When the Baudelaires reach the Library of Records in the basement, they meet an elderly man with small glasses named Hal. The place consists of 2 rooms. The first comprises of an intercom with a table and a bowl of fruit. The second room is a vast warehouse filled with columns of filing cabinets. Oh, and they’re filed using Hal’s on organizational brand. Paperwork comes down the chute, paperclips removed, read as little as possible, and go to Hal to unlock the cabinet where it goes which can be in an arbitrary category. And the documents aren’t for reading. Also, Hal doesn’t have all the keys to the cabinets either since Sunny volunteers to use her teeth to unlock some. He then identifies the kids as the Baudelaires since he saw their picture from the Snicket File. But he doesn’t necessarily believe they’re murderers since he thinks The Daily Punctilio is full of shit which it is.

The song I picked here is Billy Joel’s “Half a Mile Away” which is about going out and having a good time during the night after a long time. In other words, it pertains the exact opposite of filing with references to drinking, listening to music, hanging out, picking up women, and bullshitting. Basically, he needs a break for himself after trying to please everyone else during his day. So in this version, I have Hal sing about what the Baudelaires are to do which is administrative work to his personal style.

“Just to File Away”

Sung by Hal

Library of Records is a sacred place
I’m record keeper Hal and this is my home base
Follow men and I will surely train
Filing cabinets are all at wall height
Here’s a high ladder to climb, climb, climb
Cause your only job is solely just to file away

Paperwork comes down through the chute
Remove clips and read what you need to
Then tell me to what drawer to open away
They’re not for reading anyway
Since these files need to stay, stay, stay
Cause your only job is solely just to file away

Solely just to file away

Take the weather at Damocles
Which is near some lake so ask me to unlock drawers for D, W, or P
I’ll open up the drawer so you can file it away
Just try to keep the hospital satisfied
Though I remember from the Snicket Files, Files, Files
Though your only job is solely just to file away

Solely just to file away