Now I know it’s been since October that I’ve done a post on vintage postcards but I’ve run out of ideas at the moment and have a lot of these saved up on my laptop so it’s. Besides, it’s too early for Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, Presidents’ Day, or other holidays. Of course, there’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day but he’s not the kind of guy I’d want make fun of. Then there’s my birthday on the 13th, but there’s just so many birthday cakes out there. So for now, postcards will have to do for the moment. Nevertheless, I know my viewers can’t get enough of these things so here I go. Of course, I know some people travel over the holidays and sometimes during the winter months to get the hell out of the snow. However, most of us really can’t spend the winter months in the Bahamas mainly because, well, we simply can’t afford to and have other obligations such as school, work, and family. Also, January weather is really terrible, especially since temperatures have started dropping belong zero. Yikes! Anyway, if you’re stranded at your home due to the snowy weather outside or your school’s closed, here is a batch of tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure. And I hope with them, you can get through your day.
1. In the Middle Ages, German village festivals had dunking tanks like this.
Oh, wait a minute that’s another medieval torture device it seems. And it doesn’t seem that they’re weighing the caged guy against the duck either. Would’ve solved everything.
2. Every woman should be the queen of her kitchen with this turquoise refrigerator.
Now I’m fine with turquoise but this fridge seems more appropriate for the kitchen of some tacky trailer park, dive bar, or disco than in most households. Yet, I’m sure this woman isn’t the Snow Queen from Frozen.
3. Greetings from Snooki’s grandmother from the Jersey Shore.
I don’t know about you but it seems that not much has changed on the Jersey Shore over 50 years before the notorious MTV reality series. Thank God, that show’s over. Also, that hat is hideous.
4. In the Old West, we always cut the cheese after a dinner of pork and beans at the camp fire.
Of course, when it comes to western way of breaking wind, some guys led out a rip-roaring gust while others emit an odor that’s silent but deadly.
5. I don’t think Sally intends to eat that mango.
Rather I think she wants to use that mango to drop on her little brother’s skull since he stole her Fruit Roll Ups. Little Stevie needs to pay.
6. Every time German children see a rocket ship in the night sky, it’s tradition they drop their pants and pee on the window side flower pot.
I hope these boys enjoyed giving Mom’s petunias a golden shower since she’s probably going to wonder why they smell like a urinal in the third grade bathroom. Yes, Mom’s petunias will never smell the same way again, but they’ll get a steady supply of nitrates though. Maybe she doesn’t mind the tradeoff.
7. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the Equine High Diving Championships, Mustang Sugarcubes takes the plunge.
Oh, my God, I think I just made PETA want to burn my house down for posting this. Perhaps the Humane Society may want to join in. Still, what sadist could think of horses jumping off the high dive? This is just fucking insane! Also, illegal in most states. By the way, this postcard is from Atlantic City, New Jersey where Boardwalk Empire takes place. Man, seems like Nucky’s booze is really getting to them. As cruel to animals as this may be, I just can’t help laughing at it for some reason.
8. Alf’s lunch box.
Now I know the people behind the picture thought this made a good photo op. Yet, the cuteness kind of fades away when you find out that there are people in certain countries around the world that eat them. Kind of makes this postcard disturbing.
9. Welcome to Hawaii, we have large, uh, pineapples.
Talk about low hanging fruit hanging not far from the tree. Still, this is just bound to give Freud a field day. I mean why did this woman put the pineapples so close to her boobs? Really?
10. Seems like Springer here just barked a cake. Seems so proud. Hope there’s no fur all over the icing.
So how does a dog bark a cake? Makes no sense whatsoever. Guess those behind the design were aiming for cuteness. Also, what’s in the cake? Hope it’s not disgusting.
11. For a lovelier you, get these stylish Oompa-Loompa inspired coiffures from Willy Wonka’s Beauty Salon.
Then again, perhaps we all should be happy that Willy Wonka became a confectioner instead of a hairdresser. Hate to see what kind of machinery he’d have at his hair salon. Probably would look like some torture chamber from a kid’s show.
12. Yes, fellas, prune juice was one of the great “drugs” of the 1960s, which they attribute to freeing your mind as much as your bowels.
