A Treasury of Forgotten Fairy Tales: Part 3 – East of Sun and West of Moon to Gold Tree and Silver Tree

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As you can see, most of the forgotten fairy tales you see will come from Europe. Indeed, Eurocentrism is part of it since there are plenty of fairy tales around the world that you never hear about. However, we have to keep in mind that fairy tales have always originated through oral tradition that’s passed on to generations. And it takes a long time for someone to write these stories down. In this installment in my blog series, I bring you another 10 forgotten fairy tales. First, are two Norwegian tales with monstrous beasts and amazing supernatural elements. Second, we have an Italian story about a merchant’s son who’s too generous for his own good. Third, is an English tale of a woman who becomes a royal servant in drag. After that we have two Russian stories with magical creatures and mystical lands. Next, are 3 Grimm tales about a man who tries cheating death, a golden goose, and a golden mountain. Lastly, is a Scottish version of Snow White that ends with a threesome and contains no dwarves whatsoever.

21. East of Sun and West of Moon

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The Norwegian tale East of Sun West of Moon opens when a white bear offers to fix a poor family’s situation in exchange for the youngest daughter. Indeed, he has a nice castle and the girl’s got a nice life save with that awkward sleeping situation.

From: Norway
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Peter Christen Asbjørnsen and Jorgen Moe. Though this might be the Norwegian version of Eros and Psyche from Greek mythology.
Best Known Version: Obviously, the Asbjørnsen and Moe version.
Synopsis: A white bear offers to take a poor family’s youngest child to fix their situation. The parents accept and the bear takes the young girl to a castle where a man slept in the same room as her at night in the dark. As such, she can’t see who it was. When she’s homesick, he lets her go home on the condition that she can’t stay with her mom alone. Of course, the girl doesn’t listen and takes a magic candle from her mom. When she returned to the castle, she’s able to see the face of the man who’s been visiting her bed at night who was actually the bear. After he yells at her and is revealed to be a handsome prince the whole time, his troll stepmother takes him away to marry a troll princess. But before leaving, he tells her that he’ll be at a land East of Sun and West of Moon.

So the girl sets off to find him, meeting a woman and her daughter along the way. The woman gives her a golden apple and lets her borrow a horse. She meets another woman who gives her a golden carding comb. While a third woman gives her a golden spinning will and tells her that she should find the east wind who might take her to her destination. But the east wind couldn’t help her as he never blew that far and suggest she visit the west wind. After the west wind gives her the same answer, she goes to the south and finally, north wind. The girl then gives up all her golden items to a princess in exchange for a night with the prince. But she couldn’t wake him the first 2 nights.

Eventually the servants tell him about the girl and he tosses away a drink (actually a sleeping potion) from the princess that night. In the end, the girl defeats the trolls by washing out the tallow from one of the prince’s shirts because the prince refused to marry a girl who couldn’t do something so simple. The trolls explode and everyone lives happily ever after.

Other Versions: Some versions have her knowing that she’s trying to break a curse. Sometimes she’s even told not to look at him for a few more nights and is given a cure by a wise woman who turns out to be the troll stepmother. Swedish version is “Prince Hat under the Ground.” Included in Andrew Lang’s The Blue Fairy Book.
Adaptations: Novels East by Edith Pattou and Once Upon a Winter’s Night by Dennis L. McKiernan. Also, ICE by Sarah Beth Durst which inserts some Inuit imagery. There’s even an adaptation by Mercer Mayer.
Why Forgotten: It’s popular in Norway. But it’s hardly mainstream. Perhaps the weird sleeping situation has something to do with it.
Trivia: N/A

22. Fair Brow
From: Italy
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Frederick Thomas Crane in Italian Popular Tales.
Best Known Version: Probably the Crane translation.
Synopsis: A merchant sends out his son, Fair Brow with some money to trade. He blows that on paying off a dead man’s debts so he can be buried. The merchant gives him another sum, which he spends on a kidnapped slave whom he marries. Thus, since Fair Brow’s too altruistic for his dad’s bottom line, the merchant throws him out and he can’t work. Luckily his wife’s an artist who has him sell her paintings but warns him not to tell anyone who paints them. Unfortunately, some Turks recognize them as the Sultan’s daughter work, trick Fair Brow into revealing his wife’s identity, and abduct her once more. He goes east and meets an old man who asks him to go fishing with him. A storm carries them off to Turkey where they’re enslaved as the Sultan’s gardeners. His wife recognizes him and they run off with her maids and much treasure. The old man demands half share for both the gold and the wife. But Fair Brow insists he takes the larger share of the treasure instead. The old man reveals he’s the ghost of the man he buried and leaves him with all the treasure before vanishing. They return home. Fair Brow’s dad comes to live with them and dies shortly afterward after making him his heir.

Other Versions: Italo Calvino has a variant in his Italian Folk Tales.
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: It’s kind of specific to the region while it also involves bad Middle Eastern stereotypes.
Trivia: N/A

23. The Famous Flower of Serving Men

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In the English The Famous Flower of the Serving Men, a young woman dresses in drag and gets a job at the palace as a chamberlain. Though it’s only a matter of time when she gets the king’s attention.

From: England
Earliest Appearance: Child Ballad #106. Collected by Francis Child.
Best Known Version: Probably Child’s version.
Synopsis: A woman’s husband and child are murdered by her mother’s knights. After the funeral, she dresses herself as a man and works for the king, where she eventually becomes his chamberlain (essentially the masculine equivalent of a chambermaid). One day, the king goes hunting where a white hind leads him into the forest. The king reaches a clearing, the deer vanishes and a bird appears (the personification of the woman’s dead husband) lamenting what’s happened to his love. The king asks why and the bird tells his story. Realizing he no longer had to question his sexuality when his favorite “chamberlain” was in the room, he kisses the still dressed as a man servant in front of the assembled court to their shock. The woman’s mother is put to death and the two marry.

Other Versions: Child’s version has the woman lament her fate during the king’s hunting trip and a servant overhears it. Some have the woman’s mother her stepmother.
Adaptations: Well, it’s been covered a lot.
Why Forgotten: Though the protagonist is a woman disguised as a man, the title might drive off some who may not be comfortable with the LGBT community. Also, contains a grisly murder scene.
Trivia: N/A

24. The Feather of Finist the Falcon

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In the Russian tale, The Feather of Finist the Falcon, a merchant’s daughter is given to marry a falcon. Actually, the falcon is quite nice. But the sisters, not so much.

From: Russia
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Alexander Afanasyev in Narodnye russkie skazki.
Best Known Version: The Afanasyev version obviously.
Synopsis: Before going to the fair, a merchant asks his three daughters what they want him to bring back. The two plain, nasty, and vain older sisters asked for rich gifts. The pretty and nice youngest daughter asks for a red flower to put at her window. Twice he remembered to bring the expensive gifts but forgot about the flower. He remembered the third time but couldn’t find one anywhere at the fair. On the way home, he meets an old man who had one for the future bride of his son, Finist the Falcon. The merchant gets it only on the condition his daughter marry his son.

After her dad explains the whole situation, the daughter agrees to marry if he wooed her. That night, a falcon flew into her room and transformed into a handsome prince. He gave her a feather which would conjure whatever she wished. As her sisters went to Mass the next day in all their finery, she waited until they were gone before summoning a coach and fine attire and herself. Even her own family didn’t recognize her. But when she returned home early and sent away her treasures, she forgot to remove a diamond ornament from her hair. Her envious sisters tell their dad that she must’ve taken a secret sugar daddy. When he didn’t listen, they roofie their sister with sleeping potion and put knives in the window so the falcon is badly injured. Thinking his fiancee caused this, the falcon curses the girl, “My beautiful dearest, hast thou ceased so soon to love me? Never shalt thou see me again unless thou searchest through three times nine countries, to the thirtieth Tsardom, and thou shalt first wear through three pairs of iron shoes, and break in pieces three iron staves, and gnaw away three holy church-loaves of stone. Only then shalt thou find thy lover, Finist the Falcon!”

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After her sisters put knives in Finist the Falcon’s wings, the girl sets off to find him. Here she overlooks an immense castle.

The girl sees the blood the next morning and remembers hearing the words in her sleep. She has the shoes, staves, and bread made out and sets out to look for him. Along the way, he meets 3 of Finist’s elderly relatives, telling her he was due to marry and give her magic trinkets as a wedding gifts. Reaching the Tsardom of Finist’s new bride, the daughter finds a servant unable to wash the blood out of Finist’s shirt. But her own tears of sorrow washed it clean, attracting his bride’s attention. The daughter gets a job as a scullery maid, but even then, she couldn’t catch Finist’s eye. The cruel and greedy bride offered to trade her 3 nights to sit up by him, each bought with one of the 3 trinkets. Each night, the daughter weeps and begs over Finist’s bedside. But the bride had put an enchanted pin in Finist’s hair so he wouldn’t wake up. Despairing on the third night, she leaned over to kiss him removing the pin for fear it might him. He wakes up and is joyfully reunited with his beloved. The next day, Finist summoned all to court and asked whether he should marry the woman who bought him or the one who sold him. All agree he should be with the former so he marries the daughter.

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Reaching the castle, the girl gets a job as a scullery maid and bribes Finist’s fiancée 3 times in order to see the guy. The first 2 he’s sleeping in his bed. On the third night, she removes the pin keeping him out.

Other Versions: In some versions, the girl goes to her dad, goes to church with Finist in all her finery, and has her sisters talk about seeing a prince and princess there. The girl confesses and marries Finist.
Adaptations: Retold by Josepha Sherman as The Shining Falcon. Also made into a Russian film.
Why Forgotten: Well, it’s popular in Russia. Nonetheless, there’s a scene of violence involving knives at a window.
Trivia: N/A

25. The Fire Bird, the Horse of Power, and the Princess Vasilissa

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In the Russian tale, The Firebird, the Horse of Power, and the Princess Vasilissa, a Tsar sends an archer and his wonder horse on a series of impossible tasks. Of course, the horse does all the work.

From: Russia
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Alexander Afanasyev in Narodnye russkie skazki.
Best Known Version: Probably the Afanasyev version.
Synopsis: One of the Tsar’s archers had a horse of power. One day riding through the forest, he saw a marvelous feather which he knew must’ve been shed by the legendary Firebird. Despite the horse’s warnings to not pick it up, he does so anyway, thinking the tsar would reward him. But the tsar demanded that he bring back the whole firebird or lose his head. Terrified, the archer asks the horse what to do. On its advice, he requests that 100 maize sacks be spread over a field at night. The firebird arrives at dawn as he and the horse capture it. But as soon as he arrives with his price, the king sends him on another quest to go to the world’s very edge and bring back Princess Vasilissa as his bride. At the horse’s advice, the archer asks for a silver tent with a golden roof along with food for the journey. He rides to her land, sets up a tent, and spread out the food. When the princess arrives out of curiosity, the archer invites her to eat and drink. She drank and falls asleep, he carries her off on the horse.

Despite such treatment, Vasilissa prefers the handsome young archer to the old and greedy tsar. So she refuses to marry him without her wedding dress which was still in her own country and still hidden in the sea besides. Again, the king dispatches the archer who rode to the world’s edge on his horse. On the shore, the horse waited until it could get between the enormous lobster and the sea before stepping on its tail and not letting it go until it agreed to bring up the wedding dress. After his return, Vasilissa still wouldn’t wed until the archer had been boiled alive as punishment for abducting her. Terrified, he asks to see his horse one last time, but the horse advises him to submit. The princess waves her hand over the boiling cauldron. The archer plunges in and comes out unharmed and even handsomer than before. The tsar jumps in afterwards and boils to death. After the funeral, the archer becomes tsar in his place, marries Vasilissa, and built a nice stable for his horse to show his gratitude.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: Adapted into a Soviet cartoon called Ivan and His Magic Pony.
Why Forgotten: Let’s just say, the fact the princess requests the archer dive into a boiling cauldron will certainly scare the crap out of you. Luckily, he’s fine. But the Tsar should’ve really taken the Don’t Try This at Home disclaimer very seriously. Then again, that was Princess Vasilissa’s intention. Also, it’s from Russia. Not to mention Princess Vasilissa wouldn’t fit in a Disney movie as she manipulates her way to get the man she wants.
Trivia: N/A

26. The Giant Who Had No Heart in His Body

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In The Giant Who Had No Heart in His Body, a young prince sets off to find his brothers after they and their new wives end up petrified. There he meets a hostage princess and they conspire to get rid of the giant.

From: Norway
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Peter Christen Asbjørnsen and Jorgen Moe.
Best Known Version: Asbjørnsen and Jorgen Moe’s version, obviously.
Synopsis: A king has 7 sons who he loves very much that he always had to keep one of them with him. One day, he sends the older 6 to find brides and directed to bring back a seventh for their little brother. The brothers met a king with 6 daughters who were so lovely that they forgot about their brother. On the way back, they pass too closely by a giant’s home. And the giant turned them all into stone. Seeing that his brothers didn’t return, the king wanted his youngest to never leave. But the prince finally persuaded him and set out. He gave his food to a raven, helped a salmon back into the river, and gave his horse to a starving wolf on the condition it help him as his steed. The wolf brought him to the giant’s house, showed him his brothers and their brides and told him where to go and do whatever the princess instructed him.

The princess warned him that the giant didn’t keep his heart in his body so he couldn’t be killed the usual way. Rather, she had him hide and begged the giant to tell him where his heart was. He claimed it was under the door sill. But when she and the prince dug there the next day, they find nothing. The princess adorned it with flowers and told the giant it was to honor the place where his heart lay. The giant told her it was in the cupboard, which was the same. And the princess strewed the flowers again. Finally, he tells her: “Far, far away in a lake lies an island; on that island stands a church; in that church is a well; in that well swims a duck; in that duck there is an egg, and in that egg there lies my heart, — you darling!” With the assistance of the wolf, salmon, and raven, the prince gets the heart. He squeezes it and demands that the giant his brothers and brides. The giant refuses. So the prince squeezes the heart in half and kills him. They all return to their dad. While the youngest prince marries the princess the giant held hostage, who was the prettiest one of all.

Other Versions: Included in Ruth Manning Sanders’ A Book of Giants. A harsher version has the prince split and eat the giant’s heart and use its head as a trophy.
Adaptations: Retold by George MacDonald as “The Giant’s Heart.”
Why Forgotten: This basically involves a guy stumbling to a house outside of town where he falls in with some other guy’s wife and they conspire to kill her husband. Granted, the giant really deserves it, but yeah it’s kind of unsettling how similar the plot is to movies like Double Indemnity and The Postman Always Rings Twice.
Trivia: Has a variant in a Mario video game.

27. Godfather Death

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The Grimms’ Godfather Death is about the Grim Reaper taking a young man under his wing and helping him to become a doctor. But when he tries to cheat death is when the trouble starts.

