As I demonstrated before in my last 2 vintage Christmas card posts, people tend to gravitate toward these cards during the holidays for their cozy artwork and cutesy imagery. Yet, as I’ve also showed before, not all vintage Christmas cards are as lovely as this one above or the ones you remember. I like this image since it has a lovely candle inside a lantern along with holly berries and leaves as well as a red bow. Sure it’s kind of an image you’d expect from a Christmas card. But if I devote an entire post to the lovely vintage Christmas cards many of you may go for, then I won’t have anyone to view it. So instead again, I’ll stick to the ones that many of my older viewers would rather forget. You know ones that might make you scratch your head since they don’t make much sense. Or ones you probably didn’t know even existed. So for your reading holiday pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards from yesterday.
- “I hope your Christmas stocking will be full from top to toe.”
“So what can be in here? Switchblades? Handguns? Traps? This is going to be the best most dangerous game ever.”
2. Merry Christmas to the children who go to great lengths to see Santa.
“Kid, you’re supposed to send me a letter to the North Pole of what you want for Christmas. Not go to deliver it personally in my workshop. Also, you’ll probably freeze to death in that outfit.”
3. Frosty the Snowman would like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Okay, that has to be one of the creepiest snowmen I’ve seen. Also, why does he have shamrocks? That’s for the wrong holiday.
4. You never know what you’ll find in Santa’s sack or under his cloak.
So he has a bunch of child angels under his cloak. So what happened to these kids? Did they die? Did Santa kidnap them?
5. During the Christmas season, you’ll often find Santa answering letters in his workshop.
“Little Jimmy wants a new iPad? That’s like the 1,000th one this week. This answering letters is a pain in my ass.”
6. Bad kids this Christmas should beware of the Krampus who gives them a good beating and abduction they deserve.
However, this card doesn’t help that Krampus smacks the smallest kid while the other children seem straight from your nightmares. Wish he went after the girl in the yellow dress. She’s creepy.
7. Of course, Santa can always enjoy a good time now and then.
But dancing with a woman who’s not Mrs. Claus? That’ll probably put him in the North Pole doghouse for awhile. Bad Santa.
8. May your Christmas with friends and family make you as chummy as these clams.
To be fair, this is a British card. However, why they have standing clams looking at a ship is the question. Yeah, probably inspired by a Victorian drug trip.
9. Merry Christmas from Santa on his magic carpet ride.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Here we have Santa on a magic carpet with a jet plane in the background. Aladdin and Jasmine were in a similar situation on SNL.
10. This Christmas please make sure you mind what you’re cooking for dinner.
Because you’ll never know what kind of brown ball thing would jump at you. Yes, that goose really didn’t know what was coming to her.
11. Christmas dinner monster wishes you a merry Christmas.
Talk about your food coming to life and haunting your dreams. Really don’t want to know what that thing is.
12. “Don’t you remember when you felt like this on Christmas morning?”
What do you mean? Getting the shakes? Because this boy seems like he’s possessed by some demon or something. I mean something’s not right with him.
13. Somewhere in town Santa stops to take a smoking break.
And these boys just have to pop up to steal some of his stash behind his back. Nice, kids. what a great way to get yourselves on the naughty list.
14. Merry Christmas now enjoy this picture of a child performing a circus act with a dog riding a pig.
I really have no idea what the hell this has to do with Christmas. Yet, let’s hope the dog and pig don’t get whipped by the kid.
15. You never know what goes on in your Christmas tree.
After all, a red Christmas candle could be making out with a sugar plum for all I know. But the sugar plum will have to watch out if he doesn’t want to get burned. Still, don’t know why they thought this was a good idea.
16. On Christmas, holly always goes well with mistletoe.
And it looks like these children are about to kiss each other in a romantic embrace which isn’t age appropriate in the least. Seriously, if they wanted to do a card of holly and mistletoe making out why use kids? Couldn’t they just use 2 adults instead? That’s not right.
17. Of course, there’s always that one kid who’s cared of Santa Claus.
This is especially the case when Santa tends to resemble an old red suited dwarf from the Hobbit who’s no bigger than the kid. Yeah, I can see why that kid would freak out.
18. Children are always excited to see what Santa left for them under the tree.
But Santa better watch out for these children, especially the younger one. Because if he didn’t bring them what they wanted, that dark hair kid is sure to commit bloody murder on him.
19. Pothead wishes you compliments of the season.
Yes, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, “pothead.” And I’m sure he’ll pour boiling water on you if you piss him off. Still, wouldn’t be surprised if this card was designed by potheads though it was made before the 1960s.
20. Hope you have all the luck this Christmas.
Once again, we have offensive black stereotypes at the forefront. No, I don’t think a black maid and her daughter will have much luck. Still, racism was prevalent in this time and it shows.
21. Remember, kids, be good this Christmas or the Krampus will get you.
Even St. Nick is like, “Jesus, Krampus, you’re supposed to kidnap spoiled brats! Those are fucking babies! Not cool.”
22. Like Santa, Krampus even has his own little helpers to assist him.
Though Krampus tends to kidnap and punish naughty children on Christmas, he likes to involve his kids in the trade. For a scary guy like him, you at least have to respect that.
23. How about Krampus join you riding on your rocking horse?
Okay, I can understand why this kid can be scared since Krampus has chains. But somehow I find it hard to take seriously.
