Hogwarts Teacher Evaluations by Albus Dumbledore

Dumbledore's_speech_at_the_Great_Hall_in_1996

Professors, due to parental complaints which should remain nameless, I think the time has come that we put in some accountability system in place through introducing teacher evaluations. You shall receive yours through owl post which contains both my positive and negative observations as well as areas for improvement. Any questions, comments, and concerns, send an owl to my office. Teachers in previous years would be accounted for as well because our standards have really gone down when you have to hire a new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor every year. It’s a real pain in the ass. As Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I take teacher accountability very serious, well, most of the time. Let’s please make this school a safe and quality learning environment for our students.

 

  1. Rubeus Hagrid

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Expertise in handling magical creatures makes him uniquely qualified for the position. Demonstrates better personal safety than his predecessor (who retired to spend time with his remaining limbs). Hippogriff lesson was a great example of how students shouldn’t be cocky to animals. Also, does it on a gamekeeper’s salary which works for our budget.

Con: Does not speak in clear or understandable English. Cries, a lot. Has spent considerable time away from class. Once walked off to the Forbidden Forest for most of the lesson and returned with a black eye which went completely unexplained. Had students buy books that will attack them. Hippogriff incident resulted in a student being attacked as well as a huge mess on our hands (since the boy’s dad was a school board member). Can’t be trusted with a secret. Doesn’t know how to spell. Has a preference for very dangerous creatures, which he considers “cute” and tends to put their well-being over other people’s safety. Often puts students in harm’s way in his lessons plans (making our school prone to lawsuits). Then there’s the issue of him being expelled in his 3rd year (though we know the truth behind that). Sometimes even the students who like him best couldn’t be in the class longer than necessary.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t make students buy books that would attack them. Don’t let students fly around unsupervised on hippogriffs. Restrict your curriculum to creatures you know how to care for. Or better yet, anything that’s not a walking death trap. Also if a student is being rude, just send them to the office (though to be fair, the boy did have it coming).

Grade: C, not the worst person for the job but there’s plenty of room for improvement.

 

  1. Cuthbert Binns

Department: History of Magic

Pro: Knows how to make an entrance such as through the blackboard. Also, keeping him around as a ghost teacher saves money on hiring as well as faculty room and board costs.

Con: His Chamber of Secrets lesson was perhaps the only time students were known to stay awake for, which he insists can’t possibly be real. Has a reputation for being notoriously boring that most of his students fall asleep 5 minutes into class, which he doesn’t address in any way. Doesn’t help that students don’t really pay attention to his class very much. Seems surprised and irritated when asked a history related question. Does not know any of his students’ names, even those he’s known for years. May not be aware that he’s been dead for years. Might’ve failed to evacuate classroom during fire and possibly slept through the deaths of several students. Is so absent-minded that he’s amazed to find his class full of students.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Either try being livelier or move on, as in beyond the veil. Also, you should know there is more to history than just the Goblin Wars. In addition, I would recommend you take a course in fire safety if that’s possible.

Grade: D-, you should’ve been fired a long time ago, whenever that was. Not I’m not sure if that’s possible since having you around does save a ton of money not having to pay for a history teacher.

 

  1. Severus Snape

Department: Potions/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a wizarding genius who’s well-versed in all magical subjects. Demonstrates exemplary loyalty to this institution, making him well suited for performing tasks well beyond any wizard’s call of duty. Has people’s best interests at heart and can be the kind of guy you’d need on your side to win in a fight. Has shown to be quite protective toward students at times, including ones he’s known openly resent.

Con: Has a shady past which doesn’t endear him to his colleagues who just don’t understand his intentions (though he was right to keep some details confidential). Doesn’t really care enough about his students to teach them properly (though some students have done well when not under his observation. So he can be a damn good teacher when he wants to be). Has a reputation for showing favoritism to some of his Slytherin students while berating, insulting, threatening, and humiliating kids he doesn’t like which sometimes hinders their education. One case in particular revolved around a Gryffindor boy because his mom rejected him in favor of a guy who bullied him in school (with the boy not knowing the full story until years later). Subjected the boy in question to read various school reports about his dad’s days as a troublemaker as a punishment. Another has him refusing to call on a female student despite her hand being raised but took points away from Gryffindor due to her being “an insufferable know-it-all.” Reduced a second boy to an occasional nervous wreck for a few years. Has not only ignored bullying, but also actively encouraged it. Can’t seem to let go of his grudges toward boyhood enemies and move on with his life. Despite stoic demeanor, can get angry with the drop of a hat. “Accidentally” outed a colleague as a werewolf out of spite in an attempt to get him fired. Though he had a rather rough life, he shows very little compassion and understanding for other people’s suffering or any capability to see things differently.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Understand that you can’t take points away from a house just because a girl raised her hand for some time. Sure she may be an “insufferable know-it-all” but that’s not how the point system works. Treat all students with respect and be nice to them, no matter how much you wanted to bang their mom or how much their dad was a dick. Maybe cool down in the staff lounge between periods or perhaps attend an anger management class hosted by the Room or Requirement. Don’t take your bitterness on your students about being denied a DADA position each year, your miserable childhood, or inadvertently causing the death of your true love. Your classroom is not the place for it.

Grade: B+, you can be a great teacher if you just try to improve your personality or at least find a way to let go of your past. I can recommend a great therapist you can visit during the summer. Also, try to make an effort to improve your social skills.

 

  1. Sibyl Trelawney

Department: Divination

Pro: Can actually predict the future and was eventually proven to be right much of the time (especially that one time). Then again, predicting the future is a tricky thing.

Con: Fancies herself as a great seer “possessed of the Inner Eye” though is often seen as a fraud who makes up nonsensical prophecies on the spot whether she’s right or not. Is so overly weird that students don’t take her seriously. May not actually know how predictions work or may give the wrong interpretations. At any rate, something’s not right with her. Insists students buy a Divination textbook despite thinking that books are useless. Classroom is almost always filled with smoke. Drinks a lot. Has a tendency to predict deaths of students at least once a year, including one who watched his own parents die. Best student in the history of this school left mid-class and never returned.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: If you’re not using textbooks don’t insist students to buy them. Keep the death predictions to yourself since these are children. Also, it would be best to give a little more clarity on predicting the future since your prophecies may come true but not in the way you interpret them. Put more focus and organization in your lessons.

Grade: C-, we might need to bring in someone to help you with your course load. He’ll only be half horse. Understand? Because if I didn’t keep you here for your personal safety (due to your one major prophecy), I would’ve sent you packing on the spot.

 

  1. Minerva McGonagall

Department: Transfiguration

Pro: She is an exceptional and powerful witch in her field as well as a stern but fair teacher. Takes no crap from anyone and is very protective of her students for whom she’s willing to fight to the death for. But is also kindly and is seen by her students as very trustworthy as well as inspires the utmost respect. Never afraid to speak her mind and is supportive to colleagues. Is always the one teacher students go to for help even though she’d scold them since she’ll assist them whenever they need it. High expectations and project-based approach allow students to try and make mistakes in their learning.

Con: Her love of Quidditch might soften her disciplinarian skills occasionally. Or when it comes to students tormenting a teacher she simply doesn’t respect. Does not like dirty cowards. Also does not take it well when Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: There’s very little to say here.

Grade: A+, you’re the best teacher at this school.

