Tag Archives: WTF?

The Wonderful World of the Teddy Bear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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For over a century, the Teddy Bear has been an extremely iconic toy around the world celebrated in song, story, and film. Named after President Teddy Roosevelt due to a 1902 incident in Mississippi which he refused to shoot a black bear tied to a tree, there has barely been any toy that’s enjoyed so much adoration and popularity as this exceedingly cute and cuddly toy. And not only has the toy industry made a lot of money from selling these bears as toys for children, but also collectors and as gifts for so many holidays and occasions to signify love, congratulations, or sympathy. Not to mention, there are even a lot of Teddy Bear museums around the world as well with feature many uniquely clothed Teddy Bears in dioramas. Still, there are many reasons why teddies tend to be so popular such as irresistible cuteness, being suitable for all ages like most cuddly stuffed animals, could be given to both genders, being very customizable, and has been around for so long. Nevertheless, Teddy Bears tend to be very popular gifts around Valentine’s Day even though it’s quite early to be thinking about the holiday though. Yet, we’ve also famous bears like Winnie the Pooh and now Paddington is about to have a movie come out so perhaps doing a teddy post is as good time as ever. However, you won’t believe the kinds of Teddy Bears out there and some these aren’t appropriate for children by the way. So without further adieu, here’s a glimpse of some of the wonderful Teddy Bears you might want to have.

1. Straitjacket Bear is just utterly crazy about you.

Of course, having this bear in a straitjacket might make you think he's just too crazy for you to handle. Then again, at least he's better than people like abusers, rapists, stalkers, and the like and they don't get put in a straitjacket. Still, very cute.

Of course, having this bear in a straitjacket might make you think he’s just too crazy for you to handle. Then again, at least he’s better than people like abusers, rapists, stalkers, and the like and they don’t get put in a straitjacket. Still, very cute.

2. Muhpawmad Ali thinks that you’re an absolute knock out and hope he doesn’t beat his rival to the punch.

Sadly, Muhpawmad Ali was retired by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company after he converted to Islam and refused to be drafted to Vietnam. Oh, wait that's a different boxer.

Sadly, Muhpawmad Ali was forcibly retired by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company after he converted to Islam and refused to be drafted to Vietnam. Oh, wait that’s a different boxer.

3. Seems like Ted is looking sharp these days.

Yes, this bear was inspired by the movie Ted which is an R-rated comedy about a foul mouthed, irresponsible, and really cantankerous bear. Of course, a lot of young men loved it. Still, despite the crudeness, it did have a great song to it. And now there's going to be a sequel.

Yes, this bear was inspired by the movie Ted which is an R-rated comedy about a foul mouthed, irresponsible, and really cantankerous bear. Of course, a lot of young men loved it. Still, despite the crudeness, it did have a great song to it. And now there’s going to be a sequel.

4. “Hello, Hello, Hello, now what have we got here?” said Inspector Mortimer Biggles.

As a die-hard Monty Python fan, I couldn't let this British cop Teddy Bear slip by me for this post. Still, you have to love his little badge and Bobbie hats they still wear to day. Yet, in media, they always seem so polite.

As a die-hard Monty Python fan, I couldn’t let this British cop Teddy Bear slip by me for this post. Still, you have to love his little badge and Bobbie hats they still wear to day. Yet, in media, they always seem so polite.

5. Out of his den, the one the only, Sir Belton Pawn.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of Elton John perhaps from his fame in the 1970s. Love his star sunglasses and shiny purple jacket. Now that's simply adorable.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of Elton John perhaps from his fame in the 1970s. Love his star sunglasses and shiny purple jacket. Now that’s simply adorable.

6. President Bearack Opawma is the United States Commander in Chief.

Yes, this is a Barack Obama Teddy Bear, and politics aside this is simply adorable and I'm astounded that this one didn't require a lot of accessories. Sure I think Obama is doing a decent job as president despite the circumstances but that's beside the point. Yet, will probably go a bit gray after a few years.

Yes, this is a Barack Obama Teddy Bear, and politics aside this is simply adorable and I’m astounded that this one didn’t require a lot of accessories. Sure I think Obama is doing a decent job as president despite the circumstances but that’s beside the point. Yet, will probably go a bit gray after a few years.

7. Of course, who can forget the Clawley family from the hit TV Show of Bearton Abbey?

Of course, this Limited Teddy Bear set includes, Lady Mary, Lady Cora Countess of Grantham, Lord Robert Earl of Grantham, and the Dowager Countess Violet. Still, wish they some of the other characters though.

Of course, this Limited Teddy Bear set includes, Lady Mary, Lady Cora Countess of Grantham, Lord Robert Earl of Grantham, and the Dowager Countess Violet. Still, wish they some of the other characters though.

8. Armed with his lightsaber, this Jedi Knight Teddy Bear is on the cuddlier side of the Force.

Of course, they do have Star Wars Build-a-Bear clothes and accessories on its website. And no, this isn't an Ewok. Still, I have to put a Star Wars reference in the post somewhere.

Of course, they do have Star Wars Build-a-Bear clothes and accessories on its website. And no, this isn’t an Ewok. Still, I have to put a Star Wars reference in the post somewhere.

9. The hills are alive with the sound of music as you snuggle with the Maria Von Trapp bear.

Luckily for some people, this bear doesn't sing. Yet, I'm sure any Sound of Music fan will love it if he or she can afford about $300 for it. Seriously, Steiff bears are very expensive.

Luckily for some people, this bear doesn’t sing. Yet, I’m sure any Sound of Music fan will love it if he or she can afford about $300 for it. Seriously, Steiff bears are very expensive.

10. Step into the Colonial and Revolutionary Era with Abigail.

Now I'm sure this is not an Abigail Adams bear because the Boyd's Bear website says she's from the Williamsburg Collection. Still, she'd make a lovely gift for an elementary school teacher trying to reach out to students on the American Revolution.

Now I’m sure this is not an Abigail Adams bear because the Boyd’s Bear website says she’s from the Williamsburg Collection. Still, she’d make a lovely gift for an elementary school teacher trying to reach out to students on the American Revolution.

11. Strum up some country music with Cash.

I originally thought that this was a Johnny Cash Teddy bear. Then again, if it was, then he'd be dressed in black. Also, has a female counterpart named Paisley.

I originally thought that this was a Johnny Cash Teddy bear. Then again, if it was, then he’d be dressed in black. Also, has a female counterpart named Paisley.

12. With her yellow coat, feather hat, and red and white striped dress, Audrey Hepbearn is a true Parisian Fashionista.

Now I'm not sure if that's supposed to be Audrey Hepburn or an original Boyd's Bear character (probably the latter). Either way, she certainly looks cute in that outfit.

Now I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be Audrey Hepburn or an original Boyd’s Bear character (probably the latter). Either way, she certainly looks cute in that outfit.

13. Mia is kind what you’d call a yoga bear but don’t mention, Jellistone National Park or she’d get angry.

Of course, Mia may not be using her yoga mat, but she seems like doing a pose anyway. Perhaps she's in the park. Yet, I'm not sure what that pose is supposed to be.

Of course, Mia may not be using her yoga mat, but she seems like doing a pose anyway. Perhaps she’s in the park. Yet, I’m not sure what that pose is supposed to be.

14. Julia can be a domestic goddess in the kitchen and still be adorable.

Now this is definitely a Boyd's Bear take off on Julia Child. I mean she even as

Now this is definitely a Boyd’s Bear take off on Julia Child. I mean she even as “Bon Appetite” in her apron. Yet, I wonder if Julia knows anything about French cuisine.

15. Tilly Gardenberry always loves to hang out in her vegetable garden and probably eats organic.

Of course, the fact that Tilly wears crocs while out in her vegetable patch really shows that she cares more about gardening than fashion of which she is no slave. Seriously, crocs are about one of the tackiest shoes anyone can wear.

Of course, the fact that Tilly wears crocs while out in her vegetable patch really shows that she cares more about gardening than fashion of which she is no slave. Seriously, crocs are about one of the tackiest shoes anyone can wear.

16. Lizzie Snowbum is all dressed and ready for the winter weather in the snow.

Of course, we all know that real bears don't need snow gear and usually hibernate in the winter anyway. Still, I do appreciate Boyd's creativity with names as well as think Lizzie is simply adorable.

Of course, we all know that real bears don’t need snow gear and usually hibernate in the winter anyway. Still, I do appreciate Boyd’s creativity with names as well as think Lizzie is simply adorable.

17. On windy days, Skylar Breezebeary always loves to fly her kite.

Unlike Skylar, I was never able to fly a kite as a child mostly because my house was near so many power lines in both the front lawn and the back yard. Doesn't make a safe kite flying environment.

Unlike Skylar, I was never able to fly a kite as a child mostly because my house was near so many power lines in both the front lawn and the back yard. Doesn’t make a safe kite flying environment.

18. Of course, since Paddington Bear has a movie coming out, I certainly can’t leave him out of my post.

Sure Paddington may seem polite, love marmalade, and can be a screw up at times, but why the hell does he speak in an English accent if he's actually from Peru? Seriously, shouldn't he be speaking in Spanish for God's sake?

Sure Paddington may seem polite, love marmalade, and can be a screw up at times, but why the hell does he speak in an English accent if he’s actually from Peru? Seriously, shouldn’t he be speaking in Spanish for God’s sake?

19. May your sweetheart find this Loverboy Teddy Bear totally irresistible.

Of course, with his adorable Teddy Bear form, macho sunglasses, Love tattoo, and his bad boy poise, he's the kind of bear that's hard to resist.

Of course, with his adorable Teddy Bear form, macho sunglasses, Love tattoo, and his bad boy poise, he’s the kind of bear that’s hard to resist.

20. Whether as a horny devil or a saintly angel, you can’t deny how adorable these two look side by side.

Of course, it's a popular notion that good girls like bad boys. That is, until they come to the realization that they make terrible boyfriends and dump them. So perhaps having nice guys finish isn't all that bad.

Of course, it’s a popular notion that good girls like bad boys. That is, until they come to the realization that they make terrible boyfriends and dump them. So perhaps having nice guys finish isn’t all that bad.

21. Now you can’t help yourself to all these beautiful bearillrinas practicing.

Sure ballet may seem like a girly dance but remember that it's very exhausting for the dancers who don't have a very long shelf life. Still, there are some celebrities who do ballet like some NFL football players.

Sure ballet may seem like a girly dance but remember that it’s very exhausting for the dancers who don’t have a very long shelf life. Still, there are some celebrities who do ballet like some NFL football players.

22. Now Coco Chic’s clothes are always at the height of fashion these days.

Now I don't know what consists of high fashion these days. However, I'm not sure if Coco's fur hat and trim is necessarily

Now I don’t know what consists of high fashion these days. However, I’m not sure if Coco’s fur hat and trim is necessarily “in” since it’s probably from an endangered species. Then again, PETA probably won’t be on her case since she’s a bear.

23. Still, since he’s so well known, I can’t possibly forget Winnie the Pooh from the Hundred Acre Wood.

Before the Winnie the Pooh became a multimillion Disney franchise, it originated in a series of stories by A. A. Milne who basically named the animal characters after his son's stuffed toys. Son's name was Christopher Robin who hated the books for obvious reasons. Also, Pooh was also named after a real Canadian bear.

Before the Winnie the Pooh became a multibillion Disney franchise, it originated in a series of stories by A. A. Milne who basically named the animal characters after his son’s stuffed toys. Son’s name was Christopher Robin who hated the books for obvious reasons. Also, Pooh was also named after a real Canadian bear. Still, as Disney is concerned, Winnie the Pooh is a $6 billion bear.

24. Now this Teddy Bear just bares all.

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company calls this one,

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company calls this one, “Birthday Suit Bear” which is odd since I thought I’ve seen a lot of Teddy Bears in their birthday suits to begin with. Seriously, why is he climbing out of his own fur? Kind of disturbing if you ask me.

25. To commemorate the E. L. James Series Fifty Shades of Grey, here’s a Christian Grey Teddy Bear.

From what I've heard about the series (originally a Twilight fanfic), Christian Grey is supposed to be an abusive, controlling bastard.Thus, not cuddly at all, which makes this Teddy Bear all the more ironic. Even funnier is that he's actually gray.

From what I’ve heard about the series (originally a Twilight fanfic), Christian Grey is supposed to be an abusive, controlling bastard.Thus, not cuddly at all, which makes this Teddy Bear all the more ironic. Even funnier is that he’s actually gray.

26. This gangster Teddy Near is just a fool for love but don’t open his violin case.

Of course, this gangster Teddy Bear always comes well dressed with his tailored pinstripe vest, tie, black fedora, a rose on his lapel, an his while spats above his paws. Still, for a killer, he's a cutie.

Of course, this gangster Teddy Bear always comes well dressed with his tailored pinstripe vest, tie, black fedora, a rose on his lapel, an his while spats above his paws. Still, for a killer, he’s a cutie.

27. Lo and behold, a Teddy Bear Royal Guardsman from Buckingham Palace.

Sure he may seem friendly now but when he's on duty, you don't want to disturb him. Seriously, he wouldn't like it when you try to break his stiff upper lip.

Sure he may seem friendly now but when he’s on duty, you don’t want to disturb him. Seriously, he wouldn’t like it when you try to break his stiff upper lip.

28. From the Vatican, here we hail the retired pontiff Bearnedict XVI.

I'm not sure if a Pope Francis Teddy Bear exists but he's probably much cuter and cuddlier. Nevertheless, since former Pope Benedict XVI does have a few Teddy Bears of him, he'll have to do.

I’m not sure if a Pope Francis Teddy Bear exists but he’s probably much cuter and cuddlier. Nevertheless, since former Pope Benedict XVI does have a few Teddy Bears of him, he’ll have to do.

29. Of course, despite the Santa suit, this Teddy Bear doesn’t like Christmas, well, at first.

Of course, this is a Teddy Bear of the Grinch inspired by the Dr. Seuss story How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Nevertheless, this bear is just adorable at least more than the Grinch himself.

Of course, this is a Teddy Bear of the Grinch inspired by the Dr. Seuss story How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Nevertheless, this bear is just adorable at least more than the Grinch himself.

30. For Easter, I’m sure a Teddy Bear in a bunny suit would make a swell addition to the Easter basket.

Of course, this could be a Teddy Bear hunting rabbits in a pink rabbit disguise but that's kind of far fetched. Still, it's pretty adorable.

Of course, this could be a Teddy Bear hunting rabbits in a pink rabbit disguise but that’s kind of far fetched. Still, it’s pretty adorable.

31. If you think Teddy Bears are adorable, you should see what a Panda Teddy Bear.

Of course, real Giant Pandas are an endangered species due to habitat loss and a low birthrate (pandas only mate once a year). Still, baby pandas born in zoos usually make the news at six.

Of course, real Giant Pandas are an endangered species due to habitat loss and a low birthrate (pandas only mate once a year). Still, baby pandas born in zoos usually make the news at six.

32. From Scotland, you’ll never find a cuter man in a kilt than Ewan McClawfur.

Of course, this adorable Highlander Bear doesn't come with bagpipes but I really don't care since they're annoying instruments anyway. Still, you have to love his little kilt and tam.

Of course, this adorable Highlander Bear doesn’t come with bagpipes but I really don’t care since they’re annoying instruments anyway. Still, you have to love his little kilt and tam.

33. While polar bears (hopefully) typically live where there is ice and snow, this polar bear teddy will warm your heart.

Of course, polar bears rely on the Arctic sea ice so much that they're now an increasingly at risk for becoming a casualty of global warming (which is real and manmade by the way, sorry, climate denying assholes). Still, this is just so adorable you'd want to take it home and name it Nappy.

Of course, polar bears rely on the Arctic sea ice so much that they’re now an increasingly at risk for becoming a casualty of global warming (which is real and manmade by the way, sorry, climate denying assholes). Still, this is just so adorable you’d want to take it home and name it Nappy.

34. Of course, since the legend of the Teddy Bear was inspired by an American legend, you can’t leave out a Grizzly Teddy Bear.

Though you might think this is cute and cuddly, remember that you don't want to be anywhere near a real Grizzly Bear, especially in front of a mother and her cubs. Any guy who messes with a Mama Grizzly or her cubs is a dead man to say the least.

Though you might think this is cute and cuddly, remember that you don’t want to be anywhere near a real Grizzly Bear, especially in front of a mother and her cubs. Any guy who messes with a Mama Grizzly or her cubs is a dead man to say the least. Talk about an idiotic death.

35. Give your sweetheart the gift of  true love this Valentine’s Day with these Romeo and Juliet Teddy Bears.

Give your girlfriend the kind of gift that remind her that your love is the kind that was brought on by raging hormones, reckless decision making such as marrying a few days later, you killing your cousin after offing your best friend in a gang war between your families, you two running off together in a tomb, poisoning yourself while she faked your death, and she dying by her dagger. Yeah, that's what I call true love. Yeah right.

Give your girlfriend the kind of gift that remind her that your love is the kind that was brought on by raging hormones, reckless decision making such as marrying a few days later, you killing your cousin after offing your best friend in a gang war between your families, you two running off together in a tomb, poisoning yourself while she faked your death, and she dying by her dagger. Yeah, that’s what I call true love. Yeah right. It’s just tragedy, simply reckless tragedy, folks.

36. Warm your little girl’s heart this winter with a Snow Queen Teddy Bear.

Sure this may not be Elsa from Frozen, but it's not like little girls will no the difference, at least at first. Still, in her icy domain, she's just so adorable in that little blue dress and crown as well as her furry muff.

Sure this may not be Elsa from Frozen, but it’s not like little girls will know the difference, at least at first. Still, in her icy domain, she’s just so adorable in that little blue dress and crown as well as her furry muff.

37. Make bedtime memorable with this little pajama bear.

Of course, this Teddy bear might be for babies since it has cute little footie pajamas. Nevertheless, this is something any little kid could love and want to go to bed with.

Of course, this Teddy bear might be for babies since it has cute little footie pajamas. Nevertheless, this is something any little kid could love and want to go to bed with.

38. What you mean you’ve never seen a Teddy Bear in his heart dotted boxer shorts.

Of course, this adorable Teddy Bear doesn't look that bad in his little boxers. But I'm sure they help conceal his naughty bits if you know what I mean. Still, love how he seems so buffed up in them.

Of course, this adorable Teddy Bear doesn’t look that bad in his little boxers. But I’m sure they help conceal his naughty bits if you know what I mean. Still, love how he seems so buffed up in them.

39. Ride the waves this summer with this one of a kind surfer bear.

Of course, Cuddlebut only took up surfing just so he could get closer to all the exotic ocean fish at high tide. Unfortunately, he'd be chased to the shore by whales and sharks wanting to eat him.

Of course, Cuddlebut only took up surfing just so he could get closer to all the exotic ocean fish at high tide. Unfortunately, he’d be chased to the shore by whales and sharks wanting to eat him.

40. I now pronounce you man and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Bearenstein. You may kiss the bride.

I see a lot of wedding bears from the internet. Maybe it's because weddings are popular occasions for giving these things. Nevertheless, they do make a cute couple don't you think?

I see a lot of wedding bears from the internet. Maybe it’s because weddings are popular occasions for giving these things. Nevertheless, they do make a cute couple don’t you think?

41. Have the flu? Well, I’m sure Dr. Jones will make it all better.

Of course, you know he's a doctor since his little Furst Aid medical bag contains a bandage and a thermometer. Still, I kind of wish he had a little stethoscope with him but who am I to judge? Still, he's adorable.

Of course, you know he’s a doctor since his little Furst Aid medical bag contains a bandage and a thermometer. Still, I kind of wish he had a little stethoscope with him but who am I to judge? Still, he’s adorable.

42. Now this Teddy Bear is certainly a real angler with the rod and the reel.

Of course, unlike most bears, Clawson caught his salmon with his fishing rod instead of just by his own claws near the waterfall. Thought it was just more efficient that way.

Of course, unlike most bears, Clawson caught his salmon with his fishing rod instead of just by his own claws near the waterfall. Thought it was just more efficient that way.

43. By order of Officer Snuggles, you’re under arrest.

Of course, only a police Teddy Bear could be equipped with handcuffs and not seem to have anything ironic about it. Still, hope he doesn't go after any innocent black bears (then again, in my area the only bears around are black bears).

Of course, only a police Teddy Bear could be equipped with handcuffs and not seem to have anything ironic about it. Still, hope he doesn’t go after any innocent black bears (then again, in my area the only bears around are black bears).

44. While most bears love the taste of honey, Vermont bears prefer the taste of maple syrup.

Unsurprisingly, this Teddy Bear is by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, where maple syrup is one of the state's products. Still, wonder why the company doesn't have a Teddy Bear representing all 50 states.

Unsurprisingly, this Teddy Bear is by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, where maple syrup is one of the state’s products. Still, wonder why the company doesn’t have a Teddy Bear representing all 50 states.

45. Clawrles Furbergh has just become the first bear to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean.

Of course, I know aviators today don't wear that kind of gear as much as they used to. Still, I think this Teddy Bear is so adorable anyway. Yet, I'm not sure if I'd want to fly on his plane though.

Of course, I know aviators today don’t wear that kind of gear as much as they used to. Still, I think this Teddy Bear is so adorable anyway. Yet, I’m not sure if I’d want to fly on his plane though.

46. Clawbo Furcasso specializes in masterpieces pertaining to Modernist Cave painting.

Now this might be a perfect Teddy Bear for my sister, who's an art major at VCU. Well, at least she started out as one. Nevertheless, you have to like seeing him with his little beret, paintbrush, and palette. Also, it seems like he's got a few stains on his little apron.

Now this might be a perfect Teddy Bear for my sister, who’s an art major at VCU. Well, at least she started out as one. Nevertheless, you have to like seeing him with his little beret, paintbrush, and palette. Also, it seems like he’s got a few stains on his little apron.

47. Of course, where would Cinderbearla be without her Beary Godmother?

Sure she may be a beary godmother but that doesn't mean she won't go after the mice and pumpkin before turning them into a coach and footmen. Still, this is simply adorable.

Sure she may be a beary godmother but that doesn’t mean she won’t go after the mice and pumpkin before turning them into a coach and footmen. Still, this is simply adorable.

48. Now never in my life have I ever seen a beary princess.

Now despite being a beary princess, you'd probably wouldn't want to lock her in a tower. Seriously, bears don't take it well. Nevertheless, I love that pretty pink dress.

Now despite being a beary princess, you’d probably wouldn’t want to lock her in a tower. Seriously, bears don’t take it well. Nevertheless, I love that pretty pink dress.

49. Now Chef Beariscue loves to bring his creativity to the kitchen.

Now I bet that this bear chef cooks with all natural ingredients instead of stuff he found at somebody's camp site. Still, you have to love him in his little chef's outfit.

Now I bet that this bear chef cooks with all natural ingredients instead of stuff he found at somebody’s camp site. Still, you have to love him in his little chef’s outfit.

50. This bear has been working on the railroad all the livelong day.

Now I know railroad engineers don't dress like that these days. Still, he wears his little red handkerchief quite well with his little overalls and cap.

Now I know railroad engineers don’t dress like that these days. Still, he wears his little red handkerchief quite well with his little overalls and cap.

51. Now this BMX Bear certainly knows his tricks on the skateboard.

However, unlike most BMX bears, he's not wearing a helmet on top of his hoodie which isn't a great idea. Still, he seems quite classy in his skull and crossbones shirt, cargo shorts, and sunglasses.

However, unlike most BMX bears, he’s not wearing a helmet on top of his hoodie which isn’t a great idea. Still, he seems quite classy in his skull and crossbones shirt, cargo shorts, and sunglasses.

52. This patriotic mama bear is as all American as her apple pie.

Not sure if this mama bear baked the pie herself or stole it from from someone's picnic basket. Either way, she's just so adorable in her red, white, and blue dress.

Not sure if this mama bear baked the pie herself or stole it from from someone’s picnic basket. Either way, she’s just so adorable in her red, white, and blue dress.

53. Of course, ice cream with pickles are all what a bear needs when she has a cub in the oven.

Of course, this mama to be bear may be quite friendly and mostly in hibernation at first. But when a bear becomes a mama, she certainly becomes a force to be reckoned with. Seriously, after the cubs are born, don't ever piss her off!

Of course, this mama to be bear may be quite friendly and mostly in hibernation at first. But when a bear becomes a mama, she certainly becomes a force to be reckoned with. Get between her and her babies, and she will tear you apart. Seriously, after the cubs are born, don’t ever piss her off!

54. Now it’s customary of Inuit Teddy Bears to wear parkas in the polar regions.

Though penguins are cute animals, they actually live in the Southern Hemisphere and don't coexist with Inuit or Arctic wildlife. Still, I love how that bear looks in its cute little parka.

Though penguins are cute animals, they actually live in the Southern Hemisphere and don’t coexist with Inuit or Arctic wildlife. Still, I love how that bear looks in its cute little parka.

55. Hire this Handyman Teddy Bear to fix your broken heart.

Yes, this little handybear doesn't fix stuff with a pencil or rule. He's just handy with love and he's no fool. He just fixes broken hearts because he knows he surely can.

Yes, this little handybear doesn’t fix stuff with a pencil or rule. He’s just handy with love and he’s no fool. He just fixes broken hearts because he knows he surely can. Fixing 24 hours a day.

56. Sailor Teddy Bear serves as a proud member of the US Navy.

Of course, you have to love how he does his little paw salute. Nevertheless, I wouldn't want to be scrubbing the deck while wearing that outfit though.

Of course, you have to love how he does his little paw salute. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t want to be scrubbing the deck while wearing that outfit though.

57. Now this bear is only hurting for love, one blow at a time.

Either that, or this teddy was just looking for love in all the wrong places, naturally. Still, hope he gets well or finds the right person.

Either that, or this teddy was just looking for love in all the wrong places, naturally. Still, hope he gets well or finds the right person.

58. Of course, this Mother Goose bear can always read a rhyme or two to children.

Now I'm sure this bear thinks the goose is delicious (well, a wild bear would). Still, you have to love her adorable 18th century dress and cap.

Now I’m sure this bear thinks the goose is delicious (well, a wild bear would). Still, you have to love her adorable 18th century dress and cap.

59. This Teddy Bear EMT will save your life and drive you to the hospital in no time.

Of course, if anyone found a bear trying to resuscitate them in the ambulance (or driving one), most would pass out from shock. This is where the defibrillator comes in handy.

Of course, if anyone found a bear trying to resuscitate them in the ambulance (or driving one), most would pass out from shock. This is where the defibrillator comes in handy.

60. Here comes noted surgeon Dr. Bearensen appearing at the operating table in his scrubs.

Then again, this bear could be a nurse for you sometimes can't really tell in the operating room. Then again, nurses usually wear scrubs in the hospital while doctors don on lab coats outside the OR.

Then again, this bear could be a nurse for you sometimes can’t really tell in the operating room. Then again, nurses usually wear scrubs in the hospital while doctors don on lab coats outside the OR.

61. Count Furcula wants to suck your blood and be let into your heart.

Sure he may be a vampire with fangs, but he's far more cuddly than Edward Cullen from the Twilight series and much cuter, too. Still, doesn't seem pale by any means.

Sure he may be a vampire with fangs, but he’s far more cuddly than Edward Cullen from the Twilight series and much cuter, too. Still, doesn’t seem pale by any means.

62. Don’t worry, if you’re trapped in a burning building, this firefighting teddy will save you.

Of course, while he may be saving people and fighting fires on the outside, inside his heart is on fire and burning for love and cuddles.

Of course, while he may be saving people and fighting fires on the outside, inside his heart is on fire and burning for love and cuddles.

63. This bear teacher is always well loved by the cubs she teaches.

Man, she wears a dress similar to what a lot my teachers did while I was at Mendon. Of course, she's much more adorable than any of them there.

Man, she wears a dress similar to what a lot my teachers did while I was at Mendon. Of course, she’s much more adorable than any of them there.

64. Now Old Red Furbart is said to be the fastest draw in the Old West.

Now this cowpoke seems to be quite fancy for a rodeo or a shoot out. Still, he does look cute in his red shirt and blue jeans even if you don't want a cow near him.

Now this cowpoke seems to be quite fancy for a rodeo or a shoot out. Still, he does look cute in his red shirt and blue jeans even if you don’t want a cow near him.

65. Nothing makes this snow bear more eager for winter than being able to use his cross country skis.

Of course, he may go try out his skies in the Rocky Mountains or at Seven Springs this year. Yet, he certainly looks so cute in his sunglasses and snow gear.

Of course, he may go try out his skies in the Rocky Mountains or at Seven Springs this year. Yet, he certainly looks so cute in his sunglasses and snow gear.

66. Now this is what I’d call a true honey bear.

Of course, this Teddy Bear is probably the only one you can possibly trust with a hive. Seriously, real bears rip these places apart for the honey.

Of course, this Teddy Bear is probably the only one you can possibly trust with a hive. Seriously, real bears rip these places apart for the honey.

67. This Cupid Teddy Bear will shoot arrows that will make you fall in love.

Of course, unlike the popular chubby winged baby images, Cupid in Classical mythology was a handsome young man barely out of his teens. Then again, I wonder if there's a Teddy Bear of Pysche.

Of course, unlike the popular chubby winged baby images, Cupid in Classical mythology was a handsome young man barely out of his teens. Then again, I wonder if there’s a Teddy Bear of Pysche.

68. Zombie Teddy Bear is hungry for your brains, heart, and hugs.

I don't know about you but I think this is probably a very funny Teddy Bear creation from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. Sure he'll probably turn you into something mindless and undead, but he's so irresistible to say the least.


I don’t know about you but I think this is probably a very funny Teddy Bear creation from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. Sure he’ll probably turn you into something mindless and undead, but he’s so irresistible to say the least.

69. As far as bears go, this one is certainly the Queen Bee of her castle.

She may be bossy but you have to love her beehive crown as well as black and yellow dress. I mean she's so cute that she might as well be sweet as honey. Yet, she may sting.

She may be bossy but you have to love her beehive crown as well as black and yellow dress. I mean she’s so cute that she might as well be sweet as honey. Yet, she may sting.

70. Of course, for this lender bear, everyone needs a bailout once in a while. Sort of.

Of course, this was a creation by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company in wake of the 2008 federal bailout to the jerks on Wall Street. I'm not sure that the money lent was ever paid back in full. Probably not.

Of course, this was a creation by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company in wake of the 2008 federal bailout to the jerks on Wall Street. I’m not sure that the money lent was ever paid back in full. Probably not.

71. Come and join Hugh Heffur and his den buddies at the Playbear Mansion.

Of course, Ted might've taught us that not all Teddy Bears are as sweet an wholesome as they're created to be. Still, I think this is kind of funny.

Of course, Ted might’ve taught us that not all Teddy Bears are as sweet an wholesome as they’re created to be. Still, I think this is kind of funny.

72. Ladies and Gentlemen, all hail, Her Royal Majesty Elizabearth II.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of the Queen of Great Britain in her royal regalia. And yeas, the crown does seem to be bigger than her head. Still, she's still so cute as a bear if you look at it.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of the Queen of Great Britain in her royal regalia. And yeas, the crown does seem to be bigger than her head. Still, she’s still so cute as a bear if you look at it.

73. This bad teddy was born to ride on the open road.

Now this bear looks adorably badass in his black leather, sunglasses, and denim. However, he forgot to follow one important lesson in safety which is to wear a helmet.

Now this bear looks adorably badass in his black leather, sunglasses, and denim. However, he forgot to follow one important lesson in safety which is to wear a helmet.

74. Now why don’t thee huggeth this adorable William Shakesbear?

“To bear, or not to bear, that is the question—
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Hives and Berries of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Claws against a Fleas of troubles,
And by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep—”

75. Legendary sleuth Furlock Holmes is on the case in A Study in Salmon.

Of course, in the original Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries, Sherlock Holmes didn't wear his tweed coat or his deerstalker cap he's seen with in the Basil Rathbone movies. However, he did smoke a pipe as well as got on Watson's nerves from time to time as an eccentric roommate on Baker Street.

Of course, in the original Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries, Sherlock Holmes didn’t wear his tweed coat or his deerstalker cap he’s seen with in the Basil Rathbone movies. However, he did smoke a pipe as well as got on Watson’s nerves from time to time as an eccentric roommate on Baker Street.

76. The crew of the Bear Trek Enterprise venture to seek new worlds and new civilizations as well as go where no bear has gone before.

No, the Spock Teddy Bear isn't a dog. He just has his ears turned pointy like a dog's because he's a Vulcan. Also, I wonder if Captain Kirk's bear has a thing for alien green bear girls or just girls in general.

No, the Spock Teddy Bear isn’t a dog. He just has his ears turned pointy like a dog’s because he’s a Vulcan (which you don’t want to see at Pon Pharr). Also, I wonder if Captain Kirk’s bear has a thing for alien green bear girls or just girls in general.

