Now summer is a big season for music since it’s a time of year when musical artists are touring the country as well as the summer music festivals. So it’s no wonder why I decided to do yet another edition of vintage album covers you’d love to laugh at. For those who don’t know, the cover above is of Billy Joel’s 1980s album The Nylon Curtain which isn’t one of his best known albums but its cover does have a unique simplistic style a neighborhood at sunset in true minimalist fashion. Luckily, Billy Joel was such a noted artist in the early 1980s that his record company would certainly sent the best cover artist around even while the artist was dating models, going to parties, and drunkenly crashing cars into houses. Unfortunately, for those who relish in great album art like this, this post isn’t for you. So perhaps you should go to some website like Amazon or Ebay and look for the great album covers there. This is for crappy vintage covers that might’ve seemed like a good idea at a time, but are either dated or are a source of some unfortunate implications. Some might give you an idea that the cover artist was basically drunk or high on some mind altering drugs. Not sure if they had meth back then though. So without further adieu, here are some crappy album covers you and/or your parents might’ve forgotten about.
1. Eulenspygel 2
Well, looks like PeeWee wanted all the attention by himself so he made sure that his siblings would meet their gruesome deaths in the frying pan. Yes, that is one sick bird.
Hmmm….seems like farm chicks aren’t the innocent balls of fluff that we initially thought.
2. Larz Kelsterz Stuffparty 2
Seems like the music on this album appears to be inspired by Saturday Night Fever and ABBA. Of course, I can’t take this cover seriously with those garish golden polyester suits.
Possibly one of the pioneering albums in West German Eurodisco.
3. Black Sabbath Sabotage
The only positives about this is how one guy is wearing red tights and another is wearing a dress. Said to be one of the worst album covers in rock history. It’s said that the photo sessions of this cover were rushed and that it had become a victim of sabotage itself. Of course, it’s kind of fitting in a way.
Kind of makes me bummed seeing Ozzy Osbourne in what’s nothing more than a boring photoshoot. “Crazy Train” this ain’t.
4. Dave Stephens Organ Fascination
And not only any naked girl, one that seems like she really wants to get the photo shoot over with. Kind of like how a hooker wants to get it over with so she can take her cash and leave. Wonder if this album includes religious music, which would be all the more ironic.
Seems like the guy is so desperate to sell his organ music album that he put a naked girl on the cover.
5. Norberto de Freitas Trapalhadas do Balbino
Man, that guy on the cover really needs to see a dentist. Of course, some in America may swear they’ve seen a man like that on the Subway.
Didn’t know that Italians would be into hobo music. Then again, it might be opera hobo music.
6. Alison Angrim As Amy Carter Heeere’s Amy!
Sure she might be a sweet nerdy girl you might want to take home to mama. But, gentlemen, be warned that she can strangle you with her bare hands. If you’re a man who likes erotic asphyxiation, you have been warned.
There doesn’t seem to be anything sweet behind those oversized nerd girl glasses.
7. Music to Make Housework Easier
Okay, let’s get this straight. This woman is obviously not a housewife in any way, shape, or form. No real housewife would spend all day sweeping and ironing in business attire, even in the 1950s. It’s more likely that she’s a part-time working mom who’s taking a small smoking break who’s rushing to get everything done before her husband and kids come home.
Seems like she’s on her smoking break after she spent hours sweeping and ironing in her blouse, skirt, nylons, and high heels.
8. Heavy Load Stronger than Evil
Besides, I swear that Boromir almost looked just like that near the end of the first Lord of the Rings movie. Also, what’s with the face?
Either he’s not or good has a tendency to inflict a lot of collateral damage.
9. Battleaxe Burn This Town
Seriously, I think there have been more couch burnings in Morgantown, West Virginia with more bad ass flames than this. Wonder if this album art was done by a family member of the band. Because I find cover design hard to take seriously.
Sorry, but I don’t think that’s a very lame attempt for a scorched earth policy.
10. The Handsome Beasts Bestiality
Now I might not like a naked fat guy on the cover, but that’s not my issue here. My issue here is that they put a naked fat guy on the cover with a pig on an album titled Bestiality. Seriously, I think I have an idea of what’s going on and think it’s depraved.
Okay, I have a very bad feeling where this is going.
11. Nelson Because They Can
Now two guys in long blond wigs is one thing. But two dogs in long blond wigs like that? Now that’s just freaking hilarious. But to the dogs, it must be humiliating.