From: Germany
Earliest Appearance: Collected by the Grimm Brothers.
Best Known Version: The Grimm Brothers’ version is the most famous.
Synopsis: A poor man has his 13th child. And since he’s already asked every suitable candidate he knows to be godparents to his other 12 kids, finding one for his newborn son is a serious problem that he’s eventually asking random strangers he meets on the road. After meeting God and the Devil and rejecting them as godfathers, the man meets a stranger claiming he’s Death and would like to be his son’s godfather. This time, the man accepts.

When the boy comes of age, Death visits and declares he’s going to make his godson a famous physician. Showing him a magic herb, he tells the young man that whenever he’ll visit a patient, he’ll see Death standing at the sick person’s head or feet. If Death stood on the head, the patient can be cured. But if he stood at the bed’s foot end, well, that one gonna die. Armed with this knowledge, the young man becomes a famous and wealthy doctor. One day, the physician is called to cure the king. But Death stands at the king’s feet. Yet, because the sick man is a king, the doctor turns the bed around so that Death could stand at the head. The trick works and the king gets better.

However, Death is super pissed for his godson tricking him. He lets it slide but only with a warning that if he does it again, he’ll take the doctor’s life. Not long after, the princess falls ill. The king promise his daughter’s hand in marriage and inheritance of the crown to the physician if he could cure her. But when the doctor sees the princess, he sees Death at her feet. Ignoring this and wanting to marry the princess and get her dad’s sweet kingdom so badly, the physician turns the bed so princess can get better. But Death grabs the doctor by the arm and drags him to a cave with millions of candles each burned to different lengths. Death explains that each candle’s length shows how much longer a person has to live. When Death shows the physician his candle, the doctor notices that It’s very short. So he doesn’t have much time left.

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After reviving the princess when she should’ve died, Death brings the physician to a cave of candles. Each candle represents each person and the longer it is, the longer the person will live. Still, if you think the hero in this tale gets a happy ending, you’re sorely mistaken.

The physician pleads with his godfather to light him a new candle so he’d live a long and happy life as a king and husband to a beautiful princess. He then walks to his child’s candle and tries to make it his own. But Death says he can’t for if one must be lit, one must go out. The physician begs that he take out one candle to light a new one. Death obeys. He walks to the physician’s candle and looks at it. But just as he’s about to light a new candle, Death lifts his scythe and the boy’s candle goes out. And the physician falls dead to the ground as Death whispers, “You once looked for the most righteous one to be the godfather of your child, but at the Bed of Death you betrayed that and instead grasped for the life of another. Now sleep my unwise apprentice.”

Other Versions: A later Grimm edition has Death pretending to light the candles and failing on purpose, killing the doctor. Other cultural variants exist in Poland, Lithuania, Ireland, and Mexico.
Adaptations: Adapted into an Anne Sexton poem.
Why Forgotten: You know how many of these fairy tales where the hero marries the princess and inherits the kingdom? Well, the hero in this one doesn’t.
Trivia: N/A

28. The Golden Goose

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In The Golden Goose, an idiot villager finds a golden goose in s tree stump. However, whoever else touches it ends up stuck.

From: Germany
Earliest Appearance: Collected by the Grimm Brothers.
Best Known Version: Grimm’s version is the most famous.
Synopsis: A man has 3 sons with the youngest a “fool” who’s continually abused. One day, the older sons go out to cut wood and are rude to a little old man who asked them to their food. Both of them cut themselves so badly they had to return home. The youngest asks to go, too. Yet, unlike his older brothers, he actually shares his food. The old man points to a tree to chop down and found a goose with golden feathers down to its roots when he did. The youngest takes the goose to the inn where he stays for the night. When one of the innkeeper’s daughters tries stealing a feather and got stuck to it. Her 2 sisters tried as well and got stuck to her. The youngest set out the next day and the girls had to run to keep up to him. The parson chides them for their antics, grabbed hold, and he got stuck on it as well along with the sexton. The youngest son went to the city where a princess lived. Now she was so serious that she never laughed. So the king decreed that whoever makes her chuckle. Well, in comes the youngest son with a procession that the princess thinks is hilarious. So he marries her and inherits the kingdom.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: Made into a musical.
Why Forgotten: Maybe cause the plot is so absurd.
Trivia: N/A

29. The Gold Mountain

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In the Grimms’ The Gold Mountain, a young boy stumbles upon a castle where he finds a princess, gets beat up, and becomes King of the Golden Mountain.

From: Germany
Earliest Appearance: Collected by the Grimm Brothers.
Best Known Version: Obviously the Grimm version.
Synopsis: A ruined merchant meets a black-haired and bearded dwarf offering 7 years of wealth and prosperity as well as success in all of his endeavors in exchange for his firstborn son. Said son grows up well acquainted with fairies. But when the day comes for the merchant to pay up, the boy draws a circle he can’t cross and spends an entire day arguing with his dad on the deal’s validity. Finally, the dwarf and the boy’s dad reach a compromise that the boy will sail off in a boat so neither will have him. In turn, the boy’s fairy friends send a squall capsizing the boat to fake the kid’s death so the dwarf won’t look for him.

The boy travels the world and sometime later stumbles upon a castle by a mountain made of gold. The castle is empty and abandoned save for a white snake claiming to be a princess under a curse that first caused her food to vanish, then her guests to leave, and finally herself transformed into a snake. To the break the curse, someone must spend 3 nights in castle. But there’s a cache. During the first night, men will come at midnight and viciously beat him. The second night will be worse. And the third night they will kill him. Should he cry out, fight back, or escape, the curse won’t be broken. Still, if he endures all 3 nights she’ll become human and resurrect him from a healing spring. He succeeds and the grateful princess marries him, making him King of the Gold Mountain. In time, they have a young son of their own.

But eventually the King’s heart grows heavy as he thinks of his parents who still assume him dead. The princess gives him a wishing ring for him to carry but begs he must never wish his wife or son from their home at Gold Mountain. He agrees and wishes himself home, changing clothes with a beggar at the city gates to get in. His dad is thrilled to find his son alive and they speak long into the night and the following day. Unfortunately, he carelessly wishes his dad could see his wife and son who are immediately brought before them by the wishing ring. The princess is furious but holds her tongue. She then takes her husband for a long walk and picnic. When he falls asleep, she immediately steals the ring and wishes herself and her son home.

When the King of the Gold Mountain wakes up, his wife, son, and wishing ring are gone. He vows to find them. Yet, he doesn’t know the way back to his former kingdom. He quests far and wide until he meets 3 quarreling giants whose dad just died and are squabbling over their inheritance consisting of an invisibility cloak, a pair of boots that can carry someone anywhere in the world, and a sword that could cut a hundred heads or fell a hundred trees with one swing. Seeing him as one of the clever “little people,” the giants ask the king to resolve their dispute. He replies that he must test them, to make sure they work as said, and the giants hand over the goods asking to promise not to use the sword against them. Instead, he flees and tells the boots to take him to the Gold Mountain.

Once home, the king sneaks in under an invisibility cloak and finds a horde of suitors vying for his wife’s hand. He hides by her and starts eating and hiding her supper, reminding her of how the curse first began. When she runs into a private chamber, she asks why this is happening again in despair. He whispers that she betrayed and left her rightful husband. As the princess breaks down crying, the king strides out in the great hall, and kills all the suitors with a magic sword.

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When the King of the Golden Mountain comes home, he psychologically torments his wife and beheads all her suitors with a magic sword. Now we know why they don’t read this to children.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Well, I think the mass slaughter in the great hall at the end might have something to do with it (despite it being quite similar to the end of Homer’s Odyssey). Also, contains murder, theft, and psychological torture as well as the hero coming off as a jerk once he marries the princess.
Trivia: N/A

30. Gold Tree and Silver Tree

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In the Scottish Gold Tree and Silver Tree, a queen relies on a fish on ego boosts. When the fish proclaims Gold Tree as prettier, Silver Tree goes on a quest to get her killed.

From: Scotland
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Joseph Jacobs in his Celtic Fairy Tales. A variation of Snow White but with no dwarves, a magic fish instead of a mirror, and basically ends with a threesome.
Best Known Version: Probably the Jacobs version.
Synopsis: Gold Tree is the daughter of a king and his wife Silver Tree. One fateful day, Silver Tree meets a magical fish telling her Gold Tree is prettier than she is. Offended and not realizing that being the prettiest isn’t everything, Silver Tree vows to kill Gold Tree. One day, she lies to her husband claiming to be very ill and that she needs Gold Tree’s liver and heart to cure her. Fortunately, a faraway prince recently proposed to Gold Tree so the king marries her off and tricks the queen with an animal’s heart and liver instead. The next year, Silver Tree consults the fish again, who informs her that Gold Tree is still alive in her new husband’s country. So the queen persuades the king to let her visit her daughter. Yet, upon learning that her mom’s coming, Gold Tree’s servants lock her away for her own safety. But the queen manages to sneak a poisoned thorn through a keyhole and into Gold Tree’s finger.

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After the servants lock Gold Tree in a tower to keep her from Silver Queen, the queen still manages to knock her out with a poisoned thorn. Wonder how she accomplished it.

When the prince returns, he’s horrified to see his wife dead but he can’t bury her since she’s too pretty. So he keeps Gold Tree’s remains in that room. Times passes and he marries a new woman out of royal obligation but warns her to stay out of that room. However, her curiosity gets the better of her and she discovers Gold Tree and the thorn in her finger. The new bride removes it, resurrecting Gold Tree and possibly implicating her new husband on bigamy charges. The next year, Silver Tree learns about this from the fish and sets out to kill Gold Tree again. But now the threesome know better and prepare ahead of time (apparently they seemed to work things out and give polyamory a try). When Silver Tree offers her daughter a poisoned drink, the prince’s second wife tells the queen to take the first sip to take the first sip, claiming it the land’s custom. As the queen raises the glass, the second wife forces her to actually swallow the potion. Silver Tree is dies while Gold Tree, the prince, and the second wife live happily ever after.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: For God’s sake, it’s basically Snow White ending in a threesome.
Trivia: N/A

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A Treasury of Forgotten Fairy Tales: Part 2 – Cap O’ Rushes to Donkeyskin

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Well, we’re off to a good start. Nonetheless, we often associate fairy tales with children’s stories. While we often cater fairy tales to children. However, at another time, this hasn’t necessarily been the case. After all, many of these fairy tales contain content much more suitable for Game of Thrones like sex, rape, incest, nudity, and graphic violence. Hell, even some of the classic fairy tales we know and love contain stuff that’s really not suitable for children. In this installment, we’ll look at 10 more forgotten fairy tales. First, we look at 3 tales of young women who get turned out of their homes and have to resort to unconventional clothing choices. Second, is an Italian story of Catherine and her series of unfortunate events. Third, is Norwegian tale about a man and his “cat.” Next, is a Scottish story about a boy’s adventures in Elfland to save his sister. After that is an Italian fairy tale about three magical triplets followed by a legend of an Armenian war hero and a future Lord Mayor of London. And finally, we get to a French fairy tale about a princess who’s a lot smarter than she initially seems.

11. Cap O’ Rushes

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Cap o’ Rushes revolves around a princess who gets kicked out of the castle by her dad by spouting a metaphor he doesn’t understand. So she lives in the wilderness under a coat of rushes over her finery.

From: England
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Joseph Jacobs in English Fairy Tales.
Best Known Version: The Jacobs version obviously.
Synopsis: A rich guy asks his 3 daughters how much they love him (you can see where this is going). The oldest says more than her life. The second says like the whole world. The youngest says like meat loves salt. Not understanding what the youngest daughter meant by her use of strange metaphors, the rich guy flies into a rage and throws the girl out. Wandering the wilderness, the girl makes a hooded cloak out of rushes to conceal her fine clothing.

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Cap o’ Rushes earns her nickname since she wore clothing made out of marsh plants. Thankfully, she never had to deal with a forest fire.

Eventually, the girl finds a job scrubbing dishes at a great house. Because she didn’t give her bosses a name, she’s called “Cap O’ Rushes” due to her cloak. One night, the house holds a ball and Cap O’ Rushes sneaks into the party by removing her cloak so her full fine clothes are on display. The master’s son sees her and falls in love with her, but he couldn’t go up to her to know who she is. After meeting at 2 more balls, he gives her a ring. When he couldn’t find her, he fell ill. The sick son receives her at his bed. After Cap O’ Rushes persuades the cook to have her make the gruel for him, she puts the ring in the bowl, allowing the son to find and marry her. At the wedding party, Cap O’Rushes tells the cook to make a meal without any salt. This left all the dishes without flavor and her father starts crying since he realized what his daughter meant, fearing she’s dead. Cap O’ Rushes reveals herself as his daughter and forgives him. And they all lived happily ever after.

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Cap o’Rushes seeks employment at a great house. Though she gets a job as a scullery maid, she’s game on anything.

Other Versions: Also included in Andrew Lang’s journals.
Adaptations: Read on a BBC series.
Why Forgotten: I’m not exactly sure. Too much like Cinderella but far removed from civilization I guess.
Trivia: N/A

12. Catherine and Her Fate
From: Italy
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Thomas Crane in Italian Popular Tales.
Best Known Version: Probably the Crane version.
Synopsis: Catherine is a merchant’s beautiful daughter. One day, a woman visits and asks her whether she’d be happy when young or old. Catherine says she’d rather get it over with and be happy in old age. Called Fate, the woman vanishes. Soon, her dad loses all his money and dies. Realizing this was the unhappy part, Catherine tries getting a job but Fate ruins it for her for 7 years until she gets a servant job and keeps it. One of her tasks is bringing bread for her mistress’ Fate.

Catherine’s mistress finds out why she’s always crying and told the girl to ask her Fate whether she could be freed. She does. That Fate brought her to her own, who gives her a hank of thread. Think it useless, Catherine considers throwing it away. But her mistress convinces her to keep it. One day, a young king was to marry. But his wedding garment needed a hank of thread, and none in the kingdom had the proper color. Except the thread Catherine’s Fate had given her. And the king declared she’d be rewarded with an equal weight in gold.

But when it was put to scale, the thread always outweighed however much gold they put on the other side. After putting the entire treasury and the king’s crown, the king demands how Catherine came by this thread, she tells her story. Then a wise old court lady declared it was time for her happiness to begin and the crown showed that it was her fate to be queen. So the king declared Catherine will be his, marrying her instead of his original bride.

Other Versions: Included in Andrew Lang’s The Pink Fairy Book.
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Not exactly sure.
Trivia: N/A

13. The Cat on the Dovretell

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Originating from Norway, The Cat of Dovretell is actually not about a cat but a bear. Sure it’s scary, but provides great protection against trolls.