77. Now these three BDSM bears are certainly getting kinky downstairs.

Sure they may be adorable but these cute little Teddy Bears are certainly not for kids. Nevertheless, they're pretty funny in full gimp gear in all.

Sure they may be adorable but these cute little Teddy Bears are certainly not for kids. Nevertheless, they’re pretty funny in full gimp gear in all.

78. In his mask and cape, the legendary Zorro leaps in to save the day.

Yes, this swinging swashbuckler manages to outwit and disarm bad guys as well as steal your heart. Nevertheless, that outfit is simply adorable.

Yes, this swinging swashbuckler manages to outwit and disarm bad guys as well as steal your heart. Nevertheless, that outfit is simply adorable.

79. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the King of Rock n’ Roll, Elvis Bearsley.

Sure he may be in his

Sure he may be in his “Jailhouse Rock” phase. But after he gets married and joins the army, his days of Vegas as well as peanut butter and banana sandwiches won’t be far behind.

80. Though Christmas may be over for now, I couldn’t do a post without leaving out Santa and Mrs. Paws.

Of course, Santa and his wife are so iconic in stature that I couldn't just leave them out of this post, even if Christmas is over. Nevertheless, the really do make an adorable couple.

Of course, Santa and his wife are so iconic in stature that I couldn’t just leave them out of this post, even if Christmas is over. Nevertheless, the really do make an adorable couple.

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles for These Birthday Party Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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My birthday is on January 13th in which I’ll turn 25 this year and since I don’t have many ideas for January that involve cakes (save maybe Martin Luther King Jr. Day but I don’t want to go there), I thought a post about birthday cakes would be appropriate. I mean I’ve done one on baby shower and wedding cakes, so why not? Nevertheless, birthdays are usually celebrated with cakes and presents for the guest of honor at parties and such. Still, when you get technical about birthdays, you basically only have one of them such as the day you were born. The rest of what we call, “birthdays” are basically anniversaries of that moment as we get older. Of course, I’ve also been to a lot of birthday parties as well, mainly for little babies since I’m the oldest of 24 grandchildren on my mother’s side (the youngest who celebrated her first birthday this year, but I didn’t go to her party since she lives in Maryland), which is why I really don’t look forward to parties in general (other reasons being booze and loud music). Still, it’s always been tradition for people to have cakes specifically designed for them whether it be homemade or ordered from the store (the main focus of this post). And I bet birthday cakes make up a large percentage of bakeries’ earnings followed by weddings, christenings, anniversaries, etc. Though I can go on and on about the cute little birthday cakes I’ve seen, chances are you’d probably be bored to tears. Instead, I’ll show you all the kinds of cakes that are, horribly done, inappropriate for the birthday person’s age, offensive, or just so bad they’re unintentionally funny. Some of these might not be safe for work just to make that clear. So for your pleasure, here are some birthday cakes, gone horribly wrong.

1. What better cake for a boy’s birthday than a Star Wars one, featuring Jedi with light sabers, Boba Fett, Imperial Stormtroopers, and the Enterprise?

Let's hope this 7-year-old boy isn't part of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek fandom rivalry or else he's probably throw a tantrum. Still, we all should know that the Enterprise is from a whole different franchise! Such cake would certainly piss geeks off, at Comic Con and I'm sure this baker wouldn't want to be seen there.

Let’s hope this 7-year-old boy isn’t part of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek fandom rivalry or else he’s probably throw a tantrum. Still, we all should know that the Enterprise is from a whole different franchise! Such cake would certainly piss geeks off, at Comic Con and I’m sure this baker wouldn’t want to be seen there.

2. Nothing is better for a girl’s 21st birthday than a cake with Drunk Barbie puking in the toilet.

And I thought Barbie was supposed to be a good role model for girls, other than in terms of body image that is. Still, binge drinking is a real problem of teenagers and young adults, especially on college campuses. And it's a behavior that should never be encouraged. Still, they have a few of these and one with Ken, too, for boys.

And I thought Barbie was supposed to be a good role model for girls, other than in terms of body image that is. Still, binge drinking is a real problem of teenagers and young adults, especially on college campuses. And it’s a behavior that should never be encouraged. Still, they have a few of these and one with Ken, too, for boys.

3. Happy Birthday to the world’s youngest dad ever.

Now I think it's more likely that this was an inscriber's mistake and the guy who receives this is probably 80, not 8. Still, it's very disturbing if you think about it since a boy's chances of fatherhood in the second grade would be highly unlikely. That is, unless some woman molested him.

Now I think it’s more likely that this was an inscriber’s mistake and the guy who receives this is probably 80, not 8. Still, it’s very disturbing if you think about it since a boy’s chances of fatherhood in the second grade would be highly unlikely. That is, unless some woman molested him.

4. Happy birthday to the person who might need to see a podiatrist.

I know that this foot is supposed to represent a step or something. But still, that looks disgusting. Let's just say no to a cake pertaining to foot disease, shall we?

I know that this foot is supposed to represent a step or something. But still, that looks disgusting. Let’s just say no to a cake pertaining to foot disease, shall we?

5. For the girl who’s just become a teenager, I suppose a cake with boobs would go quite nicely.

For God's sake, as if sexualizing young girls and teenagers isn't enough. Seriously, sure girls may have breasts by the time they're 13, but that's no reason for getting a boob cake for them on their 13th birthdays! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl's parents?

For God’s sake, as if sexualizing young girls and teenagers isn’t enough. Seriously, sure girls may have breasts by the time they’re 13, but that’s no reason for getting a boob cake for them on their 13th birthdays! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl’s parents?

6. There is a no more appropriate cake for a 16-year old than one with the Bud Light logo on it….when he or she turns 21 five years later.

Seriously, what the fuck? Putting a Bud Light logo for a 16 year old's birthday cake? Teen drinking is illegal and anyone caught with a Bud Light gets arrested for under aged drinking. It's even worse for adults who serve alcohol to teens. For God's sake, why?

Seriously, what the fuck? Putting a Bud Light logo for a 16 year old’s birthday cake? Teen drinking is illegal and anyone caught with a Bud Light gets arrested for under aged drinking. It’s even worse for adults who serve alcohol to teens. For God’s sake, why?

7. Happy 17th birthday, baby girl, and hope you don’t go into labor at prom.

Those who've seen my post on baby shower cakes would be familiar with this design. And if a pregnant torso cake is bad enough for a baby shower, then one for girl's 17th birthday is just very inappropriate. Seriously, we have 16 and Pregnant, daytime talk shows, and Teen Mom, do we have to have anything else pertaining to teen pregnancy?

Those who’ve seen my post on baby shower cakes would be familiar with this design, which I thought was in very poor taste. And if a pregnant torso cake is bad enough for a baby shower, then one for girl’s 17th birthday is just very inappropriate. Seriously, we have 16 and Pregnant, sex ed, daytime talk shows, and Teen Mom, do we have to have anything else pertaining to teen pregnancy?

8. Sure I’m perfectly fine with a castle cake for a little girl’s birthday party, especially if it has a princess theme. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, perhaps this cake isn't appropriate for Aubrie's birthday party and perhaps more suitable for her bachelorette party when she gets older. Seriously, there's just something phallic about those pink castle towers for some reason. Maybe the baker shouldn't have gone with cones.

Then again, perhaps this cake isn’t appropriate for Aubrie’s birthday party and perhaps more suitable for her bachelorette party when she gets older. Seriously, there’s just something phallic about those pink castle towers for some reason. Maybe the baker shouldn’t have gone with cones.

9. Happy 4th Birthday, Dylan, and by the way, we had Peanut put down.

The parents probably thought their plan was a success since their son Dylan still hadn't learned to read. But still, if Peanut had died when Dylan turned 5, then he probably would've ran out of the room crying. Nevertheless, is there any birthday cake for a 4-year-old more depressing than this?

The parents probably thought their plan was a success since their son Dylan still hadn’t learned to read. But still, if Peanut had died when Dylan turned 5, then he probably would’ve ran out of the room crying. Nevertheless, is there any birthday cake for a 4-year-old more depressing than this?

10. Happy Birthday, to uh, what’s his name again?

Of course, if you're the person at the office who has to order a cake for a co-worker and you can't remember his or her name, then this is the perfect cake for you.

Of course, if you’re the person at the office who has to order a cake for a co-worker and you can’t remember his or her name, then this is the perfect cake for you.

11. Nothing makes a better birthday cake for a 6-year-old girl than one with a lot of dangerous weapons that can kill you, courtesy of the NRA.

Why the fuck would anybody order a birthday cake like that for a little girl? Now gender differences aside, I think a cake pertaining to Disney Princesses, Barbie, or My Little Pony would've been more appropriate. Also, cakes that look pink and feminine as well as catered to little girls. Any of those choices would've been much more appropriate than having a theme for a little girl's cake that advocates violence. I just wonder what's going through Mercedes' parents' minds.

Why the fuck would anybody order a birthday cake like that for a little girl? Now I have nothing against this cake being for a girl. Yet, I think a cake pertaining to Disney Princesses, Barbie, or My Little Pony would’ve done fine (same goes for boys as well). Also, cakes that look pink and feminine as well as catered to little girls (though if boys like that, that’s okay, too). Any of those choices would’ve been much more appropriate for any 6 year old’s cake than a theme advocating violence. I just wonder what’s going through Mercedes’ parents’ minds (NRA diehards who probably did this to show their support for the 2nd Amendment, assholes). This is just fucking insane!

12. Of course, what better venue could there be for a baby’s first birthday than Hooters?

Jesus Christ, can there be a worse place to celebrate a baby's first birthday than at a restaurant known for their scantily clad waitresses with enhanced sex appeal? Then again, there are strip clubs and night clubs. Still, just E. J. is the child of one of the staff.

Jesus Christ, can there be a worse place to celebrate a baby’s first birthday than at a restaurant known for their scantily clad waitresses with enhanced sex appeal? Then again, there are strip clubs and night clubs. Still, just E. J. is the child of one of the staff.

13. No cake theme commemorates a baby’s first birthday better than deer hunting season.

Sure the scenery may be pretty and S. J. won't remember a thing about this special day. But, c'mon, is a cake depicting the last moments of a buck's life an appropriate subject for a first birthday cake? Perhaps it would be better just to remove the hunter.

Sure the scenery may be pretty and S. J. won’t remember a thing about this special day. But, c’mon, is a cake depicting the last moments of a buck’s life an appropriate subject for a first birthday cake? Perhaps it would be better just to remove the hunter.

14. Man, turning a year old must be a big milestone in a person’s life isn’t it?

If by, Levi, you mean your pet hamster, then yes, I'm sure this will do fine since they only live for 2-4 years anyway. However, if by Levi, you mean your child, then what the hell? One year olds are still babies who might be on the verge of walking if they aren't all ready. That isn't over the hill at all. Not even close. That's barely climbing it.

If by, Levi, you mean your pet hamster, then yes, I’m sure this will do fine since they only live for 2-4 years anyway. However, if by Levi, you mean your child, then what the hell? One year olds are still babies who might be on the verge of walking if they aren’t all ready. That isn’t over the hill at all. Not even close even for Benjamin Button. That’s barely climbing it.

15. Happy second, I mean first birthday little Ritchie. I’m confused.

Maybe the boy's parents couldn't get a cake shaped like a 1 so they got him a 2 cake instead. Either that, or the bakers made a mistake. Still, talk about getting your years mixed up.

Maybe the boy’s parents couldn’t get a cake shaped like a 1 so they got him a 2 cake instead. Either that, or the bakers made a mistake. Still, talk about getting your years mixed up.

16. Now this is certainly a first birthday cake with a 1 on it or so it’s suppose to be.

Okay, now that may not look like a 1. Seriously, there's something phallic about that number for some reason. Nevertheless, if a baker can't do a 1 properly, he or she could just have cut a straight line. This cake seems like it's more cut out for a bachelorette party than a baby one.

Okay, now that may not look like a 1. Seriously, there’s something phallic about that number for some reason. Nevertheless, if a baker can’t do a 1 properly, he or she could just have cut a straight line. This cake seems like it’s more cut out for a bachelorette party than a baby one.

17. Best wishes for your second birthday, John, courtesy of angry Big Bird.

If Sesame Street's Big Bird was a character from the Angry Birds game, he'd look like this. Seriously, that's such a a terrible rendition and I'm sure every 2 year old would know that Big Bird doesn't look like that.

If Sesame Street’s Big Bird was a character from the Angry Birds game, he’d look like this. Seriously, that’s such a a terrible rendition and I’m sure every 2 year old would know that Big Bird doesn’t look like that.

18. Hope your birthday is filled with high times, Tawn.

If this cake is made from hashish brownies, then it's safe to say that it probably came from a marijuana bakery from Colorado or Washington. Still, other than the brown patch in the corner, it's a birthday cake Willie Nelson would approve.

If this cake is made from hashish brownies, then it’s safe to say that it probably came from a marijuana bakery from Colorado or Washington. Still, other than the brown patch in the corner, it’s a birthday cake Willie Nelson would approve. Hope the guests manage to toke a piece from this pastry of weed.

19. Happy Birthday, Mel, from your defecating My Little Pony.

Seems that Rarity doesn't take too well to Mexican food for some reason. Either that, or she has a case for diarrhea real bad with a perhaps spastic colon. Guess she should go see the vet about that.

Seems that Rarity (and I had to look her name up) doesn’t take too well to Mexican food for some reason. Either that, or she has a case for diarrhea real bad with a perhaps spastic colon. Guess she should go see the vet about that. Yet, her shitting is a rarity, folks.

19. Of course, you can’t throw a kid’s birthday party without a cake of Cookie Monster having a beer.

Sure cookies may not be nutritious snacks, but at least they're better for Cookie Monster to consume on a child's birthday cake than a swig of beer. Seriously, Cookie Monster's alcohol consumption really isn't making him a good role model on Sesame Street. Still, I kind of wish Cooke Monster would go back to eating cookies.

Sure cookies may not be nutritious snacks, but at least they’re better for Cookie Monster to consume on a child’s birthday cake than a swig of beer. Seriously, Cookie Monster’s alcohol consumption really isn’t making him a good role model on Sesame Street. Still, I kind of wish Cooke Monster would go back to eating cookies. And is that pink spot a nipple? Gross!

20. Happy a-5th Birthday, Tony, courtesy of the 1970s porn incarnation of Mario.

Sure Mario may be wearing overalls, but this isn't really a picture of him I'd like to see on a child's birthday cake, especially for a 5-year-old. Still, Princess Peach must've thought Mario looked sexy in that outfit.

Sure Mario may be wearing overalls, but this isn’t really a picture of him I’d like to see on a child’s birthday cake, especially for a 5-year-old. Still, Princess Peach must’ve thought Mario looked sexy in that outfit.

21. Happy 40th birthday, Shelley, from the Dominatrix Hello Kitty.

This is the kind of birthday cake you give to a woman who has a thing for Hello Kitty as well as the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. What would even be funnier would be if Hello Kitty was with a grey Tomcat in this one. Nevertheless, unlike some of the other cakes so far, this is at least age appropriate despite its disturbing implications.

This is the kind of birthday cake you give to a woman who has a thing for Hello Kitty as well as the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. What would even be funnier would be if Hello Kitty was with a grey Tomcat in this one. Nevertheless, unlike some of the other cakes so far, this is at least age appropriate and doesn’t promote bad behavior despite its disturbing implications.

22. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one depicting a standing 2 legged horse with chainsaws.

If Leatherface wanted a pony when he was growing up, this bronco would've been perfect. Still, whoever came up with this idea must not have been right in the head to say the least. That, or probably thought a cake with a horse and chainsaws would've been cool.

If Leatherface wanted a pony when he was growing up, this bronco would’ve been perfect. Still, whoever came up with this idea must not have been right in the head to say the least. That, or probably thought a cake with a horse and chainsaws would’ve been cool.

23. You see, kids, unicorns do expel rainbows from their behinds.

Of course, we all know that horses shit a lot, do we? Still, unlike the boob cake, this is certainly appropriate for a 13 year old girl. Disgusting, but appropriate.

Of course, we all know that horses shit a lot, do we? Still, unlike the boob cake, this is certainly appropriate for a 13 year old girl. Disgusting, but appropriate.

24. Nothing says, “Happy Birthday” better for a girl than a dangerous impaling unicorn on the rampage.

Still, while the other unicorn cake was probably accidental in the design, this one was probably done on purpose. I'm sure Katherine isn't a young girl in the least. Still, despite being traumatizing to kids, it's pretty funny.

Still, while the other unicorn cake was probably accidental in the design, this one was probably done on purpose. I’m sure Katherine isn’t a young girl in the least. Still, despite being traumatizing to kids, it’s pretty funny.

25. Happy Birthday, Scott, from Shitting Bull.

Of course, with Scott being at least a teenager, I'm sure he'd find a cake like this hilarious. Seriously, there's a lot of bathroom humor on Comedy Central, which is a channel popular for boys his age.

Of course, with Scott being at least a teenager, I’m sure he’d find a cake like this hilarious. Seriously, there’s a lot of bathroom humor on Comedy Central, which is a channel popular for boys his age.

26. Of course, for a 4 year old girl, you can’t go wrong with a horse cake.

Man, that horse sure looks creepy and it doesn't seem in the mood for sugar cubes. Perhaps it's after little girls' souls.

Man, that horse sure looks creepy and it doesn’t seem in the mood for sugar cubes. Perhaps it’s after little girls’ souls. Still, at least it doesn’t look like it’s from The Godfather.

27. Now this would be a perfect cake for someone in the exterminating business.

Then again, the dead hamster on its wheel kind of suggests that it wasn't ordered by a person who had much esteem for the guest of honor. In fact, he or she is probably someone who let the other person watch their pet hamster who died while he or she was on vacation. Still, it's possible that the hamster probably was 2-4 years old and died of natural causes.

Then again, the dead hamster on its wheel kind of suggests that it wasn’t ordered by a person who had much esteem for the guest of honor. In fact, he or she is probably someone who let the other person watch their pet hamster who died while he or she was on vacation. Still, it’s possible that the hamster probably was 2-4 years old and died of natural causes.

28. Looks like somebody doesn’t like Jarman.

This cake was supposed to say, "Happy Birthday, Jarman/You're an ace." Guess that someone really doesn't know the difference between "ass" or "ace" or the person ordering it just had really bad handwriting.

This cake was supposed to say, “Happy Birthday, Jarman/You’re an ace.” Guess that someone really doesn’t know the difference between “ass” or “ace” or the person ordering it just had really bad handwriting.

29. Of course, when it comes to little girl birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with Disney Princesses.

Okay, some baker managed to make many of the Disney princesses I grew up with seem strangely terrifying for some reason. Seriously, these look so freaky looking.

Okay, some baker managed to make many of the Disney princesses I grew up with seem strangely terrifying for some reason. Seriously, these look so freaky looking.

30. Happy 3rd Birthday, Princess Alyssa, from drunken skank whore Belle.

Man, and I thought Belle was supposed to be one of the best role models of all the Disney Princesses, sans the Stockholm Syndrome involved. Not to mention, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a little girl. My childhood is ruined.

Man, and I thought Belle was supposed to be one of the best role models of all the Disney Princesses, sans the Stockholm Syndrome involved. Not to mention, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a little girl. My childhood is ruined.

31. Now perhaps Snow White is a safe cake idea. What can go wrong with her?

Yikes! For God's sake what's with the hand coming out from her dress? Seriously, that's just terrifying if you ask me. That's not normal at all.

Yikes! For God’s sake what’s with the hand coming out from her dress? Seriously, that’s just terrifying if you ask me. That’s not normal at all.

32. Okay, so perhaps a princess birthday cake doesn’t need to be from Disney then.

So I suppose that this is the princess from "The Frog Prince" story transformed into a menacing evil sorceress. Then again, from what I read about it, the frog was kind of an asshole who thought she owed him sex after he found her golden ball from the well.

So I suppose that this is the princess from “The Frog Prince” story transformed into a menacing evil sorceress. Then again, from what I read about it, the frog was kind of an asshole who thought she owed him sex after he found her golden ball from the well.

33. Happy Birthday, to the unemployed 34-year-old person who hasn’t moved out of his or parents’ house yet.

Even funnier is that hist cake is decorated with a pacifier and Barbie rings. Still, the message is kind of sad yet fairly funny at the same time.

Even funnier is that hist cake is decorated with a pacifier and Barbie rings. Still, the message is kind of sad yet fairly funny at the same time.

35. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one depicting a person guillotining him or herself.

Then again, Neil may just be a professor of history who's area of expertise is the French Revolution. Still, quite gory if you ask me and very likely to traumatize children.

Then again, Neil may just be a professor of history who’s area of expertise is the French Revolution. Still, quite gory if you ask me and guaranteed to traumatize children.

36. Now what better cake for a 4 year old boy than one depicting his favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? What can possibly go wrong with that?

Seems like life hasn't been going too well for Leonardo. Yet, why try to stab himself in the head for God's sake? Still, better call the suicidal hotline, pronto.

Seems like life hasn’t been going too well for Leonardo. Yet, why try to stab himself in the head for God’s sake? Still, better call the suicidal hotline, pronto.

37. A Buzz Lightyear cake. Surely, nothing bad can happen here.

Okay, so is Buzz Lightyear supposed to be an Egyptian Pharaoh or a space explorer. Having seen Toy Story, I'd say space explorer but he looks pretty stiff like a Pharaoh's sarcophagus.

Okay, so is Buzz Lightyear supposed to be an Egyptian Pharaoh or a space explorer. Having seen Toy Story, I’d say space explorer but he looks pretty stiff like a Pharaoh’s sarcophagus.

38. I’m sure a 3-year-old would delight in this Dora the Explorer cake.

Okay, so this baker seems to have done the unthinkable. Make the adorable Dora the Explorer utterly terrifying through the motif of of Pre-Columbian art or just plain terrible artistry. Still, this cake is bound to give little Lily nightmares when she sees this. Jesus Christ.

Okay, so this baker seems to have done the unthinkable. Make the adorable Dora the Explorer utterly terrifying through the motif of of Pre-Columbian art or just plain terrible artistry. Still, this cake is bound to give little Lily nightmares when she sees this. Jesus Christ.

39. Of course, clowns are often a theme of many kids’ cakes. Apparently parents seem to find them acceptable decor for some reason. Let’s see how this one figures out.

Actually I think clowns are quite freaky, lame, and perhaps scary. Unsurprisingly, I find this horrifying for obvious reasons. May lead any small child into a lifetime of therapy.

Actually I think clowns are quite freaky, lame, and perhaps scary. Unsurprisingly, I find this horrifying for obvious reasons. May lead any small child into a lifetime of therapy.

40. Now I’m sure a caterpillar is perfect for a baby’s first birthday cake. Nothing can go wrong with that.

Now I don't know about you but that is perhaps the scariest caterpillar I've ever seen. Makes me unlikely to want to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar ever again.

Now I don’t know about you but that is perhaps the scariest caterpillar I’ve ever seen. Makes me unlikely to want to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar ever again.

41. Oh, boy, a baseball cake. Perhaps there may be some scandals with steroid use in the MLB but I’m sure this is a perfectly appropriate cake theme for a boy’s birthday.

Okay, that now that long phallic thing certainly looks woody but it in now way resembles a baseball bat to me. Yet, I'm not sure if this 6-year-old birthday boy seems to notice. If he does, then he might find it funny.

Okay, that now that long phallic log certainly looks woody and hard but it in now way resembles a baseball bat to me. Yet, I’m not sure if this 6-year-old birthday boy seems to notice. If he does, then he might find it funny. Not sure if it would hit a home run with the parents though.

42. Now I’m sure a bear won’t do any harm for a baby boy’s first birthday cake.

For those who've learned how to write in cursive, you'd know exactly why I included this cake on this post. By the way, the boy''s name in question is supposed to be, "Tucker." Yeah. The bear is fine, by the way.

For those who’ve learned how to write in cursive, you’d know exactly why I included this cake on this post. By the way, the boy”s name in question is supposed to be, “Tucker.” Yeah. The bear is fine, by the way.

43. Happy first Birthday, Vanessa, from the homicidal giraffe.

I know that's just red icing but it just reminds me of blood for some reason. Also, that giraffe is utterly terrifying if you ask me. Yes, he's out to kill and he will find you!

I know that’s just red icing but it just reminds me of blood for some reason. Also, that giraffe is utterly terrifying if you ask me. Yes, he’s out to kill and he will find you!

44. Superheroes are certainly a decent party theme for boy’s birthdays at any age, even if it’s Marvel’s Avengers.

Still, if your son is turning 3, perhaps a cake depicting Thor's hammer isn't a good idea. I mean there's a chance that Mjolnir might have the tendency to resemble male genitalia. Just saying.

Still, if your son is turning 3, perhaps a cake depicting Thor’s hammer isn’t a good idea. I mean there’s a chance that Mjolnir might have the tendency to resemble male genitalia. Just saying.

45. If you’re kid likes marine life, a fish cake is certainly a decent choice.

Nevertheless, if you present a cake like this to little Tyler it's very likely he's going to cry if he knows about fish corpses floating at the surface upside down. Seriously, unless the parents turn the fish around, this is a pretty sad birthday cake for children. I mean birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, not reminding kids of death.

Nevertheless, if you present a cake like this to little Tyler it’s very likely he’s going to cry if he knows about fish corpses floating at the surface upside down. Seriously, unless the parents turn the fish around, this is a pretty sad birthday cake for children. I mean birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, not reminding kids of death.

46. I think it’s rather nice for 6 year old Jeff to show his feminine side.

Actually this cake is for a little 6 year old girl named Jess. Yeah, I have no idea how any decorator could make that mistake, especially on a birthday cake that's obviously for a girl. I mean Jeff is definitely a boy's name.

Actually this cake is for a little 6 year old girl named Jess. Yeah, I have no idea how any decorator could make that mistake, especially on a birthday cake that’s obviously for a girl. I mean Jeff is definitely a boy’s name.

47. As I know from watching my cousins grow up, Thomas the Tank Engine is very popular. Nonetheless, he’s become a viable birthday theme for young boys.

Seems that Thomas is very keen on running somebody over right now. Seriously, his eyes have this kind of a possessed look like a serial killer intent on killing somebody for the thrill of it all.

Seems that Thomas is very keen on running somebody over right now. Seriously, his eyes have this kind of a possessed look like a serial killer intent on killing somebody for the thrill of it all.

48. Now lighthouses make great picturesque sights in photos and paintings. So it’s only natural they should be on birthday cakes.

Seems like Billy Joel wasn't the only one working with the rod and the reel in "Downeaster Alexa." And if you saw this cake, you can even say it glows.

Seems like Billy Joel wasn’t the only one working with the rod and the reel in “Downeaster Alexa.” At least you don’t need to tell this baker’s wife he’s trawling Atlantis but I’m not sure he has his hands on the wheel.

49. Happy Birthday Jamie sponsored by Chevron, the company fracking land in my neighborhood (bastards).

Of course, the person who ordered this cake, wanted a chevron shape on this cake since the recipient is in the military. Instead, they got a a Big Oil company logo that's now causing widespread environmental damage. Not to mention, it's known for apologizing for a devastating gas well explosion to Greene County by giving them coupons for pizza and pop. Seriously, look it up.

Of course, the person who ordered this cake, wanted a chevron shape on this cake since the recipient is in the military. Instead, they got a a Big Oil company logo that’s now causing widespread environmental damage. Not to mention, it’s known for apologizing for a devastating gas explosion to Greene County by giving them coupons for pizza and pop. Lamest apology ever. Seriously, this really happened.

50. Of course, nothing says, “Happy Birthday” better than a cake of a headless woman in a poodle skirt.

Sure this cake won't frighten the kids, honestly. Yeah, right. Still, this woman is said to be a direct descendant of the Headless Horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

Sure this cake won’t frighten the kids, honestly. Yeah, right. Still, this woman is said to be a direct descendant of the Headless Horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

51. Now while Barney the Purple Dinosaur makes adults want to scream, he should be perfect for a child’s 4th birthday cake.

I have to admit, this ferocious Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually kind of cool as well as an improvement to the original. However, this incarnation might make little Patrick pee his pants upon sight. But still, I can't blame the baker.

I have to admit, this ferocious Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually kind of cool as well as an improvement to the original. However, this incarnation might make little Patrick pee his pants upon sight. But still, I can’t blame the baker.

52. Of course, when it comes to fairy tale themes on kids’ cakes, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with “The Three Little Pigs.”

On second thought, maybe "The Three Little Pigs" wasn't a good idea for 5-year-old Phillipas birthday cake. Yes, the Big Bad Wolf chasing his bacon will probably cause little kids nightmares. Of course, in the original version, he eats the first 2.

On second thought, maybe “The Three Little Pigs” wasn’t a good idea for 5-year-old Phillipas birthday cake. Yes, the Big Bad Wolf chasing his bacon will probably cause little kids nightmares. Of course, in the original version, he eats the first 2.

53. Of course, nothing commemorates a boy’s first birthday than a cake with elephants.

Oh, my God, have I ever seen a first birthday cake so depressing as this? I mean the elephants on this cake look as if they're all dead. Seriously, a first birthday cake is no platform to protest the black market ivory trade that funds terrorism and hurts the environment. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this decorator?

Oh, my God, have I ever seen a first birthday cake so depressing as this? I mean the elephants on this cake look as if they’re all dead. Seriously, a first birthday cake is no platform to protest the black market ivory trade that funds terrorism and hurts the environment. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this decorator?

54. Of course, when it comes to birthday cakes, some decorators follow order directions to perfection.

Then there are some cake decorators who write on the cakes everything they heard on the phone as well. Still, at least this one followed directions, but maybe a little overboard.

Then there are some cake decorators who write on the cakes everything they heard on the phone as well. Still, at least this one followed directions, but maybe a little overboard.

55. Of course, birthday cakes aren’t always for kids. This one is for an older guy as seen by the wheelchair.

Okay, I'm not sure why they call a wheelchair bound guy "Chucknuts" and I really don't want to know. Then again, this could just be for a party with the guy's friends, not his grandchildren.

Okay, I’m not sure why they call a wheelchair bound guy “Chucknuts” and I really don’t want to know. Then again, this could just be for a party with the guy’s friends, not his grandchildren.

56. For a 4-year-old girl, you can’t go wrong with just a standard cake with flowers.

Sure the yellow flowers are pretty, but wait a minute. What the hell is a burning house doing here for God's sake? Still, I'm sure it won't traumatize little Isabella. Yeah right.

Sure the yellow flowers are pretty, but wait a minute. What the hell is a burning house doing here for God’s sake? Still, I’m sure it won’t traumatize little Isabella. Yeah right.

57. For a young boy, I’m sure this shorts cake will do quite nicely.

There's something rising from this cake's shorts. And as I can see it from the candles, Eamon is at least 8 years old. And a Joe Boxer cake is certainly not appropriate for a boy that age. Basically the boy's version of the boob cake. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

There’s something rising from this cake’s shorts. And as I can see it from the candles, Eamon is at least 8 years old. And a Joe Boxer cake is certainly not appropriate for a boy that age. Basically the boy’s version of the boob cake. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

58. Happy 7th Birthday, Kailey, and by the way, you’re going to die.

I know we must all die someday. But is really all right to bring this up on a 7-year-old girl's birthday cake? Sure she may have a birthday near Halloween but still. I'm not sure a tombstone cake is a good idea.

I know we must all die someday. But is really all right to bring this up on a 7-year-old girl’s birthday cake? Sure she may have a birthday near Halloween but still. I’m not sure a tombstone cake is a good idea.

59. Looks like somebody’s holding a grudge here.

Okay, let's just hope this cake isn't at some party with the guest of honor surrounded by friends and family. Because that would be bad. And let's just say, this is about as inappropriate as they come.

Okay, let’s just hope this cake isn’t at some party with the guest of honor surrounded by friends and family. Because that would be bad. And let’s just say, this is about as inappropriate as they come.

60. Nevertheless, you can’t go wrong with space aliens here, especially when it pertains to a 2-year-old’s birthday.

Now the space aliens on this cake are find. It's just that the cake decorator seemed to think their faces were upside down, and thus that's why the writing is what it is. Still, the kid's 2 so it's not like he'll notice anyway.

Now the space aliens on this cake are find. It’s just that the cake decorator seemed to think their faces were upside down, and thus that’s why the writing is what it is. Still, the kid’s 2 so it’s not like he’ll notice anyway.

61. Happy Birthday….or not.

Seriously, if you were going to stage an intervention about someone's drinking problem, I'd sure as hell wouldn't think writing it on the cake is a good idea. Just saying.

Seriously, if you were going to stage an intervention about someone’s drinking problem, I’d sure as hell wouldn’t think writing it on the cake is a good idea. Just saying.

