A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Snow Scouts Song”

Masked-kids

Inside the cave, the elder Baudelaires meet with a troop of Snow Scouts led by a man named Bruce. Yet, they’re greeted by a girl they really didn’t want to see again, Carmelita Spats. Yes, the monumental brat who you’d want to push off a mountainside. Not to mention, she’s an all around bitch who refers to many of her fellow scouts as “cakesniffers” along with the Baudelaires. And surprising to no one, she doesn’t want her former classmates to stay but Bruce intervenes since Snow Scouts are supposed to be accommodating. Anyway, these kids are on their way to Mount Fraught’s summit to celebrate False Spring and where Carmelita will be crowned False Spring Queen. Because Bruce is her actual uncle. Yet, at least Bruce lets the elder Baudelaires stay where they don fencing masks on their faces to protect against the snow gnats and conceal their identities.

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For the Snow Scouts introduction, I decided to go with “Jets Song” from West Side Story. The original version has the Jets sing about who they are and what they’re going to do to the Sharks after the big dance that night. In this version, I lengthened the spoken parts as well as have the Snow Scouts introduce themselves.

 

“Snow Scout Song”

Carmelita:
Hey, you, cakesniffers!

Bruce:
Looks like we have visitors, what are your names?

Violet:
We’re weary mountain travelers seeking shelter from the snow gnats for awhile.

Carmelita:
We shouldn’t let these cakesniffers stay, Uncle Bruce. They’ll be intruding on our Snow Scouts camping trip.

Bruce:
Now, Carmelita, remember what the Snow Scout Pledge says. We must be accommodating to our guests.

Carmelita:
Accommodating, schmommodating. When are we getting to the top of Mount Fraught so I can be crowned False Spring Queen?

Bruce:
The name’s Bruce, but you can call me Uncle Bruce, although I’m almost certainly not your real uncle. Welcome to the Snow Scouts, travelers, where all of us are meek. In fact, we’re accommodating, basic, calm…Now Snow Scouts let’s chant the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge.

Snow Scouts:
Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young and zippered – every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!

Bruce:
Wind noise.

Snow Scouts: (Whistle noise)

Klaus:
What the hell was that?

Carmelita:
Look at those cakesniffers with a coat on their heads.

Violet:
We’re meek because we don’t like people to see us.

Bruce:
Well, you’ll fit right in. Someone give these two masks. So let’s do the pledge again.

Quigley: Hold on.

When you’re a Scout
You’re a Scout all the way
From your first Snow Scout pledge
To your last dyin’ day.

When you’re a Scout,
If the shit hits the fan,
You got buddies around,
You’ve got family, man!

You’re never alone,
You’re never disconnected!
You’re home with your own:
When company’s expected,
You’re well protected!

Then you are set
With a capital S,
Which you’ll never forget
Till you grow up someday
When you’re a Scout,
You stay a Scout!

Here are your snow masks. Will keep the gnats off your face and hide your ID.

Bruce:
That’s nice, Sweater Boy, but let’s recite the pledge again.

Snow Scouts:
Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young and zippered – every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long! (Whistle Noise)

Klaus:
How can anyone be xylophone? Xenial might be a better fit since it’s synonymous with hospitable.

Bruce:
You can’t change the pledge after you printed it on a bunch of coats. Besides, it wasn’t my idea.

Violet:
What’s false spring?

Klaus:
Think it’s supposed to be a warm interval between April snowfalls in Pennsylvania.

Carmelita:
Cakesniffers, you don’t know anything.

False Spring is when it starts to get warm
Before getting real cold on the mountain again
Up on Mount Fraught we hike to celebrate
Where they crown me False Spring Queen, it’s gonna be great

Quigley:
We only crown her False Bring Queen because Bruce is her uncle.

Carmelita:
Or you’re jealous cause I’m so adorable.

Snow Scouts:
Shut up, Carmelita!

Carmelita:
Shut up, Cakeniffers!

Snow Scouts:
When you’re a Scout,
You’re the top cat in town,
You’re the gold medal kid
With the heavyweight crown!

When you’re a Scout,
You’re the swingin’est thing:
You go up to Mount Fraught
For observing False Spring

Don’t worry in here,
Of creatures hibernating
Soldier bears disappeared
While lion detectives have now migrated

We are the Scouts
In our snowflake coats
We go camping in caves
And we don’t mind the snow

We are the Scouts
Join us for story time
We eat marshmallows
Before we all say goodnight

And when it’s False Spring
We’ll arrive on the summit
We all dance and sing
Around the tall spring pole
While our queen can shove it

We are the Scouts
Yeah! And we are swell tots
Every one of us kids
Climbing up on Mount Fraught!
Climbing up!
Ever!
Mother!
Lovin’!
Fraught!
Yeah!

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