Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)

Alcohol Ads of the 1900s (1)

Disclaimer: This post is not for those under the legal age of 21. Those over 21 please drink responsibly. Thank you. Okay I was just kidding with that one.

Whether you’re getting ready to celebrate the holidays, are trying to cope with the Trump administration, or have a beer with your friends during a big game, chances are you’re probably familiar with alcoholic drinks. Back in the day, our ancestors had somewhat different attitudes to booze depending on what kind of people they were. On one hand, you have temperance people who saw alcohol as terrible since it ruined families and the like. But on the other hand, you have people where alcohol is so integral to their culture that they see no problem with kids drinking beer. Or monks brewing beer in German monasteries like they did at Saint Vincent College. Anyway, it shouldn’t be any surprise why the major beer labels in America are German and from the Midwest. However, though Germans have a high value on beer, it’s not the only alcoholic beverage they drink since we also have German wines such Champagne and Zinfindel. Anyway, many of these vintage ads might echo rather antiquated ideas about our society nor have aged well at any stretch. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of booze ads from yesteryear.

  1. For bowling night, you’d always strike with Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Sure it might seem like a harmless bowling scene. Until you see that everyone in this has blue ribbon appendages. Then it’s just creepy.

2. Budweiser always gives you good times.

Now here’s a rather racist ad. Sure the black guy’s is supposed to be depicted as an eager servant. But looking at his imposing face he appears quite menacing. So I wouldn’t drink any of that beer if I were you.

3. Flirt Vodka can be quite appealing.

Though looking at her bruised knees, I don’t think this ad conveys a good message. Let’s hope she just had a party mishap.

4. Have a merry cherry with Kijafa, a Danish cherry wine.

Yet, the word “cherry” has an R-rated connotation that I can’t really discuss. But notice how that woman has mistletoe in her hand.

5. “‘Sweet’ on whiskey sours? Make your next drink Green River.”

But how he has such humongous hands is another matter. Seriously, they’re like totally out of proportion to his body.

6. Without Schlitz, you can’t have beer.

However, looking at the clown’s eyes, I suggest you give him some Schlitz now. Otherwise, he’ll get angry and kidnap your children.

7. Schlitz: the preeminent beer for clowns.

Sure this clown might be happy now. But once the booze wears off, he won’t be funny in the moonlight.

8. Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka is in the spirit of the Czar.

Sure vodka is associated with Russia. But Wolfschmidt seems kind of Germanic to me. Then again, Catherine the Great was a German aristocrat and plenty of czars had German ancestry. So it oddly fits.

9. Schlitz, the beer of choice for American cowboys.

Yet, Schlitz is the beer for male bonding after a long day at the ranch. Still, the bottom scene seems kind of like Brokeback Mountain to me.

10. On the slopes, grab a cold Heiney.

Yet, I’m not sure about those Heineken snow suits. One of the women looks kind of embarrassed that people would see her and think she resembles a can.

11. Bacardi Rum is what they serve in Hell.

Still, if you see this guy behind the glasses, you might want to take a drink. For he already seems disappointed in you. Might not want to anger him even further.

12. Anisetta Evangelisti is the perfect liquor for dessert. Just ask this chimp.

However, despite that people think chimps are funny and loveable, they can be quite nasty. Also, why the hell would you want a chimp drink booze?

13. Even King Kong drinks Miller beer.

Though it wouldn’t help him climb the Empire State Building. Or avoid airplanes. Now that I think of it, how could King Kong even grab a beer? That makes no sense.

14. Bacardi is the rum of America’s favorite cocktails.

But would you want a drink with this guy? Sure he might be okay, but the pervy stache doesn’t help matters.

15. Everyone’s calling it on Early Times whiskey.

How old are these baseball players supposed to be? Because I find it hard to think they’re 21 or over.

16. Gordon’s Gin contains medicinal properties.

Actually, Gordon’s or not, gin is the worst thing for your liver. Let’s just say taking it as medicine isn’t the smartest idea.

17. For real morning after relief, drink a Pluto highball.

So this ad states, if you want to relieve a hangover, drink more booze in the morning. Because chances are you’re probably an alcoholic at this point.

18. The secret to a great holiday party is lots of mistletoe and Seagram’s Extra Dry.

So basically, you can’t have a great Christmas party without tons of boozy sex. Not what I’d call drinking responsibly.

19. Pabst beer prepares for the joys of motherhood.

Actually, if you’re pregnant, you better stay away from the booze, especially during the first trimester. Because it puts the developing baby at risk for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

20. With a Heineken, even your beer gives you a beer.

Well, this is hard to explain. Someone must’ve been under the influence to come up with this.

21. O-fl Extract Malt always builds people up.

Look, I know kids are cute and cuteness sells. But putting a child next to a bottle of booze isn’t appropriate. Seriously, there’s a reason why the drinking age is 21.

22. Ballantine beer is the preeminent drink for those in horse costumes.

It’s one thing to put a weird horse in your ad. But knowing this horse consists of two guys in a costume is rather disturbing. Seriously, just pick either humans or animals.

23. Nothing makes a riverside picnic like Schlitz beer.

I don’t think the guy trying Schlitz isn’t glowing about the beer in this one. Seems like there’s more going on here.

24. Want to please your man, ladies? Serve him Budweiser.

Because it’s said Budweiser delights more husbands than any beer ever known. Also, his Inner Man craves booze.

25. Dare to be different with Suntory Royal Whiskey.

Though whether it means you should do Kabuki theater, is another question entirely. Yes, it looks badass but it’s part of Japanese culture. Yet, couldn’t they just come up with some other image?

26. Anhauser-Busch’s Malt Nutrine is the preeminent beer for nursing mothers.

Yes, this was back when they considered beer as a health food. But today, these beer companies would never cater their product to nursing moms.

27. Even mounted goats enjoy the taste of Schaefer’s Bock beer.

Let’s just say Dr. Seuss was young and needed the money. But compared to some of his political cartoons, this isn’t too bad.

28. As a velveted whiskey, Imperial is so much fun!

Okay, we all know that polar bears and penguins don’t coexist. But unlike the Coca Cola ads, this provides of good illustration on what a polar bear and penguin co-existence would be like. And so far, it doesn’t look good for the penguin.

29. E.T. likes to remind you to not drink and drive. “Phone home” instead.

Yet, having E.T. work at the bar really ruins your childhood. I mean could you imagine him telling drunks to “phone home” if they had too many? Also, couldn’t Coors use the cast of Cheers instead? At least that show’s about a bar.

30. You can’t beat the mellow taste of Ten High whiskey.

Is it just me or is this woman unnaturally tan? The guy kind of looks rather unsettling, too.