 

  1. Pomona Sprout

Department: Herbology

Pro: Doesn’t mind getting dirty when dealing with dangerous plants. Is cheerful and fair to her students. Can handle tough and dangerous situations without much fuss. Teaching environment can make even the most shy students shine by putting them at ease while challenging them to do their best.

Con: Has been known to track mud in the Great Hall.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: When it comes to the growing mandrakes, may I suggest buying some Muggle noise blocking headphones? Or magically noise blocking earmuffs? Also, clean yourself up before you enter into the Great Hall.

Grade: A, your mandrake were a great asset to us during the Chamber of Secrets incident.

 

  1. Gilderoy Lockhart

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s written a lot of books on Defense Against the Dark Arts as well as facing against dangerous creatures and is quite charming. Girls seem to like him.

Con: Doesn’t live up to this hype once in the classroom. Students have found him incompetent and untalented as well as vain and egotistical. Is later exposed as a fraud as well as stealing stories from others before subjecting them to memory charms. Despite being DADA teacher, has proven to be utterly useless during the Chamber of Secrets crisis and is willing to let a student die to save his own skin. Hell, he even deboned a student’s broken arm after a Quidditch accident as well as ran out of the classroom during a pixie infestation. Colleagues unanimously detest him as well as students who can see past his foppish good looks. Even attempted to erase two students’ memories.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about actually studying Defense Against the Dark Arts before deciding to teach them. Also, don’t try to use students to enhance your own vanity. And stay away from broken wands. And please, don’t attempt to use magic to heal a student’s injuries, that’s Madam Pomphrey’s job and she hates you.

Grade: F, then again this job didn’t have many takers. Besides, I knew he was a fraud when I hired him because I knew some of his victims personally. I only invited him to teach just to expose him and he only took the job because Harry Potter was a student there. So having the chance to “train” another celebrity was an offer he couldn’t refuse.Luckily, since you fell on your own sword, I didn’t have to fire you. Enjoy your stay at St. Mungo’s indefinitely.

 

  1. Dolores Umbridge

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: The Ministry of Magic certainly thinks very highly of her and seems to boast a great resume. Her office seems rather well decorated. Acts like a kindly old aunt or grandmother.

Con: Her persona is only a thin veneer covering government corruption at its worst. Once at Hogwarts, she wasted no time turning the school into her own personal fiefdom and running it as a sugar-coated dictator. Forces tyrannical laws on the school to get her own way. Feels that she’s always right and wants her students to just shut up and agree with her. Has been shown to be very abusive toward any student who disagree with her even in the classroom. Speaks to students in a very condescending tone as she views them as her inferiors. Her detentions consist of them writing a sentence several times in their own blood with quills that cut into skin on the backs of their hands. In fact, she relishes in torture. Was so useless teaching her designated subject that students formed their own DADA class in the Room of Requirement as Dumbledore’s Army. Frequently interrupts people with a fake cough. Had Trelawney dismissed from her job without my authorization and later deposed and replaced me as headmaster. There she formed a Inquistorial Squad of Slytherin students as well as used the House Cup Competiton to encourage pupils to report on others. Other than that, almost all school order went to hell since most faculty and staff hated her so much. Has a hatred for centaurs, giants, Muggles, Muggle-borns, half-bloods, and others. Hates children, too. Is willing to condemn a student in the face of all justice and logic, even if it means him using underage magic in a situation she clearly set up in an attempt to silence him on a traumatizing incident he personally witnessed. Participated in an unprovoked attack on two teachers which left one of them in need of serious medical attention. Loves to inflict pain and misery on everyone she can. Has a staggering lack of empathy for victims of her cruelty. Used an Unforgivable curse on one of her students as well as threatened to use Veritiserum as well. Is utterly useless against a herd of centaurs. Is almost universally hated by both students and staff. Shows signs of being a sociopath and a sadist.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Sorry, but I highly recommend that you don’t torture the students. Also, don’t assume that your students are lying, especially if they know more about DADA and Lord Voldemort than you. Don’t anger centaurs.

Grade: F, if Cornelius Fudge didn’t make me hire her, I would’ve never had her at this school in the first place.

 

  1. Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a retired Auror and a good friend of mine so his qualifications are without question and he’s a man I can trust with students despite his eccentricities like his rampant paranoia. Expert in Charms, Transfiguration, Defensive Magic, Herbology, and Potions. Takes no slack from whiners but has a soft side as well as impresses those in his charge. Did a good demonstration on the Unforgivable Curses.

Con: Subscribes to the idea that once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Has a highly disagreeable temperament. Didn’t seem to be himself during his time at Hogwarts because he seemed to have a very large suitcase and tends to drink out of his hip flask every hour or so. Meanwhile, Snape has claimed that someone has been stealing from his ingredient stash to make polyjuice potion. Even Barty Crouch Sr. has some suspicions about him. Makes Slytherins and former Death Eaters very uneasy around him. His unconventional disciplinary methods like turning an obnoxious student into a ferret doesn’t uphold to school standards. Students might be learning the wrong lesson from him.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t use Transfiguration as a punishment to students. Try to cut down on drinking. Be nice to Slytherins, even if they are Death Eater children.

Grade: C+, occasionally effective but wasn’t quite himself in the end. Wonder what lessons these kids might be learning from him.

 

  1. Remus Lupin

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is an accomplished and skilled wizard with extensive knowledge of dark creatures as well as charismatic. Is pleasant, mild-mannered, and scholarly figure who genuinely cares about the children under his care and is generally-well liked. Was very great with the dementor attacks by calming down utterly traumatized children with chocolate and medicine. Is unfailingly kind and considerate toward everyone as well as somewhat saner than many of his colleagues. Very accessible to his students and actually teaches them what they need to know.

Con: Has a tendency to fall ill and be absent from class during the full moon, which has caused a lot of suspicion. Was willing to help an escaped fugitive on school grounds (who turned out to be innocent, but still). And can be a real monster whenever he forgets to take his medication.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps subjecting your students and their parents to a werewolf awareness class might help explain you monthly absences. If only the Ministry would allow it.

Grade: A, if it weren’t for Snape outing you as a werewolf and the concerned parents freaking out, I would’ve kept you on. Seriously, your departure was a big loss for our school since you’re the best DADA teacher we’ve had in a long time.

 

  1. Fillius Flitwick

Department: Charms

Pro: Is one of the nicest teachers as well as cheerful and fair to his students. Great with spells and was once a dueling champion. Even teaches the school choir in his spare time. Gentle demeanor and fierce abilities combine to create a positive learning environment. Also demonstrates great patience.

Con: Has a tendency being victimized by someone’s spell going awry. Classroom often filled with bangs, explosions, and other frightening results of miscast spells.Sometimes can even be sent flying across the classroom. Despite teaching for a long time, does not consider that Ravenclaw’s diadem was in the Room of Requirement for years. Also teaching the front doors to recognize Sirius Black and to instantly lock down if he tries to break in once more has one gaping hole. Also has altered appearance considerably since the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try to hold your ground. Other than that, I don’t know what else to recommend.

Grade: A, truly an exemplary teacher if there ever was one as well as helps that your subject is among the most important.

 

  1. Rolanda Hooch

Department: Flying

Pro: Is rather stern and impartial as well as can teach students how to fly on brooms.

