Easter Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 6, 2015

Easter is among a handful of holidays that features cakes and other pastries. My family usually has a bunny cake to celebrate Easter with since there a lot of kids and easy to make. Yet, you also have other motifs such as eggs, chicks, baskets, and flowers. Some may take a more religious motif such as crosses and an empty tomb. Yes, Easter is the time for such cute and colorful confections associated with spring and the resurrection. Now I can go on and on about the lovely professionally made cakes out there. But I know that none of you would be interested since those cakes won’t be worth making fun of. Instead, I’ll compile a post pertaining to some of the great caketastrophes mostly because many of them are unintentionally funny as well as fun to laugh at. Now these cakes are professionally made which you’d find in a store. So for your pleasure, here are some of the great Easter cake blunders that would make Peter Rabbit puke.

1. We begin with the celebration of new life as a chick emerges from its shell.

Okay, I know real chicks aren’t cute and fluffy when just out of the egg. Yet, this one seems to induce nightmares.

2. Of course, you can’t do anything wrong with a basket cake.

Now that’s a real basket case if you ask me. More like a muppet with roses instead of eyes. Of course, he can’t really smell the roses for he’s wearing rose colored glasses. Also, how long did this decorator realize that this cake was upside down?

3. When it comes to whether the chicken or the egg came first, this baker has the answer.

So it was the chicken sperm that came first. Definitely not age appropriate material for an Easter cake, especially in a family setting.

4. For those more religiously inclined, this Easter cross is for you.

You call that a cross? Seriously, how hard is it to mess up on a cross cake. I mean that’s just ungodly hideous for God’s sake.

5. For those who love Easter and Angry Birds, this is the cake for you.

Of course, green pigs might want to stay away from this one. Nevertheless, she’s bringing sexy quack.

6. Now we get to bunny cakes, hope nothing can go wrong with that.

Spiked whiskers? That’s just freaky. Seriously, couldn’t they use a different kind of icing for that?

7. Happy Easter from the chick with the chipmunk cheeks.

And from what I can tell, he seems quite amazed by all the food in his midst. Oh, I forgot, he is food.

8. Once upon a time, a group of bunny rabbits found a field filled with the most enormous carrots.

Unfortunately, the field was located near the Waltz Mill Westinghouse nuclear power plant which experienced a major meltdown during the 1970s. Let’s just say it really messed up a lot of rabbit genetics and leave it at that.

9. Happy Easter from Angry Big Bird.

Sorry, kids, but you’ve come at a really bad time to ask Big Bird on how to get to Sesame Street. Seriously, you don’t want to see him when he’s angry.

10. Nothing says Easter like a field of giant carrots rising up and eating all the bunnies.

Seriously, since when did anyone think of cupcakes depicting bunny eating carrots would be great for Easter? I mean was this decorator on drugs?

11. Happy Easter from the Snidely Whiplash bunny with twist ties on its neck.

I’d really hate to see what this bunny is up to. Seems like it wants to tie somebody on the railroad tracks while in sight of an oncoming train.

12. Rejoice and be glad! For He has risen! Or not.

Since when is an RIP tombstone an appropriate motif for an Easter cake. I mean those who know about Jesus know his tomb resembled a small cave, not something you’d see in a cemetery.

13. This little chick must watch out or else be Pac-Man’s supper.

Okay, I know this is supposed to be a cake depicting a chick hatching from an egg. Yet, this more or less looks like a decorated Pac Man gone rogue for some reason.

14. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a lamb cake this Easter Season.

Yet, this one somehow manages to get impaled with an American flag. How adorable! Not. I’d hate to see the national implications there.

15. Of course, while lambs are seen as tranquil and innocent animals, this isn’t always the case.

Apparently, this lamb saw other lambs smoking and thought it was cool. Of course, little did it know it would lead to lungs filled with tar, on the other hand.

16. Of course, if you don’t like animals, then Easter egg cakes are a viable choice.

Then again, perhaps Easter isn’t the time of year that calls for cakes with subliminal imagery, especially for events with kids around. They may not understand.

17. Happy Easter and all bow down to the dreaded Easter Bunny holding the sacred carrots.

Abandon all hope for ye who enter here. Boy, I think someone might want to call the Bunny exorcist here because this rabbit seems possessed.

18. Seems like the Easter Bunny needs to trim his claws before he scares the children away.

Recounting the rabbit’s face, this won’t happen anytime soon. Also needs to do something about that hump.

19. Happy Easter from the bunny who wants to hop in and bite your face off.

Yes, this rabbit seems like the kind to give you nightmares. You might want to have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in handy, just in case.

20. Happy Easter from the newly hatched chick from an Easter egg.

Reminds me of what the Genie said in Aladdin, “PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!! Itty bitty living space.” Also, don’t like the look on that chick’s face.

21. Evil Easter Bunny bestows his greetings. So hop to it or else.

I don’t know about you, but perhaps using jelly beans for facial features may not be a good idea. Seriously, this bunny looks more like a hare out of Hell.

22. I’m sure an Easter bunny cookie cake would make a great dessert for the whole family.

I don’t know about you but there’s something odd about that bunny that greatly disturbs me. Perhaps it’s rising to the occasion or bursting forth with glorious song if you know what I mean.

23. Happy Easter courtesy of the Incredible Hulk Chick.

Seems like the gamma rays really spread to the barnyard variety have they? Nevertheless, the only way you can tell it’s supposed to be the chick is due to the plastic.

24. Nothing commemorates Jesus’ resurrection like splattery tie dye and carrots on the cross.

Well, a tie dye resurrection cake could be all rights when it pertains to a theatrical celebration of Jesus Christ: Superstar. As with the carrots, well, they’re not cruciferous vegetables.

25. Easter egg or a slice of giant old pepperoni?

Well, it’s hard to say but judging by how the dotted orange egg isn’t a great oval, I’d go with the old pepperoni.

26. Of course, when it comes to eggs, their simple oval shape shouldn’t be difficult to depict on a cake.

Wait a minute. That’s no Easter egg. That’s an Easter themed Christmas tree. Seriously, apparently who ever made this cake doesn’t seem to understand basic geometry.

27. We all know that the Easter Bunny delivers eggs to children at Easter but did you know he also has his own carrot car?

Then again, this might not be a great artistic rendition. Also, why does the Easter Bunny have a mustache in this and carries an expression as if he’s been in an accident?

28. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, Electro Egg.

Yes, this is Electro Egg. And by the look of his face, someone is bound for a shocker, literally.

29. Happy Easter from the cutest yellow chick from your nightmares!

Now the more you look at this chick the creepier it looks for some reason. Seriously, it’s freaking me out right now.

30. This cake depicts a chick because we all know it’s one of the few Easter animals that say, “Peep Peep.”

Yet, from how I see it, it seems like a freakish yellow seahorse to me. Or possibly a weird banana with eyes or a swan. Then again, it may well be an alien from outer space for all we know.

31. Happy Easter from the -wait a minute are those, boobs? What happened to its arms then?

Now I know that the decorator intended those to be arms. Yet, when you look at it, you have to wonder whether such confection is appropriate for children.

32. Behold, all hail our Cute Overlord, Moldy Puffs Pickle-Ears.

Is it just me or do green Easter Bunny cakes just seem disgusting to you? Well, it does to me and I don’t think this bunny’s thoughts are all that innocent.

33. Nothing says Easter than a cake with a volcano design.

Hate to imagine what that bunny is doing to that egg. Nevertheless, why use a volcano cake for Easter? Oh, it’s supposed to be an egg, but I’m not sure if I can believe that.

34. May I present to you the Easter, what the hell is this?

Now I know this is supposed to be an Easter cake since it contains spring motifs like bunnies and flowers. Yet, I don’t know if I can tell whether this is a stool or a Shinto shrine.

35. Nothing says Easter like a chick who can’t quite get out of its Easter egg.

Apparently, this decorator should’ve just stuck with the egg and left it at that. Having a chick come out of it is all the more disturbing for some reason.

36. Happy Easter from your beloved Easter Bunny from Hell!

Seems like this cake decorator had some traumatic encounter with a costumed Easter Bunny as a kid at the mall. Totally understandable but this doesn’t stop such image from haunting children’s dreams.

37. Though we all know that Easter commemorates Jesus’ resurrection, but did you know that there were two bunnies holding eggs near the cross during his crucifixion?

Yes, I know the Cross is a popular Easter motif as well as bunnies and eggs. But just because some symbols may belong on the same holiday doesn’t mean they go together. I mean there’s a reason why we don’t include Santa in the nativity scene on Christmas for God’s sake.

38. While Lambs are supposed to be sweet and innocent, this lamb is a whole different story.

Yes, this lamb may be young and spring born. But it seems to have murder on the mind and is probably the black sheep of the family in a metaphorical sense.

39. Nothing says Easter than a cake depicting a rabbit from a science experiment gone bad.

Okay, this cake was decorated by a person who A. has never seen a rabbit, B. is on drugs, C. was influenced by drawings of Dr. Seuss or other weird illustrators, or D. all of the above.

40. I now give you, Bunny Bugs.

I’m not sure why the decorator thought such concept was a good idea. They just look like pink worms with bunny heads. Disgusting.

41. Since Jesus is the Lamb of God, then it’s only fitting to have a lamb on the cross.

Now how in the hell is that a cross? If not, then what the hell is it? Then again, it reminds me of something but I’m not sure if this is the kind of post to disclose it.

42. Nothing says Easter like, cookies of gingerbread men?

Of course, Easter does revolve around the themes of resurrection and new life so it’s only fitting. The gingerbread men represent the decaying corpses on the ground while the carrot and rabbit symbolize the new life coming out from them.

43. You can’t celebrate Easter without a cake of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.

Sure it may seem like a harmless bunny but as Tim the Enchanter said, “That’s no ordinary rabbit! That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!” Make sure you have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in handy.

44. Nothing says Easter like a cake depicting a cross of green.

Oh, my bad, that’s Saint Patrick’s Day. Of course, while the Saint Paddy’s motifs are obvious, it apparently didn’t sell by March 17. So it’s marketed as an Easter cake instead.

45. Of course, you can’t have Easter without a cake depicting a rabbit’s posterior in its natural habitat.

Let’s just say, I don’t understand the appeal of butt cakes and never will. Still, where’s the rest of the rabbit for God’s sake?

Hippity, Hoppity, Sketchy Easter Bunnies on Their Way

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 5, 2015

Okay, Easter isn’t quite like Christmas or anywhere close. I mean Easter revolves around bunnies and eggs as well as celebrates Jesus’ resurrection. Sure there are gifts in baskets as well as candy but it’s nothing compared to Christmas. But this doesn’t stop some people from trying to make it like a spring version of the winter yuletide holiday. And instead of a white bearded guy in a red suit, you have the Easter Bunny who’s depicted as someone wearing a bunny costume like you’d see at a furry convention. In fact, a costumed Easter Bunny is probably a furry underneath those over-sized rabbit ears and cotton tail. However, though rabbits are adorable animals, there’s nothing cute about an adult wearing an animal costume, no matter how adorable the animal is in question. But this doesn’t stop parents from having their kids pose with these costumed monstrosities, sometimes compelling children to wish they could sit on the creepy mall Santa’s lap. In this post, you will see some of the most terrifying Easter Bunnies imaginable which have incite terrors into children more than the one from Donnie Darko or the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (well, I’m not sure about that but it managed to scare off a bunch of knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail). So for your reading pleasure, here is an assortment of Easter Bunnies who might be more terrifying than a crucified man since such costumed bunnies are walking, talking nightmares of soul scarring horror. Some material may not be safe for work.

1. “Could you take this child, please? I’m late for a bank robbery.”

This little girl doesn’t look too happy here. Of course, if I were her, I’d probably feel the same way.

2. These eyes are empty and only reveal that this rabbit has no soul.

I know this is supposed to be a bunny. But it also seems like it’s from a different world or in another dimension. Yet, it seems to have murder on the mind. That little girl better watch it.

3. “Mommy, get me off him! He wants to eat me!”

Painfully this little girl cries like there’s no tomorrow as this Easter Bunny is already looking for his next victim. Those blue eyes only desire the sweet blood of children.

4. What are you waiting for, girl? You have roller blades and joint pads so go before the giant long furry Peter Cottontail tries to get you! Your life depends on it.

I don’t like the look on that bunny’s face. You can already tell he’s at that roller skating rink eying at the small, slow ones.

5. Sometimes people have their pets pose with the Easter Bunny instead of their children.

Those are actually just whiskers. His mouth is the part that’s salivating over the dog he’s about to swallow whole. I don’t want to think about it. Seems like PETA will never hear the end of it.

6. “If you want me to deliver your Easter basket, I’ll need that alarm code.”

Little girl, run away and never return. Seriously, that bunny’s nothing but bad news from the look in his eyes that bear no trace of kindness to any living creature.

7. “We’re going to have a lot of fun together.” (followed by evil maniacal laugh).

Seems like the rabbit is thinking, “I didn’t know they came in chocolate varieties. Looks delicious.” Sorry, NAACP, I was just trying to say it from the rabbit’s point of view.

8. “What do you know? A double pack.”

Man, this bunny sure seems happy but not in a good way. Don’t want to be those girls on his lap.

9. “Have you ever seen the inside of a windowless van?”

This girl sitting on his lap doesn’t seem to be crying. Either she’s very brave or really has no idea of what that bunny has in store for her.

10. “Mommy, no! Please, come back, Mommy! I’ll be good, I promise! Anything but the Easter Bunny, please!”

Behold, the expressionless face of an unrepentent monster. Seriously,spare him his life from this monstrosity!

11. Behold, the ferocious bunny slasher! It’s prey: children, sweet innocent children.

Even by Easter Bunny standards, those eyes are demonic. No wonder he spends most of this time hidden among the bushes, waiting for some unsuspecting kid to drop by. Also, is that blood?

12. This lovely lady bunny from Crayola seems to be pulling off the crying Tammy Faye Bakker look with her eyelashes. Her lashes are so lush they turn the whole eye black.

And, yes, it seems like this lady bunny appears to have the makings of either a makeup contract or a slasher horror movie in which she plays the one killing everyone.

13. “Prisoner 49581, please submit yourself to The Bunny. Prisoner 49581 to The Bunny.”

Hey, it could be worse, kid, at least you’re way too young to be eligible for the Hunger Games. Even so, I have a bad feeling about this situation.

14. As if Easter Bunnies look scary enough with kids, they even look creepier alone.

“Welcome to my humble abode, would you like some of my carrot and children stew? Got the recipe from a cookbook by one Dr. Hannibal Lecter.”

15. “After I give them their eggs, I am taking them back to my planet with me.”

After this photo was taken Eric and Dylan Pasternak were never seen again. We’re not sure of what happened to them or whether they’re still alive.

16. Some parents may make their kids have a picture with the Easter Bunny. Then there are some defying them because they can smell terror.

Run, girl, run for your life. Save yourself while you still can. We all know him giving out eggs with candy in them is just an act.

Run, girl, run for your life. Save yourself while you still can. We all know him giving out eggs with candy in them is just a way to lure children. Of course, he might just be giving her a head start. Some Easter Bunnies just love the sport of the hunt.

17. Of course, we all don’t know what happened to the Kray boys but according to this picture, it seems that he started to nibble on them when someone took this photo.

Lord knows whether these boys’ parents are haunted by their screams of, “Don’t eat me! Don’t eat me!” The horror, the horror.

18. “The child is one of us now.”

And after that, little Timmy was never seen again. His parents are still looking for him to this day but they’re beyond all hope finding him.

19. “Mmmmm….this little girl’s hand just tastes scrumptious. I wonder what the rest of her tastes like.”

I have a bad feeling about this situation. I’m sure little Susie is spending a lifetime in therapy by now, if she ever survived. If she did, not sure about the hand.

20. Before Chuck E. Cheese was a mouse, he was a rabbit. Yet, the kids just didn’t seem to warm up to him as a bunny for some reason.

Yeah, I have to agree. As much as I think the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese and all his friends are, they’re not nearly as terrifying as this guy.

21. “I love babies. Love how they’re so innocent and helpless, which makes them easy prey.”

Baby Ava’s parents should just scoop her up quick or else, she might end up as Peter Cottontail’s next meal by the looks of it.

22. “So which one of you bitches is coming back to my place tonight?”

While some Easter Bunnies are after the innocent blood of the children, others are just plain perverts who want young women to show them their tits.

23. “I have you now, my pretties.”

This Easter Bunny seems so happy but not in a good way. Seems to enjoy the smell of sweet innocents in the morning.

24. Little did Sally and Andy know that there was a giant pink monster behind them.

Maybe it’s best to leave the two blissfully unaware of the pink monster gaining up on them. And I certainly don’t like the look in his eyes.

25. Easter Bunny or horror movie monster?

I know it’s supposed to be a rabbit but it seems that this Easter Bunny seems A. on meth, B. has a day job as a franchise horror movie villain, C. has had his Easter Bunny costume made by someone who thinks he’s some burned out rabbit drug fiend, or D. all of the above.

26. “Note to self: perhaps mixing alfalfa with the gin and tonic is probably not a good idea.”

Yeah, that bunny seems to have ventured too far into the pot patch by the looks of it. Either that, or she seems as if she’s had a few too many.

27. “Mmmm…I seem to have an acquired taste for little girls. So tasty.”

Tragically, Little Jessica was never seen again after this. Her parents are still looking for her and have started working to keep Easter Bunnies out of playgrounds.

28. “Come and play with me, little girl.”

I don’t like the look on that bunny’s face. I mean it’s just as if he wants to have her for dinner in the Donner Party sense. Seems like this little girl doesn’t know what she’s up against.

29. Man, this girl must be very brave to keep a straight face while on that Easter Bunny’s lap.

In the words of Tim the Enchanter, “Death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth…” Also, don’t like the hand placement by the looks of it.

30. Before he had a successful career in movies and played Nucky Thompson in the Emmy-Award winning HBO series Boardwalk Empire, Steve Buscemi would occasionally fill in as an Easter Bunny ast the mall.

Of course, this was how he was discovered by the Coen Brothers who cast him as a villain in several of their films from the 1990s.

31. May I introduce you to the Easter Bunny and his friend Butch. At least I think it’s his friend. Please, be his friend.

“Time for our 12 o’clock paddy cake, tiger.” For those who’ve seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, you might know what I’m implying.

32. “Okay, kids, remember what I showed you about how to open a locked car without a key.”

Man, I don’t know about you but this Easter Bunny seems like a very bad role model by the looks of it. Please don’t trust him with your kids.

33. Don’t look now, but I think the bunny has just grabbed some unsuspecting kid.

Seriously, that boy must be on something since nobody smiles when a giant ferocious Easter Bunny puts their arms around them before dragging them to their untimely deaths.

34. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the Velveteen Rabbit, from Hell!

Man, and you thought today's costumed Easter Bunnies were horrifying. I mean just look at its souless eyes and long gnashing teeth.

Man, and you thought today’s costumed Easter Bunnies were horrifying. I mean just look at its soulless eyes and long gnashing teeth.

35. Allow me to introduce to you the Easter Bunny and his penguin pal.

I can bet this boy is wetting his pants as we speak. And from the looks of it, I can’t decide which one I’d rather sit on for they’re both equally nightmare inducing.

36. Little does this little boy know about the bespeckled horror behind him.

Mall security, I think we may need a higher and fuller fence. Else, risk a full frontal assault because that rabbit’s dynamite.

37. Of course, delivering eggs to all those kids is exhausting work.

Man, and you thought the Easter Bunny is supposed to be a good role model for children. Don’t let those kids catch you with those cigarettes and booze.

38. When not traumatizing kids at the mall, they are hanging out at the Easter office party.

Man, this bunny is just creepy as hell. Bet the woman is just smiling because she’s being promised a raise. Yet, this one is guaranteed to devour your soul if you don’t get back to work.

39. Behold, nobody is safe from the attack of Peter Rabbit.

And it seems that this Peter Rabbit seems to find nourishment in the tears of sweet innocent children. Oh, the humanity!

