Fun with Taxidermy

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 6, 2014

While Halloween may be over, there’s still another aspect of fall which I haven’t yet covered. Sure all the scary stuff may come to an end, but since fall is the mating season for many woodland creatures, it’s also the season for dead critters. That’s right. Dead critters. Whether they’d be hit and run victims of country road traffic or casualties of hunting season, fall is basically the season of death for many of North Americans creatures who live on the verge between wilderness and civilization. This is especially true since two major dishes of the season are turkey dinners and venison. And it’s no wonder that deer hunting is such a major thing in my home state in Pennsylvania that the Monday after Thanksgiving is basically a state holiday. As someone who attended public school, I never went back the first day of hunting season since it was closed that day for this very reason. Still, in order to commemorate the North American wildlife season of sex and death, I shall compile a post on the art of mounting and stuffing dead animals for display known as taxidermy. Whether it was for preserving specimens for museums or hunting trophies, fooling onlookers, or creating whimsical scenes, it has always been with us. Sure those “Meat is Murder” people might find the practice barbaric while other see it as creepy, disgusting, or tacky. Yet, there’s just something very fascinating about stuffed animals in which the skin was from an actual animal. Still, without further adieu, here are some of the creative ways people tend to have fun with dead animals.

1. Allow me to tell you the tale of Aladdin squirrel and his magic lamp.

Now the most amazing thing about this piece is how the person managed to have Aladdin squirrel fly on a flying carpet that seems almost too small for him. Of course, a great song for the Disney version would be “Arabian Nuts.”

2.Some kind of scuffle seemed to erupt at the mice bar over some reason.

This is a piece of good old Victorian taxidermy by Walter Potter. Still, you have to admire how Old World mice tended to spend a lot of their social lives in taverns.

3. Just a typical mouse family spending quality time watching Tom and Jerry cartoons.

Normally us humans may see the Tom and Jerry cartoons as just a bunch of entertaining animated shorts. Yet, to mice, they’re known to be gritty animated action dramas and Jerry is viewed as an action hero.

4. Observe the mouse taxidermist at work on mounting a beetle.

If it wasn’t for the formaldehyde, the bug, and obvious lack of plastic wrap on a mouse victim, I would’ve thought this was a taxidermy tribute to Dexter.

5. Nothing shows a squirrel from the streets than his gold chains and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, this is perhaps the famous rapper sensation Nutt Daddy. He's known for rapping about the hard life he's had on the wrong side of the trees.

Of course, this is perhaps the famous rapper sensation Nutt Daddy. He’s known for rapping about the hard life he’s had growing up on the wrong side of the trees.

6. See these two mice having a picnic and sharing a hoagie.

Sure there may be some morbid connotation with using dead mice, but this is still pretty adorable. Still, shouldn’t one of them have a knife to cut the hoagie? It would be much easier to eat it that way.

7. Looks like these two raccoons are engaged in a game of pool.

"So what are going to play, bub? Nine ball, eight ball, straight pool, one pocket, or bank poo?"

“So what are going to play, bub? Nine ball, eight ball, three ball, straight pool, one pocket, speed pool, or bank pool? Nevertheless, don’t be a hustler.”

8. Come and see the bluegrass sensation, the Soggy Bottom Squirrels.

Then again, I’m sure this bluegrass squirrel band doesn’t consist of ex-convicts, unlike George Clooney and his friends in O Brother Where Art Thou?

9. Looks like this deer is all primped and ready for her big day down the aisle.

Wait a minute, unless it’s possibly a reindeer, then it’s most noticeably a buck in drag. Then again, perhaps it’s a tribute to the M*A*S*H episode in which Corporal Max Klinger marries his sweetheart on the airwaves.

10. Looks like this squirrel is going hunting in his fancy new hat.

Now this is another Victorian taxidermy piece. Don’t get me wrong, there are species of squirrels that are omnivores. Yet, the nut eating gray squirrel is the conventional stereotype.

11. Now here is a taxidermy piece of two squirrels getting nasty.

For animal mating scenes, I'm not as prudish because you see a lot of animal sex on nature programs, which are mostly considered appropriate programming for children. Of course, the main reason for this is that animals are more likely to be seen during the mating seasons.

For animal mating scenes, I’m not as prudish because you see a lot of animal sex on nature shows, which are usually considered G rated TV programming. Of course, the main reason for this is that animals are more likely to be seen during the mating seasons.

12. This fox really needs a fix before he shows symptoms of withdrawal.

Yeah, this fox really wants to get high from smoking the hookah right now. Note that hookah smoking isn’t a safe alternative to cigarettes and can kill you.

13. Say hello to this little green beret squirrel’s AK 47.

Now this must be the cutest little US Army Green Beret I’ve ever seen. Of course, you wouldn’t want to touch his acorns.

14. Here’s a raccoon firefighter about to turn on the hydrant.

Either the raccoon’s turning on the hydrant, taking a whizz, or possibly both. Still, it’s probably both.

15. Oh, that backstabbing nut eating son of a bitch! This was supposed to be a duel!

Then again, dueling is kind of a stupid idea, especially to the death. Yet, we have a sport derived from it called fencing. Still, that gray squirrel is a bastard.

16. All a rabbit needs are his carrot and his bottle of Corona.

This is probably a real life version of Bugs Bunny’s alcoholic brother Bertram who never amounted to anything except siring a bunch of bunnies without paying child support. Nobody mentions him.

17. Lizzie Cornden took an ax, and gave her mother 40 whacks. Once she saw what she had done, she gave her father 41.

Yes, this is a taxidermy diorama of Lizzie Borden with her ax. Of course, the real Lizzie was acquitted for killing her dad and stepmom and it’s not known whether she did. Still, if she did it, whack count was at 11 for her stepmom and 19 for her dad. Not only that, but if guilty, she probably killed them over a family dispute.

18. Now here is a taxidermy piece of a miniature griffin.

Yes, there are specimens that fit in the category of rogue taxidermy. Now this griffin was created from a house cat and a bird of prey, but it’s still rather realistic looking. Of course, in mythology, griffins are much bigger.

19. Seems like this squirrel has taken up bow hunting.

Now I think this is quite hilarious if you know what I mean. Still, I have a neighbor who actually does this as a hobby.

20. Ladies and gents, let’s give a warm welcome to Cowboy Corny McNutt and his bucking rattlesnake Jake.

Now I’m sure riding a rattlesnake is perfectly safe for a squirrel. Oh, yeah, I forgot snakes usually eat them if they should exist in the same environment. Then again, gray squirrels and snakes don’t co-exist anyway.

21. Here we come to view the annual guinea pig cricket match.

And yet another example in Victorian taxidermy. Of course, you could tell it’s an English piece since it takes place on a cricket field. It’s said that these matches tend to be an all day event with tea breaks. Yet, don’t ask me how it’s played because I think it’s like baseball with paddles and rules being made up as they go along.

22. And now ladies and gentlemen, scenes from a boxing match with Nutty McNuttchuck and Acorn T. Oakenshield.

This is a diorama of a squirrel boxing match. Notice the squirrels have no shirts on and aren’t going bare knuckle. Still, I wish they’d sport handle bar mustaches for the old timey feel.

23. I give you the Fellowship of the Cheese that seeks to venture to Mount Doom to destroy the one cheese to rule them all.

Yes, this is a mouse diorama for Lord of the Rings. Let’s just say everyone in this display save perhaps Gimli and Gandalf may not possibly be as cute as their movie counterparts.

24. “Do you, Tom Muffins, take Kitty Catnipkins to be your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold, for richer and poor, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health so long as you both shall live?”

Yes, this is a kitten wedding scene from the Victorian Era. Sure it may look rather cruel by our standards, but back in the day, it was very common to kill kittens to control population.

25. On the night he was betrayed, Cheesus to the bread, gave it to his disciples, and said, “This is my body, which should be given unto you.”

Of course, I had to do a taxidermy take on the Last Supper since it’s a very famous painting. Nevertheless, I can’t really tell who’s who here other than Jesus.

26. Here’s a squirrel lady posing with flowers in a pretty dress.

I suppose this might’ve been taken from a famous painting or not. Still, those flowers are simply not real by any means.

27. Here’s Cheese Carell on The Late Show with David Litterman.

Now this is a diorama for Steve Carell’s appearance on David Letterman in which he presents this diorama. Still, I think the mice should’ve been the other way around since Letterman has lighter hair.

28. Didn’t know that there was ever a school for bunnies, was there?

I sure hope they teach sex education in rabbit school because when these bunnies grow up in a few months they’ll be breeding all over the place, like rabbits. Of course, a lot of them would be eaten in the meantime.

29. Greetings from the Coontz family.

There always has to be that one guy who has to ruin the photo. Guess it’s the kid making the smart ass sign.

30. This gangsta pigeon has all the French fries on his turf.

Wait a minute, wasn’t there an Animaniacs cartoon of three gangster pigeons which was a take off from Goodfellas? Still, I don’t think that pigeon would want to eat French fries since they aren’t really good for you.

31. Either this squirrel is playing in a recording studio, bar, or nightclub.

“Sing us a song you’re the piano squirrel,
Sing us a song tonight.
Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody,
And you’ve got us feeling alright.” Harmonica music should ensue by this point.

32.Seems like critters tend to have a lot of fun while going on drinking sprees or fishing trips in the woods.

Still, you have to admit it’s funny to have chipmunks wearing Robin Hood like hats. Still, they should be aware of any banjo playing rodents especially in the Appalachian Mountains. Nevertheless, chipmunks are technically squirrels. Same goes for woodchucks and prairie dogs. They’re all in the same family, folks.

33. Now those two mallard ladies look pretty in their dresses.

Hey, wait a minute. Those are guys! Female Mallards are basically brown. Thus, such a scene makes it seem the avian equivalent to drag queens. This may not have been the taxidermist's original intent, but it sure looks that way from an avian standpoint.

Hey, wait a minute. Those are guys! Female Mallards are basically brown and shabby looking. Thus, such a scene makes it seem the avian equivalent to drag queens. This may not have been the taxidermist’s original intent, but it sure looks that way from an avian standpoint.

34. This black clad coyote bandit is among the meanest in the Old West and is quick on the draw. Watch him, I tell you.

Of course, the Cowboy Coyote’s luck will run out once the Roadrunner shows up. After that, he’ll be basically smashed, blown up, mangled, frozen, and injured in too many ways to count.

35. This pigeon is watching you, following you, and taking pictures of you.

Before we had more advanced technology, the NSA used to send spy pigeons all around the country to monitor suspected terrorists. Of course, in practice, these pigeons didn’t always live up to the government standard and sometimes spied on normal Americans instead.

36. Just two raccoons going on a canoe trip gently along the stream.

Hope they don’t go up Shit Creek. And if they hear banjos playing, then they should just keep paddling unless they want to end up like Ned Beatty on Deliverance.

37. Looks like Sergeant Squirrel is about to throw a grenade.

Let’s hope he throws it quickly after he pulls the pin or he’ll have his freaking hand blown off or perhaps the rest of him.

38. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the real Puss in Boots.

I don’t know about you, but this Puss seems to be a lot more sinister looking than he does in the Shrek films. Still, it’s fairly as close to a live action version as you’re going to get.

39. There’s nothing in this world than seeing a squirrel on his ride.

Of course, he should wear a helmet in case he wrecks. Or else, he might cruise his way to an early death and have his organs donated to some other squirrel who’s waiting for a kidney.

40. Now this must be some frog circus.

Of course, the frog ringmaster is perhaps doing a music routine of, “Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Hello, my ragtime gal…..etc., etc.”

41. Behold, the raccoon samurai.

I’m not sure if that’s a raccoon but it totally looks like it. Still, I find it hard to have taxidermied raccoons as Asian figures. I mean they’re only native to the Americas, not Asia. Also, katanas were most likely used by samurai as fashion accessories at best.

42. Man, this squirrel duel to the death sure can be brutal.

Yes, I think this may be another piece from the Victorian Era. Still, I hope the acorns were all worth it.

43. Now this is one well dressed vixen.

Wait a minute, is she wearing a mink stole? I thought so. Then again, minks are more or less related to weasels, skunks, badgers, otters, and wolverines. Foxes are canines. Still, PETA is going to kill me.

44. Just a lonely lady groundhog gathering flowers near the well.

I’m not sure if this lady is waiting for her sweetheart, mourning, or about to eat the flowers once the butterfly flutters off her face. Still, these creatures are usually remembered as the ones who have their on holiday in February that inspired a Bill Murray film.

45. Looks like gophers had their own nostalgia about the 1950s.

Of course, though this may seem like a 1950s nostalgia scene, notice that the male gopher isn’t wearing any pants or a helmet. Also, the motorcycle doesn’t look 1950s to me.

46. During the winter, it’s not uncommon for young groundhogs to spend snowy days after school building a snow man.

Of course, they ignore the fact that groundhogs are usually in their dens most of the early winter until perhaps late January or early February. And then they go back in.

47. Here’s a native groundhog languishing at his teepee.

And it seems like this one is a Plains due to living in a teepee and sporting an elaborate headdress. Hey, what am I saying? Groundhogs are native to North America and they don’t dress like that at all. They also live in holes in the ground.

48. The Punxsutawney Trio performs at the Old Tyme Music Jamboree.

Of course, the one gopher’s guitar seems like it was straight from Guitar Hero. Still, with a trumpet player, harmonica, and guitar, it’s hard to tell what genre they’re playing.

49. Old Froggy Tadpollan enjoys a pipe and a pint at the Olde Frog Legs Inn.

Let's hope whatever he came on to this place doesn't get toad. Still, he's likely to stagger out of the place.

Let’s hope whatever he came on to this place doesn’t get toad. Still, he’s more likely to stagger out of the place than hop by the end of the night.

50. Ladies and gentlemen, Toad Rundgren.

Sorry, but I don’t know who Todd Rundgren is or his music. Thus, I can’t set any song of his to funny amphibious music lyrics. Ribbit, ribbit.

51. This ray is just flaming hot right now. I mean seriously, flaming.

Now this is a true infernal Devil Ray. Yet, I’m not sure whether it’s from Florida or Tampa Bay. Still, would make a better mascot for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays than the one they have now.

52. Here’s a scene of Chip and Dale visiting a nudie show.

While Chip likes to look at the mini taxidermied pheasants, Dale wants to see a topless girlie show. You know this won’t be resolved easily.

53. Be vewy, vewy, quiet. Wabbits are hunting you.

Some rabbits deal with hunters through wisecracks and clever cartoon antics. But this rabbit seeks revenge for the hunter or pest control business that killed his family.

54. Just a black bear doorman taking his smoking break.

Let’s just say that being a doorman could sometimes be unbearable. Still, I don’t think smoking is allowed in most buildings anymore.

55. This fox must be a real wino if you know what I mean.

Of course, he’s the kind of fox who’d eat a rabbit’s liver with a fine Chianti. Yet, I’m not sure if he’d have fava beans as a side.

56. And now, I’ll show you a genuine Florida Gator.

Now what I don’t understand is that why this guy didn’t devour that annoying Tim Tebow when he had the chance. I mean he could’ve gotten Tebow while he was praying on one knee.

57. Now this squirrel is very well read and knowledgeable of current events.

Of course, this squirrel is reading about the acorn trade in today’s Oak Street Journal. Nevertheless, let’s home he’s not a frequent watcher of Fox News which is staffed by actual foxes in his case.

58. Raven priest will give you hear your sins.

Now this old bird is from the Victorian Era. Still, he’s pretty sharp and well read in his scripture, isn’t he. Of course, don’t ask about his habit of saying, “Nevermore” at funerals.

59. Looks like it’s bridge night for all the woodland creatures.

Now I’m sure they’re playing for pennies. Yet, considering that the rabbit is playing against known carnivores, he may just as well be playing for his life.

60. Black Bart McNutt is one of the most acorn mad and trigger happy squirrels in the West.

No, I’m sure he’ll soon bite off more acorns than he could chew. Still, predators should watch this black hat wearing gray squirrel.

61. This beaver can certainly play a mean accordion.

Then again, he probably did a performance of a polka at the Lawrence Welt Show back in the day. I’m sure a lot of young beavers were forced to watch it.

62. Now this raccoon plays the court jester.

This raccoon seems a little sad. Guess things aren’t going too well for jesters these days. Then again, this might be another Victorian piece.

63. Rana and Ardilla are all dressed up for their mariachi band.

I have to like the squirrel in his little sombrero and mustache. Still, I don’t think I’d like to listen to a frog sing though, even if it is in Spanish.

64. Of course, this squirrel would wish for a little privacy, please.

Yeah, he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s in the outhouse smoking, drinking, and looking at nudie pictures of other squirrels. He’d very much like it if you shut the door.

65. “Time to cook, Jesse Pinkmouse.”

Yes, these are Breaking Bad taxidermied mice. Yes, these are Walt and Jesse. And yes, we have to acknowledge that meth is a big problem in the mouse community as well.

66. “Time for your shot, Nutty.”

Does the squirrel need restrained because of its fear of needles? Or does this have something to do with some kinky BDSM? Maybe I don’t want to know.

67. This raccoon is getting ready for her night out.

“Hope I’m ready by the time Rocky comes over. I want to look my best before he takes me to dinner at the dumpster of that French Restaurant. Heard the food there is amazing.”

68. Looks like these squirrels are after some serious game.

You might want to watch out for squirrels in orange vests this fall. Seriously, watch out for them. Nevertheless, this is too much.

69. Now this is a truly American eagle.

I’m sure most of its feathers are fake on this star spangled bird of prey. Still, you bet they’d breed one live if they could.

70. Birch Reynolds is posing for his legendary centerfold.

Now I think this version of the Burt Reynolds picture is better than the original. Seriously, Reynolds didn’t seem to be that good looking to me. Still doesn’t.

71. Now here’s a little bunny in a dress and bow.

Of course, this is the kind of stuffed animal you'd want to scare your kids with. Then again, it's derived from a Betrix Potter character.

Of course, this is the kind of stuffed animal you’d want to scare your kids with. Then again, it’s derived from a Beatrix Potter character.

72. This squirrel has been working on his family farm for generations.

Wait a minute. Aren’t gray squirrels tree creatures? And aren’t ground squirrels much bigger that you wouldn’t consider them squirrels at all? Still, this is pretty amusing.

73. This old goat is a rather distinguished gentleman.

Of course, this is Dr. Billy Gruff, professor of organic chemistry at Nanny State University. He’s a Baa Scholar and has written a lot about the nutritional value of tin cans.

74. I bring you the Voodoo squirrel witch doctor.

Let’s just say that real life voodoo isn’t as malicious as you see in the movies. Still, the mice sacrifice thing might be going a little overboard here.

75. Now, kids, here’s an exhibit of a cougar taking a shit in its natural habitat.

Now I wonder if the taxidermist wanted to show movement but somehow ended putting the cougar in a shitting position instead. Still, it’s pretty damn funny and will probably get a lot of museum visitors.

76. “The Northwoods Kangaroo Court is now in session with the Honorable Judge Wolf presiding over Northwoods vs. Bucky Badger.”

