It’s no question that Count Olaf is a greedy and selfish man who cares only for obtaining wealth and power as well as will go to great lengths to get what he wants. But why he goes after Baudelaire fortune when he could’ve just robbed a bank is never explained, yet he pursues them with dogged obsession. Nonetheless, once these three precocious orphans end up in his care, he wastes no time making their lives miserable by making them do a list of endless and difficult chores for his entertainment. Tall, rail thin, with a unibrow, wheezy voice, gleaming eyes, horrendously bad hygiene, and an eye on his left ankle, he is a treacherous criminal mastermind who can make the Baudelaires’ lives hell despite how they constantly thwart his plans. Still, while he may seem quite overdramatic in his portrayals by Jim Carrey and Neil Patrick Harris, do not underestimate him. Because despite being not as bright and cultured as the Baudelaires, Count Olaf is a very intelligent man who can stay ahead of the authorities and know what they’ll do in order to hunt him. In fact, he can fool even the most intelligent person around him, including their subsequent guardians. And as the series goes on, he only gets much worse.

A good song for him in The Bad Beginning would be “If I Were a Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof. In the original version, protagonist Tevye sings of how his life would be like if he was rich and complains to God about why he’s stuck to being a poor milkman with 5 daughters. However, Tevye just wants a better life where he wouldn’t have to work hard he tries to be a good Jew. Sure his aspirations are unrealistic and he knows it. But we’ve all been there. In the ASOUE version,  I have Count Olaf wish more sinister ides on how he’d spend the lavish Baudelaire fortune.

“If I Were a Rich Man” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

Dear God, three rich orphans are in my care.
I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be in debt.
But it’s no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had these brats’ fortune?

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I’d build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I’d fill my yard with shrubs and busts made in my likeness
For everyone in town to see.
And each one would make me look like a marvel
While seen as a great work or masterpiece
As if to say “Here lives a wealthy man.”

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I’ll wear some fine clothes when I leave from the theater
With a hot girl at each arm.
Enjoying nightlife to my heart’s delight.
I will be putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood I’d be.
Screaming at the servants, day and night.

The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Sullivan the Wise.
“If you please, Count Olaf…”
“Pardon me, Count Olaf…”
Posing problems that would cross a lawyer’s eyes!
And it won’t make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.
When you’re rich, they think you really know!

If I were rich, I’d have the time that I lack
To trash any critics of my plays.
And maybe scheme a plot that would kill them all.
And I’d throw grand parties with wine for my backers, several hours in a day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn’t have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
Now I need to come up with a plan,
To get these brats’ money in my hands.
And prevent them spoiling my scams? So I’d be a wealthy man…