However, since it’s an energy drink, it’s about as bad for you in this universe as in Star Trek. It’s even more harmful in Star Trek that it’s been banned from the Federation of Planets.

Of course, if you bake some treats with this mitt, you’re certain not to live long and prosper. Still, you can’t help but like this.

Here the Enterprise serves as a sushi sauce dish. Not sure about the chopsticks though. But I think they’re plastic.

This vintage is from a vineyard from 2267. Which is about over 200 years into the future.

Not sure if there are any feline fans of Star Trek. But this does have a scratch post of the Enterprise and a Klingon ship.

Wait a minute, wouldn’t they use e-mail or something more sophisticated in the future? I thought so.

Yes, I know it’s not logical to depict Spock as a cute bath toy. But hey, this is kind of adorable.

The costumes in my last post seem more convincing than this. Besides, these look pretty lame compared to what you’d see at a Trekkie convention.

Really? A Spock thong? Seriously, that’s one of the most illogical things you can put Spock’s face on. A Kirk thong would make more sense.

It’s a life size replica of Kirk’s chair. So I guess this means it must be very expensive. Probably not worth it.

Really, a Star Trek spork? This is a highly illogical dining utensil, especially if it doesn’t come in a set.

On second thought, to listen to his album you have to be out of your Vulcan mind. Even more so if you think Nimoy’s music video on the Hobbit was anything to be taken seriously. Yes, it’s that bad.

Because nothing depicts the joy of Christmas like a beloved Star Trek captain being kidnapped and changed into a mindless cyborg killing machine. Seriously, Hallmark, this is really fucked up.

Which for Vulcans is every 7 years when they mate. However, you really don’t want to be anywhere near Vulcans when they’re horny. Makes me wonder when Spock and Uhura’s first time will be like in the new movies. Well, when Spock’s going through Pon Farr, anyway.

What the hell? Seriously, why would anyone have a marshmallow dispenser. That’s ridiculous. Let alone one as a Star Trek tie-in product.

Because nothing brings out the joy of Christmas seeing Kirk and Spock saying goodbye before Spock sacrifices his life for the crew. Sure he gets better, but, Hallmark, is this an appropriate Christmas ornament? Really?

However, this is probably not real latinum and bound to leave Quark quite angry and disappointed. And this is a guy who takes his money seriously.

Not sure about having Neelix on the cover though his bad food has more to do with lack of ingredients than anything. Still, some recipes might make you feel like Alan Rickman in Galaxy Quest when he sarcastically remarks, “Just like Mummy used to make.”

So if you’re a Starfleet security officer assigned planet duty, try Red Shirt cologne. Because chances are, you’re coming back.

Yes, this exists. Not sure what makes Star Trek appropriate for a Faberge egg. But I’m sure some rich Trekkie would buy it.

The Farmer Captain Picard is especially hilarious because Sir Patrick Stewart is 75 and looks very much the same as he did then. Also, why do they have Data even age?

From The Robot’s Voice: “The host of the 23rd century version of What Not to Wear, the Andorian can help you prep for your date with Captain Kirk or give you advice on how to handle a pissy Vulcan who is experiencing Ponn
Farr. Unless he (she?) gets suffocated by some sort of pink fabric monster
first. Or could all that pink on the figure just be inflammation of some kind? Better break out the space penicillin to be sure.”

Let me be frank, I don’t think you’d be taken seriously with cufflinks like these unless you’re at a Star Trek convention. Seriously, why?

This has to be photoshopped. Otherwise, bad Spock. You’re a really dirty Vulcan man, Spock. I thought you were better than that.

Instead of “Beam me up, Scotty,” it says, “Eat me up, Scotty.” Then again, I’m sure Scotty has an appetite for pastries and whiskey.

Well, I guess I know what the strippers are wearing at a Trekkie convention. Still, these are ridiculous.

Then again, the Enterprise does resemble a pizza cutter. Still, not sure what the pizzas on the ship would look like. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Of course, you’ll never see the red putter and golf balls again after use. Still, I think this is crazy. But I’m not a fan of golf.

Because nothing brings out the spirit of Christmas than your fiancee having you fight your best friend to the death so she won’t have to marry you. Of course, it would’ve been avoided if Spock just dumped her so she could be with the guy she wants.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing a a guy in a wheelchair after he’s been paralyzed and badly injured from an explosion. I don’t know why the people at Hallmark thought this was a great idea.

For nothing says Christmas like being attacked by a creature that seems to resemble a zombie Abominable Snowman. They’re just hugging each other I promise (sarcasm).

