Unfortunately, there’s someone who Aunt Josephine should be afraid of but somehow isn’t. And that guy is rental boat service owner Captain Julio Sham who’s essentially Count Olaf in disguise. They run into him while at the town market for supplies to prepare for Hurricane Herman. Yes, I know they’re near Lake Lachrymose but somehow they get hurricanes. Anyway, this Captain Sham proceeds to flatter Aunt Josephine as well as pretend being charming and friendly to the kids. He even offers them boat rides. But while the Baudelaires are obviously unconvinced that they’re practically pointing his true identity as Count Olaf to her on the spot. But Aunt Josephine takes Sham’s flattery hook, line, and sinker. Because how could this friendly, crusty, old sailor be Count Olaf if he has a peg leg due to the Lachyrmose leeches devouring it after he spilled puttanesca sauce on it. and his own business card? Yeah, she actually goes by that.

The song in question I use for this scene is Queen’s “Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy,” which I originally intended for the Ersatz Elevator. But since it focuses on a guy bragging on how great a lover he is and looking for revelry and romance, I decided it would be more appropriate to use this song as a way for Olaf to charm the pants off of Aunt Josephine. And while there may only be romantic undertones to Captain Sham’s flattery toward Aunt Josephine in the TV show, this pretty much fits with his schick in emotional manipulation. So I’ll go with it.

“Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf (as Captain Sham)

Count Olaf:
I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things
We can do the tango, just for two
I can serenade and gently play on your heart strings
Be your Valentino, just for you

Troupe:
“Ooh love, Ooh lover boy
What’re you doing tonight? Hey boy”

Count Olaf:
Set my alarm, turn on my charm
That’s because I’m a good old-fashioned lover boy

Ooh let me feel your heartbeat (grow faster, faster)
Ooh can you feel my love heat? (Ohh)
Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love
And tell me how do you feel right after-all
I’d like for you and I to go romancing
Say the word, your wish is my command

Troupe:
“Ooh love, Ooh lover boy
What’re you doing tonight? Hey boy”

Count Olaf:
Write my letter, feel much better
I’ll use my fancy patter on the telephone

When I’m not with you
Think of you always
I miss you (I miss those long hot summer nights)
When I’m not with you
Think of me always
Love you, Love you

Hook-Handed Man:
Hey boy where do you get it from?
Hey boy where did you go?

Count Olaf:
I learned my passion in the good old
Fashioned school of lover boys

Dining at the docks we’ll meet at nine (1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 9 o’clock) precisely
You will pay the bill, I taste the wine
Driving back in style, in my old boat will do quite nicely
Just take me back to yours, that will be fine (Come on and get it)

Troupe (Count Olaf):
“Ooh love (there he goes again)
Ooh lover boy (who’s my good old-fashioned lover boy wohh wohh)
What’re you doing tonight, hey boy”

Count Olaf:
Everything’s all right, just hold on tight
That’s because I’m a good old-fashioned (fashioned) lover boy