Possibly the most honest album cover I’ve seen for a long time.
12. Ethel Merman The Ethel Merman Disco Album
For those who don’t know who Ethel Merman is, she’s an early 20th century singer best known for singing show tunes and appearing on Broadway musicals. Why she did a disco album is anyone’s guess. Then again both Broadway and disco tend to have a gay fanbase.
Seems like your grandparents’ artists will do anything to stay relevant or appeal to a new generation.
13. Jonah Jones I Dig Chicks!
Of course, as to why they had all those girls on the back hoe without any proper safety equipment, I have no idea. Seriously, this cover photoshoot seems to use the same amount of safety procedures as Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” video.
Interesting way how your put the gay rumors to rest.
14. Scorpions Animal Magnetism
I’m sorry, but whenever I see a guy standing towards a kneeling woman looking up at him, I tend to imagine something I really can’t mention at the moment. And the dog seems anticipating this. Still, not sure if the beach is the best place for that. Might need a change of venue.
Was this band even warned that their album art might not be suitable for PG audiences?
15. Fireballet Two, Too…
Now guys in leotards and tights is one thing. But hairy guys in tutus from the 1970s? Now that’s crazy. Guess the guy who thought this up must’ve been on some powerful hallucinogens.
Just a bunch of hairy men in the 1970s getting in touch with their feminine side. Despite the fact real male ballet dancers don’t wear tutus.
16. Alix Dobkin Living with Lesbians
Either the people in this photo are very butch lesbians in very but clothing, which might perpetuate obvious stereotypes. Or they’re all men, since it doesn’t seem apparent to me that any of them have boobs.
As a heterosexual woman, I don’t often say this, but I think the women shouldn’t be wearing such loose clothing, if they’re women at all.
17. Jose Angel Madre Soy Christiano Homosexual
Still, stereotypically speaking, he more or less resembles a guy you’d see at a Jimmy Buffett concert in Florida. But yeah, the coming out bit to his mom via album cover is pretty funny. Perhaps he’s better off telling her face to face. Then again, she probably knew anyway for years.
Translated as: “Mom, I’m a Christian Homosexual.”
18. Millie Jackson Back to the S**t!
Then again, she was just back from her Tijuana vacation with the runs shortly before the album’s release. Perhaps the bathroom shot was the best they can do at the moment. Still, it’s very much in poor taste. Really, I don’t anybody wants to see that.
As to why you’d want to promote your album with a glimpse of the most private moments of your life, I have no idea.
19. Butch Yelton and Upbound Swing that Gospel Axe
Okay, now if that guy swings that ax, he’s bound to inflict bodily injury on somebody in this photo. Other than that, seems to resemble more of a folk rock album from the 1970s, than anything featuring Christian music. Are these people trying to make themselves look like the Christianized ripoff to CCR?
For the love of God, no way in Hell! Seriously, you may hurt somebody.
20. The Murk Family Love for All Seasons
Now I like flowers as much as the next person. But I have to admit, that floral pattern is hideous. Let’s just say that there are some moments of 1970s fashion that nobody wants to repeat.
Of course, it was mandatory that everyone match for this photoshoot. So Mom decided to make outfits with the family tablecloth.
21. Elsie Brooks Elsie Brooks
This was Elsie’s idea for her album cover. She wanted to get closer to her roots while she was a struggling stripclub dancer at The Gaylord Club. She often wore the feather boa outfit in her act as well as danced with streamers.
Seems like she’s doing some dirty dancing with the typography.
22. Mike Terry Live at the Pavilion Theatre – Glasgow Vol. 2
Seems like Liberace was such a success in the United States that the Brits wanted a flamboyantly gay concert pianist of their own. Seems like Mike Terry happened to be it in his sparkly attire.
And I thought there was no gayer concert pianist than Liberace.
23. The Glitter Band Hey!
What’s even funnier is that I’ve actually played a song by Gary Glitter in high school and college band. Of course, their song “Rock and Roll Part 2” has been played at American sporting events for time immemorial. However, it’s said that Gary Glitter himself has been convicted of sexual abuse and child pornography since the 1990s.
Of course, I have to apologize that these guys are definitely not from the future or outer space. They’re from the 1970s.
24. Les Baxter Space Escapade
Still, you have to hand it to them that these guys aren’t prejudiced. I mean they’ll take yellow girls, pink girls, purple girls, etc. Also, wonder what’s inside those pots. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.
Seems like Captain Kirk isn’t the only human space horndog in the galaxy.