31. A Four Roses Gimlet is 4 parts vodka and 1 part elegance.

However, this woman in here doesn’t seem like she’s really enjoying herself. In fact, she seems like she wants to go home while her significant other doesn’t.

32. Always drink Cossack Vodka for the office party.

I guess this woman is a bit tipsy since she notes how she didn’t recognize Mr. Smithers’ green eyes. Also, what the hell is she wearing? That doesn’t look like office wear to me.

33. “How about a little Schenley, Ruth?”

Ruth, get the hell out of there! The guy doesn’t just want a drink with you. The description here just makes me cringe.

34. “I’d ride a mile for a Smirnoff martini.”

Maybe, but what’s that got to do with a camel in the middle of the road? Besides, couldn’t just drive or ride a bus? Or walk?

35. The Smirnoff Mule is the drink that is.

But if I was that young woman, I’d be wary around Woody Allen. Because we all know he’s a real creep.

36. “He loves my mind. And he drinks Johnny Walker.”

Really? What makes him drinking Johnny Walker so important to you? Other than getting paid for just saying that?

37. Never go on a boat ride without Cinzano.

So is this diver rescuing this woman from a rowboat? Since she seems rather tied up. Then again, that might explain why the two guys are lying on the beach. Still, forget the booze. I want what the woman’s laundry detergent. Seriously, how does she keep her dress so clean?

38. Pernod is perfect for any pool party.

After all, Thing needs a vacation from the Addams Family once in awhile. So let him poor some booze on that woman if he wants to.

39. Champagne de la Jarretiere always brings people together.

Still, I wouldn’t want an old man grabbing at my garter. Sure he might have money, but still..

40. There’s nothing like Quina Marra.

However, I’m not sure why this woman’s having a drink with Mr. Pervo here. Unless she’s planning on getting him to pass out before she clears the premises.

41. You can’t go wrong with Rhum of the Incas.

First, Incas didn’t ride horses. Second, that looks more like a contestant from RuPaul’s Drag Race than anything from a Pre-Columbian culture in South America.

42. It’s always cheery with a Cherry Rocher Liqueur.

Though I’d wonder why this woman’s in a bird costume on a tree. Then again, nobody would be sober in her situation.

43. No man could resist the taste of Birra-Metzger-Torino.

You’d almost think this woman wants the guy she’s with die from liver cirrhosis. Cause from how he’s drinking, he’s most likely not driving the carriage that night.

44. Even great men like Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln approve of Johnny Walker.

From The Fix: “The hundred-foot visages of Roosevelt and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore—both of them paragons of virtue and wisdom—seem to be telekinetically talking to one another about a President whose face will soon be joining them. Whose face will be carved into the mountain is less important than the fact that they approve of the fact that he drinks Johnny Walker. The ad somehow manages to reduce the enormity of their legacy to something far smaller and silly. “

45. “Whatever you’ve got going…keep it going with J&B.”

Perhaps The Fix might explain this one better: “You can airbrush the 70s, but you can’t airbrush out the era’s creepy overtones. Half of this ad is dedicated to hands cupping what we have to assume is a mistress’s face. At first glance, it’s a fairly simple, innocent image. That’s before you start to peel back the crazy layers of control and illicitness going on. And J&B implores you to be part of every extramarital affair. No judgment. J&B doesn’t care what you do or who you do it with. It just wants to be there.”

46. Guys, always bring some White Horse Whiskey when going to a bachelorette pad.

Because nothing turns on boozy bachelorettes like “good guy” bringing White Horse Whiskey. Then again, perhaps flowers would be more appropriate? Or why not bring a couple of friends with you?

47. Enjoy the great taste of G.A. Jourde Bordeaux.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel this way when they drink. Though that doesn’t mean they’ll frolic around grapes.

48. Cordial Topaze is so great, this clown bought in bulk.

Because he’s every bit a creepy clown and an alcoholic. And he feels no shame about it.

49. Old French aristocrats always keep their Champagne stock in check in the middle of the night.

Then again, going down to your wine cellar at night might not be a good thing. Then again, he probably has a lot of parties going on.

50. This waitress always serves Braustube Hurlimann beer.

Looking at her, she knows that serving booze to customers gives her good tips. So the more drunk her customers are the better.

51. Squeeze all you can out of life with Seagram’s.

However, the man here’s worried he might eventually fade into a scene with scuba divers. So he’s not very pleased.

52. You need not be a slave to fashion with Smirnoff.

Though if you wear outfits like these, they might think you’re dressed for a Star Trek convention. Seriously, those have tacky 1960s all over them.

53. Smirnoff sour always has lemons and all that jazz.

Yet, why do they have black and white figures having a better time than the figures on the beach is beyond me. Kind of disturbs me for some reason.

54. Old Hickory Bourbon is simply magnificent.

So when the time is right, you can have a drink with your sweetheart before doing the nasty. From the woman’s eyes, and her pantyhose around his neck, you can guess where this is going.

55. Is it proper to boodle under the mistletoe or before guests arrive?

Guess it depends if you mean drinking Boodles Gin. Though it could just as easily mean sex. Either way, it depends on the party and I’ll leave it at that.

56. A Smirnoff Horse Shot is all you need at a ski lodge.

Still, they don’t just seem like cleaning skis to me. Might want to clear out before this goes any further.

57. A Bitter Pastore Milano is always a treat.

Guy kind of seems like he’s whispering something to the woman. Woman’s listening but would rather be somewhere else right now.

58. Drink a Smirnoff Hot Adam’s Apple while decorating for the holidays.

Though you’d pretty much have to be drunk to dress up that penguin. Then again, it might be a present they’re wrapping and not sure how.

59. Maker’s Mark always has a great body, compared to some guy’s girlfriend.

Talk about a blatantly sexist ad. Seriously, we shouldn’t be comparing women’s bodies to booze.

60. Enjoy the difference with Schlitz.

Though if I was on a date and a guy made that face while serving drinks, I’d get the hell out of there. A night with him could culminate into “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

61. Working hard in the garage? Pour some Budweiser.

Though I don’t think tools and booze make a good mix. Perhaps that might have to do with how alcohol inhibits mind body coordination. Or something else.

62. Carioca Rum makes every drink sing.

Yet, the guy on the bongos has a crazed look on his face suggesting he’s high. Hope he doesn’t go to close to the fire.

63. It’s always Scotch time with Johnny Walker.

But a guy dressed from the 1800s strutting in front of a bunch of guys in suit, that’s another question. Why they’re not fazed by it, I have no idea.

