Under Count Olaf’s guardianship, the Baudelaire children were forced to do a series of endless and difficult chores. However, one day Olaf asks the kids to make a dinner for him and his theater troupe despite that they don’t know how to cook. So they go to their neighbor, Justice Strauss’s place and make use of her vast library. The find a recipe for pasta puttanesca, buy the ingredients, and cook it to serve as a meal. But will Olaf and his troupe be pleased with their efforts? Only time will tell.

For this song I chose the “Poor, Poor Joseph” song from Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It’s an upbeat song that in the original version depicts Joseph’s jealous older brothers abducting him and throwing him in a well. Before selling him off to slavery where he ends up in Egypt. On the bright side, it leads to a hilarious cowboy number where his brothers try to explain the situation to their father Jacob. Compared to that, the ASOUE version is strangely light-hearted since it pertains to making dinner. Even if it’s for one of the most despicable villains in literature.

“Poor, Poor Orphans”

Lemony Snicket:

One day, early morn,
The Count left the poor kids a note

Told them to cook a meal
For ten in his theater troupe

Had to be ready by seven and serve it
Clean it up and stay out of Olaf’s way

Violet:
How do we accomplish this?
We don’t even know how to cook

Klaus:
We just need a cookbook
Which we really have to find
Except Count Olaf has no books of any kind

Violet:
We need one now! Else dinner won’t be made.

Lemony Snicket:
Poor, poor orphans, what’cha gonna do?
Things look bad for you, hey, what’cha gonna do?
Poor, poor orphans, what’cha gonna do?
Things look bad for you, hey, what’cha gonna do?

Justice Strauss:
Hi, kids, how you’ve been?
Is there anything you need?
Just hear to check on you
See how you’re handling your new life

Violet:
Olaf’s bringing home some friends
Wants us to make a meal we can’t

Justice Strauss:
Well, come to my house,
I’ll give you what you need
Borrow my cookbook and pay for groceries
Feel free to come by anytime

Klaus:
Thanks, for saving our asses just in time

Lemony Snicket:
There they spent the day
Preparing the Puttanesca sauce
Served it on pasta
Along with instant pudding for dessert
They meal was made by the designated time
Hopefully, Count Olaf won’t bitch and whine

Here he now comes with his freakish troupe
What a sordid group, hey, how low can he stoop?
Poor, poor children, will he be impressed?
Situation’s grave, though afraid what will be next?