Walkerville Elementary School PTA’s Petition to Fire Ms. Frizzle

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 20, 2015

TO: Principal Julius Ruhle

FROM: The Parent Teacher Organization of Walkerville Elementary School

SUBJECT: Petition to Fire Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle

Dear Mr. Ruhle:

In response numerous complaints from parents, teachers, and staff of Walkerville Elementary School, the Parent Teacher Organization has decided to issue a petition regarding the immediate dismissal of fourth grade teacher Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle. And we have received the necessary number of signatures all across the area to send this petition on your desk.

Now we are well aware that Ms. Frizzle is a very popular teacher among her students as well as described as intelligent, kind, happy, funny, supportive, loving, and somewhat motherly. She’s also known to be rather enthusiastic about scientific subjects according to her outlandish fashion sense. We’re well aware that she’s very good at her job and her students’ test scores reflect that her teaching methods are very effective. Normally a teacher like her would receive awards for her accomplishments. But she has also attracted a considerable amount of envy and scorn from the other faculty members whose students lack the enthusiasm and grades than those in Frizzle’s class. And it doesn’t help that her students’ high test scores have basically given her job security while other teachers have to struggle reaching out to their students. In short, while Ms. Frizzle has proven to be an effective and much loved instructor, she has made life for the other faculty members at Walkerville Elementary more difficult as well as a living hell. However, her effectiveness in the classroom is more of a source of complaint only among her colleagues than anything.

We are all aware that Ms. Frizzle is a rather strange and possibly completely nuts. However, it has come to our attention that she has behaved in a way that’s unbecoming of a public school teacher as well as possess a certain regard for school policy. Among her violations, these consist of:

Failure to Enforce Dress Code Policies: It comes to our attention that two of Ms. Frizzle’s students have repeatedly violated school dress code policies which she has failed to discipline. This consists of a boy who always wears his hat in class and never removes it and a girl who wears a long sweatshirt and tights (as well as nothing else over these tights as far as we know). School policy dictates that hats are prohibited inside the building at all times while tights aren’t considered pants at all.
Failure to Conform to Pet Policies: Though classrooms are allowed to keep pets, they must be small and kept in some sort of containment like a tank or a cage. Ms. Frizzle’s class keeps a pet Jackson’s Chameleon named Liz who is always outside among her students. This makes her a walking health hazard as reptile bites can cause salmonella. Not only that, but Ms. Frizzle also takes her on field trips as well as leave her in charge of her students whenever she has to leave for a brief period acting as a substitute teacher. Then again, it’s said the Liz is no ordinary lizard.
Questionable Vehicle Possession: She owns a school bus which is said to be “very unusual” and have a mind of its own in which she uses to take her students on field trips. Her students claim that it’s capable of shrinking and expanding as well as transforming itself into many kinds of items during field trips like robotic animals. In fact, it has been known to provide its passengers necessary equipment as well as transform them into animals. And whenever it shrinks, so do its passengers. It’s even capable of time travel and traveling through screens as well as a lot of other stuff. Though usually under complete control, it can also exhibit independent or even irrational behavior. One student remarked on how the bus malfunctioned with size despite Frizzle trying to repair it, disassembling itself into raw materials while scowling after having done so to several other structures (though one student did slam her fists on its hood before the incident), and becoming a bear wandering off from the class in search of food. We are unsure of the vehicle’s origin or its safety record. In fact, we’re not sure if this vehicle is even street legal, licensed, or even inspected. Okay, she has had her vehicle inspected by a mechanic but he was lousy since he did so not only while eating a peanut butter sandwich, but also insisted that the bus had to go to the junkyard to be crushed. We know better but the bus is still hard to classify.
Misconduct Involving Field Trip Policies: Ms. Frizzle tends to take her students on field trips fairly often which seem more like spur of the moment decisions than anything. School policy dictates that field trips need to be planned before receiving administrative approval. And furthermore, before the trip, teachers are required to distribute permission slips to the students for their parents to sign. Ms. Frizzle has observed none of that whatsoever. Obviously, this has led to plenty of complaints from parents, particularly those who’ve had to pick up their child early. We will elaborate on the nature of these field trips later in this petition.
Supervision Failures: Like we said before, Ms. Frizzle tends to put the class pet Liz in charge of the class when she has to leave for brief periods of time. A lizard does not make an adequate substitute teacher at all under any circumstances. Nevertheless, there were some incidents where she left some students alone or with the lizard for long periods of time.
Sanity Issues: Ms. Frizzle may be a good teacher academically, but some of her teaching methods have led us to question her sanity. For instance, she seems see nothing wrong exposing her students to learning experiences that either puts them in danger or psychologically traumatizes them. Nor does she have any understanding of parental notification at all. When she addresses any dangers, it’s usually in rather casual manner. Therefore, we believe that she might need some psychiatric evaluation or even be put into an institution. Or a terror watch list.

As you’re well aware of, Ms. Frizzle tends to take her students on many exotic field trips pertaining to scientific topics. She also has a supply of other gadgets she takes along with her as well. While it’s apparent that these trips provide valuable educational experiences and provide no costs to taxpayers (since she always uses her bus for these), we find her field trip ideas questionable. Not in educational content mind you, but in the realms of safety and trauma inducing. We should keep in mind that Ms. Frizzle teaches third graders but her field trips present all kinds of safety hazards and content that might send them to a lifetime of therapy. Unsurprisingly, many parents have complained about these trips, especially since they seem to be otherwise impossible to execute. Some initially questioned whether these “field trips” consisted of Ms. Frizzle distributing hallucinogenic drugs to her students but it’s turned out not to be the case. In fact, her bus is either magic or just a very advanced piece of technology. We’re not sure which. Nevertheless, some of her field trip ideas consist of the following:

Outer Space (went there at least 4 times. One incident had a student taking off his space helmet on Pluto which should’ve frozen him to death, instead of give him a mere chill. They also were close to a super massive star that exploded into a super nova, which also should’ve either vaporized them or crushed them to death in a black hole. Not to mention, they have been inside the sun which should’ve incinerated them on the spot just for getting close. Also, there’s the fact that Ms. Frizzle is willing to travel to places in space where NASA wouldn’t even risk sending their own astronauts to)
Inside a Human Body (with the body being one of her students, no less. Another time they went inside a body of another student who was home sick {which was filmed for a Broadcast Day project} as well as one who turned orange. One incident had a student being caught on a wad of swallowed gum in the small intestine. Another had white blood cells attacking the bus. The sick student’s mother was mortified at the disturbing footage of his classmates being inside her son. And she’s a doctor out of all people)
The Waterworks (yes, this might not seem unusual at first, but her idea entails the whole class to be in scuba suits as well as turned into actual water that results in them being carried through the water purification system and going back to school through the pipes leading to the girls’ bathroom)
Through the Center of the Earth (which would’ve vaporized everyone at the earth’s mantle which is filled with molted magma)
The Ocean (not the beach as we know it. But the actual ocean involving underwater food chains, salmon migration, coral reefs, tides, and the ocean floor. Incidents range from having kids turned into sea creatures as well as being swallowed by fish)
Prehistoric Times (with one of the students leaving a fossilized footprint from the Cretaceous period as well as the class being attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Fortunately, they weren’t attacked by the large herbivores despite the fact that Ms. Frizzle allowed her students to be near and touch their babies)
The Desert (where the whole class spent the night. This trip has received a lot of complaints from these students’ parents, some of whom have called the police to file a missing person’s report when their children didn’t come home from school that afternoon. The school suffered greatly in accountability because it had absolutely no idea where Ms. Frizzle and her students were at the time until the next morning. Most teachers, parents, and staff were in total emotional panic over this and were outraged that you didn’t fire Ms. Frizzle over this)
Inside a Hurricane (which is dangerous enough to wipe out whole cities and kill people. One student got sucked out of the bus and fell into the ocean several hundred feet below. Luckily he only got soaked even though he should’ve gotten him severely hurt if he was alive. Nevertheless, unless it’s their job or they have nowhere else to go, we usually have a name for those who stick around during a hurricane. They’re called, “morons.”)
Inside a Beehive (as worker bees, even the boys. Hive was also infiltrated by a honey hungry bear)
The Power Plant (but this involved the bus turning into a dump truck where it pours and shrinks the class into the plant that leads to them traveling through the electrical system. Again they should’ve been fried when going through the electrical circuits)
The Bakery (another seemingly normal field trip except that it involved a the bus malfunctioning and shrinking the students having to make the cake themselves, all the while the baker in question calls pest control complaining about moths and is called crazy. The bus and the students were also stuck in the oven during baking time before bursting out of the cake. All this with Ms. Frizzle being in the auto parts store the whole time)
Inside an Underwater Volcano (which should’ve fried them for getting too close to the lava)
Inside an Anthill (which the students have filmed. From an adult perspective, it’s terrifying, especially the part when the ants carried off the students one by one)
The Arctic (where the bus froze and two students were stranded with it on an ice flow. Students also jumped into the water covered in blubber but there’s a strong chance at least one of them should’ve caught hypothermia)
Inside a Monster Movie from 1953 (which resulted in the bus being hijacked by a military general in the film as well as at least two students being caught in a spider web. Also were attacked by a giant praying mantis as well as at least one spider. Not to mention, class fell into a spider burrow)
Inside a Student’s Home Bathroom (in which they were all shrunk by Ms. Frizzle’s Porta-Shrinker before being locked in by the same student’s toddler brother, no less. Toddler also destroyed the Porta-Shrinker as well. Class had to use the materials available to build structures in order to escape from a bathroom window. One student nearly fell in the toilet during the process. Meanwhile, the toddler in question was playing with the shrunken school bus after the dog dropped it from its mouth. Also, keep in mind that this student’s mother keeps a gila monster in the sandbox as well as an alligator in the bathtub. Why they don’t call child services on this family is beyond us)
The Rainforest (in South America. It’s amazing that nobody caught any tropical diseases, were chased by crocodiles or piranhas in the water, or ran into kidnappers or Colombian drug lords. In fact, they were lucky just to be caught in a stampede)
Inside a Chicken and an Egg (all while you entrusted her your pet rooster Giblets who later flew the coop, idiot. One student would even be stuck in the egg as it incubated at a very fast pace until it hatched)
In the City Streets (with the bus as a bear and the whole class as critters, which led it being chased by the city authorities. Not only that, but Ms. Frizzle had no control of the bus since it turned into a bear and wandered off from the class who had to search all over the city to find it)
Inside a Bean Plant (with her turning one of the students into that plant in question, no less. I mean she still had her human head to prove it)
Inside a Model Airplane (which crashed and resulted in two of the students having to rescue Ms. Frizzle and the rest of the class)
The Sound Museum (of course, parents knew about this trip ahead of time as being overnight. However, there’s reasonable evidence that Ms. Frizzle triggered a bus breakdown deliberately so the students could stay in the haunted sound museum overnight)
A World Without Recycling (where the bus basically disassembled everything, including itself with a recycling ray)
Inside a Pickle Jar (which Ms. Frizzle might’ve “accidentally” got the whole class stuck in. Another time some students were almost squashed by a cucumber)
On a Mountaintop (in which the bus triggered and was involved in a rockslide, intentionally)
Walker Lake (where the whole class panicked over the notion of a monster eating their fellow classmate. In another incident that same student was dragged to the bottom by seaweed)
At a Junkyard (a trip to this place would seem normal for Ms. Frizzle. However, a junkyard is filled with all kinds of safety hazards and is a very inappropriate place for a field trip. Still, in this place, the students built a robot that eventually went rogue. Also, witnessed a space shuttle crash through a garage roof)
Inside the Bus’s Engine (in an attempt to fix it due to a mechanic’s careless mistake with his peanut butter sandwich. However, the fact that it’s internal combustion would pose a safety hazard for students)
A Pond (which led to a student nearly drowning twice as well as the class being chased by a brown, hungry cat)
Inside a Rotted Log (where the class narrowly avoided being stomped)
Her House (in an attempt to fix her doorbell on Valentine’s Day where she invited the class to her bedroom {though nothing inappropriate happened in there}. However, the bus with all but one of the students gets stuck inside a lightbulb as well as in a circuit and a battery. Now being struck by lightning is lethal enough. But we’re amazed that these kids were in an electrical circuit and returned alive. All this without Ms. Frizzle’s supervision)

As teachers, parents, and staff of the Walkerville Elementary community, we find it amazing that Ms. Frizzle’s field trips always has everyone returning alive and in one piece. However, we must understand that these field trips show that Ms. Frizzle is completely nuts and should never be around children. Among the incidents that happened on these field trips include:

Being turned into various animals like bats, salmon, bees, sea creatures, mussels, reptiles, or city critters (yes, it’s all for scientific purposes, but still)
Leaving the students unsupervised on multiple trips (with one of them being in outer space)
Being shrunk on multiple occasions (which leaves them encountering animals several times their size)
Casually referring to mortal dangers as it was nothing more than a usual safety hazard (such as looking in her insurance manual as the bus is being attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. She also seemed calm or possibly rather excited while the bus was being eaten by a tuna fish as well as when the whole class was being chased by a brown, hungry cat)
Being transformed as water on two occasions.
Might’ve deliberately set some “accidents” in order to use a certain situation as a field trip opportunity.
Allowing a student to create a thunderstorm (which understandably got out of hand as you would expect)
Entering at least two students’ bodies without any informed consent, parental or otherwise (no, she didn’t molest them. She just used their bodies for field trips with that bus of hers, which might violate their privacy)
Having no qualms about doing anything to her students without any parental consent, especially when it pertains to them being constantly shrunk, blasted, baked, nearly devoured, electrocuted, trampled, and other life threatening and traumatizing situations.

