Santa’s like, “Are you sure you didn’t put anything in these cookies?” And the Quaker Oats guy is like, “Uh, these are from an old family recipe” with a rather mischievous smirk. Meanwhile little Jimmy watches the whole thing go down.

I suppose they’re much better looking when you see them in person. Because these dolls come across as incredibly creepy to say the least.

Though having a record shaped Santa kind of disturbs me. But he doesn’t seem to care.

Not sure if I should delight in Santa’s smile. It’s like he has, “I see you when you’re sleeping” look that’s freaking me out.

That girl looks kind of weird like her head’s not in proportion to her body. Kind of reminds me of a statue I saw at St. Vincent.

After all, you need to settle down the little psychos somehow. The boy seems like he wants a carving knife and a BB gun to torture his neighbor’s cat.

Really? I thought it was wrapping gifts in flashy wrapping paper that screams something Elton John would use. You might also want to add flamboyant sunglasses.

Santa, you have a very busy night. So you might want to drink to much. Don’t want to drink and sleigh ride, right?

Woman marvels on how the presents are wrapped. The guy stands in his robe with a pipe all proud of himself. Though do we really react like that do wrapping paper? No.

Santa is nearly up to his knees in letters. Despite that fridges can last for a very long time. Also, I wonder why Santa isn’t this stressed more often.

This Santa seems less like the jolly fat guy we know and love. And more like a grumpy trucker who’d rather do anything else than deliver presents to kids on Christmas Eve.

Mom’s a bit stressed by all the Christmas shopping. Her daughter’s just daydreaming about breaking Billy’s legs over winning a penmanship award at school.

Yet, Santa peeks under the table to find a sleeping child. Still, the jello would’ve melted by the time he came.

Because nothing says Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Also you’ll age terribly and die early, too.

Sorry, but I can’t buy her smile. Vacuums are noise machines. Also, is that a curtain or a fire.

Sure, she may seem innocent. But when you’re asleep, she’ll grab a knife and try to kill you in your sleep. Don’t believe me?

I don’t know about you, but this Santa’s really weird looking. As if he’s a space alien in an ill-fitting human disguise suit.

Didn’t know foam pillows existed back then. Yet, I wonder if any in the family will eventually fight over that thing once Christmas is over.

Here Santa holds a giant razor that he’ll never use for his own beard. But he does put it on the sleigh that he uses as a snow plow sometimes.

How can a whole family fit on a sled light that? Also, what’s the weight limit? Oh, and watch out for that tree straight ahead.

And no, despite what the ad says, that plush toy is not “lovable.” In fact, it’s kind of terrifying.

He doesn’t seem too happy in his Santa outfit. Unfortunately, Toys “R” Us will end up declaring bankruptcy thanks to private equity. It’s a sad story.

I wouldn’t take Christmas advice from Vincent Price. Besides, Christmas isn’t really his holiday, going by the kind of movies he’s done.

Absolutely not. Seriously, no woman wants a vacuum for Christmas. And if I got one from my husband, I’m not sure what I’d do.

Ugh. Those candies look pretty disgusting. Also, who the hell puts peppermint in popcorn?

For Christ’s sake, that’s just really dangerous. Seriously, why would Santa do this? I mean he could be killed for God’s sake. Also, is that car moving?

You can tell because the cow is totally wasted. I mean look at her face.

Uh, how big is this guy’s house? Seriously, he must have skyscraper high ceilings because that tree looks so freaking huge. Then again, he might use it for the outdoors.

Actually, these phones won’t do you any good in the 21st century unless your giftee liked antiques. Since they’re basically obsolete.

You mean they made coffee, too? Also, she seems to host a party with a lot of smaller people there.

Here he’s trying out his Santa suit. The pants are too big for him. Still, not in front of the kids.

Yet, they have Stan the Snowman near a toaster oven. You know what happens to snow when it’s near a heat source.

There’s something disturbing about Santa here. As if he’s hogging the candy for himself. Seriously, Santa, those are supposed to be for the kids.

And yes, their sleigh’s powered by rockets. Shove it, flying reindeer. This is the future.

But that doesn’t mean a white horse will fit in among the reindeer. Sorry, Shadowfax. I know how you’ve been struggling with employment since Gandalf left for the Gray Havens.