40. Easter Bunny or slasher horror movie villain?

Man, had no idea that homemade paper masks can be so terrifying, especially for a rabbit costume. I wonder what became of those kids.

41. “I think her liver will go just fine with some fava beans and a fine Chianti.”

This girl on the Bunny’s lap is taking this photo op quite well. Yet, this Flopsy seems to have murder on the mind.

42. Behold, well dressed chocolate bunny on the street.

Okay, not only is this chocolate bunny seems like a substitute teacher from your nightmares, it’s actually quite offensive if you see that it’s a white guy without makeup, especially without the bunny ears.

43. “If you don’t give me your Social Security number, the number on your bank account and credit cards, and your home alarm code, then you might as well kiss your precious children goodbye.”

Of course, this is the kind of picture you’d send along with a ransom note. Still, this bunny’s eyes bear no soul at all.

44. I’m sure having an Easter Bunny dressed as a granny won’t traumatize the kiddies a bit.

Ooops, I was wrong. Still enough to give this little boy nightmares who seems resigned to his inevitable fate at the moment.

45. Easter Bunny or mascot for a fiberglass insulation company?

Of course, I’m not sure if that makes any difference for it seems like this creature seems too cute for a haunted house and too creepy for anything else.

46. “I just love it when they scream.”

Because nothing replenishes an Easter Bunny like screams of horror from innocent helpless children.

47. When the Easter Bunny grabbed her basket, suddenly egg hunting didn’t seem like a great idea for little Abigail.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to go egg hunting with this Easter Bunny either, especially one that’s likely to appear in children’s nightmares.

48. “You can have her, just please stop looking at us like that.“

I’d hate to know what this nefariously pink Peter Cottontail has on his mind. Oh, yes, he’s pure evil as you can see in his eyes.

49. Hmm…seems like this Easter Bunny really doesn’t know how to behave during a beauty pageant photo-op.

And the fact he’s looking down on a beauty queen who’s at least a pre-teen makes this picture all the more cringe worthy.

50. I can’t tell whether this bunny is dead or just resting.

Did it just die? Get the kid, he’s on a dead bunny! Of course, I also don’t like how this bunny has his arm on the boy in this picture. Seriously, why?

51. Now that’s now bunny. That’s a giant white sentient peep.

And as a peep, his insides just consist of a concoction of inedible marshmallow and sugar filled with straight up maliciousness.

52. Either this boy is sitting on the Easter Bunny’s lap or this is a still from a lost Twilight Zone episode that depicted a giant, raging, rabbit psychokiller that preys especially on children.

Either way, this poor boy will have to spend a lifetime of therapy sessions, if he ever survived his encounter. Seriously, that bunny is just horrifying beyond all reason.

53. Either this Easter Bunny is trying to eat the dog or possibly commit unspeakable acts with it.

Either way, I really don’t want to know. Someone please call animal control and remove this creepy rabbit from the premises.

54. Unable to wriggle free, the child grimly accepts his fate.

Man, this lady bunny seems to have used way too much eyeliner for some reason. Seriously, that’s not cute. That’s nightmare inducing terror.

55. “Don’t cry running from me, little girl. You parents haven’t paid the ransom yet.”

Since when does an “abduction motif” make for a memorable Easter photo? This is utterly fucked up beyond all imagination? Seriously, why?

56. Of course, if it weren’t for the drug charges, Cottontail would still be taking photo ops with children instead of dogs.

“Dude, I can totally go for some of those leafy vegetables in Mr. MacGregor’s rad basement right now. Of course, eating them makes me so hungry and tripping balls.”

57. Of course, Larry decided to work as an Easter Bunny after he accidentally bleached his Bigfoot costume.

Yeah, that totally looks like a white rabbit. Well, the ears at least. Not sure about the rest of him. Seems more like a monster you’d have if the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland mated with Chewbacca.

58. “Hey, kid, touch my carrot, will you?”

Due to the unfortunate carrot placement and the creepy look on that bunny’s face, then no, kid. Absolutely not. Just run away like hell, kid. Seriously, you don’t want to know what this bunny is up to.

59. Don’t look now, but I don’t think this bunny is doing anything lawful on the premises.

If you see an Easter Bunny that looks like this on your lawn, you might want to call the cops in your area. Seriously, do it before he steals something like your car keys.

60. “Mind if I cut in, ladies?”

Sure these women may be smiling but there’s something not right about this bunny’s facial expression. I mean he just seems to have a face of someone subject to a sexual harassment lawsuit.

61. Of course, it isn’t uncommon for some Easter Bunnies to visit retirement homes.

Now this old lady is like, “Back off, boy, or I’ll put you in a world by running over you with my walker. Kepeche?”

62. “I am the easter bunny dammit, respect me or I eat the child.”

And looking at his evil, soulless, eyes, I don’t think he’s kidding. And I’m not sure if this boy is aware of what’s going on.

63. What’s odd about this Easter Bunny is that he doesn’t seem too fond of children.

“God dammit, I only did this for the money! If I have to see one more kid sit on my lap, then I’m not sure what I’ll do. Now where my Jack Daniels and 10 cent hooker they promised me?”

64.By the look of his eyes, this rabbit definitely has a nose candy problem.

Okay, I think this rabbit is just plain terrifying. By the way, despite the kid having a butch haircut, that's definitely a girl because little boys didn't wear puffy sleeves like that in the day.

Okay, I think this rabbit is just plain terrifying, especially where he has his hands. By the way, despite the kid having a butch haircut, that’s definitely a girl because little boys didn’t wear puffy sleeves like that in the day.

65. By the looks of it, you’d think the Easter Bunny was plotting to kill Superman.

Of course, what makes this even more cringe worthy is that George Reeves actually died of a gunshot wound under some mysterious circumstances. But I’m surprised why the Easter Bunny was never a murder suspect.

66. “I give you eggs and candy in your Easter basket, you give me booze. Do we have deal?”

Looking at the bunny’s face, you can tell he has a serious drinking problem. Maybe he should lay off on the mint juleps for awhile.

67. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

“That’s right, be a good little girl and eat these carrots. Else, you’ll make a lovely addition in my rabbit stew and I’m sure you don’t want that to happen.”

68. Okay, maybe this whole inter-species romance thing isn’t a great idea, especially if one of them is a giant 6 foot rabbit.

While Roger and Jessica Rabbit might make a cute couple, understand that they’re cartoons. Such Rabbit and human relations in real life would be quite terrifying according to this. I mean, rabbits were never meant to be sexy.

69. Easter Bunny or old timey villain with a double mustache?

Yeah, I’m sure this bunny doesn’t seem like he could go on homicidal warpath and kill a bunch of teenagers. Yeah right.

70. Dr. Moreau Pig/Bunny Atrocity Mask? Check! Costume on backwards? Check! Suspect location? Check! Happy Easter.

Yeah, wearing a bunny costume backwards really doesn’t make this bunny less scary. Of course, the mask really inspires a slew of eternal nightmares.

71. Of course, since pink is a festive Easter color, maybe pink bunnies aren’t so bad.

I was wrong since this one completely scares the bejesus out of anyone who dares looks into her soulless eyes. Also, I bet the boy probably needs some brown pants by now.

72. “Go, ahead, kid touch the carrot, will you?”

Oh, hell, no. Please don’t, kid. Just don’t. I have a bad feeling about this. Seriously, those eyes bear no sense of kindness whatsoever.

73. “Oh, yes, little one, come to me. You will be assimilated.”

Okay, I know this is supposed to depict a sweet, heartwarming moment. But I just can’t help but cringe when looking at this. Seriously, that bunny is terrifying.

74. I’m not sure this girl should reach into that Easter basket. Must be desperate for Easter goodies.

Seems like she was a bit desperate. Of course, this is how an Easter Bunny like that would try to ensnare its prey. Yeah, that girl may never be seen again anytime soon.

75. Now that looks like a cross between the Easter Bunny and the Abominable Snowman.

Now if it weren’t for the long ears, I would’ve sworn it was some kind of homicidal monster from a children’s cartoon of some sort.

76. They say if you can look into his eyes, you can see the fiery depths of Hell itself.

Either that, or it resembles the Trix Rabbit after he stopped craving cereal and started abusing psychoactive and hallucinogenic drugs like meth, for instance.

77. For children who prefer their six-foot rabbits more nightmarishly realistic.

Of course, this child is probably going to experience a lifetime of giant bunny nightmares. Yet, I’m not sure whether this one laughs maniacally or not.

78. Of course, many people say that 2 Easter Bunnies are better than one.

Okay, I’m sorry. I was wrong. They’re actually quite terrifying. And I’m sure that there’s no escape for screaming baby Julie on the lady bunny’s laugh. Of course, I could see these two laughing maniacally on the whole thing.

79. “The child is mine. All mine. Nah hah hah hah hah.”

I guess this child is beyond hope when it comes to getting away from arms of the fluffy pink and white monstrosity.

80. When not having kids sit on his lap, this Easter Bunny likes to hang out at the club.

I’m not sure why he’s a hit with the ladies because that evil, soulless face is more appropriate for a horror movie. Seriously, I really don’t like the looks of him.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 3, 2015

While not a big card exchange holiday like Christmas and Valentine’s Day as well as perhaps Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, there are some people who take part of this tradition which was started in the 19th century. Many of these cards contain a variety of Easter motifs like bunnies, chicks, eggs, crosses, and what not. Of course, as with anything from more than a generation ago, Easter cards also may have a tendency to receive their share of nostalgia since many of them have artistic illustrations attached to them. Now I can go on all about the great vintage Easter greeting cards out there. But I know that would be boring so I’ll show you some Easter cards that would make us ask what the hell our ancestors were thinking or how did they ever think it was a good idea. Some of them might seem creepy by our standards as well as unintentionally funny. So maybe a vintage Easter card of Jesus as a shepherd is probably a better card to send, even if your friends aren’t Christian, compared to this bunch. So without further ado, here are some not so cutesy Easter cards from yesterday.

1. Happy Easter from the hatching Easter baby.

And this is why we need biology class as well as sex education in schools. Seriously, mammals are placental animals that don’t lay eggs.

2. Loving Easter Greetings, now watch what those chicks can do with that rabbit.

Man, it must suck being a rabbit in a chick circus. Seriously, nobody wants to get pussy willow whipped under the big top.

3. Easter greetings from an unhinged rabbit performance of Wuthering Heights performed from within giant egg.

Honestly, I really don’t want to know what’s going on there. And for those who know the story of Wuthering Heights, remember Cathy and Heathcliff’s screaming dysfunctional relationship doesn’t end well.

4. Happy Easter from some creepy woman in egg holding an egg.

I wonder what kind of drugs these French photographers and card designers were on to produce such crazy cards like these. Maybe absinthe isn’t as safe as it’s said to be.

5. Happy Easter from the two cats who decided to paint a hatching egg.

“Sure the egg might’ve hatched while we were painting it, Joey. But look on the bright side, at least we’re having baby rotisserie chicken tonight.”

6. Happy Easter from a German soldier, an Austro-Hungarian infantryman, and the Easter Bunny?

Man, seeing the Easter Bunny hanging out the the Central Powers. Let’s hope Santa Claus is on the Allies’ side or else a bunch a soldiers are sure going to be disappointed.

7. Easter greetings from the colorful, egg shell wearing, dancing bunny cult.

Who knew that old fashioned card artists could make bunnies and eggs so terrifying. Could possibly serve as an inspiration for a Donnie Darko poster.

8. “Okay, Henny Penny, I spared your last chick now repay me by laying your next egg in the frying pan. Breakfast doesn’t cook itself, you know.”

In the world of vintage cards, this is “breakfast.” In the world of poultry, this is Sophie’s Choice.

9. Happy Easter this spring from the Easter Puck.

While the Prince of Darkness may inhabit the fiery regions of Hell, he sure does enjoy frolicking among the white daffodils during the spring. Still, don’t want to see this during the Easter egg hunt.

10. Nothing says Easter like a visit from the ghost dad who went to fight on the Western Front.

Hmm…German soldier dad with Kaiser helmet watching over Easter Bunny with his children. Creepy.

11. Happy Easter from the egg carrying, umbrella wielding chicken lady.

Okay, that’s going to give your kid nightmares. Of course, she’s about to whack that bunny with her umbrella over the abduction of one of her unborn children.

12. Happy Easter from the chick preying bunny from Hell!

I hate to think what this evil eyed Easter bunny wants to do with this chick. Seems like he’s saying, “I have plans for you, Goldilocks.”

13. An Easter greeting from the bunny regiment and their enslaved chicken.

Yes, I’m sure those eggs are from those the enslaved chicken laid which they’re now using as artillery shells. Also, did I tell you that the chicken sort of resembles a rooster?

14. Easter greetings from the egg that inspired Hannibal Lecter.

How could any card company ever think this illustration is a good idea? I mean it has a picture of an anthropomorphic egg having it’s guts eaten out of him.

15. Happy Easter from creepy rabbit girl.

Okay, compared to the Donnie Darko rabbit and this girl in a rabbit costume, the creepy rabbit girl wins every time when it comes to inducing nightmares.

16. “All right, who’s been cracking the eggs in this basket?”

Okay, this card carries some unfortunate implications we need not discuss right now. Of course, those 2 eggs breaking might’ve been an accident but it’s not stopping the chick soldiers from chirping like mad.

17. “So remember kids, babies come from giant chicken eggs, okay?”

Do I need to remind anyone why sex ed is required in high schools across America? Seriously, this is fucked up. I mean what the hell was this designer on when he thought up this?

18. “By the way, Jimmy, this is a hard egg to crack so we must use hammers.”

Still, I wonder where these girls got their chicken costumes from. Oh, I think I can guess. Oh, my God, that’s disturbing! And there the yellow chick sits helplessly by to watch.

19. “Get off my lawn, you floppy eared, patted food, egg stealing punk, Peter Cottontail!”

Also serves as a great PSA on why we need stricter gun laws. Yep, nothing says Easter like a chick using his God given Second Amendment Right of standing his ground.

20. Apparently, Easter isn’t always welcome in places like the swamp since the frogs and the bees are total bullies.

By the way, are the frogs flinging mud or poo? I can’t really be sure. Besides, bees aren’t that big unless they’ve been exposed to radiation, perhaps, but I don’t want to think about it.

21. “Happy Easter, and remove the ladder please.”

Unfortunately, Billy would drown in an array of egg white and yoke as well as willful negligence from his friends.

22. Happy Easter with love from the office chick couple.

Seems like someone in the back isn’t happy for these 2 lovebirds and seems like it’s contemplating revenge of some sort.

23. Now these two chicks seem to have a nice Easter morning walk.

Okay, now the guy chick is smoking in a suit. The female chick has a bit of her shell attached to her ass. So does that mean she’s not long hatched and that there’s a bit of sugar daddery going on?

24. “Here, boy, here’s a lovely Easter egg to give to your mother.”

Remember, kids, don’t ever accept Easter eggs from strange rabbits. Seriously, you have no idea what their agenda is. Besides, the kid is creepy.

25. Good wishes, this Easter, unless you’re the chick in the stew pot.

Now this is quite disturbing. Aren’t the other two chicks going to help their friend? Or is the one chick like, “Sorry, but there’s a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC.”

26. Happy Easter by the creepy gnome painting Easter eggs.

Don’t like the look on that guy’s face. Also, I have a bad feeling about the chicks surrounding him who seem fatally attracted to the color red for some reason.

27. “Happy Easter and you can have my Easter eggs if you can pry them from my cold dead hands.”

Would great movie poster. I can see it now. Easter Bunny’s Revenge: It’s rabbit season, folks, but this time it’s man whose the hunted.

28. Happy Easter and all hail the giant newly hatched chick.

Now I’m not sure why these people have to dance around the chick. Must be some sort of cult ritual before they sacrifice it by setting the nest on fire.

29. Easter greetings from the gnome flower house.

“Come in and make yourself at home. Of course, I’m not going steal your eggs or make you into rabbit stew.” I have a bad feeling about this since the gnome is just terrifying.

30. In the latest of baby chicken transportation, I know give you the rabbit and egg shell carrier.

The rabbit seems dead inside. Also, I’m sure egg shells are very fragile and don’t make good containers. Just saying.

31. These rabbits wish you a happy Easter greeting.

And by “greeting,” the mean, “we will kill you. Possibly stuff and mount you while we’re at it.”

32. Happy Easter from the red eyed killer bunnies of infernal doom.

“We’re here to eat your cute little chicks or possibly stun you with our laser eyes.” Either way, these cute little chicks are going to be nuggets once these bunnies are done with them.

33. With best Easter wishes, let’s destroy these multicolored eggs from the nest by dumping them on these birds. It will be fun.

Obviously, whoever illustrated this cared either hated birds or didn’t think this one through. Bunch of brats.

34. Celebrate Easter like these two chickies would, getting drunk.

The one with the bottle is destined to become the famed rooster His Royal Majesty Rex Goliath who would reach a whopping 47 pounds as “the World’s Largest Rooster” and have a wine company named after him in California.

35. “You know these hens don’t just produce great artillery shells. They also are great for transporting cannons.”

Seriously, what’s with all this Easter motifs with battle implements? It’s like having a card with a picture of a commando Easter Bunny in camo carrying an AK-47! I mean, why?

36. On Easter, it’s not uncommon to see upright rabbits playing tennis with colored Easter eggs.

“It’s a good thing these eggs are hard boiled and covered in latex. Else, we’d have a slimy situation on our hands.”

37. Nothing says Easter like a boy putting the moves on a girl in a giant eggshell boat rowed by a rabbit.

I bet this rabbit is like, “Get a room, you two.” Still, how old are these kids supposed to be? I mean this is kind of disturbing if you ask me.

38. Happy Easter from the whole family.

Okay, now let me get this straight. This family consists of a rabbit dad and chick mom with two rabbit boys and a baby chick. So how does that happen? I have nothing against depicting inter-species relationships in greeting cards but this is ridiculous.

39. Remember parents, don’t leave your baby unattended with an egg basket. Because small children can easily fall prey to monstrous chicks.

I don’t like the look of the three chicks congregating like they’re straight out of Goodfellas. Luckily, baby has a pussy willow in hand for self-defense.

40. Didn’t know that the Easter Bunny traveled on a plane made from pink spring flowers.

I wonder what kind of drugs this illustrator was tripping on to come up with this? Seriously, why does this even exist?

41. Happy Easter from the naked lady hatching from the giant egg.

Since how does this capture the message of Easter? Seriously, you wonder that such cards of strange women hatching from eggs exist mainly as fanservice. You know, the kind of cards young men would send to their fellow frat brothers.

42. Happy Easter from the Easter egg girl.

Seriously, I’m at a loss for words with this one. Also, I don’t think that little girl’s dress is appropriate attire either. I mean, why?

43. Easter greetings from the chickies and the boy who’s about to kill their newly hatched friend with a paddle.

I don’t know about you but I think the chicks need to clear out right now because there’s a paddle wielding boy with murder on the mind.

44. Nothing says Easter like a newly hatched babe in the river.

Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don't emerge from eggs! Seriously, why?

Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don’t emerge from eggs! Else, Sports Illustrated and Playboy would’ve started their own egg hatching programs. Seriously, why?

45. Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on its-Holy shit, is that blood in that bucket?

Seems like Peter Cottontail murdered his boss and is now gleefully painting the town with his blood, literally. What a sadistic, homicidal rabbit.

46. Seems like this chick has taken habit to riding and smoking.

So I suppose this card shows how barnyard chicks really start early. Still, not sure which is freakier, the smoking or the riding habit.

47. This Easter, may you find an Easter Bunny within a colored egg.

Sorry, kids, but I’m afraid rabbit reproduction just doesn’t work that way. Rabbits give birth to live young and don’t emerge fully formed. Yeah, way to go with telling misleading information on rabbit biology. Also, is its ear bleeding?

48. Nothing makes a more adorable Easter card than a child covering a rabbit’s eyes.

Then again, those rabbit eyes seem to tell us that it’s pure evil and might kill us as we speak. The kid looks pretty creepy as well.

