Easter Candy No One Likes in Their Baskets or Eggs

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Like Halloween, Easter has a long tradition pertaining to candy. After all, it’s what most kids find in their Easter baskets or inside their eggs (assuming they’re the plastic ones that open). And there are plenty of candies associated with Easter alone. I always enjoyed Easter egg hunts as a child whether it was in the front yard during the morning before church or at my grandparents’ house. I also participated in at least one in college. For a long time, egg hunts were one of the big reasons I looked forward to Easter as a kid. However, once I reached a certain age, it was time for me to bow out, especially since I’m the oldest of 24 grandchildren. And my participation wouldn’t be fair as an adult in a childish activity. I do help hide Easter eggs in my grandparents’ back yard for Easter and maybe help some of my cousins find the eggs. But somehow it’s not the same. Not to mention, since I’ve outgrown my eligibility for the Easter egg hunt at my grandparents’, Easter has become considerably less enjoyable for me since I’m mostly stuck socializing with relatives. Nevertheless, I can talk of all the Easter candies I like such as the chocolate bunny. But you’d probably be bored out of your mind that I wouldn’t get many views. So instead I’ll focus on Easter candy that most people don’t like. So without further adieu, I have this list for you. This has nothing to do with nutritional value but mostly quality of taste or whether it’s appropriate.

  1. Pez- This candy is basically the poster child of products that aren’t as popular as their packaging. I mean the only reason why people buy Pez is because of the dispensers. But you’ll find nobody on earth who’d admit that these pocket size pills are tasty.

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2. Marshmallow Peeps – Don’t get me wrong, I do like peeps. Just not for eating. However, these are just inedible sugar coated marshmallows that are basically inedible. At least they’re great for decorating and making amusing dioramas out of for annual contests. And they should be better used that way. That or putting them in the microwave to watch them explode, but let’s be honest, the end result might not be good for your microwave. The Houston Press has a different view, “We’ll be honest. These things? Terrify us. Spun sugar masquerading as multi-neon-colored marshmallow doesn’t come close to existing in nature. Therefore, it shall not exist in us. We shall henceforth refer to them as Creeps.”

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3. Marshmallow Carrot- From Houston Press: “Oh, come on. Mock carrot candy even makes vegetarians want to barf. Who was the brains behind this idea? Perhaps it was an entrepreneurial parent’s way to bait-and-switch a finicky child into eating more veggies. Too bad they suck, and now the kid hates candy, carrots and Easter. What’s next — Broccoli fluff? Good grief.”

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4. Fluffy Cotton Tails- From Houston Press: “These things are basically the candy form of Jolt Cola: monstrously disgusting sugar bombs. An entire bag of cotton candy boiled down into bite-sized nuggets for you and yours. Avoid them as if your life depended on it.”

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5. Cadbury Crème Eggs- From Houston Press: “Remember the commercials in which the Easter Bunny gives birth to the Cadbury Crème Eggs? And then they open them up to reveal sugary, yolk-colored innards? Yeah. We still have nightmares, too. How these things have stayed on the market for so long is one of life’s greatest mysteries.”

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6. Jordan Almonds- From Houston Press: “Hey kids, who wants to break a tooth? Because that’s a distinct possibility when you bite into an accursed Jordan almond, a tasty-sounding treat that’s simply an almond coated in sugar. Too bad the sugar coating tastes more like chalk than anything found in a kitchen, and the almonds contained within are generally flavorless. The reason they’re considered an Easter candy even though they can be purchased year-round is that they’re pastel-colored. And that’s about it. I guess they’re sort of egg-shaped, too, but in reality, Jordan almonds have about as much to do with Easter as a pebble. (The pebble might taste better, though.)”

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7. Bunny Munny- I remember getting these as a kid. They’re basically chocolate coins with rice in them. But they don’t taste particularly great. Someone at the Houston Press commented, “This treat is particularly offensive to me because it masquerades as something delicious. Chocolate with a bit of crispy rice in it? What could possibly be bad about that? How about the fact that they unfortunately taste more like cardboard with a slight chocolate flavor than actual chocolate? They purport to be made with real chocolate, but if that’s true, why do they taste so unfortunate? And can we talk about how offensive that spelling of “munny” is to anyone older than 10? Don’t purposefully misspell candy names to be cute! No one thinks it’s cute! Sidenote: On the Candy Warehouse website, there is actually a disclaimer, ‘Sorry, these treats are not a valid form of U.S. currency.’ In case you were confused.”

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8. Bunny Basket Eggs/Easter Hunt Eggs – From Houston Press: “Brach’s is perhaps the worst offender on this list, bringing us three of the ten worst candies, direct from their testing and manufacturing plant in some faraway land where no one has taste buds. Bunny Basket Eggs are the least offensive of the three, featuring, essentially, fake gummy marshmallows surrounded by a coating of bad jelly bean. They stick in your teeth. They melt in your plastic eggs. They get awkward jelly bean coating color on your fingers. And what do you get for your trouble? Nastiness. Pretty much just a hunk of sugar that tastes like artificial fruit and giving up.” Marshmallows and gummy bears are a disgusting combination.