Nevertheless, parents who have children in Ms. Frizzle’s class are always advised to take out a living will on their behalf as well as a possible life insurance policy. Yes, we’re aware that Ms. Frizzle’s students usually survive her field trips without serious injury, but it that doesn’t mean such incidences won’t happen in the future. The last thing our school needs is a lawsuit from the parents, especially if it pertains to personal injury or wrongful death. Unsurprisingly, we tend to see Ms. Frizzle as a big liability and as you know, our school budget simply can’t afford to accommodate litigation and settlement costs, especially if they pertain to her field trips. Such financial constraints have made us increasingly nervous any time Ms. Frizzle and her students go on a field trip on that magical bus. And we all know how many politicians are happy to cut funding to education, particularly during bad economic times. We see nothing wrong with teaching children science. In fact, we strongly believe that science should be included in our education curriculum since it’s important kids learn about our natural world. It’s just that we don’t think giving students an adequate science education is worth putting them in dangerous situations like Ms. Frizzle does which we believe just goes way too far.

We also have to be aware that while Ms. Frizzle’s students may excel academically, they also run a severe risk of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now there’s nothing wrong with exposing children to science but most teachers prefer that students learn through textbooks and documentaries for a reason. Ms. Frizzle, on the other hand, exposes her students to life-threatening as well as nightmare inducing situations. As far as we know, she doesn’t seem to take into account whether her teaching methods jeopardize her students’ safety or scar them for life. And it’s no surprise that many of her former students have sought intensive psychotherapy. Some of have even attracted academic interest from plenty of experts as well when it comes to assessing the potential psychological damage. The bespectacled red haired boy in Ms. Frizzle’s current class will certainly make a fascinating addition to that bunch after he’s done with her.

Thus, as the faculty, staff, and parents of Walkerville Elementary, we are absolutely convinced that despite her effectiveness, Ms. Frizzle is significantly unfit to teach at this school. Her disrespect for school policies, dangerous teaching methods, casual irresponsibility toward her students, and questionable sanity have made a huge liability for the school that we strongly urge her dismissal from Walkerville Elementary School immediately. She may have a loveable personality and sound academic credentials but she’s literally insane that no sane parent would want their kids anywhere near her. We know such measure might hurt Walkerville Elementary School academically as well as be unpopular among the students. But we insist that this school can’t deal with the unfortunate implications of keeping her here, especially when it pertains to putting students’ well-being at a significant risk in the name of education. She simply can’t be trusted with children and the records show this. If not, then the faculty and staff may have no choice but to go on strike as some parents might consider sending their kids elsewhere. Therefore, Mr. Ruhle, we strongly advocate that you get rid of this woman before she causes any further damage.

Sincerely,

The Walkerville Elementary School Parent Teacher Association

The Early Lives of Celebrities in Pictures

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 12, 2015

Me and my sister at some park swing set in 1994. Now I'm not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. But I just thought this photo was appropriate. That's all.

Me with my mom and my sister, Molly at some park swing set in 1994. Now I’m not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. But I just thought this photo was appropriate to open this post. That’s all.

As human beings, while there are hundreds of ways to die, we all pretty much start our lives the same way. Obviously, all of us start our lives as babies and progress through childhood. And let’s just say, celebrities are no different. Yes, they’re famous and live more affluent lives than we do. Yes, they tend to be targets of the paparazzi and tabloids. Yes, they even get stories about them in the newspaper. But like you and me, we tend to forget that the rich and famous did start out as children. Still, when you look at some of their pictures, it’s pretty interesting. This is particularly the case in some of these old baby pictures when you even see boys wearing dresses. Now in this post, I present to you an assortment of photos of well-known celebrities. Some of them you will know while others you may not. Some of them are currently dead while others may be very much alive and might not want me to show them for fear of embarrassment.Now by “celebrity” I tend to include anyone who’s famous, not just people you see in Hollywood or in the entertainment industry. So without further adieu, here are some childhood pictures of celebrities in their early lives.

Cat Stevens

Now Cat Stevens looks quite spiffy as an English schoolboy than the kind of folk rock singer-songwriter he’d become in the 1970s. He’d also be known for converting to Islam later on and changing his name to Yusuf Islam. Then again, he was the son of a Greek Cypriot and a Swede.

2. Charles Boyer

Awwww. He’s such an adorable little French baby. Of course, it’s hard to imagine this little guy growing up to be Ingrid Bergman’s psychological abusing husband in Gaslight. He was also an inspiration for Pepe le Pew, by the way.

3. Salma Hayek

Of course, even as a baby she knew she was destined to be a star. Also, I love the bow in her hair.

Of course, even as a baby she knew she was beautiful enough for the camera. Also, I love the bow in her hair. So cute.

4. Stephen King

Just a little kid in the park. You know the kind of little boy who’d grow up to have a really demented imagination. Still, even as a little tyke he has that signature smile.

5. Rudyard Kipling

Judging how they dressed boys in those days, I guess he’s probably old enough to attend grade school. Yet, he’s so distinguished in his little suit. Of course, he’d later wear glasses, grow a mustache, and go bald. Still, he’s best known for his literary output on India during the Raj.

6. Bob Dylan

This is him while he was 3 years old and known as Robert Zimmerman. However, not sure if his dipes, they need a-changin' or not.

This is the famed singer-songwriter while he was 3 years old and known as Robert Zimmerman from Minnesota. However, not sure if his dipes, they need a-changin’ or not. Also, not sure how he sounded like but let’s just say he’s not praised for his vocals. Besides, I don’t think he wants to go to Maggie’s Farm no more.

7. Henry Ford

Can’t believe this little boy in the ruffle and funny hat would grow up to become one of the most influential innovators in history. I mean he came up with the auto assembly line with the Model T and established the Ford Motor Company. Also was a noted anti-Semite though.

8. Angelina Jolie

Well, she might be blond but she does have the lips. Still, this little girl is bound to grow up to be one of the prettiest stars in Hollywood today. She’d also adopt a bunch of kids and have a few with Brad Pitt.

9. Adele

Now this little lady will soon grow up to be a Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter best known for her sultry voice. Would also do the theme song for Skyfall. Still, this photo is suffering from serious red eye here.

10. Christopher Walken

Sure he’s a kid at this time but he’s actually quite cute. However, adult Christopher Walken is better known for his scratchy New York accented voice as well as looking quite haggard and creepy.

11. Tina Fey

Well, she has the scar on her face. However, she also may be sporting a mullet from what I can tell from this picture. Of course, it really does look like her.

12. Barbara Stanwyck

Of course, it doesn’t quite look like Barbara as we know here. However, she’s also known to have a really shitty childhood with her mom being killed by a drunk driver and her dad deserting the family. She was also placed in a series of foster homes as well.

13. Jennifer Lopez

Normally, when I hear about J. Lo, an image of a little girl in a dress and braid loops doesn’t really come to mind. I’m not sure why. Still, this is an adorable picture.

14. Harry S. Truman

Yes, this is baby Harry Truman who’d later grow up to become one of the most wise ass presidents of the United States. Of course, at this moment he’s basically dropping atomic bombs in his diapers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

15. Robert Pattinson

For some reason, he kind of reminds me of my cousin. Well, at least the blond hair. Still, he’s much cuter than the pale, emotionally abusive, creepy, and one-dimensional vampire he’d become famous for.

16. Vincent Price

Yes, he was a rich boy as you see in this picture. But he’d soon become one of the most famous horror movie legends of all time with his distinctive, creepy voice. He’s also Tim Burton’s hero.

17. Betty White

Even then she had the dimples. Of course, Betty White was also famous for a pioneer in television. But you probably know her as a funny old lady from the Golden Girls.

18. Lenny Kravitz

Seated with his mother so she could make sure that he doesn’t split his coveralls while standing up. It’s also funny if you consider the fact he wore gold mascara as Jennifer Lawrence’s fashion designer on The Hunger Games.

19. The Sundance Kid

Pictured with his dad who doesn’t seem very affectionate here. Of course, this little tyke from Pennsylvania will go on to have a life of crime out west, die in South America, and be played by Robert Redford. Yes, a true American outlaw legend.

20. Ernest Hemingway

Something tells me that this little boy didn’t seem to care too much about wearing frilly dresses. Guess it’s because he’d grow up to lead a life doing all kinds of men’s stuff like going to war, hunting big game in Africa, watching a bullfight, getting drunk in Paris, screwing a bunch of women, being married 4 times, and committing suicide in Idaho. I’d like to page Dr. Freud to determine whether this little guy spent the rest of his life compensating for something.

21. Martha Stewart

When she grows up, she’ll become a domestic diva as well as a convicted felon. But right now, isn’t she so adorable? Wouldn’t you just love to see her in the kitchen or making crafts? But hold onto your wallet.

22. David Bowie

Who knew that this little diaper filler will go on to become a recording artist known to wear outrageous outfits during the 1970s. Also played the Goblin King in a movie where he wore skin tight leather pants.

Who knew that this little diaper filler will go on to become a recording artist known to wear outrageous outfits during the 1970s, in which he performed as Ziggy Stardust. Also played the Goblin King in a movie where he wore skin tight leather pants.

23. Bruce Willis

Enjoy that blond hair while it lasts little guy. Because like your marriage to Demi Moore, it’ll be gone before you know it. Luckily your action movie career shows that you’ll embrace the change.

24. Neil Young

Now I hate to say this but he was certainly one ugly kid while growing up. Besides, his teeth are kind of freaky. Still, at least he’ll grow up to sometimes join Crosby, Stills, and Nash as well as write a bunch of great songs as a solo artist. His voice, however, is something to be desired.

25. Conan O’Brien

For some reason, I’m not surprised that Conan was the red haired kid with freckles while growing up. Still, he needs to watch out for the local big bully, Jay Leno who’d give him the chance of hosting a late night show before taking it away from him. Yes, he got screwed big time.

26. Jane Goodall

Now here’s the little lady with her toy chimpanzee, which is so adorable. Little did we know that it would amount to a lifetime of studying chimpanzees in the wild in Africa.

27. Cary Grant

Who knew that the man we associate with classiness would start out as some poor boy from Bristol? Of course, Grant would also have a pretty rotten childhood in which his dad put his mom in a loony bin so he could shack up with his girlfriend. Yeah, little Archie Leach didn't have an easy life and left home for Vaudeville at 14.

Who knew that the man we associate with classiness would start out as some poor English boy from Bristol? Of course, Grant would also have a pretty rotten childhood in which his dad put his mom in a loony bin so he could shack up with his girlfriend. Yeah, little Archie Leach didn’t have an easy life and left home for Vaudeville at 14. He also had a Cockney accent, by the way.

28. Jimmy Fallon

Now this little boy doesn’t seem camera shy in the slightest. Of course, it’s funny how my dad thought he wouldn’t amount to anything after he left SNL. Boy, he didn’t seem to bet on him hosting Late Night or the Tonight Show. Loved how he turned the theme of Reading Rainbow into a stoner anthem.

29. Justin Bieber

Yes, he’s adorable as a teddy bear. But when he grows up, chances are unless you’re preteen to teenage girl, you’re probably not going to like him. This is especially the case when he does a lot of other obnoxious things.

30. Gerald Ford

At the time, he was known as Leslie Lynch King Jr. Of course, his parents would split up and his mom married a much better man who adopted him and gave him his name. That man was Gerald Ford. Still, he’d go on to play college football and pardon Richard Nixon. Nevertheless, I think he’s adorable in his little dress and playing his accordion.

31. James Cagney

Can’t believe that this little boy in frills and stroller would grow up to play gangsters at Warner Brothers. Then again, he did play George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy. Still, I don’t think he looks too happy.

32. Eric Clapton

When he grows up, he’s going to become one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time as well as steal George Harrison’s first wife, Patti Boyd. Will also be inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame 3 time as part of the Yard Birds, Cream, and as a solo artist.

33. Kanye West

Of course, this little boy will soon become an obnoxious rapper who will interrupt Taylor Swift’s awards speech at the VMAs. He’d also marry Kim Kardashian and name his daughter North. But isn’t he so adorable in that clown hat?

34. Mohandas K. Gandhi

Yes, this is the future Mahatma as a 4 year old boy in India. I’m sure his idea of passive resistance won’t work for him when it comes to afternoon naps. Because India tends to be a rather hot place.

35. Billy Joel

Yes, this is the little Piano Man himself without his two front teeth. Of course, he’ll grow up as a well as endure moments when he crashes cars into houses. Will also be married to Christie Brinkley during the 1980s.

36. Leonardo DiCaprio

Yes, that’s Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, he was a kid in the 1970s so his parents probably thought that hairstyle was cute. Of course, he’d end up becoming a star after Titanic. But he should’ve been nominated for Django Unchained.

37. The Dalai Lama

Of course, unlike many of the celebrities on this list, he assumed his position when he was still in diapers. Of course, he wouldn’t stay in Tibet for long due to the rise of Chinese who forced him to flee to India.

38. Miley Cyrus

Sorry I couldn’t find a baby picture of her on a wrecking ball, which would’ve been so adorable. Still, this is as close as I could get.

39. F. Scott Fitzgerald

Some of you may not know who he is. But this little boy would go on to write The Great Gatsby, a book a lot of teenagers are required to read in high school. He was also a drunk and had a crazy wife. Oh, and he’s played by Loki in Midnight in Paris.