25. The Peacemakers My Faith Still Holds
Of course, this Christian group would’ve gone with “The Police” but it was already taken. Still, not sure why the men are wearing police uniforms and the woman is clad in Cruella De Vil’s summer dress.
Your faith might still hold but I’m not sure if you can get out of jail for this one.
26. Colonel Sanders Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic
Seriously, if this is supposed to be a Tijuana picnic, then shouldn’t the family be eating Mexican food instead of KFC? Then again, the Colonel would probably lose some business to Taco Bell. Still, this is just a case of blatant product placement and geographical inaccuracy.
Seems more like a Kentucky Fried picnic to me as the Colonel intended.
27. Mike Adkins Thank You for the Dove
Now Mike Adkins is the kind of guy who once had a great career, a loving family, and was a hit at a party spouting tall tales and jokes galore. Then tragedy struck that he became a shell of himself. Of course, the dove is the best thing that’s ever happened to him since….the accident. So perhaps we should cut the guy some slack for once.
I’m sure his hand will soon be covered in birdshit as soon as the white dove can fly.
28. The Singing Postman The Best of the Singing Postman
Seems friendly enough. But of course, he probably had to turn to music since he was said to sleep with every woman in town. But I’m not sure if that’s for being a mailman or a musician.
Or as some people call it, “Music to Irritate Your Dog.”
29. Tino Por Primera Vez
Still, don’t know what to make of that short shorts and polo outfit. Or the pose where he’s spreading his legs. Kind of disturbing if I look at it. Still, album is probably aimed at teenage girls.
Guess this boy must’ve been the Justin Bieber of his day in Latin America.
30. Francisco y Fernando Vamos a la Playa
Well, it’s translated “Come to the Beach” even though neither have chests you want to write home about. But they seem to give each other the male gaze so to speak. Not sure if they’re “just friends” or have a love that dare not speak its name. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Hmmm….two shirtless guys at the beach with their backpacks. Wonder what can go on there.
31. The Celebration Road Show Amazing Grace
Now having a cute little kid juxtaposed with the homeless old guy with a bottle in his and sitting near an empty pit. Wonder what those two images have in common. And what the hell is the drunken old guy doing on a Christian album?
They decided to go with the cute kid in hopes that nobody would notice the old drunken homeless man.
32. Dan Betzer and Louie Dan Betzer and Louie Tell the Bible Classics Vol. III
Wonder if this album includes the story of David and Bathsheba or the Song of Solomon. Then of course, it’s probably catered to children. So no double entendres or David raping another man’s wife and having her husband killed.
Because nothing makes Sunday school more fun than listening to Bible stories told by some Middle Eastern clad ventriloquist shepherd and his shepherd dummy.
33. Music to Paint By
Still, I don’t think either one of them is in appropriate housepainting attire, which is crap clothes you can throw away. Also, I’m sure dancing isn’t a good idea when you’re holding paintbrushes either. I mean paint can really get in your clothes.
Now there’s an album you can listen to as you and your spouse put another coat on the living room walls.
34. Man with a Horn
Not sure if this woman wants to blow him or his trumpet. Of course, he usually blows out of his own trumpet anyway. Then again, maybe we should leave it up to the imagination.
Kind of like Fifty Shades of Grey but with more blowing action and a jazzy soundtrack.
35. Lenny Dee Down South
Of course, it seems like he’s distracted by the ballerina on a water surfboard. Still, for those who’ve seen my vintage postcards, it should be obvious he’s in Florida. Either that or just on acid.
A motorized raft for your piano? Now I’ve never seen that before.
36. The Phineas Newborn Trio “I Love a Piano”
Of course, she’s likely to hump a a leg that’s mahogany with a fine varnish and great curves. Still, I’m sure cuddling up with this kind of hard wood is sure to cause splinters.
While she does love legs, she prefers them as sturdy as they are graceful.
37. Music for Your Plants
Okay, now this is just ridiculous that it makes an album for your pets seem normal. Seriously, do plants even listen to music? Can they even hear at all? Nevertheless, I think hiring an orchestra for your ivy and ferns is just beyond crazy.
Now there’s even an album for your houseplants to listen to.
38. Cees Verschoor Dutch Sax
Hate to inflict some political correctness, but I think the outfit is a bit stereotypical. If not, then anachronistic or possibly more appropriate for a polka album. Still, at least she’s in high heels and nylons. But for God’s sake Dutch people don’t dress like that. Never have.
