Tag Archives: WTF?

Frosty the Snowman and All His Friends

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Sure winter isn’t really upon us yet and I haven’t see much snow since Thanksgiving. Not only that, but while people in the Southern Hemisphere celebrate Christmas in the summer as well as live in places that don’t snow at all in December. Nevertheless, snowmen are among those presented among the Christmas motifs because well, Santa lives in the North Pole and Christmas is a winter holiday in at least places like Europe, North America, Antarctica, the Arctic, and mountain regions. Now it’s not uncommon during the winter for kids to build a snowman though the snow has to be under certain conditions (such as being there for awhile to stick), especially in places where snowfall is a rarer event. A typical snowman consists of 3 snowballs of different sizes with some additional stuff for facial and body features and accessories like branches for arms, a smiley face, a carrot nose, stones and coal for eyes and buttons as well as things like a hat or a scarf. Most of the time they’re abandoned once completed and after a photo op as well as eventually melt. Of course, in this post, you’ll see a lot of different snowmen. Some may be cute, some may be pop culture inspired, and some may be rather demented. So without further adieu, here are some pictures of the wonderful world of snowmen.

1. Aww, a snowman holding his kid on his shoulders.

Of course, I love how they used a pair of kids' pants, shoes, and mittens for this. Yet, I'm sure that kid is going to be a real pain in the ass when he's older.

Of course, I love how they used a pair of kids’ pants, shoes, and mittens for this. Yet, I’m sure that kid is going to be a real pain in the ass when he’s older.

2. Looks like this snowman wants to end it all.

You know if Crusty is so unhappy with his life, why bother hanging himself on a park bench? I mean, he'll melt away once spring comes so ending his life is just pointless, really.

You know if Crusty is so unhappy with his life, why bother hanging himself on a park bench? I mean, he’ll melt away once spring comes so ending his life is just pointless, really.

3. This snowman is quite the acrobat.

My question on this piece is this: How in the hell did a person manage to make a snowman climbing a tree? It's insane!

My question on this piece is this: How in the hell did a person manage to make a snowman climbing a tree? It’s insane!

4. Man, sure wouldn’t want to fall how he did.

Of course, if this was a person, he'd be dead. Seriously, the fall would've killed him or he'd be injured so badly for the ICU.

Of course, if this was a person, he’d be dead. Seriously, the fall would’ve killed him or he’d be injured so badly for the ICU.

5. Seems like this snowman has a drinking problem and is now sleeping on the streets.

Wait a minute, aren't snowmen supposed to be outdoors anyway? Then again, this guy's sleeping on a park bench so he probably doesn't have a yard to stand in.

Wait a minute, aren’t snowmen supposed to be outdoors anyway? Then again, this guy’s sleeping on a park bench so he probably doesn’t have a yard to stand in.

6. For your afternoon fix, DJ Snow will air songs like, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “Ice, Ice, Baby,” “Let It Snow,” “A Hazy Shade of Winter,” “Walking in the Winter Wonderland,” “Cold As Ice,” “Snowballed,” “Snowblind,” “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” and “A Whiter Shade of Pale.”

Of course, that microphone and ear phones won't be usable again once winter is over. Still, hope they were in bad shape to begin with.

Of course, that microphone and ear phones won’t be usable again once winter is over. Still, hope they were in bad shape to begin with.

7. May I introduce you to the NRA Snowman whose guns you can have if you can pry them from his warm dead hands. And, yes, he’s standing his ground.

Musty the Snowman wasn't really a jollly, happy soul since he's always been fearful of someone encroaching his property and home invasions. Please don't put that magical old silk hat on him or he'd begin to shoot around. Hope he wasn't built near a school.

Musty the Snowman wasn’t really a jollly, happy soul since he’s always been fearful of someone encroaching his property and home invasions. Please don’t put that magical old silk hat on him or he’d begin to shoot around. Hope he wasn’t built near a school.

8. Now this snowman sure is punk.

"You talking to me? Are you talking to me?" Man, this snowman doesn't seem to happy. Yet, you have to admire how they made his mohawk from tree branches.

“You talking to me? Are you talking to me?” Man, this snowman doesn’t seem to happy. Yet, you have to admire how they made his mohawk from tree branches.

9. “Hello, my name’s Olaf and I like warm hugs.”

Of course, you have to have Olaf from Frozen on this post. However, that section where he's singing about summer is kind of disturbing if you really think of it. I mean he certainly wouldn't survive that.

Of course, you have to have Olaf from Frozen on this post. However, that section where he’s singing about summer is kind of disturbing if you really think of it. I mean he certainly wouldn’t survive that.

10. Now building a snowman is one thing, building a snowman army, well that takes dedication.

Of course, if your neighbor built a snowman army, you wonder how he or she ever had the time. Either that, or questioning their sanity.

Of course, if your neighbor built a snowman army, you wonder how he or she ever had the time. Either that, or questioning their sanity.

11. “Oh, no, it’s the Iceman Cometh. Phyllis, get the hair dryer!”

Note: while The Iceman Cometh is a play by Eugene O'Neill, it's not about a psychokiller snowman, unfortunately.

Note: while The Iceman Cometh is a play by Eugene O’Neill, it’s not about a psychokiller snowman, unfortunately. That’s a joke.

12. Seems like this snowman really likes to do tricks with his head.

Now I know a headless snowman may freak you out but Rocko is a very nice guy once you get to know him. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Now I know a headless snowman may freak you out but Rocko is a very nice guy once you get to know him. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.

13. This snowman has a habit of leaning next to buildings.

Of course, I hope he doesn't do any damage to the house once he starts melting. That or if a blizzard comes. Seems like he might fall over. Boy, those kids must've had some ambition to build a snowman this tall.

Of course, I hope he doesn’t do any damage to the house once he starts melting. That or if a blizzard comes. Seems like he might fall over. Boy, those kids must’ve had some ambition to build a snowman this tall.

14. Seems like this snowman has enough snow to hit you and then some.

Of course, you don't want to tell him that he looks like Princess Leia. Because that would be bad. Seriously, you wouldn't want to do that.

Of course, you don’t want to tell him that he looks like Princess Leia. Because that would be bad. Seriously, you wouldn’t want to do that.

15. Just a friendly snowman riding his bike.

Yet, I have no idea how this guy is wearing a summer camo hat and sunglasses on a cold cloudy day. Then again, he's a snowman.

Yet, I have no idea how this guy is wearing a summer camo hat and sunglasses on a cold cloudy day. Then again, he’s a snowman.

16. Seems this snowman has hit rock bottom or has had a few too many.

Remember that friends don't let friends get their snowmen drunk. Also, giving Dusky a pack of Miller Lite pints wasn't a good idea.

Remember that friends don’t let friends get their snowmen drunk. Also, giving Dusky a pack of Miller Lite pints wasn’t a good idea.

17. Seems like Snowball here is going on his cycling tour.

Then again, I'm not so sure if Snowball is a snow "man" or whether he or she is going anywhere if you know what I mean. Still, that bike is bound to get rusty.

Then again, I’m not so sure if Snowball is a snow “man” or whether he or she is going anywhere if you know what I mean. Still, that bike is bound to get rusty.

18. Of course, you can’t do a post on snowmen without including one on Eric Cartman from South Park.

Now this snowman sure captures Cartman in perhaps a way that will make Matt Stone and Trey Parker proud. Still, we have to concede that Cartman is the most annoying character on the show. Oh, why can't he be killed in every episode instead of Kenny?

Now this snowman sure captures Cartman in perhaps a way that will make Matt Stone and Trey Parker proud. Still, we have to concede that Cartman is the most annoying character on the show. Oh, why can’t he be killed in every episode instead of Kenny?

19. Snow zombies are rising from their graves for your brains.

Yet, unlike real zombies, at least you can defeat snow zombies with a hair dryer. Seriously, they're very easy to kill, especially in warmer weather.

Yet, unlike real zombies, at least you can defeat snow zombies with a hair dryer. Seriously, they’re very easy to kill, especially in warmer weather.

20. Looks like that things aren’t all fun and games in Snowmanland.

Man, I didn't know snowmen bleed when stabbed. I thought they'd just melt away.

Man, I didn’t know snowmen bleed when stabbed. I thought they’d just melt away. Still, this display would make the neighbors cringe.

21. Nothing makes a snowman like one in the likeness of a Lego person.

Man, these kids seem to have too much time on their hands. Then again, this might've been made by a real artist. Still, possibly the biggest Lego person I've ever seen.

Man, these kids seem to have too much time on their hands. Then again, this might’ve been made by a real artist. Still, possibly the biggest Lego person I’ve ever seen.

22. Jabba the Hutt snowman would like to hire you to bring Han Solo to him dead or alive.

Of course, I always have to have at least one thing on this post relating to Star Wars. Still, I have yet to see a snowman of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

Of course, I always have to have at least one thing on this post relating to Star Wars. Still, I have yet to see a snowman of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

23. Now this snowman would really wish you give him some privacy.

Still, I'm surprised that he's built on some street, possibly for a contest. Nevertheless, you might want to clear out when he's done because he might use the newspaper on where the sun don't shine.

Still, I’m surprised that he’s built on some street, possibly for a contest. Nevertheless, you might want to clear out when he’s done because he might use the newspaper on where the sun don’t shine.

24. This snowman is just going on his relaxing ice fishing trip.

Of course, Andy likes to go ice fishing since he really doesn't have many fishing options other than that. Still, I'm sure he's not going to get much fish from a small puddle.

Of course, Andy likes to go ice fishing since he really doesn’t have many fishing options other than that. Still, I’m sure he’s not going to get much fish from a small puddle.

25. Oh, my God, it’s the snowman zombie apocalypse! Run for your lives!

Now I'm sure that it will all be over by spring since these zombie snowmen will have already melted. Still, you might want to get your hair dryer.

Now I’m sure that it will all be over by spring since these zombie snowmen will have already melted. Still, you might want to get your hair dryer.

26. A can of beer in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other.

Seems like this snowman has a bit of drinking problem. Perhaps he should consider going on a 12 step or AA. Then again, he may not have the time.

Seems like this snowman has a bit of drinking problem. Perhaps he should consider going on a 12 step or AA. Then again, he may not have the time.

27. And you thought a snowman couldn’t do a handstand.

Man, I wonder how this upside down snowman manages to stand up so well. Then again, it has a bigger than average snowman head, which helps so to speak.

Man, I wonder how this upside down snowman manages to stand up so well. Then again, it has a bigger than average snowman head, which helps so to speak.

28. “Hello, hello, hello, what do we have here?”

Of course, you know these snowmen are from Britain because of the Bobby police hats. Still, you don't want to go near their nightsticks.

Of course, you know these snowmen are from Britain because of the Bobby police hats. Still, you don’t want to go near their nightsticks.

29. Oh, my God! Looks like a snowman just got buried in the snow!

Don't let this become like the episode of Boardwalk Empire where Gyp Rossetti had a guy buried in the sand up to his head and whacked him with a shovel. Yet, I have a bad feeling it would come to this.

Don’t let this become like the episode of Boardwalk Empire where Gyp Rossetti had a guy buried in the sand up to his head and whacked him with a shovel. Yet, I have a bad feeling it would come to this.

30. “Get out of the snow! There’s a snowshark coming!”

Of course, we all know that sharks don't swim in the snow nor does anyone else. Still pretty funny and very creative.

Of course, we all know that sharks don’t swim in the snow nor does anyone else. Still pretty funny and very creative.

31. How would you like to get your mail in this snowman mailbox?

Now I wonder how they manage to make a mail box snowman. I mean don't mailboxes have stands for most of the year. Still, I wonder what mail carriers think about this.

Now I wonder how they manage to make a mail box snowman. I mean don’t mailboxes have stands for most of the year. Still, I wonder what mail carriers think about this.

32. While it’s certainly winter, these snowpeople are lounging around like it’s summer.

Then again, they are snowpeople so it's not like they're freezing their asses off. Still, I hope the woman is wearing a swimsuit.

Then again, they are snowpeople so it’s not like they’re freezing their asses off. Still, I hope the woman is wearing a swimsuit.

33. Of course, this snowman is in a moment of deep thought and contemplation.

This might not be a snowman of Tim Tebow or it may not. Either way, that pose reminds me of how he used to get in that pose to pray. Nevertheless, that guy was just an annoying self-righteous turd.

This might not be a snowman of Tim Tebow or it may not. Either way, that pose reminds me of how he used to get in that pose to pray. Nevertheless, that guy was just an annoying self-righteous turd.

34. Nothing makes a great moment as two snowmen sharing a beer on the street.

Seems like these snowman don't give a shit about anything right now. Still, you have to appreciate how they enjoy each other's quality time.

Seems like these snowman don’t give a shit about anything right now. Still, you have to appreciate how they enjoy each other’s quality time.

35. Now this snowman is just lounging around with a beer while holding a Frisbee.

Well, this guy seems to be really enjoying himself. Still, why do I see a lot of snowmen with beer bottles? I wonder.

Well, this guy seems to be really enjoying himself. Still, why do I see a lot of snowmen with beer bottles? I wonder.

36. I give you, the Invasion of the Snowmen.

Man, I wonder if these people realize that the snowman infestation is becoming quite a problem in this town. Then again, there's always spring.

Man, I wonder if these people realize that the snowman infestation is becoming quite a problem in this town. Then again, there’s always spring.

37. Seems like Frosty is doing a kegstand. And I thought he was a family friendly figure.

I hope this snowman is in a neighborhood where there aren't a lot of children. I mean few parents would tolerate a kegstand snowman.

I hope this snowman is in a neighborhood where there aren’t a lot of children. I mean few parents would tolerate a kegstand snowman.

38. Seems like some snowmen are really into voodoo magic.

I don't know about you but I have to admit I do find the stirring of shrunken snowman heads quite funny for some reason. Still, hope no snowman sacrifice was involved.

I don’t know about you but I have to admit I do find the stirring of shrunken snowman heads quite funny for some reason. Still, hope no snowman sacrifice was involved.

39. Just my luck, a snowman crime scene.

Seemed like someone didn't care much for Frosty the snowman so they whacked him over the head with the shovel and decapitated him.

Seemed like someone didn’t care much for Frosty the snowman so they whacked him over the head with the shovel and decapitated him.

40. These snowmen are on the deck engaged in a poker game for money.

Let's hope that none of these guys develop a gambling addiction which is very destructive. Still, seems they enjoy beer and potato chips.

Let’s hope that none of these guys develop a gambling addiction which is very destructive. Still, seems they enjoy beer and potato chips.

41. This snowman really delights in surfing the net.

Let's hope the keyboard and monitor are the only computer components used in this. Still, pretty clever.

Let’s hope the keyboard and monitor are the only computer components used in this. Still, pretty clever.

42. Oh, my God, they put a snow kid in a cage!

Now this is either hilarious, demented, or both. Still, I have to feel bad for the little snow kid in the cage and its parent in a state of distress.

Now this is either hilarious, demented, or both. Still, I have to feel bad for the little snow kid in the cage and its parent in a state of distress.

43. This R2 D2 snowman will service your every needs.

While R2 D2 only speaks in beeps in the Star Wars Saga, you can always understand this onery little droid that has quite the personality.

While R2 D2 only speaks in beeps in the Star Wars Saga, you can always understand this ornery little droid that has quite the fiery personality.

44. “Stop right there, your money or your life.”

Never underestimate the power of a mugger snowman armed with a hair dryer. For snowmen, these grooming appliances are deadly.

Never underestimate the power of a mugger snowman armed with a hair dryer. For snowmen, these grooming appliances are absolutely deadly.

45. Seems like this snowman is ready for a hike or scaling a building.

If he wants to scale a building, he better be careful. Else, he might end up like the snowman I showed earlier. You know, the one with the backpack.

If he wants to scale a building, he better be careful. Else, he might end up like the snowman I showed earlier. You know, the one with the backpack.

46. This snowman really has an elaborate hairstyle if you know what I mean.

Of course, if I were him, I'd consider going to a hair salon to get haircut. Oh, wait, I'd have him go to the pruner's if he has an office.

Of course, if I were him, I’d consider going to a hair salon to get haircut. Oh, wait, I’d have him go to the pruner’s if he has an office.

47. Seems like Olympia Snowe really delights in the attention.

By "Olympia Snowe" I mean this snowman which is said to be the largest in the world. However, I can't help but think that there's something "phallic" about it though.

By “Olympia Snowe” I mean this snowman which is said to be the largest in the world. However, I can’t help but think that there’s something “phallic” about it though.

48. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you snow man and snow wife.”

Now I suppose this snow couple would be best suited for a winter wedding. Yet, I bet that bridal veil isn't cheap if you know what I mean.

Now I suppose this snow couple would be best suited for a winter wedding. Yet, I bet that bridal veil isn’t cheap if you know what I mean. Still, they’ll be together till melt do they part.

49. Seems like these snow children are having fun frolicking in a winter wonderland.

Someone must've had too much time on their hands for this one. Still, it's pretty clever if you know what I mean.

Someone must’ve had too much time on their hands for this one. Still, it’s pretty clever if you know what I mean.

50. Oh, my God, it’s the Staypuft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

Now this is just so great. Yet, I think this one looks too much like the Michelin Tire Man and his head is a little too small.

Now this is just so great. Yet, I think this one looks too much like the Michelin Tire Man and his head is a little too small.

51. When snowmen bowl, heads will roll, literally.

Still, I wonder how these snowmen take aim of when trying to knock down some pins. I mean you have to know where to hit the pins before you roll your head.

Still, I wonder how these snowmen take aim of when trying to knock down some pins. I mean you have to know where to hit the pins before you roll your head.

52. This snowman is pumping himself up, one set of barbells at a time.

Of course, he wants to start small for a time and then move up a few weights. Still, hope he doesn't become a lunk.

Of course, he wants to start small for a time and then move up a few weights. Still, hope he doesn’t become a lunk.

53. Seems like Spongebob Squarepants likes the winter weather.

Now I'm not sure that it looks anywhere near like Spongebob if you know what I mean. Then again, I didn't have cable as a child and didn't watch the show.

Now I’m not sure that it looks anywhere near like Spongebob if you know what I mean. Then again, I didn’t have cable as a child and didn’t watch the show.

54. This snowman is just making a rather important call.

What astounds me most about this display is how the person building this snowman managed to find a phone booth.

What astounds me most about this display is how the person building this snowman managed to find a phone booth.

55. Now this snowman display seems like a take off of Gulliver’s Travels.

I suppose this snowman feels trapped under the ropes of the smaller ones who tied him up. Still, pretty clever.

I suppose this snowman feels trapped under the ropes of the smaller ones who tied him up. Still, pretty clever.

56. Now this snowman really has a penchant for playing the accordion.

Of course, the accordion is almost lifelike and the snowman is sure happy. Still, I don't why it doesn't have a pair of eyes or a nose.

Of course, the accordion is almost lifelike and the snowman is sure happy. Still, I don’t why it doesn’t have a pair of eyes or a nose.

57. Looks like a snowman has been a victim of a hit and run.

Now to the shock of the snowman, it seems that this car's owner is really not going to be happy when they find a snowman on their car.

Now to the shock of the snowman, it seems that this car’s owner is really not going to be happy when they find a snowman on their car.

58. This snowman seems to be quite the wall scaler.

This is said to be a snowman rendition of Spiderman. Yet, I don't know if I can be sure of that. Still, how did they make a snowman like that?

This is said to be a snowman rendition of Spiderman. Yet, I don’t know if I can be sure of that. Still, how did they make a snowman like that?

59. “Aaaah! A snowman just fell on my car!”

How would you like to get up in the morning and find something like that on your windshield? I'm sure I wouldn't.

How would you like to get up in the morning and find something like that on your windshield? I’m sure I wouldn’t.

60. I’m sure this is called, “Orcus on His Porcelain Throne.”

Now I'm sure this guy is thinking deep thoughts as he's on the pot. Of course, I wonder what he's going to do when he's done.

Now I’m sure this guy is thinking deep thoughts as he’s on the pot. Of course, I wonder what he’s going to do when he’s done.

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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A popular holiday tradition that has caught on in recent years is the Elf on the Shelf which is based on a 2005 children’s book written and published by mother and daughter Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell. The book tells of a story of how Santa Claus knows which kids are naughty or nice by sending elves to spy on children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. Each of these hardbound picture books come with a small soft toy in the form of a pixie scout elf so parents around the world can make this their own holiday tradition, just to make sure their kid belongs on Santa’s “nice” list. Now there are certain rules that parents and children must follow during the elf’s stay inside the home. First, it must maintain a distance and provide a watchful eye for Santa. Second, it must never move or speak while the residents are at home and awake, but can “move” from place to place when no one is around. Third, children must never touch the elf or it will lose its magic. Yeah, I know it’s stupid but what do you know? Still, while it does attract a lot of criticism from parenting experts and sometimes parents, the fact that the Internet is filled with pictures of the family’s elf getting into all kinds of hilarious mischief which got me thinking about doing a post where the Elf on the Shelf does things that would put it on the “naughty” list. Sure you’d like to think that these elves are reporting things about the kids to Santa in the evenings but you can’t really be so certain. So I ask you parents to spy on the Elf on the Shelf and use your camera and the Internet to report whenever the elf is doing something naughty. And I don’t mean the little harmless hijinks like making snow angels in flower. No, I mean stuff that could get a popular children’s show host suffer a fast and hard fall from grace like Pee Wee Herman did (like masturbating while watching a porno in a theater). So if you see your terrifying Elf on the Shelf doing any of these terrible at least PG-13 rated things, please remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline number to report it via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. So without further adieu, here’s a great treasury of Elves on the Shelf gone horribly, wildly, and inappropriately bad. Warning: most of these images aren’t for kids and may be unsafe for work.

1. Seems like Crumpet is enjoying his stay bathing with the resident Barbie dolls.

Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.

Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.

2. Crinkles seems to have gone gangsta.’

Crinkles didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.

Crinkles didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.

3. Mom and Dad should’ve known not to play cards for cash with Sugar Bear. Else, he’ll make them bet their car keys.

It's very unlikely that Mom's new Hyundai Elantra and Dad's Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.

It’s very unlikely that Mom’s new Hyundai Elantra and Dad’s Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.

4. Things are about to get frisky between Dangles and Barbie in her pink Malibu SUV she always lets him drive.

Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he's screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn't with GI Joe's main squeeze. Now that's a doll you don't want to mess with.

Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he’s screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn’t with GI Joe’s main squeeze. Now that’s a doll you don’t want to mess with.

5. For Kringles, Monday night is Hustler night. It’s just a question what he’s in the mood for.

Let's hope that Johnny's parents don't catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He'll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he's caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.

Let’s hope that Johnny’s parents don’t catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He’ll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he’s caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.

6. “Okay, Pattykins, chug that Budlight on the count of three. One, two, three, chug!”

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls' bikini party.

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls’ all night bikini party.

7. Looks like Sourball has spent all the DeLazzaros’ money on Powerball tickets.Too bad he hasn’t won yet.

Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I'd also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.

Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I’d also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.

8. For dinner, Shrimpy is planning on serving oven baked Smurfs tonight.

Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, "Cannibal."

Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, “Cannibal.”

9. “You came in like a wrecking ball….”

I'm sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.

I’m sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.

10. Here’s Dingleberry pictured playing his favorite video game, Grand Theft Auto IV.

I don't know about you but shouldn't anyone be concerned whenever there's an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.

I don’t know about you but shouldn’t anyone be concerned whenever there’s an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.

11. “Do you want to slay a snowman? I’m sure it’s fun to do.”

Missy's latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl's very vicious with a gun and a sword.

Missy’s latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl’s very vicious with a gun and a sword.

12. It’s time for you to die, Dinkystinks, and fall victim to my dark passenger.

Looks like Dexter won't show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he's known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.

Looks like Dexter won’t show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he’s known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.