Now I guess Lynx is the prosecutor on this one and I guess the badger basically killed a couple of pheasants. Still, examining evidence is giving Judge Wolf quite the appetite.

77. Either this is a cat queen or a taxidermy rendition of Grizabella’s performance in Cats.

“Memory all alone in the moonlight.” Then again, Grizabella was much more haggard and mangy than this cat ever was.

78. Now here’s an adorable diorama of a kitten tea party.

Of course, this is another Victorian taxidermy piece and involves kittens, which is disturbing. Still, this could just as easily be a cat take off of Downton Abbey.

79. Look, kids, a genuine rocking horse.

Now this is another toy that might scare the bejesus out of little kids. This is especially true if they’ve been to a horse farm or live there.

80. This jackass has had too much to drink.

Then again, this piece can be a great artistic interpretation of how me and my fellow liberals and Democrats feel after the 2014 Midterms. I mean the donkey is a symbol of the Democratic Party, no?

The Wonderful World of Architecture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 3, 2014

Now last time, I compiled a list of ugly houses most people wouldn’t want to live in. This time, it’s on to architecture outside the residential area. Now in metropolitan area, we are exposed to a lot of buildings on any given day. Most of them are built to serve a function of one sort or another. Some of them are used for businesses and commercial institutions. Others for industry. There are even those that are used for functions related to religion, governmental, recreational, academic, and other functions. While most of these buildings are designed for some sort of purpose with some giving more creativity to the architect than others. Yet, we all want these buildings to look nice since the architecture reflects how many people see us as a whole. Not to mention, nicely designed buildings attract tourists who want to see them, which means money. I could go on and on about some of the loveliest buildings in the world from the ancient Asian pagodas and medieval Gothic cathedrals to Monticello, Mount Vernon, and Victorian style mansions and palaces. Yet, you’d probably be bored to tears over such details. Instead, I’ll focus on some of the buildings designed in such a way that would make people wonder their architects were on while drawing the blueprints. Of course, most of these will be modern architecture examples by the way. Still, before I go further let me go over what this post doesn’t include:

1. Buildings that are decrepit, messy, and abandoned as well as suffering from poor upkeep.

2. Buildings constructed in poor areas and bad neighborhoods.

3. Buildings either under construction or demolished.

4. Any building that’s boarded up and seems condemned.

5. Any building suffering damage from a disaster.

6. Any establishment that’s built for solely utilitarian purposes like industrial buildings or shopping centers. Most people don’t go to admire the architecture from these places. These were buildings that were constructed to be seen.

7. Buildings not yet constructed as far as I know.

Of course, many of these will be from urban areas and pertain to establishments that are civic, commercial, academic, religious, or recreational. There may be a few residential establishments as well but they’ll mostly be apartment buildings. So now without further adieu, here are some architectural eyesores for your viewing pleasure.

1. To kick things off, here’s a great building specimen from the Soviet era.

My mistake. That’s actually Boston’s City Hall, which was constructed in 1968. Still, it kind of has an essence of everything you’d see in an old Soviet building like utilitarianism and austerity. Not to mention, not being much to look at.

2. Man, this building seems to have a lot kids T-ping it on Halloween. I wonder how they get the stuff off.

Wait a minute, that’s part of the actual building? Then, why does it look like the kind of place where Spiderman would practice slinging his webs for God’s sake?

3. Behold, the giant building monster of doom!

That’s actually the Portland Building in Oregon. It was built in 1982 and won a prestigious honor in 1983. Still, a columnist for The Oregonian is reputed to say some years later, “the ‘huge blue tiles, colored glass and odd pastel flourishes meant to evoke early modern French paintings’ actually resembled ‘something designed by a Third World dictator’s mistress’ art-student brother.'”

4. Now here’s a building shaped like a giant robot.

This is a building from Bangkok and yes, it does resemble a giant robot who wants to “kill the humans.” Still, it would’ve been rather appropriate for a tech company in Silicon Valley or Japan. By the way, it’s actually a bank.

5. Now here is an exceptional example of architectural apartment design, as if appropriate for Dr. Seuss.

This is actually an apartment building in Seattle, Washington. And while the balconies seem to be a little askew, the right most column seems like it’s being consumed by a sea monster.

6. Now is this some large power plant or Darth Vader’s planetary palace?

Actually, this place is known as “The Beehive” which houses New Zealand’s Parliament. But still, it pretty much looks like some evil overlord’s palace from a science fiction film. Still, it’s said that New Zealand is a very nice place to live and a rather progressive one, too. I mean it was the first country in the world to give women the right to vote in 1893.

7. Now for those wanting to travel a country with an actual evil overlord, you might want to stay in this building as an emblem of his delusion of grandeur.

This is the Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang, North Korea. It’s actually not quite finished from the inside as far as I know the exterior certainly is. And the fact that North Korea is trying to promote tourism may make this building soon open for business. Still, it’s nicknamed, “the Hotel of Doom,” and I’m not sure how such a nation with a very hostile to foreigners would want to encourage people to vacation there.

8. Now here’s a very interesting spaceship or deep sea monster of some sort. Seems like it’s made out of toothpicks.

It’s called the “Palacio de Congresos” and it’s in Spain. I have no idea what it’s supposed to be or what the architect’s intent was. Nevertheless, it’s pretty hideous looking as if it’s some large beast from outer space.

9. Large skyscraper man is watching you.

This is the Russian Embassy of Havanna. Yet, it kind of looks like some giant warrior frozen in a mixture of glass, steel, and concrete over some sort of curse. But it's still pretty intimidating.

This is the Russian Embassy of Havanna. Yet, it kind of looks like some giant warrior from a 1980s cartoon frozen in a mixture of glass, steel, and concrete over some sort of curse. But it’s still pretty intimidating.

10. I give you, the abstract castle.

Let’s just say if today’s architects were living in the Middle Ages, most medieval castles would look like this. Still, I think medieval lords would’ve executed them before such edifices would get off the ground. By the way, this building is from the Middle East.

11. What better way to top off your skyscraper than with a giant golf ball?

This is Etisalat 1 in Dubai, UAE and serves as headquarters for a telecommunications company. Now aside from being a tee to a giant golf ball, I also liken this to a fancy type of ball deodorant.

12. Wavy foundation, crumbled upper floors on top.

This is the IAC headquarters building in New York City. It’s designed by Frank Gehry, which is why it looks like as if someone took a piece of striped paper, folded it into a paper accordion, and tore it in two before putting one on top of the other. You’ll be seeing a few Gehry specimens in this post.

13. Finally, we have a nice Buddhist Temple in China.

This is the Famen Temple complex area in China’s Shaanxi province. Reminds me of that Oral Roberts’ University sculpture with the hands praying. Yet, geometric in gold with an Asian temple between them. The real Famen Temple is actually nice once you get through this eyesore. And you’ll have to deal with a crowd, being in China and all.

14. And now, here’s a picture of a giant stone vacuum.

Wait a minute, this is a French church for God’s sake? It’s called the Church Saint Peter in Firminy, France. It was designed by Le Corbuiser. Still, it just seems like this building is better suited for some other planet.

15. Now what can be better than having a giant robot on your building?

I think this building is for a technical college in Japan. Still, while the figurehead looks a mix between Speed Racer and Robocop, it's fairly fitting actually. And we're well aware that Japan has a reputation with creating robots to do more things than anyone ever thought of.

I think this building is for a technical college in Japan. Still, while the figurehead looks a mix between Optimus Prime, Speed Racer, and Robocop, it’s fairly fitting actually. And we’re well aware that Japan has a reputation with creating robots to do more things than anyone ever thought of.

16. Seems like this building has been through a disaster.

This is the Ray and Maria Stata Center at MIT, which is another design by Frank Gehry. Let's just it just looks as though a hurricane blew through it. Thankfully, it's not used as MIT's school for architecture.

This is the Ray and Maria Stata Center at MIT, which is another design by Frank Gehry. Let’s just say it looks as though a hurricane blew through it. Thankfully, it’s not used as MIT’s school for architecture.

17. With the dark brown facade and multitude of chimneys, I swear this is a new factory in the wrong zone.

Actually it’s the Portcullis House in London, which was built to provide offices for members in the UK Parliament. Yet, it seems to resemble some hideous Victorian mansion and factory complex from a Charles Dickens novel. Also, the color is terrible.

18. For those who don’t remember, this is where James Bond works, not his enemies. Yet, some of you may not be able to tell.

It’s the SIS building in London also known as the MI6 building from the James Bond movies. I know it’s what you’d get if you design a military industrial complex like a 1980s wedding cake. Still, you get to see it blown up a lot in James Bond movies like Skyfall, for instance.

19. Now this Pixel Building is very trippy, man.

This is the Pixel building in Melbourne, Australia. It’s supposed to be in an experimental style of green architecture, which is why it looks like it was designed by someone on brown acid. Nevertheless, its glass pieces can change color as well as be used for several designs.

20. Now here is a building that would be great for a super sci-fi villain’s lair.

Now this is the Geisel Library in San Diego, built in honor of Theodore Geisel a. k. a. “Dr. Seuss.” This style is more reminiscent of something you’d see from Star Wars or Close Encounters with the Third Kind. Would’ve been better if its chief benefactor designed this building himself.

21. This Saint Nicholas Catholic Church in Valais, Switzerland is the embodiment for the Swiss principles of clockwork and austerity.

If it wasn’t for the stone cross, I would’ve mistaken this place for some surrealist Soviet prison. I mean it seems more suited as a Swiss Calvinist church than a Swiss Catholic church. Also, it’s dedicated to Saint Nicholas who wasn’t known for his austerity at all.

22. Now here’s one of the world’s biggest picnic baskets.

Fittingly, this building is a headquarters for a the Longaberger Basket Company in Ohio. Though appropriate and not very ugly, I don’t know if any of Longaberger’s employees would be comfortable telling their friends that they work in a basket. Boy, they must be real basket cases there.

23. Let the Trump Tower be a testament that Donald Trump has about as good taste in architecture as he does in hairstyles.

Well, Donald Trump's hair is a literal rat infestation, this 5th Avenue tower is just a tribute to the Donald's obnoxious spoiled rich kid vanity. Also, his propensity to nostalgize himself as part of the 1980s.

Well, Donald Trump’s hair is a literal rat infestation, this 5th Avenue tower is just a tribute to the Donald’s obnoxious spoiled rich kid vanity. This place just looks like something you see from a cutting board.

24. Only in Barcelona, would anyone think a tower that resembles some light up sex toy you’d get at Spencer’s gift shop was a good idea.

Now Torre Agbar has become a symbol for Barcelona and has a lot light configurations at night. Still, let the people of Barcelona remember: if a giant came down from the beanstalk after some kid sold the family cow for some magic means, don’t be surprised if he uses Torre Agbar as a dildo.

25. There’s nothing like a great building for a skyline than one that resembles something you’d more likely see on a hood ornament or hub cap.

This is the Aldar Headquarters Building of Abu Dhabi, UAE. It’s supposed to be the world’s first circular skyscraper. Still, it may cause migraines while looking at it on a warm sunny day and resembles a fly’s eye.

26. Come to Signapore and stay at the Marina Bay Sands Hotel to see the loveliest view.

Unfortunately, Signapore’s Marina Bay Sands Hotel resembles a giant surfboard or an upturned subway on very thick metallic stilts.

27. While Barcelona’s Agbar Tower resembles a giant light up dildo, London’s Gherkin Building looks like a fancy fabrege dildo for pleasuring Britain’s upper noble classes.

Now London does have some nice buildings. Yet, I don’t get why they had to construct a building that resembles a large giant sex toy from Tiffany’s? Surprised why this wasn’t a subject of a Monty Python sketch.

28. Now here’s a building that resembles a large gemstone on a bulky launch pad.

This is Belarus’s National Library in Minsk. Of course, it’s said to have LED lights and sparkle in the night. Still, love it or hate it, it gives Minsk and Belarus the thing that all countries crave: tourists.

29. Only in China can they erect a tower for their newspaper that resembles a giant phallus.

The phallic symbolism of China’s People’s Daily tower represents how the China’s authoritarian structure likes to stick it up the people’s asses in regards to the freedom of expression. Yes, the Chinese people are certainly screwed on that.

30. Never has a building stood so grand as one that reminds one of a trash pile from day care center.

This is the Biomuseo in Panama City, Panama as well as another of Frank Gehry’s disasterpieces. I’m surprised there aren’t any flecks of glitter on it as there would be in any kiddie craft project.

31. In Central China Television, it’s a combination of power in beauty. In Beijing, it’s called, “squatting man.”

This Beijing’s CCTV building which is perhaps one of the few big TV stations in now not-so-Communist China. Other than being known as, “big shorts” it’s also said to have high maintenance costs as well as caught fire in 2009. Thus, it’s safety is a concern as well.

32. Now here’s a great architectural design for a space station, Darth Vader’s vacation home, or Batman’s headquarters if he decides to reveal his secret identity as Bruce Wayne.

This is the Metropolitan Cathedral of Christ the King in Liverpool. Yet, while the interior is pretty spectacular, its exterior doesn’t inspire thoughts of heaven and salvation. It’s also called, “The Sacred Blender.” Still, if there are any space aliens who wish to join the Catholic Church, then this would be a perfect place for them to worship.

33. Now let’s see here. I guess this is a combination of some glass office building and a large white spire with inspiration from Rivendell and Isengard.

This was Joel Osteen's Chrystal Cathedral which is a few miles from Disneyland in Los Angeles. It's now Christ Cathedral and part of the Catholic diocese of Orange County after the place went bankrupt. Still, I'm surprised that the high tower doesn't seem to contain the eye of Sauron.

This was the Crystal Cathedral megachurch which is a few miles from Disneyland in Los Angeles. It’s now Cathedral of Christ and part of the Catholic diocese of Orange County after the place went bankrupt. Still, I’m surprised that the high tower doesn’t seem to contain the eye of Sauron.

34. Here we come to the Rivas-Vaciamadrid Church of the Living Turd.

Actually, it’s called the Parish of Saint Monica. Still, I think it’s kind of disgrace and a waste of wood to dedicate this holy piece of shit to Saint Augustine’s alcoholic mother. Let’s just say, a church like this would drive anyone to drink since it’s as ugly as sin.

35. Speaking of cathedrals, this one seems like a mix of the Beehive, the Chrystal Cathedral, and some kind of receptor for the two dildo buildings.

No disrespect to the Catholic Diocese of Oakland, but I have to confess that your Cathedral of Christ the Light is a rather terrible attempt to honor God and His mercy. Seriously, the Catholics of Oakland deserve better for their community than this sci-fi catastrophe in architecture.

36. They call it the Elephant Building. Well, it kind of looks like one from an 1980s Atari video game.

This is the Elephant Building from Bangkok, Thailand. Let’s just say it was built to resemble an elephant, but made it to practically every list of ugly buildings ever assembled. It would be tough to leave this one out.

37. The Fang Yuan Building was based on the shape of old China coins. I’m not sure if the Chinese people bought it.

Whether a giant microchip, subway token, power generator, or whatever the hell it is, this building seems to be China’s burgeoning capitalism, innovation, and a bad taste for architecture.

38. Now this building seems to combine the boring federal bureaucracy with the shape of some kind of little know 1960s camcorder.

This is the Federal Building in San Francisco. Not one of the more attractive examples of Frisco architecture. Another failed example of eco-architecture.

39. Let’s just say that Malaysia’s First World Hotel has a colorful reputation.

Let’s just say that whoever was responsible for the hotel’s paint job must’ve been totally tripping balls on some strong hallucinogenic acid or something. Perhaps its architect was on LSD at the time.

40. Now the Guangxi Science and Technology Museum must’ve been architecturally inspired by EPCOT surrounded by an oyster shell. Didn’t really turn out right, did it?

Then again, this might illustrate the earth over a cosmic plane or in orbit. Either way, doesn’t really account much for taste. Also seems like an ideal lair for a sci-fi villain.

41. Hello, and welcome to a victory village in the Panem capital.

Wait a minute, this is the Henan Art Center and Theater in China. Still, it loos as if there's a bunch of giant brown and gold modules. Nevertheless, I think I owe the nation of Panem an apology.

Wait a minute, this is the Henan Art Center and Theater in China. Still, it looks as if there’s a bunch of giant brown and gold modules. Nevertheless, I think I owe the nation of Panem an apology.

42. I guess the architectural inspiration for this building was Kanye West’s tennis shoes.

This is the building for the Amsterdam Marathon. Of course, the shoe design is quite appropriate, though it could sometimes be seen as an ice skate.

43. Now I’m sure this Art Deco roof isn’t going to frighten anyone. I hope.

Now this is Chicago’s Harold Washington Library. Architecturally speaking, the roof seems to be the combination of The Great Gatsby meets Phantom of the Opera.

44. Now this must be architecture inspired by a square platter of graham crackers.

This is Britain’s Drake Circus Shopping Mall, which isn’t one of the UK’s best loved buildings. Nevertheless, it was said to be the recipient for the National Loo Awards, with wiping the floor of the competition for Attendant of the Year.

45. When it comes to erecting buildings, Kosovo thinks adding some white domes to an old Communist Era structure would do much nicely.

This is Kosovo’s National Library. Yet, I think the architecture seems to better resemble a maximum security prison complex from a Star Wars or Star Trek film.

46. Looks like this giant robot was buried up to its neck.

Oh, wait. That’s Argentina’s National Library in Buenos Aires. Still, doesn’t prevent the building from looking like a giant disembodied robot’s head. You’d think a country who brought you Evita, Che Guevara, and Pope Francis would have better architectural taste.

47. Now this is an interesting industrial complex here. Wonder what their products are.

My mistake. That’s the Lloyd’s Building, headquarters of Lloyd’s of London. Still, despite being a well known high end insurance company known to issue a policy on Betty Grable’s legs, why they made it look like a large factory from Fritz Lang’s Metropolis is beyond me.

48. The Grand Lisboa Hotel and Casino seems to give Las Vegas stiff competition when it comes to being resort tackiness.

Now Macau’s Grand Lisboa seems to remind me of some high end perfume bottle a rich lady would be embarrassed to have. Oh, and did I say, it has a lot of lighting configurations at night. Still, this gives Las Vegas a run for its money.

49. From Richmond, Virginia we have the Markel Building which seems to resemble a spaceship with the appearance of a baked potato wrapped in aluminum foil.

Yes, it looks like either a space age stadium or some massive UFO. Ironically, it was said to be inspired by a baked potato. Still, I wonder if my sister at VCU has seen this monstrosity.

50. This building tends to remind me of some kind of giant ornate pineapple from Tiffany’s.

This is the Nanchang “Crown” Building in China. This is supposed to be a luxury hotel. Still, I don’t get why it has to look like some large Faberge pineapple. This design would’ve been more appropriate for the Dole Corporate headquarters.

51. Now this feat in modern architecture seems to combine the mundane office building with some touches from a Star Trek film in one.

This is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum in Cleavland. Yeah, those circular things on the pole are supposed to be records. Even its architect I. M. Pei was unhappy with this design. Then again, you can’t say much for the looks of those who get inducted in it either.

