While not a big card exchange holiday like Christmas and Valentine’s Day as well as perhaps Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, there are some people who take part of this tradition which was started in the 19th century. Many of these cards contain a variety of Easter motifs like bunnies, chicks, eggs, crosses, and what not. Of course, as with anything from more than a generation ago, Easter cards also may have a tendency to receive their share of nostalgia since many of them have artistic illustrations attached to them. Now I can go on all about the great vintage Easter greeting cards out there. But I know that would be boring so I’ll show you some Easter cards that would make us ask what the hell our ancestors were thinking or how did they ever think it was a good idea. Some of them might seem creepy by our standards as well as unintentionally funny. So maybe a vintage Easter card of Jesus as a shepherd is probably a better card to send, even if your friends aren’t Christian, compared to this bunch. So without further ado, here are some not so cutesy Easter cards from yesterday.
1. Happy Easter from the hatching Easter baby.
And this is why we need biology class as well as sex education in schools. Seriously, mammals are placental animals that don’t lay eggs.
2. Loving Easter Greetings, now watch what those chicks can do with that rabbit.
Man, it must suck being a rabbit in a chick circus. Seriously, nobody wants to get pussy willow whipped under the big top.
3. Easter greetings from an unhinged rabbit performance of Wuthering Heights performed from within giant egg.
Honestly, I really don’t want to know what’s going on there. And for those who know the story of Wuthering Heights, remember Cathy and Heathcliff’s screaming dysfunctional relationship doesn’t end well.
4. Happy Easter from some creepy woman in egg holding an egg.
I wonder what kind of drugs these French photographers and card designers were on to produce such crazy cards like these. Maybe absinthe isn’t as safe as it’s said to be.
5. Happy Easter from the two cats who decided to paint a hatching egg.
“Sure the egg might’ve hatched while we were painting it, Joey. But look on the bright side, at least we’re having baby rotisserie chicken tonight.”
6. Happy Easter from a German soldier, an Austro-Hungarian infantryman, and the Easter Bunny?
Man, seeing the Easter Bunny hanging out the the Central Powers. Let’s hope Santa Claus is on the Allies’ side or else a bunch a soldiers are sure going to be disappointed.
7. Easter greetings from the colorful, egg shell wearing, dancing bunny cult.
Who knew that old fashioned card artists could make bunnies and eggs so terrifying. Could possibly serve as an inspiration for a Donnie Darko poster.
8. “Okay, Henny Penny, I spared your last chick now repay me by laying your next egg in the frying pan. Breakfast doesn’t cook itself, you know.”
In the world of vintage cards, this is “breakfast.” In the world of poultry, this is Sophie’s Choice.
9. Happy Easter this spring from the Easter Puck.
While the Prince of Darkness may inhabit the fiery regions of Hell, he sure does enjoy frolicking among the white daffodils during the spring. Still, don’t want to see this during the Easter egg hunt.
10. Nothing says Easter like a visit from the ghost dad who went to fight on the Western Front.
Hmm…German soldier dad with Kaiser helmet watching over Easter Bunny with his children. Creepy.
11. Happy Easter from the egg carrying, umbrella wielding chicken lady.
Okay, that’s going to give your kid nightmares. Of course, she’s about to whack that bunny with her umbrella over the abduction of one of her unborn children.
12. Happy Easter from the chick preying bunny from Hell!
I hate to think what this evil eyed Easter bunny wants to do with this chick. Seems like he’s saying, “I have plans for you, Goldilocks.”
13. An Easter greeting from the bunny regiment and their enslaved chicken.
Yes, I’m sure those eggs are from those the enslaved chicken laid which they’re now using as artillery shells. Also, did I tell you that the chicken sort of resembles a rooster?
14. Easter greetings from the egg that inspired Hannibal Lecter.
How could any card company ever think this illustration is a good idea? I mean it has a picture of an anthropomorphic egg having it’s guts eaten out of him.