Con: Spent a considerable amount of time leaving her students unsupervised which resulted in a bullying incident that wouldn’t have happened under her watch. Also expulsion for flying a broom without her permission? Really?

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Maybe try being less strict, especially since you went gaga over one student’s new Firebolt. Also, if you want to go for a pee do it between periods, not during class (especially if there are Slytherins present).

Grade: B, not bad, but you probably have an easy teaching job anyway.

 

  1. Quinirinus Quirrell

Department: Muggle Studies/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s a fine teacher while studying from books and was known to have a brilliant mind. Took a year off to get some firsthand experience. Can also be quite perfectly benevolent or so it seems. Warned staff and students about a troll in the dungeon on Halloween.

Con: Was never the same after his European travels though God only knows what went on during that time. But since he has become perpetually nervous as well as developed a stutter and nervous tics. Seems to be scared of his own students as well as his own subject and might come across as incompetent and inconfident. Snape thinks he might be after the Philosopher’s Stone in the basement. Troll was actually terrorizing a student in the girls’ bathroom. Might’ve nearly thrown a student off his broom during a Quidditch match, too. Then there’s the unicorns being slaughtered in the Forbidden Forest since he returned from his European vacation. And who knows what he has under that purple turban of his.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about building some self-esteem? Also, perhaps you can stop stuttering. And can you show me the back of your head?

Grade: C, teaching is so-so, but you should not try to expose students to danger.

 

  1. Horace Slughorn

Department: Potions

Pro: Expert enough in potions that I dragged the man out of a 15 year retirement. A Slytherin who is not obsessed with blood purity and takes more to enlightened self-interest. Is willing to help his most favored students succeed. Doesn’t bully or abuse his students which makes him quite serviceable that some students demonstrated such aptitude for the first time. Is an expert fighter and extremely talented wizard.

Con: Plays favorites with his students and singles out those who are famous or well-connected for special treatment. Can be somewhat dismissive to those who fail to catch his attention. Not so above the muggle-born prejudice though he tries to prove he’s not. Also, he once discussed the idea of horcruxes with the wrong Slytherin student. Thinks students he’s helped owes him a favor though he tends to be too lazy to take advantage of this beyond asking for free concert tickets and sweets. In addition, vicarious ambition does have a dark side.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try not to see muggle-borns as significantly less talented as their pureblood counterparts since you have had exceptional muggle born students before. Oh, and sometimes it helps to keep some lessons to yourself, especially if the student asking the question happens to be descended from Salazar Slytherin as well as has the potential to become one of the most notorious dark wizards of our time.

Grade: B-, though you are a great teacher that I had to drag out of retirement, it was worth it. However, I’m never going to let you live your horcrux explanation to Riddle down. Never.

 

  1. Firenze

Department: Divination

Pro: Never says a single harsh word to anyone. Seems more knowledgeable in his field than Trelawney at times and calls her out on her methods. Is more friendly to humans than some of his kind and in his herd. Can take some insulting comment rather well than those in his species. At least honest in acknowledging that Divination is inexact and open to interpretation, with his brand being based on stargazing.

Con: Has a view and perspective that’s hard for students to understand. Also, is the subject of disparaging comments from many parents on letting a half horse man teaching a class.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps trying to explain the centaur Divination point of view to your students might be better. Also, maybe you should do something to raise centaur awareness so parents would be more comfortable with you.

Grade: A, I was right about you being an “acceptable” replacement though Umbridge failed to get the joke.

 

16. Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures (substitute basis)

Pro: Lessons are often age appropriate and is not prone to outbursts. Also, doesn’t risks any of her limbs for the sake of creature education. Threstral lesson was good and highly informative. Even praises Hagrid on his threstral care. Liked by everyone and even trusted to treat owls. Overall is a competent teacher who makes her lessons enjoyable to students

Con: Hiring her to teach the subject permanently with Hagrid wouldn’t be cheap. Also, there is some worth in teaching about more dangerous creatures though it’s generally not advisable. And she smokes a pipe in front of the kids.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Can’t think of anything save perhaps quitting smoking. Really doesn’t set a great example to the students.

Grade: A-, sorry we can’t hire you on a permanent basis, but it’s just on in our budget. Besides, Hagrid only earns a gamekeeper’s salary anyway.

 

17. Silvanus Kettleburn

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Had great affection from the staff and students during his career. Displayed great enthusiasm for his subject. Also active in student theater.

Con: Is an occasionally reckless man whose great love of the dangerous magical creatures he studied and looked after often resulted in serious injuries not only to himself but also to others. Is prone to underestimating the risks involved to caring for creatures such as Occamys, Grindylows and Fire Crabs. This led to no fewer than 62 probation periods, a record that still stands. Once set off a major fire in the Great Hall after enchanting an Ashwinder to play the Worm in “The Fountain of Fair Fortune.” Also, visits dragon sanctuaries in his spare time.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps you can practice safety in your lessons because if you keep up with this, you might finish your career with an arm and half a leg. And those wooden prosthetics I gave you don’t come cheap, which you keep having set on fire during your visits to dragon sanctuaries.

Grade: C-, all your lessons should come with a public safety disclaimer like “Don’t Try this at Home.” Also, you might want to consider retiring before you end up killing yourself.

 

18. Irma Pince

Department: Library

Pro: Apparently, shows dedication to her job and does not take damaged books lightly.

Con: Has been known to be unpleasant to the students, especially if they’ve either brought food in the library or doodled in the books. One incidence had her yelling at two students as well as enchanting their things to chase them out as well as whack them over their heads repeatedly as they ran. Has placed dozens of curses on the books should they be mistreated, stolen, or vandalized. I myself even made such mistake by doodling in one and found the book trying to beat me on the head. But I still can’t guarantee whether I gotten off all the curses of Quidditch Through the Ages future readers might be holding. Has been very unhelpful to students and tends to scream at them.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Though I’m aware of library policies, perhaps you should at least loosen up a bit because students are scared to death of you. Also remember students aren’t the only ones who read your precious library books.

Grade: B-, while I have to admire your dedication, you have some major personality issues.

 

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Walkerville Elementary School PTA’s Petition to Fire Ms. Frizzle

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TO: Principal Julius Ruhle

FROM: The Parent Teacher Organization of Walkerville Elementary School

SUBJECT: Petition to Fire Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle

Dear Mr. Ruhle:

In response numerous complaints from parents, teachers, and staff of Walkerville Elementary School, the Parent Teacher Organization has decided to issue a petition regarding the immediate dismissal of fourth grade teacher Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle. And we have received the necessary number of signatures all across the area to send this petition on your desk.

Now we are well aware that Ms. Frizzle is a very popular teacher among her students as well as described as intelligent, kind, happy, funny, supportive, loving, and somewhat motherly. She’s also known to be rather enthusiastic about scientific subjects according to her outlandish fashion sense. We’re well aware that she’s very good at her job and her students’ test scores reflect that her teaching methods are very effective. Normally a teacher like her would receive awards for her accomplishments. But she has also attracted a considerable amount of envy and scorn from the other faculty members whose students lack the enthusiasm and grades than those in Frizzle’s class. And it doesn’t help that her students’ high test scores have basically given her job security while other teachers have to struggle reaching out to their students. In short, while Ms. Frizzle has proven to be an effective and much loved instructor, she has made life for the other faculty members at Walkerville Elementary more difficult as well as a living hell. However, her effectiveness in the classroom is more of a source of complaint only among her colleagues than anything.