49. Nothing brings the spirit of Easter than a card depicting bunnies smoking flowers with pipes.

vintage-Easter-postcard-funny-rabbits-smoking-flowers-egg-pipes_jpg

Now they use egg shells for their pipe ends. Still, that must be strong stuff that their smoking. Also, you have to wonder what the designer was smoking to come up with this idea. Seriously why?

50. May your Easter greetings bring you great joy this spring.

free-vintage-easter-clip-art-pink-egg-three-tabby-kittens

Unfortunately for this chick, once it gets out of its shell, it won’t have a long to live. Because these cats seem to eye it as if they’re waiting for their next meal.

Personal Ads Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 14, 2015

Whether it be on Craigslist or the newspaper classifieds, personal ads have served as a way for people to meet one another for dates. Some do personal ads since they may not know people in the area or live in places with a small dating pool such as gays and those who probably dated everyone in town who’s not married as well as too old to be their child but too young to be their parents. Others want to meet people but don’t want it to be known in their public life. Of course, we all have reasons for seeking dates this way whether it be looking for a spouse or just a one night stand. Some people who put out personal ads may already be married and just looking to either swing or have a little on the side. Still, not all personal ads pertain to necessarily dating but plenty of them do, at least those we tend to make fun of. They usually include a description of the person and their interests. Those who are interested contact the person posting either through listed information or a forwarding service. Nevertheless, though some may post photos, the person posting it usually does it anonymously. Now I can go on and on about the great personal ads I’ve seen but that’s limited and I’m not sure if I want to resort to that when I have internet dating (but I’m far more interested in trying to establish myself as a writer and get a long term steady job that’ll get me out of my parents home, though I will take exceptions if the right guy comes along). Instead, I’ll post some of the more unusual and funny personal ads of people you may or may not want to date. Some of these may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some personal ads to laugh at this Valentine’s Day season.

1. While some try to make sure the message fits the ad, this one took two placements to get his message across.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

2. Some guys put themselves out there on the dating scene with the local classifieds. Some do it with Craigslist and online dating. But this guy does it with an entire billboard.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he’s probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn’t date this guy since he’s a returned missionary (since I’m Catholic, it’s a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

3. When a female farmer is looking for a man, she does her own personal ad with a tractor.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn’t even involved in a long distance relationship either.

4. I’m sure this ad is only honest when you read lines 1, 3, and 5. Pervert.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: “A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious.” Yeah, he’s not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

5. While some may long for a companion, others want someone to satisfy their particular uh, fetishes.

I can’t believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I’m not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn’t a carnie and I’m not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

6. Of course, it’s not always the young who seek just to hook up with during a one night stand.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he’s above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I’m not surprised that he’s looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn’t have a lot of people living there to begin with.

7. So that’s how Kermit met Piggy. Wait, I’ve seen The Muppet Movie and I’m pretty sure they met in person.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

8. Basically this ad says: “Go out with me because I spent $340 on this ad though I can’t pay for your dinner.”

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom. Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he’s 6’1,” 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

9. Sometimes in personal ads, you find guys who have impossible standards.

Sorry, dude, but I think it’s time to lower your standards. For God’s sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don’t want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

10. 33 year old male seeks meeting and boning women and couples as well as form or join a sex club.

It’s kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren’t the only ones believing in free love at the time.

11. Wanted: Women for our swingers club because we’re executives and there aren’t man women among us because it’s the 1960s.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they’re not picky since they’ll even take gay divorcees, yet I’m not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

12. Now personal ads don’t always have to be about getting dates. This woman just wants her purse back.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she’s seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

13. Some people find that personal ads sometimes make them express their poetic inclinations.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who’s possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can’t get her back, he’d settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

14. Now this is what I call a dirty old man who may a possible candidate for John Boehner’s biological father.

Yes, he has the Boehner “Groot” tan we all remember from the House Speaker’s appearance during Obama’s last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there’s a good chance his tan is natural.

15. Young educated Frenchman seeks rich older woman in the 19th century. I wonder what’s this for?

I don’t know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn’t have to include the word, “wealth” right?

16. Sometimes there are some people who post personal ads who really shouldn’t, like married people or priests.

I almost didn’t post this but I had to since it’s just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn’t really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman’s sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he’s probably not a real priest if he’s Catholic. If not, then someone’s about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

17. Sometimes it’s love at first sight. Other times, at first smell.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that’s too much.

18. Of course, you’d find a lot of divorced people posting personal ads but I’m not sure if this woman is ready to move on yet.

From what I’ve read in this ad, it’s very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she’s certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she’s upset about her husband’s cheating but still.

19. 35 year old engineer seeks woman to marry so he can get ahead in his business.

Man, seems like engineers haven’t changed much since the 1920s. Who’s to bet that he’s the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps. Also, the bank reference bit suggests, “gold digger.”

20. Two guys request two women to live happily ever after with-in the closet.

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don’t have a gay friendly boss. Still, I’m not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of “fun.”

21. Now this guy certainly has his mojo rising.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison’s personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27. It doesn’t look good, ladies. And you don’t want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

22. Of course, while some guys put out personal ads for hos, some try to get bros to do, you know, guy stuff.

Now I got to wonder about this guy’s sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he’s trying to prove he’s not light in the loafers by engaging in “manly” pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bow hunting together and they’re husband and wife.

23. Middle aged man seeks wife, no pretty rich bitches please!

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you’d expect a guy like Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, “Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife.”

24. Young beautiful woman seeks attractive sugar daddy.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a “gold digger.” Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c’mon, she’s looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn’t mention whether he has to be single.

25. Single mom-to-be seeks stepfather because baby daddy is behind bars.

I’m sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else’s baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid’s mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

26. Handsome Italian businessman seeking lifelong companion to give up everything and join him in an undisclosed location.

Now I don’t want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I’m not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an “Italian businessman entering witness protection” you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

27. Homeless musician seeks vulnerable runaway who’s at least 18.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn’t a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let’s hope he’s at least under 30.

28. Single man seeks woman so he can enjoy a threesome with his furniture.

I’m sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I’m sure he wouldn’t post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

29. Farmer seeks housekeeper and possible girlfriend.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can’t help himself with “mate” as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull or other animal.

30. Unemployed screenwriter in this 50s seeks 20 some blond girl as muse. Oh, she’s paying for her own dinner.

Hmmm….this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since he fits the guy’s description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include “under suspicion of murder” and “has major anger issues.”

31. Sometimes you can tell what a man does just by the way he describes himself.

This man is a mechanic since he’s describing himself like he’s a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it’s no surprise he’s a senior citizen who’s had parts replaced.

32. From how I read this, I guess this is a manga/anime nerd with a Japanese fetish.

By the way, endmame is preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I'm not sure of what to make with "samurai sensuality" which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong.

By the way, edamame is an Asian preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I’m not sure of what to make with “samurai sensuality” which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong. Then again, I’m not sure if this person knows what “edamame” or “bento box” mean.

33. Single male seeks single woman to entertain at kiddie birthday party?

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid’s birthday party, I’m sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won’t admit it.

34. For those seeking a good Christian man and an open marriage, you can’t do better than this guy ladies.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn’t too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

35. Of course, some people like to post personal ads just to say how much they miss their ex or not.

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what’s with people these days?

36. Well, when you hit a certain age, sometimes you have to be honest in your expectations.

Yeah, when you’re a 69 year old woman, you really can’t ask for fit and handsome, can you? Of course, she’s probably honest about the low energy lifestyle since she’s overweight and likes to eat.

37. Be wary of the personal ad by those seeking forbidden fruit.

Let’s see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

38. When it comes to the rebound, some people just don’t know when they should start dating again.

Seems like Jim Stone isn’t quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

39. Some people think personal ads are beneath their dignity, others not so much.

Seems like this woman isn’t afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

40. Some people can also use personal ads for not just getting a date but also seeking employment or shelter.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/giggolo. Now I haven't heard that before.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/gigolo. Now I haven’t heard that before.

41. Of course, unrealistic expectations don’t always have to pertain to looks.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That’s kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper’s personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off on The Big Bang Theory.

42. Of course, it’s not single men who posts personals in the paper.

Ladies, remember when a guy’s personal ad contains the word, “mistress” understand that he’s married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won’t leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

43.Of course, there are some things happen in Vegas, that should stay in Vegas.

Man, whoever “Ann” is, seems like she’ll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don’t know what to make of the guy’s picture. But at least he’s smart enough to include it.

44. We all know that looks shouldn’t matter but some guys just can’t resist.

Basically this guy is saying to women, “I don’t care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I’m not picky since I didn’t specify race, color, creed or hair color.” Well, he’s probably the most open minded guy you’d see—at a Victora’s Secret fashion show!

45. Now when it comes to personal ads, it’s important that you’d be a nonsmoker to some, most of the time.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a “nonsmoker” is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I’ve seen in my life use them.

46. Crazy Christian lady seeks good Christian man.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can’t help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don’t think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

47. Middle aged man seeks guy to hang out with him, play with trains and mutual touching. But is totally not gay.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he’s totally in the closet as far as I’m concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

48. Even muppets can have personal ads. This is Snuffy’s.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I’ll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

49. While some people have impossible relationship standards, others can’t raise their standards high enough.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the “you” description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

50. When it comes to sexual harassment, sometimes people just take it a little bit to extreme.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I’m not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

51. There’s nothing like a personal ad that says, “I’m turned off by your sarcasm and indifference but if you still want me, I’ll buy an extra ticket to Europe.”

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he’s just not into you. Then again, you’re probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

52. Go back in time with me, and bring your own weapons.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money.
Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn’t a joke. Says he’s done this before and safety isn’t guaranteed.
Verdict: Must be nuts.

53. Sometimes I can’t tell whether this guy is looking for a woman or a piece of meat.

I’m sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don’t know what he means by that.

54. Some people do personal ads just to know where they stand, sexually.

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what’s the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

55. When it comes to the perfect woman, some already know what they’re looking for.

I bet “H. M. C.” stands for “the Honorable Matthew Crawley.” I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

56. Some guys have impossible standards, others have enormous egos.

Now if a guy says he’s a perfect human specimen, you know he’s full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

57. Man seeks German woman with bookkeeping skills and titanic Teutonic titties.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

58. Charge up and jerk off with this guy.

Okay, this guy doesn’t look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let’s just say he won’t be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

59. Divorced cat lady wants to ride a blue balled man’s ivory tower.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she’s been divorced.

60. Social climber seeks friend to score middle aged rich men.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

61. Snob seeks hipster to have dinner and complain about eating shitty restaurant food.

Of course, seeing the word, “white” on this doesn’t make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I’m not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they’re totally different things.

62. Ang Lee fan seeks camping and fishing buddy. Must be married and not act gay.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

63. Chess champ seeks queenside for special endgame.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn't just get his kicks above the waistline, baby. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn’t just get his kicks above the waistline, sunshine. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

64. Single woman wants man to buy her a drink, and no alcoholics please.

Something tells me that she’s been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don’t realize they have a drinking problem.

65. This guy has everything a woman wants, save one testicle.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn’t be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he’s Lance Armstrong.

66. You know a guy is behind the times when he mentions “payphone” and “beeper” in his personal ad.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he’s still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn’t have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that’s only used by doctors these days.

67. Sugar daddy seeks college girl. Will pay for everything.

This guy may be a pig, but he’s not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I’m not that desperate.

68. 33 year old man seeks lady that smells like strawberry air freshener.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

69. Of course, it’s hard for people to make it in the dating world, especially if they have STDs.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don’t know “420” is marijuana.

70. Miniature stallion breeder seeks mare to ride on.

I’m sure “miniature” just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he’s looking for.

71. Woman wanted for excursion on taco truck and maybe a little tongue.

By the way, “lengua” is Spanish for tongue and it’s used to refer to “beef tongue.” Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don’t. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

72. In some cases, there are guys who think bigger is better.

I don’t know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who’s probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

73. Seems like a lot of Amazons want to swing from Tarzan’s big vine these days, figuratively speaking.

Of course, anyone who’s seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they’re from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

74. Perverted reclusive dirty old movie star seeks Chinese girl but has Japanese fetish.

For God’s sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can’t tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America. Still, this guy’s kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn’t much of a new leaf for him.

75. Guy in track suit bottoms seeks girl in pajamas with possible substance issues.

I don’t know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, “gorgeous” doesn’t enter my mind. Also, I don’t want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don’t want to know.

76. Internet dating? That’s for creeps. Real men use flyers to put themselves out there.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, “tacos.” Also “blue rays” has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don’t know who this guy is but he’s not scoring points with English teachers.

77. For the handsome Game of Thrones fan, this New Orleans woman just might be the girl of your dreams.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn’t want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn’t want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That’s like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child’s birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn’t request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

78. Even homeless guys might want to look for love some time, sort of.

Of course, this guy isn’t really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, “Bubbles” from The Wire.

79. Trailer man seeks woman just so he can pay the bills.

Actually, he’s only seeking a “girlfriend” because he can’t seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can’t have a cat. Of course, I’m not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

80. Web slinging Spiderman seeks bondage buddy, but not in a gay way, please.

I don’t know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 9, 2015

Since I posted my last vintage Valentines post last year in January, it’s become one of my most popular blog posts ever with 1,517 views and over 40 shares on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. I especially get a lot of views for this post around Valentine’s Day for obvious reasons. Well, for those who loved my last bunch of vintage Valentines, there’s a lot more where that came from. Whether they be racist, sexist, offensive, or somewhat carry unfortunate implications. Many of these vintage greeting cards may make you wonder why people would send these to each other or even their sweethearts. Sometimes they make you wish you can send them to your classmates while in elementary school. Some might have seen as a good idea at the time to the designer but seem to carry unfortunate implications by today’s standards. So without further adieu, here are some more of the wonderful vintage Valentines from yesterday.

1. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a fly telling you to stick around or catch on.

Or from the fly’s perspective, “Fly on this tape you’ll be stuck on forever and die.” How romantic!

2. Of course, there’s nothing more romantic place on Valentine’s Day than a butcher shop.

Now I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I’m not sure if “I’d like to meat you, valentine,” is a cute message or a way to tell them you’re a cannibal.

3. Say that you’ll never be false to your valentine by sending them a card with a set of dentures.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you’ll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that’s disgusting.

4. For Valentine’s Day assure that your heart only pants for only them by sending them a valentine with bloomers.

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, “pants” means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a cat telling you that she’ll be your sweetie pie if you make the dough.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

6. Of course, there’s nothing like a valentine from a sweetheart saying that he’s not being exclusive.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I’d be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a card depicting an adorable rendering of every parents’ worst nightmare.

Seriously, this is a child for God’s sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

8. Of course, you can’t say “I love you” without saying how you’d go for them in a big way.

Of course, I’m not sure if I’d want a guy saying he’s in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he’s seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

9. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than having a boy seize a girl’s eyes and mouth from behind.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn’t careful enough.

10. Happy Valentine’s Day from Popeye the Sailor Man.

Okay, that’s a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn’t know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason. Also the girl is totally not Olive Oyl by any means.

11. Nothing says you need to thaw out like a Valentine depicting a girl in the refrigerator.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would’ve been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

12. When searching for a girlfriend, it’s best that you go dressed in a matching checkered deer stalker cap and tweed with orange as well as a deer hunting rifle. Seriously, for some men, finding a girlfriend is like deer hunting.

Apparently, this card’s designer hasn’t read “The Most Dangerous Game.” It’s about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

13. Of course, what better valentine to send your sweetheart than one depicting kids on the playground.

Is it just me or does this valentine’s message seem apparently dirty? I don’t know but I have a feeling, “mount” doesn’t really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

14. Of course, nothing can be more adorable on Valentine’s Day than a cute angel building a snowman.

What I don’t get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

15. Happy Valentine’s Day by some person of indeterminate gender and his or her cat/dog hybrid pet in the dog house.

Now what I don’t understand is the message, “Sweetheart dear, I’m in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-” oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn’t it? It’s even dirtier if you or your valentine’s British since “pants” means what you wear under your trousers.

16. Happy Valentine’s Day from flapper fish but don’t ask me how she uses her fins.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can’t breathe outside water and fire can’t survive in water. So how’s that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don’t ask me.

17. There’s no better occasion than Valentine’s Day to tell your loved one how much you hate Asian people and that you can’t keep it in your pants.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I'm being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst since this screams racism. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I’m being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

18. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than offensively mocking Native Americans with demeaning stereotypes.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team’s name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It’s offensive like this Valentine of these kids thinking that Indians practice human sacrifice.

19. A valentine depicting a beaver carving a heart. Don’t see what can go wrong with that?

Of course, anyone who’s over a certain age knows what “beaver” also pertain to. It’s even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

20. Of course, there’s nothing like some hotdogs on the fire during Valentine’s Day.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog’s face.

21. Nothing makes a more romantic valentine than one of a pirate threatening to kidnap you.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it. Seriously, abduction for love is a thing and it’s not pretty.

22. Be my valentine or this means war.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can’t refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn’t okay in the least. What’s wrong with, “I’ll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?” Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

23. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a valentine of a lonely dog about to shoot himself.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? “Be my valentine or I’m going to shoot myself?” If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

24. Be my valentine or I’ll murder you, burn your body, and put your ashes in the trash can.

It's not what's in the trash can, it's who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can gives you a clue.

It’s not what’s in the trash can, it’s who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can of ashes gives you a clue.

25. Happy Valentine’s Day from Ronald McDonald.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he’s always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he’s about to haunt your dreams. Hope you love therapy.

26. Give me a kiss and I won’t bite your head off.

Of course, this doesn’t help that the wolf looks as if it’s ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It’s pretty terrifying if you ask me.

27. Aw, a cat licking some little kid clean, what can possibly go wrong with that?

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

28. This sailor has a cannon only loaded with love for you, valentine.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn’t recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy’s legs. This sort of makes the “loaded only with love for you, valentine” have a whole new dirty meaning.

29. Happy Valentine’s Day and I’ll ski into your heart whether you like it or not.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she’s gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That’s not cute, it’s scary.

30. Be my valentine or I’ll send my duck billed crocodile after you.

Doesn’t help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don’t know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn’t look so good.

31. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than two hot dogs in love.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don’t want to know what’s more. Seriously, this valentine’s designer must’ve been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

32. Happy Valentine’s Day from psycho pig.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he’ll make sure you’re as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

33. Don’t be a dummy and be my valentine.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a crazy mouse caught in a trap.

I don’t know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

35. Be my valentine and let’s be cuffed together for all eternity.

What’s this? Our grandparents’ BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

36. Be my valentine or I’ll blow my top if you say no. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I’m not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don’t seem like they’re up to any good.

37. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than cruelty to animals.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I’m sure the cat’s not liking it. Still, this girl is like, “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Giggle, giggle.

38. Be my valentine and I won’t be the fish that got away.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let’s hope this fish isn’t out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

39. Valentine, you are the apple of my eye.

Let’s hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don’t ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people’s heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

40. Valentine, even if you’d toss my love aside like Bluebeard, I’d still want you.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it's not like he just leaves them.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from medieval European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it’s not like he just leaves them.

41. Must I hammer it in until you be my valentine?

I don’t know about you but, isn’t hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I’m just saying.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy in your drink.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it’s pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it’s just a very big glass to begin with.

43. When it comes to the chase, some give up, some persist before they get the hint or restraining, and some keep trying beyond the grave.

Billy may be dead but he’s still determined to win Karen’s heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn’t had a good night sleep since.

44. Surrender and be my prisoner er-I mean valentine. That’s it.

Of course, this would’ve been quite different if she didn’t come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from your neighborhood 1950s diner that hires the ugly people.

Basically this is Miss Frizzle before she had the magic school bus. Of course, she went through a very awkward phase in high school and really didn't go out much with boys for obvious reasons.

Basically this is Lady Elaine back when she was working at the neighborhood of Make Believe diner and malt shop during the 1950s before it went out of business. Yes, she was going through a very awkward phase in high school.

46. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than some hot condiment on hotdog action. This time, it’s the pickle jar’s turn.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

47. You’re unusual, valentine, like the bearded lady.

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn’t be happy at all. I mean if you’re a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying “you’re ugly.”

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your generic horror movie monster whatever it is.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t your holiday.

49. Be my valentine, sunshine, or I’ll kill you.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don’t mess with this dame here.

50. Your eyes are brown like the harsh tobacco I inhale through too packs a day, which kills 1/3 of its users each year and is slowly killing me.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she’s like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she’s bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can’t seem to quit her. And if he’s with her long enough he’ll spend his last days slowly dying of cancer in the hospital if the heart attack doesn’t kill him first.

Fun with Action Figures

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 30, 2015

Let’s get one thing straight. Action figures are basically dolls, no matter how you look at it. Sure you may not treat them like a baby doll but c’mon, the inspiration for G. I. Joe was Barbie. Not to mention, they can sometimes have hair and removable clothes as well as have moveable parts. But unlike most of the traditional dolls you think of, they’re mainly for boys (but could be for either sex) usually consisting of superheroes and popular characters from their Saturday morning cartoons. I know franchises love selling action figures since it gives them lots of money in more ways than ticket or DVD sales. Merchandising popular media was partly the reason why Disney has become the conglomerate it has.Of course, we all had them at one time in our childhood or another. Nevertheless, while some of these figures I’ll show might be remnants from your childhood, others go on the unconventional of what many would see what an action figure could be. And some of them will tend to make you question their very existence. So without further adieu, here are some wonderful and not so wonderful action figurines you might want to see.

1. From the Six Million Dollar Man, we have the Bionic Bigfoot.

You can press Bionic Bigfoot’s crotch to reveal his insides. Nevertheless, this basically the closest thing you’ll find to a Sasquatch Beast than anything you’d see on The History Channel.

2. Sail the high seas robbing merchant ships with the notorious Bristol born pirate Captain Blackbeard.

Of course, he comes with multiple guns and a big ass 17th century sword. Nevertheless, unlike the real Blackbeard, he doesn't set fire to his beard or shoot members of his crew (allegedly). Also, though not a nice man, his cruelty might be exaggerated for publicity's sake.

Of course, he comes with multiple guns and a big ass 17th century sword. Nevertheless, unlike the real Blackbeard, he doesn’t set fire to his beard, contract STDs, or shoot members of his crew (allegedly). Also, though not a nice man, his cruelty might be exaggerated for publicity’s sake.

3. Give your son a male nurse action figure to encourage him in the nursing profession.

Comes with his own stethoscope and X-Ray. Nevertheless, even if a boy does have aspirations of being a male nurse, I highly doubt he’d want this action figure. Seriously, I applaud for trying to bring down gender stereotypes but boys will still find this one lame.

4. Introduce your kids to the first and world’s greatest escape artist, the one and only Harry Houdini.

Comes with his own chair, handcuffs, straitjacket, rope, and leg irons. Of course, the only thing that he can’t escape is a burst appendix in 1926. Then again, he basically inspired such “magicians” as David Blaine and Criss Angel.

5. As far as writer action figures go, nobody could beat the wit and witticisms of Oscar Wilde.

Of course, he will kick anyone who’d mess with him with his pimp cane while dressed in his flamboyant Victorian outfit. Nevertheless, his witticisms won’t protect him in the 1890s when he’s outed and imprisoned for homosexuality.

6. As Johann Sebastian Bach said, “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

Sure he comes with his own seat. Yet, most of the time you’ll find him at church all day as the organist which means he has to sweep the floors, instruct the choir, and compose a new cantata by Sunday. All while supporting a family that would have 10 out 20 children survive to adulthood. Yet, he won’t get any recognition of his music until Felix Mendelssohn discovered him in the 1800s.

7. Recreate the world of Prohibition and the 1920s underworld with gangster Lt. Commander Data?

Seriously, why have an android in a 1920s gangster outfit with his own gun, glass, booze bottle, and typewriter? Did Next Generation have a 1920s Prohibition episode? I mean at least 1920s action figures of Kirk and Spock would make more sense.

8. Under the cover of night, medieval archer Batman lurks in the forests outside ye olde Gotham City.

From io9: “If modern Batman refuses to use firearms, shouldn’t medieval Batman refuse to resort to archery? Just saying.” Yeah, I guess this person has a point. Nevertheless, he does have a big ass longbow. Still, wonder why they don’t have Batman as a medieval knight. I mean wouldn’t it make more sense to have him be one instead of one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men?

9. Kick ass in medieval and Warring States Japan with this Samurai Batman,

From Amazon: “The legendary figure of Batman existed in ancient Japan as Samurai Batman, a brave and strong warrior who pitted his skills against the evil warlords, or “daimyo”. Armed with his powerful, slashing “no-dachi” sword and protected by a customized samurai armor costume, Samurai Batman swept across the countryside, cutting down villainy and protecting villages at every turn. On the battlefield, Samurai Batman could always be identified by his “hata-jirushi” banner which streamed behind him in every conflict, striking fear into the hearts of his opponents. Samurai Batman’s glittering new metallic costume dazzles his opponents, allowing him precious seconds to strike!” Really, protecting villages? I mean samurai were the daimyo’s vassals. Still, I think “Ninja Batman” would make more sense since most Japanese ninjas were samurai anyway.

10. For those who love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and westerns, you will love this Bandito Michelangelo.

This is sort of a cross between TNMT and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. And I can see Bandito Mike say, “Badges, to god-damned hell with badges! We have no badges. In fact, we don’t need badges, cowabunga, dude!”

11. Compose your own 5th Symphony with an action figure of Ludwig van Beethoven.

This would’ve been a perfect toy for Schroeder from Peanuts since he’s a big Beethoven fan. Still, he’s basically the quintessential great composer known for going deaf, having messy digs and poor hygiene, violent mood swings, and a possible death from lead poisoning. Ear trumpets not included.

12. These sports playing Spiderman action figures will do well with any boy on your list.

For one, Spiderman is supposed to be Peter Parker who is better known for getting bullied by jocks than actually be one. Secondly, if Spiderman played sports, he’d do it as Peter Parker without the suit on in the first place. Also, I’m sure radioactive spider venom is an illegal performance enhancing substance. Seriously, why do these figures even exist?

13. Free the Hebrews of Egypt and let your people go with this action figure of Moses.

Comes with Ten Commandments and staff. Staff doesn’t change into snake nor does it part the Red Sea. Yet, don’t put him near any Golden Calves. Also, has a very nasty temper.

14. There’s never a problem that can be solved with Nancy Pearl Deluxe Librarian Action Figure.

Comes with her own computer, desk, and book collection. Of course, you must keep quiet around her at all times since people are trying to read at the library, you know.

Comes with her own computer, book cart, and book collection. Of course, you must keep quiet around her at all times since people are trying to read at the library, you know.

15. Make sure your action figures have their needs met with this school lunch lady action figure.

Comes with lunch counter, scoop, food tray and 9 lunch stickers that includes fish sticks and jello. Yet, keep in mind that she possesses a secret superpower called, “mystery meat.”

16. No one can ever cross the wretched lair of the crazy cat lady.

This animal hoarder comes with 6 different kind of cats besides the one on her neck. Of course, it’s unknown whether they’re fixed or breeding into the feral population. Yet, expect to see her on the evening news when she gets arrested for animal cruelty.

17. For the aspiring business major in college, an action figure of marketing guru Seth Godin makes a great gift.

Comes with a self-help book and mismatched socks. Of course, he’s a real guy who’s actually wrote a bunch of books and has a blog as well as a website called Squidoo. So yes, he’s real.

18. Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead with this dead collector action figure.

Comes with his triangle and wooden club. Death cart not included. Courtesy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Want this.

19. Protect your castle with this Rude Frenchman action figure from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Yes, they have a French Taunter action figure, too! Sure nothing would make it any better than to have it say things like, “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

20. Show your kids the true value of Jesus’ message with this Camo Jesus “I Am Peace” action figure.

Comes with his own battle gear, soldier helmet, machine gun, dove, and golden crown of thorns. Okay, you know Jesus came to this world to advocate peace, right? So why is he full decked in camo and battle gear? I mean you don’t wear all that for dove hunting.

21. Be all dressed to pick up chicks at your fancy dress masquerade with this Casanova action figure.

Comes with his own pull away mask that he could put on in his tireless pursuit of adventure. From Amazon: “Giovanni Giacomo Casanova was a soldier, an author, a spy, a gambler and a librarian. But all of those things pale in comparison to his reputation as a lover. His memoirs contain detailed accounts of his intimate relations with over 100 women!” Unfortunately, sexual conquests and memoirs not included. Yet, I’d rather have this guy than Christian Grey or Edward Cullen despite the possibility Casanova may have STDs.

22. Bring in the Spirit of the French Revolution with this action figure of the Austrian born French Queen Marie Antoinette.

Comes with a removable dress, removable wig, and removable head. Of course, though a subject of great controversy with her extravagant lifestyle (though not the only one to blame), she was more of a scapegoat since she knew nothing of her incompetent husband’s policy. All the bad stuff said about her was just all French Revolution Era propaganda.

23. Travel down on the farm with Farmer Donatello and his wife-beater wearing crow on his tractor.

Comes with a scythe, pick, tractor, and wife-beater wearing crow. Still, why does Donatello have a corn cob pipe in his mouth? Aren’t cartoon superheroes supposed to set a good example? Still, this is pretty lame.

24. Travel back in the Stone Age ring with this Rocky II caveman action figure.

Comes in a saber tooth tiger outfit equipped with his own club. Of course, when you think about it, Stallone really can be a convincing Cro Magnon but that’s all I can say about his acting range.

25. Have an Hawaiian adventure with “Chuckles” G. I. Joe.

Or as I call it, “G. I. Joe attending a Jimmy Buffet concert.” Yes, soon he’ll be wasting away again in Margaritaville. And possibly the only adventure he’ll go on is searching for his lost shaker of salt.

26. Join Batman in defeating the Penguin’s henchmen consisting of Commando Penguins.

So there you go kids, the Penguin’s henchmen are actually real penguins with little penguin weapons they could use. Well, until they have to back to their breeding grounds and pass eggs to each other. Of course, Cracked may have it right saying, “There’s no way enough of these toys sold to offset the cost of the liquor it took to design them.”

27. Go undercover with Ravishing Reporter April O’Neil in the seedy underworld of prostitution, which is an adventure that doesn’t include the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Comes with dagger and detachable skirt. Purpose mostly is for basically to fuel adolescent fantasies. Still, there's no doubt that April's supposed to be of the oldest profession here but seriously, sex trafficking isn't an appropriate subject for a Saturday morning cartoon.

Comes with dagger, video camera, makeup brush battle bro, katana blade curling iron, lipstick nunchucku, and detachable skirt. Purpose mostly is for basically to fuel adolescent fantasies. Still, there’s no doubt that April’s supposed to be of the oldest profession here but seriously, sex trafficking isn’t an appropriate subject for a Saturday morning cartoon.

28. Paint your masterpiece with the help of this action figure of the tortured artist Vincent van Gogh.

Comes with an easel, 4 paintings, a frame, pallet, paintbrush, and 2 detachable heads. One of the normal van Gogh and one after he cut off part of his ear. May suffer from malnutrition, violent mood swings, money problems, and suicidal tendencies. Available until he gets shot in an open field.

29. If you bring your loved one a shrubbery, perhaps a Knight of Ni action figure would do nicely.

Comes with antler helmet, fur outfit, and herring. Shrubbery not included. Still, those who hear the Knights Who Say Ni seldom live to tell the tale! I mean they’re keepers of the sacred words Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom! Still, if they try forcing you to cut down a tree with a herring, try saying “it.”

30. No Catholic boy who’s had his First Holy Communion should go without an action figure of His Holiness himself.

Comes with a holy cross kali stick, a Walther PPK handgun, and wearing a Vatican assault uniform? Jesus Christ, why the fuck does this exist? Seriously, the Holy Pontiff doesn’t even have all that stuff! Still, I’d love to sent one of these to Pope Francis to see what he thinks. Probably would give the holy facepalm. I mean this goes against everything the Holy Office stands for.

31. For the psychology major in your life, why don’t you give them an action figure of Dr. Sigmund Freud?

Comes with cigar, couch not included. Also, said to talk saying, “Tell me about your mother.” Amazon states, “Put him on your desk or nightstand to inspire you to explore the depths of your unconscious and embrace the symbolism of your dreams. ” Creepy. Also said to be very into cocaine.

32. If you love Richard Wagner’s Ring Cycle operas, then you’ll love this Wagner action figure.

Comes with baton, an ego the size of Germany, and rampant antisemitism. Nevertheless, don’t make his fandom among the Nazis discourage you. Still, you can hear his music in a famed Bugs Bunny cartoon.

33. For you girls who enjoy literature from the British Regency, here’s your own one of a kind Jane Austen action figure.

Comes with book, writing desk, and quill pen. Mr. Darcy and Lizzy Bennett not included. Also available in pink. Nevertheless, if you think Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was controversial, you should’ve seen the British establishment in the early 19th century when she came on the literary scene. I mean they thought the idea of a female novelist was an outrage.

34. Revisit all the very bad stuff about Victorian England with this one of a kind action figure of Charles Dickens.

Comes with his very own quill pen. Oliver Twist, Tiny Tim, Little Nell, Wackford Squeers, Sidney Carton, Uriah Heep, Miss Havisham, Little Dorrit, and Ebenezer Scrooge not included. Also, has a bunch of kids and leaves his wife for some actress. The jerk.

35. Relive the vibrant culture of Renaissance Florence under the Medicis with this action figure of Renaissance man Leonardo da Vinci.

Comes with paintbrush, 4 paintings, frame, and easel. Last Supper, sketches, and inventions not included. Moves to France later in life. Not to mention, is gay and left-handed. Also was never involved in secret organization that believed Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene (sorry, Dan Brown).

36. Discover the true meaning of the Gospel with Deluxe Miracle Jesus action figure.

Comes with 2 loves of fishes, 5 loaves of bread, and a water jug that changes water into wine (not really). Cross and 12 apostles not included. Nevertheless, this is actually one of the better Jesus action figures I’ve seen so far.

37. Now you can be part of the serial killing action with these Dexter dolls.

The left one is Dexter Kill Suit which comes with apron, scrubs, hand saw, and welder's mask. The right Bif Bang Pow! Dexter comes with a blood slide, knife, and trash bag. Plastic wrap, victim, and other kill room accessories not included.

The left one is Dexter Kill Suit which comes with apron, scrubs, hand saw, and welder’s mask. The right Dexter comes with a blood slide, knife, and trash bag. Plastic wrap, victim, and other kill room accessories not included.

38. Relive the 8th to 11th century Europe as a seafaring Scandinavian raider with this Dog Soldiers Viking action figure.

Comes with shield, sword, axe, dagger, and spear. Nevertheless, unlike what you’d see in popular media representations like on sports team logos and Wagner operas, this is more or less what Vikings actually looked like. Seriously, they didn’t wear horned helmets in battle.

39. Enjoy your favorite scary stories from high school English class with this one of a kind action figure of Edgar Allan Poe.

Comes with his own raven that may or may not say “Nevermore.” Still, while best known for his tales of mystery and the macabre within American Romantic literature, was also said to invent the detective story. Available until found dead on a street in Baltimore in 1849.

40. This Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart action figure is bound to kick ass faster than you can say, “Eine Kleine Nacht Musik.”

Comes with his own piano stool. Prone to play pranks and compose great operas and concertos. Loves fart jokes and bathroom humor. Available until 1791 when he succumbs to a long illness while composing the Requiem Mass at 35.

41. Help your child come out of the closet with Gay Bob.

From Top Tenz: “From his platinum blond hair, tight jeans, plaid shirt, and the whole closet theme, who wouldn’t want this doll? I just love the plethora of stereotypes. Even the way he is positioned is just, perfect. Oh and the best part, it’s made for everyone. Imagine getting this as a present. Boy, the conversations that would go down then.” Yeah, I wonder how a kid would react getting this for a birthday present.

42. Sword fighting has never been so much fun than with this Black Knight action figure from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Comes with his own sword and removable limbs. Still, even as he’s dismembered will still think losing a limb is just a scratch or flesh wound and will still keep fighting. None shall pass, indeed. Of course, at the end tends to say, “Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”

43. Have your kid live the high times of the Third Reich with this Adolf Hitler action figure.

Comes with his own hat, Nazi podium, and speakers. Nazis and death camp not included. Still, I would never recommend anyone to get this guy since, well, you know he started WWII and orchestrated the Holocaust. Yet, it just amazes me that there’s even a Hitler action figure available. Seriously, why?

44. Have your son experience the swell service of where Dad held his bachelor party with his very own Hooters girl action figure.

Comes with her own serving dish. Still, I’m certainly not making this up. Yet, even I am baffled as to why such toy exists. Seriously, it’s like having a female action figures consisting of strippers and prostitutes. I mean, why?

45. Defend American freedom for God and Country with “Enduring Freedom” Jesus.

Comes with his own rocket launcher and ammo as well as canteen, belt, knife, and desert camo. Seriously, what the fuck? In no way can I see the Prince of Peace blowing up guys in the Middle East with his rocket launcher. I wonder what kind of nutjob can ever think of such an inappropriate and possibly offensive toy like this. Still, can’t pass this one up.

46. Show your children the meaning of the crucifixion with this crucified Jesus Christ action figure.

Comes with ninja-messiah throwing nails and death-killer cross pumping action over-under shotgun. What the fuck? And they have Jesus nailed to the cross in pants, sandals, and a vest comparable to a 1st century Rambo so he can rise again in 3 days and take revenge on the authorities who crucified him. Seriously, this Jesus figure seems more appropriate for Quentin Tarantino film. Unbelievable. Still, doesn’t this kind of border on the sacrilegious side? Just saying.

47. For all you well dressed Kiss fans out there, these dolls are dressed to kill.

Of course, I’m sure these guys aren’t going to rock n’ roll all night or party every day in these designer outfits. Still, I’d love to see how people would react if they attended a fancy dress party in full concert make up. Perhaps it would be like, “Kiss: Live with the New York Philharmonic.”

48. Explore the meaning of Buddhism and free Tibet with this action figure of the Dalai Lama.

Comes with an A-12 automatic and silencer as well as a self-aiming fire-and-forget laser pistol. What? Okay, now I know Jesus is already ascended into Heaven by now, yet there is still a Dalai Lama around who’s exiled in India. And no, he isn’t known in Buddhism as a “God of a Thousand Arms.” Not to mention, he doesn’t even believe in violence. Still, kind of feel tempted to send him one of these.

49. Recreate your favorite moments from the retro TV show, The Love Boat.

Okay, these consist of Captain Stubing, Vicki, Julie, Gopher, Isaac, and Doc Bricker. Yeah, and they even have a toy ship sold separately that you can put these figures in. Sure it ran for 8 seasons and was very popular. But still, I don’t think a play set tie in would do any favors for the sponsors, especially during the 1980s.

50. Try to get out of being drafted in the Army at the M*A*S*H 4077th with an action figure depicting Corporal Klinger in drag.

Wardrobe not included. Yes, guys, they made an toy of Klinger in drag. Still, it’s actually the most popular toy from the series and goes for a pretty penny on eBay. Yet, imagine getting a toy depicting a guy in pink bloomers and a flower in his hair for your nephew. Yeah, that would be quite traumatic for some parents.

51. Mexican children need not fear, Mexi-Action El Supermano action figure is here.

Comes with his own sombrero. Nevertheless, I have to admit, Superman sure can pull off that Latin lover look from south of the border. Still, I think Mexican kids would rather have a regular Superman action figure than this one. Not to mention, “hombre” is the correct term for “man” in Spanish.

