Tag Archives: vintage

A Treasury of Vintage Food Ads in the Days of Yesteryear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Of course, we tend to see food being advertised these days all the time since we can’t really live without it. Nevertheless, you tend to see a lot of food ads during the football season, most of them usually pertain to stuff that’s not very good for you. I mean a lot of the food you see in such ads pertains to snacks, fast food, ready made stuff, candy, and other products guaranteed to give you a heart attack at 55. But unlike many football season beer commercials, a lot of these food ads are terrible and tend to be repeated a lot, especially ads from fast food restaurants. Nevertheless, food advertising made up a significant ad share in previous generations as well.  And in all types of mediums, too, like in magazines, TV, radio, and newspapers. Or in other words, everywhere but the internet. Yet, as of now, you tend to see plenty of food ads containing recipes as well. Now I can talk about the great vintage food ads all I want. But chances are you wouldn’t find it the least entertaining. So instead, I’ll feature food ads which might make you scratch your head. These will feature dishes that appear as if they came a pot fueled chef in Greenwich Village, negative stereotyping, suggestive language, and creepy children. Also, ads featuring condiments, ingredients, toppings, and non-alcoholic drinks count as food, too. Of course, I’d advise all of you to not read this post while you’re eating or drinking. I don’t want any unintentional responsibility of making someone regurgitate their own lunch. So without further adieu, here are some vintage food ads that might make you a little queasy for your reading pleasure. Some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Skinless Frankfurters and Wieners: “Are sure to be tender because they have no skins!”
I know that it's supposed to refer to hotdogs. But it sounds like something you'd hear in Anthony Weiner's Tinder profile. They even have a poem reading

I know that it’s supposed to refer to hotdogs. But it sounds like something you’d hear in Anthony Weiner’s Tinder profile. They even have a poem reading “How the Frankfurter Lost It’s Skin.” Yeah, real nice.

2. Velveeta: “Extra good for young kids and young mothers, too! Is full of health from milk!”

You know, the stuff your dad uses to make a cheesy salsa dip? Yeah, that cheesy stuff. Said to be real cheese, well, sort of. Of course, I'm not sure I'd go that far to call it a health food though.

You know, the stuff your dad uses to make a cheesy salsa dip? Yeah, that cheesy stuff. Said to be real cheese, well, sort of. Of course, I’m not sure I’d go that far to call it a health food though.

3. “When I’m eating Jell-O, I wish I were a zebra …because then I could paint my stripes and remind everyone of those six delicious flavors.”

Uh, I don't think zebras work that way. You see, zebras can't change their own stripes. Besides, I wonder if Jell-O's ad staff at the time was so high on acid to come up with stuff like this.

Uh, I don’t think zebras work that way. You see, zebras can’t change their own stripes. Besides, I wonder if Jell-O’s ad staff at the time was so high on acid to come up with stuff like this.

4. Grace your baked beans with some bangers and balls from the H. J. Heinz Company.

Now these consist of

Now these consist of “Beanz with Balls,” “Red Hot Balls,” and “Big Saucy” Bangers” (which is sausage). No, those aren’t porn titles. Those are exactly what’s said on the tin. Yeah, Heinz really needs consultation on product names. Then again, maybe such suggestive names make good advertising.

5. Try Sun-Kissed Grapefruit, the kind of fruit that really conceals your melons.

I get the impression that she's not wearing anything under her shirt. Let's just say the juice and the fruit are conveniently placed near her naughty bits. Sort of gives the notion of

I get the impression that she’s not wearing anything under her shirt. Let’s just say the juice and the fruit are conveniently placed near her naughty bits. Sort of gives the notion of “food porn” a whole new meaning.

6. Remember that bread is life. Hmm…wonder what can go wrong with that?

And I'm sure a loaf of bread has to rise before it's eaten. But I'm not sure it has to be erect or even long and hard. Still, I wonder if the photographer arranged it as a joke or it was intended as an ad for Playboy. Either would be understandable. Still, it's a wonder that Bice didn't get sued over this because I'm pretty sure it gives the notion of

And I’m sure a loaf of bread has to rise before it’s eaten. But I’m not sure it has to be erect or even long and hard. Still, I wonder if the photographer arranged it as a joke or it was intended as an ad for Playboy. Either would be understandable. Still, it’s a wonder that Bice didn’t get sued over this because I’m pretty sure it gives the notion of “food porn” another whole new meaning.

7. Remember, kids, that a secret to a healthy and successful relationship is lard.

In case you don't know, lard is pig fat that's used for shortening or butter. Has no trans fats but it's pretty disgusting. Also, it's not used a lot now in the US because it's not kosher or halal. But it's becoming popular in Britain.

In case you don’t know, lard is pig fat that’s used for shortening or butter. Has no trans fats but it’s pretty disgusting. Also, it’s not used a lot now in the US because it’s not kosher or halal. But it’s becoming popular in Britain.

8. Rice: The food that will improve your sex life.

Looking at this ad, at first, I'd get the impression this was for cosmetics or soap. Not rice. As to why anyone thought this was a good way to sell rice, I have no idea. I mean if you're going to sell rice, at least show a picture of rice. Not something like this.

Looking at this ad, at first, I’d get the impression this was for cosmetics or soap. Not rice. As to why anyone thought this was a good way to sell rice, I have no idea. I mean if you’re going to sell rice, at least show a picture of rice. Not something like this.

9. Buy Egg-O-See, the food with the flavor!

I don't know what Egg-O-See is. But looking at that terrifying girl, I think it might be some sort of arsenic laced cereal designed to kill me. Seriously, to look at her is to see the face of impending death.

I don’t know what Egg-O-See is. But looking at that terrifying girl, I think it might be some sort of arsenic laced cereal designed to kill me. Seriously, to look at her is to see the face of impending and horrifying death.

10. Trying to lose weight as a busy mom? Then why don’t you try sugar?

Yeah, sugar. The kind of weight loss chemical that will help you lose weight by giving you Type II Diabetes. Of course, it has a strong tendency to make your kids hyper, overweight, and prone to all sorts of health problems. Yeah, I wonder how much this ad is to blame for the obesity crisis.

Yeah, sugar. The kind of weight loss chemical that will help you lose weight by giving you Type II Diabetes. Of course, it has a strong tendency to make your kids hyper, overweight, and prone to all sorts of health problems. Yeah, I wonder how much this ad is to blame for the obesity crisis.

11. 7 UP, the family soft drink you’re never too young to start.

I don't starting kids on 7 UP while they're still in diapers is a good idea. Might give them an early start in developing Type II Diabetes and childhood obesity. Yeah, I'm sure that makes you an exemplar on parenting (sarcasm).

I don’t starting kids on 7 UP while they’re still in diapers is a good idea. Might give them an early start in developing Type II Diabetes and childhood obesity. Yeah, I’m sure that makes you an exemplar on parenting (sarcasm).

12. Even Dennis the Menace loves his Kellogg’s Rice Krispie Treats.

Okay, it seems that Dennis the Menace is actually way creepier in person. Yes, his mouth's open. But I'm not sure if he's hungry for Rice Krispie Treats. We better hope so.

Okay, it seems that Dennis the Menace is actually way creepier in person. Yes, his mouth’s open. But I’m not sure if he’s hungry for Rice Krispie Treats. We better hope so.

13. The perfect woman is the one who will make her man a sandwich with Wonder Bread.

Now despite the sexual connotations, there's really nothing wrong with this ad picture. However, saying that using Wonder Bread will help women get men as well as labeling that woman

Now despite the sexual connotations, there’s really nothing wrong with this ad picture. However, saying that using Wonder Bread will help women get men as well as labeling that woman “date bait” is. Guys should make their own sandwiches, not have women make ones for them. Well, unless they’re either her customers or in grade school.

14. “Open up an Oreo creme sandwich, and take a lick!”

Now I don't know about you. But this girl scares the living hell out of me with her big terrifying blue eyes and her forked tongue sticking out. Let's just say I think she has more than Oreo Cookies on her mind. But I'm not sure if I'd be too freaked out to ask.

Now I don’t know about you. But this girl scares the living hell out of me with her big terrifying blue eyes and her forked tongue sticking out. Let’s just say I think she has more than Oreo Cookies on her mind. But I’m not sure if I’d be too freaked out to ask.

15. Make beautiful pastries with Bakeo.

You know that if you want to sell food, you got to make it look tasty. These treats make me want to lose my appetite. Looks more like a mix between baking ingredients and building material.

You know that if you want to sell food, you got to make it look tasty. These treats make me want to lose my appetite. Looks more like a mix between baking ingredients and building material.

16. Remember that Sugar Frosted Flakes are Grrrrrreat!

Unfortunately, you can't say the same for Tony the Tiger who looks as if he's about to do something bad to that kid. Yeah, the boy better look behind him and run. Still, I'm not a big fan of celebrity makeovers, but I think the people at Post made the right decision to give Tony the Tiger one. Just sayin.'

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same for Tony the Tiger who looks as if he’s about to do something bad to that kid. Yeah, the boy better look behind him and run. Still, I’m not a big fan of celebrity makeovers, but I think the people at Kelloggs made the right decision to give Tony the Tiger one. Just sayin.’

17. Make your own Cheeseburger Loaf with Carnation Evaporated Milk.

Of course, this might be the dish for you if you like cheesburgers and are on the Atkins diet. Still, cheeseburgers are one thing. However, cheeseburger meatloaf like combining two things that should never be together. Yeah, it's pretty disgusting.

Of course, this might be the dish for you if you like cheesburgers and are on the Atkins diet. Still, cheeseburgers are one thing. However, cheeseburger meatloaf like combining two things that should never be together. Yeah, it’s pretty disgusting.

18. Karo syrup is always great for pancakes and sticky buns.

Of course, take note that this terrifying Karo Kid is at the stove cooking as well as planning to murder his parents. Yeah, I wouldn't touch those sticky buns or pancakes if I were you. They might be laced with cyanide or some other poison.

Of course, take note that this terrifying Karo Kid is at the stove cooking as well as planning to murder his parents. Yeah, I wouldn’t touch those sticky buns or pancakes if I were you. They might be laced with cyanide or some other poison.

19. Nothing tastes better than Old Dick candy bar.

Hate to say this, but

Hate to say this, but “Old Dick” is perhaps one of the worst candy bar names ever. Also, when I come across “Tastes like Old Dick,” I really don’t want anything of it. Yeah, this ad is really not appropriate for children and kind of homoerotic but not in a good way.

20. You can cook all kinds of things with Karo and there’s no trick to make them.

I don't know what he has in his hand or what he's going to do with it. But I have a feeling he's not going to use it to cook anything. Chances are, he's going to kill someone with it from the look in his eyes. Boy, this kid is pure evil without a doubt.

I don’t know what he has in his hand or what he’s going to do with it. But I have a feeling he’s not going to use it to cook anything. Chances are, he’s going to kill someone with it from the look in his eyes. Boy, this kid is pure evil without a doubt.

21. Remember, kids, drink a full glass of Florida Orange Juice every day.

From Wait But Why:

From Wait But Why: “This kid looks rowdy as fuck. Good thing he took a break from egging the neighbors’ houses to climax over a glass of orange juice.” Of course, I’m sure he’s going to poison some pigeons, skin a cat, and smash some mailboxes before the day is done. Yeah, a real swell kid.

22. Campbell’s Vegetable Soup: the canned soup for hungry and horny husbands everywhere.

Wonder what she's reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or some intimate moments away from the kids? Either way, eating Campbell's soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell's,

Wonder what she’s reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or a handjob? Either way, eating Campbell’s soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell’s, “Mmmmm….salt.”

23. “Wish I had a million Oreos!”

Now I don't want to endanger children's health and well being by giving them treats. But I'll just make this terrifying tot an exception because I don't want him to lose his appetite for Oreos and develop a taste for human flesh. Still, doesn't stop his face from giving me nightmares.

Now I don’t want to endanger children’s health and well being by giving them treats. But I’ll just make this terrifying tot an exception because I don’t want him to lose his appetite for Oreos and develop a taste for human flesh. Wouldn’t hurt if he got Type II Diabetes in the process. Still, doesn’t stop his face from giving me nightmares.

24. For chocolate milk, drink O’Baby.

More like O'Tar Baby to me with the virulently racist caricature drinking it. If you're American, you should be very aware about why it's not okay to draw black people this way.

More like O’Tar Baby to me with the virulently racist caricature drinking it. If you’re American, you should be very aware about why it’s not okay to draw black people this way.

25. While married men have wives who can cook for them at home, single men can eat at Hardee’s.

Basically, Hardee's is saying to single guys,

Basically, Hardee’s is saying to single guys, “If you ain’t married, then you’re probably not going to eat anything but fast food.” As if they’re saying that single men can’t cook for themselves or have moved out of their parents’ homes already. Let’s just say if you like fast food and blatant sexism against both genders, then Hardee’s is the place for you.

26. “This Chiffon cake only requires 4 eggs!”

Now this is the kind of dessert that will go quite well with a dish of green eggs and ham. Because it looks as if it's been left in somebody's refrigerator for about 3-6 months. Seriously, that must be one of the most disgusting cakes I've ever seen. And the green icing doesn't help at all.

Now this is the kind of dessert that will go quite well with a dish of green eggs and ham. Because it looks as if it’s been left in somebody’s refrigerator for about 3-6 months. Seriously, that must be one of the most disgusting cakes I’ve ever seen. And the green icing doesn’t help at all.

27. Nestle’s Coca: the coca for moms and their mutant alien children.

Let me guess. His father was small, green, and had more than just four appendages. And he doesn't take well to oxygen. Right now, he's probably on some business trip to a planet in some other galaxy. Yeah, it's a pretty crazy arrangement but at least his parents try to make it work.

Let me guess. His father was small, green, and had more than just four appendages. And he doesn’t take well to oxygen. Right now, he’s probably on some business trip to a planet in some other galaxy. Yeah, it’s a pretty crazy arrangement but at least his parents try to make it work.

28. Get the original double decker hamburger Big Boy at Bob’s Big Boy Restaurant.

Seems like the Big Boy might need to stop eating those burgers and start going to the gym or change his diet. Might be at risk of developing Type II Diabetes, heart disease, and other health problems. Yes, obesity is a real bitch.

Seems like the Big Boy might need to stop eating those burgers and start going to the gym or change his diet. Might be at risk of developing Type II Diabetes, heart disease, and other health problems. Yes, obesity is a real bitch.

29. Maxwell House Coffee: The coffee drink for blackface minstrel shows and show boat performers.

Of course, this might be a reason why black people didn't drink Maxwell House coffee during the Civil Rights Movement. To put a short story short, blackface is racist and offensive for obvious reasons, especially in minstrel shows. Seriously, Maxwell, what the fucking hell?

Of course, this might be a reason why black people didn’t drink Maxwell House coffee during the Civil Rights Movement. To put a short story short, blackface is racist and offensive for obvious reasons, especially in minstrel shows. Seriously, Maxwell, what the fucking hell?

30. Red Magic says that Heinz Tomato Ketchup makes everything taste better.

I don't know about you, but what's with this scary monocled tomato head guy with a top hat? Because he is simply creepy and evil looking as hell. I guess the marketing department at Heinz was literally tripping balls when they came up this this guy.

I don’t know about you, but what’s with this scary monocled tomato head guy with a top hat? Because he is simply creepy and evil looking as hell. I guess the marketing department at Heinz was literally tripping balls when they came up this this guy.

31. Remember, kids, back in the day, there was no party like a prune party.

And I'm sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements. Not to mention, they'll probably have another one when they're all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They're for senior citizens for God's sake.

And I’m sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements that they’ll poop their pants before it’s over. Not to mention, they’ll probably have another one when they’re all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They’re for senior citizens for God’s sake.

32. Velveeta cheese really goes on smooth like this woman.

I know that sex sells. But still, why the hell would Kraft use a naked woman to sell Velveeta? Then again, this ad probably came out during football season and catered to men.

I know that sex sells. But still, why the hell would Kraft use a naked woman to sell Velveeta? Then again, this ad probably came out during football season and catered to men reading Playboy.

33. Kellogg’s Soya is crisp, sweet, and a twin treat.

And it seems that these twin boys would be absolutely perfect for those two creepy twin girls from The Shining. However, I'm not sure which set is more terrifying. Then again, after breakfast, these two boys plan to dig up a grave to hide their next door neighbor's body. How sweet.

And it seems that these twin boys would be absolutely perfect for those two creepy twin girls from The Shining. However, I’m not sure which set is more terrifying. Then again, after breakfast, these two boys plan to dig up a grave to hide their next door neighbor’s body. How sweet.

34. Hostess Sno-Balls: America’s No.1 Glamour Gal!

Well, I'm sure any guy would go for a sexy woman with a pastry head. Nevertheless, despite the freakiness here, Sno-Balls aren't even the best known Hostess product out there. I'm sure Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Hostess Cupcakes get way more attention. Sno-Balls barely get any.

Well, I’m sure any guy would go for a sexy woman with a pastry head. Nevertheless, despite the freakiness here, Sno-Balls aren’t even the best known Hostess product out there. I’m sure Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Hostess Cupcakes get way more attention. Sno-Balls barely get any.

35. Smith’s Bacon: Bringing families together for breakfast in the creepiest ways possible.

I really don't like how Grandpa is behaving toward Susie right now. Sure he misses Grandma dearly since she died from cancer last year and Susie kind of looks like her. And we all know he's been battling dementia. But still, his conduct toward Susie is disturbing just the same.

I really don’t like how Grandpa is behaving toward Susie right now. Sure he misses Grandma dearly since she died from cancer last year and Susie kind of looks like her. And we all know he’s been battling dementia. But still, his conduct toward Susie is disturbing just the same.

36. Kitchen Craft Flour always makes everything taste better at home.

For the love of God, get this blueberry pie eating moppet away from me! She's utterly freaky and is probably the lovechild of either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. I'm not sure which for they're hard to tell apart.

For the love of God, get this blueberry pie eating moppet away from me! She’s utterly freaky and is probably the lovechild of either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. I’m not sure which for they’re hard to tell apart.

37. Shredded Wheat: a housewife’s “Declaration of Independence.”

By

By “independence” she means, “breakfast she can make without the servants” as it says on this ad. Of course, she still can’t vote since this ad came out before 1920.

38. Kellogg’s Cornflakes is the sweetheart of the corn.

So I guess that this was how we got Children of the Corn or Concordia College's Kernel Cob. Yeah, I really don't want to see some hot corn on woman action going on here. Yes, she really loves corn but in a very disturbing way. Don't ask.

So I guess that this was how we got Children of the Corn or Concordia College’s Kernel Cob. Yeah, I really don’t want to see some hot corn on woman action going on here. Yes, she really loves corn but in a very disturbing way. Don’t ask.

39. Champions always start young with Wheaties!

And it seems like this little champion might develop some anger issues as well as hit his daddy with a baseball. Man, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be around that kid. Particularly if there's a chance that he'll be on his way to becoming the next Jon McEnroe.

And it seems like this little champion might develop some anger issues as well as hit his daddy with a baseball. Man, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be around that kid. Particularly if there’s a chance that he’ll be on his way to becoming the next Jon McEnroe.

40. You will learn to love Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes even if this woman has make you by beating the living shit out of you.

In case you're wondering, these people are servants at some house. She's a cook and he's a clerk. And she's beating the shit out of him because he brought her the wrong cereal, which she thinks is serious business. Still, why Kellogg's thought why depicting workplace violence in their ad was a good idea is beyond me.

In case you’re wondering, these people are servants at some house. She’s a cook and he’s a clerk. And she’s beating the shit out of him because he brought her the wrong cereal, which she thinks is serious business. Still, why Kellogg’s thought why depicting workplace violence in their ad was a good idea is beyond me.

41. Betty Crocker cake mix helps husbands beat wives.

Oh, my God, Betty Crocker, how could you advocate domestic violence against women? Out of all people, you should be the last person to say such a thing! Then again, Betty Crocker might just be talking about how her cake mixes help give men an edge against their wives in cake bake. But she probably had a very poor choice in words and emphasis.

Oh, my God, Betty Crocker, how could you advocate domestic violence against women? Out of all people, you should be the last person to say such a thing! Then again, Betty Crocker might just be talking about how her cake mixes help give men an edge against their wives in cake bake. But she probably had a very poor choice in words and emphasis.

42. Even freckly blond kids love their Fig Newtons.

Of course, either this kid really loves fig newtons or he's planning to use them for his evil plan. Yes, to him, murder is the sweetest thing in the world. I wouldn't want to touch these things after he's done with them.

Of course, either this kid really loves fig newtons or he’s planning to use them for his evil plan. Yes, to him, murder is the sweetest thing in the world. I wouldn’t want to touch these things after he’s done with them.

43. Campbell’s Tomato Soup makes meat-za pizza as easy as 1-2-3!

Seriously, Campbells? And I thought certain chain restaurants were bad with some of their entrees. I'd call this pizza

Seriously, Campbells? And I thought certain chain restaurants were bad with some of their entrees. I’d call this pizza “The Heart Attack Special.” I mean its crust and pie are made from ground beef with cheese, mushrooms, and Campbell’s tomato soup. And we all know that Campbell’s contains Mmmmmm….salt.

44. Atora Beef Suet makes great steak pudding cups.

From Oddee:

From Oddee: “When we first saw this ad, we read “Atora” as “aorta” and thought these looked like cross sections of an artery. In reality, they are beef suet tarts or beef fat pastries, which sound just as appetizing.” Yeah, couldn’t say it better myself. Wouldn’t want to eat one of these on my plate.

45. Concerned about your family’s health? Give them a V8.

I don't know about you. But looking at this kid's expression, I think I'll take a pass on this one. Seriously, I think this mother is using V8 for something more sinister. For God's sake, look at her face! She looks freaking insane!

I don’t know about you. But looking at this kid’s expression, I think I’ll take a pass on this one. Seriously, I think this mother is using V8 for something more sinister. For God’s sake, look at her face! She looks freaking insane!

46. Baby Ruth: It’s what all the girls in the go for.

Since he started giving out Baby Ruth bars, Bobby always had the girls flock over to him ever since. Now he's become the biggest player on campus. But I really don't want to tell you what the girls give him in return.

Since he started giving out Baby Ruth bars, Bobby always had the girls flock over to him ever since. Now he’s become the biggest player on campus. But I really don’t want to tell you what the girls give him in return.

47. Beech-Nut Peanut Butter always puts flavor first.

Seems like this girl is saying,

Seems like this girl is saying, “Once this peanut butter’s mine, then I’ll control the whole world! At last, vengeance will be mine! Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!”

48. May I present to you a meaty new idea called Ribs in a Can.

Now we know where McDonald's gets the molded meat for the McRib. However, these actually look more like the genuine article than what McDonald's has. Well, whenever they have the McRib.

Now we know where McDonald’s gets the molded meat for the McRib. However, these actually look more like the genuine article than what McDonald’s has. Well, whenever they have the McRib.

49. Dairy Queen presents its new mascot– Mr. Astro Chimp.

Wait a minute, Dairy Queen had a mascot? Of course, I can see why Mr. Astro Chimp didn't last long. Probably got fired for terrifying the kids and adults.

Wait a minute, Dairy Queen had a mascot? Of course, I can see why Mr. Astro Chimp didn’t last long. Probably got fired for terrifying the kids and adults. Yeah, he’s just so damn creepy.

50. Stokley’s Tomato Ketchup brings in the joy of good eating. It’s like eating a real juicy tomato that is.

Of course, to him, eating a tomato is like munching on somebody's internal organs. Yes, squishy and juicy internal organs. Man, this is one creepy kid. Hope he's not planning to eat that tomato with somebody's heart.

Of course, to him, eating a tomato is like munching on somebody’s internal organs. Yes, squishy and juicy internal organs. Man, this is one creepy kid. Hope he’s not planning to eat that tomato with somebody’s heart.

51. “Sssh, remember that Kellogg’s Rice Krispies is so crispy, it crackles in cream.”

Of course, she hopes the cereal crackles enough that she can whack the neighbor with a shovel and hide his body in the bushes. Yes, this seemingly sweet little girl is pure evil.

Of course, she hopes the cereal crackles enough that she can whack the neighbor with a shovel and hide his body in the bushes. Yes, this seemingly sweet little girl is pure evil.

52. With Campbell’s Soup you can make your own soup shakes with milk and cinnamon.

Okay, I don't know about you. But I find the idea of Campbell's Soup shakes completely disgusting. Seriously, who the hell puts a can of Campbell's Soup with milk and cinnamon? That's just so fucked up, man. Seriously, why?

Okay, I don’t know about you. But I find the idea of Campbell’s Soup shakes completely disgusting. Seriously, who the hell puts a can of Campbell’s Soup with milk and cinnamon? That’s just so fucked up, man. Seriously, why?

53. Make some Dude Ranch Beans with Ann Page.

Well, at least it has more pork than what you'd see in pork and beans. Of course, the sausage is on a stick. Still, must have a lot of salt to give some dude at a ranch a heart attack.

Well, at least it has more pork than what you’d see in pork and beans. Of course, the sausage is on a stick. Still, must have a lot of salt to give some dude at a ranch a heart attack.

54. Make Ruby Chicken with Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce.

Okay, now just because chicken and cranberries may be good next each other, doesn't mean they should be mixed together in the stew. Sorry, Ocean Spray, but your Ruby Chicken is disgusting. Also, are those white things ping pong balls?

Okay, now just because chicken and cranberries may be good next each other, doesn’t mean they should be mixed together in the stew. Sorry, Ocean Spray, but your Ruby Chicken is disgusting. Also, are those white things ping pong balls?

55. Bask in the joy of good eating with Stokley’s Tenderoni.

Of course, let's just say it's either this or a stew of somebody's intestines. Seriously, he may look happy but he has absolutely no soul and evil in his heart. And after he's finished, he might have murder on the mind.

Of course, let’s just say it’s either this or a stew of somebody’s intestines. Seriously, he may look happy but he has absolutely no soul and evil in his heart. And after he’s finished, he might have murder on the mind.

56. Bisquick: So simple a husband can do it!

Yeah, a guy needs Bisquick to make his own biscuits. Of course, why these people think men can't cook for themselves, I have no idea. I'm sure some husbands could cook at the time. Not all men have to be helpless in the kitchen.

Yeah, a guy needs Bisquick to make his own biscuits. Of course, why these people think men can’t cook for themselves, I have no idea. I’m sure some husbands could cook at the time. Not all men have to be helpless in the kitchen.

57. Juicy Bite Apples: the ideal fruit for emaciated children.

Yes, that kid really likes his apple since it's probably the first thing he's eaten in a week. Of course, if he's hungry any longer, he could go homicidal and turn to cannibalism.

Yes, that kid really likes his apple since it’s probably the first thing he’s eaten in a week. Of course, if he’s hungry any longer, he could go homicidal and turn to cannibalism.

58. When you’re expecting company, there’s nothing better than Supper Supper Salad Loaf with Hellman’s Mayonaise.

Actually, if I saw this being served at somebody else's place, I'd probably lose my appetite. If not, then possibly barf. Now that's one of the most disgusting loaves I've ever seen.

Actually, if I saw this being served at somebody else’s place, I’d probably lose my appetite. If not, then possibly barf. Now that’s one of the most disgusting loaves I’ve ever seen.

59. Spry Ground Beef is so tasty and tender that you’ll enjoy it as much as steak.

Is it just me, or does this Spry Ground Beef seem a little charred to you? On second thought, I'd rather take the steak. Might be a bit expensive, but at least I won't eat ashes. Well, when it's cooked medium rare, anyway.

Is it just me, or does this Spry Ground Beef seem a little charred to you? On second thought, I’d rather take the steak. Might be a bit expensive, but at least I won’t eat ashes. Well, when it’s cooked medium rare, anyway.

60. Children just simply love Fry’s Pure Concentrated Coca. They just don’t show it.

Actually I think this little girl is planning something. Perhaps she might have murder on the mind like killing her nanny for no good reason. Yes, she's a little psychopath. Just look at her adorable but terrifying soulless eyes.