40. Stephen Hawking

Yes, this is the world famous physicist Stephen Hawking. Of course, at this point he got to do a lot of things on his own that he wouldn’t be able to do later in life like crawling. Still, he’s probably not capable of solving complex physics problems, yet.

41. Lucille Ball

Of course, you’ll remember her for being in a 1950s sitcom as being married to Ricky. But once she kicked Desi Arnaz out for being a creep, she assumed control over their production company which helped put on a lot of classic shows. One of these would be Star Trek.

42. Jeff Bridges

Yes, the Dude high fives, apparently. Still, this is a picture of him with his dad, Lloyd. Nevertheless, even at the age of 2, he’d make his debut as Jane Greer’s baby in The Company She Keeps. Still, he’s the best known actor from that family.

43. Steve Martin

Seems like this little boy from Waco will soon be one of the best known celebrities today. Of course, he’s said to be a hell of a banjo player and his “King Tut” song is hilarious.

44. Bette Davis

Now this baby girl will grow up to be one of Hollywood’s foremost actresses and have big eyes. Her roles would range from ugly ducklings, spinsters, fallen women, divas, and bitches. Oh, and she’d go on to be president of the Academy of Motion Pictures and win 2 Oscars as well as have a career that spanned nearly 5 decades.

45. Humphrey Bogart

Now his baby picture is just simply adorable. However, the adult Humphrey Bogart isn’t remembered for his cuteness. In fact, he’s much more appealing for his, uh, personality.

46. Meryl Streep

Seemed to be such a smiley baby and loved puppies. Of course, she might’ve been quite the diva as well. Still, she’ll grow up to be one of Hollywood’s most illustrious actresses of all time.

47. Shirley MacLaine and Warren Beatty

You may know who Shirley MacLaine is if you’ve seen Downton Abbey. However, she had a little brother named Warren Beatty who was known to be the hottie of his day. He also directed Reds and is currently married to Annette Bening.

48. Joan Crawford

To be fair, Joan Crawford had a rough childhood and grew up in a broken home. Of course, she would go on to have to be a big movie star as well as be seen as an abusive mother, thanks to her adoptive daughter’s Mommie Dearest.

49. Leonard Nimoy

Contrary to popular belief, Nimoy was actually born to a Jewish family in Boston. Not on Vulcan to a Vulcan dad and human mom. Nevertheless, everyone will know him as Spock.

50. Vivien Leigh

Now this little girl will soon grow up to play Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind. Still, you have to love her little curls in this one. So cute.

51. Truman Capote

In the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee describes Dill looking a lot like this (which you wouldn’t pick up from the movie). Of course, there’s a reason why Truman Capote was the inspiration for Dill since he and Lee would be childhood friends. However, he’d later be known for Breakfast at Tiffany’s and In Cold Blood. Not to mention, he was also rather light in the loafers so to speak.

52. Adrien Brody

Awwww, little Adrien is so adorable with his little button nose and his somewhat immobilizing winter clothes. Of course, his nose will actually be more aquiline and prominent when he’s older. But unlike Bogie and Walken, his cuteness won’t really fade. Just change form so to speak. Also, will win an Oscar for Best Actor at 29 and a French Cesar before Kristen Stewart.

53. Madonna

Who knew that this little doe eyed girl would become so identified with skimpy outfits in music videos? Of course, we should also remember that Madonna is her given birth name as well.

54. Sir Laurence Olivier

Little Larry is so adorable in his sailor outfit in 1915. Of course, he’ll be one of the great British legends of stage and screen as well as known for his film performances of Shakespeare.

55. Elizabeth Taylor

Now we all know this little girl will gain fame as one of Hollywood’s most beautiful actresses of all time. She’d also become a alcoholic and marry 8 times, including twice to Richard Burton. But she’s so adorable standing herself with the boat.

56. Frida Kahlo

Here’s the future painter holding a doll with a book in its hand. Of course, because of health problems and an accident in her teenage years, Frida will be unable to have children. So she kept a bunch of monkeys instead. Not to mention, she was married to Diego Rivera.

57. Queen Elizabeth II

Here is the future queen on her grandmother Queen Mary's lap. Of course, she wasn't known to be a warm and fuzzy sort. More like a kleptomaniac and a jewel collector.

Here is the future queen on her grandmother Queen Mary’s lap. Of course, she wasn’t known to be a warm and fuzzy sort. More like a kleptomaniac and a fanatic jewel collector.

58. Neil Armstrong

Seems like this little boy had a lot of great dreams ahead of him. However, I’m sure being the first man on the moon wasn’t one of them. It’s possible nobody expected him to achieve that during his childhood.

59. Lyndon Baines Johnson

Yes, he may be a little cowboy in coveralls. But even then he seems to develop his distinctive features. Of course, the future president would also be known to be a colorful figure who conducted meetings in his bathroom, pulled his dick at the White House Press Corps, and holding a dog by the ears. Still, despite the political price he paid in popularity, he’s remembered as a very successful US presidents in history.

60. Pharrell Williams

Now he just looks so adorable and happy in that fro. Of course, he’d soon shave his head and start wearing an ugly looking hat.

61. Ozzy Osbourne

Somehow I’m not used to seeing him in a sweater, necktie, or with short hair. Of course, his speech was probably much more comprehensible back in the day. Still, doesn’t seem likely to hop on the crazy train.

62. Hugh Hefner

Who knew that this little squirt with blocks would soon become founder of Playboy and have a mansion full of gorgeous young women. Of course, he’s one of the guys who angers die hard Christians and feminists alike.

64. Sir Anthony Hopkins

Sure he may have looked like an innocent schoolboy then. But let’s just say, he’ll be famous for playing one of the most brutal fictional serial killers of all time. You know the criminal psychologist who prefers to eat human flesh as gourmet meals.

64. Brad Pitt

Such a little guy and he’s already sporting one of his iconic hairstyles. Still, he’s just so adorable in this picture.

65. Jacqueline “Jackie” Kennedy Onassis

When this little girl grows up, she’s going marry John F. Kennedy and become one of the most iconic First Ladies in history. She’ll also marry a Greek shipping tycoon later on as well. But now, she’d rather sit with her cute dog.

66. Hillary Clinton

Sure she’s just learned to walk but already little Hillary Rodham is hitting the campaign trail for president of her local playground. While the local toddlers may not like her, they think her opponents are either worse or stand no chance of winning.

67. Alice Cooper

Seems more clean cut than I usually see him as an adult. Of course, he’s probably looking forward to school being out, at least for the summer.

68. Walt Disney

Yes, that baby in a dress is the guy who will found what’s now a multi-billion dollar empire of wholesomeness and whimsy. Of course, he’s not much fond of Communism, Jews, or moms.

69. Albert Einstein

Of course, like most young boys at the time, the future Nobel Prize winning physicist would be stuck wearing a dress in the first few years of his life. Still, he kind of looks spiffy and doesn’t seem to mind.

70. Gregory Peck

Sure he may be toddling around, but this little boy will soon become one of the hottest men in the Golden Age of Hollywood. He’d also play Atticus Finch, by the way, just so you know.

71. Gary Cooper

You can guess that this little tyke loved playing cowboys in his early life. Of course, it’s prevalent that he also got frequently cast in westerns in his movie career.

72. Bruno Mars

Seems like he looks no different than as an adult. I mean the guy basically has the same hairstyle and everything. Just a little more pint-sized than he was as an adult.

73. Sean Connery

Seems like this sweet boy is destined to become a little heartbreaker as 007. But now he just wants to hug his puppy.

Seems like this sweet boy is destined to become a little heartbreaker as 007. But now he just wants to hug his little puppy.

74. Kevin Spacey

Seems like someone just can’t wait to unwrap their Christmas presents. Of course, this cuteness wouldn’t last so he can work its magic on House of Cards.

75. Orson Welles

Such a cute kid in his little winter outfit. Of course, he won’t be so adorable once he gets older and fatter. In fact, he’ll get quite grotesque. Still, his movie Citizen Kane will be a masterpiece in cinema.

76. James Dean

Sure he may be tiny, but this little boy will soon appear in movies like East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, and Giant. After that, he’d die in a car crash at 24.

77. Martin Luther King Jr.

I’m sure this little boy has a dream, but you won’t hear of it until 1963 during the March on Washington. Still, the future civil rights leader is quite adorable in this photo.

78. Jimmy Stewart

Now isn’t this little guy handsome? Of course, he’s adorable in his little outfit. Nevertheless, this boy from Indiana, Pennsylvania will grow up to play George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life as well as obtain the rank of Major General in the Air Force Reserve.

79. Katharine Hepburn

Now she’s just so adorable with her cute haircut and freckles. Of course, she’ll go on to win 4 Oscars and have an affair with Spencer Tracy.

80. Bill Clinton

Yes, little Bill looks so handsome in his suit and coat. And I’m sure he loves the ladies and the ladies love him. Of course, that would soon come back to bite him when he’s an adult.

81. Antonio Banderas

Now this baby seems so cute in his little cap. Of course, he doesn’t seem to be a happy in this photo. Then again, he’ll go on to do the voice of Puss in Boots.

82. James Earl Jones

Somehow it’s hard to believe that this kid will later become famous for his deep and sonorous voice. For many he’d be best known for voicing Darth Vader and Mufasa.

83. Lauren Bacall

Seems like baby Betty Joan Perske just wants to lounge around in her stroller. She also seems so snug and warm in her little woolen cap. Meanwhile her future husband is probably on his stage career at this point, given it was the 1920s.

84. Pope Francis

You don’t think of your future pontiff from Argentina as a schoolboy don’t you? Of course, he also seems to sport elf or goblin ears, too.

85. Carl Sagan

Of course, we all know that the stars and the universe are in his future. Well, as far as the PBS documentary Cosmos is concerned for the 1980s. Still, he’s pretty adorable so to speak.

86. Peter Cushing

Hard to believe that this curly haired toddler would grow up to play Van Helsing, Dr. Whoi as well as bitch slap Darth Vader. Of course, you have to wonder whether his mother wanted him to be a girl in that get up.

Hard to believe that this curly haired toddler in a dress would grow up to play Van Helsing, Dr. Who as well as bitch slap Darth Vader and blow up Alderaan. Of course, you have to wonder whether his mother wanted him to be a girl in that get up.

87. Theodore Roosevelt

Yes, this is Teddy Roosevelt. I’m sure he’s toilet trained by this point since he’s wearing pants. But as soon as he overcame childhood health problems, he’d soon be open to writing books, going on adventures, and running for office. Not to mention, being a badass president and having a badass family.

88. Beatrix Potter

Best known for writing The Tale of Peter Rabbit and other stories you’ve probably heard during your childhood. Still, I’m sure she’s not a wizard or related to Harry Potter for that matter.

89. Michael Douglas

Seems like someone wants to shave like his daddy, Kirk Douglas (who’d later play Spartacus). Still, I’m sure little Michael is bound up to grow up looking just like him (sans the distinctive voice and dimple chin).

90. Katie Perry

Yes, she’s simply adorable in her little sailor dress and cute haircut. However, you wouldn’t say the same if she was wearing a similar outfit when she got older. You know how the press talks about the way she dresses in her music videos.

91. Eminem

Never expected Eminem to be a ginger. Of course, I never thought I’d see a picture of him wearing plaid either. Still, he had a pretty crappy childhood though.

92. Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

Here we see the future princess climbing a rock in her pigtails. Of course, when her prince comes, little would she know that he'd be an actual prince. Prince William, anyway.

Here we see the future princess Kate Middleton climbing a rock in her pigtails. Of course, when her prince comes, little would she know that he’d be an actual prince. Prince William, anyway.

93. Robert Downey Jr.

At this point, he’s at the age when he’s probably learning how to read from Iron Man. However, after cleaning up his drug habit which almost wrecked his career, he would soon play him.

94. Beyonce Knowles

For some reason, she reminds me of a little Cabbage Patch kid in this picture. Must be the hair. Then again, she’s much cuter than a Cabbage Patch kid anyway.

95. Buster Keaton

Before his movie career, little Buster would begin his time in show business with his vaudevillian parents which usually consisted of comedy sketches. He’d often wear a deadpan expression on his face during the acts. As a young man, he’d achieve fame as one of the great comedians of the silent era.

96. Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Of course, seeing the kid in dress and long hair, some of you might think this would be Eleanor. But you’d be wrong. This is FDR as a baby with his father James. He was doted and loved on by both his parents, but especially his mom (to Eleanor’s distress, no doubt). And yes, babies were dressed like that back then. Besides, Eleanor’s dad Elliot was a much younger man as well as a womanizing drunk.

97. Henri Toulouse-Lautrec

Of course, since his aristocratic parents were first cousins with a family history of inbreeding, he would be suspect with cogenital health problems throughout his life. Of course, these stunted his growth as well during adolescence and he’d also be known for his short stature. But at least he liked to draw and became a painter, anyway.

98. Eleanor Roosevelt

Now this is Eleanor Roosevelt. Of course, unlike her husband, she had a wretched childhood with losing her parents at a young age and living in her grandma’s house starved for affection. Still, at least she was able to assert her self-confidence during finishing school (or high school).

99. Alfred Hitchcock

“Good evening. I’m afraid I have some terrible news tonight because I just soiled my pants. Now I have to cry it all out before my mother could secure me a new diaper.” Still, even as a baby, you can still tell that it’s the master of suspense.