52. I have no idea why a festive city like Rio de Janeiro, Brazil would erect such a large nuclear power facility in such a public setting.

Oh, shit. It’s Rio’s Sao Sebastiao Cathedral, named after the Catholic diocese’s patron saint. It’s said to be inspired by Pre-Columbian architecture. Guess the effect didn’t turn out right as the architect thought. Still, it’s said to light up at night and have an amazing interior.

53. Now this building looks as though it’s hit an iceberg or had an iceberg hit it.

This is the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto, Canada. It’s combined architecture of the old museum with the new Crystal Building that resembles a giant iceberg. Still, at least the old part didn’t look like the Titanic or there would’ve been unfortunate implications.

54. Of course, this is very appropriate architecture for the National Rifle Association in Fairfax, Virginia.

On second thought, you might not want to bring your guns to this building. In fact, it’s not the NRA headquarters in Fairfax, VA but the Scottish Parliament building in Edinburgh. Yes, it’s incredibly atrocious. Still, I can’t help thinking that this would be what Wayne La Pierre would design his next house like.

55. Now this building seems to be either some sci-fi villain’s lair or the headquarters of Monster’s Inc.

It’s actually Birmingham, England’s Selfridge’s Department Store. Still, I can’t help but think that this edifice was built by creatures by another world because it sure looks like it. Let’s just say it’s more likely that aliens designed this building than any other archaeological site ever featured on Ancient Aliens.

56. Not to be outdone by LA’s Chrystal Cathedral, London built it’s own version of Isengard.

This building is called “Shard of Glass” and it’s said to be the tallest building in Europe. Still, we all know that this is a monument to honor J. R. R. Tolkein and his literary work in adult fantasy. Yet, the Brits just don’t want to admit it.

57. While Macau has a little piece of Las Vegas in its Lisboa Hotel and Casino, Shenzen has it in its Great China International Exchange Square Hotel.

I’m beginning to wonder if any of China’s hotel architects base their hotel designs on what they saw on their last trip to Vegas. I mean this seems to be the second Vegas inspired Chinese building in this post.

58. Seattle’s EMP Museum’s architecture was inspired by what Frank Gehry saw for a few seconds of his open heart surgery. That, or he was on drugs.

Now this would be a great place to exhibit Jimi Hendrix and sci-fi memorabilia. Still, one guy said that Gehry's inspiration for this was a smashed guitar and he may be right.

Now this would be a great place to exhibit Jimi Hendrix, pop culture and sci-fi memorabilia. Still, one guy said that Gehry’s inspiration for this was a smashed guitar and he may be right. Also, was called a, “blob,” “the Hemorrhoids,” and was described by someone at the New York Times as, “something that crawled out of the sea, rolled over, and died.”

59. Welcome to what many people liken as a building more suited for a 1990s TV movie for the Syfy Channel.

This is the building for the Oakely Headquarters in Orange County, California. It’s a company that made sunglasses that haven’t been cool since the 1990s. Designed as a Star Wars-esque monument to the machine age to honor invention, its style has never really caught on for some reason.

60. Now Denver’s public library has the uniqueness of what you’d see in a Dr. Seuss story as well as the dreary color you’d see from some 1930s German horror movie.

Let’s just say, while the architecture may be a bit funky, the color seems to be what you’d put on a standard business building. Still, I think it reminds me of the old German expressionist films during the silent era for some reason.

61. Welcome to Saudi Arabia, home to oil, Islamic Fundamentalism, terrorists, Saudi Royal Family, oppression of women, and this giant fancy bottle opener.

This is Riyadh’s Al-Mamlakah Tower and Kingdom Centre. It’s the most famous building from the city as well as hotel and shopping mall. Also, lights up at night.

62. I now give you the summer residence of Darth Sidious.

Actually that’s the Robarts Library for humanities and social sciences at Canada’s University of Toronto. Still, it’s a more fitting design for a Cold War era propaganda machine or the Ministry of Truth from 1984.

63. Now that’s a very imposing air traffic control tower there.

It’s the Obelisk building in Peru. Of course, this is the kind of architecture that appears when you put the large tower of Isengard in some kind of cyber punk science fiction film like Bladerunner.

64. Now this looks like a combination between an amusement park ride and an air traffic control tower with a giant ribbon coming out of it.

I don’t know where this building’s from. Yet, wherever it is, it’s not an amusement park ride or air traffic control tower. Still, this wouldn’t make my dad any more eager to get on it though.

65. Now this is the Nantong Sword Building which resembles more like a laser pointer than an actual sword.

Let’s just say that if this Chinese building would be shaped like an actual sword or possibly a lightsaber, it would’ve been way cooler. But alas, it resembles something that your cat would chase.

66. This is either some shiny blob from another world or some alien spaceship.

This is a new landmark from South Korea in Seoul. Look, I understand that they’re trying to show off their wealth in North Korea’s face. Yet, I don’t why anyone would erect such a monstrosity. Maybe they should’ve erected one of a giant Hyundai since they’re what South Korea is being known for.

67. Now I give you, the large evil crown of Roboqueen.

I know you wouldn't believe this but it's actually an Orthodox church in Moldova. Still, when it comes to ugliness, I knew that the Soviets wouldn't let me down.

I know you wouldn’t believe this but it’s actually the Kishinev State Circus in Moldova. Still, when it comes to ugliness, I knew that the Soviets wouldn’t let me down.

68. Now here’s a great piece of real estate for a James Bond villain.

This is actually a resort hotel at a beach in Yalta, a well known Russian vacation spot in the Soviet Era. Still, it does remind me of Dr. No’s place for some reason.

69. I guess this must’ve been an old Soviet industrial complex that was abandoned years ago.

It’s actually the Fyodor Dostoyevsky Novogrod Theater. It was built in the 1960s to honor an author whose Christian existentialist works included novels about a Nietzsche wannabe murdering old pawn brokers and their mentally disabled sisters as well as one of the most dysfunctional families in all of literature. Still, between this and an industrial park, I can’t tell the difference.

70. I now give you the Gillette Razor Building.

This is the Strata SE 1 in London, UK. It’s a residential building and eco-construction but it would’ve been perfect for Gillette corporate headquarters for a very obvious reason. Said to be one of the more sustainable edifices on this list though.

71. Now China’s Millennium Monument seems to resemble a concrete petri dish with something very sharp sticking out.

This monument is in Beijing and it seems to resemble something from the former Soviet Union than anything. As with the giant needle sticking out, I have no idea.

72. I suppose this building looks like a fancy can of wrinkle cream but I’m not sure.

This is an old Soviet style hotel in Kiev, Ukraine. One person writes, “it resembled an immense potato-masher grenade, wider at the top than the bottom.”

73. Now this seems like a couple of nice looking abnormally shaped bollocks.

During the Soviet Era, this was Kiev’s Crematorium. Yet, while most crematoriums aren’t known for their architecture as this one is, it’s still seems more appropriate structure for Tattooine.

74. Now here is a nice picture of a nice stone church in Europe.

Seriously, this is a church? How can anyone could design such a monstrous house of prayer? This is called Saint Bernadette in Banlay, France while some think it’s a piece from the movie Prometheus.

75. Now this seems to be an incredibly giant piece of construction here.

Wait a minute. Despite it’s rather sleek utilitarian appearance and unfinished look, this is the Umeda Sky Building from Osaka, Japan. Of course, it’s a really big eyesore on its skyline.

76. Nothing puts the heavenly spirit in a cathedral than being constructed as some outer space tent all covered with slimy tentacles.

This is Brazil’s Metropolitana de Nossa Senhora Aparecida in Brasilia as well as the seat for its local Catholic Archdiocese. It was built in the 1970s and certainly looks like it. The interior is a combination of a church atmosphere and almost being devoured by a giant squid.

77. While this is supposed to be Vienna’s Church of the Most Holy Trinity, the outside suggests Stonehenge.

Now this architecture would’ve been perfect for converting Celts to Christianity in the Middle Ages. Yet, that ship has already sailed by this point.

78. While Mexico City isn’t a nice place by any means, it’s home to one of the world’s largest cubed traffic lights.

It’s called “La Lavadora” or “the Washing Machine” in the heart of Mexico City’s business district. Also lights up and features a pyramid. Still, “washing machine” makes better sense.

79. Only in China can you have a building consisting of two large plaid hand grenades.

This is the Zhangzhou Sewage Treatment Plant in China. Now sewage treatment plants aren’t known for their architecture. Yet, this one does solely on its massive sized tartan balloons alone.

80. For any Muslim on their pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia, stay at the Mecca Hotel Royal Clock Tower or the Abraj Al-Bait Towers.

Man, looks like the Saudi Royal family really wants to make money from these Hajjis in Mecca. Still, kind of reminds me of what a supervillain would have as a clock tower if he or she ever achieved world domination. One person says this edifice complex is like giving the middle finger for taste and elegance. Not to mention, it’s now the second tallest building in the world.

Home Not So Sweet Home

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 1, 2014

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home. Ever since humans traded their nomadic lifestyle for a sedentary life of agriculture and civilization, people have always built houses ranging from the straw hut to the McMansion. Today houses come in all shape, sizes, and types all providing us shelter from the elements outside like increment weather. You can tell a lot about a person from their houses such as wealth and perhaps occupation and personal taste. Now I could talk all day about all the beautiful houses there are but you wouldn’t find this post remotely interesting. Instead, I’ll talk about the types of houses you’d see from the road and make you wonder how such a place exist or who would ever want to live there. However, before I go further, let me go over what this ugly house post doesn’t include:

1. Houses that are messy and decrepit as if abandoned and suffering from poor upkeep.

2. Houses built for low income residents and in bad neighborhoods.

3. Unfinished houses that were either under construction or being torn down.

4. Any house that has been boarded up and seems condemned.

5. Any house that’s been through some kind of disaster.

Of course, some of these houses shown may be due to how its architectural style may make them eyesores on the landscape. Other houses may seem outrageous looking due to the paint job and color. Sometimes it’s a little of both. There may be some that have no character and others that may seem to have too much. So without further adieu, here are some horrendous looking houses you may embarrassed to invite your friends for dinner in, if you ever lived there (save possibly Belgium).

1. Behold, where modern design meets the lack of utilitarian imagination.

While this design may be more appropriate for an office building, it hardly seems suitable for a residential neighborhood.

2. One can do wrong with a house of gray blocks.

Now I don’t know about you but this doesn’t seem exactly homey to me. Reminds me a place I’d rather go home from like the law office of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.

3. What do you mean houses don’t have faces?

Yes, those windows appear as if the house is alive and has a rather expressionless face. Also, I don’t think it seems too keen about the white railing on the porches.

4. Of course, coming home to this house will sure give you stars.

This little house would actually be perfectly quaint if it weren’t for its tacky exterior. Yeah, that cover is bound to cause migraines.

5. She wanted a standard 2 story house. He wanted something more futuristic looking. Eventually they settled for this.

This looks as if the builder basically took an old house, split it in two, and built the white block and balcony section to connect the two. Now I’d be pretty embarrassed to live at this place.

6. I call this one, “The Green Tea Tulip House,” since it’s green and has a second story shaped like a tulip.

The tulip design is a perfectly fine architectural style for such a house. The green tea color on the other hand, is just utterly disgusting.

7. Now nothing makes a winter cabin brighter than Rainbow Brite.

Sure it may look a bit decrepit and abandoned. But I’m sure the next Cabin in the Woods film isn’t going to be set at this place. That is, unless who’s killing everyone there is a big fan of Lisa Frank.

8. Wait a minute, this house ain’t halfway done?

Let's just say whoever built this house only got it half finished before realizing that he or she ran out money before they could go any further. Yet, they still had plenty of bricks.

Let’s just say whoever built this house only got it half finished before realizing that they couldn’t build on as much property as they thought. So they built a large brick wall on the cross section.

9. Behold, the house of the future!

This house is as over 40 years old because it was used in Woody Allen’s 1973 comedy Sleeper. Now I wonder how anyone living at this place can go to the bathroom?

10. Now this house seems to resemble any little girl’s dream.

Of course, the family thought they did a good job on their daughter’s room that they decided to do the whole house like this. Then again, this would be a perfect facade for a Barbie Dream House.

11. For those going for a more curvy feel, here’s a house for you.

Let’s just say, someone might’ve thought curvy features is a good idea. Alas, it just seems that this architect was way too much into The Lord of the Rings.

12. Apparently, Bobby wanted the kind of house where he could practice his rock climbing.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that orange, lime, green, and light yellow is a good exterior color scheme. And the fact that this house is in a more modern style makes it even uglier.

13. In the future, we’ll all live in these affordable modular homes like these.

Let’s hope the future never comes to this. Besides, I don’t want to live in a home that reminds me of where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

14. Nothing like the kind of home than one designed to freak out the neighbors.

Now this house seems as if it’s spying on the neighbors. Let’s hope that there’s no telescope behind either of the giant circular windows.

15. Well, as long that feature’s in the colonial style, I don’t see how it won’t do any harm.

Now I don’t think the front door style goes well with the rest of the house. In fact, I think it just makes an otherwise decent looking house seem fairly hideous.

16. Now I’m sure nobody could have too many dormer windows.

Actually, while I think two would’ve been fine, four is just way too many for this house. In fact, maybe this house shouldn’t have any dormers at all.

17. Brenda decided to have her house painted her two favorite colors: lime green and bright yellow.

Now there’s a sight for sore eyes. Actually it’s more of a sight that will make your eyes sore. Let’s say that lime green and bright yellow aren’t a good color scheme for a house.

18. Now here’s a great modern design for your liking.

Looks like the kind of house I’d imagine Lex Luthor having as a summer home. Seriously, it’s more or less “eek” than “chic” to me.

19. Of course, you can barely go wrong with a free standing chimney.

Maybe, but I see no reason why this house would look any better with a Pizza Hut like roof at the front. Seriously, this home just looks too silly form me.

20. I’m sure that trim on the garage enclosure goes well with the rest of the house.

Now I don’t think the trim on the garage area was a good idea because it doesn’t go well with the house at all. Yet, I do like the brick work though.

21. When it comes to roofs, you can’t have too many gables.

This is a place in New Jersey called, “The Bird Turd House of the Seventy Gables.” It was said to be inspired by the German Coo-Coo Clock. Yet, you can see why people liken it to bird turds.

22. Of course, perhaps you’d prefer to live under a pyramid with glass windows.

Now this is a house in Belgium which has a reputation for terrible house architecture. Still, I’m sure I wouldn’t want to live in a house like this.

23. Sure, I think we can create more stories for that black row house.

If there has been any architect who ever gave the finger, then this is possibly in the most spectacular way possible.

24. Of course, we can build a home that expresses both business and party at the same time.

Unfortunately, this house seems to have a lot of windows (which makes me question about their bathroom and privacy). Not only that, but it sort of resembles one of those ultramodern doctors’ offices for some reason.

25. Now how about you paint your house in a shade of pink?

Now I’m not sure about pink houses in general. Yet, I’m not sure if this pink would be perfect for Malibu Barbie, let alone anyone else.

26. Now here’s a house that would really jump out to you, in an asymmetrical way.

Then again, it could use another window on the second story. On the other hand, I’m not sure how you can improve this house’s look.

27. Now let’s step inside this lovely mansion.

Okay, that might be Albus Dumbledore’s summer vacation cottage. You know, the Sherbert Lemon Wizard Ranch.

28. Okay, so let’s flip this house.

Hey, when I said, “flip this house,” I didn’t mean in this fashion. Oh, God, I’m surrounded by idiots.

29. Hello, and welcome to Hayvenhurst.

I’m sure that it would look much better if the front way didn’t have to be as high as the other parts of the house. But these owners really wanted to make a grand entrance.

30. This house tends to go for the black and white stripes variety.

Looks almost as if someone made a house out of part of an army surplus store and tried to pass it as if it was made out of Legos. Nice try. Seems like the perfect vacation home for Beetlejuice, if you include the ugly yellow porch.

31. I don’t care how well it goes with the house. I want a castle tower.

Now maybe you shouldn’t get castle tower unless you live in an actual castle. It just looks so out of place.

32. Now I give you the most expensive house in the world.

How in the hell would anyone want to buy such an expensive piece of shit? If you want to build a home that costs about $2 billion, at least make it look nice.

33. Now here is a palm desert mansion any celebrity would buy.

Now I can’t tell the difference between this house and large pile of scrap metal. How would anyone want to entertain at this seeming pile of junk?

34. I call this an owl house.

Just don’t ask it how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Still, kind of freaky looking if you ask me.

35. Now I’m sure a big block of brick at the front upstairs window won’t hinder its looks.

Now this is just such an hideous block placement that I’m not sure ivy can cure. Still, I think it would look better if the brick block in the upstairs window would be removed.

36. What can go wrong with painting your house purple?

Now I really like purple. In fact, it’s my favorite color. But I don’t know what to think about Dracula’s taste in exterior decorating.

37. How about a house colored with the rainbow?

Alright, this resident is on something. And by that, I mean like LSD, marijuana, PCP, brown acid, and other hallucinogen that’s known to make you see God or bring world peace.

38. How about make your home inside this pyramid?

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t help but think that the person who lives there is part of some big shadow organization like the Illuminati perhaps. Then again, there’s the Freemasons since this pyramid looks like the one on a US dollar bill, according to the National Treasure franchise.

39. Now I’ve never seen a triangle frame house quite like this one.

Now if this house was possessed, at least I know that the monster is basically in this place. Actually, the house may be the monster as you see by the window eyes and face.

40. Now there is a house with a lot of funky color in it.

Unfortunately, the house painter might’ve had too much brown acid at Woodstock. I’m sure this is a certain eye sore for neighbors and may send some into seizures.

41. This house just needs a friend to keep it warm near the red telephone booth.

Don't look now but I think this house wants to eat us. Seriously, I don't like the look in its face. Keep away.

Don’t look now but I think this house wants to eat us. Seriously, I don’t like the look in its face which is creeping me out. Keep away.

42. I suppose this home would suit any Lord of the Rings fan.

Well, any LOTR fan who’s on a budget and thought Rivendell looked too fancy and not enough like some kind of creepy mad scientist’s lair.

43. Now this house must be very angry with its owners right now.

Of course, this is why the owners haven’t realized that this house isn’t too fond of them. This explains why their home has so many problems all the time.

44. I’m sure houses have feelings, too, you know. Sometimes they’re not as apparent.

This house doesn’t seem to be too happy here. Maybe it’s because they’re not paying attention that it has dry rot or something. Still, the brick work is pretty nice on this one.

45. Of course, you’d always need a tower to cover up the front door and for a possible room upstairs.

I don't know about you but there's something kind of out of place and phallic about this house. I just can't put my finger on it. Still, it would look better if it didn't have that brick tower.

I don’t know about you but there’s something quite phallic about this house. I just can’t put my finger on it. Still, it would look better if it didn’t have that brick tower. Also seems to have a creepy face, which makes this house even freakier. Still, why are there so many ugly houses in Belgium?

46. Of course, some houses are fairly accommodating.

For some reason, I wouldn’t be able to look at this house and wonder whether I was being watched. There’s just something unsettling about it if you know what I mean.

