Of course, the start of the NFL season marks that time of year when people watch the pro football games on TV while the more diehard fans spend loads of money on a bunch of overpriced NFL licensed crap. Yes, the NFL is perhaps the most commercially successful sports franchise in the country and it’s no wonder. But $300 for a jersey for God’s sake? That’s just highway robbery, man. Seriously, the NFL makes billions of dollars selling such shit. Not to mention, since more people watch NFL football than any other sport in the country, these games tend to be prime time for sponsors everywhere to air their new commercials whether they be for beer, food, cars, or boner pills. Actually, they’d advertise anything if they could get away with it. Nevertheless, the NFL’s commercial success in merchandise has provided so many products as well as the unlimited opportunity to make fun of them mercilessly. So I’ve decided to take full advantage of it like I did last year. Thus, I give you another collection of crazy officially licensed NFL crap to view for your reading pleasure.
- This Green Bay Packers storage box is a perfect place for your Packers gear.
Hope it goes well with the green and yellow furniture in the room. May even double as a seat on certain occasions.
2. Play your favorite Madden video games with this Dallas Cowboys controller.
Or you can just buy a regular video game system that already has the controllers with them. Makes more sense.
3. Keep your furry friend warm this winter with this New England Patriots knit pet hat.
I don’t know about you. But I don’t think you need to buy this to keep your dog warm outside. Because they already have something that keeps their head warm. It’s called fur.
4. Dress up your little girl this season with their very own Dallas Cowboys cheerleader outfit.
From Bustle: ” If you had aspirations to audition to be a DCC (Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader) but didn’t make the cut, no need to worry. You can start training your baby girl with her very own mini-version of the iconic uniform.”
5. Keep your booze with you in this handy Jacksonville Jaguars hip flask.
This handy flask is best for sneaking booze in the stadium as well as drowning your sorrows when the Jaguars lose. Of course, the latter happens quite often.
6. Ladies, keep yourself warm with this Chicago Bears reflective bomber jacket.
From Bustle: “Athleisure, sports luxe, sporty chic — whatever you want to call it, wearing sweatpants in public is a fashion movement, ladies. For attending a sports event, it makes perfect sense. Yet this quilted varsity bomber jacket highly resembles a fire retardant blanket.”
7. Ladies, proclaim your support for the New England Patriots with this Patriots Diva T-Shirt.
Now there’s something I really like to know about this shirt. Do they make any for men? Because this shirt perfectly describes Tom Brady to a tee.
8. Dry yourself off with this Miami Dolphins hooded towel.
Well, it might be useful. However, the design on this one is ugly and wearing one like that seems kind of ridiculous to me.
9. There’s no reason not to be chic on game day without a Carolina Panthers caftan.
Sorry, but this a poncho. A Carolina Panthers poncho. And it looks pretty stupid if you wear it with shorts.
10. Impress your guests next time they come for the big game with this Oakland Raiders iron wrought door.
Really? An iron wrought door depicting the Oakland Raiders? Couldn’t they just use the door that came with the house. Sure it’s nothing fancy but at least they didn’t have to pay a bunch of money on it.
11. Support the Kansas City Chiefs with this flair hair hat.
So if you want to show support for the Chiefs while looking like Guy Fieri at a tailgate party, this is for you. Of course, how many people would wear this in public I don’t have the slightest idea.
12. Ladies, show your support for your Detroit Lions with this quality long sleeve shirt.
Has the “I’ll be your halftime show” on the back. And I know very what that means which has nothing to do with marching bands.
13. For your game room, these Green Bay Packers pool balls.
I’m sure regular pool balls will do just fine since they’re cheaper anyway. Seriously, I have no idea who buys crap like this.
14. Lounge by the pool drinking a cold one with this Pittsburgh Steelers beer floatie.
For some reason, I’m not a fan of having food and beverages in the pool. This especially goes for alcoholic drinks. This beer floatie is absurd.
15. Keep your pet warm and snug with this New Orleans Saints dog fleece.
For one, New Orleans isn’t a cold place during the winter. Secondly, even if it was, dogs already have something that keeps them warm and dry in colder weather just fine. It’s called fur.
16. Speaking of furry friends, any pooch is bound to enjoy this Chicago Bears chew toy.
For the love of God, you can buy regular chew toys for your dog almost anywhere for a cheaper price. And they won’t know the difference.