15. Happy Easter from creepy rabbit girl.
Okay, compared to the Donnie Darko rabbit and this girl in a rabbit costume, the creepy rabbit girl wins every time when it comes to inducing nightmares.
16. “All right, who’s been cracking the eggs in this basket?”
Okay, this card carries some unfortunate implications we need not discuss right now. Of course, those 2 eggs breaking might’ve been an accident but it’s not stopping the chick soldiers from chirping like mad.
17. “So remember kids, babies come from giant chicken eggs, okay?”
Do I need to remind anyone why sex ed is required in high schools across America? Seriously, this is fucked up. I mean what the hell was this designer on when he thought up this?
18. “By the way, Jimmy, this is a hard egg to crack so we must use hammers.”
Still, I wonder where these girls got their chicken costumes from. Oh, I think I can guess. Oh, my God, that’s disturbing! And there the yellow chick sits helplessly by to watch.
19. “Get off my lawn, you floppy eared, patted food, egg stealing punk, Peter Cottontail!”
Also serves as a great PSA on why we need stricter gun laws. Yep, nothing says Easter like a chick using his God given Second Amendment Right of standing his ground.
20. Apparently, Easter isn’t always welcome in places like the swamp since the frogs and the bees are total bullies.
By the way, are the frogs flinging mud or poo? I can’t really be sure. Besides, bees aren’t that big unless they’ve been exposed to radiation, perhaps, but I don’t want to think about it.
21. “Happy Easter, and remove the ladder please.”
Unfortunately, Billy would drown in an array of egg white and yoke as well as willful negligence from his friends.
22. Happy Easter with love from the office chick couple.
Seems like someone in the back isn’t happy for these 2 lovebirds and seems like it’s contemplating revenge of some sort.
23. Now these two chicks seem to have a nice Easter morning walk.
Okay, now the guy chick is smoking in a suit. The female chick has a bit of her shell attached to her ass. So does that mean she’s not long hatched and that there’s a bit of sugar daddery going on?
24. “Here, boy, here’s a lovely Easter egg to give to your mother.”
Remember, kids, don’t ever accept Easter eggs from strange rabbits. Seriously, you have no idea what their agenda is. Besides, the kid is creepy.
25. Good wishes, this Easter, unless you’re the chick in the stew pot.
Now this is quite disturbing. Aren’t the other two chicks going to help their friend? Or is the one chick like, “Sorry, but there’s a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC.”
26. Happy Easter by the creepy gnome painting Easter eggs.
Don’t like the look on that guy’s face. Also, I have a bad feeling about the chicks surrounding him who seem fatally attracted to the color red for some reason.
27. “Happy Easter and you can have my Easter eggs if you can pry them from my cold dead hands.”
Would great movie poster. I can see it now. Easter Bunny’s Revenge: It’s rabbit season, folks, but this time it’s man whose the hunted.
28. Happy Easter and all hail the giant newly hatched chick.
Now I’m not sure why these people have to dance around the chick. Must be some sort of cult ritual before they sacrifice it by setting the nest on fire.
29. Easter greetings from the gnome flower house.
“Come in and make yourself at home. Of course, I’m not going steal your eggs or make you into rabbit stew.” I have a bad feeling about this since the gnome is just terrifying.
30. In the latest of baby chicken transportation, I know give you the rabbit and egg shell carrier.
The rabbit seems dead inside. Also, I’m sure egg shells are very fragile and don’t make good containers. Just saying.
31. These rabbits wish you a happy Easter greeting.
And by “greeting,” the mean, “we will kill you. Possibly stuff and mount you while we’re at it.”
32. Happy Easter from the red eyed killer bunnies of infernal doom.
“We’re here to eat your cute little chicks or possibly stun you with our laser eyes.” Either way, these cute little chicks are going to be nuggets once these bunnies are done with them.
33. With best Easter wishes, let’s destroy these multicolored eggs from the nest by dumping them on these birds. It will be fun.