100. Winston Churchill

This is the future British prime minister when he was about 6 or 7 years old. But even then he seems to strike the pose of a British gentlemen. But since his dad wasn’t the oldest son in a noble family, he had to strike it on his own. His parents were also kind of neglectful with his American mother being quite a slut.

Stupid Baby Stuff

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 23, 2015

I may be a non-pregnant single woman who doesn’t have kids, but even I know that like pets, babies need certain things that the rest of us don’t. Yes, we know they’re a lot of work and hassle since they can’t do anything for themselves save maybe the standard bodily functions and crying for someone to meet their every whim. However, despite what the media may seem, babies don’t stay babies for long so there are plenty of ways for new or expectant parents to get all their baby needs without breaking the bank as much. Seriously, I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen baby stuff at yard sales. Nevertheless, as the oldest of 24 grandchildren, I’ve probably been around babies longer than a lot of people that I’ve lost count to how many baptisms I’ve been to growing up. Still, this doesn’t stop some enterprising person from inventing some baby stuff these little tykes really don’t need or want in that matter. Some baby things out there will not see much use like certain clothes whether by designers or not. Some baby things are just downright inappropriate or ridiculous. And other products just may traumatize the wee things. Then there are the baby products that would make some people wonder whether they should call Child Services on their parents. Of course, as long as the human race keeps reproducing, there will always be someone trying to cash in on it. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of products for babies that parents should probably stay away from.

1. Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case

I know future generations will need to learn to live with technology. But c’mon, do babies really need iPhones this badly? In fact, I’m sure nobody wants their babies learn cognitive skills by organizing their contacts folder.

2. The WhyCry Mini Cry Analyzer

Yes, I know babies cry a lot. But I’m sure it doesn’t take much for parents to know what their babies want without one, especially when it comes to diaper changes. Nevertheless, I suspect this is a scam or an annoying game of Simon for infants.

3. Gotta Go Mitts

Now I know this is for little kids. But still, wouldn’t it be better to teach them to clean their messes. Also, there are already products that keep kiddie hands clean. It’s called soap. You may have heard of it.

4. Heelarious Baby Heels

Oh, hell no! Seriously, now’s not the time to give baby Maddie a lifetime of foot problems or see a podiatrist before her time, especially when she’s barely learned to walk. Seriously, why does this product even exist?

5. The Baby Lasso

Yes, it may be hard to keep babies still for a diaper change. But still, what the hell is this thing even used for? Is the baby a piece of cattle?

6. Pee Pee Teepee

Now these are supposed to cover a baby boy’s junk during a diaper change in order to avoid any accidents. Of course, some baby boys might think it takes all the fun out of it. May only be useful about once or twice.

7. Poop Alarm

Now this device is designed to alert parents when the baby needs changing. However, there is a cheaper and more reliable device that already does this which doesn’t attach to a baby’s butt. It’s called the nose.

8. The Baby Flower Shower Visor

It’s said to help protect babies from getting soap and shampoo in their eyes. However, my question is how do you wash and rinse what’s under the cap? Also, the baby doesn’t seem happy in it.

9. Snail Vacuum Cleaner

The toy that combines the independence of riding free with the wind with the joys of housecleaning. I’m sure my mom would’ve wanted me to have one of these while I was a baby. Of course, I probably wouldn’t use it since I hate the noise of vacuum cleaners.

10. Baby Toupee

As to why anyone would want their babies to look like Donald Trump, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, I’m sure the hair is as fake as the ugly mop Donald Trump has on his own head. And let’s just say, your baby is much less whiny and self-centered than he is.

11. The Tummy Tub

It’s basically a bucket that costs $45 that’s supposed to replicate the feeling of being in the womb. Nevertheless, if that does the trick, you should just hold on to your $45 and use a regular bucket, which comes with a handle.

12. The Grillz Pacifier

I’m sure Kanye West probably bought one of these for his daughter North. Nevertheless, I see a a lot of bad rap songs and crime in this child’s future, not to be stereotypical.

13. Baby Bangs

Just wait and their hair will come soon enough. That’s how it works. In the meantime, you don’t need me to tell you that these Baby Bangs look so ridiculous. Seriously, why does this even exist?

14. Baby Knee Pads

Because crawling babies have a chance to bust their knees while they’re on the mood and must need protection. This doesn’t account for the fact that ever since the dawn of time, most babies had to crawl without them and did just fine.

15. Baby Onesie Dust/Mop

Because if your baby can crawl, it can clean. Yeah, I’m sure your baby will be thrilled about that. Just wait until it needs a diaper change or slips on a hardwood floor and loses a tooth.

16. The Peekaru

For the Alien lover inside you. Sorry, but this seems like a choking hazard and a waste of money. Also, pretty creepy if you think about it.

17. J&D’s Bacon Flavored Baby Formula

Because it’s never too early to hop aboard the obesity train where all the stops consist of fat camp, body shaming, Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and early death.

18. Crumb Cap

For those worried about a messy baby, then you shouldn’t even have a baby. Also, doubles as a scuba suit.

19. The Windi

This is a baby but plug supposed to help its gastrointestinal problems. However, I just see it as a big waste of money.

20. The Kickbee

This is a motion sensing belt that sends a tweet every time a kick is detected. Basically sets up your kid into being an annoying douche from inside the womb. Seriously, what does a fetus have to tweet about?

21. The Thudguard

Sure babies have softer heads than the rest of us. But still, I’m sure most of us have transitioned from infancy and toddlerhood just fine without the need for a stupid helmet like this. Seriously, kids get bumps and bruises all the time. The best we can do is make sure they’re more careful.

22. The Zaky Hand Pillow

Because nothing comforts your child more than a disembodied arm. Or in that case, gives parent’s nightmares. Luckily, the baby below just sees it as a toy.

23. NoseFrida the Snotsucker

Now I know a lot of people have snot coming out of their noses which is gross enough. However, sucking your baby’s snot with this thing is perhaps the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, there’s a better way to clean your baby’s snot ridden face. It’s called a tissue or Kleenex.

24. The Bottle Holder

Is it so much effort just to hold a bottle to your child? Or do you have to get a contraption inspired by those beer holders we see at an NFL game? Also doubles as a baby paraglider.

25. The Crib Dribbler

Okay, this is just wrong. Seriously, cribs aren’t cages and babies aren’t pets. Also, while you’re at it, why don’t you just get a baby crib exercise wheel for your baby to run on? Fortunately, this isn’t a real product, just a prank box for a baby shower. Well, as far as we know.

26. The iPotty

With all the crap on Twitter and Facebook these days, it’s never too early to start trolling with this costing $499. Nevertheless, an iPad is probably not necessary for a potty training toddler. Still, does it come in adult size?

27. Baby Butt Fan

This is a fan that dries your baby’s butt. However, there’s a much cheaper alternative to this that only takes 10 seconds.

28. Baby Keeper

Because when mommy and daddy have their hands full, baby needs to be strung up and put against the wall. Guaranteed to traumatize the little tykes that they’ll need a diaper change every time they’re out of it.

29. Swimming Neck Ring

Otherwise known as, “My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer.” Supposed to keep babies afloat. Seriously, this looks like it could suffocate them. I’m sure they have other baby floatation devices.

30. My Carry Potty

I hate to say this, but wouldn’t just be easier for your potty trained kid to just use a public toilet? Would make much better sense than having them carry their crap around with them. Disgusting.

31. Baby Bomb Shelter

For the crazy survivalist parent who believes that the apocalypse will soon be upon us. I’m sure this baby will totally use this thing. Not.

32. The Po-Knee

This device brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millennium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated. Parents, make sure the individual giving out pony rides is always wearing pants.

33. The Baby Bubadoo

Basically this is a baby straitjacket for the changing table.Seriously, why don’t you put on a baby Hannibal Lecter mask while you’re at it?

34. Baby Perfume

Sure babies tend to stink a lot since they pee and poo in their diapers. But this doesn’t mean you should buy perfume for them. Seriously, they’re too young for that.

35. Baby Bikini

Because it’s never too early to sexualize your little girl with swimwear. Seriously, why does this thing even exist?

36. Toe Blooms

Now these would be perfect for my cousin Ava’s very first trip to Las Vegas. Of course, this is assuming her parents are incredibly irresponsible people (which they’re not). Seriously, Vegas is a terrible place for babies. You’re better off taking them to Disney World.

37. Ashton Martin Stroller

For God’s sake, $3,000 is way too much for a baby stroller. Seriously, what kind of parent in their right mind would buy this thing?

38. Baby Flip Flops

Sorry, but if your baby can’t walk into a shower unsupervised, then it’s probably not the time to buy baby flip flops. Seriously, how do these things exist?

39. Clip-On Stroller Fan

Obviously designed by someone who’s never been around babies or small children. I mean that just looks like an accident waiting to happen.

40. Baby Cleats

Listen, if your baby isn’t walking, then it’s too early to get them to play soccer. Seriously, who the hell thinks babies can play soccer for God’s sake?

41. iPhone Teether

For one, it’s made from wood. Second, if you give your baby this, try telling your kid later that “phones are not toys.” Yeah, they’ll listen (sarcasm).

42. My Pee Pee Bottle

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there's no bathroom in sight, like everyone else.

If your toddler has grown out of diapers then they should be potty trained to use a toilet. He or she should only pee in a bottle if there’s no place to pee in sight, like everyone else. Also, if it’s a girl, I especially recommend the toilet, for obvious reasons.

43. Toddler Urinal

I’m sure there’s a better way to teach your son how to pee standing up than buying his own training urinal. It’s called the toilet and he could even use it to pee sitting down, too. Also, what’s wrong with teaching him how to pee sitting down first?

44. Juppy Baby Walking Aid

Sure babies must learn to walk sometime. But putting them in a harness 57 times a day just seems too much trouble than just having them hold your freaking hand.

45. Paper High Chair

I’m sure this is supposed to be “sustainable” but I’m just not buying it, especially since it seems disposable. Of course, there’s a better way to be sustainable with high chairs. Just buy one at a yard sale for God’s sake.

46. Walk Up Toddler Changing Table

If your toddler is old enough for this, then they’re probably old enough to use a toilet. Seriously, why does this even exist? Better stick with a potty seat.

47. Riding Potty Chair

I don’t think mixing bathroom time with playground time is a good idea. Seriously, I just hope this girl knows that you don’t take a dump on the playground equipment nor do you ride on the toilet.

48. Penguin Urinal

Now if you thought the toddler urinal was crazy enough, this one tells little boys to pee into their, “penguin friend.” Also, it’s said you can place this thing anywhere, even the living room. Which begs the question, why?

49. Potty Mitts

Public bathrooms may be gross but still, I’m not sure you want your kids growing up to be the next Howard Hughes. Seriously, nobody wears mitts going to the bathroom, save maybe Alaska.

50. Poop Scoop Bag

Now as someone who lives in the country, I think a poop scoop bag is ridiculous enough in its original use. But using one for babies? Seriously, we have diapers for a reason. Still, if you’re going to clean up from your kid like that, why don’t you just line the floor with newspapers or buy a pooper scooper?

51. Baby Dumbbell

Sure babies need their exercise. But some workout routines should be started later than others. Weightlifting probably falls among the later.

52. Woombie

This is supposed to be a cocoon like sack to get a baby to sleep and it’s stretchy enough for comfort and movement. However, it resembles something you’d see at the Ye Olde Insane Asylum.

53. Hula-Bye

Now this straps your baby onto a changing table so you won’t have a hard time cleaning up. Of course, my grandfather used to strap me onto a changing table in my infancy and it didn’t cost him $42. Still, this isn’t a medieval torture device.

54. Baby Stimulation Shirt for Adults

Yes, now parents can wear this shirt to stimulate their baby’s senses at the cost of the retail price and their dignity. Seriously, I’m sure plenty of parents just bought educational toys instead.

55. The Ritmo Advanced Pregnancy Sound System

I’m sure fetuses need a lot of things, but I’m not sure blasting music through the womb is one of them. Seriously, singing is cheaper and won’t cost $150.

56. Baby Tattoos

Of course, these aren’t real. But still, I’m sure grandma won’t be pleased assuming she’s not in a biker gang. Seriously, babies are too young for tattoos.

57. Beeni Baby Hat

Combine this with the Baby Bubadoo, and you’ve gotten a little Hannibal Lecter on your hands. Seriously, this is disturbing, not cute.

58. Thongies

Thong diapers? Why in the hell do these exist? Seriously, these aren’t just inappropriate but they probably aren’t as effective as regular diapers.

59. The Bite Counter

Basically this is designed to count bites. But I think it’s maximum embarrassment with minimum effort. From Japan, no less.

60. Baby Hjolster

Because in Texas, carrying a baby has to be like carrying a gun: from the hip. Seriously, why? It’s stupid.

61. The Boob Hat

Inspired by the mother’s breasts and the father’s NFL beer hat, this is supposed to feed an active baby or toddler without disrupting their lifestyles. However, has the unfortunate side effect of making your little one look like a complete idiot.

62. Colemom 1.5 Person Wearable Breastfeeding Tent

Good News: Will keep moms away from cops asking them to cover up while breastfeeding in public.
Bad News: Force moms to sacrifice their dignity upon feeding baby.

63. Mr. Milker Breastfeeding Vest for Men

Now I may be for gender equality and gay marriage as much as anyone, but I believe God created men and women as anatomically different for a reason. Seriously, the concept behind this is just very wrong. Besides, the idea that breastfeeding is the only way you can bond with your baby is just plain sexist.