64. Wolfschmidt’s great for drinking while underwater.

As to why anyone would drink alcohol while scuba diving is beyond me. Seriously, I don’t even think that’s safe.

65. The green demon always goes for Maurin.

Yes, it’s a demonic character with a bottle of booze. And it will give you nightmares.

66. Smirnoff vodka always makes a great gift.

Yet, why have a woman covered in gift wrap just baffles me. Seriously why?

67. They’re always serving Paul Jones.

Okay, this is racist from the get-go and the white guys’ outfits don’t really help matters. Because though it might evoke a plantation setting, we all know who consisted of their labor force. And it’s why plantation weddings don’t have a great reputation.

68. You’ll always get the goats with Iron City Bock Beer.

Sure the goat might seem creepy as hell. So you really don’t want this one to but in while under the influence.

69. For pleasant moments, drink PM whiskey during the game.

After all, why should you worry about these leatherheads getting traumatic brain injuries? Seriously, you think today’s players have concussions? Also, you don’t drink whisky during a game. You drink beer.

70. Even Charles Dickens drank J&B Whiskey.

You know the guy who wrote A Christmas Carol and A Tale of Two Cities? Nevertheless, despite being a literary prowess, he’d desert his family for an 18 year old actress and was a dick to his wife.

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Share a Toast This Ocktoberfest with These Wunderbar Bier Steins

Here's a picture of a collectible Budweiser Beer Stein in the basement of my house. It's been at my home for as long as I can remember. But it's always been used for decoration. Guess it something that belonged to my dad.

Here’s a picture of a collectible Budweiser Beer Stein in the basement of my house. It’s been at my home for as long as I can remember. But it’s always been used for decoration. Guess it something that belonged to my dad.

For fall, you might’ve heard about Ocktoberfest which to Americans seems like a German secular, Saint Patrick’s Day. You know, a kind of occasion that’s used to celebrate an ethnic culture as an excuse to get drunk. I mean in late September and early October, you tend to find a lot of local places hosting their own Ocktoberfest events usually consisting of people eating German food, men in lederhosen and women in skimpy German dresses, and everyone drinking lots of beer. But what you may not know is that Ocktoberfest is a real folk festival in Munich that spans from late September up to the first Sunday in October that attracts 6 million people from around the world annually. And aside from the traditional fare, it includes a lot of games and amusement rides. They have held this festival since the marriage of Bavaria’s future King Ludwig I (then crown prince) and Princess Therese Charlotte Luise of Saxony-Hildburghausen (try pronouncing that name) on October 12, 1810. The citizens of Munich were all invited to attend the festivities on the fields of what is now Theresienwiese (“Theresa’s Meadow”) which lasted for 5 days. And to end the celebrations, there was major horse race. Of course, the citizens of Munich enjoyed the festivities so much that they decided to repeat the celebrations in order to promote agriculture. Thus, it has become an important cultural event in Bavaria ever since. Of course, since Ocktoberfest is known for people drinking beer, Germany is also known for its beer steins which are tall beer glasses. Many of them tend to have lids but not always. And they can be made of glass, ceramic, or pewter. Still, they’re all used to drink beer. And while I’ll show you some traditional beer steins, I’ll show some off-beat and pop culture ones as well. So in commemoration for Ocktoberfest, I bring you an assortment of all the different kinds of beer steins. Enjoy.

  1. Now this is a stein fit for our rescue heroes.
For some reason, this doesn't look like a traditional stein to me. More like a beer stein with a similar design you'd see on a plastic kids' mug.

For some reason, this doesn’t look like a traditional stein to me. More like a beer stein with a similar design you’d see on a plastic kids’ mug.

2. Of course, it sometimes pays to have one on the house, especially if it’s a castle.

Not sure if this is Neuschwanstein Castle or some other fairy tale palaces. Still, can't imagine drinking out of that thing.

Heard this is Falkenstein castle. But it kind of resembles Neuschwanstein to me for some reason. Then again, I’m more familiar with the latter.

3. Salute our canine heroes with this police dog beer stein.

Fittingly for Ocktoberfest, it's of a German Shepherd. And it's wearing its own little police outfit, too. Yeah, not sure what policemen would think about this.

Fittingly for Ocktoberfest, it’s of a German Shepherd. And it’s wearing its own little police outfit, too. Yeah, not sure what policemen would think about this.

4. Of course, even a monk has to take a swig of beer now and then.

Interestingly, the association with monks and beer goes way back to the Middle Ages. In fact, it's not unusual for German monks to brew beer. The Bavarian monks at my college Saint Vincent in Latrobe did at some point as well.

Interestingly, the association with monks and beer goes way back to the Middle Ages. In fact, it’s not unusual for German monks to brew beer. The Bavarian monks at my college Saint Vincent in Latrobe did at some point as well.

5. For Ocktoberfest, show your love for the U-S-of-A with this beer stein of a bald eagle on a motorcycle.

Seems like this eagle is too big for his ride. Also, he's not wearing a helmet. Besides, why ride a motorcycle when he could just fly? Then again, it's all about symbolism, is it?

Seems like this eagle is too big for his ride. Also, he’s not wearing a helmet. Besides, why ride a motorcycle when he could just fly? Then again, it’s all about symbolism, is it?

6. As they say, nobody is happier on Ocktoberfest than a pig in lederhosen.

A pig dancing in lederhosen. And it has big tusks, too. Still, this is pretty tacky if you ask me.

A pig dancing in lederhosen. And it has big tusks, too. Still, this is pretty tacky if you ask me.

7. If you like Hollywood glamour and think diamonds are a girl’s best friend, then these Marilyn Monroe beer steins are for you.

I don't know about these. Yes, Marilyn Monroe was an American icon. But does she really belong on a beer stein? At least a commemorative beer stein with Marlene Dietrich, Conrad Veidt, or Peter Lorre would be more understandable.

I don’t know about these. Yes, Marilyn Monroe was an American icon. But does she really belong on a beer stein? At least a commemorative beer stein with Marlene Dietrich, Conrad Veidt, or Peter Lorre would be more understandable.

8. Celebrate America this Ocktoberfest with a beer stein depicting Thomas Kinkade’s painting of the US Capitol.

Yes, Thomas Kinkade beer steins do exist unfortunately. For some reason a bad artist like Kinkade has his fans. Still, kill it, kill it with fire.

Yes, Thomas Kinkade beer steins do exist unfortunately. For some reason a bad artist like Kinkade has his fans. Still, kill it, kill it with fire.

9. In the future there will be portals, which will allow you to take your beer from the tap from anywhere.

Now this seems quite interesting. Some people might wish bars would operate like that all the time, especially waiters.

