Though I usually do postcards before this time, I had some things going on for me during the summer that I didn’t do a lot of blog posts recently. Anyway, this October, my family and I plan on going to Charlotte to see my sister who lives there. We plan to stay for a weekend during the middle of the month. So perhaps I might want to get some old vintage postcards. No, not the ones you normally. More along the lines of those that come across as tacky, insane, weird, or laughably bad. Since we can all use a laugh now and then. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible old timey postcards. Enjoy.
- Need to do a bit of landscaping?
Cause you need the proper lawn implements and extension cord. Doesn’t hurt to do it in Bermuda shorts and flats.
2. Jane Irwill is designed to be lived in.
Jane enjoys singing on the mic. Kim wishes she’d stop and so she can steal the song from under her.
3. Want to advertise? Picture your product here.
Of course, they have to put a woman in a swimsuit for extra sex appeal. So I guess the product advertised here is the air mattress.
4. You can always enjoy going to the laundromat.
Because you can’t necessarily afford a brand new washer and dryer. Hope you have plenty of coins and patience.
5. Nothing makes your day like wearing a colorful hat.
But Susie thinks she looks like an idiot in hers. She wouldn’t even want to be caught dead wearing it at a Jimmy Buffett concert.
6. “Want to see my matching Wrap-Sak?”
She’s talking about the robe. But it comes with a matching head towel to dry one’s hair. Still, despite having perfect hair, she doesn’t seem to like brushing it.
7. You’ll find these shakers easy to use.
Since they contain plastic lids you can easily open and close. Available in 4 different colors.
8. Take a look at these giant airplane controls.
I don’t think these work by the way. But these women seem unusually impressed.
9. Anyone can look sexy in a long fur coat.
Though we in the 21st century don’t really think so unless you’re living in a polar region. Still, the background is atrocious.
10. “Look, Mommy, I can vacuum all by myself.”
Of course, you’d never see me with my mom like that. Because I loathe vacuum cleaners. More like huddling in the corner with my ears covered.
11. “At Heinz we have more than 57 varieties around the world.”
Though the world to them seems shaped like a giant football. Someone must’ve really messed up here.
12. “I just love painting my boat.”
Seriously, I don’t think people like painting anything. Nor do I think a swimsuit and sailor hat are proper painting attire.
13. R & R toys make them in all sizes.
That penguin is way too big for that little girl. But she’s thrilled to have it just the same.
14. Slow down for the Tallahassee Safety Patrol.
So they stare at a wall in long rain coats. You can see they have a token female by looking at their legs.
15. Care for a duck lamp?
Basically depicts a desert rock formation and two male mallard ducks flying. Wonder if anyone thinks they’re a couple. Then again, they could just be good friends.
16. With a propane grill, you can be the most talked about host in the neighborhood.
Maybe in the 1960s this guy might have some pride in his grill. However, I’ve seen way bigger and crazier grills than that at Home Depot.
17. There’s always room for a hairdryer.
Though I don’t think this hairdryer is at all portable. Because I could hold one in my hand.
18. Get women’s attention with a Hollywood Wolf Whistle.
Guess it’s a horn you put on your car. Though I’m not sure if women will go for it.
19. Care for a fancy piggy bank?
Sure these porcelain piggy banks may be pricey and fancy. But they’ll keep your money safe by scaring the hell out of potential robbers.
20. Is your car seats falling apart. Get Shadburn’s Auto Upholstery?
This ad was probably made on a budget. Also, the woman looks more disgusted than anything.
21. 4 Track storm windows will always protect your house.
Presented by a woman who’s not wearing pants. So the viewer can see her legs in high heels and pantyhose.
22. Commemorate your baby’s first shoes by casting them in bronze.
You can sue them as bookends, on picture frames, or on wall displays. Seriously, why would anyone do this?
23. Get the World’s Largest Match Book.
From BAD POSTCARDS: “The name “Dick Sampson” is printed at the bottom right corner making it seem like this gal’s name is Dick. Why the Hawaiian-themed outfit? What’s with that hat/strainer thing? How many matches are in each World’s Largest Match Book? So many questions.”
24. These cushions will make your home a palace.
Maybe a harem considering how the woman’s dressed. And she doesn’t seem too happy wearing her skimpy purple outfit.
25. No one can have enough pillows on the couch.
But Pauline has so many that she can only lie on her couch in this position. Still, they bring a lot of color on a dull gray couch.
26. Any kid would love these fuzz covered plastic creatures.
Maybe the dog in the middle. But the pig and bear seem quite terrifying to me.
27. Display your reports with Rediform.
Who knew business can produce so much happiness? Probably someone who enjoys doing memos. Still, why does Miss Rediform even exist?
28. At Hewlett Packard, we have all kinds of machines.
Though this woman in her lab coat has little idea on how many of these machines work. Since they require all kinds of gears and screws.
29. Any man looks sharp in a gray suit.
Even Trevor the neighborhood psycho killer. Any young woman dating him on any given night is never seen again since.
30. Kids are always proud to stand in their long raincoats.
For these boys like to show off all the different colors. Though a few of them look like they’re dressed in trash bags.
31. Have a pen stand that’ll suit your tastes.
Available in 2 big varieties. One is what can resemble your kid’s art project at school. The other are nightmarish depictions of cartoon characters that can scar you for life.
32. A water softener is a girl’s best friend.
I don’t think most little girls would say that. Since most of them don’t know what the hell a water softener is.
33. Breathing problems? Have this Monaghan Life Saver on you.
This looks like a something you’d attach to a respirator. Wonder if you should just go with an inhaler instead.
