In the wake of the Black Friday cavalcade (as well as the fact I have to get up incredibly early to work a 10 hour shift starting at 6 a. m., don’t ask for I’m not looking forward to it), it’s no surprise that every family in the United States is receiving a shit load of Christmas shopping ads in their newspapers. Let’s face it, once Halloween is over, chances are, you’re going to find Christmas advertising everywhere. And even in the stores, you can hear Christmas songs coming from the speakers non-stop as well as on some of the radio stations. Nevertheless, Christmas advertising has always been a holiday tradition in America since, well, longer than we’d like to admit. Still, while we tend to have some nostalgia for the ads we imagine as wholesome and family friendly, there are some ads that haven’t really aged well. And some of them may even contain a few disturbing implications as well as be unintentionally dirty and funny. I could go on and on about the nicer cutesy ads but chances are you’d be more inclined for the demented ones. So without further adieu, here are some of the most messed up vintage ads for your viewing pleasure.
1. “Every B. V. D. garment must satisfy completely” in threesomes.
I know this is an underwear ad but these two guys seem to be oddly happy for some reason. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the packages. Still, since its the 1950s, she’s totally not going to bed with both of them. Yeah right.
2. For the kids, Santa brings their very own toy multi-clip machine gun?
Yeah, I’m sure every young kid wants their very own toy machine gun for Christmas. Did Santa try to make sure that their parents weren’t part of some pacifist religion first? Still, I hope this ad wasn’t out during a time of war.
3. Sad that your sister’s boyfriend doesn’t see her anymore, then Santa thinks she must have bad breath.
Let’s dissect the situation:
1. Dan leaves Big Sis. He won’t say why. He just vanishes, leaving Big Sis a sniveling shell of her former self.
2. Big Sis’ loneliness and inner anguish is so palpable it prompts Little Sis to go to Santa for help.
3. Santa tells the child it’s all about her sister’s nauseating dragon breath. He says to get her to the dentist to quell the disgusting stench.
4. The dentist tells Big Sis that she’s got ass breath, and may actually need to brush her teeth on occasion. She does, and the shallowest boyfriend in history returns.
Talk about Santa and Dan being selfish assholes.
4. Make this Christmas “the best ever” for every boy. Give them a gun.
Seriously, real firearms make terrible Christmas gifts for children. I’m not sure if puppies are any better. Still, better to give your son a Rough Ridge BB Bun than anything that could actually kill people. Worst thing he could do with a BB Gun is shoot his eye out.
5. Good, golly, look what Santa brought for Christmas! Hand shoes!
Either that, or Susie can finally attempt a new trick she learned from gymnastics. Still, the way the girl has those slippers on her hands is kind of disturbing.
6. Bicycles: the best gift for any Christmas.
This girl is probably thinking: “The sooner Dalton starts riding this bicycle, the sooner I get his money. Nah-ha, ha, ha!” Yes, I don’t think this girl is up to any good and almost seems like she wants to strangle the guy in the chair.
7. Buster Brown Shoes: The gift that insures shapely, healthy feet-for life. Can’t say much about the guy’s face.
Seriously, what’s with the guy’s face? Looks like as if he’s been hit by some horse cart a few years back. Of course, it’s a shame his parents can’t afford to get him some plastic restoration surgery.
8. For Christmas-give her leisure-with a vacuum cleaner.
No way in hell would I consider a getting a vacuum leisure on my part. Rather it’s just a mechanism used to clean floors that make a lot of noise you can’t get away from. God, if I got one, the one who gave it to me will be sent to the ER.
9. Santa Claus’s daughter gets the best time of all from her father.
Wait a minute, Santa Claus has a daughter? I thought he and Mrs. Claus never had any kids. Still, how would Santa’s kids ever have a normal life? How would Santa manage to give gifts to all the girls and boys as well as make it to all to those PTA meetings?
10. Give her the gift of stockings and she’ll give you a moment of exhibitionism.
Man, seems like Santa is watching this woman trying on her new stockings. So is the old guy peeking from the door. Basically this ad is saying that all men are perverts. Even Santa Claus.
