I’m sure anyone who loves the great outdoors would want to sleep on a slice of pizza with plush toppings of broccoli, mushrooms, and olives. Available on Etsy for $200.

Because who doesn’t dream about being inside a steaming hot mass of starch, sour cream, and chives. Includes butter pillow. Also available on Etsy for $200.

According the the product description, “The narwhal is an arctic-dwelling whale that has been called ”the unicorn of the sea” due to its long pointy tusk. There is debate about the true purpose of this tusk, but finally the truth is revealed! The narwhal uses its tusk to impale the cute animals of the world, specifically baby seals, baby penguins and koalas.” Includes 4 magical tusks and 3 adorable animals to impale. Not sure the koala and baby penguin is included since they usually live in the Canadian Arctic. Besides, it’s only the males sport the iconic tusks.

There’s nothing like a lung ashtray to remind the smoker in your life that they’re making themselves susceptible to respiratory disease. Perhaps stick to Nicorette gum instead.

Because shouldn’t that special someone in your life get their wine like they get their coffee? Also, box of wine is so overrated.

Because no gift says, “I found something that might help you catch up with work while you’re stuck in traffic” like this. And I’m sure it’s even worse if one receives during the office party.

These are dolls who have fantasy pets that leave magic poops. There’s at least 6 of them and each pet has a unique poop. I’m not kidding about this.

Want to play foot piano when you’re on the pot? Now you can. Even includes a songbook.

These not only let you hear music but also keep your ears warm at the same time. As if using earbuds underneath my earmuffs wasn’t a problem for me already.

From Marie Claire: “Much like photographing infants decorated with fake leaves in flowerpots, the dog moustache is just plain cruel. But hey, this type of torture only costs $10 — those photos of babies in flowerpots are way pricier.”

From Marie Claire: “Want to make your friend feel totally worthless this holiday season? Buy her a bottle of perfume…for her dog.” Costs $44. Seriously, dogs don’t need this and don’t want it either. A rawhide bone or squeaky toy is a much better choice.

From Marie Claire: “Does your giftee need a break from watching paint dry? Now she can watch butter melt…a little faster this holiday season with help from this butter warmer.”

From Marie Claire: “We’re not rushing to call PETA about this one, but something about using fish bowls as bookends rubs us the wrong way.” Yeah, like fish bowls shouldn’t be used for bookends.

Because if they can be used to absorb menstrual blood, they should be great on your feet. Excuse me, but this is just in bad taste.

I understand this is a gag gift. But would anyone want to be caught dead wearing these? Or receiving them? I think not.

You guessed it, overalls for wine bottles. Even has a pocket for a special message. As if you can’t just give the bottle with a special message already. This is stupid.

It’s the kind of pillow that allows you to nap on your desk while on the job. Might be the kind of gift that says, “I hear you don’t get enough sleep and are under a lot of stress.”

After all, who can’t resist the smell of greased up meat? Might attract unwanted attention from animals.

For nothing says minty freshness like smelling like something you ate for breakfast. Honestly, nobody wants their breath to smell like bacon.

Now you can get your morning shower and your coffee at the same time. By the way, it’s actually not a real product.

From Film Jackets: “This one will be particularly helpful for my dad. He often forgets which is the butt side and face side of a towel. My dad should love this, given that he is always paranoid by who used his towel and to whip what.”

Sure a dancing cat speaker might be cute. But c’mon, would you really want a cat dancing to your favorite songs on your mp3 device? No.

It’s a calculator that resembles a bar of chocolate. I’m sure this gift will spell disappointment for many.

The kind of gift that tells a woman that she might be sporting a mustache and should act accordingly. Guys, if you’re planning on giving this to your girlfriend, expect to be dumped.

Because why be bored on the pot when you can use it to expand your mind? Seriously, I find this kind of sick.

The kind of gift that tells the recipient that their heart is as cold as ice. Best to give enemies who have no power over you or Donald Trump.