We are all aware that Ms. Frizzle is a rather strange and possibly completely nuts. However, it has come to our attention that she has behaved in a way that’s unbecoming of a public school teacher as well as possess a certain regard for school policy. Among her violations, these consist of:

  1. Failure to Enforce Dress Code Policies: It comes to our attention that two of Ms. Frizzle’s students have repeatedly violated school dress code policies which she has failed to discipline. This consists of a boy who always wears his hat in class and never removes it and a girl who wears a long sweatshirt and tights (as well as nothing else over these tights as far as we know). School policy dictates that hats are prohibited inside the building at all times while tights aren’t considered pants at all.
  2. Failure to Conform to Pet Policies: Though classrooms are allowed to keep pets, they must be small and kept in some sort of containment like a tank or a cage. Ms. Frizzle’s class keeps a pet Jackson’s Chameleon named Liz who is always outside among her students. This makes her a walking health hazard as reptile bites can cause salmonella. Not only that, but Ms. Frizzle also takes her on field trips as well as leave her in charge of her students whenever she has to leave for a brief period acting as a substitute teacher. Then again, it’s said the Liz is no ordinary lizard.
  3. Questionable Vehicle Possession: She owns a school bus which is said to be “very unusual” and have a mind of its own in which she uses to take her students on field trips. Her students claim that it’s capable of shrinking and expanding as well as transforming itself into many kinds of items during field trips like robotic animals. In fact, it has been known to provide its passengers necessary equipment as well as transform them into animals. And whenever it shrinks, so do its passengers. It’s even capable of time travel and traveling through screens as well as a lot of other stuff. Though usually under complete control, it can also exhibit independent or even irrational behavior. One student remarked on how the bus malfunctioned with size despite Frizzle trying to repair it, disassembling itself into raw materials while scowling after having done so to several other structures (though one student did slam her fists on its hood before the incident), and becoming a bear wandering off from the class in search of food. We are unsure of the vehicle’s origin or its safety record. In fact, we’re not sure if this vehicle is even street legal, licensed, or even inspected. Okay, she has had her vehicle inspected by a mechanic but he was lousy since he did so not only while eating a peanut butter sandwich, but also insisted that the bus had to go to the junkyard to be crushed. We know better but the bus is still hard to classify.
  4. Misconduct Involving Field Trip Policies: Ms. Frizzle tends to take her students on field trips fairly often which seem more like spur of the moment decisions than anything. School policy dictates that field trips need to be planned before receiving administrative approval. And furthermore, before the trip, teachers are required to distribute permission slips to the students for their parents to sign. Ms. Frizzle has observed none of that whatsoever. Obviously, this has led to plenty of complaints from parents, particularly those who’ve had to pick up their child early. We will elaborate on the nature of these field trips later in this petition.
  5. Supervision Failures: Like we said before, Ms. Frizzle tends to put the class pet Liz in charge of the class when she has to leave for brief periods of time. A lizard does not make an adequate substitute teacher at all under any circumstances. Nevertheless, there were some incidents where she left some students alone or with the lizard for long periods of time.
  6. Sanity Issues: Ms. Frizzle may be a good teacher academically, but some of her teaching methods have led us to question her sanity. For instance, she seems see nothing wrong exposing her students to learning experiences that either puts them in danger or psychologically traumatizes them. Nor does she have any understanding of parental notification at all. When she addresses any dangers, it’s usually in rather casual manner. Therefore, we believe that she might need some psychiatric evaluation or even be put into an institution. Or a terror watch list.

As you’re well aware of, Ms. Frizzle tends to take her students on many exotic field trips pertaining to scientific topics. She also has a supply of other gadgets she takes along with her as well. While it’s apparent that these trips provide valuable educational experiences and provide no costs to taxpayers (since she always uses her bus for these), we find her field trip ideas questionable. Not in educational content mind you, but in the realms of safety and trauma inducing. We should keep in mind that Ms. Frizzle teaches third graders but her field trips present all kinds of safety hazards and content that might send them to a lifetime of therapy. Unsurprisingly, many parents have complained about these trips, especially since they seem to be otherwise impossible to execute. Some initially questioned whether these “field trips” consisted of Ms. Frizzle distributing hallucinogenic drugs to her students but it’s turned out not to be the case. In fact, her bus is either magic or just a very advanced piece of technology. We’re not sure which. Nevertheless, some of her field trip ideas consist of the following:

  1. Outer Space (went there at least 4 times. One incident had a student taking off his space helmet on Pluto which should’ve frozen him to death, instead of give him a mere chill. They also were close to a super massive star that exploded into a super nova, which also should’ve either vaporized them or crushed them to death in a black hole. Not to mention, they have been inside the sun which should’ve incinerated them on the spot just for getting close. Also, there’s the fact that Ms. Frizzle is willing to travel to places in space where NASA wouldn’t even risk sending their own astronauts to)
  2. Inside a Human Body (with the body being one of her students, no less. Another time they went inside a body of another student who was home sick {which was filmed for a Broadcast Day project} as well as one who turned orange. One incident had a student being caught on a wad of swallowed gum in the small intestine. Another had white blood cells attacking the bus. The sick student’s mother was mortified at the disturbing footage of his classmates being inside her son. And she’s a doctor out of all people)
  3. The Waterworks (yes, this might not seem unusual at first, but her idea entails the whole class to be in scuba suits as well as turned into actual water that results in them being carried through the water purification system and going back to school through the pipes leading to the girls’ bathroom)
  4. Through the Center of the Earth (which would’ve vaporized everyone at the earth’s mantle which is filled with molted magma)
  5. The Ocean (not the beach as we know it. But the actual ocean involving underwater food chains, salmon migration, coral reefs, tides, and the ocean floor. Incidents range from having kids turned into sea creatures as well as being swallowed by fish)
  6. Prehistoric Times (with one of the students leaving a fossilized footprint from the Cretaceous period as well as the class being attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Fortunately, they weren’t attacked by the large herbivores despite the fact that Ms. Frizzle allowed her students to be near and touch their babies)
  7. The Desert (where the whole class spent the night. This trip has received a lot of complaints from these students’ parents, some of whom have called the police to file a missing person’s report when their children didn’t come home from school that afternoon. The school suffered greatly in accountability because it had absolutely no idea where Ms. Frizzle and her students were at the time until the next morning. Most teachers, parents, and staff were in total emotional panic over this and were outraged that you didn’t fire Ms. Frizzle over this)
  8. Inside a Hurricane (which is dangerous enough to wipe out whole cities and kill people. One student got sucked out of the bus and fell into the ocean several hundred feet below. Luckily he only got soaked even though he should’ve gotten him severely hurt if he was alive. Nevertheless, unless it’s their job or they have nowhere else to go, we usually have a name for those who stick around during a hurricane. They’re called, “morons.”)
  9. Inside a Beehive (as worker bees, even the boys. Hive was also infiltrated by a honey hungry bear)
  10. The Power Plant (but this involved the bus turning into a dump truck where it pours and shrinks the class into the plant that leads to them traveling through the electrical system. Again they should’ve been fried when going through the electrical circuits)
  11. The Bakery (another seemingly normal field trip except that it involved a the bus malfunctioning and shrinking the students having to make the cake themselves, all the while the baker in question calls pest control complaining about moths and is called crazy. The bus and the students were also stuck in the oven during baking time before bursting out of the cake. All this with Ms. Frizzle being in the auto parts store the whole time)
  12. Inside an Underwater Volcano (which should’ve fried them for getting too close to the lava)
  13. Inside an Anthill (which the students have filmed. From an adult perspective, it’s terrifying, especially the part when the ants carried off the students one by one)
  14. The Arctic (where the bus froze and two students were stranded with it on an ice flow. Students also jumped into the water covered in blubber but there’s a strong chance at least one of them should’ve caught hypothermia)
  15. Inside a Monster Movie from 1953 (which resulted in the bus being hijacked by a military general in the film as well as at least two students being caught in a spider web. Also were attacked by a giant praying mantis as well as at least one spider. Not to mention, class fell into a spider burrow)
  16. Inside a Student’s Home Bathroom (in which they were all shrunk by Ms. Frizzle’s Porta-Shrinker before being locked in by the same student’s toddler brother, no less. Toddler also destroyed the Porta-Shrinker as well. Class had to use the materials available to build structures in order to escape from a bathroom window. One student nearly fell in the toilet during the process. Meanwhile, the toddler in question was playing with the shrunken school bus after the dog dropped it from its mouth. Also, keep in mind that this student’s mother keeps a gila monster in the sandbox as well as an alligator in the bathtub. Why they don’t call child services on this family is beyond us)
  17. The Rainforest (in South America. It’s amazing that nobody caught any tropical diseases, were chased by crocodiles or piranhas in the water, or ran into kidnappers or Colombian drug lords. In fact, they were lucky just to be caught in a stampede)
  18. Inside a Chicken and an Egg (all while you entrusted her your pet rooster Giblets who later flew the coop, idiot. One student would even be stuck in the egg as it incubated at a very fast pace until it hatched)
  19. In the City Streets (with the bus as a bear and the whole class as critters, which led it being chased by the city authorities. Not only that, but Ms. Frizzle had no control of the bus since it turned into a bear and wandered off from the class who had to search all over the city to find it)
  20. Inside a Bean Plant (with her turning one of the students into that plant in question, no less. I mean she still had her human head to prove it)
  21. Inside a Model Airplane (which crashed and resulted in two of the students having to rescue Ms. Frizzle and the rest of the class)
  22. The Sound Museum (of course, parents knew about this trip ahead of time as being overnight. However, there’s reasonable evidence that Ms. Frizzle triggered a bus breakdown deliberately so the students could stay in the haunted sound museum overnight)
  23. A World Without Recycling (where the bus basically disassembled everything, including itself with a recycling ray)
  24. Inside a Pickle Jar (which Ms. Frizzle might’ve “accidentally” got the whole class stuck in. Another time some students were almost squashed by a cucumber)
  25. On a Mountaintop (in which the bus triggered and was involved in a rockslide, intentionally)
  26. Walker Lake (where the whole class panicked over the notion of a monster eating their fellow classmate. In another incident that same student was dragged to the bottom by seaweed)
  27. At a Junkyard (a trip to this place would seem normal for Ms. Frizzle. However, a junkyard is filled with all kinds of safety hazards and is a very inappropriate place for a field trip. Still, in this place, the students built a robot that eventually went rogue. Also, witnessed a space shuttle crash through a garage roof)
  28. Inside the Bus’s Engine (in an attempt to fix it due to a mechanic’s careless mistake with his peanut butter sandwich. However, the fact that it’s internal combustion would pose a safety hazard for students)
  29. A Pond (which led to a student nearly drowning twice as well as the class being chased by a brown, hungry cat)
  30. Inside a Rotted Log (where the class narrowly avoided being stomped)
  31. Her House (in an attempt to fix her doorbell on Valentine’s Day where she invited the class to her bedroom {though nothing inappropriate happened in there}. However, the bus with all but one of the students gets stuck inside a lightbulb as well as in a circuit and a battery. Now being struck by lightning is lethal enough. But we’re amazed that these kids were in an electrical circuit and returned alive. All this without Ms. Frizzle’s supervision)

As teachers, parents, and staff of the Walkerville Elementary community, we find it amazing that Ms. Frizzle’s field trips always has everyone returning alive and in one piece. However, we must understand that these field trips show that Ms. Frizzle is completely nuts and should never be around children. Among the incidents that happened on these field trips include:

  1. Being turned into various animals like bats, salmon, bees, sea creatures, mussels, reptiles, or city critters (yes, it’s all for scientific purposes, but still)
  2. Leaving the students unsupervised on multiple trips (with one of them being in outer space)
  3. Being shrunk on multiple occasions (which leaves them encountering animals several times their size)
  4. Casually referring to mortal dangers as it was nothing more than a usual safety hazard (such as looking in her insurance manual as the bus is being attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. She also seemed calm or possibly rather excited while the bus was being eaten by a tuna fish as well as when the whole class was being chased by a brown, hungry cat)
  5. Being transformed as water on two occasions.
  6. Might’ve deliberately set some “accidents” in order to use a certain situation as a field trip opportunity.
  7. Allowing a student to create a thunderstorm (which understandably got out of hand as you would expect)
  8. Entering at least two students’ bodies without any informed consent, parental or otherwise (no, she didn’t molest them. She just used their bodies for field trips with that bus of hers, which might violate their privacy)
  9. Having no qualms about doing anything to her students without any parental consent, especially when it pertains to them being constantly shrunk, blasted, baked, nearly devoured, electrocuted, trampled, and other life threatening and traumatizing situations.

Nevertheless, parents who have children in Ms. Frizzle’s class are always advised to take out a living will on their behalf as well as a possible life insurance policy. Yes, we’re aware that Ms. Frizzle’s students usually survive her field trips without serious injury, but it that doesn’t mean such incidences won’t happen in the future. The last thing our school needs is a lawsuit from the parents, especially if it pertains to personal injury or wrongful death. Unsurprisingly, we tend to see Ms. Frizzle as a big liability and as you know, our school budget simply can’t afford to accommodate litigation and settlement costs, especially if they pertain to her field trips. Such financial constraints have made us increasingly nervous any time Ms. Frizzle and her students go on a field trip on that magical bus. And we all know how many politicians are happy to cut funding to education, particularly during bad economic times. We see nothing wrong with teaching children science. In fact, we strongly believe that science should be included in our education curriculum since it’s important kids learn about our natural world. It’s just that we don’t think giving students an adequate science education is worth putting them in dangerous situations like Ms. Frizzle does which we believe just goes way too far.

We also have to be aware that while Ms. Frizzle’s students may excel academically, they also run a severe risk of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now there’s nothing wrong with exposing children to science but most teachers prefer that students learn through textbooks and documentaries for a reason. Ms. Frizzle, on the other hand, exposes her students to life-threatening as well as nightmare inducing situations. As far as we know, she doesn’t seem to take into account whether her teaching methods jeopardize her students’ safety or scar them for life. And it’s no surprise that many of her former students have sought intensive psychotherapy. Some of have even attracted academic interest from plenty of experts as well when it comes to assessing the potential psychological damage. The bespectacled red haired boy in Ms. Frizzle’s current class will certainly make a fascinating addition to that bunch after he’s done with her.

