The Definitive Holiday Gift Guide on What Not to Buy for Kids

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On my last post I wrote about what not to give adults for Christmas in the wake of the holiday season. This time I focus on the kids since they are a whole different category to themselves and are much easier to buy for. For one, Children usually know what they want for Christmas and you can always consult their parents on what would make a good gift. Not to mention, you can be consulted on what’s safe for them. Besides, even if you don’t give them exactly what they want, the good ones usually get over it. Nevertheless, Christmas is a holiday that usually markets to children anyway. However, there are plenty of toys out there that I’m sure no parent would want their kids to have or children wouldn’t want in the first place. Here is a list of some of the worst toys one should never buy for children.

1. My Cleaning Trolley

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Of course, I’ve never been into cleaning and I don’t think a toy would ever encourage me to do that. Nevertheless, I think this wouldn’t be a bad toy to give a child if this product wasn’t marketed to just girls as well as didn’t take the form of a janitorial set. I don’t see anything against promoting household chores in the toy world but even toy kitchens can still be more gender neutral. Yet, this doesn’t seem very gender neutral to me as well as resembles something more associated with a public, commercial, or industrial building than what anyone would have in their home. Encouraging girls how to clean is fine, encouraging girls to be cleaning ladies, well, I’m not sure if that’s going to bode well especially if it’s in stores in ethnic and racial minority communities.

2. Lil’ Monkey

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This is just racist, plain and simple. Anyone who’s black and/or knows anything about American history would see why this toy shouldn’t be on the shelves. Comparing blacks to monkeys has always had negative connotation in one of the worst racist forms. And this didn’t just happen in America, but also in much of western civilization, especially during colonization. This isn’t cute, it’s insulting. I mean really who makes this kind of shit?

3. Playmobil Security Checkpoint

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This is disturbing. I mean a security checkpoint toy set? Really, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I guess this is something to desensitize them when they go to an airport, school, or some government building. Seriously how can you encourage creative play with that without worrying about your child’s imagination? Look, how much real security has their minds run wild. Still, at least it doesn’t have a full body scan that they used after the Underwear Bomber. Also, it’s $60.

4. Pole Dancer Doll

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Yikes! How did this doll ever get to be made? Sure being a stripper is a career choice for many parents but that doesn’t mean there should be a doll to encourage it. Even stripper parents don’t want their kids becoming strippers because they have awful lives. Not only that but it also sexualizes young girls in ways I can’t even describe especially since the doll looks like a little girl herself.

5. Gasoline Powered Audi Two Seater Car for Kids

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Really? A gas powered car for kids? Unbelievable. I have nothing against toy cars but there’s absolutely no way in hell I’d buy that for any kid. For one, it’s about $14,000, which is more than many real life cars as well as many other more important gas powered products like lawn mowers. Second, it uses gas for energy which means it will probably pollute the skies. Third, it’s an accident waiting to happen with its maximum speed of 13 MPH and as street legals as a lawn mower.

6. Lightning Reaction Extreme

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I had a lot of games when I was a kid. However, I don’t think I’d like playing this one but it might have been useful for me if my parents knew I was ever going to do Quiz Bowl. Still, I don’t think this game could translate into family fun unless it’s in a sado-masochistic way if you know what I mean. Otherwise, what you’d mostly hear are kids screaming by the end. There are two versions of this game, one in which only the slowest player gets shocked and the other where everyone else but the fast player gets shocked. I don’t know but I don’t see electrocution as anything fun to endure and maybe border around child abuse. Seriously, what sadistic bastard would think otherwise?

7. Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring

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Or according to the Huffington Post: “Way to take a game that is ages old and barely fun and add unnecessary plastic.” Couldn’t said it better myself.

8. Breastfeeding Baby Doll

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Though this doll doesn’t really promote sexualizing young girls and uses flowers instead of nipples, perhaps it’s disturbingly a little too close to home. Well, other than the girl wearing the halter top over her outfit but still little doll babies suckling and moving its mouth seems a little disturbing. Girls, I get that you want to feed your baby doll like your mommy feeds your baby siblings but this is ridiculous. Tagline reads “Because you shouldn’t have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby.” Many parents would think otherwise.

9. Tongue Kissing Pops

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Sure there are plenty of candy toys but this one is downright inappropriate enough which consists of animal heads with a tongue shaped lollipop coming out. Even more disturbing that these have animal heads which not only may encourage your kids try getting to second base but perhaps experimenting with bestiality. And lord knows how that could go wrong.

10. Video Girl Barbie

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This is a toy in which the Barbie doll has a video camera placed between her breasts which is capable recording about a 30 minute video. Sure there’s nothing wrong about trying to foster a young girl’s interest in filmmaking, especially with the lack of female Hollywood directors and cinematographers out there. However, before you get this, take heed from the FBI that in the wrong hands (think pedophile) this doll can be used as “a possible child pornography production method.” Of course, so could any video production product.

11. McDonald’s Drive-Thru Playset

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As if McDonald’s isn’t trying to corrupt kids’ appetites with Happy Meals already. Now they market these so your kid may be willing to work for them sometime in the future. Yet, as HuffPo said, “You have to give them credit for trying to secure their workforce as early as possible.” Still, doesn’t capture the reality of working for McDonald’s, yet at least it’s not like encouraging kids to be strippers or anything though not by much. Actually this goes for any McDonald’s toy product.

12. Play-Doh Dr. Drill n’ Fill

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Of course, this might encourage your kid to become a dentist and promote a healthy and active lifestyle. But teaching them this by associating fun with gouging out cavities? Really, that’s disgusting. Then again, I’m sure real dentists may feel the same way except that a mouthful of cavities may equal a trip to the Bahamas.

