Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Sixth Edition)

Christmas-Subway-Alt-e1354808663893.jpg

Since Halloween, you find the media practically saturated with Christmas advertising. After all, a tradition of gift giving presents a major capitalistic opportunity no corporation can refuse. So much so that Christmas commercials appear to air in September and you may see Christmas stuff in stores before October’s done. Of course, vintage Christmas advertising was also just as infectious in our public life. I mean how was Dr. Seuss able to create the Grinch? Anyway, out of the Christmas ads that’ll inspire nostalgia, there are some that haven’t aged well that they can sometimes be hilarious. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas vintage ads that will make you scratch your head. Enjoy.

  1. Santa and the Quaker Oats man sit at the fire.
0b0e56da81f365fc11b215afe8763873

Santa’s like, “Are you sure you didn’t put anything in these cookies?” And the Quaker Oats guy is like, “Uh, these are from an old family recipe” with a rather mischievous smirk. Meanwhile little Jimmy watches the whole thing go down.

2. Your little girl would like this any of these baby dolls.

0bbd88d9095c7566a687c0ec6b757f49

I suppose they’re much better looking when you see them in person. Because these dolls come across as incredibly creepy to say the least.

3. Support the war effort. Buy Victor Records.

2c98788177ca975edd27626b013705f8

Though having a record shaped Santa kind of disturbs me. But he doesn’t seem to care.

4. Can’t find a gift? Tom Smith’s Novelties has you covered.

2F94EE1500000578-3371891-image-a-14_1450881662806

Not sure if I should delight in Santa’s smile. It’s like he has, “I see you when you’re sleeping” look that’s freaking me out.

5. Santa Claus soap will keep clothes clean.

5fe62b24b0ec5250fb3f4ad55129bd8a

That girl looks kind of weird like her head’s not in proportion to her body. Kind of reminds me of a statue I saw at St. Vincent.

6. Campbells adds minutes to busy Christmas shopping days.

7ae838795ca9cb724abdd963ee9ff5f2

After all, you need to settle down the little psychos somehow. The boy seems like he wants a carving knife and a BB gun to torture his neighbor’s cat.

7. Make gifts gay the easy way with Texcel Christmas gift tape.

10a28e542a318dcd65e6af3a1226aa53

Really? I thought it was wrapping gifts in flashy wrapping paper that screams something Elton John would use. You might also want to add flamboyant sunglasses.

8. Nothing beats Sealtest Egg Nog.

10c60a4ea3c64523054efb80430a4289

Santa, you have a very busy night. So you might want to drink to much. Don’t want to drink and sleigh ride, right?

9. Reynolds aluminum gift wrap gives Christmas color magic.

89b25e43029cdf53ea5a452984e36eca

Woman marvels on how the presents are wrapped. The guy stands in his robe with a pipe all proud of himself. Though do we really react like that do wrapping paper? No.

10. Seems like GE fridges are really popular this year.

323xmas-770x1024

Santa is nearly up to his knees in letters. Despite that fridges can last for a very long time. Also, I wonder why Santa isn’t this stressed more often.

11. This Christmas take some Santa Claus sugar plums.

800px-Santa_Claus_Sugar_Plums,_1868

This Santa seems less like the jolly fat guy we know and love. And more like a grumpy trucker who’d rather do anything else than deliver presents to kids on Christmas Eve.

12. Need a break during the busy holiday season? Give the kids some soup for lunch.

828ef808d1506bbb41dbe12d912dc7fa

Mom’s a bit stressed by all the Christmas shopping. Her daughter’s just daydreaming about breaking Billy’s legs over winning a penmanship award at school.

13. Best you skip the cookies this year and give Santa some jello instead.

907c780ce33b451a7404d17b23daa6b4

Yet, Santa peeks under the table to find a sleeping child. Still, the jello would’ve melted by the time he came.

14. This Christmas, Lucky Strike has you covered.

920x920

Because nothing says Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Also you’ll age terribly and die early, too.

15. Give her the gift of leisure during our Christmas sale.

1939-premier-vacuum-copy1-400x518

Sorry, but I can’t buy her smile. Vacuums are noise machines. Also, is that a curtain or a fire.