From Neatorama: “They say Defrosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul. With a carrot nose and two eyes made out of coal. He used to call the kids to come laugh and play. Sadly, however, he melted away on some hot winter day. But don’t be sad. Rumors are he will come back some day in a very useful way. Each Defrosty The Snowman Ice Cubes set comes with re-usable ice cubes shaped like lumps of coal and bright orange carrots. They are a wonderful way to commemorate your favorite melted snowman.”

The kind of gift that’s received by the lowliest frat brother everyone makes fun of. Wearer must have great balance and high tolerance for public humiliation. Yes, this is a very dumb product, indeed.

Let a fish do the fishing for you and it’s great on land, too. This is a actually prank gift that’s making fun of the wildlife cameras they use on nature shows.

From Refinery29: “Just like certain potential partners, this candle has no chill.” Not sure what this smells like.

From Refinery29: “Shot glasses you can’t wash? You shouldn’t have!” Let’s just say if you can’t wash glasses, they’re not worth it.

The gift that not only tells someone they’re fat but also compares them to a barn animal. Talk about adding insult to injuring.

From Refinery29: “The only thing the gift of Lyfe Tea says is that you follow too many D-list celebrities on Instagram.” Also costs $55.95 as in “overpriced.”

From Refinery29: “Not sure what’s more offensive: Donald Trump himself or that someone thought this looked remotely like Donald Trump.” How about having him as president?

From Refinery29: “Which is worse? To have tangled necklaces or to keep this thing on your dresser?” Costs $58, by the way.

From Refinery29: “Look, just because a lady loves a good nap, does not make her the world’s laziest mammal who only comes out of her tree to pee.” Or eat if you put it accurately.

From Refinery29: “Tell the tot in your life that he’s as precious as a bucket of chum.” Then again, the kid does seem happy with his shark sleeping bag. But it’s pretty disturbing.

From Refinery29: “Nope. We can already spot the cutesy little jokes you’re going to make when you hand this over, and just no. Shut it down. “

From Refinery29: “Ugh. Is this going to be one of those sexist books that assume we don’t sleep with our plush Daleks every night, and have strong opinions about the de-canonization of the Star Wars Expanded Universe?”

From Refinery29: “So what if she takes three days to answer your texts and never pays you back for brunch? Holidays are a time when families come together and we all pretend we love each other.”

From Refinery29: “I told you to medium chop the onions and dice the shallots, YOU IDIOT. ” Talk about a gift for the obsessive chef.

From Refinery29: “Know what we hate worse than egg-white omelets? Watching a gaping-mawed Goldeen slurp up the yolks and barf them out into a separate bowl.”

From Refinery29: “Ladies have always known The Sharper Image was a great source for on-the-low “neck massagers.” Now, it’s guys’ turns, with this gently undulating plastic mitten.” Costs $129.

From Refinery29: “This year, give the gift that says she’s tall, kinda hairy, and it’s not wise to upset her.” Great to go with a Chewbacca mask though.

What it says from Refinery29: “‘You remind me of Santa Claus. In a good way.’ The question is, what’s more insulting – the fact someone is likening you to Father Christmas, or the fact they finds the resemblance attractive?”

What it says according to Refinery29: “‘I give you the gift of eternal daytime TV-tinged nightmares.’ (Subtext: ‘Because I hate you.’)”

As Refinery29 put it, it says: “I really think we need to get the Bates Motel vibe going on in the bathroom — then we can relive the Psycho shower scene as part of our morning routine!”

From Refinery29: “If someone you know has recently been rocked by the death of a dearly loved one, probably the best thing you can do is gift them with a reminder of their tragic loss. One that dangles darkly from their Christmas tree, inscribed with a poem that’s a heart-jabbing combination of sadness and schmaltz. What better way to cast a bitterly painful pall over the holiday season?”

From Refinery29: “This anatomically correct grandpa-baby is the stuff toddler nightmares are made of. Ed Asner, is that you?”

From Refinery29: “We love the Tria, but remember what we said about products that are best purchased for oneself? Giving this for the holidays is a heartwarming way to let your loved one know you’ve noticed their unsightly upper-lip problem — and it looks like it can only be solved by lasers.”