52. Encourage harmful body practices to boys with these Muscle Beach Boys action figures. This one is “Dumbell Dwayne.”

Now really, bodybuilding is just a really terrible thing for any boy to get into. Seriously a lot of those guys take performance enhancing drugs to get in that shape and have an ego spanning a mile wide. Not to mention, they tend to be very aggressive.. Still, Dwayne is what people like my sister call, a "lunk."

Comes with his own weights. Now really, bodybuilding is just a really terrible thing for any boy to get into. Seriously a lot of those guys take performance enhancing drugs to get in that shape and have an ego spanning a mile wide. Not to mention, they tend to be very aggressive.. Still, Dwayne is what people like my sister call, a “lunk.”

53. Celebrate the Christmas season with these action figures from A Christmas Story.

Now this set includes: Ralphie with his Rough Rider BB gun, the Old Man with his Leg Lamp, Flick with his tongue sticking to flag pole, Mom, and Randy. They also have Scut Farkas and Ralphie in a pink bunny suit for those interested.

54. Make your OCD a blast with this Obsessive Compulsive Man.

Includes a surgical mask and a sanitary, hypo-allergenic, moist towlette. Of course, it’s said to inspire you to keep clean by any means necessary. And on the back, there’s a card on “A Day in the Life of an OC Action Figure.” Nevertheless, I’m not sure if this designer really understood OCD or just did his research by watching Monk.

55. For those who wish to relive the glory days of the 2008 election, here’s your very own Sarah Palin action figure.

Now I’m no fan of Sarah Palin at all. I think she’s just scary demagogue of the Radical Right of the Republican Party. Yet, I think Top Tenz can say it best: “The grimace on her face is just creepy, for lack of a better word. It just screams, “You betcha!” There’s no way I’d put this thing in my house. For all those men who find Sarah to be sexy, well…this action figure does her no justice. I guess the short skirts, low-cut shirts, and bare mid-drifts do something, but man, that face, that face.”

56. Show your kid the glory of God the Father Almighty with this bad ass God action figure.

Comes with Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle and hallowed cloak of invulnerability, what? First off, though I believe in God as a Catholic, this action figure certainly doesn’t reflect any of my religious beliefs. Like myself, I believe God has no desire for an AK-47, has no want of an AK-47, and has no need of an AK-47. Besides, He’s basically invulnerable, all-powerful, and ever-living so why he’s equipped with an invulnerable cloak and AK-47 is just plain ridiculous.

57. Go on your own Grail quest with this action figure of Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Comes with his own staff and accessories. Magic powers not available. However, please keep him away from fluffy white rabbits and heed the words when he says, “Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it… and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie *strewn* about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth…”

58. Venture Camelot and seek the Holy Grail with these action figures of King Arthur and his knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Now this consists of Arthur, King of the Britons, Sir Bedevere the Wise and Flatulent, Sir Lancelot the Homicidally Brave, Sir Galahad the Not-So-Pure, and Sir Robin the Not-So-Brave as Sir Lancelot. Each come with their own weapons. Coconut banging squires sold separately. Horses. scales, duck, and minstrels not included.

59. See what it takes to be a real mom with this Super Mom action figure.

Comes with baby, cell phone, purse, groceries, high heels, sneakers, curler and regular heads, and a long to do list. Absentee workaholic dad, older children, and Xanax not included.

60. Seek the ultimate Nirvana enlightenment with this kick ass Buddha action figure.

Comes with fighting staff Magnum 66 Automatic and invincible holy orange cape. Seriously, wasn’t the Buddha known for peace and seeking enlightenment? So why the hell does he have an automatic weapon on him? Looks like Christianity isn’t the only religion badly portrayed in action figures.

61. Go on all kinds of early American adventures with this Benjamin Franklin action figure.

Comes with kite. Printing press, newspaper, Poor Richard’s Almanac, inventions, and French whores not included. From Amazon: “Benjamin Franklin did a lot more than fly a kite on his way to becoming one of the most intelligent men in history. At various times throughout his life he was a writer, diplomat, businessman, musician, inventor, scientist, politician, humorist, printer, postmaster, philosopher, and statesman. His many accomplishments include inventing swimming fins and bifocals, establishing the University of Pennsylvania, publishing the Poor Richard’s Almanac and signing the Declaration of Independence as a founding father of the United States.”

62. All the world’s a stage with an action figure of William Shakespeare.

Comes with a quill and book of his compiled plays. Globe Theater and all-male acting troupe not included. If you’re a girl, he may not think you’re man enough to play Juliet since women weren’t allowed on the English stage until King Charles II. Available in a ye Olde Elizabethan store near you.

63. Serve up your diner customers with this waitress action figure.

Comes with a serving tray, 2 dishes, tipping chart, explanation of tipping, and list of pet peeves. Hates being shortchanged, sexually harassed, long hours, and her job. Available until she gets a better job that she doesn’t have to work at this God forsaken place.

64. Have a cold one in the Great White North with these Bob and Doug McKenzie action figures.

Both Bob and Doug come with their own chairs as well as cases and bottles of beer. Bob comes with cooler and donuts while Doug comes with camp stove and burgers. Great White North set sold separately.

Both Bob and Doug come with their own chairs as well as cases, cans, and bottles of beer. Bob comes with cooler and donuts while Doug comes with camp stove and burgers. Great White North set sold separately. Talk about accessories inappropriate for children under 21.

65. Discover the joys of chemistry in the illicit methamphetamine underworld of Albuquerque, New Mexico, with these Walter White and Jesse Pinkman action figures from Breaking Bad.

Walt and Jesse each come with gas masks and other accessories depending on season. Meth lab play set might be sold separately. Still, despite being toys, such play sets are made for adults. Nevertheless, some people would want this anyway.

66. Experience the height of the medieval papacy with this formidable Pope Innocent III action figure.

Comes with an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, the power of excommunication, and a removable Pope hat. Sure he wasn’t entirely innocent yet he’ll make all your other action figures line up for confession. Still, you have to admit, he was instrumental in banning clergy from participating in trial by ordeal in 1215 which would eventually help discontinue its use. So Innocent III wasn’t all bad to some extent (this by the standards of medieval pontiffs). Hey, at least he’s not equipped with a Walther PPK handgun!

67. Conquer the Eastern Mediterranean, the Middle East, and parts of South Asia with this Alexander the Great.

Comes with sword, shield, and helmet. Of course, by the time he was 25, he had a resume that included him being King of Macedonia, Pharaoh of Egypt and Great King of Persia. Not to mention, founding a world changing empire that would spread Greek culture further than it’s ever had before. Has a tendency to name cities after himself, engage in large scale battles, being sexually ambiguous while being married to 2-3 different women at the same time, and dying in Babylon at 32.

68. Explore the Theory of Relativity with this action figure of Albert Einstein.

Comes with wild hair like you’d find on a fuzzy troll doll. Available in Germany until the 1930s when his Jewishness forced him to flee to the US where he spent the rest of his life teaching at Princeton. Supports Zionist causes and chases skirts.

69. Experience the original Star Wars Trilogy once more with these action figures of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

Basically, I hear that most toy critics declared these the Star Wars action figures most likely to traumatize children. Seriously, Luke’s aunt and uncle are literally burnt to a crisp here. And once outside the packaging, you can’t really tell the two apart.

70. Have fun at the circus with this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Crazy Clown Mike.

Comes with balloons and stilt legs. Includes a painted face that is bound to give your children nightmares and send them to a lifetime of therapy. Seriously the TNMT toy designers must’ve been high on something.

71. Experience the most famous teen vampire romance ever with these action figures for Edward and Bella.

Believe me, these action figures are basically full of as much chemistry, passion, facial expressions, and acting ability that is contained in the whole Twilight series altogether. Just ask my sister.

72. Save Gotham City as Slalom Racer Batman on rocket skis.

Uh, Batman, Wiley E. Coyote called. He needs his gear back so he could, well, you know chase the ever elusive Roadrunner. Yeah, I know it will blow up in his face, but Wiley never really listened to reason to begin with. From The Dingleberry: “Batman on bright orange skis and has a matching batsuit that is made to blend in with the snow. If he was trying to blend in with the snow, bright orange skis and poles would completely defeat the purpose. He also apparently is wearing a jetpack. This doesn’t even make sense. If you had a jetpack you wouldn’t need skis, plus the heat from the pack would melt the snow.” Couldn’t say it better myself. Yeah, really terrible winter superhero gear.

73. Soar the skies saving Gotham at night with this Night Glider Batman.

From Topless Robot: “It’s logical enough that Batman would have some sort of flying apparatus, especially one for use at night, but it seems slightly counter intuitive to have that “night glider” be a day glow orange. He looks like a flying traffic cone, and the only people scared of those are driving students.” Yeah, I think Topless Robot certainly hit the nail on the head with that one.

74. Watch out, He-Man, or fall prey to the suffocating odors of Stinkor.

You have to love how the 1980s seemed to think up ideas for cartoon villains. Nevertheless, I don’t think I could say anything better about this toy better than the guy from The Dingleberry: ” The worst thing about this toy was the fact that it stunk. It actually was made to smell like a skunk, it stunk so bad that it made all the toys that I put in the box with it smell like it. It was a little too realistic for my tastes. I also liked how his plastic tank top is covering his nose like he can’t even stand his own smell. He also comes with a handgun and a shield, that is a totally nonsensical combination.” Just think of having to deal with it after it gets hit by a car.

75. Spew the virulent Fox News style venom with your very own androgynous Ann Coulter action figure that makes feminists want to apologize to Barbie.

God, I can’t stand this woman! Seriously, she’s just such a vicious and hate spewing shrill that I can’t understand why she’s so popular enough to have her own Barbie Doll. By the way, I think I owe Barbie an apology. At least she doesn’t spend her time on Fox News hating liberals and any other group that’s not WASP.

76. Travel to the 1980s with your very own action figure from Devo.

Yes, while many bands have action figures of all their members sold separately, Devo just has one body that uses the same heads of all its members. Comes with a whip and funny hat. Seriously, such pack arrangements are pretty crazy.

77. Take down Osama Bin Laden with your very own Seal Team 6 Obama action figure.

Armed with his very own machine gun and dressed up like The Punisher with an intimidating, Seal Team 6 Obama will stop at nothing to rid the world of Osama Bin Laden even if it means mowing down uncooperative Congressional Republicans. Still, I put Obama on here just to balance Palin and Coulter out. Also, the standard Obama came with too many accessories.

78. Look out, He-Man, here comes the Moss Man.

Comes with his own club and speedo. And yes, he’s supposed to be a bacteria grabbing walking carpet as if he was a lovechild between the Incredible Hulk and the Grinch. Also said to have “a real pine scent.” Creepy.

79. Travel on this self-propelled bed with Eglantine Price from Disney’s Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

It’s hard to believe that this doll is supposed to be based on the Angela Lansbury character from that 1972 movie. Bed runs on batteries. Still, kind of shows that even the folks at Disney were tripping on the brown acid a little too much. Nevertheless, I’d love to see the action figure they have for Eleanor Iselin from the Manchurian Candidate.

80. If you liked Transformers as a kid, then I’m sure you’d love your very own Titanic-Bot.

I have no idea why anyone would design this. Seriously, not only does it denigrate a terrible 1912 tragedy made into a Leonardo DiCaprio movie, but it kind of gives kids a false idea of history. I mean would anyone want 9/11 be diverted into a giant robot? How about the Hindenburg? Besides, this screams Dollar Store knock off. Yet I know that Michael Bay would definitely make a movie with Titanic-Bot if he could get away with it.

Impressions and Imitations at the House of Wax

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 29, 2015

The art of wax sculpture has existed longer than we care to know. With roots in European royal funeral practices in the Middle Ages, people have been trying to capture the likenesses of any famous person in a waxwork and place it in a wax museum for the public to see. I know this is an odd tradition but it’s been around since the 1700s from Dr. Philip Curtius’s ‘Moving Wax Works of the Royal Court of England’ that featured 140 life sized wax figures of court notables to Madame Tussaud’s which you can find almost anywhere in the world. Of course, most of these would be life sized, wear real clothes, and sometimes have real hair. Still, there are many normal museums that do use wax figures such as the Heinz History Center in Pittsburgh and others. And some wax museums have a chamber of horrors where some of the most gruesome stuff are displayed such as wax medical models or a surgery conducted during the American Civil War or earlier. Not to mention, there was even a movie called House of Wax in which Vincent Price owns a wax museum before going completely crazy after it burns to the ground. Nevertheless, I can go on and on about the great wax works in these museums but I know you probably wouldn’t want to see that. So instead I’ll show you some of the less impressive wax works that fail to capture the true spirit of the person they’re based on. Thus, for your pleasure here are some wax figures to laugh at to your heart’s content.

1. Harry Potter

He may belong in Griffyndor but he seems more appropriate for Slytherin to me. Seriously, Daniel Radcliffe didn’t seem to have a personality disorder when I saw him in the first Harry Potter movie. And I was 11 years old at the time.

2. Pope Benedict XVI

Well, the former Pope was creepy enough in real life. Seems less like a “Repent and Accept Jesus Christ as Your Savior” than “I’ve come here to eat your brains.” Yes, that’s Benedict XVI as a zombie. Seriously, I’ve never seen a pontiff that looked so terrifying.

3. John Wayne from True Grit

Now I have a passion hatred for John Wayne who's one of my least favorite actors and think he should've never won an Oscar for any of his movies. However, unlike his movie portrayals, this John Wayne actually looks quite intimidating as Rooster Cogburn striking fear in the hearts of fugitives as a spirit back from the dead.

Now I have a passionate hatred for John Wayne who’s one of my least favorite actors and think he should’ve never won an Oscar for any of his movies. However, unlike his movie portrayals, this John Wayne actually looks quite intimidating as Rooster Cogburn striking fear in the hearts of fugitives as a spirit back from the dead.

4. Ronald Reagan

Sure as a liberal I’m not a big fan of Reagan at all. However, even so, I don’t think this wax work seems to capture his warm personality that got a lot of idiots to vote for him. Seriously, he seems like he’s had a few face lifts and a spray tan.

5. Ray Charles

Well, I sure hope Georgia is not on his mind. I mean that does so not look like Ray Charles and I hope he just hit the road and don’t he go back no more, no more, no more, no more. Seriously, he scares me.

6. Cameron Diaz

If Cameron Diaz looked like that in real life I’d be very concerned by how she’s aging so rapidly or whether she’s had some plastic surgery disaster. Seriously, she looks so soulless in this wax incarnation.

7. Napoleon Bonaparte

I don’t know about you but I think he doesn’t seem very comfortable sitting in his chair. Seems like he has hemorrhoids. Oh, wait a minute he actually did at Waterloo, really. That’s why he couldn’t get on his horse and see the battle. Of course, this leads to surrender and exile on Saint Helena.

8. Tom Hanks

This is supposed to be him from Castaway. Looks more like a young Russell Crowe after a drunken bar fight. Seriously, how in the hell can it be Tom Hanks?

9. Don Knotts

Seems like Barney Fife didn’t age too well after serving as Sheriff Andy Taylor’s deputy. Also, what’s with that horrendous outfit?

10. Charlie’s Angels

Of course, I had no idea that Cameron Diaz was suffering from demon possession until I see her soulless and terrifying face. Guess she could afford the best exorcist money can buy.

11. Leonardo DiCaprio

Okay, I remember how he managed to capture women’s hearts in Titanic. Yet, looking at this waxwork I have no idea what so many teenage girls from the 1990s saw in him. However, he seems like he’d make a great villain in a horror movie.

12. Robert Pattinson

More like Edward Norton after botox injections than anything else. Seriously, if Robert Pattinson looks like that in 10 years then I question his lifestyle choices.

13. John F. Kennedy

As not what your country can do for you--ask this wax museum why the 35th president of the United States looks like he's spent too much time in a tanning salon and why his hair looks so unnatural.

And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you–ask this wax museum why the 35th president of the United States looks like he’s spent too much time in a tanning salon and why his hair looks so unnatural.

14. John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Despite the bed in protest honeymoon, looks like John and Yoko are already experiencing problems in their relationship. Doesn’t seem like they’re giving peace a chance here. Yoko seems especially angry and giving John the silent treatment.

15. John Lennon

Let’s see unnatural hair color and tan. No wonder John is wearing sunglasses here. Hate to see what his eyes look like under there.

16. Princess Diana of Wales

I don’t know about you but I think this wax statue makes it seem that Princess Diana was a real stuck up bitch during her lifetime. I mean she has such an ugly scowl on her face as if her secretary won’t take her coat off and put it on the mud puddle so she can walk over it without damaging her Prada shoes.

17. Pope John Paul II

Seems like the Roman sunshine doesn’t do any wonders for the already leathery skin on this Polish pontiff. Also, he kind of seems pretty terrifying to me.

18. Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards

Or as I call it, “a really bad rendition of Walter White from Breaking Bad or as if Martin Mull had played him in the 1980s.” I don’t know who the hell this guy is but whoever he is, he sure seems creepy.

19. Ian Botham

Man, David Bowie looks very atrocious in that ascot and V-neck sweater with a shirt collar sticking out. Also seems to be aging really badly and I really think he should lose the mustache. Seriously, his years after Labyrinth haven’t been very good for him.

20. Noel Edmonds

Guess this is an idea of what Mark Ruffalo will soon look like give or take 20 or 30 years. Yeah, doesn’t seem to have any prospects of aging gracefully according to this wax work.

21. Elvis Presley

Perhaps this is what happens to you after you’ve spent too much time taking drugs, lounging in the Las Vegas sunshine, and eating too many peanut butter and banana sandwiches. No wonder this guy was found dead in his bathroom.

22. Jedward

Or as I call it, Whoville’s version of One Direction. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind the Grinch robbing them of their presents around Christmastime for these guys are just plain creepy and probably a real pain in the ass.

23. Benito Mussolini

Hey, I didn’t know that US Speaker of the House John Boehner was a huge fan of Il Duce. Sure doesn’t look too happy as usual but perhaps he might need to explain the Italian Fascist uniform.

24. David Hasselhoff

Man, he must’ve spent way too much time being a lifeguard on Baywatch. Seriously, he bears a closer resemblance to Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy than anyone else in this due to skin color alone.

25. Donald Trump

Now this seems to resemble comedian Louis Anderson after losing a lot of weight than Donald Trump. Nevertheless, this does retain Trump’s iconically bad hairstyle which seems quite tame in this. Still, I really hate Donald Trump just for being an obnoxious jerk and having an enormous ego. You can see why he’s been through 3 wives who only wanted him for his money.

26. Jimmy Carter

And I thought the Reagan and Kennedy wax figures were bad. This one seems to bear no resemblance to the former president who is now in his 90s and looks a hell of a lot better than this idiot who seems to have a few brain cells missing.

27. Tom Cruise

I can imagine a little kid look up at this in its museum and say, "Mommy, why is Steve Jobs flying and not holding an Ipod and why is he so small?"

I can imagine a little kid looking up at this in its museum and say, “Mommy, why is Steve Jobs flying and not holding an Ipod? And why is he short?”

28. Daley Thompson

Probably an obscure Sacha Baron Cohen character who offended the people of India so much that he couldn’t do a movie around him or use him on Da Ali G Show.

29. Michael Barrymore

For God’s sake, what’s the hell with this guy’s humongous head? Seriously, I’ve never seen anyone with a forehead that high. Not to mention, that smile is terrifying.

30. Gazza

Hey, I didn’t know they had a wax rendition of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. They even nailed his plastic surgery disaster, well, somewhat.

31. Seinfeld

By looking at these terrifying waxworks of Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer, I dread seeing the one depicting George Costanza. That one must be the most horrifying of them all.

32. Sean Connery

Seems like Miami and LA don’t really help Sean Connery’s skin too much do they? Of course, he’d claim, “That’s not what your mother said.” Also that tuxedo is hideous.

33. Cliff Richard

Looks like Bill Clinton’s Attorney General Janet Reno on a bad hair day to me. Seriously, there’s no way that’s a man for what I see.

34. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge

Seems like it’s Prince William as if he’s a lame but very aristocratic vampire who wants to say “Cherrio, old chum,” before he proceeds to suck the life out of you.