Actually I think this little girl is planning something. Perhaps she might have murder on the mind like killing her nanny for no good reason. Yes, she’s a little psychopath. Just look at her adorable but terrifying soulless eyes.

61. H.P. Sauce is good with bacon.

Maybe it is. However, H.P. Sauce won't do you any good with bacon if that bacon is chasing you. Yeah, that is one of the scariest and evil pigs I've ever seen in my life.

Maybe it is. However, H.P. Sauce won’t do you any good with bacon if that bacon is chasing you. Yeah, that is one of the scariest and evil pigs I’ve ever seen in my life.

62. Beverly Peanut Butter gives extra health in every bite.

Hate to say this but once this boy is done with his peanut butter sandwich, I'm sure he's going to go forward with his plans on killing the neighbor who stole his bike. Yes, that kid will indeed pay. Let's just say this blond peanut butter sandwich munching child is bound to keep anyone up at night.

Hate to say this but once this boy is done with his peanut butter sandwich, I’m sure he’s going to go forward with his plans on killing the neighbor who stole his bike. Yes, that kid will indeed pay. Let’s just say this blond peanut butter sandwich munching child is bound to keep anyone up at night.

63. Skinless wieners and frankfurters are always straight and separate, never curved or linked.

Of course, this boy's eating two skinless wieners because they have no skins. Meanwhile on the right is a delectable hotdog and bacon dish bound to increase your risk for a coronary.

Of course, this boy’s eating two skinless wieners because they have no skins. Meanwhile on the right is a delectable hotdog and bacon dish bound to increase your risk for a coronary.

64. American kids shouldn’t suffer from lack of butter!

Now I had no idea that they were allowed to show naked kid butts in the 1950s. Of course, that kid has a creepy look on his face for some reason. Perhaps he has murder on the mind.

Now I had no idea that they were allowed to show naked kid butts in the 1950s. Of course, that kid has a creepy look on his face for some reason. Perhaps he has murder on the mind.

65. Remember, that there are 2 delicious ways to keep trim.

Yeah, and they seem to involve processed meats that contain lots of salt. Of course, the only way these ideas will keep you trim is giving you a fatal heart attack at an early age. Seriously, processed meats aren't really good for you.

Yeah, and they seem to involve processed meats that contain lots of salt. Of course, the only way these ideas will keep you trim is giving you a fatal heart attack at an early age. Seriously, processed meats aren’t really good for you.

66. Remember, kids, donuts contain nutritious vitamins.

Of course, if that was true, then we'd be encouraged to eat them more often. However, it's not but people still eat them anyway. Not because they should since they're kind of fattening to say the least. Still, the kids in this ad seem terrifying for some reason.

Of course, if that was true, then we’d be encouraged to eat them more often. However, it’s not but people still eat them anyway. Not because they should since they’re kind of fattening to say the least. Still, the kids in this ad seem terrifying for some reason. Maybe they’d use donuts to fatten up someone for a human sacrifice.

67. Make your own tuna fish from a mold with A1.

Now that is one of the least appetizing seafood dishes I have ever seen in my life. I mean the fish doesn't even look real for God's sake. Besides, isn't A1 supposed to be used as steak sauce? Yeah, this dish is gross.

Now that is one of the least appetizing seafood dishes I have ever seen in my life. I mean the fish doesn’t even look real for God’s sake. Besides, isn’t A1 supposed to be used as steak sauce? Yeah, this dish is gross.

68. Remember, children love Kellogg’s Cornflakes.

And I suspect that this girl is planning to kill her mother for serving bad cereal once she turns her back. Yeah, she may seem sweet and innocent, but her eyes reveal she has a vicious streak about a mile wide.

And I suspect that this girl is planning to kill her mother for serving bad cereal once she turns her back. Yeah, she may seem sweet and innocent, but her eyes reveal she has a vicious streak about a mile wide.

69. Here’s health to Campbell’s Tomato Juice!

But smiles, well, not so much? Well, at least since Prohibition put an end to these women's Margarita parties, no less. Still, I'm sure Campbell's salt content in their products will make up for that. Because Campbell's is Mmmmmm......salt!

But smiles, well, not so much? Well, at least since Prohibition put an end to these women’s Margarita parties, no less. Still, I’m sure Campbell’s salt content in their products will make up for that. Because Campbell’s is Mmmmmm……salt!

70. These girls scream for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes.

Don't be fooled. You might think they're screaming for Kellogg's Toasted Cornflakes. But what they're really screaming for is your immortal soul. Yes, they want your delicious immortal soul. They'll also settle for your body, too.

Don’t be fooled. You might think they’re screaming for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes. But what they’re really screaming for is your immortal soul. Yes, they want your delicious immortal soul. They’ll also settle for your body, too.

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Disclaimer: This post isn’t for viewers under the legal age of 21. Those caught looking at this post under 21 will be subject to prosecution and penalty depending on their state law. For those 21 and over, please drink responsibly.

Of course, I was just kidding when I said that people under 21 aren’t permitted to view them. However, full disclosure, kids, though you may not be of legal drinking age, you won’t be prosecuted by anyone for viewing these ads. You can totally view them without legal consequences whatsoever. Just like you see them when you watch a sports game or late night TV. Hell, they even advertise alcohol on billboards, magazines, movie theaters, the Web and outside buildings. My disclaimer was a joke. In fact, I highly encourage that you view these ads since they really tell a lot about our culture in terms of drinking. You might learn something. Nevertheless, if anyone is advertising alcohol in this post, those under 21 should never click the ad under any circumstances. And I don’t care if the woman in them is hot, the animals are cute, or that everyone seems to have a good time partying. If you’re under 21, don’t click on any sponsored alcohol ads on this post.

Now I don’t usually drink alcohol. But I’m well aware of how it’s been part of the American culture since the beginning. But unlike things like racism, Anti-Catholicism, sexism, xenophobia, tobacco, and reservation culture, we tend to see booze with a more positive reverence. But like guns, capitalism, sports, and protesting, we tend to ignore the negative implications and dangers. Nevertheless, the month of August is known for 2 things in my neck of the woods: back to school and the start of the football season. And besides, I’ve already done back to school ads last year. Anyway, football is huge in the United States like you wouldn’t believe which is why it’s a big time for advertising. Now most of the ads you’d expect in football game usually consist of food, cars, booze, and boner pills. Of course, food is always advertised on TV all the time so I can’t do a post on that. So are cars but I might do one of those another time. As for boner pills, I’m not sure if there were any vintage ads pertaining to them. Though that one for Duraflame in an earlier post certainly sounded like one, but they were advertising for a whole different kind of wood there. So this leaves us booze. Like food, booze advertising is everywhere and that was the same in your parents’ and grandparents’ childhood as well save maybe between 1920-1933 for obvious reasons. And football season is one of the biggest times of the year for alcohol advertising, especially beer. However, I can go on and on about the great alcohol ads of previous generations (like Yuengling’s dogs at the bar ad which my dad has for a T-shirt). But I’m well aware that you’d be bored to tears so I’ll show some of the ones your grandparents may not want to see in their lives again. So for your viewing pleasure, here are an assortment of vintage ads with booze that don’t inspire nostalgia but feelings one might get if they wake up with a hangover wondering what happened the night before. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. But that’s to be expected. Oh, there’s a chance some of these might not be from the United States either.

  1. Two more shots for the cause with Ballantine Scotch.
Sorry, you two, but I'm sure Prohibition's been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don't like the look on that man's face for some reason.

Sorry, you two, but I’m sure Prohibition’s been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don’t like the look on that man’s face for some reason.

2. “Got a thirst for man-size pleasure?” Drink Falstaff.

I don't know about you, but the lines

I don’t know about you, but the lines “Got a thirst for Man-Size Pleasure?” have the potential of taking a whole different meaning on Grindr. And I’m sure it has nothing to do with beer or fishing. But I’m sure there may be Grindr users into that sort of thing.

3. Of course, even bunnies tend to enjoy the occasional cocktail now and then.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I'm not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit's eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he's eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I’m not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit’s eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he’s eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

4. Cool off on your Caribbean vacation with some Rhum Negrita.

Hmm....a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I'm sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I'm sure it doesn't look good with that volcano.

Hmm….a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I’m sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I’m sure it doesn’t look good with that volcano.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you a guide of Montezuma’s tequila recipes.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

6. Carrington’s Canadian Whiskey has uncommonly preferred stocks.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I'm sure there's no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I’m sure there’s no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

7. A new baby in the family is always cause for celebration.

And the only living thing who doesn't have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I'm sure the kiddies aren't even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn't fly in the US today.

And the only living thing who doesn’t have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I’m sure the kiddies aren’t even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn’t fly in the US today.

8. Rheingold: the beer for lady duck hunters.

Let's hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day's hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don't mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I'll take my chances with the bear.

Let’s hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day’s hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don’t mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I’ll take my chances with the bear.

9. Of course, just because they have scotch at the country club, doesn’t mean you should drink it during a badminton tournament.

You know you've had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you're not sure whether a

You know you’ve had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you’re not sure whether a “birdie” is referring to a shuttlecock or an actual bird. And you’re not sure which to hit.

10. Schlitz Beer: the American beer that made Milwaukee famous.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy's beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who's had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy’s beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who’s had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

11. Schlitz: The beer you want for your summer pool party.

And it seems that the beer isn't the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there's a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

And it seems that the beer isn’t the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there’s a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

12. Get that Ten High smile and double your enjoyment.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I've ever seen. And I've seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don't want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don’t want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

13. Beer is always the great tailgating drink when you’re watching the game.

Now I know that's supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I'm well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

Now I know that’s supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I’m well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

14. When it comes to company picnics, you can’t beat Schlitz.

Guess this was a way for a guy's work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

Guess this was a way for a guy’s work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

15. Black & White: Worth hunting for.

Now it's one thing to say

Now it’s one thing to say “hunting” in a figurative sense. However, booze and hunting just don’t mix despite how many people thought for centuries. But at least there’s no gun in this. Only a whip. I dread how the horses will have the deal with during the fox hunt. It’s almost tradition to drink at those events.

16. With Passport Scotch, it’s not where you’ve been, it’s where you’re going.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport's Scotch, the next place you're going is jail.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport’s Scotch, the next place you’re going is jail.

17. Remember wives and kids, when Daddy gets home from work, you better bring him his Budweiser.

If Mommy doesn't bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy's going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he'll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

If Mommy doesn’t bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy’s going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he’ll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

18. For the kids: there’s always Jingle Jokes for Little Folks.

Hmmm....selling alcohol to minors. I'm sure that won't do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

Hmmm….selling alcohol to minors. I’m sure that won’t do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

19. “I spread my wings when I discovered Smirnoff.”

So here's another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she's next to an old timey plane. Now there's nothing wrong with this picture, so long if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot's license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka which might help you spread your wings. But sometimes not in a way you'd want to.

So here’s another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she’s next to an old timey plane. Now there’s nothing wrong with this picture, if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot’s license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka and encourage young women to drink. Now I see nothing wrong with drinking at a party, ladies, but saying that drinking is liberating when it really makes you increasingly vulnerable to being violated and risky behavior. There’s a reason why you see PSAs against drunk driving. And I’ve seen Flight so I know that drinking and flying don’t mix either.

20. “End your Thanksgiving dinner in an old-fashioned blaze of glory!”

Now I know what you're thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he's really smiling because he burned his boss's turkey in revenge for all the years of enduring his abuse. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss's family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he’s really smiling because he burned his boss’s turkey in revenge for all the years of giving him crap on a minimum wage salary. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss’s family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

21. Things always seem to look better with Johnnie Walker Red.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they'll hump anything. The woman isn't as attractive as these guys think.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they’ll hump anything. The woman isn’t as attractive as these guys think.

22. Colt 45 introduces Bottoms Up: the adult game for adults.

Sure it's a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It's not cool. It's not glamorous. It's not sexy. Period.

Sure it’s a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It’s not cool. It’s not glamorous. It’s not sexy. Period.

23. For your Christmas booze, always choose Johnnie Walker.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I'm getting nightmares looking at you already.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I’m getting nightmares looking at you already. Seems more like a home invasion threat to me.

24. “Nothing washes 8 hours of stupid questions out of your mouth like Old Pebkar.”

Yeah, because he's so drunk that he can't even remember them. Also, I'm sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving?

Yeah, because he’s so drunk that he can’t even remember them. Also, I’m sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving? Will I get arrested? Did I kill anybody?

25. “You can take a White Horse anywhere.”

However, remember that they're talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let's just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

However, remember that they’re talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let’s just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

26. “Mummy always chose my clothes until I discovered Smirnoff.”

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I'm sure her karate skills won't be as much use to her as her designated driver.

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I’m sure her karate skills won’t be as much use to her as her designated driver.

27. “Relax, honey, at least I saved the beer.”

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I'm sure his wife ain't happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn't help that they're dry clean only.

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I’m sure his wife ain’t happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn’t help that they’re dry clean only.

28. “Look, honey! No hands!”

I'm sure this guy is like,

I’m sure this guy is like, “Well, that’s my girl!” Yeah, he seems to find the perfect woman who’s pretty and waits on him hand and foot. Not to mention, she also drinks Budweiser.

29. During a bear encounter, nothing helps like Old Smuggler.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn't mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I'd like to see that.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn’t mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I’d like to see that.

30. Have a Smirnoff…..in space.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

31. Cutty Sark: Scotch for the gladiators.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn't go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn’t go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

32. Income taxes due? Have a Worthington!

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

33. Walt Whitman receives a bottle of Old Crow from an admirer.

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read,

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read, “I Sing the Body Eclectic?” Yeah, I know that Maurice Minnifield would feel the same as you.

34. “In the war of oranges, Smirnoff is neutral.”

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must've come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must’ve come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

35. Take a break from chopping the tree with Petri Wine.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he's also a very dumb beaver. I'm sure he's really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he’s also a very dumb beaver. I’m sure he’s really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

36. “Wolfschmidt has the secret of making real vodka.”

Uh, I think tying a dog's mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I'm sure that's way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

Uh, I think tying a dog’s mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I’m sure that’s way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

37. “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll make Thanksgiving dinner while you can enjoy a nice cold beer with your friends.”

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It's not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It’s not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

38. Nothing makes a better kiddie drink than Rainier Beer. Just look at the happy kids frolicking around a giant beer bottle.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let's just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let’s just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

39. “I’m as sure of myself on the court…as I am when choosing scotch.”

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn't have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn't seem that he's ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn’t seem that he’s ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

40. During yellow fever season, nothing is better than Smirnoff.

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea. I mean when I hear of

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea? I mean when I hear of “yellow fever season” I sure as hell don’t imagine a couple lounging around in mosquito infested waters drinking vodka. Instead, I think of a mosquito transmitted disease that caused epidemics in the American South and actually killed people.

41. Schenley Whiskey: The preferred hard liquor for tax accountants.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don't appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don’t appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

42. “Okay, Scruffy, but this is the last one.”

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy's wife is busy gardening.

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy’s wife is busy gardening.

43. Of course, it wasn’t unusual for a man to get a beer while mowing the lawn.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn't warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor's yard.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn’t warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor’s yard.

44. Remember, Fleishmann’s Whiskey is a big buy!

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn't be smiling with glee. Rather I'd be like,

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn’t be smiling with glee. Rather I’d be like, “He needs help. He might have a drinking problem.” Wonder if he should go to AA.

45. Remember, always have a nip before you dip.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I'm sure being wasted won't prevent you from being eaten by sharks. Just saying.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I’m sure being wasted won’t prevent you from being eaten by sharks, especially if you’re drinking rum. Just saying.

46. Remember, real men drink Steel vodka while they’re working.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn't help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn’t help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

47. “Honey, can you take some beer out of the fridge to make room for the groceries?”

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he's planning a party or a tailgate. If he's not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he’s planning a party or a tailgate. If he’s not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

48. Who knew that Four Roses was the preferred drink of Frosty the Snowman?

Seems like Frosty isn't the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he's turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it,

Seems like Frosty isn’t the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he’s turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it, “spring.”

49. Colonial Pelican wants you to try some good old fashioned Mount Vernon Whiskey: The drink for the men in the locker room.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I've actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I'd find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men's locker room really unsettling.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I’ve actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I’d find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men’s locker room really unsettling.

50. Now this is Schenley Whiskey’s portrait of a “two car man.”

Who's on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he's still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don't think he'll ever drive again.

Who’s on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he’s still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don’t think he’ll ever drive again.

51. Smirnoff: The vodka for mental patients.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it's not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it’s not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

52. How to hit on a girl while on Captain Morgan: “Go up to a girl and whisper Yo-ho-ho.”

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad's advice, I swear to God you'd be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad’s advice, I swear to God you’d be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

53. PM Whiskey is known for its clear, clean taste.

Yes, this is an ad that's geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it's being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

Yes, this is an ad that’s geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it’s being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

54.With Kinsey Whiskey, you might discover how the “Rumpus Room” got its name.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist, a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the "rumpus room." Don't see anything gay about that. Wait, I kind of do.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist (who was probably bisexual), a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the “rumpus room.” Probably contains disturbing incidents involving anything long and hard.

55. Cream of Kentucky: The whiskey with the taste deranged old men prefer.

If you can't leave him alone with the kids, don't give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I'd ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

If you can’t leave him alone with the kids, don’t give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I’d ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

56. For dinner, always have Kaiser Stuhl with chicken.

I don't know about you. But while we're supposed to see a couple getting intimate, I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn't seem to be at all comfortable in this situation. Guess she's having a drink to get through it.

We’re supposed to see a couple getting intimate. I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn’t seem to be at all comfortable in this situation that she clearly regrets consenting to. Guess she’s having a drink to get through it all and hope he doesn’t call afterwards.

57. Dry Sack: “The change of pace drink that’s second to none.” It’s said that 9 out of 10 men prefer it.

If you're into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

If you’re into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

58. “Give her a Romantico Black Eye….she’ll love it!”

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn't make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink "Black Eye" and suggest that a woman would love it? There's nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn’t make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink “Black Eye” and suggest that a woman would love it? There’s nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

59. “The first thing I noticed was her big mouth.”

Maybe, but he must've thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn't hold her in a good light.

Maybe, but he must’ve thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn’t hold her in a good light.

60. Get the summer body you want with Schlitz.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would've thought that drinking Schlitz beer would've made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn't known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would’ve thought that drinking Schlitz beer would’ve made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn’t known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

61. Cutty Sark Scotch: “Here’s to the gut feelings and those who still follow them.”

By "gut feelings" do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain't intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN. One of is a dishonor for the American nation in one of the most idiotic ways possible while the other released a series of fitness videos.

By “gut feelings” do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain’t intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN.

62. “Apples for health so….Bulmer’s for me.”

I'm not sure that's what "an apple a day" means. And I'm pretty sure drinking cider won't keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would've partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

I’m not sure that’s what “an apple a day” means. And I’m pretty sure drinking cider won’t keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would’ve partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

63. For the highest on your list, choose wild turkey. After all, turkeys can’t fly without whiskey.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I've seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don't soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don't fly higher than trees and most of them don't live west of the Rockies.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I’ve seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don’t soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don’t fly higher than trees (or a quarter of a mile off the ground) and most of them don’t live west of the Rockies.

64. Merry Christmas from the Scotch turkey.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn't make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would've been more appropriate.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn’t make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would’ve been more appropriate. Also, I don’t think the turkey looks too happy.

65. Myers’ Rum: The drink for people you don’t want to meet in a dark alley.

Now I don't know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he's probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who'd send you to places like ER or ICU. If he's got a woman, then he'd be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I'd stay away from him if I were you.

Now I don’t know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he’s probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who’d send you to places like ER or ICU. If he’s got a woman, then he’d be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

66. Colt 45: The preferred drink for outer space and the future.

Now I'm sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I'm sure that they were Bob Fosse's rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Now I’m sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I’m sure that they were Bob Fosse’s rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey.

67. Pinch Scotch: the signature drink of scary cartoon ladies.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I'll take a pass at whatever she's serving. Also, I don't think she's very happy either.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I’ll take a pass at whatever she’s serving. Also, I don’t think she’s very happy either.

68. Remember, ladies, the girl who brings the booze gets the most dudes.

And she's pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn't run out, she'll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I'm sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who's not attractive.

And she’s pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn’t run out, she’ll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I’m sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who’s not attractive.

69. As Smirnoff says, women should always look their best before going into outer space.

Sorry, but I don't think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you're talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn't fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

Sorry, but I don’t think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you’re talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn’t fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

70. Try something better with J & B Rare Scotch.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks." Then again, they're probably Kristen Stewart's parents and are always like that 24/7.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond’s “Love on the Rocks.” Then again, they’re probably Kristen Stewart’s parents and are always like that 24/7.

The Early Lives of Celebrities in Pictures

Posted by historymaniacmegan on
Me and my sister at some park swing set in 1994. Now I'm not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. But I just thought this photo was appropriate. That's all.

Me with my mom and my sister, Molly at some park swing set in 1994. Now I’m not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. But I just thought this photo was appropriate to open this post. That’s all.

As human beings, while there are hundreds of ways to die, we all pretty much start our lives the same way. Obviously, all of us start our lives as babies and progress through childhood. And let’s just say, celebrities are no different. Yes, they’re famous and live more affluent lives than we do. Yes, they tend to be targets of the paparazzi and tabloids. Yes, they even get stories about them in the newspaper. But like you and me, we tend to forget that the rich and famous did start out as children. Still, when you look at some of their pictures, it’s pretty interesting. This is particularly the case in some of these old baby pictures when you even see boys wearing dresses. Now in this post, I present to you an assortment of photos of well-known celebrities. Some of them you will know while others you may not. Some of them are currently dead while others may be very much alive and might not want me to show them for fear of embarrassment.Now by “celebrity” I tend to include anyone who’s famous, not just people you see in Hollywood or in the entertainment industry. So without further adieu, here are some childhood pictures of celebrities in their early lives.

  1. Cat Stevens
Now Cat Stevens looks quite spiffy as an English schoolboy than the kind of folk rock singer-songwriter he'd become in the 1970s. He'd also be known for converting to Islam later on and changing his name to Yusuf Islam. Then again, he was the son of a Greek Cypriot and a Swede.

Now Cat Stevens looks quite spiffy as an English schoolboy than the kind of folk rock singer-songwriter he’d become in the 1970s. He’d also be known for converting to Islam later on and changing his name to Yusuf Islam. Then again, he was the son of a Greek Cypriot and a Swede.

2. Charles Boyer

Awwww. He's such an adorable little French baby. Of course, it's hard to imagine this little guy growing up to be Ingrid Bergman's psychological abusing husband in Gaslight. He was also an inspiration for Pepe le Pew, by the way.

Awwww. He’s such an adorable little French baby. Of course, it’s hard to imagine this little guy growing up to be Ingrid Bergman’s psychological abusing husband in Gaslight. He was also an inspiration for Pepe le Pew, by the way.

3. Salma Hayek

Of course, even as a baby she knew she was destined to be a star. Also, I love the bow in her hair.

Of course, even as a baby she knew she was beautiful enough for the camera. Also, I love the bow in her hair. So cute.

4. Stephen King

Just a little kid in the park. You know the kind of little boy who'd grow up to have a really demented imagination. Still, even as a little tyke he has that signature smile.

Just a little kid in the park. You know the kind of little boy who’d grow up to have a really demented imagination. Still, even as a little tyke he has that signature smile.

5. Rudyard Kipling

Judging how they dressed boys in those days, I guess he's probably old enough to attend grade school. Yet, he's so distinguished in his little suit. Of course, he'd later wear glasses, grow a mustache, and go bald. Still, he's best known for his literary output on India during the Raj.

Judging how they dressed boys in those days, I guess he’s probably old enough to attend grade school. Yet, he’s so distinguished in his little suit. Of course, he’d later wear glasses, grow a mustache, and go bald. Still, he’s best known for his literary output on India during the Raj.

6. Bob Dylan

This is him while he was 3 years old and known as Robert Zimmerman. However, not sure if his dipes, they need a-changin' or not.

This is the famed singer-songwriter while he was 3 years old and known as Robert Zimmerman from Minnesota. However, not sure if his dipes, they need a-changin’ or not. Also, not sure how he sounded like but let’s just say he’s not praised for his vocals. Besides, I don’t think he wants to go to Maggie’s Farm no more.

7. Henry Ford

Can't believe this little boy in the ruffle and funny hat would grow up to become one of the most influential innovators in history. I mean he came up with the auto assembly line with the Model T and established the Ford Motor Company. Also was a noted anti-Semite though.

Can’t believe this little boy in the ruffle and funny hat would grow up to become one of the most influential innovators in history. I mean he came up with the auto assembly line with the Model T and established the Ford Motor Company. Also was a noted anti-Semite though.

8. Angelina Jolie

Well, she might be blond but she does have the lips. Still, this little girl is bound to grow up to be one of the prettiest stars in Hollywood today. She'd also adopt a bunch of kids and have a few with Brad Pitt.

Well, she might be blond but she does have the lips. Still, this little girl is bound to grow up to be one of the prettiest stars in Hollywood today. She’d also adopt a bunch of kids and have a few with Brad Pitt.

9. Adele

Now this little lady will soon grow up to be a Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter best known for her sultry voice. Would also do the theme song for Skyfall. Still, this photo is suffering from serious red eye here.

Now this little lady will soon grow up to be a Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter best known for her sultry voice. Would also do the theme song for Skyfall. Still, this photo is suffering from serious red eye here.

10. Christopher Walken

Sure he's a kid at this time but he's actually quite cute. However, adult Christopher Walken is better known for his scratchy New York accented voice as well as looking quite haggard and creepy.

Sure he’s a kid at this time but he’s actually quite cute. However, adult Christopher Walken is better known for his scratchy New York accented voice as well as looking quite haggard and creepy.

11. Tina Fey

Well, she has the scar on her face. However, she also may be sporting a mullet from what I can tell from this picture. Of course, it really does look like her.

Well, she has the scar on her face. However, she also may be sporting a mullet from what I can tell from this picture. Of course, it really does look like her.

12. Barbara Stanwyck

Of course, it doesn't quite look like Barbara as we know here. However, she's also known to have a really shitty childhood with her mom being killed by a drunk driver and her dad deserting the family. She was also placed in a series of foster homes as well.

Of course, it doesn’t quite look like Barbara as we know here. However, she’s also known to have a really shitty childhood with her mom being killed by a drunk driver and her dad deserting the family. She was also placed in a series of foster homes as well.

13. Jennifer Lopez

Normally, when I hear about J. Lo, an image of a little girl in a dress and braid loops doesn't really come to mind. I'm not sure why. Still, this is an adorable picture.

Normally, when I hear about J. Lo, an image of a little girl in a dress and braid loops doesn’t really come to mind. I’m not sure why. Still, this is an adorable picture.

14. Harry S. Truman

Yes, this is baby Harry Truman who'd later grow up to become one of the most wise ass presidents of the United States. Of course, at this moment he's basically dropping atomic bombs in his diapers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Yes, this is baby Harry Truman who’d later grow up to become one of the most wise ass presidents of the United States. Of course, at this moment he’s basically dropping atomic bombs in his diapers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

15. Robert Pattinson

For some reason, he kind of reminds me of my cousin. Well, at least the blond hair. Still, he's much cuter than the pale, emotionally abusive, creepy, and one-dimensional vampire he'd become famous for.

For some reason, he kind of reminds me of my cousin. Well, at least the blond hair. Still, he’s much cuter than the pale, emotionally abusive, creepy, and one-dimensional vampire he’d become famous for.

16. Vincent Price

Yes, he was a rich boy as you see in this picture. But he'd soon become one of the most famous horror movie legends of all time with his distinctive, creepy voice. He's also Tim Burton's hero.

Yes, he was a rich boy as you see in this picture. But he’d soon become one of the most famous horror movie legends of all time with his distinctive, creepy voice. He’s also Tim Burton’s hero.

17. Betty White

Even then she had the dimples. Of course, Betty White was also famous for a pioneer in television. But you probably know her as a funny old lady from the Golden Girls.