11. Get Dove Skin Undies so she could pass out Christmas presents in her underwear.
Dove: putting good looking models in their underwear ads before Victoria’s Secret. Still, you have to hand it to Dove that they have the guts to put their models in granny panties. Also, do those ornaments look like grenades?
12. Since Santa got his new Paris belt, he’s been on vacation and screwing blond chicks.
Yeah, I’m sure I’d find an old guy with a long white beard sexy, especially with a the blond chick next to him who certainly isn’t Mrs. Claus. Also, why is Santa smoking a big cigar in the plastic rimmed glasses?
13. Use this Shower Massage by Water Pik or else Santa might kill you.
Hey, I used one of those shower heads for years until perhaps a few years ago. It’s been replaced but I’m sure my parents still have it. Still, is Santa naked in this? Now that’s what I don’t want to see!
14. “Don’t do it Santa, for God’s sake! Don’t blow yourself up with a blunderbuss!”
Seriously, I’m sure reading Christmas letters may cause Santa a lot of stress. But why depict him in an ad for men’s shirt showing him wanting to shoot himself? I’m sure a guy would want a shit for Christmas. Yeah, right.
15. Watch your kids opening their presents, in spandex underwear?
Don’t get me wrong, the guy has a nice body. Still, he seems to have a creepy expression on his face, which suggests ill intent. And I don’t think those undies are helping him. At least the authorities have been notified.
16. Beat the Christmas holiday rush, get a tombstone.
Because if you think this might be your last Christmas, why don’t you just save your family the financial trouble? Still, I know why a tombstone company might want to advertise during Christmas. January is well known as a great month for the funeral business.
17. Celebrate Christmas like our ancestors did, with a flaming wheel.
Now this ad reminds me less of any Christmas carols and more of the Bob Dylan song, “This Wheel’s on Fire,” with:
“This wheel’s on fire
Rolling down the road
Best notify my next of kin
This wheel shall explode!”
18. Don’t look now, but Santa seems hungry for human flesh and is covering the neighborhood with Christmas lights.
Yes, yes, run from Santa. He needs your soft flesh to nourish him. Run away from those giant strings of Christmas lights. It’s a trap. Run, run for your lives.
19. Use 7 Up to pack the punch for your Christmas party.
Now I’m sure the guy is certainly too old for the girl in this. And I’m not sure if she’s a teenager or not. Still, hope that the punch isn’t alcoholic because I don’t have a good feeling about this. I mean I could hear, “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” looking at this ad.
20. May all your Alcoa products not only be useful in your home and hobbies but also double as sex toys.
Don’t look now but I think things are about to get kinky with the iron and the drill. Sure they may have unusual ways of keeping the spark alive but as Pope Francis said, who are we to judge?
21. Give a great gift for this Christmas, a set of silk satin one piece pajamas.
Now while these clothes are promoted as pajamas in this ad, they seem to be outfits you’d see Lady Gaga wear during one of her concerts. This is especially with the one with the puffy sleeves and the butterfly.
22. Give the gift every sportsman wants for Christmas, a gun.
Yeah, I’m sure a gun would make a great Christmas gift. What the fuck am I saying? Of course, it doesn’t! For God’s sake, as Christmas gifts, guns are worse than puppies! Jesus Christ, why?
23. To make it merry, make it Mojud, whatever that is.
Okay, looks like Santa has just picked up some high class hooker in his sleigh as a Christmas present for himself after spending one busy night delivering presents for the good boys and girls. Bad, bad, Santa. Naughty Santa. How dare you cheat on Mrs. Claus!
24. Make Christmas from the Chess King with a Santa dressed girl on his side and his sleigh being pulled by a couple of pegacorns.
Now this resembles nothing more than a cheesy hair band Christmas album cover from the 1980s or some fantasy Christmas Harlequin romance novel cover. Still, couldn’t resist including this one since it’s just so 1980s cheesy.
25. Seems like Santa approves of these women’s pants, so get them.
I don’t know about you, but is Santa checking these women out for some reason? Also, I don’t think he’s looking at their legs. What a perv. And this from Macy’s good God. I work there.
