I may not use many beauty products on a regular basis. But even I am aware how far women go to look beautiful. Or at least conform to the standards of beauty of any given time when people expect us to. After all, applying makeup has become a daily ritual for millions of women in western civilization. Every day, we’re all exposed to constant advertising for cosmetics, hygiene products, skin care stuff, hair care items, and anything to enhance on beauty. Because there’s anything advertisers know about women, it’s preying on their insecurities, particularly on personal appearance. Because if you want to get by in life, you have to look pretty, ladies. Or at least try to maintain your physical appearance. Though I usually try to get by with walking a few miles a few days a week along with a shower every other day. Because let’s just say during my high school and college years, I have very little time to paint my face and would rather have my morning routine be as brief as possible. Save on certain occasions like appearing on TV or weddings. Besides, makeup clogs pores, costs money, and doesn’t have the kind of oversight it should under the FDA. However, I do have a certain fascination of crazy products which I like to put in my blog. And beauty products tend to fall in that category. Do a search and you’ll find all kinds of stuff that’s said to enhance your physical appearance. Though I would take that with a grain of salt. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of ridiculous beauty products that you can actually buy. Despite that you actually have to be nuts to do so.
- Skin troubles? Try some Besolbo Salmon Egg Return Cream Sleeping Renewal Pack.
According to a description: “With salmon egg being its key component, this cream is rich in vitamins and minerals beneficial to the skin. It regulates the skin’s moisture and nutrition production to be able to enhance its color, texture and overall condition. It is great for hypersensitive skin, aging/sagging skin and dull skin as it has nourishing properties that can help eliminate skin imperfections.” Not sure if I buy it.
2. Worried about wrinkles? Try some anti-aging serum with this non-surgical syringe.
Because why waste so much money on facelifts and Botox, when you can use this? Also, great for freaking out people who are afraid of needles.
3. Enhance your eyebrows with the Billion Dollar Brow Buddy Kit.
I think you have to put the pink oversized tweezers on your face. If you want to see how stupid it looks, there are plenty of pictures of women using it on the Internet.
4. For better skin, try Chia Seed no shine hydrating cream.
Didn’t know the seeds you use on Chia pets and heads had skin moisturizing properties. Said to be for particularly oily skin.
5. Let out your wild side with these animal print eye shadow tattoos.
Sorry, but animal prints are tacky. But luckily these are temporary.
6. Want to enhance your breasts without expensive plastic surgery? Try these.
Just put these 2 silicon falsies in your bra and no one will notice. Though you can also stuff socks in your bra which might be cheaper.
7. Want a nice shapely rear end? Then we have Booty Pop Panties for you.
Think of it as a push up bra for your ass. Bet this product was made possible by Kim Kardashian.
8. If that’s not for you, enhance your ass with Love My Bubbles Butt Pads.
Because it’s not just football players who need extra butt padding. Though they have more of a reason to use these.
9. Got some stray hairs on your face? Use this handy hair removal tool.
I know it looks like 2 bows you use to shoot at flies with tiny arrows. But if you have a stray hair, this will help you pull it out without much fuss. Also, a pair tweezers you probably already have.
10. If you have dry skin on your feet, try some Etud Bebe foot mask.
Because nothing feels better than to rid your drying skin through molting. Okay, that’s kind of disgusting.
11. Got dry, damaged hair? Treat it with Haeyo Mayo Hair Nutrition Pack.
Wow! Didn’t know that mayonaise was a hair enhancement. Yet, unlike the real Helman’s, it smells like vanilla. But don’t use it on your sandwich.
12. Want to ask how Miss Piggy has such fine skin? Now you can know her secret with this Pig-Collagen mask.
From Drama Fever: “Oink oink! Rich in nutritious elements, this pig collagen gel mask is made with 10,000 ppm collagen from pig skin. Why pig collagen you ask? Pig collagen, much like human collagen, helps to keep your skin hydrated skin and enhance it’s elasticity. This mask can help diminish fine lines, increase your skin’s luminosity, and promote supple, baby soft skin.” Uh, no thanks.
13. With JeNu Ultrasonic Infuser, your skin care products can go deeper into your skin.
For one, I have no idea how skin moisturizers work. Second, I have a strong suspicion this is a scam product for some reason.
14. Now put some false eyelashes on with the power of magnetism.
I can see the appeal of these since putting on false lashes must be a real pain in the ass. But since people aren’t made of metal, how are lashes supposed to stay up there?