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9. Jelly Beans- I used to get these a lot on Easter, too. And to me they’re just kidney shaped colored candies that seem to have absolutely none to a horrible taste. It’s like they put some flavor and color to some waxy and rubbery concoction. Disgusting. The ones in my basket usually went to the garbage. Yes, I know there are plenty of people who love jelly beans. Yet, but to me that’s like saying that plenty people like John Wayne, Twilight, Fifty Shades, Fast & Furious, or reality shows. Just because something might be popular doesn’t mean it’s good.

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10. Chocolate Cross- Yes, I know we celebrate Easter to recognize Jesus’s resurrection after his crucifixion. But while I love chocolate on any holiday like Easter, there are just things that shouldn’t be in chocolate form. A cross should be one of these things because that’s what Jesus suffered and died on. Not to mention, crucifixion was an execution method in which ensured the victim would endure a long and agonizing death through bleeding and suffocation while being nailed to a large cross of wood. Jesus went through this and it wasn’t pleasant at all. Yes, I’m sure Christians are willing to buy foodstuffs like this for their kids’ Easter baskets, but is it really appropriate? And as a practicing Catholic and a chocolate lover, such cross would lead me struggling with temptation, followed by guilt after eating it (as well as relishing in its taste), if I ever received one. If you want to raise your kids as good Christian children, I suggest good Christian parents go with chocolate eggs and bunnies instead. Sure they’re secular symbols but they come with a very low risk of committing accidental sacrilege.

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11. Brach’s Chicks & Rabbits – From Houston Press: “These are the items I as a child most dreaded finding in Easter baskets or stuffed unceremoniously into plastic eggs at parties. What would I do if someone presented me with a bright-orange hunk of eraser disguised as candy? Would I feign delight and eat it anyway, then risk melodramatically gagging and spitting it out at the feet of my gracious host? Would I tuck it away to later slip to a poor, unwitting canine? Would I throw it nonchalantly into someone else’s basket. I honestly don’t remember what I did with the damn things, but I guarantee you I didn’t eat them. Fool me once…and all that jazz. The flavor is listed as “marshmallow,” which, if you believe the multitude of flavored-vodka products out there is, in fact, a genuine flavor. But these don’t taste anything like marshmallows. They’re essentially the same material as those off-putting orange Circus Peanuts candies–soft so long as they’ve never touched oxygen, but instantly hardening into toothbreaking plaster once exposed to the elements. Worse still, the candies only vaguely resemble the eponymous chicks and rabbits. They’re much more akin to totem poles or idols used for some bizarre, decidedly not Easter-y ritual. Consume at your own risk.”

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12. Easter Candy Corn – You got to be kidding me. They actually have this? These sugar wax candies aren’t even great on Halloween, let alone on any other holiday like Easter. Not to mention, they even look more disgusting in pastel colors.

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13. Nerds Bumpy Jelly Beans – All right, that just makes jelly beans more disgusting as by giving it grotesque growths. Also, kind of look like fruity brains.

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14. Wonka Hoppin’ Nerds Candy- From E!: “Nerds are definitely a solid candy choice, unless they are called “bumpy” (see above). But they don’t really scream “Easter.” They do scream “capable of cracking a filling,” but whatever.”

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15. Lindt Chocolate Carrots – From E!: “Fancy chocolate for when you want to feel better after eating 20 Butterfinger eggs (more on that later). But this candy is only special because of the wrapping, not because of the taste.”

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16. Whoppers Easter Mini Robin Eggs- Oh, I remember getting these from egg hunts. Lovely to look at and have hard shells that they don’t need wrappers. However, they tend to taste a bit crunchy and chalky. Also, can be mistaken for Cadbury Mini Eggs, so check wisely.

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17. Chocolate Covered Peeps- From Paste: “To say that chocolate-covered Peeps are not aesthetically pleasing would be a gross understatement—they look like something your insolent dog might leave as a surprise in your loafers for daring to challenge his authority. The chocolate coating is terrible. The artificial, gummy marshmallow inside isn’t much better. These Peeps went a long way toward turning Paste editor Josh Jackson against the idea of chocolate-coated marshmallows in general, which would be great, if there weren’t three or four more of the exact same style of candy on the table.” In other words, they’re saying that these aren’t much better from their disgusting sugar coated marshmallow counterpart and resemble dog turds. At least in chick form for the latter.

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18. Little Beauty Chocolate Bunny- From Paste: “The worst pure chocolate on the table, this thing was so bad that it made us scan the ingredients list, where “cocoa” is the fourth ingredient—after “sugar,” “vegetable oil” and “whey.” Because you definitely want more sugary whey in your chocolate than actual chocolate. So sugary that some of our teeth manifested spontaneous sympathy cavities in protest.”

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19. Frankford Marshmallow Chicks and Bunnies- From Paste: “A big multi-bag where all the marshmallows are stuck together into one mass you get to pry apart with your hands” is not the most promising origin for Easter candy, and indeed, this was one of the least pleasant things on the table. They’re simple, you can say that for them. It’s just a bag of simple, pastel-colored, really awful marshmallows. Make of that what you will.”

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20. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Eggs- Now while Reese’s might have a reputation for making their holiday shaped candies shaped like turds, at least they’re tasty. Yet, you wouldn’t want to eat one from the ground in a dog park. However, I’m not sure if white chocolate and peanut butter should even go together. And it’s said you can barely taste the chocolate to begin with.