From: Norway
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Peter Christen Asbjørnsen and Jorgen Moe. Contrary to the title, it’s actually about a bear, not a cat.
Best Known Version: The Asbjørnsen and Moe version.
Synopsis: A man was bringing a trained bear to the king, but had to stop at Dovretell. Yet, because of the trolls driving visitors out during the Christmas season, the people couldn’t offer him a place to stay. But the guy says he’d stay anyway. So they let him and all sorts of food for the trolls’ feast. The trolls come. Calling the bear, “pussy,” one of them tries baiting the bear with a sausage. But the bear turned on the trolls and chased them off. The next year, a troll asked townspeople if they still had the “cat.” The man said he did and that she had 6 “kittens” all fiercer than she was. The trolls never came back again.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: Retold by Kaja Foglio in comic book form and Jan Brett as Who’s That Knocking on Christmas Eve.
Why Forgotten: The title is very misleading. Since it’s actually about a bear not a cat.
Trivia: N/A

14. Catskin

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An English fairy tale, Catskin tells of a lord’s daughter who runs away because her dad wanted her to marry a guy she didn’t like. In the wilderness , she wears the skin of cats over her finery.

From: England
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Joseph Jacobs in More English Fairy Tales.
Best Known Version: The Jacobs version obviously.
Synopsis: A lord has a daughter when he’d rather have a son to inherit the estate. Naturally, he orders her married off as soon as she’s old enough. But she hates the groom and demands 3 fancy dresses and a catskin coat. With it, she runs off, bringing the dresses with her.

She gets a job as a scullery maid and sneaks off to a ball, winning a young lord’s heart. He manages to track her down and marry her by the 3rd ball. Later the cook jeers at the girl for being poor. After having a son, she tells her husband about her dad. The lord tracks him down to find him all alone and wishing he could see his daughter again. He brings him home and he lives with them.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: I’m not exactly sure.
Trivia: N/A

15. Childe Rowland

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Based on a Scottish ballad, Childe Rowland focuses on a boy trying to rescue his sister from the King of Elfland. Inspired Stephen King’s Dark Tower series.

From: Scotland and England
Earliest Appearance: Said to be based on a Scottish ballad.
Best Known Version: The one in Joseph Jacobs’ English Fairy Tales.
Synopsis: Four of the queen’s children consisting of 3 boys and a girl play ball near a church. When the youngest boy, Rowland kicks the ball over the church, their sister Burd Ellen goes to retrieve it. Yet, she inadvertently circles the church’s “widershins” or opposite the sun’s way, and disappears. Rowland goes to Merlin asking what happened to her. According to the wizard, the King of Elfland took her to the Dark Tower and only the boldest knight in Christendom can save her. Yet, should he venture, Merlin instructs the boy not to eat anything in Elfland and lop off every elf he meets there. Rowland’s brothers try to save their sister in Elfland but the Elf King puts them in a magical coma. Rowland goes in, decapitates 3 elves, saves his sister, evades evil elf magic with brute force and a good sword, and grants mercy to the Elf King.

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Childe Rowland confronting the Elf King in Elfland. Still, you have to like the gothic design.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Well, the title isn’t forgotten. But most people aren’t familiar with the story.
Trivia: Was referenced in King Lear and served as an inspiration for Stephen King’s The Dark Tower.

16. The Dancing Water, the Singing Apple, and the Speaking Bird

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In The Italian tale, The Dancing Water, 3 babies are abandoned in the forest and taken in by a deer. They then grow up with very special talents.

From: Italy
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Giuseppe Pitrè.
Best Known Version: The one in Joseph Jacobs’ European Folk and Fairy Tales.
Synopsis: Wandering the streets, a king overhears 3 sisters chatting. The oldest one said: “If I were the wife of the royal butler, I would give the whole court to drink out of one glass of water, and there would be some left.” The second one said: “If I were the wife of the keeper of the royal wardrobe, with one piece of cloth I would clothe all the attendants, and have some left.” While the youngest said: “Were I the king’s wife, I would bear him three children: two sons with apples in their hands, and a daughter with a star on her brow.”

The king takes the youngest as queen and arranges the marriages for the older sisters who do as they say. But the older sisters resent the queen. When she gives birth to the magical triplets she promised she would, they kidnap the babies for exposure to the elements and put puppies in their place. Furious and ignorant on human reproduction, the king orders his wife put on a treadmill as a slave. 3 fairies see the kids and give them a deer to raise them, a purse full of money, and a ring that changes color when one of them is in danger.

When the children were grown, the fairies tell them to go into the city. As soon as they get a house, the sisters realize these are the wonder children who could reveal what they’ve done. They try to dispose of them with impossible tasks. The older brother fetches the Dancing Water and the Singing Apple. But when sent to get the Speaking Bird, it reveals its past and startles him into speaking, turning him into stone. The next brother did the same. But the sister managed to do it and save her brothers. The king comes to see these marvelous young men and woman. The Speaking Bird reveals the truth and then, at the king’s orders, describes how their aunts and the nurse who aided them are to be executed. While the king, queen, and their kids are all reconciled.

Other Versions: Thomas Crane’s translation as “The Herb Gatherer’s Daughters” in Popular Italian Folk Tales.
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Well, putting one’s wife on a treadmill as a slave might do it.
Trivia: N/A

17. David of Sasun

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The Armenian tale David of Sasun is about a legendary king and his epic adventures. Based on an epic poem.

From: Armenia
Earliest Appearance: From oral tradition dating from as early as the 8th century. Part 3 of a 4-cycle epic poem called Daredevils of Sassoun. Though scholars point out the pagan elements which might make it even older. It’s said that the Egyptians are an expy of the Arab conquerors
Best Known Version: The first written version by Garegin Srvantdziantz in 1873.
Synopsis: Sasun King Lion-Mher and his wife regret they are unable to conceive a child in their old age. An angel visits and informs the king that his wife will bear a son, but in exchange they will both die. Lion-Mher agrees and 9 months later, David is born. But his parents die just in time for Egypt to invade Sasun and force its citizens to pay tribute. David is to live with Sasun ruler and his paternal uncle Big-Voiced Ohan who surrendered to Egypt. Wary that her nephew might take the throne from his uncle, Ohan’s wife ensures that nobody tell David about his past. For most of his childhood, David is sent outside where he befriends the animals and terrorizes the town by bringing them home with him. One day in the woods, he meets an old hag who tells him about his father. With this knowledge, David decides to become a warrior, take back his throne, and challenge Egypt for Sasun’s independence.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: Made into an Armenian cartoon.
Why Forgotten: This is primarily from Armenia and seldom remembered anywhere else.
Trivia: N/A

18. Dick Whittington and His Cat

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Unlike most of the fairy tales on this list, the story of Dick Whittington and His Cat is based on a real person. Whittington really did rise from humble origins to become Lord Mayor of London. But his cat was just totally made up.

From: England
Earliest Appearance: This tale is based on a real Lord Mayor of London who was elected 4 times as well as served as its sheriff and Member of Parliament. During his reign, he made many beneficial changes to the city like building an unmarried mother ward at St. Thomas Hospital and prohibiting apprentices from washing animal skins in the Thames River. Started as a play, The History of Richard Whittington, of his lowe byrth, his great fortune.
Best Known Version: An 1861 play by H. J. Byron.
Synopsis: Hearing tales of the streets paved with gold, Dick Whittington leaves his home in Gloucestshire for London. When that quickly proved to be horseshit, he’s so disheartened that he’s ready to leave. But suddenly, he hears London’s bells call out, “Turn again, Whittington, Lord Mayor of London!” So he decides to stick it through. After some Tonga adventures where his cat killed all the rats in the country, he’s given 3 chests of gold and realizes his destiny.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: Has been presented on TV many times.
Why Forgotten: This is kind of a specific myth about a real guy which doesn’t have much basis in fact.
Trivia: Often performed around Christmas as a pantomime.

19. The Discreet Princess

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The French tale The Discreet Princess is about a bad prince trying to get into 3 princesses pants. When he gets to the third, she pushes him down a sewer.

From: France
Earliest Appearance: In 1696 in a compilation written by Charles Perrault’s niece Marie-Jeanne L’Héritier de Villandon as L’Adroite Princesse ou les Aventures de Finette.
Best Known Version: N/A
Synopsis: A king goes on a crusade and leaves his 3 daughters locked in a tower. They’re called Nonchalante (Dronilla; the lazy one), Babillarde (The Babbler; or Pratilla), and Finette. Each receives a glass distaff designed to break apart as soon as the princess misbehaves. Oh, and an evil prince from a neighboring country with a grudge against the royal family called Riche-Cautèle (Rich-Craft) decides to make a visit. Dressed as a female beggar, he sneaks into the tower where he tricks the two older sisters into letting him and seduces them. Consequently, their distaffs break. Rich-Craft tries to do the same to Finette, but she waves with a hammer and makes a bed for “them” which is on top a sink with a large drain leading to a sewer. Rich-Craft gets on the bed and well, he goes down and ends up with shit all over him. He then has his servants kidnap her and tries to roll her down a mountain in a barrel full of blades. But she puts him in the barrel instead. She later seals her little nephews in boxes and sneaks them in Rich-Craft’s placed as “medicine” while disguised as a doctor. Now dying from being stabbed through a bunch of blades in a barrel, Rich-Craft asks his brother Bel-à-Voir marry Finette, which he does. But at consummation time, Finette uses a sheep’s bladder dummy which Bel-à-Voir stabs before having a moral meltdown. But don’t worry, he and Finette live happily ever after, anyway. Meanwhile, her two older sisters end up dead by having to toil in a garden.

Other Versions: There’s a bowlderized where the evil prince just beats up the 2 older princesses instead of seducing them.
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Given that Finette pushed a guy in a barrel filled with blades and sent him down a mountain which resulted in his death, I don’t expect her becoming a Disney Princess anytime soon. Also contains extra-marital sex and smuggling babies.
Trivia: N/A

20. Donkeyskin

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To escape her incestuous father, a princess flees the castle donning a donkeyskin. By the way, when this donkey was alive it could shit gold.

From: France and Italy
Earliest Appearance: Recorded by Charles Perrault in 1697. Though Giovanni Francesco Straparola’s Doralice might even be older, which is basically Cinderella meets Game of Thrones.
Best Known Version: The Perrault version is the best known.
Synopsis: A king loses his wife on her deathbed where she demands to promise her not to remarry except to a woman more beautiful than she is. But the king finds it impossible to find such a woman until he realizes that his daughter is the only one who surpasses her mom’s beauty. Thus, not letting the incest taboo stand in his way and being to sexist to perhaps let his daughter inherit the throne, the king decides to marry her. The despairing princess begs for her Fairy Godmother’s help who advises her to declare she won’t marry unless she’s brought 3 impossible dresses: one as blue as the sky, one that shines like the moon, and one like the sun. When the king succeeds anyway, the fairy godmother advises the princess to ask for the king’s magic donkeyskin that literally shits gold. But despite the potential money you can make from it, the king has the donkey slaughtered and presents the skin to the princess. She then decides to run away clothing herself in a donkey’s skin so no one would recognize her.

Next, she travels to a far-away kingdom, takes a menial farm job, and calls herself “Donkeyskin.” While entertaining herself by dressing in her sun golden dress in her hut, a prince passes by and is quite taken with her. In an effort to prove her identity, he requests she bake him a cake, in which he finds the princess’s ring. Then consulting the Cinderella Prince playbook, he announces that he’ll only marry the girl whose finger fits this ring and tries it on every woman in the kingdom. When the ring fits Donkeyskin’s finger, her identity is revealed and the two get married.

Other Versions: The Grimm Brothers had one called “All-Kind-of-Furs.” Some versions have the princess have 3 golden items that she hides in the prince’s soup each morning after a ball. And sometimes she doesn’t see the prince before baking the cake for him. While bowlderized versions have the king wanting his daughter to marry a guy she doesn’t like. One version from the Victorian era just has the donkey drop gold from the ears and makes the princess the king’s adopted or stepddaughter to soften the creepy incest vibe. Sometimes the king is easily forgiven and marries a hot dowager queen (who could be the prince’s widowed mom). Then there’s the primitive version called Doralice by Giovanni Francesco Straparola where the king doesn’t take his daughter’s new marriage to a foreign prince very well at all. In fact, he hides in the castle, kills his grandchildren, and blames Doralice for the crime so she’d be condemned to execution. But the nurse’s testimony exonerates her and the king gets dismembered.
Adaptations: Adapted as “Sapsorrow” in The Storyteller, Deerskin by Robin McGinley, and as a 1970 musical by Jacques Demy. Wikipedia also lists plenty of others.
Why Forgotten: For one, it bears some similarities to Cinderella. Second, a king wanting to marry is daughter is clearly incestuous.
Trivia: N/A

A Treasury of Forgotten Fairy Tales: Part 1 – Adalmina’s Pearl to The Brown Bear of the Green Glen

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Tired of the same old bedtime fairy tale stories every night? Are you a struggling screenwriter desperate for ideas but don’t want to risk a lawsuit? Or are you a producer who doesn’t want to pay for the rights of the source material? If so, then you’ll be pleased to know that there’s a treasure trove of fairy tales that have been recorded hundreds of years ago. But lately haven’t been as well remembered as the ones you often heard of. Sometimes it’s because they’re utterly messed up. Sometimes they don’t age well. Sometimes they’re from certain countries. And sometimes there’s not really a reason. They’re just overlooked. Anyway, in each installment of this series will bring you 10 of these tales for your reading pleasure. Though some take longer to summarize than others.

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In this first installment, I’ll bring you the first 10 forgotten fairy tales you can enjoy. First, a Finnish tale spoiled rotten princess who gets her comeuppance after losing a key piece of jewelry. Second, an Armenian story about a king who’s so handsome that a queen starts a war to get him, making Gaston look seemingly rational. Third, is a Grimm tale about a man who dons a bearskin and not do anything to his hair for 7 years so the Devil doesn’t get his soul. Next, is an Irish yarn about a 3 brothers and a black knight known for his tall stories. After that, is a French story about a prince who gets turned into a bluebird when he refuses to get married when the wrong girl shows up at the altar. Then we come to a British tale about an Irishman who ventures to the Blue Mountains after meeting a princess while spending a night in a castle. Next, it’s on to a Grimm tale about a tailor who goes from killing flies to killing trolls followed by another Grimm tale about a group of geriatric animals who start a band. Then, we have an Italian story about a boy turned into a deer and a girl who falls victim to attempted murder. And finally, a story about a young man who meets a talking bear, giants, and a sleeping woman he eventually knocks up.

1. Adalmina’s Pearl

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Adalmina’s pearl is basically about a bratty princess who gets her comeuppance after losing a piece of jewelry that makes her hot. Don’t worry, she gets better.

From: Finland
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Sakari Topelius.
Best Known Version: The one by Topelius, obviously.
Synopsis: As the only child of a king and queen, Adalmina receives gifts from 2 fairy godmothers. One gives her a pearl that will make her prettier, smarter, and richer every day. The other promises should she lose pearl and all it gives her, she will gain a pure, loving heart in its place. Naturally, the princess grows up to be smarter, prettier, and richer than everyone else. But she is unbelievably proud, vain, selfish, and cold-hearted spoiled brat. And is generally a pain in the ass to everyone but her doting parents. As her pearl is permanently set into a crown that magically grows to always fit her permanently.