13. Seems like Gingy joined up with Justin Timberlake so they could present their lady friends with a “dick in a box.”

Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don't put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your "dick in a box" is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.

Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don’t put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your “dick in a box” is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.

14. Straight from the North Pole, we have Holly the Shelf Elf do her legendary yuletide pole dancing routine.

Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can't live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she's been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.

Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can’t live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she’s been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.

15. Just a few days more for Elsie and she’ll be off to the North Pole.

Yet, I'm not sure if Elsie's idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.

Yet, I’m not sure if Elsie’s idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.

16. Looks like Dobbie peed his own name on the little Christmas village.

Just between you and me, I'm sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn't urinate anywhere in his masters' house as far as I know.

Just between you and me, I’m sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn’t urinate anywhere in his masters’ house as far as I know.

17. Flickers thinks you might need some fire in your eyes.

I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!

I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!

18. Looks like Captain James T. Kirk isn’t the only guy partial to green girls.

And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein's daughter's pole dancing routine. Shouldn't an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?

And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein’s daughter’s pole dancing routine. Shouldn’t an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?

19. Seems like Snowball really likes to play with the family leg lamp.

Of course, I hope Snowball's fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn't amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?

Of course, I hope Snowball’s fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn’t amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?

20. Seriously, you don’t want to know what he’s doing with that toothbrush.

Oh, my God, that's really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.

Oh, my God, that’s really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.

21. Oh, dear, looks like Noggy just upskirted an angel.

Now Noggy isn't just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he'll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn't take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.

Now Noggy isn’t just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he’ll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn’t take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.

22. Seems like Hingle is trying to tell us something.

So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn't did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he's honest.

So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn’t did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he’s honest.

23. Man, seems like Thistlewhite is making some kind of blue candy. Oh, wait a minute!

Oh, my God, don't tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there's a meth problem among the toys.

Oh, my God, don’t tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there’s a meth problem among the toys.

24. Seems like Honey Bear has gotten in trouble with the Abominable Snowman and is being barbecued.

Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can't wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.

Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can’t wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.

25. Oh, no, seems like Glitter Bug has a paint huffing problem. Dear Lord!

Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can't be good for Glitter Bug's magic.

Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can’t be good for Glitter Bug’s magic.

26. Oh, no, looks like Plinker has been sentenced to firing squad.

Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn't want to go there.

Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn’t want to go there.

27. Of course, if reindeer games amounted to stuff like this, maybe Rudolph was lucky.

Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can't help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won't be happy about this.

Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can’t help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won’t be happy about this.

28. Looks like Clinker is having a really wild life with a ballerina doll as far as I can see.

Still, let's hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they're drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.

Still, let’s hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they’re drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.

29. Looks like Blinker was arrested in a domestic dispute with Barbie. Luckily the action figure police was there.

Let's hope that he didn't do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn't find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.

Let’s hope that he didn’t do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn’t find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.

30. “Shut up, and give me all you got before I stab you!”

Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let's just say he's not coming back to the Fosters' house after this year.

Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let’s just say he’s not coming back to the Fosters’ house after this year.

31. “Quick, give him some oxygen, we’re losing him, I tell you!”

Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.

Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.

32. At least he found a toilet to puke in.

This all night drinking and partying doesn't seem to get Flinker on Santa's "nice" list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.

This all night drinking and partying doesn’t seem to get Flinker on Santa’s “nice” list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.

33. “I’m sure Frosty won’t suffer…..much.” (giggles)

Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.

Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.

34. Welcome to the annual Reindeer Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Of course, I'm sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle's bow and candy canes.

Of course, I’m sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle’s bow and candy canes.

35. Looks like Mickey is going to be in for a surprise when he comes home to Minnie. Let’s just say, I’d hate to see Iggie be punched by a Disney mouse.

Man, Minnie you're a very bad girl. Then again, I'm sure Mickey wouldn't be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.

Man, Minnie you’re a very bad girl. Then again, I’m sure Mickey wouldn’t be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.

36. Sleigh Bell always wants to lend a helping hand and sees nothing wrong with joining Tony Montana in their joint drug empire.

For those who've seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won't end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.

For those who’ve seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won’t end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.

37. Of course, since Chrissy won’t do it with him Mingles will have to take drastic action.

Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he's not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.

Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he’s not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.

38. Binky and Barbie were snorting cocaine and oh, my God, what the hell’s going on with Barbie?

Still, I'm really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what's befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you're at a kid's house, not Wall Street!

Still, I’m really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what’s befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you’re at a kid’s house, not Wall Street!

39. “Stop! You’re money or your life!”

Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn't want to mess with him.

Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn’t want to mess with him.

40. Pinky really seems to enjoy surfing online.

Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.

Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.

41. Looks like Jingles is stealing from Mr. Johnson’s wallet. I hope he’s not going to use the money for something naughty.

Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons' cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.

Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons’ cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.

42. Seems like Cup Cup’s drinking problem led to his North Pole termination.

Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.

Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.

43. During the holiday season at the McClanahan house, the toys all assemble for their very own Fight Club. Beginners usually have to face the elf first.

And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken's ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?

And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken’s ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?

44. Oh, my God, Nimble seems to have gotten hold of Mr. McGilicuddy’s gun. Hope it’s not loaded.

Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now's the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.

Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now’s the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.

45. Seems like the toys have been acting differently since Timmy arrived to the Lindauer’s home.

Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I'm not sure if Santa will approve though.

Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I’m not sure if Santa will approve though.

46. Of course, Numby always loves to help his family decorate for Christmas.

However, I'm not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I'm not sure if he could sit still.

However, I’m not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I’m not sure if he could sit still.

47. “$20 for Valium? What a bargain!”

Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer's house.

Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer’s house. Please report him to Santa.

48. “Okay, ladies, now I want you to make out under the mistletoe. And I want you girls to get down and dirty.”

While Freddy wasn't spying on the Parkers' kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie's Barbie dolls as actresses.

While Freddy wasn’t spying on the Parkers’ kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie’s Barbie dolls as actresses.

49. Seems like Heimel won’t be going back to the Bradfords this year. I wonder what caused Santa to fire him.

Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.

Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.

50. Looks like Ken has been very, very naughty to meet his end through the clutches of Buddy.

Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won't be able to kill Barbie. I didn't know he was a sick bastard.

Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won’t be able to kill Barbie. I didn’t know he was a sick bastard.

51. Oh, dear, seems like Twinkle Toes likes to steal money from children.

I'm sure he took much more than just a nickel from Johnny's first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.

I’m sure he took much more than just a nickel from Johnny’s first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.

52. “All right, Prince, if you want to see Snow White again, bring me $100,000 ransom. If you don’t meet my demands, she’s history.”

Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.

Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.

53. Seems like Flicker is planning a big party with the toys while the Polaskys are out Christmas shopping.

Okay, but I'd be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.

Okay, but I’d be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.

54. Oh, my God, what did Ringly do with Barbie and Ken?

Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he's just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.

Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he’s just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.

55. Seems like Glitter Bell has done something naughty enough to get a mugshot.

Oh, dear, things aren't looking good for Glitter Bell aren't they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.

Oh, dear, things aren’t looking good for Glitter Bell aren’t they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.

56. “Here’s your change for that pack of Marlboros, so thank you and good night.”

This isn't going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.

This isn’t going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.

57. Sorry, Walter White, but Dinky is the one who knocks.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn't hear about this.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing artificial sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn’t hear about this.

58. Looks like Jerry loves to collect things.

Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.

Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.

59. Seems like Soapy has finally found the Bumgarners’ liquor and medicine cabinets.

So that's why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.

So that’s why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.

60. “I have your wallet now.”

Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn't been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.

Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn’t been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.

61. On second thought, maybe it was a bad idea for the Bateses to name their elf Norman.

Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn't even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.

Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn’t even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.

62. Seems like Bimble is in the mood for red rum as he writes on the wall.

Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that "Red Rum" is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.

Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that “Red Rum” is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.

63. So that’s how Krinkly reports back to Santa. Interesting.

Wait a minute, he's not texting to Santa. He's sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don't get in trouble.

Wait a minute, he’s not texting to Santa. He’s sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don’t get in trouble.

64. Great, Jangles just flashed at the Playmobil people.

Luckily the Playmobil wasn't on duty at the time or the elf would've been arrested for indecent exposure.

Luckily the Playmobil wasn’t on duty at the time or the elf would’ve been arrested for indecent exposure.

65. Seems like Igby really likes to work with his hands.

Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.

Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.

66. Oh, look, Dobbie’s written something on the eggs.

Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.

Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.

67. “Hello, Clarice.”

Next he'll be talking about how he ate a guy's liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

Next he’ll be talking about how he ate a guy’s liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

68. For the Fractellis, here’s your new elf on the shelf, Snooki.

Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.

Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.

69. Seems like Eddie really takes to living in a mobile RV home.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.

70. Aww, Plinko and Barbie sharing a- wait a minute, that’s twerking isn’t it?

Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.

Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.

71. Oh, my God, is Jingles planning on shooting Rudolph? Good heavens!

Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn't mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa's reindeer, especially Rudolph.

Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn’t mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa’s reindeer, especially Rudolph.

72. Man, looks like things at the North Pole aren’t going so well.

Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn't very nice after all.

Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn’t very nice after all.

73. Seems like the toys have had enough with Bimbles.

Hope that house doesn't have a child who's potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he'll smell like poo and pee.

Hope that house doesn’t have a child who’s potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he’ll smell like poo and pee from a 3-year-old.

74. Gristlekins really likes to get down and dirty with the blue girls.

Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there's anything wrong wit that.

Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there’s anything wrong wit that.

75. “Quick, get the defibrillator. I think we may be losing him.”

Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won't be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.

Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won’t be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.

76. All Frankie needs are his cigarette, a bottle of Absolut, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.

I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.

77. Seems like Blueball is filming his new flick, Barbies Gone Wild.

Not only that, but he's using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins' camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won't be the only person who'll be pissed off at him.

Not only that, but he’s using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins’ camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won’t be the only person who’ll be pissed off at him. He’ll be in a lot of trouble.

78. Oh, nice, Brimbles is having a party. Adorable.

Wait a minute, he's snorting cocaine with a Smurf and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up.

Wait a minute, he’s snorting cocaine with a Smurf Mrs. Potts, and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up. It was probably Brimbles’ idea.

79. Oh, my God! Jimbles killed Barbie!

I don't know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.

I don’t know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.

80. Seems like someone made a nice message on the fridge.

Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don't think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.

Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don’t think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.

Jolly Old Sketchy Saint Nicholas

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

santa-claus3

It’s always been a Christmas tradition for kids to see their local Santa Claus impersonator to request on what they want for Christmas. It’s also been a tradition that children have their picture taken with Santa as well. Still, while Santa Claus is supposed to be an old jolly bearded fat man in a red suit who’s supposed to inspire holiday cheer and adoration from children, sometimes the portrayal doesn’t go too well. Of course, there are times when people have to make do with what they got when it comes to having a Santa Claus, yet when it goes wrong, the side effects could range from unfortunate photo ops, frightened children, and the jolly Christmas icon seeming more suited for a horror movie than the festive holiday season. Nevertheless, there have been moments in which Santa doesn’t seem so nice and it’s the sketchy Santas I’ll show you in this post. So without further adieu, I present a treasury of Santas whose laps nobody would want to sit on. Some of these may not be safe for work.

1. Looks like Santa Claus has been drained of the spirit of Christmas.

"Yes, I get that you'd want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I've seen today. And for God's sake can't you just take the picture to get it over with? I'm holding a screaming kid in my arms."

“Yes, I get that you’d want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I’ve seen today. And for God’s sake can’t you just take the picture to get it over with? I’m holding a screaming kid in my arms.”

2. Someone doesn’t feel jolly this holiday season and I don’t think it’s the kid.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho" before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho” before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

3. Seems like Punisher Santa doesn’t really understand children.

"So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain't my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!"

“So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain’t my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!”

4. While the baby doesn’t seem to be too upset, I’d be scared to death if this Santa was posing with my baby.

Yes, I'm sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus' next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

Yes, I’m sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus’ next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

5. “Why, Johnny, that’s an interesting balloon you have, I wonder if that’s a present for your parents. And I’m sure I wouldn’t put it between your legs if I were you.”

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there's something rather inappropriate about it. And I don't think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there’s something rather inappropriate about it. And I don’t think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

6. Nothing turns off anyone more than the presence of a Santa Claus in his underwear.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

7. Take it easy on him, kids, since Santa’s been implicated in some barroom brawl the night before and hasn’t been feeling himself lately.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

8. Now I know he’s supposed to be Santa Claus but his face kind of reminds me of Old Man Winter.

"Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I'm done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season. Ho, ho, ho."

“Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I’m done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season.

9. Santa shares a photo op with a couple of kids and Beppo the clown.

Seems like Santa doesn't enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I'm sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

Seems like Santa doesn’t enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I’m sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

10. I can’t tell whether Santa is a bit peeved by getting squashed by two ladies on his lap or thrilled to death for the same thing.

"Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year."

“Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year.”

11. Looks like the boss had Vinnie play Santa for the annual Christmas party on behalf of the Family’s kids.

"Man, when Don Vito said he'll make me an offer I can't refuse, I didn't mean it would amount to posing with his kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this."

“Man, when Don Vito said he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse, I didn’t mean it would amount to posing with his bratty kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this. Then again, maybe I should’ve refused the offer.”

12. Since Santa couldn’t make it today, I’m sure the evil Saruman from Isengard will make a good substitute. I mean he has a white beard doesn’t he?

"I think I'll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I'm sure the other one won't miss her sister that much."

“I think I’ll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I’m sure the other one won’t miss her sister that much.”

13. “Well, how would you feel if you had to spend once a year breaking into people’s houses through their chimneys just to leave something nice for their kids?”

Of course, I'm sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people's roofs.

Of course, I’m sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people’s roofs.

14. Here’s Santa Claus sitting with what appears to be Rhoda Penmark. You know the girl who killed that boy over not getting the Penmanship Award on a field trip.

"Of course, I see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. Also, I know you've been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo."

“Of course, I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. Also, I know you’ve been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo.”

15. “I have you now, my pretty, and I could’ve gotten your little dog, too. But the mall doesn’t allow pets.”

"So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don't pay for themselves."

“So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and a T-bone steak near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don’t pay for themselves.”

16. “Did this girl just pee on my knee?”

"Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids."

“Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids.”

17. “I’ll just stick my hand right there for safety-sake, Bobby… Ol’ Santa wouldn’t want ya slippin’ of his lap, now would he?”

Hey, Santa, you aren't supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won't see that Santa again because I'm sure those parents complained.

Hey, Santa, you aren’t supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won’t see that Santa again because I’m sure those parents complained. Yet, this poor boy is scarred for life.

18. Zombie Santa Claus seems very hungry for little kids’ brains. Sadly, Ritchie would never be seen again after this picture was taken.

"Mommy, don't let him take me! He's dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!" But Ritchie's mom just wouldn't listen.

“Mommy, don’t let him take me! He’s dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!” But Ritchie’s mom just wouldn’t listen.

19. Yes, Santa Claus gives toys for the good girls and boys but he will come back for their souls later.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

20. Seems like it’s Christmas in Disneyland.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa's about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa’s about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

21. Now here’s Saint Nicholas with three of his helpers. Hey, wait a minute, those aren’t elves!

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn't recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn’t recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

22. While you want your kid’s first visit with Santa to be memorable, make sure it doesn’t traumatize them for life.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

23. “Come sit on Santa’s lap. I have candy canes.”

"Mommy, please don't let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It's not funny, Mommy."

“Mommy, please don’t let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It’s not funny, Mommy. I’m serious, Mommy.”

24. Looks like eye shadowed Santa has a gift for all the kids who sit on his lap.

"And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary?"

“And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary? Also, can you please give Daddy a pair of wifebeaters?”

25. While he’s on break, Santa Claus likes to strum his guitar and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, who would've thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he'll probably be totally wasted once he's back to work.

Of course, who would’ve thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he’ll probably be totally wasted once he’s back to work.

26. Of course, this is what you get when you hire the homeless guy outside a Kmart to play Santa Claus.

And from how that baby's acting up, I'm sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn't have to grow a beard.

And from how that baby’s acting up, I’m sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn’t have to grow a beard.

27. “Oh, Ms Tammy! Those the set I brought ya last year? How ’bout Ol’ Santa brings you a nice shiny pole to go along with’em!?!?!?”

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he's not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he’s not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

28. Creepy Ghost Santa said, “So, Sally, what would you like for Christmas this year? Oh, wait a minute, you probably already answered that question in your nightmares.” Of course, this was right before he chopped her with an axe.

From Neatorama: "This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying."

From Neatorama: “This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying.”

29. Only in an adult club could a guy sit on Santa’s lap wearing a speedo and holding a tenor saxophone.

Santa Claus: "Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to doing it next year."

Santa Claus: “Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to putting the red suit on next year.”

30. “Looks like the Valium is about to kick in at any moment…..right about now.”

"Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz."

“Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz.”

31. “Ewww, Santa’s breath smells like our drunk Uncle Harry during a bender.”

"Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast."

“Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast. It’s how he manages to deal with cranky elves and out of control reindeer in their games. Now he needs another drink.”

32. Come to see Santa Claus, he’ll let you ride on his donkey.

From Neatorama: "Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus." Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

From Neatorama: “Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus.” Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

33. “Hold yer britches, Brittany, Daddy ain’t finished telling Santa Claus what he wants for Christmas.”

Santa: "I'm sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I'll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies."

Santa: “I’m sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I’ll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies.”

34. Remember, parents, don’t take your child to visit Santa Claus during the dead of night. Especially when he says, “This child is the right size for roasting.”

Santa: "So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?" Little Girl: "Mommy, please, don't make me sit on that man's lap. He looks like he wants to eat me."

Santa: “So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Girl: “Mommy, please, don’t make me sit on that man’s lap! He looks like he wants to eat me!” (Runs off unable to stop screaming.)

35. Terrorists, say hello to Santa’s little friend, the assault rifle.

Granted, he's most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who's recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

Granted, he’s most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who’s recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

36. Sometimes adults like to take their picture with Santa Claus as well, especially couples.

I bet Santa is like, "Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!" Pervert.

I bet Santa is like, “Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!” Pervert.

37. While Santa Claus isn’t having kids sit on his lap, you can see him outside directing traffic.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he's doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he’s doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

38. Why, yes, Virginia, you can have your cat pose in a picture with Santa Claus.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

39. Before he started his career on 60 Minutes, the late Andy Rooney used to do stints playing Santa Claus at the mall. He wasn’t received well.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you'd rather not.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you’d rather not.

40. Would you let this man deliver presents for your kids around Christmas Eve?

I'm sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn't commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay.

I’m sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn’t commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay for someone this Christmas.

41. Hey, I didn’t know John Goodman’s character from The Big Lebowski was a mall Santa.

I haven't seen The Big Lebowski, but I'm sure things aren't going to be good if this baby's father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

I haven’t seen The Big Lebowski, but I’m sure things aren’t going to be good if this baby’s father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

42. “Now you be a good girl and go tell your momma Santa’s got a big, special present just for her…”

I don't like the look on that Santa's face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn't want to sit on Santa's lap anymore.

I don’t like the look on that Santa’s face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap anymore.

43. “Oh, yes, I’m making a list and checking it twice.”

However, judging by this Santa's face and the kids' faces, I can't really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

However, judging by this Santa’s face and the kids’ faces, I can’t really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

44. Santa Claus really likes children sitting on his lap.

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you'll never escape from the man they call, "The Claus."

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you’ll never escape from the man they call, “The Claus.”

45. A tired Santa Claus prepares his way to go down the chimney.

From Neatorama: "If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney."

From Neatorama: “If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney.”

46. “All right, photo 1,546 coming right up. Damn, you’d think I’d have migraines after a spending a day with people flashing cameras in my face.”

"Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?"

“Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?”

47. Just Old Kris Kringle curled up with a bottle of booze on his lunch break.

He's probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

He’s probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

48. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don't like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn't look evil in this?

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don’t like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn’t look evil in this?

49. Heeeere’s Santa!

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

50. Santa Claus: Jolly old gift giver who brings tidings of comfort, joy, and good cheer or Snidely Whiplash in disguise.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn't really aged all too well has he? And he's put on a lot of weight, too.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn’t really aged all too well has he? And he’s put on a lot of weight, too.

51. “Certainly, Mr. Gregson, I’ll take very good care of that redheaded stepson of yours….for a while.”

From Neatorama: "Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus."

From Neatorama: “Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus.”

52. These eyes have certainly seen a darker side of Christmas.

I'm sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of "registered offenders" list in some states.

I’m sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of “registered offenders” list in some states.

53. “I saw Mommy spanking Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” And looks like Santa didn’t seem to mind.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

54. Don’t look now but I think there’s a scary red suited beardy man behind you.

"All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that's no presents for you Chloe."

“All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that’s no presents for you Chloe.”

55. “For the love of God, how much time do I have left for this?”

"Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong."

“Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong.”

56. Just because  a little girl may have a shirt that says she loves Santa, doesn’t mean she actually does.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

57. Sorry, kids, looks like Santa has been drinking too much eggnog lately.

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he's heard of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he’s heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or the 12 step program?

58. “I always love it when they squeal.”

"Yes, cry my little one! I'm always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho!"

“Yes, cry my little one! I’m always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho! Their tears always give me great nourishment.”

59. Santa: “So, little lady have you been a good little girl this year?”

Little Girl: "Mommy, get me off this scary man's lap! I'll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don't force me to sit on his lap, please!"

Little Girl: “Mommy, get me off this scary man’s lap! I’ll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don’t force me to sit on his lap, please!”

60. Sorry, kid, but there’s no escaping Santa now!

"The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don't have to go through a background check."

“The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don’t have to go through a background check.”

61. “I was only kidding about Rudolph being hit by a 747.”

"Hey, can't a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? What the hell is wrong with this boy?"

“Hey, can’t a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? Jesus, what the hell is wrong with this boy?”

62. It’s said while Santa gives bad kids coal for Christmas, he puts bad elves in the fire for kindling.

Let's just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she's a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa's eyes.

Let’s just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she’s a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa’s eyes beneath his fluffy white beard.

63. “Here, you take him, I think he just spoiled my robe here.”

I don't know about you but if this photo didn't take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

I don’t know about you but if this photo didn’t take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

64. Yes, Virginia, Santa loves cats.

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

65. “Do you think the child is frightened by the wig? Or is it just me?”

Let's just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you'd see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you'd see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which doesn't go good on him. Still, I can see why this baby isn't a happy camper.

Let’s just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you’d see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you’d see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which you’d likely see on a cult leader.
Still, I can see why this baby isn’t a happy camper.

66. While parents love to take their kids to see Santa, they always try to avoid seeing a flashing one.

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there's certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there’s certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

67. Sorry, kids, but Santa has to get a lap dance from Mrs. Claus.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain't right.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain’t right.

68. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

69. Come into Santa’s car. He’ll take your requests and give you free candy.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn't risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn’t risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

70. Sometimes it’s every child’s wish to see Santa during the Christmas season.

Sometimes, it's Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children's nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

Sometimes, it’s Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children’s nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

For more: Bad Santas- http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-very-best-of-bad-santa/2013/12/18/

Up on the Housetop, on Christmas Inflatable Decorations

Posted by historymaniacmegan on
What the hell is the jack-o'-lantern doing here? Halloween's over.

What the hell is the jack-o’-lantern doing here? Halloween’s over.

Now the tradition of having Christmas inflatables on lawns is a relatively recent phenomenon but they are nevertheless popular enough for onlookers to spot them. Of course, some people tend to go all out on them as well. So like them or hate them, they are here to stay. Nevertheless, I don’t participate in this tradition but many do so here’s a post on them. And believe me, there are many you can choose from according to the online listings. Yet, while I can go on and on about all the wonderful inflatable decorations out there, you might find it boring so I’ll put up the ones that don’t seem that glamorous but deserve extra attention for sheer tackiness. Not to mention, there are some inflatables that for some reason seem to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. So without further adieu, enjoy these blow up lighting lawn ornaments that might have some disturbing implications.