62. Seems like Kathy isn’t well liked by those who are supposed to love her. So sad.

According to the candle count, it's possible that Kathy is 4 years old. It may not be the case, but if she is, chances are she'll probably throw a tantrum at her party, if she's able to read it.

According to the candle count, it’s possible that Kathy is 4 years old. It may not be the case, but if she is, chances are she’ll probably throw a tantrum at her party, if she’s able to read it. Still, that’s pretty cruel.

63. Some cake decorators follow directions all too well, while others not in the intended context.

Of course, who ever ordered this birthday cake severely overestimated the cake decorator's intelligence. Seriously, the person just wrote, "the picture is in the flash drive" instead of getting the picture from the flash drive.

Of course, who ever ordered this birthday cake severely overestimated the cake decorator’s intelligence. Seriously, the person just wrote, “the picture is on the flash drive” instead of getting the picture from the flash drive.

64. Sure a donkey birthday cake is a splendid idea. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.

Let's just say, you probably don't want to invite this cake decorator to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I mean even if he or she doesn't have blind fold, they still don't have any idea where a donkey's tail should be.

Let’s just say, you probably don’t want to invite this cake decorator to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I mean even if he or she doesn’t have blind fold, they still don’t have any idea where a donkey’s tail should be.

65. Of course, for ladies who enjoy sleazy Harlequin Romance novels, I’m sure a shirtless guy taking his pants off would just be the perfect cake for you.

Oh, no. Just no. Please, I'd perfectly fine if that cake was for a woman but Tracy is supposed to be a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, couldn't her parents just order a cake with The Hunger Games theme instead? At least that would've been more appropriate since the books are in the Young Adult genre.

Oh, no. Just no. Please, I’d perfectly fine if that cake was for a woman but Tracy is supposed to be a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, couldn’t her parents just order a cake with The Hunger Games theme instead? At least that would’ve been more appropriate since the books are in the Young Adult genre.

66. Now that Ashley has turned 18, she can start buying menthols for the whole family.

Seriously, just because a someone's able to buy cigarettes after they turn 18, doesn't mean a cigarette themed cake is a good idea. In fact, it's certainly not. I mean tobacco addiction is a worldwide health issue, which kills people every day from respiratory disease, cancer, COPD, emphysema. and other wonderful chronic and life threatening ailments.

Seriously, just because a someone’s able to buy cigarettes after they turn 18, doesn’t mean a cigarette themed cake is a good idea since tobacco kills a third of its users. In fact, it’s certainly not. I mean tobacco addiction is a worldwide health issue, which kills people every day from respiratory disease, cancer, COPD, emphysema. and other wonderful chronic and life threatening ailments.

67. Happy 20th Birthday, alleged teen dad.

This may either be an anniversary cake or a birthday cake with a typo. Either way, the 20th doesn't glowingly reflect his parenting skills. Seriously, most 20-year-old dads are either deadbeats or don't even know they are dads in the first place. Sure there may be some responsible dads that age, but they're a rarity.

This may either be a wedding anniversary cake or a birthday cake with a typo. Either way, the 20th doesn’t glowingly reflect his parenting skills. Seriously, most 20-year-old dads are either deadbeats or don’t even know they are dads in the first place. Sure there may be some responsible dads that age, but they’re a rarity.

68. If you have any Republicans in your family, celebrate their birthdays with a one of a kind Ronald Reagan cake.

Now I am not a fan of Ronald Reagan and don't think of him as a great president (in truth I view him as quite the opposite). However, I understand that many Republicans view him on the same level of Jesus for some reason. Nevertheless, even if you know a Republican who has a birthday, you probably want to keep politics out of it. Seriously, such subject can really ruin a party.

Now I am not a fan of Ronald Reagan and don’t think of him as a great president (in truth I view him as quite the opposite). However, I understand that many Republicans view him on the same level of Jesus for some reason. Nevertheless, even if you know a Republican who has a birthday, you probably want to keep politics out of it. Seriously, such subject can really ruin a party.

69. Happy 9th Birthday, sweetie, courtesy of Pedobear.

Okay, I know Pedobear is a character used to detect and make fun of pedophiles on the internet. However, this doesn't mean he's the kind of character you'd want on a 9-year-old's cake. Also, "herd" should be "heard."

Okay, I know Pedobear is a character used to detect and make fun of pedophiles on the internet. However, this doesn’t mean he’s the kind of character you’d want on a 9-year-old’s cake. Also, “herd” should be “heard.”

70. Now I have no problem with Spiderman being on a boy’s birthday cake since they love superheros.

Peter Parker, I know you're probably a young man. However, maybe it's not a good idea to twerk in front of kids, especially in your Spiderman suit. Okay?

Peter Parker, I know you’re probably a nice young man who the kids view as a role model. However, maybe it’s not a good idea to twerk in front of kids, especially in your Spiderman suit. Okay?

71. Of course, if you don’t think icing is a good idea for letters, maybe you should go with sugar letters seen at any grocery store.

Now seriously, that's a really mean thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially on his or her birthday. I mean the kid's most likely in kindergarten for God's sake, even if that may be true.

Now seriously, that’s a really mean thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially on his or her birthday. I mean the kid’s most likely in kindergarten for God’s sake, even if that may be true.

72. When it comes to boys, I’m sure a birthday cake theme of his favorite video game will do no harm.

Unless it's a Grand Theft Auto cake for a 4-year-old. I mean that game is rated M for Mature due to violence and adult content. Seriously, this cake is not appropriate for a 4-year-old all. Nevertheless, what does a cake like this say about Lil' Derrick's parents for God's sake?

Unless it’s a Grand Theft Auto cake for a 4-year-old. I mean that game is rated M for Mature due to violence and adult content. Seriously, this cake is not appropriate for a 4-year-old all. Nevertheless, what does a cake like this say about Lil’ Derrick’s parents for God’s sake?

73. Now that this guy has turned 21, he can finally have a birthday cake of a stripper butt and a glass of beer.

Now just because turning 2l makes a guy legally eligible to enter a strip club or drink, doesn't mean you should commemorate that eligibility with a birthday cake. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys who are probably not into strip clubs anyway. Nevertheless, wouldn't be surprised if this cake was made for a frat boy.

Now just because turning 21 makes a guy legally eligible to enter a strip club or drink, doesn’t mean you should commemorate that eligibility with a birthday cake. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys who are probably not into strip clubs anyway. Nevertheless, wouldn’t be surprised if this cake was made for a frat boy or NCAA Division I college athlete.

74. Sure a baby picture cake seems like a cute and wholesome idea.

Okay, now that's a baby is just creepy. And even if Kelly looked like that, she was probably cuter. This baby seems like it wants to suck the soul out every person she encounters.

Okay, now that’s a baby is just creepy. And even if Kelly looked like that, she was probably cuter. This baby seems like it wants to suck the soul out every person she encounters.

75. Now I may not like Playboy, but I see nothing wrong with having a Playboy cake for a grown man’s birthday.

Jesus Christ! This is for a 12-year-old girl, which is just wrong. Seriously, now I have nothing against Holly having a bunny cake for her birthday. But a Playboy Bunny cake, well, that's just inappropriate on many levels.

Jesus Christ! This is for a 12-year-old girl, which is just wrong. Seriously, now I have nothing against Holly having a bunny cake for her birthday. But a Playboy Bunny cake, well, that’s just inappropriate on many levels. I wonder why her parents would even think of  ordering this.

76. Of course, when it comes to big birthday parties, sometimes 2 cakes are  better than one.

You'd think this is for a mother's 30th birthday party. Yet, when you see the other cake, turns out it's actually for her 60th. Nevertheless, pretty mean if you ask me.

You’d think this is for a mother’s 30th birthday party. Yet, when you see the other cake, turns out it’s actually for her 60th. Nevertheless, pretty mean if you ask me.

77. Happy Birthday, Dana, and if you’re scratching in your nether region, that that was me. Sorry.

Sure this cake may not be appropriate for a birthday, but at least the guy let Dana know about his STD and apologized. Also, he remembered her birthday and sent her a cake for the occasion. A lot of guys don't even do any of that.

Sure this cake may not be appropriate for a birthday, but at least the guy let Dana know about his STD and apologized. Also, he remembered her birthday and sent her a cake for the occasion. A lot of guys don’t even do any of that.

78. Now I’m sure a birthday cake with cars is perfectly fine for a boy.

Hmm, seems like there's been an accident on the the intersection, which could've been prevented with simply installing a goddamn traffic light. Then again, it's probably a country road. And now the birthday boy's just wet his pants. Still, the car position reminds me of Matthew Crawley's death scene from Season 3 of Downton Abbey.

Hmm, seems like there’s been an accident on the the intersection, which could’ve been prevented with simply installing a goddamn traffic light. Then again, it’s probably a country road. And now the birthday boy’s just wet his pants. Still, the car position reminds me of Matthew Crawley’s death scene from Season 3 of Downton Abbey.

79. Have a hairy Birthday, Emma, courtesy of 1970s Tom Selleck.

Then again, maybe Emma is a fan of Tom Selleck and his hairy chest. Still, doesn't help that he looks like a creepy 1970s porn star on this cake. By the way, his chest hair is represented by sprinkles.

Then again, maybe Emma is a fan of Tom Selleck and his hairy chest. Still, doesn’t help that he looks like a creepy 1970s porn star on this cake. By the way, his chest hair is represented by sprinkles.

80. Of course, I wonder if birthday cakes actually look like this from The Wire.

And if it was ordered by a character from The Wire, I wonder who made the request. Was it: a. Jimmy McNulty for one of his kids. b. Bunk Moreland for his wife or one of his kids, c. Cedric Daniels for Ronnie, d. One of the Barksdales, e. Someone else from the Baltimore Police Department, or f. all of the above. All I know is, it ain't from Omar for he doesn't swear at all but watch out for his shotgun.

And if it was ordered by a character from The Wire, I wonder who made the request. Was it: a. Jimmy McNulty for one of his kids. b. Bunk Moreland for his wife or one of his kids, c. Cedric Daniels for Ronnie, d. One of the Barksdales, e. Someone else from the Baltimore Police Department, or f. all of the above. All I know is, it ain’t from Omar for he doesn’t swear at all but watch out for his shotgun.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now I know it’s been since October that I’ve done a post on vintage postcards but I’ve run out of ideas at the moment and have a lot of these saved up on my laptop so it’s. Besides, it’s too early for Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, Presidents’ Day, or other holidays. Of course, there’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day but he’s not the kind of guy I’d want make fun of. Then there’s my birthday on the 13th, but there’s just so many birthday cakes out there. So for now, postcards will have to do for the moment. Nevertheless, I know my viewers can’t get enough of these things so here I go. Of course, I know some people travel over the holidays and sometimes during the winter months to get the hell out of the snow. However, most of us really can’t spend the winter months in the Bahamas mainly because, well, we simply can’t afford to and have other obligations such as school, work, and family. Also, January weather is really terrible, especially since temperatures have started dropping belong zero. Yikes! Anyway, if you’re stranded at your home due to the snowy weather outside or your school’s closed, here is a batch of tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure. And I hope with them, you can get through your day.

1. In the Middle Ages, German village festivals had dunking tanks like this.

Oh, wait a minute that's another medieval torture device it seems. And it doesn't seem that they're weighing the caged guy against the duck either. Would've solved everything.

Oh, wait a minute that’s another medieval torture device it seems. And it doesn’t seem that they’re weighing the caged guy against the duck either. Would’ve solved everything.

2. Every woman should be the queen of her kitchen with this turquoise refrigerator.

Now I'm fine with turquoise but this fridge seems more appropriate for the kitchen of some tacky trailer park than in most households. Yet, I'm sure this woman isn't the Snow Queen from Frozen.

Now I’m fine with turquoise but this fridge seems more appropriate for the kitchen of some tacky trailer park, dive bar, or disco than in most households. Yet, I’m sure this woman isn’t the Snow Queen from Frozen.

3. Greetings from Snooki’s grandmother from the Jersey Shore.

I don't know about you but it seems that not much has changed on the Jersey Shore over 50 years before the notorious MTV reality series. Thank God, that show's over.

I don’t know about you but it seems that not much has changed on the Jersey Shore over 50 years before the notorious MTV reality series. Thank God, that show’s over. Also, that hat is hideous.

4. In the Old West, we always cut the cheese after a dinner of pork and beans at the camp fire.

Of course, when it comes to western way of breaking wind, some guys led out a rip-roaring gust while others emit an odor that's silent but deadly.

Of course, when it comes to western way of breaking wind, some guys led out a rip-roaring gust while others emit an odor that’s silent but deadly.

5. I don’t think Sally intends to eat that mango.

Rather I think she wants to use that mango to drop on her little brother's skull since he stole her Fruit Roll Ups. Little Stevie needs to pay.

Rather I think she wants to use that mango to drop on her little brother’s skull since he stole her Fruit Roll Ups. Little Stevie needs to pay.

6. Every time German children see a rocket ship in the night sky, it’s tradition they drop their pants and pee on the window side flower pot.

I hope these boys enjoyed giving Mom's petunias a golden shower since she's probably going to wonder why they smell like a urinal in the third grade bathroom.

I hope these boys enjoyed giving Mom’s petunias a golden shower since she’s probably going to wonder why they smell like a urinal in the third grade bathroom. Yes, Mom’s petunias will never smell the same way again, but they’ll get a steady supply of nitrates though. Maybe she doesn’t mind the tradeoff.

7. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the Equine High Diving Championships, Mustang Sugarcubes takes the plunge.

Oh, my God, I think I just made PETA want to burn my house down for posting this. Perhaps the Humane Society may want to join in. Still, what sadist could think of horses jumping off the high dive? This is just fucking insane! Also, illegal in most states. By the way, this postcard is from Atlantic City, New Jersey where Boardwalk Empire takes place. Man, seems like Nucky's booze is really getting to them.

Oh, my God, I think I just made PETA want to burn my house down for posting this. Perhaps the Humane Society may want to join in. Still, what sadist could think of horses jumping off the high dive? This is just fucking insane! Also, illegal in most states. By the way, this postcard is from Atlantic City, New Jersey where Boardwalk Empire takes place. Man, seems like Nucky’s booze is really getting to them. As cruel to animals as this may be, I just can’t help laughing at it for some reason.

8. Alf’s lunch box.

Now I know the people behind the picture thought this made a good photo op. Yet, the cuteness kind of fades away when you find out that there are people in certain countries around the world that eat them. Kind of makes this postcard disturbing.

Now I know the people behind the picture thought this made a good photo op. Yet, the cuteness kind of fades away when you find out that there are people in certain countries around the world that eat them. Kind of makes this postcard disturbing.

9. Welcome to Hawaii, we have large, uh, pineapples.

Talk about low hanging fruit hanging not far from the tree. Still, this is just bound to give Freud a field day. I mean why did this woman put the pineapples so close to her boobs? Really?

Talk about low hanging fruit hanging not far from the tree. Still, this is just bound to give Freud a field day. I mean why did this woman put the pineapples so close to her boobs? Really?

10. Seems like Springer here just barked a cake. Seems so proud. Hope there’s no fur all over the icing.

So how does a dog bark a cake? Makes no sense whatsoever. Guess those behind the design were aiming for cuteness. Also, what's in the cake? Hope it's not disgusting.

So how does a dog bark a cake? Makes no sense whatsoever. Guess those behind the design were aiming for cuteness. Also, what’s in the cake? Hope it’s not disgusting.

11. For a  lovelier you, get these stylish Oompa-Loompa inspired coiffures from Willy Wonka’s Beauty Salon.

Then again, perhaps we all should be happy that Willy Wonka became a confectioner instead of a hairdresser. Hate to see what kind of machinery he'd have at his hair salon. Probably would look like some torture chamber from a kid's show.

Then again, perhaps we all should be happy that Willy Wonka became a confectioner instead of a hairdresser. Hate to see what kind of machinery he’d have at his hair salon. Probably would look like some torture chamber from a kid’s show.

12. Yes, fellas, prune juice was one of the great “drugs” of the 1960s, which they attribute to freeing your mind as much as your bowels.

Ironically, I wouldn't be surprised that prune juice is now consumed by more 1960s flower children more than ever. Yeah, prune juice will set your colon free from constipation.

Ironically, I wouldn’t be surprised that prune juice is now consumed by more 1960s flower children more than ever. Yeah, prune juice will set your colon free from constipation.

13. I now give you the Venusflytraposaurus.

Actually that's an Elasmosaurus a large Plesiosaur from the Cretaceous period. Of course, unfortunately for this guy, orthodontists didn't exist at the time.

Actually that’s an Elasmosaurus a large Plesiosaur from the Cretaceous period. Of course, unfortunately for this guy, orthodontists didn’t exist at the time.

14. I don’t know about you but why the hell does Snowflake have her helmet on backwards?

Of course we all know that Snowflake would be kidnapped by psychopath ex-football player and tranny Ray Finkle (disguised as Lois Einhorn). He also kidnapped Dan Marino as well as killed a man in his apartment. And in the 1990s, this was a family film.

Of course we all know that Snowflake would be kidnapped by psychopath ex-football player and tranny Ray Finkle (disguised as Lois Einhorn). He also kidnapped Dan Marino as well as killed a man in his apartment. And in the 1990s, this was a family film or so I think. At least it was in my house.

15. Maybe we should send this to Kim and Kanye when they’re thinking about a trip to Florida. I mean these crocs like big butts and they cannot lie./These alligators can’t deny./When a girl walks in with a big gigantic waist/And a round thing in their face/They get starved.

Yes, that croc on the beach is in the mood for some bootylicious rump roast tonight. Also, what's with the monkey fishing from the pelican's beak for God's sake? That's insane!

Yes, that croc on the beach is in the mood for some bootylicious rump roast tonight. Also, what’s with the monkey fishing from the pelican’s beak for God’s sake? That’s insane!

16. C’mon, to Elsie’s they said. It’ll be fun, they said.

I think there's something wrong with this girl here. Sure she might want her sister to drop in again, but she probably wants to drown her in the fountain and hide her body in the large vase.

I think there’s something wrong with this girl here. Sure she might want her sister to drop in again, but she probably wants to drown her in the fountain and hide her body in the large vase.

17. Now this New England eatery has lobsters in any style.

Wait a minute, that's in Oklahoma? Seriously, lobsters are an oceanside crustacean caught in fishing boats from Maine. Oklahoma is an inland state known for cattle, dust storms, and tornadoes. They do not go together.

Wait a minute, that’s in Oklahoma? Seriously, lobsters are an oceanside crustacean caught in fishing boats from Maine. Oklahoma is an inland state known for cattle, dust storms, and tornadoes. They do not go together.

18. Yes, this guy is certainly blowing his own trumpet seen here.

Of course, "blowing" also has another meaning explaining why this postcard is so funny. Of course, it's probably impossible to do and I can't mention it in front of the kids.

Of course, “blowing” also has another meaning explaining why this postcard is so funny. Of course, it’s probably impossible to do and I can’t mention it in front of the kids.

19. Now this is place seems to give “dive bar” a whole new meaning.

Now a bar overlooking a giant fish tank is one thing, but this is kind of ridiculous. Might also make the patrons wonder whether they're seeing things or just need another drink. I'd hate to be the designated driver in that bunch.

Now a bar overlooking a giant fish tank is one thing, but this is kind of ridiculous. Might also make the patrons wonder whether they’re seeing things or just need another drink. I’d hate to be the designated driver in that bunch.

20. Now this would make a fine new addition to the hunting lodge or man cave.

Too bad the holidays are over for this lamp would've made a great Christmas present for my next door neighbors. Then again, that lamp might freak out their granddaughter.

Too bad the holidays are over for this lamp would’ve made a great Christmas present for my next door neighbors. Then again, that lamp might freak out their granddaughter.

21. Nothing makes an electronic back massager than some device that bears a striking resemblance to IKEA furniture.

From the back: “Figurette—the home slenderizing unit that has become noted as a “lasting beauty” aid for women…but is every bit as much renowned for the tension-relieving relaxation it helps induce in he-men. Another leading product of A.R.A. Manufacturing Co., Grand Prairie, Texas.” "It is very important that the he-man not become too relaxed. Therefore, he should use the Figurette with work clothes on, including shoes and tie."

From the back: “Figurette—the home slenderizing unit that has become noted as a “lasting beauty” aid for women…but is every bit as much renowned for the tension-relieving relaxation it helps induce in he-men. Another leading product of A.R.A. Manufacturing Co., Grand Prairie, Texas.”
“It is very important that the he-man not become too relaxed. Therefore, he should use the Figurette with work clothes on, including shoes and tie.”  I wonder what would happen if he got too relaxed. Oh, I see.

22. Nothing excites a two-year-old more than a giant stuff dog about as tall as your ceiling.

Of course, seems that the company responsible for this photo didn't seem to care about the boxes next to the humongous dog that might give parents nightmares. Please don't show this to small children or they'd want one, too.

Of course, seems that the company responsible for this photo didn’t seem to care about the boxes next to the humongous dog that might give parents nightmares. Please don’t show this to small children or they’d want one, too.

23. Of course, when it comes to toilet training, some dogs grow accustomed to it better than others.

I bet that any dog owner would rather teach their dog to go on the toilet than have it drink from there. I wonder if this potty animal knows how to flush.

I bet that any dog owner would rather teach their dog to go on the toilet than have it drink from there. I wonder if this potty animal knows how to flush.

24. This lady seems so happy with her large wall shelf of tupperware.

I don't know about you but wait until she finds out that you can't put tupperware in the dishwasher. Boy, I'd hate to dishes at that place.

I don’t know about you but wait until she finds out that you can’t put tupperware in the dishwasher. Boy, I’d hate to wash dishes at that place.

25, Now I know this is supposed to be a stove. Yet, I don’t know why I still wonder why it could possibly be a stove-dishwasher unit.

Must be that the oven doors have no windows in them and that there are two of them. Still, that color may be nice but the stove is hideous.

Must be that the oven doors have no windows in them and that there are two of them. Still, that color may be nice but the stove is hideous.

26. Oh, no, they just buried a dead guy in the topsoil planters! What kind of sick place is this?

Okay, that's just a guy getting mud bath at a spa. Still, you'd wonder if this was just some crazed garden store of death seeing him like that.

Okay, that’s just a guy getting mud bath at a spa. Still, you’d wonder if this was just some crazed garden store of death seeing him like that.

27. Nothing graces a little girl’s bedroom than a pink, frilly lamp.

Ugh! This lamp is so frilly and pink that it makes me sick. And I don't mind the color either. Still, I don't think a little girl would find it settling that the figurine doesn't have any arms.

Ugh! This lamp is so frilly and pink that it makes me sick. And I don’t mind the color either. Still, I don’t think a little girl would find it settling that the figurine doesn’t have any arms.

28. Now a dramatic reenactment of Cain killing his brother Abel.

My God, this is just a horrible execution that it seems like something you'd see on the Flintstones. Also, makes you wonder whether Cain killed Abel because God thought Abel's sacrifice was greater or that Abel was making fun of Cain's leopard skin loincloth.

My God, this is just a horrible execution that it seems like something you’d see on the Flintstones. Also, makes you wonder whether Cain killed Abel because God thought Abel’s sacrifice was greater or that Abel was making fun of Cain’s leopard skin loincloth.

29. This cow says, “Howdy, from Oklahoma! Where the wind blows sweeping from the plains…”

This cow doesn't look like it's saying, "Howdy!" Rather I think it's trying to say, "They're going to kill us all and put us on buns at the local burger joint! Get out while you still can!"

This cow doesn’t look like it’s saying, “Howdy!” Rather I think it’s trying to say, “They’re going to kill us all and put us on buns at the local burger joint! Get out while you still can!”

30. If this engine weighs lighter than the swimsuit model, then you should have no problem carrying it.

Then again, this model seems a bit chunky compared to the ones you'd see in a Victoria's Secret commercial. Still, close enough. Nevertheless, it's also available in lime green.

Then again, this model seems a bit chunky compared to the ones you’d see in a Victoria’s Secret commercial. Still, close enough. Nevertheless, it’s also available in lime green.

31. May I present to you the Rainbow Choir of the East Glenville Methodist Church.

Of course, given that the Gay Rights Movement adapted the rainbow flag as its symbol, I don't think a church choir would call themselves, even if it's the United Methodist Church.

Of course, given that the Gay Rights Movement adapted the rainbow flag as its symbol, I don’t think a church choir would call themselves, even if it’s the United Methodist Church.

32. And now two labrador retrievers on a ski lift. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Now that just can't be safe for animals. Seriously, I wonder if either of these dogs would have the patience of staying on these seats. Besides, what if one of them jumps?

Now that just can’t be safe for animals. Seriously, I wonder if either of these dogs would have the patience of staying on these seats. Besides, what if one of them jumps?

33. “Well, I’ll be happy to assist you with your mud bath Mr. Skelly.”

Now I'm sure this person is making the man look all natural as if he was part the dirt from which he came from. Still, this is pretty disturbing if you ask me.

Now I’m sure this person is making the man look all natural as if he was part the dirt from which he came from. Still, this is pretty disturbing if you ask me. I mean these people look as if they’re buried alive for God’s sake.

34. Come to the Girl Crossing where the action is.

Of course, the women at the Florida beach you actually see probably aren't as attractive as these ladies. Seriously, fellas, believing this postcard will set yourself up for disappointment.

Of course, the women at the Florida beach you actually see probably aren’t as attractive as these ladies. Seriously, fellas, believing this postcard will set yourself up for disappointment.

35. And yet we have another version of RuPaul’s Drag Race does Lawrence Welk.

Of course, I'm sure these people are smartly dressed for some formal fancy dress ball. Yet, I don't think they're very convincing. Still, don't want to see these in your mail.

Of course, I’m sure these people are smartly dressed for some formal fancy dress ball. Yet, I don’t think they’re very convincing. Still, don’t want to see these in your mail.

36. “She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny rainbow macrame bikini…”

Of course, I'm not sure what to make out with her holding a small sombrero that doesn't fit her head. Still, no girl wants get a postcard from their boyfriend that says, "Wish you were her."

Of course, I’m not sure what to make out with her holding a small sombrero that doesn’t fit her head. Still, no girl wants get a postcard from their boyfriend that says, “Wish you were her.”

37. Man, this cat isn’t happy that his flight’s been cancelled. Somebody is going to get clawed.

Of course, the hat and picnic table cloth don't help matters either. Still, this is probably the original Grumpy Cat. And boy, is he grumpy about his flight being cancelled.

Of course, the hat and picnic table cloth don’t help matters either. Still, this is probably the original Grumpy Cat. And boy, is he grumpy about his flight being cancelled. Now he’ll have to change travel plans which he hates oh, so much. Yes, polydactyl cat is not pleased.

38. Let’s stop at Pennsylvania’s Crystal Cave Ice Cream Formation.

I don't know about you but that formation doesn't at all resemble an ice cream cone to me. Yet, I think Ice Cream Cone Formation was more of a PG name than, well, something else that's point and stick up.

I don’t know about you but that formation doesn’t at all resemble an ice cream cone to me. Yet, I think Ice Cream Cone Formation was more of a PG name than, well, something else that’s point and stick up. Even funnier is that they have replicas of this at the gift shop and that’s where the real fun begins.

39. Yay! High school cheerleaders gathering around to a car celebrating the anniversary of a time when a peace treaty was signed, or when Indians decided to surrender peacefully and let settlers take over their land.

Of course, what's worse is that this high school is called Medicine Lodge and it's located in Kansas. Must have a Native American mascot, too, and a real stereotypical one at that. Great (sarcasm). Still, love those comet pom poms.

Of course, what’s worse is that this high school is called Medicine Lodge and it’s located in Kansas. Must have a Native American mascot, too, and a real stereotypical one at that. Great (sarcasm). Still, love those comet pom poms.

40. Now here is a wax figure of Mark Twain on a rocking chair with his best known character Huckleberry Finn.

All Mark Twain ever wanted for his birthday was either a chair rocking or a rocking chair lap dance with Huckleberry Finn. Still, the two seem a bit too friendly with each other.

All Mark Twain ever wanted for his birthday was either a chair rocking or a rocking chair lap dance with Huckleberry Finn. Still, the two seem a bit too friendly with each other.

41. Need some added neck and chin support? Try one of these.

Sure that contraption may stabilize your neck but putting that chin rest on your shoulders just looks very uncomfortable from what I see with the other one.

Sure that contraption may stabilize your neck but putting that chin rest on your shoulders just looks very uncomfortable from what I see with the other one.

42. Now here is one of the most important scientists of all time, Louis Pasteur who formulated pasteurization, vaccination, and founded microbiology.

Yes, Louis Pasteur did help change the world for the better as well as saved so many lives with his research. But that doesn't stop him from testing his anthrax vaccine on his daughter's pet bunny rabbit.

Yes, Louis Pasteur did help change the world for the better as well as saved so many lives with his research. But that doesn’t stop him from testing his anthrax vaccine on his daughter’s pet bunny rabbit.

43. Awww. A black bear cub eating ice cream. Adorable.

I know bear cubs are cute but feeding the animals is a very bad idea. Seriously, feeding them will lead to animal infestation at camp sites as well as make them easy targets for hunters. So please remember that signs warning against feeding the animals exist for a reason.

I know bear cubs are cute but feeding the animals is a very bad idea. Seriously, feeding them will lead to animal infestation at camp sites as well as make them easy targets for hunters. So please remember that signs warning against feeding the animals exist for a reason.

44. Reginald was stripped of his horse, when it was discovered that he put lipstick on it during those lonely nights.

"Guys? Have you seen my horse? Guys, this isn't funny. Seriously, somebody's stolen my horse, Dobbin. How am I supposed to participate in this routine if I don't have my fucking horse? My apologies for my profanities."

“Guys? Have you seen my horse? Guys, this isn’t funny. Seriously, somebody’s stolen my horse, Dobbin. How am I supposed to participate in this routine if I don’t have my fucking horse? My apologies for the profane language.”

45. “I always love to tend to my garden in my bathing suit.”

"It keeps me cool and in tip top shape. Also, I hate to change into something different when I need to hide a body right away."

“It keeps me cool and in tip top shape. Also, I hate to change into something different when I need to hide a body right away. You simply don’t have time for that after you strangle a guy in the hot tub these days.”

46. This bathing beauty receives a grizzly hug at Hugh Hefner’s hunting lodge.

Okay, PETA is going to kill me for this. We all know the grizzly bear is a hunting trophy and the swimsuit woman is only there for the fanservice. Still, pretty funny if you ask me.

Okay, PETA is going to kill me for this. We all know the grizzly bear is a hunting trophy and the swimsuit woman is only there for the fanservice. Still, pretty funny if you ask me.

47. Come to Indiana and enjoy the wonderful, picturesque scenery.

Man, all I see are basically roadways on a flat landscape. Even a transportation worker is bound to fall asleep on these toll roads. At least Western Pennsylvania has hills, forests, and potholes for God's sake. Yet, you wouldn't want to drive on those roads either.

Man, all I see are basically roadways on a flat landscape. Even a transportation worker is bound to fall asleep on these toll roads. At least Western Pennsylvania has hills, forests, and potholes for God’s sake. Yet, you wouldn’t want to drive on those roads either.

48. Have trouble keeping your chin up? We have a pulley appliance for that.

Wonder if I should get those for my mom so she wouldn't fall asleep watching movies with us. Probably would fall asleep anyway. Still, I don't think this guy is very comfortable with the chin straps on him.

Wonder if I should get those for my mom so she wouldn’t fall asleep watching movies with us. Probably would fall asleep anyway. Still, I don’t think this guy is very comfortable with the chin straps on him.

49. This woman is utterly thrilled with her stylish brand new Cul-Matic water softener by Culligan.

Because before she had a water softener in her house, Connie had get her plumbing clean on a regular basis due to the metal cation buildup that makes hard water less compatible with soap. Hey, it was Joey's idea to live near an industrial facility where he worked, not hers.

Because before she had a water softener in her house, Connie had get her plumbing clean on a regular basis due to the metal cation buildup that makes hard water less compatible with soap and resulted in her pipes erroding. Hey, it was Joey’s idea to live near an industrial facility where he worked, not hers.

50. Watch a man wrestle with an alligator in Florida, they said. It will be fun, they said.

Man, for an activity that should have big, "Do Not Try This at Home" disclaimer, seems that some people find alligator wrestling quite boring, indeed. People like me just find it nuts. Then again, while the boys are bored to tears, seems like Mom is just thinks the handler has a nice tight ass.

Man, for an activity that should have big, “Do Not Try This at Home” disclaimer, seems that some people find alligator wrestling quite boring, indeed. People like me just find it nuts. Then again, while the boys are bored to tears, seems like Mom just thinks the handler has a nice tight ass.