Now this seems quite interesting. Some people might wish bars would operate like that all the time, especially waiters.

10. Sometimes drinking on Ocktoberfest makes you feel like an old goat.

Ironically, he doesn't seem to be drinking from a stein here. Also, he's crouched over on a stump. Still, quite tacky.

Ironically, he doesn’t seem to be drinking from a stein here. Also, he’s crouched over on a stump. Still, quite tacky.

11. This card deck beer stein is perfect for any poker night.

Of course, not sure if drinking inhibits one's ability to play cards. Then again, it probably does. Still, drinking and gambling seem to go together hand in hand.

Of course, not sure if drinking inhibits one’s ability to play cards. Then again, it probably does. Still, drinking and gambling seem to go together hand in hand.

12. For those born to ride, this beer stein is for you.

Had no idea that motorcycle fans have their on beer steins. Of course, this one sports a handle in the shape of a beer tap.

Had no idea that motorcycle fans have their on beer steins. Of course, this one sports a handle in the shape of a beer tap.

13. Of course, you can’t go all out at the bar without a Moscow beer stein like this.

Now this is pretty elaborate. Hate to drink out of that thing. Wonder if Putin has a stein like this.

Now this is pretty elaborate. Hate to drink out of that thing. Wonder if Putin has a stein like this. Then again, this is probably something you could find in any Moscow souvenir store.

14. Celebrate the yuletide season with your very own Christmas beer stein.

Yes, Christmas steins do exist. However, isn't Santa supposed to have like 8-9 reindeer pulling his sleigh. Then again, it's supposed to depict Germany and they might have a different tradition.

Yes, Christmas steins do exist. However, isn’t Santa supposed to have like 8-9 reindeer pulling his sleigh. Then again, it’s supposed to depict Germany and they might have a different tradition.

15. A rustic stein like this might bring you back to nature.

Then again, perhaps boozing during hunting season isn't a good idea. I don't have to imagine what could happen. Might want to stick with something else instead.

Then again, perhaps boozing during hunting season isn’t a good idea. I don’t have to imagine what could happen. Might want to stick with something else instead.

16. Of course, a wild hog can’t go without a beer stein like this.

Wonder how he manages to fit all his animals on one motorcycle. Guess we'll never really know for sure.

Wonder how he manages to fit all his animals on one motorcycle. Guess we’ll never really know for sure.

17. Arr, drink your rum like a pirate with a stein like this.

Not sure if it's Blackbeard. But it does have a lot of nice colors. Still, we should remember that pirates during their heyday drank a lot of booze and didn't bathe or shave. Also, most of them didn't make it past 30.

Not sure if it’s Blackbeard. But it does have a lot of nice colors. Still, we should remember that pirates during their heyday drank a lot of booze and didn’t bathe or shave. Also, most of them didn’t make it past 30.

18. It’s always said that dem booze goes well with dem bones.

Well, not sure what's up with him being covered white stuff while he's sitting on a barrel. Still, this stein is more appropriate for a Halloween party.

Well, not sure what’s up with him being covered white stuff while he’s sitting on a barrel. Still, this stein is more appropriate for a Halloween party.

19. Nothing echoes the spirit of Ocktoberfest than a dachshund in lederhosen.

Now the dachshund is another German breed. You'd know that they're wiener dogs, but they can be quite aggressive. Still, I really don't see how anyone looks good in lederhosen. Really I don't.

Now the dachshund is another German breed. You’d know that they’re wiener dogs, but they can be quite aggressive. Still, I really don’t see how anyone looks good in lederhosen. Really I don’t.

20. Help yourself to the great taste of Coors Light with this Coors Light beer stein.

Actually don't. My dad says that it's like drinking soda water with alcohol. Yeah, not a great taste.

Actually don’t. My dad says that it’s like drinking soda water with alcohol. Yeah, not a great taste.

21. Spend Ocktoberfest at the beach with this Corona Extra Blue Parrot Club beer stein.

For some reason I don't see Corona having a beer stein. I mean they're Spanish in name and usually have their commercials on sunny beaches.

For some reason I don’t see Corona having a beer stein. I mean they’re Spanish in name and usually have their commercials on sunny, tropical beaches.

22. Of course, it ain’t Ocktoberfest without some cigars.

I'm sure there might be at least some bars in Munich with a no smoking policy. Then again, not sure what I think about smoking in bars because I never go to any.

I’m sure there might be at least some bars in Munich with a no smoking policy. Then again, not sure what I think about smoking in bars because I never go to any.

23. Celebrate Halloween with a beer stein of Frankenstein’s monster.

Then again, Ocktoberfest and Halloween are in the same month. Well, sort of. Still, this is quite funny and clever. Wouldn't mind having one like that.

Then again, Ocktoberfest and Halloween are in the same month. Well, sort of. Still, this is quite funny and clever. Wouldn’t mind having one like that.

24. Those who like busty German women might enjoy a stein like this.

Now this is in pretty poor taste. Like having a boob mug or boob anything. Seriously, if a guy had this, I'd question his taste in decorating.

Now this is in pretty poor taste. Like having a boob mug or boob anything. Seriously, if a guy had this, I’d question his taste in decorating.

25. Support your local sheriff with this canine sheriff beer stein.

Appropriately it's also a German Shepherd as well. Still, it can also count as a State Trooper beer stein. I mean stateys wear the same outfits.

Appropriately it’s also a German Shepherd as well. Still, it can also count as a State Trooper beer stein. I mean stateys wear the same outfits.

26. Honor your local firefighters for their service with a stein like this.

Of course, if you live in the US, it would be even better to write to your US Congressman to show support for policy supporting 9/11 first responders. Now those people need to be treated like the heroes they are.

Of course, if you live in the US, it would be even better to write to your US Congressman to show support for policy supporting 9/11 first responders. Now those people need to be treated like the heroes they are.

27. Support your WWII veterans with this commemorative D-Day beer stein.

Of course, this might get your WWII vet grandpa in a frenzy on how he whooped the Nazis on the beaches of Normandy. Or his complaints of how Saving Private Ryan isn't historically accurate in regards to swearing.

Of course, this might get your WWII vet grandpa in a frenzy on how he whooped the Nazis on the beaches of Normandy. Or his complaints of how Saving Private Ryan isn’t historically accurate in regards to swearing.

28. Fox hunters everywhere would enjoy their very own foxhound beer stein.

We should also not forget that it's not uncommon for some fox hunters to booze up before the hunt. Yeah, would you want to see a drunk person on a horse with a gun? Not if you're right next to them Or in front of them.

