The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Seventh Edition)

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Now that we’re past Martin Luther King Day, we come to Valentine’s Day. Of course, this involves many people to exchange valentines. Kids give theirs to classmates. Adults give them to their sweethearts. Of course, you’ll find plenty of motifs on them like sentiments of heartfelt love, hearts, Cupid, and other images. Yet, there are some old valentines out there that defy explanation. Some that have cutesy images but suggestive puns. And those that surely wouldn’t fly nowadays. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible vintage Valentines.

  1. “To My Valentine: I believe in freedom of the press.”
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Let’s hope he asked for consent first. Still, the guy seems rather excited to embrace his girlfriend. Guess he can’t wait to get it on.

2. “I ‘mascara’ lot for you…”

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Meaning she likes you so much that she’ll apply tons of makeup to look like Tammy Faye Bakker. Or something like that.

3. This seems like a real sausage fest.

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Yeah, I know there’s a suggestive pun behind this. Yet, the girl seems to like what she sees.

4. This couple gives a whole new meaning to “tossed salad.”

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“Tossed salad” is a slang term relating to sex. Also, the carrot is the guy, obviously.

5. Any girl would like a cat who could play piano.

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But apparently, she’s hiding in the spinet. Kind of screwed up if you ask me.

6. Speaking of cats, this one’s throwing herself toward this boy.

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Yes, I know this is screwed up. But given the cat’s a giant who can tear the boy to pieces, I’m not sure how he’ll be able to say no.

7. Want to get your man? Lure him with treats.

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Not sure if the boy’s looking at her or the food. Also, she’s wearing a rather short skirt. Wonder why.

8. This firefighter cat’s burning for you.

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Apparently, he’s also got a rather suggestive stare going on like he’s hungry for something. And it’s not food. While he’s holding the hose over his shoulder.

9. “The future would appear so fine, if you would be my Valentine!”

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Is the boy using a telescope to look at the stars or stalking his sweetheart? If the latter, what the hell’s the girl doing beside him? I’d really like to know that.

10. “I need something permanent – It might as well be you!”

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Okay, the message isn’t too bad. But considering we live in the 21st century, this hasn’t aged well. Sure she’s getting her hair done. But such contraption has been used for sinister purposes in a lot of science fiction more times than I can count.

11. “Who wouldn’t BLOW a guy like you, my valentine.”

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The word “blow” has several meanings. But in this context, it could either mean “kiss,” or a “blow job.” Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

12. This wolf is only hungry for love.

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Yes, he’s certainly well-dressed. But despite that male wolves mate for life and make great dads in the wild, being seen as a “wolf” in human society, isn’t really a compliment.

13. “I get a BANG out of you, valentine. Please be mine.”

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Yes, the message is suggestive. But the bear lighting a firecracker isn’t really a smart idea either.

14. Don’t bat about love to this witch.

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Cause if you do, she will put a curse on you that you might not be able to shake off. Also, she could turn you into a toad or simply kill you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

15. This hotdog is frankly crazy about his valentine.

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And yes, I’m sure it’s a guy. Because, hotdogs are also known as “wieners.” Nothing to suggest here. Not.

16. Man, Cupid can be very nasty with people’s hearts.

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Since he’s got a heart cooking over a camp fire. Hope he doesn’t intend to eat it later. Oh, wait, he’s munching on it right now.

17. “You’re a good egg! Hope you’ll be my valentine!”

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Yes, these are egg people with limbs. And yes, it’s kind of disturbing if you ask me. Hope they don’t end up scrambled.

18. This apple loves her valentine to the core.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

19. If this wolf won’t be your valentine, he’ll blow your house down.

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Of course, being a core means he was once an apple who’s been considerably eaten. But she loves him anyway.

20. Train engineer has eyes for a certain passenger.

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Note how the girl’s showing her legs while sitting on her suitcase. Still, guy needs to keep his eyes on the track at all times.

21. A foxy guy knows what kind of catch you’d be.

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He seems to be looking through the weeds. Nothing creepy about that. Oh, wait, that’s basically stalking.

22. The Big Bad Wolf wants to be Little Red Riding Hood’s valentine.

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So basically the wolf breaking in her grandma’s house, eating her and wearing her clothes was a bad way to handle rejection. Seriously, this valentine is so messed up.

23. “I’m fit to be tied so….be my Valentine!”