47. Remember, kids, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Kind of reminds me of what Batman’s greenhouse may look like if he ever got into gardening. Also seems to have a monstrous face.

48. House by day. Transformer by night.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if this would be the kind of house Batman would live in, if he wasn’t born into a rich family. Yet, I don’t know what the Batmobile would look like.

49. Welcome to Saint Peter’s Catholic Church and Car Repair.

Basically the only place where you can receive the sacrament of Reconciliation and a wax job. And yes, it’s in Belgium.

50. Now let’s get this house to stand right back up again.

Oh, wait. My mistake. Looks like it was how this house was built, and not as though it had been through a hurricane. Sorry.

51. Murg seemed to like earth so much that he ended up settling down and turning his spaceship into a home.

Of course, he thought his spaceship was so large and spacious than most houses that he didn’t bother with going through renovations. At least on the outside, that is.

52. Now how about some dark woodwork with that painted wooden siding?

While I was in marching band in high school, we played against a school that had brown and yellow as a school color. And let me say, these two colors don’t go well together at all, except maybe in the toilet.

53. Nothing makes a house a home like unconventional window placement.

However, there is such a thing as being too much unconventional that it makes the house seem like a residence for a Dr. Seuss character.

54. Welcome to our elevated trailer park apartments.

I think someone made a gingerbread display of this that I posted for gingerbread architecture. Still, I don’t think trailers tend to bring down property values in a lot of ways. At least in America.

55. In the future, everyone will live in these large concrete spheres that seem to appear from some futuristic Soviet era.

Please, don’t make me live here. The prospect of residing in these mammoth balls of concrete seems like depressing prospect to me. Also, they tend to resemble giant aliens from outer space or something. And they don’t seem too happy.

56. Nothing says home, like a curvy brown home suitable for the CEO of UPS.

If it wasn’t for the windows, I would’ve mistaken this house for a colossal turd from some extremely large mythical creature. Seriously, this is one of the ugliest houses in modern architecture I’ve ever seen.

57. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the IKEA trailer.

Now I may equate trailers with hillbillys and country music. But let me say, that even the worst looking trailers I’ve seen have never been as ugly as this one. Let’s just say I don’t equate trailers with high concept design and there’s a reason for it.

58. Of course, you can never go overboard with fancy decorations on a house.

Actually, I take that back you can, especially if the house is brown. Still, looks like a kind of house I’d expect Willy Wonka to own. I mean he has to have some space to escape from all those Oompa Loompas singing.

59. Now here’s a nice little tower house for fans of Jurassic Park.

Then again, I think a dinosaur quashing it might improve its looks. I mean it just seems more like a house I’d see aliens living in who miss the architecture from their planets.

60. Apparently this house was built by an architect inspired by the soaring bald eagle’s rear end.

Let’s just say this marvel in modern architecture just seems to be the architect’s expression of basically saying, “Up yours!” to his or her clients. Yet, the stupid clients weren’t smart enough to figure that out.

61. Looks like the parents loved how they did the kids’ room so much that they wanted the whole house painted like this.

Now I wouldn’t be surprised if this house was in Sweden and the head of IKEA lived there. And I wouldn’t even be at all surprised if that person had to build the house from a set of pictoral instructions.

62. Nothing brings out the nice Florida atmosphere than a house painted lime green.

Remember, kids, friends don’t let friends paint their houses in lime green even in Florida. That goes the same way with most of the houses painted in the outfit colors of Florida residents over 65, especially in Boca Raton.

63. Perhaps you were seeking a house in a more naturalistic architectural style.

Now this house seems to resemble a gigantic tree monster who’d basically devour you if you ever try to cut down any of its sacred trees. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to live there.

64. Wow! What a colorful row of row houses.

Now this really seems like a tacky day in this neighborhood. This is why row houses should always be built in the same style. Else, I’m sure some neighborhood onlooker is going to break out in seizures.

65. Hey, kids, there’s the home of Sam I Am from Green Eggs and Ham no less.

Well, it looks like one of those houses you’d find in a Dr. Seuss book. I’m sure Dr. Seuss would be surprised that his work might’ve inspired a whole architectural movement.

66. I’m sure blue and orange is a great color scheme for any house.

Man, someone must be a huge fan of the Syracuse Orange that they don’t even bother considering how tacky their house looks. I get migraines just looking at that place.

67. I’m sure building a home based on your daughter’s dollhouse seemed like a very good idea at the time.

Now just because the facade would go great on a dollhouse, doesn’t mean it will translate well in real life. Besides, I’m sure the dollhouse that served as an inspiration was made by Fisher Price.

68. I’m sure this warehouse will provide well for your storage needs.

Wait a minute, this is an actual house? Then why does it look like the kind of place Walter White would store his meth stash? And why does it seem to lack total character?

69. Now I’m sure green and red would make your house appear rather festive during the holiday season.

Maybe this house would look perfectly fine during the Christmas season. But other times of the year? Not so much. Also, is that lime green?

70. This mansion design was brought to you by Lincoln Logs.

Now I’m sure this is the place where Bruce Wayne trained with Raz al’ Ghul in the Dark Knight Saga. Then again, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Batman Begins anyway.

71. Now I’m sure this yellow house will strike your fancy.

I’m sure this house was based off that Veggie Tales episode on the Alamo. You know, the one with Davy Broccoli, Jim Beet and General Santa Artichoke.

72. Now let’s put a sun light near the angle so we can save money non energy.

I suppose this place was the starting home of Lex Luthor. I hear his ex-wife lives in that place to this day and that they’re not on very good terms.

73. There were so many great colors we couldn’t decide. So we went with all of them.

Looks like the paint fumes really seem to get to the painters in this case. You know how inhaling paint could make you see certain things.

74. Now this house just makes me see spots just looking at it. Great big colorful ones.

Now this polka dot house may get the neighbors asking the owner, “Are you high?” Also, I’m sure that they don’t go well on a house at all.

75. Now I just need a big garage to park my car and a nice circular window to spy on the neighbors.

Let’s just say, I wouldn’t want to live in a neighborhood with a house like this. Besides, I don’t think the small warehouse garage and the awning like front part go well with the rest of the house either.

Fun with Tombstones

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 28, 2014

As we all know, Halloween revolves around a lot of things that scare us be it gore, mutilation, ghosts, the supernatural or large insects and spiders. Yet, one of the very real concepts that many of us fear is death, which is basically the cessation of one’s existence altogether. Whether it be through natural causes or otherwise, we will all die someday and while there are things we could do to delay it, there’s nothing we can do about it. We can, however, get our affairs in order and make our funeral arrangements, which many elderly people do since they know the end is near anyway. It’s been a tradition in modern Western society to be buried in cemeteries and erect tombstones on our graves so our surviving relatives, friends, and descendants could visit us after we’re gone. I myself go to a cemetery nearby my house during my routine morning walks. Most gravestones usually have the name of the deceased as well as life dates. A lot of times they may share a tombstone with a spouse, have some indicator of military service, or perhaps a place pertaining to the life dates. As for decorations, some may have religious symbols like a cross, Jesus, Mary, an angel, or a star of David. Some may have a lamb on them to say that this person died as as a child. Of course, this is dependent on Western iconography. Some may have intricate designs to show off that they knew people who could afford such monuments to them. Still, there are certain tombstones that are worth noting either for the bizarre design or containing last words to sum up their time on earth or what not. And you won’t believe the pictures I’ve found on Google. So without further ado on this Halloween season, here are some amusing tombstones for your pleasure. 1. And here’s to you the alcoholic serial monogamist.

Now if the liver cirrhosis didn’t kill him at 62, then the divorce settlement might’ve had something to do with it. Not to mention, the fact his nephews and nieces erected his tombstone.

2. Sure he may have died at 42, but damn did he lead an interesting life.

Yes, I’m sure that Ronald Eugene Smith is surely a swell guy. Yet, perhaps having an adventurous life may have led to his death at 42. Also, I’m sure he didn’t learn fast or acted quickly enough.

3. Here lies Naomi Thigpen Shankle.

I guess the epitaph is there because of her silly name. Seriously, it seems like her name reads like something Monty Python would make up.

4. Of course, this tombstone shows how a man’s love for NASCAR seemed to go beyond the grave.

Well, I got to say that this is the most expensive tombstone for a race car buff I’ve ever seen. Of course, this grave might belong to a race car driver which is more understandable.

5. Now I guess Dave didn’t seem too bright when he chased that bear into a cave.

Yeah, I'm sure being an intruder in a ursuline home invasion will sure kill you and possibly lead to a Darwin Award.

Yeah, I’m sure being an intruder in a home invasion in a bear cave will sure kill you and possibly lead to a Darwin Award. I’m sure chasing a bear isn’t going to turn out well, especially if the bear’s a mama.

6. R. I. P. Jonathan Blake, victim of his own disorderly driving.

Now, kids, that’s what your tombstone may look like if you decide to step on the gas instead of the brake, in the event of a head on collision. So please don’t end up like Jonathan Blake.

7. So who says that you can’t call people after they die?

This is perhaps coming from a Jewish cemetery or one in Israel. Still, it may not work but it probably costs just as much as anything new Apple now comes out with.

8. Oh, poor Rex, another dog lost to the Chinese Restaurant industry.

Then again, Rex’s life dates indicate that he was 14 years old. Let’s just say, if that Asian kid didn’t ask to wok him, then it’s very possible that the vet would’ve put him to sleep.

9. Man, these Dotterweichs sure are an unlucky bunch.

Now I see a lot of kids' graves at the local cemetery. And kids' graves aren't an unusual sight at graveyards at all particularly in the older sections. Yet, I'm sure the Dotterweich children all dying in the icy pond just makes you wonder what happened in that scenario.

Now I see a lot of kids’ graves at the local cemetery. And children’s’ graves aren’t an unusual sight at graveyards at all particularly in the older sections since there were a lot of things that killed kids in those days. Yet, I’m sure the Dotterweich children all drowning in the icy pond just makes you wonder what happened in that case. I mean ponds aren’t that deep.

10. Why not grace your tombstone with this happy dancing dolphin?

This is most likely not a child’s grave since the deceased was born in 1938. And let’s just say, a kiddie grave back in her childhood wouldn’t feature dolphins! Yet, why she wanted a happy dolphin on her tombstone, I don’t have the slightest idea. I mean it kind of just defies everything I’d imagine a grave stone to look like.

11. Of course, there is always one large cavity all dentists fill.

That’s right, I’m talking about a large manmade geological cavity called, “a hole in the ground” this dentist is currently filling.

12. Poor Jerry Farrer didn’t seem to have the kind of death he wanted.

While Jerry Farrer wanted to be shot by a jealous husband at 102, he died at 74. Then again, whether he was shot by a jealous husband or died of natural causes, I really can’t say. Perhaps you should ask his wife.

13. Hopefully, this would’ve been a perfect grave stone for Rev. Gerry Falwell. Then again, I think this is the wrong Teletubby.

Now this grave seems to accomplish what many thought impossible. Make one of the Teletubbies seem incredibly creepy.

Now this grave seems to accomplish what many thought impossible. Make one of the Teletubbies seem incredibly terrifying. Yeah, this one seems to prey on your dreams.

14. Though he died at 52, Lester’s tombstone nevertheless had an awesome shark design.

It also helps that this guy was a Vietnam vet and this design could’ve possibly been on some craft he was on. Still, how would you want to run into this grave in a cemetery?

15. Now this guy seems to give the world a finger before he left.

Now that’s nice, having a tombstone depict a hand flipping the bird. I wonder how this guy’s tombstone came to be designed with this offensive gesture.

16. Now I suppose that this guy was some kind of curmudgeon, I suppose.

Now I suppose by reading this tombstone, I’m sure that human nature hasn’t changed all that much. We always have to have our complainers.

17. Of course, some guys have motorcycles. Others just have them on their tombstones or sarcophagi.

In the medical world, motorcycles are known as “donor cycles” for obvious reasons. Still, didn’t stop my doctor uncle from getting one. Nevertheless, this tombstone must’ve been very expensive.

18. Seems like this guy really loved to play Scrabble. Wonder what happened to him.

Remember, kids, Scabble may be an educational game of spelling. Yet, it’s also a highly dangerous one and known to take those in their prime. Remember that this guy was only 21 when he was cut down.

19. Now I’m sure we all knew this would happen.

Of course, why this guy lists the names of his great grandparents, I have no idea. Still, we’re all going to die someday, right?

20. Yes, Jesus tends to call people whenever they’re on cellphones in the car sometimes. It’s called distracted driving.

Still, judging by the beehive haircut and the 1980s cell phone, I’m sure this poor woman had passed away a while ago. Then again, maybe that’s not a phone but the image just suggests she died from some cell phone related car wreck in the 1980s.

21. Now be buried in style in a granite sarcophagus with your BMW convertible on top of it.

Seriously, either the car is real or it's made from granite. If it's real, then why is it on this person's grave when it should be passed on to his or her relatives? Either way, this memorial certainly didn't come cheap.

Seriously, this must’ve been a very expensive memorial to have a care on top of a sarcophagus like that. Not to mention, it looks almost eerily real if not for the wheels. Still, if any of my relatives wanted a grave like this, I sure wouldn’t let that happen, because such concept is freaking ridiculous.

22. Guess Doris Marie Seward was so confident that she’d see the new millennium.

Then again, she almost made it, only to be cut down at the tragic young age of 82. So sad.

Then again, she almost made it, only to be cut down at the tragic young age of 82. Yes, she was an optimist indeed.

23. Now I wonder what went on here between Mr. and Mrs. Doubt.

Mrs. Doubt wants to take the back roads while Mr. Doubt says it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Hope their deaths weren’t the result of some traffic accident as these quotes hint at.

24. Sometimes tombstone epitaphs don’t seem to stop embarrassing those who lie in them.

I’m sure “bugger” was just a cute and affectionate nickname by his mother and not some homophobic slur from some bygone era. Then again, it’s hard to tell by these tombstones alone.

25. Kay may be gone, but her fudge recipe will live on.

Thankfully, Kay’s fudge recipe is on her tombstone. So anyone with an smart phone can simply take a picture of it and get the recipe there.

26. I guess Tomas Chinchilla seemed to clinch the wrong wallet at 22.

Since this is a Mexican tombstone, then his violent death shouldn’t be a surprise. Nevertheless, God is probably watching His wallet around him.

27. Now this person certainly knows how to get in touch with old friends.

Of course, I’m not sure if Ouija boards really work but I don’t know much about communicating with the dead anyway. Still, how does the tombstone version work?

28. Of course, someone always has to have a grave of a grand piano.

Of course, let's just say some people in the olden days were just as creative with their graves as some people today. Of course, the marble doesn't hold up well with the rains.

Of course, let’s just say some people in the olden days were just as creative with their graves as some people today. Of course, the marble doesn’t make great material for a gravestone since it’s prone to acid rain damage.

29. I’m sure this guy is all ready for Judgement Day, if that ever comes.

Yeah, I’m sure those angels are going roll the rock away. Still, I don’t get why carve a rock tombstone out of what’s technically rock.

30.Here this Union soldier is laid to rest in his marble tent.

Now this is interesting. Bet this guy either died in the war and had family with the money to give him a fitting tribute, or he lusted after his glory days.

31. A fitting tribute for a great electrician if there ever was one.

Now I’m sure the family had a bright idea to erect a tombstone for him with a light bulb and electrical outlet. Hope he didn’t fall prey to any occupational hazards.

32. Of course, with a computer on his or her grave, this person is always online.

Still, I’m not sure whether this computer is a Mac or a PC. Then again, it probably doesn’t even work to begin with.

33. Wonder what happened to this couple?

Yes, it’s very likely that these two probably died in some terrible accident and it’s the left person’s fault. This is as far as I could tell.

34. Now this epitaph would be perfect on the Dowager Countess’s tombstone.

Just so you know the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey is the one played by Maggie Smith. Nevertheless, this just suits her character perfectly.

35. Yeah, dude, but be lucky that your skin wasn’t turn into a saddle ridden by fat, ugly, men.

Of course, I don’t know why any guy would want this carved on his tombstone because it sounds pretty sick. Still, luckily his man didn’t get his wish.

36. Well, she could say that again.

Still, shit happens and then you die like this woman. Nevertheless, what’s with the Indian figurine on her tombstone.

37. I don’t know about you but Met Life seems to be an interesting place to work at.

Sure this guy may have an interesting last day. Yet, though I may be unemployed, this inscription doesn’t make me want to work for MetLife.

38. Well, I’m sure you can’t be good at everything, even at your job sometimes.

According to his Mexican tombstone, Pancrazio Juvenales was a wonderful husband and father but terrible electrician. I wonder which of those three distinctions killed him at 25?

39. Now this guy’s copper statue can’t wait to get out of his tomb.

Either George is a zombie or he just can’t wait till Judgement Day. Either way, his family must’ve spent a fortune on this sarcophagus.

40. Here lies Harv and may he be remembered for seeing all these bands in concert.

Man, this guy has been to a lot of concerts consisting of 1970s and 1980s musical artists. There’s Queen, Styx, Pat Benatar, Quiet Riot, Toto, Ted Nugent, Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, and many more.

41. Here lies George Campell, husband to 4 different women.

Let’s hope he wasn’t married to them all at the same time or served as a member of some Mormon polygamist cult. Still, love the epitaph, “I’m so happy here…I could just shit!”

42. So here lies Joseph William Burdet who died in his sleep at 52.

Something tells me he died in his sleep while he was at the wheel. I why I suspect this. Oh, yeah, the car carving on the top is kind of a dead giveaway. Yeah, falling asleep at the wheel could do that.

43. Of course, everyone should’ve known William Hahn was sick before he passed.

Looks like he lived to be 75 which isn’t bad. Nevertheless, people do get sick and die of natural causes from that age. Hahn’s family should’ve known.

44. In the game of life, we always go into the whole on this deal as Eric W. Jr. said.

Still, I think this is part of a couple tombstone, since his last name isn’t on the picture. Nevertheless, yeah, the deal with life would put you into a hole, literally.

45. R. I. P. James M. Brown, proof that a Texas Ranger shouldn’t mess with someone from the Chicago PD.

Sure a Texas Ranger may be a brave and noble soul in the West but he met his end at Chicago’s Garfield Park Race Track, thanks to the local PD. Looks like he wasn’t all that clean as he’s made up to be. Then again, Western law enforcement was known to be ridden with ex-cons and corrupt as hell.

46. Oh, that’s a nice epitaph for John, which was written by his friends. He must have great friends.

When you read the first letters of each line, you realize that John’s friends are basically telling him to “Fuck You.” Pretty clever stealth insult I daresay.

47. Here lies Lester More, victim of some gunfight in Tombstone, AZ.

Yes, 4 slugs from a .44 could kill you like Lester More. Guess he pissed off the wrong gunfighter and was slow on the draw.

48. Make your grave site accommodating to your family and get a granite tombstone living room set.

Of course, this tombstone living room set might be unaffordable to most people. Still, if it wasn’t made from granite, I’d take this set for my actual living room.