We should also not forget that it’s not uncommon for some fox hunters to booze up before the hunt. Yeah, would you want to see a drunk person on a horse with a gun? Not if you’re right next to them Or in front of them.

29. Enjoy a Corona this Ocktoberfest with this gecko beer stein.

First, blue parrots and now lizards. Not sure which one I'd prefer. Still, Corona's steins really don't have the Ocktoberfest spirit in my opinion.

First, blue parrots and now lizards. Not sure which one I’d prefer. Still, Corona’s steins really don’t have the Ocktoberfest spirit in my opinion.

30. Creep out your friends this Halloween by drinking out of your very own skull beer stein.

Heard that Lord Byron used to do this all the time. However, he'd drink from actual skulls. This one is ceramic, which is significantly less disgusting.

Heard that Lord Byron used to do this all the time. However, he’d drink from actual skulls. This one is ceramic, which is significantly less disgusting.

31. With this beer stein, your Ocktoberfest is sure to be elementary.

Of course, Sherlock Holmes didn't really wear a deerstalker outfit in the books on a regular basis. That was country attire and was the Victorian equivalent of wearing camo and bright orange.

Of course, Sherlock Holmes didn’t really wear a deerstalker outfit in the books on a regular basis. That was country attire and was the Victorian equivalent of wearing camo and bright orange.

32. Honor America’s Civil War heritages with these beer steins of Robert E. Lee, Abraham Lincoln, and Ulysses S. Grant.

Now why does Robert E. Lee's stein have a Capitol dome on it? The guy fought for the Confederacy. Guess the steins all had to match in form.

Now why does Robert E. Lee’s stein have a Capitol dome on it? The guy fought for the Confederacy. Guess the steins all had to match in form.

33. Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day with your very own “Luck of the Irish” beer stein from Budweiser.

Nothing says Saint Patrick's Day than having a German-American beer brand commemorate an Irish Catholic holiday. Look, Bud, Saint Patrick's day is Guinness's turf here.

Nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day than having a German-American beer brand commemorate an Irish Catholic holiday. Look, Bud, Saint Patrick’s day is Guinness’s turf here.

34. Nothing shows the spirit of Bavaria than a beer stein of a monk making his own brew.

Yes, monks made their own beer at one point in history. And in Germany, nobody saw anything wrong with it. Not so in America as Bonifice Wimmer found out.

Yes, monks made their own beer at one point in history. And in Germany, nobody saw anything wrong with it. Not so in America as Bonifice Wimmer found out.

35. Show your high class snobbery with this Fabrege egg beer stein.

Of course, this one will probably cost an arm and a leg. Also, doesn't seem to hold a lot either. So probably not worth it.

Of course, this one will probably cost an arm and a leg. Also, doesn’t seem to hold a lot either. So probably not worth it.

36. Nothing shows the true Scottish spirit than a kilt wearing Scottie with bagpipes and golf clubs.

Don't see anything stereotypical about this one (sarcasm). Still, despite being a wee bit Scottish, I kind of find the sound of bagpipes annoying as hell.

Don’t see anything stereotypical about this one (sarcasm). Still, despite being a wee bit Scottish (well, 1/32 anyway), I find the sound of bagpipes annoying as hell.

37. Remember that all work and praying just wears a poor monk out before a beer.

Yes, I know people might think holy men shouldn't drink or make alcohol. However,  the German association with monks and beer is deeply rooted in historical fact. Monasteries made beer. Get used to it.

Yes, I know people might think holy men shouldn’t drink or make alcohol. However, the German association with monks and beer is deeply rooted in historical fact. Monasteries made beer. Get used to it.

38. Come to the farm with this Clydesdale stable beer stein, courtesy of Budweiser.

Love how the horses are sticking out the window of these. Also, always enjoyed the Budweiser Clydesdale Super Bowl commercials. Even on bad years, they weren't terrible to watch.

Love how the horses are sticking out the window of these. Also, always enjoyed the Budweiser Clydesdale Super Bowl commercials. Even on bad years, they weren’t terrible to watch.

39. Of course, I can’t do a post on beer steins for Ocktoberfest without including one with a pretzel handle.

Got to have one with a pretzel somehow. After all, pretzels are among the foods associated with Ocktoberfest. That and sausage.

Got to have one with a pretzel somehow. After all, pretzels are among the foods associated with Ocktoberfest. That and sausage.

40. Of course, who says you can’t enjoy Ocktoberfest from the seat of your pants?

Yes, this is a beer stein depicting a pair of pants from Bavaria. No, I am not making this up. Believe me, I came across this on Pinterest.

Yes, this is a beer stein depicting a pair of pants from Bavaria. No, I am not making this up. Believe me, I came across this on Pinterest.

41. Goose step your way into a Third Reich Ocktoberfest with this Nazi beer stein.

Actually don't because Hitler and his Nazi thugs were very horrible people. However, I'm showing a picture of this Nazi beer stein for historical purposes. Yes, the Nazis did celebrate Ocktoberfest and they drank from Anti-Semitic steins like these. So to my viewers, do not, under any circumstances, buy or use this stein. I repeat do not buy or use this stein.

Actually don’t because Hitler and his Nazi thugs were very horrible people. And I’m just putting it mildly. However, I’m showing a picture of this Nazi beer stein for solely historical purposes. Yes, the Nazis did celebrate Ocktoberfest and they drank from Anti-Semitic steins like these. So to my viewers, do not, under any circumstances, buy or use this stein. I repeat do not buy or use this stein.

42. Of course, beware of the muscle monster from a beer stein like this.

Now this is so creepy, especially since the monster has absolutely no skin. Just seems like he's all muscle. Maybe I think you might want to stick with the beer stein depicting Frankenstein.

Now this is so creepy, especially since the monster has absolutely no skin. Just seems like he’s all muscle. Maybe I think you might want to stick with the beer stein depicting Frankenstein.

43. Of course, steins aren’t meant for milk, but this cow print one has a down home taste.

Now this looks quite tacky. Then again, I view all animal prints that way. Still, wouldn't want to be caught dead drinking from that.

Now this looks quite tacky. Then again, I view all animal prints that way. Still, wouldn’t want to be caught dead drinking from that.

44. Nothing shows German spirit than a beer stein of a crocodile playing golf?

Now I can understand if this was made in America since gators and crocs are plentiful in the South. And Florida isn't shy to admit that. But this was made in Germany. And Germany isn't known for its crocodile population. So seriously, why?

Now I can understand if this was made in America since gators and crocs are plentiful in the South. And Florida isn’t shy to admit that. But this was made in Germany. And Germany isn’t known for its crocodile population. So seriously, why?