1. In honor of A Christmas Story, here’s a 6 foot inflatable leg lamp to show your neighbors.

As most of us have seen A Christmas Story, we all know that Ralphie's dad received a leg lamp after winning a sweepstakes contest. Still, despite A Christmas Story being a family film, this leg lamp is certainly an R-rated decoration.

As most of us have seen A Christmas Story, we all know that Ralphie’s dad received a leg lamp after winning a sweepstakes contest. Still, despite A Christmas Story being a family film, this leg lamp is certainly an R-rated decoration.

2. Santa Claus likes to ride on his motorcycle with his reindeer in the sidecar.

Wait a minute, isn't Santa supposed to be using his reindeer as transportation for his sleigh? I thought that reindeer were means of getting there, not passengers.

Wait a minute, isn’t Santa supposed to be using his reindeer as transportation for his sleigh? I thought that reindeer were means of getting there, not passengers.

3. Tyrannosaurus Rex receives a bone for Christmas as he always wanted.

I understand that dinosaurs are cool kid appeal animals, but still, they haven't roamed the Earth in 65 million years. To have a dinosaur in Christmas regalia is about as anachronistic as The Flintstones Holiday Special.

I understand that dinosaurs are cool kid appeal animals, but still, they haven’t roamed the Earth in 65 million years. To have a dinosaur in Christmas regalia is about as anachronistic as The Flintstones Holiday Special.

4. This snowman seems all dressed up and ready to get himself a buck.

Well, this does make a good decoration since deer hunting season starts on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Still, this has unfortunate implications if you know that Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer and the message of

Well, this does make a good decoration since deer hunting season starts on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Still, this has unfortunate implications if you know that Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer and the message of “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.”

5. For those who love Christmas and Ernest Hemingway, then this is a great inflatable decoration for you.

When you take the Christmas stuff off of this decoration, you have yourselves an inflatable lawn decoration of Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea.

When you take the Christmas stuff off of this decoration, you have yourselves an inflatable lawn decoration of Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea.

6. Looks like Santa is climbing in the pool for a swim with a reindeer, penguins, and a polar bear.

Knowing that Santa lives in the North Pole, then he must be a member of the Polar Bear Club. Still, what the hell are these penguins doing here? They live in Antarctica, not the North Pole for God's sake.

Knowing that Santa lives in the North Pole, then he must be a member of the Polar Bear Club. Still, what the hell are these penguins doing here? They live in Antarctica, not the North Pole for God’s sake.

7. Merry Christmas from Santa’s trailer.

Looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus might need to go to marriage counseling or aren't on great terms right now.

Looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus might need to go to marriage counseling or aren’t on great terms right now.

8. While most of Santa’s reindeer are guys who pull the sleigh, their mates stage their own roller derby night.

Still, at least this decoration gets it right that female reindeer do have antlers during this time of year. And in many species, they are the only ones with antlers in December since the males have shed them since mating season. Still, I'd rather not recommend roller derby to anyone since it's a very violent sport.

Still, at least this decoration gets it right that female reindeer do have antlers during this time of year. And in many species, they are the only ones with antlers in December since the males have shed them since mating season. Still, I’d rather not recommend roller derby to anyone since it’s a very violent sport.

9. Santa and his friends travel the world in their hippie van encouraging kids to be nice, not naughty.

So if Santa Claus is an aging bohemian, does this mean that smoking pot, taking drugs, and engaging in free love won't get you put on the naughty list? Also, does this mean that soldiers get coal this year?

So if Santa Claus is an aging bohemian, does this mean that smoking pot, taking drugs, and engaging in free love won’t get you put on the naughty list? Also, does this mean that soldiers get coal this year?

10. Man, it’s so cold outside that even a snowman is shivering in his igloo.

Wait a minute, snowmen are made of snow and shouldn't be shivering in the cold. If they get warm, they melt. Simple is that. So why is this snowman getting the chills?

Wait a minute, snowmen are made of snow and shouldn’t be shivering in the cold. If they get warm, they melt. Simple is that. So why is this snowman getting the chills?

11. For the kids, celebrate Christmas with an inflatable lawn Noah’s Ark.

As a practicing Catholic, I need to say that this inflatable decoration makes no theological sense whatsoever. I mean most Christians usually celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Christ. Well, Noah's Ark is recorded in Genesis so there's no reason why it shouldn't have any Christmas decorations on it.

As a practicing Catholic, I need to say that this inflatable decoration makes no theological sense whatsoever. I mean most Christians usually celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Christ. Well, Noah’s Ark is recorded in the Old Testament Book of Genesis so there’s no reason why it shouldn’t have any Christmas decorations on it. What’s next, Moses dressed as Santa or Adam and Eve wearing elf costumes? Because both such decorations would just be as ridiculous as this.

12. Looks like Frosty the Snowman and his penguin friend are enjoying a long vacation at the beach sipping coconut drinks.

Seriously, what the hell is that snowman doing here next to a palm tree? Snowmen basically melt and evaporate in warmer, tropical climates. So there's no reason why Frosty should be near a palm tree in the first place.

Seriously, what the hell is that snowman doing here next to a palm tree? Snowmen basically melt and evaporate in warmer, tropical climates. So there’s no reason why Frosty should be near a palm tree in the first place.

13. Here’s Santa Claus relaxing in his palm tree hammock after making his Christmas Eve rounds.

Now I don't know about you but doesn't it seem a bit odd that Santa is still in his red suit? I don't mean to be rude, but if Santa doesn't strip out of that big red winter suit anytime soon, he might as well be rushed to the hospital for heatstroke. That, or sweating like hell.

Now I don’t know about you but doesn’t it seem a bit odd that Santa is still in his red suit? I don’t mean to be rude, but if Santa doesn’t strip out of that big red winter suit anytime soon, he might as well be rushed to the hospital for heatstroke. That, or sweating like hell.

14. Seems like the gingerbread man and his girlfriend have enjoyed a great time in the witch’s oven from Hansel and Gretel?

Gingerbread people seem surprisingly nonchalant about being baked alive! Seriously, what kind of sick and twisted person think this would make a great Christmas decoration? It seems more likely to give kids nightmares.

Gingerbread people seem surprisingly nonchalant about being baked alive! Seriously, what kind of sick and twisted person think this would make a great Christmas decoration? It seems more likely to give kids nightmares.

15. Merry Christmas from this Cowboy Penguin.

Now cute as this decoration may be, we must understand that penguins usually live in the Southern Hemisphere with the northernmost ones residing in the Galapagos Islands. And I'm sure that cowboys have little-or-nothing to do with Christmas either. So a penguin cowboy Christmas decoration would more or less make better sense in Chile where it's summer.

Now cute as this decoration may be, we must understand that penguins usually live in the Southern Hemisphere with the northernmost ones residing in the Galapagos Islands. And I’m sure that cowboys have little-or-nothing to do with Christmas either. So a penguin cowboy Christmas decoration would more or less make better sense in Chile or Australia where it’s summer.

16. Looks like it’s Casino Night at the North Pole.

Sorry, kids, but none of you are getting presents this year because Santa's got a gambling problem and needs to pay his loanshark bookies.

Sorry, kids, but none of you are getting presents this year because Santa’s got a gambling problem and needs to pay his loanshark bookies.

17. Santa Claus enjoys his vacation with a penguin in a hula skirt?

From the Huffington Post,

From the Huffington Post, “Surprisingly, global warming is welcomed by Santa and his… hula penguins.” Need I say more. Also, at least Santa has his shirt on.

18. Santa’s ability to withstand chimney fires made him the perfect recruit for the fire department or something.

Then again, there are a lot of firefighters out there who do look like Santa Claus. I mean a lot of firefighters I've seen do tend to be obese and may have white beards.

Then again, there are a lot of firefighters out there who do look like Santa Claus. I mean a lot of firefighters I’ve seen do tend to be obese and may have white beards.

19. My, my, so Grandma did get run over by a reindeer after all. Except that Santa wasn’t responsible.

And when we mean

And when we mean “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” we mean she was run over by one operating a steam roller. Still, first vehicular manslaughter and now this? What’s Santa doing to these reindeer?

20. Seems like Santa Claus is a badass biker dude on his motorcycle.

Keep in mind that a motorcycle holds way fewer presents than a sleigh and the insurance is higher. Also, wasn't there a Six Feet Under episode in which a mall Santa got hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle? The biker funeral episode is perhaps one of the best of the series but those kids will be in therapy for life.

Keep in mind that a motorcycle holds way fewer presents than a sleigh and the insurance is higher. Also, wasn’t there a Six Feet Under episode in which a mall Santa got hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle? The biker funeral episode is perhaps one of the best of the series but those kids will be in therapy for life.

21. Man, it seems that these penguins are certainly getting along with the polar bear.

Still, we have to acknowledge that penguins don't live in the North Pole and even if they did, they'd certainly not get along with polar bears. In fact, the polar bear would certainly eat them.

Still, we have to acknowledge that penguins don’t live in the North Pole and even if they did, they’d certainly not get along with polar bears. In fact, the polar bear would certainly eat them.

22. Seems like Santa has ditched the sleigh and replaced it with a chopper.

Man, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the reindeer being out of work. Also, what's Rudolph to do with his red nose now that he's unemployed?

Man, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with the reindeer being out of work. Also, what’s Rudolph to do with his red nose now that he’s unemployed?

23. Think of it as Christmas meets Stagecoach.

So does this mean that Santa is taking these penguins back to the Southern Hemisphere where they belong? If not, then where?

So does this mean that Santa is taking these penguins back to the Southern Hemisphere where they belong? If not, then where?

24. Man, Santa should really watch where to put that big ass of his.

Still, I hope that elf gets better by next Christmas in the North Pole hospital's intensive care unit. He's going to need it as well as go to the North Pole physical rehabilitation center afterwards.

Still, I hope that elf gets better by next Christmas in the North Pole hospital’s intensive care unit. He’s going to need it as well as go to the North Pole physical rehabilitation center afterwards.

25. Ahoy, mateys, step right aboard on Santa’s pirate ship.

Wait a minute, Santa gives presents to children, not take away cargo and other items from merchant ships! Then again, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors. Still, why does this even exist?

Wait a minute, Santa gives presents to children, not take away cargo and other items from merchant ships! Then again, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors. Still, why does this even exist?

26. Merry Christmas from the 9 foot mutant penguin spreading holiday cheer.

Wait a minute, isn't the idea of a 9ft tall penguin something from a nightmare? Still, why does this thing exist?

Wait a minute, isn’t the idea of a 9ft tall penguin something from a nightmare? Still, why does this thing exist?

27. Looks like this reindeer is hunting from a tree with a ladder.

Since December is deer hunting season, it's hard to tell whether this one is hunting for his own kind, trying to protect himself, or both. Either way, there's something very wrong with this.

Since December is deer hunting season, it’s hard to tell whether this one is hunting for his own kind, trying to protect himself, or both. Either way, there’s something very wrong with this.

28. Okay, so maybe Santa Claus can’t withstand all chimney fires.

Santa should be lucky that Dasher was able to get a hold of the sleigh fire extinguisher and put out the flames in time. Sadly, Santa didn't have a spare pair of pants and had to spend the rest of the night giving presents to kids with his rear end exposed.

Santa should be lucky that Dasher was able to get a hold of the sleigh fire extinguisher and put out the flames in time. Sadly, Santa didn’t have a spare pair of pants and had to spend the rest of the night giving presents to kids with his rear end exposed.

29. Just two reindeer roasting marshmallows at the campfire while Santa sleeps in his tent.

Since how does Santa ever have time to go camping with his reindeer? Also, isn't he supposed to be making toys this time of year?

Since how does Santa ever have time to go camping with his reindeer? Also, isn’t he supposed to be making toys this time of year?

30. So to commemorate the holiday season, Spongebob Squarepants decided to through some disgusting mutilation to make himself look like a Christmas tree.

Now this is bound to give Spongebob's youngest fans nightmares. Yet, I hope he gets back into shape after the holidays.

Now this is bound to give Spongebob’s youngest fans nightmares. Yet, I hope he gets back into shape after the holidays. Still, he doesn’t seem remarkably disturbed by looking like a Christmas tree.

31. Hello, and welcome to Santa’s Snack Shack.

Well, if you want a new Xbox for Christmas, Santa has to pay for it somehow. Those presents don't pay for themselves, kiddo.

Well, if you want a new Xbox for Christmas, Santa has to pay for it somehow. Those presents don’t pay for themselves, kiddo.

32. Seems like Santa really enjoys riding on his quad runner ATV.

Seriously, those things are basically gas guzzing four wheeled motorcycles. Besides, I'm sure they're not cheap either and make lots of unnecessary noise. Not to mention, Santa seems just way too cool for those.

Seriously, those things are basically gas guzzing four wheeled motorcycles. Besides, I’m sure they’re not cheap either and make lots of unnecessary noise. Not to mention, Santa seems just way too cool for those.

33. Fuel up, elves, because Santa needs to take a pit stop.

Santa, this seems too dangerous for you! You don't want to wreck on the racetrack don't you? Still, why does this thing exist for God's sake?

Santa, this seems too dangerous for you! You don’t want to wreck on the racetrack don’t you? Still, why does this thing exist for God’s sake?

34. During the summer, Santa and Rudolph take gigs as lifeguards on the beach.

From Huffington Post:

From Huffington Post: “We get that sometimes people have to take lifeguarding gigs in the summer, but SANTA? Really?” Still, I could understand Rudolph but I’m not sure if reindeer know how to swim.

35. Looks like Frosty the snowman has opened up a new popcorn stand.

So how does Frosty manage to scoop up the popcorn from the machine without melting his hand? I mean it takes a lot of heat to make popcorn pop doesn't it? Perhaps Frosty should just stick to selling ice cream instead.

So how does Frosty manage to scoop up the popcorn from the machine without melting his hand? I mean it takes a lot of heat to make popcorn pop doesn’t it? Perhaps Frosty should just stick to selling ice cream instead.

36. Frosty the Snowman takes his penguin pal for a ride on his new ride.

Uh, doesn't it get hot when you turn on a motorcycle? I mean people wear leather jackets on them for a reason. Still, it's a wonder Frosty is able to retain shape while riding one.

Uh, doesn’t it get hot when you turn on a motorcycle? I mean people wear leather jackets on them for a reason. Still, it’s a wonder Frosty is able to retain shape while riding one.

37. Nothing says Christmas like your very own Christmas cactus.

Wait a minute, cacti live in warm desert climates, not in places with snow. Also, they aren't things you want to decorate because of their needles. Not to mention, I'm not sure if a cactus has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever.

Wait a minute, cacti live in warm desert climates, not in places with snow. Also, they aren’t things you want to decorate because of their needles. Not to mention, I’m not sure if a cactus has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever.

38. Of course, even Santa has times when you gotta go, you gotta go.

For God's sake, Santa, pull your pants up, will you? Nobody wants to see your naked ass this holiday season! God almighty, why does this even exist?

For God’s sake, Santa, pull your pants up, will you? Nobody wants to see your naked ass this holiday season! God almighty, why does this even exist?

39. Behold, a neon dancing Santa Claus.

Man, Santa seems to have lost a lot of weight since he started working out more at the North Pole gym.

Man, Santa seems to have lost a lot of weight since he started working out more at the North Pole gym.

40. Since his sleigh is now in the shop on Christmas Eve, Santa now delivers presents on his new 8-wheeler trailer truck.

Of course, there are plenty of truckers who look like Santa Claus so maybe Saint Nick is onto something here. Still, I bet the reindeer aren't too happy being unemployed though.

Of course, there are plenty of truckers who look like Santa Claus so maybe Saint Nick is onto something here. Still, I bet the reindeer aren’t too happy being unemployed though. And I’m sure that truck is a gas guzzler for sure.

41. Looks like the sleigh has run out of gas.

Wait a minute doesn't reindeer transport prevent the need for Santa to stop at a gas station? Also, even if the sleigh were powered, wouldn't run on some kind of alternative fuel source like magic?

Wait a minute doesn’t reindeer transport prevent the need for Santa to stop at a gas station? Also, even if the sleigh were powered, wouldn’t run on some kind of alternative fuel source like magic?

42. Of course, Darth Vader knows what you’re getting for Christmas since he can feel your presents.

Now I'm not sure Darth Vader would make an appropriate Christmas decoration mainly because he blew up his daughter's planet and froze her boyfriend in carbonite before handing him over a bounty hunter, cut off his son's hand, killed his mentor, and force choked his employees. Yeah, I'm sure this Star Wars villain is on the Dark Side of the Force.

Now I’m not sure Darth Vader would make an appropriate Christmas decoration mainly because he blew up his daughter’s planet and froze her boyfriend in carbonite before handing him over a bounty hunter, cut off his son’s hand, killed his mentor, and force choked his employees. Yeah, I’m sure this Star Wars villain is on the Dark Side of the Force and you wouldn’t want this man to be your father. Definitely not a character who fits the Christmas spirit.

43. Looks like Santa had a little accident with his sleigh.

Perhaps we should concede that Santa Claus probably isn't the best driver as far as reindeer pulled sleighs are concerned. Still, I wonder if he has accidents every year or just once in a blue moon.

Perhaps we should concede that Santa Claus probably isn’t the best driver as far as reindeer pulled sleighs are concerned. Still, I wonder if he has accidents every year or just once in a blue moon.

44. Looks like a polar bear got his tongue stuck at the North Pole during the ugly sweater party.

Of course, we should all know that the elf talked the polar bear into it. Guess he ain't getting any presents this year. Still, I'm sure the bear isn't going to be happy once Santa sorts things out.

Of course, we should all know that the elf talked the polar bear into it. Guess he ain’t getting any presents this year. Still, I’m sure the bear isn’t going to be happy once Santa sorts things out.

45. Since reindeer tend to be too much trouble, Santa decided to deliver presents via dump truck.

I'm sure this doesn't bode well with the quality of toys this year. Still, I think he should give the reindeer their jobs back before they go on strike for higher pay.

I’m sure this doesn’t bode well with the quality of toys this year. Still, I think he should give the reindeer their jobs back before they go on strike for higher pay.

46. Man, it’s so cold out, I swear the snowmen and penguins are shivering.

I can understand the penguins since they might freeze to death during Antarctic winters. But the snowman? C'mon, it's made out of snow.

I can understand the penguins since they might freeze to death during Antarctic winters. But the snowman? C’mon, it’s made out of snow.

47. Merry Christmas from your local neighborhood Spiderman.

Sorry, that Santa couldn't go on his rounds this year. So you'll have to make do with Spiderman. Sure he has no sleigh and reindeer, but he can swing house to house with his web.

Sorry, that Santa couldn’t go on his rounds this year. So you’ll have to make do with Spiderman. Sure he has no sleigh and reindeer, but he can swing house to house with his web.

48. It’s great fun at the North Pole on Santa’s party barge.

Let's hope nobody drinks too much eggnog, especially Captain Santa. Then again, I might watch out for the polar bear, too.

Let’s hope nobody drinks too much eggnog, especially Captain Santa. Then again, I might watch out for the polar bear, too.

49. Some fish wants to give Santa a present.

Now this absolutely makes no sense to me. I mean Santa was about to catch that fish wit intent to have it for dinner. But both seem quite cheerful for some reason.

Now this absolutely makes no sense to me. I mean Santa was about to catch that fish wit intent to have it for dinner. But both seem quite cheerful for some reason.

50. Merry Christmas from Spiderman as he scales up his wall.

Uh, spidey, are you sure you're going to do fine with that sack? Looks a bit heavy. Hope you don't break your back. Also, you might want to give the job to Superman. Or Ironman.

Uh, spidey, are you sure you’re going to do fine with that sack? Looks a bit heavy. Hope you don’t break your back. Also, you might want to give the job to Superman. Or Ironman.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Christmas Vintage Advertising of Yesterday

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

American Cyanamid Co - 19491224 Post

In the wake of the Black Friday cavalcade (as well as the fact I have to get up incredibly early to work a 10 hour shift starting at 6 a. m., don’t ask for I’m not looking forward to it), it’s no surprise that every family in the United States is receiving a shit load of Christmas shopping ads in their newspapers. Let’s face it, once Halloween is over, chances are, you’re going to find Christmas advertising everywhere. And even in the stores, you can hear Christmas songs coming from the speakers non-stop as well as on some of the radio stations. Nevertheless, Christmas advertising has always been a holiday tradition in America since, well, longer than we’d like to admit. Still, while we tend to have some nostalgia for the ads we imagine as wholesome and family friendly, there are some ads that haven’t really aged well. And some of them may even contain a few disturbing implications as well as be unintentionally dirty and funny. I could go on and on about the nicer cutesy ads but chances are you’d be more inclined for the demented ones. So without further adieu, here are some of the most messed up vintage ads for your viewing pleasure.

1. “Every B. V. D. garment must satisfy completely” in threesomes.

I know this is an underwear ad but these two guys seem to be oddly happy for some reason. And I don't think it has anything to do with the packages.

I know this is an underwear ad but these two guys seem to be oddly happy for some reason. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the packages. Still, since its the 1950s, she’s totally not going to bed with both of them. Yeah right.

2. For the kids, Santa brings their very own toy multi-clip machine gun?

Yeah, I'm sure every young kid wants their very own toy machine gun for Christmas. Did Santa try to make sure that their parents weren't part of some pacifist religion first? Still, I hope this ad wasn't out during a time of war.

Yeah, I’m sure every young kid wants their very own toy machine gun for Christmas. Did Santa try to make sure that their parents weren’t part of some pacifist religion first? Still, I hope this ad wasn’t out during a time of war.

3. Sad that your sister’s boyfriend doesn’t see her anymore, then Santa thinks she must have bad breath.

Let's dissect the situation: 1. Dan leaves Big Sis. He won’t say why. He just vanishes, leaving Big Sis a sniveling shell of her former self. 2. Big Sis’ loneliness and inner anguish is so palpable it prompts Little Sis to go to Santa for help. 3. Santa tells the child it’s all about her sister’s nauseating dragon breath. He says to get her to the dentist to quell the disgusting stench. 4. The dentist tells Big Sis that she’s got ass breath, and may actually need to brush her teeth on occasion. She does, and the shallowest boyfriend in history returns. Talk about Santa and Dan being selfish assholes.

Let’s dissect the situation:
1. Dan leaves Big Sis. He won’t say why. He just vanishes, leaving Big Sis a sniveling shell of her former self.
2. Big Sis’ loneliness and inner anguish is so palpable it prompts Little Sis to go to Santa for help.
3. Santa tells the child it’s all about her sister’s nauseating dragon breath. He says to get her to the dentist to quell the disgusting stench.
4. The dentist tells Big Sis that she’s got ass breath, and may actually need to brush her teeth on occasion. She does, and the shallowest boyfriend in history returns.
Talk about Santa and Dan being selfish assholes.

4. Make this Christmas “the best ever” for every boy. Give them a gun.

Seriously, real firearms make terrible Christmas gifts for children. I'm not sure if puppies are any better. Still, better to give your son a Rough Ridge BB Bun than anything that could actually kill people. Worst thing he could do with a BB Gun is shoot his eye out.

Seriously, real firearms make terrible Christmas gifts for children. I’m not sure if puppies are any better. Still, better to give your son a Rough Ridge BB Bun than anything that could actually kill people. Worst thing he could do with a BB Gun is shoot his eye out.

5. Good, golly, look what Santa brought for Christmas! Hand shoes!

Either that, or Susie can finally attempt a new trick she learned from gymnastics. Still, the way the girl has those slippers on her hands is kind of disturbing.