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21. Sour Watermelon Peeps- I’ll let Paste explain these since I’ve never been near such candies. From Paste: “Oh no. Oh NO. What in the hell are these things? We thought we had seen weird and objectionable, and then along came the watermelon-flavored Peeps. We’re disturbed by the very idea of the concept’s genesis—who in their right mind looked at the marshmallow of a Peep and thought that pink, artificially watermelon-flavored sludge would be a great way to improve it? This person needs to be locked up. If he or she is walking among us, then society is not safe. The mere fact that Paste Music/TV editor Bonnie Stiernberg seemed to oddly enjoy these Peeps (in opposition to everyone else) is cause for suspicion and alarm.”

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22. Palmer Hollow Chocolate Flavored Bunny – Yes, it’s a very cute chocolate bunny on the outside. However, its taste is bound to disappoint you once the stuff is in your mouth as described akin to milk powder and peanut shells. Candy Blog called this, “the Easter equivalent to a lump of coal.”

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23. Twizzler Easter Grass Candy- It’s supposed to be green apple and unlike other Twizzlers, it’s presented as loose and tangled like grass or as if everyone touched it. But those at Time Out Chicago said it’s taste could range from pesto pasta, paste-a, or medicine.

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24. Bunny Poop- These are little balls chocolate covered cookie dough which would taste great that come from a wind up pooping rabbit. It’s inspired by the plastic wind up chicken that lays eggs. Nevertheless, it’s on here because of the cookie dough which is uncooked food which may taste great but it’s not something you should eat. And I mean because it’s teeming with E. Coli bacteria which has led to death. For instance consumption of uncooked pieces of the famous Nestle Toll House cookie dough sickened several dozen people and killed one woman in 2009. Now a candy’s nutritional value is one thing that I can let slide, but food safety is a whole another matter. And any product that contains raw cookie dough should be avoided. Seriously, for the love of God, don’t eat cookie dough raw.

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25. Hershey’s Easter Kissables- Think of Hershey’s kisses covered in pastel wax, which don’t melt into your mouth but greasily slide down your throat. Well, that was only in 2005 and 2006. In 2007, Hershey’s decided to swap cocoa butter, chocolate, and cane sugar with corn syrup as well as palm, shea, and sunflower oil. Also, these were topped with an ominous sounding “resinous glaze.” Such ingredient suggestion led the FDA declare Hershey’s Kissables as unqualifiable any longer as “milk chocolate.” They were yanked in 2009. Now if anyone finds package of these horrendous candies, they’re most often used as substitutes for game pieces.

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26. Carrot Cake M&Ms- From Carl Anthony Online: “There is no real chocolate in this chocolate, of course. Following the same course of poor choices with “white chocolate,” these Easter specialty version of the beloved M&M are unusually dry (like cake lacking moisture!), the only discernible flavor being a vague aftertaste of sour cream (does this suggest the “white chocolate” has spoiled?)” He suggests if they were sold for St. Patrick’s Day as Irish Crème, nobody would know the difference.

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27. Carrot Cotton Grape Candy – From Carl Anthony Online: “Made exclusively by Bunnyland Candy, there’s potential for a whole new world of Easter Candy possibilities by the innovative use of the ephemeral spun sugar sweet which is ubiquitous still at carnivals, fairs and circuses. Carrot Cotton Candy makes sense enough as the famously favored food of rabbits, Easter or otherwise. Stuffed into this cellophane bag shaped like a giant carrot, you’ll find sticky, fluffy cotton candy colored in an earthy tone of orange. Yet, oddly, its flavor bears no discernible similarity to the earthy vegetable. While perhaps that’s a blessing, it would seem logical enough that the pleasant taste of “orange” would be a good match. Inexplicably, however, its flavored grape.

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28. Hotlix Candy- For over 25 years, this company has made candies with real insects in them now coated in fruit flavoring. Yes, real deceased insects and I am not making this up. But they don’t exactly yell out “Happy Easter!” Nor are they something to put in a kid’s Easter basket. However, they might be a fine addition to a Halloween trick or treat bag though.

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29. Wasabi Candy- For those who don’t know, wasabi is the Japanese name for what we call horseradish, which we put on burgers. Nevertheless, this candy does exist, but it’s not something a kid would want for Easter. As Hello Giggles notes, “In general, yes – wasabi candy exists. And I can’t think of any holiday that it’s appropriate for, unless you want to inflict punishment on somebody. If you put these monsters in your child’s Easter basket this year, you’re just asking for a meltdown.”

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30. Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans- It’s from the Harry Potter collection. However, unlike regular jelly beans, these ones don’t pretend to be disgusting. And I mean they have every flavor. Sure some might be pleasant but they also have earthworm, earwax, vomit, and booger. Definitely not Easter basket material, unless those of diehard Harry Potter fans.

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31. Edible Easter Grass- Yes, it’s supposed to look like grass and taste like fruit. But it’s very strange. Sure you can use it for Easter baskets to put candy in it. But that’s like having candy on top of your candy.

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32. Ghost Pepper Candy- Since it was called the World’s Hottest Pepper in 2007, I suppose any ghost pepper candy is bound to burn in anyone’s mouth. Might be great for adults but kids would be crying after consumption.

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33. Chocolate Gold Jesus- From Hello Giggles: “The Chocolate GoldJesus is more of a work of art. This certificated, high quality, fairly traded, organic chocolate aims to donate profits to charitable organizations, which is fantastic. Also it’s Easter related. So what’s the issue? Well, I’d have a really hard time eating this. I’d almost feel bad. I’d think of numerous excuses to save my Chocolate GoldJesus for a special occasion, but no occasion would ever be good enough. And I don’t think I’m alone, since the company has since offered a bronze statue (non-edible!) that’s made in the same cast as its chocolate counterpart.”

