The Baudelaires’ life with the Squalors is rather mixed. On the bright side, they’re back in the city where they were born and raised while Jerome takes them on outings to their favorite places like the Jules Verne Invention Museum, the Akhmatova Bookstore, and the Pincus Hospital. On the downside, the penthouse is ridiculously large with bedrooms, living rooms, dining rooms, breakfast rooms, snack rooms, standing rooms, ballrooms, kitchens, and other rooms that seemed to have no purpose at all. So it’s easy for the Baudelaires to get lost since the Squalors didn’t give them a map of the place to find their way around. In addition, despite being promised rooms that would appeal to them, things aren’t great either. Violet may have a room with a workbench but no tools to invent stuff with. Klaus’s bedroom is next to the library but the books are records of what’s in or out in the past. Definitely something a 12-year-old boy would be interested in, especially a precocious bookworm like Klaus. And Sunny’s room is no good since it’s full of soft baby toys so she can’t have fun biting things instead of dog toys and teething rings. They’re also unsettled since they don’t know what’s going on with their friends. And then there’s Esme who just sees the kids more like accessories than any kind of responsibility. She’s bored listening to how the Baudelaires are worried about the Quagmires. In fact, she’s more concerned with organizing the upcoming “In” Auction in which she’s raising money for a good cause like herself.

A song I chose for the Baudelaires’ perception of Esme would be “Killer Queen” by Queen, which was their breakthrough hit. The original version of the song is about a high-class call girl because according to songwriter Freddie Mercury, “I’m trying to say that classy people can be whores as well.” In this version, I have Violet and Klaus sing how much of a bitch Esme is, a word which here means, “a selfish and unpleasant woman with no consideration for other people and always expects others to toe the line.”

 

“Killer Queen” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
She keeps Moët et Chandon
In her pretty cabinet
‘Let them eat cake,’ she says
Just like Marie Antoinette
Rich bitch guaranteed
A vain fashion devotee
Always has an invitation
You can’t decline

Violet:
Caviar and cigarettes
Well versed in etiquette
Extraordinarily vile

Violet and Klaus:
She’s a Killer Queen
Always on the scene
A fashion crazed queen of mean
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?

Klaus:
To avoid complications
She always keeps the same address
In conversation
She speaks just like a baroness
Met a man from China
Went down to Geisha Minah
Then again incidentally
If you’re that way inclined

Violet:
Perfume came naturally from Paris
For us she couldn’t care less
Fastidious and precise

Violet and Klaus:
She’s a Killer Queen
Always on the scene
A fashion crazed queen of mean
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Violet:
Drop of a hat she’s as willing as
Playful as a pussy cat
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of tact
To absolutely drive you wild, wild..
She’s all out to get us

Violet and Klaus:
She’s a Killer Queen
Always on the scene
A fashion crazed queen of mean
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?
You wanna try…