Just when you think the Baudelaire children are safe from Count Olaf, he shows up at their doorstep. This time in the guise of a bald-headed and long bearded lab assistant, Stephano. Once he arrives, he wastes no time belittling the children and threatening to cut off one of Sunny’s little toes. Nonetheless, having Count Olaf back in their lives isn’t good news to the Baudelaires who remember how he terrorized them in the previous book. They don’t know how he’s found them. But they have an idea on what he’s going to do to them now that he has. Since whenever Count Olaf’s around, it won’t be good.

A good song to mark Stephano’s introduction would be Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” Written by his songwriter partner, Bernie Taupin, it’s essentially a parody of John’s celebrity lifestyle and is considered one of his best hard rock cuts. In this version, I have Count Olaf threatening the orphans before Uncle Monty arrives from a shopping trip. Still, to imagine him dancing with a knife while singing this song a la Elton John is kind of hilarious. But not to the Baudelaires.

“The Bitch Is Back” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf (as Stephano)

I was justified when I was five
Raising Cain, I spit in your eye
Hello, midgets, now you let me get in
Or you’re gonna get the knife because the bitch is back

Violet, still the same stubborn gal
Klaus, your frames are an idiotic sight
Sunny, how’s it like having nine small toes
Oh, you got ten yet I can easily cut one of those

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
‘Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

I entertain by picking brains
Set my sights on financial gains
I don’t like those, my God, what’s that
Oh I’m full of nasty habits when the bitch is back

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
‘Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
‘Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

Bitch bitch, bitch is back
Bitch bitch, bitch is back
Bitch bitch, bitch is back
Bitch bitch, bitch is back