Even then she had the dimples. Of course, Betty White was also famous for a pioneer in television. But you probably know her as a funny old lady from the Golden Girls.

18. Lenny Kravitz

Seated with his mother so she could make sure that he doesn't split his coveralls while standing up. It's also funny if you consider the fact he wore gold mascara as Jennifer Lawrence's fashion designer on The Hunger Games.

Seated with his mother so she could make sure that he doesn’t split his coveralls while standing up. It’s also funny if you consider the fact he wore gold mascara as Jennifer Lawrence’s fashion designer on The Hunger Games.

19. The Sundance Kid

Pictured with his dad who doesn't seem very affectionate here. Of course, this little tyke from Pennsylvania will go on to have a life of crime out west, die in South America, and be played by Robert Redford. Yes, a true American outlaw legend.

Pictured with his dad who doesn’t seem very affectionate here. Of course, this little tyke from Pennsylvania will go on to have a life of crime out west, die in South America, and be played by Robert Redford. Yes, a true American outlaw legend.

20. Ernest Hemingway

Something tells me that this little boy didn't seem to care too much about wearing frilly dresses. Guess it's because he'd grow up to lead a life doing all kinds of men's stuff like going to war, hunting big game in Africa, watching a bullfight, getting drunk in Paris, screwing a bunch of women, being married 4 times, and committing suicide in Idaho.

Something tells me that this little boy didn’t seem to care too much about wearing frilly dresses. Guess it’s because he’d grow up to lead a life doing all kinds of men’s stuff like going to war, hunting big game in Africa, watching a bullfight, getting drunk in Paris, screwing a bunch of women, being married 4 times, and committing suicide in Idaho. I’d like to page Dr. Freud to determine whether this little guy spent the rest of his life compensating for something.

21. Martha Stewart

When she grows up, she'll become a domestic diva as well as a convicted felon. But right now, isn't she so adorable? Wouldn't you just love to see her in the kitchen or making crafts?

When she grows up, she’ll become a domestic diva as well as a convicted felon. But right now, isn’t she so adorable? Wouldn’t you just love to see her in the kitchen or making crafts? But hold onto your wallet.

22. David Bowie

Who knew that this little diaper filler will go on to become a recording artist known to wear outrageous outfits during the 1970s. Also played the Goblin King in a movie where he wore skin tight leather pants.

Who knew that this little diaper filler will go on to become a recording artist known to wear outrageous outfits during the 1970s, in which he performed as Ziggy Stardust. Also played the Goblin King in a movie where he wore skin tight leather pants.

23. Bruce Willis

Enjoy that blond hair while it lasts little guy. Because like your marriage to Demi Moore, it'll be gone before you know it. Luckily your action movie career shows that you'll embrace the change.

Enjoy that blond hair while it lasts little guy. Because like your marriage to Demi Moore, it’ll be gone before you know it. Luckily your action movie career shows that you’ll embrace the change.

24. Neil Young

Now I hate to say this but he was certainly one ugly kid while growing up. Besides, his teeth are kind of freaky. Still, at least he'll grow up to sometimes join Crosby, Stills, and Nash as well as write a bunch of great songs as a solo artist.

Now I hate to say this but he was certainly one ugly kid while growing up. Besides, his teeth are kind of freaky. Still, at least he’ll grow up to sometimes join Crosby, Stills, and Nash as well as write a bunch of great songs as a solo artist. His voice, however, is something to be desired.

25. Conan O’Brien

For some reason, I'm not surprised that Conan was the red haired kid with freckles while growing up. Still, he needs to watch out for the local big bully, Jay Leno who'd give him the chance of hosting a late night show before taking it away from him. Yes, he got screwed big time.

For some reason, I’m not surprised that Conan was the red haired kid with freckles while growing up. Still, he needs to watch out for the local big bully, Jay Leno who’d give him the chance of hosting a late night show before taking it away from him. Yes, he got screwed big time.

26. Jane Goodall

Now here's the little lady with her toy chimpanzee, which is so adorable. Little did we know that it would amount to a lifetime of studying chimpanzees in the wild in Africa.

Now here’s the little lady with her toy chimpanzee, which is so adorable. Little did we know that it would amount to a lifetime of studying chimpanzees in the wild in Africa.

27. Cary Grant

Who knew that the man we associate with classiness would start out as some poor boy from Bristol? Of course, Grant would also have a pretty rotten childhood in which his dad put his mom in a loony bin so he could shack up with his girlfriend. Yeah, little Archie Leach didn't have an easy life and left home for Vaudeville at 14.

Who knew that the man we associate with classiness would start out as some poor English boy from Bristol? Of course, Grant would also have a pretty rotten childhood in which his dad put his mom in a loony bin so he could shack up with his girlfriend. Yeah, little Archie Leach didn’t have an easy life and left home for Vaudeville at 14. He also had a Cockney accent, by the way.

28. Jimmy Fallon

Now this little boy doesn't seem camera shy in the slightest. Of course, it's funny how my dad thought he wouldn't amount to anything after he left SNL. Boy, he didn't seem to bet on him hosting Late Night or the Tonight Show. Loved how he turned the theme of Reading Rainbow into a stoner anthem.

Now this little boy doesn’t seem camera shy in the slightest. Of course, it’s funny how my dad thought he wouldn’t amount to anything after he left SNL. Boy, he didn’t seem to bet on him hosting Late Night or the Tonight Show. Loved how he turned the theme of Reading Rainbow into a stoner anthem.

29. Justin Bieber

Yes, he's adorable as a teddy bear. But when he grows up, chances are unless you're preteen to teenage girl, you're probably not going to like him. This is especially the case when he does a lot of other obnoxious things.

Yes, he’s adorable as a teddy bear. But when he grows up, chances are unless you’re preteen to teenage girl, you’re probably not going to like him. This is especially the case when he does a lot of other obnoxious things.

30. Gerald Ford

At the time, he was known as Leslie Lynch King Jr. Of course, his parents would split up and his mom married a much better man who adopted him and gave him his name. That man was Gerald Ford. Still, he'd go on to play college football and pardon Richard Nixon. Nevertheless, I think he's adorable in his little dress.

At the time, he was known as Leslie Lynch King Jr. Of course, his parents would split up and his mom married a much better man who adopted him and gave him his name. That man was Gerald Ford. Still, he’d go on to play college football and pardon Richard Nixon. Nevertheless, I think he’s adorable in his little dress and playing his accordion.

31. James Cagney

Can't believe that this little boy in frills and stroller would grow up to play gangsters at Warner Brothers. Then again, he did play George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy. Still, I don't think he looks too happy.

Can’t believe that this little boy in frills and stroller would grow up to play gangsters at Warner Brothers. Then again, he did play George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy. Still, I don’t think he looks too happy.

32. Eric Clapton

When he grows up, he's going to become one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time as well as steal George Harrison's first wife, Patti Boyd. Will also be inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame 3 time as part of the Yard Birds, Cream, and as a solo artist.

When he grows up, he’s going to become one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time as well as steal George Harrison’s first wife, Patti Boyd. Will also be inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame 3 time as part of the Yard Birds, Cream, and as a solo artist.

33. Kanye West

Of course, this little boy will soon become an obnoxious rapper who will interrupt Taylor Swift's awards speech at the VMAs. He'd also marry Kim Kardashian and name his daughter North. But isn't he so adorable in that clown hat?

Of course, this little boy will soon become an obnoxious rapper who will interrupt Taylor Swift’s awards speech at the VMAs. He’d also marry Kim Kardashian and name his daughter North. But isn’t he so adorable in that clown hat?

34. Mohandas K. Gandhi

Yes, this is the future Mahatma as a 4 year old boy in India. I'm sure his idea of passive resistance won't work for him when it comes to afternoon naps. Because India tends to be a rather hot place.

Yes, this is the future Mahatma as a 4 year old boy in India. I’m sure his idea of passive resistance won’t work for him when it comes to afternoon naps. Because India tends to be a rather hot place.

35. Billy Joel

Yes, this is the little Piano Man himself without his two front teeth. Of course, he'll grow up as a well as endure moments when he crashes cars into houses. Will also be married to Christie Brinkley during the 1980s.

Yes, this is the little Piano Man himself without his two front teeth. Of course, he’ll grow up as a well as endure moments when he crashes cars into houses. Will also be married to Christie Brinkley during the 1980s.

36. Leonardo DiCaprio

Yes, that's Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, he was a kid in the 1970s so his parents probably thought that hairstyle was cute. Of course, he'd end up becoming a star after Titanic. But he should've been nominated for Django Unchained.

Yes, that’s Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, he was a kid in the 1970s so his parents probably thought that hairstyle was cute. Of course, he’d end up becoming a star after Titanic. But he should’ve been nominated for Django Unchained.

37. The Dalai Lama

Of course, unlike many of the celebrities on this list, he assumed his position when he was still in diapers. Of course, he wouldn't stay in Tibet for long due to the rise of Chinese who forced him to flee to India.

Of course, unlike many of the celebrities on this list, he assumed his position when he was still in diapers. Of course, he wouldn’t stay in Tibet for long due to the rise of Chinese who forced him to flee to India.

38. Miley Cyrus

Sorry I couldn't find a baby picture of her on a wrecking ball, which would've been so adorable. Still, this is as close as I could get.

Sorry I couldn’t find a baby picture of her on a wrecking ball, which would’ve been so adorable. Still, this is as close as I could get.

39. F. Scott Fitzgerald

Some of you may not know who he is. But this little boy would go on to write The Great Gatsby, a book a lot of teenagers are required to read in high school. He was also a drunk and had a crazy wife.

Some of you may not know who he is. But this little boy would go on to write The Great Gatsby, a book a lot of teenagers are required to read in high school. He was also a drunk and had a crazy wife. Oh, and he’s played by Loki in Midnight in Paris.

40. Stephen Hawking

Yes, this is the world famous physicist Stephen Hawking. Of course, at this point he got to do a lot of things on his own that he wouldn't be able to do later in life like crawling. Still, he's probably not capable of solving complex physics problems, yet.

Yes, this is the world famous physicist Stephen Hawking. Of course, at this point he got to do a lot of things on his own that he wouldn’t be able to do later in life like crawling. Still, he’s probably not capable of solving complex physics problems, yet.

41. Lucille Ball

Of course, you'll remember her for being in a 1950s sitcom as being married to Ricky. But once she kicked Desi Arnaz out for being a creep, she assumed control over their production company which helped put on a lot of classic shows. One of these would be Star Trek.

Of course, you’ll remember her for being in a 1950s sitcom as being married to Ricky. But once she kicked Desi Arnaz out for being a creep, she assumed control over their production company which helped put on a lot of classic shows. One of these would be Star Trek.

42. Jeff Bridges

Yes, the Dude high fives, apparently. Still, this is a picture of him with his dad, Lloyd. Nevertheless, even at the age of 2, he'd make his debut as Jane Greer's baby in The Company She Keeps. Still, he's the best known actor from that family.

Yes, the Dude high fives, apparently. Still, this is a picture of him with his dad, Lloyd. Nevertheless, even at the age of 2, he’d make his debut as Jane Greer’s baby in The Company She Keeps. Still, he’s the best known actor from that family.

43. Steve Martin

Seems like this little boy from Waco will soon be one of the best known celebrities today. Of course, he's said to be a hell of a banjo player and his

Seems like this little boy from Waco will soon be one of the best known celebrities today. Of course, he’s said to be a hell of a banjo player and his “King Tut” song is hilarious.

44. Bette Davis

Now this baby girl will grow up to be one of Hollywood's foremost actresses and have big eyes. Her roles would range from ugly ducklings, spinsters, fallen women, divas, and bitches. Oh, and she'd go on to be president of the Academy of Motion Pictures and win 2 Oscars.

Now this baby girl will grow up to be one of Hollywood’s foremost actresses and have big eyes. Her roles would range from ugly ducklings, spinsters, fallen women, divas, and bitches. Oh, and she’d go on to be president of the Academy of Motion Pictures and win 2 Oscars as well as have a career that spanned nearly 5 decades.

45. Humphrey Bogart

Now his baby picture is just simply adorable. However, the adult Humphrey Bogart isn't remembered for his cuteness. In fact, he's much more appealing for his, uh, personality.

Now his baby picture is just simply adorable. However, the adult Humphrey Bogart isn’t remembered for his cuteness. In fact, he’s much more appealing for his, uh, personality.

46. Meryl Streep

Seemed to be such a smiley baby and loved puppies. Of course, she might've been quite the diva as well. Still, she'll grow up to be one of Hollywood's most illustrious actresses of all time.

Seemed to be such a smiley baby and loved puppies. Of course, she might’ve been quite the diva as well. Still, she’ll grow up to be one of Hollywood’s most illustrious actresses of all time.

47. Shirley MacLaine and Warren Beatty

You may know who Shirley MacLaine is if you've seen Downton Abbey. However, she had a little brother named Warren Beatty who was known to be the hottie of his day. He also directed Reds and is currently married to Annette Bening.

You may know who Shirley MacLaine is if you’ve seen Downton Abbey. However, she had a little brother named Warren Beatty who was known to be the hottie of his day. He also directed Reds and is currently married to Annette Bening.

48. Joan Crawford

To be fair, Joan Crawford had a rough childhood and grew up in a broken home. Of course, she would go on to have to be a big movie star as well as be seen as an abusive mother, thanks to her adoptive daughter's Mommie Dearest.

To be fair, Joan Crawford had a rough childhood and grew up in a broken home. Of course, she would go on to have to be a big movie star as well as be seen as an abusive mother, thanks to her adoptive daughter’s Mommie Dearest.

49. Leonard Nimoy

Contrary to popular belief, Nimoy was actually born to a Jewish family in Boston. Not on Vulcan to a Vulcan dad and human mom. Nevertheless, everyone will know him as Spock.

Contrary to popular belief, Nimoy was actually born to a Jewish family in Boston. Not on Vulcan to a Vulcan dad and human mom. Nevertheless, everyone will know him as Spock.

50. Vivien Leigh

Now this little girl will soon grow up to play Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind. Still, you have to love her little curls in this one. So cute.

Now this little girl will soon grow up to play Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind. Still, you have to love her little curls in this one. So cute.

51. Truman Capote

In the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee describes Dill looking a lot like this (which you wouldn't pick up from the movie). Of course, there's a reason why Truman Capote was the inspiration for Dill since he and Lee would be childhood friends. However, he'd later be known for Breakfast at Tiffany's and In Cold Blood. Not to mention, he was also rather light in the loafers so to speak.

In the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee describes Dill looking a lot like this (which you wouldn’t pick up from the movie). Of course, there’s a reason why Truman Capote was the inspiration for Dill since he and Lee would be childhood friends. However, he’d later be known for Breakfast at Tiffany’s and In Cold Blood. Not to mention, he was also rather light in the loafers so to speak.

52. Adrien Brody

Awwww, little Adrien is so adorable with his little button nose and his somewhat immobilizing winter clothes. Of course, his nose will actually be more aquiline and prominent when he's older. But unlike Bogie and Walken, his cuteness won't really fade. Just change form so to speak. Also, will win an Oscar for Best Actor at 29.

Awwww, little Adrien is so adorable with his little button nose and his somewhat immobilizing winter clothes. Of course, his nose will actually be more aquiline and prominent when he’s older. But unlike Bogie and Walken, his cuteness won’t really fade. Just change form so to speak. Also, will win an Oscar for Best Actor at 29 and a French Cesar before Kristen Stewart.

53. Madonna

Who knew that this little doe eyed girl would become so identified with skimpy outfits in music videos? Of course, we should also remember that Madonna is her given birth name as well.

Who knew that this little doe eyed girl would become so identified with skimpy outfits in music videos? Of course, we should also remember that Madonna is her given birth name as well.

54. Sir Laurence Olivier

Little Larry is so adorable in his sailor outfit in 1915. Of course, he'll be one of the great British legends of stage and screen as well as known for his film performances of Shakespeare.

Little Larry is so adorable in his sailor outfit in 1915. Of course, he’ll be one of the great British legends of stage and screen as well as known for his film performances of Shakespeare.

55. Elizabeth Taylor

Now we all know this little girl will gain fame as one of Hollywood's most beautiful actresses of all time. She'd also become a alcoholic and marry 8 times, including twice to Richard Burton. But she's so adorable standing herself with the boat.

Now we all know this little girl will gain fame as one of Hollywood’s most beautiful actresses of all time. She’d also become a alcoholic and marry 8 times, including twice to Richard Burton. But she’s so adorable standing herself with the boat.

56. Frida Kahlo

Here's the future painter holding a doll with a book in its hand. Of course, because of health problems and an accident in her teenage years, Frida will be unable to have children. So she kept a bunch of monkeys instead. Not to mention, she was married to Diego Rivera.

Here’s the future painter holding a doll with a book in its hand. Of course, because of health problems and an accident in her teenage years, Frida will be unable to have children. So she kept a bunch of monkeys instead. Not to mention, she was married to Diego Rivera.

57. Queen Elizabeth II

Here is the future queen on her grandmother Queen Mary's lap. Of course, she wasn't known to be a warm and fuzzy sort. More like a kleptomaniac and a jewel collector.

Here is the future queen on her grandmother Queen Mary’s lap. Of course, she wasn’t known to be a warm and fuzzy sort. More like a kleptomaniac and a fanatic jewel collector.

58. Neil Armstrong

Seems like this little boy had a lot of great dreams ahead of him. However, I'm sure being the first man on the moon wasn't one of them.

Seems like this little boy had a lot of great dreams ahead of him. However, I’m sure being the first man on the moon wasn’t one of them. It’s possible nobody expected him to achieve that during his childhood.

59. Lyndon Baines Johnson

Yes, he may be a little cowboy in coveralls. But even then he seems to develop his distinctive features. Of course, the future president would also be known to be a colorful figure who conducted meetings in his bathroom, pulled his dick at the White House Press Corps, and holding a dog by the ears.

Yes, he may be a little cowboy in coveralls. But even then he seems to develop his distinctive features. Of course, the future president would also be known to be a colorful figure who conducted meetings in his bathroom, pulled his dick at the White House Press Corps, and holding a dog by the ears. Still, despite the political price he paid in popularity, he’s remembered as a very successful US presidents in history.

60. Pharrell Williams

Now he just looks so adorable and happy in that fro. Of course, he'd soon shave his head and start wearing an ugly looking hat.

Now he just looks so adorable and happy in that fro. Of course, he’d soon shave his head and start wearing an ugly looking hat.

61. Ozzy Osbourne

Somehow I'm not used to seeing him in a sweater, necktie, or with short hair. Of course, his speech was probably much more comprehensible back in the day. Still, doesn't seem likely to hop on the crazy train.

Somehow I’m not used to seeing him in a sweater, necktie, or with short hair. Of course, his speech was probably much more comprehensible back in the day. Still, doesn’t seem likely to hop on the crazy train.

62. Hugh Hefner

Who knew that this little squirt with blocks would soon become founder of Playboy and have a mansion full of gorgeous young women. Of course, he's one of the guys who angers die hard Christians and feminists alike.

Who knew that this little squirt with blocks would soon become founder of Playboy and have a mansion full of gorgeous young women. Of course, he’s one of the guys who angers die hard Christians and feminists alike.

64. Sir Anthony Hopkins

Sure he may have looked like an innocent schoolboy then. But let's just say, he'll be famous for playing one of the most brutal fictional serial killers of all time. You know the criminal psychologist who enjoys fine cannibalistic dining.

Sure he may have looked like an innocent schoolboy then. But let’s just say, he’ll be famous for playing one of the most brutal fictional serial killers of all time. You know the criminal psychologist who prefers to eat human flesh as gourmet meals.

64. Brad Pitt

Such a little guy and he's already sporting one of his iconic hairstyles. Still, he's just so adorable in this picture.

Such a little guy and he’s already sporting one of his iconic hairstyles. Still, he’s just so adorable in this picture.

65. Jacqueline “Jackie” Kennedy Onassis

When this little girl grows up, she's going marry John F. Kennedy and become one of the most iconic First Ladies in history. She'll also marry a Greek shipping tycoon later on as well. But now, she'd rather sit with her cute dog.

When this little girl grows up, she’s going marry John F. Kennedy and become one of the most iconic First Ladies in history. She’ll also marry a Greek shipping tycoon later on as well. But now, she’d rather sit with her cute dog.

66. Hillary Clinton

Sure she's just learned to walk but already little Hillary Rodham is hitting the campaign trail for president of her local playground. While the local toddlers may not like her, they think her opponents are either worse or stand no chance of winning.

Sure she’s just learned to walk but already little Hillary Rodham is hitting the campaign trail for president of her local playground. While the local toddlers may not like her, they think her opponents are either worse or stand no chance of winning.

67. Alice Cooper

Seems more clean cut than I usually see him as an adult. Of course, he's probably looking forward to school being out, at least for the summer.

Seems more clean cut than I usually see him as an adult. Of course, he’s probably looking forward to school being out, at least for the summer.

68. Walt Disney

Yes, that baby in a dress is the guy who will found what's now a multi-billion dollar empire of wholesomeness and whimsy. Of course, he's not much fond of Communism, Jews, or moms.

Yes, that baby in a dress is the guy who will found what’s now a multi-billion dollar empire of wholesomeness and whimsy. Of course, he’s not much fond of Communism, Jews, or moms.

69. Albert Einstein

Of course, like most young boys at the time, the future Nobel Prize winning physicist would be stuck wearing a dress in the first few years of his life. Still, he kind of looks spiffy and doesn't seem to mind.

Of course, like most young boys at the time, the future Nobel Prize winning physicist would be stuck wearing a dress in the first few years of his life. Still, he kind of looks spiffy and doesn’t seem to mind.

70. Gregory Peck

Sure he may be toddling around, but this little boy will soon become one of the hottest men in the Golden Age of Hollywood. He'd also play Atticus Finch, by the way, just so you know.

Sure he may be toddling around, but this little boy will soon become one of the hottest men in the Golden Age of Hollywood. He’d also play Atticus Finch, by the way, just so you know.

71. Gary Cooper

You can guess that this little tyke loved playing cowboys in his early life. Of course, it's prevalent that he also got frequently cast in westerns in his movie career.

You can guess that this little tyke loved playing cowboys in his early life. Of course, it’s prevalent that he also got frequently cast in westerns in his movie career.

72. Bruno Mars

Seems like he looks no different than as an adult. I mean the guy basically has the same hairstyle and everything. Just a little more pint-sized than he was as an adult.

Seems like he looks no different than as an adult. I mean the guy basically has the same hairstyle and everything. Just a little more pint-sized than he was as an adult.

73. Sean Connery

Seems like this sweet boy is destined to become a little heartbreaker as 007. But now he just wants to hug his puppy.

Seems like this sweet boy is destined to become a little heartbreaker as 007. But now he just wants to hug his little puppy.

74. Kevin Spacey

Seems like someone just can't wait to unwrap their Christmas presents. Of course, this cuteness wouldn't last so he can work its magic on House of Cards.

Seems like someone just can’t wait to unwrap their Christmas presents. Of course, this cuteness wouldn’t last so he can work its magic on House of Cards.

75. Orson Welles

Such a cute kid in his little winter outfit. Of course, he won't be so adorable once he gets older and fatter. In fact, he'll get quite grotesque. Still, his movie Citizen Kane will be a masterpiece in cinema.

Such a cute kid in his little winter outfit. Of course, he won’t be so adorable once he gets older and fatter. In fact, he’ll get quite grotesque. Still, his movie Citizen Kane will be a masterpiece in cinema.

76. James Dean

Sure he may be tiny, but this little boy will soon appear in movies like East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, and Giant. After that, he'd die in a car crash at 24.

Sure he may be tiny, but this little boy will soon appear in movies like East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, and Giant. After that, he’d die in a car crash at 24.

77. Martin Luther King Jr.

I'm sure this little boy has a dream, but you won't hear of it until 1963 during the March on Washington. Still, the future civil rights leader is quite adorable in this photo.

I’m sure this little boy has a dream, but you won’t hear of it until 1963 during the March on Washington. Still, the future civil rights leader is quite adorable in this photo.

78. Jimmy Stewart

Now isn't this little guy handsome? Of course, he's adorable in his little outfit. Nevertheless, this boy from Indiana, Pennsylvania will grow up to play George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life as well as obtain the rank of Major General in the Air Force Reserve.

Now isn’t this little guy handsome? Of course, he’s adorable in his little outfit. Nevertheless, this boy from Indiana, Pennsylvania will grow up to play George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life as well as obtain the rank of Major General in the Air Force Reserve.

79. Katharine Hepburn

Now she's just so adorable with her cute haircut and freckles. Of course, she'll go on to win 4 Oscars and have an affair with Spencer Tracy.

Now she’s just so adorable with her cute haircut and freckles. Of course, she’ll go on to win 4 Oscars and have an affair with Spencer Tracy.

80. Bill Clinton

Yes, little Bill looks so handsome in his suit and coat. And I'm sure he loves the ladies and the ladies love him. Of course, that would soon come back to bite him when he's an adult.

Yes, little Bill looks so handsome in his suit and coat. And I’m sure he loves the ladies and the ladies love him. Of course, that would soon come back to bite him when he’s an adult.

81. Antonio Banderas

Now this baby seems so cute in his little cap. Of course, he doesn't seem to be a happy in this photo. Then again, he'll go on to do the voice of Puss in Boots.

Now this baby seems so cute in his little cap. Of course, he doesn’t seem to be a happy in this photo. Then again, he’ll go on to do the voice of Puss in Boots.

82. James Earl Jones

Somehow it's hard to believe that this kid will later become famous for his deep and sonorous voice. For many he'd be best known for voicing Darth Vader and Mufasa.

Somehow it’s hard to believe that this kid will later become famous for his deep and sonorous voice. For many he’d be best known for voicing Darth Vader and Mufasa.

83. Lauren Bacall

Seems like baby Betty Joan Perske just wants to lounge around in her stroller. She also seems so snug and warm in her little woolen cap. Meanwhile her future husband is probably on his stage career at this point, given it was the 1920s.

Seems like baby Betty Joan Perske just wants to lounge around in her stroller. She also seems so snug and warm in her little woolen cap. Meanwhile her future husband is probably on his stage career at this point, given it was the 1920s.

84. Pope Francis

You don't think of your future pontiff from Argentina as a schoolboy don't you? Of course, he also seems to sport elf or goblin ears.

You don’t think of your future pontiff from Argentina as a schoolboy don’t you? Of course, he also seems to sport elf or goblin ears, too.

85. Carl Sagan

Of course, we all know that the stars and the universe are in his future. Well, as far as the PBS documentary Cosmos is concerned for the 1980s. Still, he's pretty adorable so to speak.

Of course, we all know that the stars and the universe are in his future. Well, as far as the PBS documentary Cosmos is concerned for the 1980s. Still, he’s pretty adorable so to speak.

86. Peter Cushing

Hard to believe that this curly haired toddler would grow up to play Van Helsing, Dr. Whoi as well as bitch slap Darth Vader. Of course, you have to wonder whether his mother wanted him to be a girl in that get up.

Hard to believe that this curly haired toddler in a dress would grow up to play Van Helsing, Dr. Who as well as bitch slap Darth Vader and blow up Alderaan. Of course, you have to wonder whether his mother wanted him to be a girl in that get up.

87. Theodore Roosevelt

Yes, this is Teddy Roosevelt. I'm sure he's toilet trained by this point since he's wearing pants. But as soon as he overcame childhood health problems, he'd soon be open to writing books, going on adventures, and running for office.

Yes, this is Teddy Roosevelt. I’m sure he’s toilet trained by this point since he’s wearing pants. But as soon as he overcame childhood health problems, he’d soon be open to writing books, going on adventures, and running for office. Not to mention, being a badass president and having a badass family.

88. Beatrix Potter

Best known for writing The Tale of Peter Rabbit and other stories you've probably heard during your childhood. Still, I'm sure she's not a wizard or related to Harry Potter for that matter.

Best known for writing The Tale of Peter Rabbit and other stories you’ve probably heard during your childhood. Still, I’m sure she’s not a wizard or related to Harry Potter for that matter.