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34. Zombie Bunny Lollipop- For the record, with the popularity of such shows as The Walking Dead, this one was more or less made for adults. I mean there’s too much blood. Also, it tastes like cotton candy.

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35. Russell Stover Eggs (Wedding Cake, Birthday Cake, Birthday Cake, and Cookie Dough or anything other than conventional flavors)- The cake flavored ones are said to taste like butter inside chocolate. But those at Time Out Chicago think they come with a weird aftertaste and are all gritty in an unpleasant way. Best stick with chocolate, marshmallow, peanut butter, caramel, brownie, and fudge, Russell Stover.

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36. Jolly Rancher Bunny Food Gummies- These gummies are shaped like veggies and are supposed to taste fruity. Taste has been likened to stuff like corn syrup, chemicals, and floor cleaner. Let’s just say rabbits wouldn’t want these.

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37. Strawberry Chocolate Bunny- Why the hell would anyone make something like this? Chocolate bunnies should only come in 3 flavors milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and vanilla for those allergic to chocolate. This is disgusting. As Carl Anthony Online notes: “In truth, the Strawberry Easter Bunny has all but disappeared, some reported sightings on back road grocer shelves made by shady confectioners. Luckily, among those colorful critters more readily ferreted out are made to order from precious candy makers using purer ingredients than in past decades – and astronomical prices.”

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38. Sour Bunny Jolly Rancher- From Paste: “Like a lot of sour candies, these twists on a jolly rancher are more interested in being sour than in delivering the original intent of the product (deliciously artificial fruit flavors). We can’t imagine any scenario where regular Jolly Ranchers wouldn’t be considered superior.”

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39. Jelly Bean Nougat- Okay, jelly beans and nougat, that’s pretty disgusting in my book. Dear Brach’s, I hate you.

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40. Black Jelly Beans- From Mommyish:” The packaging on a bag of all black jelly beans should really read: For the people who hate joy. There’s something so sad and disappointing about digging through all that plastic grass and coming up with a dry, black jelly bean.”

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41. Spiced Jelly Beans- From the Stranger: “For those of us who like a candy that tastes lightly poisoned, Easter season is a dream, thanks primarily to Brachs’ Spiced Jelly Bird Eggs, a disgustingly intoxicating melange of seven different flavors of jelly beans riding the yummy/gross divide. Some are so gross I have to throw them out, but others are so delicious I eventually buy another bag.”

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42. Mallow Pals Squeezable Marshmallow- Said by one blogger, “Everything about this candy makes me sad. It does not taste good, and it is the lowest common denominator of candy. It is goo in a tube that you squeeze into your sad, disaffected, post-modern mouth. This candy indicates we are living in a post-candy world. Candy is dead, long live candy.”

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43. Mystery Peeps- From Delish: “Much like Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans, you won’t know if these Peeps are fruity, savory, salty, or sour until you taste them! Whether that game is fun or terrifying, we’ll leave it up to you to decide.”

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44. Zombie Chocolate Bunny- Great to have during an Easter apocalypse for yourself. Not so great for a child’s Easter basket. Also, more suitable for Halloween. And is more of a mockolate flavor, too.

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45. Mary Sue Vanilla Butter Cream Eggs- From In Papa’s Basement: “In order for Cadbury Creme Eggs to exist, there had to be Mary Sue Butter Cream Eggs. Their filling is vile and extremely adhesive, rendering it impossible to gnaw off the chocolate coating without getting some of that venom in your mouth. Trying to eat their shell without ingesting any of the putrid cream contained within is the candy equivalent of a beautiful woman inviting you to bang her…so long as another dude rides shotgun anus. Things will start off okay. And then, at some point in the act, your scrot is going to brush against his. At that moment, as your innocence goes up in flames like Bill Compton on a Cabo San Lucas beach, you’ll realize you paid far too high a price for far too little reward.”

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46. Gum Drops- Said to be the fruitcake of Easter. Not sure why these candies exist since they’re not really that tasty. More like something to decorate gingerbread houses with around Christmas. Other than that, I can’t be sure what else.

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47. Bunny Teeth- These are gummy bunny teeth. Probably an attempt to rip off the gummy teeth concept of Halloween. It’s as morbid as it sounds.

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48. Religious Suckers- Sorry, but despite Easter being a significant holiday celebrating Jesus’s resurrection, it’s not the time to remind children that they were born in sin. That’s the job for clergy and Sunday school teachers who probably let them know beforehand. Besides, it’s not appropriate for Easter for He has risen on that day.

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49. Quax- From Gourmet Gift Baskets: “This yummy ducky (really, it says that on the package – as if that’s enticing) is a complete and total horror. It looks like Ernie’s bath time buddy, but it’s edible. (Well, maybe. It depends on how you consider okay to eat.) Boldly going where no others have gone before, this Easter treat has paved the way for milk-flavored candies everywhere. Now, I know what you’re thinking: what would a milk-flavored treat taste like? Like pure evil. So it’s no wonder that Quax remains the only candy of its kind.” Best used for scaring and traumatizing a small child or Ernie.