35. Adolf Hitler

Seems like Der Furher doesn’t really like spending his weekends on the beach doesn’t he. Guess he kept forgetting to put on his sunblock and kept getting his face burned.

36. Titanic

This waxwork makes the movie’s iconic scene less romantic and much more terrifying. Seriously, Leonardo DiCaprio seems to resemble a psychokiller about to push Kate Winslet off the ship.

37. Lucille Ball

Whatever is in that bottle, I really don’t want to drink it. I suspect this might be poison according the terrifying look on Lucy’s face. Seriously, she looks so creepy in this waxwork.

38. The Beatles

Now I like the Beatles. Yet, these guys bear almost no resemblance to the real thing. In fact, I think these guys basically resemble lifeless zombies after your brains while singing. “All you need is brains,/All you need is brains,/All you need is brains, brains, brains are all you need.”

39. Jennifer Lopez

I don’t know about the butt but her face kind of reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games. Yet, smaller and with a really bad makeup job.

40. Justin Bieber

Somehow I can’t help looking at this and see how it resembles my cousin at Penn State, which is really insulting to my cousin who really doesn’t like Justin Bieber, doesn’t have light brown hair, and doesn’t even dress like that.

41. Austin Powers

Looks as if he’s a pervy guy on some kind of 1960s hallucinogenic drugs. Surely not groovy in the least, baby. Makes the fembots seem tame by comparison.

42. Eddie Murphy

Seems less like the comedian who appeared in family films and more like the guy appearing on SNL who wrote a poem on killing his landlord.

43. Meryl Streep

Man, I didn’t know she was nominated for an Oscar for Death Becomes her. I didn’t know that kind of film would even get Academy Award nominations. Not to mention, the hair straightener doesn’t do any favors for her.

44. Lady Gaga

I don’t know if Lady Gaga was Born This Way, but this wax figure doesn’t depict her as aging gracefully, especially since she’s actually only a few years older than I am. Seriously, she doesn’t look 28.

45. Mel Gibson

Okay, now this one makes Mel seem like a really crazed psychokiller on the run to satisfy a hunger for human flesh. Seriously, this one seems to scare me for some reason. And it’s not because he directed Braveheart or The Passion of the Christ.

46. Michelle Obama

Now if the First Lady of the United States looks like this in her wax rendition, either the designer doesn’t like her or she’s really not aging gracefully. Seriously, this incarnation seems rather terrifying to me.

47. Fred Rogers

I know this is from the John Heinz III Historical Center during its American History display. Nevertheless, looking at his waxy soulless face, I’d sure wouldn’t want to be his neighbor.

48. Ronald Reagan

Yes, old President Ronnie seems to have two really creepy waxworks in his image. This seems like it comes straight out of shining. Now please, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall or else Mr. Reagan will come over to your house and murder you and your family in a bloodbath only comparable to a slasher horror movie.

49. Fatal Attraction

Michael Douglas should be utterly terrified in this scene. Instead, he just seems a little perturbed as if she flushed the toilet while he was taking a shower. Not the kind of face you’d have if a woman you had a fling with killed your daughter’s pet bunny.

50. Rihanna

Seems like Rihanna is in her German barmaid outfit to celebrate Oktoberfest. Nevertheless, I just hope Chris Brown doesn’t turn out at this location if she has a restraining order against him (like she should.)

51. Queen Elizabeth II

Seems that Her Royal Majesty has had some trouble with her hair stylist lately. Not to mention her make up artist doesn’t seem to do her job too well either. Must be going through a Barbara Striesand phase.

52. Luciano Pavarotti

Seems less in the mood for singing opera and more in the mood of eating something crunchy like bones. Still, this is actually kind of terrifying if you ask me.

53. Anne Frank

Of course, I’m sure being subjected to hiding in your dad’s office building during the Holocaust could age you a few years. However, Anne Frank died at 15 and certainly didn’t have the skin composition of someone who’s over 30.

54. Liza Minnelli

From looking at this wax rendition of Liza Minnelli, those unfamiliar with Cabaret may think that she was a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seriously, she seems like she wants to kill you after she’s completed her dance routine.

55. Leonardo DaVinci’s Last Supper

Looks like all the apostles seem to peering at some weird mole on either Jesus’s neck or hands while the Roman soldiers are in the back waiting for them to leave. That one on the far left seems as if he wants to go to the bathroom to wash his hands for some reason.

56. Audrey Hepburn

By the look at those sullen big brown eyes, you’d think Holly Golightly might have murder on the mind for George Peppard. Seriously, this wax figure seems to make Audrey Hepburn seem miscast for Breakfast at Tiffany’s on account of being too sinister.

57. Mr. Bean

I wonder if those unfamiliar with Mr. Bean would look at this wax figure and assume he was in the same league with Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. Perhaps they’d be relieved he’s actually a Rowan Atkinson character who acts like a complete idiot.

58. Tiger Woods

Seems like Tiger’s debacles with his extramarital peccadilloes and divorce proceedings have really aged him as well has hurt his golf game. Seriously, Tiger’s not an old decrepit man yet, folks.

59. Margaret Thatcher

I don’t know about you but it seems that the Iron Lady has developed some sort of terrible skin problem on her face. Also, it’s probably fair to say that she’s had some disastrous plastic surgery as well.

60. Ellen Degeneres

Now I know that Ellen is a comedian and talk show host who’s not supposed to scare me. However, this rendition makes me want to look the hell away from her soulless eyes and her evil smile.

61. The Wizard of Oz

Well, to be fair, The Wizard of Oz has managed to traumatize a lot of kids even without the dark lighting. Nevertheless, I don’t suspect that Dorothy just wants to go home. And I wouldn’t want to be around the Scarecrow or Tinman either.

62. Hugh Jackman

Now you’d think any wax museum could have an impression of Hugh Jackman would be wise to depict him as Wolverine from X-Men. However, this one seems like it depicts an evil Dr. Who in BDSM attire.

63. Michael Jackson

Yes, his majesty the King of Pop during the 1980s does carry a rather sinister demeanor. Of course, I wonder how many people my age could ever imagine that he’s supposed to be Michael Jackson. I’d rather hang out with the zombies from the “Thriller” video than this guy.

64. Rowan Atkinson

Okay, this wax figures in now way, shape, or form resembles Mr. Bean. Seriously, it’s as if this artist had no idea who this guy is or even saw his picture. I mean, we all know that Rowan Atkinson doesn’t at all look like that in real life. Never has.

65. Joan Collins

I know she’s a famous prime time soap star from the 1970s and 1980s Dynasty. However, that make up job makes her seem like she’s either Spock’s sister or related to Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

66. Michael Jordan

How in the hell does this look like Michael Jordan? Seriously, he looked about the same in 1990s as he does now, facial wise. That, my friend, is a basketball playing zombie who just has the same complexion.

67. Richard Nixon

Man, this waxwork of Richard M. Nixon makes him seem like he's a ventriloquist dummy or some creepy character from The Muppet Show. Seriously, that jowl and those eyes are utterly creepy.

Man, this waxwork of Tricky Dick makes him seem like he’s a ventriloquist dummy or some creepy character from The Muppet Show. Seriously, that jowl and those eyes are utterly creepy.

68. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Seems they got the chiseled chest proportions right. However, this basically bears practically no resemblance to Ahnold from Conan the Barbarian. Not to mention, he seems to spend too much time in the sun which is taking a toll on his delicate skin.

69. Jimmy Carter

Good News: Actually looks better than the last Jimmy Carter waxwork I posted on here.
Bad News: Seems to have a real great need for an exorcism. Seriously, he really looks evil.

70. Star Trek

While Spock seems okayish, the once of Kirk and McCoy just seem to be among the men you’d see on Cracked.com’s “Guys That Look Like Old Lesbians” article. Seriously, Kirk’s hair is just too long while McCoy seems like he’s been using way too much of “the Botox.”

71. Jay Leno

Since his retirement (for good) from The Tonight Show, it seems like Jay Leno has had a face lift that has basically stretched his face in a way many people find so unrecognizable. Seriously, his wax figure looks so atrocious.

72. Snoop Dogg

You’d think Snoop would be taking better care of himself now that he has millions of dollars. Yet, this waxwork makes him seem like he’s emaciated for some tasty human flesh. I mean, that face sure don’t look right at all.

73. Will Smith

Okay, this waxwork looks less like a big box office star, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and happily married man and father of 3. And more like the kind of guy who’s either a bouncer at some crime syndicate owned bar from The Wire or the kind of man a lot of white people wouldn’t entrust with their car keys or wallets.

74. Clint Eastwood

Now I’m sure he’s certainly angry. Still, though this is supposed to be Clint from Unforgiven, I don’t think this waxwork resembles him. Yet, the “Get Off My Lawn” message is clear.

75. Johnny Cash

Jesus Christ, I thought Johnny was supposed to turn his life around in the1960s. Seriously, an orange spray tan and unkempt hair seem to suggest otherwise.

76. Marilyn Monroe

No, kids, Marilyn Monroe wasn't a famous actress whose claim to fame was playing sexy vampires. That would be Robert Pattinson. Totally different person.

No, kids, Marilyn Monroe wasn’t a famous actress whose claim to fame was playing sexy blood sucking vampires. That would be Robert Pattinson. Totally different person.

77. Humphrey Bogart

Okay seems like Bogart needs to get off the booze and cigarettes looking like this. Also, I’d stay away from the tanning salons just for good measure. Still, here’s not looking at you, kid.

78. Abraham Lincoln

With his orange spray tan and his sinister gray eyes, it seems that the Great Emancipator has a score to settle. Seriously, this is basically the most evil Lincoln I’ve ever seen and his waxworks are usually not that bad.

79. Sir Elton John

I know he’s supposed to be singing something and I really don’t want to know. Not to mention, the closed eyes and the coke bottle glasses make him seem even more terrifying with his mouth hanging out.

80. Hank Williams Sr.

Looks like the late country music legend Hank Williams is back from the dead as a Satanic puppet that sings his country ballads and has people sell him their souls. Seriously, this wax rendition is just creepy as hell.

Happy Valentine’s Day with These Vintage Ads of Yesterday

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 22, 2015

To be honest, I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s because it’s a holiday centered around romance while I haven’t experienced much of it since most of the guys I had things for didn’t like me back or just have a funny way of showing it that I didn’t quite get which sometimes sent me to suspect the worst (you know who you are). Then again, contrary to what 30 Rock says Saint Valentine’s Day isn’t a Catholic holy day since we’re not sure whether the martyred bishop of love was a real person (not to mention that most Catholic Masses don’t last beyond 45 minutes). Still, with the exception of getting chocolate candy from my parents and flowers, I can basically take or leave it. Still, since sweethearts tend to exchange gifts such as jewelry, flowers, candy, lingerie, or stuffed animals. So there are plenty of opportunities for businesses to advertise their products. Now I can go crazy about the cute vintage Valentine’s ads like the couple sharing the Coke one above. Yet, I realized that would be more taste like diabetes and vomit inducing than the sweetness Valentine’s Day is associated with. Instead, I’ll show ads that don’t make Valentine’s Day such a lovely mid winter holiday for the greatest gift businesses can receive: cold hard cash. So without further adieu, here are some terrible Valentine’s Day ads from your grandparents’ generation.

1. This Valentine’s Day, fellas, give your girlfriend the gift you’ll need to transport with your pick up truck that’ll break your bank.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman’s dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas or her birthday.

2. Ladies, nothing says Valentine’s Day for your gentleman like a new silk necktie.

Now this is the kind of guy’s gift that says: “I didn’t know what else to give you. But I know you’re a guy and needed to give you something. So here’s what I got you for $60.”

3. This Valentine’s Day cake gives you a way to get in a man’s heart through his stomach.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she’s anticipating for the poison to take effect any minute now.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than Rheingold Extra Dry Beer.

Now I’m sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine’s Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I’m not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

5. Give your loved one a gift they’d be grateful to have this Valentine’s Day, a pre-mortem funeral arrangements.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives’ funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine’s Day. And when it comes to Valentine’s Day guys have it easy since it’s a girly holiday to begin with.

6. Give your sweetheart Hinds Honey and Almond Cream for this Valentine’s Day as these girls make a lacy Valentine’s Day card for their mother it seems.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

7. Schrafft’s Chocolates are the candies that lead to a girl’s, uh, I’d like to say heart.

From how the guy’s hands are position, it seems like he’s about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they’re about to get their nasty on to me.

8. Give your sweetheart the Valentine’s Day gift they’ll appreciate, tires.

Uh, aren’t these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I’m sure they aren’t anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I’m sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness. Still, I’d be a bit concerned if I were their parents.

9. Send a valentine to those you love with a card from American Greetings.

I don’t know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn’t make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

10. Guys, when it comes to being the perfect valentine, make sure you’re the Kreml guy on the lower right.

From PopSugar: “The description for “Slicker” seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester’s Will burn-book: ‘Your dome’s so slick we don’t know whether that’s human hair or patent leather.'” Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you’d see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he’s a creepy stalker of some woman’s nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he’s put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

11. Give her a valentine that would put stars in her eyes and music in her heart.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who’d do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

12. Oh, he remembered Valentine’s Day! And he sent me Whtiman’s chocolate.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor’s man remembered Valentine’s Day, doesn’t really guarantee she’s going to stay with him. I mean she’s known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men (twice to Richard Burton and one to a guy she met in rehab in the 1990s). Those 7 divorces don’t come cheap.

13. For those in long distance relationships, send them a Valentine’s Day telegram from Western Union.

From PopSugar: “Ending a Valentine’s Day telegram with “guess who” sounds a teensy bit stalkerish.” Yeah, I’d think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

14. You’re never too young to give or receive Faroh’s finest chocolates!

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn’t cute, it’s disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

15. Aim for the best with Chesterfield cigarettes.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart’s heart. But they’ll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

16. Rheingold Extra Dry Beer: The perfect gift for your man this Valentine’s Day.

“Drink up, honey buns, for I’ve prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don’t feel like driving tonight? Don’t forget, that you can’t be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states, sweetie.”

17. For your son this Valentine’s Day, why don’t you pack him a sandwich for school with Mor: a thrifty meat.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she’s very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn’t good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it’s disgusting.

18. Please your valentine with these Manhattani peppermint pajamas.

From Popsugar: “My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine’s Day because after all that chocolate you’re gonna want something loose.” Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

19. Nothing says sex and romance on Valentine’s Day like V-Day pajamas for the whole family!

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine’s Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I’m sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine’s Day. Of course, he’ll probably never wear them again after this picture.

20. Give her the gift of chocolate with Whitman’s candy sampler.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

21. Heads, you win! Seriously, what does that mean?

Oh, I see. Guys, I don’t think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave. Yes, they’re literally man eaters and watch out, boys, they’ll chew you up.

22. Nothing satisfies a man this Valentine’s Day than a shirt and tie from Arrow.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine’s Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I’m sure a dress shirt and necktie aren’t gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you’re better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

23. Now what to give a woman? Vacuums or flowers?

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they’ll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won’t be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they’re running.

24. “People all over the world (everybody)/Join hands (join)/Start a love train, love train.”

From PopSugar: “Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you’re pretty much dead.” Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I’m sure that’s not what the O’Jays had in mind when they recorded, “Love Train.”

25. Remember “Remembering Day” and give me chocolate. Or else.

From PopSugar: “If your man doesn’t remember Valentine’s Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he’s either blind or a hermit.” Also, I don’t know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

26. Give the ladies in your life the gift that’ll last a long time: granny panties.

What’s even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you’d find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn’t seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter. Also funny that these are called, “Lollipops Bubble Duds.”

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Jolly Green Giant.

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn’t seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine’s Day for God’s sake? Farmers?

28. Remember, guys, the Whitman master won’t quit at 5 this Valentine’s Day so give your girlfriend chocolate.

Of course, I hope that guy doesn’t work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he’s pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

29. Make this Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with this lovely double decker heart shaped cake.

From PopSugar: “How to feel bloated on Valentine’s Day — so romantic!” Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it’s almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

30.Nestle chocolate: A great way to a woman’s heart.

It seems that this woman doesn’t just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 15, 2015

Last February, I did a post on vintage album covers that have been a great success. So with January being what it is on not having much material and the fact I’ve basically no ideas for an epic post series, I decided to do another edition. Of course, I’ve done subsequent editions on postcards and book covers so why not? Not to mention, I even did an album covers Christmas edition as well. Nevertheless, you can understand the significance of what album covers can do for the albums they promote. We’ll always remember Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album because of it’s picture of a prism forming a rainbow on a beam of light is what makes this piece of rock memorabilia (along with the songs). However, if you’re someone who expects to see the great album covers, then I think you better go somewhere else on the internet like Ebay or Amazon since this post to some of the great album art disasters in music history. Some may be bad due to bad and outdated fashion sense. Some may due to photoshop and weird photo ops. Others simply because the record company didn’t have the budget. There may be a lot of reasons like causing offense. But the reason I post such terrible album covers because many of them tend to be unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a collection of vintage album covers that really haven’t held too well to say the least. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Mike Pacheco: Bongo Date with Mike Pacheco

So let me get this straight. Is it that bongo players only prefer hookers? Or is it that only hookers prefer bongo players? Either way, it kind of seems geared to people who hate Beatniks. Then again, bongo players aren’t really seen as desirable dates.

After a night playing bongos during a poetry session at the local Beatnik bar at Greenwich Village, bongo boy Mike has a smoke near a lamp post before hitting the hay with a pantiless call girl named Giselle. Of course, he’s dead broke by the next morning.

2. Rock n’ Roll Party: Oldies and Goodies

I can’t imagine any teen wanting to be seen with this album. Nor could I see any parent buying it for their kids since it may cause boys to do Riverdance and float as well as girls lose their shoes and have their dresses fly by. Then again, the designer was probably on LSD at the time.

Finally, an album for the teen rock fan given by the relatives who have no idea what rock music is and perhaps gave them the possible 1960s equivalent to a Kidz Bop album. Either that, or an album of rock n’ roll favorites not performed by the original artists. Still, a very corny cover.

3. Adolfo Waltzman and his Hula Hoopers: Hula Hoop!

I don’t know about you but hula hooping with no hands or neck is pretty impressive now that I think about it. And that guy is even using 3 of them.

Finally, an album containing music I can do the hula hoop with. Just what I needed (sarcasm).

4. Ernie Coombs: Mr. Dressup

Now this album is from a Canadian children’s show by the same name that ran from 1967 to 1996. It bears a lot of similarities to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Yet, from the look of Mr. Dressup’s face as he cheerfully saws his wooden plank, I sure don’t want to be in his “Neighborhood of Make-Believe.” Also, the puppets are terrifying.

“Hello, kids, and welcome to my workshop. Don’t mind me working with the saw I could possibly cut you to pieces with. Oh, and by the way, those toys are either soulless or demon possessed. I’m not sure which.”

5. Sin Alley Vol. 1

Also, this album seems to be subjected to the same kind of advertising treatment you’d apply to a strip club, brothel, or sex dungeon. Then again, this might’ve been the designer’s intention. Can’t wait to hear the one about Kermit having an Ultimate Fighting sex orgy with 3 boobed green women from Mars. Bet Miss Piggy’s going to be pissed.

Finally, an album with 18 rockabilly blasters pertaining to everything a young man between the ages of 13 to 30 would love such as sex, lust, fighting, Martians, more sex, and frogs?

6. Saxomaniac: Sax Sounds

“For the last fucking time, if I ever hear that God awful castrated Bebpop and Fusion shit that sound like what I hear when I get a root canal, then I’ll have to jump off a cliff! Oh, the horror! The horror!”

Looks like this woman is a waitress at some kind of high end cocktail lounge. I mean she obviously has heard enough smooth jazz music in a lifetime to drive her utterly screaming with her eardrums bleeding. It’s a real tragic case.

7. Argentina Coral: Cante Gitano

I know that this woman is photographed for the album art to look sexy with the apparent make up job. However, she just reminds me of a stern Italian woman who’s seething with rage after finding out her husband had slept with every other female in town, including her mother and sisters.

