According to a description: “With salmon egg being its key component, this cream is rich in vitamins and minerals beneficial to the skin. It regulates the skin’s moisture and nutrition production to be able to enhance its color, texture and overall condition. It is great for hypersensitive skin, aging/sagging skin and dull skin as it has nourishing properties that can help eliminate skin imperfections.” Not sure if I buy it.

Because why waste so much money on facelifts and Botox, when you can use this? Also, great for freaking out people who are afraid of needles.

I think you have to put the pink oversized tweezers on your face. If you want to see how stupid it looks, there are plenty of pictures of women using it on the Internet.

Didn’t know the seeds you use on Chia pets and heads had skin moisturizing properties. Said to be for particularly oily skin.

Sorry, but animal prints are tacky. But luckily these are temporary.

Just put these 2 silicon falsies in your bra and no one will notice. Though you can also stuff socks in your bra which might be cheaper.

Think of it as a push up bra for your ass. Bet this product was made possible by Kim Kardashian.

Because it’s not just football players who need extra butt padding. Though they have more of a reason to use these.

I know it looks like 2 bows you use to shoot at flies with tiny arrows. But if you have a stray hair, this will help you pull it out without much fuss. Also, a pair tweezers you probably already have.

Because nothing feels better than to rid your drying skin through molting. Okay, that’s kind of disgusting.

Wow! Didn’t know that mayonaise was a hair enhancement. Yet, unlike the real Helman’s, it smells like vanilla. But don’t use it on your sandwich.

From Drama Fever: “Oink oink! Rich in nutritious elements, this pig collagen gel mask is made with 10,000 ppm collagen from pig skin. Why pig collagen you ask? Pig collagen, much like human collagen, helps to keep your skin hydrated skin and enhance it’s elasticity. This mask can help diminish fine lines, increase your skin’s luminosity, and promote supple, baby soft skin.” Uh, no thanks.

For one, I have no idea how skin moisturizers work. Second, I have a strong suspicion this is a scam product for some reason.

I can see the appeal of these since putting on false lashes must be a real pain in the ass. But since people aren’t made of metal, how are lashes supposed to stay up there?

Yes, they resemble small wine bottles. And if you own a vineyard and want to earn a few extra bucks, perhaps consider selling these.

It’s supposed to save you from wasting makeup. Yeah, I don’t see the point of this either.

From Odyssey Online: “This balm stain applies on clear then reacts with your skin’s pH levels, uniquely creating the perfect shade of pink lips just for you. Each Flower Balm contains a real chrysanthemum in the color of your choice.”

Said to be the #1 eyeliner at Hogwarts. Then again, they probably use some magic concoction from Diagon Alley.

Well, that seems rather handy. Except that the bottle seems rather large.

If you don’t like getting mascara from the tube, this is for you at $49. Also available in a rectangular box, too.

Each of these brushes has a unicorn horn handle and rainbow bristles. Please stop the unjust slaughter of these beautiful creatures.

These would be perfect for any sex dungeon, gay bar, or bachelorette party. Available at Spencer’s in all locations.

Because why go with traditional lip shades when you have other colors to choose from? Available at your local rave party or clown store.

From SPY: “While medical research on the connection between snail secretions and improved skin is still inconclusive, there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest this stuff actually works. Snail slime is secreted to protect their exposed bodies from harm (i.e. bacteria and UV rays), and thus the mollusks secrete a “slime” that is packed with elastin, antibacterials, proteins and glycolic acid. These “ingredients” are all commonly used in skincare to treat acne, aging skin and sagging. Countless reviewers swear by this stuff too, claiming it helped erase fine lines and helps to keep breakouts at bay.” I’ll pass.

Though all of them seem to be of similar size and thickness. Besides, those flowers don’t resemble roses.

Sounds like something you’d eat instead of what you put on your skin. Said to have all natural ingredients. Not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

Said to plump your lips in a flash. Contains a super-potent lip serum according to SPY. Probably pass on this one.

Oh, Japan, you never cease to amaze me. Though using a sauna bet to sweat out body fat is one, this is a whole other level.

So before you go to bed, don’t forget to put some ass’s milk in your face. Said to provide vitamins and minerals, apparently.

From PopSugar: “Though you might look a bit like the newest member of Daft Punk while sporting this futuristic face mask, the benefits it claims to provide — clearer, healthier skin — are totally worth it.” Also doubles as a Halloween costume.

Because nothing says, “I’m either very rich or have bad spending habits,” then $122 of fish egg based beauty products. Probably not worth it.

I suppose this is made with sheep placenta. Then again, it being from New Zealand shouldn’t surprise us. Though if we want to know the best anti-aging product from New Zealand, your best bet is the Ring of Power. Okay, it might work for awhile before turning you evil and insane. But that’s beside the point.