One day, Adalmina sneaks out of the castle and comes across a clear forest pond where she loses her crown while admiring her reflection. Instantly, the princess turns into a plain peasant girl in rags and forgets everything about herself. As she aimlessly wanders in the forest, and old lady finds her. Out of pity, she lets her live with her and tend goats. Now possessing a kind and loving heart, Adalmina is grateful for what little the old lady can offer her and is happy to live with her in a humble cottage.

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Here are a couple of pictures of Adalmina after losing her pearl. In one she tends goats. In the other she sews with an old woman in her cottage.

Terrified of their daughter’s disappearance, the king and queen, they send out a message that should a prince or noble successfully find her, he will receive her hand in marriage and half of her dad’s kingdom as a reward. One prince who has heard of Adalmina’s unparalleled beauty and brains, has fallen in love with her from afar and is determined to find her. However, once he travels far and wide and finds that everyone he meets thinks she’s such a brat who should stay lost, he loses interest in the princess after finding her crown in the woods. Tired and lost, he stumbles upon an old woman’s cottage where he stays for a few days before returning to the king and queen with the crown.

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Adalmina arrives to the castle in rags and herding goats. Here you can see the shiny tiara with the magic pearl.

Overjoyed to learn about the crown, the king and queen summon every appropriately aged girl in the kingdom to the castle in order to try it on. As expected, the crown passes from head to head but fits no one. Having enough of this, the prince decides to stay until sunset if the princess isn’t found by then. Yet, just as the sun is disappearing on the horizon, a goat herder girl from the cottage shows up on the road to town. Happy to see her, the prince promises to marry her whether Adalmina is found or not. In the end, the crown fits the girl and she transforms back into the Adalmina everyone knew with all beauty, intelligence, and riches restored. But now that her heart is permanently thawed, she falls to her knees begging forgiveness for every bad thing she’s done. The people rejoice. While the prince and princess are married and live happily ever after.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: Adapted into a Russian opera.
Why Forgotten: It’s well known in Finland, Russia, and Scandinavia, but nowhere else.
Trivia: N/A

2. Ara the Handsome

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Ara the Handsome is about a king who’s so hot that a queen starts a war against him, which ends horribly. Despite that she should just give up and find somebody else, especially if the guy’s married.

From: Armenia
Earliest Appearance: Earliest written records were by the early Christians. Though it’s possible that the pagan Armenians worshipped Ara as a god of war and rebirth. It’s also possible that Ara might’ve been based on King Aramu, first king of Uratu, an empire from the 800-500 BCE that comprised of Turkey and Armenia. While Semiramis might’ve been based on the real life Assyrian Queen Shammuramat, his contemporary.
Best Known Version: The Christian version is the best known.
Synopsis: Hearing of King Ara’s legendary hotness, Assyrian Queen Semiramis is so obsessed with him that she’ll stop at nothing to have him. Hell, she even drove her husband away because of her infatuation. But when she asked to marry the guy, Ara turns her down. Mostly because he already had a wife named Nvard. As a result, Semiramis declares war on Armenia and orders her army to attack the country and bring back Ara alive. Except they don’t since he was killed during the war.

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Here’s King Ara in his procession. He raises his child with his queen. Too bad everything’s about to go to shit.

So in order to calm down the Armenian armies who want to avenge their king’s death and to satisfy her lust, Semiramis tries to use black magic to resurrect Ara. Placing his body upon her castle, she calls on hound spirits to lick his wounds clean and heal him but to no avail. Grief-stricken, Semramis instead had him buried at the mountain’s foot and dressed up one of her lovers as Ara to convince the Armenians that she resurrected him. Thus, the war ended. Aferwards, Semiramis has all but one of her sons killed for mocking her lust for the dead king. Eventually the son grows up to kill her.

Other Versions: Earlier versions have Seramis successfully resurrecting Ara.
Adaptations: Not that I know of.
Why Forgotten: Well, outside Armenia, he mostly is.
Trivia: Armenians see Ara as one of their country’s forefathers.

3. Bearskin

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Bearskin is a Grimm tale about a man who must wear a bearskin outfit and avoid cleanliness for 7 years. Or else the Devil gets his soul. Not surprisingly people don’t seem to like him much.

From: Germany
Earliest Appearance: Collected by the Grimm Brothers.
Best Known Version: The Grimm version, naturally.
Synopsis: After leaving the army, a soldier can’t return home or find work. Desperation drives him to make a deal with the Devil who makes a bet with him. For the next 7 years, he’ll carry a purse of gold that’s always full. But he must wear a bearskin and neither pray nor wash or cut his hair within that time. If he survives, he can keep the purse. If he dies, then the Devil has his soul.

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After saving an old man from debtor’s prison, the guy offers Bearskin one of his daughters in marriage. Only the youngest one goes for it though. They fall in love but Bearskin can’t marry her until his ordeal is through.

The soldier spends several years walking the earth, giving to the poor, and asking them to pray for him. One night he rescues an old man from debtors’ prison. In exchange, the man promises the hand of one of his daughters in gratitude. The older 2 reject him, while the youngest accepts knowing that only a good guy would’ve rescued her dad. The soldier gives her half a ring and tells her to wait 3 years for his return. If he doesn’t show up by then, she’s free to marry somebody else.

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Apparently, the old man’s daughters don’t seem to have much interest in Bearskin. After all, he wanders the earth wearing a bearskin outfit and doesn’t cut his hair.

The soldier survives to the end of his term, gains the gold purse, and cleans himself up before visiting the old man again. Everyone but the youngest daughter takes a keen interest in him, especially when he says he’s come to seek a bride. As the older girls pretty themselves up, the soldier shows the younger girl the other half of the ring. They marry and live happily ever after. But the older sisters are eaten alive with envy and kill themselves pleasing the Devil who got a 2-for-1 deal.

Other Versions: Included in Andrew Lang’s The Pink Fairy Book. Some versions have the father about to kill himself before the Bearskin guy saves him. Italian variants include Italo Calvino’s “The Devil’s Breeches” and “Don Giovanni de la Fortuna” in Laura Gonzenbach’s Sicilianische Märchen. Other variants consist of “Hell’s Gatekeeper” and “The Reward for Kindness.”
Adaptations: Adapted into an Americanized version set around the Civil War by Tom Davenport, a Russian cartoon, two operas, and a musical.
Why Forgotten: I’m not sure why it’s not made into a Disney movie. Then again, it takes place over some years.
Trivia: Said to have much in common with Beauty and the Beast.

4. The Black Thief and the Knight of the Glen

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The Black Thief and Knight of the Glen is an odd tale since it’s more of a frame story pertaining to 3 guys stuck in a prison cell with the title character. It’s complicated.

From: Ireland
Earliest Appearance: Collected in Hiberian Tales.
Best Known Version: The one in Andrew Lang’s The Red Fairy Book.
Synopsis: A king promises his dying wife that their 3 sons will never be under another woman’s power. When he remarries, he hides the boys from their stepmother. But she discovers them, and with a pack of cards she got from a henwife, wins a game with the 2 older ones that puts them in her power. However, she doesn’t succeed with defeating the youngest. Yet, when she orders the older ones to return with the Knight of the Glen’s wild Steed of Bells or else lose their heads, he goes with them.

Enter the Black Thief who decides to accompany them. They try to steal a horse, but it neighs and rings its bells. So the knight catches them. He decides to boil them all. First, the boys by age and then the thief. Each time a prince is up, the Black Thief spins a yarn about how he narrowly escaped death from a greater danger. And with each tale he tells, the knight spares each prince one by one.

Yet, his third story pertains to him saving a mom and baby in the forest from a giant, which the old woman confirms as true. She then goes on to say that she was the woman and the knight was the baby. Grateful, the knight pardons the thief and gives him the horse. When they return to the kingdom, the queen is so enraged that she throws herself from a tower and dies.

Other Versions: There’s a variant by Seumas MacManus in The Donegal Wonder Book called “The Steed O’ Bells.”
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: I’m not sure why exactly.
Trivia: N/A

5. The Blue Bird

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The Blue Bird is a French tale of a prince who gets turned into a bluebird because he wanted to marry a different princess than an evil queen wanted. There he meets his beloved princess locked in a tower for the next 2 years.

From: France
Earliest Appearance: Originally published in 1697 by Madame d’Aulnoy.
Best Known Version: Andrew Lang’s English translation in The Green Fairy Book.
Synopsis: A queen dies, leaving her husband and a daughter named Florine behind. The king remarries a single mom with a daughter little older than the princess named Truitonne. Florine grows up to be kind and beautiful. While Truitonne becomes an ugly and selfish bitch. This causes the Queen to become jealous of her stepdaughter and goes out of her way to make the girl miserable. One day Prince (or King) Charming of a neighboring kingdom pays a visit. Despite the Queen and Truitonne’s best efforts, it’s love at first sight between him and Florine. Enraged, the Queen and her daughter persuade the king to lock the princess up in a tower for the rest of Charming’s visit, insisting Florine is ill and needs rest. However, the Queen concedes and has Florine and Charming meet one night where he proposes to her. Or so he thinks because it’s too dark and he can’t see who the hell he’s talking to. And in reality, he’s actually proposed to Truitonne.

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Here the stepsister’s fairy godmother turns the prince into a bluebird. Because the prince didn’t want to marry her and had meant to propose to a different girl.

Luckily, Charming realizes he’s been had at the altar. As a result, he and Truitonne get in an argument, with her insisting he say, “I do.” When he refuses, her fairy godmother Soussio curses Charming for the next 7 years as a bluebird. In his new form, Charming flies to the tower where Florine’s kept prisoner. Now reunited, the lovers spend the next 2 years bonding and keeping each other company through their respective misfortunes. While Charming often flew in with some sort of treasure he’d pass to Florine as a gift. Meanwhile, the Queen tries to find another husband for Truitonne, but to no avail. Frustrated by the task’s futility, she decides to let off steam at Florine in the tower, only to burst in on her and Charming singing together. She also discovers Charming’s gifts to the princess and realizes that her stepdaughter is receiving aid. The Queen recruits a servant girl to keep Florine company, but actually to spy on her and recruit back to her and Truitonne. Fearing Florine’s step-family discovering their secret, she and Charming decide not to see each other for awhile. Only to meet again when they’re sure the spy is asleep. But she isn’t and tells the Queen and her daughter about everything.

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The bluebird visits Florine at her tower. Because the queen in this fairy tale is a bitch and her daughter has her own fairy godmother for some reason.

When Charming isn’t visiting Florine, he’s built a nest for himself in a nearby cypress tree, which the Queen had covered with knives and razors. When Charming flies over, he cuts his wings and falls to the ground. Fortunately, his old sorcerer friend finds him and helps him recover. He even finds Soussio and convinces her to transform Charming back into a man. But on the condition that he’ll only get to be himself again for a few months and he must marry Truitonne during this time. Or else he’ll be transformed back into a bird forever. Oh, and unbeknownst to him, Florine has no way of communicating with anyone outside her tower and doesn’t know of this. So she fears something bad must’ve happened to Charming. One day, the king dies, causing the people to rise against the Queen and eventually kill her. Truitonne seeks refuge with her godmother. While Florine is released from her tower and becomes the new Queen. After appointing a council to run the kingdom, she embarks on a quest to find out what happened to Charming.

Disguised as a peasant, Florine meets an old woman. Impressed by her goodness and devotion, she reveals herself as a fairy. She tells the new queen that Charming has regained true form and has returned to his kingdom. She also gives Florine 4 magical eggs on her journey. When she has to scale a steep ivory mountain, she cracks open the first egg containing good grappling irons. So Florine makes it over the mountain in no time. She then finds a village in a valley with an enormous mirror that shows you only what you want to see about yourself. To avoid giving into the same temptation and the villagers’ wrath if she harms the mirror, she uses the second egg with a dove-pulled chariot. And she uses the chariot to fly to Charming’s castle.

The guards don’t recognize Florine and turn her away. Even worse, since she doesn’t know the complete story, she hears that Charming is to marry Truitonne soon. Disguised as a peddler, Florine bribes her stepsister with the same jewels and gifts Charming had given her while he was a bird. In return, the queen is allowed to sleep in the castle, specifically the “echo room” underneath Charming’s bedroom where he can overhear every word a person says in there. Florine takes full advantage of this, crying as loudly as she could every night and asking for some explanation from her ex. Yet, she doesn’t know that Charming had been taking sleeping potions for insomnia over worrying about her.

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Here Florine tries bribing her stepsister. Though it doesn’t seem to look like it since Truitonne ages quite prematurely that she appears old enough to be Florine’s mom.

Florine opens the third egg containing a mice-pulled chariot she sells for another night in the echo room but Charming can’t hear her. Fortunately, one of the servants does. She opens the last egg, containing a pie with singing birds that she gives to the servant so Charming could hear her next time. The servant keeps his promise and Charming doesn’t take the potion, causing him to hear every word. Florine and Charming finally reunite and after explaining everything that went on, affirm their love. Of course, there’s still Sussio to contend with. Luckily, the sorcerer and Florine’s fairy sponsor promise to keep her at bay. Truitonne tries to protest, but the sorcerer turns her into a pig. Free from their enemies, Charming and Florine marry and live happily ever after.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Perhaps it’s because it was first written by a French aristocratic woman. Other than that I’m not sure. Then again, the story’s pretty weird.
Trivia: A favorite of Jean Paul Sarte.

6. The Blue Mountains
From: UK or Ireland
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Andrew Lang in The Yellow Fairy Book but with no bibliographical information.
Best Known Version: The one in Andrew Lang’s The Yellow Fairy Book.
Synopsis: A Scotsman, Englishman, and Irishman, all soldiers, go AWOL together. They’re dying of hunger when the Scotsman sees a castle and goes in without telling the others. An astoundingly beautiful woman feeds him and gives him a bed where he falls asleep. The Englishman follows and gets the same. But when the Irishman comes in, he asks what it all means before eating anything. The woman reveals herself as a princess who can only be saved by a man who stays in a little room from 10:00 till midnight for 3 nights on end. When he does this, he’s severely beaten but the princess revives him.
She disappears. But the Irishman is instructed to stay awake to see her. However, a little boy sticks a pin in his coat, putting him to sleep. He spends 3 years searching for her and is ready to kill himself. Yet, when he draws his sword that she gave him, it tells him that he’d find her in the Blue Mountains. He goes onward. 2 hermits can’t tell him anything while a third commands all the birds in the world. When they arrive, only the eagle knows of the Blue Mountains but is willing to carry the Irishman there. He comes the day she’s forced to marry, gets the hen-wife to bring her to him, and they tie the knot on the spot.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Well, its origins are obscure that barely anything is known about this fairy tale.
Trivia: N/A

7. The Brave Little Tailor

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A Grimm classic, The Brave Little Tailor is about a tailor who swats some flies and cultivates a fearsome reputation. He then goes off to fight giants.