51. Sure this may be a Seminole Indian ritual or it could just be a production from Florida State University. Either way, it seems the guy on the top step is about to demonstrate his skill in the sacred art of gymnastics.

This drama is called "Florida Aflame" which is about the Seminole Indians. Still, I wonder what a real Seminole Indian would think of this production. Seriously, this seems to be something I'd more likely see in a Lady Gaga music video than on an Indian reservation. I mean why?

This drama is called “Florida Aflame” which is about the Seminole Indians. Still, I wonder what a real Seminole Indian would think of this production because I think he or she might take offense. Seriously, this seems to be something I’d more likely see in a Lady Gaga music video than on an Indian reservation. I mean why?

52. Nothing seems to be a weird sight than a Dominatrix at the beach. BDSM on the beach? How kinky.

"All right. Now where did I put my chair and my cat o' nine tails? I know I put them here yesterday. Must've been swept with the tide tide. Dammit."

“All right. Now where did I put my chair and my cat o’ nine tails? I know I put them here yesterday. Must’ve been swept with the tide tide. Dammit.”

53. Fasten your seatbelts, kid, because you’re taking a rocketship to Sunday School.

I know that mega churches do a lot of activities. But I'm stumped is to how many of them could include a rocket ship in their budgets. Seriously, why?

I know that mega churches do a lot of activities. But I’m stumped is to how many of them could include a rocket ship in their budgets. Seriously, why?

54. See Bobo the Clown and his little pal Rover.

I don't know about you but upon seeing this picture, I kind of feel like calling the Humane Society regarding Rover's welfare and whether Bobo is a good owner outside his creepy clown costume. Because the poor dog looks so terrified.

I don’t know about you but upon seeing this picture, I kind of feel like calling the Humane Society regarding Rover’s welfare and whether Bobo is a good owner outside his creepy clown costume. Because the poor dog looks so terrified.

55. We’ll be looking for your for your next check up. And we will find you!

Poor Ralphie. Seemed to be a nice and happy kid before Dr. Garity gave him that terrible lobotomy. Now he just looks as if he's just a mindless and possessed demon child with no soul.

Poor Ralphie. Seemed to be a nice and happy kid before Dr. Garity gave him that terrible lobotomy. Now he just looks as if he’s just a mindless and possessed demon child with no soul.

56. A hunting trip of bagging two pheasants with your hunting dogs makes for a perfect day.

Putting a dog near a gun: yeah, seems like an accident waiting to happen. And I've seen Bowling for Columbine to know that canine photo ops with guns aren't a good idea.

Putting a dog near a gun: yeah, seems like an accident waiting to happen. And I’ve seen Bowling for Columbine to know that canine photo ops with guns aren’t a good idea.

57. These woman are so proud to have their own singing Big Brown Billy Bass decor.

Sorry, but whenever I see a big fish mounted like that on a plaque, that's all I think about. I could just hear that fish sing, "Take me to the river, Put me in the water...."

Sorry, but whenever I see a big fish mounted like that on a plaque, that’s all I think about. I could just hear that fish sing, “Take me to the river, Put me in the water….”

58. So remember car owners, always remember to check the oil in your gas guzzling automobile, regularly.

Of course, from what I can read from their facial expressions, I don't think auto maintenance is the first thing on their minds right now. Also, "change the oil" has another meaning that doesn't come across people's mind if you know what I mean.

Of course, from what I can read from their facial expressions, I don’t think auto maintenance is the first thing on their minds right now. Also, “change the oil” has another meaning that doesn’t come across people’s mind if you know what I mean.

59. This woman sure has a whale of a tale when she comes back from vacation.

This is probably a false killer whale which is also used in aquariums and kept in captivity. However, unlike the Orca, there are no campaigns concerning the captivity of these creatures since they're not studied as much and have a population that's much more endangered. This may especially true in Hawaii where they're most frequently seen.

This is probably a false killer whale which is also used in aquariums and kept in captivity. However, unlike the Orca, there are no campaigns concerning the captivity of these creatures since they’re not studied as much and have a population that’s much more endangered. This may especially true in Hawaii where they’re most frequently seen. Still, hope that woman doesn’t come from a sorority and is sober.

60. Of course, sometimes we can’t prevent receiving a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Yes, Gladys, I've electrocuted Harold in the bath tub by throwing my hair dryer. So how do we dispose of his body without the neighbors suspecting?"

“Yes, Gladys, I’ve electrocuted Harold in the bath tub by throwing my hair dryer. So how do we dispose of his body without the neighbors suspecting?”

61. Of course, we all know that Floria alligators would rather bite than switch. Gator said so himself.

Switch to what? Is this a postcard depicting animal predation or kinky bestiality? Seriously, who thought this kind of postcard was a good idea?

Switch to what? Is this a postcard depicting animal predation or kinky bestiality? Seriously, who thought this kind of postcard was a good idea?

62. Come to the Madonna Inn and stay at one of our three “Merry Go Round” rooms.

Basically the idea of this room's design came from the person who really liked the color green and so painted all the walls that way. The decorative ideas came from his 6 year old daughter. God, that's tacky.

Basically the idea of this room’s design came from the person who really liked the color green and so painted all the walls that way. The decorative ideas came from his 6 year old daughter. God, that’s tacky.

63. See these lovely can-can girls at Steve’s Gay ’90s Restaurant in Tacoma, Washington.

Of course, they mean the 1890s here, but including the word, "gay" is pretty funny. The back says: "While you dine, you’ll enjoy entertainment amid the stage settings of old vaudeville. The ad curtain, drapes and chandeliers are from opera houses of the Old West. Fireplaces, furniture and decorations once graced Tacoma’s showplace homes of the 80’s." Well, 1880s. Still, what the hell are can-can dancers doing here? They're supposed to be French!

Of course, they mean the 1890s here, but including the word, “gay” is pretty funny. The back says: “While you dine, you’ll enjoy entertainment amid the stage settings of old vaudeville. The ad curtain, drapes and chandeliers are from opera houses of the Old West. Fireplaces, furniture and decorations once graced Tacoma’s showplace homes of the 80’s.” Well, 1880s. Still, what the hell are can-can dancers doing here? They’re supposed to be French!

64. Synchronized water skiing: when a bunch of swimsuit clad girls hold one hand on the rope from the boat while putting the other on the shoulder of the girl next to them.

This is a poster of the Aquamaids (perhaps Aquaman's lady entourage) from Florida's Cypress Gardens. And yes, they're on this postcard for the fanservice. Still, the gardens are pretty enough so putting these women water skiing kind of unnecessary.

This is a poster of the Aquamaids (perhaps Aquaman’s lady entourage) from Florida’s Cypress Gardens. And yes, they’re on this postcard for the fanservice. Still, the gardens are pretty enough so putting these women water skiing kind of unnecessary.

65. Now these guys are known as the White Fathers of Africa, a well known Roman Catholic missionary order.

Okay, now I know that there are a lot of Roman Catholic priest and monastic orders that wear white robes and that the White Fathers order started in France. However, if it weren't for the rosaries around their necks, the cassocks, and showing their faces, I would've taken them as some kind of white supremacist organization. Also, these monks look kind of creepy.

Okay, now I know that there are a lot of Roman Catholic priest and monastic orders that wear white robes and that the White Fathers order started in France. However, if it weren’t for the rosaries around their necks, the cassocks, and showing their faces, I would’ve taken them as some kind of white supremacist organization. Also, these monks look kind of creepy.

66. I now give you a black velvet painting of Jesus coming through the clouds.

Okay, this is part of a display in a religious tourist trap called Bibleland. So it's not a velvet painting. Still, did this artist get the idea of how this work seems more appropriate at some sleazy nightclub? Seriously, why did that person think a black background was a good idea?

Okay, this is part of a display in a religious tourist trap called Bibleland. So it’s not a velvet painting. Still, did this artist get the idea of how this work seems more appropriate at some sleazy nightclub? Seriously, why did that person think a black background was a good idea?

67. From the back: “The Barrel cactus (center) sometimes grows 6 feet tall over a 20-30 year period and contains a slimy juice often reputed to have saved lives in an emergency but hardly fit to drink otherwise.” Yes, what a picturesque view of the Mojave desert this is.

Is it just me or is there something phallic about that barrel cactus? Seems like the Lord works in mysterious ways. And sometimes He creates floral scenery ideal for postcards too inappropriate to mail to your grandparents.

Is it just me or is there something phallic about that barrel cactus? Seems like the Lord works in mysterious ways. And sometimes He creates floral scenery ideal for postcards too inappropriate to mail to your grandparents. Nice to see God has a sense of humor, maybe of a 13 year old boy.

68. If it’s no inconvenience, Sparky would now like to take your picture.

Of course, Sparky has no trouble with focus and concentration. That is, unless he spots a squirrel or piece of meat. Then it's just downhill from there.

Of course, Sparky has no trouble with focus and concentration. That is, unless he spots a squirrel or piece of meat. Then it’s just downhill from there.

69. Uh, I got a geriatric patient sexually harassing a nurse in the trauma ward. Don’t ask me why he’s able to run.

As if the old guy chasing the nurse was bad for a postcard. What totally baffles me about this is how this guy has casts on all his limbs yet he's still perfectly able to chase that big boobed nurse in the first place.

As if the old guy chasing the nurse was bad for a postcard. What totally baffles me about this is how this guy has casts on all his limbs yet he’s still perfectly able to chase that big boobed nurse in the first place.

70. Lake Placid: The vacation spot in New York where you can get into a summer snowball fight.

Of course the sign says: "It's no mirage-It's real snow." Sure it's real snow, like the snow they have at Seven Springs during the winter when there isn't any elsewhere. Seriously, there must be a snow making machine somewhere.

Of course the sign says: “It’s no mirage-It’s real snow.” Sure it’s real snow, like the snow they have at Seven Springs during the winter when there isn’t any elsewhere. Seriously, there must be a snow making machine somewhere.

Dawning Now Our Day of Peril and other Christmas Mondegreens

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

buddy-holly-christmas-card-by-pello

I’m sure we’ve all had made the same mistake whenever a song plays on and you sing to the words you think you’re hearing but you’re not. Sometimes this is apparent such as thinking that Bennie had electric boobs in “Bennie and the Jets,” other times, not so much. This term is known as a mondegreen coined by an American Harper’s Magazine writer named Sylvia Wright in November 1954. It was inspired by a misinterpretation of a 17th century Scottish ballad called “The Bonnie Earl o Moray” in which she writes:

“When I was a child, my mother used to read aloud to me from Percy’s Reliques, and one of my favorite poems began, as I remember:

Ye Highlands and ye Lowlands,
Oh, where hae ye been?
They hae slain the Earl o’ Moray,
And Lady Mondegreen.”

The fourth line was actually, “and laid him on the green,” so we don’t have to worry about Lady Mondegreen being murdered with the Earl of Moray or a double homicide in that matter. However, we’ve all done it a lot of times in our lives, and in the realm of Christmas carols and songs is no exception. Some of the following are from kids and some aren’t. Some of these songs are yuletide favorites, while others come from songs you’ve never heard before or in years. So without further adieu, here are some yuletide carol examples of people getting the words wrong in songs. Most of these are from the archive known as Kiss This Guy by the way, inspired from a mishearing from a Jimi Hendrix song, “Purple Haze.”

1. Burl Ives, “Have a Holly-Jolly Christmas”
Lyric: “Ho ho the mistletoe, a-hung where you can see”
Misheard as: “Ho ho the missing toe, a hunger you can see”

2. “The First Noel”
Lyric: “Born is the King of Israel”
Misheard as: “Born is the king or is Dryel”

3. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”
Lyric: “Now bring us some figgy pudding”
Misheard as: “Check your p***y”
Comment: This came from a 6-year-old boy who honestly thought those were the words from the song.

4. Jose Feliciano, “Feliz Navidad”
Lyric: “Feliz Navidad”
Misheard as: “Fuzzy Snotty Duck”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “We asked our children their favorite Christmas song and when it was the youngest’s turn he didn’t know the name so said repeatedly, “Fuzzy, Snotty Duck. Fuzzy Snotty Duck.” To his frustration, for days, we had no idea what song it was until it came on the radio and he screamed, “Fuzzy Snotty Duck!””

5. Band Aid, “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time”
Lyric: “The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life”
Misheard as: “The only gift they’ll get this year is flies”

6. “Silent Night”
Lyric: “Holy infant so tender and mild”
Misheard as: “Holy imbecile, tender and mild”

7. “Deck the Halls”
Lyric: “Donning now our gay apparel”
Misheard as: “Dawning now our day of peril”

8. “Carol of the Bells”
Lyric: “Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas”
Misheard as: “Hari Hari Hari Hari Hari Krishna”

9. “Frosty the Snowman”
Lyric: “With a corncob pipe and a button nose”
Misheard as: “With a corncob pipe and a butt and nose”

10. “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”
Lyric: “God and sinners reconciled”
Misheard as: “God and sinners wrecked in style”

11. “The Holly and the Ivy”
Lyric: “O the rising of the sun/And the running of the deer”
Misheard as: “O the rising of the South/And running the John Deeres”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I don’t think they’re singing about Southerners cutting their grass…”

12. “Jingle Bells”
Lyric: “Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh”
Misheard as: “Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one whore soap and sleigh”
Comment: Person was 10 years old at the time.

13. “Little Drummer Boy”
Lyric: “I am a poor boy too”
Misheard as: “I am a four by two”

14. “O Come All Ye Faithful”
Lyric: O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/Christ, the Lord”
Misheard as: “O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/Christ, the door”

15. “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Lyric: “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/had a very shiny nose./And if you ever saw him,/you would even say it glows.”
Misheard as: “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/had a very shiny nose./And if you ever saw him,/He would take off all his clothes.”

16. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
Lyric: “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”
Misheard as: “He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping…”

17. “O Tannenbaum”
Lyric: “O Tannenbaum O Tannenbaum”
Misheard as: “O cannonball O cannonball”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “When I asked my classmates at the choral singing contest why the hell someone would want to write a song about a cannonball and sing it at Christmas.” Person was 10 at the time.

18. “Up on the Housetop”
Lyric: “Ho ho ho! Who wouldn’t go”
Misheard as: “Ho ho ho! School wouldn’t know”

19. “Winter Wonderland”
Lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman, we”l pretend that he is Parson Brown”
Misheard as: “In the ghetto we can build a snowman, we’ll pretend that he is partly blind”

20. Dave Matthews Band, “Christmas Song”
Lyric: “When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree/Said, ‘Oh, Daddy-o, I can see how it all soon will be’.”
Misheard as: “When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree/Said, ‘Oh, Daddy-o, I can see my house from here’.”

21. The Tractors, “Mary’s Baby”
Lyric: “Mary’s Baby, Son of Man”
Misheard as: “Mary’s baby, Son of Sam”
Comment: Son of Sam is the name of a well-known
New York area serial killer from the 1970s.

22. Myra, “Christmas Isn’t Christmas (Since You Said Goodbye)”
Lyric: “I’ve been asked to lots of parties/To celebrate the season.”
Misheard as: “I’ve bent ass to lots of potties/To celebrate the season.”

23. “I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day”
Lyric: “The belfries of all Christendom”
Misheard as: “The bell frees up all prison scum.”

24. “Lo, How A Rose E’er Blooming”
Lyric: “With Mary, we behold it, the Virgin Mother kind/To show God’s love aright/She bore to men a Savior/When half-spent was the night.”
Misheard as: “With Mary we behold it, the Virgin Mother kind/To show God’s love a riot/She farted in the manger/One hellbent Wednesday night.”

25. Nat King Cole, “The Christmas Song”
Lyric: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
Misheard as: “Jeff’s nuts roasting on an open fire”

26. “Good King Wenceslas”
Lyric: “Good King Wenceslas looked out/On the feast of Stephen”
Misheard as: ” “Good King Wencelas’ car backed out,/On a piece of Steven”

27. “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
Lyric: “On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me:/Twelve drummers drumming,/Eleven pipers piping,/Ten lords a-leaping,/Nine ladies dancing,/Eight maids a-milking,/Seven swans a-swimming,/Six geese a-laying,/Five golden rings,/Four calling birds,/Three French hens,/Two turtle doves,/And a partridge in a pear tree.”
Misheard as: “On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My tulip sent to me:/Twelve drummers drumming,/Eleven pipers piping,/Ten lawyers leaving,/Nine lazy Hansons,/Eight maids a-milking,/Seven warts on women,/Six geezers laying,/Five golden rings,/Four calling birds,/Three French hens,/Two turtle doves,/And a cartridge in a pantry. ”

28. “We Three Kings of Orient Are”
Lyric: “We three kings of Orient are,/Bearing gifts we traverse afar.”
Misheard as: “We free kings of Oregon are,/Burying gifts we traverse afar.”

29. “While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night”
Lyric: “While shepherds watched their flocks by night,/All seated on the ground,/The angel of the Lord came down,/And glory shone around. ”
Misheard as: “While shepherds washed their socks at night,/All seated on the ground,/The angel of the Lord came down,/And glory shone around.”

30. Bing Crosby, “White Christmas”
Lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the ones I used to know./Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/To hear sleigh bells in the snow.”
Misheard as: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the wands I used to know./Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/To hear slave elves in the snow. ”

31. “Angels We Have Heard on High”
Lyric: “Gloria…In excelsis Deo!”
Misheard as: “Gloria…Estefan is gay, oh!”

32. “Away in a Manger”
Lyric: “The cattle are lowing,/The poor baby wakes./But little Lord Jesus,/No crying he makes”
Misheard as: “The cattle are glowing,/The poor baby shakes./But little Lord Jesus,/The crowd he does hate”

33. “Ding Dong Merrily on High”
Lyric: “May ye beautifully rhyme/Your evetime song, ye singers”
Misheard as: “May ye beautifully rhyme,/You endtime zombie singers”

34. Georg Fredrich Handel, “For Unto Us A Child Is Born” (from Handel’s’Messiah’)
Lyric: “For unto us a child is born/Unto us a Son is given.”
Misheard as: “Or unto us a chowder’s born/Unto us a sauna’s given.”

35. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”
Lyric: “O tidings of comfort and joy/Comfort and joy/O tidings of comfort and joy.”
Misheard as: “O Tide cleans like Comet and Joy/Comet and Joy/O Tide cleans like Comet and Joy.”

36. “Go Tell It on the Mountain”
Lyric: “Go tell it on the mountain”
Misheard as: “No telling on the mountain”

37. Paul and Paula, “The Happy Holiday”
Lyric: “Mistletoe means”
Misheard as: “Mistletoe meat”

38. John Lennon, “Happy Xmas (The War Is Over)”
Lyric: “For near and the dear ones”
Misheard as: “We’re here at the Pier One”

39. “Here Comes Santa Claus”
Lyric: “He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for boys and girls again.”
Misheard as: “He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for poison girls again.”

40. Brenda Lee, “I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus”
Lyric: “I’m gonna pull, pull, pull on his beard.”
Misheard as: “I’m gonna poop, poop, poop on his beard.”

41. “Joy to the World”
Lyric: “He rules the world with truth and grace/And makes the nations prove.”
Misheard as: “He rules the world with truth and grace/And makes the nations prudes.”

42. Wham!, “Last Christmas”
Lyric: “This year, to save me from tears/I gave it to someone special.”
Misheard as: “This year, to semi frontiers/I gave it to someone special.”

43. The Carpenters, “Little Jesus”
Lyric: “He will rock you”
Misheard as: “He will rob you”

44. Harry Belafonte,”Mary’s Boy Child”
Lyric: “A new King’s born today.”
Misheard as: “New kids’ porn today.”

45. Anne Murray, “No Room at the Inn”
Lyric: “The bellboy and the porter, the waitress and the cook/Will be witnessed walking in Heaven.”
Misheard as: “The bellboy and the porter, the waitress and the cook/Will be wintessed f***ing in Heaven.”

46. “O Come, O Come, Emanuel”
Lyric: “Rejoice!”
Misheard as: “Bring toys!”

47. “O Christmas Tree”
Lyric: “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches”
Misheard as: “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your britches”

48. “O Holy Night”
Lyric: “This is the night of the dear Savior’s birth”
Misheard as: “This is the night of the deerslayer’s birth”

49. “O Little Town of Bethlehem”
Lyric: “O little town of Bethlehem”
Misheard as: “O little town of Beckley-hem”

50. Orgy, “Santa’s Creepy Secret”
Lyric: “You’ll get your Christmas wish/When you sleep with the fish”
Misheard as: “Did you get your Christmas wish/Did you sleep with the bitch”

51. The Royal Guardsmen, “Snoopy’s Christmas”
Lyric: “And then with a roar they were both on their way/Each knowing they’d meet on some other day”
Misheard as: “And then with a roar they were both on their way/It’s snowin’ made meat on some other day.”

52. Elton John, “Step Into Christmas”
Lyric: “Step into Christmas/The admission is free.”
Misheard as: “September Christmas/Be a fish on a tree.”

53. How the Grinch Stole Christmas, “Welcome Christmas”
Lyric: “Fah who for-aze!/Dah who dor-aze!”
Misheard as: “Bathroom florist!/Bathroom florist!”

54. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Lyric: “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”
Misheard as: “I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus”

55. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin’ home from our house Christmas Eve”
Misheard as: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin’ home from outhouse Christmas Eve”

56. “Sleigh Ride”
Lyric: “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ‘You hoo!'”
Misheard as: “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ‘You fool!'”

57. Alvin and the Chipmunks, “Christmastime Is Here”
Lyric: “Time for joy and time for cheers”
Misheard as: “Time for boys and time for tears”

58. Paul McCartney, “A Wonderful Christmas Time”
Lyric: “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time”
Misheard as: “Disney’s having a wonderful Christmas time”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I thought this song had been the soundtrack to a Disney Christmas special or had been the representation to every Walt Disney Christmas special that had ever been made. How wrong I was.”

59. Andy Williams, “Happy Holidays”
Lyric: “…Leave a peppermint stick for Old Saint Nick, hanging on the Christmas tree.”
Misheard as: “…Place a peppermint stick around your ***k, hanging for all to see.”

60. Brenda Lee, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”
Lyric: “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie and we’ll do some caroling.”
Misheard as: “Maybe we’ll have some f**kin’ pie and we’ll shoot some cat or thing”

61. Mariah Carey, “All I Want for Christmas”
Lyric: “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Misheard as: “I don’t want her, not for Christmas.”

62. The Beach Boys, “Little Saint Nick”
Lyric: “Merry Christmas Saint Nick”
Misheard as: “Merry Christmas Satan”

63. Hanson, “At Christmas”
Lyric: “Memories round the Christmas tree/Are the sweetest ones that remain with me”
Misheard as: “Memories round the Christmas tree/Are the sweetest swans that will mate with me”

64. Mariah Carey, “Oh! Santa”
Lyric: “Oh Santa!/I heard that it’s really gonna snow this year/So I hope Rudolph and them other 8 reindeer/Get you safely here”
Misheard as: “Oh Santa!/I heard that it’s really gonna snow this year/So I hope for a phantom of the ape reindeer/But you’re safely here”

65. Elvis Presley, “Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me”
Lyric: “Santa bring my baby back to me”
Misheard as: “Santa, break my leg, bring it back to me”

66. “The Wassail Song”
Lyric: “Here we come a-wassailing”
Misheard as: “Here we come a-waddling”

67. Andy Williams, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”
Lyric: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”
Misheard as: “It’s the most wonderful time for a beer”

68. Coca-Cola “Holidays Are Coming”
Lyric: “Holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming….
Misheard as: “Hurricanes a coming, hurricanes a coming, hurricanes a coming…”

69. N’SYNC, “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”
Lyric: “And all the blessings from above/God sends you His love”
Misheard as: “And all the blessings from above/Condoms you just love”

70. Judy Garland, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
Lyric: “Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore.”
Misheard as: “Here we are, as in olden days, happy golden rays, up yours.”

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

The-Classic-Christmas-Album-cover

It’s that time of year again when Christmas music beckons in the stores to the point of basically making your ears bleed. Working at Macy’s, I have had to hear hours worth of Christmas music during my shifts, which sometimes makes me sick of hearing it. Yet, there’s this song I particularly despise called “Last Christmas” originally recorded by Wham!, wondering if it’s perhaps the most played Christmas song at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center. And I admit, just to listen to that song once is torture. Still, imagine being the people who have to do these songs either as the artist or the songwriter (sometimes both, but these are old songs). Did you know that a lot of guys who wrote a great portion of your favorite Christmas songs were Jews? Of course, we all know about Irving Berlin writing “White Christmas” but a Jewish guy also wrote the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Then of course, you have a lot of high profile artists do Christmas albums which usually sell before ending up on the discount rack in some Big Lots after the Christmas season. Still, we know that a lot of these musical recording artists probably have contractual obligations, record the album in July, and probably don’t want to sing a lot unoriginal songs for an album that will only sell a part of the year. Still, without further adieu, here’s a treasure trove of some of the tackiest Christmas album covers just to get your mind off the Christmas music you probably can’t get out of your head.

1. Thore Skogman: Klappa Pa!

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he's a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he's not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn't know how he obtained that fruit.

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he’s a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he’s not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn’t know how he obtained that fruit.

I suppose in this man’s country, “Klappa Pa!” means Christmas sausage time.

2. Eilert Pilarm: Eilerts Jul

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa's helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of "Blue Christmas."

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa’s helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of “Blue Christmas.”

Merry Christmas from the North Pole’s resident Elvis Impersonator.

3. Conway Twitty: A Twismas Story with Twitty Bird and Their Little Friends

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird's alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird’s alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

I’m sure Warner Brothers threatened to sue if Conway Twitty used Tweety Bird.

4. Lenny Dee: Happy Holi-dee

He may not be Santa but I'd certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

He may not be Santa but I’d certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

Oh, Lenny!  You and your poodles! I bet they ride on your lap in your car, too!

5. 24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris' "6 to 8 Black Men" essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa is black, stay away from this one.

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris’ “6 to 8 Black Men” essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa recipient is black, stay away from this one.

For any traditional Dutch Christmas with Saint Nick and gift giving tar babies in all.

6. The Hokner Kazoo Orchestra: Christmas with Kazoo

It's like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

It’s like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

Listen to Christmas music on kiddie toy instruments.

7. White Christmas

Man, this guy seems like he's a. stepped on his kids' legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, or d. all of the above.

Man, this guy seems like he’s a. stepped on his kids’ legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, d. passing a kidney stone, or e. all of the above.

So, apparently Christmas albums are a thing in South Korea. Boy, that guy must be in serious pain.

8. A First Christmas Record for Children

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

If you want your children to develop a love of Christmas songs and a lifelong fear of Santa, then this is the album for you.

9. Merry Christmas with the Mom and Dads

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I'm sure there's a dead body in their house somewhere.

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I’m sure there’s a dead body in their house somewhere.

Kind of like a Christmas version of Mama Mia! but with ugly people and not ABBA.

10. Kiro Slabinac: Christmas with Kiro

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I've ever seen. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment.

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I’ve ever seen which doesn’t have an ounce of jolly in him. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment. Also, seems like he’d basically bash your brains out during a pool tournament at the North Pole.

I’m sorry, folks, but I’m sure Santa Claus doesn’t really belong in the glam rock scene or studio wrestling for that matter.

11. Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Merry Christmas a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…

12. Christmas on Death Row

I'm sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads' version of "White Christmas," do you? I'm sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

I’m sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads’ version of “White Christmas,” do you? I’m sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

Hear all your Christmas favorites sung by the likes of some of the most dangerous criminals in the country.

13. The Black & White Minstrel Show featuring the George Mitchell Minstrels: The Magic of Christmas

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn't these be burned already? And I don't mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again.

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn’t these be burned already? And I don’t mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again. Wait until the NAACP hears about this.

Enjoy Christmas like your white ancestors did in a way you’d really want to forget. Available in all Jim Crow and KKK record stores. Key songs are: “Have Yourself a Racist Little Christmas,” “White Christmas,” “Burn the Fiery Cross,” “The Little Klu Klux Boy,” and “Yuletide Lynching Time.”

14. The Blues Busters: Merry Christmas

However, I don't know what to make of having these two guys' disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

However, I don’t know what to make of having these two guys’ disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

Merry Christmas from the black guys who seem to be ripping off the Blues Brothers, at least in name anyway.

15. Gaby Berger: Du Bist Nicht Der Weihnachts-Mann

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It's rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It’s rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

I’m no expert in German but I’m sure this means “A Silent Night with Psycho Claus.”

16. X-Mas Project

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they've just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I'm sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they’ve just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I’m sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Celebrate the season with this rock group of Santa death metal musicians.

17. Tiny Tim: Tiny Tim’s Christmas Album

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you'd like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" on a ukelele. And he got married on a light night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you’d like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on a ukelele. And he got married on a late night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Despite the cover imagery, this album doesn’t fall under death metal or emo. In fact, quite the contrary to the fans’ disappointment.

18. The Surfers: Christmas from Hawaii

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Because nothing stirs up your nostalgia for Christmas more than four shirtless Polynesian guys rowing a canoe with a pink aluminum Christmas tree on it.

19. Santa’s Helpers: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth & Festive Favorites for Children

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Well, this child has his two front teeth but perhaps you might want to buy this album so he could have some corrective vision surgery for being cross eyed.

20. Wilf Carter: Christmas in Canada

Seriously, if it didn't say "Christmas in Canada" I would've mistaken this for some country western album. I don't know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don't associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should've used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Seriously, if it didn’t say “Christmas in Canada” I would’ve mistaken this for some country western album. I don’t know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don’t associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should’ve used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Because nothing reminds us of a Canadian Christmas more than a man dressed as a snazzy cowboy holding a guitar. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of Texas.

21. Heino: Deutcshe Weihnacht…und Festliche Lieder

For those who haven't seen my post on tacky album covers, Heino's the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he's even more terrifying in shades.

For those who haven’t seen my post on tacky album covers back in February, Heino’s the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he’s even more terrifying in shades.

Man, I didn’t know that Dieter’s creepy blond friend had a Christmas album. Must be very popular back in Germany.

22. The Border Brass: Tijuana Christmas

Also, I don't know about you, but I'm sure Tijuana, Mexico isn't known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don't have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure Tijuana, Mexico isn’t known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don’t have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Or as someone who spent high school and college playing in marching band: How Not to Decorate Your Instrument for Christmas. I mean putting baubles at the bell end of your trumpet is a very terrible idea. Also, playing with mittens doesn’t help either.

23. Colonel Sanders: Christmas with Colonel Sanders

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it's tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it’s tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Have a Kentucky Fried Christmas with the Colonel because who in the hell needs healthy arteries this holiday season?

24. Slim Whitman: Christmas with Slim Whitman

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I'm sure Slim Whitman's music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians' heads explode.

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I’m sure Slim Whitman’s music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians’ heads explode.

I’m sure this Christmas album was totally not contractually obligated. Sure it was.

25. Korla Pandit: Merry Xmas

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Finally, the kind of Christmas music to charm snakes with. Also, totally not contractually obligated (yeah right, this guy probably doesn’t even celebrate Christmas).

26. Jimmy Buffet: Christmas Island

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic mission searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic adventure searching for his lost shaker of salt. Still, that tan is just atrocious.

Nothing says Christmas like a guy in a Santa hat floating across the sea in a bathtub decked with Christmas lights and tinsel decorations.

27. The Goldiggers: We Need a Little Christmas

I'm sure that's whatever in those presents aren't exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of "Santa Baby." You get the idea.

I’m sure that’s whatever in those presents aren’t exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of “Santa Baby.” You get the idea.

Merry Christmas from the Society of Retired Bond Girls, apparently. Then again, these women might’ve been in the James Coburn Our Man Flint series, which my dad likes for some reason. Of course, they were making fun of the Bond movies. Still, that In Like Flint makes me understand why many women became feminists (because it was horribly sexist).

28. Jacob Miller and Ray I: Natty Christmas

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you're done with it.

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you’re done with it.

Jacob and Ray wish that all of you develop a lot of high times this Christmas and have a stoned New Year.

29. Merry Christmas

As you've probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who's able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

As you’ve probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who’s able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

Merry Christmas from the cherry 100 ft tall Asian child, who’ll probably be destined to square off with Godzilla in Tokyo someday.

30. Joyeux Noel

Seriously, that tan doesn't look real at all. Still, she doesn't seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Seriously, that tan doesn’t look real at all. Still, she doesn’t seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Nothing says Christmas than an aluminum Christmas tree and a depressed blond who seems to be spending too much time in the tanning salon.

31. Domencio Savino and his Orchestra and Chorus: Hi-Fi Christmas Party

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I'll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I’ll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

There’s nothing that brings a family together for Christmas than a mother and her children cheerfully attempting to hold Santa hostage in his sack.

