Me and my mom at Saint Vincent College during my freshman orientation in August of 2008.
I know this is a little early but since Mother’s Day is on the second Sunday in May, it wouldn’t hurt for you to think about what to give your mother, assuming that she’s still alive and you’re on good terms with her. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the mother of your kids, too. For many people, their mothers are usually the primary parents of their lives for a variety of reasons such as a 9 month gestation period, traditional gender roles, and how mothers usually tend to have child custody in a divorce case. But while bad mothers have existed, we have celebrated motherhood throughout the ages as well as great mothers. Still, if there is an argument for equal pay for women, paid maternity leave, universal healthcare, unionism, affordable childcare, or other social action in the US it’s because millions of American working moms provide for their families every day and the best this government can do is give them the support and respect they deserve. Besides, you won’t just find mothers doing housework but also working out in the world at almost every rung of the economic ladder. So it was basically a no brainer for some woman to come up with Mother’s Day, which she later regretted since it became conveniently engulfed with commercialism. Now I can go on and on about great Mother’s Day gift ideas like flowers, chocolates, or a new hat, but I think you’d find it boring and won’t read my post. Instead, I’ll focus on products that would make any mother gasp in horror. Now I’m not talking about the conventional homemade coupons but perhaps some of the more unusual. So without further adieu, here the many gifts that won’t please your mother. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.
1. Waistband Stretcher
Sure it might make her feel comfortable in her jeans. But do you really want to ruin her self-image? Seriously, it’s like telling your mother, “You’re fat” as she uncovers the gift wrapping.
2. Botox Gift Certificate
Because there’s no better way to tell your mom she’s seen better days and that crow’s feet aren’t a sign of graceful aging and wisdom. The kind of gift that would make any Wicked Queen want to kill Snow White.
3. Happy Man Bottle Stopper
Oh, my God, since when does this make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Seems more like the kind of present you’d want to give your college frat boy brother.
4. Broom and Dustpan Slippers
Okay, this is actually pretty awesome. But does it make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Sure it’s a pain to have to duck down and clean up with a real broom and dustpan. But do you really want your mother’s feet to look that ridiculous?
5. The Cuchini
This is something for women to put in their underwear if they have camel toe. Seriously, this is a terrible gift for any woman, let alone a mom. I mean just give her clothes that are looser around the crotch.
6. Carpet Slippers
You might want the carpet to match the drapes. However, I’m not sure if you want your flip flops match the rug or be made from the rug. Might be quite convenient if you need to fetch the mail or take the dog out.
7. Chinchilla Apron
Yes, it’s fake. But just because it’s an apron, doesn’t mean it belongs in the kitchen or anywhere else. Seriously, we’re not in the Stone Age.
8. Assorted Chocolate Crocheted Satchels
I suppose this is the best way to tell Mom, “Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy!” Word of advice, spend your $25 on something she’d actually want like real chocolate!
9. Roach Slippers
For one, my house doesn’t get roaches so my mother wouldn’t use it anyway. Second, wouldn’t it be better to save Mom the trouble by just hiring an exterminator? Seriously, why?
10. Emergency Bra
Ask yourself these questions: Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother’s Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.
11. Weight Watchers Gift Certificate
Let’s just say even if the women in your life are having weight problems, weight loss related merchandise is a terrible idea for any occasion. You really don’t want to call your mom fat on Mother’s Day.
12. Rejuvenique Face Mask
This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I’d recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer. Pamela Voorhees and Mrs. Bates will absolutely love this!
13. Face Slimmer Duck Mask
Mother’s Day gifts shouldn’t pertain that Mom needs to slim down fat face even if she has a double chin and Venus rings. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t give any face silimming contraptions to anyone, especially since it makes you look like you’ve had Botox injections on your lips!
14. Houreisen Face Exercise Mask
Basically nothing says Mother’s Day like giving your mom a face stretching mask that makes her look like a Mexican wrestler. Seriously, I swear that Sister Incarnacion wore one just like it in Nacho Libre 2.
15. Facial Flex
Now here’s a way for Mom to flex her facial muscles to lift up her droopy skin without plastic surgery. Of course, this probably doesn’t work and will make her look like a complete idiot.
16. The Fat Magnet
It’s supposed to remove unwanted fat from food. Still, not only is this a covertly insulting gift to Mom, but there’s no way it actually works. If it did, I wouldn’t come across it in the gift guides of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva. Seriously, there are better things to spend $20.