89. Michael Douglas

Seems like someone wants to shave like his daddy, Kirk Douglas (who'd later play Spartacus). Still, I'm sure little Michael is bound up to grow up looking just like him (sans the distinctive voice and dimple chin).

Seems like someone wants to shave like his daddy, Kirk Douglas (who’d later play Spartacus). Still, I’m sure little Michael is bound up to grow up looking just like him (sans the distinctive voice and dimple chin).

90. Katie Perry

Yes, she's simply adorable in her little sailor dress and cute haircut. However, you wouldn't say the same if she was wearing a similar outfit when she got older. You know how the press talks about the way she dresses in her music videos.

Yes, she’s simply adorable in her little sailor dress and cute haircut. However, you wouldn’t say the same if she was wearing a similar outfit when she got older. You know how the press talks about the way she dresses in her music videos.

91. Eminem

Never expected Eminem to be a ginger. Of course, I never thought I'd see a picture of him wearing plaid either. Still, he had a pretty crappy childhood though.

Never expected Eminem to be a ginger. Of course, I never thought I’d see a picture of him wearing plaid either. Still, he had a pretty crappy childhood though.

92. Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

Here we see the future princess climbing a rock in her pigtails. Of course, when her prince comes, little would she know that he'd be an actual prince. Prince William, anyway.

Here we see the future princess Kate Middleton climbing a rock in her pigtails. Of course, when her prince comes, little would she know that he’d be an actual prince. Prince William, anyway.

93. Robert Downey Jr.

At this point, he's at the age when he's probably learning how to read from Iron Man. However, after cleaning up his drug habit which almost wrecked his career, he would soon play him.

At this point, he’s at the age when he’s probably learning how to read from Iron Man. However, after cleaning up his drug habit which almost wrecked his career, he would soon play him.

94. Beyonce Knowles

For some reason, she reminds me of a little Cabbage Patch kid in this picture. Must be the hair. Then again, she's much cuter than a Cabbage Patch kid anyway.

For some reason, she reminds me of a little Cabbage Patch kid in this picture. Must be the hair. Then again, she’s much cuter than a Cabbage Patch kid anyway.

95. Buster Keaton

Before his movie career, little Buster would begin his time in show business with his vaudevillian parents which usually consisted of comedy sketches. He'd often wear a deadpan expression on his face during the acts. As a young man, he'd achieve fame as one of the great comedians of the silent era.

Before his movie career, little Buster would begin his time in show business with his vaudevillian parents which usually consisted of comedy sketches. He’d often wear a deadpan expression on his face during the acts. As a young man, he’d achieve fame as one of the great comedians of the silent era.

96. Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Of course, seeing the kid in dress and long hair, some of you might think this would be Eleanor. But you'd be wrong. This is FDR as a baby with his father James. Besides, Eleanor's dad Elliot was a much younger man as well as a womanizing drunk.

Of course, seeing the kid in dress and long hair, some of you might think this would be Eleanor. But you’d be wrong. This is FDR as a baby with his father James. He was doted and loved on by both his parents, but especially his mom (to Eleanor’s distress, no doubt). And yes, babies were dressed like that back then. Besides, Eleanor’s dad Elliot was a much younger man as well as a womanizing drunk.

97. Henri Toulouse-Lautrec

Of course, since his aristocratic parents were first cousins with a family history of inbreeding, he would be suspect with cogenital health problems throughout his life. Of course, these stunted his growth as well during adolescence and he'd also be known for his short stature. But at least he liked to draw and became a painter, anyway.

Of course, since his aristocratic parents were first cousins with a family history of inbreeding, he would be suspect with cogenital health problems throughout his life. Of course, these stunted his growth as well during adolescence and he’d also be known for his short stature. But at least he liked to draw and became a painter, anyway.

98. Eleanor Roosevelt

Now this is Eleanor Roosevelt. Of course, unlike her husband, she had a wretched childhood with losing her parents at a young age and living in her grandma's house starved for affection. Still, at least she was able to assert her self-confidence during finishing school (or high school).

Now this is Eleanor Roosevelt. Of course, unlike her husband, she had a wretched childhood with losing her parents at a young age and living in her grandma’s house starved for affection. Still, at least she was able to assert her self-confidence during finishing school (or high school).

99. Alfred Hitchcock

“Good evening. I’m afraid I have some terrible news tonight because I just soiled my pants. Now I have to cry it all out before my mother could secure me a new diaper.” Still, even as a baby, you can still tell that it’s the master of suspense.

100. Winston Churchill

This is the future British prime minister when he was about 6 or 7 years old. But even then he seems to strike the pose of a British gentlemen. But since his dad wasn't the oldest son in a noble family, he had to strike it on his own. His parents were also kind of neglectful with his American mother being quite a slut.

This is the future British prime minister when he was about 6 or 7 years old. But even then he seems to strike the pose of a British gentlemen. But since his dad wasn’t the oldest son in a noble family, he had to strike it on his own. His parents were also kind of neglectful with his American mother being quite a slut.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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I know I’ve posted a few of these postcard posts since last summer. But since summer is the time for vacation and I’m going to Richmond in August to see my sister, I thought such an occasion would be rather appropriate. Nevertheless, you can tell a lot about an area by the kind of postcards they sell as well as what they value. And in some ways, there are some vintage postcards that might not hold up as well as thy might’ve during the 1950s. This is especially true when it comes to any postcard showing the Confederate flag or tobacco from the American South. Not to mention, there are plenty of postcards that can be just outright weird as you might see in Florida. Of course, there’s a reason why many of these postcards tend to be unintentionally funny as well as tacky.  So if you can’t go on vacation this summer, then enjoy yourself to some of these wonderfully tacky postcards from a more simpler time (well, not really).

1. Here in Kentucky is a portrait of an angel anointing the musical songwriter Stephen Foster.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote "My Old Kentucky Home," he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn't he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote “My Old Kentucky Home,” he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn’t he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

2. Get yourself set for a photo op at the Confederate Anchor and Chain in Columbus, Kentucky.

Hmm...seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it's depicted. Also, I'm sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who's all too happy to imagine what it'd be like to bang all three of them.

Hmm…seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it’s depicted. Also, I’m sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who’s all too happy to imagine what it’d be like to bang all three of them.

3. Greetings from Kansas, where they have big boulders.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I'm sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I’m sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

4. Welcome to the Red Slipper, from your scantily clad Wild West whore.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn't a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she's either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn’t a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she’s either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

5. For this chef, nothing makes a great meal than a large hunk of steak.

From the card: "A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95." Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain't bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

From the card: “A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95.” Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain’t bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

6. This chimp is currently chilling in his easy chair.

Yes, he's taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

Yes, he’s taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

7. While some dolls were made to look cute, some can really terrify the hell out of you.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I'm sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I’m sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

8. Hmmm….Frankenstein’s monster doesn’t look too happy in this take.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein's monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who's spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein’s monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who’s spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

9. “Try catching a fish at this high, Flipper.”

I don't know but I'm not so worried about the dolphin as I'm scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can't be safe.

I don’t know but I’m not so worried about the dolphin as I’m scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can’t be safe.

10. When it comes to sharing whiskey in your pajamas, sometimes you need to demonstrate your ability with a rod and the reel.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other's company, gazing in each other's eyes... Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, gazing in each other’s eyes… Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

11. “Aaaah, there’s an Indian in my house scalping my husband!”

I know I'm supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can't take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

I know I’m supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can’t take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

12. At Marineland of the Pacific, you can see dolphins catching fish from sailors’ mouths.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I'm no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I’m no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

13. For every woman in Maine, a lobster is a girl’s best friend.

"Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can't bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don't leave me!"

“Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can’t bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don’t leave me!”

14. Vote Barfield and Shepheard for City Council, which they’ll make everybody’s business.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors' Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don't want to be seen hungover.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors’ Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don’t want to be seen hungover.

15. Back in the day, small appliances were so rugged and macho such as the Powerflow Hairdryer.

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it's not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don't think it has a laser. So why are any of you asking these questions?

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it’s not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don’t think it has a laser. This isn’t a piece of Star Trek technology here. So why are any of you asking these questions?

16. “Look, Mommy, that’s a Silversword plant, only known to Hawaii.”

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is "Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah, it's a real plant, but I'm sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I've ever seen.

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is “Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah, it’s a real plant, but I’m sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I’ve ever seen.

17. “Travel is so broadening.”

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it's supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I'm not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I’m not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

18. “Ah! Sweet misery of love.”

I don't know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don't seem like they're madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

I don’t know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don’t seem like they’re madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

19. Hangover this morning? Drink Kona Coffee Grog.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don't want to know.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant and bar. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don’t want to know.

20. “We miss you from Anna Maria, Florida.”

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she's dinner anyway.

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she’s dinner anyway.

21. Come to the National Civil War Museum in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where you can see a display of John Brown’s execution for his raid on Harper’s Ferry in present day West Virginia.

Man, John Brown doesn't seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man's execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can't take this somber display seriously for some reason.

Man, John Brown doesn’t seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man’s execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can’t take this somber display seriously for some reason.

22. Welcome to Kalkaska, Michigan, home of the National Trout Festival.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it's some kind of water monster.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it’s some kind of water monster.

23. Seems like there’s a dolphin rapture or they’re working for some evil old guy.

"Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!" Well, at least they're not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

“Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!” Well, at least they’re not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

24. Let’s just say, I don’t think wax museums should cover certain events pertaining to solemn events like the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Custer's eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it's hilarious.

Custer’s eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it’s hilarious.

25. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson receive guidance from George Washington.

Man, I can't help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don't seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn't been having a good day at all.

Man, I can’t help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don’t seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn’t been having a good day at all.

26. May I present to you Bubbles the Seahorse.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she's enjoying it! Seriously, let's hope it's just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she’s enjoying it! Seriously, let’s hope it’s just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

27. Welcome to Homosassa Springs.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott's agenda is to change the place's name to Heterasassa Springs. Still doesn't incite the same kind of giggles. Even funny how it shows a woman with orchids. As if there's nothing gay going on there, really.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott’s agenda is to change the place’s name to Heterasassa Springs. Still when I hear of Homosassa Springs, I don’t imagine a pretty girl holding orchids. Well, unless she’s buying them for her girlfriend at the Bull Dyke Bar and Grille.

28. “Brad, it’s our anniversary, I don’t want to wear the wig tonight, okay?”

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I'm not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I’m not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

29. “This next song I’m going to play is called ‘Monkey Business’ from the album Bananas.”

However, I'm sure such a postcard wouldn't go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

However, I’m sure such a postcard wouldn’t go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

30. The First Baptist Church of Van Nuys presents the Living Christmas Tree.

Well, I'm sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it's pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

Well, I’m sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it’s pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

31. Come to Florida for the sun, fun, and beauty.

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I'm not sure she's a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I’m not sure she’s a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

32. While dolphins are seen as lovable creatures in Florida, I’m not so sure if you’d say the same at Niagara Falls.

Yes, Bucky wasn't the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn't care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I've ever seen.

Yes, Bucky wasn’t the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn’t care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I’ve ever seen.

33. Come to Josephine Tussaud’s London Wax Museum in St. Petersburg, Florida and relive the time when Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald in front of the cameras.

Now I'm not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he's about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson's Thriller album.

Now I’m not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he’s about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson’s Thriller album.

34. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don't help either.

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don’t help either.

35. Seems like Jesus likes to spend time chilling with this brethren.

I don't know about you but this Jesus seems like he's been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, "Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don't Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot." Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

I don’t know about you but this Jesus seems like he’s been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, “Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don’t Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot.” Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

36. An average catch in this lake is bound to devour a man.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that's quite desperate for some tourism.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that’s quite desperate for some tourism. I’m sure the fish there aren’t that big.

37. Seems like this Totem Pole has an eye out for women to smooch.

"Honey, drop the camera and run! It's going to suck all your blood!" After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside.

“Honey, drop the camera and run! It’s going to suck all your blood!” After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside. Yes, that totem was cursed.

38. Come to Death Valley and see the Ghost Riders in the Sky.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don't seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don’t seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

39. “Welcome to our hair salon. Our stylists are among the best of the biz.”

Yes, it's a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I'd rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

Yes, it’s a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I’d rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

40. “After all these years, I’m still not sure how I ended up a snake dentist.”

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I'm sure it wouldn't go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I’m sure it wouldn’t go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

41. At the Madonna Inn, we’re sure this poppy room is guaranteed to put you to sleep.

This is called, "The California Poppy Room." From the card: "The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!" Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It's not something that has a good reputation.

This is called, “The California Poppy Room.” From the card: “The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!” Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It’s not something that has a good reputation.

42. Seems like royal coronation ceremonies have become quite a bit informal these days.

I'm sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

I’m sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

43. The Weeki Wachee Mermaids present Alice in Waterland.

Now by looking at these ladies, I'm sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I'd hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

Now by looking at these ladies, I’m sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I’d hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

44. LBJ says: “Let us reason together.”

Which means he'll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

Which means he’ll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

45. “Howdy and come on down to the grand ol’ rattlesnake rodeo. Yeeehaw!”

Man, I know it's photoshopped but I'd sure want to see this. Also, let's hope that the ol' rattler don't take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers.

Man, I know it’s photoshopped but I’d sure want to see this. A rodeo with cowboys riding rattlesnakes would be awesome! Also, let’s hope that the ol’ rattler don’t take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers. Because that could be a problem.

46. “Waiting for you in Florida.”

Let's just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

Let’s just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

47. “Hello, kids, and welcome to Crazy Joe Killemall’s NRA gun camp for boys.”

"Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first." Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn't the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though.

“Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first.” Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn’t the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though. Yeah, probably shouldn’t dwell on these thoughts.

48, Have a snapping good time in Florida.

Yeah, I'm sure that the gator doesn't just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

Yeah, I’m sure that the gator doesn’t just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

49. While beer drinking is common in Germany, it’s said that a real man can down 15 six-packs.

Okay, maybe it doesn't hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

Okay, maybe it doesn’t hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

50. Come to Florida and see Miami’s ultra-modern architecture.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it's fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it’s fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

51. Preachers, baptize your parishioners in style with this deluxe portable baptistery.

Of course, I can't really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I've been to pertained to babies. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it's a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor's luxurious bathtub. Why can't the minister baptize people in the river? It's cheaper.

Of course, I can’t really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I’ve been to pertained to babies, including my own. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it’s a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor’s luxurious bathtub. Why can’t the minister baptize people in the river? It’s cheaper.

52. Do you ever get the feeling that the drapes are watching you?

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

53. Seems like Herman the Hippo loves seeing Bridget spray the hose at him.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn't mean they're nice and won't kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she'll be in very big trouble.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn’t mean they’re nice and won’t kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she’ll be in very big trouble.

54. Ross Allen’s Reptile Institute presents Beauty and the Boa.

Let's hope that the snake isn't poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

Let’s hope that the snake isn’t poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

55. “Behold, He is risen!”

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus's armpit. Angel's like, "Dude, can I borrow five bucks?"

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus’s armpit. Angel’s like, “Dude, can I borrow five bucks?”

56. “Wish you were here!” from Alcatraz.

Let's just say I'm not sure if I'd want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it's now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it's a famous federal prison.

Let’s just say I’m not sure if I’d want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it’s now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it’s a famous federal prison.

57. Greetings from the Farmer’s Market of Los Angeles, California.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer's market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer's market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer’s market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer’s market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

58. Every Friday evening at the Azure Tides Hotel Court in Sarasota, Florida, they hold King Neptune’s Table Buffet.

I can see it now, "Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs....No Deaths Reported." Still, that's a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

I can see it now, “Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs….No Deaths Reported.” Still, that’s a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

59. Greetings from Clear Lake, Iowa?

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don't come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn't remind me of Iowa at all.

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don’t come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn’t remind me of Iowa at all.

60. Welcome to the Moon Gate Motel. Enjoy your stay.

Now I have to admit, this motel's architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge at Happy Hour.

Now I have to admit, this motel’s architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge for Happy Hour.

61. Greetings from Shamrock, Texas, home of the world’s youngest hitchhikers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn't the safest way of transportation. In fact, it's anything but, especially for toddlers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn’t the safest way of transportation. In fact, it’s anything but, especially for toddlers.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you Space Chimp.

Of course, I'm not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

Of course, I’m not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

63. “What’s the matter? Haven’t you’ve seen a woman riding a seahorse underwater before?”

Well, at least "Bubbles" the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny.

Well, at least “Bubbles” the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny. Especially if she almost seems like she’s posing as a model for Sports Illustrated.

64. Bringing you the latest in underwater entertainment.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it's kind of over the top. But hey, they're from Florida.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it’s kind of over the top. But hey, they’re from Florida.

65. “Good morning, honey, coffee’s ready.”

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don't know why. Must be the woman's soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don’t know why. Must be the woman’s soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

66. When it comes to a dog and a child, there is always mutual affection.

However, while it's supposed to show "mutual affection," the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn't show its feelings or just doesn't care.

However, while it’s supposed to show “mutual affection,” the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn’t show its feelings or just doesn’t care.

67. Of course, photos of children and puppies are always adorable.

Of course, this girl is like "I'll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever." Meanwhile the dog is like, "Help me."

Of course, this girl is like “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Meanwhile the dog is like, “Help me.” Still, the puppy just can’t find no escape from the girl with the evil grin and soulless eyes.

68. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Chattanooga’s Confederama.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I'm sure it's highly offensive.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I’m sure it’s highly offensive.

69. Here’s a scene of Abraham Lincoln passing Lancaster, Pennsylvania on his way to inauguration in Washington D.C. in 1861.

I don't know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn't seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn't seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

I don’t know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn’t seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn’t seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

70. “Finally, found a place we could afford.”

Well, it doesn't look like much. But I'm sure with some improvements and repairs, it'll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Well, it doesn’t look like much. But I’m sure with some improvements and repairs, it’ll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole disaster area and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Vintage Underwear Advertising Through the Ages

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now underwear is a complex product in the advertising world. Sure most of us wear it and can’t live without it. Some wear it for comfort. Others for support or figure control. And some athletes wear it for protection. Actually we all wear it for protection as well as for comfort. Still, for a long time in history, there have been people who went without it because it simply wasn’t available or at least as we know it. But that doesn’t mean getting people to buy it is any less awkward. For instance, men might have a good time flipping through a Victoria’s Secret catalog but this doesn’t mean they’re willing to step inside an actual store, even if it’s to buy something for their girlfriend or wife. Still, when it comes to getting underwear for men, it’s usually safe to go with the tidy whitey option than go with anything too fancy. Just ask my father. Also, it’s preferable to shop for underwear for yourself or the kids if you have any. Nevertheless, while your conventional underwear ad usually had a model in the company’s undergarments, this wasn’t always the case. Now I can go on and on with all the great vintage underwear ads out there, but this would be a very boring post and I will never hear the end of it. So instead, I’ll show you some vintage underwear ads that seem a little more creative than they should be. Then again, some of them might’ve been designed by a guy who was deep in a Madison Avenue closet. So for your reading pleasure, here are some old timey underwear ads that might make you scratch your head or perhaps give you nightmares.

1. Moms, keep your child healthy and beautiful by buying them their very own corset.

Yeah, because internal organ damage as well as digestion and respiratory difficulties shouldn't just be reserved for adult women. Also, men wore them, too by the way. Seriously, while the ideal waist was 18 inches, these constricting garments left precious little room for such necessities as internal organs. And that's in adults. So perhaps corsets aren't good for kids.

Yeah, because internal organ damage as well as digestion and respiratory difficulties shouldn’t just be reserved for adult women. Also, men wore them, too by the way. Seriously, while the ideal waist was 18 inches, these constricting garments left precious little room for such necessities as internal organs. And that’s in adults. So perhaps corsets aren’t good for kids.

2. Jockey Junior Briefs have a nice comfy waistline that your kid and hold a gun in them.

Okay, say what you want about Plaxico Burress but at least he taught us that holding a firearm under an elastic waistband is a very bad idea. Of course, Plaxico Burress learned the hard way. Still, that boy has a very good chance of accidentally shooting himself in the thigh.

Okay, say what you want about Plaxico Burress but at least he taught us that holding a firearm under an elastic waistband is a very bad idea. Of course, Plaxico Burress learned the hard way. Still, that boy has a very good chance of accidentally shooting himself in the thigh.

3. Hmmm….I wonder what Fred and Pete could be arguing about in the men’s locker room in their underwear.

Oh, they're arguing about underwear. Still, for the many awkward situations in the men's locker room, I'm not sure if this is quite realistic. Seriously, most guys would either be stripping down for showers or getting dressed. Not sure about the socializing in their briefs or tidy whiteys.

Oh, they’re arguing about underwear. Still, for the many awkward situations in the men’s locker room, I’m not sure if this is quite realistic. Seriously, most guys would either be stripping down for showers or getting dressed. Not sure about the socializing in their briefs or tidy whiteys. If so, they wouldn’t be talking about underwear.

4. Back in the 1990s, Mark Wahlberg used to model for Calvin Klein. Here’s one of his underwear ads.

And it seems that Mark Wahlberg is just standing their clutching his junk. I'm sure he doesn't want his kids to see this on the Internet. But I'm not so sure why. Still, the crotch area shouldn't be held in any form of advertising, especially an underwear ad.

And it seems that Mark Wahlberg is just standing their clutching his junk. I’m sure he doesn’t want his kids to see this on the Internet. But I’m not so sure why. Still, the crotch area shouldn’t be held in any form of advertising, especially in an underwear ad.

5. Givvies boxer shorts get you off the seam! Even as you accidentally put on your shoes before putting on your pants in the men’s locker room.

Now I'm sure Bobby is just drying off the sweat after today's golf tournament. But I wouldn't be surprised if he's about to snap the towel on Dave's ass in order to engage in some unintentionally homoerotic horseplay.

Now I’m sure Bobby is just drying off the sweat after today’s golf tournament. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s about to snap the towel on Dave’s ass in order to engage in some unintentionally homoerotic horseplay.

6. As this 1950s ad implies, whatever went on in the men’s locker room stayed in the men’s locker room.

Hmm.. seems like Danny loves to see Gary dress after a practice or the big game during their wholesome conversation. Of course, they are probably talking all the manly stuff like sports, hunting, fishing, and chicks. Not sure about the last part.

Hmm.. seems like Danny loves to see Gary dress after a practice or the big game during their wholesome conversation. Of course, they are probably talking all the manly stuff like sports, hunting, fishing, and chicks. Not sure about the last part.

7. During the 1950s, it was considered manly for two male roommates to engage in a good old fashioned pillow fight.

Yes, Bill and Henry are just roommates letting off steam by swiping pillows at each other. Nothing homoerotic about that. Just two guys getting at it in their underwear with some nice wholesome fun.

Yes, Bill and Henry are just roommates letting off steam by swiping pillows at each other. Nothing homoerotic about that. Just two guys getting at it in their underwear with some nice wholesome fun.

8. Wear Utica Bodyguard Briefs for the Annual Men’s Tidy Whiteys Golf Tournament of 1957.

If I saw a guy outside practicing his golf game in his underwear, I'd have to wonder about him. And that goes for men of all shapes and sizes whether they wear tidy whiteys or boxer shorts. Seriously, underwear ads tend to throw realism out the window.

If I saw a guy outside practicing his golf game in his underwear, I’d have to wonder about him. And that goes for men of all shapes and sizes whether they wear tidy whiteys or boxer shorts. Seriously, underwear ads tend to throw realism out the window.

9. Now with Munsingwear, even the most manly man can do the gardening in his tidy whiteys.

I'm sure this guy is digging in his tidy whiteys because he's either too lazy to change into some proper attire like coveralls or cargo pants. Or he's simply the neighborhood nudist who was recently told to take it down a notch.

I’m sure this guy is digging in his tidy whiteys because he’s either too lazy to change into some proper attire like coveralls or cargo pants. Or he’s simply the neighborhood nudist who was recently told to take it down a notch.

10. Reis Scandals: So comfy that even an Army guy will publicly disrobe to show them off to his buddies at camp.

Let's just say when servicemen spend lots of time together, privacy ceases to become an issue. Also, note the guy showering in the background. Yeah, sometimes what happens at the base, stays at the base.

Let’s just say when servicemen spend lots of time together, privacy ceases to become an issue. Also, note the guy showering in the background. Yeah, sometimes what happens at the base, stays at the base.

11. In the olden days, it wasn’t unusual for men to talk of hunting and fishing while in their undershirts and briefs.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if I want to find out what they're going to do with that fish. Also, they almost seem like they're touching each other.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if I want to find out what they’re going to do with that fish. Also, they almost seem like they’re touching each other.

12. Of course, during the 1920s, it wasn’t unusual for men to hangout together for pool and strip badminton.

I don't know about you but to me, it seems like a cross between The Great Gatsby and Foxcatcher. Must be the 1920s opulent settings and the unintentional homoeroticism.

I don’t know about you but to me, it seems like a cross between The Great Gatsby and Foxcatcher. Must be the 1920s opulent settings and the unintentional homoeroticism.

13. Reis Scandals: So comfy that men would often disrobe themselves to show them off to their friends, even on a cruise ship.

Now men disrobing at the military camp is one thing. That I can understand with the lack of privacy in that situation. I'm not sure about the cruise ship. I don't know it's just that I find the idea of men showing off each other's underwear as a bit gay so to speak.

Now men disrobing at the military camp is one thing. That I can understand with the lack of privacy in that situation. I’m not sure about the cruise ship. I don’t know it’s just that I find the idea of men showing off each other’s underwear as a bit gay so to speak.

14. During the 1950s, it wasn’t unusual for fathers and sons to engage in male bonding activities like having tea parties in their tidy whiteys and undershirts.

Okay, my dad and his brother were kids during the 1950s. And I'm sure that father-son bonding activities didn't consist of tidy whitey tea parties. Seriously, who the hell thought this would be a great idea? It's crazy.

Okay, my dad and his brother were kids during the 1950s. And I’m sure that father-son bonding activities didn’t consist of tidy whitey tea parties. Seriously, who the hell thought this would be a great idea? It’s crazy.

15. Before the 1920s, it was fairly common for a bunch of guys to build human pyramids in their union suits.

At first, it doesn't seem that weird since it seems like they're in their pajamas. Then you realize that men actually wore these outfits as underwear. And you can't help thinking such scene is hilarious.

At first, it doesn’t seem that weird since it seems like they’re in their pajamas. Then you realize that men actually wore these outfits as underwear. And you can’t help thinking such scene is hilarious.

16. 1950’s men’s locker rooms would sometimes become places of very awkward father and son conversations.

"So let me get this straight, Dad. Now after you and Mom got married, you put your who's it in her what's it, which was how I came about. Is that right?"

“So let me get this straight, Dad. Now after you and Mom got married, you put your who’s it in her what’s it, which was how I came about. Is that right?”

17. In France, men who wore blue speedo underwear would’ve been certainly bound to be noticed.

Of course, I'm sure the people looking at him don't seem to be outraged at all. In fact, after he and his girlfriend leave the restaurant, they'll all probably burst into shits and giggles.

Of course, I’m sure the people looking at him don’t seem to be outraged at all. In fact, after he and his girlfriend leave the restaurant, they’ll all probably burst into shits and giggles.

18. For any man wanting to enhance their carpet of virility during the 1970s, there was the genuine mink jock.

Now I know that this jock pair is marked as "erotic apparel." But I seem to find it anything but. In fact, I think it's disgusting. Yeah, let's assume that whoever came up with this was probably on some heavy brown acid.

Now I know that this jock pair is marked as “erotic apparel.” But I seem to find it anything but. In fact, I think it’s disgusting. Yeah, let’s assume that whoever came up with this was probably on some heavy brown acid.

19. For those awkward men’s three-legged races, try Skimpys.

Of course, these guys are just friends participating in a wholesome three legged race. And they just happen to be in their underwear. Nothing gay about that (sarcasm).

Of course, these guys are just friends participating in a wholesome three legged race. And they just happen to be in their underwear. Nothing gay about that (sarcasm). Also, there’s got to be another guy in this ad and it’s kind of terrifying that we don’t see anything else than his leg.