49. Lawrence L. Cook Jr. should’ve been faithful to his wife or his wife wouldn’t have killed him in a crime of passion.

Of course, this is what happens to some married guys who can’t keep it in their pants. Well, that or what you’d see from Fatal Attraction.

50. Seems like whoever under this sarcophagus really liked cows.

Is that guy sucking that cow’s udder? Oh, God, that’s just nasty! Still, why do they have this as a tombstone? Cemeteries should appeal to a G-rated audience for you never know if a kid is going to be there.

51. Here lies a tombstone with a parking meter?

Of course, if you stay at this woman's grave longer than expected, you may be ticketed or towed.

Of course, if you stay at this woman’s grave long after your time expires, you may be ticketed or towed. Still, why? Then again, she’s already expired.

52. Guess somebody seemed to like CCR a little too much.

Yet, whether this CCR fan was the deceased or the engraver, we’ll never know. Still, “Don’t go around tonight, Well, it’s bound to take your life. There’s a bathroom on the right” Wait, I mean “bad moon on the rise.”

53. Man, someone must really have it in for the Democrats.

Of course, this guy lived during the Jacksonian Era when the Democratic Party consisted of many guys from the South who owned slaves. So perhaps he wasn’t as crazy as the Republican bunch we have today.

54. Here lies an Austrailian Seaman who died during WWII nicknamed, “Chika”?

You don’t think of a WWII Navy Seaman when you hear the name “Chicka” do you? Well, I guess not, but they seemed to have existed at one point.

55. Here lies Miguelin, gone to that low rider in the sky.

My mom once counseled a woman whose family was fighting over whether to bury her deceased father in his Corvette. Of course, it seems that you can bury someone in a low rider in Latin America or so it seems.

56. Nothing makes a dead person seem so sleazy like a pool table on your tombstone.

Strange, this is for a couple, not a guy who’d have a Dogs Playing Poker picture. Still, let’s say the tombstone was the man’s idea.

57. Looks like the Ivisons found a place to park in Georgetown.

Then again, they may have found a place to park in Georgetown, but they didn’t get there at the same time.

58. R. I. P. Fred, killed by rock.

Read this tombstone as a reminder to be wary of large falling rocks that could hit your head. If you want to live, no less.

59. Rest in Peace Gustava and by the way, your Ricardo is a cheapskate.

So what if Ricardo didn’t give any money to pay for his dad’s grave? Then again, being that this grave’s in Mexico, he could have a ton of excuses like being poor or having to worry about drug cartels.

60. Now a cemetery on land is the last place I’d see Spongebob Squarepants, especially in uniform.

Now I may have seen many things in a cemetery, but I haven’t seen a monument quite like this. Still, I don’t think Spongebob has a place in a cemetery, and why erect such a monument in the first place?

61. R. I. P. Bill Kugle, no fan of Republicans.

Of course, I don’t vote for Republicans either but that because they’re just crazy, egocentrically religious nutjobs, Corporate American lapdogs, idiots or all of the above in my book. Of course, this is jut my political opinion but I could see Kugle’s point.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, this person has logged out.

Let’s just hope that “connection reset by peer” isn’t synonymous with “murder,” shall we? Still, too bad he didn’t live past 28.

63. Of course, fender could be a lot of things in our culture, but I think the one on this tombstone refers to a saddle.

Judging by the tombstone being made from a possibly marble (meaning “old”), it’s likely that Wathel Bender was killed in some literal foul horseplay or some equine accident if you will. Also, who names their kid Wathel?

64. According to his epitaph, this guy was a bit of a drinker.

Sure Grover Cleveland Nichols may have liked his whiskey, but it’s amazing that he lived to be 87 as you see by his life dates. Of course, he may have stopped drinking by that time but we’ll never know.

65. Of course, you might be able to parallel park at this tomb sites but the parking meters are both expired.

Still, I wonder about the identities about this couple buried here. I mean I can’t even read the tombstone since it’s so flat.

66. Sure it may be a cheesy poem, but it gets creepy real quick.

Yeah, I could see why your love may be taboo. Then again, being in love with a dead (or technically dead) person is understandable. This is why a lot of kids like Twilight despite that it’s a romance between a teenage girl and a 107 year old vampire guy who attends her local high school. I think I’d rather stick to Harold & Maude and Venus when it comes to May December romance stories pertaining to teenagers.

67. It seemed that Lola S. Holt was accepting of her fate by the end.

Of course, I don’t understand why the life dates had to be screwed on. The birth one, especially. I mean one should at least be certain of that.

68. Lester Mack Fender seemed to be a bit of a fixer upper in life as I could see.

Now I hope the guy didn’t have some sort of screw loose before he kicked the bucket. Still, a wrench is a perfect tombstone for those Mr. Fixit types, isn’t it?

69. Of course, how about place the deceased’s photo on the piano grave stone?

Yes, they put photos on graves stones back in 1911 though it’s probably much more difficult and expensive than it is now. Same goes for the piano tombstone, which is a spinet, I believe.

70. Seems like this guy’s love for Star Wars lived on beyond the grave.

Then again, I bet his favorite Star Wars character was perhaps the wrinkly green guy who most people could imitate. Too bad this kid died before he could see Yoda kick ass in the prequels.

71. Some children’s graves have lambs, others have actual children on them.

I don't know about you, but does anyone else think these graves stones are incredibly creepy? Seriously, they are.

I don’t know about you, but does anyone else think these graves stones are incredibly creepy? Seriously, kiddie graves are scary enough but ones with babies in cribs or high chair, well, eek.

72. Two roads, one choice. Where will John Payn go now that he’s dead? Well, there’s only one way to find out.

Will John get to spend his eternal days in heaven or will he suffer the fate of eternal damnation? Stay tuned for more…..eventually.

73. For man’s best friend, how about a tombstone of Snoopy on his dog house?

Of course, a granite tombstone of Snoopy wouldn’t necessarily be for a dog. I mean that would just be insane wouldn’t it?

74. Now a clothes pin tombstone isn’t what you’d see in every cemetery.

Now I kind of understand the notion of having tombstones of Spongebob, Snoopy, or a happy dolphin. But this? Well, I just have no clue why anyone would want a granite tombstone on their graves.

75. Someone seems to be a big fan of the Rolling Stones. At least it’s “Paint It Black.”

Now I’m sure a tombstone like this can’t get no satisfaction among the guy’s parents. Well, if they were like my grandparents and still alive so to speak.

76. Have a drink on Karl Bratz.

The fact his grave has a keg makes me wonder if alcohol had anything to do with his death. Probably did.

77. Here lies Micah Green, a man surrounded by idiots.

Yes, he may have seen dumb people. But somehow he seemed quite relatable.

Yes, he may have seen dumb people. But he probably wasn’t too bright himself since he died at 16. Hope his death wasn’t his fault.

78. Of course, this tomb has everything on tap.

My guess this person owned a bar while alive. Because I know bartenders don’t make a lot to have a tombstone like that.

79. If you want to reach your deceased loved one, call.

Of course, I really don’t know the number to reach Heaven. Then again, you might have to die before you dial for the heavens.

80. Here lies Pauline J. Weinberg, loved more in death than in life.

Guess jerks have to die, too, you know. Wonder how her family wrote about her in her obituary.

NSFW Business Naming and Design

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 24, 2014

When it comes to starting a business, branding is everything. Branding is how businesses market their products and services to potential customers in a way that defines as well as advertises. Now one of the first ways to come up with a brand is in the business’s name. Think of how the name in many of the brands we see today defines the products and services in a lot of today’s enterprises. Still, to the aspiring entrepreneur, the business name could come in many different forms. Some could be just the name and the business you’re offering such as “Dan Paisley’s Auto Parts Store.” Some can be more creative like “Honest John’s Used Car Dealership” or “Handsome Greg’s Hardware Store.” Sometimes you can go with a clever name like many of the businesses in The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series like “Speedy Motors,” “Last Chance Salon,” or “The Handsome Men’s Go-Go Bar.” Yet, however you name your business, make sure it’s suited for a PG or G rated audience and defines what you’re selling. And even if you have a good business name, make sure it’s designed in aw way it doesn’t have unfortunate implications. Still, while there may be a lot of good business names out there, this isn’t the post for them. Rather it’s for those who probably should’ve considered hiring a marketing consultant but didn’t. So without further adieu, here are some bad business names and sign designs that may make you question what the hell the owner was thinking.

1. Doggy Style Pet Shop

I’m sure a great name for a pet store pertains to a sex position deriving from the idea of two dogs humping each other. Anyone who’s been around dogs would know what that means.

2. Megaflicks Video Store

While Megaflicks is a perfectly good name for a video store, perhaps the sci-fi font wasn’t a good idea. Then again, this might be more appropriate sign for an adult film store.

3. Know Knew Books Used Bookstore

What business owner sees as a clever pun, another sees the sign wondering if the person who designed it knows how to spell.

4. Retarded Children’s Thrift Store

You may need to get a new business name if the one you currently have contains highly offensive term for mentally disabled people. Seriously, it’s as bad as naming your football team the Redskins.

5. Dong Welding

When choosing an appropriate name for a business, make sure yours doesn’t refer to synonym for genitalia. Also, I’m sure this business name makes men cringe if they don’t know anyone named Dong.

6. Stoner Drug Pharmacy

I’m sure “Stoner Drug” is a great name for a drugstore. I can see it now, “Stoner Drug: Our Stash Will Make You High.” Hope this is just a medical marijuana dispensary.

7. Blood’s Seafood & Catering

Now while Blood may be a great name for a pirate captain, it’s not so much for a seafood restauranteur. Then again, you can say that for anything else other than pirate or serial killer.

8. Boring Business Systems

I’m sure if I hear if someone has “Boring” in their business name, that I might be interested in what they have to offer. Not.

9. Hooker Cockram Construction Firm

From a comment on a Tumblr site Awkward Names: “Just found this company in our contact database. They have an employee called R. Wang.
So there’s a guy called R. Wang, working at a company that specializes in erections, called Hooker Cockram.” It’s a construction company in Australia now known as just Cockram and they even have a website, too.

10. Goin’ Postal Shipping Center

Aside from being a name of a major shipping franchise, “going postal” also means becoming extremely or uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence, and usually in a workplace environment. It gets its name from a bunch of post office incidents from 1986 onwards about postal workers attacking and killing their fellow employees and managers.

11. The Barfer Shoppe Pet Food Store

Now this one gets its name from its slogan “Biologically Appropriate Raw Food for Cats and Dogs.” Of course when I hear “barfer” I usually think of someone regurgitating food that’s already been digested.

12. Poo-Ping Palace Thai Cuisine

This is a Thai restaurant in Australia. Still, I’m not sure what Poo-Ping means in Thai. Then again, perhaps this sign is just explaining what happens a few hours later. Either way, still pretty funny.

13. B. A. A. D. Carpet Care

Gets its name from its slogan, “‘Best All Around Deal’ Company.” Still, if you have “bad” in your business name, I’m sure people wouldn’t want to buy it.

14. The Tranny Shop Auto Transmission Repair Service

Of course, “tranny” here is supposed to be short for transmission. Yet, when everyone else here’s the word, “tranny,” they think of someone who’s been through a sex change.

15. B. J. Queen Enterprises LLC Mechanical Contractor

Now I supposed, “B. J.” is the guy’s name. And I also suppose that he hasn’t seen the South Park episode with the Jonas Brothers. Oh, and I’m sure no girl in her right mind may want to be referred to as “B. J. Queen.”

16. Bong’s Cleaners Dry Cleaning

For the businessman who needs his designer suit cleaned after he’s smoked one. I guess this is a dry cleaning store in the “Rocky Mountain High” Colorado.

17. Butt Drilling Water Well Engineers

This is a water well engineering firm in New Zealand. Still, I wonder if they have a lot of assholes working for them. Then again, that business probably made them assholes.

18. Bill Buttram Photography

Of course, the logo design doesn’t deter much shits and giggles either. As someone said on Awkward Names, “Buttram, with a nice logo to show a demonstration as to what is being said :).”

19. Cock Polishing Services

For the man searching for a clean and polished look for where the sun don’t shine. Of course, this won’t count for the guy living in a nudist colony.

20. Cuchi’s Barbershop and Beauty Salon

Of course, when I hear the word, “Cuchi” I think of a family hair salon. Actually not really. Still, I wonder if this place does Brazilians.

21. Dick’s Pumping Concrete Service

Doesn’t help that their slogan is, “We’ll put our hose anywhere.” Still, I wonder if this business also sells those pumps to old men with erectile dysfunction.

22. The Dress Barn Clothing Store

Now there's nothing wrong with the name. However, it's a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one's clientele livestock won't get them rushing to the door.

Now there’s nothing wrong with the name at first.
However, it’s a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one’s clientele livestock won’t get them rushing to the door.

23. Dykes Lumber Company

Probably the only Lumber Company facility in these parts that probably has speakers blasting to Melissa Etheridge music. Also, they even have their own website.

24. Family Beer & Liquor Store

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I'm sure they came up with "Family" just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don't think a place that sells alcoholic drinks should put "family" in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I’m sure they came up with “Family” just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don’t think a place that sells alcohol should put “family” in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

25. P. C. P. Dining Chinese Restaurant

Possibly the Chinese restaurant that offers the trippiest food in the business. Said that the food is so good, you might want to rip off you clothes and bite your neighbor for some leftovers.

26. Gross Convenient Store

At least this place lives up to the reputation of most convenient stores. Let’s just say people are scared enough of convenient store food as it is. Not to mention, “Gross,” isn’t a name you’d want to use on a business sign.

27. Hindenburger Restaurant

Basically their burgers are said to taste so great, that you’d say “Oh, the humanity!” Seriously, why name a burger place after a 1937 aviation disaster? It’s like naming a business after the Titanic.

28. Nude Furniture Store

Basically this is a store for furniture without the covers. Nevertheless, while trying to look it up on Google Images, I got more pictures of naked women than this business.

29. PMS Firearms

The gun store for those women experiencing that time of the month when they need to go on a homicidal rampage. Yeah, firearms, that’s what all moody women need while on their periods.

30. Prom Discount Liquors Store

Because there always has to be the store where all the high school kids get their booze on the night that leads to more teens getting pregnant and contracting STDs than any other.

31. Hump It & Dump It Waste Removal and Demolitions

This is a business in Britain. Still, it’s name can also be referred to as “one night stand.” Yeah, not something that should be encouraged.

32. Spermies T-Shirt Design

Now seriously, what’s with naming a T-shirt design business Spermies? Even worse, why is their mascot an actual sperm?

33. Butcher Family Funeral Home

Now I’m sure many people who go in there for a viewing are pleasantly surprised that the place doesn’t remind them of anything related to Sweeny Todd.

34. Booty’s House of Crabs Restaurant

I’m sure those crabs aren’t the ones you get in your nether region. Still, this sign is just too dirty to ignore.

35. Dumploads OnUs Junk Removal Specialists

Of course, by dumping loads they mean junk, not poop. Still, I have to admit the business name certainly suits it.

36. Vagina Tandoori Indian Cuisine

Now I’m sure restaurants from East Asia aren’t the only ones with dirty names. Hope “vagina” doesn’t mean anything inappropriate in Hindi. Then again, people in India speak a lot of different languages.

37. Fashion Do-Do Clothing Store

Basically this is the clothing store pertaining to wardrobe malfunctions. That, or designer clothes made from shit.

38. Hand Job Nails & Spa

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it's also where a man could get his dick manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it's on Castro Street in San Francisco.

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it’s also where a man could get his junk manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it’s on Castro Street in San Francisco, home of Harvey Milk.

39. Dirty Dick’s Crab House

Let’s hope the crabs you got from Dirty Dick’s are the ones you ate on your plate. Of course, Dirty Dick may be laden with STDs for all you know. Still, seriously, why go with the STD angle on crab shacks? Come on. Don’t you want people to bring their kids?

40. Analtech Thin Laser Chromatography

This is a technology company that makes laser chromatographic plates. However, the name is more appropriate for a tech company that makes probes that go all the way up in your ass.

41. FAG Bearings Corporation

This is a ball bearings company in Germany and apparently FAG is an abbreviation for a German saying. Yet, in English, “fag” is short for “faggot,” which is a derogatory slur to gay people.

42. Suck Bang Blow Restaurant and Saloon

Despite the name, it’s probably not an Asian restaurant. Actually, it’s a biker bar at Myrtle Beach believe it or not. Still, I bet this sign gets a lot of complaints from parents.

43. Pho King Way Noodles & Grill

Now this is one of more dirty named Asian restaurants. This one is Vietnamese. Sometimes I wonder why these Asian establishments have such names as a joke or something.

44. The Chocolate Log Confectionary and Coffee Shop

Now there are great names for a candy and coffee store. Yet, I’m sure “chocolate log” isn’t one of them because it’s another word for “shit.”

45. Ho-Made Restaurant

Now the "Eat In" and "Carry Out" slogan seem to give "Ho-Made" a whole new meaning. Then again "Ho-Made" is said to be short for "homemade" yet we all know what a "ho" is.

Now the “Eat In” and “Carry Out” slogan seem to give “Ho-Made” a whole new meaning. Then again “Ho-Made” is said to be short for “homemade” yet doesn’t make the sign sound less dirty does it?

46. S & M Mini Mall

S & M Mini Mall: the shopping center that caters to all your BDSM needs. I bet this is the ultimate shopping destination for the dominatrix where she could buy a gimp suit and the latest designer cat o’ nine tails.

47. Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service

Because you never know when you’ll need a cooling service that would make your house so cold that it hurts the sensitive regions of your chest.

48. Big Dick’s Halfway Inn Resort

Doesn’t help when it’s slogan is “Home of the Original Minnow Shot.” Also, the arrow just kills me. Still, name of a restaurant and bar in Missouri.

49. The Sweet Dairy Air Shop

Of course, while it may be a store for dairy products, the name sounds like another word for butt. Doesn’t help that there’s something phallic about that sheep.

50. Toylet Anime and Airsoft

Where anime comics and airsoft make good company. Still, I could understand anime comics at least in manga form but airsoft guns? I mean how do you play paint ball when you’re sitting on the commode?

51. Herpes Pizza

Where you order pizza once and pay for it over the rest of your life. I heard the extra sores special is sensational. Still, what’s with the corn ear on the sign? Seriously, what does corn have to do with pizza?

52. Cabbages & Condoms Thai Restaurant

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex? Then again, it's in Bangkok.

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex at the same time? Then again, it’s in Bangkok.

53. Hooker’s Funeral Home

Well, it has to be nice that there’s a funeral that takes in all those poor sex workers who’ve been killed on cop shows. Their viewings must be very interesting.

54. Kids Exchange

Never underestimate the value of spacing. If two close, the words, “kids exchange” may read “kid sex change.” Yeah, it happens.

55. Mammoth Erection Scaffolders

Remember this is a construction company, not what old man gets when he’s had too many Viagra. Still, if you call this company asking for long, firm poles, they may hang up on you.

56. Curl Up & Dye Hair Salon

If Sweeny Todd could expand into the beauty parlor business, this would be the perfect name for it. Still, I’m sure people don’t want to have any thoughts about death while getting their haircut, especially after watching Sweeny Todd.

