Since I posted my last vintage Valentines post last year in January, it’s become one of my most popular blog posts ever with 1,517 views and over 40 shares on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. I especially get a lot of views for this post around Valentine’s Day for obvious reasons. Well, for those who loved my last bunch of vintage Valentines, there’s a lot more where that came from. Whether they be racist, sexist, offensive, or somewhat carry unfortunate implications. Many of these vintage greeting cards may make you wonder why people would send these to each other or even their sweethearts. Sometimes they make you wish you can send them to your classmates while in elementary school. Some might have seen as a good idea at the time to the designer but seem to carry unfortunate implications by today’s standards. So without further adieu, here are some more of the wonderful vintage Valentines from yesterday.
1. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a fly telling you to stick around or catch on.
Or from the fly’s perspective, “Fly on this tape you’ll be stuck on forever and die.” How romantic!
2. Of course, there’s nothing more romantic place on Valentine’s Day than a butcher shop.
Now I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I’m not sure if “I’d like to meat you, valentine,” is a cute message or a way to tell them you’re a cannibal.
3. Say that you’ll never be false to your valentine by sending them a card with a set of dentures.
Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you’ll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that’s disgusting.
4. For Valentine’s Day assure that your heart only pants for only them by sending them a valentine with bloomers.
Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, “pants” means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?
5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a cat telling you that she’ll be your sweetie pie if you make the dough.
Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.
6. Of course, there’s nothing like a valentine from a sweetheart saying that he’s not being exclusive.
Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I’d be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.
7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a card depicting an adorable rendering of every parents’ worst nightmare.
Seriously, this is a child for God’s sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.
8. Of course, you can’t say “I love you” without saying how you’d go for them in a big way.
Of course, I’m not sure if I’d want a guy saying he’s in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he’s seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.
9. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than having a boy seize a girl’s eyes and mouth from behind.
This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn’t careful enough.
10. Happy Valentine’s Day from Popeye the Sailor Man.
Okay, that’s a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn’t know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason. Also the girl is totally not Olive Oyl by any means.
11. Nothing says you need to thaw out like a Valentine depicting a girl in the refrigerator.
Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would’ve been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.
12. When searching for a girlfriend, it’s best that you go dressed in a matching checkered deer stalker cap and tweed with orange as well as a deer hunting rifle. Seriously, for some men, finding a girlfriend is like deer hunting.
Apparently, this card’s designer hasn’t read “The Most Dangerous Game.” It’s about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.
13. Of course, what better valentine to send your sweetheart than one depicting kids on the playground.
Is it just me or does this valentine’s message seem apparently dirty? I don’t know but I have a feeling, “mount” doesn’t really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.
14. Of course, nothing can be more adorable on Valentine’s Day than a cute angel building a snowman.
What I don’t get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.
15. Happy Valentine’s Day by some person of indeterminate gender and his or her cat/dog hybrid pet in the dog house.
Now what I don’t understand is the message, “Sweetheart dear, I’m in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-” oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn’t it? It’s even dirtier if you or your valentine’s British since “pants” means what you wear under your trousers.
16. Happy Valentine’s Day from flapper fish but don’t ask me how she uses her fins.
Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can’t breathe outside water and fire can’t survive in water. So how’s that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don’t ask me.
17. There’s no better occasion than Valentine’s Day to tell your loved one how much you hate Asian people and that you can’t keep it in your pants.
Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst since this screams racism. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I’m being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.
18. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than offensively mocking Native Americans with demeaning stereotypes.
Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team’s name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It’s offensive like this Valentine of these kids thinking that Indians practice human sacrifice.
19. A valentine depicting a beaver carving a heart. Don’t see what can go wrong with that?
Of course, anyone who’s over a certain age knows what “beaver” also pertain to. It’s even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.
20. Of course, there’s nothing like some hotdogs on the fire during Valentine’s Day.
Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog’s face.
21. Nothing makes a more romantic valentine than one of a pirate threatening to kidnap you.
Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it. Seriously, abduction for love is a thing and it’s not pretty.