For nothing says, “Peace on Earth” than being trapped on a planet and forced to fight a humanoid Godzilla like alien to the death against your will in a trial by combat. To be fair, this is a reason why “Arena” turns out to be an unintentionally funny episode.

For the male Starfleet captain who’s beamed in the nick of time when in an extremely dangerous situation that he only escapes after his shirt’s been ripped off his back. Dead red shirt security officers not included.

Uh, I’m not sure you’d want to see Klingons playing Monopoly. I guess the winner is the one who’s left standing or is still alive.

And let’s hope that Klingons have a very high tolerance for alcohol. Because you really don’t want to be near a bunch of Klingons if they’re drunk. Or angry. Or horny. Or partying.

Caskets come in 3 variations such as Klingon, Delta Quadrant, and United Federation of Planets. Still, I’m sure it’s going to cost much more than a normal casket would.

This was inspired by Spock’s coffin that was launched in space after he died in Wrath of Khan. Still, I’m not sure if even a die hard Trekkie would buy this or afford it.

Eggo issued these in 2009 when the first reboot Star Trek came out. Of course, let go of Spock’s Eggos or you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of a Vulcan nerve pinch.

From What Culture: “Now why wouldn’t you take a 497-year old meteorite and carve it into a Star Trek symbol, and then glue it onto a DVD case for a one-off edition of Star Trek Into Darkness on Blu-Ray? Called the Meteorite edition, with a limited edition of one, this was given away as a prize win for Total Film magazine earlier in the year. It is bonkers. Next we’ll have dinosaur bones carved into toothpicks to promote Colgate toothpaste. The meteorite itself fell in 1516 AD in the Guangxi-Zhaung province of China from the Nantan meteorite shower. It has to be the most ridiculous limited edition bonus item I’ve ever seen with a home media release. At least thankfully they didn’t do a run of a thousand of these.”

Nevertheless, they have a special Star Trek line for that. However, you can buy Earl Grey basically anywhere.

From The Robot’s Voice: “Because being seen on the beach with a metal detector wasn?t cool enough, you really need to add the Star Trek logo to the equation. Seriously, if you like Trek, you’re going to be in reasonable danger of having sand kicked in your face by some tan, toned bastard anyways during any beach trip anyways. Carrying a Star Trek metal detector with you is like carrying a sign saying “please punch me and never stop.” If this was a potential beating detector, it would never stop bleeping.”

From The Robot’s Voice: “Combining the nerdy pursuit of Star Trek LARPing with the arguably less nerdy pursuit of a murder mystery game isn?t exactly on the chocolate/peanut butter scale. Worse, since the game’s makers clearly thought all Trek fans had the emotional stability of a developmentally challenged child, it’s not even a “murder” mystery?some stupid orb from some stupid planet gets stolen, and players have to figure who did that instead. The most shameful part is the booklet (I admit I bought one)?it suggests that the character playing Worf attempt to do their own makeup.”

This looks more appropriate for a bug costume.How this came to exist is one of those great unsolved mysteries.

For nothing shows the spirit of Christmas like a space craft that’s known to turn people and aliens into mindless, killing cyborgs. Resistance is futile.

From The Robot’s Voice: “When not ripping off plots and supporting characters from Star
Trek: The Next Generation, Voyager loved patting itself on the back for everything from the half-robot broad in the spandex to the thrills that
came from Tom and B’Ellana’s domestic problems. This self-aggrandizing reached
its apex in 1997 when the series presented Trek’s first-ever CGI villain, Species 8472. Hopes were high that the creatures would become as beloved as the Borg–who were quickly brought in as the alien race’s enemies in yet another shameless grab for ratings when no one cared about the new foe. These days, Species 8472 is a reminder of the glut of poor CGI that dominated late-1990s
sci-fi. Released in a two-pack with a Harry Kim that is apparently covered in shit, the figure looks more realistic than the actual creature did. Not that that justifies its existence or anything.”

From The Robot’s Voice: “After Spock lost his brain (in the single greatest Trek episode ever written), Captain Kirk made him wear this Brain Protector Helmet which had a siren in case anyone tried to steal it. Wait, that’s not right. This is actually just a phenomenally stupid toy that some cheap-ass toymaker decided to put Spock’s name on, and another easy way to make certain you get beaten up at school. However, we?d pay 20 bucks to see Leonard Nimoy put one on.” I can’t think of any logical reason why this exists. Someone must be out of their Vulcan mind.

Guess these are for the die hard Trek fans who can’t afford to have their ashes launched into space. Still, this is ridiculous.

Said to have LED lights. However, I’m not sure why anyone would want to buy this. And it’s probably as expensive as hell.

I know I had these on another post from last year. But still, Star Trek Ninja Turtles seem as idiotic as they sound. Seriously, why?