Still, I don’t think those pants will keep you warm in the snow when you’re out skiing. Sher may be even possibly drunk. Also, her scarf looks way too long.

Santa’s like, “I haven’t seen these lights before.” Still, considering that these lights produce no smell, smoke, or grease, what were people lighting their trees with before electric lights came in? Oh, gas or candles. That explains it.

On second thought, kill this terrifying creature. Kill it with fire. Seriously, that thing just freaks me out and belongs in a horror movie as the character killing everyone.

Seriously, Santa? It doesn’t. Prince Albert is tobacco. Tobacco causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, don’t give anyone tobacco products on Christmas.

Apparently, this garden gnome seems to think so. Also, motorcycles don’t make great gifts. They’re expensive, guzzle gas, and give riders some crazy fantasies that automatically scream either safety hazard or midlife crisis.

It’s one thing for Santa to see you when you’re sleeping. It’s a who other ball came for Santa to take pictures of you. God, he looks incredibly creepy. Please don’t let him in.

Seems like Santa, Uncle Sam, and the WWI soldier are sitting on top of each other. Considering Santa’s weight, I don’t think that’s great for Uncle Sam or the other guy.

I know this is a web ad. But the Santa here just seems kind of freaky. Also, many kids will recognize their parents’ handwriting.

You can see the tired look on his face. Still, toasters can also last a pretty long time. So everyone wanting one in one year doesn’t seem to make sense.

These chef guys appear to be fighting over what was in that package. Yet, why they wear chef’s hats and tuxedos, I don’t have the slightest idea.

Okay, that kid with the crown’s giving me nightmares. Seriously, his eyes suggest that he died inside a long time ago, especially since he’s just a disembodied head.

The adults are like, “She’s asleep. Let’s put her in the garage, tie her up, and ask for a ransom from her wealthy parents. We’ll be so rich.”

No, Santa, they are not. Smoking is very bad for you. It causes cancer and kills people. For God’s sake, tobacco use is a public health crisis.

Apparently, this seems like an adult’s fantasy Christmas. Kids get excited by toys. Adults want cash, booze, clothes, and useful things they don’t have to pay for.

Because no gift keeps giving like lung cancer, COPD, and heart disease. Seriously, you’re giving them an early death. Don’t do it.

Here Santa surfs on a large Christmas light. But when it’s out, all the lights are out.

She got cosmetics but they weren’t her brand. But she makes out with her boyfriend to show her appreciation anyway.

Uh, Santa doesn’t shave his beard, doesn’t he? Also, I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by his smile.

Yet, why do they have to hang a wreath while in stylish evening wear. And right before visitors arrive, too. Why?

Uh, doesn’t “A Charlie Brown Christmas” criticize yuletide commercialization? Good grief.

Apparently, Santa doesn’t seem too happy about this. Since he wants all the candy to himself.

Despite that plain white socks will do just fine. In fact, he’ll probably prefer them anyway. Compared to these fancy colors and patterns.

Apparently, this camel talks when the guy’s near the liquor store. Also this is for whiskey.

Unless he’s going through a 12 step. Nonetheless, this suggests that if you want to make your man happy, give him booze. Kind of sexist if you think about it.

Available in red. Still, this cover is really ugly come to think of it. Seems more like a couch mated with a suitcase.

A Cadillac, everyone. Recommended as a gift by sugar daddies to their gorgeously kept women.

Actually it’s whiskey so may not be good for an AA member. Also, never get a puppy for Christmas. It’s at least a 10 year commitment.

Actually, Christmas travel isn’t really that fun. Also, Santa, you don’t touch kids that way. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

Are they kissing a man or each other? If a man, is it the same man? If the same man, please keep as far apart from each other as possible.

This one depicts 3 men and a boy in their underwear. Which would never happen under normal circumstances anywhere. Please let them be family.

This is a beauty product that’s incredibly expensive. But modern women don’t use vibrators as beauty enhancements these days.

For one, how is that possible? Second, why does that woman seem more intrigued than frantically running to the door?

For the fun is only fleeting until one of you gets cancer and dies. Seriously, better to miss the fun smoking. Even with Pall Mall or any brand.

Well, that’s definitely a good idea. But does the pitch have to be this sexist?

Okay, this one has a lot of very unfortunate implications. Then again, it might depend who’s receiving it, which is probably a man. But I don’t like where this is going.