32. Sing with Marcy

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I'm sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams.

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I’m sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams with her plans for world domination.

Because you celebrate the birth of Christ without hearing a scary woman decked in red and furs sing about Jesus with her equally creepy dummy.

33. Michl Kang: Wenn’s Christmaskindl Kommit

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could've used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could’ve used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

Looks like Grandpa made young Jurgen cry after he  told the kiddies about the legendary Krampus. Probably scared the shit out him that there’s a large dark spot on Jurgen’s lederhosen.

34. Jackie Gleason: All I Want for Christmas

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn't known for being blond bombshell singer. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight. He was also at least middle aged at the time. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would've been more appropriate.

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn’t known for being blond bombshell singer and model. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight as well as didn’t achieve widespread fame until he was in his late 30s. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would’ve been more appropriate.

When your job is to design an album cover and you’ve run out of ideas, you’ll more likely go with putting a blond bombshell in a Santa suit on it.

35. Rudy Ray Moore: This Ain’t No White Christmas

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Because there’s no better way to say “Merry Christmas” in the realm of blackploitation. Also a way of telling the world, “I’m a pimp.”

36. Phil Spector: Christmas Album

We should've known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

We should’ve known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

Now this Santa seems so sketchy with an insane look in his eyes that you’d think he might be out to kill somebody. Oh, wait, that’s Phil Spector so he did. And that snow looks totally fake.

37. Bordello Mamas: Julvisor

Still, I have to admire this cover artist's use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Still, I have to admire this cover artist’s use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Nothing excites a bunch of naked women more than a pantsless Santa and his sack full of dildos. Possibly the most inappropriate album cover I’ve ever seen as well as the most unnecessary since porn is more of a visual medium if you know what I mean.

38. Nuttin’ and Suzy Snowflake: Nuttin’ for Christmas and Suzy Snowflake

Yes, I'm sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they're creepy as hell.

Yes, I’m sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they’re creepy as hell.

Now you get a glimpse on what it’s like to spend the holidays with Chucky’s family.

39. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

Still, whether you like it or not, I'm sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let's hope it's not made from baby seals.

Still, whether you like it or not, I’m sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let’s hope it’s not made from baby seals.

If it weren’t for Liberace being flamboyantly gay, I would’ve sworn that he was Lady Gaga’s biological father.

40. Lagna Fieta and his Orchestra: Natal Dancante

I know that the title translates to: "Christmas Dance Party" from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don't think the term "dance party" comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

I know that the title translates to: “Christmas Dance Party” from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don’t think the term “dance party” comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

Or as I call it: Santa Claus and the Missing White Woman.

41. Kay Martin and her Body Guards: I Know What He Wants for Christmas But I Don’t Know How to Wrap It!

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it's kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to "Dick in a Box." But that only applies to guys.

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it’s kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to “Dick in a Box.” Yet, when it comes to wrapping, ladyparts are a bit more complicated.

For God’s sake, lady, I’m sure we all know how to keep your present a secret this Christmas. Still, he might appreciate something more concrete like a new wallet, some tools an gadgets, or perhaps a jersey from his favorite sports team.

42. Merry Christmas to You

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren't exactly people you'd expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren’t exactly people you’d expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Apparently, in the 1960s, being clothed in nothing but clear plastic was considered wholesomely dressed.

43. Ross Christman: Space Age Santa Claus

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

Santa Claus sends his Christmas wishes, from Space!

44. Tim Dinkins: Christmas on the Moon

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Guess Santa Claus took part in the Apollo Space Program didn’t he? At least this space album makes better sense from the last one. Guess Santa’s involvement was a state secret.

45. The Three Suns: A Ding Dong Dandy Christmas!

Still, I wonder if she either "spread eagle" as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don't want to know.

Still, I wonder if she either “spread eagle” as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like this woman just got lucky on the ice three times over in “spread eagle” mode. Luckily this wasn’t during the hockey game. Still, makes me shudder to think what kind of figure 8s these guys gave her.

46. It’s a Waffle House Christmas

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don't go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man's version of "Hotel California."

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don’t go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man’s version of “Hotel California.”

Celebrate Christmas with the sounds of perhaps one of the more depressing places to stay during the Christmas season.

47. Anne Guest Moore: Welcome to the World of Anne Guest Moore

Well, I'm sure she's only doing the Santa's Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it's in a velvet costume.

Well, I’m sure she’s only doing the Santa’s Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it’s in a velvet costume.

While not spending her nights at lavish parties during the evening as a lady of the night, she spends her time during the day as an elf for Santa at the mall.

48. Connie Francis: Christmas in My Heart

Seriously, whoever she's on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can't take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Seriously, whoever she’s on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can’t take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Well, while Christmas may be in her heart, I’m sure the person she’s on the phone with isn’t.

49. John Tesh: A Romantic Christmas

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, "John Tesh is coming!" Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn't available in DVD. Bastards.

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, “John Tesh is coming!” Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn’t available in DVD. Bastards.

Only romance going on here is whether John Tesh decides to spare this lady from his advances this Christmas Eve.

50. Disco Noel

I don't know about you but I really don't think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

I don’t know about you but I really don’t think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

At your Christmas party, celebrate the holiday season with your Christmas classics set to funky disco music.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours on Christmas Memories

Posted by historymaniacmegan on
Here's a picture of me with my sister and cousins at my grandparents' house during Christmas of 1994. Here I am pictured between my cousins Frank and John while my sister Molly is seated near my cousins Kerry Ann and Josh.

Here’s a picture of me with my sister and cousins at my grandparents’ house during Christmas of 1994. Here I am pictured between my cousins Frank and John while my sister Molly is seated near my cousins Kerry Ann and Josh. Thank God, my parents got rid of that big ugly couch.

Of course, my family gets a lot of photos from family and friends around this time of year. And I’m sure that Christmas is a time of year when people usually take pictures because they want to treasure the moment forever. These could range from pictures on a Christmas card to send to your relatives, pictures for the album, or others. However, while some pictures make nice keepsakes as well as great mementos you’d want to treasure forever, others make you want to scratch your head and ask, “What the hell were they thinking?” And while some tend to do pictures in the traditional style, others may opt for costume. Here are some photos from families who willing post these moments of Christmas awkwardness I found at a website called Awkward Family Photos. So without further adieu, I give you a treasury of family photographs that might depict moments more embarrassing than the ones your family has.

1. Nothing says Christmas than embarrassing your child in utero dressed up as a pregnant yuletide stripper.

I'm sure whenever this woman's child sees this picture, he or she's going blush in deep embarrassment and wonder what the hell she was thinking. Still, I don't think these kinds of photos are a great idea. An expectant mother has a whole life ahead of her to embarrass her child.

I’m sure whenever this woman’s child sees this picture, he or she’s going blush in deep embarrassment and wonder what the hell she was thinking. Still, I don’t think these kinds of photos are a great idea. An expectant mother has a whole life ahead of her to embarrass her child.

2. Looks like Dad has had a little accident while putting up the lights.

Okay, now I understand why my dad doesn't put up Christmas lights. Also, kids, can't you just help your daddy and hold up the ladder? I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Okay, now I understand why my dad doesn’t put up Christmas lights. Also, kids, can’t you just help your daddy and hold up the ladder? I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.

3. “….a fairy princess Barbie, an Easy Bake Oven, a My Little Pony Stable set, and let’s see….”

Looks like Santa Claus has stopped listening to that girl a long time ago. I mean he's basically dreaming of a white Christmas at this point.

Looks like Santa Claus has stopped listening to that girl a long time ago. I mean he’s basically dreaming of a white Christmas at this point.

4. Seems like Dad forgot to put on his pajamas for the Christmas morning photo.

"I didn't wear the pajamas because I don't sleep in pajamas. I sleep in my underwear like this." Of course, who'd want to send this picture in a Christmas card? Seriously, I'm sure nobody wants to see the dad's man boobs here.

“I didn’t wear the pajamas because I don’t sleep in pajamas. I sleep in my underwear like this.” Of course, who’d want to send this picture in a Christmas card? Seriously, I’m sure nobody wants to see the dad’s man boobs here.

5. I’m dreaming of a goth punk Christmas.

Santa Claus: "Great, now I have to pose in this photo with these metal fan kids and their kids. I need a vacation." Love Santa's expression in this.

Santa Claus: “Great, now I have to pose in this photo with these metal fan kids and their kids. I need a vacation.” Love Santa’s expression in this.

6. Looks like somebody doesn’t want to smile for the camera.

Rebellious children, sometimes hating your parents gets started when they're young. Of course, I'm surprised it isn't the daughter in the kimono like dress that seems to be made from a shower curtain.

Rebellious children, sometimes hating your parents gets started when they’re young. Of course, I’m surprised it isn’t the daughter in the kimono like dress that seems to be made from a shower curtain.

7. Hello, kiddies, and welcome to Santa Claus’ house of horrors.

Never has going to Santa land seem oh, so horrifying, but I'm sure the kid's not scared. Still, what the hell is the Easter Bunny doing here? Also, what's with the clown?

Never has going to Santa land seem oh, so horrifying, but I’m sure the kid’s not scared. Still, what the hell is the Easter Bunny doing here? Also, what’s with the clown?

8. Greetings, and happy holidays from the future.

So I guess this is what the crew members from the Enterprise receive from their relatives around the Christmas season. I would think this one came from LaForge's family but he's black and probably not married.

So I guess this is what the crew members from the Enterprise receive from their relatives around the Christmas season. I would think this one came from LaForge’s family but he’s black and probably not married. Then again, maybe he was adopted.

9. Smile for the camera, boys, I’m sure your friends won’t laugh at you being in Christmas themed garbage bags.

Now while Jake is certainly reveling in the Christmas spirit with a bow on his head, I'm sure Tony is trying to disguise his embarrassment and hope nobody at school finds out.

Now while Jake is certainly reveling in the Christmas spirit with a bow on his head, I’m sure Tony is trying to disguise his embarrassment and hope nobody at school finds out.

10. Merry Christmas from the pajama brigade.

Now I wonder who's idea it was for everyone to be photographed wearing the same set of ugly pajamas. Not to mention, what the hell is the Timberland boots doing here?

Now I wonder who’s idea it was for everyone to be photographed wearing the same set of ugly pajamas. Not to mention, what the hell is the Timberland boots doing here?

11. Merry Christmas, from the Village of the Damned.

I'm sure the younger one is less than a year old but she seems to have murder on the mind. I'm not sure about the older boy though.

I’m sure the younger one is less than a year old but she seems to have murder on the mind. I’m not sure about the older boy though.

12. Merry Christmas from outer space.

This would be the perfect way to embarrass a NASA astronaut during the Christmas season. Also, what the hell do astronauts have to do with Christmas anyway?

This would be the perfect way to embarrass a NASA astronaut during the Christmas season. Also, what the hell do astronauts have to do with Christmas anyway? Then again, they probably thought it would be awesome but didn’t think it through.

13. Since they knew it was going to be Doris’ last Christmas, they decided to do the Last Supper.

Wait a minute, doesn't the Last Supper pertain to the moment of Jesus celebrating Passover right before he's about to be crucified? Seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas.

Wait a minute, doesn’t the Last Supper pertain to the moment of Jesus celebrating Passover right before he’s about to be crucified? Seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas.

14. This Christmas, we’ll do a live nativity scene.

Well, maybe not quite a family nativity scene but I'm sure they didn't have safari hats or bright blue robes in Palestine during the Roman Empire.

Well, maybe not quite a family nativity scene but I’m sure they didn’t have safari hats or bright blue robes in Palestine during the Roman Empire.

15. Merry Christmas, from your nightmares.

I'm sure the dripping paint from "Merry Christmas" doesn't seem to bring in the holiday cheer. Also, the mom seems to resemble Tim Curry's character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I’m sure the dripping paint from “Merry Christmas” doesn’t seem to bring in the holiday cheer. Also, the mom seems to resemble Tim Curry’s character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

16. Don’t have antlers? I’m sure bunny ears will do just fine.

Actually, maybe this family should've stuck with reindeer antlers. Bunny ears either reminds me too much of Easter or Playboy.

Actually, maybe this family should’ve stuck with reindeer antlers. Bunny ears either reminds me too much of Easter or Playboy.

17. Dad was always known to give every one of us a lift.

Yet, I sure hope the "lift" part was in the figurative sense. Still, how did this guy ever get a hold of such machinery?

Yet, I sure hope the “lift” part was in the figurative sense. Still, how did this guy ever get a hold of such machinery?

18. Now this photo is so adorable.

Soon little Nellie will have her revenge once the adults leave the premises. Julie will pay for what she did to Nellie's poor baby doll. Oh, yes, she will.

Soon little Nellie will have her revenge once the adults leave the premises. Julie will pay for what she did to Nellie’s poor baby doll. Oh, yes, she will.

19. “Sorry, Kitty, but these are my Christmas presents, not yours.”

Man, some kids just don't know how to share the spotlight. Then again, other kids must not care as much. Still, sibling rivalries do start out young, do they?

Man, some kids just don’t know how to share the spotlight. Then again, other kids must not care as much. Still, sibling rivalries do start out young, do they?

20. Merry Christmas from the Philip Morrises.

Now I'm sure this family isn't setting a great example. Of course, those kids will soon die young in the hospital with their lungs all full of tar.

Now I’m sure this family isn’t setting a great example. Of course, those kids will soon die young in the hospital with their lungs all full of tar.

21. Nothing says Christmas like a swimsuit portrait.

I especially feel bad for the boy who seems to have to wear a speedo. Man, I don’t know about you but swimsuits don’t seem to have anything to do with Christmas for me.

22. “A toilet seat, oh, you shouldn’t have.”

Nothing makes a grandfather feel old than getting a new toilet seat for Christmas. Still, pretty funny though.

Nothing makes a grandfather feel old than getting a new toilet seat for Christmas. Still, pretty funny though.

23. “For this Festivus night, I challenge Carly for the Feats of Strength”

Boy, Carly is going to have a very hard time pinning her dad for this year's Festivus. Also, I'm sure this picture was taken way before 1997.

Boy, Carly is going to have a very hard time pinning her dad for this year’s Festivus. Also, I’m sure this picture was taken way before 1997.

24. “Well, I thought the photo was a good idea at the time.”

Looks like somebody really doesn't want to get her picture taken. "Look away from the light, I tell you. Look away from the light." Still, family doesn't seem like an enthusiastic bunch.

Looks like somebody really doesn’t want to get her picture taken. “Look away from the light, I tell you. Look away from the light.” Still, family doesn’t seem like an enthusiastic bunch.

25. You know you’re a redneck if you use a photo like this on your Christmas card.

Then again, I think many rednecks might find it very offensive if you really think about it. Still, you have to admire how this couple recycles beer packaging and cigarette cartons. Also, pregnancy is a great time to quit smoking, seriously.

Then again, I think many rednecks might find it very offensive if you really think about it. Still, you have to admire how this couple recycles beer packaging and cigarette cartons. Also, pregnancy is a great time to quit smoking, seriously.

26. For this years Christmas card photo, let’s dress up like a Christmas tree.

Seems like everyone here's in the Christmas spirit save Leslie in the lower left corner who thought this photo op was a stupid idea from the get go.

Seems like everyone here’s in the Christmas spirit save Leslie in the lower left corner who thought this photo op was a stupid idea from the get go.

27. Seems like Susie couldn’t hold her excitement or her bladder.

Maybe she shouldn't have drank all that juice this morning. Now she has to change her blue jeans. Still, I wonder if anyone noticed.

Maybe she shouldn’t have drank all that juice this morning. Now she has to change her blue jeans. Still, I wonder if anyone noticed the little accident.

28. Seems like Santa has taken Bobby hostage and tied him up with Christmas lights.

I don't know why anyone would want to tie their kid up in Christmas lights for a photo. That's really messed up.

I don’t know why anyone would want to tie their kid up in Christmas lights for a photo. That’s really messed up.

29. For the hairy, porn stached man on your list, I’m sure very short swimming trunks will do nicely.

Now I'm very sure that's from the 1970s because I think the chances of a man standing with pride in his short shorts nowadays would seem very unlikely today.

Now I’m very sure that’s from the 1970s because I think the chances of a man standing with pride in his short shorts nowadays would seem very unlikely today.

30. Little Sandy has her present while her daddy has lots of money.

In all fairness, this seems to be the kind of Christmas card you'd see from The Wire. Seriously, the man with the money seems to reflect a lot of negative African American stereotypes if you know what I mean.

In all fairness, this seems to be the kind of Christmas card you’d see from The Wire. Seriously, the man with the money seems to reflect a lot of negative African American stereotypes if you know what I mean.

31. Merry Christmas from the Old Navy family and buy these white shirts and jeans. They make great gifts.

For some reason, I can't help but wonder whether this family picture is from a commercial. Yet, they do seem like they could all be related.

For some reason, I can’t help but wonder whether this family picture is from a commercial. Yet, they do seem like they could all be related.

32. If Adam and Eve had a Christmas card, then it would probably look like this. However, to be fair, they didn’t celebrate the holiday.

Now this is one of those Christmas photos that makes me scratch my head and wonder, "What the hell were these parents on to think that this was a good idea?" Also, the parents look as if they've just stepped out from a tanning salon.

Now this is one of those Christmas photos that makes me scratch my head and wonder, “What the hell were these parents on to think that this was a good idea?” Also, the parents look as if they’ve just stepped out from a tanning salon.

33. Always try to make your family’s first Christmas photo a memorable one.

However, it seems like the photographer's focus in this picture isn't so much the baby as it pertains to Mommy's huge lactating milk sacks. Seriously, you have no idea that this is a family portrait until you see the baby's face being obscured in the parents' arms.

However, it seems like the photographer’s focus in this picture isn’t so much the baby as it pertains to Mommy’s huge lactating milk sacks. Seriously, you have no idea that this is a family portrait until you see the baby’s face being obscured in the parents’ arms.

34. Merry Christmas from all of us.

I don't know about you but if I saw people popping out of my presents, I'd freak out. I'm sure they either used photoshop or a very big box.

I don’t know about you but if I saw people popping out of my presents, I’d freak out. I’m sure they either used photoshop or a very big box.

35. “C’mon, Scotty, tell Santa what you want for Christmas.”

I'm sure little Scotty is afraid of Santa Claus and his older brother Billy is reveling in it as we speak.

I’m sure little Scotty is afraid of Santa Claus and his older brother Billy is reveling in it as we speak.

36. When taking a picture of kids wearing “Ho!, Ho!, Ho!” shirts, make sure they stand close together.

I'm sure these parents weren't familiar with rap music to notice that the word, "ho" has another meaning. Still, seems that the youngest had other ideas.

I’m sure these parents weren’t familiar with rap music to notice that the word, “ho” has another meaning. Still, seems that the youngest had other ideas.

37. Look, kids, seems like Santa crashed in at the Ferguson house for Christmas.

Okay, I think it's really just a homeless guy in a fur coat carrying a sack, not Santa. I mean Santa wears a read suit. Then again, the beard is pretty clean.

Okay, I think it’s really just a homeless guy in a fur coat carrying a sack, not Santa. I mean Santa wears a read suit. Then again, the beard is pretty clean.

38. For the Christmas portrait, seems like Mom decided to wear her old outfit during her work as a dancer from the Kit Kat Club.

Well, Mommy had to pay through college somehow back in the day. Amazing her outfit still fits all these years. Nevertheless, not something you'd wear for a family Christmas picture.

Well, Mommy had to pay through college somehow back in the day. Amazing her outfit still fits all these years. Nevertheless, not something you’d wear for a family Christmas picture.

39. Looks like this family is about to get themselves a Christmas tree.

Then again, from how that girl looks in the picture she could be either getting ready to cut down a Christmas tree or kill her family. I mean she seems a bit eerily terrifying in this.

Then again, from how that girl looks in the picture she could be either getting ready to cut down a Christmas tree or kill her family. I mean she seems a bit eerily terrifying in this.

40. Merry Christmas, from the Blanchards of Cirque du Soleil.

Because what other family would you expect to stack up their kids to pose as a Christmas tree? Yet, they seem to be very happy about it though.

Because what other family would you expect to stack up their kids to pose as a Christmas tree? Yet, they seem to be very happy about it though.

41. “No, sir, I haven’t seen Travis anywhere. Honest to God, I didn’t.”

Don't look, now but I think something very bad went down in this room. Not to mention, there's an arm coming out from the box.

Don’t look, now but I think something very bad went down in this room. Not to mention, there’s an arm coming out from the box.

42. “C’mon, kids, grandma and grandpa’s here.”

Seems like the Dos Equis guy is traveling the world so much that he doesn't get to see his grandchildren very often. Also, I didn't know he had a wife. Hope she puts up with his peccadilloes since he's the Most Interesting Man in the World.

Seems like the Dos Equis guy is traveling the world so much that he doesn’t get to see his grandchildren very often. Also, I didn’t know he had a wife. Hope she puts up with his peccadilloes since he’s the Most Interesting Man in the World.

43. Merry Christmas from the jacuzzi.

Okay, so they may be on a Hawaiian vacation but still. I'm not sure if I think taking a Christmas card picture in a hot tub is a good idea.

Okay, so they may be on a Hawaiian vacation but still. I’m not sure if I think taking a Christmas card picture in a hot tub is a good idea.

44. “He’s a maniac, maniac, on the floor. And he’s dancing like he’s never dance before.”

Before Quentin Tarantino started directing very violent movies, he had wanted to become a dancer but his parents wouldn't allow it.

Before Quentin Tarantino started directing very violent movies, he had wanted to become a dancer but his parents wouldn’t allow it.

45. Nothing says Christmas than wearing a shirt depicting Santa’s facial hair.

I wonder who thought having shirts like that was a testament to fashion sense. Probably someone on drugs at the time.

I wonder who thought having shirts like that was a testament to fashion sense. Probably someone on drugs at the time.

46. Nothing gets in the Christmas spirit than a Christmas tree decked with disembodied doll heads.

Of course, this tree was decorated in that if Tanya did anything naughty, the doll heads would haunt her in her dreams. Really creepy stuff.

Of course, this tree was decorated in that if Tanya did anything naughty, the doll heads would haunt her in her dreams. Really creepy stuff.

47. Like they say, the family that goes together, stays together.

Of course, there are some things families shouldn't do together like going to an outhouse. Still, pretty hysterical.

Of course, there are some things families shouldn’t do together like going to an outhouse. Still, pretty hysterical.

48. Sorry, kids, but looks like Santa’s been in a fight with his bookie.

I wonder if this mall ever does a background check on any prospective Santas. I'm not sure if this one belongs on the "Nice" list if you know what I mean.

I wonder if this mall ever does a background check on any prospective Santas. I’m not sure if this one belongs on the “Nice” list if you know what I mean.

49. “Mom, Dad, please no twerking in the photo! You’re embarrassing us!”

Now telling your kids not to twerk is one thing. Telling your parents not to twerk, well, there's no way they'll listen to you.

Now telling your kids not to twerk is one thing. Telling your parents not to twerk, well, there’s no way they’ll listen to you.

50. When it comes to taking pictures, placement is everything.

Now perhaps putting Dad near the gun display wasn't a good idea. Seriously, seems like some invisible person is about to shoot him in the head.

Now perhaps putting Dad near the gun display wasn’t a good idea. Seriously, seems like some invisible person is about to shoot him in the head.

51. Nothing says Christmas like dressing up as Christmas presents for the card.

Now I'm sure wearing those gift boxes can't be comfortable. Also make them look pretty idiotic if you really think about it. Also, what's with the Mickey Mouse Santa hats?

Now I’m sure wearing those gift boxes can’t be comfortable. Also make them look pretty idiotic if you really think about it. Also, what’s with the Mickey Mouse Santa hats?

52. Happy Holidays from the cool people in the neighborhood.

Or from the family who thinks they're too cool for the rest of the neighborhood with their fashion sense still stuck in the 1980s. I mean one of the boys in the back has a mullet.

Or from the family who thinks they’re too cool for the rest of the neighborhood with their fashion sense still stuck in the 1980s. I mean one of the boys in the back has a mullet.

53. Happy Holidays from the family with the world’s most embarrassing dad.

I bet that baby's thinking, "Jesus Christ, Dad, why the hell did you have to dress up as the New Year's baby? What are the kids in daycare going to think about this when they see this picture? I don't want to dwell on it."

I bet that baby’s thinking, “Jesus Christ, Dad, why the hell did you have to dress up as the New Year’s baby? What are the kids in daycare going to think about this when they see this picture? I don’t want to dwell on it.”

54. “All right, light em’ up.”

Can anyone please explain to me how they thought dressing up as Christmas light bulbs was a good idea? Because they seem to be some kind of rendition of Fruit of the Loom characters.

Can anyone please explain to me how they thought dressing up as Christmas light bulbs was a good idea? Because they seem to be some kind of rendition of Fruit of the Loom characters.

55. Nothing says Christmas than a family photo in leopard print pajamas.

Now I'm sure the leopard print doesn't come from real fur. But still, such a family photo op is bound to make PETA furious.

Now I’m sure the leopard print doesn’t come from real fur. But still, such a family photo op is bound to make PETA furious.

56. Merry Christmas from both of us.

Also, I'm sure those two aren't wearing anything under the towel and that they'll make love under it after the photo shoot is over.

Also, I’m sure those two aren’t wearing anything under the towel and that they’ll make love under it after the photo shoot is over.

57. It was only a matter of time before Fran could tell the kids she once worked at Willy Wonka’s factory.

Then again, a more plausible explanation for her orangeness probably has to do with being John Boehner's sister. Yeah, that orange tan runs in the family. Must be a genetic disorder of some sort.

Then again, a more plausible explanation for her orangeness probably has to do with being John Boehner’s sister. Yeah, that orange tan runs in the family. Must be a genetic disorder of some sort.

58. Nothing makes a great Christmas gift for your kids than an assault rifle.

Actually for the love of God, don't ever give your children guns for Christmas, let alone assault rifles. Still, these children seem like they're out to cause a neighborhood shooting spree.

Actually for the love of God, don’t ever give your children guns for Christmas, let alone assault rifles. Still, these children seem like they’re out to cause a neighborhood shooting spree.

59. This will be our first Christmas since Jimmy’s been released from the state penitentiary.

Now I'm sure he may be drug free now but boy do those tattoos tell you that he's done the time. Nevertheless, I think concealer would be a great Christmas present for him.

Now I’m sure he may be drug free now but boy do those tattoos tell you that he’s done the time. Nevertheless, I think concealer would be a great Christmas present for him.

60. Tommy got a scooter while Jenny got a stuffed alligator in a stroller.

What Jenny really wanted was an alligator purse, not an actual gator in the stroller. You can see why she's very upset right now. Then again, the stuffed alligator might've been for one of the parents but it got mixed up.

What Jenny really wanted was an alligator purse, not an actual gator in the stroller. You can see why she’s very upset right now. Then again, the stuffed alligator might’ve been for one of the parents but it got mixed up.

61. Some people really don’t like to pose for Christmas cards.

I'm sure I sometimes feel that way, too when I have to stand for pictures, especially if they have to do another take.

I’m sure I sometimes feel that way, too when I have to stand for pictures, especially if they have to do another take.

62. I’m sure these old green table cloths would make great Christmas tree costumes.

I don't know about you but they could also seem like they're members of a cult in these outfits. Still, doesn't seem very flattering.

I don’t know about you but they could also seem like they’re members of a cult in these outfits. Still, doesn’t seem very flattering.

63. Merry Christmas from the toy soldier family.

Face it, folks, it was either this or the sugar plum fairies. And dad really didn't want to dress as a sugar plum fairy.

Face it, folks, it was either this or the sugar plum fairies. And Dad really didn’t want to dress as a sugar plum fairy.

64. Rudolph rejoiced when he finally got the corndog plant he’d been begging Santa for.

Now the Christmas lights expectant mother was one thing but this? How in the hell did anyone think it was a good idea? Hope that baby never sees this picture.

Now the Christmas lights expectant mother was one thing but this? How in the hell did anyone think it was a good idea? Hope that baby never sees this picture.

65. Let’s see, Dad has the pipe and hat, Mom’s got the coat, Ginny has her dolly, while Randy has a canteen and a snow brush.

Holy shit, that's Stephen King with his family. Certainly explains a lot there. Nevertheless, hope he's not writing The Shining at this point.

Holy shit, that’s Stephen King with his family. Certainly explains a lot there. Nevertheless, hope he’s not writing The Shining at this point.

66. Oh, sure, that’s exactly what Grandma wanted.

I'm not sure if Grandma knows what Taebo is or if anyone at the high rise does either. Still, she probably never took it out of the packaging.

I’m not sure if Grandma knows what Taebo is or if anyone at the high rise does either. Still, she probably never took it out of the packaging.

67. Looks like somebody didn’t get what she asked for this year.

Some girls just want to rub it in on Santa. Man, this girl must not like the new cleaning trolley Santa sent her this year. Then again, would anyone?

Some girls just want to rub it in on Santa. Man, this girl must not like the new cleaning trolley Santa sent her this year. Then again, would anyone?

68. Sure Baby Bella’s about to celebrate her first Christmas, but she’s already sick with sitting for pictures already.

"Okay, so after you're done taking pictures of me on the rocking horse, can we be done here? Also, I just pooped in my diaper."

“Okay, so after you’re done taking pictures of me on the rocking horse, can we be done here? Also, I just pooped in my diaper.”

69. Merry Christmas to all from the Bob Evans family.

Sure their clothes may seem like they're made from the table cloths you'd find at Bob Evans. Yet, they really don't seem to be down on the farm so to speak.

Sure their clothes may seem like they’re made from the table cloths you’d find at Bob Evans. Yet, they really don’t seem to be down on the farm so to speak.

70. “Hey, kids, can you leave for a second, cause Daddy needs a smoke.”

Let' hope he doesn't burn down the tree like Uncle Lewis did in Christmas Vacation, which led to that iconic squirrel scene.

Let’ hope he doesn’t burn down the tree like Uncle Lewis did in Christmas Vacation, which led to that iconic squirrel scene.

Strange Christmas Traditions from Around the World

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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While Thanksgiving in November is basically a national holiday in the United States, you can’t say the same about Christmas, which is celebrated around the world either as a religious holiday or otherwise. Now no two countries celebrate Christmas the same way which may be due seasonal patterns, old traditions, and other factors. In fact, while there are plenty of places that do celebrate Christmas some don’t at all. Yet, as for those that do, many may have certain holiday customs that may seem strange to American eyes or those in Europe. And there are even some mainstream Christmas traditions that were strictly national customs until quite recently. For instance, Christmas didn’t really become the mainstream secular holiday we celebrate now until the Victorian Era. And before Queen Victoria and Prince Albert got hitched, the notion of the Christmas tree was most strictly a German tradition. Not to mention, in early America, while you’d find people such as the Catholics, Episcopalians, and Lutherans celebrating Christmas, you’d be pressed to see any house in Puritan Boston with Christmas decorations because for a time it was banned. Nevertheless, here is a list of some of the strange Christmas customs you’d see from around the world during the season.

1. The Netherlands (and to a lesser extent, Belgium)

And you thought the United States has problems with race relations? Still, I'm sure a Barack Obama visit in the Low Countries during the Saint Nicholas season wouldn't go very well at all.

And you thought the United States has problems with race relations. Still, I’m sure a Barack Obama visit in the Low Countries during the Saint Nicholas season wouldn’t go very well at all.

I’ll start the Dutch here. Now we all know that the Netherlands is one of the most tolerant countries on Earth as well as has legalized pot and prostitution. However, during the Christmas season, people in this country (and Belgium) open their gifts in early December for Saint Nicholas Day, where children leave their shoes out for St. Nick to deliver presents for every child. In the days leading up to December 5th, St. Nick arrives through ship in on Dutch shores in mid-November and goes to each kid’s house on a white horse. However, now while having Saint Nick dress up in a bishop’s robes isn’t unusual (though it’s a carry-over from his previous job as Bishop of Turkey) but what’s strange is that he has helpers ranging from 6 to 8 black men (including a guy named, Zhwart Piet or “Black Peter”). Anyone familiar with world history can easily figure out what these guys started out as in this tradition but they’re known now as St. Nicholas’s “friends” (even if we don’t know how many of them are). Oh, and there’s another folk tradition about St. Nicholas Day regarding bad children such as kicking and beating them with switches (or pretending to) or kidnapping and sending them back to Spain in a sack (his home). Also, when you see Saint Nicholas appears on the street, you’ll see his helpers in blackface and in a fashion that many African Americans would view as virulently racist.

This tradition was made famous by David Sedaris’ commentary on the subject in his essay called, “6 to 8 Black Men.”

https://thejesuitpost.org/2013/12/worth-listening-david-sedariss-six-to-eight-black-men/

2. India

Now I don't think I'm used to this. Also looks pretty freaky.