16. Talkative Baby Beans is the hot toy of the season.

1472e7a503238f2d0ce7d84f98fc3cd4

Sure, she may seem innocent. But when you’re asleep, she’ll grab a knife and try to kill you in your sleep. Don’t believe me?

17. Remington Portable is a gift inspiring gratitude.

1925_12_05-1591-400x520

I don’t know about you, but this Santa’s really weird looking. As if he’s a space alien in an ill-fitting human disguise suit.

18. The whole family wants this Dayton Koolfoam pillow.

2307b919507d1c95c13606348f3db6ff

Didn’t know foam pillows existed back then. Yet, I wonder if any in the family will eventually fight over that thing once Christmas is over.

19. Give him shaving pleasure with Gillette.

106187b6832312206e2bb04d762128b8--shaving-set-wet-shaving

Here Santa holds a giant razor that he’ll never use for his own beard. But he does put it on the sleigh that he uses as a snow plow sometimes.

20. Stay young at heart with Watkins Vitamins.

491023c1f7b55a9257b8481d3f21c040

How can a whole family fit on a sled light that? Also, what’s the weight limit? Oh, and watch out for that tree straight ahead.

21. Kris Jingle’s Wonderland of Gifts has everything you need for the season.

655138f1d6ef46f668100bdde7d3a73f

And no, despite what the ad says, that plush toy is not “lovable.” In fact, it’s kind of terrifying.

22. Geoffrey the Giraffe’s having some trouble with the tree.

4844732ca09162f0896fde6a8c198034

He doesn’t seem too happy in his Santa outfit. Unfortunately, Toys “R” Us will end up declaring bankruptcy thanks to private equity. It’s a sad story.

23. Vincent Price selects this ornament set for you.

5915f7453a92fa54cf4fea4f7b639009

I wouldn’t take Christmas advice from Vincent Price. Besides, Christmas isn’t really his holiday, going by the kind of movies he’s done.

 

24. Give her the best. Give her a Hoover.

4159629251_d959c9ea9e_o

Absolutely not. Seriously, no woman wants a vacuum for Christmas. And if I got one from my husband, I’m not sure what I’d do.

25. Create holiday candy fantasies with Karo Syrup.

14516232826_6c9c0f7c1e_b.jpg

Ugh. Those candies look pretty disgusting. Also, who the hell puts peppermint in popcorn?

26. Santa falls off his sleigh and lands in a convertible.

a6a06583adad19633ac3388e5893e674

For Christ’s sake, that’s just really dangerous. Seriously, why would Santa do this? I mean he could be killed for God’s sake. Also, is that car moving?

27. Borden’s eggnog hits the spot.

a8b23152c209d9532bc8231f08ff891f

You can tell because the cow is totally wasted. I mean look at her face.

28. Now that you found the perfect tree, put the perfect gift under it.

adcba995c3c44b90aaff8a8be2a874a5

Uh, how big is this guy’s house? Seriously, he must have skyscraper high ceilings because that tree looks so freaking huge. Then again, he might use it for the outdoors.

29. This Christmas, give someone the gift of Gab.

b3d614040c6884ed17e9e943ed843f38

Actually, these phones won’t do you any good in the 21st century unless your giftee liked antiques. Since they’re basically obsolete.

30. Need a boost in Christmas preparations. Try Borden’s instant coffee.

b4a0134998bf10a54f7afad8a6b83327

You mean they made coffee, too? Also, she seems to host a party with a lot of smaller people there.

31. Celebrate the season with Johnny Walker Red.

b25e6e08dacc7e8000a45011ea7bd1dd

Here he’s trying out his Santa suit. The pants are too big for him. Still, not in front of the kids.

32. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer wants you to buy GE appliances.

53045336d490945c39fb2ea7bd845440

Yet, they have Stan the Snowman near a toaster oven. You know what happens to snow when it’s near a heat source.

33. Santa goes for Whitman’s chocolates.

d499bcd1b9097036e57777fde0b3c27f

There’s something disturbing about Santa here. As if he’s hogging the candy for himself. Seriously, Santa, those are supposed to be for the kids.