15. With these lipsticks, your lips can match the color of your favorite vintage.
Yes, they resemble small wine bottles. And if you own a vineyard and want to earn a few extra bucks, perhaps consider selling these.
16. Clean your pores with this silisponge.
It’s supposed to save you from wasting makeup. Yeah, I don’t see the point of this either.
17. Keep your lips moist with some flower balm.
From Odyssey Online: “This balm stain applies on clear then reacts with your skin’s pH levels, uniquely creating the perfect shade of pink lips just for you. Each Flower Balm contains a real chrysanthemum in the color of your choice.”
18. Line your eyes with Inked Cushion Liner.
Said to be the #1 eyeliner at Hogwarts. Then again, they probably use some magic concoction from Diagon Alley.
19. Use every last bit with your very own beauty spatula.
Well, that seems rather handy. Except that the bottle seems rather large.
20. Dress your eyelashes with Besame Cosmetics mascara cake.
If you don’t like getting mascara from the tube, this is for you at $49. Also available in a rectangular box, too.
21. With these brushes, you can make applying makeup a magical time.
Each of these brushes has a unicorn horn handle and rainbow bristles. Please stop the unjust slaughter of these beautiful creatures.
22. Have your lips shine with Big Daddy lipstick.
These would be perfect for any sex dungeon, gay bar, or bachelorette party. Available at Spencer’s in all locations.
23. Customize your lips with Pony’s DIY lip palette.
Because why go with traditional lip shades when you have other colors to choose from? Available at your local rave party or clown store.
24. Treat your skin with some snail mucus cream.
From SPY: “While medical research on the connection between snail secretions and improved skin is still inconclusive, there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest this stuff actually works. Snail slime is secreted to protect their exposed bodies from harm (i.e. bacteria and UV rays), and thus the mollusks secrete a “slime” that is packed with elastin, antibacterials, proteins and glycolic acid. These “ingredients” are all commonly used in skincare to treat acne, aging skin and sagging. Countless reviewers swear by this stuff too, claiming it helped erase fine lines and helps to keep breakouts at bay.” I’ll pass.
25. Rose brushes keep all your makeup needs in one place.
Though all of them seem to be of similar size and thickness. Besides, those flowers don’t resemble roses.
26. Cleanse your skin with Grain Ferment Cleansing Sherbet.
Sounds like something you’d eat instead of what you put on your skin. Said to have all natural ingredients. Not sure what that’s supposed to mean.
27. Get luscious lips with a PMD “kiss” lip pumping device.
Said to plump your lips in a flash. Contains a super-potent lip serum according to SPY. Probably pass on this one.
28. Slim out your face with a Geranium Kogao Sauna Face Mask.
Oh, Japan, you never cease to amaze me. Though using a sauna bet to sweat out body fat is one, this is a whole other level.
29. Keep your face rejuvenated with this Donkey Milk Holic Sleeping Mask.
So before you go to bed, don’t forget to put some ass’s milk in your face. Said to provide vitamins and minerals, apparently.
30. Clear your acne woes with this Neutrogena Acne Clearing Mask.
From PopSugar: “Though you might look a bit like the newest member of Daft Punk while sporting this futuristic face mask, the benefits it claims to provide — clearer, healthier skin — are totally worth it.” Also doubles as a Halloween costume.
31. Look like a beauty queen with an Alterna Caviar Clinical Starter Kit.
Because nothing says, “I’m either very rich or have bad spending habits,” then $122 of fish egg based beauty products. Probably not worth it.
32. Get rid of those wrinkles with Placenta anti-wrinkle cream.
I suppose this is made with sheep placenta. Then again, it being from New Zealand shouldn’t surprise us. Though if we want to know the best anti-aging product from New Zealand, your best bet is the Ring of Power. Okay, it might work for awhile before turning you evil and insane. But that’s beside the point.
33. Every princess deserves the finest such as Azature Black Diamond Nail Polish.
Still, $250,000 is a bit much to spend for a bottle of nail polish. Seriously, you can buy a house with that kind of money.
34. Moisturize your lips with these gel face masks.
Supposed to hydrate and plump lips. Though wear it in public and people will think something’s up with you.
35. Make your skin shine with Broccoli Radiance Power Cream.
For nothing makes your face glow like using a cream containing a vegetable you were forced to eat as a child. Though perhaps eating broccoli might achieve the same results and more.
36. This smile trainer will help you put on a happy face.
Though from how I see the woman wearing it, I don’t think it actually works. But it works for me since it just looks totally ridiculous.