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50. Bunny Chew- Because nothing looks more fun for kids than food that resembles either bunny pellets or dog chow.

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51. Naughty Bunny Chocolate Bars- Let’s just these are adult candies and not suitable for children at any rate. Brought to you by Bloomsbury.

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52. Inspirational Jelly Beans- Yes, Easter is a religious holiday. But does that mean putting inspirational stuff on jelly beans appropriate for the occasion? That might be bordering on sacrilege.

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53. Walking with Jesus Fruit Snacks- Yes, walking with Jesus is an inspirational thing. But making fruit snacks out of his sandals? Not so much. Hey, look I know that Easter is a religious holiday and I know it has candy. But can you just give Jesus some respect and not put fruit snacks of his sandals in Easter baskets?

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54. Crucified Peep Candy Cross- Yes, that may look cute. But is it really appropriate for an Easter basket? Not sure if it borders on sacrilege and bound to cause offense. Inedible sugary marshmallow offense.

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55. Rabbit Change- Easter styled chocolate coins with carrots on the foil? No thanks. Chocolate coins are the work of the Devil.

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56. Russell Stover Coconut Nests- More or less resembles some jelly beans being lodged in dog turds. Also, combines two things I hate.

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57. Vegetables – Yes, you might want your kid to eat healthy. But this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ditch candy and fill your kid’s Easter basket with veggies. Easter candy is an Easter tradition for God’s sake. There may be a place for veggies in your kids’ life but the Easter basket is not one of them.

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58. Sour Patch Jelly Beans- Just when you think they couldn’t make jelly beans worse they had to make them sour. Also, sour candies are just terrible anyway.

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59. Raisins- Sure they may be healthier than chocolate. But that doesn’t mean you should put them in a kid’s Easter basket so they’d mistake them for chocolate chips. That would be cruel.

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60. Candy Canes- For one, they’re for Christmas. Second, put them in an Easter basket, and your kids will know that you’ve had these for months and probably have become entangled in some financial emergency.

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61. Camel Balls – Sure they may not be that bad, but you don’t want to give your kids a sour candy that has a camel’s testicles on the packaging. More like candy sold at Spencer’s Gifts at the mall.

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62. Dingle Bearies- These are chocolate covered gummy bears. It’s a slightly offensive name but pretty disgusting.

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63. Caramel Apple Peeps- From American Fun Fact of the Day: “To those of you not sold by our convincing argument of “ew, apple Peeps sound gross” let’s try this on for size—close your eyes (well, metaphorically—you kind of have to have your eyes open to read the rest of this) and imagine eating a Peep. Now imagine washing that down with a nice cool glass of apple juice. That gag reflex you just experienced is your body telling you that this is a horrible flavor for a Peep to have.”

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64. Candy Corn Peeps- All the great taste of Halloween sugary wax and sugary Easter marshmallow rolled into one.

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65. Blue Raspberry Peeps- From American Fun Fact of the Day: “As an artificial flavor, blue raspberry is an affront to nature. We feel like it’s silly to point out that blue raspberries aren’t an actual thing that exists in nature, and that this is just a catchall term for kind of sweet, kind of tart food flavoring that tastes distressingly “blue” and is primarily found in syrup poured over ice, except for the fact that we can guarantee that at least, like, 25% of Americans totally think that blue raspberries are a real fruit.  But even the mouthbreathers who believe that can take one look at blue raspberry Peeps and say, with complete certainty, that they would rather drown in a silo of sugar before eating these monstrosities.”

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66. Orange Delight Peeps- From American Fun Fact of the Day: “The fudge dipped Peeps are an abomination in their own right, but orange marshmallows dipped in orange fudge just seems like the worst combination of anything. Again, this is a simple matter of passing the “how do these ingredients, separated, seem like they would taste together.”  So sure, if you’re the kind of person that likes take bites out of an orange in between your Peeps, well, you’re a sociopath, but even you would have to draw the line at adding “orange flavored fudge” on top of all that.  We feel like we can’t say this enough—Peeps are not made to taste like fruit.  Stop trying to make them taste like fruit!”

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67. Lime Delight Peeps- From American Fun Fact of the Day: “And also, who wants to eat lime fudge? No one, that’s who.  Lime fudge sounds like something your friend who moved to Germany primarily for sex parties would be into, and when he asks you if you “like lime fudge” you’d just sort of pretend like you know what he’s talking about and be like, “You know, I tried it once, but I just don’t think it was for me” before your friend rolls his eyes and calls you a cis.”

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68. Peeps Milk- Oh, for God’s sake, Peeps, do you have to make a sugary marshmallow monstrosity such as this? For the love of humanity, this is just the most inedible milk ever. Available in marshmallow, chocolate, and eggnog.

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69. Carrot Cake Candy Corn- What the hell, another Easter variety? Seriously, nobody was asking for this. Hell, nobody was asking for candy corn for Halloween.

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70. Easter Ring Pops- If Ring Pops are terrible as a Halloween candy, then Easter styled ones wouldn’t be great at all for an Easter basket.

