While Jerome Squalor is nice to the Baudelaires, he doesn’t believe in confrontation of any kind. Which means that he’ll go with whatever his wife Esme wants, even if her actions could harm the kids. And while he dislikes the idea of fashion in his wife’s eyes, he usually goes along with her anyway. Since he’s a walking, talking doormat, it’s fair to say that Esme abuses his position to gain access to the Baudelaires and wear the pants in the relationship. Still, Jerome is kind of a pathetic character who would’ve been much more likeable if he could just grow a pair. His self-absorbed, fashion-obsessed wife obviously doesn’t care about him (or anyone else). And he could certainly do better. Seriously, he’s rich and successful with a penthouse. I’m sure any woman would want him. Then again, his aversion to conflict really doesn’t make him good relationship material. Anyway, you can’t help feel sorry for him since Jerome’s life with Esme kind of sucks since it’s all about her.

The song I chose for him is “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago. The original version focuses on Roxie Hart’s husband Amos, who’s basically Jerome Squalor’s working class counterpart. Both men are kindhearted doormats who are married to self-absorbed blondes who care nothing for them and see them as only a means to an end. In the original version, Amos sings about how he’s often ignored by everyone around him. And I’m sure Jerome gets the same feeling on many occasions. For I had to change very little of this song.

 

 

“Mr. Cellophane” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Jerome Squalor

If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You’d notice him

If someone in the movie show
Yelled “Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!”
You’d notice him

And even without chirping like a wren
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there…

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there…

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin’ in a person’s flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You’d notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin’ in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You’d notice him

A human being’s made of more than air
With all that bulk, you’re bound to see him there
Unless that human bein’ next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who…

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there…
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
‘Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I’m there
Never even know I’m there.