Unfortunately for the Baudelaires, this V.F.D. stands for “Volunteers Fighting Disease” a group of enthusiasts who visit Heimlich Hospital where they sing to patients and give out heart-shaped balloons. But they never offer anything physically helpful like medicine. Though on the bright side, they believe that “no news is good news” so it’s unlikely they saw the kids in the rag of lies known as The Daily Punctilio. Still, their work pretty much involves being happy all the time, even among people coughing up bile. They also call each other “brother” and “sister.” Still, their song is quite hilarious but they’re also pretty annoying that if you watch them in the TV show, whatever they sing will stick in your head.

Since I won’t even bother to use the song in these posts, I decided to go with the Chordettes’ “Mr. Sandman” since I don’t think I can do justice to the “Volunteers Fighting Disease” number. The original version revolves around a folklore figure called the Sandman to bring in a “dream” which usually revolves around a love interest. Still, it’s kind of a peppy tune from the 1950s. Anyway, I have the Volunteers Fighting Disease sing about themselves, which might be like fingernails on the chalkboard for some. Still, the cheery but overly saccharine mood this song conveys seems about right.

“We’re Volunteers Fighting Disease”

Sung by the Volunteers Fighting Disease

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

We’re Volunteers Fighting Disease (bung, bung, bung bung)
We’re always cheerful for all days a week (bung, bung, bung bung)
If someone said that we’re sad and gloomy (bung, bung, bung, bung)
We think that they’re just full of bull and hooey
We make sick folks smile
If they have nosebleeds or cough bile
So we all hope you get well soon
Please have a heart-shaped balloon

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

We see people, get them to laugh
Even when doctors must saw them in half
Night and day, we’ll always sing more
To boys with broken bones to girls with sores
We sing to sick patients
Whether with ulcers or new stents
So we all hope you get well soon
Please have a heart-shaped balloon

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

We sing to men with measles or pox
We sing to women with flu or had their jaws locked
And inhale deadly germs that hurt you
We’ll visit you with our heart-shaped balloons
We visit patients right in their beds (right in their beds)
Even when they keep us out of their heads
So we all hope you get well soon
Please have a heart-shaped balloon
So you might please, please, please, please,
Please have a heart-shaped balloon

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)