Still, $250,000 is a bit much to spend for a bottle of nail polish. Seriously, you can buy a house with that kind of money.

Supposed to hydrate and plump lips. Though wear it in public and people will think something’s up with you.

For nothing makes your face glow like using a cream containing a vegetable you were forced to eat as a child. Though perhaps eating broccoli might achieve the same results and more.

Though from how I see the woman wearing it, I don’t think it actually works. But it works for me since it just looks totally ridiculous.

Seems like she’s sticking her swollen tongue out. Like she experienced some allergic reaction and now needs rushed to the hospital.

Also makes a great torture device. That one scene in A Clockwork Orange would’ve looked a lot differently with these to keep the main character’s eyes open.

One commentator on Bored Panda remarked, “Side affect of chin hammock: compression of the remaining facial features, resulting in Resting Bitch Face.” Doesn’t look very comfortable to wear either.

Said to come in handy if you’ve eaten beans. Or if the farm next to you has just spread manure.

Though it only works best when you’re snorting. Otherwise, not so much.

Let’s just say if Adrien Brody doesn’t feel like he needs these nasal enhancements, neither do you. Unless he works at a pig farm.

Yet, I’m sure this will make you a darling at the Star Trek convention. Don’t be surprised if Captain Kirk wants to add you to your collection.

Now if you plan on getting a facial tattoo, I have just one question: Why? Seriously, getting a tattoo on your face is just incredibly dumb in itself.

Hmmm…might actually work. Also does well as a cat toy.

Though that treatment didn’t work for a blonde woman from Goldfinger. Then again, she didn’t willingly use a gold treatment either.

Anyone bet this is used to keep the night creams on your face. Still, looks like a badly done clown makeup job.

As someone on Bored Panda wrote: “She looks like she could do with a nice glass of chianti and some Fava beans.” Also, the spikes inside can’t be comfortable.

Also works well in holdups, killing teenagers, and Halloween. Guaranteed to freak out the neighbors.

A must-have for the latest dominatrix couture for all your BDSM sex dungeon. Available at all kinky sex shops nationwide.

It’s a power sander for your feet which you can use for sandal season. So you won’t have to wear socks under them and look like an idiot.

From Allure: “A neoprene mask that looks like it’s from Hannibal Lecter’s Hello Kitty phase, the device supposedly contours your face while you go along with your day. You can do dishes, read a book, watch some TV, all while wearing a face-only Power Rangers costume.”

From Allure: “No, that’s not a waterproof beach boom box or a chic humidifier for your daughter to take away to college. It’s Bliss’s cellulite-disguising vacuum that sucks and rolls your skin to look less lumpy in three minutes a day.”

From Allure: “At first sight, it seems to be a photo-booth prop (we’ll hold the white mustache!), but it’s really a handy tool for a mess-free eye-makeup application. Hold it under your eyes so mascara and eye shadow don’t flake or fall on to your undereye concealer. Makeup artists use Kleenex as guards, but the handle makes this easier to finagle.”

Yes, it may resemble a medieval torture device that you’d give to a baby boy. Still, what’s even more criminal is that it’s a plastic thing costing $200.

They say it’s supposed to be a Britta for your showerhead. As if you really need that, especially at $130.

Because why thread or wax, when you can roll a coil over facial hair and pull it out by the roots? You know what also works? Tweezers.

Because if you want lips like Lady Gaga, David Bowie, and Elton John, you have to go beyond the traditional shade. Each tattoo lasts 4-8 hours.

Sure it resembles a medieval weapon you’d give to a budding noble lady. Still, not sure if I want to use it.

From The Gloss: “Last but certainly not least is a sheet mask that I will never, ever put on my face no matter what but if putting placenta on your skin is something your into, by all means, have a blast. Though, it is tempting because the mask will make you look like an adorable, slimy raccoon.”

From Ranker: “The Methyl Aminomethylcyclohexane Carboxamide (MACC-PD) in this creme apparently revs up the lymphatic system. Yeah, we know that’s a lot of science all at once. Basically, it’s supposed to get rid of all the waste that causes wrinkles.” Costs about $1,000. And I bought my new laptop for less than half of that.

From Style Caster: “Now, your curling wand can magically do the work for you. Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret is a curling device that has a rotating bit that sucks in a section of hair to coil it around its heated ceramic center to make a perfectly proportioned curl before you wind your hair back out. Sounds scary? This thing has two heat settling and timer settings so you don’t over-fry your hair. Listen for the beep to know when your curl is ‘done.'”

Yes, you kind of wished these were cotton balls. And you have to put them on your fingers. Though I’d rather boil these and turn them into a silk scarf.