34. Nintendo sends high-powered greetings.

Dtv6_73UUAAS7kx

And yes, their sleigh’s powered by rockets. Shove it, flying reindeer. This is the future.

35. You can take a White Horse anywhere. Even the North Pole.

e7c2b87a4e77ead85b56d608fe9871a5

But that doesn’t mean a white horse will fit in among the reindeer. Sorry, Shadowfax. I know how you’ve been struggling with employment since Gandalf left for the Gray Havens.

36. Thirst knows no season.

e8c30e3c312157bf3448c4028f427b2d

Still, I don’t think those pants will keep you warm in the snow when you’re out skiing. Sher may be even possibly drunk. Also, her scarf looks way too long.

37. Edison Christmas lights are perfectly safe.

ecab24042d52ec47b2aaf0d2878fbe6b

Santa’s like, “I haven’t seen these lights before.” Still, considering that these lights produce no smell, smoke, or grease, what were people lighting their trees with before electric lights came in? Oh, gas or candles. That explains it.

38. Anyone want a fruitcake?

f0f3e804ef63d107e269cdf2d12522b9

On second thought, kill this terrifying creature. Kill it with fire. Seriously, that thing just freaks me out and belongs in a horror movie as the character killing everyone.

39. Prince Albert always makes a great gift for smokers.

f83a7cd9647d4c5a15669f82f5136751

Seriously, Santa? It doesn’t. Prince Albert is tobacco. Tobacco causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, don’t give anyone tobacco products on Christmas.

40. Nothing makes a Christmas like getting a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

harley

Apparently, this garden gnome seems to think so. Also, motorcycles don’t make great gifts. They’re expensive, guzzle gas, and give riders some crazy fantasies that automatically scream either safety hazard or midlife crisis.

41. This Christmas, give your loved ones a Kodak Pocket.

il_570xN.1746414633_rco7

It’s one thing for Santa to see you when you’re sleeping. It’s a who other ball came for Santa to take pictures of you. God, he looks incredibly creepy. Please don’t let him in.

42. Peace is a gift to the nation.

peace-to-the-nation

Seems like Santa, Uncle Sam, and the WWI soldier are sitting on top of each other. Considering Santa’s weight, I don’t think that’s great for Uncle Sam or the other guy.

43. This season, send your child a personalized letter from Santa.

SantaLetter

I know this is a web ad. But the Santa here just seems kind of freaky. Also, many kids will recognize their parents’ handwriting.

44. Santa is swamped with toaster orders this year.

toeastmaster santa ad

You can see the tired look on his face. Still, toasters can also last a pretty long time. So everyone wanting one in one year doesn’t seem to make sense.

45. Open the wrapper and cookies fly out.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (1)

These chef guys appear to be fighting over what was in that package. Yet, why they wear chef’s hats and tuxedos, I don’t have the slightest idea.

46. Try some long-lasting Rowntrees fruit gums.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (2)

Okay, that kid with the crown’s giving me nightmares. Seriously, his eyes suggest that he died inside a long time ago, especially since he’s just a disembodied head.

47. With car seating like this, your little one will fall fast asleep.

Vintage Christmas Advertisements from the 1940s (23)

The adults are like, “She’s asleep. Let’s put her in the garage, tie her up, and ask for a ransom from her wealthy parents. We’ll be so rich.”

48. Chesterfields are always a fine gift for the season.

vintage-christmas-cigarette-ad-30

No, Santa, they are not. Smoking is very bad for you. It causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, tobacco use is a public health crisis.

49. Nothing makes a man excited like a bottle of Guinness in his stocking.

vintage-old-advertising-adertisements-christmas-funny-xmas-santa-017

Apparently, this seems like an adult’s fantasy Christmas. Kids get excited by toys. Adults want cash, booze, clothes, and useful things they don’t have to pay for.

50. Need a gift idea? Try giving Lucky Strikes.

Weird-Vintage-Christmas-Ads-17

Because no gift keeps giving like lung cancer, COPD, and heart disease. Seriously, you’re giving them an early death. Don’t do it.