Either that, or Susie can finally attempt a new trick she learned from gymnastics. Still, the way the girl has those slippers on her hands is kind of disturbing.

6. Bicycles: the best gift for any Christmas.

This girl is probably thinking: "The sooner Dalton starts riding this bicycle, the sooner I get his money. Nah-ha, ha, ha!" Yes, I don't think this girl is up to any good and almost seems like she wants to strangle the guy in the chair.

This girl is probably thinking: “The sooner Dalton starts riding this bicycle, the sooner I get his money. Nah-ha, ha, ha!” Yes, I don’t think this girl is up to any good and almost seems like she wants to strangle the guy in the chair.

7. Buster Brown Shoes: The gift that insures shapely, healthy feet-for life. Can’t say much about the guy’s face.

Seriously, what's with the guy's face? Looks like as if he's been hit by some horse cart a few years back. Of course, it's a shame his parents can't afford to get him some plastic restoration surgery.

Seriously, what’s with the guy’s face? Looks like as if he’s been hit by some horse cart a few years back. Of course, it’s a shame his parents can’t afford to get him some plastic restoration surgery.

8. For Christmas-give her leisure-with a vacuum cleaner.

No way in hell would I consider a getting a vacuum leisure on my part. Rather it's just a mechanism used to clean floors that make a lot of noise you can't get away from. God, if I got one, the one who gave it to me will be sent to the ER.

No way in hell would I consider a getting a vacuum leisure on my part. Rather it’s just a mechanism used to clean floors that make a lot of noise you can’t get away from. God, if I got one, the one who gave it to me will be sent to the ER.

9. Santa Claus’s daughter gets the best time of all from her father.

Wait a minute, Santa Claus has a daughter? I thought he and Mrs. Claus never had any kids. Still, how would Santa's kids ever have a normal life? How would Santa manage to give gifts to all the girls and boys as well as make it to all to those PTA meetings?

Wait a minute, Santa Claus has a daughter? I thought he and Mrs. Claus never had any kids. Still, how would Santa’s kids ever have a normal life? How would Santa manage to give gifts to all the girls and boys as well as make it to all to those PTA meetings?

10. Give her the gift of stockings and she’ll give you a moment of exhibitionism.

Man, seems like Santa is watching this woman trying on her new stockings. So is the old guy peeking from the door. Basically this ad is saying that all men are perverts. Even Santa Claus.

Man, seems like Santa is watching this woman trying on her new stockings. So is the old guy peeking from the door. Basically this ad is saying that all men are perverts. Even Santa Claus.

11. Get Dove Skin Undies so she could pass out Christmas presents in her underwear.

Dove: putting good looking models in their underwear ads before Victoria's Secret. Still, you have to hand it to Dove that they have the guts to put their models in granny panties.

Dove: putting good looking models in their underwear ads before Victoria’s Secret. Still, you have to hand it to Dove that they have the guts to put their models in granny panties. Also, do those ornaments look like grenades?

12. Since Santa got his new Paris belt, he’s been on vacation and screwing blond chicks.

Yeah, I'm sure I'd find an old guy with a long white beard sexy, especially with a the blond chick next to him who certainly isn't Mrs. Claus. Also, why is Santa smoking a big cigar in the plastic rimmed glasses?

Yeah, I’m sure I’d find an old guy with a long white beard sexy, especially with a the blond chick next to him who certainly isn’t Mrs. Claus. Also, why is Santa smoking a big cigar in the plastic rimmed glasses?

13. Use this Shower Massage by Water Pik or else Santa might kill you.

Hey, I used one of those shower heads for years until perhaps a few years ago. It's been replaced but I'm sure my parents still have it. Still, is Santa naked in this? Now that's what I don't want to see!

Hey, I used one of those shower heads for years until perhaps a few years ago. It’s been replaced but I’m sure my parents still have it. Still, is Santa naked in this? Now that’s what I don’t want to see!

14. “Don’t do it Santa, for God’s sake! Don’t blow yourself up with a blunderbuss!”

Seriously, I'm sure reading Christmas letters may cause Santa a lot of stress. But why depict him in an ad for men's shirt showing him wanting to shoot himself? I'm sure a guy would want a shit for Christmas. Yeah, right.

Seriously, I’m sure reading Christmas letters may cause Santa a lot of stress. But why depict him in an ad for men’s shirt showing him wanting to shoot himself? I’m sure a guy would want a shit for Christmas. Yeah, right.

15. Watch your kids opening their presents, in spandex underwear?

Don't get me wrong, the guy has a nice body. Still, he seems to have a creepy expression on his face, which suggests ill intent. And I don't think those undies are helping him.

Don’t get me wrong, the guy has a nice body. Still, he seems to have a creepy expression on his face, which suggests ill intent. And I don’t think those undies are helping him. At least the authorities have been notified.

16. Beat the Christmas holiday rush, get a tombstone.

Because if you think this might be your last Christmas, why don't you just save your family the financial trouble? Still, I know why a tombstone company might want to advertise during Christmas. January is well known as a great month for the funeral business.

Because if you think this might be your last Christmas, why don’t you just save your family the financial trouble? Still, I know why a tombstone company might want to advertise during Christmas. January is well known as a great month for the funeral business.

17. Celebrate Christmas like our ancestors did, with a flaming wheel.

Now this ad reminds me less of any Christmas carols and more of the Bob Dylan song, "This Wheel's on Fire," with: "This wheel’s on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode!"

Now this ad reminds me less of any Christmas carols and more of the Bob Dylan song, “This Wheel’s on Fire,” with:
“This wheel’s on fire
Rolling down the road
Best notify my next of kin
This wheel shall explode!”

18. Don’t look now, but Santa seems hungry for human flesh and is covering the neighborhood with Christmas lights.

Yes, yes, run from Santa. He needs your soft flesh to nourish him. Run away from those giant strings of Christmas lights. It's a trap. Run, run for your lives.

Yes, yes, run from Santa. He needs your soft flesh to nourish him. Run away from those giant strings of Christmas lights. It’s a trap. Run, run for your lives.

19. Use 7 Up to pack the punch for your Christmas party.

Now I'm sure the guy is certainly too old for the girl in this. And I'm not sure if she's a teenager or not. Still, hope that the punch isn't alcoholic because I don't have a good feeling about this. I mean I could hear, "Baby It's Cold Outside," looking at this ad.

Now I’m sure the guy is certainly too old for the girl in this. And I’m not sure if she’s a teenager or not. Still, hope that the punch isn’t alcoholic because I don’t have a good feeling about this. I mean I could hear, “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” looking at this ad.

20. May all your Alcoa products not only be useful in your home and hobbies but also double as sex toys.

Don't look now but I think things are about to get kinky with the iron and the drill. Sure they may have unusual ways of keeping the spark alive but as Pope Francis said, who are we to judge?

Don’t look now but I think things are about to get kinky with the iron and the drill. Sure they may have unusual ways of keeping the spark alive but as Pope Francis said, who are we to judge?

21. Give a great gift for this Christmas, a set of silk satin one piece pajamas.

Now while these clothes are promoted as pajamas in this ad, they seem to be outfits you'd see Lady Gaga wear during one of her concerts. This is especially with the one with the puffy sleeves and the butterfly.

Now while these clothes are promoted as pajamas in this ad, they seem to be outfits you’d see Lady Gaga wear during one of her concerts. This is especially with the one with the puffy sleeves and the butterfly.

22. Give the gift every sportsman wants for Christmas, a gun.

Yeah, I'm sure a gun would make a great Christmas gift. What the fuck am I saying? Of course, it doesn't! For God's sake, as Christmas gifts, guns are worse than puppies! Jesus Christ, why?

Yeah, I’m sure a gun would make a great Christmas gift. What the fuck am I saying? Of course, it doesn’t! For God’s sake, as Christmas gifts, guns are worse than puppies! Jesus Christ, why?

23. To make it merry, make it Mojud, whatever that is.

Okay, looks like Santa has just picked up some high class hooker in his sleigh as a Christmas present for himself after spending one busy night delivering presents for the good boys and girls. Bad, bad, Santa. Naughty Santa. How dare you cheat on Mrs. Claus!

Okay, looks like Santa has just picked up some high class hooker in his sleigh as a Christmas present for himself after spending one busy night delivering presents for the good boys and girls. Bad, bad, Santa. Naughty Santa. How dare you cheat on Mrs. Claus!

24. Make Christmas from the Chess King with a Santa dressed girl on his side and his sleigh being pulled by a couple of pegacorns.

Now this resembles nothing more than a cheesy hair band Christmas album cover from the 1980s or some fantasy Christmas Harlequin romance novel cover. Still, couldn't resist including this one since it's just so 1980s cheesy.

Now this resembles nothing more than a cheesy hair band Christmas album cover from the 1980s or some fantasy Christmas Harlequin romance novel cover. Still, couldn’t resist including this one since it’s just so 1980s cheesy.

25. Seems like Santa approves of these women’s pants, so get them.

I don't know about you, but is Santa checking these women out for some reason? Also, I don't think he's looking at their legs. What a perv.

I don’t know about you, but is Santa checking these women out for some reason? Also, I don’t think he’s looking at their legs. What a perv. And this from Macy’s good God. I work there.

26. Even Mrs. Claus wants a new ironing table, which Santa will get her.

Wait a minute, that's Mrs. Claus? Isn't she supposed to be a more chunky old lady like Santa? Then again, this woman may be known as the "second Mrs. Claus" who Santa ditched the first one for. Poor woman. Still, I don't like the look on his face in this ad. Guess the wife owes him something more of the carnal variety.

Wait a minute, that’s Mrs. Claus? Isn’t she supposed to be a more chunky old lady like Santa? Then again, this woman may be known as the “second Mrs. Claus” who Santa ditched the first one for. Poor woman. Still, I don’t like the look on his face in this ad. Guess the wife owes him something more of the carnal variety.

27. To merry people everywhere, drink Pepsi because Coke is for losers.

Since Marjorie couldn't stand the feel of those ugly Christmas sweaters for the ugly holiday sweater party at his folks house, Jerry decided to give her one of the most hideous holiday lady hats he could find. And yes, that Christmas tree hat is dreadful.

Since Marjorie couldn’t stand the feel of those ugly Christmas sweaters for the ugly holiday sweater party at his folks house, Jerry decided to give her one of the most hideous holiday lady hats he could find. And yes, that Christmas tree hat is dreadful but she loves it.

28. “And please, Santa, give Mommy a Hoover.”

I don't know about you but I suspect something sketchy about this Santa Claus. I mean he seems more like he's about to burst into a homicidal rampage than give presents to kids.

I don’t know about you but I suspect something sketchy about this Santa Claus. I mean he seems more like he’s about to burst into a homicidal rampage than give presents to kids.

29. Buy a scale which is a beautiful way of saying “Merry Christmas.”

Seriously, all that giving your loved one a scale for Christmas is like a covert way of saying, "You're fat." Let's just say nobody wants to get a scale for Christmas. Not ever. For Christ's sake, what the fuck?

Seriously, all that giving your loved one a scale for Christmas is like a covert way of saying, “I think you’re fat so hop to it, chunky lugs.” Let’s just say nobody wants to get a scale for Christmas. Not ever. For Christ’s sake, what the fuck?

30. Get one of those Everready flashlights so Santa can see the kiddies while they’re sleeping.

Now I don't know about you but this ad tends to make the idea of Santa with a flashlight quite terrifying. This is especially so since he's holding it near his crotch.

Now I don’t know about you but this ad tends to make the idea of Santa with a flashlight quite terrifying. This is especially so since he’s holding it near his crotch.

31. Of course, Santa is real and we are all his puppets.

This is an ad for Weatherman's Fountain Pen. Still, it's pretty disturbing having all those people connected to Santa through wires on their bodies. So Santa is the ultimate puppetmeister.

This is an ad for Weatherman’s Fountain Pen. Still, it’s pretty disturbing having all those people connected to Santa through wires on their bodies. So Santa is the ultimate puppetmeister.

32. Instead of leaving milk with those cookies for Santa, why don’t you just give him a bottle of Jack Daniels?

Of course, this ad may explain why some young girls received a jockstrap for Christmas and why some boys got a set of cosmetics by Estee Lauder. Yes, Santa was drunk off his ass on Christmas Eve so he sometimes doesn't get the list demands straight.

Of course, this ad may explain why some young girls received a jockstrap for Christmas and why some boys got a set of cosmetics by Estee Lauder. Yes, Santa was drunk off his ass on Christmas Eve so he sometimes doesn’t get the list demands straight.

33. Whenever Santa Claus makes his visits, he usually smokes Lucky Strikes.

Sure you may have to be good to get presents from Santa, this doesn't mean Santa Claus has to be a great role model. Still, Lucky Strikes were known not to contain filters as well as give you lungs full of tar and an early death.

Sure you may have to be good to get presents from Santa, this doesn’t mean Santa Claus has to be a great role model. Still, Lucky Strikes were known not to contain filters as well as give you lungs full of tar and an early death.

34. Nothing says Christmas like boys playing with trains in their underwear.

I don't know about you but are there anything skeevy about this. My God, this is sick. Only weird boys played with toy trains in their undies whether they be boxers or tidy whiteys.

I don’t know about you but are there anything skeevy about this. My God, this is sick. Only weird boys played with toy trains in their undies whether they be boxers or tidy whiteys.

35. Santa says that Pall Mall cigarettes guard against throat scratch.

Yes, but side effects include yellow skin, yellow teeth, cancer, emphysema, COPD, cardiovascular disease, and early death. Also, bad, bad, Santa.

Yes, but side effects include yellow skin, yellow teeth, cancer, emphysema, COPD, cardiovascular disease, and early death. Also, bad, bad, Santa.

36. An Apple computer allows Santa and his elves handle the list much easier.

Now I don't know about you but Santa kind of terrifies me in this one with his large eyes of death staring at the elves. Also, those elves kind of look like creepy lawn ornaments.

Now I don’t know about you but Santa kind of terrifies me in this one with his large eyes of death staring at the elves. Also, those elves kind of look like creepy lawn ornaments.

37. Give your loved one a pair of good ol’ reliable Golden Boots.

Is that supposed to be Santa or some kind of mythological fur covered Sasquatch hybrid. Or perhaps he's some kind of mountain man who's been up in the woods far too long. Either way, that guy is sure to haunt my dreams.

Is that supposed to be Santa or some kind of mythological fur covered Sasquatch hybrid. Or perhaps he’s some kind of mountain man who’s been up in the woods far too long. Either way, that guy is sure to haunt my dreams.

38. Don’t forget to decorate the outside of your house with Noma Lights.

I don't know about you but that happy kid in the Santa suit seems like he's about to use one of those lights to blow up your house. And he doesn't seem to have any remorse for it.

I don’t know about you but that happy kid in the Santa suit seems like he’s about to use one of those lights to blow up your house. And he doesn’t seem to have any remorse for it. Why do these kids in these ads look so creepy?

39. Spoon tree decorations, now I haven’t seen that before.

If I went to a house where I found a Christmas tree covered with silver spoons, I'd think is this person on drugs? or I wonder what nuthouse these people came from.

If I went to a house where I found a Christmas tree covered with silver spoons, I’d think is this person on drugs? or I wonder what nuthouse these people came from.

40. Fellas, get a Gem Razor and Blades for your face and your girlfriend will let you stare at her large boobs for as long as you like.

Sure she's looking at his handsome face while he's staring at her well endowed bosom. Guess this fellow is getting laid tonight.

Sure she’s looking at his handsome face while he’s staring at her well endowed bosom. Guess this fellow is getting laid tonight.

41. For your kids, get them a set of Christmas Morning Hero Underoos.

I don't know about you but I don't think having kids in their underwear pose with Santa is entirely appropriate. Seriously, who the hell thought that this photo op was a good idea?

I don’t know about you but I don’t think having kids in their underwear pose with Santa is entirely appropriate. Seriously, who the hell thought that this photo op was a good idea?

42. Make Budweiser the beer to drink for this holiday season.

I'm sure this night will soon to degenerate with, "I really can't stay." "But, baby, is cold outside." "I got to go home." "But, baby, it's cold outside." I guess you can figure it out from there.

I’m sure this night will soon to degenerate with, “I really can’t stay.”
“But, baby, is cold outside.”
“I got to go home.”
“But, baby, it’s cold outside.” I guess you can figure it out from there.

43. Make this Christmas the happiest for your family with color TV.

Because why have those creepy clowns give you nightmares in black and white while they can scare the bejesus out of you in color? Like in the circus.

Because why have those creepy clowns give you nightmares in black and white while they can scare the bejesus out of you in color? Like in the circus.

44. Hey, look, here’s Santa Claus drinking a bottle of Coca Cola with his sidekick Sprite Boy.

Now Sprite Boy was this bottle cap wearing goddamn evil albino child who's clearly asking you, the viewer to be complicit in the murder of Santa Claus by not warning him of the demon awaiting in the darkness behind. That demon? Diabetus.

Now Sprite Boy was this terrifying bottle cap wearing goddamn evil albino child who’s clearly asking you, the viewer to be complicit in the murder of Santa Claus by not Swarning him of the demon awaiting in the darkness behind. That demon? Diabetus.

45. So you see, kids, this Zippo lighter always works as well would make a perfect present for your chain smoking dad.

I'm sure demonstrating a cigarette lighter in front of the kids is a perfectly good idea. I'm the children won't be getting ideas about setting their house on fire. Yeah right.

I’m sure demonstrating a cigarette lighter in front of the kids is a perfectly good idea. I’m the children won’t be getting ideas about setting their house on fire. Yeah right.

46. Share your home movies with this Revere movie projector.

"This is the part where I murdered our neighbor Bobby for being an asshole and not returning my tools. Let's just say, I whacked him on the head with the shovel, dismembered is body, and spread his parts all over the lawn so his dogs might eat it. And my wife, Helen filmed the whole thing. It's great family fun."

“This is the part where I murdered our neighbor Bobby for being an asshole and not returning my tools. Let’s just say, I whacked him on the head with the shovel, dismembered is body, and spread his parts all over the lawn so his dogs might eat it. And my wife, Helen filmed the whole thing. It’s great family fun.”

47. Whenever Santa goes on his sleigh, he always has a sack full of Boswell’s Ale and Porter.

I don't know about you but it seems that Santa Claus might have some alcohol dependency issues. I mean he has a sack full of booze and I know you can't give children that.

I don’t know about you but it seems that Santa Claus might have some alcohol dependency issues. I mean he has a sack full of booze and I know you can’t give children that.

48. O-o-oh, Santa, I just love that Micosheen shine!

I’ll have Cracked explain this situation, “There are three possible scenarios on display here:
1. Santa is so scandalized that he took his own life rather than endure another moment of gazing at the demon breasts. 2. The woman is extremely turned on by crime scenes and snuck into Santa’s suicide to rub one out. 3. Santa is so sexually jaded that the only way he can get off is to watch a woman satisfy herself with gargantuan, ornate cast-iron dildos while he practices autoerotic asphyxiation.” Still, how could anyone ever explain the situation to the Mrs. Claus? And yes, the ad is pixelated on the company’s website. Guess that woman’s see through nightie has a habit of getting men in red suits too excited for some reason. And this one is from 1956.

49. Wake up your husband Christmas morning with a Klaxon.

I know that whatever's under the covers is supposed to be feet. Yet, I can't help but wonder if the Klaxon horn could also be used to stop erections at inappropriate moments.

I know that whatever’s under the covers is supposed to be feet. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if the Klaxon horn could also be used to stop erections at inappropriate moments.

50. Cigarettes: a great gift for every adult on your Christmas list.

Yes, why keep all the tobacco related health problems to yourself while you can pass it onto all your friends in the car as well as your black driver's who's been asking you for a raise for months?

Yes, why keep all the tobacco related health problems to yourself while you can pass it onto all your friends in the car as well as your black driver’s who’s been asking you for a raise for months?

51. An extension phone saves you everyday effort so you can enjoy the holiday fun.

"I don't think I have the time to hide the body with you today, Dolores. But I'm sure we can dump your brother Phil in the dumpster next Saturday. Tommy wants to take the kids Christmas shopping that day so I'll have the place to myself."

“I don’t think I have the time to hide the body with you today, Dolores. But I’m sure we can dump your brother Phil in the dumpster next Saturday. Tommy wants to take the kids Christmas shopping that day so I’ll have the place to myself.”

52. Isn’t that special? Bing Crosby trims a “Friendship Tree.”

Of course, Bing Crosby is also known to be one of the shittiest parents in Hollywood said to be cold, cruel, remote as well as physically and emotionally abusive to his four sons from his first marriage (this is disputed within his own family though). Also, left them out of getting any money until they reached 65.

Of course, Bing Crosby is also known to be one of the shittiest parents in Hollywood said to be cold, cruel, remote as well as physically and emotionally abusive to his four sons from his first marriage (this is disputed within his own family though). Also, left them out of getting any money until they reached 65. Also, Christmas cards are quite flammable.

53. Help yourself to good taste with Budweiser.

Hey, I didn't know that Santa Claus was quite the chef in the North Pole kitchen. Always thought Mrs. Claus did the cooking and she mostly made cookies like you'd expect.

Hey, I didn’t know that Santa Claus was quite the chef in the North Pole kitchen. Always thought Mrs. Claus did the cooking and she mostly made cookies like you’d expect. Maybe Santa’s healthier than most people expect.

54. Bless your hearth by putting Necco in your kids’ stockings.

Look, I put this candy among the items trick or treaters don't want to get for Halloween. So if your child doesn't like to receive Neccos in his Halloween treat bag, then he wouldn't want one in his Christmas stocking.

Look, I put this candy among the items trick or treaters don’t want to get for Halloween. So if your child doesn’t like to receive Neccos in his Halloween treat bag, then he wouldn’t want one in his Christmas stocking.

55. Get these Atkins saws so you may cut a cow’s head off.

Seriously, what's the deal with putting cows in an ad for a saw? It makes who ever receives the saw seem psychotic. Still, if any child receives this, then he's bound to kill animals and you want your brat to have the best, don't you?

Seriously, what’s the deal with putting cows in an ad for a saw? It makes who ever receives the saw seem psychotic. Still, if any child receives this, then he’s bound to kill animals and you want your brat to have the best, don’t you? I’m sure Pam Voorhes gave a similar gift to her son Jason.

56. These Christmas decorations will give you a barrel of good cheer this holiday season.

All I have to ask is this, what the hell happened to Santa's clothes? I mean he's wearing a barrel! Still, I don't want to see a naked Santa, please.

All I have to ask is this, what the hell happened to Santa’s clothes? I mean he’s wearing a barrel! Still, I don’t want to see a naked Santa, please.

57. For Christmas, treat yourself to these flaming ice cream snowballs.

I wonder how these ice cream balls manage to retain their shape while the candle is still in them. I mean I'd expect the ice cream to melt near a source of heat, would I? Also, fire is dangerous, especially near children.

I wonder how these ice cream balls manage to retain their shape while the candle is still in them. I mean I’d expect the ice cream to melt near a source of heat, would I? Also, fire is dangerous, especially near children.

58. Now here’s Santa enjoying a Coke near a Christmas train set.

Seems like the local Toyland police have finally caught up with him. I'm sure these pilots' fates won't be pretty.

Seems like the local Toyland police have finally caught up with him. I’m sure these pilots’ fates won’t be pretty.

59. Merry Christmas, from the Santa’s bell hop assistant, the Phillip Morris delivery boy.

Now it's one thing for Santa to be on tobacco ads for the Christmas season. But at least Santa Claus is an adult. Yet, having a kid advertise for tobacco, well, that's just incredibly disturbing. Also, that boy is rather terrifying as if he wants to kill people with lung cancer.

Now it’s one thing for Santa to be on tobacco ads for the Christmas season. But at least Santa Claus is an adult. Yet, having a kid advertise for tobacco, well, that’s just incredibly disturbing. Also, that boy is rather terrifying as if he wants to kill people with lung cancer.