Thus, as the faculty, staff, and parents of Walkerville Elementary, we are absolutely convinced that despite her effectiveness, Ms. Frizzle is significantly unfit to teach at this school. Her disrespect for school policies, dangerous teaching methods, casual irresponsibility toward her students, and questionable sanity have made a huge liability for the school that we strongly urge her dismissal from Walkerville Elementary School immediately. She may have a loveable personality and sound academic credentials but she’s literally insane that no sane parent would want their kids anywhere near her. We know such measure might hurt Walkerville Elementary School academically as well as be unpopular among the students. But we insist that this school can’t deal with the unfortunate implications of keeping her here, especially when it pertains to putting students’ well-being at a significant risk in the name of education. She simply can’t be trusted with children and the records show this. If not, then the faculty and staff may have no choice but to go on strike as some parents might consider sending their kids elsewhere. Therefore, Mr. Ruhle, we strongly advocate that you get rid of this woman before she causes any further damage.

Sincerely,

The Walkerville Elementary School Parent Teacher Association

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Bad Movie Teachers

Back to school season is upon us with parents and kids across the country scrambling for school supplies and clothes. I thought I would commemorate this occasion by doing a post on movie teachers since I can’t really find any pictures of tacky back to school stuff. Now we all are familiar with the inspirational movie teacher who makes a positive difference in his or her students’ lives as well as helps them rise up from humble circumstances. Unfortunately, these aren’t the kind of teachers I won’t be talking about. Still, a lot of us have had bad teachers at some point in our lives because even in the teaching profession, there always has to be someone who sucks at their job. And like in real life, movies have a lot of these from the downright abusive to the downright incompetent, sometimes both. So without further adieu, here is a list of movie teachers that you don’t want to have. Also, this includes principals and coaches.

1. Michel Delassalle

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From: Diabolique

The Problem: To make a long story short, he’s just an uncaring administrator who does a terrible job running his run-down, crumbling school. The grounds seem like they haven’t been tended in weeks while the teachers are incompetent time-servers while the kids smoke and harass the staff. Such terrible education environment may be excusable at a public school at an inner city neighborhood where all the kids come from families poorer than hen shit while the teachers are just too frustrated to care anymore. However, Delassalle runs a private European boarding school associated with the finest a continental education can offer whose students come from more affluent families. Not only that but Delassalle mistreats his wife and openly cheats on her with another faculty member. Yet, even this doesn’t stop the two women who are supposed to love him to get together in plotting his demise (well, seemingly at first). He’s such a terrible principal that everything at that school could only seemingly get better if he’d only disappeared, but it gets much worse.

2. Mr. Jonas

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From: How Green Was My Valley

The Problem: Let’s just say while there are the kind of inspirational teacher who’s guidance helps seemingly dead-end poor kids to achieve a better life outside the one they’re accustomed to. Unfortunately, Mr. Jonas isn’t that kind of teacher. Rather when Huw Morgan earns the right to attend his school since his scholastic abilities could be his ticket out of his dead-end Welsh mining town, he soon has the misfortune of being in Mr. Jonas’ class. Now like a lot of teachers in the Victorian Era, Mr. Jonas is a sadistic uncaring fop whose disciplinary methods basically consist of caning students to the bone. When he’s not employing corporal punishments to Huw, he’s berating him for being poor and Welsh. Sure he gets beat up by a couple of village miners but because of him, Huw has no interest to continue his education and opts for child labor in the village mine alongside his father and oldest brother who both end up dead by the film’s conclusion. Thanks to the sadistic Mr. Jonas sapping his interest to better himself, young Huw is destined for either an early death or a lifetime of respiratory disease.

3. Dolores Umbridge

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From: The Harry Potter films

The Problem: Sure she may appear as someone’s kindly aunt or grandmother who dresses in pink and decorates her office with adorable cats. Yet, be warned that she’s a vicious and ruthless woman who’s basically one of the more realistic and universally despised villains in the whole series. For one, Umbridge not only teaches a subject she’s undeniably unqualified for such as Defense Against the Dark Arts which leads to Harry and his friends teaching the subject themselves under cover of night. Second, she’s willing to punish students for simply talking out of turn and disagreeing with her. And she tends to employ rather sadistic torture methods she employes with glee such as making Harry write “I must not tell lies” with a blood quill that creates a permanent scar on his hand. Third, she uses her other job with the Ministry of Magic to turn Hogwarts into her personal totalitarian fiefdom and inflicting tyrannical laws to get her own way yet engages in activities that are considered illegal and unforgivable even by Ministry standards. Let’s just say the only way you can deal with is put her in a situation where her connections won’t help her like in a herd of centaurs.

4. Miss Jean Brodie

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From: The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie

The Problem: Though you’d more or less remember Dame Maggie Smith as the stern but ultimately competent and caring Professor Minerva McGonagall in the Harry Potter series, but don’t expect her to be anything like this in her Oscar-winning role as Miss Brodie. Now as teacher of the Marcia Blaine School, Miss Brodie has less interest in encouraging her students to think for themselves and challenge the status quo (despite what she says) or actual teaching than creating her own self-centered personality cult as well as acting out her delusions of grandeur by devoting her class time with talking way too much about her personal life and romanticizing fascist leaders like Benito Mussolini and Francisco Franco. She also tends to singles out a few of her pupils she calls “la creme de la creme” whose ambitions for them basically involve using them to vicariously fulfill her own psychological needs whether it’s pimping one of them for the art teacher or manipulating another into running away to fight for Franco (which gets her killed). Sure she may be a rebellious teacher at a conservative school but she has no moral compass whatsoever and shows absolutely no remorse for her irresponsible actions. Luckily thanks to Sandy betraying her to the Miss Mackay and the Board of Governors, she’s fired but her influence will have damaging effects to many of her girls in their adult lives such as disillusionment, especially since she never taught her students about pain and loss. To all principals everywhere, avoid hiring a teacher who says, “Little girls, I am in the business of putting old heads on young shoulders, and all my pupils are the crème de la crème. Give me a girl at an impressionable age, and she is mine for life.”

5. Dr. Henry Walton Jones Jr. Ph.D. (a.k.a. Indiana Jones)

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From: The Indiana Jones series

The Problem: Sure Indy is one heck of a badass who travels the globe collecting valuable treasures that belong in a museum and kicking Nazi butt. Yet, let’s face it, how Indy manages to hold on to his job as a professor of archaeology is beyond us even if he gets a good allowance for fieldwork but even teachers don’t get that much time off in real life. Even so, he always seems to bust out on an adventure before the semester is over without giving his students any notice. Still, while Indiana Jones has inspired many people into becoming archaeologists even though those in the field might question Marshall College’s prestige in its Archaeology Department since Indy basically sucks at his job. He not only neglects his students while hunting for artifacts, shows very disrespectful behavior toward other cultures, destroying ancient buildings for gold trinkets, using no documentation at his finds, as well as doing things that archaeologists are actually supposed to do. Sure he may say, “Archaeology is about facts. Not truth. If it’s truth you’re interested in, Dr. Tyree’s philosophy class is down the hall. …Forget any ideas you’ve got about lost cities, exotic travel and digging up the world. We do not follow maps to buried treasure, and X never, ever marks the spot.”  Yet, this is what he basically does as far as we know, which sort of hurts his credibility. A lot of the stuff Indy does in the movies would actually get a guy in his field fired as evidenced in this article where he’s denied tenure: <www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/back-from-yet-another-globetrotting-adventure-indiana-jones-checks-his-mail-and-discovers-that-his-bid-for-tenure-has-been-denied>

6. Professor Dave Jennings

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From: Animal House

The Problem: While a lot of bad movie teachers’ list have Dean Wormer for being one mean son of a bitch who undertakes extraordinary measures to shut down a notorious frat house, his actions at the Delta Tau Chi House are pretty justifiable. I mean if a bunch of frat boys killed a horse in your office, you’d probably try doing the same if you were in his place. Still, at least he’s trying to do his job and he’s also under pressure from the town’s mayor. Disenchanted English Professor Jennings, on the other hand, should be fired since his behavior is far more objectionable for a man in his profession. Not only does he lecture his kids on radical politics instead of what he’s supposed to teach, he hangs out at their frat parties smoking joints with them as well as seduces their girlfriends. Sure he may play up as a cool hippie teacher but he’s really nothing but a worthless piece of shit.