37. Get the lips you want with this plumper.
Seems like she’s sticking her swollen tongue out. Like she experienced some allergic reaction and now needs rushed to the hospital.
38. Keep your eyes perky with this eyelid trainer.
Also makes a great torture device. That one scene in A Clockwork Orange would’ve looked a lot differently with these to keep the main character’s eyes open.
39. Banish that double chin with this anti-double chin bandage.
One commentator on Bored Panda remarked, “Side affect of chin hammock: compression of the remaining facial features, resulting in Resting Bitch Face.” Doesn’t look very comfortable to wear either.
40. This nose straightener will keep your schnozz in check.
Said to come in handy if you’ve eaten beans. Or if the farm next to you has just spread manure.
41. For an elegant profile, go with this nose shaper.
Though it only works best when you’re snorting. Otherwise, not so much.
42. Enhance your beauty with this quality nose shaper.
Let’s just say if Adrien Brody doesn’t feel like he needs these nasal enhancements, neither do you. Unless he works at a pig farm.
43. Do you eyebrows right with this stencil.
Yet, I’m sure this will make you a darling at the Star Trek convention. Don’t be surprised if Captain Kirk wants to add you to your collection.
44. Getting your facial tattoo? Might want to rely on this for some measurements.
Now if you plan on getting a facial tattoo, I have just one question: Why? Seriously, getting a tattoo on your face is just incredibly dumb in itself.
45. Put less strain on your face with is face massager.
Hmmm…might actually work. Also does well as a cat toy.
46. Give your skin the golden touch with a face mask of gold leaf.
Though that treatment didn’t work for a blonde woman from Goldfinger. Then again, she didn’t willingly use a gold treatment either.
47. A silicone face mask is perfect for your beauty needs.
Anyone bet this is used to keep the night creams on your face. Still, looks like a badly done clown makeup job.
48. Enhance your beauty with this facelift bandage with spikes inside.
As someone on Bored Panda wrote: “She looks like she could do with a nice glass of chianti and some Fava beans.” Also, the spikes inside can’t be comfortable.
49. Tone your face with this anti-wrinkle face mask.
Also works well in holdups, killing teenagers, and Halloween. Guaranteed to freak out the neighbors.
50. Speaking of anti-wrinkle masks, this one banishes the lines on your face guaranteed.
A must-have for the latest dominatrix couture for all your BDSM sex dungeon. Available at all kinky sex shops nationwide.
51. Get smooth feet with an Amope Pedi Perfect.
It’s a power sander for your feet which you can use for sandal season. So you won’t have to wear socks under them and look like an idiot.
52. Enhance your face with this anti-wrinkle half face slimming cheek mask.
From Allure: “A neoprene mask that looks like it’s from Hannibal Lecter’s Hello Kitty phase, the device supposedly contours your face while you go along with your day. You can do dishes, read a book, watch some TV, all while wearing a face-only Power Rangers costume.”
53. Get rid of excess cellulite with this Bliss Lean Machine.
From Allure: “No, that’s not a waterproof beach boom box or a chic humidifier for your daughter to take away to college. It’s Bliss’s cellulite-disguising vacuum that sucks and rolls your skin to look less lumpy in three minutes a day.”
54. Make applying mascara easier with E.l.f. mascara and shadow shield.
From Allure: “At first sight, it seems to be a photo-booth prop (we’ll hold the white mustache!), but it’s really a handy tool for a mess-free eye-makeup application. Hold it under your eyes so mascara and eye shadow don’t flake or fall on to your undereye concealer. Makeup artists use Kleenex as guards, but the handle makes this easier to finagle.”
55. Get smooth skin with a Rodan + Fields Redefine Amp MD System.
Yes, it may resemble a medieval torture device that you’d give to a baby boy. Still, what’s even more criminal is that it’s a plastic thing costing $200.
56. Get the Kim Basinger radiant hair with the T3 Source Shower Filter Showerhead.
They say it’s supposed to be a Britta for your showerhead. As if you really need that, especially at $130.
57. Get rid of stray facial hairs Tweezerman Smooth Finish Facial Hair Remover.
Because why thread or wax, when you can roll a coil over facial hair and pull it out by the roots? You know what also works? Tweezers.
58. Make your lips sensational with these Violent Lips Lip Tattoos.
Because if you want lips like Lady Gaga, David Bowie, and Elton John, you have to go beyond the traditional shade. Each tattoo lasts 4-8 hours.