“All right, Mr. DeVille, I’m ready for my close up, even if you aren’t you no good son of a bitch.” Please don’t be a wax model of Amy Winehouse as if she would’ve been if she’d just go to rehab already. Sorry about that, Amy Winehouse fans.

8. Saventa Jovanovic: Lazno Je, Lazno, Sve Sto, Je Tvoje

This is from Yugoslavia, where I suppose the women had a different set of what I’d call, “grooming habits,” than in other countries during the 1960s. Of course, this would’ve just come off as just as another piece of tacky 1960s fashion but the Mrs. Bigfoot legs make it all the more memorable.

I’m sure sitting with her legs crossed in a short skirt won’t make it look like she’s like any other Eastern European with bad fashion sense.

9. Tozovac: Jeremija

Now I know many guys think that they’d look more badass being photographed near a humongous military tank. However, fellas, you might want to take note that having a big ass anti-aircraft gun between your legs, might make people think you’re insecure with your masculinity.

I suppose in the Eastern Bloc Era, it meant, “compensating for something” or “stop making fun of my penis.”

10. Don Costa’s Free Loaders: Music to Break a Sub-Lease

Seems like these people were evicted from their apartment while having a party. Looks like their jam party sessions have finally caught up to them that the landlord basically had to kick them out. That, and for not paying the rent of course.

Hey, poor and homeless people need music, too, even this album just play songs you’d hear on the discount rack albums you’d find at the dollar store.

11. The Tattoos: Pops Go Trumpet

Still, what’s with the double bells here. Looks freaky. Also, I wonder if a trumpeter needs to see a doctor if their trumpet’s erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Also, what do you give a trumpet suffering from erectile dysfunction? Or is that none of my business?

Seems like a naked woman would lead to any horny trumpeter sporting an erection both on their instrument and in their pants.

12. Electronic Music

My sister attends VCU as as a commercial art student and would be horrified if she ever saw any crap like this. Seriously, looks as if some cartoon character took a dump on it.

“A new concept of music, created by sonic vibrations” too bad the cover resembles something you’d find in a trash heap at a modern art museum. Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to be? Or do I just not understand the concept of “abstract” here?

13. Jack Fascinato: Music from a Surplus Store

What bugs me about this is that the woman on this album is obviously wealthy since she has a fur stole, something Audrey Hepburn would wear, and a guy to carry stuff she wants to buy. Not somebody I’d see at a surplus store. Then again, perhaps her husband lost a lot of money on Wall Street and is now in prison.

Or as I call it, either music that’s outdated or totally crap or music not available on a CD you can rip onto Windows Media Player. Also, nowadays music you hear from a surplus store isn’t what I’d call “a basketful of new sounds.” That would be iTunes.

14. Jack McDuff: Sophisticated Funk

Of course, it’s obvious that this one was made from 2 elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock. Still, contrary to what you know about the Middle Ages, most of such “medieval” artifact chastity belts turned out as fakes. More likely they were used as a 19th century device to keep boys from jerking off. Now they’re used in BDSM.

Featuring the latest model in chastity belt technology. For those paranoid husbands concerned about your nympho wife’s potential to cheat on you, this model comes with a keypad lock with its own code.

15. Vintage album from South Korea. Can’t read the Asian characters for the artist or title (possibly the soundtrack to Planet of the Apes).

Love to hear Charlton Heston say, “Keep your stinking music off me, you damn, dirty ape!” Still, despite being inordinately hairy, they seem to have impeccable fashion sense, especially the one with the pimp cane.

Strangely, after taking over Earth, the apes seemed to have a thriving music industry with the unfortunate side effect of producing just as crappy albums like their human predecessors from Planet of the Apes.

16. Lowell Mason an the Crusaders: Sing for God and Country

Of course, I know I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to calling dwarfs “midgets” (though my dad’s more an offender) but despite it’s amusing connotation, people with dwarfism don’t like being called this. In fact, they consider “midget” as deeply offensive. Nevertheless, this guy seems to have the same poise as Peter Dinkledge from Game of Thrones.

Finally, a Christian album that celebrates man’s music while calling him by a very offensive term in the dwarfism community.

17. Mariachi Nuevo Tecalitan: Inolvidable El Charro del Misterioso Vol. 5

Another thing that disappointed me was the album featuring a woman holding a yellow rose and not seeing, “La Rosa Amarilla de Tejas” anywhere in the track listing. I mean, that would’ve been a perfect cover image for such a single.

Now this title translates from Spanish as “Unforgettable: The Mysterious Horseman Vol. 5” which is a perfectly good title. However, I know Mexico takes pride in their luchador wrestlers and their costumes, but that guy just seems less of a “mysterious manly man” and more of a “bank robber.” Let’s just say, I’d more likely make a deposit in my pants if I saw him near where I cash in my checks.

18. Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford: Soundtrack to Salt and Pepper: Super Spy Hippy

Hate to say this, but Sammy Davis Jr. looks totally like a gangster in this with his bling, leather jacket, smoking his cigarette, and wielding an AK-47 while Lawford seems asking for cash.

Watch out, Commies, here comes the super spy guy with the glass eye! And his British friend and onetime JFK brother-in-law, Peter Lawford. Must’ve been a movie that sucked. By the way, directed by the same guy who brought you Lethal Weapon.

19. Elsa Popping and her Pixieland Band: Delirium in Hi-Fi

Okay, this family seems to have a guy humping a couch, a dead woman behind a sofa, and a guy on the far left with headphones hooked up to a girl’s ass. Seems to make the Addams family look normal. Not only that, but even the dog has his own pair, but they’re hooked up to the record player. There’s even a cover of this in color with a space ship near Earth.

Yes, what kind of music to listen to on a lazy evening around the record player with the folks?

20. Slim Goodbody: The Inside Story

Before he joined SCTV and SNL where he achieved fame as Ed Grimely, Canadian comedian Martin Short was once a performer in an afro known as “Slim Goodbody” who’d make educational albums for kids on the human body, covering all parts but the reproductive system.

I’ve heard of body suits but this is overdoing. I mean it’s not that it shows too little. It just shows way too much. Comes with, “Special bonus full color activity poster and lyric sheet.” Ugh.

21. Ludwig: Zither Soloist

Of course, when I hear zither music, I think of Joseph Cotten on the streets of war torn Vienna trying to find out what happened to Orson Welles who’s been running a racket administrating diluted penicillin to sick children.

The therapist suggested role-playing, but Norma never understood Larry’s bare assed zither routine, especially in lederhosen.

22. Enoch Light: Spaced Out

I get that sex sells but I don’t see how a tin foil Babarella bikini could be any comfortable to say the least. Seriously, why?

Looks like the album cover has been taking the brown acid at Woodstock for far too long.

23. Various Artists: The Wild Sounds of Satan’s Sadists

Of course, this is a soundtrack from a biker movie from the 1960s which wasn’t Easy Rider an probably wasn’t as good. I’m not sure about the soundtrack though.

Okay, is it just me or do those red bikers guy seem to be peeing on smaller version of themselves?

24. Steve Karmen: Music to the Motion Picture What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?

From the San Diego Reader: “The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady – how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan’s Sadists can say….”

“Now Sally has lent her services to the medical school by exposing herself to the class on today’s lesson on female sexuality and the reproductive system. I expect all of you to be on your best behavior.”

25. Little Richard Miller: Jesus Use Me

Also, plays bass by the way. Still, are they also saying that he drives a tour bus, too? And if so, did he hit a fire hydrant or what? Not to mention, the Jesus picture in the corner just freaks me out.

I don’t know about you, but regardless of how inspirational they make it out to be, I just find the idea of a person playing keyboard with no limbs quite terrifying if you ask me.

26. Lionel Blair: Aerobic Dancing

Okay, well, I’ve seen my mom and sister watch aerobics videos and DVDs since I was a kid and that album cover reflects why I’d just avoid them like the plague whenever I could. Just let me go for a walk or bike ride, thank you very much. Still, Key and Peele did a great parody of the 1980s aerobic fitness craze in one of their sketches.

Nothing makes a typical 1980s aerobics album than a helmet haired guy with a goofy smile, tube socks, and horrendously short shorts many would consider hot pants. Also does aerobic instruction to the E. T. theme song, what the hell?

27. Bell: Do You Ever Get Lonely?

I’m sure this woman gets lonely a lot these days. Hardly anyone seems to understand the art of painting cow skulls for interior decorating. Seriously, what the hell? This is probably a country music album.

Let’s see a big haired 1980s woman in a model pose with a large colorful skull of a horned cow she might’ve slaughtered. Talk about having a twisted craft hobbies. Painting cow skulls is one of the creepiest.

28. The McDonald Sisters: I’ve Got Confidence

Sometimes confidence is a positive attribute. And sometimes it can be seriously misguided as in this case. Seriously, those pink dresses are hideous.

And I sure have confidence that having these girls take their picture in knitted pink dresses was probably not a good idea. I’m sure nobody behind the scenes shared their confidence because the title’s in quotes.

29. Heino: Heino

Okay, I don’t know about you, but I fear for the dogs’ safety if they had an owner like that. Still, since 1966, he’s been one of Germany’s most successful recording artists selling 50 million albums and still going strong. Also been married 3 times. He’s even creepier without his glasses. Still, he must have something since he’s put out a lot of albums with terrible covers.

Oh, creepy German Heino, I can never forget you in a post like this. Now this one shows him as an avid dog lover in his darkened shades with his 3 poodles. What can be more heartwarming than that?

30. Kimya Dawson and Friends: Alphabutt

Of course, this isn’t really a vintage album cover since ti came out in 2007. But I’m going to leave it in anyway since it’s just so freaky and hilarious. I don’t care what’s on the record. Just want to know how this cover was produced.

Nothing makes a great educational album for the kids than one that teaches the alphabet with animals farting the letters. Seems like the rabbit can rip out the most.

31. Ted Cassidy: The Lurch

From San Diego Reader: “I have to admit, I’m dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter “You Rang?” in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his – WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w “Wesley”???” Perhaps he should do an album with Vin Diesel as Groot if he’s still alive. Probably not.

Oh, my God, I didn’t know Lurch had an album. Wonder if it’s just him singing with “You rang?” which is all he said on the show. Seriously, this might be worth hearing.

32. Lena Zavaroni: Ma! He’s Making Eyes at Me

I don’t know about you but it seems that this girl has some sort of demonic glint in her eyes. It’s as if she wants to take a knife and murder the audience once she’s done singing.

As if the title was creepy enough, she’s dressed like Barbie Benton and fellating the mic. Then again, maybe it’s just the lighting done to her stage mother’s designation.

33. Trever Daniels: Time Was

Then again, it’s probably just photoshop. Or that such keyboards are really that big but I highly doubt it since my grandparents used to own an organ like this before getting a synthesizer.

Is it just me or does that guy seem a bit too big to be on the organ?

34. The Scorpions: Moment of Glory

Now if she could have a tiara, it would be perfect. Still, at least the Scorpions have come a long way with cover design once featuring naked pre-adolescent girls and melting human flesh. Still, it’s as laughable as it’s terrible.

Now I could tell that this is a female Tyrannosaurus Rex since she’s all decked out in her regal jewels and finery. Thus, she’s a real Queen of the Tyrants, a Tyrannosaurus Regina if you will.

35. E’ Lei: I Cugini di Campagna

What’s even funnier is that 2 of these guys have afros and all have platform shoes on. Of course, since Italians love dressing in fine clothes, it’s probably no surprise that these polyester suits were made by some designer and didn’t come cheap.

Nothing says Italian disco than guys in silver jumpsuits and multicolored light beams.

36. Eddie Mack: Live at the Open Sandwich Club

Seriously, how could they get away with this in the 1960s? Still, seems that Eddie Mack has that stupid grin on his face as if he’s saying, “fanservice, simply fanservice.” Nevertheless, she’s probably there to give him a lap dance.

I suppose the Open Sandwich Club was a nudie bar as indicated by the naked woman on the piano.

37. Riot: Rock City

Of course, this is consistent with Riot’s environmental message concerning the welfare of baby seals. Be nice to them or else suffer a nuclear holocaust as well as axe murder to those who survive.

All right, I’m starting to get a little uneasy about the baby seal head guy. Seriously, despite his adorable face that makes your heart melt, he seems to show signs of being a psychopath.

38. Sir Adrian Bolt: The Planets

Sure Gustuv Holst was a classical composer. However, this cover just seems like it’s straight out of a bad movie from Syfy instead of something that would inspire people to contemplate the vastness of the solar system and the infinity of the universe. That or something you’d find in Neil Degrasse Tyson’s childhood record collection.

Or what you get when Flesh Gordon and Barbarella pose in a bad Buggles music video. Seriously, this would’ve made Gustuv Holst turn in his grave.

39. Bug Out! Vol. 1

Of course, at least the designer didn’t have a cover featuring a giant spider or ant. Still, I think it’s better that he didn’t feature a mating scene with praying manti. For those who know anything about that, you know what happens after manti sex.

With the giant praying mantis on the cover, how about no way in hell. Seriously, I don’t want to be a 10,000 ft praying mantis lunch.

40. Will Starr: This is Will Star ‘the Daddy of Them All’

And you thought Weird Al made polka albums dressed in very crazy attire? Well, Will Starr seems to surpass him in polka playing tackiness and he probably doesn’t even write novelty songs. Also, looks as if he’ll keep playing polkas with his accordion of death until you drop cold and lifeless on the floor. That or if your ears start bleeding.

Let’s see. Accordion? Check. Kilt? Check. Wearing sandals and socks? Check. Impassioned evil expression on his face? Check.

41. Baby Lu-Lu: Baby Lu-Lu

This is the kind of cover that would make someone want to smash people with a shovel until the state troopers show up to taze them to death. Oh, my God is Baby Lu-Lu supposed to be a dog? That makes me freak out even more.

Nothing makes a wholesome album for families than one featuring a blond haired woman in a red gingham dress and way too much hair spray loving her dogs to death. In the words of Elmira, “I’ll love them and squeeze them and keep them for ever and ever. Mwa ha ha ha ha.”

42. Yellowman: Walking Jewelry Store

Then again, saying he’s a walking jewelry store might be saying a bit much since the bling seems like it could be found in any low price store. Walking outlet maybe. Still, if he wasn’t black, I’d assume he’s spent way too much time in a tanning salon. Also, that hairstyle is horrendous.

I’m sure that album’s title is derived from one of Yellowman’s street names during his days as a gangbanger.

43. Enoch Light and the Light Brigade: The Best Movie Themes 1970

This family must have their own private theater and popcorn machine or something. Either that or they’re at a family friendly nudist camp with it’s own movie theater. I mean people who walk naked in public usually get arrested for indecent exposure even if it’s for jerking off in a porno theater.

Because the family that goes to the movies naked together stays together.

44. Bobby Jimmy and the Critters: Ugly Knuckle Butt

Still, despite that he’s wearing a white tennis outfit, the girls seem to find him sexy for some reason. Then again, they might be hookers or work other sectors in the adult entertainment industry.

Or as Bobby Jimmy said, “Oh, hell no, you’re naming my album that!”

45. Electronic Music to Blow Your Mind!

Then again, this might as well have been John Lennon’s mind on drugs while he was writing music within the Beatles’ psychedelic phase like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, and Magical Mystery Tour.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s draw someone who looks vaguely like John Lennon, and then spill some colored paint on the cover, and maybe people will think it’s a Beatles album!”

46. Ruben Vela: Mucho Tequila

I’m sorry but even most medical experts would say that a man can’t take that much alcohol at one time and not die of liver cirrhosis, let alone a woman. Seriously, get this senorita mexicana to a donce-step program pronto! God, how many bottles has she drank already?

I don’t know about you but I think this woman needs to check into rehab and AA meetings because I think she might have a drinking problem, at least.

47. Camilo Sesto: Entre Amigos

Boy, is my mom going to be green with envy with all the flourishing ivy around this guy. The ivy covering my house hasn’t been in the best shape these days since a lot of it died one winter.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s get that photo I took of the pervert stalker hiding in the bushes and make it our album cover….”

48. Mrs. Miller: Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits

From San Diego Reader: “You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out “These Boots Were Made For Walking” and “Hard Day’s Night”! You’ll laugh even harder…” Still, looks pretty loaded by the expression on her face. Must sound quite horrible.

Basically the album with songs sung by that hard drinking and chain smoking middle aged woman you meet at a karaoke bar. Also, most of these songs are covers and it’s a greatest hits album? Seriously, why?

49. Ray Howard: The Cotton Pickin’ Lift Tower and Other Skiing Songs

Of course, a fall that high could break your neck. If not, then he’s probably suffered a serious spinal injury and probably will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Looks like the first one killed him. If he’s in Colorado, probably died while high on weed. So remember, kids, never dare play music on a ski lift tower. It’s a very stupid thing to do. Look what happened to him.

50. Nester Shydlowsky and the Royal Polka Kings: Buying a Car Ukrainian Style

From San Diego Reader: “Where oh where to start – the guy’s giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl’s legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?” Yeah, you can find a lot of crazy things wrong with this. Seems like the dealership is short of a few janitors at the moment. The girl’s just for holding guitars and show, you know.

Basically this consists of bringing your accordion to the auto dealership, finding the car you want, and annoying the living shit out of the dealer so they could sell it to you at a bargain price. Try to go for a yellow one.

Might as Well Face It, You’re a Dick with a Glove and Other Mondegreens

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 13, 2015

We’ve all done it at one time. Say you’re listening and singing along to this catchy song either in a car, party, store, or karaoke bar. You might be singing to the words you thought you were hearing from the audio entertainment system and even though they don’t necessarily make sense, well, you figure that it wasn’t the song’s point. And then someone tells you what the real words are and you feel quite embarrassed. This is especially so when you actually look up the lyrics online. Yeah, we’ve all been there. You might not have know that there’s a name to such mishearings called “mondegreens” whose origin I described in my last mondegreen post on Christmas songs. Yet, now that it’s January and the holidays are over, now the real fun can begin. Of course, some of these songs may be pop favorites while others may be from newer contemporary hits. But my primary sources for such musical mishearings are from Kiss This Guy and Am I Right? websites devoted to such karaoke blunders. So without further adieu, here are some examples of lyrics being sung the wrong way.

Either Robert Palmer is singing about falling in love or perhaps delivering a stealth insult to Michael Jackson as some hear. Of course, what’s the hell with all the creepy back up dancers. Got to love the 1980s.

1. Robert Palmer, “Addicted to Love”
Lyric: “Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.”
Misheard as: “Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove.”

2. Earth, Wind & Fire, “Let’s Groove”
Lyric: “Let this groove/Sit in your shoes/It’s all right, all right.”
Misheard as: “Let this dude,/Poop in your shoes/It’s alright….ALRIGHT, A-a-a-all-riiight!”

These people are cheering for the dawning of the age of peace, love, vegetables, and really stinky pee. Yes, this is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

3. Fifth Dimension, “Aquarius”
Lyric: “This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius”
Misheard as: “This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus, Asparagus”

4. Toto, “Africa”
Lyric: “There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.”
Misheard as: “There’s nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do.”

5. Berlin, “Take My Breath Away”
Lyric: “Haunted by the notion somewhere there’s a love in flames”
Misheard as: “In all that body lotion, somewhere there’s a loving flame”

Sorry, R.E.M. but public urination is a crime and not setting a good example. And I don’t care if you lost your religion. Seriously, I don’t.

6. R.E.M. “Losing My Religion”
Lyric: “That’s me in the corner, That’s me in the spotlight.”
Misheard as: “Let’s pee in the corner, Let’s pee in the spotlight.”

