A Series of Unfortunate Events often get its name due to all the sadness, misfortune, misery, and woe the Baudelaire children put up with in their lives since their parents died in a fire. But most of the terrible things happen to them are thanks to the actions of one man, Count Olaf. Soon after losing their parents and home, they’re sent to live with this guy as their guardian. Since their parents’ will stipulated that the kids be sent to their closest geographically living relative and Count Olaf is their third or fourth cousin 3-4 times removed. Then again, that could be a lie. I really don’t know how Mr. Poe chooses Baudelaire guardians in the books. On paper, he’s an actor with his own theater troupe. But despite having a noble title, his house is a dump, decorated with eye pictures on the walls, and has a tower the kids aren’t allowed to enter. They find Olaf himself as an unpleasant man, easily angered, and refers to the kids as “orphans” or “brats.” He only provides them with one room with one bed and makes them do pointless and difficult chores for his entertainment. And he gets worse from there.

Perhaps a good song for their first encounter could be “Consider Yourself” straight out of the 1960s musical Oliver!, which is based on the Charles Dickens novel Oliver Twist. In the original version, the Artful Dodger befriends Oliver and welcomes him into their gang of petty criminals that’s headed by a creepy man named Fagin. Sure Oliver isn’t up for a great experience with these guys. But at least it beats the workhouse in Victorian England. And the song seems quite upbeat since Oliver has no idea what he signed up for. This ASOUE version is much grimmer though we don’t get the full scope of Count Olaf’s villainy just yet.

 

“Consider Yourself” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf and the Baudelaire Orphans

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself at home
Consider yourself one of the household staff
I’ve made a long list of chores
Here’s your toothbrushes to clean the floor
Consider yourself, well in
Consider yourself a part of the furniture
There isn’t a lot to spare
Who cares?..I’ve got a bedroom upstairs!

There’s a chance you’ll see
When you clean
Some larger rats
Really nasty gnats
And mouse
While I’ll use your fortune
As a way
To foot the bill
While I have you clean my house!
Consider yourself my charge
I don’t want to have no fuss,
For after some consideration, I can state
Consider yourself
Pretty fucked.

Consider yourself…

Violet:
At home?

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself…

Klaus:
One of the cleaning staff

Count Olaf:
I’ve made a long list

Violet and Klaus:
Of chores

Count Olaf:
It’s clear…you’re…

Violet and Klaus:
Going to clean the floor

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself…

Sunny:
(subtitled baby talk) Well screwed!

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself…

Violet:
Part of the furniture

Count Olaf:
There isn’t a lot to spare

Klaus:
Who cares?
We’ve got to get out of here

Count Olaf:
Don’t ever try to be la-di-da or uppity-
Put or shut up, that’s all

Violet:
Though I can be rather handy with a rolling pin
When the landlord comes to call!

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself
My charge.
I don’t want to have no fuss

ALL:
For after some consideration we can state

Count Olaf:
Consider yourself

Baudelaires:
No!

ALL:
Pretty fucked!

Violet:
Consider ourselves at home…
Mr. Poe’s gotten it all so wrong
Consider ourselves done in…
There’s only one bed to spare

Klaus:
There’s a chance at hand
Olaf’s bad
Such a nasty man
And this shithole—
Of a house
Wish we’d live nearby
Justice Strauss
With all her books
All shelved up in her clean house!

Violet:
Consider ourselves enslaved.
He’ll always give us fuss
For after some consideration, we can state…
Consider ourselves…
Really fucked!

Violet:
Consider yourself

Sunny:
(Subtitled babble) At home.

Klaus:
He’s taken to us

Sunny:
(Subtitled babble) Like slaves

Violet:
Consider yourself

Klaus:
Done in.
He’s making us do these chores.
He wants us to go outside chopping wood
Despite that this is only June
And to repair a broken window he could’ve fixed
Oh, my God, he’s such a loon!

Violet:
Consider ourselves his slaves
We don’t want to have no fuss
For after some consideration we can state
Consider ourselves
Really fucked.

Klaus:
For after some consideration we can state
Consider ourselves…
Really fucked!

If this house should be
Right into our old neighborhood
They’d condemn it
To a lot
And he makes us to maintain
This God awful hellhole place
With the smallest brush he’s got.

Violet:
Consider ourselves at home.
Consider ourselves living with parasites.
This room only has us one bed.
And it’s infested with fleas instead.
Consider ourselves done in.
Consider ourselves with the bad furniture.
There isn’t much to spare.
Who cares?
Whatever we’ve got we share.

If it should chance to be
We should see some harder days,
With Count Olaf,
In this house
Always a chance we’ll see
Somebody to help us out.
Let’s just hope it’s Justice Strauss.

Consider ourselves his slaves.
We don’t want to have no fuss
For after some consideration we can state
Consider yourself…
Really fucked!!