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For one, cowboys and Indians weren’t a thing. Also, this valentine seems to make light of Indian atrocities, which is pretty disturbing.

24. “You’re a good skate, Valentine.”

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Though I’m sure any love between these 2 might be strongly one-sided. Given the guy wants to get the hell out. While the girl is like “what gives?”

25. A black girl reads the cards.

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Okay, she’s depicted in a rather offensive racist stereotype. Yeah, not exactly one you’d send to a black person.

26. “You’re just my speed, BIG BOY, an’ I’m sure gonna hold on tight!”

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Girl’s giving a guy a rather suggestive look on that tricycle. Thus, giving the message a rather dirty double meaning.

27. “You’re the model for me. Be my Valentine.”

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This one seems to defy all sense of logic. The frames are hollow. While the painter has a paintbrush like he’s about to paint. How’s that possible?

28. “I aim to tame you, Valentine!”

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Granted, he’s a lion tamer. Yet, he’s got a whip with him. Either he’s using that to subdue his love or he’s into BDSM. Please let it be the latter.

29. “I’d like to haunt you, Valentine.”

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Though this seems less like you’d see in Ghost, and more like you’d see in Harry Potter when Moaning Myrtle shows up. But without the bathroom fixtures in the background.

30. This bear isn’t a bad skate, is he?

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Yet, note that the ice isn’t very sturdy since there’s a hole somewhere. Only a matter of time till the bear falls in.

31. “Warm the ‘COCKLES’ of my heart by being my valentine.”

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The worm seems to have a human face as a rooster towers over it. Not happy where this is heading.

32. “Let’s strike up a match, Valentine!”

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Keep in mind, they’ll probably burn to a crisp. Not to mention, all the other matches in the packet.

33. “To my Valentine, say Yes.”

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Cupid’s whispering in the woman’s ear. While the guy’s looking at the woman’s back and thinking, “Dat ass.” Though I’m sure she’s got her bustle on.

34. “My heart is like a time bomb…”

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Basically ready to burst at any minute. Man, you need to see a doctor. Or the bomb squad.

35. “I’m MUD about you, Valentine!”

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This one just has a flower over a smiling puddle of mud. Not sure how they conduct their relationship.

36. You’d have to have good luck with one’s valentine.

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Yet, getting hit on the head by a giant horseshoe, not so much. Seriously, you might want to see a doctor about that.

37. She’s so cute even the flies love her.

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To be fair, she’s holding toast spread with jelly. Still, you don’t want to attract flies in any capacity.

38. No one likes me. Well, I’ll just eat worms.

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How the hell is this a valentine? Also, who the hell eats worms? That’s disgusting.

39. One’s valentine is the light of their life.

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Here the cat has a pack of matches and a cigarette. Great way to be a good example to the kids. Not.

40. You’d think Bon Jovi received this valentine.

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This one has an arrow through a pillow. And yet, it looks as if it’s bleeding. What the hell?

41. “Picking on you to be my valentine.”

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That doesn’t seem to be a good message. Also, the monkey imagery doesn’t seem to help much. Since they fling feces at each other.

42. “I’ll slave for you, Valentine.”

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Sad how they make a guy willing to do all the chores as a pathetic loser. But to me, it’s an offer worth considering.

43. Lixie loves her candy sticks.

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Though I wonder if she likes something else. Given her suggestive grin at those sticks.

44. He’d like his valentine as a steady diet.

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I understand he wants her as his valentine. But the message can also be suggestive of cannibalism in another point of view.

45. He wants to cement his love.

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Yet, he comes with a mixer. Kind of driving the point too close to home. Seriously, we associate cement with Jimmy Hoffa and the mafia for God’s sake.

46. Don’t mind the jerk at the soda counter.

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The soda jerk guy kind of reminds me of a creepy doll in some horror movie. The girl seems like she’s not wanting his attention either.

47. We go together like leeks and fish.

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Kind of a rather odd pairing. But as long as they have a good relationship, who’s stopping them.

48. “To my Pin-Up Valentine.”

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This alien seems like he’s got some ill intent on his mind. Doesn’t help he’s got gold ears that resemble car horns.

49. Condiment vegetables always belong together.

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Take pickles and cucumbers. Though the pickle is the guy for obvious reasons we best not get into.

50. This cat always prefer girls with cute curls.

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Yeah, I know it seems rather strange. Nonetheless, the girl’s wearing a skimpy outfit and the cat seems to like what he sees. Or is it a dog?

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