17. Light up your room with this Philadelphia Eagles helmet light.
I have one for an LSU light in the college merch post just so you know. Nevertheless, this Tiffany style lamp probably seems more fit for a bar room than anywhere else.
18. Fire up hotdogs and hamburgers on game day with this football shaped charcoal grill.
Yes, I’m familiar with people grilling stuff up on game day. But does the grill need to be football shaped? Probably not.
19. Enjoy Madden with your very own Seattle Seahawks Xbox.
Yes, video game systems are expensive. But does this mean you should buy them with your favorite team? Are you kidding me?
20. This Oakland Raiders candy dispenser is great in any room.
For one, this looks like something you’d see in a store. Second, people make their own. So why the NFL sells this is kind of pointless, really.
21. Keep warm during the colder months with your very own Miami Dolphins sweater vest.
Is it ever sweater weather in Miami during the winter? I thought winters there were at low temperatures of 75 degrees.
22. Show how you love big sacks, ladies, with this Detroit Lions T-shirt.
To those who don’t live in the US, a sack is a play in football when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage before he can make a pass. Yet, I know the connotations one might get when looking at this shirt.
23. Carry your things to the game in your very own Philadelphia Eagles gym pack.
Yes, I know this was designed for kids. But does this mean having an eagle on the bag was a good idea? Not how I see it.
24. Open doors easier with this NFL licensed football pull doorknob.
Because why waste your time hurting your wrist and pulling the door open when you can have this? Because opening a regular door really isn’t that hard.
25. Watch the game on Sunday with your very own Miami Dolphins remote control.
Since when did anyone need a team issued remote control? Couldn’t a regular and cheaper remote do just fine? Crazy.
26. Own a piece of Green Bay Packers history with your very own check signed by Vince Lombardi.
Of course, this costs like $1700 but that’s beside the point. However, to me, this is seriously not worth it.
27. Show how much you love her with this Oakland Raiders heart necklace.
That is only if she specifically asks for one. If she doesn’t, then don’t. That’s all I have to say.
28. Keep your beverages well insulated with this Detroit Lions glitter thermal cup.
It even has glitter on it to appeal to women. Because women seem to like anything that sparkles. Seriously, why?
29. Have yourself laid to rest in none other than your very own Dallas Cowboys casket.
Now you can show your support to your beloved Cowboys from beyond the grave. Definitely fit for any overly devoted fan.
30. Keep yourself safe from danger with this Pittsburgh Steelers handgun.
Okay, NFL coffins are one thing. But NFL handguns, well, that’s completely fucked up. Seriously, guns are dangerous and people get killed by them every year. Why do they want to put team logos on them is beyond me.
31. Keep your room cool during the summer with this Pittsburgh Steelers ceiling fan.
Regular ceiling fans work just as well in any room. And at a lower price. So why is this necessary is beyond me.
32. You can cook anything for the big game on these Dallas Cowboy casserole dishes.
And you can cook anything on any casserole dish you buy in a store. They’ll also be cheaper, too. So these things shouldn’t be necessary.
33. Keep your food chilled for tailgate in this Dallas Cowboys cooler cart.
Resembles something you might see in some school cafeteria. Save for the place for drinks. Seriously, why?
34. Spice up the night with this San Francisco 49ers Enamour Chemise.
From Vice: “The French may have invented love but some genius who has only been close to women on the subway at rush hour came up with this number and slapped an iron-on NFL logo patch where lace meets highly flammable poly-blend. As an added bonus, the structured cups are so strong you could pour your Frappachino in there if you wanna go hands-free. The guy who made this thinks you can wear it anywhere, is why.”
35. Nothing’s more stylish for the big game than this All-Star long sleeved Dolman T-shirt from the New York Giants.
From Vice: “Knowing that a garment had a make-it-work moment when an overworked, underpaid, quite possibly underage garment worker fell asleep at the shears and sliced a hole in the arm empowers me to go on in this biggest make-it-work moment of all: life.”
36. Go to the game in style in these Jacksonville Jaguars high end sequin boots.
Sorry but I believe the time of sequins has passed after the 1980s. And the fact these are UGG boots make these even tackier.
37. March down the aisle on your big day with this Pittsburgh Steelers wedding dress.
For one, the dress looks more like it was made from some Steeler bedsheet than anything. It’s more like a long sun dress you’d wear at a family reunion. Not something for a wedding.