64. The Baby Cage

Hey, stupid baby products aren’t just limited to the 21st century. When your grandparents were young, many of them were suspended over their family’s apartment windows with these. It’s a wonder how many of them managed to survive childhood without needing therapy.

65. Ice Skating Baby Holder

Another vintage baby product that makes the baby cage seem reasonable. Still, if mommy and daddy want to go ice skating, why can’t they just leave baby with a sitter or grandparents? Seriously, think about the baby’s safety here!

66. Bottle Sling

I don’t know about you, but this seems like an all around formula disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, why does this even exist?

67. Bathtub Divider

I’m sure plenty of parents bathed their babies just fine without one. Seriously, they have baby bathtubs available. Why can’t parents just use that?

68. Sun Smarties Swimwear

These suits are meant to protect babies and toddlers from sunburn. Still, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so parents don’t have to dress their little ones at the beach with “My Very First Haz Mat Suit.” Yes, nothing says “fun in the sun” like a uranium leak that’s going to give your future grandchildren 3 heads.

69. Safety Trampoline

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

A kind of trampoline for your child minus the terrible injuries or fun. Seriously, if you kid thinks holding a bar while jumping repeatedly in place is fun, you might need to reconsider their sugar intake.

70. Time Out Pad

Now this is supposed to turn a common parental punishment into a fun game with sound effects and lights. Seriously, small children have no concept of time and time out isn’t supposed to be fun.

71. Lil’ Chompers

Just because babies are born without teeth, doesn’t mean you should buy dentures for them. The teeth will come before you know it, like in seven months. These just make your baby look freaky.

72. Nurse Me Tender

Just because you can’t breastfeed, doesn’t mean you should use this to feed your baby. Why else do we have baby formula or bottles? Seriously, why does this exist?

73. Toddler Tracker

Because toddlers tend to wander off, here’s a surveillance device in order to know where they are. Let’s hope it can’t be detached by kidnappers. Still, if you feel that your kid needs a tracker, what does it say about your parenting skills?

74. Wipe Warmer

I know these are supposed to keep wipes warm. However, a non-warm wipe will do just fine. So why waste your hard earned cash on this stupid thing?

75. Bling Binky

A diamond studded pacifier? For the love of God! Seriously, you can get a pacifier cheap at any store. So there’s no reason why parents should spend hundreds of dollars on a stupid binky.

76. Baby-Q Ribs

Just because your baby is teething doesn’t mean it’s time to teach them how to eat some baby back ribs. Seriously, BBQ ribs are for grown-ups.

77. The Nuroo Pocket Babywearing Shirt

This is supposed to make mothers look good as they have a baby down her shirt. However, to me, this just looks freaky.

78. Pacifier Wipes

You can easily wash pacifiers in the dishwasher or with soap and water. Like my parents did. So why to these even exist I’ll never know.

79. Baby Whirpool Spa

I’m sure this is as expensive as hell and totally unnecessary. Seriously, your baby can go without jetted water or a spa tub for that matter.

80. Formula Mixer

I’m sure there’s a cheaper gizmo that will mix baby formula just as well. You may have heard of it. It’s called a spoon.

The Wonderful World of Playgrounds

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 14, 2014

In our day in age, playgrounds are seen as places for children to experience the great outdoors, exercise, and frolic in a set of equipment in an urbanized environment. Of course, what kid doesn’t like to go on a slide, monkey bars, seesaws, swings, or the merry go round. Sometimes there may be a carousel where kids can ride on the horses as carnival music plays in the background. Now I can go on and on how so many of these playgrounds have cutesy and kid friendly imagery that makes such an outdoor wonderland all kid friendly and fun for the whole family. But of course, you wouldn’t want to see that. Instead, I’ll show you pictures of playgrounds that might traumatize your kids in years to come or may be just plain inappropriate. And I’m not going to show pictures of abandoned playgrounds which may be unsafe and unsanitary either. They’re either playground pieces designed by people on drugs, wanting to show artistic expression, or have no artistic skills to pull off any child friendly imagery. So without further adieu, here are some playground pieces that might scare off the kiddies. Also, most of these are in Russia by the way and some of these images may not be safe for work.

1. Jump over the low hanging bars with the white rhino and pig.

I’m sure if these were real, they wouldn’t be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

2. Oh, look, a peasant family seems to be trying to uproot a new turnip.

I’m not sure what’s going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don’t want to know. Still, I don’t know whether that’s really a plant or not.

3. Go ahead, climb up that friendly snake or dinosaur.

No, I don’t think I’d want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

4. Hey, kids, here is the Mirror People.

Of course, I’m sure they’re not dangerous. Yet, I can’t really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they’d be very great for a horror movie and could be aliens with ambitions for world domination for all I care.

5. You can always have great fun while playing in somebody’s chest cavity.

Now I wonder where those yellow legs came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

Now I wonder where those yellow feet came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

6. Oh, look, here’s Poseidon just arrived out of the ocean.

Now I think I’ve just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he’s just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

7. Of course, he’s just an old harmless elf from the Keebler Tree.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he’s the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don’t want to go near him.

8. Climb up and slide down this giant man’s legs.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn’t seem to be just two. Also, he doesn’t have a nice expression on his face.

9. Just a pig minding his own business.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he’d been holding it in all day. He didn’t expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

10. C’mon, kids, why don’t you just roll this beam with Bearikins and his pal Satan.

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer’s judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously? He’s the Devil.

11. Hey, there’s Harry the Hedgehog with an apple.

Don’t look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn’t seem like he’s up to any good. Also wants your soul.

12. Now isn’t that nice? Here’s the Big Bad Wolf and Peter Cottontail playing Twister.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn’t want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain’t good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

13. “Greetings, earthlings, we come in peace.”

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I’m not sure they’re harmless.

14. Oh, dear, the poor dog hurt his leg.

I’m sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn’t have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

15. It’s fun to play on top of these, uh whatever they are.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-acpocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-apocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

16. Now this creature seems like he’s really enjoying himself.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster’s mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea of what lay before them.

17. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Joker.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

18. C’mon kiddies, we want to play with you. Don’t be scared.

I’m an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I’m sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don’t come out to play.

19. Come and enjoy accordion music with Crocky and his friends.

I’m sure Crocky won’t harm anybody but I’m not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it. Now I’m not sure if I want to hear, “Crocodile Polka.”

20. Take a trip on this lovely amusement park ride with Cthulhu.

I’m sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won’t do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

21. Come up and play with the house monsters and have a great time.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

22. Nurse wants you to take your medicine.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor’s office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

23. The doctor will now administer your shot please.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

24. C’mon, play under the giant green octopus.

Let’s hope this giant green octopus doesn’t come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there’s suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

25. Climb up and slide down this giant fly.

Now take it from someone who knows. It’s a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

26. Come up and slide on the giant lizard.

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why do this if it’s not a playground associated with reptiles?

27. Have some fun playing in a giant spider web.

Now I don’t care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

28. Come and play at the playground with the giant bugs.

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what’s with the giant bugs?

29. Now have your kids relive the Lilliputian experience with the Gulliver’s Travels playground set.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver’s Travels isn’t for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults and yet Gulliver’s travels on Lilliput seem to be continuously adapted in children’s media.

30. Aw, look at the cute little playground animals.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a “Carnival of Nightmares,” especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue. Just because it’s in bright colors doesn’t mean it’s not scary.

31. These little black monsters just want to play with you.

Seriously, these aren’t cute. They’re creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

32. Now every playground has to have a nice dog since everyone loves them.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn’t want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you’d see from the Muppets.

33. Oh, look here’s a centaur.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don’t want to know which end is used for what. Just don’t ask me.

34. Look, kiddies, see the bird now go play on it.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I’m not sure if I’d call it a bird or not.

35. Now let’s just frolic with this serpent thing near a manhole.

Let’s just say whoever’s fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

36. Playing on a mouse trap is so fun.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I’ve ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids’ playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that’s sick.

37. Climb atop on the dragon with the three colored bottles attached to him.

Sure it’s a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don’t know what they symbolize.

38. Now come inside a giant guy’s head to keep yourselves warm.

Now this is just messed up. I really don’t understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

39. This little boy seems to enjoy riding the shroom monster.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

40. Now here’s a nice lovely little fountain for a great aesthetic playground look.

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren’t playgrounds supposed to be for children for God’s sake?

41. The 3 headed green dragon really just wants to play.

Of course, I’ve never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

42. Of course, what’s a playground without climbing rope?

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn’t in Russia and that kid doesn’t seem to want to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

43. Have a ball on the cow tongue slide.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

44. Welcome to Satan’s fun house.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner. My mistake. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

45. Oh, look at that cute little bear cub.

Okay, now real bear cubs don’t look like they’re something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

46. Hey, at least this elephant sculpture in Russia isn’t so scary.

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that’s just gross. Seriously, why?

47. Now this is nice. A bunch of rainbow colored kids with hoops. Wonder what can go wrong there.

Is it just me or do these kids look like they’re peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

48. Now here’s one with some girl about to get devoured by a giant wicked witch.

I know King Kong isn’t exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.’

49. Oh, cute, a veterinarian trying to see if the wild animals are healthy. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there’s always a way to expand his drug operation isn’t there?

50. Now look at this nice little equipment piece.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn’t walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

51. Now finally, a playground piece on “Little Red Riding Hood.”

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he’s not even in Grandma’s nightie yet. Now that’s doomed to traumatized kids for years.

52. Okay, so there’s a statue of a bunch of kids playing. Now what can possibly go wrong with that?

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what’s that in the back kid’s butt? Okay, I don’t want to know.

53. You don’t want to cross this 3 headed dragon.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

54. Now join Hammy the pig and ride this magical carousel.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That’s just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

55. So while you’re at the park, kiddos, don’t forget to slide down the cheese grater.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn’t see where he’d land before going down the slide.

56. Climb up and go down the slide through somebody’s giant disembodied head.

Now this is messed up. Let’s just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don’t mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody’s ear to their neck.

57. Come up and play on this giant robot.

Of course, it’s very angry and keeps telling itself to, “Kill the humans!” but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

58. Now let’s sit beside this nice old lady.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

59. Now, kids, you can slide down a ferocious gorilla.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong’s right boob for God’s sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would’ve been worse.

60. Now here’s a statue of a nice little creature we may not know about.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn’t seem to be quite happy as well as has a certain blood lust for vengeance.

61. Now that’s nice a cute little sheep playground piece. What can go wrong with that?

Wait a minute, that’s not a sheep. It’s a mutant creature with a sheep’s head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

62. Now these two seem to have a very good time.

Oh, God, please don’t tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can’t post on this blog.

63. Come to the pool to swim with the wolf and the rabbit.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

64. Now climb aboard this funky bird or psychedelic cuckoo.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it’s a bird that’s simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

65. Hey, kids, climb upon the giant crocodile.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don’t think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

66. Now here is a nice girl statue in the park.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

67. Aw, look at that little girl sitting with Cthulhu?

I’m sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus’ lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

68. Let’s play on this large yellow, whatever it is?

The fact this creature is eyeless with a toothy smile makes me not want to go near it. I mean, it’s the stuff of nightmares.

69. Aw, look at that cute little sheep.

This piece of mutton may look harmless. Yet, look into its eyes and it seems to have a sinister disposition. I would worry about that coming to life.

70. Climb aboard and play on this large, block monster.

Now this guy reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Well, the Tin Man if he didn’t have a heart and didn’t want one.

71. Now let’s run through the tall guy in green’s legs.

I’m sure the tall guy reminds me of the giant from “Jack in the Beanstalk” if he was a really natty dresser. Still, he may lust for the blood of an Englishman, or a Russian in that matter. Of course, he’ll take what he can get.

72. Hey, look at that nice friendly robot.

This is actually one of the few American playground pieces on this list. Still, it doesn’t seem to look very friendly or has some sneaky side. Also, its walls remind me of a prison.

73. Now let’s play on this old Soviet tank. It’s fun.

Now there are some pieces that should never be recycled into playground equipment. Tanks are one of these. Still, why Russia, why?

74. Now there’s Count Orlok sucking his fingers.

Yes, that certainly reminds me of the vampire I’ve seen from the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu. At least he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight unlike another vampire we’re familiar with.

75. Oh, look it’s the 3 little pigs.

Or at least the soulless recreations of them. Still, I don’t mind if the Big Bad Wolf eats them for I’d fear they’d eat me.

Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 10, 2014

Trick or treating has always been a Halloween tradition in which children would change in their costumes as well as carry their buckets to say, “Trick or Treat” to people all over the neighborhood. Of course, with me you had to get the aid of a car and/or word of some nearby town was doing it since I lived in the country. I’ve trick or treated in towns like Smithton, West Newton, and Rostraver. Yet, I also did a bit of trick or treating in college since it was the only place where I didn’t need to drive and didn’t have older people think there’s something wrong with. I mean I had to stop trick or treating after I turned 12 or 13 where I lived. Still, I enjoyed this tradition and perhaps someday I’ll take my kids trick or treating as well. Maybe I won’t dress up as a Hogwarts schoolgirl like I did in college but I definitely would take my kids out to get candy from strangers as well as make their costumes like my mom did back in the day. Of course, no matter how much I love dressing up in costumes for candy as well as candy in general (particularly chocolate), there were certain treats I didn’t really care for. Yet, I would find these every year in my bag whether I wanted to eat them or not. Nevertheless, if there’s a trick or treating event in your neighborhood this Halloween season, then perhaps I could cue you in on some of the candies the local kids won’t like. So without further adieu, here are some of the candy that will make children hate you this Halloween season. Warning: may not all necessarily be candies, just stuff people have received trick or treating.