For nothing makes Christmas more special than using a mind meld on your friend as a form of torture in an alternate universe. Yeah, I don’t know what Hallmark was thinking either.

On second thought, you’re probably better off to engage with a standard ring. Just to be on the safe side.

Yes, these are Kirk and Spock nutcrackers. But their existence tends to defy logic other than the incentive to make money that is.

Yes, it looks cool. However, it looks like you could injure your arm picking up this thing. Wonder how you’d explain that.

Well, at least in TNG, red doesn’t mean expendable. Still, I know what you’re thinking. These are ridiculous.

Don’t know about you but this looks as if Riker is seems like he’s squatting down and about to take a shit. Yeah, I know it’s hilarious.

Now hearing the Star Trek theme from you will make it known to other drivers that someone cut you in traffic. Or that you’re a jerk who likes to show off your geekyness to the world.

For those who like to imitate Picard’s commands as well as are too lazy to use a light switch. Available at Klear Gear.

While he’s logical to a fault, he only utters in lines. However, I’m sure Snoopy Kirk is bound to hump on any hot alien chick that moves.

I think it comes in a gift set. Still, looks like a chocolate roll covered in Easter M&Ms.

By the way, this isn’t a toy. It’s a collectible. Yeah, I don’t know what connection Star Trek has to trains either. A commemorative Harry Potter train set would make more sense.

As we know of Captain Kirk’s reputation with the ladies. Side effects might include contracting alien STDs or unplanned pregnancy, especially for men.

Of course, this doesn’t mean he’s going to get as much tail as Kirk on the Enterprise. But at least he’ll have some skill with a sword.

However, if you’re traveling through space, remember to never put your money in a Ferengi bank. Seriously, these guys are known for being greedy and you won’t get your money back.

From The Robot’s Voice: “Remember how Star Trek: Voyager‘s “Threshold” was recently voted by Topless Robot readers to be the stupidest sci-fi TV episode? Well, that televised groin punch also gave us this figure of Tom Paris. It’s unlikely that any Voyager fan was clamoring for a figure of a mutated version of the show’s most milquetoast character dressed in nursing scrubs, but they got it anyway. Devotees of the episode’s bullshit fish creatures will be filled with joy to learn that this toy also came with three of the baffling writer’s constructs as accessories.”

From The Robot’s Voice: “For those days when a Vulcan wants to jump from the Enterprise through a planet’s atmosphere, most certainly burning himself to a crisp, assuming the vacuum of space doesn’t make him freeze and implode first. Drugstore toy maker Ahi extended this line of parachuting figures to characters from Planet of the Apes too, which is equally baffling. Although if the PotA apes had parachute technology, they’d be even more deadly, that’s for sure.”

From The Robot’s Voice: “It?s a calculator with a picture of Captain Kirk on it. Tarting up something that is even mildly educational is unforgivable, and even a face as pretty as Bill Shatner’s can?t take away that pain.”

From The Robot’s Voice: “Don’t remember this from the movie? You obviously must have dozed off during the scene where Scotty saved the day by copying this week?s Beetle Bailey.”

From The Robot’s Voice: “Based on Star Trek: Generations’ holodeck scene in which Worf is promoted to Lieutenant Commander, this figure has everyone’s favorite ornery Klingon dressed up in 19th century nautical
attire–which is really stupid since there’s clearly no honor in looking like a jackass.”

From The Robot’s Voice: “Packaged with a CD-ROM–which ran on Windows 95 no less!–Playmates’ Starfleet Academy line of figures included what was intended to be young versions of Picard, Riker, Geordi and Worf. Each varies in degrees of dreadfulness, but La Forge tops all of them. The sick minds of Playmates’ developing staff decided that he would strut around campus in a silver codpiece. It was probably one that he engineered to do all sorts of kinky stuff to that Brahms girl in his Temporal Causality 101 class. Creepy. No wonder dude couldn’t ever get laid.”

Each character has his or her own spoon except Chekov and Sulu. For they have to share. I don’t have any logical explanation for this either.

Because nothing says summer fun like freezing and eating fruity versions of your favorite Star Trek characters. Also, the kids look kind of creepy on the packaging.

So carrying your lunch in Worf’s head that also talks. Now that’s disturbing. Wonder what sadistic bastard came up with that idea.

Guys, just because your girlfriend likes Star Trek doesn’t mean she wants to get engaged with a Star Trek ring. Better go with a standard one from a jewelry store.

Use it to make your own galactic salad. A must have for any cook in the ships mess hall.

Keep in mind the original series was made in the 1960s. Still, even by 21st century standards it looks hopelessly outdated.