Didn’t know people in the Netherlands even listened to jazz music, let alone saxophone.
39. The Ventures Walk Don’t Run
Not only that, but the lead female singer was so much in rehearsal mode that she absolutely no idea what was going on. Of course, all the male members had to go to the hospital and the tour was cancelled.
Seems like the band experienced a little accident due to all the male members fighting over the pretty lead singer.
40. Smethin’ Smith and the Redheads Crazy People
Then again, all three could be reenacting their favorite sexual fantasy on the cover. Besides, those nurse outfits look like they’re straight from Mindy’s Sex Shop than any hospital.
I’m sure these guys don’t mind being in straitjackets at the funny farm with all those sexy nurses taking care of their needs.
41. Bert Kaempfert and His Orchestra If I Had You
Don’t look now but I think she’s giving the kind of face that says, “Ask me for a drink again and I’ll plan to file a restraining order against you.” Basically if a woman gives you a look like that at a bar, then she’s obviously not that into you.
Or as I call it, “Love Songs for the Singles Bar.”
42. David Carroll and His Orchestra Contrasts
Okay, now this guy is either in an old timey bathing suit or his pajamas. But we’re all sure he’s certainly distracted by the sexy. Still, why they thought an image like this was a good idea, don’t ask me. Oh, wait it was the girl in a bikini part.
Seems like old timey bathing suit guy really has a thing for the girl in the striped bikini.
43. Les Compagnons de la Chanson
Well, I guess this was probably the only place available for an album photo shoot. Still, I’m not sure a junk yard is an appropriate photo op destination for an album I definitely know doesn’t consist of rock music. Also, I think the tuxedos make the guys look a bit out of place.
For some reason, these guys don’t strike me as a garage band. Must be the tuxedos.
44. And God Gave Me a Fix: The John 3:16 Cook Story
Now I know this is a Christian album, pertaining to how Jesus saved a guy from a heroin addiction. But still what’s with the big hand inserting a crucifix into a guy with a hypodermic needle. Seriously, if this is about a guy finding God and overcoming a heroin addiction, I’m not sure if you want to use motifs pertaining to drug use. Talk about being high on Christ. Good God.
Love the tagline “From Junk to Jesus.”
45. Oral Roberts We Are Partners
Hate to offend anyone, but Oral Roberts in this reminds me of the kind of businessman who’d swindle his company of millions before heading to the Mexican border while he sets up his partner as the fall guy. That, or some Wall Street banker who was born with the character flaw of having no conscience that he robs millions through his own Ponzi scheme. Definitely not someone I’d want to shake hands with.
Oral Roberts wants you to embrace the true spirit of Jesus and shake his hand.
46. Joe “Fingers” Carr Honky Tonk
Sorry, fellas, but I’m sure your typical Old West prostitute never looked as pretty or clean as this woman. And I’m not sure if she wore a black silky outfit with fishnet stockings either. But yes, she might cater to the BDSM crowd. Can play either dom or sub.
Because nothing brings in the spirit of the Old West like a saloon floozie reclining on the piano.
47. Hugo and Luigi with Their Family Singers When Good Fellows Get Together
For now let’s hope for the best that these guys aren’t just fresh out of their AA meeting. Still, I guess this will result in at least one guy falling over or at least messing up with the lyrics. Yeah, drinking isn’t always the best activity between friends.
Because when good fellows get together, they all sing and hug each other while getting drunk.
48. Don Elliot and His Orchestra Music for the Sensational Sixties
Seriously, who the hell thought this would make a great album cover? It’s utterly ridiculous in my opinion, especially with the motorcycle and space bit. I’m sure what he has on that album won’t remind anyone of the 1960s anytime soon.
Nothing makes a great futuristic album than having a French horn player riding in a motorcycle in outer space.
49. Dr. Murray Banks How to Live with Yourself…Or…What to Do Until the Psychiatrist Comes
Seems like the waiting room at a psychiatrist’s office has the potential to be a rather interesting place. Then again, maybe you should go see a therapist after being in a room full of nuts like these.
Guess if you buy this guy’s album, you’re probably questioning your sanity by this point.
50. Les Feres Jacques Es Fessey
Now I’m not sure what distresses me about the French. The fact that Jerry Lewis has a considerable French fanbase or this album cover. I mean all these guys seem to want to spread their cape out and garner all the attention. Not sure why. Still, pretty ridiculous to say the least.
Guess everyone has to be the guy in the top hat and cape, do they?