1. Flavored Tootsie Rolls-regular Tootsie Rolls are kind of gross if you really think about it. I mean they kind of look like dog turds. Yet, to have one that’s vanilla or orange cream flavor, ugh.

2. Smarties-these are usually the last candies left in anyone’s Halloween haul. Basically all that’s in them is sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, food coloring, and possibly chalk dust. You’re better off eating a bowl full of sugar with a spoon. Basically, these are what people buy to give to kids if they don’t want to go over their minuscule candy budget. If Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by trick or treaters, he’d give them these.

3. Good & Plenty-even for those who like black licorice, these are never a welcome sign. Sure there are plenty of them in their 1960s era package design, but many say they are as bitter the pill medicine they’re shaped as.

4. Candy Corn-hey, I actually kind of like this candy and I kind of feel bad putting this imitation 1880s kernel on the list. However, many tend to say this Halloween icon tastes like the wax, corn syrup, and sugar it was made from. Isn’t called “the fruitcake of Halloween” for nothing.

5. Dots-they may look chewy but having them in your mouth will give you as much sensation as piece of sugar coated half-hardened cement.

6. Now and Later-well, I don’t really hate them but they do have a texture of stale taffy that you wonder was ever fresh to begin with. Not to mention, I’ve eaten a few and have been surprised that I didn’t break any of my teeth afterwards. Also, check if the person giving you them is a dentist because he or she may have a hidden agenda like spending Christmas vacation to the Bahamas.

7. Strawberry Hard Candy-these just look like easily rewrapped candy in strawberry styled plastic wrap. Yet, people like them though I didn’t. And according to Complex, “The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center.”

8. Bubblegum-if it’s Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, either it’s the remains of a surplus made 20 years ago or made from an instantly stale formula. May seem to have a flavor at first but after a few seconds, becomes a tasteless, rubbery, mass that may ruin your teeth.

9. Wax Bottles-if you were the kid who used to pick the wax droppings from the candles and ate them, then these candies are for you. Well, the wax bottle anyway. Still, I hear the stingingly sugary sweet processed juice in them is nasty.

10. Necco Wafers-one person from Thrillist writes, “If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.” Also, despite that they’re practically reviled as a candy for chalky texture and invariable staleness, they’re still being made and sold. It’s a great mystery to us all. And form TopTenz, “They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.”

11. Mary Janes- this may seem like a good idea for a kid’s candy since it’s a molasses and peanut butter flavored taffy. No one will ever eat them. Of course, there are the other kind of Mary Jane candies but they’re not for kids and only legal in the state of Washington and Colorado where, “sitting around the campfire, everybody’s high,” in the words of John Denver.

12. Fireballs-yes, they are a strong timeless candy yet, you have to suck on these for about 15 minutes or more. You can devour more candy in that time frame. Yet, as for me, I try to save it as long as possible.

13. Almond Joy/Mounds-if the cherry fondue is the last candy in a chocolate box to be eaten, then anything with coconut is a close second.

14. Fruit (save maybe candy apples)-basically, giving trick or treaters fruit says, “Hey, I’m a major health nut who cares more about not contributing to juvenile diabetes more than I care about Halloween tradition.” It’s even worse if they’re apples with razor blades. Hey, if you don’t want to contribute to juvenile diabetes during Halloween the least you can do is hand out pieces of paper with George Washington’s face. Even quarters are acceptable.

15. Bit-O-Honey-from Thrillist, “I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon — we’re an evolving people.” Said to always taste stale and takes very long to eat.

16. Fruit Snacks-may be appropriate for school lunches in elementary school but certainly not in candy bags during Halloween.

17. Gingerbread Cookies-now I love gingerbread cookies, but they’re Christmas so it’s too freaking early. Also, those cookies might just as well be leftovers from last Christmas or earlier. Gross.

18. Spare Change-look, I was totally cool with receiving money from adults during trick or treating and even would appreciate more so now since I’m an unemployed college graduate who lives with her parents. However, no child wants to receive chump change like nickels, dimes, and pennies. Now that’s just being cheap.

19. Dum Dums Lollipops-I hated these as a kid and still don’t care for them now. Just these small little lollipops with a cheap taste you see at a bank that aren’t worth my time.

20. Green Tea Kit Kats- now there are some who like green tea and Kit Kats, but not in the same candy. Of course, this is Japan, but even Japanese children wouldn’t stand for this shit. I mean who eats a green Kit Kat Bar is like saying who in their right mind would eat green eggs and ham? (No offense, Dr. Seuss.) Just don’t break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Sorry, Japan.

21. Runts-for me, these were better suited as fake fruit for my Barbie Dolls than anything edible. As a writer from the Houston Press said, “Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive.” At least they’re said to be disappearing, thanks to the decline of coin operated candy dispensers.

22. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups-as one writer of the Houston Press put it, “A perfect example of how the unnecessary introduction of white chocolate (which is not even chocolate, btw) ruins a perfectly respectable product.” Yeah, white chocolate and peanut butter, put it up there with the cherry fondue.

23. Hershey’s Creme Kisses-the cherry cordial is full of what is said to taste like cough syrup while the orange crème isn’t much better. It’s like the cherry fondue in a chocolate box which is extremely nasty that people usually eat it last.

24. Candy Buttons-these artificially colored sugar mounds on cheap paper are actually so tasteless one writer from the Houston Press noted but, “every time I eat them I feel like I’m overdosing on birth control pills.” The kiddies are better off with these containing LSD or some other kind of acid from Woodstock.

25. Jujubes-don’t taste like the real fruits they claim to represent. Also, tend to get stuck at your teeth and perhaps dislodge any dental work.

26. Circus Peanuts- these are said to be among the cheapest, nastiest, and old fashioned crap confections. According to someone from the Houston Press, they “taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.”

27. Candy Cigarettes-yes, we had a lot of fun with these as kids, yet they just don’t have a good taste. Probably better off using pretzels as cigarettes instead. Heard a nearby school district passed these out, which I think is hilarious. Still, the vintage ones look even more realistic with the packaging. You know those were out just to get the kiddies hooked.

28. Candy Necklaces- these taste like chalk and don’t go with anything you’d wear, especially if you’re a guy.

29. Sour Candies-I have no taste for these and I’ve heard they’re even worse for your teeth than regular candy. Also, they taste really, really bad.

30. Original Boston Baked Beans-as a writer from the Houston Press said, “Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.”

31. Butterscotch Candies-seem just the kind of hard caramel candies you’d find in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

32. Raisins-it’s basically dried fruit and what many people might give kids as a healthier substitute than candy. I always hate it when I bite in what I thought was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie only to discover it had raisins in it.

33. Toothbrushes-these should only be reserved as giveaways from dental appointments not for trick or treating.

34. Milk Duds-from E!, “’Dud’ is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.”

35. Raisinets- doesn’t matter how much chocolate it’s covered with, it’s still a raisin. Seriously, for those who give them out to kids in order to encourage good health, this is particularly cruel.

36. Black Licorice-gets a bad rap for a reason. Also, studies show that nobody under 80 likes these but that may have to do with the fact that they were children during the Great Depression who were just happy to get anything that’s candy. Heard it’s made out of the same material used to insulate electric cords.

37. Whoppers-possibly among the most divisive candies of all time. Also, that chocolate shell isn’t really chocolate. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those malted milk balls.

38. Root Beer Barrels-actually all pop flavored candy isn’t really that good, according to most people. Besides, we all know that people drink pop for the carbonation, not the fizz.

39. Peanut Chews- from Complex, “This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.”

40. Sixlets- basically these are M&Ms without the Ms or possibly a bootleg version. Will melt in your hand and packaging, not your mouth.

41. Peppermint Hard Candies-basically the kind you give to someone to let them know that they’re suffering from halitosis. Also, used in waiting rooms and hotels. On Halloween, these may have been in people’s households since Christmas.

42. Crows-basically if all the Dots gumdrops mated with the black licorice, it would result in these. Also, kind of look like small turds from a rabbit.

43. Orange Slices-sugar coated orange candies made to seem like orange slices. Most trick or treaters aren’t that desperate for candy to eat them.

44. Jawbreakers-basically take an hour to eat and may break your teeth. Also have a weak sugary flavor. Yet, kids will still eat them as Top Tenz says, “Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.” Not a good candy for Halloween.

45. Razor Blades-now these are just bad and possibly illegal to hand out to kids. What a cruel trick indeed.

46. Tootsie Rolls-according to TopTenz, “Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.” Said to taste a year old.

47. Chocolate Coins-having chocolate coin in foil may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s something about foil wrapping this delicious food that tends to turn into a major disappointment. Not only is foil wrapped chocolate disgusting but for no obvious reason why. As Top Tenz reports, “Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.”

48. Ring Pops-of course, they may belong in the category “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Yet, the second you start eating one, it turns into a sticky, disgusting mess. Anything you touch afterwards becomes gooey and gross and the cheap plastic scratches your fingers. Also, boys are mocked at school for wearing them perhaps as cross dressers, and it’s said that girls who really get into candy jewelry end up in the world’s oldest profession.

49. Aero Chocolate-high concept candy never works out for anyone, especially kids.

50. Strawberry Peanut Butter M&Ms-oh, please don’t mess with a classic, especially if it contains anything fruit flavored. Disgusting.

51. Peanut Butter Taffy-taste nothing like peanut butter and offer a terrible Halloween experience for kids. Someone at Nooga.com writes, “Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these, and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter.”

52. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms-let’s see, basically these are jammed pack with artificial ingredients and deprived of nutritious content. Also, these probably taste as bad as you would expect. Oh, why Mars Corporation? Regular M&Ms would do just fine.

53. Marshmallow Peeps-these are for Easter so either use them for your peep dioramas or don’t buy them at all for Halloween.

54. Jelly Beans-unless, they’re from Bertie Botts, these aren’t appropriate for the Halloween season. And even then, the kids may not want to eat them.

55. Horehound-basically it’s a medicinal herb disguised as candy and mostly reserved for senior citizens with diabetes. Kids are better off getting cough drops. Also, it has a name of what you’d call a female dog that was humped by all the male dogs in the neighborhood.

56. Carrots-they’re food you eat for meals like lunch and dinner as well as an occasional healthy snack or at a party. Halloween isn’t the time for healthy alternatives.

57. Diet Candy Bars-oh, please, these are for self-conscious adults who want to lose weight but not for kids who just want candy and don’t care about their weight and health, yet.

58. Religious Pamplets- look, unless it’s from the kid’s religious class (or parochial school and/or local religious establishment like a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, coven, shrine, or cult commune), their presence isn’t welcomed in any private residence and are guaranteed to offend possibly non-religious parents (or parents belonging to a different religious tradition). I hear Chick Tracts are fairly famous ones which would be seen as offensive to almost every group of people out there other than perhaps conservative Fundamentalist Christians in the American South. Seriously, Halloween isn’t the time to proselytize the good news, especially to children. Still, these are worse than toothbrushes.

59. Hershey’s Candy Corn Crème Bars- yes, they exist and they resemble a yellow and orange bar of soap. It’s pretty disgusting.

60. Candy Canes-now why give out a candy on Halloween you use to decorate your Christmas Tree? Besides, it’s too early.

61. McDonald’s/Burger King Gift Certificates-yes, we’ve all got them and most of the time our parents tried using them after they were expired. You’re better off getting gift certificates from your local pizza place.

62. Thrills Soap Gum-from iVillage.ca, “Where did this stuff go when Halloween was over? Purple and soap-flavored, it was ALWAYS the last thing in your bag. But then one day in late November, you’d rifle through your old stash with a massive sugar craving, and that’s all that would be left. And you’d think…aw, heck, might as well chew it…..”

63. Pumpkin Peeps-for those who couldn’t resist the inedible marshmallow Easter icons, here’s the perfect Halloween treat for you. These are only for the peep diorama types, not for kids.

64. Ribbon Candy-from Mommyish, “This makes my skin crawl, as it brings back memories of the sharp ends of it slicing through my tongue. This stuff is actually a weapon. Maybe you should keep some in your purse.”

65. Business Swag-using Halloween as a way to promote your business platform. Explain to me how that’s going to make a kid happy. It isn’t.

66. Loose Peanuts-well, they may seem like healthy alternative, but are more suited for football games and aren’t likely to be enjoyed when not in a can. This is especially true if these legumes are found in their shells.

67. Sweet Tarts Squeeze-what the hell is this candy? Also, really gross for a night devoted to eating tons of sugar.

68. Old and Decrepit Toys-from Babble, “There are two families in my neighborhood (who perhaps know each other and copied the other’s trick-or-treat style) that collect old and dirty toys and tell innocent children to stick a hand inside a bag and pull out a rusted car or doll with a broken head while explaining to the parents that they are good toys but since they have no room for them, they hand out for Halloween.”

69. Mystery Candy-face it, kids won’t eat any candy they can’t identify or recognize.

70. Baby Ruth Bars-just have too many peanuts and not enough chocolate.

71. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars-from Chicago Now, “Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?”

72. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses-let’s face it, while the pumpkin spice latte may be popular, this doesn’t mean you put pumpkin spice in everything. According to a writer from Chicago Now, “I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.”

73. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies- according to a writer from Chicago Now, “In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea?”