20. “Back off, Jimmy, those are my striped boxers!” “No, Hank, but you can take my striped boxers if you can pry them from my cold dead hands.”

Still, I have to admit, these guys really seem to enjoy fighting over underwear while wearing their boxers. Not sure which one will get the upper hand or what they'll do afterwards. Not sure where this is going.

Still, I have to admit, these guys really seem to enjoy fighting over underwear while wearing their boxers. Not sure which one will get the upper hand or what they’ll do afterwards. Not sure where this is going.

21. Men who wear Munsingwears always have other men checking them out. But there’s nothing gay about it. Really, they just admire the comfort and stretchiness.

Now I don't know about you, but I kind of have an idea where this is going. Seriously, I'm sure there's no way these two guys are "just friends" or that they're exclusively straight.

Now I don’t know about you, but I kind of have an idea where this is going. Seriously, I’m sure there’s no way these two guys are “just friends” or that they’re exclusively straight.

22. Be a new man with the Testosterone Radium Energizer and Suspensory.

Now that I know this is a type of underwear for men. But whether it's for kinky sex or cold blooded torture, I haven't the slightest idea. And I'm not sure what kind of guy would wear it.

Now that I know this is a type of underwear for men. But whether it’s for kinky sex or cold blooded torture, I haven’t the slightest idea. And I’m not sure what kind of guy would wear it.

23. “What do you mean I’m compensating for something, Larry?”

From The Advocate: "Boys! Boys! The only way this dispute can be settled is with a wrestling mat and some Wesson Oil!" Of course, I think that's where this is going.

From The Advocate: “Boys! Boys! The only way this dispute can be settled is with a wrestling mat and some Wesson Oil!” Of course, I think that’s where this is going.

24. Nothing makes sexier underwear than a matching yellow mesh set of a T-shirt and briefs.

I don't know about you but I don't think many men would go for fancy underwear like that. Seriously, men don't really care how they look inside. Also, that kind of fancy underwear makes these guys look as if they've just walked out of a San Francisco gay bar.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think many men would go for fancy underwear like that. Seriously, men don’t really care how they look inside. Also, that kind of fancy underwear makes these guys look as if they’ve just walked out of a San Francisco gay bar.

25. For a black man in the 1970s, there should be no reason why your underwear shouldn’t be funky and colorful.

Now these patterns are simply hideous. Seriously, these have to be the work of a men's underwear designer going great lengths trying to justify his own job existence.

Now these patterns are simply hideous. Seriously, these have to be the work of a men’s underwear designer going great lengths trying to justify his own job existence.

26. At Fruit of the Loom, all their men’s briefs come in a variety of fashionable colors you’d see in any football locker room.

I can imagine the black guy saying, "Dudes, why don't you get some clothes on? I mean you two white dudes socializing while eating ice cream in your undies? That can't be right."

I can imagine the black guy saying, “Dudes, why don’t you get some clothes on? I mean you two white dudes socializing while eating ice cream in your undies? That can’t be right. Not saying that’s gay or anything but…”

27. Jockey: as easy to wash as her stockings. Not sure if washing them in the bathroom is a great idea.

From The Advocate: "Sometimes I like to light up a cigar and wash my underwear at night. I try to be in the moment." But I'm not sure if it was normal for a man to do such a thing. Besides, I'm sure the majority of men's underwear out there is machine washable. So perhaps such scene isn't really necessary.

From The Advocate: “Sometimes I like to light up a cigar and wash my underwear at night. I try to be in the moment.” But I’m not sure if it was normal for a man to do such a thing. Besides, I’m sure the majority of men’s underwear out there is machine washable. So perhaps such scene isn’t really necessary.

28. “Hey, Roger, do you want to play a game of flag football in the locker room?”

I can imagine the football player saying, "Hey, guys, I might run across the field wearing tight pants and monstrous shoulder pads. But I sure look way less ridiculous than either of you do now socializing in your underwear."

I can imagine the football player saying, “Hey, guys, I might run across the field wearing tight pants and monstrous shoulder pads. But I sure look way less ridiculous than either of you do now socializing in your underwear.”

29. Nothing consists of quality father-son time like spending a day at the playground in their tidy whiteys.

I'm sure this ad is supposed to represent a wholesome father and son moment. However, in real life, it might result in the dad possibly being put in jail or on a sex offenders list. Yeah, fathers and sons don't participate in male bonding activities in their underwear, especially outside.

I’m sure this ad is supposed to represent a wholesome father and son moment. However, in real life, it might result in the dad possibly being put in jail or on a sex offenders list. Yeah, fathers and sons don’t participate in male bonding activities in their underwear, especially outside.

30. At summer weddings, it wasn’t uncommon for men and boys to show up in their boxers and briefs.

Funny, I expected men and boys of that era to dress a bit more formal for such occasions. Still, they seem to have a lot of fun taking the decorations off the car and playing with a dog.

Funny, I expected men and boys of that era to dress a bit more formal for such occasions. Still, they seem to have a lot of fun taking the decorations off the car and playing with a dog.

31. I’m sure this guy’s chest hair is actually a Rorschach test.

And for a moment, I thought that guy was Ted Danson from Cheers in the 1970s. Of course, you have to start somewhere. Still, not sure what to make about the chest hair.

And for a moment, I thought that guy was Ted Danson from Cheers in the 1970s. Of course, you have to start somewhere. Still, not sure what to make about the chest hair.

32. Of course, there seems to be a fight about to break out between the tidy whiteys and the funky undies.

Then again, the funky undies crowd seems pretty chill. And the tidy whiteys guys really don't want anything to do with the funky undies. Either way. I'd certainly wouldn't want to associate with either team.

Then again, the funky undies crowd seems pretty chill. And the tidy whiteys guys really don’t want anything to do with the funky undies. Either way. I’d certainly wouldn’t want to associate with either team.

33. Now nothing brings young men together in a pool men’s locker room than a pair of swimming flippers.

Not only are these guys in obnoxiously tacky boxers, but I'm sure they'll engage in an orgy with the flippers anytime soon. Oh, I'm sure we all experimented at that point in our lives.

Not only are these guys in obnoxiously tacky boxers, but I’m sure they’ll engage in an orgy with the flippers anytime soon. Oh, I’m sure we all experimented at that point in our lives.

34. Underwear in a tube! Well, that’s dynamite for you!

Actually "Dynamite" is a horrible name for an underwear brand. Seriously, no one wants to imagine exploding private parts. Doesn't help that their underwear is rolled into a stick with a string. And is stored in a box.

Actually “Dynamite” is a horrible name for an underwear brand. Seriously, no one wants to imagine exploding private parts. Doesn’t help that their underwear is rolled into a stick with a string. And is stored in a box.

35. Introducing the semi-brief.

Still, too be fair, there are some things that Judd Hirsch might want to keep private about his pre-Taxi days. This ad might be one of them. But the underwear he was wearing was so ridiculous, I couldn't pass this up.

Still, too be fair, there are some things that Judd Hirsch might want to keep private about his pre-Taxi days. This ad might be one of them. But the underwear he was wearing was so ridiculous, I couldn’t pass this up.

36. I’m sure an ad like this was intended to appeal to every man’s fantasy.

Because how else could you expect 3 neatly combed blond women on the beach with nothing but their underwear on? Seriously, folks, this seems way unrealistic and more or less in the realm of action movies or porn.

Because how else could you expect 3 neatly combed blond women on the beach with nothing but their underwear on? Seriously, folks, this seems way unrealistic and more or less in the realm of action movies or porn.

37. “With my new bra, I can put flowers in my hair and grab a bull by the horns.”

Yes, but just because you can doesn't mean you should. Besides, I think this bull might getting a bit angry. So it's probably best that she run for the hills.

Yes, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Besides, I think this bull might getting a bit angry. So it’s probably best that she run for the hills. Now.

38. “I came in like a wrecking ball!”

Hate to break it to you, lady, but I don't think it's a good idea to swing by on a crane without wearing the proper safety equipment. This is especially the case if the crane has the potential to run into that building behind you.

Hate to break it to you, lady, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to swing by on a crane without wearing the proper safety equipment. This is especially the case if the crane has the potential to run into that building behind you.

39. “With my Maidenform bra, I can walk on a tightrope through the city at night.”

And I sense that this woman is well on her way to winning a Darwin Award. Seriously, does she have any idea how dangerous walking a tightrope over the city is? She would have better survival odds at the circus.

And I sense that this woman is well on her way to winning a Darwin Award. Seriously, does she have any idea how dangerous walking a tightrope over the city is? She would have better survival odds at the circus.

40. Back in the day, it was common for many women to get together for a masquerade, while wearing only a bra for the top.

Now I don't know about you. But I kind of find the dancing masked bra ladies in the background to be quite terrifying. Of course, it's one of the few instances where scantily clad women become the stuff of nightmares.

Now I don’t know about you. But I kind of find the dancing masked bra ladies in the background to be quite terrifying. Of course, it’s one of the few instances where scantily clad women become the stuff of nightmares.

41. Be a wanted sexy gunfighter with your Maidenform bra.

Now I guess her name is "Sexy Sadie" Stripper. And I'm sure that she's wanted for the G-String murders who allegedly forced her to dance on a table. She said the victims deserved it, however. I'm not so sure.

Now I guess her name is “Sexy Sadie” Stripper. And I’m sure that she’s wanted for the G-String murders who allegedly forced her to dance on a table. She said the victims deserved it, however. I’m not so sure.

42. Get the natural support you need with the “nipple” bra.

Jesus Christ, if I wanted nipples showing through my shirt when I'm out and about, I'd just go with a cheaper option. Not wearing a bra. Seriously, why did this thing ever exist in the first place?

Jesus Christ, if I wanted nipples showing through my shirt when I’m out and about, I’d just go with a cheaper option. Not wearing a bra. Seriously, why did this thing ever exist in the first place?

43. It’s said that a woman wearing Valentino lingerie becomes an object of her man’s desire.

Then again, there are some women who may become targets of stalkers. And some of those stalkers might be homicidal maniacs. I'm sure I wouldn't want to be that woman the scary guy has eyes on. Really creeps me out.

Then again, there are some women who may become targets of stalkers. And some of those stalkers might be homicidal maniacs. I’m sure I wouldn’t want to be that woman the scary guy has eyes on. Really creeps me out.

44. For generations, Loveable has been selling comfort to women and girls of all ages.

Yes, but does that statement have to be surmised in perhaps one of the most awkward family photos ever. Seriously, there's no way in hell I'd want have a picture with my mom and grandma in their underwear. I mean how could they think this was a good idea?

Yes, but does that statement have to be surmised in perhaps one of the most awkward family photos ever. Seriously, there’s no way in hell I’d want have a picture with my mom and grandma in their underwear. I mean how could they think this was a good idea?

45. Nothing upsets the retirement home like seeing a nurse having her panties accidentally fall off.

Of course, this wheelchaired bound old man now can't wait to tell his buddies about what he just witnessed. Yes, he's a dirty old bastard but what can you do? Then again, some men can have a heart attack and die if such a sight excites them too much.

Of course, this wheelchaired bound old man now can’t wait to tell his buddies about what he just witnessed. Yes, he’s a dirty old bastard but what can you do? Then again, some men can have a heart attack and die if such a sight excites them too much.

46. A padded bra helps distinguish a civilized white woman from a native tribal girl in the Pacific Isles.

Of course, it should be apparent to all of us that lingerie ads tend to be pretty racist. This especially goes for the past. Still, how they managed to get a topless woman on there I can't explain.

Of course, it should be apparent to all of us that lingerie ads tend to be pretty racist. This especially goes for the past. Still, how they managed to get a topless woman on there I can’t explain.

47. There’s nothing more relaxing for a woman than frolicking in the forest with her friends wearing pink lingerie.

Of course, they're trying emphasize that lingerie is comfortable. Maybe, but that doesn't mean I'd frolic in the woods in that. And that doesn't mean you should either. Might want to go with a sports bra for outdoor activities.

Of course, they’re trying emphasize that lingerie is comfortable. Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I’d frolic in the woods in that. And that doesn’t mean you should either. Might want to go with a sports bra for outdoor activities.

48. Wear your Maidenform bra so you can dance the Charleston.

Unless I'm drunk off my ass in Paris in the middle of the night, how the hell would I be able to dance the Charleston in that outfit? Seriously, the Charleston is a 1920s dance. And I'm sure these women posing for it weren't around then.

Unless I’m drunk off my ass in Paris in the middle of the night, how the hell would I be able to dance the Charleston in that outfit? Seriously, the Charleston is a 1920s dance. And I’m sure these women posing for it weren’t around then.

49. Here’s some lingerie to help you look forward to Indian summer.

Of course, cultural appropriation is also prevalent in lingerie ads. And let's just say we don't want to offend Native Americans, shall we? Seriously, we don't want to perpetuate the nubile savage girl, shall we?

Of course, cultural appropriation is also prevalent in lingerie ads. And let’s just say we don’t want to offend Native Americans, shall we? Seriously, we don’t want to perpetuate the nubile savage girl, shall we?

50. When it comes to lingerie, cone bras and big hair are all the rage.

Of course, what baffles me about this ad is the fact how Cousin Itt managed to knock up a supermodel. Then again, he might give credit to the famous Burt Reynolds Cosmo centerfold.

Of course, what baffles me about this ad is the fact how Cousin Itt managed to knock up a supermodel. Then again, he might give credit to the famous Burt Reynolds Cosmo centerfold.

51. Vassarette: The lingerie choice for sluts.

Basically, this ad states: "Ladies, if you wear our lingerie, you will get lucky or you're a whore." Note that you will never see such message on men's underwear ads. Well, maybe not in that context.

Basically, this ad states: “Ladies, if you wear our lingerie, you will get lucky or you’re a whore.” Note that you will never see such message on men’s underwear ads. Well, maybe not in that context.

52. Introducing the “don’t slip” slip.

Of course, this is the kind of slip women wear over their shimmering space age suits. I'm not sure why but that's what the ad shows.

Of course, this is the kind of slip women wear over their shimmering space age suits. I’m not sure why but that’s what the ad shows.

53. Apparently, back in the day, you can work out in your lingerie at the gym.

Hmmm...not sure if I agree with this ad here. Then again, they could be wearing a sports bra with an athletic girdle and garter belt with them. Not sure if the latter ever existed though.

Hmmm…not sure if I agree with this ad here. Then again, they could be wearing a sports bra with an athletic girdle and garter belt with them. Not sure if the latter ever existed though.

54. After Vicky was kidnapped, she soon found herself forced to play DJ in her lingerie for the giant lady’s party.

Of course, if Vicky put on music that the giant lady and her guests didn't like, then she'd suffer a most agonizing death by being cooked in a meat pie, ground up.

Of course, if Vicky put on music that the giant lady and her guests didn’t like, then she’d suffer a most agonizing death by being cooked in a meat pie, ground up. Still, at least they let her eat donuts.

55. Now Liddy loves to feel the air on her breasts in the London fog.

Of course, she only has a limited time until some British policeman in a funny hat arrests her for indecent exposure. That, or distracting drivers into an accident at some intersection.

Of course, she only has a limited time until some British policeman in a funny hat arrests her for indecent exposure. That, or distracting drivers into an accident at some intersection.

56. In the 1940s, nothing sold Formfit Life Bras than mutantly proportioned minxes uttering stupid not-too-dirty limericks.

Too bad Little Boy Blue is missing the chance for a real life dream. Yeah, you don't get a mutantly-proportioned beauty in her lingerie like that every day, buddy. Too bad Little Boy Blue is too sleepy to notice.

Too bad Little Boy Blue is missing the chance for a real life dream. Yeah, you don’t get a mutantly-proportioned beauty in her lingerie like that every day, buddy. Too bad Little Boy Blue is too sleepy to notice.

57. Wearing a Maidenform bra gives you a great chance for women to engage in kinky private eye antics.

Yes, with her Maidenform Bra, handcuffs and hole punctured newspaper, Julia is ready to solve a mystery. Too bad the case at hand pertains to woman suspecting her middle aged and overweight husband cheating on her.

Yes, with her Maidenform Bra, handcuffs and hole punctured newspaper, Julia is ready to solve a mystery. Too bad the case at hand pertains to woman suspecting her middle aged and overweight husband cheating on her.

58. Since Beryl started wearing her Maidenform Bra, chess is now an elegant evening pastime.

My, what a big King there. Also, wonder where you can get those matching mermaid evening skirts with that bra. Still, seems like these women get their kicks above the waistline, sunshine.

My, what a big King there. Also, wonder where you can get those matching mermaid evening skirts with that bra. Still, seems like these women get their kicks above the waistline, sunshine.

59. In the 1950s, women were expected to turn a bold shoulder to summer in their lingerie.

What you see here was a rare ritual of 1950s sun worship in the sacred rite of the Stepfordian religion. Of course, they never tell you about such things. Still, the Stepfordian religion died down rather quick anyway.

What you see here was a rare ritual of 1950s sun worship in the sacred rite of the Stepfordian religion. Of course, they never tell you about such things. Still, the Stepfordian religion died down rather quick anyway.

60. When it’s spring, the tulips sprout as well as the tulip beauties that spring from them.

You may not know from this, but it's well known that the mutant tulip women ate their husbands. Yes, they're literal maneaters who are willing to kill again.

You may not know from this, but it’s well known that the mutant tulip women ate their husbands. Yes, they’re literal maneaters who are willing to kill again.

61. “Is every Movie Star this beautiful?”

My question: "Does every Movie Star even wear super conservative lingerie?" Of course, that one has an obvious answer: "No." And I'm sure this ad wasn't issued in the 1950s to say the least.

My question: “Does every Movie Star even wear super conservative lingerie?” Of course, that one has an obvious answer: “No.” And I’m sure this ad wasn’t issued in the 1950s to say the least.

62. In your Maidenform Bra, you can ski down the Alps with your Saint Bernard.

Of course, she has no idea that the mountain weather can be quite chilly and unpredictable. Still, she's certainly not dressed for the occasion by any stretch of the imagination.

Of course, she has no idea that the mountain weather can be quite chilly and unpredictable. Still, she’s certainly not dressed for the occasion by any stretch of the imagination.

63. In her Maidenform Bra, Henrietta was able to face the pool sharks who brutally beat her up and sent her to the emergency room.

Now she's quite the hussy for a pool hustler. Of course, she tends to use her bra as a tactic against her male competitors who may be distracted by the sexy.

Now she’s quite the hussy for a pool hustler. Of course, she tends to use her bra as a tactic against her male competitors who may be distracted by the sexy.

64. Remember, ladies, you can’t go stargazing if you don’t have the right kind of lingerie.

Since when do you need lingerie to go stargazing. I'm sure not having a nightie, girdle, or bra didn't stop Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson from becoming an astrophysicist. Of course, I don't think he's the kind of guy I'd want to see in lingerie.

Since when do you need lingerie to go stargazing. I’m sure not having a nightie, girdle, or bra didn’t stop Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson from becoming an astrophysicist. Of course, I don’t think he’s the kind of guy I’d want to see in lingerie.

65. “Oh, yes, Og, I enjoy being dragged by the hair by you. Please abuse me.”

From Buzzfeed: "Obvious cringeworthy sexism aside, shouldn’t the caveman be barefooted? What is he, a Roman caveman?" Well, yeah, because I'm not sure if they had any sandals in the Stone Age. Of course, The Flinstones isn't a reliable source for Prehistory, but like early man, they also went barefoot as well.

From Buzzfeed: “Obvious cringeworthy sexism aside, shouldn’t the caveman be barefooted? What is he, a Roman caveman?” Well, yeah, because I’m not sure if they had any sandals in the Stone Age. Of course, The Flinstones isn’t a reliable source for Prehistory, but like early man, they also went barefoot as well.

66. Girls, buy a set of 6 panties and get a free record.

Of course, it's just a lousy single that only plays a couple of songs on it. Yet, at least your granny panties will all be different colors that will match with your pastel outfits.

Of course, it’s just a lousy single that only plays a couple of songs on it. Yet, at least your granny panties will all be different colors that will match with your pastel outfits. Guess they’ll do anything to sell to teenage girls.

67. “Remember, ladies, always wear a pretty pair of panties. Because you’ll never know when you’ll get hit by a car.”

Okay, so how is a pretty pair of panties going to help you if you're involved in an accident? Of course, it won't. Seriously, this is just sexist on so many levels. Nobody ever tells guys to put a handsome pair of briefs in an event of these things.

Okay, so how is a pretty pair of panties going to help you if you’re involved in an accident? Of course, it won’t. Seriously, this is just sexist on so many levels. Nobody ever tells guys to put a handsome pair of briefs in an event of these things.

68. Of course, the lady editor wearing a Maidenform Bra tends to be quite kinky with the phone.

Of course, how she won't get tangled in the phone wire I have no idea. Still, if you look at the hats, you find out that her job has something to do with fashion. Still, kind of disappoints me as an example of female stereotyping.

Of course, how she won’t get tangled in the phone wire I have no idea. Still, if you look at the hats, you find out that her job has something to do with fashion. Still, kind of disappoints me as an example of female stereotyping.

69. Just a mother and daughter spending quality female bonding time together in their underwear.

Not sure what to make of this, but it's probably not as awkward with the father-son equivalent. Then again, it seems like these two have no sense of privacy whatsoever. Also, my mother would always make sure I was dressed (or covered) before she did anything with my hair.

Not sure what to make of this, but it’s probably not as awkward with the father-son equivalent. Then again, it seems like these two have no sense of privacy whatsoever. Also, my mother would always make sure I was dressed (or covered) before she did anything with my hair.

70. With Jantzen lingerie, women can do anything.

However, girls, remember that you can be carried away by balloons while just wearing lingerie. So perhaps you might want to cover up first. Oh, and it seems that the dog's carrying one, too.

However, girls, remember that you can be carried away by balloons while just wearing lingerie. So perhaps you might want to cover up first. Oh, and it seems that the dog’s carrying one, too.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now summer is a big season for music since it’s a time of year when musical artists are touring the country as well as the summer music festivals. So it’s no wonder why I decided to do yet another edition of vintage album covers you’d love to laugh at. For those who don’t know, the cover above is of Billy Joel’s 1980s album The Nylon Curtain which isn’t one of his best known albums but its cover does have a unique simplistic style a neighborhood at sunset in true minimalist fashion. Luckily, Billy Joel was such a noted artist in the early 1980s that his record company would certainly sent the best cover artist around even while the artist was dating models, going to parties, and drunkenly crashing cars into houses. Unfortunately, for those who relish in great album art like this, this post isn’t for you. So perhaps you should go to some website like Amazon or Ebay and look for the great album covers there. This is for crappy vintage covers that might’ve seemed like a good idea at a time, but are either dated or are a source of some unfortunate implications. Some might give you an idea that the cover artist was basically drunk or high on some mind altering drugs. Not sure if they had meth back then though. So without further adieu, here are some crappy album covers you and/or your parents might’ve forgotten about.

1. Eulenspygel 2

Well, looks like PeeWee wanted all the attention by himself so he made sure that his siblings would meet their gruesome deaths in the frying pan. Yes, that is one sick bird.

Well, looks like PeeWee wanted all the attention by himself so he made sure that his siblings would meet their gruesome deaths in the frying pan. Yes, that is one sick bird.

Hmmm….seems like farm chicks aren’t the innocent balls of fluff that we initially thought.

2. Larz Kelsterz Stuffparty 2

Seems like the music on this album appears to be inspired by Saturday Night Fever and ABBA. Of course, I can't take this cover seriously with those garish golden polyester suits.

Seems like the music on this album appears to be inspired by Saturday Night Fever and ABBA. Of course, I can’t take this cover seriously with those garish golden polyester suits.

Possibly one of the pioneering albums in West German Eurodisco.

3. Black Sabbath Sabotage

The only positives about this is how one guy is wearing red tights and another is wearing a dress. Said to be one of the worst album covers in rock history. It's said that the photo sessions of this cover were rushed and that it had become a victim of sabotage itself. Of course, it's kind of fitting in a way.

The only positives about this is how one guy is wearing red tights and another is wearing a dress. Said to be one of the worst album covers in rock history. It’s said that the photo sessions of this cover were rushed and that it had become a victim of sabotage itself. Of course, it’s kind of fitting in a way.

Kind of makes me bummed seeing Ozzy Osbourne in what’s nothing more than a boring photoshoot. “Crazy Train” this ain’t.

4. Dave Stephens Organ Fascination

And not only any naked girl, one that seems like she really wants to get the photo shoot over with. Kind of like how a hooker wants to get it over with so she can take her cash and leave. Wonder if this album includes religious music, which would be all the more ironic.

And not only any naked girl, one that seems like she really wants to get the photo shoot over with. Kind of like how a hooker wants to get it over with so she can take her cash and leave. Wonder if this album includes religious music, which would be all the more ironic.

Seems like the guy is so desperate to sell his organ music album that he put a naked girl on the cover.

5. Norberto de Freitas Trapalhadas do Balbino

Man, that guy on the cover really needs to see a dentist. Of course, some in America may swear they've seen a man like that on the Subway.

Man, that guy on the cover really needs to see a dentist. Of course, some in America may swear they’ve seen a man like that on the Subway.

Didn’t know that Italians would be into hobo music. Then again, it might be opera hobo music.

6. Alison Angrim As Amy Carter Heeere’s Amy!

Sure she might be a sweet nerdy girl you might want to take home to mama. But, gentlemen, be warned that she can strangle you with her bare hands. If you're a man who likes erotic asphyxiation, you have been warned.

Sure she might be a sweet nerdy girl you might want to take home to mama. But, gentlemen, be warned that she can strangle you with her bare hands. If you’re a man who likes erotic asphyxiation, you have been warned.

There doesn’t seem to be anything sweet behind those oversized nerd girl glasses.

7. Music to Make Housework Easier

Okay, let's get this straight. This woman is obviously not a housewife in any way, shape, or form. No real housewife would spend all day sweeping and ironing in business attire, even in the 1950s. It's more like it that she's a part-time working mom who's taking a small smoking break who's rushing to get everything done before her husband and kids come home.

Okay, let’s get this straight. This woman is obviously not a housewife in any way, shape, or form. No real housewife would spend all day sweeping and ironing in business attire, even in the 1950s. It’s more likely that she’s a part-time working mom who’s taking a small smoking break who’s rushing to get everything done before her husband and kids come home.

Seems like she’s on her smoking break after she spent hours sweeping and ironing in her blouse, skirt, nylons, and high heels.

8. Heavy Load Stronger than Evil

Besides, I swear that Boromir almost looked just like that near the end of the first Lord of the Rings movie. Also, what's with the face?

Besides, I swear that Boromir almost looked just like that near the end of the first Lord of the Rings movie. Also, what’s with the face?

Either he’s not or good has a tendency to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

9. Battleaxe Burn This Town

Seriously, I think there have been more couch burnings in Morgantown, West Virginia with more bad ass flames than this. Wonder if this album art was done by a family member of the band. Because I find cover design hard to take seriously.

Seriously, I think there have been more couch burnings in Morgantown, West Virginia with more bad ass flames than this. Wonder if this album art was done by a family member of the band. Because I find cover design hard to take seriously.

Sorry, but I don’t think that’s a very lame attempt for a scorched earth policy.

10. The Handsome Beasts Bestiality

Now I might not like a naked fat guy on the cover, but that's not my issue here. My issue here is that they put a naked fat guy on the cover with a pig on an album titled Bestiality. Seriously, I think I have an idea of what's going on and think it's depraved.

Now I might not like a naked fat guy on the cover, but that’s not my issue here. My issue here is that they put a naked fat guy on the cover with a pig on an album titled Bestiality. Seriously, I think I have an idea of what’s going on and think it’s depraved.

Okay, I have a very bad feeling where this is going.

11. Nelson Because They Can

Now two guys in long blond wigs is one thing. But two dogs in long blond wigs like that? Now that's just freaking hilarious. But to the dogs, it must be humiliating.

Now two guys in long blond wigs is one thing. But two dogs in long blond wigs like that? Now that’s just freaking hilarious. But to the dogs, it must be humiliating.

Possibly the most honest album cover I’ve seen for a long time.