45. Of course, you can’t have Ocktoberfest without a beer stein of a saxaphone playing bulldog.

Well, at least the bulldog has a cigar like Winston Churchill. Still, I have to confess that I really don't associate bulldogs with big band or jazz music.

Well, at least the bulldog has a cigar like Winston Churchill. Still, I have to confess that I really don’t associate bulldogs with big band or jazz music.

46. Salute the King of Rock n’ Roll this Ocktoberfest with your very own Elvis Presley Blue Suede Shoe beer stein.

Wouldn't imagine seeing a beer stein commemorating Elvis. Nor one as tacky as this. Still, a beer stein commemorating his Vegas years would've been more appropriate.

Wouldn’t imagine seeing a beer stein commemorating Elvis. Nor one as tacky as this. Still, a beer stein commemorating his Vegas years would’ve been more appropriate.

47. Celebrate this Ocktoberfest in Gotham City with your very own beer stein of its most famous Dark Knight.

Of course, it would be interesting to know how Batman would celebrate his Ocktoberfest. I mean it's seen as a happy fun time. Batman isn't known for his cheerfulness.

Of course, it would be interesting to know how Batman would celebrate his Ocktoberfest. I mean it’s seen as a happy fun time. Batman isn’t known for his cheerfulness.

48. Celebrate the holidays with your very own Budweiser Clydesdale beer stein.

Budweiser may not make the best beer. But they're pretty smart about promoting it with their Budweiser Clydesdale steins, especially around Christmas. Because everyone loves them.

Budweiser may not make the best beer. But they’re pretty smart about promoting it with their Budweiser Clydesdale steins, especially around Christmas. Because everyone loves them.

49. For those on Wall Street, a stein with a bull and wolf stockbrokers will do nicely.

Now I know the bull stands for Bull market. So does this mean that the wolf is "the Wolf of Wall Street"? Then again, I always wonder which people on Wall Street are trying to avoid a jail sentence.

Now I know the bull stands for Bull market. So does this mean that the wolf is “the Wolf of Wall Street”? Then again, I always wonder which people on Wall Street are trying to avoid a jail sentence.

50. Enjoy Ocktoberfest in the halls of Valhalla with your very own Viking helmet beer stein.

We should be aware that the Vikings never wore horned helmets in battle. That was Wagner's doing in his operas. Also, the lid might pose a safety hazard to others. Then again, it's probably a collectible anyway.

We should be aware that the Vikings never wore horned helmets in battle. That was Wagner’s doing in his operas. Also, the lid might pose a safety hazard to others. Then again, it’s probably a collectible anyway.

51. This beer stein gives you just what the doctor ordered.

I posted a similar one for my post on mugs but it was for coffee. But I'm sure anyone who drinks out of this is bound to be drunk off their ass. I wonder if I should get this for my Uncle Frank who's a doctor. Then again, I gave him a Steeler mug last year.

I posted a similar one for my post on mugs but it was for coffee. But I’m sure anyone who drinks out of this is bound to be drunk off their ass. I wonder if I should get this for my Uncle Frank who’s a doctor. Then again, I gave him a Steeler mug last year.

52. Now this stein shows that any man can be classy in a top hat and cane.

For some reason, this stein kind of reminds me of Sir Patrick Stewart. You know Professor X and Captain Picard. Not sure why.

For some reason, this stein kind of reminds me of Sir Patrick Stewart. You know Professor X and Captain Picard. Not sure why.

53. Feast like a Hobbit this Ocktoberfest with this commemorative beer stein.

Now if you drink beer in this stein before elevencies, you might need to go on the Middle Earth Twelve Step Program. Still, nice artwork by the way.

Now if you drink beer in this stein before elevencies, you might need to go on the Middle Earth Twelve Step Program. Still, nice artwork by the way.

54. Boldly go where no man has gone before this Ocktoberfest with this one of a kind Star Trek beer stein.

According to Mr. Spock, Ocktoberfest is one of those times of year when humanity is at its most illogical. This after Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's Day, Saint Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo, New Years, and 4th of July. Meanwhile who knows where and with whom Captain Kirk wakes up on board during the festivities.

According to Mr. Spock, Ocktoberfest is one of those times of year when humanity is at its most illogical. This after Christmas, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Saint Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, New Years, and 4th of July. Meanwhile who knows where and with whom Captain Kirk wakes up on board during the festivities. And you have to feel for Dr. McCoy in sick bay.

55. Now this large stein is certainly fit for a king.

If you need a stein like this to hold your beer, I say you may need serious help, my friend. Yeah, definitely need to get to rehab or AA. Or as they say in the fairy tale world, "a Twelve-Step adventure."

If you need a stein like this to hold your beer, I say you may need serious help, my friend. Yeah, definitely need to get to rehab or AA. Or as they say in the fairy tale world, “a Twelve-Step adventure.”

56. Aristocrats in the 18th and 19th centuries preferred their steins gilded with Grecian figures.

Yes, this is an old beer stein. Unfortunately, for anyone who wants one like this, I'm afraid it's not for sale. And to quote the world's worst archaeologist, "It belongs in a museum."

Yes, this is an old beer stein. Unfortunately, for anyone who wants one like this, I’m afraid it’s not for sale. And to quote the world’s worst archaeologist, “It belongs in a museum.”

57. Commemorate Neil Armstrong’s one small step with this NASA beer stein.

Now this is the kind of stein I can imagine Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson drinking from this Ocktoberfest. Of course, if he doesn't have one like this, he'd certainly want one.

Now this is the kind of stein I can imagine Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson drinking from this Ocktoberfest. Of course, if he doesn’t have one like this, he’d certainly want one.

58. Celebrate German art with this beer stein commemorating Albrecht Durer.

Now Durer was a Renaissance painter in Germany known for his German humanist paintings and his association with the Reformation. This features some of his most famous works.

Now Durer was a Renaissance painter in Germany known for his German humanist paintings and his association with the Reformation. This features some of his most famous works.

59. Show your love for America with this commemorative beer stein of the United States Seal.

Now that's a nice beer stein. Sort of looks like a stein Obama would use. Kind of seems presidential for some reason. Yeah, probably due to the seal.

Now that’s a nice beer stein. Sort of looks like a stein Obama would use. Kind of seems presidential for some reason. Yeah, probably due to the seal. Still, like the eagle lid on it. Very majestic.

60. Celebrate Germany’s victory at the World Cup with this commemorative beer stein.

Yes, I know it's a year too late for this. But still, their men's team did win the World Cup in Rio de Janiero against Argentina.