From Refinery29: “Finally, a festive throw full of stalker-y sentiments to curl up under while your bunny boils gently on the stove top.” Available at Sky Mall for $69.95.

From Refinery29: “Not that there’s anything wrong with a cheery, pepper-red spud sack that promises to create a ‘unique steam packet’ and delivers ‘perfect potatoes in four minutes.’ And holds up to four potatoes. And softens day-old bread, too. It’s just the type of gift that says to your recipient, ‘You look like you’d like to gorge on four potatoes and stale bread — AND QUICK.'”

From Refinery29: “Hey, giftee! Your cuticles look drier than the Sahara. Here, feed your hands to this monster with dyspepsia.”

From Refinery29: “Nothing like the one-two punch of a gift that simultaneously says, “You’re probably a financial dunce,” and “Don’t count on that 401k, kiddo.” We’d be really, really worried if we got this from our boss.”

From Cracked: “Luckily, one plucky mammary researcher is fighting the impending boobocalypse with the Kush Support Breast Separator, a piece of in-no-way-phallic plastic that can be stuck between the breasts to prevent undue contact.” Seriously, a breast separator? Does any woman need that? Thought so.

Now you can sharpen a pencil through the nostril. Guaranteed to freak out people you work or go to school with.

From Telegraph: “This isn’t a sheepskin coat, though that would probably be bad enough. No, this is a dressing gown that looks a little bit like a sheepskin coat. On the plus side, that does mean you won’t be tempted to leave the house in it.”

From the Telegraph: “Painfully, years after they first became so widely-worn, they’re still going strong. However, if you know someone who willingly wears these on their feet, there should be no reason why they’ll not happily use this to carry their phone around.”

Great for storing toothpicks and wishing ill on your enemies. Goes great with Voodoo doll pincushion.

From Film Jacket: “You can gift it to any Republican fan, and he will love it until he starts reading it. After that, I can’t guarantee anything. This is the newest rendition of “The Little Red Book” by Chairman Mao and is being termed as “The Little Bad Book” by D.J Trump.”

From Neatorama: “If you like drinks that are so strong that they’re practically poison, this is the glass for you: Polluted Glass, shaped like a ‘lil 55-gallon drum used by Evil Big Corp to dump their toxic waste.”

Because his Santa Claus only comes out once a year. Seriously, a dick Santa hat?

From Neatoshop: “Let the oil of the cobra cleanse you! The Snake Oil Soap contains real cobra oil and can help clean your skin like a magical elixir which secret is passed down from generations to generations of handwashers. Would we lie to you? ;)” Sorry, but this is probably just either regular soap or soap that has no benefits.

From Neatorama: “Do you secretly wish you were a rebel with perfectly slicked back hair? Recapture the wild youth you never had with the Switchblade Folding Pocket Comb from the NeatoShop! Pretending to be a delinquent has never been so fun!”

From Film Jacket: “And behold the gift I have chosen to give to my old man. Just to make him admit that there are not only bad but worst Christmas gifts too. Despite what the name suggests it is not a ring, it just farts as soon as you open it. Making you feel embarrassed in front of the whole family. I have this moon ring all packed very decorously, and I will present it to him as humbly I can. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he opens it.”

From Divine Secrets of A Domestic Diva: “Do you have a guy in your life that never wants to sacrifice comfort for fashion? Does he prefer sweats to suits and you just want to see him get a little dressier from time to time? Well, wait no longer because compromise has never been more comfortable with the Traxedo! That’s right, the Traxedo is the offspring of combining the dressy look of a tux and the comfort of a track suit! Available in powder blue, red, black, green and orange!”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Turn your man’s regular bike into something that looks and sounds like a real motorcycle! The set includes 3 Turbospoke Motocards, acoustic Exhaust Pipe, 15 custom Turbospoke decals, universal fitting clamp and tools. Fits 95% of bikes with wheels over 16″ and is perfect for any guy who’s a kid at heart!”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: ” Do you know a guy who is always losing the remote? With this giant universal remote that doubles as a pillow, he’ll have a hard time misplacing it when it’s under his head!”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: ” I can’t imagine the bravery it would take to present a woman, your mother or the mother of your children no less, this exercise bike that doubles as a washing machine. Personally, the only thing I loathe more than exercising is doing the laundry. Approach this gift idea with extreme caution.”