34. Christmas is always a time for cheer.
From BAD POSTCARDS: “‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND THE WEIGHT OF SANTA’S CARCASS ON THE ROOF TOTALLY CRUSHED OUR HOUSE.”
35. Take a slice of Ohio Swiss cheese?
The cheese looks like plastic to me. But at least it comes with saltines.
36. Hey, look, twins.
Caption: “A NATIVE ALASKAN DARLING dressed in fur parka, trimmed with white fox and her best friend, a Semoyian Puppy.” Still, I don’t buy the girl being an Alaskan native due to her blue eyes, blond hair, and white skin.
37. Keep your lawn maintained with a red riding mower.
Don’t look now. But Barry’s waving to Myrtle and her son Jack. Little does Jack knows what’s really going on between Barry and his mom.
38. Perhaps you might want something from Australia.
Most of these are stuffed animals. Yet, you’ll find a boomerang and a hat to wear in the Outback. Still, where’s the diggery-doo?
39. Store your ingredients in these Tupperware canisters.
Great for hiding the weed in. But don’t let anyone know that or they’ll call the cops.
40. Any girl would delight in these “Mama” dolls.
On second thought, unless you want to traumatize a little girl in your life, I advise against giving her one of these. Seriously, they’re straight from the realm of nightmares.
41. A straw hat should always have flowers on them.
Yet, none should don a disembodied woman’s head. Because that’s just disturbing. Available in multiple colors and styles.
42. Water your plants with this KWH mistblower.
It’s so safe your kids can use it and look like they’re vanquishing their enemies with space age weapons. Said to have deep penetration, steady output.
43. Got a boring house? Just add awnings.
Actually, the awnings really don’t do anything. Home still looks quite dull. Maybe it needs a paint job.
44. Your lawn can look like this.
Just add a lawn sprinkler and mow it regularly during the warmer months. Well, as long as you live in California. If you live where I do, it’s not necessary. Also, you won’t have palm trees.
45. Reach for the moon.
So they were raising money just so three guys can go to the moon? Just save steadily here, I guess. Seriously, this makes no sense.
46. Any little one would enjoy riding a large polka-dotted horse.
Though the toy horse kind of looks kind of terrifying. Like the purple swan, though.
47. You can’t go boating without a portable minifridge.
Even to today’s minifridges, this is extravagant. Even includes a freezer.
48. Simple Simon goes near the barbs.
From BAD POSTCARDS: “Picking your nose is especially grand/When you have a pipe cleaner for a hand.”
49. “Seeing things in Linden, Tenn.”
They’re basically going with “our town sucks so here are some pictures of cute animals.” At least that’s how I see it.
50. Perhaps you’d like a modern minibar.
It’s basically a desk for alcoholics. Includes a cocktail shaker and shot glasses.
51. Everyone can use some paper towels.
I’ve seen those paper towel dispensers at school. Let’s just say I don’t have nice things to say about them.
52. Dualette Sylvania is the big-screen TV that simply moves with you.
From BAD POSTCARDS: “Carries his portable tube to upscale events. Sexy.”
53. The Tit twins will always boost your business.
BAD POSTCARDS comment: “Amazing. I wanna see one go up in flames when the motor grease drips onto the controller and an overloaded circuit sparks a fire. And it would still be moving .”
54. Greetings from Kansas.
Don’t worry about the coyote at the fence. It’s taxidermy so it won’t hurt you, But it will haunt your dreams.
55. Thin mints or merry mints?
The merry mints come in all kinds of colors. Though I’ll just stick to the thin mints, especially the Girl Scout variety.
56. Nobody could resist a baby doll like this.
For the love of God, kill it with fire. Since I guarantee it’ll haunt your dreams.
57. “Portraits become precious beyond price.”
Here little Emily marvels at all the people she’s killed while she maniacally laughs. It’s a sight of horror that knows no bounds.
58. Someone wants to paint the house today.
But letting a dog help isn’t really a good idea. Still, hope they don’t mistake the paw prints for something more sinister.
59. Perry’s Nuthouse offers free Maine Bear hugs.
Don’t worry the bear here’s made from wood. A real black bear would simply maul you and leave you for dead.
60. This dog is out on the town.
Though the dog’s expression doesn’t match the saying on the post card. Still, like the lamp posts.
61. Perhaps you might want to stay in a hotel room like this.
Man, that’s really tacky. The pink isn’t bad but the wallpaper is just frightful.
62. “I trust Duraclean for my rugs.”
From BAD POSTCARDS comment: “I cherish my French heirloom carpets so much I don’t even let anybody walk on them! ;)”
63. Anyone in the mood for water ski?
By the way, this postcard is from Wisconsin. Yes, Wisconsin. Don’t ask me why.
64. Arachnaphobes, abandon hope all ye enter here.
Because people will be freaked out by a giant spider. This is from an Arizona amusement park.
65. Fall is thrashing time.
Meaning that it’s time to harvest the hay and put them in bales. Still, the scenery doesn’t really excite me.
66. Wonder why nobody’s visiting this campground.
Maybe because there’s a skunk lurking around. Though it only sprays when threatened.
67. This guy better wake up before that pheasant runs away.
Because birds don’t stay around forever. Still, not sure if he can shoot well with a bow and arrow.
68. Feel free to sit on the world’s largest chair.
I’m sure nobody could really sit on it. Still, it’s a great way for this town to attract tourists.
69. Don’t feel bad. Things could be worse.
Not sure about having dogs in jail though. Also, are they supposed to be in Mexico?
70. Sometimes you have to let yourself go.
Though this just overdoes it. Her bra’s even showing from her falling dress.