12. Ethel Merman The Ethel Merman Disco Album

For those who don't know who Ethel Merman is, she's an early 20th century singer best known for singing show tunes and appearing on Broadway musicals. Why she did a disco album is anyone's guess. Then again both Broadway and disco tend to have a gay fanbase.

For those who don’t know who Ethel Merman is, she’s an early 20th century singer best known for singing show tunes and appearing on Broadway musicals. Why she did a disco album is anyone’s guess. Then again both Broadway and disco tend to have a gay fanbase.

Seems like your grandparents’ artists will do anything to stay relevant or appeal to a new generation.

13. Jonah Jones I Dig Chicks!

Of course, as to why they had all those girls on the back hoe without any proper safety equipment, I have no idea. Seriously, this cover photoshoot seems to use the same amount of safety procedures as Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" video.

Of course, as to why they had all those girls on the back hoe without any proper safety equipment, I have no idea. Seriously, this cover photoshoot seems to use the same amount of safety procedures as Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” video.

Interesting way how your put the gay rumors to rest.

14. Scorpions Animal Magnetism

I'm sorry, but whenever I see a guy standing towards a kneeling woman looking up at him, I tend to imagine something I really can't mention at the moment. And the dog seems anticipating this. Still, not sure if the beach is the best place for that. Might need a change of venue.

I’m sorry, but whenever I see a guy standing towards a kneeling woman looking up at him, I tend to imagine something I really can’t mention at the moment. And the dog seems anticipating this. Still, not sure if the beach is the best place for that. Might need a change of venue.

Was this band even warned that their album art might not be suitable for PG audiences?

15. Fireballet Two, Too…

Now guys in leotards and tights is one thing. But hairy guys in tutus from the 1970s? Now that's crazy. Guess the guy who thought this up must've been on some powerful hallucinogens.

Now guys in leotards and tights is one thing. But hairy guys in tutus from the 1970s? Now that’s crazy. Guess the guy who thought this up must’ve been on some powerful hallucinogens.

Just a bunch of hairy men in the 1970s getting in touch with their feminine side. Despite the fact real male ballet dancers don’t wear tutus.

16. Alix Dobkin Living with Lesbians

Either the people in this photo are very butch lesbians in very but clothing, which might perpetuate obvious stereotypes. Or they're all men, since it doesn't seem apparent to me that any of them have boobs.

Either the people in this photo are very butch lesbians in very but clothing, which might perpetuate obvious stereotypes. Or they’re all men, since it doesn’t seem apparent to me that any of them have boobs.

As a heterosexual woman, I don’t often say this, but I think the women shouldn’t be wearing such loose clothing, if they’re women at all.

17. Jose Angel Madre Soy Christiano Homosexual

Still, stereotypically speaking, he more or less resembles a guy you'd see at a Jimmy Buffett concert in Florida. But yeah, the coming out bit to his mom via album cover is pretty funny. Perhaps he's better off telling her face to face. Then again, she probably knew anyway for years.

Still, stereotypically speaking, he more or less resembles a guy you’d see at a Jimmy Buffett concert in Florida. But yeah, the coming out bit to his mom via album cover is pretty funny. Perhaps he’s better off telling her face to face. Then again, she probably knew anyway for years.

Translated as: “Mom, I’m a Christian Homosexual.”

18. Millie Jackson Back to the S**t!

Then again, she was just back from her Tijuana vacation with the runs shortly before the album's release. Perhaps the bathroom shot was the best they can do at the moment. Still, it's very much in poor taste. Really, I don't anybody wants to see that.

Then again, she was just back from her Tijuana vacation with the runs shortly before the album’s release. Perhaps the bathroom shot was the best they can do at the moment. Still, it’s very much in poor taste. Really, I don’t anybody wants to see that.

As to why you’d want to promote your album with a glimpse of the most private moments of your life, I have no idea.

19. Butch Yelton and Upbound Swing that Gospel Axe

Okay, now if that guy swings that ax, he's bound to inflict bodily injury on somebody in this photo. Other than that, seems to resemble more of a folk rock album from the 1970s, than anything featuring Christian music.

Okay, now if that guy swings that ax, he’s bound to inflict bodily injury on somebody in this photo. Other than that, seems to resemble more of a folk rock album from the 1970s, than anything featuring Christian music. Are these people trying to make themselves look like the Christianized ripoff to CCR?

For the love of God, no way in Hell! Seriously, you may hurt somebody.

20. The Murk Family Love for All Seasons

Now I like flowers as much as the next person. But I have to admit, that floral pattern is hideous. Let's just say that there are some moments of 1970s fashion that nobody wants to repeat.

Now I like flowers as much as the next person. But I have to admit, that floral pattern is hideous. Let’s just say that there are some moments of 1970s fashion that nobody wants to repeat.

Of course, it was mandatory that everyone match for this photoshoot. So Mom decided to make outfits with the family tablecloth.

21. Elsie Brooks Elsie Brooks

This was Elsie's idea for her album cover. She wanted to get closer to her roots while she was a struggling stripclub dancer at The Gaylord Club. She often wore the feather boa outfit in her act as well as danced with streamers.

This was Elsie’s idea for her album cover. She wanted to get closer to her roots while she was a struggling stripclub dancer at The Gaylord Club. She often wore the feather boa outfit in her act as well as danced with streamers.

Seems like she’s doing some dirty dancing with the typography.

22. Mike Terry Live at the Pavilion Theatre – Glasgow Vol. 2

Seems like Liberace was such a success in the United States that the Brits wanted a flamboyantly gay concert pianist of their own. Seems like Mike Terry happened to be it in his sparkly attire.

Seems like Liberace was such a success in the United States that the Brits wanted a flamboyantly gay concert pianist of their own. Seems like Mike Terry happened to be it in his sparkly attire.

And I thought there was no gayer concert pianist than Liberace.

23. The Glitter Band Hey!

What's even funnier is that I've actually played a song by Gary Glitter in high school and college band. Of course, their song "Rock and Roll Part 2" has been played at American sporting events for time immemorial. However, it's said that Gary Glitter himself has been convicted of sexual abuse and child pornography since the 1990s.

What’s even funnier is that I’ve actually played a song by Gary Glitter in high school and college band. Of course, their song “Rock and Roll Part 2” has been played at American sporting events for time immemorial. However, it’s said that Gary Glitter himself has been convicted of sexual abuse and child pornography since the 1990s.

Of course, I have to apologize that these guys are definitely not from the future or outer space. They’re from the 1970s.

24. Les Baxter Space Escapade

Still, you have to hand it to them that these guys aren't prejudiced. I mean they'll take yellow girls, pink girls, purple girls, etc. Also, wonder what's inside those pots. Then again, maybe I don't want to know.

Still, you have to hand it to them that these guys aren’t prejudiced. I mean they’ll take yellow girls, pink girls, purple girls, etc. Also, wonder what’s inside those pots. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like Captain Kirk isn’t the only human space horndog in the galaxy.

25. The Peacemakers My Faith Still Holds

Of course, this Christian group would've gone with "The Police" but it was already taken. Still, not sure why the men are wearing police uniforms and the woman is clad in Cruella De Vil's summer dress.

Of course, this Christian group would’ve gone with “The Police” but it was already taken. Still, not sure why the men are wearing police uniforms and the woman is clad in Cruella De Vil’s summer dress.

Your faith might still hold but I’m not sure if you can get out of jail for this one.

26. Colonel Sanders Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic

Seriously, if this is supposed to be a Tijuana picnic, then shouldn't the family be eating Mexican food instead of KFC? Then again, the Colonel would probably lose some business to Taco Bell. Still, this is just a case of blatant product placement and geographical inaccuracy.

Seriously, if this is supposed to be a Tijuana picnic, then shouldn’t the family be eating Mexican food instead of KFC? Then again, the Colonel would probably lose some business to Taco Bell. Still, this is just a case of blatant product placement and geographical inaccuracy.

Seems more like a Kentucky Fried picnic to me as the Colonel intended.

27. Mike Adkins Thank You for the Dove

Now Mike Adkins is the kind of guy who once had a great career, a loving family, and was a hit at a party spouting tall tales and jokes galore. Then tragedy struck that he became a shell of himself. Of course, the dove is the best thing that's ever happened to him since....the accident. So perhaps we should cut the guy some slack for once.

Now Mike Adkins is the kind of guy who once had a great career, a loving family, and was a hit at a party spouting tall tales and jokes galore. Then tragedy struck that he became a shell of himself. Of course, the dove is the best thing that’s ever happened to him since….the accident. So perhaps we should cut the guy some slack for once.

I’m sure his hand will soon be covered in birdshit as soon as the white dove can fly.

28. The Singing Postman The Best of the Singing Postman

Seems friendly enough. But of course, he probably had to turn to music since he was said to sleep with every woman in town. But I'm not sure if that's for being a mailman or a musician.

Seems friendly enough. But of course, he probably had to turn to music since he was said to sleep with every woman in town. But I’m not sure if that’s for being a mailman or a musician.

Or as some people call it, “Music to Irritate Your Dog.”

29. Tino Por Primera Vez

Still, don't know what to make of that short shorts and polo outfit. Or the pose where he's spreading his legs. Kind of disturbing if I look at it. Still, album is probably aimed at teenage girls.

Still, don’t know what to make of that short shorts and polo outfit. Or the pose where he’s spreading his legs. Kind of disturbing if I look at it. Still, album is probably aimed at teenage girls.

Guess this boy must’ve been the Justin Bieber of his day in Latin America.

30. Francisco y Fernando Vamos a la Playa

Well, it's translated "Come to the Beach" even though neither have chests you want to write home about. But they seem to give each other the male gaze so to speak. Not sure if they're "just friends" or have a love that dare not speak its name. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Well, it’s translated “Come to the Beach” even though neither have chests you want to write home about. But they seem to give each other the male gaze so to speak. Not sure if they’re “just friends” or have a love that dare not speak its name. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Hmmm….two shirtless guys at the beach with their backpacks. Wonder what can go on there.

31. The Celebration Road Show Amazing Grace

Now having a cute little kid juxtaposed with the homeless old guy with a bottle in his and sitting near an empty pit. Wonder what those two images have in common. And what the hell is the drunken old guy doing on a Christian album?

Now having a cute little kid juxtaposed with the homeless old guy with a bottle in his and sitting near an empty pit. Wonder what those two images have in common. And what the hell is the drunken old guy doing on a Christian album?

They decided to go with the cute kid in hopes that nobody would notice the old drunken homeless man.

32. Dan Betzer and Louie Dan Betzer and Louie Tell the Bible Classics Vol. III

Wonder if this album includes the story of David and Bathsheba or the Song of Solomon. Then of course, it's probably catered to children. So no double entendres or David raping another man's wife and having her husband killed.

Wonder if this album includes the story of David and Bathsheba or the Song of Solomon. Then of course, it’s probably catered to children. So no double entendres or David raping another man’s wife and having her husband killed.

Because nothing makes Sunday school more fun than listening to Bible stories told by some Middle Eastern clad ventriloquist shepherd and his shepherd dummy.

33. Music to Paint By

Still, I don't think either one of them is in appropriate housepainting attire, which is crap clothes you can throw away. Also, I'm sure dancing isn't a good idea when you're holding paintbrushes either. I mean paint can really get in your clothes.

Still, I don’t think either one of them is in appropriate housepainting attire, which is crap clothes you can throw away. Also, I’m sure dancing isn’t a good idea when you’re holding paintbrushes either. I mean paint can really get in your clothes.

Now there’s an album you can listen to as you and your spouse put another coat on the living room walls.

34. Man with a Horn

Not sure if this woman wants to blow him or his trumpet. Of course, he usually blows out of his own trumpet anyway. Then again, maybe we should leave it up to the imagination.

Not sure if this woman wants to blow him or his trumpet. Of course, he usually blows out of his own trumpet anyway. Then again, maybe we should leave it up to the imagination.

Kind of like Fifty Shades of Grey but with more blowing action and a jazzy soundtrack.

35. Lenny Dee Down South

Of course, it seems like he's distracted by the ballerina on a water surfboard. Still, for those who've seen my vintage postcards, it should be obvious he's in Florida.

Of course, it seems like he’s distracted by the ballerina on a water surfboard. Still, for those who’ve seen my vintage postcards, it should be obvious he’s in Florida. Either that or just on acid.

A motorized raft for your piano? Now I’ve never seen that before.

36. The Phineas Newborn Trio “I Love a Piano”

Of course, she's likely to hump a a leg that's mahogany with a fine varnish and great curves. Still, I'm sure cuddling up with this kind of hard wood is sure to cause splinters.

Of course, she’s likely to hump a a leg that’s mahogany with a fine varnish and great curves. Still, I’m sure cuddling up with this kind of hard wood is sure to cause splinters.

While she does love legs, she prefers them as sturdy as they are graceful.

37. Music for Your Plants

Okay, now this is just ridiculous that it makes an album for your pets seem normal. Seriously, do plants even listen to music? Can they even hear at all? Nevertheless, I think hiring an orchestra for your ivy and ferns is just beyond crazy.

Okay, now this is just ridiculous that it makes an album for your pets seem normal. Seriously, do plants even listen to music? Can they even hear at all? Nevertheless, I think hiring an orchestra for your ivy and ferns is just beyond crazy.

Now there’s even an album for your houseplants to listen to.

38. Cees Verschoor Dutch Sax

Hate to inflict some political correctness, but I think the outfit is a bit stereotypical. If not, then anachronistic or possibly more appropriate for a polka album. Still, at least she's in high heels and nylons. But for God's sake Dutch people don't dress like that. Never have.

Hate to inflict some political correctness, but I think the outfit is a bit stereotypical. If not, then anachronistic or possibly more appropriate for a polka album. Still, at least she’s in high heels and nylons. But for God’s sake Dutch people don’t dress like that. Never have.

Didn’t know people in the Netherlands even listened to jazz music, let alone saxophone.

39. The Ventures Walk Don’t Run

Not only that, but the lead female singer was so much in rehearsal mode that she absolutely no idea what was going on. Of course, all the male members had to go to the hospital and the tour was cancelled.

Not only that, but the lead female singer was so much in rehearsal mode that she absolutely no idea what was going on. Of course, all the male members had to go to the hospital and the tour was cancelled.

Seems like the band experienced a little accident due to all the male members fighting over the pretty lead singer.

40. Smethin’ Smith and the Redheads Crazy People

Then again, all three could be reenacting their favorite sexual fantasy on the cover. Besides, those nurse outfits look like they're straight from Mindy's Sex Shop than any hospital.

Then again, all three could be reenacting their favorite sexual fantasy on the cover. Besides, those nurse outfits look like they’re straight from Mindy’s Sex Shop than any hospital.

I’m sure these guys don’t mind being in straitjackets at the funny farm with all those sexy nurses taking care of their needs.

41. Bert Kaempfert and His Orchestra If I Had You

Don't look now but I think she's giving the kind of face that says, "Ask me for a drink again and I'll plan to file a restraining order against you." Basically if a woman gives you a look like that at a bar, then she's obviously not that into you.

Don’t look now but I think she’s giving the kind of face that says, “Ask me for a drink again and I’ll plan to file a restraining order against you.” Basically if a woman gives you a look like that at a bar, then she’s obviously not that into you.

Or as I call it, “Love Songs for the Singles Bar.”

42. David Carroll and His Orchestra Contrasts

Okay, now this guy is either in an old timey bathing suit or his pajamas. But we're all sure he's certainly distracted by the sexy. Still, why they thought an image like this was a good idea, don't ask me. Oh, wait it was the girl in a bikini part.

Okay, now this guy is either in an old timey bathing suit or his pajamas. But we’re all sure he’s certainly distracted by the sexy. Still, why they thought an image like this was a good idea, don’t ask me. Oh, wait it was the girl in a bikini part.

Seems like old timey bathing suit guy really has a thing for the girl in the striped bikini.

43. Les Compagnons de la Chanson

Well, I guess this was probably the only place available for an album photo shoot. Still, I'm not sure a junk yard is an appropriate photo op destination for an album I definitely know doesn't consist of rock music. Also, I think the tuxedos make the guys look a bit out of place.

Well, I guess this was probably the only place available for an album photo shoot. Still, I’m not sure a junk yard is an appropriate photo op destination for an album I definitely know doesn’t consist of rock music. Also, I think the tuxedos make the guys look a bit out of place.

For some reason, these guys don’t strike me as a garage band. Must be the tuxedos.

44. And God Gave Me a Fix: The John 3:16 Cook Story

Now I know this is a Christian album, pertaining to how Jesus saved a guy from a heroin addiction. But still what's with the big hand inserting a crucifix into a guy with a hypodermic needle. Seriously, if this is about a guy finding God and overcoming a heroin addiction, I'm not sure if you want to use motifs pertaining to drug use.

Now I know this is a Christian album, pertaining to how Jesus saved a guy from a heroin addiction. But still what’s with the big hand inserting a crucifix into a guy with a hypodermic needle. Seriously, if this is about a guy finding God and overcoming a heroin addiction, I’m not sure if you want to use motifs pertaining to drug use. Talk about being high on Christ. Good God.

Love the tagline “From Junk to Jesus.”

45. Oral Roberts We Are Partners

Hate to offend anyone, but Oral Roberts in this reminds me of the kind of businessman who'd swindle his company of millions before heading to the Mexican border while he sets up his partner as the fall guy. That, or some Wall Street banker who was born with the character flaw of having no conscience that he robs millions through his own Ponzi scheme. Definitely not someone I'd want to shake hands with.

Hate to offend anyone, but Oral Roberts in this reminds me of the kind of businessman who’d swindle his company of millions before heading to the Mexican border while he sets up his partner as the fall guy. That, or some Wall Street banker who was born with the character flaw of having no conscience that he robs millions through his own Ponzi scheme. Definitely not someone I’d want to shake hands with.

Oral Roberts wants you to embrace the true spirit of Jesus and shake his hand.

46. Joe “Fingers” Carr Honky Tonk

Sorry, fellas, but I'm sure your typical Old West prostitute never looked as pretty or clean as this woman. And I'm not sure if she wore a black silky outfit with fishnet stockings either.

Sorry, fellas, but I’m sure your typical Old West prostitute never looked as pretty or clean as this woman. And I’m not sure if she wore a black silky outfit with fishnet stockings either. But yes, she might cater to the BDSM crowd. Can play either dom or sub.

Because nothing brings in the spirit of the Old West like a saloon floozie reclining on the piano.

47. Hugo and Luigi with Their Family Singers When Good Fellows Get Together

For now let's hope for the best that these guys aren't just fresh out of their AA meeting. Still, I guess this will result in at least one guy falling over or at least messing up with the lyrics. Yeah, drinking isn't always the best activity between friends.

For now let’s hope for the best that these guys aren’t just fresh out of their AA meeting. Still, I guess this will result in at least one guy falling over or at least messing up with the lyrics. Yeah, drinking isn’t always the best activity between friends.

Because when good fellows get together, they all sing and hug each other while getting drunk.

48. Don Elliot and His Orchestra Music for the Sensational Sixties

Seriously, who the hell thought this would make a great album cover? It's utterly ridiculous in my opinion, especially with the motorcycle and space bit. I'm sure what he has on that album won't remind anyone of the 1960s anytime soon.

Seriously, who the hell thought this would make a great album cover? It’s utterly ridiculous in my opinion, especially with the motorcycle and space bit. I’m sure what he has on that album won’t remind anyone of the 1960s anytime soon.

Nothing makes a great futuristic album than having a French horn player riding in a motorcycle in outer space.

49. Dr. Murray Banks How to Live with Yourself…Or…What to Do Until the Psychiatrist Comes

Seems like the waiting room at a psychiatrist's office has the potential to be a rather interesting place. Then again, maybe you should go see a therapist after being in a room full of nuts like these.

Seems like the waiting room at a psychiatrist’s office has the potential to be a rather interesting place. Then again, maybe you should go see a therapist after being in a room full of nuts like these.

Guess if you buy this guy’s album, you’re probably questioning your sanity by this point.

50. Les Feres Jacques Es Fessey

Now I'm not sure what distresses me about the French. The fact that Jerry Lewis has a considerable French fanbase or this album cover. I mean all these guys seem to want to spread their cape out and garner all the attention. Not sure why.

Now I’m not sure what distresses me about the French. The fact that Jerry Lewis has a considerable French fanbase or this album cover. I mean all these guys seem to want to spread their cape out and garner all the attention. Not sure why. Still, pretty ridiculous to say the least.

Guess everyone has to be the guy in the top hat and cape, do they?

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Since I didn’t find a lot of good Easter ads (and by that I mean ones so bad they’re unintentionally as hilarious as offensive in some cases), I decided to do another edition of general vintage ads. I mean I did one a year ago and since I haven’t had many ideas lately (or at least those I haven’t acted on). Not to mention, my last general vintage ad post got 577 views and the ones I did during the holidays had sizeable turnouts as well. Nevertheless, our vintage world of advertising can tell a lot about our culture at the time as well as why there are certain restrictions on advertising nowadays. I mean those who have seen my back to school season vintage ad post know what I’m talking about. I mean seriously, before anti-smoking awareness, tobacco advertising was everywhere. And this to the point where you had back to school cigarette ads. Really. Then there’s the fact that many of these old ads were drawn by artists which leads to some of them being unintentionally creepy or inappropriate. So for your reading pleasure, here is another installment of not so nostalgic vintage advertising.

1. Spread your legs for maximum leg room in a new Pontiac Star Chief.

Pontiac Star Chief: for the male high school senior intent on losing his virginity before graduating high school, this is the car that will certainly get you laid at prom. It's maximum leg room makes consummation a cinch.

Pontiac Star Chief: for the male high school senior intent on losing his virginity before graduating high school, this is the car that will certainly get you laid at prom. It’s maximum leg room makes consummation a cinch.

2. Start revolution with Interwoven Esquire Socks that will make your kids question your fashion taste in the 1970s.

Yes, all that these guys have on are their hideous socks and their sunglasses. Still, I don't know if a group of naked men would look this comfortable around each other during a photo shoot. And you can almost see some of their butts.

Yes, all that these guys have on are their hideous socks and their sunglasses. Still, I don’t know if a group of naked men would look this comfortable around each other during a photo shoot. And you can almost see some of their butts.

3. Girls who are noticed first Go Gay. As in Go Gay Hairspray.

Now this is an ad for hair spray. However, since "gay" now refers to homosexual in our modern culture, this ad unintentionally suggests that women turn lesbians when looking for Mr. Right. Yeah, it's as stupid as it sounds.

Now this is an ad for hair spray. However, since “gay” now refers to homosexual in our modern culture, this ad unintentionally suggests that women turn lesbians when looking for Mr. Right. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds.

4. Gentlemen, be strong like a man in these Hicks business slacks?

Because who needs to work out in spandex at the gym when you have khaki? Besides, I forgot my gym shorts at home so it was either these or my tidy whities.

Because who needs to work out in spandex at the gym when you have khaki? Besides, I forgot my gym shorts at home so it was either these or my tidy whiteys.

5. She was the perfect housewife but she was so busy attending to her husband’s needs that she didn’t attend to her feminine hygiene. And her husband failed to appreciate her because of this one thing.

Yes, she was everything a husband could ask her but Mr. Superficial here couldn't appreciate her because she was unable to change her period pad once in awhile during her time of the month. And her husband Mr. Superficial would trade all her assets so she could correct this.

Yes, she was everything a husband could ask her but Mr. Superficial here couldn’t appreciate her because she was unable to change her period pad once in awhile during her time of the month. And her husband Mr. Superficial would trade all her assets so she could correct this.

6. I just couldn’t accept my husband’s ring on our first anniversary because I was so ashamed of my red dishwashy hands.

Seriously, lady, either you get a dishwasher, buy rubber gloves, or stop complaining about your hands. I mean having dishwashy hands is nothing to be ashamed about at all.

Seriously, lady, either you get a dishwasher, buy rubber gloves, or stop complaining about your hands. I mean having dishwashy hands is nothing to be ashamed about at all. Besides, your husband doesn’t care how your hands look anyway.

7. “It’s no use! I won’t see him.” And then she locked herself in her room because she had a poor complexion.

Really? Bad skin? Is it just me or do women in vintage ads seem way too concerned about their looks? I mean having a poor complexion is no excuse for not seeing a guy and locking yourself in your room, which I think is crazy.

Really? Bad skin? Is it just me or do women in vintage ads seem way too concerned about their looks? I mean having a poor complexion is no excuse for not seeing a guy and locking yourself in your room, which I think is crazy.

8. As a man, I suffered from menstrual cramps, because when my wife has her period, she’s like a total bitch.

For ladies suffering from menstrual cramps, try Femicin because you know your husband doesn't want to hear you complaining about them.

For ladies suffering from menstrual cramps, try Femicin because you know your husband doesn’t want to hear you complaining about them. Doesn’t help that this guy looks like a total asshole.

9. Does my husband look younger than me? Oh, my God, will he cheat on me?

Seriously, there's nothing wrong with aging, especially if you're a woman. Yet, she seems to feel that her husband will leave her for some younger chick if he appears younger than her.

Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with aging, especially if you’re a woman. Yet, she seems to feel that her husband will leave her for some younger chick if he appears younger than her.

10. Remember, ladies, dishpan hands can kill your marriage. So use Lux.

Really? I'm sure dishpan hands aren't the reason why people's marriages end. Seriously, seems like vintage ads tend to measure a relationship's health on how well the woman abides by unrealistic beauty standards.

Really? I’m sure dishpan hands aren’t the reason why people’s marriages end. Seriously, seems like vintage ads tend to measure a relationship’s health on how well the woman abides by unrealistic beauty standards.

11. Remember, women, signs of “middle aged skin” can start at 20 and you know guys dump you over that. So use Palmolive Soap.

You know, if my boyfriend dumped me for someone else because I had "middle aged skin," I wouldn't be crying about it to my grandma. This "Tom" guy is a superficial asshole who's not worth any woman's time.

You know, if my boyfriend dumped me for someone else because I had “middle aged skin,” I wouldn’t be crying about it to my grandma. This “Tom” guy is a superficial asshole who’s not worth any woman’s time.

12. Lady, with body hair? Now why doesn’t she shave?

Admit it, we all have body hair. Yet, only women are encouraged to get rid of it while Burt Reynolds shows his naked hairy chest in Cosmo. Seriously, the double standards have to go.

Admit it, we all have body hair. Yet, only women are encouraged to get rid of it while Burt Reynolds shows his naked hairy chest in Cosmo. Seriously, the double standards have to go.

13. Remember, your hair collects unpleasant odors.

Well, if you were in a room in which everyone is smoking cigarettes, it's no surprise why. But I don't think this ad is making the connection.

Well, if you were in a room in which everyone is smoking cigarettes, it’s no surprise why. But I don’t think this ad is making the connection.

14. “He doesn’t kiss me anymore!” Don’t worry, just switch your brand of lipstick!

I'm sure switching your lipstick to Tangee won't solve your relationship problems with your boyfriend. Seriously, I wonder what these terrible ads say about men in those days like being superficial assholes.

I’m sure switching your lipstick to Tangee won’t solve your relationship problems with your boyfriend. Seriously, I wonder what these terrible ads say about men in those days like being superficial assholes.

15. “Please, honey, don’t lock me out of your life with invisible locks!”

Of course, her marriage was falling apart due to "one intimate neglect." I suppose this has to do with "feminine hygiene" of the sanitary napkin variety.

Of course, her marriage was falling apart due to “one intimate neglect.” I suppose this has to do with “feminine hygiene” of the sanitary napkin variety.

16. Want to lose weight? Try these contraptions at a reasonable price and sweat the weight off.

Products include Frown Eradicator, Chin Reducer, Neck and Chin Reducer, Bust Reducer, and Abdominal Reducer. They also have Union Suits, jackets and support hoes. Of course, hate to see what some of these weight loss contraptions look like.

Products include Frown Eradicator, Chin Reducer, Neck and Chin Reducer, Bust Reducer, and Abdominal Reducer. They also have Union Suits, jackets and support hoes. Of course, hate to see what some of these weight loss contraptions look like.