Now I don’t think I’m used to this. Also looks pretty freaky.

While India only has 2.3% of a Christian population, you need to consider that this consists of 25 million people here, which is more than some countries’ entire populations. While many Christian Indians celebrate Christmas with gift-giving and possibly midnight Mass like much of the Western world, yet they don’t have the fir or pine trees that more temperate areas in Europe and North America have. So these Christian Indians have to improvise with decorating banana and mango trees instead and sometimes they even use the leaves from those trees to decorate their houses.

3. Czech Republic and Slovakia

In these two countries, people who are still single but don’t want to remain so tend to stand with their backs toward the door and throw a shoe over their shoulders. Those about to get married soon will have their shoe toes pointing to the door. However, there’s no clue as to how long you’d meet the person of your dreams though.

Another marriage superstition in the Czech Republic in which woman place a cherry tree twig under water. If it blooms, it means she’ll marry next year.

In Slovakia, there’s also a curious tradition in which the family patriarch fills his spoon with loksa (a type of pudding), and flings it to the ceiling. The more he can get to stick up there, the better his harvest will be next year.

4. Japan

Yes, Japanese people spend Christmas at KFC that they need to make reservations well in advance. However, I'm sure that Kentucky Fried Chicken Christmas tradition can't be good for the arteries.

Yes, Japanese people spend Christmas at KFC that they need to make reservations well in advance. However, I’m sure that Kentucky Fried Chicken Christmas tradition can’t be good for the arteries.

Japan has a few Christmas traditions that you’d find are strange. And while only a few are practicing Christians, it’s a very popular secular holiday (and sometimes celebrated more like a wintertime Valentine’s Day). The first relates to a marketing campaign from more than 40 years ago that pertains to Japanese families eating KFC for Christmas dinner. This consist of KFC selling over 240,000 barrels of chicken which is 5 to 10 time its monthly sales. However, it’s unclear on how many years it takes off the lives of your average Japanese citizen as well as how much KFC for Christmas will increase their chances for cardiovascular disease, but I bet either is entirely possible.

Another Japanese tradition is the notion of Christmas cake which is a sponge cake that contains whipped cream, chocolate, and strawberries. These are ordered months in advance and are eaten on Christmas Eve. Any cake not sold after the 25th is unwanted. For the same reason, this is partly to explain why Japanese women over 25 were referred to as “Christmas Cake” if they weren’t married by their 26th birthday (this, until relatively recent times).

Still, if you want to send a Christmas card in Japan, avoid sending any one with red unless they are bereaved. Any Christmas cards with red colors should be avoided but good luck finding a redless Christmas card at your local Hallmark store. Also, their Santa Claus or “Santa Kurohsu”, has eyes in the back of his head to keep an eye on naughty children.

5. New Zealand

Rather than using the traditional conifer, New Zealanders decorate Pohutukawa trees for Christmas.

6. Cuba

Every December, the city of Remedios hosts the Parrandas festival in which the city divides in two halves with each building a themed sculpture from light bulbs, in preparation for Christmas Eve.

7. Finland

Of course, I'm not sure if going to a cemetery to light candles for dead relatives is my idea for a great Christmas Eve. But, hey, that's what the Finns do.

Of course, I’m not sure if going to a cemetery to light candles for dead relatives is my idea for a great Christmas Eve. But, hey, that’s what the Finns do.

Now while you think the Japanese tradition of eating sponge cakes and KFC is kind of weird, you should check out on what the Finns do on Christmas Eve. Now Christmas Eve is the time of year when Finnish families head to their home saunas since it’s believed that a sauna “elf” lives there to protect it and make sure people behave themselves. Thus, families would head to their sauna, strip to their toes, and enjoy a nice good naked soak, before visiting the graves of their dead relatives and lighting candles in their memory on the sites after sunset. And if they can’t, they go to a nearby cemetery instead as well as placed candles for those relatives buried elsewhere.

Oh, and it’s said that kids in Finland sleep on the floor on Christmas Eve so the dead can use their beds.

8. Venezuela

In Caracas, it’s customary for young children to go to bed with one end of a string tied to their big toe and leaving the other end outside their bedroom window. This is because before 8 a. m., the streets are closed to cars on Christmas so people had to get up nice and early to roller skate to “Early Morning Mass” as well as proceed to tug the strings that are still hanging to wake up the kids. Still, bet roller skating to Mass wouldn’t go well in my neck of the woods though (too many hills).

9. Sweden

While the Christmas goat is a Christianized Christmas tradition taken from the Norse, the Galve Goat has been a prime target for vandalism and arson since it first burned down around midnight on Christmas Day in 1966.

While the Christmas goat is a Christianized Christmas tradition taken from the Norse, the Galve Goat has been a prime target for vandalism and arson since it first burned down around midnight on Christmas Day in 1966.

From its first erection and 1966 Christmas Eve burning, the people of Galve build this 13 meter tall straw goat as vandals keep trying to burn it down. As of 2011, it’s been burned 25 times and by 1988 burning the goat happened so often that people began taking bets for its survival ever since. However, just so you know the people of Galve don’t want their goat burned down since an American tourist served time in jail for successfully doing so in 2011.

Another tradition in Sweden is families gathering around the TV at 3 PM on Christmas Eve to watch Donald Duck cartoons from a 1958 Disney program From All of Us to You (or as it’s called there “Donald Duck and his friends wish you a Merry Christmas.”). None of these cartoons have anything to do with Christmas, yet many Swedes could recite the dubbed lines by heart. And it basically started in 1959 when there were just enough TVs in Sweden’s population but only a couple of channels to watch from.

There’s also a Swedish Christmas tradition in which pertains to the serving of rice pudding around Smorgasbord in which one peeled almond is hidden in it. The person who gets the almond is said to be married within a year.

10. Ukraine

No, this isn't Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas tree. Ukranians actually decorate their Christmas tree with spiders since they think it would bring them luck.

No, this isn’t Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas tree. Ukranians actually decorate their Christmas tree with spiders since they think it would bring them luck.

You may think that the notion of decorating a Christmas tree with spider webs seems to be straight from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but in Ukraine it’s a tradition based on local folklore. The tradition starts from a story of a poor woman who couldn’t afford to decorate her Christmas tree for her kids. So some friendly spiders decided to spin webs on the tree instead. When the kids woke up the next morning, they saw the first light turn this cobweb laden tree into silver and gold. Thus, not only the children had a great Christmas, but the family was never left poor again. So, in Ukraine to decorate your tree with spider webs will ensure you good luck and fortune in the coming year. And you thought that was something you’d see Jack Skellington do.

11. Philippines

The Philippines consists of 80% Christians in its huge country with Catholicism as the most prominent denomination. In this country, Christmas celebrations last all the way into January. However, unlike a lot of countries, children leave their polished shoes out for the The Three Kings when they pass through the houses that night for the Feast of the Epiphany, marking the end of the Christmas season.

12. Great Britain

Now this is what the Brits call Christmas pudding. I know it doesn't look like something you'd get from your pudding mix back in the States.

Now this is what the Brits call Christmas pudding. I know it doesn’t look like something you’d get from your pudding mix back in the States. Looks more like cake.

Now a lot of Christmas traditions come from the Brits, yet there are few that don’t. For one, they don’t have Santa Claus but Father Christmas that now looks like Santa but in previous years was the Ghost of Christmas Present. One of them has to do with the notion of Christmas Pudding served on Christmas Day. Of course, as the pudding is stirred clockwise, every member of the family makes a wish. Sometimes it’s said that people put coins, rings, and thimbles to the mix which can symbolize wealth, marriage, and good luck for life. Still, for Americans unfamiliar with the notion of pudding in the British world of cuisine, understand that British pudding looks nothing like the creamy stuff you’d find in cups at the grocery store.

Another tradition in Great Britain has to do with children writing their Christmas wish list burning them in the back of the fireplace, hoping that the draft would carry them to the North Pole. Too bad that they haven’t heard of actually mailing them. Yet, if the letter catches fire before being sent up the chimney, the kiddie must write a new one.

Oh, and in London, it’s said that a group of competitors gather on the shore of Serpentine Lake to take part in a 100 yard race through the freezing water.

13. Canada

Yes, you can really write to Santa at H0H 0H0 and the Canada Post will assist him. Yes, I mean Canada.

Yes, you can really write to Santa at H0H 0H0 and the Canada Post will assist him. Yes, I mean Canada.

Want to send that letter to Santa but don’t know how to get it to the North Pole. Well, you’re in luck since Santa has his own postal code that consists of H0H 0H0 where it will be sent to Canada. So while Santa’s elves help with making those Christmas toys, for the past 30 years, it’s been the Canada Post volunteers who have helped Santa reply to millions of letters each year from children around the world in different languages, including Braille.

14. Spain

Now Spain is home to a lot of weird Christmas traditions but none is crazier than Catalonia's Caga Tio, which is a magic Yule log that grows and shits presents. Believe me, I'm not making this up.

Now Spain is home to a lot of weird Christmas traditions but none is crazier than Catalonia’s Caga Tio, which is a magic Yule log that grows and shits presents. Believe me, I’m not making this up.

With the exception of the peeing on the snow sweaters and the pooping reindeer, the thought of holiday fun and bodily functions usually don’t go together. However, the sole exception to this is in Catalonia, Spain, home to the extremely odd Caga Tio, which translates to “pooping log.” And no, he’s not a character from South Park. He’s a hollowed out, smiley-faced piece of wood bringing laughter and joy to Catalonian children in a long established cherished tradition of him pooping out presents. Honest to God, I’m not making this up.

Beginning on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (December 8), Caga Tio is placed on the fireplace, covered in a blanket, and treated as a pet. Each evening, the kiddies feed the log fruits, nuts, and chocolate in hopes that it’ll grow bigger. Meanwhile, the parents secretly swap out the log with a progressively bigger one until, it’s magically full grown by Christmas (again, I’m not making this up).

On Christmas Day, the family gathers around Caga Tio and sing songs to urge it to release its loot, which translate as, “Poop log, poop candy! If you don’t poop well, I’ll hit you with a stick. Poop log!” The brats then proceed to beat the log with sticks in order to force it to defecate traditional Christmas presents like Turon nougat candy, small toys, and coins. Now that’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard so far.

Catalonia is also known for a certain defecating figurine known as a

Catalonia is also known for a certain defecating figurine known as a “El Caganer” or “The Shitter,” which is put in the back of a nativity scene. And as you can tell, there are many types you can choose from.

Catalonia also has another Christmas tradition relating to defecation in the form of a Caganer which sits in the back of every traditional Catalan nativity scene (for at least 2 centuries). It’s a figurine of a man with his trousers down pooping, which represents fertility and good fortune. Recently, businesses have many figurines that resemble celebrities. Still, while putting a Caganer in a nativity scene is perfectly acceptable in Catalonia, it would probably be seen as something deeply sacrilegious to so in a manger scene in Kentucky. It’s also a tradition in the rest of Spain, France, Portugal, and Italy.

After Christmas, Spain has a holiday known as the Day of Innocents on December 28, which is it’s April Fool’s Day with the pranks and a day in which kids go from door to door asking for sweets, similar to Halloween, though they tend to make noise as well.Of course, this is a day to commemorate the lives of those young children slaughtered by King Herod. In Valencia, this day is celebrated with people throwing flour at each other.

Oh, and on New Year’s Eve, it’s customary for Spanish to wear red underwear and there’s even a race of people wearing only that in La Font Figuera. People of all ages participate in it.

15. Ethiopia

In Ethiopia, it's said that the shepherds were playing ganna when they heard about Jesus's birth. Of course, despite Christmas being about

In Ethiopia, it’s said that the shepherds were playing ganna when they heard about Jesus’s birth. Of course, despite Christmas being about “Peace on Earth and Good Will to Men,” this sport is anything but peaceful.

Ethiopians celebrate Christmas by playing a game called ganna on Christmas Eve. This stems from the tradition of shepherds playing it when they first heard of the birth of Jesus. However, this ball and stick game is anything but peaceful. The balls are made from olive wood or leather which can easily injure a player. And because there’s no rules on the field sizes, the goals are sometimes so far apart that neither team scores by nightfall on Christmas Eve.

16. Germany

How would you like to hear that every year on Christmas? Apparently, Christmas isn't much a

How would you like to hear that every year on Christmas? Apparently, Christmas isn’t much a “Silent Night,” in Bavaria.

While the glass pickle tradition in which a child who finds it gets an extra present may be mere rumor (it’s actually American), the tradition of the Bavarian Highlanders firing handheld mortars into air every year in traditional dress isn’t.

Yes, these are straw devils from Bavaria. And yes, they look pretty creepy.

Yes, these are straw devils from Bavaria. And yes, they look pretty creepy.

Also, in Bavaria around Christmastime, a group of people dress up as “straw devils” and run through the city of Bischofswiesen scaring the inhabitants.

In some German communities, during the celebrations, a fair haired girl would be anointed as, “Christ Child” in which she’d wear a crown of candles and visit nearby houses with a basket of presents.

And in most of Germany, kids leave their shoes outside their bedrooms for Saint Nicholas on December 5. In the morning, if they’ve been good, they’ll find a tree branch covered with sweets. If not, they’ll only find a branch, and we know what that’s going to be used for.

17. Greece

According to Greek folklore, subterranean goblins called Kallikantzaroi surface once every during the 12 days of Christmas and spend the rest of the year underground sawing the World Tree so that it would collapse and the Earth along with it. Yet, just as they’re about to make the final cuts, Christmas comes along causing them to forget about their mission so they decide to terrorize humanity. Yet, after the Christmas season, they find that the tree has healed itself and they have to start their sinister work all over again.

In northern Greece, there’s a tradition in which men get dressed in animal carcasses and carry swords, sing Christmas carols, and gather small gifts from the homes they visited. And if two different groups meet, they start a “war” until one of them surrenders.

18. Former Yugoslavia

2 weeks prior to Christmas, it’s become a tradition in the former Yugoslavia for children to sneak up to their mother and tie her feet to a chair. Then they dance and sing, “Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, what will you pay to get away?” She then gives them presents yet even that’s not enough to satisfy their materialistic appetites. So the next week they do the same thing to their father.

19. European Alpine Region

Man, I wonder if all these guys dressing up as the Krampus have something to do with the Furry fandom. Then again, why haven't I heard of this tradition from The Sound of Music?

Man, I wonder if all these guys dressing up as the Krampus have something to do with the Furry fandom. Then again, why haven’t I heard of this tradition from The Sound of Music?

Now I’ve written quite a bit about the Krampus in my series on mythological creatures, which is part of a Christmas tradition in parts of Germany, Austria, and Hungary. Now while we have Santa who delivers presents to good little boys and girls, it’s the Krampus who handles the bad kids, who looks like an evil creature from a 1980s fantasy film. Now his job is to wreak general havoc and dish out well-deserved punishments to the bad little children of the world. Carrying a large wicker basket on his back, similar to Santa’s sack, he kidnaps the naughtiest children and sends them straight to Hell. With less naughty kids, he simply whips them. Still, though of pagan origin, he’s been part of the Alpine Christmas tradition at least since 1600 with Krampus festivals going on since the 1800s. And now his popularity is spreading across the major US cities as an excuse to wear Krampus costumes and through bacchanal parties. Not to mention, there’s a Krampusnacht in early December in which some men dress as this demonic walking carpet, get drunk, and parade around town.

They also have a female Krampus called Perchta and when she gets her hands on naughty children, she’s said to rip open their abdomens, pull out their guts, and fill them with straw. Sweet dreams, children!

20. Switzerland

In Samnaun, Switzerland, you have ClauWau or the Santa Claus World Championships where red suited people gather from around the world to compete in Christmas themed contests. Though it's officially to see who's the best Santa team, the laughs are the real goal in this competition.

In Samnaun, Switzerland, you have ClauWau or the Santa Claus World Championships where red suited people gather from around the world to compete in Christmas themed contests. Though it’s officially to see who’s the best Santa team, the laughs are the real goal in this competition.

Switzerland is home to two crazy Christmas traditions in two towns that might as well put places like the Netherlands, Japan, Finland, the Alps, and Catalonia to shame. First, the little town of Samnaun is home to what’s known as the Santa Claus World Championships or ClauWau. Here, teams from all over the world dressed in their bright red and white Santa suits meet at a local ski resort to compete in Christmas themed contests. These events consists of relay races, a wooden rocking horse obstacle course, a gingerbread decorating contest, a chimney climbing contest where St. Nicks throw bags of toys over their backs and race to ring the bell at the top of the chimney, and more, all with the goal of crowning the best Santa team. Of course, at this holly-jolly event, gaining some holiday inspired laughs is the real goal here.

On December 5th, the Swiss town of Kussnacht has Klausjagan, or

On December 5th, the Swiss town of Kussnacht has Klausjagan, or “Chasing of the Claus,” which is a 2 hour festival of villagers chasing Santa Claus with 8 foot whips as well as having locals dressed in giant illuminated stained glass bishop hats in a procession. Also have people loudly blasting cowbells, instruments, and horns.

In another Swiss town called Kussnacht, an age old pagan celebration to ward off evil spirits has evolved into the tradition of Klausjagan, translating into, “chasing the Klaus.” This 2 hour festival begins on December 5th and celebrated as Saint Nicholas Day with villagers proceeding by cracking 8ft long whips all with the intention of harassing Santa Claus. And I’m not making this up. Afterwards, there’s a procession of 200 locals dressed in giant illuminated stained glass bishop hats in an ogle of 200,000. And the festival concludes with a march of over 1,000 locals loudly blasting cowbells, instruments, and horns. Sure it may make sense as a ritual to ward off evil spirits, but directing the focus on Santa Claus since Christianization is just plain weird. Then again, merging Christian theology with old pagan rituals is how many of these traditions were created in the first place.

21. Italy

Every Epiphany Eve, the witch La Befana goes to houses where she drops gifts for the children in Italy. Of course, despite looking like an old hag, she's said to be a very nice lady.

Every Epiphany Eve, the witch La Befana goes to houses where she drops gifts for the children in Italy. Of course, despite looking like an old hag, she’s said to be a very nice lady.

In addition to Santa Claus, Italian children also have another Christmas gift giver named La Befana who’s an old haggard witch on a broom, bestowing gifts to good Italian kids on the eve of Epiphany January 5. And like Santa Claus, she brings coal to the bad kids too as well as goes down chimneys. Like many Christmas rituals and despite looking like a Halloween caricature, La Befana was once a pagan figure of a woman on a pyre to symbolize death and rebirth. She was recreated in the 13th century with Christianity in mind with an established legend as well. In it, she’s said to have turned down an invite from the Three Wise Men to visit Baby Jesus in the manger. Wracked with guilt and regret, she now travels the world on the eve to deliver presents in order to make up for the mistake. Yet, I’m sure that only Italy got the memo. Then again, there’s a similar figure named Babouschka in Russia.

Also, Italians don’t have Christmas trees, but use small wooden pyramids covered in fruit instead.

22. Ireland

In Ireland, it’s a tradition to leave mince pies and a bottle of Guinness for Santa Claus.

The Irish also have a strange tradition of men caroling in straw costumes and carrying dead wrens on sticks.

23. Mexico

In Oaxacca, they have Night of the Radishes on December 23, in which artisans carve oversized radish art to compete in the local contest.

In Oaxacca, they have Night of the Radishes on December 23, in which artisans carve oversized radish art to compete in the local contest.

In the region of Oaxaca has a Christmas tradition known as La Noche de Rabanos on December 23 or “Night of the Radishes,” which has been going on for over 116 years. This was started by 16th century Spanish Missionaries who decided to incorporate the local native carving practices into the conversion. This tradition involves a surreal arts festival in which artisans compete by carving oversized root festivals with cash prizes for the best radish sculpture. Today this contests attracts a hundred annual competitors as well as thousands of tourists.

Oaxaca is also a place where the Christmas festivities begin with a parade with people walking down the lantern-lit streets, and knocking on every door to re-enact Mary and Joseph’s search for shelter. Then they break ceramic plates near the cathedral to signify the year’s end.

Mexico is also the native range of the Poinsettia which is the standard flower for Christmas. This became incorporated in the US traditions around the time of the Mexican War.

Mexico is also the native range of the Poinsettia which is the standard flower for Christmas. This became incorporated in the US traditions around the time of the Mexican War.

Mexico is also the native range for the poinsettia and the reason why it’s a Christmas tradition in the United States since the Mexican War. According to local legend, a poverty-stricken brother and sister left a bouquet of weedy branches as a gift to the Christ Child at their church. Other children laughed at their meager offering a cluster of red star shaped flowers began to bloom from the branches and they became known as Flores de Noche Buena or “Flowers of the Holy Night,” and would be named after US Ambassador to Mexico, Joel Roberts Poinsett.

24. Norway

Norway’s Christmas seems to be regarded share some parallels with Halloween, such as a night when evil spirits taunt the living. It’s believed in Norway that on Christmas, witches come out searching for brooms to steal from hapless citizens before flying off into the cold, dark night. Thus, before Christmas, it was said that Norwegian women would hide all the household brooms and mops while the men fire guns outside to scare away the evil entities. Not to mention, it’s said that some Norwegians engage in Julebukking or “Christmas-goating” where they dress up in goat masks while visiting people. Let’s just say that Christmas in Norway is anything but silent night if you ask me. And you thought that country was just known for Lutefisk.

25. North Korea

Sure North Korea is an atheistic and communist state as mandated in which most of the residents don’t have access to electricity. Yet, the state has its own way of celebrating the Christmas season-by threatening to declare war on South Korea whenever it erects a Christmas tree near the border. Of course, North Korea said that the illuminated Christmas tree is “propaganda” that might convince people on the North Korean border that South Korea may be a better place (it is).

26. South Africa

A common Christmas dish in this country is deep fried Emperor Moth caterpillar. Doesn’t exactly look like a gourmet treat but maybe it tastes delicious.

Children are also told about the story of Danny, a young boy who angered his grandmother by eating the cookies left for Santa. She killed him in a rage and he’s said to haunt homes at Christmas.

27. Greenland

A traditional Christmas dish in this area is Kiviaq, which is better explained by one BBC commentator quoted from the Huffington Post:

“The delicacy is created by first preparing a seal skin: all the meat is removed and only a thick layer of fat remains. The skin is then sewn into a bag shape, which is stuffed with 300-500 little auk birds. Once full and airtight, the skin is sewn up and seal fat is smeared over all over the join, which acts as a repellent to flies. The seal skin is then left under a pile of rocks to ferment for a minimum of three months to a maximum of 18 months.”

Disgusting.

28. Iceland

Iceland has a Yule Cat who's not very nice and is said to devour lazy children without clothes for Christmas. You can see why Icelanders work so hard.

Iceland has a Yule Cat who’s not very nice and is said to devour lazy children without clothes for Christmas. You can see why Icelanders work so hard.

While Italy has La Befana and Catalonia has Cago Tio, Iceland has Jólakötturinn the Yule or Christmas Cat. However, he’s not a nice cat and could possibly eat you. In many Icelandic families, those who finished all their work on time receive new clothes on Christmas, slackers didn’t (though this might be a threat). So to encourage kids to work hard, parents tell their kids that Jólakötturinn can distinguish lazy children by the fact they don’t have at least one new item of clothing for Christmas. And these children would be sacrificed to him. You can see why Icelanders put in more overtime hours than most Europeans.

Here is a chart on the 13 Yule Lads and their parents. Each of them has a name in which they're best known for doing. But, let's just say they really mellowed with the coming of Santa Claus.

Here is a chart on the 13 Yule Lads and their parents. Each of them has a name in which they’re best known for doing. But, let’s just say they really mellowed with the coming of Santa Claus.

Iceland also has a group of men called the Jólasveinar or Yule Lads who are Icelandic trolls and used to steal things and cause trouble around Christmastime. And like the Yule Cat, were used to scare the kiddies straight. Yet, after the introduction of Santa Claus in the 20th century, these guys have soon mellowed to be nice enough to leave gifts in kids’ shoes. And the gift giving lasts for 13 days straight because there are 13 Jólasveinar, each with their own distinct personality, which is from December 12-24. Yet, it’s said their mom isn’t so nice and is said to stew naughty kids. Oh, and their names are Spoon Licker, Bowl Licker, Door Slammer, Sausage Swiper, Door Sniffer, Window Peeper, Meat Hook and Candle Beggar, just as an example. And it’s said that bad kids end up with a bunch of potatoes which I wouldn’t mind to tell the truth.

29. Latvia

While Mummering is done in a lot of European countries and Newfoundland, it's very prominent in Latvia. Of course, it's basically a mix between Christmas caroling and trick or treating.

While Mummering is done in a lot of European countries and Newfoundland, it’s very prominent in Latvia. Of course, it’s basically a mix between Christmas caroling and trick or treating.

In Latvia, Christmastime is still associated with pagan European roots as well as often celebrated from December 22nd to the 25th. Now the Latvian Christmas traditions bear a lot of similarities to Halloween in which people dress up as mummers wearing some kind of mask associated with dead animals and go from house to house playing music and bestowing blessings on the places they visited. In return, they’re given food to eat. In a way, this kind of ritual is like a cross between Christmas caroling and Halloween trick-or-treating. Mummering is also done in Newfoundland and other places as well.

30. Iraq

Iraq has only a few Christians but they have an unusual Christmas ceremony with lighting a bonfire from dried thorns outside their houses. The future of the family’s house depends on how the fire burns. If the thorns are reduced to ashes, then the family would have good fortune. And when fire becomes ashes, everyone jumps in to make a wish. Of course, this tradition may be on the decline due to the rise of ISIS and the fact that lighting fire may make Christians easier targets around the holidays. So sad.

31. Estonia

Like the Finns, the Estonians celebrate Christmas with a visit to the local sauna where they usually bathe nude on Christmas Eve. Basically this entails bonding with your folks in a hot room while drinking vodka, sharing stories, and relaxing. Of course, depending on point of view, this could be either a great alternative to the norm or downright horrifying (the latter in my case).

32. Wales

In Wales, we have Mari Lwyd, which is a festival in which a chosen member of the community parades around the street in a dead horse's skull. Must be traumatizing to the Welsh kiddies.

In Wales, we have Mari Lwyd, which is a festival in which a chosen member of the community parades around the street in a dead horse’s skull. Must be traumatizing to the Welsh kiddies.

Well, Mari Lwyd is more of an after Christmas tradition as well as New Year’s but it’s very crazy nevertheless. Each year in some Welsh villages, Christmas caroling takes a twisted turn when a villager is selected to perform Mari Lwyd, which consists of parading around the streets in a decorated mare’s skull (sometimes with a spring loaded jaw to snap at people) fashioned to a wooden pole covered by a white sheet, while villagers sing. Bet you wouldn’t see that in How Green Was My Valley.

33. Australia

While Europe and North America tend to associate Christmas with snow, Australia basically associates the holiday with volleyball, beach parties,

While Europe and North America tend to associate Christmas with snow, Australia basically associates the holiday with volleyball, beach parties, “Christmas Bush,” and surfing Santas. After all Christmas is a summer holiday for them.

While people in Europe and North America are dreaming of a white Christmas, that dream is basically impossible in Southern Hemisphere nations like Australia who celebrate Christmas in the summer where temperatures are between 68 to 84 degrees Fahrenheit. So images of Santa pulling up a surfboard are a common sight down under. And instead of decorating a fir or pine tree, they use a native plant known as “Christmas Bush.” Oh, and for Australians, Christmas is a time for picnics, beach parties, swimming, and volleyball, you know, traditions most Americans would associate with the 4th of July.

34. Guatemala

On December 7, Guatemala kicks of the Christmas season with La Quema del Diablo where people sweep their homes and gather trash in a big pile where the burn it with Satan in effigy.

On December 7, Guatemala kicks of the Christmas season with La Quema del Diablo where people sweep their homes and gather trash in a big pile where the burn it with Satan in effigy.

Around December 7, Guatemalans celebrate a holiday known as La Quema del Diablo where they sweep their homes and collect trash from around their property creating a massive heap of refuse on the street. The pile is crowned with a Satan effigy and set ablaze and the Christmas season can begin. No, this isn’t how “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” got started, it’s actually a cleansing ritual said to expunge evil spirits and negative energy from upcoming festivities. Seems similar to the celebration relating to the Aztec goddess Tochi sans the human sacrificing part, of course.

35. Portugal

During Christmas dinner, it’s not unusual for Portuguese families to set extra places at their tables for deceased relatives. It’s thought the practice will ensure the household good fortune.

36. Scotland

While Christmas is treated as a time of quiet reflection with family and friends, their New Year’s Eve is a loud, joyous occasion celebrating the birth of the New Year called Hogamanay. An important tradition relating to New Year’s is called First-Footing. Once midnight sets in, all eyes await the arrival of the year’s first visitor who’s said to be the predictor of good fortune in the year ahead. Tall, dark handsome men like Hugh Jackman, Gregory Peck, and Jon Hamm are preferred while women and blondes are deemed unlucky. It’s also supposed to bring an array of gifts like coins (symbolizing fortune), bread (food), and whiskey (good cheer).

Scotland also has a festival known as Up Helly Aa dating from the 1800s in which young men would mischievously drag flaming barrels of tar into the streets. Nowadays, after the fiery parade, participants gather and toss their torches into replica Viking long ship. Then they hold private parties in flamboyant costumes. This celebration signals the end of the Christmas season.

37. Denmark

On Christmas Eve, Danish families leave rice pudding or porridge to make sure the devilish elf Nisse is nice to them. It’s said if they don’t then he may steal presents before the kiddies wake up on Christmas morning.

38. Poland

In some parts of Poland, it’s still tradition for people to make their own elaborate nativity scenes for Christmas with a backdrop of local architecture. Called szopka, these scenes are painstakingly created from materials like cardboard, plastic, and tin foil. This tradition began by local craftsmen to earn extra money on Christmas. In Krakow, there’s even a szopka competition on the first Thursday in December.

39. Belgium

In Belgium, they have two Santas who come around for Saint Nicholas Day which is either Saint Nicholas or Pere Noel depending on what language you speak but they leave either gifts or sticks depending how good the kiddies are. However, they do things a little differently. For instance, while Saint Nicholas goes on a preliminary visit to know how good the kiddies are, Pere Noel just  asks Pere Fouettard, whoever he is.

40. Brazil

In Brazil, Santa Claus or they call him Papai Noel, flies down from Greenland where he drops his heavy Santa attire and opts for sleek vacation like duds. Well, what do you expect from a guy carrying a sack of toys in 90 degree heat?

41. Former Soviet Union

Instead of Santa Claus, Eastern Europe has a guy named Ded Moroz who shares many of the big guy in the red suit's characteristics. Of course, in his earliest tales, he's a cruel sorcerer who froze people and kidnapped children. And the parents had to give presents to him to get their kids back.

Instead of Santa Claus, Eastern Europe has a guy named Ded Moroz who shares many of the big guy in the red suit’s characteristics. Of course, in his earliest tales, he’s a cruel sorcerer who froze people and kidnapped children. And the parents had to give presents to him to get their kids back.

While Ded Moroz “Father Frost” has been present in Russian folklore since the 17th century, he would be reinvented by the Communists as a symbol for the New Year along with “Snow Maiden” and “New Year Boy.” Originally considered an enemy by the Communist regime, Ded Moroz was said to be an ally of the “priests and boyars” Ded Moroz was quickly adopted as New Year symbol or the Soviet replacement Christmas since the communists either hated Christmas’ religious significance or how it’s embroiled in the reckless consumerism and commercialization in the United States. But he was in a lot of Soviet style nativity scenes. Now after the fall of the Soviet Union, Ded Moroz is now a Christian Symbol once more as well as relatively popular.

42. United States

The United States isn’t above holding strange Christmas traditions either as I’ll list the following that covers certain areas:

If my relatives sent me a Christmas card like this, I would wonder what the hell was wrong with them. Seriously, this is just wrong on so many levels.

If my relatives sent me a Christmas card like this, I would wonder what the hell was wrong with them. Seriously, this is just wrong on so many levels.

Now the state of Arizona is known for right wing politics and a distaste for gun control. The Scottsville Gun Club in Scottsdale, Arizona has an event called “Santa and Machine Guns” which allows families (even those with children and babies) take their pick of weaponry from a large arsenal of pistols, shotguns, AK-47s, grenade launchers, and machine guns and use them as props in a cozy Christmas photo op with Santa Claus. Elves give gun safety instructions to the uninitiated before the picture is taken and the pictures are put on Christmas cards to send to families (one of them I put in a Christmas card post last year). Disturbingly enough (especially in the wake of Newtown), it’s a very popular event attracting hundreds lining up.

From the 16th to 19th centuries in the United States, Britain, and Canada, it wasn’t uncommon to play snap dragon around the Christmas season which people tried snatching raisins out of a bowl of burning brandy in which people would pop into the mouth to extinguish them. Successful players would be seen with their hands and mouths dripping with blue flames. It has died out for obvious reasons regarding fire safety.