From Slap Dash Mom: “Wow! Save $55.00! It’s ONLY $545.00! I don’t know how I will ever contain myself.” Seriously, that makes someone look like a walking tent.

From Slap Dash Mom: “For $9.69 you can give someone butts. Sweet! So maybe, just maybe, if you know someone with a really messed up and twisted sense of humor (like myself), this could be considered a good gift. I think it’s one I’d like to give to someone that really hates cats. Double Whammy!”

Because there’s nothing that brings in the spirit of the holidays like reading about what death row inmates ate just before their execution. That’s disturbing.

Now the process of civil litigation can be fun for the whole family. What more can you want?

Because why should only women receive gifts that insult their bodies? Also, resembles some tight S&M get up.

The kind of Christmas gift that would make one at a loss for words. Mostly because they couldn’t say how tacky it is.

It’s the kind of gift that says, “I knew you liked My Little Pony but wanted to say it in the most embarrassing way possible.” Yeah, I don’t think any guy would want these.

Because there’s nothing that smells so sweet like raw fish. Okay, not all sushi has raw fish or even fish, but you know what I mean. Available for women.

Yes, I know it’s from the movie and it’s a cheap imitation of Rose’s necklace. But still, jewelry that commemorates the 100th anniversary a major disaster that killed over 1,500 people isn’t romantic. It’s extremely insensitive.

From Huffington Post: “It’s a struggle to come up with a practical use for this. Unless you have some really kleptomaniacal dinner guests, we’re not sure why you need an armadillo to protect your beer.”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “I don’t even know what to say about this 1st place winner of the 2012 PBR Craft Show, so I’ll just tell you what amazon says…Give your favorite brew a manly mane of (facial?) hair with the Beard Koozie. Made from crafting fur that’s mounted to a stretchy band for maximum beer container compatibility, they feature a “mouth” opening to let a portion of the label shine through, and will instantly make you the coolest drunk at the party. I’m not sure there’s ever going to be a burlier – or funnier – way to drink a beer.”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Do you know someone who is always losing their remotes? Do they seem to just get up and walk away? Well, I’d love to see them try while they were stuck to their head! Never lose another remote! What a practical gift! Unfortunately, this is another DIY, and is not yet available in stores.”

It’s the kind of gift for him that says he smells at his crotch region even after taking a shower. Yes, not going to go well.

From Store Envy: “Spray the Bitch Away— An aromatherapy spray/ perfume for when you’re irritated, pissed off, annoyed, tired, peeved, frustrated, enraged, or have an overall bad attitude!” A good way to remind your friend about their temper and piss them off.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Let’s call a spade a spade on this one. This is entrapment. Who hasn’t had a morning where you want to sleep in and tell your toddler to go make breakfast themselves? With this automated cereal dispenser, you can pretend you toddler is a cat and they can eat what they can dispense while you sleep in.”

Because why show your pet affection when there’s a contraption that can do it for you? With this you can never touch your pets again. Okay, this is a joke.

Because your little one is never too young to stink like someone from France. Seriously, baby perfume? Why?

From NBC News: “Wicked Laser’s Spyder III is quite simply the most powerful handheld laser that you can legally own. In fact, when it was released earlier this year, references describing it as a “lightsaber” were enough to catch the attention of George Lucas’ legal team. That having been said, its 1,000 mW blue laser output is powerful enough to burn holes in plastic, flesh, eyeballs, etc. — and this brings me to my point. Nothing good can come from owning one. The only real function of the Spyder III, it seems, is to draw the attention of the police should you ever point it at someone else or at any aircraft that happens to be flying overhead.” Costs $300.

From NBC News: “Soaps, lotions and oils are old standby gifts during the holidays, but this soap helps you clean those hard to reach areas … like the ones underneath your skin. Yes indeed, that’s a real razor blade in there — and the glycerin in the soap will oxidize the metal over time. So how about a simultaneous shower and a shave with a rusty metal blade? Let’s just hope that it comes with a tetanus-fresh scent.”