59. Create easy curls with your very own 3D Bomb Brush.
Sure it resembles a medieval weapon you’d give to a budding noble lady. Still, not sure if I want to use it.
60. Keep your skin smooth with a Berrisom Animal facial mask.
From The Gloss: “Last but certainly not least is a sheet mask that I will never, ever put on my face no matter what but if putting placenta on your skin is something your into, by all means, have a blast. Though, it is tempting because the mask will make you look like an adorable, slimy raccoon.”
61. Rev up your lymphatic system with a Cle de Peau Synactif Crème.
From Ranker: “The Methyl Aminomethylcyclohexane Carboxamide (MACC-PD) in this creme apparently revs up the lymphatic system. Yeah, we know that’s a lot of science all at once. Basically, it’s supposed to get rid of all the waste that causes wrinkles.” Costs about $1,000. And I bought my new laptop for less than half of that.
62. With Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret, nothing will stop you from curly locks.
From Style Caster: “Now, your curling wand can magically do the work for you. Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret is a curling device that has a rotating bit that sucks in a section of hair to coil it around its heated ceramic center to make a perfectly proportioned curl before you wind your hair back out. Sounds scary? This thing has two heat settling and timer settings so you don’t over-fry your hair. Listen for the beep to know when your curl is ‘done.'”
63. Get rid of dead skin with these silk worm cocoons.
Yes, you kind of wished these were cotton balls. And you have to put them on your fingers. Though I’d rather boil these and turn them into a silk scarf.
64. Keep your face radiant with a Lace Hydrogel Mask Sheet.
Now you can either dress up as Hannibal Lector or the Phantom of the Opera. Okay, the Phantom only wears half a mask, but still I don’t care.
65. Shine your pearly whites with some charcoal teeth whitener.
So how do you whiten your teeth with charcoal? Because its powdery blackness doesn’t really convince me.
66. Dry your nails with this contraption.
Just put your hand under the tubes and pump air on it. Not sure if this works like a charm.
67. Make dreams come true with some cheese cream.
Now I love cream cheese which I’d put on basket crackers. But this is utterly ridiculous on so many levels.
68. Instead of lining your eyebrows, how about stamp them?
Well, sure seems like a real time saver. Though I don’t really feel like stamping my brows anyway.
69. Have to shave? Try this new trimmer.
You use it to trim excess body hair. And you can charge it on your computer.
70. Get yourself clean with a Salux Japanese Beauty Bath Washcloth/Towel.
Is it a towel or washcloth? Who cares? If you need a cleanse, this cloth is for you. Comes in 3 different colors.
71. Keep your eyes rejuvenated with Bird’s Nest Aqua Eyepatch.
It’s made of bird’s saliva, by the way. Yes, I know that’s completely disgusting.
72. Got puffy eyes? Try this heated, vibrating wand for size.
Yes, I know what it looks like. But it’s for the eyes, not the other part you’re thinking about.
73. Everyone should have something to massage their face.
Yes, this one is from Japan. And yes, they never cease to come up with crazy stuff to do to your face.
74. There’s something fishy about these brushes.
Well, these have rainbow mermaid fish tails. So if you have a sea themed vanity, these are for you.
75. Make your skin clean with ocean riches thanks to Givenchy Le Soin Noir with Black Algae Sap.
Actually you might want to go to the beach for the black algae treatment. It will cost less than $390.
76. Smooth these fine lines and wrinkles with Guerlain Orchidee Imperiale Treatment.
From Ranker: “All you need is 28 days and a small fortune to smooth those fine lines and wrinkles.” Well, a small fortune of $1,550 which is more than 3 times the amount I paid for a new laptop.
77. Remove excess hair with this home threading tool.
Yes, you remove hair with this. Still, I think it would be easier to do it with tweezers. Works for me.
78. Get your hair in model shape with hair Velcro.
From Stylecaster: “You know how you always seen backstage beauty shots of models getting ready for the runway with metal clamps around tissue paper holding their hair back? Hair velcro is the same concept, sans clamps and doesn’t leave any kinks or marks as you keep your bangs and baby hairs pulled back while you do your makeup, wash your face, or just want your hair out of your face. They release easily without pulling too since the velcro is shallow.”
79. Get your hair dry with this Harry Josh Pro Tools Pro Dryer 2000.
For $300, this hair dryer should also give you a back massage. Because $300 is a ridiculous price for a hair dryer.