38. If you’re thirsty drink out of this large New York Patriots cup.
I don’t know about you. But it seems like whenever you’re sipping from the straw, you’re sipping from this guy’s head. Kind of creepy if you think about it.
39. Nothing makes you look more stylish than a pair of Baltimore Ravens suede wedge heels.
These ones are tackier than the ones I showed you last year. Because they have leopard printed on the insides. Probably overpriced.
40. Have your little one cuddle with their very own mustached dog plushie from the New England Patriots.
Sorry, but this dog doesn’t seem like he has a mustache. More likely he seems to be suffering from some fungal disease I probably saw on Wikipedia while I was researching the jackalope for my mythical creatures series.
41. Keep yourself warm during the big game with this Seattle Seahawks blanket coat.
It’s like a hooded snuggie that you wear the other way. Though it may keep you from freezing, it’ll also make you look like an idiot.
42. Nothing makes a hallway look better than this Philadelphia Eagles stairwell carpet.
Because in order to match the Eagles memorabilla, you must have Eagles hallway carpet. Couldn’t a plain white carpet do just fine? Or better yet, how about just leave the plain old wooden floor alone.
43. Carry around your things at the stadium with this Denver Broncos sequin decorated purse.
Well, it doesn’t have a lot of sequin decoration. But if it didn’t have any at all, it would’ve looked just fine and less expensive.
44. Have your furry friend rest nice and easy with this Green Bay Packers pet bed.
For God’s sake, chances are your pet doesn’t care about your team. And it will be just as happy if you give it a plain pet bed for a lower price at Pet Smart. Seriously, team pet stuff isn’t about the pets. It’s about the owners.
45. Always know what time it is with this Houston Texans cuckoo clock.
If it didn’t have the Houston Texans stuff on it, it would just be a plain red, white, and blue cuckoo clock. But putting football stuff doesn’t enhance its beauty at all.
46. Nothing says sexy time like a lacy Dallas Cowboy thong.
I know why women wear thongs and I’m sure it’s not for comfort. But seriously, why did someone think putting NFL names on it was necessary? It’s not.
47. Come home for the holidays in this Miami Dolphins ugly Christmas sweater.
If we’re talking about Miami Dolphin fans, I think an ugly Christmas light weight shirt would be more appropriate. But to each his own.
48. Keep your money safe in your very own New England Patriots piggy bank.
Because there’s no team that’s synonymous with integrity like the New England Patriots. You know the team known for spying on players with hidden cameras, deflating footballs, and tampering with radio signals.
49. Keep yourself warm this winter in your very own Miami Dolphins knitted cap.
Unless you live in Miami since it’s known for 80 degree winters. Yeah, I’m sure it wouldn’t be necessary in a place like that.
50. Keep your wine on hand with this Pittsburgh Steelers wine holder.
It even has a clear metal basket to store corks. Nevertheless, do they have one for box of wine? Because my dad usually goes with that.
51. Get yourself high on life with this Oakland Raiders marijuana pipe.
Yes, it does exist and it’s only legally sold to those with a medical marijuana prescription in California. Yet, legal to anyone in Colorado and Washington State.
52. Now your furry friend can support your team in this Miami Dolphins pet tutu dress.
I don’t think this little dog is liking being in this outfit. I mean do dogs really care about sports? No. So why buy something like that? It’s ridiculous.
53. There’s nothing your man will like more than to see you wearing Seattle Seahawk nipple pasties.
Really? Seahawk nipple pasties? I can understand a Seattle stripper buying these. But anyone else, not so much.
54. Support your team with this Philadelphia Eagles cosmos hat.
Think of seeing your NFL team logo on a trippy backdrop. Might go best when smoking dope with an NFL pot pipe.
55. Enjoy hours of fun with this NFL Rush Zone board game.
I don’t know about you. But I think this would be more appropriate as a video game than a board game. Perhaps for fairly obvious reasons.
56. Entertain guests during the big game with a Saint Louis Rams cheese board.
Because there’s no reason why watching the big game should be like going to a cocktail party. You got to have some class here.
57. Eating on ears of corn hasn’t been better than with a pair of Rams corn cob holders.
You can buy corn cob holders anywhere for a small price. Why do these even exist and as footballs? Because it really doesn’t do well with finger grips.
58. Keep your license plate held up on your car with these Saint Louis Rams license plate screws.
Because why deal with regular screws that have been on your car to begin with? After all, people want to see fancy plate screws even if they can’t see them.