26. Even Mrs. Claus wants a new ironing table, which Santa will get her.
Wait a minute, that’s Mrs. Claus? Isn’t she supposed to be a more chunky old lady like Santa? Then again, this woman may be known as the “second Mrs. Claus” who Santa ditched the first one for. Poor woman. Still, I don’t like the look on his face in this ad. Guess the wife owes him something more of the carnal variety.
27. To merry people everywhere, drink Pepsi because Coke is for losers.
Since Marjorie couldn’t stand the feel of those ugly Christmas sweaters for the ugly holiday sweater party at his folks house, Jerry decided to give her one of the most hideous holiday lady hats he could find. And yes, that Christmas tree hat is dreadful but she loves it.
28. “And please, Santa, give Mommy a Hoover.”
I don’t know about you but I suspect something sketchy about this Santa Claus. I mean he seems more like he’s about to burst into a homicidal rampage than give presents to kids.
29. Buy a scale which is a beautiful way of saying “Merry Christmas.”
Seriously, all that giving your loved one a scale for Christmas is like a covert way of saying, “I think you’re fat so hop to it, chunky lugs.” Let’s just say nobody wants to get a scale for Christmas. Not ever. For Christ’s sake, what the fuck?
30. Get one of those Everready flashlights so Santa can see the kiddies while they’re sleeping.
Now I don’t know about you but this ad tends to make the idea of Santa with a flashlight quite terrifying. This is especially so since he’s holding it near his crotch.
31. Of course, Santa is real and we are all his puppets.
This is an ad for Weatherman’s Fountain Pen. Still, it’s pretty disturbing having all those people connected to Santa through wires on their bodies. So Santa is the ultimate puppetmeister.
32. Instead of leaving milk with those cookies for Santa, why don’t you just give him a bottle of Jack Daniels?
Of course, this ad may explain why some young girls received a jockstrap for Christmas and why some boys got a set of cosmetics by Estee Lauder. Yes, Santa was drunk off his ass on Christmas Eve so he sometimes doesn’t get the list demands straight.
33. Whenever Santa Claus makes his visits, he usually smokes Lucky Strikes.
Sure you may have to be good to get presents from Santa, this doesn’t mean Santa Claus has to be a great role model. Still, Lucky Strikes were known not to contain filters as well as give you lungs full of tar and an early death.
34. Nothing says Christmas like boys playing with trains in their underwear.
I don’t know about you but are there anything skeevy about this. My God, this is sick. Only weird boys played with toy trains in their undies whether they be boxers or tidy whiteys.
35. Santa says that Pall Mall cigarettes guard against throat scratch.
Yes, but side effects include yellow skin, yellow teeth, cancer, emphysema, COPD, cardiovascular disease, and early death. Also, bad, bad, Santa.
36. An Apple computer allows Santa and his elves handle the list much easier.
Now I don’t know about you but Santa kind of terrifies me in this one with his large eyes of death staring at the elves. Also, those elves kind of look like creepy lawn ornaments.
37. Give your loved one a pair of good ol’ reliable Golden Boots.
Is that supposed to be Santa or some kind of mythological fur covered Sasquatch hybrid. Or perhaps he’s some kind of mountain man who’s been up in the woods far too long. Either way, that guy is sure to haunt my dreams.
38. Don’t forget to decorate the outside of your house with Noma Lights.
I don’t know about you but that happy kid in the Santa suit seems like he’s about to use one of those lights to blow up your house. And he doesn’t seem to have any remorse for it. Why do these kids in these ads look so creepy?
39. Spoon tree decorations, now I haven’t seen that before.
If I went to a house where I found a Christmas tree covered with silver spoons, I’d think is this person on drugs? or I wonder what nuthouse these people came from.
40. Fellas, get a Gem Razor and Blades for your face and your girlfriend will let you stare at her large boobs for as long as you like.
Sure she’s looking at his handsome face while he’s staring at her well endowed bosom. Guess this fellow is getting laid tonight.