From: Germany
Earliest Appearance: Collected by the Grimm Brothers.
Best Known Version: The Grimms’ version is the best known.
Synopsis: Preparing to eat some jam, a tailor kills 7 flies on it with one blow before making a belt describing the deed and setting out in the world to make his fortune. He meets a giant who thinks he’s a badass from the phrase (which is a joke) before challenging him but the tailor defeats him in his wit. The giant then takes him to other giants and makes plans to kill him in his sleep. But the plan fails as the tailor decides to sleep in a corner since he finds the guest bed too large. Discovering the tailor alive, the giants flee in fear.

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Here the tailor ventures to the land of Giants. Wonder how he’ll get out of this.

The tailor joins the royal service but the guards are afraid of him and appeal to the king to remove him. In response, the king sends him on a series of difficult quests, which involves giants, hostile unicorns, and other hazards armed only with his wit. After completion, he receives half the kingdom and the king’s daughter in marriage. Later, his wife hears him mutter in his sleep that he’s a simple tailor. Though a squire later warns him, he decides to speak of his legendary deeds.

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After defeating giants, the brave little tailor enters the King’s service and is sent on a series of impossible tasks. Armed with only his wit, he succeeds to win the King’s daughter and inherit half the kingdom.

Other Versions: An Italian version has him smacking 500-1000 flies instead of 7. Included in Joseph Jacobs’ European Fairy Tales as “Seven in One Blow,” Andrew Lang’s The Blue Fairy Book, and in Ruth Manning-Sanders’ A Book of Giants.
Adaptations: Made into a Mickey Mouse cartoon and musical suite.
Why Forgotten: Well, it’s not quite forgotten but it’s hardly well-remembered.
Trivia: Said to inspire “Jack and the Beanstalk.”

8. The Bremen Town Musicians

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A Grimm classic, The Bremen Town musicians decide to retire, get a house, and start a band. Yet, let’s just say you don’t want to see them in concert.

From: Germany
Earliest Appearance: Collected by the Grimm Brothers.
Best Known Version: The one by the Grimms.
Synopsis: Since their owners want to kill them for being too old, a group of animals decide to run away and form a band. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to them, their singing is atrocious. While their first “concert” scares away its audience: a group of robbers stationed at a cottage. The animals settle into the cottage and when the robbers return by night, they accidentally repel them because of the thieves’ superstitious fears. The animals decide to stay there and live happily ever after.

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They may not be good musicians. But at least they don’t need to worry about a security system anytime soon.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: There’s a Soviet animated musical called The Town Musicians of Bremen, Jim Henson’s The Muppet Musicians of Bremen, the German cartoon movie The Fearless Four, the Spanish animated film and TV series Los Trotamusicos, and the Cartoon Network short The Bremen Avenue Experience. There’s even a Richard Scarry version.
Why Forgotten: It’s well-known, especially in regards to cartoons. But it’s still nowhere near mainstream. Perhaps it’s because it doesn’t have much of a plot.
Trivia: N/A

9. Brother and Sister

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In the Grimms’ Brother and Sister, 2 kids are driven out of their home by their stepmother and forced to live in the forest. But unlike Hansel and Gretel, the brother turns into a deer.

From: Italy and Germany
Earliest Appearance: Collected by Giambattista Basile in Pentamerone around the 17th century.
Best Known Version: The one collected by the Grimm Brothers.
Synopsis: After their mother’s death, a boy and a girl are mistreated by a wicked witch stepmother that they decide to run away from home and into the forest. In turn, the stepmother enchants the forest streams so that drinking from them will turn the siblings into animals. The girl sees through the trap and talks her brother out of drinking from 2 streams that would’ve turned him into a tiger or a wolf. But when they come to the stream that turns people into deer, he’s too thirsty to care anymore. So he drinks and is turned into a roe fawn. Later, the two find a deserted cottage and decide to live there, fending for themselves in the wilderness. Years have passed when a king and court come hunting in the forest. The brother makes a game for the hunters to chase him before hiding in the cottage that evening. But he’s wounded the second time and leads the hunters to the cottage.

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The girl and her deer enter in a cottage. Despite that the deer is actually her brother as you can notice with the antlers.

On seeing the sister, the king falls in love with her asks her to marry him. She agrees but only if her deer brother can come, too. She’s made queen while her brother resides in the royal gardens. After a while, the sister and the king have a child. But by now, the stepmother has learned that the siblings are still alive. So driven by hate and envy, she plots to destroy their happiness. She has the sister suffocated in a bath house and replaced with her own ugly one-eyed daughter, magically made to resemble her stepsister. But the sister returns as a ghost to look after her baby. This works for awhile until the king recognizes the spirit as his true wife before she’s restored by God. The king executes the witch and the brother turns back into a man. As they all live happily ever after.

Other Versions: A Hungarian version has a much younger sister turn into a deer instead of a brother. Some versions have the brother marry the king’s sister after he turns back into a man. The Grimm version refers the brother as Rudolph and the sister as Rose (and no, I don’t think Rudolph is a red-nosed reindeer). Known as Sister “Alionushka, Brother Ivanushka,” in Alexander Afanasyev’s Narodnye russkie skazki.
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Overshadowed by Hansel and Gretel. I guess the candy house beats boy turned to deer any day of the week. Also, the sister gets suffocated.
Trivia: Often confused with Hansel and Gretel.

10. The Brown Bear of the Green Glen
From: Scotland
Earliest Appearance: Collected by John Francis Campbell in Popular Tales of the West Highlands.
Best Known Version: Campbell’s version, obviously.
Synopsis: An Erin king sends his 2 older sons to find a cure for his blindness and lameness. Later his youngest son, John goes with them, despite being a fool. He found his brothers in the first town and went on. He meets a talking bear who tells him to stay with giants for 3 nights. While the last giant tells him how to get an eagle to carry him to the land with healing waters. When John gets there, he takes 3 bottles of water along with a bottle of brandy, a loaf of bread, and a wheel of cheese that are always the same no matter how much you ate from them. Oh, and he kisses a sleeping woman (or date rapes her if you want to interpret it). On the way back, John leaves the brandy, cheese, and bread with the giants, but on the condition they give them to his sweetheart if she came. He meets up with his brothers. They try to kill him and leave him loaded onto a rusty iron cart, making him rough skinned and bald.

Meanwhile, the woman gives birth to a baby boy. The henwife gives her a bird that would hop onto the man who’s the kid’s father. She tracks him down and gets the brandy, cheese, and bread back. Reaching the king’s court, all the men line up, but the bird doesn’t jump on them. Asking whether there are others, she’s told that a rough-skinned gillie who worked as a smith. The bird hops on his head, proving that he got the water his brothers had stolen. John marries the woman as his brothers are punished.

Other Versions: N/A
Adaptations: N/A
Why Forgotten: Well, it contains date rape, for one. Though whoever wrote this down didn’t seem to know much on how human reproduction works.
Trivia: N/A

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles with These Birthday Party Cakes (Fifth Edition)

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Since my 29th birthday is on January 13, it’s only natural that I do another edition of messed up birthday cakes from Cake Wrecks. When we make a cake in our homes for our loved ones, we usually expect that mistakes will be made since we’re not anticipated a masterpiece. But when we purchase a cake from a store or bakery, we expect that it will look as perfect as the picture in the book. Yet, since we have a website like Cake Wrecks, we should know full well that this isn’t the case. Sometimes the decorators may not know how to take directions. Sometimes they’re not great artists that the cake looks creepy or disgusting. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of screwed up birthday cakes. Enjoy. By the way, some of these may not be safe for work.

  1. I think they meant a 2 in blue.
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This one has piping in red while it says “too No in Blue.” But at least it has 2 candles.

2. When you need a cake to cover 3 occasions for your dad.

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Guess this was made for a dad who just got out of prison. Though it also works as a 50 Shades of Grey theme.

3. “Nobody Likes You When You’re 23.”

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That’s not a great message to put on cake. This is especially the case with the smiley face containing x’s.

4. Perhaps you might want to rethink the hotdog cake.

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Yeah, that hotdog doesn’t look right. Not to mention, the drizzle doesn’t resemble mustard.

5. Who doesn’t want a SpongeBob cake?

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That SpongeBob looks really disgusting, especially around the nose. Also, why does the cake have 6 candles.

6. Seems like Alexis will be very disappointed.

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Since Alexis wanted the letters in pink. While the decorator didn’t know how to follow directions.

7. I don’t think Bobby will get his Lone Ranger cake.

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The cake doesn’t even resemble a western scene. Also, “lone” is spelled “loan.”

8. Happy Birthday to Jenifer with “One N Only.”

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Well, at least they spell her name right. Though the “F” is capitalized.

9. Of course, every child likes a clown cake.

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Suddenly, Pennywise doesn’t seem too bad despite being an actual killer clown. Seriously, why do they cater clowns to children?

10. Speaking of Pennywise, this cake should make Stephen King fans rejoice.

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Well, if you want an IT themed party, you can’t go wrong with this. Since this cake can terrify the shit out of you.

11. Any little boy would enjoy an epic Avengers cake.

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Okay, if your son is into superheroes, you might want a cake that doesn’t include Thor’s hammer. In case Thor’s hammer resembles a dildo.

12. If you want to see Nightwing go against the Joker, you might like this cake.

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Actually you’d hate it. Since it basically consists of badly drawn figures playing basketball.

13. They only needed to put “Happy Birthday” on the cake.

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But someone just had to repeat the instructions. You have to wonder who decorates these things sometimes.

14. A Winnie the Pooh cake is always a wholesome choice.

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What the hell are Pooh, Tigger, and Eeyore are doing? Seriously, this can’t be good.

15. I don’t think Bobby will be pleased.

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Since it’s spelled out as “Booby.” Hope that doesn’t result in someone getting stuck with a bad nickname for life.

16. Someone wants sprinkles all over the monitor?

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Apparently, that’s what it says. Not sure why. Seems like someone doesn’t follow directions.

17. Perhaps you’d like to do nails on a cake.

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But the disembodied braceleted hands doesn’t seem to help matters. Since that’s kind of creepy.

18. Didn’t like the Minnie you put on the cake? Turn it into a bowtie.

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At least someone realized they made a mistake. Still, doesn’t seem to help matters as you can see.

19. So is this a cake for Buddy?

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Someone doesn’t seem so sure who this cake is for. Since there’s a question mark at the end.

20. Happy Birthday, Picks?

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Must be short for “Pickles” I guess. Still, doesn’t seem to go with the blue flowers.

21. You can just put the plaque right around the edges.

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Except it says, “Happy Birthday Plaque” like they expected it to be for anyone. And in pink icing, too.

22. Well, do you want it to say “Happy Birthday” or not?

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Apparently, some decorators pretty much put on what they hear on the phone. Wonder what was going on here.

23. For God’s sake, that’s not how you draw Mickey Mouse!

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Seriously, a blackface Mickey Mouse? Did the decorator have any idea of how extremely racist that is? Then again, Walt Disney didn’t see anything wrong with doing Song of the South.

24. Since when did Mickey have fangs?

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Excuse me, but that no way resembles Mickey Mouse. More like the Big Bad Wolf getting ditched by his prom date.

25. Apparently, you can’t use spell check on cake decorating.

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Yeah, the punctuation is horrible on this one. Also I’m not sure what that saying means. Hope Sue isn’t a grammar Nazi.

26. I don’t think that’s a great way to describe how someone’s aging.

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Also, that wine glass reminds me more of a misshapen toilet plunger. Seriously, how hard is it is to do wine glasses?

27. So it’s somebody’s buttday, isn’t it?

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Hope Sue isn’t too self-conscious. Because this is definitely something nobody wants on a cake, let alone a woman.

28. Hope you can blow the candles off this one, Oliver.

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Okay, “blow that” shouldn’t be on a cake. Because that could have a lot of a lot of negative and sexual connotations. Oh, it’s supposed to be “below.”

29. Perhaps you should go with a birthday message that doesn’t get censored.

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Also, that says “Jappy” instead of “Happy.” Not the kind of message you’d want to open with.

30. You should always remember your followers on their special day.

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It says, “Happy Birthday Stalker!” Makes me wonder what the relationship is between them.

31. Those who love the Smurfs would enjoy this cake.

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What the hell is wrong with his nose? Seriously, that’s messed up.

32. Hope you can appreciate a cake of your neighborhood Spiderman.

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Okay, that didn’t turn out well. Also, is that supposed to be a hand?

33. Any boy would love an Iron Man cake on his birthday.

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From Cake Wrecks: “Huh, I’ve never heard of Iron Man’s “exploding crotch” feature before. Must be an upgrade.”

34. You’d get excited over this monster truck cake.

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Yet, this truck seems to go on the shitty path. Seriously, the trail resembles a huge turd.

35. Don’t have Ninja Turtles? Perhaps a pencil box will do.

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Well, at least Craig’s getting a new pencil box for his birthday. Though I don’t think he’d want one.

36. I guess Delia is into rock music.

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From Cake Wrecks: “Clearly the baker just wanted to protect the identities of those poor musicians.” Seems reasonable.

37. Are you a boy who likes video games? This Mario cake is for you.

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Yet, I think the inscription shouldn’t have been handled by someone who transcribes like this. But at least they included an 8.

38. I sense a disturbance in the Force.

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Just because Disney now owns Star Wars. Doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to put Disney characters on a Star Wars cake. Because it isn’t.

39. Plenty of boys would love a Ninja Turtles cake.

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Guess that’s what they look like without their shells. Still, I don’t want to see that at all.

40. when it comes to baseball, please don’t include a bat.

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I know that’s supposed to be a baseball bat. But it looks more like a wooden lightsaber, a magic wand, or a dildo.

41. Hope Patrick doesn’t have a crappy birthday this year.

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Apparently, he doesn’t mind having smiling turds on his cake. Still, it’s kind of hilarious.

42. Don’t have Power Rangers for a cake? Use a T-shirt pic.

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This seems kind of cheap if you ask me. Seriously, you have to wonder about this.

43. Not sure what Derek’s friends think about him from this cake.

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Of course, we all know what a “douchebag” is. Then again, it just might be a term of endearment in this case.

44. A little princess must have a Barbie Princess Tiara cake.

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From Cake Wrecks: “All I see is a giant cat’s paw. Does Barbie have a cat? Is this somehow related? Am I over-thinking this? Where are you all going?”

45. Is that supposed to be a dragon head?

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Actually I’m not really sure what this is supposed to be. A frog? A fish? An alien?

46. If you have a winter birthday, you might want a cake of a snowy landscape.

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Looks more like a tree monster. And right now it’s hungry.