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Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

Halloween-candy

Trick or treating has always been a Halloween tradition in which children would change in their costumes as well as carry their buckets to say, “Trick or Treat” to people all over the neighborhood. Of course, with me you had to get the aid of a car and/or word of some nearby town was doing it since I lived in the country. I’ve trick or treated in towns like Smithton, West Newton, and Rostraver. Yet, I also did a bit of trick or treating in college since it was the only place where I didn’t need to drive and didn’t have older people think there’s something wrong with. I mean I had to stop trick or treating after I turned 12 or 13 where I lived. Still, I enjoyed this tradition and perhaps someday I’ll take my kids trick or treating as well. Maybe I won’t dress up as a Hogwarts schoolgirl like I did in college but I definitely would take my kids out to get candy from strangers as well as make their costumes like my mom did back in the day. Of course, no matter how much I love dressing up in costumes for candy as well as candy in general (particularly chocolate), there were certain treats I didn’t really care for. Yet, I would find these every year in my bag whether I wanted to eat them or not. Nevertheless, if there’s a trick or treating event in your neighborhood this Halloween season, then perhaps I could cue you in on some of the candies the local kids won’t like. So without further adieu, here are some of the candy that will make children hate you this Halloween season. Warning: may not all necessarily be candies, just stuff people have received trick or treating.

1. Flavored Tootsie Rolls-regular Tootsie Rolls are kind of gross if you really think about it. I mean they kind of look like dog turds. Yet, to have one that’s vanilla or orange cream flavor, ugh.

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2. Smarties-these are usually the last candies left in anyone’s Halloween haul. Basically all that’s in them is sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, food coloring, and possibly chalk dust. You’re better off eating a bowl full of sugar with a spoon. Basically, these are what people buy to give to kids if they don’t want to go over their minuscule candy budget. If Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by trick or treaters, he’d give them these.

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3. Good & Plenty-even for those who like black licorice, these are never a welcome sign. Sure there are plenty of them in their 1960s era package design, but many say they are as bitter the pill medicine they’re shaped as.

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4. Candy Corn-hey, I actually kind of like this candy and I kind of feel bad putting this imitation 1880s kernel on the list. However, many tend to say this Halloween icon tastes like the wax, corn syrup, and sugar it was made from. Isn’t called “the fruitcake of Halloween” for nothing.

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5. Dots-they may look chewy but having them in your mouth will give you as much sensation as piece of sugar coated half-hardened cement.

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6. Now and Later-well, I don’t really hate them but they do have a texture of stale taffy that you wonder was ever fresh to begin with. Not to mention, I’ve eaten a few and have been surprised that I didn’t break any of my teeth afterwards. Also, check if the person giving you them is a dentist because he or she may have a hidden agenda like spending Christmas vacation to the Bahamas.

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7. Strawberry Hard Candy-these just look like easily rewrapped candy in strawberry styled plastic wrap. Yet, people like them though I didn’t. And according to Complex, “The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center.”


8. Bubblegum-if it’s Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, either it’s the remains of a surplus made 20 years ago or made from an instantly stale formula. May seem to have a flavor at first but after a few seconds, becomes a tasteless, rubbery, mass that may ruin your teeth.

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9. Wax Bottles-if you were the kid who used to pick the wax droppings from the candles and ate them, then these candies are for you. Well, the wax bottle anyway. Still, I hear the stingingly sugary sweet processed juice in them is nasty.

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10. Necco Wafers-one person from Thrillist writes, “If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.” Also, despite that they’re practically reviled as a candy for chalky texture and invariable staleness, they’re still being made and sold. It’s a great mystery to us all. And form TopTenz, “They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.”

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11. Mary Janes- this may seem like a good idea for a kid’s candy since it’s a molasses and peanut butter flavored taffy. No one will ever eat them. Of course, there are the other kind of Mary Jane candies but they’re not for kids and only legal in the state of Washington and Colorado where, “sitting around the campfire, everybody’s high,” in the words of John Denver.

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12. Fireballs-yes, they are a strong timeless candy yet, you have to suck on these for about 15 minutes or more. You can devour more candy in that time frame. Yet, as for me, I try to save it as long as possible.

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13. Almond Joy/Mounds-if the cherry fondue is the last candy in a chocolate box to be eaten, then anything with coconut is a close second.

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14. Fruit (save maybe candy apples)-basically, giving trick or treaters fruit says, “Hey, I’m a major health nut who cares more about not contributing to juvenile diabetes more than I care about Halloween tradition.” It’s even worse if they’re apples with razor blades. Hey, if you don’t want to contribute to juvenile diabetes during Halloween the least you can do is hand out pieces of paper with George Washington’s face. Even quarters are acceptable.

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15. Bit-O-Honey-from Thrillist, “I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon — we’re an evolving people.” Said to always taste stale and takes very long to eat.

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16. Fruit Snacks-may be appropriate for school lunches in elementary school but certainly not in candy bags during Halloween.

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17. Gingerbread Cookies-now I love gingerbread cookies, but they’re Christmas so it’s too freaking early. Also, those cookies might just as well be leftovers from last Christmas or earlier. Gross.

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18. Spare Change-look, I was totally cool with receiving money from adults during trick or treating and even would appreciate more so now since I’m an unemployed college graduate who lives with her parents. However, no child wants to receive chump change like nickels, dimes, and pennies. Now that’s just being cheap.

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19. Dum Dums Lollipops-I hated these as a kid and still don’t care for them now. Just these small little lollipops with a cheap taste you see at a bank that aren’t worth my time.