41. For your kids, get them a set of Christmas Morning Hero Underoos.
I don’t know about you but I don’t think having kids in their underwear pose with Santa is entirely appropriate. Seriously, who the hell thought that this photo op was a good idea?
42. Make Budweiser the beer to drink for this holiday season.
I’m sure this night will soon to degenerate with, “I really can’t stay.”
“But, baby, is cold outside.”
“I got to go home.”
“But, baby, it’s cold outside.” I guess you can figure it out from there.
43. Make this Christmas the happiest for your family with color TV.
Because why have those creepy clowns give you nightmares in black and white while they can scare the bejesus out of you in color? Like in the circus.
44. Hey, look, here’s Santa Claus drinking a bottle of Coca Cola with his sidekick Sprite Boy.
Now Sprite Boy was this terrifying bottle cap wearing goddamn evil albino child who’s clearly asking you, the viewer to be complicit in the murder of Santa Claus by not Swarning him of the demon awaiting in the darkness behind. That demon? Diabetus.
45. So you see, kids, this Zippo lighter always works as well would make a perfect present for your chain smoking dad.
I’m sure demonstrating a cigarette lighter in front of the kids is a perfectly good idea. I’m the children won’t be getting ideas about setting their house on fire. Yeah right.
46. Share your home movies with this Revere movie projector.
“This is the part where I murdered our neighbor Bobby for being an asshole and not returning my tools. Let’s just say, I whacked him on the head with the shovel, dismembered is body, and spread his parts all over the lawn so his dogs might eat it. And my wife, Helen filmed the whole thing. It’s great family fun.”
47. Whenever Santa goes on his sleigh, he always has a sack full of Boswell’s Ale and Porter.
I don’t know about you but it seems that Santa Claus might have some alcohol dependency issues. I mean he has a sack full of booze and I know you can’t give children that.
48. O-o-oh, Santa, I just love that Micosheen shine!
I’ll have Cracked explain this situation, “There are three possible scenarios on display here:
1. Santa is so scandalized that he took his own life rather than endure another moment of gazing at the demon breasts. 2. The woman is extremely turned on by crime scenes and snuck into Santa’s suicide to rub one out. 3. Santa is so sexually jaded that the only way he can get off is to watch a woman satisfy herself with gargantuan, ornate cast-iron dildos while he practices autoerotic asphyxiation.” Still, how could anyone ever explain the situation to the Mrs. Claus? And yes, the ad is pixelated on the company’s website. Guess that woman’s see through nightie has a habit of getting men in red suits too excited for some reason. And this one is from 1956.
49. Wake up your husband Christmas morning with a Klaxon.
I know that whatever’s under the covers is supposed to be feet. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if the Klaxon horn could also be used to stop erections at inappropriate moments.
50. Cigarettes: a great gift for every adult on your Christmas list.
Yes, why keep all the tobacco related health problems to yourself while you can pass it onto all your friends in the car as well as your black driver’s who’s been asking you for a raise for months?
51. An extension phone saves you everyday effort so you can enjoy the holiday fun.
“I don’t think I have the time to hide the body with you today, Dolores. But I’m sure we can dump your brother Phil in the dumpster next Saturday. Tommy wants to take the kids Christmas shopping that day so I’ll have the place to myself.”
52. Isn’t that special? Bing Crosby trims a “Friendship Tree.”
Of course, Bing Crosby is also known to be one of the shittiest parents in Hollywood said to be cold, cruel, remote as well as physically and emotionally abusive to his four sons from his first marriage (this is disputed within his own family though). Also, left them out of getting any money until they reached 65. Also, Christmas cards are quite flammable.
53. Help yourself to good taste with Budweiser.
Hey, I didn’t know that Santa Claus was quite the chef in the North Pole kitchen. Always thought Mrs. Claus did the cooking and she mostly made cookies like you’d expect. Maybe Santa’s healthier than most people expect.
54. Bless your hearth by putting Necco in your kids’ stockings.
Look, I put this candy among the items trick or treaters don’t want to get for Halloween. So if your child doesn’t like to receive Neccos in his Halloween treat bag, then he wouldn’t want one in his Christmas stocking.