47. Well, at least that would be good news for anyone with celiac disease.

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Though would you want that written on a cake? Probably not.

48. Sometimes a request doesn’t really pan out.

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I think the family wanted musical notes drawn at the cake. Unfortunately, one decorator didn’t get the memo.

49. Apparently, Case doesn’t have a preference.

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Yet, the bakery could use someone who doesn’t write down everything the customer says. Kind of detracts from the aesthetic.

50. What the hell happened to Scooby Doo?

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Seems like the dog is on drugs or has been through a horrible accident. Hasn’t been the same since.

51. Do you want to eat a snowman?

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This was for a 12-year-old. But it’s clear they’re not a snowman. Because snowmen don’t last that long. Except on Hoth.

52. Would you like the message on top?

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Note how it’s phrased like a question. Though they put the message on top anyway.

53. If you like Speedracer, this cake is for you.

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Apparently, the decorator isn’t familiar with the material. Still, the first part is, “Go Peed Race” which is hilarious.

54. When someone wants sprinkles, you’d better give them sprinkles.

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Yet, someone just wrote what the person ordered on the cake. And there are no sprinkles around it.

55. Seems like someone doesn’t feel fond of the birthday boy.

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I guess this one was for a joke. Yet, why did the words appear in yellow?

56. Apparently, 1971 was a great vintage.

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Yet, we should know that while aged wine may peak at some point, it reaches a point of decline. Though such is life.

57. So is it supposed to be Mom or Mother? Let’s go with both.

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It says “Momther” as if they couldn’t choose between the two. That’s not even a word. Or should we add it to the dictionary?

58. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.” But maybe not like that.

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Okay, that’s pretty disgusting. Seriously, that’s a really long hairball.

59. They asked to have it in green.

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Instead, it’s written in red. But at least you can see a green balloon.

60. Someone must be a fan of NFL Monday night football.

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This one has a scantily clad woman riding a football. Not sure how that works, but I get the idea.

61. So is this for a 20th or 40th birthday?

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Because the cake has 40 on it. While the candles say 20. Not sure how that works.

62. Those are supposed to be balloons, by the way.

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Yet, looking at them, they seem like black and blue sperm. Not exactly what you’d want on a cake.

63. I’m sure a clown will put a smile on your face.

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Okay, that’s incredibly terrifying. Like something out of a nightmare or scary Asian theater.

64. They’re supposed to be brown balloons.

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Though they more likely resemble turds with tails. Yeah, kind of shitty isn’t it?

65. Well, a cat cake might be cute.

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Actually, I changed my mind. In fact, this cat is quite terrifying, even with the party hat.

66. It’s not every day you get booze on your 18th birthday.

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Yet, you wouldn’t get away with this in America. Since the drinking age in the US in 21.

67. When you turn 17, you shouldn’t forget to wear underwear.

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Though when you’re 17, you shouldn’t be reminded on it. Least of all on a birthday cake.

68. Any kid would enjoy a monkey cake.

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Okay, that monkey’s quite frightening. Not something for a 2-year-old’s party.

69.  Please use abbreviations for the months if you have to.

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Yet, some people just don’t know how to take directions. So you get a message like this.

70. Mind where the hooves dig in.

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Also, it seems the candles are coming from the horse’s ass. Also is that a pile of poo behind it?

71. Looks like the racer has gotten into an accident.

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Yet, the track looks quite messy for Motocross doesn’t it? Also I don’t think the racer will get out of the icing.

72. A Harry Potter cake will certainly bring out the magic.

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What the hell is up with his mouth? Seriously, that just looks really weird.

73. Well, Brian said he’s a Red Sox fan.

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Okay, the bat should go. Seriously, the phallic imagery is apparent.

74. Nothing makes a birthday cake like one with your face on it.

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I’d have to be an egomaniac to want that. Because this looks really strange if you ask me.

75. Sometimes less characters isn’t always better.

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I’m sure this is for a kid’s 13th birthday. But you’d think it was for a 13th, uh, something else.

76. Superman always flies faster than a speeding bullet.

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However, Superman looks more like he’s resting than flying through the sky to save people. Kind of lame if you think about it.

77. People always need support when they turn 40.

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Not sure if showing support means whipping out a bra. Then I get it’s supposed to be a joke.

78. Seems like Tinkerbell has really let herself go.

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God, her head is quite misshapen on this cake. While her wings are quite small.

79. Perhaps a dog cake will amuse you.

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Okay, that kind of frightens me. Seriously, the dog looks like it’s about to bite at somebody’s heels in cold blood.

80. If you like unicorns, you’ll love a cake like this.

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Though I’m not sure about the message. But at least they gave the unicorn a sweet pink mane.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party (Fifth Edition)

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Though I usually put a picture of myself in these ugly Christmas sweater posts, this year I’m opening with a generic picture. Mostly because I don’t have that many ugly sweaters in my closet. Nonetheless, you can see how ugly Christmas sweaters have risen from yuletide embarrassment to holiday party staple. In fact, there’s even a recent trend where companies have made these ugly Christmas sweaters on purpose as you can see above. Hell, we even have ugly Christmas sweater parties. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of ghastly holiday sweaters. Some of these may not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. Fans of Elf would love this Christmas sweater.
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Buddy the Elf said this line. Since he grew up in the North Pole as an elf.

2. A candy cane striped sweater should always have a tinsel wreath.

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Well, it’s green tinsel. Though I have to wonder whether it lights up.

3. Oh, deer.

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Indeed, these are 2 deer humping over the holidays. Wonder how they managed to withhold their sex drives during hunting season.

4. Fans of A Christmas Story will adore this holiday sweater.

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It’s the infamous leg lamp. Indeed, before that film’s release, it was basically something you’d find in a bar. Not anymore.

5. Perhaps you’d like a teddy bear on your Christmas sweater.

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This one has golden tinsel on the sleeves as well as presents and snowflakes. The bear wears a plaid onesie, too.

6. Best to get out the Christmas craft supplies.

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Yes, there’s am ugly Christmas sweater with craft stuff. Makes you wonder how the final product will turn out.

7. Ever heard of a Christmas llama with sunglasses?

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Here it wears a white and green scarf. And is that holly or mistletoe?

8. No Christmas sweater can have too many pointsettias.

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His sweater even depicts a bouquet. And I can’t tell whether he’s proud of it or utterly embarrassed.

9. Oh, no, it’s the Abominable Snowman!

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This guy has a sweater depicting those old Christmas specials from the 1960s. As the Bumble dons a Santa hat.

10. Take Christmas to the next level in an ugly Christmas suit.

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This one has pictures of Christmas icons. Even comes with a matching tie.

11. Christmas is always the season for sloth.

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This hoodie has a sloth on it. Donned in a Santa hat, it has a present for you.

12. You’ll run a gamut of emojis during the Christmas season.

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This one has faces in Santa hats with a variety of expressions. Some even have their tongues sticking out.

13. Nothing makes Christmas like a T-Rex.

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Though the dinosaurs died out long before Jesus was born. Includes rows of lights, candy canes, trees, and snowflakes.

14. On Christmas, Jesus is always the life of the party.

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Since Jesus is the birthday boy. Also, he wears a party hat, too.

15. Would you like a shot or a beer with Santa?

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Looks like Santa Claus may have a drinking problem. Hope he doesn’t get busted for flying his sleigh under the influence.

16. “Grandma got run over by a reindeer…”

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But this time the reindeer’s driving a car with a Christmas tree on top. Still, that’s pretty brutal.

17. Ever seen a mermaid Santa before?

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Yet, Santa seems to wear a seashell bra on his man boobs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s pretty unsettling.

18. Feel free to wear what you want on your Christmas dress.

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Her dress is even trimmed iwth white boa feathers. While she even wears an animal print Santa hat.

19. Oh, look a talking Christmas tree.

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Says, “I don’t want your balls on me!!” I’m sure anyone over a certain age will get this one.

20. Santa always loves to show off his stuff.

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Apparently, the North Pole has fallen on tough times lately that Santa had to get a second gig. But at least he’s fully clothed.

21. Santa has a big package for you.

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If it’s Santa’s junk, then I don’t want it. Besides, doesn’t he have a Mrs. Claus to come home to?

22. This year, Christmas is out of this world.

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Since this Christmas sweater depicts an alien in a Santa hat. Makes me wonder how aliens could celebrate Christmas though.

23. Make this Christmas a Hamilton Christmas.

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I’m sure they made this because of the musical. Because Hamilton doesn’t have much to do with Christmas besides being on the $10 bill.

24. Never thought I’d see a Christmas squatch in a bikini.

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Then again, I’m sure that female sasquatches are possible. That is if sasquatches really exist.

25. Nothing makes the holidays like a sweater with dinosaurs.

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The dinosaurs are green wearing Santa hats. Some on their tails.

26. When it comes to Christmas trees, some wear it for the party.

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This woman wears a Christmas tree sweater with lights. While her Christmas tree hat is made of tinsel.

27. A Christmas sweater can never have too many trimmings.

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This one has golden tinsel and fake holly and poinsettias. Perfect for any tacky sweater party.

28. A Christmas cat always goes for the mice.

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Here the cat hangs on a tinsel wreath. While catnip hangs overhead.

29. Perhaps you might prefer a skirt of bows.

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This one is covered in gift bows. While the upper hem is edged with golden tinsel.

30. Want a game of Christmas pong?

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Well, it’s like beer pong. Except all the cups are on the guy’s Christmas sweater.

31. Nobody can wait to meet Santa.

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This one has Santa visiting the kids. And they’re all crying for presents.

32. You can always be a hit at Christmas with a hunting vest.

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This one has a large jingle bell and Rudolph in a stocking. While the vest is edged with garland.

33. Apparently, the Grinch can be quite handsy.

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Well, the hands are made from fuzzy feathers. So is the trim as you can see.

34. A Christmas tree always needs a star.

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Since she’s wearing a Christmas tree dress. While her star is in a headband.

35. Move over, Jon Snow, for Santa Claus is King of the North.

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Here he sits on his candy cane throne. Yet, the Whitewalkers have nothing on him.

36. Can Santa pass the eggnog to Jesus?

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But Santa is a selfish asshole. So Jesus isn’t exactly pleased for making a sign for Peace on Earth.

37. “Don’t eat me!”

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But Santa doesn’t really seem to care. While his friends abandon him.

38. Didn’t know you could wear a gingerbread house.

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Well, she’s wearing a gingerbread house dress. While the sides reveal a brick wall.

39. A Santa dress doesn’t always need sleeves.

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Here she wears gold bows and a belt. Though she wouldn’t last in the winter cold if she didn’t wear a coat.

40. Santa comes through the mountains on his light-up T-Rex.

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I know this is crazy. But if you like Christmas and Jurassic Park, this sweater is for you.

41. Bet you didn’t hear about the Christmas walrus.

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Well, walruses do live near the North pole. Though this one has a Santa hat and looks quite confused.

42. Talk about taking “ho, ho, ho” to a whole new level.

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Mainly since this sweater depicts a stripper. Not necessarily one you’d want to wear around your folks.

43. Merry Christmas from the laser breathing T-Rex.

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For the T-Rex should get all the presents. I know this one is pretty crazy in any case.

44. Nobody can resist a Christmas suit with puppies.

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This one has puppies in each red and green square. So he’ll get plenty of chicks at the party. Or so he thinks.

45. A poinsettia suit will really stand out.

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Here he holds a hobby horse for good measure. Though I think the suit makes him too bright for Hawaii.

46. She thinks she’s Santa’s favorite Ho.

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I don’t think that’s a good thing to be. Then again, it’s not meant to be serious.

47. A Christmas suit should always have ornaments and lights.

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After all, this is a Christmas tree camo suit. Though I’m not sure if he blends in.

48. A gingerbread man is ready to be baked.

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Yet, this is a Christmas sweater for potheads. Just look at the pot leaves to see.

49. Don’t forget to sleep in these yuletide boxers.

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This one has a tie somehow. While Santas are on the side. Not sure what to think of this.

50. Frosty the Snowman smokes a gangsta pipe.

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I think that’s supposed to be Snoop Dogg wearing this. Also, Frosty’s wearing a gold chain.

51. Zombies are no match for Santa Claus.

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Here you see Santa with an assault weapon in the woods. And yes, he’s a zombie sleighter. Get it?

52. Even reindeer can drink too much at a party.

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Apparently, this reindeer’s going to hurl. Didn’t know they party hard like that at the North Pole.

53. Now you can ride on Santa’s sleigh.

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This one has a reindeer body that you put your head in the hoody. Wonder if it has antlers on the hood.

54. Nothing makes Christmas like a cat on a slice of pizza.

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The pizza slices even travel through space. While one is decorated with ornaments.

55. A reindeer head should always have a wreath.

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This guy seems quite proud of himself. Includes baubles on the wreath. While the reindeer is plush.

56. “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.”

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This is from A Christmas Story since Ralphie wants a BB gun. More of a jersey, but it counts.

57. Hope you have a merry Griswold Christmas.

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On the other hand, you might want to stay the hell away from the Griswolds during the holidays. Seriously, look what happened to their neighbors.

58. “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas…”

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Well, Betty White Christmas anyway. Other than one with snow, it’s the best kind of Christmas.

59. Even Santa Claus needs to take an occasional pit stop.

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Here Santa goes to the bathroom on the chimney. Either the kids have really been bad or the parent works for the Trump administration.

60. Megan Trainor always looks forward to your presents.

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Since there are presents on her Christmas dress. While her skirt is covered in holly and ornaments.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Fourth Edition)

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As anyone would guess, Christmas gifts are among the most important holiday traditions. Since if we didn’t exchange gifts during this time of year, we wouldn’t have all this Christmas commercialism in the first place. Nonetheless, while we always look forward to opening our Christmas presents, not all gifts will be winners. In fact, everyone has probably received a terrible Christmas gift at one point of their lives. After all, there are plenty of people who are very hard to buy for. Or many of the people in your life are on a budget. Or you had to buy a gift for someone you didn’t know or a secret Santa. But there are some gifts that go beyond the conventional bad Christmas presents. You’ll probably never receive any of these. But if you do, know that you’re probably not alone. Or someone has seen my bad gift posts and possibly hates you. In any case, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of holiday gift disasters. Some of these may not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. Jewel Encrusted Kleenex box
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Basically says, “you sneeze a lot and have very expensive tastes.” Besides, you can get cheaper tissue boxes than this.

2. Creative Cursing: A Mix and Match Profanity Generator

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If you want to protest Donald Trump like a Brit, this is the book for you. Otherwise, best not to give to children who might make their parents think you’re setting a bad example.

3.  Chambong  Shooter Set

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Now you can shoot champagne straight into your mouth. Might make people think you have a drinking problem.

4. Trumpy Bear

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He’s basically a Donald Trump teddy bear that will turn everything you love into shit. Great for inflicting harm on your enemies. Still, for the love of God, kill it. Kill it with fire.