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20. Green Tea Kit Kats- now there are some who like green tea and Kit Kats, but not in the same candy. Of course, this is Japan, but even Japanese children wouldn’t stand for this shit. I mean who eats a green Kit Kat Bar is like saying who in their right mind would eat green eggs and ham? (No offense, Dr. Seuss.) Just don’t break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Sorry, Japan.

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21. Runts-for me, these were better suited as fake fruit for my Barbie Dolls than anything edible. As a writer from the Houston Press said, “Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive.” At least they’re said to be disappearing, thanks to the decline of coin operated candy dispensers.

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22. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups-as one writer of the Houston Press put it, “A perfect example of how the unnecessary introduction of white chocolate (which is not even chocolate, btw) ruins a perfectly respectable product.” Yeah, white chocolate and peanut butter, put it up there with the cherry fondue.

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23. Hershey’s Creme Kisses-the cherry cordial is full of what is said to taste like cough syrup while the orange crème isn’t much better. It’s like the cherry fondue in a chocolate box which is extremely nasty that people usually eat it last.

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24. Candy Buttons-these artificially colored sugar mounds on cheap paper are actually so tasteless one writer from the Houston Press noted but, “every time I eat them I feel like I’m overdosing on birth control pills.” The kiddies are better off with these containing LSD or some other kind of acid from Woodstock.

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25. Jujubes-don’t taste like the real fruits they claim to represent. Also, tend to get stuck at your teeth and perhaps dislodge any dental work.

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26. Circus Peanuts- these are said to be among the cheapest, nastiest, and old fashioned crap confections. According to someone from the Houston Press, they “taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.”

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27. Candy Cigarettes-yes, we had a lot of fun with these as kids, yet they just don’t have a good taste. Probably better off using pretzels as cigarettes instead. Heard a nearby school district passed these out, which I think is hilarious. Still, the vintage ones look even more realistic with the packaging. You know those were out just to get the kiddies hooked.

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28. Candy Necklaces- these taste like chalk and don’t go with anything you’d wear, especially if you’re a guy.

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29. Sour Candies-I have no taste for these and I’ve heard they’re even worse for your teeth than regular candy. Also, they taste really, really bad.

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30. Original Boston Baked Beans-as a writer from the Houston Press said, “Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.”

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31. Butterscotch Candies-seem just the kind of hard caramel candies you’d find in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

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32. Raisins-it’s basically dried fruit and what many people might give kids as a healthier substitute than candy. I always hate it when I bite in what I thought was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie only to discover it had raisins in it.

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33. Toothbrushes-these should only be reserved as giveaways from dental appointments not for trick or treating.

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34. Milk Duds-from E!, “’Dud’ is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.”

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35. Raisinets- doesn’t matter how much chocolate it’s covered with, it’s still a raisin. Seriously, for those who give them out to kids in order to encourage good health, this is particularly cruel.

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36. Black Licorice-gets a bad rap for a reason. Also, studies show that nobody under 80 likes these but that may have to do with the fact that they were children during the Great Depression who were just happy to get anything that’s candy. Heard it’s made out of the same material used to insulate electric cords.

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37. Whoppers-possibly among the most divisive candies of all time. Also, that chocolate shell isn’t really chocolate. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those malted milk balls.

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38. Root Beer Barrels-actually all pop flavored candy isn’t really that good, according to most people. Besides, we all know that people drink pop for the carbonation, not the fizz.

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39. Peanut Chews- from Complex, “This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.”

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40. Sixlets- basically these are M&Ms without the Ms or possibly a bootleg version. Will melt in your hand and packaging, not your mouth.

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41. Peppermint Hard Candies-basically the kind you give to someone to let them know that they’re suffering from halitosis. Also, used in waiting rooms and hotels. On Halloween, these may have been in people’s households since Christmas.

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42. Crows-basically if all the Dots gumdrops mated with the black licorice, it would result in these. Also, kind of look like small turds from a rabbit.

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43. Orange Slices-sugar coated orange candies made to seem like orange slices. Most trick or treaters aren’t that desperate for candy to eat them.

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44. Jawbreakers-basically take an hour to eat and may break your teeth. Also have a weak sugary flavor. Yet, kids will still eat them as Top Tenz says, “Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.” Not a good candy for Halloween.

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45. Razor Blades-now these are just bad and possibly illegal to hand out to kids. What a cruel trick indeed.

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46. Tootsie Rolls-according to TopTenz, “Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.” Said to taste a year old.

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47. Chocolate Coins-having chocolate coin in foil may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s something about foil wrapping this delicious food that tends to turn into a major disappointment. Not only is foil wrapped chocolate disgusting but for no obvious reason why. As Top Tenz reports, “Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.”

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48. Ring Pops-of course, they may belong in the category “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Yet, the second you start eating one, it turns into a sticky, disgusting mess. Anything you touch afterwards becomes gooey and gross and the cheap plastic scratches your fingers. Also, boys are mocked at school for wearing them perhaps as cross dressers, and it’s said that girls who really get into candy jewelry end up in the world’s oldest profession.

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49. Aero Chocolate-high concept candy never works out for anyone, especially kids.

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50. Strawberry Peanut Butter M&Ms-oh, please don’t mess with a classic, especially if it contains anything fruit flavored. Disgusting.

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51. Peanut Butter Taffy-taste nothing like peanut butter and offer a terrible Halloween experience for kids. Someone at Nooga.com writes, “Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these, and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter.”