22. Be my valentine or this means war.
Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can’t refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn’t okay in the least. What’s wrong with, “I’ll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?” Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.
23. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a valentine of a lonely dog about to shoot himself.
Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? “Be my valentine or I’m going to shoot myself?” If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.
24. Be my valentine or I’ll murder you, burn your body, and put your ashes in the trash can.
It’s not what’s in the trash can, it’s who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can of ashes gives you a clue.
25. Happy Valentine’s Day from Ronald McDonald.
Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he’s always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he’s about to haunt your dreams. Hope you love therapy.
26. Give me a kiss and I won’t bite your head off.
Of course, this doesn’t help that the wolf looks as if it’s ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It’s pretty terrifying if you ask me.
27. Aw, a cat licking some little kid clean, what can possibly go wrong with that?
By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.
28. This sailor has a cannon only loaded with love for you, valentine.
Of course, I think the illustrator didn’t recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy’s legs. This sort of makes the “loaded only with love for you, valentine” have a whole new dirty meaning.
29. Happy Valentine’s Day and I’ll ski into your heart whether you like it or not.
Seriously, this girl looks as if she’s gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That’s not cute, it’s scary.
30. Be my valentine or I’ll send my duck billed crocodile after you.
Doesn’t help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don’t know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn’t look so good.
31. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than two hot dogs in love.
Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don’t want to know what’s more. Seriously, this valentine’s designer must’ve been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.
32. Happy Valentine’s Day from psycho pig.
You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he’ll make sure you’re as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.
33. Don’t be a dummy and be my valentine.
I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.
34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a crazy mouse caught in a trap.
I don’t know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?
35. Be my valentine and let’s be cuffed together for all eternity.
What’s this? Our grandparents’ BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?
36. Be my valentine or I’ll blow my top if you say no. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.
Now the imagery is cute but the message, I’m not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don’t seem like they’re up to any good.
37. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than cruelty to animals.
We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I’m sure the cat’s not liking it. Still, this girl is like, “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Giggle, giggle.
38. Be my valentine and I won’t be the fish that got away.
And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let’s hope this fish isn’t out of the tub too long before he suffocates.
39. Valentine, you are the apple of my eye.
Let’s hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don’t ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people’s heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.
40. Valentine, even if you’d toss my love aside like Bluebeard, I’d still want you.
For one, Bluebeard is a character from medieval European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it’s not like he just leaves them.
41. Must I hammer it in until you be my valentine?
I don’t know about you but, isn’t hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I’m just saying.
42. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy in your drink.
Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it’s pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it’s just a very big glass to begin with.
43. When it comes to the chase, some give up, some persist before they get the hint or restraining, and some keep trying beyond the grave.
Billy may be dead but he’s still determined to win Karen’s heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn’t had a good night sleep since.
44. Surrender and be my prisoner er-I mean valentine. That’s it.
Of course, this would’ve been quite different if she didn’t come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.
45. Happy Valentine’s Day from your neighborhood 1950s diner that hires the ugly people.
Basically this is Lady Elaine back when she was working at the neighborhood of Make Believe diner and malt shop during the 1950s before it went out of business. Yes, she was going through a very awkward phase in high school.
46. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than some hot condiment on hotdog action. This time, it’s the pickle jar’s turn.
Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.
47. You’re unusual, valentine, like the bearded lady.
If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn’t be happy at all. I mean if you’re a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying “you’re ugly.”
48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your generic horror movie monster whatever it is.
Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t your holiday.
49. Be my valentine, sunshine, or I’ll kill you.
Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don’t mess with this dame here.
50. Your eyes are brown like the harsh tobacco I inhale through too packs a day, which kills 1/3 of its users each year and is slowly killing me.
Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she’s like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she’s bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can’t seem to quit her. And if he’s with her long enough he’ll spend his last days slowly dying of cancer in the hospital if the heart attack doesn’t kill him first.