Unfortunately, when Uncle Monty arrives, he doesn’t initially realize that Stephano isn’t the lab assistant he portrays himself to be. But the Baudelaires are at a loss of what to do about it. They know they should tell Uncle Monty yet he’s either not paying much attention to them at the moment or Stephano is around with a big knife to make sure they don’t. Whether it’s rubbing a knife on Violet’s knee during dinner, peering through his window, or smashing a large brass reading lamp over Monty’s head and blaming Klaus over it, his presence is almost inescapable. And it’s enough to drain their enthusiasm for the Reptile Room and living with Uncle Monty. And it doesn’t help that the adults around them didn’t seem to get the memo the first time.

Perhaps a good song for their predicament would be, “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” from The Sound of Music. Though the original version pertains to nuns complaining how Fraulein Maria doesn’t exactly fit in to the nunnery and is better off spending time looking after a widowed captain’s kids. In this version, Violet and Klaus frustratingly struggle to find ways to tell Uncle Monty about his shady lab assistant.

 

“How Do You Solve a Problem Like Count Olaf?”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
He portrays an Italian lab assistant
With a skullcap on his hair
He talks in an offensive accent
That’d make Don Vito gape and stare
And he’s sporting a long beard
That makes him surely mad
But we all know that he is just a phony

Klaus:
He’s always late for lab work
But he’s always there to steal
He’s always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Stephano’s not an asset to Montgomery

If Uncle Monty’ doesn’t see through his spiel
He’s going to get him killed

Violet and Klaus:
How do you solve a problem like Count Olaf?
How do you convince Monty and pin him down?
How do you find a way to expose Count Olaf?
To convince adults who thinks he’s not around

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing that’s better left unsaid
But how do you reveal the Count
In order to get him out
How do you make sure he goes jail?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Count Olaf?
When adults don’t listen to what you say?

Klaus:
When I’m with him I’m angry
Filled with fear and constant dread
Though he’s dumb but certainly no fool
Unpredictable as weather
His scheming’s awfully clever
He’s a con man! He’s a demon! He’s a sham!

He’d outcon any scam
Put a gangster on the lam
He’d gleefully steal from babies and the old
He is evil! He is greedy!
He’s a riddler! He’s a devil!
He’s a killer! He’s a schemer!
He’s a fraud!

Violet and Klaus:
How do you solve a problem like Count Olaf?
How do you convince Monty and pin him down?
How do you find a way to expose Count Olaf?
To convince adults who thinks he’s not around

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing that’s better left unsaid
But how do you reveal the count
In order to get him out
How do you make sure he goes jail?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Count Olaf?
When adults don’t listen to what you say?