Yes, it kind of looks like something you’d find in a 60s Bond film. But don’t give this to a Starfleet security officer. That’s for sure.

I don’t know about you. But to me, Spock doesn’t strike me as a cuddly guy. So this toy doesn’t make any logical sense.

Uh, did these people who made this get the idea that Vulcans don’t drink? Because it’s pretty apparent in the show.

I’m sure such a set will never be used except for display in a china closet. Knowing how some nerds tend to be collectors. Still, this is ridiculous.

Not sure if it’s bought or made by someone with too much time on their hands. Either way, it’s sure to become a fine conversation piece.

Now that just makes no logical sense. How is instant stained glass supposed to work? Or are these better known as stickies?

From Games Radar: “Based on Thy’lek Shran from the series Star Trek: Enterprise, this headwear homage will be greeted with nods of recognition by only the most stringent of Trekkies – everyone else will think you’ve just been separated from the world’s weirdest stag do. Hopefully the fleece lining can still keep you warm and cosy when all of your friends refuse to stand anywhere near you..”

From Games Radar: “Wearing a bottle containing a hand-sculpted Starfleet logo and sparkly star confetti might seem like a particularly special type of futility, but the only way to make it worse? Add an obscure Picard quote that is actually incorrect. Here you get the words “What we leave behind is as important as how we’ve lived” but Jean-Luc’s actual words (spoken in Star Trek Generations) are “What we leave behind is NOT as important as how we’ve lived” thus the point of his bald-headed wisdom has been squarely missed. Either way, you should definitely just leave this behind.”

From Games Radar: “Of all the thousands of spectacular Star Trek fan portraits that can be found for sale on the internet, this might be the least flattering and the most hideous. Even the artist himself, in listing the item, admits “this thing creeps me out”. Yes, that’s because it looks like you pieced it together from William Shatner’s actual skin.”

From Games Radar: “This translation of Shakespeare’s most notable play (here given the full title of The Tragedy of Khamlet, Son of the Emperor of Qo’noS) was conceived as an experiment to prove right Klingon Chancellor Gorkon who, in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country , stated: “You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon”. He was right. This is an experience like no other.”

Because nothing says Christmas like being buried up to your chest with adorable puff balls with voracious appetites and a fast rate of reproduction. Still, that was a fantastic episode.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Who the hell is Captain Calhoun? Well, don’t ask me because I don’t have the slightest idea either.

Apparently, Q couldn’t decide what to wear. So he decided to come as some sort of, I don’t know. Anyway, he should just go back and change.

From Games Radar: ” What’s the best function of The Enterprise? Is it its warp speed capabilities? Its transporter room? The replicator that can produce thousands of different dishes on command? No, it’s probably the way the doors go swisshh when they open and close. And now you can have that too with this probably-quite-difficult-to-set-up-with-very-little-payoff kit.”

Really a bear Kirk? On one hand, it’s cute. On the other hand, it’s tacky as hell. But I’m sure the Hamilton Collection tried to sell you this in a Sunday newspaper magazine.

Well, they have 2 of the Enterprise and one of a Klingon ship. Not sure why they don’t have one of Deep Space Nine since that’s where Quark’s bar is.

From The Robot’s Pajamas: “Ah yes, my fine collection of Next Generation spoons. No, no. We don’t use them for soup. They are to look at. They’re spoons AND photos of the Next Generation crew. A perfect match!” And I bet they’re not for eating with either.

From The Robot’s Pajamas: “Kids that love Star Trek are very likely to throw down their video game controllers and PC mouse and charge the stores en masse for plastic marbles! Marbles. Kids can’t get enough of them!”

From The Robot’s Pajamas: “Want a Star Trek coin? I don’t know what you’d do with it. It’s just a tiny coin with an image of Picard on it. That would get old fast. Well, at least it only costs $150 new.” In other words, it’s way overpriced.

From The Robot’s Pajamas: “Above is a series of photos of the TNG cast that look like they belong in a high school yearbook. I’m surprised Worf’s background isn’t a bunch of neon lasers. It’s not the most exciting series of images. And they charged $100 for it. That’s just adding insult to injury.”

However, if you’re wearing a red shirt at the time, there’s a chance you aren’t coming back. Unless you’re Scotty since he’s a main cast member.

I’m sure many of these would be seen as collectibles to display instead of used for their intended purpose. Then again, I could be wrong.

Seems like some companies will try to pass almost anything as a Star Trek promotion during the 1970s. Because this train doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Star Trek.

However, you’d have to be out of your Vulcan mind to wear them in public. Still, I find these highly illogical to tell you the truth.

I think whoever came up with this being a good idea is cuckoo. Seriously, why this exists, I can offer no logical explanation.