7. Elvis Presley, “Hound Dog”
Lyric: “You ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no friend of mine”
Misheard as: “You ain’t never pornographic and you ain’t no friend of mine”

8. Commodores “Brick House”
Lyric: “She’s mighty mighty, built like an Amazon”
Misheard as: “She’s mighty mighty, built like a mastodon”

9. Bryan Adams, “Summer of 69’”
Lyric: “Got my first real six string,/bought it at the five-and-dime./Played it till my fingers bled./It was the summer of 69.”
Misheard as: “Got my first real sex dream,/I was 5 at the time./Played it till my fingers bled./It was the summer of 69.”

Man, I knew that Jimi Hendrix may have taken too many drugs (unfortunately). Didn’t know that he went both ways though. Yeah, kiss this guy, indeed.

10. Jimi Hendrix, “Purple Haze”
Lyric: “’Scuse me, while I kiss the sky”
Misheard as: “’Scuse me, while I kiss this guy.”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “[Editor’s note: this is the singlemost commonly misheard lyric we’ve ever received, and is in fact the name of our new domain name!]”

11. Smokey Robinson, “Second That Emotion”
Lyric: “I second that emotion”
Misheard as: “I suck at that emotion”

12. REO Speedwagon, “Can’t Fight This Feeling”
Lyric: “You’re a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter’s night.”
Misheard as: “You’re a candle in the window and a corn dog when it’s night.”

13. Aqua, “Barbie Girl”
Lyric: “C’mon Barbie, let’s go party.”
Misheard as: “C’mon body let’s go potty.”
Comment: From Kiss the Guy: “My mom had told me about misheard song lyrics, and read me that one. I thought the real lyrics were the misheard ones and the misheard lyrics were the real ones.”

14. Nine Inch Nails, “Closer”
Lyric: “I want to f*ck you like an animal/You get me closer to God”
Misheard as: “I want a duck shaped like a triangle/You give a toaster to Bob”

Well, it certainly does make a difference whether you’re naked or not, especially when you’re in public. Too bad this guy listened to Bon Jovi way too much. Seriously, man, get your clothes on.

15. Bon Jovi, “Living on a Prayer”
Lyric: “It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.”
Misheard as: “It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not.”

16. The Monkees, “I’m a Believer”
Lyric: “Then I saw her face. Now I’m a believer”
Misheard as: “Then I saw her face. Now I’m gonna leave her”

17. Til Tuesday, “Voices Carry”
Lyric: “Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry”
Misheard as: “Oh Josh, you went downtown, was it scary?”

18. Kings of Leon, “Sex on Fire”
Lyric: “Ohh, ho, just like sex on fire.”
Misheard as: “Ohh, ho, dyslexics on fire”

19. Guns N’ Roses, “Civil War”
Lyric: “’Cause all these dreams are swept aside”
Misheard as: “’Cause all these dreams are web design”

Sorry, Lynyrd Skynyrd fans but I’m afraid we’ll have to cancel tonight’s performance since the whole band has been infected with ptomaine poisoning after eating dinner at a kids’ summer camp. Don’t ask me why.

20. Allan Sherman, “Hello, Mudda, Hello, Fadda (Letter from Camp)”
Lyric: “I went hiking with Joe Spivy;/He developed poison ivy./You remember Leonard Skinner;/He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.”
Misheard as: “I went hiking with Joe Spivy;/He developed poison ivy./You remember Lynyrd Skynyrd;/He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.”
Comment: Ironically, the name Lynyrd Skynyrd came from the high school gym teacher of some of the band’s original band members named Leonard Skinner who forced long haired boys to wear hairnets like cafeteria workers, which the guys naturally balked at. Also, despite being known for “Sweet Home Alabama,” the original Lynyrd Skynyrd members were from Jacksonville, Florida.

21. Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, “Blinded By the Light”
Lyric: “Revved up like a deuce/Another runner in the night”
Misheard as: “Wrapped up like a douche/Another rumor in the night”
Comment: I sometimes mishear the “deuce” part as “douche” whenever I hear this song.

22. Thompson Twins, “Hold Me Now”
Lyric: “Oh, Hold My Heart/(My Cold and Tired Heart)”
Misheard as: “Oh, Hold My Heart/(My Golden Tire Parts)”

Johnny Nash must really have something against his ex-girlfriend Lorraine. I mean it’s been a bright sunshiny day since she’s been gone. Wonder if that woman’s a real bitch.

23. Johnny Nash, “I Can See Clearly Now”
Lyric: “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.”
Misheard as: “I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

24. Jay Z and Alicia Keys, “Empire State of Mind”
Lyric: “In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made, oh… “
Misheard as: “In New York, concrete jungle, wet dream, tomato…”

25. Iggy Azalea, “Fancy”
Lyric: “I’m so fancy, can’t you taste this gold…”
Misheard as: “I’m so fancy, can’t you taste this goat…”

26. Sleeping With Sirens, “Alone”
Lyric: “Could you check my pulse for me, to see if I’m alive…”
Misheard as: ”Could you check my balls for me, to see if I’m alive…”

27. Kelly Clarkson, “Because of You”
Lyric: “Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk…”
Misheard as: ”Because of you I never stray too far from the salad bowl…”

I’m beginning to wonder whether the 1990s Spice Girls were showing possible signs of being a potential sociopath. Having your boyfriend getting rid of your friends, that’s really good relationship advice. Not. Worst role models for girls ever.

28. Spice Girls, “Wannabe”
Lyric: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”
Misheard as: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get rid of my friends”

29. C7C Music Factory, “Gonna Make You Sweat(Everybody Dance Now)”
Lyric: “Everybody dance now”
Misheard as: “Everybody’s dead now”

30. Stone Temple Pilots, “Creep”
Lyric: “Everybody run, Bobby’s got a gun”
Misheard as: “Everybody run, Barbie’s got a gun.”

31. Metallica, “Enter Sandman”
Lyric: “Dreams of war, Dreams of lies, Dreams of dragons fire, And of things that will bite”
Misheard as: “Dreams of war, dreams of lies, dreams of dragon’s fire and of baked apple pie”

Hey, Backstreet Boys, if you’re having stomach problems, you might want to try a few of these. They’re over the counter, by the way so if you feel gassy with an upset stomach, just go to your local pharmacy.

32. Backstreet Boys, “I Want It That Way”
Lyric: “Tell me why? Ain’t nothing but a heart ache, ain’t nothing but a mistake”
Misheard as: “Tummy why? Ain’t nothing but a fart hey, ain’t nothing but a meat steak”

33. Tone-Loc, “Funky Cold Medina”
Lyric: “Funky cold Medina”
Misheard as: “Funky Colwyn cleaner”

34. Johnny Cash, “Jackson”
Lyric: “We got married in a fever…..”
Misheard as: “We got married in a beaver…..”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I was probably around 7 years old when I asked my mom why they got married in a beaver.”

35. George Harrison, “I’ve Got My Mind Set on You”
Lyric: “I’ve got my mind set on you.”
Misheard as: “Watch out I might sit on you.”

So, Avril, if you keep complaining about your bowels in your music, you might want to eat some of these foods. They’re said to be high in fiber by the way.

36. Avril Lavigne, “Complicated”
Lyric: “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?”
Misheard as: “Why do you have to go and make things so constipated?”

37. Pink Floyd, “Another Brick in the Wall”
Lyric: “We don’t need no education”
Misheard as: “We don’t need no sex vacation”

38. Metallica, “King Nothing”
Lyrics: “Where’s your crown, King Nothing?”
Misheard as: “Where’s your cornbread muffin?”

39. Neil Young, “Cripple Creek Ferry”
Lyric: “Hey, hey Cripple Creek ferry,/Butting through the overhanging trees./Make way for the Cripple Creek ferry./The water’s going down; it’s a mighty tight squeeze.”
Misheard as: “Hey, hey the purple Greek fairy/Slumming through the overhanging trees./Make way for the purple Greek fairy./The waiter’s going down; it’s a mighty tight squeeze.”

40. Drake, “Forever”
Lyric: “I’m shuttin’ s**t down in the mall”
Misheard as: “I shouldn’t s**t down in the mall”

41. Green Day, “Good Riddance”
Lyric: “Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road./Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.”
Misheard as: “Another turnip porn, the fork stuck in the road./Tongue grabs you by the ribs, directs you where to go.”

Problems with the glands downstairs, TISM, well, there may be something for that. Of course, you might want to get off the drug that shrivels it though. Nevertheless, if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, see your doctor.

42. TISM, “(He’ll Never Be an) Ol’ Man River”
Lyric: “I’m on the drug that killed River Phoenix”
Misheard as: “I’m on the drug that shrivels your penis”

43. Hillary Duff, “Chasing the Sun”
Lyric: “You’ll find us chasing the sun”
Misheard as: “You’re father chasing a gun”

44. Magic!, “Rude”
Lyric: “Saturday morning, jumped out of bed/And put on my best suit…”
Misheard as: “Saturday morning, jumped out of bed/And put on my bear suit…”

45. Level 42, “Something About You”
Lyric: “Carved out of caring”
Misheard as: “Carved out of Karen”

Apparently, as Fall Out Boy implies, Tom Riddle (a.k.a. Lord Voldemort) does care about which pie whines as well as his own self-preservation in his quest for eternal life. Of course, if its a Muggle born pie, he’ll kill it.

46. Fall Out Boy, “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”
Lyric: “Don’t really care, which side wins”
Misheard as: “Tom Riddle cares, which pie whines”
Comment: For those unfamiliar with Harry Potter, Tom Riddle is the original name of Lord Voldemort.

47. Cat Stevens, “Another Saturday Night”
Lyric: “Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody/I got some money because I just got paid”
Misheard as: “Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody/I got some money because I just got laid”

48. The Temptations, “My Girl”
Lyric: “I got all the riches, baby, one man can have”
Misheard as: “I got all the bitches, baby, one man can have”

49. The Temptations, “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch”
Lyric: “Sugar pie, Honey bunch”
Misheard as: “Sugar-fried honey butts”

“In the garden I peed in,” seriously, Iron Butterfly, are you guys dogs? Otherwise, you might be so high you’re tripping balls.

50. Iron Butterfly, “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”
Lyric: “In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey”
Misheard as: “In the garden I peed in, honey”

51. Elvis Presley, “Suspicious Minds”
Lyric: “We’re caught in a trap, I can’t walk out”
Misheard as: “We’re callin’ it crap, I can’t walk out”

52. Led Zeppelin, “The Ocean”
Lyric: “It sure is fine! Blow my mind! It feels so good, a yeah, yeah yeah!….”
Misheard as: “It sure is fine! A go mine mine! I’m gonna piss out the window, a yeah, yeah yeah!..”

53. Grateful Dead, “Truckin’”
Lyric: “Sometimes the lights all shinin on me”
Misheard as: “Sometimes the Lysol’s shining on me”

54. Shocking Blue, “Venus”
Lyric: “Well, I’m your Venus, I’m your fire at your desire.”
Misheard as: “Well, I’m your penis, I’m your fire and joy desire”

“Xylophone waiting for you?” Seriously, how does that even make sense, Foundations? Most people haven’t played one of those since they were kids or at least toy ones anyway.

55. The Foundations, “Build Me Up Buttercup”
Lyric: “I’ll be beside the phone waiting for you.”
Misheard as: “I’ll be your xylophone waiting for you.”

56. Everly Brothers, “(All I Have to Do Is)Dream”
Lyric: “Only trouble is, gee whiz”
Misheard as: “Only trouble is, cheese whiz”

57. Juice Newton, “Angel of the Morning”
Lyric: “Just call me angel of the morning baby,/Just touch my cheek before you leave me baby ”
Misheard as: “Just call me angel in the morning baby,/Just brush your teeth before you kiss me, baby ”

58. John Denver, “Annie’s Song”
Lyric: “Let me drown in your laughter,/Let me die in your arms. ”
Misheard as: “Let me drown in your bathtub,/Let me dry in your arms. ”

Of course, you’ll always lose to Dorothy when you mess with her, John Mellencamp. I mean if you go against her, she’ll always have a scarecrow, tinman, and lion to back her up. Oh, and her little dog, too. Look what happened to the Wicked Witch of the West for God’s sake.

59. John Mellencamp, “Authority”
Lyric: “Well, I fight authority and authority always wins.”
Misheard as: “Well, I fight with Dorothy and Dorothy always wins.”

60. Paul McCartney, “Band on the Run”
Lyric: “Band on the run, Band on the Run… ”
Misheard as: “Stand on the rug, Stand on the rug… ”

61. Neil Diamond, “Cherry, Cherry”
Lyric: “She’s got the way to move me, Cherry”
Misheard as: “She’s got some weight to lose now, Cherry”

62. Heart, “Crazy on You”
Lyric: “Gonna go crazy on you”
Misheard as: “Gonna pour gravy on you”

63. Blue Oyster Cult, “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper”
Lyric: “Don’t fear the reaper”
Misheard as: “Don’t spare the reefer”

Now that Jesus has pants, John Lennon, do you think he should go with the fat jeans or the skinny jeans? Hey, it’s only fair to ask you since you kept singing to give Jesus pants.

64. John Lennon, “Give Peace a Chance”
Lyric: “All we are saying is give peace a chance”
Misheard as: “Oh, we are sailing, yes, give Jesus pants”

65. The Rascals, “Groovin’”
Lyric: “Life would be ecstasy, you and me endlessly”
Misheard as: “Life would be ecstasy, you and me and Leslie”

66. Pat Benatar, “Hit Me with Your Best Shot”
Lyric: “Hit me with your best shot”
Misheard as: “Hit me with your pet shark”

67. The Ramones, “I Wanna Be Sedated”
Lyric: “I wanna be sedated”
Misheard as: “I want a piece of Danish”

68. Steve Miller Band, “Jet Airliner”
Lyric: “Big old jet airliner, don’t carry me to far away”
Misheard as: “Bingo Jed had a light on, Old Gary he’s from Paraguay”

The Brian Seltzer Orchestra may need to give some background screenings to their drivers. Of course, a drunk driver at the wheel just makes me jump and wail if you know what I mean.

69. Brian Seltzer Orchestra, “Jump, Jive and Wail”
Lyric: “You got to, jump, jive, and then you wail”
Misheard as: “You got a, drunk driver, at the wheel”

70. Jimmy Buffett, “Margaritaville”
Lyric: “Lookin’ for my lost shaker of salt”
Misheard as: “Looking for my log shaker and saw”

71. Crosby, Stills, and Nash, “Marrakesh Express”
Lyric: “Don’t you know we’re riding on the Marrakesh Express”
Misheard as: “Don’t you know we’re writing American Express”

72. Willie Nelson, “On the Road Again”
Lyric: “The life I love is making music with my friends”
Misheard as: “The wife I love is making music with my friends”

As what the Monkees are saying, the local rock group is trying so hard to learn their song but the band doesn’t seem to be getting in the hang of it. Hang on there, guys. Seriously, hang in there. Yet, if your lead singer can’t carry a tune, replace him.

73. The Monkees, “Pleasant Valley Sunday”
Lyric: “The local rock group down the street is tryin’ hard to learn their song”
Misheard as: “The local rock group down the street is tryin’ hard to learn this song”

74. Tom Petty, “Refugee”
Lyric: “You don’t have to live like a refugee”
Misheard as: “You don’t have to live like an amputee”

75. Hues Corporation, “Rock the Boat”
Lyric: “Well, I’d like to know where, you got the notion”
Misheard as: “Well, I’d like to know where, you got the nose from”

76. Motley Crue, “Smokin’ in the Boys’ Room”
Lyric: “Everybody knows that smoking ain’t allowed in school”
Misheard as: “Everybody knows that smoking in the lounge is cool”

77. Ray Stevens, “The Streak”
Lyric: “Ethel, you shameless hussy”
Misheard as: “Ethel, you shave that pussy”

78. Eddie Cochran, “Summertime Blues”
Lyric: “I’m a gonna raise a fuss I’m a gonna raise a holler”
Misheard as: “I’m a Puerto Rican bus I’m a Puerto Rican father”

79. James Taylor, “Sweet Baby James”
Lyric: “Though the Berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting”
Misheard as: “Though the birdsh*t seemed green-like on account of that frosting”

Next time you feel like going in a can, John Denver, you might want to try this. Still, while it’s yellow, make it mellow. But when it’s brown flush it down. Seriously, you can totally afford one.

80. John Denver, “Thank God I’m A Country Boy”
Lyric: “Well I work all day and I fiddle when I can”
Misheard as: “Well I work all day and I piddle in a can”

81. Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, “Zoot Suit Riot”
Lyric: “Now you sailors know, where your women come for love”
Misheard as: “Now you sadists know, where your women come for love”

82. Hollywood Undead, “Gangsta Sexy”
Lyric: “..Gangsta, gonna turn you on..”
Misheard as: “..Gangsta, got a tiny wand..”

83. Pearl Jam, “Glorified”
Lyric: “Glorified version of a pellet gun.”
Misheard as: “Horrified virgin on a pelican.”

84. Foo Fighters, “The Pretender”
Lyric: “What if I say I’m not like the others?”
Misheard as: “What if I say I’m not like the otters?”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I never knew what Dave Grohl had against those poor otters.”

85. Bob Marley, “Jammin’”
Lyric: “We’re jammin, jammin,/And I hope you like jammin, too.”
Misheard as: “We’re German, German,/And I hope you like Germans, too”

For some men, maybe life would be fine if their girlfriend was a BLT sandwich since she may not want to make one. Some guys really become helpless in the sight of bacon, lettuce, and tomato.

86. Pussycat Dolls, “Don’t Cha”
Lyric: “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?”
Misheard as: “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a BLT?”

87. Tinie Tempah, “Pass Out”
Lyric: “G Shocks, I’ve got a crazy Dom collection…”
Misheard as: “G Shocks, I’ve got a crazy nun collection…”

88. Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”
Lyric: “What’s love but a second hand emotion?”
Misheard as: “What’s love but a can of white emulsion?”

Sure a landmine taking your earring is painful enough, but look on the bright side. It could be worse, you could’ve lost a limb. Then again losing sight and speech isn’t great either.

89. Metallica, “One”
Lyric: “Landmine has taken my sight, taken my speech, taken my hearing…”
Misheard as: “Landmine has taken my sight, taken my speech, taken my earring…”

90. Phil Collins, “In the Air Tonight”
Lyric: “And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life…”
Misheard as: “And I’ve been waiting for this snowman for all my life…”

91. The Tokens, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
Lyric: “Wee-ooh wim-o-weh. Wee-ooh wim-o-weh.”
Misheard as: “A weenie wack a weenie wack a weenie wack.”

92. Player, “Baby Got Back”
Lyric: “Baby come back, you can blame it all on me.”
Misheard as: “Baby come back, you can play Monopoly.”

93. Dixie Cups, “Chapel of Love”
Lyric: “Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married.”
Misheard as: “Goin’ to the Jack-O-Lantern, gonna get married.”

94. Billy Ocean, “When the Going Gets Tough”
Lyric: “When the going gets tough.”
Misheard as: “Go and get stuffed.”

According to Eurythmics, sweet dreams are made from curdled dairy products. Of course, who am I to diss a brie. Yet, those 1980s hair are ugly.

95. Eurythmics, “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)”
Lyric: “Sweet dreams are made of this, who had a mind to disagree?”
Misheard as: “Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who had a mind to diss a brie?”

96. TLC, “Waterfalls”
Lyric: “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.”
Misheard as: “Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls.”

97. War, “Slipping Into Darkness”
Lyric: “ I was slippin’ into darkness/When I heard my mother say/You’ve been slippin’ into darkness/Pretty soon you gonna pay”
Misheard as: “I was slippin’ in the dog mess/When I heard my mother say/You’ve been slippin’ in the dog mess/Pretty soon you gonna pay”

98. Don Broco, “Thug Workout”
Lyric: “Look up above, you’re in love”
Misheard as: “Look at my bum, you’re in love”

99. Fuse ODG, “Dangerous Love”
Lyric: “ Look at you in that dress/Girl you dangerous like a gun”
Misheard as: “Look at you in that dress/Girl you dangerous like Dewgong.”

100. Dire Straits, “Walk of Life”
Lyric: “Do the song about the sweet loving woman”
Misheard as: “Do the song about the senile old woman”

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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