What the hell is the jack-o’-lantern doing here? Halloween’s over.

As most of us have seen A Christmas Story, we all know that Ralphie’s dad received a leg lamp after winning a sweepstakes contest. Still, despite A Christmas Story being a family film, this leg lamp is certainly an R-rated decoration.

Wait a minute, isn’t Santa supposed to be using his reindeer as transportation for his sleigh? I thought that reindeer were means of getting there, not passengers.

I understand that dinosaurs are cool kid appeal animals, but still, they haven’t roamed the Earth in 65 million years. To have a dinosaur in Christmas regalia is about as anachronistic as The Flintstones Holiday Special.

Well, this does make a good decoration since deer hunting season starts on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Still, this has unfortunate implications if you know that Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer and the message of “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.”

When you take the Christmas stuff off of this decoration, you have yourselves an inflatable lawn decoration of Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea.

Knowing that Santa lives in the North Pole, then he must be a member of the Polar Bear Club. Still, what the hell are these penguins doing here? They live in Antarctica, not the North Pole for God’s sake.

Looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus might need to go to marriage counseling or aren’t on great terms right now.

Still, at least this decoration gets it right that female reindeer do have antlers during this time of year. And in many species, they are the only ones with antlers in December since the males have shed them since mating season. Still, I’d rather not recommend roller derby to anyone since it’s a very violent sport.

So if Santa Claus is an aging bohemian, does this mean that smoking pot, taking drugs, and engaging in free love won’t get you put on the naughty list? Also, does this mean that soldiers get coal this year?

Wait a minute, snowmen are made of snow and shouldn’t be shivering in the cold. If they get warm, they melt. Simple is that. So why is this snowman getting the chills?

As a practicing Catholic, I need to say that this inflatable decoration makes no theological sense whatsoever. I mean most Christians usually celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Christ. Well, Noah’s Ark is recorded in the Old Testament Book of Genesis so there’s no reason why it shouldn’t have any Christmas decorations on it. What’s next, Moses dressed as Santa or Adam and Eve wearing elf costumes? Because both such decorations would just be as ridiculous as this.

Seriously, what the hell is that snowman doing here next to a palm tree? Snowmen basically melt and evaporate in warmer, tropical climates. So there’s no reason why Frosty should be near a palm tree in the first place.

Now I don’t know about you but doesn’t it seem a bit odd that Santa is still in his red suit? I don’t mean to be rude, but if Santa doesn’t strip out of that big red winter suit anytime soon, he might as well be rushed to the hospital for heatstroke. That, or sweating like hell.

Gingerbread people seem surprisingly nonchalant about being baked alive! Seriously, what kind of sick and twisted person think this would make a great Christmas decoration? It seems more likely to give kids nightmares.

Now cute as this decoration may be, we must understand that penguins usually live in the Southern Hemisphere with the northernmost ones residing in the Galapagos Islands. And I’m sure that cowboys have little-or-nothing to do with Christmas either. So a penguin cowboy Christmas decoration would more or less make better sense in Chile or Australia where it’s summer.

Sorry, kids, but none of you are getting presents this year because Santa’s got a gambling problem and needs to pay his loanshark bookies.

From the Huffington Post, “Surprisingly, global warming is welcomed by Santa and his… hula penguins.” Need I say more. Also, at least Santa has his shirt on.

Then again, there are a lot of firefighters out there who do look like Santa Claus. I mean a lot of firefighters I’ve seen do tend to be obese and may have white beards.

And when we mean “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” we mean she was run over by one operating a steam roller. Still, first vehicular manslaughter and now this? What’s Santa doing to these reindeer?

Keep in mind that a motorcycle holds way fewer presents than a sleigh and the insurance is higher. Also, wasn’t there a Six Feet Under episode in which a mall Santa got hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle? The biker funeral episode is perhaps one of the best of the series but those kids will be in therapy for life.

Still, we have to acknowledge that penguins don’t live in the North Pole and even if they did, they’d certainly not get along with polar bears. In fact, the polar bear would certainly eat them.

Man, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with the reindeer being out of work. Also, what’s Rudolph to do with his red nose now that he’s unemployed?

So does this mean that Santa is taking these penguins back to the Southern Hemisphere where they belong? If not, then where?

Still, I hope that elf gets better by next Christmas in the North Pole hospital’s intensive care unit. He’s going to need it as well as go to the North Pole physical rehabilitation center afterwards.