Obviously, whoever illustrated this cared either hated birds or didn’t think this one through. Bunch of brats.
34. Celebrate Easter like these two chickies would, getting drunk.
The one with the bottle is destined to become the famed rooster His Royal Majesty Rex Goliath who would reach a whopping 47 pounds as “the World’s Largest Rooster” and have a wine company named after him in California.
35. “You know these hens don’t just produce great artillery shells. They also are great for transporting cannons.”
Seriously, what’s with all this Easter motifs with battle implements? It’s like having a card with a picture of a commando Easter Bunny in camo carrying an AK-47! I mean, why?
36. On Easter, it’s not uncommon to see upright rabbits playing tennis with colored Easter eggs.
“It’s a good thing these eggs are hard boiled and covered in latex. Else, we’d have a slimy situation on our hands.”
37. Nothing says Easter like a boy putting the moves on a girl in a giant eggshell boat rowed by a rabbit.
I bet this rabbit is like, “Get a room, you two.” Still, how old are these kids supposed to be? I mean this is kind of disturbing if you ask me.
38. Happy Easter from the whole family.
Okay, now let me get this straight. This family consists of a rabbit dad and chick mom with two rabbit boys and a baby chick. So how does that happen? I have nothing against depicting inter-species relationships in greeting cards but this is ridiculous.
39. Remember parents, don’t leave your baby unattended with an egg basket. Because small children can easily fall prey to monstrous chicks.
I don’t like the look of the three chicks congregating like they’re straight out of Goodfellas. Luckily, baby has a pussy willow in hand for self-defense.
40. Didn’t know that the Easter Bunny traveled on a plane made from pink spring flowers.
I wonder what kind of drugs this illustrator was tripping on to come up with this? Seriously, why does this even exist?
41. Happy Easter from the naked lady hatching from the giant egg.
Since how does this capture the message of Easter? Seriously, you wonder that such cards of strange women hatching from eggs exist mainly as fanservice. You know, the kind of cards young men would send to their fellow frat brothers.
42. Happy Easter from the Easter egg girl.
Seriously, I’m at a loss for words with this one. Also, I don’t think that little girl’s dress is appropriate attire either. I mean, why?
43. Easter greetings from the chickies and the boy who’s about to kill their newly hatched friend with a paddle.
I don’t know about you but I think the chicks need to clear out right now because there’s a paddle wielding boy with murder on the mind.
44. Nothing says Easter like a newly hatched babe in the river.
Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don’t emerge from eggs! Else, Sports Illustrated and Playboy would’ve started their own egg hatching programs. Seriously, why?
45. Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on its-Holy shit, is that blood in that bucket?
Seems like Peter Cottontail murdered his boss and is now gleefully painting the town with his blood, literally. What a sadistic, homicidal rabbit.
46. Seems like this chick has taken habit to riding and smoking.
So I suppose this card shows how barnyard chicks really start early. Still, not sure which is freakier, the smoking or the riding habit.
47. This Easter, may you find an Easter Bunny within a colored egg.
Sorry, kids, but I’m afraid rabbit reproduction just doesn’t work that way. Rabbits give birth to live young and don’t emerge fully formed. Yeah, way to go with telling misleading information on rabbit biology. Also, is its ear bleeding?
48. Nothing makes a more adorable Easter card than a child covering a rabbit’s eyes.
Then again, those rabbit eyes seem to tell us that it’s pure evil and might kill us as we speak. The kid looks pretty creepy as well.
49. Nothing brings the spirit of Easter than a card depicting bunnies smoking flowers with pipes.
Now they use egg shells for their pipe ends. Still, that must be strong stuff that their smoking. Also, you have to wonder what the designer was smoking to come up with this idea. Seriously why?
50. May your Easter greetings bring you great joy this spring.
Unfortunately for this chick, once it gets out of its shell, it won’t have a long to live. Because these cats seem to eye it as if they’re waiting for their next meal.