59. Relieve chapped lips with a tube of Saint Louis Rams lip balm.
After all, there’s nothing like supporting your team than buying a tube of overpriced chapstick you’ll probably lose before you’re done with it. Yeah, ridiculous.
60. Always be prepared for anything with a Saint Louis Rams roadside emergency kit.
Look, I can understand that an roadside emergency kit is useful. But why go with an overpriced NFL licensed one if you can buy a regular one from almost anywhere? That just doesn’t make sense to me.
61. Always keep control of the road with a Saint Louis Rams steering wheel.
Because why deal with the steering wheel you already had when you bought the car? It doesn’t show support for your team. Seriously, why?
62. Listen to the sounds of country with former Steeler quarterback Terry Bradshaws I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.
Yes, this does exist as I’ve seen it on Pinterest. However, I doubt that you’ll find anything good on it.
63. Keep your pet nice and warm in this Houston Texans dog hoodie.
Not sure how cold it gets in Houston. But if it does, I’m well aware that dogs already have something that could keep them warm and dry. It’s called fur.
64. Support your team with this Houston Texans: 1961 AFC Champions T-Shirt.
Just ignore the fact it was the Houston Texans have only been around since 2002. That it was the Houston Oilers who won the 1961 AFC Championship. And that the Houston Oilers are now the Tennessee Titans. So the 1961 AFC Championship bit shouldn’t be on there.
65. Decorate your garden with this Carolina Panthers tree face.
Whether on or off a tree, this kind of decoration is unsettling. Maybe because it puts a face where it shouldn’t belong.
66. Nothing makes you more manly than a Washington Redskins assault rifle.
Especially recommended for white men with masculinity issues. Seriously, other than killing people, assault weapons have no other purpose. So there’s no point they should even be legal.
67. Always be handy with your own Dallas Cowboys Swiss Army knife.
For nothing says you love America’s Football Team like having a pocket knife that was invented in a country that hasn’t fought a war for centuries. Yes, I’m talking about Switzerland, folks.
68. Wrap your presents with some Kansas City Chiefs wrapping paper.
Because why wrap your son’s birthday gifts in the cheap wrapping paper you can find anywhere? I mean you’re just going to throw it away afterwards anyway.
69. Have hours of fun playing New England Patriots Monopoly.
It’s not only the only game where cheating’s allowed but also encouraged. Just ask Tom Brady and Bill Bellichek.
70. Keep snug and warm this winter in a pair of Miami Dolphins leggings.
Of course, if you live in Miami, expect them to be covered in sweat when you’re done with them. Because Miami’s a hot place.
71. Keep your beer on hand with this Houston Texans beer cozy.
Isn’t beer supposed to be a cold beverage? So why does this exist? We’re not in Europe!
72. Keep your ingredients organized with these Dallas Cowboys kitchen containers.
Each one is marked with a navy blue Dallas star. Though you could find similarly plain ones at any place that sells kitchen wear. And at a lower price.
73. Keep your beverages cool with this Kansas City Chiefs six pack cooler.
You can even fit bottles and cans in them. Of course, you can fit a lot more in a regular cooler. But why would you want that?
74. Show your team is great with this replica 2005 Philadelphia Eagles NFC Championship Ring.
From SB Nation: “Now whenever makes a joke about how the Eagles have “no rings” you can show them this. And then they will still laugh at you.”
75. For evenings during the game, impress your guests with a Denver Broncos fire pit.
It’s a fire pit with the Denver Broncos logo. But the horse looks especially menacing in flames.
76. Nothing looks better on a girl than a pair of Hello Kitty Denver Broncos earrings.
Just what the hell does Hello Kitty have to do with NFL football? I don’t understand it.
77. Support your team by wearing this Hello Kitty Denver Broncos stadium pin.
Once again, I don’t understand the connection between Hello Kitty and football. Seriously, why does this even exist?
78. No quality rec room should be without a Pittsburgh Steelers dart board.
Enjoy hours playing a bar room game specifically designed for the designated drivers. Because you know what drunk Steeler fans would do in a game of darts.
79. Make sure your devices are juiced with a 1600 mah Baltimore Ravens power bar.
When I looked at this, I had no idea what this was used for. And to be honest, I’m still not sure what its exact purpose is.
80. Enjoy a garden breeze with this Pittsburgh Steeler wind chime.
Okay, the concept of this seems good. But the colors on this are all wrong. the star colors are supposed to be gold, red, and blue. Not red, white, and blue.