Now you can either dress up as Hannibal Lector or the Phantom of the Opera. Okay, the Phantom only wears half a mask, but still I don’t care.

So how do you whiten your teeth with charcoal? Because its powdery blackness doesn’t really convince me.

Just put your hand under the tubes and pump air on it. Not sure if this works like a charm.

Now I love cream cheese which I’d put on basket crackers. But this is utterly ridiculous on so many levels.

Well, sure seems like a real time saver. Though I don’t really feel like stamping my brows anyway.

You use it to trim excess body hair. And you can charge it on your computer.

Is it a towel or washcloth? Who cares? If you need a cleanse, this cloth is for you. Comes in 3 different colors.

It’s made of bird’s saliva, by the way. Yes, I know that’s completely disgusting.

Yes, I know what it looks like. But it’s for the eyes, not the other part you’re thinking about.

Yes, this one is from Japan. And yes, they never cease to come up with crazy stuff to do to your face.

Well, these have rainbow mermaid fish tails. So if you have a sea themed vanity, these are for you.

Actually you might want to go to the beach for the black algae treatment. It will cost less than $390.

From Ranker: “All you need is 28 days and a small fortune to smooth those fine lines and wrinkles.” Well, a small fortune of $1,550 which is more than 3 times the amount I paid for a new laptop.

Yes, you remove hair with this. Still, I think it would be easier to do it with tweezers. Works for me.

From Stylecaster: “You know how you always seen backstage beauty shots of models getting ready for the runway with metal clamps around tissue paper holding their hair back? Hair velcro is the same concept, sans clamps and doesn’t leave any kinks or marks as you keep your bangs and baby hairs pulled back while you do your makeup, wash your face, or just want your hair out of your face. They release easily without pulling too since the velcro is shallow.”

For $300, this hair dryer should also give you a back massage. Because $300 is a ridiculous price for a hair dryer.

From Refinery 29: “Why spend a ton of money on regular hair dyes when you can pop a pill to banish those dreaded gray hairs? And, if you like these, perhaps we can interest you in this bottled fairy dust we have over here. “

From Refinery 29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”

From Refinery29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”

From Refinery29: We all want smooth feet, right? Sure — but Baby Foot takes that a step further. You apply the pads, and then a few days later, the skin on your feet peels off in one sheet. Your feet molt. Do a Google search of this product and see the results — we dare you.”

From Refinery29: “Not only is it a pad that absorbs the smell of your farts, but it’s also reusable. Excuse us while we gag.”

From Refinery29: “We swear by the BeautyBlender, but do we really need to worship it on an elaborate, bejeweled throne? You decide.”

From Refinery29: “This Ring Pop- shaped contraption holds your polish for you while you paint your nails — in case you are painting your nails in space, for example.” Kind of makes sense.

From Refinery29: “We have trouble with getting our cat eyes even, sure. But is a protractor really necessary?”

From Refinery29: “Well, at least this product is innovative. But do you really want a haircut from your vacuum?” No, definitely not.

From Refinery29: “A hands-free hair dryer — what could possibly go wrong?” Recommended best of Hindu gods, apparently.

From Refinery29: “Placenta hair masks definitely fall under the far, far “beyond” of Bed, Bath, & Beyond.” No, just no. Henna’s fine but placenta? No.

From Refinery29: “You could spend $250 on a device that supposedly re-seals your split ends. Or, you know, just set aside $45 for a trim. Up to you.” I’ll take $45 for a trim, thank you very much.

Refinery29: “We’re a little wary using this terrifying, Jaws-like contraption near our eyes, TBH.” Yes, it looks quite menacing.

By the way, only 50 bottles of this stuff are made every year. And they cost $1,800 each. Not worth it.

From Ranker: ” Beauty
What’s that? You’ve got some 24K gold dust in your eye? Well, the price is definitely something to cry about. ” Costs $236. Also, Lenny Kravitz wore gold eyelashes in The Hunger Games.

Not sure how this works. But it can possibly go with mood rings and other mood shit.

Sure it might seem that you have pincers on your fingers. I know it looks pretty ridiculous.

From PopSugar: “Whether you’re in need of a novelty gift for your favorite cheese-loving friend or want an instant way to make your face great again, this limited-edition Cheetos bronzer is something you may want to start hunting down online.” Still, why anyone would want a complexion of Donald Trump or an Oompah Loompah is beyond me.

From Ranker: “Yup, that 24K means gold. Real gold, people! For your face!” Though $1,000 is way too much for a facial treatment.

From Ranker: “Photo: Amazon
All you need is just one wash! At least that’s what the website says…” Though $140 is a steep price for a shampoo.

Though you might find it at any drugstore, it’s probably best you don’t undergo this treatment in front of your black friends. Because a black facial carries a host of deeply racist implications.