57. Badcock Home Furniture & More

Now this would be one of the most ironic places for a man to be caught with his pants down. Ironically, it’s a store chain in the South, which means perhaps the place where David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards bought their dining chairs. Then again, you may not know who these guys are.

58. The Dirty Hoe Garden Shed

Finally, a perfect place for lonely men to get petunias, fertilizer, and a watering can for their mothers as well as a female escort for themselves. Well, if they’re into that sort of thing and can live with the STDs for the rest of their lives.

59. Barf Bed & Breakfast

Heard they have excellent guest accommodations but the food is just disgusting. I mean it’s bad enough to make you puke if you know what I mean. Still, you might want to eat out if you ever stop there.

60. Blue Balls Boutique

Now here’s a nice little boutique for all the guys who are saving it for marriage, thinking about entering a monastery or priesthood, or men who just aren’t getting any right now.

61. Knobs & Knockers Door Accessories

While this may be a cute name for a door accessories or hardware store, it’s also a very appropriate name for a sex shop. I mean I’ve seen Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, “What knockers!” And Inga goes, “Oh, thank you, doctor.”

62. S. T. D. Central Flea Market

Where you come for the cheap crap you pay for the rest of your life on antibiotics and safe sex. Perhaps I should pass this resale shop if I ever come across it.

63. Pee & Poo Food & Drink

Please let this be an Asian restaurant and not some reflection of the fare this business has to offer. Because that would be disgusting beyond all reason.

64. Shemale Hair Salon

Let’s just hope this salon’s “body works” and “fast altercations” don’t pertain to a quick sex reassignment surgery. Because I’m perfectly fine with being a woman, thank you.

65. Pussy Cleaners Dry Cleaning

Finally, the place where I can take my formal wear to be dry cleaned and have my private parts cleaned at the same time. Then again, I usually clean my nether regions myself in the shower, thank you very much.

66. Menlove Dental Practice

If you’re a straight man, then going to this dentist might give the words “open wide” and “it’s just a little prick” a whole disturbing new subtext.

67. Camel Towing Removal Service

Whether it’s clearing a tree down the road or relieving a woman from the embarrassment of showing her crotch in really tight pants, these are the guys for you.

68. Fuk Mi Sushi Bar & Seafood Buffet

Now this Japanese restaurant has everything such as sushi, seafood, and an escort service to boot. Still, what a terrible name.

69. Long Poo Gas Supplies

Whether it’s methane, propane, or whatever’s coming from your rear end, these people got it all. Nevertheless, proceed with caution since natural gas is flammable and does nothing to stop global warming.

70. Hammered Liquor Store

May not be the most appropriate business name, but it fits. Yes, liquor and alcohol will get you hammered if you drink enough of it.

71. Scandinavian Sun Tanning Salon

Sure Scandinavian people have good tans, yet understand that some places in Scandinavia don’t get sunshine during certain times of the year. So it’s kind of a stretch.

72. Sherrill’s Eat Here and Get Gas Rest Stop

I know this is a rest stop, but the word “gas” has another meaning than just fuel for the car. Remind me not to order anything with beans at this place if you know what I mean.

73. Brick Furniture Store

Let’s just say, you wouldn’t expect a anything from Brick Furniture to be very comfortable. In fact, quite the opposite.

74. Tom Raper RVs

Now having your own name in the business is fine but not if your name is Raper. This is especially true when you sell RVs.

75. Killer for Hire Exterminators

This is an exterminator business, yet you wouldn’t know it by the presentation, which suggests a completely different service. I’m sure this business will take care of those unwanted pests at and will make you an offer you can’t refuse.

The Wonderful World of Playgrounds

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 14, 2014

In our day in age, playgrounds are seen as places for children to experience the great outdoors, exercise, and frolic in a set of equipment in an urbanized environment. Of course, what kid doesn’t like to go on a slide, monkey bars, seesaws, swings, or the merry go round. Sometimes there may be a carousel where kids can ride on the horses as carnival music plays in the background. Now I can go on and on how so many of these playgrounds have cutesy and kid friendly imagery that makes such an outdoor wonderland all kid friendly and fun for the whole family. But of course, you wouldn’t want to see that. Instead, I’ll show you pictures of playgrounds that might traumatize your kids in years to come or may be just plain inappropriate. And I’m not going to show pictures of abandoned playgrounds which may be unsafe and unsanitary either. They’re either playground pieces designed by people on drugs, wanting to show artistic expression, or have no artistic skills to pull off any child friendly imagery. So without further adieu, here are some playground pieces that might scare off the kiddies. Also, most of these are in Russia by the way and some of these images may not be safe for work.

1. Jump over the low hanging bars with the white rhino and pig.

I’m sure if these were real, they wouldn’t be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

2. Oh, look, a peasant family seems to be trying to uproot a new turnip.

I’m not sure what’s going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don’t want to know. Still, I don’t know whether that’s really a plant or not.

3. Go ahead, climb up that friendly snake or dinosaur.

No, I don’t think I’d want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

4. Hey, kids, here is the Mirror People.

Of course, I’m sure they’re not dangerous. Yet, I can’t really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they’d be very great for a horror movie and could be aliens with ambitions for world domination for all I care.

5. You can always have great fun while playing in somebody’s chest cavity.

Now I wonder where those yellow legs came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

Now I wonder where those yellow feet came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

6. Oh, look, here’s Poseidon just arrived out of the ocean.

Now I think I’ve just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he’s just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

7. Of course, he’s just an old harmless elf from the Keebler Tree.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he’s the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don’t want to go near him.

8. Climb up and slide down this giant man’s legs.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn’t seem to be just two. Also, he doesn’t have a nice expression on his face.

9. Just a pig minding his own business.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he’d been holding it in all day. He didn’t expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

10. C’mon, kids, why don’t you just roll this beam with Bearikins and his pal Satan.

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer’s judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously? He’s the Devil.

11. Hey, there’s Harry the Hedgehog with an apple.

Don’t look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn’t seem like he’s up to any good. Also wants your soul.

12. Now isn’t that nice? Here’s the Big Bad Wolf and Peter Cottontail playing Twister.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn’t want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain’t good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

13. “Greetings, earthlings, we come in peace.”

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I’m not sure they’re harmless.

14. Oh, dear, the poor dog hurt his leg.

I’m sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn’t have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

15. It’s fun to play on top of these, uh whatever they are.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-acpocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-apocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

16. Now this creature seems like he’s really enjoying himself.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster’s mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea of what lay before them.

17. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Joker.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

18. C’mon kiddies, we want to play with you. Don’t be scared.

I’m an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I’m sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don’t come out to play.

19. Come and enjoy accordion music with Crocky and his friends.

I’m sure Crocky won’t harm anybody but I’m not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it. Now I’m not sure if I want to hear, “Crocodile Polka.”

20. Take a trip on this lovely amusement park ride with Cthulhu.

I’m sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won’t do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

21. Come up and play with the house monsters and have a great time.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

22. Nurse wants you to take your medicine.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor’s office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

23. The doctor will now administer your shot please.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

24. C’mon, play under the giant green octopus.

Let’s hope this giant green octopus doesn’t come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there’s suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

25. Climb up and slide down this giant fly.

Now take it from someone who knows. It’s a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

26. Come up and slide on the giant lizard.

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why do this if it’s not a playground associated with reptiles?

27. Have some fun playing in a giant spider web.

Now I don’t care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

28. Come and play at the playground with the giant bugs.

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what’s with the giant bugs?

29. Now have your kids relive the Lilliputian experience with the Gulliver’s Travels playground set.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver’s Travels isn’t for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults and yet Gulliver’s travels on Lilliput seem to be continuously adapted in children’s media.

30. Aw, look at the cute little playground animals.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a “Carnival of Nightmares,” especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue. Just because it’s in bright colors doesn’t mean it’s not scary.

31. These little black monsters just want to play with you.

Seriously, these aren’t cute. They’re creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

32. Now every playground has to have a nice dog since everyone loves them.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn’t want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you’d see from the Muppets.

33. Oh, look here’s a centaur.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don’t want to know which end is used for what. Just don’t ask me.

34. Look, kiddies, see the bird now go play on it.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I’m not sure if I’d call it a bird or not.

35. Now let’s just frolic with this serpent thing near a manhole.

Let’s just say whoever’s fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

36. Playing on a mouse trap is so fun.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I’ve ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids’ playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that’s sick.

37. Climb atop on the dragon with the three colored bottles attached to him.

Sure it’s a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don’t know what they symbolize.

38. Now come inside a giant guy’s head to keep yourselves warm.

Now this is just messed up. I really don’t understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

39. This little boy seems to enjoy riding the shroom monster.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

40. Now here’s a nice lovely little fountain for a great aesthetic playground look.

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren’t playgrounds supposed to be for children for God’s sake?

41. The 3 headed green dragon really just wants to play.

Of course, I’ve never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

42. Of course, what’s a playground without climbing rope?

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn’t in Russia and that kid doesn’t seem to want to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

43. Have a ball on the cow tongue slide.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

44. Welcome to Satan’s fun house.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner. My mistake. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

45. Oh, look at that cute little bear cub.

Okay, now real bear cubs don’t look like they’re something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

46. Hey, at least this elephant sculpture in Russia isn’t so scary.

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that’s just gross. Seriously, why?

47. Now this is nice. A bunch of rainbow colored kids with hoops. Wonder what can go wrong there.

Is it just me or do these kids look like they’re peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

48. Now here’s one with some girl about to get devoured by a giant wicked witch.

I know King Kong isn’t exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.’

49. Oh, cute, a veterinarian trying to see if the wild animals are healthy. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there’s always a way to expand his drug operation isn’t there?

50. Now look at this nice little equipment piece.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn’t walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

51. Now finally, a playground piece on “Little Red Riding Hood.”

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he’s not even in Grandma’s nightie yet. Now that’s doomed to traumatized kids for years.

52. Okay, so there’s a statue of a bunch of kids playing. Now what can possibly go wrong with that?

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what’s that in the back kid’s butt? Okay, I don’t want to know.

53. You don’t want to cross this 3 headed dragon.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

54. Now join Hammy the pig and ride this magical carousel.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That’s just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

55. So while you’re at the park, kiddos, don’t forget to slide down the cheese grater.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn’t see where he’d land before going down the slide.

56. Climb up and go down the slide through somebody’s giant disembodied head.

Now this is messed up. Let’s just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don’t mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody’s ear to their neck.

57. Come up and play on this giant robot.

Of course, it’s very angry and keeps telling itself to, “Kill the humans!” but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

58. Now let’s sit beside this nice old lady.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

59. Now, kids, you can slide down a ferocious gorilla.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong’s right boob for God’s sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would’ve been worse.

60. Now here’s a statue of a nice little creature we may not know about.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn’t seem to be quite happy as well as has a certain blood lust for vengeance.

61. Now that’s nice a cute little sheep playground piece. What can go wrong with that?

Wait a minute, that’s not a sheep. It’s a mutant creature with a sheep’s head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

62. Now these two seem to have a very good time.

Oh, God, please don’t tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can’t post on this blog.

63. Come to the pool to swim with the wolf and the rabbit.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

64. Now climb aboard this funky bird or psychedelic cuckoo.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it’s a bird that’s simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

65. Hey, kids, climb upon the giant crocodile.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don’t think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

66. Now here is a nice girl statue in the park.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

67. Aw, look at that little girl sitting with Cthulhu?

I’m sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus’ lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

68. Let’s play on this large yellow, whatever it is?

The fact this creature is eyeless with a toothy smile makes me not want to go near it. I mean, it’s the stuff of nightmares.

69. Aw, look at that cute little sheep.

This piece of mutton may look harmless. Yet, look into its eyes and it seems to have a sinister disposition. I would worry about that coming to life.

70. Climb aboard and play on this large, block monster.

Now this guy reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Well, the Tin Man if he didn’t have a heart and didn’t want one.

71. Now let’s run through the tall guy in green’s legs.

I’m sure the tall guy reminds me of the giant from “Jack in the Beanstalk” if he was a really natty dresser. Still, he may lust for the blood of an Englishman, or a Russian in that matter. Of course, he’ll take what he can get.

72. Hey, look at that nice friendly robot.

This is actually one of the few American playground pieces on this list. Still, it doesn’t seem to look very friendly or has some sneaky side. Also, its walls remind me of a prison.

73. Now let’s play on this old Soviet tank. It’s fun.

Now there are some pieces that should never be recycled into playground equipment. Tanks are one of these. Still, why Russia, why?

74. Now there’s Count Orlok sucking his fingers.

Yes, that certainly reminds me of the vampire I’ve seen from the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu. At least he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight unlike another vampire we’re familiar with.

75. Oh, look it’s the 3 little pigs.

Or at least the soulless recreations of them. Still, I don’t mind if the Big Bad Wolf eats them for I’d fear they’d eat me.

Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 10, 2014

Trick or treating has always been a Halloween tradition in which children would change in their costumes as well as carry their buckets to say, “Trick or Treat” to people all over the neighborhood. Of course, with me you had to get the aid of a car and/or word of some nearby town was doing it since I lived in the country. I’ve trick or treated in towns like Smithton, West Newton, and Rostraver. Yet, I also did a bit of trick or treating in college since it was the only place where I didn’t need to drive and didn’t have older people think there’s something wrong with. I mean I had to stop trick or treating after I turned 12 or 13 where I lived. Still, I enjoyed this tradition and perhaps someday I’ll take my kids trick or treating as well. Maybe I won’t dress up as a Hogwarts schoolgirl like I did in college but I definitely would take my kids out to get candy from strangers as well as make their costumes like my mom did back in the day. Of course, no matter how much I love dressing up in costumes for candy as well as candy in general (particularly chocolate), there were certain treats I didn’t really care for. Yet, I would find these every year in my bag whether I wanted to eat them or not. Nevertheless, if there’s a trick or treating event in your neighborhood this Halloween season, then perhaps I could cue you in on some of the candies the local kids won’t like. So without further adieu, here are some of the candy that will make children hate you this Halloween season. Warning: may not all necessarily be candies, just stuff people have received trick or treating.

1. Flavored Tootsie Rolls-regular Tootsie Rolls are kind of gross if you really think about it. I mean they kind of look like dog turds. Yet, to have one that’s vanilla or orange cream flavor, ugh.

2. Smarties-these are usually the last candies left in anyone’s Halloween haul. Basically all that’s in them is sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, food coloring, and possibly chalk dust. You’re better off eating a bowl full of sugar with a spoon. Basically, these are what people buy to give to kids if they don’t want to go over their minuscule candy budget. If Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by trick or treaters, he’d give them these.

3. Good & Plenty-even for those who like black licorice, these are never a welcome sign. Sure there are plenty of them in their 1960s era package design, but many say they are as bitter the pill medicine they’re shaped as.

4. Candy Corn-hey, I actually kind of like this candy and I kind of feel bad putting this imitation 1880s kernel on the list. However, many tend to say this Halloween icon tastes like the wax, corn syrup, and sugar it was made from. Isn’t called “the fruitcake of Halloween” for nothing.

5. Dots-they may look chewy but having them in your mouth will give you as much sensation as piece of sugar coated half-hardened cement.

6. Now and Later-well, I don’t really hate them but they do have a texture of stale taffy that you wonder was ever fresh to begin with. Not to mention, I’ve eaten a few and have been surprised that I didn’t break any of my teeth afterwards. Also, check if the person giving you them is a dentist because he or she may have a hidden agenda like spending Christmas vacation to the Bahamas.

7. Strawberry Hard Candy-these just look like easily rewrapped candy in strawberry styled plastic wrap. Yet, people like them though I didn’t. And according to Complex, “The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center.”

8. Bubblegum-if it’s Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, either it’s the remains of a surplus made 20 years ago or made from an instantly stale formula. May seem to have a flavor at first but after a few seconds, becomes a tasteless, rubbery, mass that may ruin your teeth.

9. Wax Bottles-if you were the kid who used to pick the wax droppings from the candles and ate them, then these candies are for you. Well, the wax bottle anyway. Still, I hear the stingingly sugary sweet processed juice in them is nasty.

10. Necco Wafers-one person from Thrillist writes, “If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.” Also, despite that they’re practically reviled as a candy for chalky texture and invariable staleness, they’re still being made and sold. It’s a great mystery to us all. And form TopTenz, “They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.”

11. Mary Janes- this may seem like a good idea for a kid’s candy since it’s a molasses and peanut butter flavored taffy. No one will ever eat them. Of course, there are the other kind of Mary Jane candies but they’re not for kids and only legal in the state of Washington and Colorado where, “sitting around the campfire, everybody’s high,” in the words of John Denver.

12. Fireballs-yes, they are a strong timeless candy yet, you have to suck on these for about 15 minutes or more. You can devour more candy in that time frame. Yet, as for me, I try to save it as long as possible.

13. Almond Joy/Mounds-if the cherry fondue is the last candy in a chocolate box to be eaten, then anything with coconut is a close second.

14. Fruit (save maybe candy apples)-basically, giving trick or treaters fruit says, “Hey, I’m a major health nut who cares more about not contributing to juvenile diabetes more than I care about Halloween tradition.” It’s even worse if they’re apples with razor blades. Hey, if you don’t want to contribute to juvenile diabetes during Halloween the least you can do is hand out pieces of paper with George Washington’s face. Even quarters are acceptable.

15. Bit-O-Honey-from Thrillist, “I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon — we’re an evolving people.” Said to always taste stale and takes very long to eat.

16. Fruit Snacks-may be appropriate for school lunches in elementary school but certainly not in candy bags during Halloween.

17. Gingerbread Cookies-now I love gingerbread cookies, but they’re Christmas so it’s too freaking early. Also, those cookies might just as well be leftovers from last Christmas or earlier. Gross.

18. Spare Change-look, I was totally cool with receiving money from adults during trick or treating and even would appreciate more so now since I’m an unemployed college graduate who lives with her parents. However, no child wants to receive chump change like nickels, dimes, and pennies. Now that’s just being cheap.

19. Dum Dums Lollipops-I hated these as a kid and still don’t care for them now. Just these small little lollipops with a cheap taste you see at a bank that aren’t worth my time.

20. Green Tea Kit Kats- now there are some who like green tea and Kit Kats, but not in the same candy. Of course, this is Japan, but even Japanese children wouldn’t stand for this shit. I mean who eats a green Kit Kat Bar is like saying who in their right mind would eat green eggs and ham? (No offense, Dr. Seuss.) Just don’t break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Sorry, Japan.

21. Runts-for me, these were better suited as fake fruit for my Barbie Dolls than anything edible. As a writer from the Houston Press said, “Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive.” At least they’re said to be disappearing, thanks to the decline of coin operated candy dispensers.

22. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups-as one writer of the Houston Press put it, “A perfect example of how the unnecessary introduction of white chocolate (which is not even chocolate, btw) ruins a perfectly respectable product.” Yeah, white chocolate and peanut butter, put it up there with the cherry fondue.