Ironically, I wouldn’t be surprised that prune juice is now consumed by more 1960s flower children more than ever. Yeah, prune juice will set your colon free from constipation.
13. I now give you the Venusflytraposaurus.
Actually that’s an Elasmosaurus a large Plesiosaur from the Cretaceous period. Of course, unfortunately for this guy, orthodontists didn’t exist at the time.
14. I don’t know about you but why the hell does Snowflake have her helmet on backwards?
Of course we all know that Snowflake would be kidnapped by psychopath ex-football player and tranny Ray Finkle (disguised as Lois Einhorn). He also kidnapped Dan Marino as well as killed a man in his apartment. And in the 1990s, this was a family film or so I think. At least it was in my house.
15. Maybe we should send this to Kim and Kanye when they’re thinking about a trip to Florida. I mean these crocs like big butts and they cannot lie./These alligators can’t deny./When a girl walks in with a big gigantic waist/And a round thing in their face/They get starved.
Yes, that croc on the beach is in the mood for some bootylicious rump roast tonight. Also, what’s with the monkey fishing from the pelican’s beak for God’s sake? That’s insane!
16. C’mon, to Elsie’s they said. It’ll be fun, they said.
I think there’s something wrong with this girl here. Sure she might want her sister to drop in again, but she probably wants to drown her in the fountain and hide her body in the large vase.
17. Now this New England eatery has lobsters in any style.
Wait a minute, that’s in Oklahoma? Seriously, lobsters are an oceanside crustacean caught in fishing boats from Maine. Oklahoma is an inland state known for cattle, dust storms, and tornadoes. They do not go together.
18. Yes, this guy is certainly blowing his own trumpet seen here.
Of course, “blowing” also has another meaning explaining why this postcard is so funny. Of course, it’s probably impossible to do and I can’t mention it in front of the kids.
19. Now this is place seems to give “dive bar” a whole new meaning.
Now a bar overlooking a giant fish tank is one thing, but this is kind of ridiculous. Might also make the patrons wonder whether they’re seeing things or just need another drink. I’d hate to be the designated driver in that bunch.
20. Now this would make a fine new addition to the hunting lodge or man cave.
Too bad the holidays are over for this lamp would’ve made a great Christmas present for my next door neighbors. Then again, that lamp might freak out their granddaughter.
21. Nothing makes an electronic back massager than some device that bears a striking resemblance to IKEA furniture.
From the back: “Figurette—the home slenderizing unit that has become noted as a “lasting beauty” aid for women…but is every bit as much renowned for the tension-relieving relaxation it helps induce in he-men. Another leading product of A.R.A. Manufacturing Co., Grand Prairie, Texas.”
“It is very important that the he-man not become too relaxed. Therefore, he should use the Figurette with work clothes on, including shoes and tie.” I wonder what would happen if he got too relaxed. Oh, I see.
22. Nothing excites a two-year-old more than a giant stuff dog about as tall as your ceiling.
Of course, seems that the company responsible for this photo didn’t seem to care about the boxes next to the humongous dog that might give parents nightmares. Please don’t show this to small children or they’d want one, too.
23. Of course, when it comes to toilet training, some dogs grow accustomed to it better than others.
I bet that any dog owner would rather teach their dog to go on the toilet than have it drink from there. I wonder if this potty animal knows how to flush.
24. This lady seems so happy with her large wall shelf of tupperware.
I don’t know about you but wait until she finds out that you can’t put tupperware in the dishwasher. Boy, I’d hate to wash dishes at that place.
25, Now I know this is supposed to be a stove. Yet, I don’t know why I still wonder why it could possibly be a stove-dishwasher unit.
Must be that the oven doors have no windows in them and that there are two of them. Still, that color may be nice but the stove is hideous.
26. Oh, no, they just buried a dead guy in the topsoil planters! What kind of sick place is this?
Okay, that’s just a guy getting mud bath at a spa. Still, you’d wonder if this was just some crazed garden store of death seeing him like that.
27. Nothing graces a little girl’s bedroom than a pink, frilly lamp.
Ugh! This lamp is so frilly and pink that it makes me sick. And I don’t mind the color either. Still, I don’t think a little girl would find it settling that the figurine doesn’t have any arms.
