In the seventh book The Vile Village, Mr. Poe sends the Baudelaires to the village of V.F.D. as part of the a new program where the village serves as the kids’ guardian. The kids chose V.F.D. since it’s an acronym associated with their friends Duncan and Isadora Quagmire who had previously discovered a secret associated with Count Olaf. The children hop on a bus to V.F.D. which is far off in the desolate deserted Hinterlands and without Mr. Poe’s supervision (unlike the TV show, he doesn’t even step foot in V.F.D. in the book). At some point, the bus dumps them off at some point because V.F.D.’s Council of Elders makes them, leading them to walk through a flat, dusty, landscape for miles. Reaching the Town Hall, they’re dirty, windswept, and sunburned. They also find their new village home covered in crows. Inside the Town Hall, they meet the Council of Elders who aren’t impressed by their appearances and proclaim the children do all of the village’s chores. They also meet new police chief Officer Luciana who’s able to speak on the platform while the Baudelaires aren’t. Not to mention, they’re sent to live with a handyman named Hector because no one else wants to take care of them. Oh, and did I say V.F.D. has a lot of ridiculous rules? Yes, they’re basically structured to protect the inhabitants against having to do or think about things that would make them uncomfortable.

The song I chose here is “Cool, Cool, Considerate Men” from 1776, which is basically poking fun at conservatives, particularly those who weren’t too keen on declaring American independence or the Revolution. After all, they have land, cash in hand, and futures planned. Why risk it all for independence? After all, that would mean losing everything, leaving your family destitute, and getting executed. In this version, I added a few things regarding crows. Mostly because V.F.D. stands for the Village of Fowl Devotees.

 

“Cool, Cool, Considerate Men” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Council of Elders and V.F.D. Residents

Chief Elder:
Oh, say
Do you see what I see
Three kids standing here in sweet serenity

I could sneer
The reason’s clear
For the first time in a year
Dirty orphans here

And look
The sun is in the sky
A breeze is blowing by
And there’s not a single fly

I sing Hosanna, Hosanna
(Hosanna, Hosanna)
And it’s cool

Come ye cool, cool conservative men
Whose like we want to keep same and plain
We have land, cash in hand
Self-command, future planned
Fortune thrives, society survives
In neatly ordered lives
With well-endowered wives

V. F. D. Residents:
Come sing
Hosanna, Hosanna

Chief Elder:
In our breeding and our manner
We are cool

Come ye cool, cool considerate set
We’ll dance together to the same minuet
To the right, ever to the right
Never to the left, forever to the right

Let our creed
Be never to exceed
Regulated speed
No matter what the need

Come Sing

V.F.D. Residents:
Hosanna, Hosanna

Chief Elder:
Emblazoned on our banner
Is “keep cool”

With crow hats
Tightly latch
Everybody match

Esme Squalor (as Officer Luciana):
I have a new dispatch!

From the Precinct Captain of the Hinterlands District, dispatch number 1,158, to the honorable Council of Elders.

Dear sirs and madams,

Since the previous Chief of Police is unwell due to having swallowed pins, we are sending Officer Luciana as a substitute until we can choose a more permanent replacement.

Chief Elder:
Well, that checks out. Welcome to V.F.D., Officer Luciana. Anyway, let’s turn to the Baudelaire orphans who are going to stay with us and do all our chores. We’re open for questions.

Violet: Well, we’d like to ask a few.

Chief Elder:
Don’t speak while you’re on the platform square. This is for the residents. Ah, Mr. Lesko.

Mr. Lesko:
I’ve read the Daily Punctilio. I’m concerned that the Baudelaires will bring more trouble with them.

Klaus:
Well, we can’t help if Count Olaf shows up wherever we are. Maybe if you just listen to us-

Chief Elder:
Shut up! Baudelaires, in V.F.D., understand that guardians give children chores. Since we’re all your guardians, you do all our chores.

V.F.D. Residents:
What we do
We do rationally

Chief Elder:
We never, ever go off half-cocked
Not we

Council of Elders:
So you know
Always respect the crows

Chief Elder:
Don’t disturb the crows
Don’t step on their toes

So who wants to take these kids in
To give them food and roosting?

V.F.D. Residents:
We cool, cool men

Chief Elder:
Nobody wants to take in the Baudelaires? Well, Hector, join us in our minuet. Take the children to your digs.

Hector:
Whatever you say. But I feel a bit faint. Talking you just makes me nervous.

Chief Elder:
Okay fine
But before dismissal time
Let’s make a new guideline
To protect the orphans’ lives

Let’s make it Rule #19,833 stating that villains aren’t allowed on the premises.

Klaus:
Because not allowing bad guys has always worked in the past. Yeah right.

Chief Elder:
Shut up!

Violet:
Can’t you just let us speak?

Chief Elder:
Rules are rules, kid. We can’t make exceptions, can’t we? Long as you’re on the platform, shut your mouth.

Klaus:
But what about Officer Luciana?

Chief Elder:
We give exceptions to police officers. Now shut up! Long as you’re here you’ll follow our rules….

V. F. D. Residents:
To the right, ever to the right
Never to the left, forever to the right

Where there’s crows
Don’t step on their toes
Let them fly and roam
Since we make our town their home

Chief Elder:
I sing Hosanna, Hosanna
In a sane and lucid manner
We are cool

V.F.D. Residents:
We’re the cool, cool considerate men
Whose like we want to keep same and plain
With our land, cash in hand
Self-command, future planned

Where there’s crows
Don’t step on their toes
Let them fly and roam
Since we make our town their home

We expect you early in the morning
To do all our chores then

We cool (cool)
Cool (cool)
Cool (cool)
Cool (cool)
Cool (cool)
Cool (cool)

Cool
Cool
Men!