23. Hershey’s Creme Kisses-the cherry cordial is full of what is said to taste like cough syrup while the orange crème isn’t much better. It’s like the cherry fondue in a chocolate box which is extremely nasty that people usually eat it last.

24. Candy Buttons-these artificially colored sugar mounds on cheap paper are actually so tasteless one writer from the Houston Press noted but, “every time I eat them I feel like I’m overdosing on birth control pills.” The kiddies are better off with these containing LSD or some other kind of acid from Woodstock.

25. Jujubes-don’t taste like the real fruits they claim to represent. Also, tend to get stuck at your teeth and perhaps dislodge any dental work.

26. Circus Peanuts- these are said to be among the cheapest, nastiest, and old fashioned crap confections. According to someone from the Houston Press, they “taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.”

27. Candy Cigarettes-yes, we had a lot of fun with these as kids, yet they just don’t have a good taste. Probably better off using pretzels as cigarettes instead. Heard a nearby school district passed these out, which I think is hilarious. Still, the vintage ones look even more realistic with the packaging. You know those were out just to get the kiddies hooked.

28. Candy Necklaces- these taste like chalk and don’t go with anything you’d wear, especially if you’re a guy.

29. Sour Candies-I have no taste for these and I’ve heard they’re even worse for your teeth than regular candy. Also, they taste really, really bad.

30. Original Boston Baked Beans-as a writer from the Houston Press said, “Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.”

31. Butterscotch Candies-seem just the kind of hard caramel candies you’d find in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

32. Raisins-it’s basically dried fruit and what many people might give kids as a healthier substitute than candy. I always hate it when I bite in what I thought was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie only to discover it had raisins in it.

33. Toothbrushes-these should only be reserved as giveaways from dental appointments not for trick or treating.

34. Milk Duds-from E!, “’Dud’ is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.”

35. Raisinets- doesn’t matter how much chocolate it’s covered with, it’s still a raisin. Seriously, for those who give them out to kids in order to encourage good health, this is particularly cruel.

36. Black Licorice-gets a bad rap for a reason. Also, studies show that nobody under 80 likes these but that may have to do with the fact that they were children during the Great Depression who were just happy to get anything that’s candy. Heard it’s made out of the same material used to insulate electric cords.

37. Whoppers-possibly among the most divisive candies of all time. Also, that chocolate shell isn’t really chocolate. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those malted milk balls.

38. Root Beer Barrels-actually all pop flavored candy isn’t really that good, according to most people. Besides, we all know that people drink pop for the carbonation, not the fizz.

39. Peanut Chews- from Complex, “This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.”

40. Sixlets- basically these are M&Ms without the Ms or possibly a bootleg version. Will melt in your hand and packaging, not your mouth.

41. Peppermint Hard Candies-basically the kind you give to someone to let them know that they’re suffering from halitosis. Also, used in waiting rooms and hotels. On Halloween, these may have been in people’s households since Christmas.

42. Crows-basically if all the Dots gumdrops mated with the black licorice, it would result in these. Also, kind of look like small turds from a rabbit.

43. Orange Slices-sugar coated orange candies made to seem like orange slices. Most trick or treaters aren’t that desperate for candy to eat them.

44. Jawbreakers-basically take an hour to eat and may break your teeth. Also have a weak sugary flavor. Yet, kids will still eat them as Top Tenz says, “Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.” Not a good candy for Halloween.

45. Razor Blades-now these are just bad and possibly illegal to hand out to kids. What a cruel trick indeed.

46. Tootsie Rolls-according to TopTenz, “Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.” Said to taste a year old.

47. Chocolate Coins-having chocolate coin in foil may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s something about foil wrapping this delicious food that tends to turn into a major disappointment. Not only is foil wrapped chocolate disgusting but for no obvious reason why. As Top Tenz reports, “Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.”

48. Ring Pops-of course, they may belong in the category “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Yet, the second you start eating one, it turns into a sticky, disgusting mess. Anything you touch afterwards becomes gooey and gross and the cheap plastic scratches your fingers. Also, boys are mocked at school for wearing them perhaps as cross dressers, and it’s said that girls who really get into candy jewelry end up in the world’s oldest profession.

49. Aero Chocolate-high concept candy never works out for anyone, especially kids.

50. Strawberry Peanut Butter M&Ms-oh, please don’t mess with a classic, especially if it contains anything fruit flavored. Disgusting.

51. Peanut Butter Taffy-taste nothing like peanut butter and offer a terrible Halloween experience for kids. Someone at Nooga.com writes, “Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these, and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter.”

52. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms-let’s see, basically these are jammed pack with artificial ingredients and deprived of nutritious content. Also, these probably taste as bad as you would expect. Oh, why Mars Corporation? Regular M&Ms would do just fine.

53. Marshmallow Peeps-these are for Easter so either use them for your peep dioramas or don’t buy them at all for Halloween.

54. Jelly Beans-unless, they’re from Bertie Botts, these aren’t appropriate for the Halloween season. And even then, the kids may not want to eat them.

55. Horehound-basically it’s a medicinal herb disguised as candy and mostly reserved for senior citizens with diabetes. Kids are better off getting cough drops. Also, it has a name of what you’d call a female dog that was humped by all the male dogs in the neighborhood.

56. Carrots-they’re food you eat for meals like lunch and dinner as well as an occasional healthy snack or at a party. Halloween isn’t the time for healthy alternatives.

57. Diet Candy Bars-oh, please, these are for self-conscious adults who want to lose weight but not for kids who just want candy and don’t care about their weight and health, yet.

58. Religious Pamplets- look, unless it’s from the kid’s religious class (or parochial school and/or local religious establishment like a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, coven, shrine, or cult commune), their presence isn’t welcomed in any private residence and are guaranteed to offend possibly non-religious parents (or parents belonging to a different religious tradition). I hear Chick Tracts are fairly famous ones which would be seen as offensive to almost every group of people out there other than perhaps conservative Fundamentalist Christians in the American South. Seriously, Halloween isn’t the time to proselytize the good news, especially to children. Still, these are worse than toothbrushes.

59. Hershey’s Candy Corn Crème Bars- yes, they exist and they resemble a yellow and orange bar of soap. It’s pretty disgusting.

60. Candy Canes-now why give out a candy on Halloween you use to decorate your Christmas Tree? Besides, it’s too early.

61. McDonald’s/Burger King Gift Certificates-yes, we’ve all got them and most of the time our parents tried using them after they were expired. You’re better off getting gift certificates from your local pizza place.

62. Thrills Soap Gum-from iVillage.ca, “Where did this stuff go when Halloween was over? Purple and soap-flavored, it was ALWAYS the last thing in your bag. But then one day in late November, you’d rifle through your old stash with a massive sugar craving, and that’s all that would be left. And you’d think…aw, heck, might as well chew it…..”

63. Pumpkin Peeps-for those who couldn’t resist the inedible marshmallow Easter icons, here’s the perfect Halloween treat for you. These are only for the peep diorama types, not for kids.

64. Ribbon Candy-from Mommyish, “This makes my skin crawl, as it brings back memories of the sharp ends of it slicing through my tongue. This stuff is actually a weapon. Maybe you should keep some in your purse.”

65. Business Swag-using Halloween as a way to promote your business platform. Explain to me how that’s going to make a kid happy. It isn’t.

66. Loose Peanuts-well, they may seem like healthy alternative, but are more suited for football games and aren’t likely to be enjoyed when not in a can. This is especially true if these legumes are found in their shells.

67. Sweet Tarts Squeeze-what the hell is this candy? Also, really gross for a night devoted to eating tons of sugar.

68. Old and Decrepit Toys-from Babble, “There are two families in my neighborhood (who perhaps know each other and copied the other’s trick-or-treat style) that collect old and dirty toys and tell innocent children to stick a hand inside a bag and pull out a rusted car or doll with a broken head while explaining to the parents that they are good toys but since they have no room for them, they hand out for Halloween.”

69. Mystery Candy-face it, kids won’t eat any candy they can’t identify or recognize.

70. Baby Ruth Bars-just have too many peanuts and not enough chocolate.

71. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars-from Chicago Now, “Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?”

72. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses-let’s face it, while the pumpkin spice latte may be popular, this doesn’t mean you put pumpkin spice in everything. According to a writer from Chicago Now, “I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.”

73. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies- according to a writer from Chicago Now, “In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea?”

74. Political Ads-second to unwelcome stuff you can put in a kid’s trick or treat bag are these, especially if you’re a political candidate. Save the ads for Election Day if you want to give them out.

75. Anything Tampered-now receiving a treat that may have some tampering on it, well, if you give anything containing razor blades or poison, then you can expect a lawsuit from the parents or jail. You’d be surprised how often this happens and sometimes it makes the news. So don’t be that guy. Also, goes the same for candy laced with illegal drugs or any substance that’s illegal for people under 21.

76. Pop-now giving out candy is one thing, but giving out carbonated beverages, well, they’re even less healthy than the standard Halloween fare. And I have received this on Halloween.

77. Eggs-let’s see, they aren’t candy and can easily break. Best served to be thrown by teenagers.

78. Rocks-no child wants a Halloween trick or treat bag like Charlie Brown’s and even he’s miserable getting them.

79. Poop-this one speaks for itself whether it be from you or your dog. Now that’s just worse than rocks.

80. Nothing-from 2Shopper, “At least when you have bad Halloween candy, you’ve still earned some reward. When you receive nothing for painting your face and looking ridiculous out in public, you might as well join the kid who got a rock for Halloween.” Yes, giving nothing might lead to these same crying little kids throw rocks at your house later. I mean c’mon, it would be nicer if you gave out stuff like crunchy frogs, ram’s bladder cups, cockroach clusters, or spring surprise.

The Wonderful World of Halloween Pumpkin Carving

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 9, 2014

Carving pumpkins has always been a Halloween traditions since the legend of the Jack-o’-lantern. People tend to open a pumpkin, empty out all the seeds and entrails, carve a face, and put a light in it to for the outside. Of course, there are people who engage themselves in this Halloween tradition and some who don’t. Still, many people do carve some amazing pumpkins for this Halloween season. I can go on with how amazing some of these carvings are but you probably don’t want to hear that. Instead I’ll do a post on pumpkin carvings that are either not family friendly and/or doomed to offend your neighbors or drive trick or treaters away. Nevertheless, Halloween is one of those holidays where you could get away with being tacky or creepy so this was a hard post and some images may be not safe for work. Viewer discretion is advised. So without further adieu and your viewing pleasure, here’s an assortment of Halloween pumpkins you don’t want to see on your block.

1. Guess, pumpkins need a way to cope when nature calls.

I’m sure a display saying “2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup” won’t go well with guests. Also, it’s pretty disgusting on what’s implied to be in the cup. This just takes bathroom humor a little too far.

2. Now this jack-o’-lantern seems to be too jackshit crazy over burning his own kind.

Okay, that’s a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

3. Now I’m sure the kiddies will appreciate this reenactment of the Death Star blowing up Alderaan.

Now this isn’t a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn’t where kids could walk through.

4. Pumpkin in a plastic bag, what can go wrong here?

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o’-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it’s pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

5. Looks like someone is taking pleasure in his meal.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won’t go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

6. Behold, the jack-o’-centipede.

For those who’ve seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I’m sure you’d probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

7. Of course, some pumpkins still need to do the time.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can’t even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

8. I’m sure Jack must’ve done something terribly wrong to get the chair.

Seriously, the death penalty isn’t really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. Now here’s a good idea on what to do when you have an old aquarium you haven’t used since your pet turtle died.

However, just don’t create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn’t something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

10. Behold, a Halloween pumpkin tribute to the Alien movies.

Actually, I’m 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display. Guaranteed to traumatize the kiddies for sure.

11. Congratulations, it’s quintuplets. and a bunch of red pumpkins.

Let’s just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature’s bounty in a cornucopia don’t go together. Nice to make those gourds look like boobs though.

12. I didn’t say “Let’s play doctor.” I said, “Let’s play Medieval doctor.”

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters. Besides, that pumpkin with a saw needs to be put to jail.

13. Oh, no, it’s the claw.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don’t think the big pumpkin’s intentions are good.

14. Hmmm…pumpkin brain surgery, now I’ve seen everything.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

15. Use your pumpkin to store your beer for this year’s Oktoberfest by attaching a tap on it.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don’t attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

16. Oh, look a man and a oh, my God!

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won’t attract trick or treaters. WTF is right. Not cool.

17. Oh, look a princess pumpkin carving. Wait a minute, this is a reenactment of Carrie!

Now perhaps we shouldn’t carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it’s not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

18, Looks like this pumpkin seems to take advice from the Tim Taylor School of Technology.

I don’t think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick with the shark.

19. Now this pumpkin macdaddy sure is stylin’ with his foil grill and sunglasses.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

20. Now this will be a perfect pumpkin for my sex dungeon.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

21. Oh, no, the jack-o’-lantern just blew his brains out!

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all, especially suicide.

22. Looks like this pumpkin baby needs a diaper change.

I’m sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn’t be used in decoration.

23. Now here’s a flasher pumpkin with a gourd genitalia.

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

24. Okay, keep your hands off your pumpkin butt.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

25. Now there’s nothing like a hanging in a cemetery scene.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

26. Now here’s a pumpkin design taken straight from a truck’s sleazy mudflaps.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, “Hi, I’m a single man and I’m a male chauvinist pig.” I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it’s pretty much the stereotype.

27. Now here’s a pumpkin of how babies are made.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I’m sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

28. Of course, there will certainly be a full moon tonight.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, the crack-ho’-lantern.

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn’t exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped. Seriously, why?

30. Now here’s a pumpkin on how babies are made.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor’s office than anything else.

31. Nothing indicates a stoner residence like a carved pumpkin of a marijuana leaf.

Now I’m sure police wouldn’t want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and the state of Washington. Still, Willie Nelson would be proud.

32. Great, now these pumpkins are devouring people!

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

33. Well, maybe the pumpkin ate your baby.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that’s just too disturbing to put in one’s yard.

34. Behold, the Hannibal-Lect-o’-lantern.

Now I’m sure using Silence of the Lambs isn’t an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, “I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans.” Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

35. The Jack-o’-Lantern goes to the doctors.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don’t take any children. Also, I’m not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

36. Use your pumpkin to store your nice cold beer for football season.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

37. Oh, no, some pumpkin is wearing a thong!

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

38. Yikes! someone has pulled a grenade!

Now I’m sure a pumpkin grenade isn’t dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I’m sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

39. Pedobear says there’s free candy.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles as well as child sexualization like kiddie pageants and not as a mascot for pedophilia. However, this doesn't stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they're with their parents.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles and not as a mascot for pedophilia. Whenever, he’s on a picture it means, “you’re being creepy about a kid” and has been used to track down real pedophiles by authorities and Chris Hansen. However, this doesn’t stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they’re with their parents.

40. Come to this house and see nude girls now.

Now this gives “trick or treat” an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence. No one in their right mind would want this on their doorstep. Seriously, why?

41. Here the pumpkin chef reads a recipe while relieving himself.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I’m going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

42. For those in the family way, why not break the news with a pumpkin display like this?

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let’s just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

43. For those welcoming their bundle of joy on this Halloween, here’s a little pumpkin to commemorate the occasion.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it’s hard to believe unless you’ve seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

44. When you get Ablolut Vodka, you get absolutely buzzed.

Can’t believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it’s bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

45. Never put a jack-o’-lantern in your yard for you’d never know when they’ll attack.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let’s just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

46. And now, kids, this is how pumpkin pie is made.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they’ll think it’s pumpkin shit.

47. Sometimes pumpkins need to pay for college somehow.

A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I’ve seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, “Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?” I don’t think they want to answer that.

48. Guess this pumpkin couldn’t stand this cruel world any longer.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

49. Have the time of your reich, I mean life with this pumpkin tribute of Dirty Dancing.

What it’s supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

50. Looks like this pumpkin had a bit too much to drink.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it’s not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 1, 2014

While there are certain cards that you can send to your loved ones on the holidays, you can look at postcards all year round. Despite that my last vintage postcard post wasn’t as popular as the ones on vintage Christmas cards or valentines, many of these are quite unforgettable in their own right. But if you’ve enjoyed them, there’s still plenty more of them to see that you wouldn’t have written on to send to your mother. Still, you wouldn’t believe the kinds of bad vintage postcards there are out there. So if you’re tired of seeing those tacky postcards from my previous post, then I have a treat for you. So without further adieu, here are some more tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure.

1. So after God created practically everything known in the natural world, he created Texas. Good God.

Of course, everything is bigger in Texas, even egos and religiosity. Seriously, if Texans knew that the Last Supper took place where they live, they would’ve undoubtedly boast about it like there’s no tomorrow.

2. Sorry, I can’t understand German so I’m not sure why the guy has a torture device around his neck in the shape of a horse.

Still, you have to respect the creativity in how people in the Middle Ages used to torture people. Yet, that guy will certainly be in a lot of pain after he goes through it and if he survives.

3. Greetings from the Little Traverse Hospital and Burns Clinic!

Or the place where Bobby was sent after being caught in that house fire that looks like where you went to high school. Seriously, this resembles a AAAA high school where all the preppie kids went to.

4. For Valentine’s Day, why don’t you send your sweetheart one of a couple on love’s wings.

Of course, this is the perfect valentine to send to your girlfriend if she greatly enjoys the Terry Gilliam animations from Monty Python. Also, is that a feather winged polar bear?

5. Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving, except for the turkey that I’m going to shoot at.

Yeah, because nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than a turkey’s inevitable demise to the receiving end of a Pilgrim’s blunderbuss.

6. Christmas Geetings from Chicken’s Rock, Lighthouse, and Sound. J. O. M.

You'd think a place named Chicken may have more interesting scenery but this doesn't seem to. Also, seems kind of dreary and desolate that no one seems to have a Merry Christmas down there.

Apparently the people of Chicken’s Rock don’t seem to be having a Merry Christmas this year as seen by the landscape of despair and desolation that would make someone with Seasonal Affective Disorder want to jump off and drown themselves.

7. This is either a cute little postcard or a scene of workplace miscreants.

Then again, I'm not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it's doing there. Seriously, why the hell is it there?

Then again, I’m not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it’s doing there. Oh, that’s her leg isn’t it? Still, it’s kind of sexually suggestive if you know what I mean.

8. A man’s love is like a firecracker sometimes it pops and sometimes it only fizzles.

Note the phallic imagery with a firecracker and I’m not sure if this postcard is referring to a man’s love as it is about a man’s sexuality. Still, if a man’s “love” fizzles we may have Viagra for that but men, you might want to consult your doctor first.

9. Of course, there are postcards for everything, even celebrating the birth of Nazi babies.

On the back it says, “May your new bundle of joy become a faithful servant of the master race. Heil Hitler!” Of course, what do you expect from a postcard with a Nazi swastika that now denotes anti-Semitism and white supremacy?

10. So, fellas, if the other team’s punter is a woman, just go right up to kiss her.

Of course, if Charlie Brown did this with Lucy more often, then maybe she would’ve let him kick the football. Then again, she’s into Schroeder so that might be sexual harassment at that point.