Another odd US Christmas tradition that has really taken off is SantaCon, which is a time when people dress up as Santa, elves, and reindeer, sing Christmas songs, and go on bar crawls.

Another odd US Christmas tradition that has really taken off is SantaCon, which is a time when people dress up as Santa, elves, and reindeer, sing Christmas songs, and go on bar crawls.

Since 1994, the Cacophony Society in San Francisco has hosted the annual SantaCon. Originally created as a thinking man’s demonstration as a lighthearted protests on Christmas consumerism and commercialism, it’s become a worldwide Christmas convention where thousands of followers dress up as Santa Claus, elf, or reindeer and travel around a given city in massive packs bursting into Christmas songs, stopping at local bars, and stunning passersby. It’s also evolved into an elaborate party and drinking event with widespread rowdiness and public drunkenness like on Saint Patrick’s Day. Lately, it’s become a worldwide phenomenon and sometimes called, “The Running of the Santas.”

This is just a primer on Festivus for those unfamiliar with it. Of course, this was a holiday invented by a father of one of the Seinfeld writers.

This is just a primer on Festivus for those unfamiliar with it. Of course, this was a holiday invented by a father of one of the Seinfeld writers as a parody for Christmas.

And let’s not forget the old tradition of Festivus, a parody Christmas tradition popularized by Seinfeld that takes place on December 23rd. Ironically, this tradition was started by the father of one of the show’s writers. Now this includes a Festivus dinner that includes, an unadorned Festivus pole. It includes practices with the “Airing of Grievances” with each person lashing out words at others and the world about how they’ve been disappointed this year as well as the “Feats of Strength” with the head of household selecting a person at the Festivus celebration and challenging them to wrestling match. And it’s said that Festivus isn’t over until the household head is pinned. Then there’s the notion of “Festivus Miracles” which pertain to easily explainable events. Since the 1997 Seinfeld episode, “The Strike,” it’s gained a widespread adoption.

People in Southern Louisiana are known to have massive bonfires to light up the Mississippi River so that the French Papa Noel can find their houses.

In New York since 1966, TV station WPIX basically broadcasts of a Yule log burning for 24 hours on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

For more: http://www.whychristmas.com/cultures/

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now that I’m back from my break doing posts on Christmas in Tackyland, let’s get down to business since I know many of you come to my blog around the holidays specifically to look at my treasure trove of bad and kitschy Christmas stuff. Another well-known Christmas tradition during the season is the idea of the ugly sweater party, where people gather to celebrate Christmas bringing gifts, food, and donning their gay apparel with their poor fashion sense. Some people get their ugliest sweaters online or at the store already premade, while others get creative and make their own. As with mine, well, I basically got it from my mother. Well, it’s not exactly what I’d call “ugly” per se, but it basically consists of a combination of two styles such as tacky Christmas sweater meets the traditional robes of the Ming Dynasty. Yet, compared to the other sweaters you’ll look at in this post, this is actually pretty tame (for an ugly Christmas sweater, but as a Chinese robe, it’s atrocious). But here I open a post with me sitting on my couch near the Christmas tree as my parents watch the Pittsburgh Penguins take on the Calgary Flames. Nevertheless, I wore this sweater at the Westmoreland Mall Macy’s for Black Friday while working for ten hours as well as for my family Thanksgiving dinner afterwards. So without further adieu, here are some of the great moments in Christmas dress tackiness. Enjoy for your pleasure though some may not be safe for work, by the way.

1. For our first Christmas fashion disaster, I bring you Santa Dress.

I suppose that this woman is a kindergarten teacher. And I think this dress was designed by one of her students.

I suppose that this woman is a kindergarten teacher. And I think this dress was designed by one of her students.

2. I call this one, “Elf Torpedo Tits.”

Of course, until I saw this picture, I didn't know that they hired strippers at the North Pole. Guess Santa's elves need some entertaining distraction from their lives.

Of course, until I saw this picture, I didn’t know that they hired strippers at the North Pole. Guess Santa’s elves need some entertaining distraction from their lives.

3. In Mexico, they don’t celebrate Christmas wearing ugly sweaters. They celebrate Navidad wearing Navidad ponchos.

Of course, this picture was taken during Chad's time as a foreign exchange student at the Universidad de Tijuana.

Of course, this picture was taken during Chad’s time as a foreign exchange student at the Universidad de Tijuana.

4. Of course, this sweater reminds that dogs will go where they may.

Also, the fact that Scruffy here has no respect whatsoever for Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty.

Also, the fact that Scruffy here has no respect whatsoever for Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty.

5. As Bob Dylan said, “The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.”

Yes, the answer is certainly blowing in the wind and so is Frosty's head. Or was.

Yes, the answer is certainly blowing in the wind and so is Frosty’s head. Or was.

6. For this Christmas season, have your hair done in the style a la Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Now this is how you style your hair for an ugly sweater party. Still, very funny. Why didn't I think of this?

Now this is how you style your hair for an ugly sweater party. Still, very funny. Why didn’t I think of this?

7. This lady is totally rocking it in her Frosty dress.

Of course, the kids are going to say, "What do you mean she's Frosty? She doesn't look like Frosty the Snowman to me!" Still, I wonder if the kids understand the concept of either "sexy costumes" or "making do with what they got."

Of course, the kids are going to say, “What do you mean she’s Frosty? She doesn’t look like Frosty the Snowman to me!” Still, I wonder if the kids understand the concept of either “sexy costumes” or “making do with what they got.”

8. I give you the gift bow dress.

Of course, if you have all those bows in your Christmas gift wrapping supplies, what else are you going to do?

Of course, if you have all those bows in your Christmas gift wrapping supplies, what else are you going to do?

9. Here’s a great Christmas sweater featuring the Great Emancipator in his Santa hat.

Seriously, I understand that Abraham Lincoln was a great American President who led the US while it was torn apart by civil war as well as has a very important person in American history. But what the hell does he have to do with Christmas?

Seriously, I understand that Abraham Lincoln was a great American President who led the US while it was torn apart by civil war as well as has a very important person in American history. But what the hell does he have to do with Christmas?

10. “.Fra-gee-lay. Must be Italian.”

I'm sure that reads "fragile" like easily breakable. Yet, I wonder if the guy is Italian though. Seems like he is.

I’m sure that reads “fragile” like easily breakable. Yet, I wonder if the guy is Italian though. Seems like he is.

11. So it’s Christmas and Hell must’ve frozen over. Or not.

Of course, when I see a picture of a skull wearing ear muffs and a scarf, I don't think it's a good sign. Rather, I might suspect that cannibalism was involved.

Of course, when I see a picture of a skull wearing ear muffs and a scarf, I don’t think it’s a good sign. Rather, I might suspect that cannibalism was involved.

12. Ugly Christmas sweater? Nah, how about an ugly Christmas suit instead?

Now I'm sure this guy looks even more ridiculous in the ski lodge with that Christmas suit on. Looks so silly I can't help but laugh.

Now I’m sure this guy looks even more ridiculous in the ski lodge with that Christmas suit on. Looks so silly I can’t help but laugh.

13. Got a black plain sweatshirt? Well, why don’t you take a knack at decorating it like a Christmas wreath with a red bow in the center?

I'm sure this woman took a lot of time to make this sweater as she stands as if she's proud of what she accomplished. Still, I love the wreath though.

I’m sure this woman took a lot of time to make this sweater as she stands as if she’s proud of what she accomplished. Still, I love the wreath though.

14. Have your Christmas sweater vest light up which will make you the life of the party.

Now this girl looks very excited rocking in her lit up Christmas sweater vest. I also wonder what's in that cup she's holding. Still, I wouldn't be caught dead acting like that at my Aunt Mary's place on Christmas Eve.

Now this girl looks very excited rocking in her lit up Christmas sweater vest. I also wonder what’s in that cup she’s holding. Still, I wouldn’t be caught dead acting like that at my Aunt Mary’s place on Christmas Eve.

15. For the little girl in your life, perhaps you can take her to the ugly sweater party dressed as a cute little Christmas tree.

Of course, this little angel is thinking, "why did mommy and daddy have me dress in this stupid tree costume? Everyone at Grandma's house is going to laugh at me."

Of course, this little angel is thinking, “why did mommy and daddy have me dress in this stupid tree costume? Everyone at Grandma’s house is going to laugh at me.”

16. Wake up on Christmas morning wearing Ralphie’s bunny pajamas.

Ironically, because of A Christmas Story, it's now acceptable for guys to wear pink bunny pajamas on Christmas morning. The expression on this guy's face is just hilarious.

Ironically, because of A Christmas Story, it’s now acceptable for guys to wear pink bunny pajamas on Christmas morning. The expression on this guy’s face is just hilarious.

17. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas” than donning a Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on your boob.

Okay, note to self: Don't ever think of trying this idea at your Aunt Mary's house on Christmas Eve. Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this. Still, this might be great with nursing mothers.

Okay, note to self: Don’t ever think of trying this idea at your Aunt Mary’s house on Christmas Eve. Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this. Still, this might be great with nursing mothers.

18. Either this is Santa’s female sidekick Plinkerbell or some kind of female Christmas Superheroine called Tinseltoe.

Of course, while this is certainly a festive outfit, I'm sure that it's one of the most atrocious Christmas costumes I've seen so far. Seems like this woman spared no expense whatsoever.

Of course, while this is certainly a festive outfit, I’m sure that it’s one of the most atrocious Christmas costumes I’ve seen so far. Seems like this woman spared no expense whatsoever.

19. I call this one, “Santa Spring Tits.”

Of course, I'm sure this woman is another North Pole stripper elf but she didn't want me to show her face due to privacy reasons.

Of course, I’m sure this woman is another North Pole stripper elf but she didn’t want me to show her face due to privacy reasons.

20. Okay, I understand why they called him “Frosty the Snow ‘man'” instead of “Frosty the Snow ‘woman.'”

Small Child: "Why does the snowman have a carrot and coal on the bottom like that on Uncle Bobby's sweater?" Dad: "You'll learn when you're older, sweetie."

Small Child: “Why does the snowman have a carrot and coal on the bottom like that on Uncle Bobby’s sweater?”
Dad: “You’ll learn when you’re older, sweetie.”

21. Bring the festive spirit of Christmas with this Christmas tree costume.

Of course, at the Christmas Party, you might have people trying to put presents under you than giving them to you.

Of course, at the Christmas Party, you might have people trying to put presents under you than giving them to you.

22. Of course, you can’t forget Jesus, since he’s the Birthday for Christmas.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if having Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater is a great idea. In fact, it may possibly border on sacrilege, if you ask me. I mean Jesus kind of deserves more respect than that.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if having Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater is a great idea. In fact, it may possibly border on sacrilege, if you ask me. I mean Jesus kind of deserves more respect than that.

23. Of course, why be the only one in your family getting in the Christmas spirit while you can include your whole family?

Of course, I'm sure the whole family approved that they attend the Christmas Party at Grandma's house by wearing sweaters containing giant green candy canes. Then again, maybe it was just the parents' idea.

Of course, I’m sure the whole family approved that they attend the Christmas Party at Grandma’s house by wearing sweaters containing giant green candy canes. Then again, maybe it was just the parents’ idea.

24. For couples, you might want to try this lovely reindeer sweater combination.

Of course, I'm sure the woman usually wears the top half while the man wears the other for obvious reasons. Still, reminds me of "in one end and out the other."

Of course, I’m sure the woman usually wears the top half while the man wears the other for obvious reasons. Still, reminds me of “in one end and out the other.”

25. Now this hostess certainly has all the bows and tinsel on her dress.

Yes, this is another bow dress but this one also includes tinsel and seems more Christmasy. Also, she seems to be saying, "Who wants Christmas cookies?"

Yes, this is another bow dress but this one also includes tinsel and seems more Christmasy. Also, she seems to be saying, “Who wants Christmas cookies?”

26. Of course, you can always include a winter scene.

Yet, this woman seems to deck her outfit with a winter scene enclosed in a plastic bag with some cutouts for a barn and tree as well as lots and lots of cotton.

Yet, this woman seems to deck her outfit with a winter scene enclosed in a plastic bag with some cutouts for a barn and tree as well as lots and lots of cotton.

27. Christmas is always the time for joy.

Yet, when a woman is wearing a Christmas sweater reading, "Feel the Joy" and has two black hands on her chest, I don't think you want to abide.

Yet, when a woman is wearing a Christmas sweater reading, “Feel the Joy” and has two black hands on her chest, I don’t think you want to abide.

28. Seems like this woman is feeling festive in all her greenery.

Now this woman seems like she didn't have much choice to wear this sweater at her Christmas Party. Mainly because she's actually a waitress at the country club.

Now this woman seems like she didn’t have much choice to wear this sweater at her Christmas Party. Mainly because she’s actually a waitress at the country club.

29. “Up on the housetop, reindeer falls. Out jumps good ol’ Santa Claus. Down through the chimney with lots of toys, all for the good little girls and boys.”

Yet, I'm sure that this guy used a creepy psycho Santa Claus foe his chimney and fireplace Christmas sweater. Still, where the hell is the guy's face for God's sake?

Yet, I’m sure that this guy used a creepy psycho Santa Claus foe his chimney and fireplace Christmas sweater. Still, where the hell is the guy’s face for God’s sake?

30. At your Christmas party, come as Santa Claus decorating the tree.

Of course, my question about this outfit other than sheer tackiness is how the hell does this guy manage to sit down in this? Also, I'm sure he has to take it off once in a while.

Of course, my question about this outfit other than sheer tackiness is how the hell does this guy manage to sit down in this? Also, I’m sure he has to take it off once in a while.

31. Of course, what’s a Gingerbread Man without his can of Bud Light?

Just what I need, a drunk Gingerbread cookie. Now the last Christmas cookie I need is one that tastes like beer.

Just what I need, a drunk Gingerbread cookie. Now the last Christmas cookie I need is one that tastes like beer.

32. Seems like Crumpet just got drunk at his RV home.

So I guess that the North Pole has it's share of redneck elves who live in their trailers. Makes sense.

So I guess that the North Pole has it’s share of redneck elves who live in their trailers. Makes sense.

33. Deck the halls at your Christmas party by donning this sweater with a big red bow that lights.

Now I'm sure this is a very tacky Christmas sweater. Yet, at the same time it's all so charming.

Now I’m sure this is a very tacky Christmas sweater. Yet, at the same time it’s all so charming.

34. I’m sure dressing in pink is the height of Christmas fashion.

This Grandma is about as chic in her reindeer pink sweater as that aluminum Christmas tree in the background. Yeah, I'm sure she really stands out.

This Grandma is about as chic in her reindeer pink sweater as that aluminum Christmas tree in the background. Yeah, I’m sure she really stands out.

35. Show your love for the classic A Christmas Story, with this Christmas sweater featuring the legendary leg lamp.

Now I'm sure this guy is the life of the party. Yet, since it has appeared in a family film, I'm sure it's totally appropriate for even family occasions, even if leg lamps are better suited for strip clubs and bars.

Now I’m sure this guy is the life of the party. Yet, since it has appeared in a family film, I’m sure it’s totally appropriate for even family occasions, even if leg lamps are better suited for strip clubs and bars.

36. For your Christmas sweater, perhaps make this holiday beefcake a lovely trimming.

Now this sweater would've been perfectly all right. The Harlequin Romance hottie in the right hand corner just makes it seem more horrendous and in poor taste.

Now this sweater would’ve been perfectly all right. The Harlequin Romance hottie in the right hand corner just makes it seem more horrendous and in poor taste.

37. Seems that Santa just got stuck in the chimney.

Well, if Santa Claus had basically tried to manage his weight better, maybe he wouldn't keep getting stuck in people's chimneys.

Well, if Santa Claus had basically tried to manage his weight better, maybe he wouldn’t keep getting stuck in people’s chimneys.

38. Come to your Christmas Party, dressed up as Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.

On second thought, perhaps dressing up as Cousin Eddie for your Christmas party probably isn't a good idea.

On second thought, perhaps dressing up as Cousin Eddie for your Christmas party probably isn’t a good idea.

39. Now this sweater has a stuffed reindeer that I’m sure your relatives would love.

Well, all seems quite well at the front but when you look it the back.....yeah.

Well, all seems quite well at the front but when you look it the back…..yeah.

40. Decorate your Christmas sweater with a lot of jingle bells.

Of course, ugly Christmas sweaters have the potential to make tough biker dudes be reduced to icons of utter ridiculousness.

Of course, ugly Christmas sweaters have the potential to make tough biker dudes be reduced to icons of utter ridiculousness.

41. Of course, Kris Kringle is here to mingle.

Now I'm sure that Santa Claus with a beer isn't going to go well with a G rated Christmas party. Seriously, why?

Now I’m sure that Santa Claus with a beer isn’t going to go well with a G rated Christmas party. Seriously, why?

42. Shimmer at the Christmas party house with this lovely leg lamp dress.

Yes, that's a leg lamp costume but I'm sure that the only thing keeping it from being a strictly stripper club outfit is the fact it's inspired by a prop from a family film.

Yes, that’s a leg lamp costume but I’m sure that the only thing keeping it from being a strictly stripper club outfit is the fact it’s inspired by a prop from a family film.

43. I call this one, “the Santa Claus Hat Spring Boobs.”

If Madonna had an ugly Christmas sweater for a party, it would certainly look like this.

If Madonna had an ugly Christmas sweater for a party, it would certainly look like this.

44. Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season.

Now I don't know about you but I think putting Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater doesn't seem to be very respectful. Also, why is the Baby Jesus holding a present in his hand?

Now I don’t know about you but I think putting Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater doesn’t seem to be very respectful. Also, why is the Baby Jesus holding a present in his hand?

45. Celebrate the season with a Christmas leopard sweater?

Okay, what do leopards have to do with Christmas? They're from India and Africa for God's sake! Seriously, why?

Okay, what do leopards have to do with Christmas? They’re from India and Africa for God’s sake! Seriously, why?

46. I’m sure your nutcracker is makes your pink sweater a perfect Christmas fashion item.

Actually, like the previous one, this pepto pink sweater seems horrendously tacky if you ask me. Also, nutcrackers are kind of creepy.

Actually, like the previous one, this pepto pink sweater seems horrendously tacky if you ask me. Also, nutcrackers are kind of creepy.

47. Be sure to have your Christmas suit contain snowmen and Christmas trees.

I'm sure this guy loves to model in this suit for the Amazon catalog site. Still, he doesn't look that bad, but he must feel embarrassed.

I’m sure this guy loves to model in this suit for the Amazon catalog site. Still, he doesn’t look that bad, but he must feel embarrassed.

48. Looks like Santa Claus needs to make a pit stop.

Well, if Santa has to go, he's gotta go. And if he doesn't have access to a bathroom at the moment, he'll go in the snow.

Well, if Santa has to go, he’s gotta go. And if he doesn’t have access to a bathroom at the moment, he’ll go in the snow.

49. Of course, this guy certainly rocks in his Christmas tree suit.

Sure this guy may be modeling very ugly suits, but he can take a ride in my one horse open sleigh any day.

Sure this guy may be modeling very ugly suits, but he can take a ride in my one horse open sleigh any day.

50. Seems that Twinkletoes has met a great reception for her North Pole gig.

Then again, seems like Santa's elves seemed starved for entertainment lately. Looks like there's not much you can do at the North Pole.

Then again, seems like Santa’s elves seemed starved for entertainment lately. Looks like there’s not much you can do at the North Pole.

51. Of course, why have a Christmas sweater when you can’t include a Santa frog on it?

Seriously, what do frogs have to do with Christmas? They don't live in the North Pole. Still, seems like this woman is proud of her creation.

Seriously, what do frogs have to do with Christmas? They don’t live in the North Pole. Still, seems like this woman is proud of her creation.

52. I call this one, “Angel Boobs.”

And I'm sure the "Ho, Ho, Ho," part of that sweater doesn't help matters if you know what I mean.

And I’m sure the “Ho, Ho, Ho,” part of that sweater doesn’t help matters if you know what I mean.

53. Rock in your Yuletide cheer in this Christmas sweater.

I know those are supposed to be bells, but they look so much like tighty whiteys to me.

I know those are supposed to be bells, but they look so much like tighty whiteys to me.

54. Seems like the Santa Police have been searching for the baby Jesus.

Wait a minute, didn't Santa Claus came after baby Jesus? Seriously, what's with the flashlight? I'm sure they didn't have those during the first century BCE.

Wait a minute, didn’t Santa Claus came after baby Jesus? Seriously, what’s with the flashlight? I’m sure they didn’t have those during the first century BCE.

55. I call this one, “Frosty the Snow Boobs.”

I don't know about you but this flashy Christmas sweater seems so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why?

I don’t know about you but this flashy Christmas sweater seems so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why?

56. You can’t possibly go overboard with tinsel and poinsettias.

Still, I think this guy kind of overdid it on the tinsel and the poinsettias. Still, I'm sure the woman won't have to worry about having a wardrobe malfunction.

Still, I think this guy kind of overdid it on the tinsel and the poinsettias. Still, I’m sure the woman won’t have to worry about having a wardrobe malfunction.

57. During the year, Santa Claus sits on his candy cane throne watching over to identify the good girls and boys.

Now I'm sure that this candy canes make a perfect background for Santa's chair. Still, this is quite hysterical.

Now I’m sure that this candy canes make a perfect background for Santa’s chair. Still, this is quite hysterical.

58. Who needs a Christmas tree when you can dress like one?

Okay, this guy seems to look less like a Christmas tree and more like a guy who likes to deck himself in tinsel and baubles.

Okay, this guy seems to look less like a Christmas tree and more like a guy who likes to deck himself in tinsel and baubles.

59. Because you can’t have too many candy cane lollipop lights for your Santa sweater.

On second thought, yes, I think there's just too many candy cane lollipop lights here. Also, the Santa might be quite hideous as well.

On second thought, yes, I think there’s just too many candy cane lollipop lights here. Also, the Santa might be quite hideous as well.

60. Of course, you’d always need to have tree on your Christmas sweater that shimmers.

Now I'm sure wearing this shiny Christmas will certainly make you really stand out. Also, may attract people with ADHD.

Now I’m sure wearing this shiny Christmas will certainly make you really stand out. Also, may attract people with ADHD.

For More: http://www.uglychristmassweater.com/

The Enchanting Winter Wonderland of Ice Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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There’s so much to be said about ice sculpture. Pieces can range from abstract to realistic as well as from functional to decorative. Yet, the temperature of a snow sculpture’s environment often indicates how long it will last since many are used for special and/or extravagant events, like weddings for instance. In places like Florida or Mexico, an ice sculpture has a very short shelf life even in an air conditioned room. In places like northern Alaska or Siberia, ice sculptures could last for months. Yet, like in snow sculpture festivals and winter carnivals, you’re likely to see a lot of ice sculptures as well. Yet, unlike the snow sculptures in my previous post, sculptures of ice could be smaller and made indoors. Still, many of them are relics of winter beauty and has a great popular following. Some of these sculptures will range from the highly creative, to pop culture stuff, and other motifs as well as come in most shapes and sizes and all over the world. So without further adieu, here is a treasury of ice sculpture which I hope you’d like to see.

1. Hey, I didn’t know there was an ice sculpture of Buckbeak!

Of course, whenever you encounter a Hippogriff, treat it with respect and courtesy or it will bit you. Remember what happened to Draco Malfoy in the 3rd Harry Potter book.

Of course, whenever you encounter a Hippogriff, treat it with respect and courtesy or it will bit you. Remember what happened to Draco Malfoy in the 3rd Harry Potter book. Of course, biting that brat almost got Buckbeak killed.

2. Of course, this ice sculpture could always make any occasion look presidential.

Of course, I think the White House may have claim on this one. Using this for your banquet might get you arrested by the Secret Service. Just saying.

Of course, I think the White House may have claim on this one. Using this for your banquet might get you arrested by the Secret Service. Just saying.

3. For all you bug lovers, how about an ice sculpture of a praying mantis?

Just so you know, remember that it's well known that after two praying manti mate, the female cuts her guy's head off and devours him. You might want to take that into account.

Just so you know, remember that it’s well known that after two praying manti mate, the female cuts her guy’s head off and devours him. You might want to take that into account.

4. Add a touch of Paris to your ice sculpture festival with this Effiel Tower sculpture.

Now according to this picture, I'm sure this wasn't carved from just a single block of ice. Also, must be quite huge.

Now according to this picture, I’m sure this wasn’t carved from just a single block of ice. Also, must be quite huge.

5. Relive the magic of King Kong with this movie tribute ice sculpture.

Sure he's a giant gorilla from Skull Island who abducted a blond girl he took to the Empire State Building. Yet, it would be the beauty that would kill this beast, not the airplanes.

Sure he’s a giant gorilla from Skull Island who abducted a blond girl he took to the Empire State Building. Yet, it would be the beauty that would kill this beast, not the airplanes.

6. For the American Patriot, here’s an ice sculpture of the American Bald Eagle.

Of course, this is the bald Eagle symbol you see on the Great Seal of the United States, which is the nation's national coat of arms.

Of course, this is the bald Eagle symbol you see on the Seal of the President of the United States, which is the nation’s national coat of arms. So looks like the White House has dibs on that one, too.

7. It’s a horse? It’s a mermaid? No, guys, it’s a hippocampus.

Now a hippocampus is a water mythological creature of a cross between a horse and a fish. Basically a horse mermaid. And a couple of them were used to pull Poseidon's chariot under the sea.

Now a hippocampus is a water mythological creature of a cross between a horse and a fish. Basically a horse mermaid. And a couple of them were used to pull Poseidon’s chariot under the sea.

8. Nothing brings out the graceful beauty of the sea in ice sculpture of flying fish.

Yes, these are flying fish and they do exist. However, they don't actually "fly" but jump long distances from the water that enable it to glide. They usually do this to avoid predators.

Yes, these are flying fish and they do exist. However, they don’t actually “fly” but jump long distances from the water that enable it to glide. They usually do this to avoid predators.

9. Of course, in the Disney movies, Aladdin never had a friend like the Genie.

R. I. P. Robin Williams, you will be missed. Still, I'm not sure if this ice sculpture portrays the Genie in a good light. Kind of creepy looking if you ask me.

R. I. P. Robin Williams, you will be missed. Still, I’m not sure if this ice sculpture portrays the Genie in a good light. Kind of creepy looking if you ask me.

10. Now this is a cute ice sculpture than WALL-E and EVE.

Never has a love story between robots has been captured so memorably in this ice sculpture post as the one in the movie WALL-E.

Never has a love story between robots has been captured so memorably in this ice sculpture post as the one in the movie WALL-E.

11. Now that’s a mighty big lit up ice boat.

Now from the look of it, I wonder if the lights are meant to represent sails or ropes. I mean it's very hard to tell whether it's a Chinese junk or a Spanish Galleon. Perhaps an expert from the Age of Sail could help me.

Now from the look of it, I wonder if the lights are meant to represent sails or ropes. I mean it’s very hard to tell whether it’s a Chinese junk or a Spanish Galleon. Perhaps an expert from the Age of Sail could help me.

12. Nothing makes a better fire than an ice fire.

Of course put this ice fire under a real fire and it will be reduced to a puddle of water.

Of course put this ice fire under a real fire and it will be reduced to a puddle of water.

13. I now give you an ice sculpture of an Asian woman and her large fan.

I have to admit, this is one spectacular work of art. However, this is probably a Chinese sculpture since this picture might've been taken during the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival.

I have to admit, this is one spectacular work of art. However, this is probably a Chinese sculpture since this picture might’ve been taken during the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival.

14. Of course, this ice angel is totally chilling.

Of course, I hope this angel is careful when making a "V" sign. Doing it with fingers exposed really offends the Brits. Yet, I'm sure he or she didn't mean to offend.

Of course, I hope this angel is careful when making a “V” sign. Doing it with fingers exposed really offends the Brits. Yet, I’m sure he or she didn’t mean to offend.

15. Might want to feast your eyes on these Pittsburgh Penguins this hockey season.

Yes, these are penguins, and yes, they are in Pittsburgh. Got any problem with that. Still, adorable.

Yes, these are penguins, and yes, they are in Pittsburgh. Got any problem with that? Still, if I posted one of Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, or Chris Letang, it wouldn’t turn out so well.

16. May I present to you an ice sculpture of a phoenix or firebird.

Sure it may look like a firerbird, but to me it kind of resembles a frozen waterbird. Seriously, the thing would melt if you put it near fire.

Sure it may look like a firerbird, but to me it kind of resembles a frozen waterbird. Seriously, the thing would melt if you put it near fire.

17. The lone wolf stands as a leader of the pack.

Of course, the Alpha Male and Female are usually the only two wolves in the pack who mate. Not to mention, most of the wolves in the pack are usually siblings.

Of course, the Alpha Male and Female are usually the only two wolves in the pack who mate. Not to mention, most of the wolves in the pack are usually siblings.

18. Heard of an ice castle? Well, here’s an ice cathedral.

Of course, I'm sure this isn't a real ice church but I'm not sure what building this was modeled on. Still, it's a very colorful display as if it was made entirely of stained glass windows.

Of course, I’m sure this isn’t a real ice church but I’m not sure what building this was modeled on. Still, it’s a very colorful display as if it was made entirely of stained glass windows.

19. May I present to you, Disney’s Cinderella’s Castle on ice

Of course you would never be able to have an ice sculpture of Cinderella's Castle at the real Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Still, it's pretty spectacular.

Of course you would never be able to have an ice sculpture of Cinderella’s Castle at the real Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Still, it’s pretty spectacular.

20. Relive the glory of Ancient Egypt with this ice sculpture of the Great Sphnix.

Funny, I don't remember the ancient Egyptians ever using ice or knowing anything about refrigeration. So whether they could've carved ice sculptures just seems impossible.

Funny, I don’t remember the ancient Egyptians ever using ice or knowing anything about refrigeration. So whether they could’ve carved ice sculptures just seems impossible.

21. Of course, I couldn’t do a post on ice sculpture without including a swan.

Still, whenever you see an ice sculpture in popular media how often do you think it's going to be of a swan? Then again, do you think any couple getting married would want to go with an ice sculpture of two praying manti?

Still, whenever you see an ice sculpture in popular media how often do you think it’s going to be of a swan? Then again, do you think any couple getting married would want to go with an ice sculpture of two praying manti?

22. Now I can’t do a post of ice sculptures without including one of a snowflake.

Of course, this is basically a frozen water sculpture depicting a small piece of frozen precipitation. Not to get technical here if you know what I mean.

Of course, this is basically a frozen water sculpture depicting a small piece of frozen precipitation. Not to get technical here if you know what I mean.

23. How would you like a frozen Blackberry?

Of course, you'll have to worry about your thumbs getting stuck to it as you try to text your buddies.


Of course, you’ll have to worry about your thumbs getting stuck to it as you try to text your buddies. Also, doesn’t work like a real Blackberry.

24. Nothing brings the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival to life like a neon lighted ice gazebo and ledge.

No, this wasn't made from yellow snow. They actually light up these at night to bring color to them. Get your mind out of the gutter.

No, this wasn’t made from yellow snow. They actually light up these at night to bring color to them. Get your mind out of the gutter.

25. Seems like this bear and fox are sharing a thermos.

Fox: "Whats in that?" Bear: "I don't know but it's some sort of funny smelling brown water that tastes kind of strange. Wanna try?"

Fox: “Whats in that?”
Bear: “I don’t know but it’s some sort of funny smelling brown water that tastes kind of strange. Wanna try?”

26. Experience the 1925 Serum Run with this ice sculpture of Balto’s Charge.

Now for those who've seen the cartoon film Balto as a child: while doing my movie history research, I found that the real story of Balto is very different from the film. For one, he was only the last lead dog on the 1925 Serum Run which wasn't a race at all. Second, Balto was a purebred and trained husky who had been neutered at a young age (so this means he never had any pups). And third, well, he ended up dying in the Cleveland Zoo after spending a couple miserable years on the vaudeville circuit.

Now for those who’ve seen the cartoon film Balto as a child: while doing my movie history research, I found that the real story of Balto is very different from the film. For one, he was only the last lead dog on the 1925 Serum Run which wasn’t a race at all. Second, Balto was a purebred and trained husky who had been neutered at a young age (so this means he never had any pups). And third, well, he ended up dying in the Cleveland Zoo after spending a couple miserable years on the vaudeville circuit.

27. Let this beautiful ice eagle soar.

When pertaining to works of art, why is it that I tend to gravitate toward predators like birds of prey? Must be how majestically they look in the air.

When pertaining to works of art, why is it that I tend to gravitate toward predators like birds of prey? Must be how majestically they look in the air.