80. Got gray hair? Take these Gray Hair Rescind Capsules.
From Refinery 29: “Why spend a ton of money on regular hair dyes when you can pop a pill to banish those dreaded gray hairs? And, if you like these, perhaps we can interest you in this bottled fairy dust we have over here. “
81. Trinity Facial Toner gives you a face lift at home.
From Refinery 29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”
82. Shave your legs and attract your lover with Crazy Girls Wanna Be Naked shaving cream.
From Refinery29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”
83. Get smooth feet with the Baby Foot Easy Pack.
From Refinery29: We all want smooth feet, right? Sure — but Baby Foot takes that a step further. You apply the pads, and then a few days later, the skin on your feet peels off in one sheet. Your feet molt. Do a Google search of this product and see the results — we dare you.”
84. To ward off the smell of a silent but deadly, a Flat-D Flatulence Deodorizer is for you.
From Refinery29: “Not only is it a pad that absorbs the smell of your farts, but it’s also reusable. Excuse us while we gag.”
85. Apply your makeup with a Beauty Blender Bling Ring Kit.
From Refinery29: “We swear by the BeautyBlender, but do we really need to worship it on an elaborate, bejeweled throne? You decide.”
86. Do your nails with this Ring Pop nail polish holder.
From Refinery29: “This Ring Pop- shaped contraption holds your polish for you while you paint your nails — in case you are painting your nails in space, for example.” Kind of makes sense.
87. Get the right eye look with these Beth Bender Beauty eyeliner stencils.
From Refinery29: “We have trouble with getting our cat eyes even, sure. But is a protractor really necessary?”
88. Get your hair done with this Robocut Bumblebee Tool.
From Refinery29: “Well, at least this product is innovative. But do you really want a haircut from your vacuum?” No, definitely not.
89. Sure holding your hairdryer is a pain. That’s why there’s Blo & Go portable hair dryer holder.
From Refinery29: “A hands-free hair dryer — what could possibly go wrong?” Recommended best of Hindu gods, apparently.
90. Get your hair conditioned with a Hask Henna ‘n’ Placenta Dual-Action Conditioning Hair Treatment.
From Refinery29: “Placenta hair masks definitely fall under the far, far “beyond” of Bed, Bath, & Beyond.” No, just no. Henna’s fine but placenta? No.
91. Get rid of split ends with this Split-Ender Pro kit.
From Refinery29: “You could spend $250 on a device that supposedly re-seals your split ends. Or, you know, just set aside $45 for a trim. Up to you.” I’ll take $45 for a trim, thank you very much.
92. Keep your lashes tidy with this Upper Lower Lash Applicator Guide Eyelash Comb.
Refinery29: “We’re a little wary using this terrifying, Jaws-like contraption near our eyes, TBH.” Yes, it looks quite menacing.
93. Smell sweet with some Jean Patou Joy Baccarat Pure Parfum.
By the way, only 50 bottles of this stuff are made every year. And they cost $1,800 each. Not worth it.
94. Kre-at Beauty 24 Karat Gold Lashes will give your eyes a golden touch.
From Ranker: ” Beauty
What’s that? You’ve got some 24K gold dust in your eye? Well, the price is definitely something to cry about. ” Costs $236. Also, Lenny Kravitz wore gold eyelashes in The Hunger Games.
95. Let people know how you feel with some mood changing lipstick.
Not sure how this works. But it can possibly go with mood rings and other mood shit.
96. Protect your nails with these nail polish clips on your fingers.
Sure it might seem that you have pincers on your fingers. I know it looks pretty ridiculous.
97. Get that orange glow with some Cheetos bronzer.
From PopSugar: “Whether you’re in need of a novelty gift for your favorite cheese-loving friend or want an instant way to make your face great again, this limited-edition Cheetos bronzer is something you may want to start hunting down online.” Still, why anyone would want a complexion of Donald Trump or an Oompah Loompah is beyond me.
98. This Orogold Cosmetics 24K Nano Night Recovery gives you a golden facial mask.
From Ranker: “Yup, that 24K means gold. Real gold, people! For your face!” Though $1,000 is way too much for a facial treatment.
99. Get resplendent locks with Philip B Russian Amber Imperial Shampoo.
From Ranker: “Photo: Amazon
All you need is just one wash! At least that’s what the website says…” Though $140 is a steep price for a shampoo.
100. For serious dirt removal, try on this Blackhead Removal Peel Off Mask.
Though you might find it at any drugstore, it’s probably best you don’t undergo this treatment in front of your black friends. Because a black facial carries a host of deeply racist implications.