17. Food Dress
I’m sorry but a salad dress is still a salad. Besides, unless you’re Lady Tottington, I don’t see how such fruit and veggie dresses would be appealing to any woman, let alone moms.
18. Fancy, Fringy Daisy Dukes
For one, these aren’t great to walk in since the fringes might get caught in something. Second, being unable to wear short shorts is not the end of the world. Third, those aren’t even in style and look ridiculous.
19. Glitter Shitter
When your mother says she wants a sparkling toilet seat, I’m sure she didn’t mean this, unless she’s Lady Gaga. Seriously, nobody wants to crap in a commode that seems straight out of Elton John’s disco era bathroom. Besides, toilet seats make terrible gifts anyway.
20. Go Girl!
This is a female (travel) urinal device for when she has to pee in the outskirts of civilization and there’s no bush in sight. Just place it under your shorts and hoo-ha and pee away. Still, better have your mom pee in peace and quiet, perhaps with a funnel. Or just give her a carry-on flushing toilet.
21. Gold Poop Pills
If sparkly toilet seats aren’t bad enough, we have to make our poop sparkle, too. Seriously, do any women want to see their own excrement glittering in the toilet bowl? Of course not! We want to see it flushed down into the septic system to the water treatment plant. A massive waste of $435 better spent on jewelry.
The kind of Mother’s Day gift that says the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on her special day. Seriously, if you can drive to her house and aren’t working, why not you just ditch the bowling tournament and just see her in person, you insensitive jerk?
23. Hana Tsun Nose Straightener
If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career as a leading man and attract a following of fangirls, then I don’t see why anybody needs this. Seriously, your mom’s nose is probably fine the way it is.
24. Cooking for the Clueless DVD
Okay, even if your mom is a lousy cook who can use a few lessons, Mother’s Day isn’t the time of year to bring that up.
25. Hand Dipped Roses
Instead of dumping $800 on this floral thing, you’re probably better off with giving her a bouquet of fresh flowers, jewelry, or both. Seriously, she’d appreciate it more and it’s a better option for your wallet.
26. Parenting Manual
Basically giving your mom a book on parenting for Mother’s Day is like giving Robinson Crusoe a book on how to survive on a deserted island. This is especially insulting if she’s a grandmother.
27. Twilight Edward Cullen Pillow
Seriously, why get your mom a cuddly pillow of a 107 year old vampire who goes after high school girls? I mean Edward Cullen is a stalking, controlling, and predatory creep who should have a restraining order against him. Not his likeness on a body pillow.
28. Wine Holder Necklace
Some women love wine. Some women love jewelry. Some women love both. However, combine wine with jewelry into this with the potential to make a mess of wine and broken glass, that’s absurd.
29. Muscle Tights
Okay, maybe these tights are making this woman look too exposed. Seriously, put some skin over them. Also, these look utterly disgusting and more suited for live models in anatomy classes.
30. Picnic Pants
Sure your mom may be too busy to go on a picnic, but that doesn’t mean she’s desperate enough to risk looking ridiculous. Comes with a cup holder on a pant leg. Resembles a cross between denim harem pants and a tent.
31. Predator Claw Rings
Sure they may make your mom look sharp, but perhaps you should hold on to your $1800 and give her a gifts certificate for a manicure at the spa instead. She’d probably appreciate that way more.
32. Private Laptop Viewer
When your mom said that she wanted some private time to look on her laptop, this was probably not what she was talking about. Seriously, looks like she’s been swallowed by a giant sock.
33. Razorbra Back Shaver
Now I’m familiar with men having back hair, but I’m not sure if women do or not. If so, it’s hardly an issue. Seriously, it’s barely noticeable in photos, well, compared to men’s at least.
I’m sure these Botox band-aids will retrain her facial muscles and restore lost youthful beauty without surgery, lotions, or exercises. Either that, or make her look like an idiot with cut out band-aids on her face.
35. Suction-Powered Lip Plumper
Now your mother can get luscious, plump, bee stung lips with this device that works by using technology of bicycle pumps or weird sounding flutes from bad cartoons. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist?
36. Cleavage Pillow
This Intima cleavage pillow provides a soft place for your mom’s cleavage and helps treat the little known problem of cleavage wrinkles. Yeah, I didn’t know about cleavage wrinkles either.
37. Aerator Sandals
These spiked sandals will open up the soil wherever she walks in the yard. If she prefers walking along dark alleys at night, they can be used as weapons.
38. High Heel Wine Bottle Holder
I’m sure this would be the perfect Mother’s Day gift for the alcoholic mom with a poor taste in interior decorating. Seriously, that thing is utterly hideous.