24. As we all know, once Santa makes a stop, it’s down the chimney he goes.
I don’t know about Santa’s face in this one. For some reason, he doesn’t seem like his jolly old self here. Guess the work must really get to him.
25. Instead of Santa Claus giving presents from his sack in his sleigh, how about an angel shooting present from a tank?
After shooting presents from a tank is much more efficient. Still, this just strange to me.
26. Christmas time is always one of merriment and good cheer.
However, if you belong to a group of street musicians, you might want to watch out for old ladies dumping water on you. Hate to be the drummer here.
27. “As the master of Christmas ceremonies, I declare we have ribs as the main course.”
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. See the king dub the ribs while the poultry and pigs are watching in clothes. Don’t ask me to make sense of it.
28. This Christmas, perhaps take your time to see the frog parade.
You tend to see frogs a lot in Victorian Christmas cards for some strange reason. And this consists of a frog procession. Don’t ask me why.
29. Speaking of frogs, these stretching ones wish a merry Christmas to you.
Once again, I can’t explain this. Nor do I understand why they have their legs in the air. Perhaps this is a frog aerobic session for all I know. Or did they just fall on the ice?
30. Celebrate this Christmas like a group of drunk birds this time of year.
Even the cat is like, “Man, this is fucked up.” Two of them are even passed out on their backs. Guess they must really party hard.
31. “Do you want to build a snowman?”
Of course, in Victorian times, building a snowman with your friends was one way you could freak out the neighbors. Olaf from Frozen it ain’t.
32. Aside from making toys and answering letters, sometimes Santa takes to the spinning wheel.
For some reason, not only is Santa skinny, but he also doesn’t seem to be jolly. Guess he’s pissed that he had to go on a diet and now takes spinning every time he things about food other than meal times.
33. “Susie, I have for you a new doll just what you always wanted.”
Uh, Susie, are you sure that’s Santa and not some creep with a windowless carriage? Because I have my doubts.
34. “Well! This looks good.”
Santa seems to have his eye on the sleeping girl here. Yeah, that looks very creepy if you ask me.
35. Nothing says Christmas like a couple of chickens sled riding.
Even crazier is that they have human hands. Don’t ask me why they thought it was a good idea. It was probably inspired by a Victorian acid trip.
36. Remember, kids, don’t interrupt Frosty the Snowman when he’s sleeping in.
Or else, you’ll probably end up like these kids if you disturb him. Yes, you wouldn’t want to be around Frosty when he’s angry.
37. “May Christmas time be full of pleasure/And Santa bring you many a treasure.”
From Bytes: “An extraordinarily gifted child with the brush. Is it me or does the ladder seem to not be leaning against the wall at the right angle when compared to the writing?” He better watch it if he doesn’t want to break his neck.
38. “Wishing you a right merry Christmas!”
Don’t worry, kids, the creepy clown is too busy eating to kill you at the moment. Still, don’t go near him since he’s holding a knife.
39. Some children buy Christmas cards, some make their own.
“I’ll send this one to my cousin Lucy and inside I’ll write that I hope she comes to a terrible and painful end. That’ll show her not to steal my stamp collection.”
40. These birds wish you a joyful yuletide.
Yet, as to why they’re flying in a holly wreath, I have absolutely no idea. I mean.birds fly while holly leaves have thorns on them.
41. On Christmas, treat yourself to dinner and a show.
Well, I’ve heard the expression “dinner and a show” but this is utterly ridiculous. This is especially since they each have their heads on a plate.
42. Looks like Santa decided to drop in this time of night on Christmas Eve.
However, looking at the window, I have a reasonable suspicion he showed up early because he thinks the mom is hot. Sure he may be naughty here, but it’s possible these kids will receive wonderful Christmas presents.
43. A merry Christmas to the woman who snagged Frosty the Snowman’s head.
Okay, this is messed up on so many levels. The snowman has no body yet, he’s smiling. What the hell?
44. Merry Christmas and hope you can hunt foxes from that toy horse.
I know that fox hunts are customary in England. But toy horse hunts? What?
45. On Christmas Eve, you can expect Santa to to give you presents from his large sack of toys.
However, this Santa has a very sinister grin on his face that might suggest he plans to do something terrible once he’s down the chimney. I don’t know what but I have a bad feeling about this.
46. Merry Christmas and please accept your presents dropped from the plane.
These kids receive gifts and baskets from the plane like they’re expecting relief packaging. And there’s no Santa in sight.
47. A merry Christmas from the snowman trying to keep dry.
Because it seems like he’s not enjoying the yuletide season for good reason. Guess he’ll become snow slush any time now.
48. The yam man would like to extend his Christmas greetings.
Okay, he has the head of a man. Yet, his body is all roots. Please don’t ask me. I have no idea why they thought it would make a good Christmas card.
49. For Christmas, anyone is lucky to see 2 angles on a motorcycle.
Not sure if angel robes would make great to ride a motorcycle like that. Also, don’t they have wings to use for flying? Doesn’t make sense.
50. These cats are outside this Christmas waiting to greet you.
Because nothing says Christmas like seeing cats in tall hats armed with clubs. Guess “greet” means “bet senseless to the ground.” Don’t like how this will going down.