From Dave Barry: “If you’re looking to give a unique gift that will definitely “make an impression,” consider coyote urine. It comes in a convenient bottle, and it has countless uses. For example, you can sprinkle some on the ground around your house or garden, and small pests, thinking that a coyote has recently urinated there, will avoid the area. On the other hand, the urine might actually attract coyotes, not to mention larger animals such as wolves and bears that are interested in eating coyotes. So you could wind up having a very exciting yard. And that’s only one of the uses of coyote urine. We frankly don’t know what the other ones are. Maybe if you got called in by the IRS for an audit, you could sprinkle it on your tax records, and maybe that would scare off the auditor. There is only one way to find out.”

From Dave Barry: “Why would you give somebody black toilet paper? To answer that question, let’s quote the Amazon Product Description: ‘Black toilet paper will make a statement in any bathroom.’ Ask yourself: Do you know anybody who would NOT want to make a statement in the bathroom? Neither do we! That’s why we think you should give black toilet paper to everybody on your holiday list. It’s that very special kind of gift that makes everyone say, ‘I can’t tell whether this has been used.'”

From Dave Barry: “This product — another scientific beauty advance from Japan — is a brassiere that you wear on your head. If we understand it correctly, it pulls your cheeks sideways, thereby eliminating those lines on the side of your nose and mouth that make you look like the old witch who gave the apple to Snow White. Of course, it seems to us that when you take the face bra off, the lines would come right back. But what do we know? We’re just a gift guide. And that’s why we recommend this product as the perfect way to send the festive holiday message: ‘You’re looking old.'”

It’s the combination of a vacuum cleaner and a riding mower. Only you use it to clean your floor. Still, God I hate vacuums.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “One time I was a guest on the Dr. Oz Show, and I told a joke about how long and lean were adjectives that once described my legs, but now it more aptly describes my breasts (true story, you can see me in the clip here starting around 1 minute in). Anyway, there’s not much I can do at this point other than roll them up like sardines and stuff them into my bra because plastic surgery isn’t an option. But now there’s a solution – and it’s less than $30! Introducing Bosom Gravity Defying Boob Glue! Now instead of stuffing them into place, only to have them fall flat moments later, I’d be able to glue those bad boys into place! As one of the reviewers said, “This is my new breast friend!” I’m going to ask for four bottles to start with because I’ve got a lot of gravity defying to do.”

Now you can make that liver destroying alcoholic stuff without the bathtub. Seriously, gin is one of the worst things for you.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Who doesn’t love a nice hoodie? If you want to give something a little snazzier than the same old gear, go for this reversible Disco deal! If you really want to jazz it up check out the matching vest, shorts and bikini top. Look out – the Holidays just got HAWT!”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “No, not baking soda, Bacon Soda. Now I love bacon as much as the next girl, maybe a little more even, but there are some things I don’t want my bacon in – like perfume/cologne, coffee, wine and soda. However, if you want to give the gift that keeps on giving, check out their bacon of the month club!”

These are bacon scented dryer sheets and includes a wall dispenser to give you a breakfast fresh scent. Okay, it’s a prank box. But just because you love the smell of bacon doesn’t mean you’d love it on your clothes.

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Does your man’s corporate day job leave you fantasizing about a tougher tatted man? Problem solved with the tattoo sleeves! Your man can sport his suit by day and these sexy tattoo sleeves by night,or maybe your Grandpa has always wanted to go a little wild. Really, who wouldn’t love this gift- and all for less than $20 (while the sale lasts!)”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “That yodeling pickle got me thinking about going “green,” so this next item shows your recipient that you love the environment just as much as you love them. And really, what doesn’t say love like a reusable cup you use during your period? I’d write more but I don’t want to spoil the details.”

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “These white bikini jeans would be a hit at the office party…talk about casual Fridays! Hot! Just do not pair with the Hot Pink Pubic Hair Dye. I’m sure it would show through and that would just be tacky.”