60. Nice to see couples decorating the tree this Christmas.

After the tree decorating is over, I'm sure things between the two are about to get really, really awkward. Hope they just get a room already. Still, this would be a better ad if it was promoting Cialis.

After the tree decorating is over, I’m sure things between the two are about to get really, really awkward. Hope they just get a room already. Still, this would be a better ad if it was promoting Cialis.

61. Ladies, what better gift to give your husband than a month’s supply of Lucky Strikes?

"Don't worry about me, honey, just smoke as much as you want. After all, we have a $100,000 life insurance policy so I'm sure everything's going to be fine."

“Don’t worry about me, honey, just smoke as much as you want. After all, we have a $100,000 life insurance policy so I’m sure everything’s going to be fine.”

62. “Gee, Dad! A Winchester!”

Yes, I'm sure a Winchester makes a great gift for the adolescent teenage boy who seems to be on the brink of starting a homicidal rampage for his own amusement.

Yes, I’m sure a Winchester makes a great gift for the adolescent teenage boy who seems to be on the brink of starting a homicidal rampage for his own amusement. Seriously, guns make horrible Christmas gifts.

63. Nothing says Christmas than plastic wrap.

Yeah, I'm sure that plastic ponchos make a great Christmas gift even if they do look ridiculous. Still, I don't think the housewife seems very happy in this illustration. Yet, I'm sure those materials aren't very good for the environment.

Yeah, I’m sure that plastic ponchos make a great Christmas gift even if they do look ridiculous. Still, I don’t think the housewife seems very happy in this illustration. Yet, I’m sure those materials aren’t very good for the environment.

64. Give your girl the gift of a shaving razor for her legs.

For God's sake, is that mistletoe on her foot? If not, then what the hell is it and who the hell thought that this image would make a good ad idea? Seriously, this is crazy.

For God’s sake, is that mistletoe on her foot? If not, then what the hell is it and who the hell thought that this image would make a good ad idea? Seriously, this is crazy.

65. For the ladies, I’m sure an H & R rifle would do quite nicely.

This woman seems like there's something wrong with her. I mean seeing her hold the gun, it makes me think that she can't contain any excitement to use it, especially toward her mortal enemies.

This woman seems like there’s something wrong with her. I mean seeing her hold the gun, it makes me think that she can’t contain any excitement to use it, especially toward her mortal enemies.

66. If you don’t know what to give to the man in your life, perhaps this gift set would do just fine.

This ad doesn't explicitly say what this set pertains to but I'm sure your man will love it. Believe, me I tried to look up the product and I still don't know if it's a men's grooming set, coffee set, or booze set. Seriously, I don't.

This ad doesn’t explicitly say what this set pertains to but I’m sure your man will love it. Believe, me I tried to look up the product and I still don’t know if it’s a men’s grooming set, coffee set, or booze set. Seriously, I don’t.

67. Santa comes bearing a gift that keeps on giving: Swiss Army Knives.

And it seems that Santa is so overexcited about giving them away as if he's saying, "Hey, kiddies, why don't you take a look at this?"

And it seems that Santa is so overexcited about giving them away as if he’s saying, “Hey, kiddies, why don’t you take a look at this?”

68. Places Santa Claus doesn’t visit: Homes with bad kids and places with a leaky faucet.

So, kiddos, remember to tell your parents to check the plumbing before Christmas or else, Santa won't visit you. Yes, the only sound Santa can't stand is leaky pipes.

So, kiddos, remember to tell your parents to check the plumbing before Christmas or else, Santa won’t visit you. Yes, the only sound Santa can’t stand is leaky pipes.

69. What could be nice on Christmas than two dogs sharing an alcoholic drink under the mistletoe?

From the look from the Scottie's face, it seems like things are about to get frisky. Still, remember what Bob Barker always said, "Control the pet population. Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets." Because we all know what would happen if you don't.

From the look from the Scottie’s face, it seems like things are about to get frisky. Still, remember what Bob Barker always said, “Control the pet population. Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.” Because we all know what would happen if you don’t.

70. Remember, fellas, a girl’s best friend is her refrigerator.

So men, be smart this season. Instead of giving your girl the traditional jewelry piece, I'm sure your money would go to better use for appliances. Even though they may cost more than a diamond ring in the long run.

So men, be smart this season. Instead of giving your girl the traditional jewelry piece, I’m sure your money would go to better use for appliances. Even though they may cost more than a diamond ring in the long run. Still, I was only being sarcastic because appliances should really be gifts for the whole family since everyone uses them.

The Wonderful World of Amigurumi

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Amigurumi is the Japanese art of knitting and crocheting small stuffed animals and anthropomorphic creatures. In fact, the word amigurumi itself means, “knitted stuffed doll” in Japanese. Traditionally renderings in such a style tend to be animals but can also include artistic renderings or inanimate objects with anthropomorphic features as is typical Japanese culture. And like a lot of things in Japan, a key characteristic to amigrurumi is cuteness in which figures usually have a round head that’s disproportionally larger than their bodies. Since 2003, amigurumi has become popular to the masses outside its native range that such items are now the most popular pieces. Not only that, but amigurumi figures are being made by people outside Japan as well. And it’s easy to see why. In this post, you will see many amigurumi figures of all shapes and sizes whether it be in the traditional cutesy style, renderings of pop culture aspects, or those having a demented spin that wouldn’t appeal to children. Some will be perfectly appropriate as children’s toys while others, not so much. Nevertheless, for your viewing pleasure, I give you a glimpse into the wonderful world of amigurumi.

1. To kick things off, here’s a nice little crocheted Abominable Snowman.

Now while the one on the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special was quite intimidating, this yeti is more like "the Abomibadorable Snowman" to me.

Now while the one on the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special was quite intimidating, this yeti is more like “the Abombinadorable Snowman” to me.

2. For the girl who believes in fairy tales, here’s amigurumi crocheted princess doll.

Sure she may be a lovely princess but she also seems to be from a more ethnically diverse background than most Disney princesses who are usually white. Let's just say Disney has no Asian, Indian (India), Hispanic, or Polynesian princesses whatsoever.

Sure she may be a lovely princess but she also seems to be from a more ethnically diverse background than most Disney princesses who are usually white. Let’s just say Disney has no Asian, Indian (India), Hispanic, or Polynesian princesses whatsoever.

3. For the redhead girl in all of us, meet Emily.

Now she seems the perfect little doll you'd want to give your niece, daughter, or cousin. Still, if Madeline had a granddaughter, she'd look like this.

Now she seems the perfect little doll you’d want to give your niece, daughter, or cousin. Still, if Madeline had a granddaughter, she’d look like this.

4. Grace your Christmas tree with this cute crocheted angel.

I've seen a lot of angel amigurumi on Google Images. Of course, the biggest disadvantage of having them as a tree topper is that they don't light up. Yet, that may be easily remedied.

I’ve seen a lot of angel amigurumi on Google Images. Of course, the biggest disadvantage of having them as a tree topper is that they don’t light up. Yet, that may be easily remedied.

5. Bunny Norman Bates sure loves his mother if you know what I mean.

Of course, only those who've watched Psycho would get this. Still, keep it away from blonde women in showers, especially in hotels that use taxidermy as decor.

Of course, only those who’ve watched Psycho would get this. Still, keep it away from blonde women in showers, especially in seedy desolate motels in the Southwest US that use taxidermy as decor.

6. As with almost every post on crafts, I’d always have to include one featuring Star Wars.

Playset is only available to those who live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Also, the Han Solo one always shoots first for some reason.

Playset is only available to those who live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Also, the Han Solo one always shoots first for some reason.

7. Now here’s a nice little dark hair doll for a young girl.

Now it seems this one is made with realistic looking hair. Yet, she looks kind of awkward that she lacks a nose and mouth. I mean how does she even eat?

Now it seems this one is made with realistic looking hair. Yet, she looks kind of awkward that she lacks a nose and mouth. I mean how does she even eat?

8. Whether it be for little girls or young men, crocheted My Little Pony toys make the perfect gifts.

Let's just hope these My Little Pony toys go to young girls. I mean the very idea of adult men being into My Little Pony is rather disturbing if you ask me. I mean College Humor made quite a few videos mocking it.

Let’s just hope these My Little Pony toys go to young girls. I mean the very idea of adult men being into My Little Pony is rather disturbing if you ask me. I mean College Humor made quite a few videos mocking it.

9. Now these two sure make a cute couple don’t they?

I see a lot of wedding amigurumi figures as well. Still, while cute, I hope the bride and groom would treasure these forever and not let any of their children play with them. You have no idea what kids can do to toys.

I see a lot of wedding amigurumi figures as well. Still, while cute, I hope the bride and groom would treasure these forever and not let any of their children play with them. You have no idea what kids can do to toys.

10. It’s a pug! It’s a bee! It’s Pugbee!

Now I'm sure it's cute but I can't tell whether it's a mutant from some genetic experiment or a dog in a Halloween costume.

Now I’m sure it’s cute but I can’t tell whether it’s a mutant from some genetic experiment or a dog in a Halloween costume.

11. If your kid is scared of shots, why don’t give him or her this adorable little nurse doll?

Now this nurse won't keep you away from germs but I'm sure she'll make everything feel better. Still, we know nurses nowadays don't wear that stereotypical outfit.

Now this nurse won’t keep you away from germs but I’m sure she’ll make everything feel better. Still, we know nurses nowadays don’t wear that stereotypical outfit.

12. Behold, I give you the Bride of Frankenstein.

Hate to say this but in Bride of Frankenstein, I'm not sure she was green but she was certainly not happy getting matched up with Boris Karloff's character. And while Frankenstein let his creator and wife escape, him and his bride both died.

Hate to say this but in Bride of Frankenstein, I’m not sure she was green but she was certainly not happy getting matched up with Boris Karloff’s character. And while Frankenstein let his creator and wife escape, him and his bride both died.

13. Now this little bunny would make a great Easter decoration or gift.

Of course, this little bunny was certainly inspired by Hello! Kitty. Yet, at least this one isn't as creepy as the costumed Easter Bunnies.

Of course, this little bunny was certainly inspired by Hello! Kitty. Yet, at least this one isn’t as creepy as the costumed Easter Bunnies.

14. Now I suppose that this is one of the cutest little peacocks I’ve ever seen.

Even though this little peacock is a little girl's toy, it's very obvious this little crocheted stuffed animal is a boy. Seriously, peacocks don't lay eggs and are built with such a feathered train to attract peahens.

Even though this little peacock is a little girl’s toy, it’s very obvious this little crocheted stuffed animal is a boy. Seriously, peacocks don’t lay eggs and are built with such a feathered train to attract peahens for mates.

15. These crocheted minons almost look like those from Despicable Me.

Of course, minions are a very popular craft subject in a lot of forms. Perhaps it's because they're so cute an very easy to make.

Of course, minions are a very popular craft subject in a lot of forms. Perhaps it’s because they’re so cute an very easy to make.

16. Now this little panda is simply as adorable as the real thing.

Of course, while pandas are considered cute due to their black and white composition and bear like appearance, they nevertheless are endangered in China. And I'm sure the pollution there doesn't help.

Of course, while pandas are considered cute due to their black and white composition and bear like appearance, they nevertheless are endangered in China. And I’m sure the pollution there doesn’t help.

17. Looks like Pooh and Tigger have been crocheted straight out of the Hundred Acre Wood.

I don't know about you but I think these are almost perfect replicas of the real Disney cartoon characters. Of course, the book illustrations not so much.

I don’t know about you but I think these are almost perfect replicas of the real Disney cartoon characters. Of course, the book illustrations not so much.

18. I’m sure the marshmallows aren’t going to like us making smores.

I'm sure the shaded part is already burned and one of the marshmallows is already dead. And I'm sure the others are fearing an upcoming infernal demise.

I’m sure the shaded part is already burned and one of the marshmallows is already dead. And I’m sure the others are fearing an upcoming infernal demise.

19. There’s a happy face in the cheese pizza.

Let's hope the cutter doesn't do anything to this pizza. Still, I think it's very cute if you know what I mean.

Let’s hope the cutter doesn’t do anything to this pizza. Still, I think it’s very cute if you know what I mean. Of course, I’m sure the cheese and tomato sauce bit isn’t made from yarn.

20. Oh, great, it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

Now this chrocheted marshmallow titan is much cuter and happier than the one in Ghostbusters. Yet, his appearance is one of the great highlights in the film.

Now this chrocheted marshmallow titan is much cuter and happier than the one in Ghostbusters. Yet, his appearance is one of the great highlights in the film.

21. Since Frozen is so popular I’m sure any little girl would want a crocheted stuffed Anna and Elsa doll.

I know that Elsa and Anna didn't have button eyes, but they're so cute just the same. Still, we're sure that every little girl wanted to be Elsa for Halloween this year.

I know that Elsa and Anna didn’t have button eyes, but they’re so cute just the same. Still, we’re sure that every little For girl wanted to be Elsa for Halloween this year that there was even a New Yorker cartoon depicting Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon dressed as her.

22. For breakfast, it’s best that you have your bacon and eggs sunny side up.

Luckily, you don't have your bacon and eggs smile at you in the morning. Else, you might be quite disturbed enough to think twice.

Luckily, you don’t have your bacon and eggs smile at you in the morning. Else, you might be quite disturbed enough to think twice.

23. From the Lord of Hell to a cuddly plush toy, Satan has done it all.

I'm sure this Satan goat doll with bare breasts isn't going to make an appropriate children's toy by any stretch of the imagination. Still, demented but cuddly.

I’m sure this Satan goat doll with bare breasts isn’t going to make an appropriate children’s toy by any stretch of the imagination. Still, demented but cuddly.

24. While Bambi’s mom got shot by hunters, he was cut in sections by a meat cleaver.

For kids who haven't seen Bambi: Don't worry, little ones, contrary to this exhibit, Bambi doesn't die in the movie. Yet, this doesn't stop the film from having other scary moments.

For kids who haven’t seen Bambi: Don’t worry, little ones, contrary to this exhibit, Bambi doesn’t die in the movie. Yet, this doesn’t stop the film from having other scary moments.

25. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

As with Star Wars, I'm sure I've put a lot of Beatles craft renditions on my blog. This one is from the Fab Four years such as you'd see from A Hard Day's Night. You can tell which one is which.

As with Star Wars, I’m sure I’ve put a lot of Beatles craft renditions on my blog. This one is from the Fab Four years such as you’d see from A Hard Day’s Night. You can tell which one is which.

26. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, beauty and the beast.

Now these are adorable renditions of Belle and the Beast. Still, Beauty and the Beast was one of my favorite Disney films as a little girl.

Now these are adorable renditions of Belle and the Beast. Still, Beauty and the Beast was one of my favorite Disney films as a little girl.

27. My I introduce to you: Spongebob Squarepants, Suicide Bomber Under the Sea.

Guess kids shouldn't be watching Spongebob Squarepants. He's probably not a great role model committing acts of terror at the expense of his own life. Man, what were they thinking?

Guess kids shouldn’t be watching Spongebob Squarepants. He’s probably not a great role model committing acts of terror at the expense of his own life. Man, what were they thinking?

28. Looks like Bert couldn’t put up with Ernie’s drinking habits anymore.

So yes, alcohol can ruin lives and relationships, even on Sesame Street. Now Ernie is basically a homeless bum forever begging with change with his rubber duckie in one hand and a bottle of booze in another.

So yes, alcohol can ruin lives and relationships, even on Sesame Street. Now Ernie is basically a homeless bum forever begging with change with his rubber duckie in one hand and a bottle of booze in another.

29. I give you Carrie Bear.

While the Care Bears are relatively nice and usually even tempered, Carrie Bear has telekinetic powers and will certainly make your life hell on earth if you make her snap. Let's just say that dumping red paint on her is a very bad idea, indeed.

While the Care Bears are relatively nice and usually even tempered, Carrie Bear has telekinetic powers and will certainly make your life hell on earth if you make her snap. Let’s just say that dumping red paint on her is a very bad idea, indeed.

30. Nothing embodies the holiday spirit at this time of year than the Pumpkin King, Jack Skellington.

Seems that people can't get enough of Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a masterpiece in animation. Still, you can't really hate Jack Skellington for wanting to do Christmas. Even if he does deliver presents of shrunken heads to children.

Seems that people can’t get enough of Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a masterpiece in animation. Still, you can’t really hate Jack Skellington for wanting to do Christmas. Even if he does deliver presents of shrunken heads to children.

31. Let’s just say being a cojoined sister is tough, especially when entering a convent wasn’t your idea.

Then again, even if one of them didn't want to enter the convent, could you imagine what would it be like if one of them got married?

Then again, even if one of them didn’t want to enter the convent, could you imagine what would it be like if one of them got married?

32. Travel to a whole new world with this crocheted Aladdin and Jasmine amigurumi dolls.

Now that's another movie I used to enjoy as a young girl. Of course, while Aladdin had Abu, Genie, and a magic carpet, Jasmine had her pet tiger Rajah and her senile sultan dad. Still, got to love her yarn hair.

Now that’s another movie I used to enjoy as a young girl. Of course, while Aladdin had Abu, Genie, and a magic carpet, Jasmine had her pet tiger Rajah and her senile sultan dad. Still, got to love her yarn hair.

33. Now these two dolls certainly love to shine and look their best.

Of course, while amigurumi figures are mostly knitted and crocheted, sometimes the clothes aren't as in this case. Still, they're both pretty cute and rather dressy.

Of course, while amigurumi figures are mostly knitted and crocheted, sometimes the clothes aren’t as in this case. Still, they’re both pretty cute and rather dressy.

34. How would you like to have a jar of pickles smiling at you every day in a jar?

Just stay in the brine, guys. Of course, one day you'll be taken out of the bridge to be chopped up and put on somebody's burger. So enjoy it while you can.

Just stay in the brine, guys. Of course, one day you’ll be taken out of the bridge to be chopped up and put on somebody’s burger. So enjoy it while you can.

35. Don’t look now but I think Count Dracula has come to suck your blood.

Let's just say while he may be a menacing vampire who can scare the bejesus out of people in the movies, he isn't nearly as much as a amigurumi. Actually, more cute than scary. Yet, still better than Edward Cullen, that's for sure.

Let’s just say while he may be a menacing vampire who can scare the bejesus out of people in the movies, he isn’t nearly as much as a amigurumi. Actually, more cute than scary. Yet, still better than Edward Cullen, that’s for sure.

36. Of course, isn’t this bejeweled girl dazzling?

Sure she may have a crocheted dress on but still, you'd have to admit she's quite cute in that outfit and hat. And she's certainly appropriate to give to a young girl for Christmas.

Sure she may have a crocheted dress on but still, you’d have to admit she’s quite cute in that outfit and hat. And she’s certainly appropriate to give to a young girl for Christmas.

37. Here’s Bob Ross painting his little mountain scene with his happy little trees.

Still, while I know it's Bob Ross, I kind of wish the person making this gave him more of an afro like he had in real life. Still, he did paint those lovely paintings like that on his show.

Still, while I know it’s Bob Ross, I kind of wish the person making this gave him more of an afro like he had in real life. Still, he did paint those lovely paintings like that on his show.

38. Don’t look now kids, but I think that’s the Goblin King with Toby in Labyrinth.

For people like me growing up in the 1990s, Jareth the Goblin King is probably the main reason of what we know David Bowie as. Still, whoever made this got his hair right on.

For people like me growing up in the 1990s, Jareth the Goblin King is probably the main reason of what we know David Bowie as. Still, whoever made this got his hair right on.

39. And now, may I present to you Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Let's just say, Johnny Depp has made a lot of money playing the captain of the Black Pearl. Still, I've seen a lot of crocheted figures of Jack Sparrow when compiling stuff for this post. This is the one I just liked the best.

Let’s just say, Johnny Depp has made a lot of money playing the captain of the Black Pearl. Still, I’ve seen a lot of crocheted figures of Jack Sparrow when compiling stuff for this post. This is the one I just liked the best.

40. For those who remember, this is a crocheted Pee Wee Herman from his Playhouse show.

For those who forget, Pee Wee Herman was this lovable kids show host from the 1980s who had Pee Wee's Playhouse. Sadly, his career faltered when he was caught with his pants down while watching porn in a theater. And I'm not making this up.

For those who forget, Pee Wee Herman was this lovable kids show host from the 1980s who had Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Sadly, his career faltered when he was caught with his pants down while watching porn in a theater. And I’m not making this up.

41. Check out these amigurumi dolls in the traditional Japanese style.

Of course, these are all Japanese women and girls in their little kimonos and all. Yet, by Japanese standards during the Heian period, these ladies are way underdressed.

Of course, these are all Japanese women and girls in their little kimonos and all. Yet, by Japanese standards during the Heian period, these ladies are way underdressed.

42. For those with green thumbs, perhaps you can give them this little garden gnome crocheted toy.

I don't know about you but this is way cuter than any real garden gnome I've ever seen. Looks like Santa Claus in a little smurf outfit.

I don’t know about you but this is way cuter than any real garden gnome I’ve ever seen. Looks like Santa Claus in a little smurf outfit.

43. I give you Gender Bender from Futurama.

Yes, this is Bender from Futurama in drag. And no, I don't think this one is for kids by any means, Still, pretty funny and I'm sure young man would love this.

Yes, this is Bender from Futurama in drag. And no, I don’t think this one is for kids by any means, Still, pretty funny and I’m sure young man would love this.

44. Behold, the Grim Reaper coming to take your soul away.

For an angel of death, I have to admit, he's pretty damn cute. Still, when he's played by Max Von Sydow, he's one hell of a chess player like in The Seventh Seal.

For an angel of death, I have to admit, he’s pretty damn cute. Still, when he’s played by Max Von Sydow, he’s one hell of a chess player like in The Seventh Seal.

45. Bring magic to your life with this little crocheted Harry Potter.

Of course, everyone would prefer that I put up a picture of some amigurumi Snape, Hagrid, or Dumbledore since everyone seems to like them better in addition to Ron and Hermione.

Of course, everyone would prefer that I put up a picture of some amigurumi Snape, Hagrid, or Dumbledore since everyone seems to like them better in addition to Ron and Hermione.

46. This piece is known as, “Horse Shoots Horse.”

Reminds me of something I'd see in that hilariously bad children's book Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs. Yeah, it's the one containing pictures of horses drinking booze and smoking cigarettes. It's basically the Reefer Madness to children's books.

Reminds me of something I’d see in that hilariously bad children’s book Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs. Yeah, it’s the one containing pictures of horses drinking booze and smoking cigarettes. It’s basically the Reefer Madness to children’s books.

47. Rejoice for the Lord Jesus has risen!

Sure I'm a Catholic Christian but I can't pass any stuff pertaining to Jesus for my blog posts. Still, he's very cute as a crocheted finger puppet you wouldn't want to put in a Passion play.

Sure I’m a Catholic Christian but I can’t pass any stuff pertaining to Jesus for my blog posts. Still, he’s very cute as a crocheted finger puppet you wouldn’t want to put in a Passion play.

48. Grace your home for the holidays with this lovely little crocheted nativity scene.

Now this is the perfect nativity scene for those who have small children running around the house. At least you don't have to worry about anything getting broken. Oh, and at least the kids could play with the figures.

Now this is the perfect nativity scene for those who have small children running around the house. At least you don’t have to worry about anything getting broken. Oh, and at least the kids could play with the figures. This one is taken from Matthew’s Gospel by the way.

49. Just a happy little sewing machine.

Of course, this is probably one of the few sewing machines in existence that was almost totally made by hand. Still, it's quite cute if you know what I mean.

Of course, this is probably one of the few sewing machines in existence that was almost totally made by hand. Still, it’s quite cute if you know what I mean.

