Son, be a doctor

Count Olaf:
People will pay you to be inhumane

White-Faced Women:
Inhumane

Count Olaf:
Your temperament’s wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a doctor
You’ll be a success

White-Faced Women:
Here he is, folks the leader of the quacks!
Watch him suck up that gas!
Oh, my God!
He’s a doctor and he’ll never ever be any good
Who wants to be cut up by the Marquis de Sade?

Patient:
Oh that hurts!
I’m not numb!

Count Olaf:
Oh, shut up. Count from ten. Here I come!
I am your doctor

Patient:
Goodness gracious!

Count Olaf:
And I enjoy the career that I picked

White-Faced Women:
Love it

Count Olaf:
I am your doctor

White-Faced Women:
Killing patients

Count Olaf:
And I get off on the pain I inflict

White-Faced Women:
You really love it

Count Olaf:
When I start amputating those soldiers
Those guys will be screaming like holy rollers

White-Faced Women:
Doctor!

Count Olaf:
And though it may cause my patients distress
Somewhere in heaven above me, I know that my mama’s proud of me
‘Cause I’m a doctor- and a success
Say aah

Patient:
Ahh

Count Olaf:
Say aah

Patient:
Ahh

Count Olaf:
Say ahh

Patient:
Ahh

Count Olaf:
Now splat

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