28. Now a dramatic reenactment of Cain killing his brother Abel.
My God, this is just a horrible execution that it seems like something you’d see on the Flintstones. Also, makes you wonder whether Cain killed Abel because God thought Abel’s sacrifice was greater or that Abel was making fun of Cain’s leopard skin loincloth.
29. This cow says, “Howdy, from Oklahoma! Where the wind blows sweeping from the plains…”
This cow doesn’t look like it’s saying, “Howdy!” Rather I think it’s trying to say, “They’re going to kill us all and put us on buns at the local burger joint! Get out while you still can!”
30. If this engine weighs lighter than the swimsuit model, then you should have no problem carrying it.
Then again, this model seems a bit chunky compared to the ones you’d see in a Victoria’s Secret commercial. Still, close enough. Nevertheless, it’s also available in lime green.
31. May I present to you the Rainbow Choir of the East Glenville Methodist Church.
Of course, given that the Gay Rights Movement adapted the rainbow flag as its symbol, I don’t think a church choir would call themselves, even if it’s the United Methodist Church.
32. And now two labrador retrievers on a ski lift. What can possibly go wrong with that?
Now that just can’t be safe for animals. Seriously, I wonder if either of these dogs would have the patience of staying on these seats. Besides, what if one of them jumps?
33. “Well, I’ll be happy to assist you with your mud bath Mr. Skelly.”
Now I’m sure this person is making the man look all natural as if he was part the dirt from which he came from. Still, this is pretty disturbing if you ask me. I mean these people look as if they’re buried alive for God’s sake.
34. Come to the Girl Crossing where the action is.
Of course, the women at the Florida beach you actually see probably aren’t as attractive as these ladies. Seriously, fellas, believing this postcard will set yourself up for disappointment.
35. And yet we have another version of RuPaul’s Drag Race does Lawrence Welk.
Of course, I’m sure these people are smartly dressed for some formal fancy dress ball. Yet, I don’t think they’re very convincing. Still, don’t want to see these in your mail.
36. “She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny rainbow macrame bikini…”
Of course, I’m not sure what to make out with her holding a small sombrero that doesn’t fit her head. Still, no girl wants get a postcard from their boyfriend that says, “Wish you were her.”
37. Man, this cat isn’t happy that his flight’s been cancelled. Somebody is going to get clawed.
Of course, the hat and picnic table cloth don’t help matters either. Still, this is probably the original Grumpy Cat. And boy, is he grumpy about his flight being cancelled. Now he’ll have to change travel plans which he hates oh, so much. Yes, polydactyl cat is not pleased.
38. Let’s stop at Pennsylvania’s Crystal Cave Ice Cream Formation.
I don’t know about you but that formation doesn’t at all resemble an ice cream cone to me. Yet, I think Ice Cream Cone Formation was more of a PG name than, well, something else that’s point and stick up. Even funnier is that they have replicas of this at the gift shop and that’s where the real fun begins.
39. Yay! High school cheerleaders gathering around to a car celebrating the anniversary of a time when a peace treaty was signed, or when Indians decided to surrender peacefully and let settlers take over their land.
Of course, what’s worse is that this high school is called Medicine Lodge and it’s located in Kansas. Must have a Native American mascot, too, and a real stereotypical one at that. Great (sarcasm). Still, love those comet pom poms.
40. Now here is a wax figure of Mark Twain on a rocking chair with his best known character Huckleberry Finn.
All Mark Twain ever wanted for his birthday was either a chair rocking or a rocking chair lap dance with Huckleberry Finn. Still, the two seem a bit too friendly with each other.
41. Need some added neck and chin support? Try one of these.
Sure that contraption may stabilize your neck but putting that chin rest on your shoulders just looks very uncomfortable from what I see with the other one.
42. Now here is one of the most important scientists of all time, Louis Pasteur who formulated pasteurization, vaccination, and founded microbiology.
Yes, Louis Pasteur did help change the world for the better as well as saved so many lives with his research. But that doesn’t stop him from testing his anthrax vaccine on his daughter’s pet bunny rabbit.
