A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Auntie Knows Best”

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After the Baudelaires expose Stephano as Count Olaf and linking him for Uncle Monty’s murder, Mr. Poe sends the Baudelaires to live with a dowager named Josephine Anwhistle. Called Aunt Josephine, she’s a kind-hearted woman who tries to make them feel welcome like provide a room neat and clean as well as gifts, but she’s kind of nuts. Mostly because she’s so afraid of everything that she makes Adrian Monk look like Evel Knievel. For instance, when Monk is worried about leaving his stove on, Aunt Josephine won’t even use one. While giving the children a tour, she explains how each and every thing is dangerous including doormats, doorknobs, telephones, and even realtors. But somehow she can live in a house that’s literally on the side of a cliff and hanging over Lake Lachrymose. Also, Hurricane Herman is on its way. Not to mention, she’s very fond of grammar that her library is filled with books on the subject as well as cares more about how people say things than what they say. Not surprisingly, since living with her means getting presents they didn’t like, eating cold meals, boring grammar lessons, and cold nights, the Baudelaires don’t enjoy their time with her. But they decide to stick it out because they know that Aunt Josephine means well. And well, anything’s better than Count Olaf.

unfortunate-aunt-josephine

The song I parody for Aunt Josephine here would be “Mother Knows Best” from Tangled. And unlike the ASOUE version I did, the original is way more disturbing since it pertains to Mother Gothel trying to keep Rapunzel in the tower so she could have access to her long golden locks with anti-aging properties. And she is best described as an abusive parent, which isn’t kike Aunt Josephine at all. Nonetheless, I use this song to show how batty and paranoid she is.

 

“Auntie Knows Best”

Sung by Josephine Anwhistle

Aunt Josephine:

Come in, but not too quickly, children…

Might trip on the welcome mat
And possibly decapitate yourselves
Oh, please don’t touch the radiator

Violet: Why’s that?

Aunt Josephine:
Because you don’t want to explode, dear
Might not want to sit down on the sofa
Cause it could fall over and crush you flat
And you don’t want that

Klaus: What?

Aunt Josephine:
Shh!
Trust me, pet
Auntie knows best

Auntie knows best
Listen to your auntie
It’s a scary world out there

Auntie knows best
One way or another
Something will go wrong, I swear

Televisions, thugs
Avacados, bankers
Cannibals and snakes, the plague

Violet: No!

Aunt Josephine: Yes!

Sunny (translated babble): Get her help!

Aunt Josephine:
Also large bugs
Men with pointy hats, and
Stop, no more, you’ll just upset me

Auntie’s right here
Auntie will remind you
Children, here’s what I suggest

Don’t be crazy
Just use safety
Auntie knows best

Sorry, but please don’t use the stove here
Otherwise, it could just burst into flames
Best to use the wood and not the doorknobs
Cause they may shatter into a million pieces

Careful when you get into a taxi
Car doors can trap you from inside
When it’s too late, you’ll see, just wait
Auntie knows best

Auntie knows best
Don’t stay on the phone long
Otherwise, electric shock
Careful with the fridge
It can fall and crush you
Like a massive falling rock
Don’t go to the lake
Despite its lovely beaches
Since there’s gonna be a hurricane
Make no mistake
Lots of nasty leeches
Which devoured my dear husband
Auntie understands
Auntie’s here to help you
All I have is one request

Baudelaires?

Violet and Klaus:
Yes?

Aunt Josephine:
Know that I’m only trying my best

Klaus:
Okay, Aunt Josephine. But what’s with the tin cans?

Aunt Josephine: They’re for waking you up in case of a burglary.

Violet:
So if Lake Lachrymose terrifies you why don’t you move?

Aunt Josephine:
I would but I’m afraid of realtors.

Don’t forget it
You’ll regret it
Auntie knows best

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