5. Toothed Mug

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Guaranteed to creep people out when you have your coffee. Seriously, who puts teeth on a mug?

6. Toilet Donald

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From Huffington Post: “Imagine waking up at 3 a.m. and seeing this Toilet Donald statue angrily tweeting about some imagined slight. Oh, sorry. That’s a nightmare.”

7. Praying Mantis Angel

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From Huffington Post: “This praying mantis statue definitely offers a new angle on angels. If the recipient looks at you incredulously (a good possibility), just look beatifically at the sky and say, ‘the Lord does work in strange and mysterious ways.'”

8. Impeach Toaster and Jam

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From Huffington Post: “Looking for a gift for the person still feeling burned by the 2016 election? Want something special for the person who thinks Trump is toast in 2020? This Trump toaster burns the face of The Donald on one side of bread, with ‘You’re Fired!’ on the other. The product’s website also sells ‘Impeach Jam.'”

9. Tactical Kilt

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From Huffington Post: “If you’re in a situation where you’re wearing a kilt, it’s not a bad idea for it to be camouflaged (why call attention to yourself?). The Tactical Kilt is especially handy because it has pockets and compartments that allow you to hide weapons, the better to protect yourself if people make fun of you.”

10. Life Preserver Bottle Cover

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From Huffington Post: “Why a life preserver for a bottle of wine? If you have to ask why, you’ll never understand.”

11. Moose Foot Rest

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From Huffington Post: “After a hard day, there is nothing like resting your feet on a moose-shaped Ottoman. And there is probably nothing in your house that matches a moose-shaped Ottoman. Just a warning: If you get this for Christmas, your kids will never let you get rid of it.”

12. Potty Texter

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From Huffington Post: “Texting in a bathroom isn’t easy. You have to hold the phone with both hands, leaving nothing to hold a glass of wine (or anything else). The Potty Texter apparently makes it easier to answer nature’s call while answering emails or checking out social media feeds. Just promise me you won’t use this to do a Facebook Live feed, please?”

13. Hand Turkey Statue

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From Huffington Post: “Hand turkeys are a common art project for school kids, but few of them are as elaborate as this statue that combines a turkey head with a human hand. Or as creepy. Yep, definitely creepy.”

14. Beard Bib

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From The Huffington Post: “Some weird gifts are actually weirdly useful, such as the Beard Bib. Hook it to a mirror with suction cup and it will catch all the facial hair before it gets stuck on the sink. I assume it could also work for vomit, spittle, last night’s dinner and other things you don’t want in the sink, but that’s a little gross to think about.”

15. Vladimir Putin Scratching Post

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From The Huffington Post: “If Donald Trump can scratch Vladimir Putin’s back, why can’t your cat scratch everywhere else. Yes, all cats will be rushin’ to use this scratching post of the Russian dictator, even though others would rather scratch his eyes out.”

16. Mini Mobile LED Disco Ball

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That way, you can bring the party anywhere. But make sure you plug it in first.

17. Emergency Underwear

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If you need a pair on the go, these will serve you well. Just go into a bathroom and change first. Still, this is a pretty terrible gift.

18. You Said You Wanted Nothing Box

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For the person who said they wanted nothing. But you didn’t get the memo that they expected you to give them a gift anyway.

19. How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill by Knock Knock

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An ideal gift for the parent who wants to scare the kids straight. Then again, this might not be good for any children.

20. Chanel Lightbulb Heels

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For the woman who wants to make an electric entrance. Then again, I’m not sure if the light actually works. Also, looks pretty ridiculous.

21. Nude Art Purse

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As you can see, the art isn’t the greatest. Faces range from Cubist to goblin.

22. Nicholas Cage Sequin Pillow

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On one side, it’s shiny red. On the other is Nicholas Cage’s face. Hope your loved one enjoys this one.

23. Glow in the Dark Toilet Seat

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Now if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can find your way. Yet, it’ll make your toilet appear like a nuclear disaster area.

24. The Hungoevr Cookbook by Milton Crawford

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For the person in your life who loves food. But is often seen holding bottle of booze at a party when you see them.

25. Fifty Shades of Chicken by FL Fowler

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It’s like Fifty Shades of Grey. But with kinky chicken recipes to try with your partner. Then again, that might be a better idea than the real book.

26. Bernie Sanders Chia Head

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For the democratic socialist with a green thumb. Nonetheless, Bernie certainly has hair like that.

27. Farting Teddy Bear

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It’s a cuddly teddy bear known to break wind. Kids will love it. Parents not so much.

28. Motorized Rolling Pin

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Okay, this is a prank pack. But I’m sure many would want something that would roll the dough itself.

29. Big Head Squirrel Feeder

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Allows you to feed the critters outside. Though a bird feeder works just as well. Seriously, I’ve seen it in action.

30. Bluetooth Bathroom Scale

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It’s the hot new tech gift that nobody wants, especially women. Great for making that special someone hate you for the rest of your life.

31. Toilet Office Organizer

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You can store paper clips in the seat. While the figure holds tape as toilet paper and pencil at the mouth.

32. Crumpled Trash Throw Pillow

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From Buzzfeed: “Crumpled trash is the pinnacle of true love.” I’d beg to differ on that.

33. Chopstick Pencils

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Now you can eat and write with the same utensils. Okay, that’s quite unsanitary.

34. Star Trek: Next Generation Tiki Mugs

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From The Huffington Post: “This collection of tiki mugs — modeled on the mugs of various characters from ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ — is perfect for the person who loves foofy drinks and ‘90s sci-fi. As Jean-Luc Picard might say: ‘Make it so … alcoholic.'” Wait a minute, Cardassians and Ferengi are much more appropriate for Deep Space Nine.

35. Syringe Highlighters

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From Buzzfeed: “For the friend who has to endure medical school.” Or nursing school. Come in 6 different colors.

36. Eyebrow Razors

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It’s a cute way of telling your loved one that they remind you of the Wolfman. And that it might not be a good thing.

37. GameMaxx Hydrating Game Controller

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It’s supposed to keep you hydrated while you play video games. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack. Sorry to disappoint you.

38. iDrive Mobile Device Mount Accessory

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It’s a mount you can use to put your device up. Yes, it’s another prank pack. But that’s beside the point.

39. Anti-Fatigue Mat

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From Refinery29: “Because ladies LOVE doing dishes in their heels.” Actually we women do not.

40. Beginner’s Whittling Kit

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From Refinery29: “For the recent retiree or gentleman/woman/homesteader of leisure in your life, a gift that truly says, ‘This should keep you busy while you run out the ol’ life-clock.’ Your giftee will know you value traditional, rural handicraft and savings when you show them that it comes with a free issue of Carving Magazine!”

41. Bracelet Assistant

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From Refinery29: “Finally, a gift that reminds me of my arthritic wrists.” Maybe if you have arthritis, you shouldn’t wear bracelets.

42. Personal Pie Maker

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From Refinery29: “Finally, a girl can make four pies simultaneously, in a weird iron-maiden-type device, in the comfort and safety of her own home. Psych, everyone — this is actually the best gift.”

43. Wrap Purse

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From Refinery29: “It’s a scarf! No, it’s a purse! It’s a scurseparf! Forget those bras with pockets: Here’s the today way to sassily sport the valuables you need most, like your bling-y barrettes and Sophie Kinsella novels.”

44. Wine-Cork Trivet

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From Refinery29: “This is a super-classy, MoMA-approved way to commemorate the 36 most special times you ever got lit (precious memories). Don’t buy it for us, though. Our boxes of Chardonnay don’t come with corks.”

45. Edible Eyes

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They’re eyes you can stick on your food. Takes playing with it to a whole new level.

46. The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes by Ian Allen

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I’m sure it’s given to dads everywhere. With this book, they can be lame like the dad in that 1970s style cover.

47. Sushi Cat Keychains

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Indeed, these are cats on vinegar rice you can hang on your backpack or purse. For cat and sushi lovers everywhere.

48. Napsack Sleep Hood

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With this you can take a nap anytime and anywhere. Okay, this is actually a prank pack. But many would wish it can be the real thing.

49. Couch Potato Chips Pillow

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Guaranteed to last longer than a real bag of potato chips. Though this woman doesn’t know the difference.

50. Floppy Disk Coffee Table

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Comes with a secret compartment. Though your younger guests might think it resembles a save icon.

51. Chewing Gum Magnets

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From Buzzfeed: “HA HAR HA. Tell ’em how you really feel.” Wonder how people would react if you put them on your fridge.

52. Hinge Packing Tape

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It’s packing tape with hinges on it. Makes it seem that packages are easier or harder to open than they really are.

53. Cinema Place Mat

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Makes you think that your dinner is a preview. Not sure if that helps matters.

54. Pizza Bedsheets

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Do you love pizza so much you’d want to go to bed with it? Now you can in a way. Still, it’s kind of tacky.

55. Plop Trumps Card Game

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It’s a card game on the different kinds of poop there are. Disgusting? I know.

56. Polaroid Toilet Paper Holder

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That way you can get toilet paper like you got polaroids. Yet, many younger people may not know what this is supposed to resemble.

57. Beerzicle

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It’s to keep your beer cool when you don’t have a fridge in sight. Yeah, they seem to make so many beer products for some reason.

58. Coffee Talkies

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They’re coffee mugs with a 2 way radio. Okay, it’s a prank pack. I know it’s disappointing.

59. Quotations from Chairman Trump edited by Carol Pogash

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It’s supposed to be like Mao Zedong’s Little Red Book but with Donald Trump quotes. Let’s just say Mao was more eloquent in his oratory.

60. Rockin’ Wooden Spoons

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They’re wooden spoons shaped like guitars. Come in acoustic and electric.

61. Sarcastic Ball

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It’s like a Magic 8 Ball. But it’s gives you sarcastic answers. Then again, a real Magic 8 Ball was like that, too.

62. Emoji Golf Balls

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Well, they have a lot of other kinds of emoji stuff. Yet, imagine having to tee off with one of these.

63. Money Duck Soap

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It’s supposed to be a soap duck with money inside. By the way, the money’s not real as you can see.

64. I Could Pee on This and other Poems by Cats by Francesco Marciuliano

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So this is a poetry book by cats. Didn’t know they can write poems. Oh wait, they can’t.

65. Sloth Pillow

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It’s a pillow resembling a sloth. Blends in with the right kind of carpet.

66. The Proust Questionnaire

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I think it’s supposed to be a book asking questions about some French guy that no one reads. Well, that’s as far as I know.

67. Sleep in a Bucket: a Party Game

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It’s a card game featuring a variety of horrible and hilarious scenarios. Though Odo from Deep Space Nine slept in a bucket during the early seasons like it was nothing. Since he’s a shape-shifter.

68. Mitten Flask

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It’s supposed to keep your drink warm on a cold winter day. Though if you have one of these, you might also have a drinking problem.

69. Stress Balls

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For the woman who’s dealt with so much shit from men that squeezing a couple of nuts brings such sweet relief. Disgusting but kind of hilarious.

70. Waterproof Notepad

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It’s for writing notes while you’re in the shower. When you’re supposed to be cleaning yourself.

71. Tiki Fondue Set

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It’s a fondue for a luau party. Will go well with the Star Trek Next Gen tiki cups.

72. Tipsy Squirrel Water Bottle

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It’s a water bottle that resembles a bottle of moonshine. Though you have to love the passed out squirrel.

73. Turkey Pop Up Timer

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When it pops, the turkey’s done. Simple as that. Perfect for Thanksgiving.

74. Butt/Face Soap

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One side you use for your butt. The other side you use for scrubbing your face. Yeah, I know it’s pretty lame.

75. Fifty Shades of Brown Lavatory Mist

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It’s toilet spray for the kinky kind. Of course, it’s a way to tell someone that their bathroom smells like shit.

76. Smoking Donkey

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It’s supposed to be a donkey cigarette dispenser. Indeed, it’s in poor taste and fosters bad health habits.

77. Eyeball Lunch Box

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It’s a way you can carry your lunch and freak people out at the same time. Comes with eye chart.

78. Waxed Ranch Flavored Dental Floss

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It’s dental floss with a ranch dressing taste. While using it will clean your teeth, your mouth won’t smell like minty freshness.

79. Instant Audience

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For the person who needs constant reactions but can’t afford a crowd. Perfect for the person who has to work closely for Donald Trump.

80. Shittens

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They’re mittens for wiping your butt when you go to the bathroom. I’m sure they’re disposable.

81. Pizza Box Seat

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It’s a seat made from pizza boxes. Great way to show the world you love pizza and are poor.

82. Ryan Gosling Panties

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For the girl who loves Ryan Gosling. But if you’re her boyfriend, you’ll eventually get sick of looking at his face after awhile.

83. Selfies: A Photo Album of Me, Myself, and I

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Finally, a photo album for the pictures you take of yourself. Perfect for the narcissists in your life.

84. Drunk, Stoned, or Stupid: A Party Game

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It’s one of those party games where players decide who’s most likely to do what. By the way, no one wins at the game.

85. Happy Guy Cork Screw

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I’m sure this guy will make your parties. Though you wouldn’t want children to attend them. Since he has a rather swirly appendage.

86. Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush

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Now you can hear the music of Justin Bieber while cleaning your teeth. Perfect for that special someone who you want to see suffer.

87. Fortune Telling Tumbler

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From The Huffington Post: “Some people look for happiness in the bottom of a glass. Now you can see the future. The Fortune Teller Tumbler uses the same ‘technology’ of the Magic 8 Ball kids toy to answer life’s most pressing questions. ‘Am I going to get stupid drunk tonight trying to get a decent fortune out of this glass?’ ‘All signs point to yes.'”

88. Portable Breathalyzer

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From The Huffington Post: “Drinking more during the holidays? The AlcoMate portable breathalyzer can come in handy. However, take it from me: People get awfully competitive when you have a portable breathalyzer: Everyone will try to beat the other person’s score and the only one who wins is the Uber driver.” Perfect for choosing who’s going to be the designated driver.

89. Poop: The Game

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From The Huffington Post: “Just to be clear: Poop is a game, not actual poop itself. The game requires players to get rid of their ‘poop’ cards without clogging the toilet. Certainly, there are crappier gifts to get.”

90. Ben & Jerry’s Euphoir-Ice Cream Pint Combination Lock Protector

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For the person who’s a bit too possessive about their ice cream. Surely there’s enough to share around.

91. The Grilled Cheesus Sandwich Press

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Want to make a delicious grilled cheese and drive Bible Belt Christians nuts? This is for you.

92. Beer Helmet

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Perfect for the drunken frat boy in your life who loves beer. Like Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

93. 64oz Huge Giant Flask

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Comes with 2 shot glasses for a drinking game. Perfect for the drunk uncle in your life.

94. Fart Extinguisher

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It’s a way to manage those silent but deadlies. Though I don’t think it does shit.