17. Another love shipwrecked due to bad feminine hygiene. So on your next date, keep your vagina clean with Lysol.

Seriously, this is what the ad basically says because "feminine hygiene." So according to vintage ads, Lysol is great for dishes as well as the female nether regions. And in your grandparents' day, vaginal cleanliness was important.

Seriously, this is what the ad basically says because “feminine hygiene.” So according to vintage ads, Lysol is great for dishes as well as the female nether regions. And in your grandparents’ day, vaginal cleanliness was important.

18. Remember, ladies, for your vaginal and reproductive needs, use Lysol. And your husband won’t avoid your embraces.

Still, you have to applaud Lysol for managing to promote their dish washing fluid as a douche solution and contraceptive (note the mention of organic matter). And this one really is pushing the envelope here.

Still, you have to applaud Lysol for managing to promote their dish washing fluid as a douche solution and contraceptive (note the mention of organic matter). And this one really is pushing the envelope here.

19. While some airlines feature their pretty stewardesses in their ads, Eastern Airlines uses their ad space to shame those who didn’t quite make it to their impossibly high standards.

At Eastern Airlines, we want everyone to fly. But if any young woman wants to be a stewardess on our airline, then she has to be superwoman or else, we won't take her.

At Eastern Airlines, we want everyone to fly. But if any young woman wants to be a stewardess on our airline, then she has to be superwoman or else, we won’t take her.

20. Remember, ladies, gray hair can cost you your job so restore your hair color with Sage and Sulphur.

Man, this woman must work in a very superficial workplace for very superficial male bosses that treat her like eye candy. Yeah, I'm sure sulfur and sage will help restore your hair color. Yeah right.

Man, this woman must work in a very superficial workplace for very superficial male bosses that treat her like eye candy. Yeah, I’m sure sulfur and sage will help restore your hair color. Yeah right.

21. Flat chested and dateless? Get the Miracle Cream treatment, ladies to enhance your bust 1 to 3 inches.

Think of this ad as the female equivalent to any of the ads that pertain to natural male enhancement. Of course, this was probably from the 1930s when the flat chested flapper look was on its way out.

Think of this ad as the female equivalent to any of the ads that pertain to natural male enhancement. Of course, this was probably from the 1930s when the flat chested flapper look was on its way out.

22. Don’t look now, but I think the man suspects his wife may have gap osis.

And by "gaps" they mean skirt buttons here. Seriously, I'm not making this up. Seriously, I'm sure if your relationship suffers due to "gap osis" it's not you ladies, it's him.

And by “gaps” they mean skirt buttons here. Seriously, I’m not making this up. Seriously, I’m sure if your relationship suffers due to “gap osis” it’s not you ladies, it’s him.

23. Have teeth? Then preserve them with by using the ideal felt tooth polisher.

I don't know about you but I think I'm a little creeped out by the man in the moon. Seriously, he reminds me of a serial killer in this.

I don’t know about you but I think I’m a little creeped out by the man in the moon. Seriously, he reminds me of a serial killer in this.

24. Use Mustang lineament and you will be all right in a day or two and so will your horse.

I'm not sure if the woman will be all right after a day or two. For that matter, the creepy clown could've had her bound and gagged in his circus trailer.

I’m not sure if the woman will be all right after a day or two. For that matter, the creepy clown could’ve had her bound and gagged in his circus trailer.

25. Hey, kids, did you know that monkeys and raccoons make wonderful pets?

Okay, now there's a reason why we don't have pet monkeys and raccoons. For one, many monkeys are endangered and having exotic pets aren't encouraged. Also, monkeys don't like lollipops. Second, raccoons make terrible pets and many carry rabies.

Okay, now there’s a reason why we don’t have pet monkeys and raccoons. For one, many monkeys are endangered and having exotic pets aren’t encouraged. Also, monkeys don’t like lollipops. Second, raccoons make terrible pets and many carry rabies.

26. Solve your respiratory ailment with Ayer’s Chery Pectoral.

Now these children aren't cute at all. In fact, they seem like they'll haunt your nightmares if you ever give them the time of day.

Now these children aren’t cute at all. In fact, they seem like they’ll haunt your nightmares if you ever give them the time of day. Also, contains opium.

27. This child’s life may depend on the safety of Distaval.

Distaval is Thalidomide which isn't a safe drug at all. Seriously, as a drug to treat morning sickness, it was withdrawn from general use because it was found to cause severe birth defects when taken during pregnancy. And this ad is telling parents that it's safe for kids? Seriously, what the fuck?

Distaval is Thalidomide which isn’t a safe drug at all. Seriously, as a drug to treat morning sickness, it was withdrawn from general use because it was found to cause severe birth defects when taken during pregnancy. And this ad is telling parents that it’s safe for kids? Seriously, what the fuck?

28. Own a TV because it benefits your children by keeping them in line.

Then again, this ad comes from the 1950s when TV was a new thing an there were only a few channels anyway. Still, you wouldn't be saying that nowadays.

Then again, this ad comes from the 1950s when TV was a new thing an there were only a few channels anyway. Still, you wouldn’t be saying that nowadays.

29. Remember, parents, it’s never too early to get you baby started on 7UP.

Yes, set your little one up with those empty calories that will lead to tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, bone loss, anxiety, sleep deprivation, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, this picture is a perfect example of bad parenting. I mean babies should never have soft drinks, period.

Yes, set your little one up with those empty calories that will lead to tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, bone loss, anxiety, sleep deprivation, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, this picture is a perfect example of bad parenting. I mean babies should never have soft drinks, period.

30. Go to Sears for we have fashionable clothing for chubby children.

For one, how is this girl even chubby? To me, she just looks like a perfectly healthy kid who's at a normal weight So why the hell is Sears saying she's fat?

For one, how is this girl even chubby? To me, she just looks like a perfectly healthy kid who’s at a normal weight So why the hell is Sears saying she’s fat?

31. In life’s battles, nothing heals wounds like Pond’s Extract.

Sure Pond's Extract might be handy for cuts, bruises, wounds, and lacerations. However, when it comes to actual life threatening battle wounds, then you're probably shit out of luck.

Sure Pond’s Extract might be handy for cuts, bruises, wounds, and lacerations. However, when it comes to actual life threatening battle wounds, then you’re probably shit out of luck.

32. For all the lonely guys out there, snuggle up with your very own inflatable Love Maid.

Man, these inflatable sex dolls sure seemed to have quite realistic features in the 1970s. Still, it seems like she's carrying two glasses of poison on the tray for she's kind of nightmare inducing.

Man, these inflatable sex dolls sure seemed to have quite realistic features in the 1970s. Still, it seems like she’s carrying two glasses of poison on the tray for she’s kind of nightmare inducing.

33. Of course, using cuteness in ads will always equal big bucks.

Seriously, now having babies in 7UP ads is one thing. But cigarette ads? Now that's just fucked up, especially since many babies probably developed asthma due to secondhand smoke.

Seriously, now having babies in 7UP ads is one thing. But cigarette ads? Now that’s just fucked up, especially since many babies probably developed asthma due to secondhand smoke.

34. Is “Smoker’s Fag” beginning to get you? Now 90% correctable according to science.

Yeah, it is correctable. Just quit smoking for God's sake. Still, I think putting a now inflaming gay slur in this ad is quite funny.

Yeah, it is correctable. Just quit smoking for God’s sake! Still, I think putting a now inflaming gay slur in this ad is quite funny.

35. Coffee addiction hurts families everywhere unless it’s Sanka decaf.

Here's a scene in which a man's caffeine habit results in him abusing his kid and enduring sleepless nights. With Sanka his kid no longer fears him and he's a happy man again. Seriously, this is so twisted.

Here’s a scene in which a man’s caffeine habit results in him abusing his kid and enduring sleepless nights. With Sanka his kid no longer fears him and he’s a happy man again. Seriously, this is so twisted.

36. Support the troops, smoke Chesterfields with them.

Note that the nurse in the ad is actress Claudette Colbert. Still, the fact she's in a nurse's outfit freely passing out cigarettes is still kind of disconcerting since it kills about a third of its users per year.

Note that the nurse in the ad is actress Claudette Colbert. Still, the fact she’s in a nurse’s outfit freely passing out cigarettes is still kind of disconcerting since it kills about a third of its users per year.

37. Tonight’s the night. So get it on with Duraflame.

From looking at this ad, you'd think Duraflame was a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction since it also lasts for 3 hours. It's actually a company that sells logs for fireplaces. Still, since we have Viagra, this ad is unintentionally hilarious since Duraflame logs are also good for 3 hours.

From looking at this ad, you’d think Duraflame was a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction since it also lasts for 3 hours. It’s actually a company that sells logs for fireplaces. Still, since we have Viagra, this ad is unintentionally hilarious since Duraflame logs are also good for 3 hours.

38. Players Tobacco is Daddy’s favorite because it’s the tobacco that counts.

This little child has toys around him but he's only playing with his daddy's cigar. This is pretty disturbing for obvious reasons. Guess he wants to die with his lungs all filled with tar like his daddy.

This little child has toys around him but he’s only playing with his daddy’s cigar. This is pretty disturbing for obvious reasons. Guess he wants to die with his lungs all filled with tar like his daddy.

39. Just a minute, lady, don’t kill yourself over a bad hair day. Try Formula 9 Shampoo.

Hey, lady, I may have a bad hair day now and then. But even then, I never had any suicidal tendencies over it. And my hair's even more unkempt than that. But still, this is the most disturbing shampoo ad I've ever seen in my life.

Hey, lady, I may have a bad hair day now and then. But even then, I never had any suicidal tendencies over it. And my hair’s even more unkempt than that. But still, this is the most disturbing shampoo ad I’ve ever seen in my life.

40. Breathing problems? Well, why don’t you try Dr. Batty’s Asthma cigarettes?

I'm sure that this was an effective treatment for asthma just like inhaling smog and a bunch of harmful chemicals. Also, "not recommended for children under 6." I wonder why.

I’m sure that this was an effective treatment for asthma just like inhaling smog and a bunch of harmful chemicals. Also, “not recommended for children under 6.” I wonder why.

41. “Coffee is like a friend, Tiny. When you get a good one, stick to it.”

For one, the elderly captain seems to be on the cusp of dementia. Second, "Tiny" is basically a name you'd hear being called in prison. Third, seems that these guys are discussing coffee with the same seriousness as brain cancer. The captain must be losing it and the other guy feels like he needs to research maritime law and riverboat murder.

For one, the elderly captain seems to be on the cusp of dementia. Second, “Tiny” is basically a name you’d hear being called in prison. Third, seems that these guys are discussing coffee with the same seriousness as brain cancer. The captain must be losing it and the other guy feels like he needs to research maritime law and riverboat murder.

42. Choose Kellogg’s Cornflake for the horrifying nutritious breakfast.

Holy shit, seems that Kellogg's found the kid version of Steve Buscemi, starved him to the brink of death, put a suit on his skeletal frame, gave him food for the first time in 2 weeks, and made a creepy ad out of it.

Holy shit, seems that Kellogg’s found the kid version of Steve Buscemi, starved him to the brink of death, put a suit on his skeletal frame, gave him food for the first time in 2 weeks, and made a creepy ad out of it.

43. Have a loved one suffering from alcoholism. Then tell them to drink Bogg’s Tawny Port.

Even funnier is that this is a syrup that contains cocaine. Yeah, I'm sure a coke habit will cure anyone of alcoholism. Not.

Even funnier is that this is a syrup that contains cocaine. Yeah, I’m sure a coke habit will cure anyone of alcoholism. Not.

44. “When he comes home from school hungry, there’s only one way to satisfy him. And me.”

I don't know about you, but I find this Snickers ad very disturbing. I mean it seems that this mother and son relationship seems more akin to what I've seen on The Manchurian Candidate but I'm not so sure about the brainwashing. I mean look at the mom's face. She just seems so creepy.

I don’t know about you, but I find this Snickers ad very disturbing. I mean it seems that this mother and son relationship seems more akin to what I’ve seen on The Manchurian Candidate but I’m not so sure about the brainwashing. I mean look at the mom’s face. She just seems so creepy.

45. “Heavens! Buddy must have a girl…..chained to the radiator, more like it.”

Yeah, I think this little psychopath may have been the possible inspiration for Warren Zevon's "Excitable Boy.": "And he took little Suzie to the Junior Prom/Excitable boy, they all said/And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home."

Yeah, I think this little psychopath may have been the possible inspiration for Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Boy.”: “And he took little Suzie to the Junior Prom/Excitable boy, they all said/And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home.”

46. New moms, smoke Philip Morris because they can really use a break.

Let's just say smoking in front of a newborn really is one of the stupidest things you can do as a parent, other than smoking while pregnant. Yeah, baby's lungs will be full of tar before he or she knows it.

Let’s just say smoking in front of a newborn really is one of the stupidest things you can do as a parent, other than smoking while pregnant. Yeah, baby’s lungs will be full of tar before he or she knows it.

47. Log Cabin: the kind of maple syrup that will turn your kids into Children of the Corn.

Seeing these kids dead soulless eyes makes you wonder if Log Cabin Maple Syrup is just the carmelized blood of their enemies.

Seeing these kids dead soulless eyes makes you wonder if Log Cabin Maple Syrup is just the carmelized blood of their enemies.

48. Have a real roller coaster in your own backyard for $12.95.

Don't look now but I'm not sure the girl is just waiting her turn for the coaster. She seems more intent to push her brother off it, to put it lightly.

Don’t look now but I’m not sure the girl is just waiting her turn for the coaster. She seems more intent to push her brother off it, to put it lightly.

49. “A child isn’t always fibbing when he doesn’t tell the truth,” said Elsie the Borden Cow.

Seems like Elsie and her unnaturally bovine family seem to live under the constant cloud of Elmer the Bull's unquenchable anger. Seems like the cops will be here with a social worker in 10 minutes time.

Seems like Elsie and her unnaturally bovine family seem to live under the constant cloud of Elmer the Bull’s unquenchable anger. Seems like the cops will be here with a social worker in 10 minutes time.

50. Jayson Sportswear is the ultimate shirt for every occasion.

I'm sure Jerry and Larry shared a lot of intimate moments in the men's locker room as well as a passionate love that dare not speak its name.

I’m sure Jerry and Larry shared a lot of intimate moments in the men’s locker room as well as a passionate love that dare not speak its name.

51. While General Mills had the Jolly Green Giant for their frozen vegetables, Stokely’s had this kid.

Yeah, this boy's green beans are basically a side for the real main course, the Donner Party special. Seriously, this boy makes me not want to eat my vegetables ever again.

Yeah, this boy’s green beans are basically a side for the real main course, the Donner Party special. Seriously, this boy makes me not want to eat my vegetables ever again.

52. Americtex fabric is great for pajamas.

I'm sure Gary and Danny are spending a nice quiet morning at home as all so-called "roommates" do now and then.

I’m sure Gary and Danny are spending a nice quiet morning at home as all so-called “roommates” do now and then.

53. “Let the tide take her. I won’t.” Because she has a case of halitosis.

Now dumping a girl over bad breath? Really, that's something you'd see off Seinfeld. I mean how shallow can these guys get in these ads? Sure it's for Listerine but still.

Now dumping a girl over bad breath? Really, that’s something you’d see off Seinfeld. I mean how shallow can these guys get in these ads? Sure it’s for Listerine but still.

54. Universal Pajamas….styled for sleep.

And it seems that these two men are looking at some sort of brochure. Planning a vacation together I suppose? Hope people don't get the wrong idea.

And it seems that these two men are looking at some sort of brochure. Planning a vacation together I suppose? Hope people don’t get the wrong idea.

55. On business trips these days, you got to make every minute count. So that’s why O. J. Simpson chooses Hertz.

Let's hope Hertz didn't rent him that Bronco he used to try to escape the cops after killing his wife and her boyfriend. Yes, you can see why I couldn't pass this one up.

Let’s hope Hertz didn’t rent him that Bronco he used to try to escape the cops after killing his wife and her boyfriend. Yes, you can see why I couldn’t pass this one up.

56. Roy Rogers heads west on the Pennsylvania Railroad.

I don't know about you but I don't think the guy behind this ad had his head screwed on that tight when he came up with the idea of having Roy Rogers with a train between his legs. Yeah, kind of stirs many phallic notions, doesn't it?

I don’t know about you but I don’t think the guy behind this ad had his head screwed on that tight when he came up with the idea of having Roy Rogers with a train between his legs. Yeah, kind of stirs many phallic notions, doesn’t it?

57. Men, aim for sleep and comfort with these one of a kind nightshirts.

I'm sure trying to revive nightshirts in the 1970s really didn't go so well for whoever advertised this. Seriously, these guys look stupid in them, especially in a diamond pattern.

I’m sure trying to revive nightshirts in the 1970s really didn’t go so well for whoever advertised this. Seriously, these guys look stupid in them, especially in a diamond pattern. They more or less resemble hospital gowns if you ask me.

58. Ivory Soap: the kind you wash yourself with during a communal bath.

Yes, I'm sure there's nothing overtly homoerotic about this scene of naked guys congregating together to wash up. Nothing gay at all (sarcasm).

Yes, I’m sure there’s nothing overtly homoerotic about this scene of naked guys congregating together to wash up. Nothing gay at all (sarcasm).

59. Not sure if this kid is eating Franco American pasta or blood soaked entrails.

From the creepy look on this ginger freckled boy's face, it could be just about anything. Also, why does he have hotdogs beside him? Seriously, why?

From the creepy look on this ginger freckled boy’s face, it could be just about anything. Also, why does he have hotdogs beside him? Seriously, why?

60. So whatever happens in the Pacific stays in the Pacific.

Seems like the Pacific Island natives aren't pleased with the American GIs frolicking with tropical brain fever. Still, there's a lot of homoerotic subtext I can't even list here.

Seems like the Pacific Island natives aren’t pleased with the American GIs frolicking with tropical brain fever. Still, there’s a lot of homoerotic subtext I can’t even list here.

61. Ivory Soap: The kind men use during a group shower in the men’s locker room.

Okay, is that somebody's butt in the background? And is that guy just staring at his naked ass? Seriously, seems like men's showers are an awkward experience, especially in vintage ads.

Okay, is that somebody’s butt in the background? And is that guy just staring at his naked ass? Seriously, seems like men’s showers are an awkward experience, especially in vintage ads.

62. Baby’s first milestone of eating Campbell’s Soup for the first time. Mmmmmm….salt.

Of course, this might be a baby picture of a potential demon child or serial killer in the making. Seriously, it could almost be Hannibal Lecter in his infancy.

Of course, this might be a baby picture of a potential demon child or serial killer in the making. Seriously, it could almost be Hannibal Lecter in his infancy.

63. When a woman’s five, she needs love.

However, I think this girl needs something more imminent like a soul. From the look in her eyes, she's basically dead inside.

However, I think this girl needs something more imminent like a soul. From the look in her eyes, she’s basically dead inside.

64. Be really refreshed….graduate to Coke or so says the Wolf of Wall Street.

Still, this girl carrying this boy's books and Coke six pack should soon realize that he's put her in the friendzone because he needs her to do his homework for him as he goes after some prettier chick.

Still, this boy carrying this boy’s books and Coke six pack should probably stop doing the letterman a-hole’s homework and have some fun for a change.

65. Develop a child’s mind, play video games.

Yeah, now we're bombarded with how video games rot a child's brain with all the sex and violence in Grand Theft Auto which is rated M for Mature.

Yeah, now we’re bombarded with how video games rot a child’s brain with all the sex and violence in Grand Theft Auto which is rated M for Mature.

66. Bald guys, this kind of hat can help regrow your hair in just 30 days.

However, it comes with major side effects such as looking like a complete idiot in public. Seriously, guys, someone's going to think you're part of some cult with that thing on.

However, it comes with major side effects such as looking like a complete idiot in public. Seriously, guys, someone’s going to think you’re part of some cult with that thing on.

67. Moms depend on pork like kids depend on moms. Hmmm…interesting.

I'm sure they're talking about sausage variety here. I mean the kind of meat you make with a pig's muscle and entrails. Yeah, I'm sure the other kind is what dads are for.

I’m sure they’re talking about sausage variety here. I mean the kind of meat you make with a pig’s muscle and entrails. Yeah, I’m sure the other kind is what dads are for.

68. The best things in life come from cellophane.

Maybe, but I'm sure that wrapping your baby in one isn't great parenting advice. I mean it's bound to suffocate them which makes the ad ever more disturbing.

Maybe, but I’m sure that wrapping your baby in one isn’t great parenting advice. I mean it’s bound to suffocate them which makes the ad ever more disturbing.

69. No kid loves anything more than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I don't know about this girl. She seems less excited for a PB&J and more consumed with bloodlust and murder. Stay away from her at your own risk.

I don’t know about this girl. She seems less excited for a PB&J and more consumed with bloodlust and murder. Stay away from her at your own risk.

70. Make every morning a Smirnoff morning.

I don't know about you, but I don't think having a cigarette and vodka for breakfast is a good sign. Rather I think if you can't go without a drink before 5 pm, you probably have a drinking problem.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think having a cigarette and vodka for breakfast is a good sign. Rather I think if you can’t go without a drink before 5 pm, you probably have a drinking problem.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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While not a big card exchange holiday like Christmas and Valentine’s Day as well as perhaps Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, there are some people who take part of this tradition which was started in the 19th century. Many of these cards contain a variety of Easter motifs like bunnies, chicks, eggs, crosses, and what not. Of course, as with anything from more than a generation ago, Easter cards also may have a tendency to receive their share of nostalgia since many of them have artistic illustrations attached to them. Now I can go on all about the great vintage Easter greeting cards out there. But I know that would be boring so I’ll show you some Easter cards that would make us ask what the hell our ancestors were thinking or how did they ever think it was a good idea. Some of them might seem creepy by our standards as well as unintentionally funny. So maybe a vintage Easter card of Jesus as a shepherd is probably a better card to send, even if your friends aren’t Christian, compared to this bunch. So without further ado, here are some not so cutesy Easter cards from yesterday.

1. Happy Easter from the hatching Easter baby.

And this is why we need biology class as well as sex education in schools. Seriously, mammals are placental animals that don't lay eggs.

And this is why we need biology class as well as sex education in schools. Seriously, mammals are placental animals that don’t lay eggs.

2. Loving Easter Greetings, now watch what those chicks can do with that rabbit.

Man, it must suck being a rabbit in a chick circus. Seriously, nobody wants to get pussy willow whipped under the big top.

Man, it must suck being a rabbit in a chick circus. Seriously, nobody wants to get pussy willow whipped under the big top.

3. Easter greetings from an unhinged rabbit performance of Wuthering Heights performed from within giant egg.

Honestly, I really don't want to know what's going on there. And for those who know the story of Wuthering Heights, remember Cathy and Heathcliff's screaming dysfunctional relationship doesn't end well.

Honestly, I really don’t want to know what’s going on there. And for those who know the story of Wuthering Heights, remember Cathy and Heathcliff’s screaming dysfunctional relationship doesn’t end well.

4. Happy Easter from some creepy woman in egg holding an egg.

I wonder what kind of drugs these French photographers and card designers were on to produce such crazy cards like these. Maybe absinthe isn't as safe as it's said to be.

I wonder what kind of drugs these French photographers and card designers were on to produce such crazy cards like these. Maybe absinthe isn’t as safe as it’s said to be.

5. Happy Easter from the two cats who decided to paint a hatching egg.

"Sure the egg might've hatched while we were painting it, Joey. But look on the bright side, at least we're having baby rotisserie chicken tonight."

“Sure the egg might’ve hatched while we were painting it, Joey. But look on the bright side, at least we’re having baby rotisserie chicken tonight.”

6. Happy Easter from a German soldier, an Austro-Hungarian infantryman, and the Easter Bunny?

Man, seeing the Easter Bunny hanging out the the Central Powers. Let's hope Santa Claus is on the Allies' side or else a bunch a soldiers are sure going to be disappointed.

Man, seeing the Easter Bunny hanging out the the Central Powers. Let’s hope Santa Claus is on the Allies’ side or else a bunch a soldiers are sure going to be disappointed.

7. Easter greetings from the colorful, egg shell wearing, dancing bunny cult.

Who knew that old fashioned card artists could make bunnies and eggs so terrifying. Could possibly serve as an inspiration for a Donnie Darko poster.

Who knew that old fashioned card artists could make bunnies and eggs so terrifying. Could possibly serve as an inspiration for a Donnie Darko poster.

8. “Okay, Henny Penny, I spared your last chick now repay me by laying your next egg in the frying pan. Breakfast doesn’t cook itself, you know.”

In the world of vintage cards, this is "breakfast." In the world of poultry, this is Sophie's Choice.

In the world of vintage cards, this is “breakfast.” In the world of poultry, this is Sophie’s Choice.

9. Happy Easter this spring from the Easter Puck.

While the Prince of Darkness may inhabit the fiery regions of Hell, he sure does enjoy frolicking among the white daffodils during the spring.

While the Prince of Darkness may inhabit the fiery regions of Hell, he sure does enjoy frolicking among the white daffodils during the spring. Still, don’t want to see this during the Easter egg hunt.

10. Nothing says Easter like a visit from the ghost dad who went to fight on the Western Front.

Hmm...German soldier dad with Kaiser helmet watching over Easter Bunny with his children. Creepy.

Hmm…German soldier dad with Kaiser helmet watching over Easter Bunny with his children. Creepy.

11. Happy Easter from the egg carrying, umbrella wielding chicken lady.

Okay, that's going to give your kid nightmares. Of course, she's about to whack that bunny with her umbrella over the abduction of one of her unborn children.

Okay, that’s going to give your kid nightmares. Of course, she’s about to whack that bunny with her umbrella over the abduction of one of her unborn children.

12. Happy Easter from the chick preying bunny from Hell!

I hate to think what this evil eyed Easter bunny wants to do with this chick. Seems like he's saying, "I have plans for you, goldilocks."

I hate to think what this evil eyed Easter bunny wants to do with this chick. Seems like he’s saying, “I have plans for you, Goldilocks.”

13. An Easter greeting from the bunny regiment and their enslaved chicken.

Yes, I'm sure those eggs are from those the enslaved chicken laid which they're now using as artillery shells. Also, did I tell you that the chicken sort of resembles a rooster?

Yes, I’m sure those eggs are from those the enslaved chicken laid which they’re now using as artillery shells. Also, did I tell you that the chicken sort of resembles a rooster?

14. Easter greetings from the egg that inspired Hannibal Lecter.

How could any card company ever think this illustration is a good idea? I mean it has a picture of an anthropomorphic egg having it's guts eaten out of him.

How could any card company ever think this illustration is a good idea? I mean it has a picture of an anthropomorphic egg having it’s guts eaten out of him.

15. Happy Easter from creepy rabbit girl.

Okay, compared to the Donnie Darko rabbit and this girl in a rabbit costume, the creepy rabbit girl wins every time when it comes to inducing nightmares.

Okay, compared to the Donnie Darko rabbit and this girl in a rabbit costume, the creepy rabbit girl wins every time when it comes to inducing nightmares.

16. “All right, who’s been cracking the eggs in this basket?”

Okay, this card carries some unfortunate implications we need not discuss right now. Of course, those 2 eggs breaking might've been an accident but it's not stopping the chick soldiers from chirping like mad.

Okay, this card carries some unfortunate implications we need not discuss right now. Of course, those 2 eggs breaking might’ve been an accident but it’s not stopping the chick soldiers from chirping like mad.

17. “So remember kids, babies come from giant chicken eggs, okay?”

Do I need to remind anyone why sex ed is required in high schools across America? Seriously, this is fucked up. I mean what the hell was this designer on when he thought up this?

Do I need to remind anyone why sex ed is required in high schools across America? Seriously, this is fucked up. I mean what the hell was this designer on when he thought up this?

18. “By the way, Jimmy, this is a hard egg to crack so we must use hammers.”

Still, I wonder where these girls got their chicken costumes from. Oh, I think I can guess. Oh, my God, that's disturbing! And there the yellow chick sits helplessly by to watch.