55. Get these Atkins saws so you may cut a cow’s head off.
Seriously, what’s the deal with putting cows in an ad for a saw? It makes who ever receives the saw seem psychotic. Still, if any child receives this, then he’s bound to kill animals and you want your brat to have the best, don’t you? I’m sure Pam Voorhes gave a similar gift to her son Jason.
56. These Christmas decorations will give you a barrel of good cheer this holiday season.
All I have to ask is this, what the hell happened to Santa’s clothes? I mean he’s wearing a barrel! Still, I don’t want to see a naked Santa, please.
57. For Christmas, treat yourself to these flaming ice cream snowballs.
I wonder how these ice cream balls manage to retain their shape while the candle is still in them. I mean I’d expect the ice cream to melt near a source of heat, would I? Also, fire is dangerous, especially near children.
58. Now here’s Santa enjoying a Coke near a Christmas train set.
Seems like the local Toyland police have finally caught up with him. I’m sure these pilots’ fates won’t be pretty.
59. Merry Christmas, from the Santa’s bell hop assistant, the Phillip Morris delivery boy.
Now it’s one thing for Santa to be on tobacco ads for the Christmas season. But at least Santa Claus is an adult. Yet, having a kid advertise for tobacco, well, that’s just incredibly disturbing. Also, that boy is rather terrifying as if he wants to kill people with lung cancer.
60. Nice to see couples decorating the tree this Christmas.
After the tree decorating is over, I’m sure things between the two are about to get really, really awkward. Hope they just get a room already. Still, this would be a better ad if it was promoting Cialis.
61. Ladies, what better gift to give your husband than a month’s supply of Lucky Strikes?
“Don’t worry about me, honey, just smoke as much as you want. After all, we have a $100,000 life insurance policy so I’m sure everything’s going to be fine.”
62. “Gee, Dad! A Winchester!”
Yes, I’m sure a Winchester makes a great gift for the adolescent teenage boy who seems to be on the brink of starting a homicidal rampage for his own amusement. Seriously, guns make horrible Christmas gifts.
63. Nothing says Christmas than plastic wrap.
Yeah, I’m sure that plastic ponchos make a great Christmas gift even if they do look ridiculous. Still, I don’t think the housewife seems very happy in this illustration. Yet, I’m sure those materials aren’t very good for the environment.
64. Give your girl the gift of a shaving razor for her legs.
For God’s sake, is that mistletoe on her foot? If not, then what the hell is it and who the hell thought that this image would make a good ad idea? Seriously, this is crazy.
65. For the ladies, I’m sure an H & R rifle would do quite nicely.
This woman seems like there’s something wrong with her. I mean seeing her hold the gun, it makes me think that she can’t contain any excitement to use it, especially toward her mortal enemies.
66. If you don’t know what to give to the man in your life, perhaps this gift set would do just fine.
This ad doesn’t explicitly say what this set pertains to but I’m sure your man will love it. Believe, me I tried to look up the product and I still don’t know if it’s a men’s grooming set, coffee set, or booze set. Seriously, I don’t.
67. Santa comes bearing a gift that keeps on giving: Swiss Army Knives.
And it seems that Santa is so overexcited about giving them away as if he’s saying, “Hey, kiddies, why don’t you take a look at this?”
68. Places Santa Claus doesn’t visit: Homes with bad kids and places with a leaky faucet.
So, kiddos, remember to tell your parents to check the plumbing before Christmas or else, Santa won’t visit you. Yes, the only sound Santa can’t stand is leaky pipes.
69. What could be nice on Christmas than two dogs sharing an alcoholic drink under the mistletoe?
From the look from the Scottie’s face, it seems like things are about to get frisky. Still, remember what Bob Barker always said, “Control the pet population. Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.” Because we all know what would happen if you don’t.
70. Remember, fellas, a girl’s best friend is her refrigerator.
So men, be smart this season. Instead of giving your girl the traditional jewelry piece, I’m sure your money would go to better use for appliances. Even though they may cost more than a diamond ring in the long run. Still, I was only being sarcastic because appliances should really be gifts for the whole family since everyone uses them.