95. Talking Donald Trump Statue

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From The Huffington Post: “Just what everyone wants for Christmas: A Donald Trump doll that spouts 17 of the trademark phrases he repeats at all of his rallies. Give this to a Trump supporter at your own risk, because they will keep pushing the button in order to push your buttons.” Unlike the real Trump, at least this one shuts up when you want it to and doesn’t take its unstoppable rage on Twitter.

96. DNA Wine

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From The Huffington Post: “Know someone who is really picky about their wine, but doesn’t know why they like what they like? Let DNA do the dirty work. The Vinome wine club selects wine based on the flavor preferences found in certain gene markers. The DNA spit test can help determine if the drinker is partial to bitter flavors, fruity flavors, and certain types of reds or whites. It worked for me and determined I like wine. Lots of it! Thank you, science!”

97. Gunsticles

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From The Huffington Post: “Gunsticles are metal balls in the shape of testicles designed to be attached to a gun. They serve no purpose whatsoever, other than to: A) tell others you have ‘balls,’ and B) letting others at the gun range easily spot the tool.”

98. Fish Sandals

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From The Huffington Post: “Fish sandals. Two words you never realized sounded so good together until you read them just now.” Still, they look kind of disgusting.

99. Hidden Door

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From The Huffington Post: “It’s not for everyone, but you know there is at least one person in your life who would love a hidden door. Bonus points if they are a legit mad scientist. Negative points if they operate a meth lab.”

100. Singing Pasta Timer

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From The Huffington Post: “Figuring out whether pasta is ready is one of life’s hassles, requiring a person to repeatedly pick spaghetti out of a boiling pot and fling it against a wall. Wouldn’t it better to have a singing piece of plastic to let you know? Please don’t answer that. I can’t hear you anyway.”

 

 

 

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Fifth Edition)

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Over the years, I have done posts showing parents the multiple ways Elves on the Shelves have been quite naughty behind closed doors. Indeed, every year during the Christmas season, Santa sends these red-clad spies to look into whether children are good enough to receive presents. Yet, this doesn’t mean the elves will be good themselves when nobody’s looking. I’ve often seen looking for incidents of elves behaving badly on the internet. And let’s just say a lot of these images aren’t suitable for an innocent child’s eyes. Nonetheless, parents have the responsibility on keeping an eye on the household Elf on the Shelf and report any shenanigans to Santa at 1-800-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, feel free to look at another assortment of Elves on the Shelves behaving very naughty. By the way, many of these images are unsafe for work and aren’t for kids, naturally.

  1. Dinkler has a confession to make.
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Man, that elf is quite devious. Wonder if he was planning to sell these drugs. Then that makes me ponder what Santa’s paying these guys.

2. Grinley is all dressed in black.

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Is he planning to rob something? Or is he dressed up as a ninja? Don’t have a great feeling about either scenario.

3. What the hell is Oliver doing with that contraption?

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Well, I’m not sure what that thing is. But Oliver seems to use it as a vibrator, apparently. So it’s kind of disturbing.

4. Cringle had to come back for Walking Dead night.

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Here he is among the undead. Makes me wonder how he can last before a zombie bites him.

5. “Hello, Clarice.”

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Seriously, you don’t want to go near Quincy. For he has a ravenous appetite for human flesh.

6. Twinkie likes to do target practice in his spare time.

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Are those dead birds? Looks like it. So how did they get inside in the first place?

7. Rump promises to make Christmas great again.

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Though he may not be as scary as Donald Trump, he’s certainly terrifying with his spray tan and horrendous toupee. If your kid has him for their Elf on the Shelf, they’re totally screwed.

8. Rumpy wants to build a wall at the US-Mexico border.

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Sorry, but that wall won’t keep undocumented immigrants out of the US anymore than a life-sized version at the border which would be a massive waste of money.

9. What’s bursting from Elliot’s chest?

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Oh, God, that’s a xenomorph! Get out of the house and get Ellen Ripley on Line 1.

10. Norman likes to doodle in his spare time.

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Is that what I think it is? And I thought graffiti was bad.

11. Got something to say, Rennie?

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Is he dressed up as Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs? Indeed, he must be a very sick bastard.

12. Danny wants you to know that Winter is coming.

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This is straight from Game of Thrones. And the marshmallow snow figures don’t seem happy about it.

13. Jingler has Woody all tied up at the moment.

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And I don’t think this constitutes in kinky stuff. Yet, Woody doesn’t seem to mind, disturbingly.

14. Calvin and the dolls are in for a wild ride.

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Are they all in the dryer? This won’t turn out well.

15. Snowball has really gone downhill lately.

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He seems passed out on booze and pills. Guess someone’s going to rehab after the holiday season. If the North Pole features a rehab center.

16. Plinko always likes to browse the web.

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Hey, at least he’s not looking at porn. Rather, he seems turned on by gorgeous women in sexy Christmas costumes.

17. Wendell and his doll don’t care about the rules.

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The sign says: No Horseplay in Hot Tub. Yet, they don’t seem to listen. Though the tub is a glass bowl with marshmallows inside.

18. Tinker is the only player with his clothes on in this strip poker game.

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Then again, his clothes are basically sewn onto him. That can’t be said for these dolls.

19. Perry has a knack with a sharpie.

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Here he’s put mustaches on the whole family. I know he’s not respecting his welcome to the Hendersons’ home.

20. At least Petey tries to play it safe.

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Yet, that doesn’t excuse him from doing a 3 way with a couple of Barbies in a stocking. Also, what are those nooky pills?

21. “Take that, Ken Doll!”

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Man, Winkle’s really going to town with him. Hope he doesn’t hurt any onlooking Smurfs.

22. Clinker has a profound confession to make.

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So kids can’t touch him due to a court order. If that’s the case, he shouldn’t be an elf on the shelf, period.

23. Daenys is the Mother of Reindeer.

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This is a takeoff on Game of Thrones. She’s supposed to be Daenyrs Targaryen who keeps dragons. Yet, the antlers seem to blaze fire for some reason.

24. Tina wants to try on a new face.

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Yet, that face seems to come from a Mr. Potatohead Santa. And the spud is certainly not pleased.

25. “Congratulations, it’s a reindeer.”

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Look, I have no idea how this is possible. So don’t ask me to explain. Seriously, this is really fucked up.

26. Chinker wants to show that Elf Lives Matter.

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Yet, I don’t know whether this policeman is convinced. Though in his defense, the elf is pretty creepy.

27. “This house isn’t big enough for both of us elves.”

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So Rinko has to put Gregor Elf into a candy dish. Man, that’s so cold with the “It’s easier if you don’t struggle.”

28. Crumpet has a lot of explaining to do.

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Apparently, he’s confessing to running a young girl’s innocence with Princess Jasmine. Guess he doesn’t know the meaning of discretion.

29. Belle’s been distraught over the Beast and Dinkie.

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I know it’s so wrong on so many levels. And unlike Belle, I can’t bring myself to look away.

30. Apparently, Brumpet has a bit of a drinking problem.

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Perhaps he might want to lay off the wine. I know that spying for Santa is quite a stressful job as it is.

31. Beware of Wembley when he’s in one of his moods.

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This is a takeoff on the Saw series which I’m not very familiar with. Yet, you don’t want to see an Elf on the Shelf wielding a bloody ax.

32. Jack Sparrow Elf can’t resist his Southern Comfort.

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Though you’d think he’d be more of a fan of Bacardi or Captain Morgan. Still, the Jack Sparrow get up is spot on.

33. Freddy wants to try his talent in the kitchen.

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Yet, he seems to enjoy hanging around hte knives for some reason. And no, the sharp end shouldn’t stick out like that.

34. Starky wants everyone to know that Christmas is coming.

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Indeed, another parody of Game of Thrones. Like how the iron throne is made out of cutlery.

35. Seems like these 4 elves really let themselves go.

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This is a spoof on Duck Dynasty. And yes, it’s kind of strange to see these elves in long beards.

36. Grigsby doesn’t mind losing his head over anything.

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Yet, he seemed to spill blood upon decapitation. Still, the smile remains.

37. Roddy loves enjoying company now and then.

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Here he is wearing chains with 2 Barbies and a bottle of Smirnoff. Elf thinks he’s gangster doesn’t he?

38. Apparently, Elmer doesn’t have good taste in TV.

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Well, maybe he’s homesick for the North Pole. Still, there must be better things to watch than The Real Housewives.

39. “Say your prayers, Blinko!”

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Apparently, these figures had put up with his shit way too long. But could you hardly blame them?

40. Frankie loves the gangster life.

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Wonder what the hell he’s doing with the British Queen. Still, those who live the gangster life usually go down to a violent end.

41. Trinkler just wants to tinker with the baby’s car seat.

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However, I wouldn’t want to put him in the same car as the baby. Since he seems bent on sabotage.

42. What’s Elver and the Abominable Snowman doing in the toilet?

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Yet, the yeti spreads Elver’s leg over the bowl for some reason. And I really don’t want to know why.

43. Don’t worry about Axel. He won’t harm anyone anymore.

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Seems like he killed an alien, Ham, and a couple Ninja Turtles. Thank God Dexter took care of him when he did.

44. Nicky wants you to put your furs on since winter is coming.

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Indeed, this is another takeoff on Game of Thrones. Though the fur doesn’t seem like anything you’d find in Westeros.

45. “Decorate your Christmas tree with this!”

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Here Quinkles smashes a bauble like it can’t be easily replaced. But it can since you can find them at almost any store this time of year.

46. Flicker appears like he’s out for blood.

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Seeing he’s got fangs, you’d take him for some elf vampire. If he’s in your house, keep him away from your kids.

47. Dingle has been sentenced to death by firing squad.

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Here he’s bound and blinded with plastic wrap. As plastic army men are commissioned to do the grisly deed.

48. Somehow Stevie got into some dirty laundry.

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Seems like he’s sniggering over what he’s seen among hte clothes. If you want to kill him with fire, be my guest.

49. Looks like Marvin’s ingratiating himself well among the toys.

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Yet, they seem to play cards with bottles of booze beside them. I’m sure they’re gambling as well.

50. Flinker is desperate for fast cash these days.

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So he’s resorting to raiding Travis’ dino bank. You’d think an elf wouldn’t sink so low to steal money from a child.

51. Gary should know better than get between 2 witches.

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Because a love triangle involving witches won’t end well. Gary should be lucky he’s not turned into a toad by this point.

52. Gringy has a penchant for some crazy pranks that go too far.

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He’s written “Redrum” on the mirror with lipstick. Cue the family freak out a few minutes later.

53. Ringer wants these tampons to smell better.

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Yet, putting candy canes into tampons doesn’t help. Seriously, it’s a very terrible idea for so many reasons.

54. Lexo is always fond of animals.

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Is he humping that dog? And what are the plushies doing in front of the elf? Okay, I really don’t want to know.

55. “Draw me like one of your French girls.”

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This is straight from Titanic as you can see. But Alvie relishes in drawing nudes.

56. Dare to come under the sidewalk.

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This is from IT by the way. Yet, seeing Rinty and the creepy kid, I’ll take my chances with Pennywise.

57. Pinny is watching you.

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This is an Elf on the Shelf as Pennywise the Clown. And yes, he’s quite terrifying to incite nightmares.

58. Tinkle always likes to try new things.

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So it’s supposed to be like they’re lighting his farts. Let’s hope he doesn’t eat anything from Taco Bell during the month of December.

59. Clickel knows how to make an entrance on his makeshift sleigh.

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This mostly consists of a Coors Light box and beer bottle reindeer. So it’s not a wholesome Christmas image meant for a postcard.

60. Chris can’t go back to the North Pole without a souvenir.

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Here he seems to get Mrs. Malmsey’s bra. What a dirty elf to come into her house.

61. Jimmy wants to know what’s under the caroler’s skirt.

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The caroler even carries an expression of shock. Apparently, this elf has his mind in the gutter when it comes to dolls.

62. Denny knows how to communicate with those trapped in the Upside Down.

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This is a takeoff from Stranger Things. Remember when Will’s mom came up with this display to communicate with him?

63. Yulie has been left to the dinosaurs.

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He’s tied up to make a meal out of the dinosaurs. Hope he enjoys this small toy version of Jurassic Park.

64. Tony always needs to get his hit now and then.

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In true Scarface fashion, here he is about to sniff some coke while he’s holding a weapon. Don’t mention the mustache and gold chain.

65. I wouldn’t go near Lexie if I were you, Blinkerbells.

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She’s been somewhat pale lately. Like she’s an undead zombie who’d infect you with her bite.

66. Tiller prefers to do what he likes on his ride.

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Apparently, he’d rather make love to a Barbie against a green screen. Not the safest thing to do on the road.

67. You can’t put Elmie down the drain.

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Sure you might have blood everywhere in your kitchen sink. But the elf will always rise again. Terrifying.

68. Santa knows when you’re sleeping. Vinnie knows when you’ll never wake up.

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Because if he could get away with it, he’ll try to kill you in your sleep. Sweet dreams.

69. Finley hasn’t been himself lately.

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Yeah, he’s kind of been eating the dolls as you can see. Also, he’s been a zombie for awhile. So it’s best to kill him with fire.

70. “Ready, aim, fire.”

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Lingle doesn’t like other elves in his premises. So he uses them as target practice. I know he needs to be put away somewhere. But I don’t know the jail situation in the North Pole.

71. Twinkletoes knows what’s pleasing to his eyes.

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Here we got him admiring Barbie’s tramp stamp under the Christmas tree. Indeed, he’s quite naughty, isn’t he?

72. Dinkledums wants to show the kids something.

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Uh, I don’t think the kids want to see a dead body. Seriously, they don’t want to do that during the holidays.

73. Turns out Teddy bit off more than he can chew.

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Now he’s floating in the toilet. It’s going to be a very icky job getting him out of there.

74. “Say goodbye, baby doll.”

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I’m sure Hinkle will add some fava beans to the baby stew. God, he’s a very sick elf, indeed. Kill him. Kill him with fire.

75. Dinny just wants you to leave the scissors on the table.

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Yet, he likes to watch you sleeping. So it’s best if you don’t trust him with sharp objects.

76. Look at what the Grinch has in his jar.

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Seems like he’s going to keep Yinkler in this mason jar for quite some time. And I wouldn’t blame the Grinch doing so.

77. Dinko won’t be deterred by the Grinch.

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Here he is tying the Grinch up and standing on it like he’s his trophy. My condolences to the Grinch.

78. Sly and Sleigh Bell always know how to have fun.

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Wait, they’re lighting each other’s farts. Seriously, this is a dangerous activity, especially during the holiday season.

79. Don’t look behind the shower curtain.

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Because Slinker is inside wielding a knife. Kill him with fire, please.

80. “Any last words, Elmo?”

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Apparently, Elmo doesn’t seem to have much to say. Though you can see him screaming as Buddy points a big ass knife at him.