39. Trenchcoat Night Shirt
When it comes to sexiness, this is about as alluring as a man in a T-shirt tuxedo top. Also, this is not at all an appropriate gift for your mom on Mother’s Day. Seriously, why?
40. “Won’t It Be Fun If It’s Pink?” Kitchen Appliances
While my mom is perfectly okay with having a knife in cutting board. If I gave her a knife and cutting board set that resembled something from the Barbie Kitchen Collection, it wouldn’t go over well.
41. Bare Lifts Breast Support
Now many mom’s may have sagging boobies and may wish to have them perk up once in awhile. However, a gift like this on Mother’s Day is a very bad idea.
42. Fix a Flop Repair Kit
Hey, look, flip flops are basically a dime a dozen so it’s not like you need to have them repaired unless you’re Tom Hanks in Castaway. Seriously, if your flip flops break, do what Mom does, get a new pair of flip flops.
43. Solar Mooning Gnome
I’m sure your mom would want nothing more at night than seeing a saggy, bare, glow-in-the dark gnome ass in her flower garden. Yeah right.
44. Wine Bottle Wine Glass
Now this is the perfect Mother’s Day gift for alcoholics. However, just because your mother is a bit too much into wine doesn’t mean you should give her one of these. Seriously, it might make you a codependent in some cases.
45. Squat Strap
For the outdoorsy mom who hates having to squat in the woods, this offers valuable support for answering the call of nature. Sure there may other uses for it other than taking a shit in the woods but that’s not what you imagine Mom doing is it?
46. Crazy Cat Lady Game
Think of it as a game capturing all the fun of collecting herds of diseased feral cats without having to deal with cleaning up urine or being arrested by animal control. Yeah, I’m sure it’s fun for all ages.
47. Super Kegel Exerciser
This is supposed to be an exercise contraption for pelvic muscles. Said to enhance a woman’s sexual pleasure while toning her thighs, ass, lower abs. Also, said to help with urine incontinence. However, I’d sure as hell not want to be known for buying that doohickey for my mother.
48. Ouch Cutting Board
A cutting board for the mother who loves to cook, take part in voodoo ceremonies, and wanting to settle scores with the people who wronged you without being arrested.
49. Play Doh Perfume
Yes, give your mother the kind of gift that brings her back to the days when she used to get bits of this substance from out of the carpet. Not something she wants to remember.
50. Chocolate Jesus
For the Catholic mom on Mother’s Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn’t say no to chocolate, regardless of sacrilegious shape.
51. Slipper Genie
I’m sure when your mom asked for slippers on Mother’s Day, she asked for ones she can ask and kick back in. Not ones she can clean the floor with. Give her mop for that instead.
52. Steve Buscemi Dress
Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I’m sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I’m sure it makes such a sexy model look very unsexy indeed with having Steve Buscemi on her chest. I think you’re better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead. A DVD of Fargo is a good choice, too.
53. Portable Speaker Shoes
Sure your mom may like music and shoes. But I’m not sure if she’d want to have her music blasting at the feet of her soles. May I suggest that Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” would make a very appropriate soundtrack for these.
54. Measuring Tape Belt
Now this is a perfect Mother’s Day gift that would give mom a way to pull her pants up as well as heighten her waistline insecurities at the same time. Yeah, you’d probably want to pass on this one, even if your mom has weight problems.
55. Subtle Butt Gas Filters
I’m sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatulence. However, Mother’s Day isn’t one of those times.
56. Tissue Box Photo Cover
Moms may like photos of their kids. But sometimes just because you can stick a photo on something, doesn’t mean you should. Please, drop the creepy keepsakes ideas and go with a traditional frame.
57. Uterus Flowers
If your mom isn’t one of those New Age hippie types who thinks consuming animal products is murder, then I wouldn’t recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift. Seriously, avoid such flower arrangements like the plague.
58. Wake-N-Bacon Alarm Clock
There may be plenty of mothers who want to wake up to the smell of bacon in bed. But I’m not sure if this is just right for Mother’s Day.
59. Wearable Luggage
These ponchos may carry 33lbs but there’s no room for pride, shame, or positive reputation. Also, gives the term, “bag lady” a whole new meaning. For Mother’s Day, you might want to stick with a purse instead.
60. Burt Reynolds Tea Towel
I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want to use the 1970s Burt Reynolds centerfold when she hosts her next tea party. Seriously, this is a Mother’s Day gift in poor taste.