28. On this Christmas season, why don’t you take a seat on this icy one horse open sleigh?

Of course, this may be a better place for a Christmas photo op with your sweetheart or family than an actual ride. Seriously, ice horses don't go anywhere.

Of course, this may be a better place for a Christmas photo op with your sweetheart or family than an actual ride. Seriously, ice horses don’t go anywhere.

29. Grace your winter party with his lovely ice Christmas tree.

Now I'm not sure if red is a good color to illuminate this Christmas tree. Kind of looks tacky. But this little tree is so lovely.

Now I’m not sure if red is a good color to illuminate this Christmas tree. Kind of looks tacky. But this little tree is so lovely.

30. “Move along, Storm Trooper, because these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

Yes, as they have a Star Wars rendition for everything, so shall I post an ice sculpture display of C3PO and R2 D2.

Yes, as they have a Star Wars rendition for everything, so shall I post an ice sculpture display of C3PO and R2 D2.

31. Of course, for a day in the snow, you’d always need a place to relax like this comfy chair.

Then again, sitting on a chair of ice isn't really a comfortable way to relax. Also you might get stuck on it, especially if you try to lick it with your tongue.

Then again, sitting on a chair of ice isn’t really a comfortable way to relax. Also you might get stuck on it, especially if you try to lick it with your tongue.

32. No ice sculpture post is complete without one of the US Capitol Building or so I think.

Now if only I could get Congress to hold session in this building instead. Of course, this place may offer accommodations that are way too luxurious for the likes of them.

Now if only I could get Congress to hold session in this building instead. Of course, this place may offer accommodations that are way too luxurious for the likes of them.

33. “Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!”

"On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."

“On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.”

34. Of course, since there are snow and ice festivals in Asia, I can’t forget one of the Buddha.

It's said that Buddhist monks gather at a Buddha ice sculpture and watch it gradually melt as a reminder for their own mortality.

It’s said that Buddhist monks gather at a Buddha ice sculpture and watch it gradually melt as a reminder for their own mortality.

35. See this ice sculpture as a reminder of why there is a deer hunting season in Pennsylvania.

Of course, we need to remember that during the rut, these two bucks are just fighting over the girls. Meanwhile, the skinny buck in the distance just scored with the doe in question.

Of course, we need to remember that during the rut, these two bucks are just fighting over the girls. Meanwhile, the skinny buck in the distance just scored with the doe in question.

36. As this ice sculpture implies, tonight we’re having swordfish for dinner.

Of course, if you don't see an ice sculpture of a swan in movies, it's either of doves or this. Yet, this would've made guessing the password on Horse Feathers much easier.

Of course, if you don’t see an ice sculpture of a swan in movies, it’s either of doves or this. Yet, this would’ve made guessing the password on Horse Feathers much easier.

37. Now here is a great ice sculpture of a World War I flying ace.

My mistake, that's actually Snoopy as a WWI flying ace on his dog house. Of course, he'll never shoot down the Red Baron.

My mistake, that’s actually Snoopy as a WWI flying ace on his dog house. Of course, he’ll never shoot down the Red Baron.

38. Of course, the ice ship has anchored.

Of course, this is an ice sculpture of an anchor, perhaps for some party at some ice ship or something.

Of course, this is an ice sculpture of an anchor, perhaps for some party at some ice ship or something.

39. Of course, while there’s heavy metal, there’s a chilling ice electric guitar.

This is a nice guitar and amplifier but I doubt that you'd want to play with it. Of course, it will melt if you put it near fire.

This is a nice guitar and amplifier but I doubt that you’d want to play with it. Of course, it will melt if you put it near fire.

40. Relive the glory of Ancient Rome on ice with this Roman Coliseum ice sculpture.

Now if only they held gladiator matches in them with the fighters wearing ice skates. Then again, I don't think I'd want to see that but I know the Romans would totally want to see it.

Now if only they held gladiator matches in them with the fighters wearing ice skates. Then again, I don’t think I’d want to see that but I know the Romans would totally want to see it.

41. For you wild hogs out there, check out this ice Harley Davison motorcycle.

Of course, I don't know whether ice sculptures go well with motorcycle fans. Then again, they'd probably approve of this.

Of course, I don’t know whether ice sculptures go well with motorcycle fans. Then again, they’d probably approve of this.

42. Now this technicolor ice palace is sensational.

I don't know about you but I kind of see the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival as China's version Disney World on Ice in a very literal sense.

I don’t know about you but I kind of see the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival as China’s version Disney World on Ice in a very literal sense.

43. Now feast your eyes on this lovely icy peacock.

Of course, you've never seen a see through icy peacock like this. Still, rather spectacular.

Of course, you’ve never seen a see through icy peacock like this. Still, rather spectacular and lovely.

44. Go to your winter formal with this stylish ice coach.

Of course, this coach wasn't magically created from a pumpkin, but I'm not sure if you want to go to the ball in it either.

Of course, this coach wasn’t magically created from a pumpkin, but I’m not sure if you want to go to the ball in it either.

45. To commemorate the birth of our Savior, here’s a nice ice sculpture nativity scene.

Of course, this might be a great one to have outside a church during the Christmas season.

Of course, this might be a great one to have outside a church during the Christmas season. Still, very lovely and beautiful.

46. I’m sure this amusement park ice sculpture is bound to put a smile on anyone’s face.

Then again, this might be an ice sculpture of London during a carnival time. I mean some of them tend to resemble buildings you see there, especially the one that looks like a giant Faberge egg.

Then again, this might be an ice sculpture of London during a carnival time. I mean some of them tend to resemble buildings you see there, especially the one that looks like a giant Faberge egg.

47. From 19th century Paris, we have Auguste Rodin’s The Thinker statue.

Of course, if you want to get situated with Midnight in Paris, remember that Rose was the wife and Camille was his mistress. And he loved both.

Of course, if you want to get situated with Midnight in Paris, remember that Rose was the wife and Camille was his mistress. And he loved both.

48. I call this ice sculpture: A Tribute to New York City.

Now I think this ice sculpture was made for some sort of event or something. Still, all of it seems to be lit in pink for some reason.

Now I think this ice sculpture was made for some sort of event or something. Still, all of it seems to be lit in pink for some reason.

49. Experience the beauty of Italy with this Leaning Tower of Pisa ice sculpture.

Of course, if you remove the parasol and expose it to the sun, it will melt. Still, it's a very beautiful sculpture.

Of course, if you remove the parasol and expose it to the sun, it will melt. Still, it’s a very beautiful sculpture.

50. Hope this ice Statue of Liberty can light the way into your life.

Of course, they use the Statue of Liberty for almost every art medium since its such a icon and symbol of New York City.

Of course, they use the Statue of Liberty for almost every art medium since its such a icon and symbol of New York City.

51. I bring you the Ice Tiger.

There's something magical about this lovely ice sculpture tiger in the snow. Of course, tigers are very majestic and beautiful creatures nevertheless.

There’s something magical about this lovely ice sculpture tiger in the snow. Of course, tigers are very majestic and beautiful creatures nevertheless.

52. No post on ice sculptures would be complete without one of the RMS Titanic.

Of course, the fact the Titanic sank after hitting an iceberg adds further to the irony. Still, I have to admit it's a beautiful piece.

Of course, the fact the Titanic sank after hitting an iceberg adds further to the irony. Still, I have to admit it’s a beautiful piece.

53. Never has there been an ice sculpture in 65 million years as one of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I'm not sure if there was any ice in the Cretaceous period, but this sculpture is totally awesome.

I’m not sure if there was any ice in the Cretaceous period, but this sculpture is totally awesome.

54. This movie camera ice sculpture also holds beers.

Of course, I posted this sculpture because I'm a real movie buff and TCM fan. As for beer, I don't touch the stuff.

Of course, I posted this sculpture because I’m a real movie buff and TCM fan. As for beer, I don’t touch the stuff.

55. For your Stanley Cup winning NHL team, celebrate your victory with this ice sculpture.

Now if only the Pens could win another Stanley Cup Championship can we see such lovely ice sculpture at the Consol Energy Center.

Now if only the Pens could win another Stanley Cup Championship can we see such lovely ice sculpture at the Consol Energy Center.

56. Don’t look now but I think we may have an ice chess whiz on our hands.

Of course, I'm not sure whether I could tell which side is black and which side is white from this perspective. Still, this looks pretty awesome.

Of course, I’m not sure whether I could tell which side is black and which side is white from this perspective. Still, this looks pretty awesome.

57. Now here’s a great ice sculpture of a fish skeleton.

Sure this may be the kind of ice sculpture to traumatize your kids with. But, hey, doesn't it look cool?

Sure this may be the kind of ice sculpture to traumatize your kids with. But, hey, doesn’t it look cool?

58. Don’t look now, but I think we may have an ice city on our hands.

Of course, this is Harbin during its snow and ice festival. And, yes, the ice buildings are lit up like that for the night display. Spectacular isn't it?

Of course, this is Harbin during its snow and ice festival. And, yes, the ice buildings are lit up like that for the night display. Spectacular isn’t it?

59. Now I would love to see this angel blow his horn for me any day.

Of course, I don't mind that he's showing his abs or so it seems. Still, I love how it's lit up to be purple.

Of course, I don’t mind that he’s showing his abs or so it seems. Still, I love how it’s lit up to be purple.

60. Of course, whoever heard of an ice ship in a bottle?

I don't know about you, but do you ever wonder how they managed to pull this off? I do. Seriously, I don't know how the ship got into the bottle in the first place.

I don’t know about you, but do you ever wonder how they managed to pull this off? I do. Seriously, I don’t know how the ship got into the bottle in the first place.

For more: http://photobucket.com/images/ice%20sculpture?page=1

The Enchanting Winter Wonderland of Snow Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Of course, snowmen aren’t the only thing you can make from snow during the winter. If you love to play in the snow and are a talented artist there’s snow sculpture which is comparable to sand sculpture which I’ve done in the past and ice sculpture which I’ll do next. Sometimes it’s seen as performance art and sometimes it’s not. Yet, whatever you think about it, a lot of snow sculptures will produce works of white winter beauties for international contests you’d see in the US, Canada, China, Russia, France, Poland, and Japan, which are usually held in January and February. Tools often include saws, shovels, and hatchets and sometimes such works are carved from large blocks of snow about 6 to 15 feet and weighing about 20-30 tons. The snow could either be produced naturally or through 7 Springs technology but it’s densely packed for obvious reasons. In this post, you’ll see many lovely snow sculptures that will astound you beyond your wildest dreams. So without further adieu, here are some of the lovely snow sculptures from this enchanting winter wonderland.

1. Check out this artistic rendition of a white fox in its natural habitat.

Of course, this may not be a realistic representation but it's sure cute if you know what I mean.

Of course, this may not be a realistic representation but it’s sure cute if you know what I mean.

2. How would you like to spend a winter in this snow cabin?

I'd sure hate to be the guy at that place when the snow starts thawing or during a blizzard. Also, hope the snow doesn't cause a roof cave in.

I’d sure hate to be the guy at that place when the snow starts thawing or during a blizzard. Also, hope the snow doesn’t cause a roof cave in.

3. Nothing captures the exotic beauty of India than a snow sculpture of the Taj Mahal.

Of course, anyone who knows anything about India knows creating such a sculpture like this wouldn't be possible in that country. Well, save maybe the Himalaya Mountains, but you don't want to go there.

Of course, anyone who knows anything about India knows creating such a sculpture like this wouldn’t be possible in that country. Well, save maybe the Himalaya Mountains, but you don’t want to go there.

4. Funny, I always thought wolves usually howled at the moon at night.

Then again, this sculpture certainly looks like a wolf down to its very detail. I wonder how that's even possible.

Then again, this sculpture certainly looks like a wolf down to its very detail. I wonder how that’s even possible.

5. As Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

However, while this snow rose is quite beautiful and graceful in the winter landscape, it's also so freaking huge if you know what I mean.

However, while this snow rose is quite beautiful and graceful in the winter landscape, it’s also so freaking huge if you know what I mean.

6. Of course, you can’t have a snow and ice contest in China without a snow sculpture of Confucius.

I mean no Chinese philosopher has influenced China and its people more than this guy has. In fact, for a long time in China, you had to study his Analects and the commentaries just to pass a civil service test.

I mean no Chinese philosopher has influenced China and its people more than this guy has. In fact, for a long time in China, you had to study his Analects and the commentaries just to pass a civil service test.

7. Of course, I couldn’t do a post on snow sculpture without including Hans Christen Andersen’s Snow Queen.

Contrary to popular belief while Frozen was inspired by the Snow Queen, it's not necessarily based on it. Also, the Snow Queen's name isn't Elsa and she doesn't have a troubled relationship with her sister. Nor does she cause eternal winter to her kingdom while singing, "Let It Go."

Contrary to popular belief while Frozen was inspired by the Snow Queen, it’s not necessarily based on it. Also, the Snow Queen’s name isn’t Elsa and she doesn’t have a troubled relationship with her sister. Nor does she cause eternal winter to her kingdom while singing, “Let It Go.”

8. This bear seems to have an avid interest in film making.

Of course, I don't think he's as interested in cinema as you'd like to think he is. I think he suspects that this camera contains food and it will be completely ruined when its human owner comes back.

Of course, I don’t think he’s as interested in cinema as you’d like to think he is. I think he suspects that this camera contains food and it will be completely ruined when its human owner comes back.

9. Of course, being the Christmas season, I’ll have to include a snow sculpture of ol’ Saint Nick.

Just try sitting on that guy's lap and telling him what you'd want for Christmas. Then again, it's probably better if you sit on this Santa's hand.

Just try sitting on that guy’s lap and telling him what you’d want for Christmas. Then again, it’s probably better if you sit on this Santa’s hand.

10. “He’s got the whole world in His hand?”

Well, it may seem like a cartoonified globe but still, I wonder how its artist manage to hollow the sculpture out as much as they did. Also, how didn't this sculpture collapse? Guess snow is that compacted.

Well, it may seem like a cartoonified globe but still, I wonder how its artist manage to hollow the sculpture out as much as they did. Also, how didn’t this sculpture collapse? Guess snow is that compacted.

11. You’ve heard of a sand castle? Well, here’s a snow castle.

Now this castle snow sculpture just about puts Queen Elsa to shame. That is, if this castle were actually life sized and built as an actual castle. Still, very spectacular.

Now this castle snow sculpture just about puts Queen Elsa to shame. That is, if this castle were actually life sized and built as an actual castle. Still, very spectacular.

12. While we’re on the subject of snow castles, here’s a snow replica of Germany’s fairy tale Neuschwanstein Castle.

Of course, this castle's construction wouldn't be possible without the delusional madness of King Ludwig of Bavaria. Sure this project bankrupted Bavaria yet it's now a popular tourist destination in Germany today.

Of course, this castle’s construction wouldn’t be possible without the delusional madness of King Ludwig of Bavaria. Sure this project bankrupted Bavaria yet it’s now a popular tourist destination in Germany today.

13. Seems like this shark has a dental appointment with the Flash or some other superhero. It’s hard to tell at this angle.

Still, I'll take a moment here to remind kids to never ever stick their hand in a shark's mouth. Seriously, don't ever try this at home if you have any common sense.

Still, I’ll take a moment here to remind kids to never ever stick their hand in a shark’s mouth. Seriously, don’t ever try this at home if you have any common sense.

14. If it’s winter, why go on a vacation to Easter Island if you can have Moai in your front yard?

Of course, we know how these Moai came to this neighborhood. And I'm sure people on Easter Island can't make their own Moai from snow because they don't get any.

Of course, we know how these Moai came to this neighborhood. And I’m sure people on Easter Island can’t make their own Moai from snow because they don’t get any.

15. Of course, I couldn’t forget a snow sculpture of the minions from Despicable Me.

Of course, minons make rather easy snow sculptures and they're in color, too. Still, these are minions nobody could ever resist.

Of course, minons make rather easy snow sculptures and they’re in color, too. Still, these are minions nobody could ever resist. Who ever thought we’d think of these cute little guys when we mention “minions”?

16. Whether it be in rain, snow, sleet, or hail, you’ll always see Snoopy sleeping on his doghouse.

Of course, I always wonder why Snoopy prefers to sleep on his doghouse while he can certainly sleep inside. Then again, he may use his doghouse for office space, but still.

Of course, I always wonder why Snoopy prefers to sleep on his doghouse while he can certainly sleep inside. Then again, he may use his doghouse for office space, but still.

17. Nothing can please a Thai more royally than a snow replica of Bangkok’s Chakri Maha Prasat in the Grand Palace Complex.

Of course, while Bangkok is a city known for many things, it sure does know how to make a lot of money. Still, while this sculpture is impressive, please don't have it's viewing set to the Oscar & Hammerstein musical The King and I, because it didn't get a good reception in Thailand. In fact, the Thais had it banned.

Of course, while Bangkok is a city known for many things, it sure does know how to make a lot of money. Still, while this sculpture is impressive, please don’t have it’s viewing set to the Oscar & Hammerstein musical The King and I, because it didn’t get a good reception in Thailand. In fact, the Thais had it banned.

18. Who can forget this snow sculpture of the Grimm Brother’s famous fairy tale, “The Frog Prince?”

Of course, the Grimm's "The Frog Prince" has one of the most unfortunate morals in fairy tales which goes like, "Ladies, if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex." Let's just say that the Disney version was much better.

Of course, the Grimm’s “The Frog Prince” has one of the most unfortunate morals in fairy tales which goes like, “Ladies, if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex.” Let’s just say that the Disney version was much better.

19. Winter is the season when you see birds visit the birdhouse for the birdseed, especially the cardinal.

Neither does it stop the woodland rodents from trying to get to the birdseed either. Then again, there are some squirrel species that also eat birds.

Yet, this doesn’t stop the woodland rodents from trying to get to the birdseed either. Then again, there are some squirrel species that also eat birds.

20. Never underestimate the appeal China has for their dragons.

I'm sure this sculpture is a rendition of a Chinese folktale and not a Chinese retelling of J. R. R. Tolkein's The Hobbit. After all, Asian dragons are seen as wise and powerful sages that help the heroes, which is very different from the Western tradition.

I’m sure this sculpture is a rendition of a Chinese folktale and not a Chinese retelling of J. R. R. Tolkein’s The Hobbit. After all, Asian dragons are seen as wise and powerful sages that help the heroes, which is very different from the Western tradition.

21. How about a snow sculpture of the Brussels Stock Exchange?

This building doesn't really have a distinct name but the BSE was founded by Napoleon Bonaparte in 1801. Still, the Belgians call this place the Bouers.

This building doesn’t really have a distinct name but the BSE was founded by Napoleon Bonaparte in 1801. Still, the Belgians call this place the Bouers.

22. Now here’s a snow sculpture of an eagle in its natural habitat.

I'm not sure if that's a bald eagle (though it probably is) or whether the fish is a salmon. Still, looks very cool though and that eagle sure looks menacing.

I’m not sure if that’s a bald eagle (though it probably is) or whether the fish is a salmon. Still, looks very cool though and that eagle sure looks menacing.

23. Relive the grandeur of the Chinese Empire with a snow sculpture of Beijing’s Forbidden Palace.

I'm sure I posted a similar picture in my movie history post about China. I swear it was from The Last Emperor, which was about the life of Emperor Puyi.

I’m sure I posted a similar picture in my movie history post about China. I swear it was from The Last Emperor, which was about the life of Emperor Puyi.

24. What would winter be without a snow sculpture of polar bears and penguins?

Now that's a cute sculpture but very much misplaced wildlife. I mean polar bears and penguins are only seen together in zoos and not in the same enclosure. Because that would be bad for the penguin.

Now that’s a cute sculpture but very much misplaced wildlife. I mean polar bears and penguins are only seen together in zoos and not in the same enclosure. Because that would be bad for the penguin.

25. Witness the glory of Ancient Athens with the famous Parthenon, which was the temple of Athena.

Of course, the real Parthenon isn't anywhere near as stunning as this one is. Mostly because the real one has fallen to centuries of decline and ruin.

Of course, the real Parthenon isn’t anywhere near as stunning as this one is. Mostly because the real one has fallen to centuries of decline and ruin.

26. Now this is an interesting geometric design here. Looks like some sort of flower.

What astounds me most about this snow sculpture is how this artist got it to stand like that. Not only that but its design seems very delicate and graceful.

What astounds me most about this snow sculpture is how this artist got it to stand like that. Not only that but its design seems very delicate and graceful.

27. All aboard on the Polar Express.

Don't worry this isn't the train from the scary Christmas movie with Tom Hanks. Still, reminds me of an older model of a Coors Light Train.

Don’t worry this isn’t the train from the scary Christmas movie with Tom Hanks. Still, reminds me of an older model of a Coors Light Train.

28. Aww, cute a dad with his little kid in their snow suit.

Now you got to love this statue. However, at least this little kid won't end up like Ralphie's brother in A Christmas Story who couldn't move his arms in his.

Now you got to love this statue. However, at least this little kid won’t end up like Ralphie’s brother in A Christmas Story who couldn’t move his arms in his.

29. Only a snow sculpture like this could bring us into a prehistoric world of dinosaurs.

While making a snow sculpture of dinosaurs is okay, just make sure that they don't come to life. You don't want to live through a Jurassic Park situation.

While making a snow sculpture of dinosaurs is okay, just make sure that they don’t come to life. You don’t want to live through a Jurassic Park situation.

30. Now here’s a nice little snow sculpture of a squirrel gathering nuts.

Of course, I really don't understand why these acorns have faces. Not only that, but I'm puzzled on why the one the squirrel is holding smiling.

Of course, I really don’t understand why these acorns have faces. Not only that, but I’m puzzled on why the one the squirrel is holding smiling.

31. You never thought such flying horses could be so graceful in the snow.

Of course, these horses are just incredibly huge and you wouldn't want to ride on them. Still, these are quite cool if you know what I mean.

Of course, these horses are just incredibly huge and you wouldn’t want to ride on them. Still, these are quite cool if you know what I mean.

32. Don’t look at this snow sculpture in the eye or else she’d turn you into stone.

You should know that this is a depiction of Medusa, you know one of the Gorgons. Still, she does have a haunting look, doesn't she? Yet, she ain't ugly if you know what I mean.

You should know that this is a depiction of Medusa, you know one of the Gorgons. Still, she does have a haunting look, doesn’t she? Yet, she ain’t ugly if you know what I mean.

33. Nothing represents American pride more at a snow sculpture contest than one of Lady Liberty herself.

Yes, this is Lady Liberty as a snow sculpture and notice that she seems to look lovely today, especially with her blue eyes.

Yes, this is Lady Liberty as a snow sculpture and notice that she seems to look lovely today, especially with her blue eyes.

34. If you want to glorify Spanish modernist architecture, perhaps the Barcelona’s Church of the Sagrada Familia would do quite nicely.

Now I'm sure the Spanish wouldn't be able to do a snow sculpture like this in their country. Still, a very spectacular piece if you know what I mean.

Now I’m sure the Spanish wouldn’t be able to do a snow sculpture like this in their country. Still, a very spectacular piece if you know what I mean.

35. Now this polar bear is so adorable for your front lawn.

Now I know that polar bears no not creatures you'd want to cuddle with but this little cub is so huggable I want to take it home and name it Nappy.

Now I know that polar bears no not creatures you’d want to cuddle with but this little cub is so huggable I want to take it home and name it Nappy.

36. In this snow sculpture, if there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call?

Now this is a perfect tribute for Ghostbusters, especially with the depiction of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Wonder if Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd have seen this.

Now this is a perfect tribute for Ghostbusters, especially with the depiction of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Wonder if Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd have seen this.

37. Nothing brings glory to Mother Russia like a snow sculpture of Moscow’s Saint Basil’s Cathedral.

Ironically, while there's a lot of snow in Russia, this cathedral replica is at a snow sculpture contest in China. Yet, it's said that Ivan the Terrible thought Saint Basil's was so beautiful that he had the architect's eyes gouged out so he wouldn't build another one like it.

Ironically, while there’s a lot of snow in Russia, this cathedral replica is at a snow sculpture contest in China. Yet, it’s said that Ivan the Terrible thought Saint Basil’s was so beautiful that he had the architect’s eyes gouged out so he wouldn’t build another one like it.

38. Of course, you can’t have a post on snow sculpture without including a frosty rendition of Leonardo Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa.

Now could anyone say that this is a masterpiece? All I know is that Leonardo probably couldn't make a Mona Lisa out of snow back in Florence.

Now could anyone say that this is a masterpiece? All I know is that Leonardo probably couldn’t make a Mona Lisa out of snow back in Florence.

39. Now that is one wild hog there.

Hey, you never saw a pig on a motorcycle before? Of course, I'm sure there are some porkers who were born for the open road.

Hey, you never saw a pig on a motorcycle before? Of course, I’m sure there are some porkers who were born for the open road.

40. Didn’t know a Totem pole can come to life did you?

Of course, I wonder how these two faces ever get along with one another. I mean the totem creatures need to know how to live together in harmony some way.

Of course, I wonder how these two faces ever get along with one another. I mean the totem creatures need to know how to live together in harmony some way.

41. Admire the splendor of this medieval Japanese castle.

Yes, Japan has medieval castles, which were built by the daimyo warlords during their period of upheaval. They may not look like the ones you see in Europe but they're castles nonetheless.

Yes, Japan has medieval castles, which were built by the daimyo warlords during their period of upheaval. They may not look like the ones you see in Europe but they’re castles nonetheless.

42. Of course, you can’t have a snow sculpture contest without one of a giant rubber duck.

While we didn't have the snow sculpture edition in Pittsburgh, we had the rubber duck for the summer. It attracted a million visitors to the city.

While we didn’t have the snow sculpture edition in Pittsburgh, we had the rubber duck for the summer. It attracted a million visitors to the city.

43. If you like sea creatures, feast your eyes on this nautilus snow sculpture.

Now what astounds me more about this is how it's able to stand up and retain its shape. Still, it's pretty cool if you know what I mean.

Now what astounds me more about this is how it’s able to stand up and retain its shape. Still, it’s pretty cool if you know what I mean.

44. For those familiar with Pixar animation, here’s a snow sculpture of Nemo.

Of course, if Finding Nemo had been honest about the biology of clown fishes, you may not want to watch it. Seriously, it's disturbing.

Of course, if Finding Nemo had been honest about the biology of clown fishes, you may not want to watch it. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

45. Now here’s a snow sculpture of Inuits rescuing their distressed friends on an ice flow.

Now I would've called these people "Eskimos" but many of the Indians in the Arctic region think it's derogatory for some reason. Still, it's a very amazing sculpture in Quebec.

Now I would’ve called these people “Eskimos” but many of the Indians in the Arctic region think it’s derogatory for some reason. Still, it’s a very amazing sculpture in Quebec.

46. Of course, it’s easier to make a card house from snow than actual playing cards.

Now I'm sure you couldn't do that in your hometown if you live in Florida. Still, this is pretty amazing if you know what I mean.

Now I’m sure you couldn’t do that in your hometown if you live in Florida. Still, this is pretty amazing if you know what I mean.

47. Of course, you can’t leave Japan from a snow sculpture festival without including Hello Kitty.

I don't know about you but I need to say that Hello Kitty isn't actually a cat the same way that Gromit isn't actually a dog. Still, Hello Kitty is certainly a Japanese icon in her own right though.

I don’t know about you but I need to say that Hello Kitty isn’t actually a cat the same way that Gromit isn’t actually a dog. Still, Hello Kitty is certainly a Japanese icon in her own right though.

48. “Hello, kids, sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas.”

Even in the enchanting world of snow sculpture could you have a Santa Claus that can also haunt your dreams.

Even in the enchanting world of snow sculpture could you have a Santa Claus that can also haunt your dreams.

49. Let’s just say that some snow sculptures have the power of turning you to the Dark Side of the Force.

Still, you have to like how they used a lightsaber for Darth Vader to hold while he's standing next to the ornery R2 D2. Seems they have Star Wars depictions for everything.

Still, you have to like how they used a lightsaber for Darth Vader to hold while he’s standing next to the ornery R2 D2. Seems they have Star Wars depictions for everything.

50. Admire the grandeur of Chinese architecture with this snow sculpture of Beijing’s Temple of Heaven.

Now this Temple of Heaven is from an ice sculpture festival in Sappharo, Japan which is on the island of Hokkaido. Well, it's not an exact replica but it will do. Still, the Chinese idea of "Heaven" is also very different from the one in the Christian tradition.

Now this Temple of Heaven is from an ice sculpture festival in Sappharo, Japan which is on the island of Hokkaido. Well, it’s not an exact replica but it will do since the one in China has much more crap on it. Still, the Chinese idea of “Heaven” is also very different from the one in the Christian tradition.

51. Of course, you can’t have a snow festival in Asia without including a snow sculpture of the Buddha.

Of course, this is also at the Sappharo Snow Festival in Japan. Not to mention, that tall building is perhaps the once reigning tallest building in the world Taipei 101 from Taiwan. This was probably done for China or the country China considers part of its territory.

Of course, this is also at the Sappharo Snow Festival in Japan. Not to mention, that tall building is perhaps the once reigning tallest building in the world Taipei 101 from Taiwan. This was probably done for China or the country China considers part of its territory.

52. You’ve heard of the Sphnix, right? Well, here’s a snowy rendition of this you won’t find in Egypt.

Of course, unlike the one in Egypt, this one has yet to lose its nose to erosion. Still, unlike the ones in Greek mythology, Egyptian Sphinxes are undeniably male.

Of course, unlike the one in Egypt, this one has yet to lose its nose to erosion. Still, unlike the ones in Greek mythology, Egyptian Sphinxes are undeniably male.

53. Only in the world of snow can you see a giant white ballerina.

Now I think this might be taken from the Tchaikovsky ballet of Swan Lake since she's dressed with wings in a tutu. Yet, despite its popularity in Russia, ballet is actually more of a French dance. I mean it has French dance terms.

Now I think this might be taken from the Tchaikovsky ballet of Swan Lake since she’s dressed with wings in a tutu. Yet, despite its popularity in Russia, ballet is actually more of a French dance. I mean it has French dance terms.

54. Looks like we have a snow Trojan horse if there ever was one.

Note, if your enemy gives you a giant horse like this as an attempt to bury the hatchet, you might want to refuse. I mean, it's always said to beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

Note, if your enemy gives you a giant horse like this as an attempt to bury the hatchet, you might want to refuse. I mean, it’s always said to beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

55. Allow me to introduce you to a dog that sings the blues.

Of course, when you tell it to play dead, it tends to sing, "Riding that train, High on cocaine,....." You get the idea.

Of course, when you tell it to play dead, it tends to sing, “Riding that train, High on cocaine,…..” You get the idea.

56. Now nothing represents Great Britain in a snow sculpture festival than a rendition of London’s Saint Paul’s Cathedral.

Now this 17th century building was designed by Christopher Wren after the Great Fire of London. It has such an important stature in Britain that all London buildings must not obscure people from seeing it.

Now this 17th century building was designed by Christopher Wren after the Great Fire of London. It has such an important stature in Britain that all London buildings must not obscure people from seeing it.

57. Nothing glorifies the splendor of Malaysia than a snow sculpture rendition of Kuala Lumpur’s Sultan Abdul Samad building.

It was at this building where Malaysia's first flag waved after it gained its independence from Great Britain. Still, you couldn't build a snow sculpture like this in Malaysia because it's quite balmy there.

It was at this building where Malaysia’s first flag waved after it gained its independence from Great Britain. Still, you couldn’t build a snow sculpture like this in Malaysia because it’s quite balmy there.

58. Relive the glory of the Mughal Empire with India’s Tomb of Itmad-ud-Daula.

Of course, while we all know the story of the Taj Mahal, this is also in Agra as well. Yet, this was commissioned by Emperor Shah Jahan's stepmother and aunt to his wife named Nur Jahan who commissioned this tomb for her father. Let's say it's rather complicated if you know what I mean.

Of course, while we all know the story of the Taj Mahal, this is also in Agra as well. Yet, this was commissioned by Emperor Shah Jahan’s stepmother and aunt to his wife named Nur Jahan who commissioned this tomb for her father. Let’s say it’s rather complicated if you know what I mean.

59. Of course, you can’t get more patriotic about the United States with a snow sculpture of the Statue of Liberty and Mount Rushmore.

Of course, I did a post on sand sculptures including both these monuments. So including them with the snow sculptures is basically a no brainer.

Of course, I did a post on sand sculptures including both these monuments. So including them with the snow sculptures is basically a no brainer.

60. Of course, this snow spiral is just out of this world, if you think about it.

I may not understand snow art or how this one manages to stand and retain shape. Yet, I think it's pretty spectacular and awesome.

I may not understand snow art or how this one manages to stand and retain shape. Yet, I think it’s pretty spectacular and awesome.

For more: https://www.pinterest.com/yorkiem/snow-sculptures/