50. Who knew that fast food could be so happy?

Now this is pretty cute, despite that these foods aren't really good for you in real life. Seriously, eat enough of them and you'll sure die from some cardiovascular disease.

Now this is pretty cute, despite that these foods aren’t really good for you in real life. Seriously, eat enough of them and you’ll sure die from some cardiovascular disease.

51. For a young girl, you might want to give her this crocheted doll of Tatiana from The Princess and the Frog.

Say what you want about Disney but I think The Princess and the Frog is a movie that's way better suited for young girls than the original Grimm story it's based on. At least the movie didn't have a moral that goes, "if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex," which the original story certainly did.

Say what you want about Disney but I think The Princess and the Frog is a movie that’s way better suited for young girls than the original Grimm story it’s based on. At least the movie didn’t have a moral that goes, “if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex,” which the original story certainly did.

52. May I present to you the ever imcomprable Ziggy Stardust.

Hard to believe this is my second David Bowie amigurumi I put on this post already. Yet, I'm sure anyone who's listened to "2001: A Space Oddity" would love it. I mean it's very cute.

Hard to believe this is my second David Bowie amigurumi I put on this post already. Yet, I’m sure anyone who’s listened to “2001: A Space Oddity” would love it. I mean it’s very cute.

53. For those opting for foreign cuisine how about some amigurumi take out?

Of course, whoever made this isn't from China or Japan. I mean they have little crocheted sushi bits with a Chinese take out box or a fortune cookie, which is actually an American invention if you know what I mean.

Of course, whoever made this isn’t from China or Japan. I mean they have little crocheted sushi bits with a Chinese take out box or a fortune cookie, which is actually an American invention if you know what I mean.

54. While good kids get presents from Santa Claus, really bad kids get kidnapped by the Krampus.

Now the Krampus isn't a Christmas tradition we have in the United States. But it is popular in certain areas of Europe. Still, this little girl doesn't seem very happy by any means.

Now the Krampus isn’t a Christmas tradition we have in the United States. But it is popular in certain areas of Europe. Still, this little girl doesn’t seem very happy by any means.

55. Now this group is perhaps among one of the best crocheted teams Marvel has ever assembled.

Hard to believe that the guy who played Thor has recently become the Sexiest Man Alive according to People Magazine. Of course, I'm sure the other guys in the Avengers would disagree about that in years to come.

Hard to believe that the guy who played Thor has recently become the Sexiest Man Alive according to People Magazine. Of course, I’m sure the other guys in the Avengers would disagree about that in years to come.

56. No holiday season would be complete without crocheted figures of Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Now don't these two make an adorable couple? I mean look at their matching outfits for God's sake.

Now don’t these two make an adorable couple? I mean look at their matching outfits for God’s sake. Still, nobody can’t love Santa besides possibly small children.

57. Watch these onigiri do make a snowflake star together.

Now I'm sure that onigiri are Japanese rice bowls combined with seaweed. Might also a be a vegetarian's equivalent to sushi but I'm not so sure about that. Still, you have to admire the cuteness in arrangement.

Now I’m sure that onigiri are Japanese rice bowls combined with seaweed. Might also a be a vegetarian’s equivalent to sushi but I’m not so sure about that. Still, you have to admire the cuteness in arrangement.

58. For you Audrey Hepburn fans, here’s a crocheted figure of her as Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Now though I like Audrey Hepburn, I'm not a fan of Breakfast at Tiffany's. Sure Audrey's pretty and her clothes are nice but it's just that it doesn't have much of a plot and that Mickey Rooney plays a very offensive Japanese stereotype.

Now though I like Audrey Hepburn, I’m not a fan of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Sure Audrey’s pretty and her clothes are nice but it’s just that it doesn’t have much of a plot and that Mickey Rooney plays a very offensive Japanese stereotype.

59. If you’re into Ancient Rome and its Empire, here’s an amigurumi of a Roman centurion.

Now I'm not sure whether I'd want to name him "Bickus Dickus" or "Nautius Maximus." Decisions, decisions.

Now I’m not sure whether I’d want to name him “Bickus Dickus” or “Nautius Maximus.” Decisions, decisions. Still, what have the Romans ever done for us?

60. Now this piece is called, “Santa Clawed” which combines two things I like: Christmas and Alfred Hitchcock.

Man, I'm sure as hell those doves aren't getting anything for Christmas this year. And I'm sure Santa really needs to see the ophthalmologist.

Man, I’m sure as hell those doves aren’t getting anything for Christmas this year. And I’m sure Santa really needs to see the ophthalmologist.

61. Now what little kid wouldn’t go crazy over this cute little penguin?

Yes, this little guy is certainly adorable with its rosy cheeks. I'm sure anyone would think it makes a nice gift for a child. I mean you just want to take this little penguin home, too. I understand.

Yes, this little guy is certainly adorable with its rosy cheeks. I’m sure anyone would think it makes a nice gift for a child. I mean you just want to take this little penguin home, too. I understand.

62. Finally, a puppy that would simply tug at your heartstrings.

Of course, a stuffed puppy is the only kind of dog you should give your kids for Christmas. Live puppies are a horrible idea and most of them get abandoned anyway.

Of course, a stuffed puppy is the only kind of dog you should give your kids for Christmas. Live puppies are a horrible idea and most of holiday pups get abandoned anyway.

63. Have a fiesta with these crocheted Mexican food items.

I love the little Mexican mustache on the taco figure. Oh, and I suppose that's a bottle of tequila behind that and the nachos in guacamole.

I love the little Mexican mustache on the taco figure. Oh, and I suppose that’s a bottle of tequila behind that and the nachos in guacamole.

64. I now give you the happy little guillotine.

This little blade seems quite happy chopping people's heads off with the pull of a string. I'm not sure about the state of mind for the executioner though.

This little blade seems quite happy chopping people’s heads off with the pull of a string. I’m not sure about the state of mind for the executioner though.

65. Seems like that putty tat Sylvester finally caught Tweety if you know what I mean.

Looks like Tweety is going to meet a grisly end by being cooked in a boiling soup pot and served to Sylvester's dinner guests. It's a shame.

Looks like Tweety is going to meet a grisly end by being cooked in a boiling soup pot and served to Sylvester’s dinner guests. It’s a shame.

66. So you see, kids, unicorns do puke rainbows.

On one hand, this is rather disgusting. Yet, on the other hand, it's actually quite pretty. I mean how can we hate rainbows and unicorns? Seriously.

On one hand, this is rather disgusting. Yet, on the other hand, it’s actually quite pretty. I mean how can we hate rainbows and unicorns? Seriously.

67. Now this is how Walter and Jesse cook meth.

Both these guys come with their own removable suit and Walter has his hat. Also, when you take Walter's yellow suit off, he has no pants. Just his tidy whiteys.

Both these guys come with their own removable suit and Walter has his hat. Also, when you take Walter’s yellow suit off, he has no pants. Just his tidy whiteys.

68. Now this girl seems all dressed up and ready to play in the snow.

Since I love purple, I would certainly have wanted a little doll like this when I was a little girl. Still, she's just so cute with her dark yarn hair.

Since I love purple, I would certainly have wanted a little doll like this when I was a little girl. Still, she’s just so cute with her dark yarn hair.

69. Anyone want to build a snowman?

Now that's a cute snowman to put on your mantlepiece. Even better is that it doesn't come with a corn cob pipe.

Now that’s a cute snowman to put on your mantlepiece. Even better is that it doesn’t come with a corn cob pipe.

70. This little crocheted Indiana Jones goes globetrobbing for priceless artifacts.

I suppose that this little guy is also expert with a bull whip, hate snakes, destroys ancient buildings for trinkets, and is a really shitty professor.

I suppose that this little guy is also expert with a bull whip, hate snakes, destroys ancient buildings for trinkets, and is a really shitty professor.

71. Now these owl amigurumi figures are certainly worth hooting for.

Because not only are the incredibly adorable, they also come in a lot of different shapes, sizes, and colors. There's even a purple one.

Because not only are the incredibly adorable, they also come in a lot of different shapes, sizes, and colors. There’s even a purple one.

72. Seems like Raggedy Ann has gone off the deep end.

Either that, or this is the love child between Raggedy Ann and Freddy Kreuger. And I hope it's the latter because I don't want to see Raggedy Ann be someone who appeared to escape Arkham Asylum.

Either that, or this is the love child between Raggedy Ann and Freddy Kreuger. And I hope it’s the latter because I don’t want to see Raggedy Ann be someone who appeared to escape Arkham Asylum.

73. Of course, you can’t have an amigurumi post without including Japanese icon Hello Kitty.

I was going to put up a picture of Hello Kitty committing sepukku on this post. Yet, I decided against it for reasons I can't really disclose on this blog. Still, she's totally a cat but cute though.

I was going to put up a picture of Hello Kitty committing sepukku on this post. Yet, I decided against it for reasons I can’t really disclose on this blog. Still, she’s totally a cat but cute though.

74. Is is just me or is that the evil penguin from Wallace and Gromit?

I'm sorry Feathers McGraw but there's no way in hell that putting a rubber glove on your head could convince me that you're a chicken. I mean, you're not fooling anybody (save perhaps Wallace).

I’m sorry Feathers McGraw but there’s no way in hell that putting a rubber glove on your head could convince me that you’re a chicken. I mean, you’re not fooling anybody (save perhaps Wallace).

75. In Hawaii, you might be delighted to see this little girl in the grass skirt.

Of course, I'm sure this is probably the only thing made of wool a young girl in Hawaii would probably have considering the state's climate and all. Still, she's simply adorable beside the old style bus I believe.

Of course, I’m sure this is probably the only thing made of wool a young girl in Hawaii would probably have considering the state’s climate and all. Still, she’s simply adorable beside the old style bus I believe.

76. Check out this amigurumi of Mulan, from the Disney movie.

This is Mulan at the point of the movie before she started crossdressing and joining the army in her father's place. Still, please don't consider her a princess because she certainly isn't by any means.

This is Mulan at the point of the movie before she started crossdressing and joining the army in her father’s place. Still, please don’t consider her a princess because she certainly isn’t by any means.

77. Man, what ran over this possum really caused it to spew its guts out.

Actually, I've seen a lot of roadkill on my road during my walks. And let me tell you, I've seen a lot worse when it comes to dead possums. Besides, I don't consider possums cute by any means at all.

Actually, I’ve seen a lot of roadkill on my road during my walks. And let me tell you, I’ve seen a lot worse when it comes to dead possums. Besides, I don’t consider possums cute by any means at all.

78. Now I’m sure this little crocheted doll is a perfect prima ballerina.

Still, while I don't really get dancing and ballet at all, I have to admit this doll is so cute. Also, like how she reflects in the mirror. She seems so happy. Wait until she realizes that dancers don't have long careers, unless they perform at some seedy joint like the Filly Corral.

Still, while I don’t really get dancing and ballet at all, I have to admit this doll is so cute. Also, like how she reflects in the mirror. She seems so happy. Wait until she realizes that dancers don’t have long careers, unless they perform at some seedy joint like the Filly Corral.

79. Look at that cute little mermaid lounging on the beach.

Sure she's adorable and makes a great gift for a young girl. But whatever you do, don't put her near water. Seriously, you don't want to do that to stuffed toys.

Sure she’s adorable and makes a great gift for a young girl. But whatever you do, don’t put her near water. Seriously, you don’t want to do that to stuffed toys.

80. Now doesn’t this girl make a pretty little snowflake in her little snowflake dress?

Yes, she's a snowflake girl. And no, she's not Snow Queen's daughter to a Mexican bandito. At least I hope she's not. Still, she's really cute if you know what I mean.

Yes, she’s a snowflake girl. And no, she’s not Snow Queen’s daughter to a Mexican bandito. At least I hope she’s not. Still, she’s really cute if you know what I mean.

The Wonderful World of Bath Soaps

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Bath House Soaps

As we all know, soap is a rather essential product in our every day living. After all, we use soap to clean ourselves with whenever we take a bath or shower. We also use it for dishes, our clothes, and our spaces. It also comes in forms like bars, salts, liquids. and powder detergent. Still, while most people view soap as a cleaning agent to wash things and people with, this doesn’t stop people from using it for creative artistic expression. Mostly they’d make their own soap designs as gifts, but sometimes you’d wonder. Still, what I’m about to show you are the many designs which people and companies have made and manufacture. So without further adieu, here are some uniquely designed soaps for your viewing pleasure. Of course, we’ll be seeing designs from bath soap, naturally.

1. Heard of soap on a rope? Well, here’s soap on a roll.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

2. A little butter on your toast, perhaps?

Okay, it's soap so I'm probably not going to eat that. Still, I can't tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

Okay, it’s soap so I’m probably not going to eat that. Still, I can’t tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

3. You’ve heard about growing a mustache. How about washing with one?

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can't eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can’t eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

4. Man, can’t believe you can have money in your soap.

It's going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I'm not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

It’s going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I’m not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

5. Smell like a tropical paradise with some coconut soap.

I don't know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious.

I don’t know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious unlike real coconut.

6. For a great gift for your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, how about a nice chocolate heart soap?

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it's soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it’s soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

7. Hey, would you want some fries with your Burger King order?

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won't taste in any way like French fries.

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won’t taste in any way like French fries.

8. And now, scrub yourself clean with soap kebabs.

Now while this is pretty creative, I'm sure it's now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody's eye out.

Now while this is pretty creative, I’m sure it’s now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody’s eye out.

9. How about some popcorn for the movie?

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

10. Jesus Christ came to this world to cleanse the world from sin as well as died on the cross for it. Now you can have Jesus on a rope cleanse your body, face, and naughty bits.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it's Jesus on a rope, I can't just pass this one up. Let's just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don't want to say anything inappropriate either.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it’s Jesus on a rope, I can’t just pass this one up. Let’s just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don’t want to say anything inappropriate either.

11. As 96.1 KISS FM always said, “It’s peanut butter jelly time.”

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn't want to eat this one since it may kill you.

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn’t want to eat this one since it may kill you.

12. Nothing cleans better than a bunch of disembodied baby hands.

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There's no way I'd want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There’s no way I’d want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

13. Love may stink but the soap shall set you clean.

Of course, you don't want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

Of course, you don’t want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

14. Sometimes the path to good hygiene is just a click away.

Still, I'm sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

Still, I’m sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

15. Of course, you can’t leave without grabbing a drumstick of soap, that is.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn't make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn’t make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you, except to a cannibal.

16. For the Jew in your life, may I suggest to you a matzo ball soap as a gift for Chanukah?

I don't think matzo balls are that big. Still, it's interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

I don’t think matzo balls are that big. Still, it’s interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

17. Now having a Tyrannosaurus Rex soap will make you cleaner than you’ve ever been since 65 million years ago.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

18. Summer is the time of frozen treats on a popsicle stick whether they have ice cream or not.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn't stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn’t stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

19. Looks like Fido needs a treat.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him. And now you know.

20. Of course, since everyone loves bacon, we just have to have bacon soap.

Of course, sometimes it's better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

Of course, sometimes it’s better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

21. Now here’s a soap of a Japanese sumo wrestler.

Please tell me he's wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it's really hard to tell due to the that he's so morbidly obese.

Please tell me he’s wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it’s really hard to tell due to the that he’s so morbidly obese like most sumo wrestlers.

22. For Valentine’s Day, try out these cute little candy soap hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine's Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine’s Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

23. Be up to your Easter Sunday best with these colored egg soaps.

It's clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won't become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

It’s clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won’t become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

24. My mama always said life is like a box of chocolate soaps because you never know what you’re going to get.

Couldn't resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don't have to worry what you're going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

Couldn’t resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don’t have to worry what you’re going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

25. Now there’s nothing better to scrub your hands than some hand soap on a rope.

Then again, when I mentioned "hand soap on a rope" this isn't really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you'd see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

Then again, when I mentioned “hand soap on a rope” this isn’t really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you’d see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

26. Now here’s some soaps of hot spicy peppers you’d put in Mexican food.

I'm sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I'm sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I'm certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

I’m sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I’m sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I’m certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

27. Now here’s the soap of a true wiener.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

28. Now these pig soaps may come straight out of Old McDonald’s farm.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won't be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won’t be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

29. If you or your kids love Legos, they’d love these soaps of Legos blocks.

Unlike real Legos, it won't hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

Unlike real Legos, it won’t hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

30. Now here’s some great soaps of water lilies.

Now I don't know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

Now I don’t know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

31. These skull and cross bones soaps would be a great gift for a pirate.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk's apartment.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk’s apartment.

32. For those who work at a nuclear facility, I’m sure this radioactive soap and sponge kit would make a great gift.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won't lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can't say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Ruffsdale KOA.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won’t lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can’t say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Madison KOA. Yes, I know there was a nuclear meltdown at Waltz Mill in the 1970s.

33. May shower time never be the same with these rainbow heart soaps.

Now I don't know about you but I can't see why anybody shouldn't love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t see why anybody shouldn’t love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

34. Now I’m sure these cupcake soaps are a real treat.

However, I must warn you don't ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they're still pretty cute.

However, I must warn you don’t ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they’re still pretty cute. Especially so with flowers, sprinkles, and cherries on top.

35. All right, leggo my soapy eggo if you dare.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I'm not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I’m not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap either.

36. For Ocktoberfest, clean yourself with these soaps of beer and pretzels.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I'm sure that the beer is soap though I don't know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I’m sure that the beer is soap though I don’t know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

37. Treat yourself to these sticky bun cinnamon roll soaps.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

38. Finally, chocolate cookie soaps.

Then again, I'd rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they're fresh out of the oven.

Then again, I’d rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they’re fresh out of the oven.

39. And now, the new Apple iPhone.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don't work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don’t work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

40. Bath time will never be the same again with this Nintendo Wii soap.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it's probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won't electrocute you in the tub.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it’s probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won’t electrocute you in the tub.

41. I give you Oreo cookie soaps.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don't use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don't want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don’t use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don’t want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

42. Here are some doughnut soaps with different colors of icing.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

43. Scrub your way into the shower with an old time Nintendo game controller.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

44. Of course, we always need to scrub our fingers.

Yet, I don't know if I'd be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

Yet, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

45. Well, let’s settle into some delicious pepperoni pizza.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it's not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it’s not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

46. For your Halloween Party, I’m sure stocking your bathroom with eyeball soaps may do.

Then again, I'm sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

Then again, I’m sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

47. Of course, I’m sure the NRA has their bathrooms stocked with these pistol soaps.

Still, I'm sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don't mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn't be pretty.

Still, I’m sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don’t mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn’t be pretty.

48. If you need to defend yourself, here’s a soap of brass knuckles.

Then again, I don't think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

Then again, I don’t think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

49. Look, it’s cheese soap. And man, there are a lot of different types.

I'm sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit's house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

I’m sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit’s house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

50. Have a steady supply of soap with this lovely sushi soap set.

This way you wouldn't just know how to keep clean, but you'd learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

This way you wouldn’t just know how to keep clean, but you’d learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

51. Add a little color to your bathroom with these crayon soaps.

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I'd really like a purple one. Still, great for kids

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I’d really like a purple one. Still, great for kids.

52. Now the first rule of Fight Club is that nobody talks about Fight Club.

If you've seen the movie, you'd know what this soap references. Still, let's just say I don't want to see that movie again.

If you’ve seen the movie, you’d know what this soap references. Still, let’s just say I don’t want to see that movie again.

53. Well, that looks like a tasty croissant roll.

Oh, wait, that's soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

Oh, wait, that’s soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

54. Rubber duckie, you’re the one. You make bath time so much fun. Rubber duckie, I’m totally fond of you.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn't a soap. Else, he'd be gone before Ernie would realize it.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn’t a soap. Else, he’d be gone before Ernie would realize it. Still, the tub thing is pretty cute.

55. Ain’t no soap bar like a gay bar.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don't buy this soap.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don’t buy this soap. Seriously, it might offend the LGBT community.

56. Now how about having to clean yourself with a piece of shit?

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

57. Rub your hands clean with this magic lantern soap.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won't cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won’t cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

58. Have a lovely piece of artwork in your bathroom such as a soap of the Venus de Milo.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won't be as pretty as this by the time you're done with it.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won’t be as pretty as this by the time you’re done with it. However we never knew where her arms went or what they looked like.

59. Scrub yourself clean with Michelangelo’s David.

Now while Charleton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it's almost as true to the real thing upon green.

Now while Charlton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it’s almost as true to the real thing upon green. Nevertheless, would make a great gift for Sister Wendy Becket, who has a thing for male nudes.

60. Make your bath time a masterpiece with Sandro Boticelli’s The Birth of Venus.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

61. If your girlfriend’s a fan of the 1997 James Cameron film, she’d love this soap rendition.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

62. As we have these candy mints after dinner, you might want to use these candy mints soaps before.

Now I'm sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you're dirty.

Now I’m sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you’re dirty.

63. Of course, this laptop soap would go great for any Silicon Valley bathroom.

Now I'm sure this soap computer won't work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

Now I’m sure this soap computer won’t work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

64. Now here’s a soap of a potato to grace your bathroom. Looks almost like the real thing doesn’t it?

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can't bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can’t bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

65. While we have Lego soaps, we also have Lego people soaps, too. And in many different colors.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I'm sure that real Lego people didn't come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I’m sure that real Lego people didn’t come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

66. For the holiday season, I’m sure Christmas light soaps would make your bathroom seem festive.

They may not light up, but at least you don't have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they're just bulbs if you know what I mean.

They may not light up, but at least you don’t have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they’re just bulbs if you know what I mean.

67. Smell fresh as a daisy by rubbing your body with these perfume bottle soaps.

Of course, these soaps won't just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

Of course, these soaps won’t just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

68. What better way to get yourself clean than with a soap resembling microbes on a petri dish.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that's the one all right.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that’s the one all right.

69. Perhaps you can smell like flowers with this lovely floral soap.

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

70. Well, there’s nothing like a cup of coffee in the morning.

And there's nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

And there’s nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

71. Perhaps we can have some soap eggs to go with that soap bacon.

Of course, you wouldn't want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they're on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

Of course, you wouldn’t want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they’re on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

72. I’m sure they won’t see it coming with this soap grenade.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won't make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won’t make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

73. Now check out this soap handgun in the bathroom.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Even more scary is that this one comes with its very own bullet. Please, don't ask me to wash with this in the shower.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Please, don’t ask me to wash with this in the shower. Still, there’s nothing cool about it.

74. Soapy, soapy, night. Paint your pallet blue and bright.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn't wash with this soap since it's so pretty.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn’t wash with this soap since it’s so pretty.

75. Of course, what Star Wars fan wouldn’t want a soap of Han Solo frozen in carbonite in their bathroom?

Of course, I've seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

76. How about a bacon cheeseburger with some pickles and fries?

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn't be good for you. Yet, I'm sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn’t be good for you. Yet, I’m sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

77. Look good with these tubes of lipstick soap.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean. And no, they don’t seem to come in many different colors.

78.These jigsaw puzzle piece soaps sure do go together.

Of course, there's a chance that all these pieces won't be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don't they have purple?

Of course, there’s a chance that all these pieces won’t be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don’t they have purple?

79. Wash your body with these beautiful soap bottles.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

80. Of course, these precious gemstone soaps sure do give off light like real ones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I'm sure that it's very obvious they're not gemstones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I’m sure that it’s very obvious they’re not gemstones.

Don’t Try This at Home Craft Projects

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Crafts

Crafts have always been with us and will probably go on forever. Whether it’s from the kid made to do some project in art class or the adult with repressed creative impulses who wants to make money from Etsy, we’ve seen them all. Such arts could range from the DIY to sewing and knitting, upholstery, taxidermy, beading, jewelry making, or what not. After all, some people create stuff to use as gifts for others. Yet, while some craft projects might inspire love and adoration, others not so much. Still, while I could go on and on about the nice little craft ideas and such, you would find that boring. Instead, I’ll feature pictures of DIY craft projects that are so crazy and terrible that you’d wonder why anyone would buy them off Etsy. If not, then perhaps make you scratch your head as to why anyone would create such a craftastrophe in the first place. So without further adieu, here are some craft projects you might not want kids doing art class. By the way, this post may not be safe for work.