Yes, I know it’s a year too late for this. But still, their men’s team did win the World Cup in Rio de Janiero against Argentina.

61. Celebrate the season with this beer stein depicting Santa Claus and the children.

Now I think Santa and the children are a bit creepy in this one. However, I love the Christmas tree lids though. Those are awesome.

Now I think Santa and the children are a bit creepy in this one. However, I love the Christmas tree lids though. Those are awesome.

62. Drink your beer like a Viking with this Viking beer stein horn.

Once again, Viking helmets didn't have horns, at least most of the time. Other than that, it's quite fitting. Yeah, can totally see Vikings boozing through drinking horns.

Once again, Viking helmets didn’t have horns, at least most of the time. Other than that, it’s quite fitting. Yeah, can totally see Vikings boozing through drinking horns.

63. Show off your German heritage with this badass beer stein.

Now this looks quite badass indeed. But I'm sure any German drinking with this stein is certainly having a good time this Ocktoberfest. This is especially in Munich.

Now this looks quite badass indeed. But I’m sure any German drinking with this stein is certainly having a good time this Ocktoberfest. This is especially in Munich.

64. Quench your thirst with a mason jar stein.

Now this is quite clever. And if you're not using it for boozing, you can use it for storage. Like any mason jar.

Now this is quite clever. And if you’re not using it for boozing, you can use it for storage. Like any mason jar.

65. Take a swig on the high seas with this maritime bear stein, lads.

Now this one includes a wooden ship as well as dolphins, whale, and a figurehead mermaid handle. Hope this isn't celebrating Moby Dick because we know what happened there.

Now this one includes a wooden ship as well as dolphins, whale, and a figurehead mermaid handle. Hope this isn’t celebrating Moby Dick because we know what happened there.

66. Celebrate the spirit of German engineering with this beer stein commemorating the zeppelin.

Okay, this beer stein actually commemorates the Hindenburg. Yeah, you know the one that burst into flames during the 1930s which led a radio broadcaster say, "Oh, the humanity." Then again, it could be worse. Could be Volkswagen.

Okay, this beer stein actually commemorates the Hindenburg. Yeah, you know the one that burst into flames during the 1930s which led a radio broadcaster say, “Oh, the humanity.” Then again, it could be worse. Could be Volkswagen.

67. Enjoy the city of lovers this Ocktoberfest with this beer stein of gay Paree.

Had this been in Midnight in Paris, the movie would've been way tackier than I remember it. Still, don't really think of beer steins when I think of Paris. Or France in that matter.

Had this been in Midnight in Paris, the movie would’ve been way tackier than I remember it. Still, don’t really think of beer steins when I think of Paris. Or France in that matter.

68. For those who love fire breathing dragons, this beer stein is for you.

Of course, this one is especially ferocious. Because she's a mom and you know what mother monsters are like toward their young. Still, these look very cool.

Of course, this one is especially ferocious. Because she’s a mom and you know what mother monsters are like toward their young. Still, these look very cool.

69. Celebrate the New York Giants Super Bowl win with this commemorative beer stein.

Yes, I know this happened years ago. But still, a NFL beer stein is more understandable. NFL lingerie, not so much.

Yes, I know this happened years ago. But still, a NFL beer stein is more understandable. NFL lingerie, not so much.

70. Seems like this pug is part of some barbershop quartet from what I can tell.

Yeah, I don't get the the association with beer steins and pugs. Still, like the snazzy suit, porkpie hat, and the barber pole handle.

Yeah, I don’t get the the association with beer steins and pugs. Still, like the snazzy suit, porkpie hat, and the barber pole handle.

71. For those who love death metal, this Slayer beer stein is for you.

Now even metal fans can enjoy Ocktoberfest in their own special way. Of course, there is a skull stein on this post if they have other ideas.

Now even metal fans can enjoy Ocktoberfest in their own special way. Of course, there is a skull stein on this post if they have other ideas.

72. Use the Force to celebrate this Ocktoberfest in a galaxy far, far away with your very own Star Wars beer stein.

Let's just say I'm sure celebrating Ocktoberfest at Mos Eisley might lead you to the Dark Side of the Force. Still, these include Darth Vader, Chewbacca, R2-D2, and Boba Fett. Well, at last as I can tell.

Let’s just say I’m sure celebrating Ocktoberfest at Mos Eisley might lead you to the Dark Side of the Force. Still, these include Darth Vader, Chewbacca, R2-D2, and Boba Fett. Well, at last as I can tell.

73. Celebrate Ocktoberfest in your own fantasy world, with a special World of Warcraft beer stein.

World of Warcraft is an MMO RPG on the internet. Still, why they have their own commemorative beer steins is beyond me.

World of Warcraft is an MMO RPG on the internet. Still, why they have their own commemorative beer steins is beyond me.

74. Danes, embrace your Viking heritage with this Denmark Viking beer stein.

Once again, real Vikings regularly didn't wear horns. Still, the ship really looks cool if you get my drift.

Once again, real Vikings regularly didn’t wear horns. Still, the ship really looks cool if you get my drift.

75. Those from Australia might delight in seeing a stein dedicated to the Land Down Under.

Of course, I'm not sure why Australia would want to have a stein for this country. Then again, Germany and Australia are known to be big beer drinking countries.

Of course, I’m not sure why Australia would want to have a stein for this country. Then again, Germany and Australia are known to be big beer drinking countries.

76. Show off your American pride this Ocktoberfest with this commemorative beer stein.

Now this one has a lid with the Liberty Bell, baby. Also has other stuff America's known for as well. Probably could be found in a lot of souvenir shops in the US during the 1970s.

Now this one has a lid with the Liberty Bell, baby. Also has other stuff America’s known for as well. Probably could be found in a lot of souvenir shops in the US during the 1970s.

77. For those who want to know the words of German folk song, look on this one.

This reminds me of a German song they sang on Animaniacs. Of course, they ended up taking the chef's clothes off and pissed him off. But, oh well. It was funny.

This reminds me of a German song they sang on Animaniacs. Of course, they ended up taking the chef’s clothes off and pissed him off. But, oh well. It was funny.

78. Drink like a warrior with these Warhammer beer steins.

Not sure what Warhammer is. Wonder if it's on the same level as World of Warcraft. Still, must be popular enough to have a line of beer steins.

Not sure what Warhammer is. Wonder if it’s on the same level as World of Warcraft. Still, must be popular enough to have a line of beer steins.

79. For those who love Theology on Tap, this papal beer stein is for you.

Yes, it commemorates the visit of Pope Benedict XVI to Germany. However, it's the only papal stein I could find. Have to make do with what you got.