7. Gilderoy Lockhart

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From: The Harry Potter films

The Problem: I know Severus Snape gets on many lists for worst movie teacher yet at least he has some concern about his students as well as actually quite competent even if he’s rather unpleasant in the classroom and outright loathes one particular student just simply because he’s the offspring of a man he hates and a girl he had a crush on during his teenage years. Hey, he may have killed Dumbledore, but at least he’s not known for endangering students’ lives (though it’s kind of expected at Hogwarts), which says a lot. I know Sybil Trelawney may suck as a Divination teacher sometimes but at least she tries her best and has a legitimate reason to be there. On the other hand, Lockhart views his job as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher as a way to boost his enormous narcissistic ego as a wizarding celebrity famous for defeating various magical creatures like yetis, banshees, werewolves, and trolls which he chronicled in his books. Seems like a perfect person to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, right? Wrong, he’s an utter incompetent and untalented as shown by how he leaves his second year students deal with a release of a cage full of Cornish Pixies. Also, he actually claimed other people’s exploits as his own as well as erased their memories so they wouldn’t sue. And if you’re a certain celebrity second year student known for surviving a deadly curse from the Dark Lord, then expect to have to spend your detentions having to answer his fan mail, having your bones removed after a Quidditch match, and almost having him wipe out you and your best friend’s memories when you go to the Chamber of Secrets to save the aforementioned friend’s sister. Luckily Ron’s broken wand puts Lockhart into Saint Mungo’s as a permanent resident and is replaced by a more competent Defense Against the Dark Arts professor who actually has some experience with werewolves.

8. Miss Agatha Trunchbull

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From: Matilda

The Problem: Only in the Roald Dahl universe could we have a principal like Miss Trunchbull whose sadistic antics could turn her domain into an elementary school and G-Rated version of The Shawshank Redemption. She openly dislikes and disciplines her students over relatively minor offenses (if they’re offenses at all) so she could terrorize them with her assortment of creative torture methods. Come to school in pigtails? Get thrown over a the fence. Get caught for stealing food from the kitchen? Be forced to eat a giant chocolate cake by yourself in front of the whole student body and have those peers stay 5 hours after school for cheering you on. And for offenses that would give you a verbal reprimand or a half hour of detention at recess, she has kids stand in for “the chokey” which is an improvised iron maiden bound to send any grade school child into a lifetime of therapy. Other crimes include killing her own brother-in-law, stealing all his assets from her 5-year old niece, and abusing her well into adulthood. Why no parents complain about their child’s grades suffering over the fact that they go to a school headed by someone who belongs in a maximum security prison, we’ll never know.

9. Mr. Jasper Woodcock

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From: Mr. Woodcock

The Problem: Gym teachers in movies are usually not portrayed in a good light and Mr. Woodcock is no exception. Yet, this guy is a sadistic, humorless, and militaristic middle school gym teacher who takes the cake in making boys’ gym shorts brown as well as forever diminished self-confidence that leads to a career writing touchy-feely self-help books. In his class, you will run laps as well as suffer vicious humiliation leading to a lifetime of therapy and medication. Woodcock would bully the weakest, plumpest, and least coordinated boys in the class as well as subject them to all sorts of antics like making an asthmatic kid run laps and whacking kids in the groin with a whiffleball bat. Let’s just say, seeing him dating your mom would be one of your worst nightmares. At least if you like her. Out of all the sadistic and abusive gym teachers in movies, Mr. Woodcock just tops them all.

10. Mr. Kitano

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From: Battle Royale

The Problem: We all know that teaching can sometimes be a frustrating and thankless job. Kids will not always be eager to learn and there will be some who misbehave. Yet, teaming up with your dystopian government to send his entire class on a field trip on an island to reenact The Hunger Games is not at all a good idea. In fact, it will give you a life sentence at a maximum security prison or looney bin if you’re lucky to live in a place that doesn’t have the death penalty. Yet, this is exactly what Kitano does as well as throw a knife straight at a girl in the chest for whispering during his lecture, outfitting all his former students with exploding dog collars, and others. There are safer ways to express your teaching frustrations like therapy.

11. Dean Ed Rooney

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From: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

The Problem: Look, I know that truancy isn’t a good thing for a student to do and makes the school look bad. Yet, Rooney’s single minded-pursuit of a notorious truant is certainly inexcusable for any school administrator. Rooney’s hunting down Ferris has more to do with personal vendetta than actually about giving him an education. Rooney is basically Captain Ahab as a school administrator willing to let his obsession of giving a truant what he deserves that he’s willing to break into a Ferris’ house, attacks the Buellers’ dog, and completely neglects his duties as a school administrator. Sure Rooney does have every right to be concerned about Ferris skipping school nine times as well as that nobody else seems to hold him accountable. And yes, it’s Rooney’s job to enforce school regulations, especially when it comes to a student skipping school nine times as well as hacking into a computer to erase his records. But trying to enforce school regulations while being completely absent from school property and neglecting other responsibilities is taking things way too far. Ferris is only one of the hundreds of students under Rooney’s charge and devoting all his time and energy on punishing is not how a principal is supposed to act. Rooney should’ve either just hired a truant officer or at least notify Mr. and Mrs. Bueller about their son’s skipping behavior.

12. Mr. Michael “Tiger” Magrew

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From: Pretty Maids All in a Row

The Problem: Sure he may seem like the greatest teacher in the world at his Venice, CA high school. As a faculty adviser and head of coach of its football team, he’s a warm and charming man who always has an open door policy at his office and will give you private lessons on the side just because he cares. Seems like a perfect teacher, right? Wrong, despite his Rock Hudson portrayal, he’s creep who abuses his power by cheating on his wife with a long line of female students. And he sees absolutely nothing wrong with teacher/student relationships and even helps a male student put the moves on a hot young substitute teacher. Just when you think he can’t get any worse, he has taken to killing many of his underage bedmates to keep his affairs secrets and quietly dumps their bodies around campus. A true serial killer in the education system, Mr. Magrew is a teacher from hell you’d want to avoid.