1. If you want to make baby’s first Thanksgiving memorable, perhaps you can put them in this cute little turkey costume.

Let's just say, when this baby grows up, he's going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.

Let’s just say, when this baby grows up, he’s going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.

2. Brave the elements with this knitted poncho headdress.

Now while I'm sure this poncho can keep you warm, I'm not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you'd see in a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.

Now while I’m sure this poncho can keep you warm, I’m not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you’d see at a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.

3. Behold, a style of sunglasses inspired by the flamboyant fashion sense of Lady Gaga and the 1340s Bubonic Plague doctor.

Yeah, I'm sure this sunglasses style plays less what you'd see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird's evil twin.

Yeah, I’m sure this sunglasses style plays less what you’d see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird’s evil twin.

4. Bundle up with this state of the art boob scarf.

Now I don't know this item's effectiveness against winter weather. However, I'm sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you're a guy.

Now I don’t know this item’s effectiveness against winter weather. However, I’m sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you’re a guy.

5. Ladies, walk on the street in style with these fancy slug brooches.

Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting.

Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting. More like collectibles for young boys.

6. Scrub yourself off after the big game with some Buffalo Wings and celery soap.

I'm sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?

I’m sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?

7. Give your sweetheart a reminder to practice safe sex with this lovely condom flower bouquet.

I'm sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine's Day. For God's sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you'd be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.

I’m sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine’s Day. For God’s sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you’d be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.

8. Now grace your house with this knitted pig being cut open on a platter.

I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.

I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.

9. Scrub yourself squeakly clean with these soap dentures.

Let's hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.

Let’s hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.

10. Add a little character to you lawn with this Duck Lady statue.

Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck's head. Well, that's just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.

Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck’s head. Well, that’s just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.

11. Protect yourself with this tampon gun and bullets.

I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they're also great for home security as well.

I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they’re also great for home security as well.

12. Now these soaps with razor blades make great gifts for the whole family.

I'm sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I'm sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.

I’m sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I’m sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.

13. Give your child a unicorn bike they will certainly treasure.

I'm sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it's all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.

I’m sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it’s all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.

14. For the upcoming movie 50 Shades of Grey, here’s Barbie as Anastasia Steele with her very own sex dungeon.

Then again, I hear there's a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o' nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.

Then again, I hear there’s a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o’ nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.

15. Please your man this Christmas with these homemade knitted men’s shorts.

Let's just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would've been a better idea.

Let’s just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would’ve been a better idea.

16. Got beer cans? Well, make a lovely flower display with them for your living room.

I'm sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this.

I’m sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this. I’m sure this is a remnant from Martha Stewart’s college years.

17. Be the life of the party with this Pabst can skirt.

Now if this girl's in college, it's very likely that her boyfriend's in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this.

Now if this girl’s in college, it’s very likely that her boyfriend’s in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this. Still, at least this skirt is bound to slice the crap out of a potential rapist.

18. Make these figurines by creating clay made from the lint in your clothes dryer.

Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that's about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.

Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that’s about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.

19. Step in style with these duck foot pumps to go with your duckface.

Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don't have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn't look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.

Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don’t have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn’t look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.

20. Keep your feet warm with these colorful knitted knee socks.

Now I can't decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who's high and smell like reefer, then it's probably the latter.

Now I can’t decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who’s high and smell like reefer, then it’s probably the latter.

21. May your DIY crown of thorns not only show your love for Jesus on Easter but also be used a a prop for your local Passion Play.

Now I'm sure there's nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it's best that you don't make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de' oerdurve tray. Else, the Lord will smite you.

Now I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it’s best that you don’t make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de’ oeuvres tray despite the tempting toothpicks. Else, the Lord will smite you. If not, then my grandma certainly will.

22. With this breakfast hat and purse, you will always have it to go.

I'm sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she'd want to show up at the office wearing them.

I’m sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she’d want to show up at the office wearing them, even in the 1980s.

23. Adorn yourself with these lovely earrings with toilet paper made of pearls.

I'm sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she's interviewing for a job with the sewage authority.

I’m sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she’s interviewing for a job with the sewage authority or waste management. Or perhaps dating someone from those fields.

24. No girl isn’t all dressed and ready to go unless she has her very own Louis Vuitton assault rifle.

While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It's just so fucked up.

While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It’s just so fucked up.

25. Have any child feel at home with this nice little coat rack of disembodied doll parts.

Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don't think I could say the same about any other kid's room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.

Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don’t think I could say the same about any other kid’s room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.

26. Light your rooms with these lovely handbag lamps with feet.

This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.

This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.

27. Of course, handbags also make a rather great decoration for lamps as well.

Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.

Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.

28. No woman’s look is complete without a pair of high heels made from deer hooves.

Now I'm sure PETA won't be happy with me posting this. Also, I'm sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.

Now I’m sure PETA won’t be happy with me posting this. Also, I’m sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.

29. This stack of pancakes doesn’t look too happy.

I mean you'd feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.

I mean you’d feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.

30. Now that is one fancy ring.

From Regretsy: "It’s called a 'cocktail ring' because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out." Yet, I'm not sure if it's also used as a top hat for parrots.

From Regretsy: “It’s called a ‘cocktail ring’ because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out.” Yet, I’m not sure if it’s also used as a top hat for parrots.

31. Reach for the sky with this Balloon poncho.

From Regretsy: "Kind of like, 'one-size-fits-most' and 'must have.' I'm not sure about 'elegant' and 'poncho,' but then, I haven't seen it in 'Blue Moose in the Woods.'" Also, since I'm way over say, six I'd be embarrassed to wear it.

From Regretsy: “Kind of like, ‘one-size-fits-most’ and ‘must have.’ I’m not sure about ‘elegant’ and ‘poncho,’ but then, I haven’t seen it in ‘Blue Moose in the Woods.'” Also, since I’m way over say, six I’d be embarrassed to wear it.

32. This Gumball Baby Doll is a perfect gift for anyone during all occasions.

Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it's giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it's as creepy as hell.

Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it’s giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it’s as creepy as hell.

33. Honor your home with this one of a kind, Groundhog Native American Shield.

Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?

Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?

34. Have a holly, jolly, hooftastic Christmas with this deer hoof ornament.

For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.

For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.

35. Enhance your beauty with this eye lash necklace made from real human hair.

Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it's fairly creepy. Also, how?

Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it’s fairly creepy. Also, how?

36. Every girl this Christmas wants an alien nut doll with hair extensions riding a pony.

From Regretsy: "QUESTIONS 1. What am I looking at? 2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts? 2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert? 3. How much is shipping to Earth? 4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?"

From Regretsy:
“QUESTIONS
1. What am I looking at?
2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts?
2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert?
3. How much is shipping to Earth?
4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?”

37. I’m sure a rose hair decoration made from orange peel is a piece of beauty.

I don't know about you but I don't think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it's rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it’s rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.

38. Make a great presence with this ornate macreme mask.

Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I'm sure this mask will steal your soul. So don't look at it!

Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I’m sure this mask will steal your soul. So don’t look at it!

39. “*CIRCLES OF VERISIMILITUDE* represents numerous useful platters, clocks, and mirrors, all created from large metal container lids, 24 inches inches in diameter, and formed from collections of miscellaneous ‘stuff.'”

Well, I'm sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I'm sure if I'd want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.

Well, I’m sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I’m sure if I’d want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.

40. Now what young girl doesn’t want a pillow with Tinkerbell’s face on it?

Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn't aged very well. Also, I don't know about you, but I'm sure she's had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she's really gone downhill since Peter Pan.

Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn’t aged very well. Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure she’s had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she’s really gone downhill since Peter Pan.

41. “Victorian inspired turtle foot, with gold foil, brass wire, and bee detail. Antique green point-back rhinestones add extra sparkle, and the brass dangle gives a touch of whimsy.”

Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.

Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.

42. Light up the party with this one of a kind Yarn Monster Dress.

From Regretsy: "This might be the best 'Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress' costume I've seen this year."

From Regretsy: “This might be the best ‘Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress’ costume I’ve seen this year.”

43. Use your dad’s unwanted neckties to make your own sexy lingerie.

Seriously, these are thongs and they don't look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It's pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.

Seriously, these are thongs and they don’t look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It’s pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.

44. For those who want to keep their bong with their lighter, here’s a rainbow bong cozy.

Now unless you live in an area where pot's legalized, I'm sure you'll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.

Now unless you live in an area where pot’s legalized, I’m sure you’ll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.

45. Finally a doll house giving a tribute to the hit TV show Hoarders.

This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you'd give to a young girl.

This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you’d give to a young girl.

46. Finally, a little coat and hat set for a cute little chihuahua.

Man, Tinkerbell doesn't look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed.

Man, Tinkerbell doesn’t look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed off.

47. Now how about a nice diamond encrusted pennant with some vintage tin can?

Then again, I'm not sure if I'd want to wear a necklace with a tin that says "Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative" on it. Vintage or otherwise.

Then again, I’m not sure if I’d want to wear a necklace with a tin that says “Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative” on it. Vintage or otherwise.

48. Make a giant dream catcher by weaving neck ties and panty hose around a hula hoop.

Then again, I don't know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it's what a teacher of mine called a "gok" meaning "God Only Knows."

Then again, I don’t know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it’s what a teacher of mine called a “gok” meaning “God Only Knows.”

49. Take your mom’s tacky garden flamingos and turn them into dragons.

Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that's painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.

Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that’s painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.

50. I’m sure your cat would love this little mobile hat of the solar system.

I'm sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.

I’m sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.

51. If your cat loves to snuggle on your lap, why don’t you give them the next best thing?

This cat is probably thinking: "There's no way in God's green acres that I'm sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where's it's head?"

This cat is probably thinking: “There’s no way in God’s green acres that I’m sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where’s it’s head?”

52. For the first time ever, I bring you Potato Sack Couture.

Now I didn't know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.

Now I didn’t know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.

53. For those who want to relive key moments from The Wire, here are some miniature blocks of crack or what’s referred to as, “product.”

Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar's would sell off the charts.

Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar’s would sell off the charts.

54. And now a replica of Roary, mascot for the Detroit Lions.

Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.

Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.

55. Now nothing says cozy than a pair of bedroom slippers made from Maxi pads.

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that's where the sun don't shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that’s where the sun don’t shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?

56. And now a crocheted reenactment of The Exorcist.

Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let's just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don't want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don't.

Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let’s just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don’t want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don’t.

57. Finally, a nice soap for young girls.

For God's sake, what's with the "Face Soap, Not Balls Soap" disclaimer. I'm sure there's no man who'd want to scrub his testicles with a soap that's meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?

For God’s sake, what’s with the “Face Soap, Not Balls Soap” disclaimer. I’m sure there’s no man who’d want to scrub his testicles with a soap that’s meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?

58. Seems E. T. didn’t have a good time in Las Vegas.

And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I've seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.'s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.

And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I’ve seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.’s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.

59. Now even a young girl can have her very own Sasquatch baby doll to call her own.

Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I'm sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.

Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I’m sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.

60. Relive your experience in high school biology class with this dissected frog knit display.

Now I remember why I didn't want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that's beside the point.

Now I remember why I didn’t want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that’s beside the point.

61. Nothing makes an ocean home better than a mirror decorated from inedible crab legs.

Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.

Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.

62. Now this seems like a truly relaxing couch pillow.

If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would've looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would've been more colorful.

If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would’ve looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would’ve been more colorful.

63. And now, three new flavors of lip balm for men.

I don't know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven't brushed your teeth.

I don’t know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven’t brushed your teeth.

64. May I present to you a unique artistic rendition of a liver transplant.

Now I don't know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he's been drinking or not as well as a horrible president.

Now I don’t know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he’s been drinking or not as well as a horrible president. Also, I wonder if there’s one of a proctologist or someone getting a colonoscopy.

65. I’m sure these are salt and pepper shakers, honestly.

Still, knowing that the "P" can mean "pee" or "piss" while the "s" could pertain to "shit," let's just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.

Still, knowing that the “P” can mean “pee” or “piss” while the “s” could pertain to “shit,” let’s just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.

66. Adorn your living room with these giant pillows of rotten bananas.

I'm sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn't find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.

I’m sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn’t find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.

67. And now, a great fashion runway show featuring the Hamburger Monster Yarn Dress.

I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.

I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.

68. I now introduce you to Chewbacca, master of seduction.

Now let's say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.

Now let’s say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.

69. In the NSA even the coffeemakers are spies.

Don't look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.

Don’t look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.

70. Grace your living room with this lovely coffin couch.

I'm sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula's Transylvania Castle. I'm sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.

I’m sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula’s Transylvania Castle. I’m sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.

71. During Halloween, perhaps you can dispense little pumpkin soaps to trick or treaters.

I'm sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren't real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.

I’m sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren’t real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.

72. Finally, a nice hand crocheted cozy for your vibrator.

Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven't heard that before. Still, why?

Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven’t heard that before. Still, why make a cozy for a sex toy? Why?

73. Get in the fall spirit wit this turkey feather headdress.

Looks more like something I'd see on my next door neighbor's living room wall than something I'd actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would've been shot by my neighbors' anyway.

Looks more like something I’d see on my next door neighbor’s living room wall than something I’d actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would’ve been shot by my neighbors’ anyway.

74. Now I’m sure this is a great Thanksgiving outfit for a toddler girl.

Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it's incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there's no way in hell I'd have her wear that. That would be too cruel.

Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it’s incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there’s no way in hell I’d have her wear that. That would be too cruel.

75. While adults have pumpkin spice lattes, it’s only natural for kids to have pumpkin spice Play Dough.

Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.

Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.

76. To decorate your living room for Thanksgiving, here’s a painting of a dysfunctional family dinner.

Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you're thankful for having a family that's not like them.

Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you’re thankful for having a family that’s not like them. I mean these people seem very screwed up with several members being alcoholics.

77. For Thanksgiving, why don’t you eat pretzels with these turkey pretzel holders.

Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I'm sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.

Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I’m sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.

78. Greet the new year with this stunning New Year’s Eve dress.

You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.

You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.

79. To get in the Christmas spirit, I give you the coal angel.

Of course, this coal angel doesn't seem too happy here. Then again, I'm sure there aren't many kids who'd want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.

Of course, this coal angel doesn’t seem too happy here. Then again, I’m sure there aren’t many kids who’d want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.

80. Grace your office with this lovely glass paper weight of Swedish ice.

I don't know about you, but this doesn't seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.

I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.

The Wonderful World of Thanksgiving Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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As with most holidays, cakes seem to have a special place. And Thanksgiving is no exception. Of course, the motifs are turkey, Pilgrims, Indians, pumpkins, cornucopia, and fall. Of course, you’ve probably seen some of them in my previous post on Thanksgiving treats. Still, I could go on and on about the nice lovely turkey day cakes I’ve seen. However, all that would make you unwilling to view such post. So instead, I’ll show you some other cakes that you might not want around at your family home on Thanksgiving. Whether it’s poor depictions of turkeys or something you don’t want your kids to see, sometimes mistakes are made. So without further adieu, here are some of the cakes featuring Thanksgiving blunders.

1. I’m sorry about your cornfield being hit by that tornado.

Wait a minute, this is a cornucopia? Still, at least we can be thankful for not having to see those giant corny death rays.

Wait a minute, this is a cornucopia? Still, at least we can be thankful for not having to see those giant corny death rays.

2. Looks like that Pilgrim Father’s wearing a hat that seems 3 sizes too small.

Are you sure this isn't a cake meant to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day? Just saying.

Are you sure this isn’t a cake meant to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day? Just saying. Then again, he may just have been covering a receding hairline.

3. This cake is a representation of what happens if you give a Butterball Turkey to a vegetarian.

That's right. Give a turkey to a vegetarian and it will sit in the fridge for days until it gathers mildew and starts to smell.

That’s right. Give a turkey to a vegetarian and it will sit in the fridge for days until it gathers mildew and starts to smell terribly.

4. As we all say, “In one end and out the other.”

Yet, as far as this cake decorator was concerned, I wonder if he or she was sure which end was which. I mean the head seems to be iced on the wrong end.

Yet, as far as this cake decorator was concerned, I wonder if he or she was sure which end was which. I mean the head seems to be iced on the wrong end.

5. This bird’s on fire, it’s rolling down the road…..

Basically this is what happens to a turkey if you think cooking one for Thanksgiving is setting one on fire while alive.

Basically this is what happens to a turkey if you think cooking one for Thanksgiving is setting one on fire while alive.

6. While some say “Happy Thanksgiving,” others take a bit of artistic license.

From Cakewrecks: "And lo, they laid the baby glow worm in a manger, and saideth, 'Thanks AND Giving' Lo. Cometh hath. And sucheth."

From Cakewrecks: “And lo, they laid the baby glow worm in a manger, and saideth, ‘Thanks AND Giving’ Lo. Cometh hath. And sucheth.”

7. As he awaited his torment in the infernal regions of Hell, Tom the Turkey stood there wondering what he had ever done to deserve such wretched fate.

Then again, he's probably roasting in some oven or something. Perhaps awaiting to meet his death through heat exhaustion.

Then again, he’s probably roasting in some oven or something. Perhaps awaiting to meet his death through heat exhaustion.

8. Now this turkey seems to be a little too well done here.

Of course, even though this turkey cake looks burnt, it's probably better to eat than the real thing.

Of course, even though this turkey cake looks burnt, it’s probably better to eat than the real thing.

9. Now I’ve never seen quite a turkey with elaborate tail feathers on its head.

Of course, this turkey seems to have a very colorful personality and possibly too much of the brown acid at Woodstock.

Of course, this turkey seems to have a very colorful personality and possibly too much of the brown acid at Woodstock.

10. Sure turkeys are big, but they’re utterly helpless when surrounded by mice.

For God's sake, this turkey's feathers seem to resemble punk spikes. Also, what's with the creepy mice?

For God’s sake, this turkey’s feathers seem to resemble punk spikes. Also, what’s with the creepy mice?

11. Even when gutted, plucked, stuffed, and baked, this turkey seems to be surprisingly good at yoga.

Of course, I'm quite sure that turkeys certainly don't have their legs stretched out like that. Still, doesn't look right for some reason.

Of course, I’m quite sure that turkeys certainly don’t have their legs stretched out like that. Still, doesn’t look right for some reason.

12. Nothing says Thanksgiving than having a turkey being surrounded by tiny phalluses and turd flames.

Of course, this doesn't look like a turkey in as much as it resembles some weird angry bird's head about to explode.

Of course, this doesn’t look like a turkey in as much as it resembles some weird angry bird’s head about to explode.

13. Now this bird seems to be a little rambunctious.

Either this turkey is just overexcited over something, in panic mode, or just plain high on some LSD.

Either this turkey is just overexcited over something, in panic mode, or just plain high on some LSD.

14. Perhaps this turkey is pining for the fjords.

"'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This turkey is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TURKEY!!"

“‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This turkey is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e
rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TURKEY!!”

15. A rolling pumpkin gathers no vines.

Whereas this pumpkin cake seems to have a stem at the top of it that resembles a turd. Perhaps some creature just took a dump on it.

Whereas this pumpkin cake seems to have a stem at the top of it that resembles a turd. Perhaps some creature just took a dump on it.

16. Oh great, I always wanted to have a Thanksgiving barbecued turkey dinner.

Of course, it doesn't really look a real turkey. Barbecued or otherwise. Still, are those real raw potatoes? Now that's strange.

Of course, it doesn’t really look a real turkey. Barbecued or otherwise. Still, are those real raw potatoes? Now that’s strange.

17. Thanksgiving turkey or just a walking mutant turkey headed gingerbread man in a burning wheat field?

Seems like this cake decorator seems a bit too taken in with all this Christmas commercialism these days.

Seems like this cake decorator seems a bit too taken in with all this Christmas commercialism these days.

18. This turkey seems to be incredibly stuff.

This is why you should always chew with your mouth closed. Also, a lesson that you shouldn't confuse your TP with your TNT.

This is why you should always chew with your mouth closed. Also, a lesson that you shouldn’t confuse your TP with your TNT.

19. Now this turkey seems to have a very huge ass crack.

Is it just me or does anyone else think this turkey is mooning us?

Is it just me or does anyone else think this turkey is mooning us? Seriously, I think this bird should be arrested for indecent exposure.

20. May we wish you a “Happy Gooble Gooble Day.”

Seriously, how can one person managed to mispell "gobble" for God's sake? It's not a hard word to spell. Even a kid could manage it.

Seriously, how can one person managed to mispell “gobble” for God’s sake? It’s not a hard word to spell. Even a kid could manage it.

21. Before The Nightmare Before Christmas there was The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving.

Of course, The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving didn't do too well at the box office got terrible reviews. Besides, it managed to anger many in the Native American community that it was pulled from release.

Of course, The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving didn’t do too well at the box office got terrible reviews. Besides, it managed to anger many in the Native American community that it was pulled from release.

22. Happy Thanksgiving from a black Ken doll in a speedo on a bear rug?

I'm sure this turkey day Burt Reynolds' centerfold imitation is sure going to go real well with the parents of small children. Not.

I’m sure this turkey day Burt Reynolds’ centerfold imitation is sure going to go real well with the parents of small children. Not.

23. Happy Thanksgiving, from the Naughty Gingerbread Man.

Seems like Gingy got arrested of indecent exposure. Still, perhaps the baker seems to have gotten too caught up with Christmas.

Seems like Gingy got arrested of indecent exposure. Still, perhaps the baker seems to have gotten too caught up with Christmas.

24. Now you leave the turkey in the oven until it turns golden brown,

Jesus Christ, turkey is people! This is one of the most disturbing turkeys I've ever seen.

Jesus Christ, turkey is people! This is one of the most disturbing turkeys I’ve ever seen. Still, why does cake even exist?

25. So this is Foghorn Leghorn’s brother from Colorado.

Sure while Foghorn Leghorn is a southern gentlemen, Highorn Leghorn relocated to the Haight Ashbury of San Francisco and got a little too into the drug scene and Rastafarianism.

Sure while Foghorn Leghorn is a southern gentlemen, Highorn Leghorn relocated to the Haight Ashbury of San Francisco and got a little too into the drug scene and Rastafarianism.

26. This turkey is literally on fire.

Then again, its drumsticks seem to have an appearance of a couple of burning cigarettes. And what's with the smiley face?

Then again, its drumsticks seem to have an appearance of a couple of burning cigarettes. And what’s with the smiley face?

28. Nothing like a turkey than one as a black and white cartoon character.

Now that's just so utterly terrifying. Also, I wonder if that turkey is about to do something terrible.

Now that’s just so utterly terrifying. Also, I wonder if that turkey is about to do something terrible. I’d keep my eye on him, if I were you.

29. Eat this turkey, I dare you.

I'm sure that they cut off the turkey's head before they put it in the oven. Actually decapitation is the first thing they do with a turkey.

I’m sure that they cut off the turkey’s head before they put it in the oven. Actually decapitation is the first thing they do with a turkey.

30. Now this is one bright and colorful turkey.

Seems more like a cross between one of those fold up party decorations and a turd to me. Also, seems to be made from a wedding cake sideways.

Seems more like a cross between one of those fold up party decorations and a turd to me. Also, seems to be made from a wedding cake sideways.

31. I wouldn’t worry since this turkey is just about half as good as it looks.

Then again, if it's half as good as it looks, then it must really taste like shit.

Then again, if it’s half as good as it looks, then it must really taste like shit. Also, it kind of seems real dry and can use some gravy.

32. Now this is a nice turkey cake for the kids.

Wait a minute, that turkey's head looks like a sex toy for some reason? That or some abnormally shaped phallus.