Wait a minute, Santa gives presents to children, not take away cargo and other items from merchant ships! Then again, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors. Still, why does this even exist?

Wait a minute, isn’t the idea of a 9ft tall penguin something from a nightmare? Still, why does this thing exist?

Since December is deer hunting season, it’s hard to tell whether this one is hunting for his own kind, trying to protect himself, or both. Either way, there’s something very wrong with this.

Santa should be lucky that Dasher was able to get a hold of the sleigh fire extinguisher and put out the flames in time. Sadly, Santa didn’t have a spare pair of pants and had to spend the rest of the night giving presents to kids with his rear end exposed.

Since how does Santa ever have time to go camping with his reindeer? Also, isn’t he supposed to be making toys this time of year?

Now this is bound to give Spongebob’s youngest fans nightmares. Yet, I hope he gets back into shape after the holidays. Still, he doesn’t seem remarkably disturbed by looking like a Christmas tree.

Well, if you want a new Xbox for Christmas, Santa has to pay for it somehow. Those presents don’t pay for themselves, kiddo.

Seriously, those things are basically gas guzzing four wheeled motorcycles. Besides, I’m sure they’re not cheap either and make lots of unnecessary noise. Not to mention, Santa seems just way too cool for those.

Santa, this seems too dangerous for you! You don’t want to wreck on the racetrack don’t you? Still, why does this thing exist for God’s sake?

From Huffington Post: “We get that sometimes people have to take lifeguarding gigs in the summer, but SANTA? Really?” Still, I could understand Rudolph but I’m not sure if reindeer know how to swim.

So how does Frosty manage to scoop up the popcorn from the machine without melting his hand? I mean it takes a lot of heat to make popcorn pop doesn’t it? Perhaps Frosty should just stick to selling ice cream instead.

Uh, doesn’t it get hot when you turn on a motorcycle? I mean people wear leather jackets on them for a reason. Still, it’s a wonder Frosty is able to retain shape while riding one.

Wait a minute, cacti live in warm desert climates, not in places with snow. Also, they aren’t things you want to decorate because of their needles. Not to mention, I’m not sure if a cactus has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever.

For God’s sake, Santa, pull your pants up, will you? Nobody wants to see your naked ass this holiday season! God almighty, why does this even exist?

Man, Santa seems to have lost a lot of weight since he started working out more at the North Pole gym.

Of course, there are plenty of truckers who look like Santa Claus so maybe Saint Nick is onto something here. Still, I bet the reindeer aren’t too happy being unemployed though. And I’m sure that truck is a gas guzzler for sure.

Wait a minute doesn’t reindeer transport prevent the need for Santa to stop at a gas station? Also, even if the sleigh were powered, wouldn’t run on some kind of alternative fuel source like magic?

Now I’m not sure Darth Vader would make an appropriate Christmas decoration mainly because he blew up his daughter’s planet and froze her boyfriend in carbonite before handing him over a bounty hunter, cut off his son’s hand, killed his mentor, and force choked his employees. Yeah, I’m sure this Star Wars villain is on the Dark Side of the Force and you wouldn’t want this man to be your father. Definitely not a character who fits the Christmas spirit.

Perhaps we should concede that Santa Claus probably isn’t the best driver as far as reindeer pulled sleighs are concerned. Still, I wonder if he has accidents every year or just once in a blue moon.

Of course, we should all know that the elf talked the polar bear into it. Guess he ain’t getting any presents this year. Still, I’m sure the bear isn’t going to be happy once Santa sorts things out.

I’m sure this doesn’t bode well with the quality of toys this year. Still, I think he should give the reindeer their jobs back before they go on strike for higher pay.

I can understand the penguins since they might freeze to death during Antarctic winters. But the snowman? C’mon, it’s made out of snow.

Sorry, that Santa couldn’t go on his rounds this year. So you’ll have to make do with Spiderman. Sure he has no sleigh and reindeer, but he can swing house to house with his web.

Let’s hope nobody drinks too much eggnog, especially Captain Santa. Then again, I might watch out for the polar bear, too.

Now this absolutely makes no sense to me. I mean Santa was about to catch that fish wit intent to have it for dinner. But both seem quite cheerful for some reason.

Uh, spidey, are you sure you’re going to do fine with that sack? Looks a bit heavy. Hope you don’t break your back. Also, you might want to give the job to Superman. Or Ironman.