74. Political Ads-second to unwelcome stuff you can put in a kid’s trick or treat bag are these, especially if you’re a political candidate. Save the ads for Election Day if you want to give them out.

75. Anything Tampered-now receiving a treat that may have some tampering on it, well, if you give anything containing razor blades or poison, then you can expect a lawsuit from the parents or jail. You’d be surprised how often this happens and sometimes it makes the news. So don’t be that guy. Also, goes the same for candy laced with illegal drugs or any substance that’s illegal for people under 21.

76. Pop-now giving out candy is one thing, but giving out carbonated beverages, well, they’re even less healthy than the standard Halloween fare. And I have received this on Halloween.

77. Eggs-let’s see, they aren’t candy and can easily break. Best served to be thrown by teenagers.

78. Rocks-no child wants a Halloween trick or treat bag like Charlie Brown’s and even he’s miserable getting them.

79. Poop-this one speaks for itself whether it be from you or your dog. Now that’s just worse than rocks.

80. Nothing-from 2Shopper, “At least when you have bad Halloween candy, you’ve still earned some reward. When you receive nothing for painting your face and looking ridiculous out in public, you might as well join the kid who got a rock for Halloween.” Yes, giving nothing might lead to these same crying little kids throw rocks at your house later. I mean c’mon, it would be nicer if you gave out stuff like crunchy frogs, ram’s bladder cups, cockroach clusters, or spring surprise.

The Definitive Holiday Gift Guide on What Not to Buy for Kids

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 30, 2013

On my last post I wrote about what not to give adults for Christmas in the wake of the holiday season. This time I focus on the kids since they are a whole different category to themselves and are much easier to buy for. For one, Children usually know what they want for Christmas and you can always consult their parents on what would make a good gift. Not to mention, you can be consulted on what’s safe for them. Besides, even if you don’t give them exactly what they want, the good ones usually get over it. Nevertheless, Christmas is a holiday that usually markets to children anyway. However, there are plenty of toys out there that I’m sure no parent would want their kids to have or children wouldn’t want in the first place. Here is a list of some of the worst toys one should never buy for children.

1. My Cleaning Trolley

Of course, I’ve never been into cleaning and I don’t think a toy would ever encourage me to do that. Nevertheless, I think this wouldn’t be a bad toy to give a child if this product wasn’t marketed to just girls as well as didn’t take the form of a janitorial set. I don’t see anything against promoting household chores in the toy world but even toy kitchens can still be more gender neutral. Yet, this doesn’t seem very gender neutral to me as well as resembles something more associated with a public, commercial, or industrial building than what anyone would have in their home. Encouraging girls how to clean is fine, encouraging girls to be cleaning ladies, well, I’m not sure if that’s going to bode well especially if it’s in stores in ethnic and racial minority communities.

2. Lil’ Monkey

This is just racist, plain and simple. Anyone who’s black and/or knows anything about American history would see why this toy shouldn’t be on the shelves. Comparing blacks to monkeys has always had negative connotation in one of the worst racist forms. And this didn’t just happen in America, but also in much of western civilization, especially during colonization. This isn’t cute, it’s insulting. I mean really who makes this kind of shit?

3. Playmobil Security Checkpoint

This is disturbing. I mean a security checkpoint toy set? Really, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I guess this is something to desensitize them when they go to an airport, school, or some government building. Seriously how can you encourage creative play with that without worrying about your child’s imagination? Look, how much real security has their minds run wild. Still, at least it doesn’t have a full body scan that they used after the Underwear Bomber. Also, it’s $60.

4. Pole Dancer Doll

Yikes! How did this doll ever get to be made? Sure being a stripper is a career choice for many parents but that doesn’t mean there should be a doll to encourage it. Even stripper parents don’t want their kids becoming strippers because they have awful lives. Not only that but it also sexualizes young girls in ways I can’t even describe especially since the doll looks like a little girl herself.

5. Gasoline Powered Audi Two Seater Car for Kids

Really? A gas powered car for kids? Unbelievable. I have nothing against toy cars but there’s absolutely no way in hell I’d buy that for any kid. For one, it’s about $14,000, which is more than many real life cars as well as many other more important gas powered products like lawn mowers. Second, it uses gas for energy which means it will probably pollute the skies. Third, it’s an accident waiting to happen with its maximum speed of 13 MPH and as street legals as a lawn mower.

6. Lightning Reaction Extreme

I had a lot of games when I was a kid. However, I don’t think I’d like playing this one but it might have been useful for me if my parents knew I was ever going to do Quiz Bowl. Still, I don’t think this game could translate into family fun unless it’s in a sado-masochistic way if you know what I mean. Otherwise, what you’d mostly hear are kids screaming by the end. There are two versions of this game, one in which only the slowest player gets shocked and the other where everyone else but the fast player gets shocked. I don’t know but I don’t see electrocution as anything fun to endure and maybe border around child abuse. Seriously, what sadistic bastard would think otherwise?

7. Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring

Or according to the Huffington Post: “Way to take a game that is ages old and barely fun and add unnecessary plastic.” Couldn’t said it better myself.

8. Breastfeeding Baby Doll

Though this doll doesn’t really promote sexualizing young girls and uses flowers instead of nipples, perhaps it’s disturbingly a little too close to home. Well, other than the girl wearing the halter top over her outfit but still little doll babies suckling and moving its mouth seems a little disturbing. Girls, I get that you want to feed your baby doll like your mommy feeds your baby siblings but this is ridiculous. Tagline reads “Because you shouldn’t have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby.” Many parents would think otherwise.

9. Tongue Kissing Pops

Sure there are plenty of candy toys but this one is downright inappropriate enough which consists of animal heads with a tongue shaped lollipop coming out. Even more disturbing that these have animal heads which not only may encourage your kids try getting to second base but perhaps experimenting with bestiality. And lord knows how that could go wrong.

10. Video Girl Barbie

This is a toy in which the Barbie doll has a video camera placed between her breasts which is capable recording about a 30 minute video. Sure there’s nothing wrong about trying to foster a young girl’s interest in filmmaking, especially with the lack of female Hollywood directors and cinematographers out there. However, before you get this, take heed from the FBI that in the wrong hands (think pedophile) this doll can be used as “a possible child pornography production method.” Of course, so could any video production product.

11. McDonald’s Drive-Thru Playset

As if McDonald’s isn’t trying to corrupt kids’ appetites with Happy Meals already. Now they market these so your kid may be willing to work for them sometime in the future. Yet, as HuffPo said, “You have to give them credit for trying to secure their workforce as early as possible.” Still, doesn’t capture the reality of working for McDonald’s, yet at least it’s not like encouraging kids to be strippers or anything though not by much. Actually this goes for any McDonald’s toy product.

12. Play-Doh Dr. Drill n’ Fill

Of course, this might encourage your kid to become a dentist and promote a healthy and active lifestyle. But teaching them this by associating fun with gouging out cavities? Really, that’s disgusting. Then again, I’m sure real dentists may feel the same way except that a mouthful of cavities may equal a trip to the Bahamas.

13. Barbie and Her Dog Tanner

Perhaps it’s about time Mattel used Barbie to teach young girls how to care for your dog. However, as someone who lives in the country, I don’t think a pooper scooper is necessary in my neck of the woods. When a dog craps outside where I live, you just leave it where the plops where they lay. Still, since I played with Barbies as a kid, I bet I would’ve gotten one of these (since my Uncle Mike and Aunt Rosemary gave us a jellybean pooping reindeer one year, don’t ask.)

14. Roadkill Toys

Really? Is this a joke? Sure stuffed animals may be a good gift for kids but a plush dead animal shouldn’t even be considered. Besides, I think these toys are more for adults since they can leave kids traumatized, especially very young ones.

15. Playskool in the Night Garden Goodnight Friend Upsy Daisy

The product’s description says, “Her working daisy light gives off a gentle glow to encourage your little one to settle down for bed, too.” Of course, I’m not sure if she’ll do that or give your little one nightmares in the process since this monstrosity looks like she’s crawled from a demonic fever dream with her glow powered by the souls of unsuspecting children. And she’s supposed to be cute and cuddly? More like terrifying even by the Addams Family standards. Your kid may have one eye open if he or she is interested in self-preservation.

16. Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo Doll

Basically a baby doll that constantly craps itself and brings your little girl all the disgusting parts about parenthood. I’m sure your daughter will enjoy having to change the baby doll’s diaper but please they may want to put lemonade and beef for more realistic effects (she probably won’t.) Still, I couldn’t imagine having a baby doll like this as a kid and think that a doll which urinates and defecates is more or less suited for boys than young girls. Also, when it comes to baby dolls, some things are just best left to the imagination.

17. Stuffed STD’s

Look, just because it’s a plush toy, doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for children and these toys sort of show the reason why. For one, these toys make a terrible thing seem so cute and cuddly, well, not really. Second, they could potentially traumatize them into a lifelong virginity. I’m perfectly fine with educational toys but I don’t know in this context, which kind of makes me gag.

18. My First Tattoo Gun

My sister has designed tattoos in the past and this might’ve come in handy if this was available when we were kids. Still, it’s pretty innocent compared to the real thing since the tattoos are easily removable with some hot soapy water. However, not many people are perfectly fine with little kids having a product like this especially since the tattoos are associated with rednecks, sailors, punks, and Neo-Nazis.

19. Doggy Doo

This is a game about watching a dog crap which you’d have to clean up after. Really? A game to teach kids how to clean up after a dog? Of course, this may serve purpose in more populated areas with such ordinances whereas people where I live would just laugh and laugh because there no one ever cleans up after their dogs going outside. Just take the dog out, let it do its business, and leave. And on a walk, just give a dog a break and go on your way. You just let Mother Nature take care of disposal methods. Seriously, who comes up with these ideas?

20. Her First High Heels

Really? Sure I like a cute baby in a pretty little dress but still, not high heels please. Seriously can you imagine trying to stand up in high heels? I may wear them but I’m an adult and making little babies wear high heel shoes is just one of the most irresponsible acts a parent could do. I mean who the hell put these on the market?

21. Playmobil Hazmat Figurine Playset

Seriously, are the people at Playmobil are on drugs or something? I mean how can playset around cleaning hazardous waste be fun? It’s not fun, it’s awful since people have to wear hazmat suits. I mean the possibilities are endless here with letting kids imaging a nuclear meltdown, a toxic waste dump, a Superfund site, or pollution of hazardous chemicals. Please can’t we not have playsets relating to something like Chernobyl or Bhopal?

22. Shape-Shifter Punisher

Of course, many comic book superheros have their own merchandise like action figures that sometimes transform into something else. There may not be anything objectionable about The Punisher other than his use of violence but this is an inappropriate character design that I don’t think boys should have. Apparently he’s not the only action figure who has this problem.

23. Shave the Baby Doll

This one is from Japan but the designer must’ve been on some strong brown acid from Woodstock to come up with this. Really? First off, babies aren’t really that hairy. Second, the baby doll has hair in places like an adult person would have which is gross and more appropriate for Eddie Munster’s 3 year-old-sister if he ever had one. This freakish thing looks like the result of a female leprechaun mating with Bigfoot. Still, at least it’s a girl doll. Would more or less resemble a leprechaun Sasquatch if it were a boy. Yet, in this case, at least doll hair never grows back.

24. Remote Control Lederhosen

Just what a kid needs, a pair of dancing and yodeling ghost pants controlled by a knockwurst bound to give any child nightmares. Really who the hell comes up with the idea? Or was this made for adults? Still, children are going to get freaked out on this. I’m kind of terrified of it now.

25. She-Male Dolls

These are from Russia which have the male genitalia combined with the long flowing hair associated with females. Seriously, who the hell thinks of such ideas like this. I don’t think hermaphrodite baby dolls are what a little girl wants since they may make them feel a little confused about why their cute little blond doll has a schlong. Are they just doll versions of hair band musicians from the 1980s? Or are they just little boy dolls being raised as girls since their mother wanted a daughter so badly? Or are they just hermaphrodites? Man, this can go on for ages. Besides, anatomically correct dolls are never a good idea, especially on dolls that may be intersex hermaphrodites or just plain transvestites. Nevertheless, looks so creepy. Seriously, Russia, you have some serious issues.

In case I missed any:

From the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/12/worst-christmas-gifts-for-kids_n_1143639.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/02/worst-toys-for-girls_n_701063.html?ref=stupid-products#s133018title=Princess_Maid

From Student Beans.com: http://www.studentbeans.com/picture/look-at-his-lovely-little-moustache-aww-.html

From Heavy: http://www.heavy.com/comedy/2012/12/the-20-worst-kids-toys-ever/

Halloween Costume Tips for Children

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 5, 2013

For those who remember my last post for inappropriate Halloween costumes, I was mainly setting certain standards that applied to a more general audience, particularly of the teen and adult variety (especially those in college). However, when it comes to Halloween costumes, not all standards are created equal especially if they pertain for children under the age of 14. For this I have a special set of rules to make sure your child can dress in a safe and appropriate costume and you don’t have to be accused of bad parenting. Of course, I don’t have any kids but I understand that the FCC standards of decency are much different for children’s programming as well as am the oldest of 23 grandchildren so those kind of count. Also, it’s not difficult to figure out and I’m just writing this post for laughs and using it to post bad costume pictures like the one of kids dressed from The Jersey Shore.