Wait a minute, does that turkey’s head looks like a sex toy for some reason? That or some abnormally shaped phallus.

33. I’ll take a-drumstick?

Wait a minute, are those drumsticks or spray painted poo made to look like drumsticks?

Wait a minute, are those drumsticks or spray painted poo made to look like drumsticks? Seriously, why?

34. Finally, a decent looking Thanksgiving turkey cake.

Hey, what's with the Frosty the Snowman hat and scarf? Don't tell me they're trying to sneak Christmas upon us!

Hey, what’s with the Frosty the Snowman hat and scarf? Don’t tell me they’re trying to sneak Christmas upon us!

35. Now that is one huge turkey in this one.

Seems like this turkey doesn't seem too happy here, to be dessert. Still, a bit too realistic if you know what I mean.

Seems like this turkey doesn’t seem too happy here, to be dessert. Still, a bit too realistic if you know what I mean.

36. How about the cake that combines Thanksgiving and football?

Wait, is that a turkey or a football with drumsticks? Seriously, this might not have been a good idea.

Wait, is that a turkey or a football with drumsticks? Seriously, this might not have been a good idea.

37. Things seem to be getting wacky at NBC and not in a good way.

Seems like NBC wants to get in the Thanksgiving spirit by replacing their peacock with a turkey. Doesn't seem to take since the turkey might be tripping on something.

Seems like NBC wants to get in the Thanksgiving spirit by replacing their peacock with a turkey. Doesn’t seem to take since the turkey might be tripping on something.

38. Now here’s a great Thanksgiving cake straight from Jurassic Park.

This is not a turkey. It may be a velociraptor, Sesame Street puppet, or some kind of cartoon exotic bird. But it is not a turkey.

This is not a turkey. It may be a velociraptor, Sesame Street puppet, or some kind of cartoon exotic bird. But it is not a turkey.

39. Now this turkey can’t seem to get enough of the fireworks.

Because he seems to be bombarded by them all the time. Also, I didn't know turkeys can fly. Wait a minute, domestic ones can't while wild ones, not too well.

Because he seems to be bombarded by them all the time. Also, I didn’t know turkeys can fly. Wait a minute, domestic ones can’t while wild ones, not too well.

40. I’ll some turkey breast meat, thank you very much.

Actually, that's not what I had in mind. Besides, what farmers putting into their turkeys these days which causes them to grow mammaries? It's unnatural!

Actually, that’s not what I had in mind. Besides, what farmers putting into their turkeys these days which causes them to grow mammaries? It’s unnatural!

Vintage Thanksgiving Advertising in the Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now in case you don’t remember, Thanksgiving is a holiday that falls on the last Thursday of November between Halloween and Christmas. It’s the one in which was based off the large 1621 feast in present day Plymouth, Massachusetts between a group of English religious nuts in funny hats and buckled shoes and generous indigenous people who would later become victims of genocide. Still, you would know these groups as “Pilgrims” and “Indians” but if you want to know some of the details from the first Thanksgiving story, you might as well go to my movie history post on Colonial America (it’s the one with Daniel Day Lewis from Arthur Miller’s The Crucible). Anyway, kids make paper costumes and dress like them when they aren’t doing tracing their hands to make turkeys. Of course, it’s been a national holiday since the 1860s though, which might’ve been promoted by an editor of a ladies’ magazine. Anyway, this a time when American families all over the country gather together to give thanks and enjoy a meal consisting of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and perhaps a lot of things that aren’t really good for you. On the TV lineup, you have the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade special in the morning followed by The Purina National Dog Show hosted by John O’Hurley. Both programs are on NBC and in my house. The afternoon is mostly followed with football and an evening with either Thanksgiving programming or Christmas specials. As for me, my nuclear family just invites my grandparents and possibly out of state relatives for steak and shrimp since my mom’s one of eight kids who are mostly seeing their in-laws. Then we have Thanksgiving dinner on the day after, though I’m not sure if I’m going to make it this year since it would Black Friday and I accepted a retail job for the holiday season.

Now when we think of vintage ads pertaining to Thanksgiving, we tend to imagine the Norman Rockwell image of a family gathered at a large table featuring a succulent turkey. Of course, with the Christmas ad cavalcade, that we have any Thanksgiving advertising at all. However, many of these ads I feature in this post don’t really conform to that wholesome family image and may feature dishes that may be as bad on the eyes as they are in your arteries. So without further adieu, here some old timey Thanksgiving ads that you make you glad you didn’t live at that time.

1. Nothing goes better with Thanksgiving dinner than Rhinegold Beer.

Because after this woman is done killing, skinning, gutting, basting, and cooking the turkey, she's sure as hell going to need a drink.

Because after this woman is done killing, skinning, gutting, basting, and cooking the turkey, she’s sure as hell going to need a drink.

2. On this Thanksgiving, may Buster Brown help positively channel your children’s budding homicidal tendencies.

After a decade, and you might see that little boy with the axe in a newspaper listed as a prolific serial killer. I mean he obviously enjoys killing animals which means he's probably a raging psychopath in the making. And does that girl have blood spilling from her hand?

After a decade, and you might see that little boy with the axe in a newspaper listed as a prolific serial killer. I mean he obviously enjoys killing animals which means he’s probably a raging psychopath in the making. And does that girl have blood spilling from her hand?

3. Drink Budweiser for the first Thanksgiving was for corn.

For one, beer's made from hops, barely, and wheat, not corn. Second, what in the hell do Southwest Pueblo Indians have to do with Thanksgiving? The Indians at the first Thanksgiving were Algonquin for God's sake. And it took place in New England, not Arizona.

For one, beer’s made from hops, barely, and wheat, not corn. Second, what in the hell do Southwest Pueblo Indians have to do with Thanksgiving? The Indians at the first Thanksgiving were Algonquin for God’s sake. And it took place in New England, not Arizona!

4. Like the Pilgrims, enjoy your Thanksgiving with Heinz’s Boston Baked Beans.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston didn't even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston, Massachusetts didn’t even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false. Yet, there is a Boston in England though.

5. Nothing says Thanksgiving like super skinny model and four turkey dinners in the background.

Of course, the model here is encouraging women to buy knits that would help them cover the extra pounds they'd gain after eating a Thanksgiving dinner or two (if you count the in-laws).

Of course, the model here is encouraging women to buy knits that would help them cover the extra pounds they’d gain after eating a Thanksgiving dinner or two (if you count the in-laws). The model kind of reminds me as the bitchy ex-wife from My Name Is Earl if she wore attire from the 1960s.

6. Beer: The Thanksgiving beverage for the grownup table.

Guess you must be 21 years old to sit at the adult table in this family. Still, I guess the kiddies shouldn't disturb the adult family members while they're hammered on the Turkey Day booze.

Guess you must be 21 years old to sit at the adult table in this family. Still, I guess the kiddies shouldn’t disturb the adult family members while they’re hammered on the Turkey Day booze. And even Grandma gets a beer.

7. Try our new Campbell’s Turkey Noodle Soup.

Now turkey noodle soup is a dish people make with the leftover turkey bits after Thanksgiving. And it's much more healthy and hardy than whatever Campbell's shows here.

Now turkey noodle soup is a dish people make with the leftover turkey bits after Thanksgiving. And it’s much more healthy and hardy than whatever Campbell’s shows here. Still, a great taste of salty flavor. Mmmm…salt.

8. Butter always makes everything taste better even turkey in Canada, eh?

Now this is an ad for Thanksgiving Turkey from a Canadian company. Now Canada celebrates their Thanksgiving earlier. However, either way, a buttered turkey is bound not to be good for your cholesterol.

Now this is an ad for Thanksgiving Turkey from a Canadian company. Now Canada celebrates their Thanksgiving earlier. However, either way, a buttered turkey is bound not to be good for your cholesterol.

9. Whether it’s for chocolate cake, stuffed apples, and yams, marshmallows go well with everything.

Now I'm all right with having marshmallows in apples and cake. Yet, in a dish for sweet potatoes for dinner, well, that makes the Thanksgiving dinner on the Charlie Brown special seem fairly healthy by comparison.

Now I’m all right with having marshmallows in apples and cake. Yet, in a dish for sweet potatoes for dinner, well, that makes the Thanksgiving dinner on the Charlie Brown special seem fairly healthy by comparison.

10. For a finishing touch on your Thanksgiving dinner, here’s Maxwell Coffee.

Now I guess that none of the men at Thanksgiving won't be having any coffee, unless they're the designated driver. Most likely the coffee would be drank up by those who prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

Now I guess that none of the men at Thanksgiving won’t be having any coffee, unless they’re the designated driver. Most likely the coffee would be drank up by those who prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

11. Nothing makes a better Thanksgiving decoration than a cranberry scented candle.

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Helman's and the

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Hellman’s and the “candles” are supposed to be salads you have to eat? And there’s even a recipe for it listed. Now this is just fucked up. There’s really no way I’m going to eat food that’s being burned as a candle.

12. For a vegetable, go with Del Monte canned sweet corn because it’s soft on your grandpa’s dentures.

Now my family doesn't serve canned corn on Thanksgiving because it's out of season. However, the only reason why anyone in my house would buy canned corn is to donate to the food bank or to store in case of an apocalypse. Besides, canned veggies aren't really good for you anyway.

Now my family doesn’t serve canned corn on Thanksgiving because it’s out of season. However, the only reason why anyone in my house would buy canned corn is to donate to the food bank or to store in case of an apocalypse. Besides, canned veggies aren’t really good for you anyway.

13. Try to make him taste the best with Campbell’s soup.

Of course, Campbell's soup is great for flavoring the turkey, if you crave for that great salty taste of its chicken broth. As they sat at Campbell's,

Of course, Campbell’s soup is great for flavoring the turkey, if you crave for that great salty taste of its chicken broth. As they sat at Campbell’s, “Mmmm…Salt.” Oh, I’m sure the pilgrim will strangle the turkey to death all the way home. Also, why does the soup have to be tomato for God’s sake?

14. For the black woman, use Du Pont cellophane to seal the freshness of the Thanksgiving food that you’re never going to eat.

You can figure the woman in this ad isn't going to eat the food she's wrapping up because her wardrobe screams,

You can figure the woman in this ad isn’t going to eat the food she’s wrapping up because her wardrobe screams, “maid.” Let’s just say the black maid is a rather demeaning black stereotype, if you know what I mean.

15. Get that down home feel, with a pack of Winston’s cigarettes.

Of course, they'll be giving the kiddies exposure to second hand smoke. Also, I'm sure that down home taste isn't worth the possibility of spending your last years with no hair and a respirator.

Of course, they’ll be giving the kiddies exposure to second hand smoke. Also, I’m sure that down home taste isn’t worth the possibility of spending your last years with no hair and a respirator.

16. Have your cranberry surprise on a platter as a salad or an appetizer.

Now using cranberry sauce and fruit salad as a salad is one thing. But using it as a dip on an appetizer platter, now that's just disgusting.

Now using cranberry sauce and fruit salad as a salad is one thing. But using it as a dip on an appetizer platter, now that’s just disgusting.

17. Buy your Big Ben Westclock to make sure the turkey is baked just right, for death.

I'm sure the little girl and her grandma are so excited with the turkey coming out of the oven. Probably because they could lace it with arsenic laced gravy. Yeah, this is the Thanksgiving that will kill practically everyone.

I’m sure the little girl and her grandma are so excited with the turkey coming out of the oven. Probably because they could lace it with arsenic laced gravy. Yeah, this is the Thanksgiving that will kill practically everyone.

18. Try McCormick for your pumpkin spice pie or pumpkin spice latte.

I hope those black splotches on the pumpkin pie are either spice or burn marks. Let's hope it's not mildew shall we?

I hope those black splotches on the pumpkin pie are either spice or burn marks. Let’s hope it’s not mildew shall we? Because that would be gross.

19. Don’t have time to cook on Thanksgiving? Well, why don’t you buy a TV dinner?

I don't know about you, but I don't think someone who buys a frozen TV dinner for Thanksgiving has anyone to celebrate the holiday with. Either that or can't cook. Also, TV dinners aren't very good for you either.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think someone who buys a frozen TV dinner for Thanksgiving has anyone to celebrate the holiday with. Either that or can’t cook. Also, TV dinners aren’t very good for you either.

20. For actual Thanksgiving dishes, why don’t you go with borderline tupperware Pyrex?

Of course, I wonder how could this woman slave over cooking Thanksgiving dinner while still keeping herself so glamorous and her kitchen so tidy. I'm sure that women must envy her for those tasks seem impossible.

Of course, I wonder how could this woman slave over cooking Thanksgiving dinner while still keeping herself so glamorous and her kitchen so tidy. I’m sure that women must envy her for those tasks seem impossible.

21. Now join the veggie bandwagon with Lucky Strike cigarettes. It will give you a very good time.

If I were the turkey, I'd be as scared as hell of her running over me. Actually she kind of scares the hell out of me, too. Still, let's just say Lucky Strike was one of the more famous cigarettes that might lead you to an early death. Mostly because it had no filter.

If I were the turkey, I’d be as scared as hell of her running over me. Actually she kind of scares the hell out of me, too. Still, let’s just say Lucky Strike was one of the more famous cigarettes that might lead you to an early death. Mostly because it had no filter.

22. Make Schlitz your Thanksgiving beer as you pull the wishbone.

Let's hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and put go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

Let’s hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

23. Sorry, it’s dinner time, so just let us finish our beer.

While seeing guys drinking beer is something to be expected on Thanksgiving, I don't understand why they all have to be in suits. Seriously, on my family, a collared shirt and khakis are as formal as it goes.

While seeing guys drinking beer is something to be expected on Thanksgiving, I don’t understand why they all have to be in suits. Seriously, on my family, a collared shirt and khakis are as formal as it goes.

24. After Thanksgiving dinner, enjoy a smoke with Turkish tobacco.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the young guy's a soldier in WWI so that might the last time he takes a nice quiet smoke in any circumstance. Yet, there must be kids running around for sure.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the family who smokes together all dies of lung cancer.

25. Nothing says Thanksgiving greetings than a Western Union telegram.

Of course, while the creepy younger boy can't wait to eat, the girl doesn't seem too keen of eating a piece of steaming nightmare loaf. Oh, and Grandma forgives Dad for sending her to that rest home.

Of course, while the creepy younger boy can’t wait to eat, the girl doesn’t seem too keen of eating a piece of steaming nightmare loaf. Oh, and Grandma forgives Dad for sending her to that rest home.

26. Start your Thanksgiving with Cream of Wheat cereal.

Have to hand it to the offensive black stereotype Rastus to solve the world's hunger problems by carrying a turkey that could feed a small village and cereal.

Have to hand it to the offensive black stereotype Rastus to solve the world’s hunger problems by carrying a turkey that could feed a small village and cereal.

27. Drink some hot Dr. Pepper with lime for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now I don't know about you, but I think hot pop is not just disgusting but bound to rot your teeth. Oh, wait a minute, they're cocktails.

Now I don’t know about you, but I think hot pop is not just disgusting but bound to rot your teeth. Oh, wait a minute, they’re cocktails.

28. Now this woman doesn’t need a man to kill her turkey, all thanks to Chesterfield cigarettes.

Still, I don't think cigarettes have ever been tools for female empowerment. In fact, quite the opposite. Seriously, those smokers who can bag their own turkeys today, certainly won't tomorrow.

Still, I don’t think cigarettes have ever been tools for female empowerment. In fact, quite the opposite. Seriously, those smokers who can bag their own turkeys today, certainly won’t tomorrow.

29. How about taking your Thanksgiving turkey leftovers and putting them in a jello bowl to serve as a casserole?

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the stoner food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner.

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the college kid food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner. Just why do they seem to put jello in everything?

30. So what if you overate that Thanksgiving dinner? Why don’t you have a bottle of Coke and double decker sandwich?

Then again, since Thanksgiving weekend pertains to rampant Christmas shopping with Black Friday and the first day of buck season, this meal might not be a bad idea.

Then again, since Thanksgiving weekend pertains to rampant Christmas shopping with Black Friday and the first day of buck season, this meal might not be a bad idea. After all, some people will need the calories.

31. Butter your Thanksgiving bird with Keyko.

I don't know about you but somehow this ad makes a scene of a mother basting a turkey in front of her kids unintentionally terrifying.

I don’t know about you but somehow this ad makes a scene of a mother basting a turkey in front of her kids unintentionally terrifying. Still, buttered turkey is bound to clog your arteries.

32. Feast on Ocean Spray cranberries and enjoy them as the Pilgrims did.

Then again, even if the Pilgrims didn't eat cranberries on the first Thanksgiving, we can be sure that the Native Americans ate them. So this ad isn't completely wrong. However, I'm sure they didn't consume them with gelatin though. Nor did they make sundaes from them.

Then again, even if the Pilgrims didn’t eat cranberries on the first Thanksgiving, we can be sure that the Native Americans ate them. So this ad isn’t completely wrong. However, I’m sure they didn’t consume them with gelatin though. Nor did they make sundaes from them.

33. For Thanksgiving dinner, why not make orange marshmallow yam-yums?

Seriously, this is disgusting and definitely not good for you. I mean marshmallows are basically candy for God's sake. Seriously, how the hell did people come up with such recipes?

Seriously, this is disgusting and definitely not good for you. I mean marshmallows are basically candy for God’s sake. Seriously, how the hell did people come up with such recipes?

34. Smoking, like Thanksgiving is an American tradition.

Now this seems like a rather decent Thanksgiving ad. However, just because Americans have been smoking for centuries doesn't mean it's a tradition that should be encouraged.

Now this seems like a rather decent Thanksgiving ad. However, just because Americans have been smoking for centuries doesn’t mean it’s a tradition that should be encouraged.

35. Seagram’s Crown Whiskey, a great beverage for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now drinking beer on Thanksgiving is one thing. However, I'm sure whiskey is perhaps the kind of alcoholic drink you don't want at a family event. Still, this guy seems either hammered or can't resist the turkey smell.

Now drinking beer on Thanksgiving is one thing. However, I’m sure whiskey is perhaps the kind of alcoholic drink you don’t want at a family event. Still, this guy seems either hammered or can’t resist the turkey smell.

36. For Thanksgiving in 1942, top off your turkey dinner with some Schenley Whiskey.

Good God. I know that's not Jimmy Stewart because he's in his thirties at the time and is on his WWII hiatus (which means he has yet to make It's a Wonderful Life and a three Hitchcock flicks). Yet, when I saw this it just as if Jimmy Stewart arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving 1942 from 20 or 30 years to the future in a time machine.

Good God! I know that’s not Jimmy Stewart because he’s in his thirties at the time and is on his WWII hiatus (which means he has yet to make It’s a Wonderful Life and a three Hitchcock flicks). Yet, when I saw this it just as if Jimmy Stewart arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving 1942 from 20 or 30 years to the future in a time machine.

37. Behold, a turkey endorsing Schenley Whiskey as the Mayflower beckons in the distance.

Now I've seen turkeys before in cartoons and in real life. Now I can say that you may call wild turkey whiskey but that bird in the Pilgrim outfit depicted in the ad just looks like a rooster to me. More like a Rhode Island Red than Wild Turkey.

Now I’ve seen turkeys before in cartoons and in real life. Now I can say that you may call wild turkey whiskey but that bird in the Pilgrim outfit depicted in the ad just looks like a rooster to me. More like a Rhode Island Red than Wild Turkey.

38. For you digestion, smoke Camels cigarettes with everything so have a pack on the table to keep you company at all times.

On second thought, you might want to go with antacid, Tums, or Pepto. Let's just say smoking tobacco can result in cardiovascular disease, cancer, emphysema, COPD, asthma, skin yellowing, and early death.

On second thought, you might want to go with antacid, Tums, or Pepto. Let’s just say smoking tobacco can result in cardiovascular disease, cancer, emphysema, COPD, asthma, skin yellowing, and early death.

39. For those who can’t get a turkey for this Thanksgiving, why don’t you go with Spam Birds?

Actually spam has an even poorer nutritional quality than turkey or any meat in that matter. Then again, being WWII, I suppose people had to make do. Still, it's about as good a substitute for turkey as tofu and I'll leave it at that.

Actually spam has an even poorer nutritional quality than turkey or any meat in that matter. Then again, being WWII, I suppose people had to make do. Still, it’s about as good a substitute for turkey as tofu and I’ll leave it at that.

40. Buy some Dromedary Dates for your Thanksgiving fruitcake.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake. That is, unless it's covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake (or at least admits it). That is, unless it’s covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

41. Even though Mom had to slave all day in the kitchen cooking Thanksgiving dinner, she still had to be well made up with perfect hair.

Talk about setting impossible standards for women back in the day. Also, Dad seems to be wearing his suit and tie for some reason. Not to mention, the kitchen seems way too immaculate for any cooking to take place.

Talk about setting impossible standards for women back in the day. Also, Dad seems to be wearing his suit and tie for some reason. Not to mention, the kitchen seems way too immaculate for any cooking to take place.

42. For your mounds of cranberries in lettuce, use Hellman’s mayonnaise.

These are disgusting beyond all repute an hardly qualify for a salad. Also, the gelatine content must be insane.

These are disgusting beyond all repute an hardly qualify for a salad. Also, the gelatine content must be insane.

43. Celebrate Thanksgiving with a vegetable loaf containing apple rings, mashed potatoes, and “cranberry turkey.”

Now I suppose this was the vegetarian option back in the day. Still, whatever a

Now I suppose this was the vegetarian option back in the day. Still, whatever a “cranberry turkey” is, I don’t want to know.

44. Happy Thanksgiving, now bring on the beer.

Yeah, everything Thanksgiving seems to be here. I mean they got turkey, china, candles, and booze. Still, the adults are going to be buzzed when dinner's over.

Yeah, everything Thanksgiving seems to be here. I mean they got turkey, china, candles, and booze. Still, the adults are going to be buzzed when dinner’s over.

45. It’s always great for Dad to don his chef’s hat and help out baking the turkey.

Still, it doesn't hurt Mom that he has a nice tight ass she could stare at while she's tossing her salad. Guess this is an ideal 1950s marriage at its finest.

Still, it doesn’t hurt Mom that he has a nice tight ass she could stare at while she’s tossing her salad. Guess this is an ideal 1950s marriage at its finest.

46. For comfort on your Thanksgiving, there’s Carter’s Trigs.

Most awkward father and son camping trip ever. Also, a blunderbuss, really? You know you have to load them every single time you fire it.

Most awkward father and son camping trip ever. Also, a blunderbuss, really? You know you have to load them every single time you fire it.

47. Shop at Gray’s Market for Thanksgiving with native turkeys.

"Wonder when he finds out it's poison. Now he's sure to croak any time now. Can't wait until the life insurance pays out."

“Wonder when he finds out it’s poison. Now he’s sure to croak any time now. Can’t wait until the life insurance pays out.”

48. Budweiser – the official beer for Thanksgiving.

Guess after Thanksgiving every adult will be afflicted with tryptophan and a hangover. Real American tradition.

Guess after Thanksgiving every adult will be afflicted with tryptophan and a hangover. Real American tradition.

49. Happy Thanksgiving by the General Telephone System and Paul Bunyan.

Hey, I didn't know Paul Bunyan was present during the first Thanksgiving. And why is he wearing denim jeans and a workingman's collar shirt form the 20th century?

Hey, I didn’t know Paul Bunyan was present during the first Thanksgiving. And why is he wearing denim jeans and a workingman’s collar shirt form the 20th century?

50. Look your best for Thanksgiving with these Arrow shirts.

And I'm not sure whether these guys are looking at the turkey or the old lady's ass. Dr. Freud might want to look into this.

And I’m not sure whether these guys are looking at the turkey or the old lady’s ass. Dr. Freud might want to look into this.