Still, I wonder where these girls got their chicken costumes from. Oh, I think I can guess. Oh, my God, that’s disturbing! And there the yellow chick sits helplessly by to watch.

19. “Get off my lawn, you floppy eared, patted food, egg stealing punk, Peter Cottontail!”

Also serves as a great PSA on why we need stricter gun laws. Yep, nothing says Easter like a chick using his God given Second Amendment Right of standing his ground.

Also serves as a great PSA on why we need stricter gun laws. Yep, nothing says Easter like a chick using his God given Second Amendment Right of standing his ground.

20. Apparently, Easter isn’t always welcome in places like the swamp since the frogs and the bees are total bullies.

By the way, are the frogs flinging mud or poo? I can't really be sure. Besides, bees aren't that big unless they've been exposed to radiation, perhaps, but I don't want to think about it.

By the way, are the frogs flinging mud or poo? I can’t really be sure. Besides, bees aren’t that big unless they’ve been exposed to radiation, perhaps, but I don’t want to think about it.

21. “Happy Easter, and remove the ladder please.”

Unfortunately, Billy would drown in an array of egg white and yoke as well as willful negligence from his friends.

Unfortunately, Billy would drown in an array of egg white and yoke as well as willful negligence from his friends.

22. Happy Easter with love from the office chick couple.

Seems like someone in the back isn't happy for these 2 lovebirds and seems like it's contemplating revenge of some sort.

Seems like someone in the back isn’t happy for these 2 lovebirds and seems like it’s contemplating revenge of some sort.

23. Now these two chicks seem to have a nice Easter morning walk.

Okay, now the guy chick is smoking in a suit. The female chick has a bit of her shell attached to her ass. So does that mean she's not long hatched and that there's a bit of sugar daddery going on?

Okay, now the guy chick is smoking in a suit. The female chick has a bit of her shell attached to her ass. So does that mean she’s not long hatched and that there’s a bit of sugar daddery going on?

24. “Here, boy, here’s a lovely Easter egg to give to your mother.”

Remember, kids, don't ever accept Easter eggs from strange rabbits. Seriously, you have no idea what their agenda is. Besides, the kid is creepy.

Remember, kids, don’t ever accept Easter eggs from strange rabbits. Seriously, you have no idea what their agenda is. Besides, the kid is creepy.

25. Good wishes, this Easter, unless you’re the chick in the stew pot.

Now this is quite disturbing. Aren't the other two chicks going to help their friend? Or is the one chick like, "Sorry, but there's a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC."

Now this is quite disturbing. Aren’t the other two chicks going to help their friend? Or is the one chick like, “Sorry, but there’s a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC.”

26. Happy Easter by the creepy gnome painting Easter eggs.

Don't like the look on that guy's face. Also, I have a bad feeling about the chicks surrounding him who seem fatally attracted to the color red for some reason.

Don’t like the look on that guy’s face. Also, I have a bad feeling about the chicks surrounding him who seem fatally attracted to the color red for some reason.

27. “Happy Easter and you can have my Easter eggs if you can pry them from my cold dead hands.”

Would great movie poster. I can see it now. Easter Bunny's Revenge: It's rabbit season, folks, but this time it's man whose the hunted.

Would great movie poster. I can see it now. Easter Bunny’s Revenge: It’s rabbit season, folks, but this time it’s man whose the hunted.

28. Happy Easter and all hail the giant newly hatched chick.

Now I'm not sure why these people have to dance around the chick. Must be some sort of cult ritual before they sacrifice it by setting the nest on fire.

Now I’m not sure why these people have to dance around the chick. Must be some sort of cult ritual before they sacrifice it by setting the nest on fire.

29. Easter greetings from the gnome flower house.

"Come in and make yourself at home. Of course, I'm not going steal your eggs or make you into rabbit stew." I have a bad feeling about this since the gnome is just terrifying.

“Come in and make yourself at home. Of course, I’m not going steal your eggs or make you into rabbit stew.” I have a bad feeling about this since the gnome is just terrifying.

30. In the latest of baby chicken transportation, I know give you the rabbit and egg shell carrier.

The rabbit seems dead inside. Also, I'm sure egg shells are very fragile and don't make good containers. Just saying.

The rabbit seems dead inside. Also, I’m sure egg shells are very fragile and don’t make good containers. Just saying.

31. These rabbits wish you a happy Easter greeting.

And by "greeting," the mean, "we will kill you. Possibly stuff and mount you while we're at it."

And by “greeting,” the mean, “we will kill you. Possibly stuff and mount you while we’re at it.”

32. Happy Easter from the red eyed killer bunnies of infernal doom.

"We're here to eat your cute little chicks or possibly stun you with our laser eyes." Either way, these cute little chicks are going to be nuggets once these bunnies are done with them.

“We’re here to eat your cute little chicks or possibly stun you with our laser eyes.” Either way, these cute little chicks are going to be nuggets once these bunnies are done with them.

33. With best Easter wishes, let’s destroy these multicolored eggs from the nest by dumping them on these birds. It will be fun.

Obviously, whoever illustrated this cared either hated birds or didn't think this one through. Bunch of brats.

Obviously, whoever illustrated this cared either hated birds or didn’t think this one through. Bunch of brats.

34. Celebrate Easter like these two chickies would, getting drunk.

The one with the bottle is destined to become the famed rooster His Royal Majesty Rex Goliath who would reach a whopping 47 pounds as "the World's Largest Rooster" and have a wine company named after him in California.

The one with the bottle is destined to become the famed rooster His Royal Majesty Rex Goliath who would reach a whopping 47 pounds as “the World’s Largest Rooster” and have a wine company named after him in California.

35. “You know these hens don’t just produce great artillery shells. They also are great for transporting cannons.”

Seriously, what's with all this Easter motifs with battle implements? It's like having a card with a picture of a commando Easter Bunny in camo carrying an AK-47! I mean, why?

Seriously, what’s with all this Easter motifs with battle implements? It’s like having a card with a picture of a commando Easter Bunny in camo carrying an AK-47! I mean, why?

36. On Easter, it’s not uncommon to see upright rabbits playing tennis with colored Easter eggs.

"It's a good thing these eggs are hard boiled and covered in latex. Else, we'd have a slimy situation on our hands."

“It’s a good thing these eggs are hard boiled and covered in latex. Else, we’d have a slimy situation on our hands.”

37. Nothing says Easter like a boy putting the moves on a girl in a giant eggshell boat rowed by a rabbit.

I bet this rabbit is like, "Get a room, you two." Still, how old are these kids supposed to be? I mean this is kind of disturbing.

I bet this rabbit is like, “Get a room, you two.” Still, how old are these kids supposed to be? I mean this is kind of disturbing if you ask me.

38. Happy Easter from the whole family.

Okay, now let me get this straight. This family consists of a rabbit dad and chick mom with two rabbit boys and a baby chick. So how does that happen?

Okay, now let me get this straight. This family consists of a rabbit dad and chick mom with two rabbit boys and a baby chick. So how does that happen? I have nothing against depicting inter-species relationships in greeting cards but this is ridiculous.

39. Remember parents, don’t leave your baby unattended with an egg basket. Because small children can easily fall prey to monstrous chicks.

I don't like the look of the three chicks congregating like they're straight out of Goodfellas. Luckily, baby has a pussy willow in hand for self-defense.

I don’t like the look of the three chicks congregating like they’re straight out of Goodfellas. Luckily, baby has a pussy willow in hand for self-defense.

40. Didn’t know that the Easter Bunny traveled on a plane made from pink spring flowers.

I wonder what kind of drugs this illustrator was tripping on to come up with this? Seriously, why does this even exist?

I wonder what kind of drugs this illustrator was tripping on to come up with this? Seriously, why does this even exist?

41. Happy Easter from the naked lady hatching from the giant egg.

Since how does this capture the message of Easter? Seriously, you wonder that such cards of strange women hatching from eggs exist mainly as fanservice. You know, the kind of cards young men would send to their fellow frat brothers.

Since how does this capture the message of Easter? Seriously, you wonder that such cards of strange women hatching from eggs exist mainly as fanservice. You know, the kind of cards young men would send to their fellow frat brothers.

42. Happy Easter from the Easter egg girl.

Seriously, I'm at a loss for words with this one. Also, I don't think that little girl's dress is appropriate attire either. I mean, why?

Seriously, I’m at a loss for words with this one. Also, I don’t think that little girl’s dress is appropriate attire either. I mean, why?

43. Easter greetings from the chickies and the boy who’s about to kill their newly hatched friend with a paddle.

I don't know about you but I think the chicks need to clear out right now because there's a paddle wielding boy with murder on the mind.

I don’t know about you but I think the chicks need to clear out right now because there’s a paddle wielding boy with murder on the mind.

44. Nothing says Easter like a newly hatched babe in the river.

Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don't emerge from eggs! Seriously, why?

Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don’t emerge from eggs! Else, Sports Illustrated and Playboy would’ve started their own egg hatching programs. Seriously, why?

45. Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on its-Holy shit, is that blood in that bucket?

Seems like Peter Cottontail murdered his boss and is now gleefully painting the town with his blood, literally. What a sadistic, homicidal rabbit.

Seems like Peter Cottontail murdered his boss and is now gleefully painting the town with his blood, literally. What a sadistic, homicidal rabbit.

46. Seems like this chick has taken habit to riding and smoking.

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So I suppose this card shows how barnyard chicks really start early. Still, not sure which is freakier, the smoking or the riding habit.

47. This Easter, may you find an Easter Bunny within a colored egg.

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Sorry, kids, but I’m afraid rabbit reproduction just doesn’t work that way. Rabbits give birth to live young and don’t emerge fully formed. Yeah, way to go with telling misleading information on rabbit biology. Also, is its ear bleeding?

48. Nothing makes a more adorable Easter card than a child covering a rabbit’s eyes.

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Then again, those rabbit eyes seem to tell us that it’s pure evil and might kill us as we speak. The kid looks pretty creepy as well.

49. Nothing brings the spirit of Easter than a card depicting bunnies smoking flowers with pipes.

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Now they use egg shells for their pipe ends. Still, that must be strong stuff that their smoking. Also, you have to wonder what the designer was smoking to come up with this idea. Seriously why?

50. May your Easter greetings bring you great joy this spring.

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Unfortunately for this chick, once it gets out of its shell, it won’t have a long to live. Because these cats seem to eye it as if they’re waiting for their next meal.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Since I posted my last vintage Valentines post last year in January, it’s become one of my most popular blog posts ever with 1,517 views and over 40 shares on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. I especially get a lot of views for this post around Valentine’s Day for obvious reasons. Well, for those who loved my last bunch of vintage Valentines, there’s a lot more where that came from. Whether they be racist, sexist, offensive, or somewhat carry unfortunate implications. Many of these vintage greeting cards may make you wonder why people would send these to each other or even their sweethearts. Sometimes they make you wish you can send them to your classmates while in elementary school. Some might have seen as a good idea at the time to the designer but seem to carry unfortunate implications by today’s standards. So without further adieu, here are some more of the wonderful vintage Valentines from yesterday.

1. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a fly telling you to stick around or catch on.

Or from the fly's perspective, "Fly on this tape you'll be stuck on forever and die."

Or from the fly’s perspective, “Fly on this tape you’ll be stuck on forever and die.” How romantic!

2. Of course, there’s nothing more romantic place on Valentine’s Day than a butcher shop.

Now I'm not sure if I'm creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I'm not sure if "I'd like to meat you, valentine," is a cute message or a way to tell them you're a cannibal.

Now I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I’m not sure if “I’d like to meat you, valentine,” is a cute message or a way to tell them you’re a cannibal.

3. Say that you’ll never be false to your valentine by sending them a card with a set of dentures.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you'll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that's disgusting.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you’ll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that’s disgusting.

4. For Valentine’s Day assure that your heart only pants for only them by sending them a valentine with bloomers.

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, "pants" means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, “pants” means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a cat telling you that she’ll be your sweetie pie if you make the dough.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

6. Of course, there’s nothing like a valentine from a sweetheart saying that he’s not being exclusive.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I'd be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I’d be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a card depicting an adorable rendering of every parents’ worst nightmare.

Seriously, this is a child for God's sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

Seriously, this is a child for God’s sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

8. Of course, you can’t say “I love you” without saying how you’d go for them in a big way.

Of course, I'm not sure if I'd want a guy saying he's in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he's seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

Of course, I’m not sure if I’d want a guy saying he’s in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he’s seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

9. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than having a boy seize a girl’s eyes and mouth from behind.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn't careful enough.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn’t careful enough.

10. Happy Valentine’s Day from Popeye the Sailor Man.

Okay, that's a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn't know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason.

Okay, that’s a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn’t know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason. Also the girl is totally not Olive Oyl by any means.

11. Nothing says you need to thaw out like a Valentine depicting a girl in the refrigerator.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would've been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would’ve been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

12. When searching for a girlfriend, it’s best that you go dressed in a matching checkered deer stalker cap and tweed with orange as well as a deer hunting rifle. Seriously, for some men, finding a girlfriend is like deer hunting.

Apparently, this card's designer hasn't read "The Most Dangerous Game." It's about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

Apparently, this card’s designer hasn’t read “The Most Dangerous Game.” It’s about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

13. Of course, what better valentine to send your sweetheart than one depicting kids on the playground.

Is it just me or does this valentine's message seem apparently dirty? I don't know but I have a feeling, "mount" doesn't really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

Is it just me or does this valentine’s message seem apparently dirty? I don’t know but I have a feeling, “mount” doesn’t really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

14. Of course, nothing can be more adorable on Valentine’s Day than a cute angel building a snowman.

What I don't get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

What I don’t get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

15. Happy Valentine’s Day by some person of indeterminate gender and his or her cat/dog hybrid pet in the dog house.

Now what I don't understand is the message, "Sweetheart dear, I'm in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-" oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn't it? It's even dirtier if you or your valentine's British since "pants" means what you wear under your trousers.

Now what I don’t understand is the message, “Sweetheart dear, I’m in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-” oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn’t it? It’s even dirtier if you or your valentine’s British since “pants” means what you wear under your trousers.

16. Happy Valentine’s Day from flapper fish but don’t ask me how she uses her fins.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can't breathe outside water and fire can't survive in water. So how's that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don't ask me.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can’t breathe outside water and fire can’t survive in water. So how’s that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don’t ask me.

17. There’s no better occasion than Valentine’s Day to tell your loved one how much you hate Asian people and that you can’t keep it in your pants.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I'm being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst since this screams racism. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I’m being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

18. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than offensively mocking Native Americans with demeaning stereotypes.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team's name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It's offensive.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team’s name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It’s offensive like this Valentine of these kids thinking that Indians practice human sacrifice.

19. A valentine depicting a beaver carving a heart. Don’t see what can go wrong with that?

Of course, anyone who's over a certain age knows what "beaver" also pertain to. It's even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

Of course, anyone who’s over a certain age knows what “beaver” also pertain to. It’s even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

20. Of course, there’s nothing like some hotdogs on the fire during Valentine’s Day.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog's face.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog’s face.

21. Nothing makes a more romantic valentine than one of a pirate threatening to kidnap you.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it. Seriously, abduction for love is a thing and it’s not pretty.

22. Be my valentine or this means war.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can't refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn't okay in the least. What's wrong with, "I'll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?" Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can’t refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn’t okay in the least. What’s wrong with, “I’ll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?” Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

23. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a valentine of a lonely dog about to shoot himself.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? "Be my valentine or I'm going to shoot myself?" If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? “Be my valentine or I’m going to shoot myself?” If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

24. Be my valentine or I’ll murder you, burn your body, and put your ashes in the trash can.

It's not what's in the trash can, it's who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can gives you a clue.

It’s not what’s in the trash can, it’s who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can of ashes gives you a clue.

25. Happy Valentine’s Day from Ronald McDonald.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he's always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he's about to haunt you in your dreams.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he’s always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he’s about to haunt your dreams. Hope you love therapy.

26. Give me a kiss and I won’t bite your head off.

Of course, this doesn't help that the wolf looks as if it's ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It's pretty terrifying if you ask me.

Of course, this doesn’t help that the wolf looks as if it’s ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It’s pretty terrifying if you ask me.

27. Aw, a cat licking some little kid clean, what can possibly go wrong with that?

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

28. This sailor has a cannon only loaded with love for you, valentine.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn't recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy's legs. This sort of makes the "loaded only with love for you, valentine" seem a quite inappropriate, indeed.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn’t recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy’s legs. This sort of makes the “loaded only with love for you, valentine” have a whole new dirty meaning.

29. Happy Valentine’s Day and I’ll ski into your heart whether you like it or not.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she's gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That's not cute, it's scary.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she’s gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That’s not cute, it’s scary.

30. Be my valentine or I’ll send my duck billed crocodile after you.

Doesn't help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don't know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don't have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn't look so good.

Doesn’t help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don’t know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn’t look so good.

31. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than two hot dogs in love.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don't want to know what's more. Seriously, this valentine's designer must've been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don’t want to know what’s more. Seriously, this valentine’s designer must’ve been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

32. Happy Valentine’s Day from psycho pig.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he'll make sure you're as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he’ll make sure you’re as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

33. Don’t be a dummy and be my valentine.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a crazy mouse caught in a trap.

I don't know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

I don’t know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

35. Be my valentine and let’s be cuffed together for all eternity.

What's this? Our grandparents' BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

What’s this? Our grandparents’ BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

36. Be my valentine or I’ll blow my top if you say no. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I'm not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don't seem like they're up to any good.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I’m not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don’t seem like they’re up to any good.

37. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than cruelty to animals.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I'm sure the cat's not liking it. Still, this girl is like, "I'll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever." Giggle, giggle.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I’m sure the cat’s not liking it. Still, this girl is like, “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Giggle, giggle.

38. Be my valentine and I won’t be the fish that got away.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let's hope this fish isn't out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let’s hope this fish isn’t out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

39. Valentine, you are the apple of my eye.

Let's hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don't ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people's heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

Let’s hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don’t ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people’s heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

40. Valentine, even if you’d toss my love aside like Bluebeard, I’d still want you.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it's not like he just leaves them.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from medieval European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it’s not like he just leaves them.

41. Must I hammer it in until you be my valentine?

I don't know about you but, isn't hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I'm just saying.

I don’t know about you but, isn’t hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I’m just saying.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy in your drink.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it's pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it's just a very big glass to begin with.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it’s pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it’s just a very big glass to begin with.

43. When it comes to the chase, some give up, some persist before they get the hint or restraining, and some keep trying beyond the grave.

Billy may be dead but he's still determined to win Karen's heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn't had a good night sleep since.

Billy may be dead but he’s still determined to win Karen’s heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn’t had a good night sleep since.

44. Surrender and be my prisoner er-I mean valentine. That’s it.

Of course, this would've been quite different if she didn't come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

Of course, this would’ve been quite different if she didn’t come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from your neighborhood 1950s diner that hires the ugly people.

Basically this is Miss Frizzle before she had the magic school bus. Of course, she went through a very awkward phase in high school and really didn't go out much with boys for obvious reasons.

Basically this is Lady Elaine back when she was working at the neighborhood of Make Believe diner and malt shop during the 1950s before it went out of business. Yes, she was going through a very awkward phase in high school.

46. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than some hot condiment on hotdog action. This time, it’s the pickle jar’s turn.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

47. You’re unusual, valentine, like the bearded lady.

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn't be happy at all. I mean if you're a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying "you're ugly."

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn’t be happy at all. I mean if you’re a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying “you’re ugly.”

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your generic horror movie monster whatever it is.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine's Day isn't your holiday.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t your holiday.

49. Be my valentine, sunshine, or I’ll kill you.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don't mess with this dame here.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don’t mess with this dame here.

50. Your eyes are brown like the harsh tobacco I inhale through too packs a day, which kills 1/3 of its users each year and is slowly killing me.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she's like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she's bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can't seem to quit her.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she’s like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she’s bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can’t seem to quit her. And if he’s with her long enough he’ll spend his last days slowly dying of cancer in the hospital if the heart attack doesn’t kill him first.

Happy Valentine’s Day with These Vintage Ads of Yesterday

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

San-Valentino-per-coca-cola-1960

To be honest, I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s because it’s a holiday centered around romance while I haven’t experienced much of it since most of the guys I had things for didn’t like me back or just have a funny way of showing it that I didn’t quite get which sometimes sent me to suspect the worst (you know who you are). Then again, contrary to what 30 Rock says Saint Valentine’s Day isn’t a Catholic holy day since we’re not sure whether the martyred bishop of love was a real person (not to mention that most Catholic Masses don’t last beyond 45 minutes). Still, with the exception of getting chocolate candy from my parents and flowers, I can basically take or leave it. Still, since sweethearts tend to exchange gifts such as jewelry, flowers, candy, lingerie, or stuffed animals. So there are plenty of opportunities for businesses to advertise their products. Now I can go crazy about the cute vintage Valentine’s ads like the couple sharing the Coke one above. Yet, I realized that would be more taste like diabetes and vomit inducing than the sweetness Valentine’s Day is associated with. Instead, I’ll show ads that don’t make Valentine’s Day such a lovely mid winter holiday for the greatest gift businesses can receive: cold hard cash. So without further adieu, here are some terrible Valentine’s Day ads from your grandparents’ generation.

1. This Valentine’s Day, fellas, give your girlfriend the gift you’ll need to transport with your pick up truck that’ll break your bank.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine's Day isn't the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman's dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman’s dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas or her birthday.

2. Ladies, nothing says Valentine’s Day for your gentleman like a new silk necktie.

Now this is the kind of guy's gift that says: "I didn't know what else to give you. But I know you're a guy and needed to give you something. So here's what I got you for $60."

Now this is the kind of guy’s gift that says: “I didn’t know what else to give you. But I know you’re a guy and needed to give you something. So here’s what I got you for $60.”

3. This Valentine’s Day cake gives you a way to get in a man’s heart through his stomach.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she's anticipating for the poison to take effect.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she’s anticipating for the poison to take effect any minute now.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than Rheingold Extra Dry Beer.

Now I'm sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine's Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I'm not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

Now I’m sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine’s Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I’m not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

5. Give your loved one a gift they’d be grateful to have this Valentine’s Day, a pre-mortem funeral arrangements.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives' funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine's Day. And when it comes to Valentine's Day guys have it easy since it's a girly holiday to begin with.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives’ funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine’s Day. And when it comes to Valentine’s Day guys have it easy since it’s a girly holiday to begin with.

6. Give your sweetheart Hinds Honey and  Almond Cream for this Valentine’s Day as these girls make a lacy Valentine’s Day card for their mother it seems.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

7. Schrafft’s Chocolates are the candies that lead to a girl’s, uh, I’d like to say heart.

From how the guy's hands are position, it seems like he's about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they're about to get their nasty on to me.

From how the guy’s hands are position, it seems like he’s about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they’re about to get their nasty on to me.

8. Give your sweetheart the Valentine’s Day gift they’ll appreciate, tires.

Uh, aren't these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I'm sure they aren't anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I'm sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness.

Uh, aren’t these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I’m sure they aren’t anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I’m sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness. Still, I’d be a bit concerned if I were their parents.

9. Send a valentine to those you love with a card from American Greetings.

I don't know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn't make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

I don’t know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn’t make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

10. Guys, when it comes to being the perfect valentine, make sure you’re the Kreml guy on the lower right.

From PopSugar: "The description for "Slicker" seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester's Will burn-book: 'Your dome's so slick we don't know whether that's human hair or patent leather.'" Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you'd see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he's a creepy stalker of some woman's nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he's put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

From PopSugar: “The description for “Slicker” seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester’s Will burn-book: ‘Your dome’s so slick we don’t know whether that’s human hair or patent leather.'” Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you’d see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he’s a creepy stalker of some woman’s nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he’s put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

11. Give her a valentine that would put  stars in her eyes and music in her heart.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who'd do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who’d do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

12. Oh, he remembered Valentine’s Day! And he sent me Whtiman’s chocolate.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor's man remembered Valentine's Day, doesn't really guarantee she's going to stay with him. I mean she's known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men. Those 7 divorces aren't cheap, man.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor’s man remembered Valentine’s Day, doesn’t really guarantee she’s going to stay with him. I mean she’s known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men (twice to Richard Burton and one to a guy she met in rehab in the 1990s). Those 7 divorces don’t come cheap.

13. For those in long distance relationships, send them a Valentine’s Day telegram from Western Union.

From PopSugar: "Ending a Valentine's Day telegram with "guess who" sounds a teensy bit stalkerish." Yeah, I'd think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

From PopSugar: “Ending a Valentine’s Day telegram with “guess who” sounds a teensy bit stalkerish.” Yeah, I’d think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

14. You’re never too young to give or receive Faroh’s finest chocolates!

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn't cute, it's disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn’t cute, it’s disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

15. Aim for the best with Chesterfield cigarettes.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart's heart. But they'll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart’s heart. But they’ll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

16. Rheingold Extra Dry Beer: The perfect gift for your man this Valentine’s Day.

"Drink up, honey buns, for I've prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don't feel like driving tonight? Don't forget, that you can't be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states."

“Drink up, honey buns, for I’ve prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don’t feel like driving tonight? Don’t forget, that you can’t be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states, sweetie.”

17. For your son this Valentine’s Day, why don’t you pack him a sandwich for school with Mor: a thrifty meat.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she's very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn't good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it's disgusting.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she’s very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn’t good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it’s disgusting.

18. Please your valentine with these Manhattani peppermint pajamas.

From Popsugar: "My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine's Day because after all that chocolate you're gonna want something loose." Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

From Popsugar: “My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine’s Day because after all that chocolate you’re gonna want something loose.” Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

19. Nothing says sex and romance on Valentine’s Day like V-Day pajamas for the whole family!

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine's Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I'm sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine's Day. Of course, he'll probably never wear them again after this picture.

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine’s Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I’m sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine’s Day. Of course, he’ll probably never wear them again after this picture.

20. Give her the gift of chocolate with Whitman’s candy sampler.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

21. Heads, you win! Seriously, what does that mean?

Oh, I see. Guys, I don't think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave.

Oh, I see. Guys, I don’t think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave. Yes, they’re literally man eaters and watch out, boys, they’ll chew you up.

22. Nothing satisfies a man this Valentine’s Day than a shirt and tie from Arrow.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine's Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I'm sure a dress shirt and necktie aren't gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you're better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine’s Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I’m sure a dress shirt and necktie aren’t gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you’re better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

23. Now what to give a woman? Vacuums or flowers?

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they'll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won't be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they're running.

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they’ll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won’t be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they’re running.

24. “People all over the world (everybody)/Join hands (join)/Start a love train, love train.”

From PopSugar: "Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you're pretty much dead." Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I'm sure that's not what the O'Jays had in mind when they recorded, "Love Train."

From PopSugar: “Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you’re pretty much dead.” Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I’m sure that’s not what the O’Jays had in mind when they recorded, “Love Train.”

25. Remember “Remembering Day” and give me chocolate. Or else.

From PopSugar: "If your man doesn't remember Valentine's Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he's either blind or a hermit." Also, I don't know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

From PopSugar: “If your man doesn’t remember Valentine’s Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he’s either blind or a hermit.” Also, I don’t know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

26. Give the ladies in your life the gift that’ll last a long time: granny panties.

What's even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you'd find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn't seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter.

What’s even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you’d find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn’t seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter. Also funny that these are called, “Lollipops Bubble Duds.”

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Jolly Green Giant.

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn't seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine's Day for God's sake? Farmers?

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn’t seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine’s Day for God’s sake? Farmers?

28. Remember, guys, the Whitman master won’t quit at 5 this Valentine’s Day so give your girlfriend chocolate.

Of course, I hope that guy doesn't work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he's pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

Of course, I hope that guy doesn’t work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he’s pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

29. Make this Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with this lovely double decker heart shaped cake.

From PopSugar: "How to feel bloated on Valentine's Day — so romantic!" Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it's almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

From PopSugar: “How to feel bloated on Valentine’s Day — so romantic!” Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it’s almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

30.Nestle chocolate: A great way to a woman’s heart.

It seems that this woman doesn't just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.

It seems that this woman doesn’t just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.