51. Make your Christmas the brightest with GE.

D49

Here Santa surfs on a large Christmas light. But when it’s out, all the lights are out.

52. When your boyfriend gives you a gift you’re not sure you like.

0b3a92458b014692622012885c1cf85c

She got cosmetics but they weren’t her brand. But she makes out with her boyfriend to show her appreciation anyway.

53. Gillette brings speedy Christmas shaving.

1_jvIaYVIulqR29bCOulXpdQ

Uh, Santa doesn’t shave his beard, doesn’t he? Also, I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by his smile.

54. Couples should always decorate for Christmas together.

2af65782392b1897462ffcffa90ed1f9

Yet, why do they have to hang a wreath while in stylish evening wear. And right before visitors arrive, too. Why?

55. “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is brought to you by Dolley Madison and Coca Cola.

74c1423cf958631b381487b0a248cee2

Uh, doesn’t “A Charlie Brown Christmas” criticize yuletide commercialization? Good grief.

56. Santa Claus gives out the candy.

240cdee02eb52aa4169029f39e778c74

Apparently, Santa doesn’t seem too happy about this. Since he wants all the candy to himself.

57. Guys will love these interwoven socks.

1948-m-interwoven-socks-copy1-400x511

Despite that plain white socks will do just fine. In fact, he’ll probably prefer them anyway. Compared to these fancy colors and patterns.

58. “Now that’s my new favorite camel.”

paul_jones_xmas3

Apparently, this camel talks when the guy’s near the liquor store. Also this is for whiskey.

59. This Christmas treat your man right to 4 Roses.

1952-four-roses-whiskey-ad-any-man-s-doorway

Unless he’s going through a 12 step. Nonetheless, this suggests that if you want to make your man happy, give him booze. Kind of sexist if you think about it.

60. This Christmas get Howard Zink car seat covers.

63d566c1c397686aa55fd99c83b538a2

Available in red. Still, this cover is really ugly come to think of it. Seems more like a couch mated with a suitcase.

61. This Christmas, give her the gift she’ll never forget.

4204109182_822ebc8546

A Cadillac, everyone. Recommended as a gift by sugar daddies to their gorgeously kept women.

62. Calvert Reserve makes a great adult stocking stuffer.

l-tux1idrxwcib9m

Actually it’s whiskey so may not be good for an AA member. Also, never get a puppy for Christmas. It’s at least a 10 year commitment.

63. It’s always fun to ride the New York Central on Christmas.

NYCFun64

Actually, Christmas travel isn’t really that fun. Also, Santa, you don’t touch kids that way. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

64. Women love a Santa who gives them lingerie.

Christmas Ads From LIFE Magazine in the 1950s (19)

Are they kissing a man or each other? If a man, is it the same man? If the same man, please keep as far apart from each other as possible.

65. Nothing beats better holiday underwear than Fruit of the Loom.

untitled

This one depicts 3 men and a boy in their underwear. Which would never happen under normal circumstances anywhere. Please let them be family.

66. Keep her young and pretty with an electric massage vibrator this Christmas.

vibratorlarge

This is a beauty product that’s incredibly expensive. But modern women don’t use vibrators as beauty enhancements these days.

67. Santa pops out from the boxes.

7f6d231abe0bcd19ffdaeb608614d857--christmas-ad-christmas-graphics

For one, how is that possible? Second, why does that woman seem more intrigued than frantically running to the door?

68. Don’t miss the fun of smoking this Christmas.

tobacco-ads4

For the fun is only fleeting until one of you gets cancer and dies. Seriously, better to miss the fun smoking. Even with Pall Mall or any brand.

69. Attention men, give your wife a dishwasher for Christmas this year.

Dec-1966-Attention-men-Get-her-a-dishwasher-for-Christmas-750x1554

Well, that’s definitely a good idea. But does the pitch have to be this sexist?

70. Who needs mistletoe when you have Johnny Walker Red?

xmas-advert-1974

Okay, this one has a lot of very unfortunate implications. Then again, it might depend who’s receiving it, which is probably a man. But I don’t like where this is going.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s