43. Awww. A black bear cub eating ice cream. Adorable.
I know bear cubs are cute but feeding the animals is a very bad idea. Seriously, feeding them will lead to animal infestation at camp sites as well as make them easy targets for hunters. So please remember that signs warning against feeding the animals exist for a reason.
44. Reginald was stripped of his horse, when it was discovered that he put lipstick on it during those lonely nights.
“Guys? Have you seen my horse? Guys, this isn’t funny. Seriously, somebody’s stolen my horse, Dobbin. How am I supposed to participate in this routine if I don’t have my fucking horse? My apologies for the profane language.”
45. “I always love to tend to my garden in my bathing suit.”
“It keeps me cool and in tip top shape. Also, I hate to change into something different when I need to hide a body right away. You simply don’t have time for that after you strangle a guy in the hot tub these days.”
46. This bathing beauty receives a grizzly hug at Hugh Hefner’s hunting lodge.
Okay, PETA is going to kill me for this. We all know the grizzly bear is a hunting trophy and the swimsuit woman is only there for the fanservice. Still, pretty funny if you ask me.
47. Come to Indiana and enjoy the wonderful, picturesque scenery.
Man, all I see are basically roadways on a flat landscape. Even a transportation worker is bound to fall asleep on these toll roads. At least Western Pennsylvania has hills, forests, and potholes for God’s sake. Yet, you wouldn’t want to drive on those roads either.
48. Have trouble keeping your chin up? We have a pulley appliance for that.
Wonder if I should get those for my mom so she wouldn’t fall asleep watching movies with us. Probably would fall asleep anyway. Still, I don’t think this guy is very comfortable with the chin straps on him.
49. This woman is utterly thrilled with her stylish brand new Cul-Matic water softener by Culligan.
Because before she had a water softener in her house, Connie had get her plumbing clean on a regular basis due to the metal cation buildup that makes hard water less compatible with soap and resulted in her pipes erroding. Hey, it was Joey’s idea to live near an industrial facility where he worked, not hers.
50. Watch a man wrestle with an alligator in Florida, they said. It will be fun, they said.
Man, for an activity that should have big, “Do Not Try This at Home” disclaimer, seems that some people find alligator wrestling quite boring, indeed. People like me just find it nuts. Then again, while the boys are bored to tears, seems like Mom just thinks the handler has a nice tight ass.
51. Sure this may be a Seminole Indian ritual or it could just be a production from Florida State University. Either way, it seems the guy on the top step is about to demonstrate his skill in the sacred art of gymnastics.
This drama is called “Florida Aflame” which is about the Seminole Indians. Still, I wonder what a real Seminole Indian would think of this production because I think he or she might take offense. Seriously, this seems to be something I’d more likely see in a Lady Gaga music video than on an Indian reservation. I mean why?
52. Nothing seems to be a weird sight than a Dominatrix at the beach. BDSM on the beach? How kinky.
“All right. Now where did I put my chair and my cat o’ nine tails? I know I put them here yesterday. Must’ve been swept with the tide tide. Dammit.”
53. Fasten your seatbelts, kid, because you’re taking a rocketship to Sunday School.
I know that mega churches do a lot of activities. But I’m stumped is to how many of them could include a rocket ship in their budgets. Seriously, why?
54. See Bobo the Clown and his little pal Rover.
I don’t know about you but upon seeing this picture, I kind of feel like calling the Humane Society regarding Rover’s welfare and whether Bobo is a good owner outside his creepy clown costume. Because the poor dog looks so terrified.
55. We’ll be looking for your for your next check up. And we will find you!
Poor Ralphie. Seemed to be a nice and happy kid before Dr. Garity gave him that terrible lobotomy. Now he just looks as if he’s just a mindless and possessed demon child with no soul.
56. A hunting trip of bagging two pheasants with your hunting dogs makes for a perfect day.
Putting a dog near a gun: yeah, seems like an accident waiting to happen. And I’ve seen Bowling for Columbine to know that canine photo ops with guns aren’t a good idea.
57. These woman are so proud to have their own singing Big Brown Billy Bass decor.
Sorry, but whenever I see a big fish mounted like that on a plaque, that’s all I think about. I could just hear that fish sing, “Take me to the river, Put me in the water….”