13. Barbie and Her Dog Tanner

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Perhaps it’s about time Mattel used Barbie to teach young girls how to care for your dog. However, as someone who lives in the country, I don’t think a pooper scooper is necessary in my neck of the woods. When a dog craps outside where I live, you just leave it where the plops where they lay. Still, since I played with Barbies as a kid, I bet I would’ve gotten one of these (since my Uncle Mike and Aunt Rosemary gave us a jellybean pooping reindeer one year, don’t ask.)

14. Roadkill Toys

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Really? Is this a joke? Sure stuffed animals may be a good gift for kids but a plush dead animal shouldn’t even be considered. Besides, I think these toys are more for adults since they can leave kids traumatized, especially very young ones.

15. Playskool in the Night Garden Goodnight Friend Upsy Daisy

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The product’s description says, “Her working daisy light gives off a gentle glow to encourage your little one to settle down for bed, too.” Of course, I’m not sure if she’ll do that or give your little one nightmares in the process since this monstrosity looks like she’s crawled from a demonic fever dream with her glow powered by the souls of unsuspecting children. And she’s supposed to be cute and cuddly? More like terrifying even by the Addams Family standards. Your kid may have one eye open if he or she is interested in self-preservation.

16. Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo Doll

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Basically a baby doll that constantly craps itself and brings your little girl all the disgusting parts about parenthood. I’m sure your daughter will enjoy having to change the baby doll’s diaper but please they may want to put lemonade and beef for more realistic effects (she probably won’t.) Still, I couldn’t imagine having a baby doll like this as a kid and think that a doll which urinates and defecates is more or less suited for boys than young girls. Also, when it comes to baby dolls, some things are just best left to the imagination.

17. Stuffed STD’s

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Look, just because it’s a plush toy, doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for children and these toys sort of show the reason why. For one, these toys make a terrible thing seem so cute and cuddly, well, not really. Second, they could potentially traumatize them into a lifelong virginity. I’m perfectly fine with educational toys but I don’t know in this context, which kind of makes me gag.

18. My First Tattoo Gun

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My sister has designed tattoos in the past and this might’ve come in handy if this was available when we were kids. Still, it’s pretty innocent compared to the real thing since the tattoos are easily removable with some hot soapy water. However, not many people are perfectly fine with little kids having a product like this especially since the tattoos are associated with rednecks, sailors, punks, and Neo-Nazis.

19. Doggy Doo

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This is a game about watching a dog crap which you’d have to clean up after. Really? A game to teach kids how to clean up after a dog? Of course, this may serve purpose in more populated areas with such ordinances whereas people where I live would just laugh and laugh because there no one ever cleans up after their dogs going outside. Just take the dog out, let it do its business, and leave. And on a walk, just give a dog a break and go on your way. You just let Mother Nature take care of disposal methods. Seriously, who comes up with these ideas?

20. Her First High Heels

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Really? Sure I like a cute baby in a pretty little dress but still, not high heels please. Seriously can you imagine trying to stand up in high heels? I may wear them but I’m an adult and making little babies wear high heel shoes is just one of the most irresponsible acts a parent could do. I mean who the hell put these on the market?

21. Playmobil Hazmat Figurine Playset

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Seriously, are the people at Playmobil are on drugs or something? I mean how can playset around cleaning hazardous waste be fun? It’s not fun, it’s awful since people have to wear hazmat suits. I mean the possibilities are endless here with letting kids imaging a nuclear meltdown, a toxic waste dump, a Superfund site, or pollution of hazardous chemicals. Please can’t we not have playsets relating to something like Chernobyl or Bhopal?

22. Shape-Shifter Punisher

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Of course, many comic book superheros have their own merchandise like action figures that sometimes transform into something else. There may not be anything objectionable about The Punisher other than his use of violence but this is an inappropriate character design that I don’t think boys should have. Apparently he’s not the only action figure who has this problem.

23. Shave the Baby Doll

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This one is from Japan but the designer must’ve been on some strong brown acid from Woodstock to come up with this. Really? First off, babies aren’t really that hairy. Second, the baby doll has hair in places like an adult person would have which is gross and more appropriate for Eddie Munster’s 3 year-old-sister if he ever had one. This freakish thing looks like the result of a female leprechaun mating with Bigfoot. Still, at least it’s a girl doll. Would more or less resemble a leprechaun Sasquatch if it were a boy. Yet, in this case, at least doll hair never grows back.

24. Remote Control Lederhosen

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Just what a kid needs, a pair of dancing and yodeling ghost pants controlled by a knockwurst bound to give any child nightmares. Really who the hell comes up with the idea? Or was this made for adults? Still, children are going to get freaked out on this. I’m kind of terrified of it now.

25. She-Male Dolls

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These are from Russia which have the male genitalia combined with the long flowing hair associated with females. Seriously, who the hell thinks of such ideas like this. I don’t think hermaphrodite baby dolls are what a little girl wants since they may make them feel a little confused about why their cute little blond doll has a schlong. Are they just doll versions of hair band musicians from the 1980s? Or are they just little boy dolls being raised as girls since their mother wanted a daughter so badly? Or are they just hermaphrodites? Man, this can go on for ages. Besides, anatomically correct dolls are never a good idea, especially on dolls that may be intersex hermaphrodites or just plain transvestites. Nevertheless, looks so creepy. Seriously, Russia, you have some serious issues.

In case I missed any:

From the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/12/worst-christmas-gifts-for-kids_n_1143639.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/02/worst-toys-for-girls_n_701063.html?ref=stupid-products#s133018title=Princess_Maid

From Student Beans.com: http://www.studentbeans.com/picture/look-at-his-lovely-little-moustache-aww-.html

From Heavy: http://www.heavy.com/comedy/2012/12/the-20-worst-kids-toys-ever/

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