13. Erika Kohut

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From: The Piano Teacher

The Problem: She’s practically a package of everything you wouldn’t want for a teacher. A passionless and frigid monster at Vienna music conservatory, Erika openly berates her students for not playing with enough emotion even though she has the emotional range of a vacuum cleaner. Yet, she’s also prone to insulting them with no helpful input at times as well as occasionally puts broken glass in their coat pockets when they’re not looking. In her private life, she’s basically a female version of Christian Grey, but not in a good way such as a controlling and psychologically messed up human being who gives S&M a bad name. Not only that, but she has an unhealthy relationship with her mother, engages in voyeurism and public urination, and has a romantic attachment to a seventeen-year-old boy. Let’s just say, you don’t want this messed up lady in a classroom or in your life for that matter.

14. Richard “Dick” Vernon

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From: The Breakfast Club

The Problem: Sure I know that being a principal is a stressful job but Vernon really takes it overboard. For one, he has five teenagers serve detention in the school library on a Saturday, orders them not to speak or move in their seats, and makes them write an essay. Second, he treats his students like garbage, verbally haranguing them every chance he gets. If it’s a student he particularly despises named Bender, then expect Vernon to assign him two months detention for talking back as well as locking him in a closet and physically threatening him. Of course, he did want an easy job where children respected him but perhaps he should seek another kind of work because school principal is anything but an easy job and lashing your frustrations against a few teenagers isn’t going to earn you any respect.

15. Mr. Jim McAllister

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From: Election

The Problem: Now I know it’s okay to be upset that his best friend got fired for having affair with a student. And it’s perfectly fine for him to dislike the girl who wrecked his friend’s life apart. Yet, even if Tracy Flick is an unbearable overachiever with a taste for older men, none of that gives Mr. McAllister any acceptable reason to rig a student election that would deny her a rightful place on student government. Sure she may be a lascivious teenage monster in her youth but what Mr. McAllister has to understand is that Dave could’ve chosen not to commit statutory rape and has pretty much nobody to blame for wrecking his life but himself. Nevertheless, rigging a student government election out of pure spite is outright deception unbecoming of any educator. Still, as an adult he should know better and his conduct won’t make the kids respect him anymore, especially if he catches them doing something out of spite. Also, he apparently sees no problem with ditching his class midday to hook up with Dave’s ex-wife while he’s still married.

16. Mr. Trevor Garfield

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From 187

The Problem: Samuel L. Jackson is known for playing a badass but unfortunately what works in Pulp Fiction doesn’t necessarily translate well in the classroom. Sure he may have a thing for “an eye for an eye” tactics after being violently attacked by a rebellious student but that doesn’t mean he should practice them on his students even if they are a bunch of little shits. I mean tranquilizing a teen with a bow and arrow and cutting off his finger is a serious breach of ethics in the classroom as well as playing the all too real game of Russian roulette. Seriously, he may say these activities are in the best interests of the “good” students at his school though any teenager with half a brain would be wise to skip his class. Even worse is that he’s depicted as a good guy in this movie despite bringing a gun into the classroom.

17. Kitty Farmer

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From: Donnie Darko

The Problem: You think an educator who actually has kids would be someone you’d want around your children right?  For someone who says to her students, “OK. Now, girls. I want you to concentrate. Failure is not an option. And Bethany? If you feel the need to vomit up there, just swallow it,” you might want to reconsider. Kitty Farmer’s students think she’s a clueless nuisance. Yet, in reality she’s basically the closest thing you can get to having Sarah Palin in the classroom, an ignorant and judgmental woman who lets her cheerily ultra right wing rhetoric rule her world. She’s prone to merrily denouncing what’s right and wrong with no gray area in between, lobbying to ban books she can’t fully understand, and fully supporting a guy who later turns out to be a pedophile to fill in as a counselor to her classes. Now this is the movie famous for having a pedophile played by Patrick Swayze and a skeleton masked doomsday rabbit who seem pretty tame by comparison alongside her.

18. Dan Dunne

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From: Half-Nelson

The Problem: You’d think someone played by Ryan Gosling would make a great teacher  since he’s quite easy on the eyes. Well, at an inner city middle school in Brooklyn it certainly appears to the be case for the 20 something teacher at first. On the surface, he’s an idealistic and smart teacher known to give inspiring lectures as well as eschewing the school curriculum in favor of dialectics. Oh, and he does a great job reaching out to his students by teaching them on how to interpret historicity as well as helping to give each of his kids a powerful analytical voice. So Dunne’s pretty awesome right? Well, unfortunately he’s a addicted to crack who gets caught getting high in a bathroom stall by one of his players from the girls basketball team. Sure they strike a friendship but he only heads deeper into addiction that he shows up to class hung over in front of his students as well as grows more cynical about his ability to shape his students’ minds. Oh, and he orders the aforementioned girl to deliver crack to him at a seedy motel, basically setting her up for expulsion and poverty-filled future. Yeah, maybe a 20 something crack addict doesn’t belong in the classroom, especially at an inner city middle school. Perhaps Dan Dunne should’ve worked for Wall Street, since he’s probably the biggest hypocrite on Red Ribbon Week.

19. Mrs. Sheba Hart

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From: Notes on a Scandal

The Problem: Well, despite being played by Cate Blanchett, she’s not the brightest bulb in the patch. For one, she’s having an affair with one of her 15 year old students. Second, she’s being emotionally manipulated by co-teacher Barbara Covett who’s blackmailing her into sharing intimate details of that said affair. Third, Covett is a lesbian who has a habit of seducing young female teachers and thinks that being Hart’s friend would make her fall in love with her. Of course, Covett is destined for the friend zone since Hart is straight, married with kids, and doesn’t seem to go for anyone over 50. Oh, and she chronicles her whole affair with student in an obsessively detailed journal. Sure Covett may be a manipulative bitch but being a 50+ lesbian who seduces young teachers is much safer around the kiddos than one who commits statutory rape with a 15 year old boy, sees nothing wrong with it, and has no common sense. I mean having sex with a minor is one thing, but discussing the matter with a colleague who wants to get in your pants is just plain dumb. I mean this is how teachers like her get fired and sent to jail dumb.

20. Reverend Henry Brocklehurst

David-Torrence-as-Mr-Brocklehurst

From: Jane Eyre

The Problem: Let’s just say he’s one of the worst principals in all of 19th century literature as well as in film. If you think Jane had it rough with her awful relatives, then it gets much worse during her days at Lowood which is pretty much a charity boarding school for poor and orphaned children. Yet, it’s also one of horrors mostly because it’s run by this man. While Delassale keeps his boarding school accommodations in terrible shape due to neglect, Mr. Brocklehurst runs his charity almost to human rights disaster area mostly because he views these girls as outright garbage. Cold rooms, thin clothing, and terrible food lead to a typhus epidemic that kills a lot of girls at Lowood. Meanwhile, he and his family live comfortably well off which makes you wonder if he’s squandering money from his donors. His punishments also border around child abuse as well. Accidentally break a slate? Well, he’ll have you stand on a stool, call you a liar, and shame you before the whole student body. Can’t straighten your naturally curly hair? Well, he order you to get a haircut since he thinks it’s such a horrific sin. Oh, and he’s a minister to boot which makes him even more of a hypocrite. Brocklehurst’s fate varies by the adaptation but in the book, he actually gets fired. Apparently the Brocklehurst was too cruel of a principal for the 19th century, even in a school for poor orphaned girls! And remember from your Dickens novels that this is a time when adults could treat any poor kid like shit and not face any legal consequences whatsoever. You can understand why Jane wanted to leave Lowood as soon as she could.