58. So remember car owners, always remember to check the oil in your gas guzzling automobile, regularly.
Of course, from what I can read from their facial expressions, I don’t think auto maintenance is the first thing on their minds right now. Also, “change the oil” has another meaning that doesn’t come across people’s mind if you know what I mean.
59. This woman sure has a whale of a tale when she comes back from vacation.
This is probably a false killer whale which is also used in aquariums and kept in captivity. However, unlike the Orca, there are no campaigns concerning the captivity of these creatures since they’re not studied as much and have a population that’s much more endangered. This may especially true in Hawaii where they’re most frequently seen. Still, hope that woman doesn’t come from a sorority and is sober.
60. Of course, sometimes we can’t prevent receiving a phone call in the middle of the night.
“Yes, Gladys, I’ve electrocuted Harold in the bath tub by throwing my hair dryer. So how do we dispose of his body without the neighbors suspecting?”
61. Of course, we all know that Floria alligators would rather bite than switch. Gator said so himself.
Switch to what? Is this a postcard depicting animal predation or kinky bestiality? Seriously, who thought this kind of postcard was a good idea?
62. Come to the Madonna Inn and stay at one of our three “Merry Go Round” rooms.
Basically the idea of this room’s design came from the person who really liked the color green and so painted all the walls that way. The decorative ideas came from his 6 year old daughter. God, that’s tacky.
63. See these lovely can-can girls at Steve’s Gay ’90s Restaurant in Tacoma, Washington.
Of course, they mean the 1890s here, but including the word, “gay” is pretty funny. The back says: “While you dine, you’ll enjoy entertainment amid the stage settings of old vaudeville. The ad curtain, drapes and chandeliers are from opera houses of the Old West. Fireplaces, furniture and decorations once graced Tacoma’s showplace homes of the 80’s.” Well, 1880s. Still, what the hell are can-can dancers doing here? They’re supposed to be French!
64. Synchronized water skiing: when a bunch of swimsuit clad girls hold one hand on the rope from the boat while putting the other on the shoulder of the girl next to them.
This is a poster of the Aquamaids (perhaps Aquaman’s lady entourage) from Florida’s Cypress Gardens. And yes, they’re on this postcard for the fanservice. Still, the gardens are pretty enough so putting these women water skiing kind of unnecessary.
65. Now these guys are known as the White Fathers of Africa, a well known Roman Catholic missionary order.
Okay, now I know that there are a lot of Roman Catholic priest and monastic orders that wear white robes and that the White Fathers order started in France. However, if it weren’t for the rosaries around their necks, the cassocks, and showing their faces, I would’ve taken them as some kind of white supremacist organization. Also, these monks look kind of creepy.
66. I now give you a black velvet painting of Jesus coming through the clouds.
Okay, this is part of a display in a religious tourist trap called Bibleland. So it’s not a velvet painting. Still, did this artist get the idea of how this work seems more appropriate at some sleazy nightclub? Seriously, why did that person think a black background was a good idea?
67. From the back: “The Barrel cactus (center) sometimes grows 6 feet tall over a 20-30 year period and contains a slimy juice often reputed to have saved lives in an emergency but hardly fit to drink otherwise.” Yes, what a picturesque view of the Mojave desert this is.
Is it just me or is there something phallic about that barrel cactus? Seems like the Lord works in mysterious ways. And sometimes He creates floral scenery ideal for postcards too inappropriate to mail to your grandparents. Nice to see God has a sense of humor, maybe of a 13 year old boy.
68. If it’s no inconvenience, Sparky would now like to take your picture.
Of course, Sparky has no trouble with focus and concentration. That is, unless he spots a squirrel or piece of meat. Then it’s just downhill from there.
69. Uh, I got a geriatric patient sexually harassing a nurse in the trauma ward. Don’t ask me why he’s able to run.
As if the old guy chasing the nurse was bad for a postcard. What totally baffles me about this is how this guy has casts on all his limbs yet he’s still perfectly able to chase that big boobed nurse in the first place.
70. Lake Placid: The vacation spot in New York where you can get into a summer snowball fight.
Of course the sign says: “It’s no mirage-It’s real snow.” Sure it’s real snow, like the snow they have at Seven Springs during the winter when there isn’t any elsewhere. Seriously, there must be a snow making machine somewhere.