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52. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms-let’s see, basically these are jammed pack with artificial ingredients and deprived of nutritious content. Also, these probably taste as bad as you would expect. Oh, why Mars Corporation? Regular M&Ms would do just fine.

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53. Marshmallow Peeps-these are for Easter so either use them for your peep dioramas or don’t buy them at all for Halloween.

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54. Jelly Beans-unless, they’re from Bertie Botts, these aren’t appropriate for the Halloween season. And even then, the kids may not want to eat them.

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55. Horehound-basically it’s a medicinal herb disguised as candy and mostly reserved for senior citizens with diabetes. Kids are better off getting cough drops. Also, it has a name of what you’d call a female dog that was humped by all the male dogs in the neighborhood.

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56. Carrots-they’re food you eat for meals like lunch and dinner as well as an occasional healthy snack or at a party. Halloween isn’t the time for healthy alternatives.

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57. Diet Candy Bars-oh, please, these are for self-conscious adults who want to lose weight but not for kids who just want candy and don’t care about their weight and health, yet.

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58. Religious Pamplets- look, unless it’s from the kid’s religious class (or parochial school and/or local religious establishment like a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, coven, shrine, or cult commune), their presence isn’t welcomed in any private residence and are guaranteed to offend possibly non-religious parents (or parents belonging to a different religious tradition). I hear Chick Tracts are fairly famous ones which would be seen as offensive to almost every group of people out there other than perhaps conservative Fundamentalist Christians in the American South. Seriously, Halloween isn’t the time to proselytize the good news, especially to children. Still, these are worse than toothbrushes.

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59. Hershey’s Candy Corn Crème Bars- yes, they exist and they resemble a yellow and orange bar of soap. It’s pretty disgusting.

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60. Candy Canes-now why give out a candy on Halloween you use to decorate your Christmas Tree? Besides, it’s too early.

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61. McDonald’s/Burger King Gift Certificates-yes, we’ve all got them and most of the time our parents tried using them after they were expired. You’re better off getting gift certificates from your local pizza place.

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62. Thrills Soap Gum-from iVillage.ca, “Where did this stuff go when Halloween was over? Purple and soap-flavored, it was ALWAYS the last thing in your bag. But then one day in late November, you’d rifle through your old stash with a massive sugar craving, and that’s all that would be left. And you’d think…aw, heck, might as well chew it…..”

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63. Pumpkin Peeps-for those who couldn’t resist the inedible marshmallow Easter icons, here’s the perfect Halloween treat for you. These are only for the peep diorama types, not for kids.

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64. Ribbon Candy-from Mommyish, “This makes my skin crawl, as it brings back memories of the sharp ends of it slicing through my tongue. This stuff is actually a weapon. Maybe you should keep some in your purse.”

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65. Business Swag-using Halloween as a way to promote your business platform. Explain to me how that’s going to make a kid happy. It isn’t.

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66. Loose Peanuts-well, they may seem like healthy alternative, but are more suited for football games and aren’t likely to be enjoyed when not in a can. This is especially true if these legumes are found in their shells.

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67. Sweet Tarts Squeeze-what the hell is this candy? Also, really gross for a night devoted to eating tons of sugar.

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68. Old and Decrepit Toys-from Babble, “There are two families in my neighborhood (who perhaps know each other and copied the other’s trick-or-treat style) that collect old and dirty toys and tell innocent children to stick a hand inside a bag and pull out a rusted car or doll with a broken head while explaining to the parents that they are good toys but since they have no room for them, they hand out for Halloween.”

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69. Mystery Candy-face it, kids won’t eat any candy they can’t identify or recognize.

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70. Baby Ruth Bars-just have too many peanuts and not enough chocolate.

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71. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars-from Chicago Now, “Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?”

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72. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses-let’s face it, while the pumpkin spice latte may be popular, this doesn’t mean you put pumpkin spice in everything. According to a writer from Chicago Now, “I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.”

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73. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies- according to a writer from Chicago Now, “In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea?”

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74. Political Ads-second to unwelcome stuff you can put in a kid’s trick or treat bag are these, especially if you’re a political candidate. Save the ads for Election Day if you want to give them out.

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75. Anything Tampered-now receiving a treat that may have some tampering on it, well, if you give anything containing razor blades or poison, then you can expect a lawsuit from the parents or jail. You’d be surprised how often this happens and sometimes it makes the news. So don’t be that guy. Also, goes the same for candy laced with illegal drugs or any substance that’s illegal for people under 21.

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76. Pop-now giving out candy is one thing, but giving out carbonated beverages, well, they’re even less healthy than the standard Halloween fare. And I have received this on Halloween.

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77. Eggs-let’s see, they aren’t candy and can easily break. Best served to be thrown by teenagers.

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78. Rocks-no child wants a Halloween trick or treat bag like Charlie Brown’s and even he’s miserable getting them.

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79. Poop-this one speaks for itself whether it be from you or your dog. Now that’s just worse than rocks.

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80. Nothing-from 2Shopper, “At least when you have bad Halloween candy, you’ve still earned some reward. When you receive nothing for painting your face and looking ridiculous out in public, you might as well join the kid who got a rock for Halloween.” Yes, giving nothing might lead to these same crying little kids throw rocks at your house later. I mean c’mon, it would be nicer if you gave out stuff like crunchy frogs, ram’s bladder cups, cockroach clusters, or spring surprise.

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