11. See if you have the perfect woman, according to the language of the Car Talk guys or your local mechanic.

Then again, maybe comparing women to cars isn’t a good idea. Also, many guys would say the same about their actual cars. Still, this postcard is pretty sexist especially with the boxes containing “twin exhausts” and “power steering.”

12. Hey, I didn’t know they had ball deodorant in those days. Didn’t know men need them.

Oh, I meant the kind of deodorant where it’s applied with a ball. Still, anyone who’s old enough knows the joke on this one is. Sorry, boys, but your grandfather joked about balls as well.

13. Vacations make strange seat fellows in some circumstances.

Wonder what their history is and why is she on the guy’s lap if she’s not his wife? Then again, the guy may be lying about not knowing her.

14. Greetings from Coney Island, where you can get red hot frankfurters, sauerkraut, and dog shit on the waiter?

Man, did it suck to be a black guy in those days. Even the dog waiter is being treated better than he is. Also, I hope it’s ground meat and not something I think it is.

15. Greetings from the Damm family from their family camper for they’re having a wonderful time.

Still, I wonder what happened to their son Amster Damm. Nobody seems to hear about him despite the song. Also, I’m sure May B. is becoming kind of a flapper.

16. I have a bad feeling about a sheep between the man’s legs.

Let’s just hope it’s just some idiot who wants to ride one. Seriously, I have a bad feeling about this postcard, which suggests something depraved.

17. Of course, when dogs gotta go, they gotta go.

Still, if these dogs need to pee, then why the hell are they waiting to use the tree. I mean when a dog has to relieve itself outside, it just does it, no ifs, ands, or buts. Besides, they also use fire hydrants.

18. Amish people sure do love Intercourse, PA, which was named after an old tavern stand.

Of course, I’m sure the town of Intercourse sells a lot of merchandise. Yet, I’m positive it’s not because people like their Amish country. May have more to do with the fact the town has an unintentionally dirty name. Yes, there’s a real town called Intercourse, look it up.

19. Performance Art: Creating the stuff of nightmares since your grandparents’ generation.

I’m sure any adolescent boy who views this is just going to be terrified out of his mind, instead of titillated. Then again, he may be both.

20. Of course, you’re never too young to start smoking.

Still, what people may find cute one generation, others may find disturbing during the next. This boy is sure going to have his whole life ahead of him with his lungs full of tar.

21. Hey, I didn’t know James Cagney played Thomas Jefferson. Oh, wait, he didn’t.

Still, this reminds me more of a 18th century Jimmy Cagney about to sing “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” than the sage at Monticello. Nevertheless, this is a terrible wax representation of an American Founding Father.

22. Never have I seen a bunch of ladies this bored at a whiskey festival.

"Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, you may get lucky tonight. Then again, you might end up on a list of sex offenders."

“Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, this could be your lucky night. When a guy is loaded, he thinks any girl is attractive. Trust me, that’s how I met my husband in Vegas.”

23. Just another day at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy hunting lodge.

I’m sure it wouldn’t be that fun to pose with these bears if they weren’t shot and mounted as hunting trophies first. Still, I’m sure you couldn’t get away with these photo ops nowadays or PETA would be all over your ass.

24. At least being a member of Starfleet has its perks such as having the crew go on shore leave at lovely snow planet ski resort and spa.

Still, knowing that these skiers are wearing red shirts, I have a good feeling that neither of these ladies will ever see them again. We all know what happens to redshirts during these planet scenes. Also, why are those women wearing swimsuits indoors?

25. Now before you go on your hunting trip in the Alps, here are some German words you need to know.

I’m sure that clock is just an antique that only Dick Cheney could love. Still, the “Schnitzelbank” reminds me of an Animaniacs sketch for some reason.

26. See the bikini beauties from Hampton, Iowa?

Let’s just say that if you live in a town that’s desperate for tourists, putting a beautiful bikini clad model on the local postcard will sure solve everything. Yeah, right.

27. Flatten your tummy by as much as 4 inches instantly with a Compresso belt for just $3.98. Over 1 million satisfied customers.

Or as we know these undergarments, “spanx.” I’m sure we didn’t call them by that name in those days but spanx have been around for so many generations. And your grandma wore them a lot more often than you’ll ever have.

28. No cowboy could ever round up them little doagies without his trusty giant Jackalope.

The back of this postcard says, “This rare species of Jackalope used in cattle roundups are very dependable and easily trained. A breed of Antelope and Jackrabbit. their cries often sound human and tuneful, probably form hearing cowboy songs at roundup time.” I’m sure this is totally not bullshit (it is since rabbits can’t be that huge).

29. Aww, see Jesus with those dear little children come unto him.

With wax children this creepy, I can see why Jesus’ apostles were rather concerned about them. Still, those kiddies don’t seem completely innocent to me. I just wish Jesus could just get the hell out of there before those tykes try to murder him.

30. Here is Miss Perma-Vend awing at this handy plastic sealing doohicky. I don’t know what the hell this is.

Oh, it’s a laminator for certain items you don’t want to get wet. Still, Miss Perma-Vend seems to really be excited about this for some unknown reason.

31. Go to the Bible museum and see Salome’s dance of the seven veils.

And I thought these Christian museum places were supposed to be family friendly venues. Still, I’m sure Salome’s dance didn’t go quite like this, as far as the Gospel writers had in mind.

32. Please don’t pick the flowers off this woman.

Yet, by the look at her face, she sort of wants you to, if you know what I mean. Either that, or the flower stems in her nipples must be very painful.

33. The visible woman bares all for everyone to see.

For God’s sake that’s going to far and she really needs to cover up. Maybe she should just change into skin. Then again, this image was probably made for scientific purposes.

34. See, kiddies, cotton picking is fun. Really, look at how happy this little tyke is picking cotton.

Of course, we have to understand that cotton picking is not fun and it can result in a lot of cuts and scrapes if you do it long enough. Otherwise, Southerners wouldn’t have made slaves do it (and we fought a whole war over slavery). Not only that, but cotton is now picked by machinery.

35. The three bares say hello from the beach.

I know this is just a drawing for laughs but seriously? I don’t think a postcard with young girls’ bare butts is in any way appropriate. Still, they’ll soon have their tushies wracked with sunburns and splinters before long.

36. See the deranged sea horse fountain at the Dadeland Mall in Florida.

I’m sure this horse seems harmless. Yeah, it appears inflicted with some kind of Mad Horse disease from the Gulf of Mexico. Still, why have that at a mall fountain, I have no idea.

37. For young people, ping pong has always been a wholesome and leisurely activity, even to watch.

I'm sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. I mean we've all been to college.

I’m sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. Let’s just say that it would basically lighten the mood in this joint.

38. On this edition of Stupid Pet Tricks we have two poodles named Twinkle Star and Super Star performing a rendition of their own, “That’s Why the Lady Is a Tramp.”

Perhaps this is the postcard that inspired David Letterman to do his Stupid Pet Tricks segment on late night TV. Still, Super Star may be “a celebrity that blows his own trumpet.”

39. Ladies and gentlemen, may introduce Paul Bunyan: Lumberjack and axe murderer.

I’m sure Paul Bunyan is determined to take his suppressed rage to the world since his dad hated it when he put on women’s clothing and hanged around in bars.

40. Out of all the Christian postcards I’ve seen, at least this one makes a valid point about the nuclear arms race.

Nevertheless, while the prayer may be rather thought provoking, this postcard is hard to take seriously with a tacky Jesus statue and a guy who resembles Bill Murray dressed as Colonel Sanders.

41. Of course, this bikini beauty seems to use flowers to cover her boobs.

Once again, having those flowers on can’t be good for the nipples. Then again, maybe they’re taped. Still, I can’t believe they could get away with this in those days.

42. Sorry, I’m afraid Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Charming couldn’t come to save her from a long slumber so he sent his younger brother Ed to do the honor.

While Prince Ed wasn't a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in an abnormally tall head.

While Prince Ed wasn’t a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in a freakishly tall head.

43. This chimp seems to be having more fun than a barrel of people.

Then again, whenever I’ve seen people in barrels on TV it’s more or less to say that they’ve been robbed of everything including the shirt on their backs. That, and possibly murdered. Still, chimps must use big barrels or something.

44. Come to our South of the Border restaurant and see our statue depicting negative Mexican stereotypes.

I’m sure actual Mexicans visiting this restaurant would be sincerely offended if the joint is owned by a white guy and the food available is about as Mexican as the stuff at Taco Bell.

45. Hey, I didn’t know they had Hairspray back in the day.

Oh, I forgot, Hairspray is musical made not to long ago adapted from 1980s movie. Still, I’m sure nobody would want to send their parents a postcard depicting something like this.

46. Florida is a great place to have a picnic, underwater.

Here is one lady feeding some scraps to the fishies. Fishies seem to like lettuce. Still, the food must be very soggy to eat in that tank but at least she has a device to breathe through. Yet, I don’t know how she keeps her hair nice like that.

47. See flipper jump through a burning ring of fire.

I’m sure PETA is going to be very upset at me for posting this. Still, even if it exhibits animal cruelty, it looks pretty awesome.

48. Now here’s a black bear scavenging for food in its natural habitat, kids, so don’t feed it.

I bet any money that the bear is either going for whatever’s in the trash can or to the kids watching it. Then again, there’s the person taking the picture.

49. Here is a wax reenactment of Leif Ericson landing in North America.

Actually that Viking display looks more Minnesota Vikings or Wagner opera than actual Vikings. I mean the Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets since that would be stupid. Still, at least they got Leif’s hair color right for his dad was Eric the Red.

50. You know who loves Lawrence Welk? Bitches love Lawrence Welk.

I’m sure your parents all liked watching the Lawrence Welk Show than they were kids. Then again, they probably thought watching that show was more painful than having to go through a root canal.

51. Now here is a statue of Adolph the dolphin.

Actually when I hear the name “Adolph,” I don’t think of an adorable dolphin. Rather I think of a German dictator who killed a bunch of people in concentration camps and started a major world war. Also, the dolphin kind of looks pretty mean.

52. While you see Florida beaches as a vacation spot, alligators see them as an all you can eat buffet.

Wait a minute, alligators don’t live in saltwater environments. They live in freshwater swamps like the Everglades. Then again, only in Florida.

53. Please pray for the Nelsons in Ghana.

And dear Lord, please give them the strength and courage to overcome their ghastly fashion sense. I mean it’s nice for them to go with traditional dress but a brown and yellow color scheme? Dear God!

54. Dig those Los Angeles Freeways.

Because of Los Angeles reputation for congested traffic, you’ll be on them for a very long time. Seriously, you don’t want to be stuck in an LA traffic jam.

55. Sorry not to see you in Sunday school so come next time, or we’ll murder you.

I know this is supposed to be a more uplifting and welcoming message on this postcard. Yet, seeing these creepily drawn kids, urging you to go to Sunday school seems more of a threat.

56. Greetings, from that sleazy motel where your father’s staying after he left your mother for his cheap ass secretary Karen.

I know this is more of a bungalow vacation spot for travelers. Yet, the hot pink walls and that neon sign give it the kind of “no-tell, motel” vibe that makes it seem like a place for hookers or adultery.

57. Now introducing the Martha Stewart rotary dial telephones available in eight different colors.

Of course, you know that this postcard is vintage when you see rotary dial telephones in them. Still, this woman seems so happy that she wants them all despite none of them matching her dress.

58. Men, make sure to wear a Botany 500 suit for your next one night stand.

I’m sure “come on strong” and “go all the way” don’t seem to be taken out of context especially since he’s seems to be with a woman in a residential setting. And they seem to be making eye contact as if they’re about to do it. And they say hookup culture only took place in my generation. Hell, this has to be from the 1970s at the earliest.

59. The Invisible Woman goes back home to her family in Texas.

I’m sure the Invisible woman isn’t showing herself wearing her new cowboy shirt in this due to her embarrassment to be photographed with her old man in what almost resembles blue pajamas.

60. Watermelon always taste great underwater.

Of course, when she’s on dry land, it’s going to be a pain in the ass to get all the seeds out of her hair. Still, she seems to be greatly enjoying herself.

61. Who knew that you can go hang gliding and water skiing at the same time?

Remember kids, this man may make gliding through space on a giant kite while on water skis seem awesome but you should never try this at home ever. Still, at least he’s not wearing a speedo.

62. Now this dog seems to be all dressed up and ready to go.

I’m sure this dog is now shirking in embarrassment for having to pose for this postcard in this idiotic outfit. I mean, people won’t even dress their kids up this way, let alone a dog. Also, dogs have fur so they don’t need clothes.

63. Greetings, from the City of Rocks.

The Lord Almighty sure does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? Still, I wonder if anyone noticed what that rock formation looks like before taking the photo for a postcard. Then again, this card sure won’t make your visit unforgettable.

64. All a girl needs is her enormous beach ball and her trampoline.

I’m sure her trampoline must be enormous to have her jump that high into the sky. Then again, it’s probably photoshop.

65. Looks like this guy has a knack for shooting mink and foxes for fur coats.

PETA is going to be so angry with me after I do this post. Still, I hope those are mink and not foxes because white mink are domesticated.

66. “Hey, kids, looks like we need to eat and we’re out of gas, which way should we go?”

Still, I’m sure there are plenty of rest stops that service both food and fuel. And even in plazas where there’s a restaurant, a gas station is not far behind.

67. Come spend a week in paradise at the North Pole Motel.

I’m sure you’re not going to see Santa in these parts. Of course, he may go there for vacation in January after delivering presents to all those kids during the holidays.

68. Aww, look at that cute chimp in the, why wait a second? I don’t think the Indians will be too thrilled about this little ape mocking their traditions.

Let’s just hope this little ape isn’t a mascot for some college sports team with an Indian mascot. Still, at least it’s not in African dress, which would’ve been more offensive.

69. Well, when I don’t put in a blog post for a few days, I kind of feel the same way.

Of course, I’m sure this perhaps one of the few postcards I’ve shown in which the bare butt display is intentional. Still, that baby doesn’t seem up to no good.

70. If you’re the parish priest, why don’t you celebrate Mass with style wearing these top of the line vestments in the latest fashions?

I’m sure we really need a postcard for this? Seriously, ads for priestly vestments? The monks at Saint Vincent College would sure get a kick out of this.

Halloween Decorating Do’s and Don’ts

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 26, 2014

Of course, autumn is in the air and Halloween will soon be upon us before we know it. A lot of people relish in Halloween who tend to get all up in the festivities. I mean many of them dress in costumes as well as decorate their homes in the Halloween spirit. Yet, for those who plan to decorate for All Hallows Eve, you might want to be mindful of your neighbors if you want to be decked out around your house. I mean though you can go for scary, your decorations must be inoffensive and kid friendly because you never know what kind of trick or treaters you may get. If not, then you’ll probably find your Halloween decorations on the news stirring controversy which you don’t want. Nevertheless, for those who want to be creative, here is a nice little how-to on what and what not to do.

Do: A Halloween display of your favorite franchise.

Sure neighbors may think you had too much time on your hands while doing a Star Wars scarecrow display but at least some people would like it.

Don’t: Do a lawn display that could lead the neighbors to dial 911.

It’s said that the neighbors actually called 911 for this all too realistic decor of people getting run over. Don’t do this.

Do: Have decorations that were inspired by clever puns.

While this display may make neighbors question your parenting skills, I’m sure it’s nevertheless in the spirit and funny.

Don’t: Have Hallwoeen displays that include execution methods no matter how cool or scary the idea may seem.

Because you never know where your neighbors and guests may stand on the death penalty. Seriously, don’t do this.

Do: Displays with skeletons enjoying the pleasures of life.

Just a nice quiet afternoon open air picnic with Mr. and Mrs. Bones. I’m sure the neighbors won’t complain though they’d wonder where you got the skeletons from.

Don’t: Use hangings for your Halloween display unless they’re naked skeletons and not with rope by the neck.

Because an image like this can cause a lot of unpleasant feelings for people who may be anti-death penalty, know people who’ve tried killing themselves this way, actually have attempted suicide this way, or are African American. If they are the last part, then be warned that such displays may remind them of that old kind of racist hate crime used on them during the Jim Crow era. So don’t do this.

Do: Be eco-friendly and use any leftover supplies you may have.

Using old chicken wire to create ghostly dresses isn’t just creative, it’s also good for the environment as well. Besides, you can use these decorations again and again.

Don’t: Use your daughter’s baby dolls for your Halloween display or mutilated doll exhibit.

This just goes too far as scary goes. Besides, this might traumatize many trick or treaters, especially young girls. This is just plain sick if you know what I mean.

Do: Go with a ghost coven in your yard.

Now this isn’t just spooky but also rather eco-friendly, simple, and clever.

Don’t: Incorporate politics in your Halloween lawn display.

I know that Halloween isn’t too far from Election day. As a Catholic I’m perfectly fine with Halloween religious displays since well, there’s a lot of creepy religious stuff. But it’s only as good if the religion your mocking is your own, Christianity, cults, Neo-Paganism, Wicca, or Satanism. Yet, as a Democrat, for the love of God, don’t incorporate politics in your Halloween displays because you never know who you may offend in your neighborhood.

Do: Go with shadows.

May not be that scary up close but they’re sure clever, simple, and rather effective.

Don’t: Go for horrific circus displays that may traumatize children.

Now there is such a thing as being too scary. This horrific display may traumatize little kids and not want to make them see a circus in their lives.

Do: Mock non-political celebrities like Justin Bieber and Hugh Hefner.

After all, a guy known for founding a slutty magazine and an annoying Canadian teenie bopper are perfectly acceptable targets.

Don’t: Use any Halloween displays that go beyond the PG rating in anything other than gore.

While blood and gore are all right in your Halloween decorations to an extent, doing a pumpkin display with exposed boobs and butts will make many parents complain. I mean you want kid friendliness in this department so don’t do this.

Do: Go with cobwebs, graveyards, and Hollywood style Satanic and cult rituals.

After all, using elements in Halloween displays that have anything to do with death or the occult are perfectly acceptable.

Don’t: Have Halloween displays that depict murder and graphic violence or the neighbors may get upset with you.

I say this especially since the murders of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown as well as the controversial “shoot first” laws in many states. Also, such violent displays are too graphic for the kiddies.

Do: Decorate your lawn by reenacting your favorite movie in a Halloween style.

Now a skeleton version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? now that I approve most admirably. Looks like Blanche has rat for din din tonight.

Don’t: Make your Halloween lawn display offensive, especially in a racial context.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being gunned by a scary black person in a hoodie. I mean that's just racist.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being being chained by a black person in a hoodie? Seriously, this is just blatantly racist. Don’t ever do this for the love of God.

Do: Use your old dresses to create an illuminated Halloween display the neighbors would never forget.

Now using lights, wires, and dresses to create an illusion that ghosts are wearing your clothes is very creative and impressive. Kudos to the person who thought up this.

Don’t: Go for mutilated corpses that may make the neighbors complain.

A British man was told to remove this decoration, which probably serves just as well. I mean this is too graphic and gross to display in the front lawn anyway.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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