1. Make sure the costume idea is age appropriate- Okay, if you don’t want to be seen as a bad parent, you need to pay attention to this. Of course, there are certain costumes that shouldn’t be worn by anyone but sometimes there are certain costume ideas which are perfectly all right for adults but absolutely not suitable for children. Sexy costumes are a perfect example but there are age inappropriate examples for both boys and girls like these:

2. Make sure the costume is obtained from G or PG rated material- Or from any source in which you’ll let your kid watch. Of course, many superhero movies are PG-13 and so are the later Harry Potter films but these are perfectly fine. And I wouldn’t object from any parent dressing their kid as a hobbit if they’re Lord of the Rings fans. You can dress your kid as a stormtrooper for all I care. But, please don’t have your kid be dressed from a source material that’s rated R and strictly for adults like Hannibal Lecter. I mean children aren’t going to know who he is but parents probably will and they might get freaked out. See here:

3. Don’t be gross or gory- Of course, on adult costumes grossness and goriness are perfectly all right since Halloween is supposed to be scary and most violence and gross out comedies are catered to adults anyway. For kids, not so much since there are plenty of debates about how much violence in the media influences children’s likeliness to commit violence themselves. As for grossness, you don’t want other parents to be disgusted by your kid’s costume. Of course, this one takes the cake:

4. Make sure the costume sets a decent example- By this, I mean make sure it’s appropriate enough not for people to get offended by it or accuse you of bad parenting. Of course, if your son wants to dress up as his favorite character from My Little Pony, that is fine. If your son wants to dress up in a girly costume, that’s fine as well. Also, if your girl wants to dress in boyish costume, it’s all right, too. After all, this is Halloween where cross dressing is common among people who wouldn’t do so otherwise. Also, cross dressing is perfectly G rated. However, I wouldn’t advise any parent to have them wear costumes of political figures, controversial celebrities, reality TV stars, convicts, or any TV character known for doing very bad things (like Dexter or anyone from The Wire). Just don’t let your kid wear anything disturbing.

5. Make sure the costume is appropriate enough to wear in school- Of course, if your kid goes to a public elementary school, there’s a good chance that he or she will wear it in school on the last Friday in October. Make sure your kid’s costume fits into the guidelines of his or her school such as not having sharp edges as well as leave the weapons at home (I mean high schools don’t even have plastic knives in the cafeteria). Still, I wouldn’t recommend your kid wearing this for the same reason (and that it’s offensive):

6. Make sure the costume doesn’t have anything to do with drugs or alcohol- This is a biggie since such content might be perfectly all right for an adult to wear, it’s unsuitable for children, especially if they’re elementary school age. Any child going as Walter White, Jesse Pinkman, Don Draper, or anyone else in a costume depicting drugs or alcohol will certainly not be allowed to wear it for school. As for the alcohol and cigarettes, use the idea with your spouse, not your kid. Also, I wonder what this parent was smoking when he or she thought this was a good costume idea for a baby:

7. It’s all right to be scary but not too scary- It’s all right if your kid wants to go as something scary for Halloween. After all, Halloween is a holiday associated with ghosts, witches, ghouls, and monsters. However, there are some scary kid costumes that are very disturbing for adults and would certainly give little children nightmares, especially if they’re from horror movies aimed at teens and adults. Tim Burton film inspired costumes also fall into this camp. Such an example here:

There are some costumes that are unintentionally scary such as this Pinocchio costume. Avoid this one like the plague:

8. Make sure the costume passes political correctness- Of course, with adult costumes it’s okay to allow a little political incorectness now and then, just as long as it’s not outright offensive. For kids, you have to be a little more careful since while some costumes might be okay on and adult, they may not be for kids, especially if it insults someone who might give them candy. For instance, this Blind Ref costume might be a funny idea for adults and teenagers but for kids, this might end up insulting blind people. Thus, political correctness must be emphasized:

9. Don’t make your kid wear a costume that would embarrass them- Listen, you might want your kids to dress in a costume you might think is funny but if your kid carries the kind of expression akin to Ralphie in pink bunny pajamas, you might want to take a pass. Not to mention, there are some costume ideas that are just too cruel to instill on your kids. The boy who’s wearing a toilet costume is certainly going to get teased or beat up at school shown here:

10. Naughty is fine, sexy is not- Of course, the terms “naughty” and “sexy” almost mean the same thing when it comes to Halloween costumes for adults. However, you don’t want your daughter to dress in a sexy costume but that in kids costume “naughty” doesn’t necessarily carry the same connotations. For instance, take this Naughty Leopard costume for toddlers:

While it may say “Naughty Leopard” on the label, look closely ans see that it’s just a normal little girl’s costume that carries no sexual connotations whatsoever. This is fine. However, if a girl’s costume seems to resemble something off Toddlers & Tiaras or anything resembling child prostitutes, then it’s not okay. See here:

11. Make sure the costume is something your kid can go trick or treating in- A child’s costume needs to be practical such as allowing them to see and move around. Also, you want to emphasize safety in the equation such as having your kid’s costume not be something they could injure themselves or other kids. This baby Minecraft costume isn’t a real practical one to wear since it doesn’t have anything to see through. But it’s okay since it’s a baby costume. If this was worn by an older kid, it would’ve been worse:

12. If it’s inappropriate for adults, then it’s inappropriate for kids- Last but not least, I’d like to note that if a costume idea is deemed inappropriate and offensive to adult audiences, then it will certainly be the case if a kid wore it. And I don’t think it could be any more emphasized than with me posting a baby pimp costume:

Of course, I might have missed a few criteria here and there but if you want to see which costumes your kids shouldn’t be wearing I have a few links at your disposal:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/15/the-most-inappropriate-kids-halloween-costumes-photos_n_1967382.html

http://www.babble.com/home/25-totally-inappropriate-halloween-costumes-for-kids/

http://www.parentsociety.com/news-2/inappropriate-kids-halloween-costumes/

Now How is this a Good Idea for a Children’s Book? And How the Hell Did This Get Published?

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 11, 2013

The other day I came across the a website site devoted to terrible library books libraries everywhere removed from their shelves. Of course, many of them were outdated and damaged, while others tend to be outright inappropriate to put on the shelves. Ones that particularly caught my eye were a good set of children’s book which either discussed a certain subject which I would see as inappropriate and/or completely misses the point or even gives a message that’s completely wrong and harmful to kids in general. Some people think that anyone can write a children’s book (not really) yet many of these examples tend to make me disagree as well as scratch my head thinking was it a good idea gone bad, how can this be a children’s book, and how did this ever get published.

1. Worst Children’s Book Author: Doris Sanford. Sure she writes kiddie books on serious issues only to manage to mislead as well as terrify parents and kids of all ages everywhere. Her books usually date from the 1980s or 1990s or right around the time when I was a kid. These are usually books that tend to feature a child with abusive parents who shouldn’t have kids. Yet, she seems to discuss nothing wrong with the parents’ abusive behavior unless it involves pedophilia, satanic rituals, drugs, or alcoholism, and she conveys her message badly. Also, the artwork is beyond creepy and sometimes the subject matter is rather inappropriate for children. But don’t take my word for it, perhaps see for yourself how Doris Sanford discusses issues to kids like:

Satanic ritual abuse: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/satan-for-kids/>, <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/satan-for-kids-part-2/>

Titled: Don’t Make Me Go Back, Mommy

Child sex abuse: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/please-dont-talk-about-it-anymore/>

Titled: I Can’t Talk About It

Teen Drug Abuse: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/please-dont-talk-about-it-anymore/>

Titled: I Can Say No

Divorce: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/daddy-left-because-you-were-bad/>

Titled: Please Come Home

Parents Having an Argument (or just plain being abusive to kids, I can’t tell which): <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/lisas-parents-fight/>

Titled: Lisa’s Parents Fight

Alcoholism: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/mommy-is-a-drunk/>

Titled: I Know the World’s Worst Secret

After looking at these books you might want to be sick.

2. Most Unintentionally Hilarious: Well, it’s perhaps Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say “No” to Drugs by Sylvia Scott Gibson. Another children’s book with a message which does get across but it’s pretty badly written. However, this is a terrible way to teach kids not to do drugs. Yeah, the characters are all talking horses but still, the illustrations of the horses smoking and drinking, well, I don’t think any parent or child can come across them without nearly dying of laughter. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous but falls into the “so bad, it’s good” variety. About as effective to teaching your kids not to do drugs as Reefer Madness.

Here’s a link: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/partying-horses/>

3. Worst Message for Young Girls: I would say it would have to be between Maggie Goes on a Diet and My Beautiful Mommy. Both books are certainly geared to young girls and convey terrible messages about physical appearance and your time be much better spent if you and your daughter watch The Little Mermaid or Snow White. The former is about a teenage girl with a weight issue who ends up improving her life after she went on a diet and lost weight (such as improving her soccer game, grades, and suddenly being popular and attractive to boys). Look, in a climate of high obesity rates, I understand how important it is for a child to lose weight since we all know the health risks like diabetes, heart disease, back pain, and early death. We should encourage our kids to lose weight or go on a diet but it should be discussed as health issue and should only be done for health reasons. Also, exercise should be in equation as well. This book doesn’t discuss it as such and presents a diet as a cure for negative body image and poor self-esteem. Losing weight might improve self-esteem but it’s not going to quite make you popular, desirable to boys, or better at school. The latter is about a girl whose mother has plastic surgery (like a tummy tuck and a nose job) which is discussed in glowing terms even though there’s absolutely no reason to have it. She looks fine. I mean this is the mother being insecure about her own looks and aging, especially weight gain, which is normal for anyone who’s at least 30. If there should be a book about mommy getting plastic surgery, then perhaps put her in a disfiguring accident for God’s sake and discuss how cosmetic restorative surgery helped her get her life back together. Still, both these books teach girls that appearances matter and if your unhappy about your own physical appearance, you should change it, which will make everything better. What a load of crap. Oh, and their both written by guys, one a plastic surgeon in Miami.

Link to Maggie Goes on a Diet: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/you-are-never-too-young-to-think-about-going-on-a-diet/>

Link to My Beautiful Mommy: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/mommy-needs-to-get-pretty/>

4. Most Scary Subject Matter: Why, Nobody Wants a Nuclear War by Judith Vigna. Of course, there is no perfect way to talk to our kids about scary subjects, especially the concept of nuclear warfare prone to obliterate everyone practically in it’s path. Heck, it’s a scary subject for adults. Still, even worse, this was written in 1986. 1960 might have been better since the Cuban Missile Crisis happened around 1962. Read this to your kid as a bedtime story and you will be sure he or she will have nightmares.

Link: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/end-of-the-world-for-kids/>

5. Worst Children’s Book Ever: I would have to say the honor has to go to a book called Alfie’s Home by Richard Cohen which is probably a great candidate for perhaps the worst kiddie book I ever came across. There are just so many things wrong with it that I would never recommend adults even to read it. Yeah, it’s incredibly fucked up and beyond terrible. For one, the book’s subject is about homosexuality with it’s message that it’s not okay. And of course, this is probably intended for Conservative Christian Evangelicals in the Bible Belt as well as Ex-Gay ministries everywhere. Second, it’s about a boy who questions his sexuality since his dad’s constantly working, his parents fight all the time, and his creepy uncle is sexually abusing him. Third, there’s actually a scene with the boy and his uncle in bed together and it’s implied that they are doing naughty things. Not to mention, there are pretty creepy parent diagrams later. Seriously, who shows child molestation in a children’s book, honestly? And to make things worse, the school guidance counselor attributes the kid question his sexuality because his dad’s not spending enough time with him or his mother. So the parents go to marriage counseling, the uncle gets some undefined help, Alfie spends more time with his dad, and later you see Alfie all grown up and with a wife and kids who’s not gay anymore. Really? Not only does this book portray homosexuality inaccurately, but considering what is happening in Alfie’s life, his sexual orientation is perhaps the least of his problems. Also, being a child of sex abuse can screw someone up for life. God what an awful fucked up book. Must’ve been published by a Christian publishing company in Texas or some other Southern state.

Link: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/gayness-explained/>

And here’s another review: <http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/blogs/latest/entry/the-worst-childrens-book-ever-alfies-home>

6. Most Cringe Worthy Cover: Todd and the Talking Pinata Talk Sacrifice, though the story is not bad and it’s actually not the Talking Pinata that gets sacrificed, you have to wonder. Also, Talking Pinata and baseball bat? That could get ugly. Still, pretty weird.

Link: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/friday-fiction-todd-and-the-talking-pinata-talk-sacrifice/>

7. Worst Excuse for a PSA: If People Were Perfect, which is an e-book from KeepYourChildSafe.org, which is to address sexual abuse and prevention. Still, it doesn’t seem to prevent kids with being traumatized, especially with those creepy illustrations. Not to mention, it’s an e-book. Also, they have another one called The Day My House Catched Fires (honestly, believe me).

Link: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/e-weeding/>

8. Worst Use in Photography: The Lonely Doll by Dare Wright. May seem like a cute idea at the time like in 1957, but by today’s standards it’s sure as hell creepy and willing to traumatize your kids into nightmaredom as we know it. Also, the doll gets spanked by a teddy bear. Jesus Christ.

Link: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/the-other-bride-of-chucky/>

9. Worst Retelling: The Magic Nutcracker which is kind of a creepy story catered to young girls since it’s made into a ballet, Yet, these pictures are oh, so creepy. Then again, many fairy tales tend to be creepy in general. This will make your children cringe around Christmas time. Also, pretty badly written.

Link: <http://awfullibrarybooks.net/nutcracker/>

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