Yes, it commemorates the visit of Pope Benedict XVI to Germany. However, it’s the only papal stein I could find. Have to make do with what you got.

80. Of course, nothing brings the spirit of Old Bavaria than a beer stein of Neuschwanstein.

Yes, this is a stein of Mad King Ludwig II's fairy tale castle itself. In it's day it drained the kingdom's finances in its construction. Today, it's now Bavaria's most popular tourist destination.

Yes, this is a stein of Mad King Ludwig II’s fairy tale castle itself. In it’s day it drained the kingdom’s finances in its construction. Today, it’s now Bavaria’s most popular tourist destination.

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday

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Disclaimer: This post isn’t for viewers under the legal age of 21. Those caught looking at this post under 21 will be subject to prosecution and penalty depending on their state law. For those 21 and over, please drink responsibly.

Of course, I was just kidding when I said that people under 21 aren’t permitted to view them. However, full disclosure, kids, though you may not be of legal drinking age, you won’t be prosecuted by anyone for viewing these ads. You can totally view them without legal consequences whatsoever. Just like you see them when you watch a sports game or late night TV. Hell, they even advertise alcohol on billboards, magazines, movie theaters, the Web and outside buildings. My disclaimer was a joke. In fact, I highly encourage that you view these ads since they really tell a lot about our culture in terms of drinking. You might learn something. Nevertheless, if anyone is advertising alcohol in this post, those under 21 should never click the ad under any circumstances. And I don’t care if the woman in them is hot, the animals are cute, or that everyone seems to have a good time partying. If you’re under 21, don’t click on any sponsored alcohol ads on this post.

Now I don’t usually drink alcohol. But I’m well aware of how it’s been part of the American culture since the beginning. But unlike things like racism, Anti-Catholicism, sexism, xenophobia, tobacco, and reservation culture, we tend to see booze with a more positive reverence. But like guns, capitalism, sports, and protesting, we tend to ignore the negative implications and dangers. Nevertheless, the month of August is known for 2 things in my neck of the woods: back to school and the start of the football season. And besides, I’ve already done back to school ads last year. Anyway, football is huge in the United States like you wouldn’t believe which is why it’s a big time for advertising. Now most of the ads you’d expect in football game usually consist of food, cars, booze, and boner pills. Of course, food is always advertised on TV all the time so I can’t do a post on that. So are cars but I might do one of those another time. As for boner pills, I’m not sure if there were any vintage ads pertaining to them. Though that one for Duraflame in an earlier post certainly sounded like one, but they were advertising for a whole different kind of wood there. So this leaves us booze. Like food, booze advertising is everywhere and that was the same in your parents’ and grandparents’ childhood as well save maybe between 1920-1933 for obvious reasons. And football season is one of the biggest times of the year for alcohol advertising, especially beer. However, I can go on and on about the great alcohol ads of previous generations (like Yuengling’s dogs at the bar ad which my dad has for a T-shirt). But I’m well aware that you’d be bored to tears so I’ll show some of the ones your grandparents may not want to see in their lives again. So for your viewing pleasure, here are an assortment of vintage ads with booze that don’t inspire nostalgia but feelings one might get if they wake up with a hangover wondering what happened the night before. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. But that’s to be expected. Oh, there’s a chance some of these might not be from the United States either.

  1. Two more shots for the cause with Ballantine Scotch.
Sorry, you two, but I'm sure Prohibition's been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don't like the look on that man's face for some reason.

Sorry, you two, but I’m sure Prohibition’s been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don’t like the look on that man’s face for some reason.

2. “Got a thirst for man-size pleasure?” Drink Falstaff.

I don't know about you, but the lines

I don’t know about you, but the lines “Got a thirst for Man-Size Pleasure?” have the potential of taking a whole different meaning on Grindr. And I’m sure it has nothing to do with beer or fishing. But I’m sure there may be Grindr users into that sort of thing.

3. Of course, even bunnies tend to enjoy the occasional cocktail now and then.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I'm not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit's eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he's eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I’m not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit’s eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he’s eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

4. Cool off on your Caribbean vacation with some Rhum Negrita.

Hmm....a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I'm sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I'm sure it doesn't look good with that volcano.

Hmm….a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I’m sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I’m sure it doesn’t look good with that volcano.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you a guide of Montezuma’s tequila recipes.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

6. Carrington’s Canadian Whiskey has uncommonly preferred stocks.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I'm sure there's no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I’m sure there’s no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

7. A new baby in the family is always cause for celebration.

And the only living thing who doesn't have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I'm sure the kiddies aren't even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn't fly in the US today.

And the only living thing who doesn’t have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I’m sure the kiddies aren’t even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn’t fly in the US today.

8. Rheingold: the beer for lady duck hunters.

Let's hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day's hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don't mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I'll take my chances with the bear.

Let’s hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day’s hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don’t mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I’ll take my chances with the bear.

9. Of course, just because they have scotch at the country club, doesn’t mean you should drink it during a badminton tournament.

You know you've had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you're not sure whether a

You know you’ve had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you’re not sure whether a “birdie” is referring to a shuttlecock or an actual bird. And you’re not sure which to hit.

10. Schlitz Beer: the American beer that made Milwaukee famous.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy's beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who's had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy’s beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who’s had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

11. Schlitz: The beer you want for your summer pool party.

And it seems that the beer isn't the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there's a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

And it seems that the beer isn’t the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there’s a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

12. Get that Ten High smile and double your enjoyment.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I've ever seen. And I've seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don't want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don’t want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

13. Beer is always the great tailgating drink when you’re watching the game.

Now I know that's supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I'm well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

Now I know that’s supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I’m well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

14. When it comes to company picnics, you can’t beat Schlitz.

Guess this was a way for a guy's work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

Guess this was a way for a guy’s work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

15. Black & White: Worth hunting for.

Now it's one thing to say

Now it’s one thing to say “hunting” in a figurative sense. However, booze and hunting just don’t mix despite how many people thought for centuries. But at least there’s no gun in this. Only a whip. I dread how the horses will have the deal with during the fox hunt. It’s almost tradition to drink at those events.

16. With Passport Scotch, it’s not where you’ve been, it’s where you’re going.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport's Scotch, the next place you're going is jail.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport’s Scotch, the next place you’re going is jail.

17. Remember wives and kids, when Daddy gets home from work, you better bring him his Budweiser.

If Mommy doesn't bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy's going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he'll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

If Mommy doesn’t bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy’s going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he’ll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

18. For the kids: there’s always Jingle Jokes for Little Folks.

Hmmm....selling alcohol to minors. I'm sure that won't do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

Hmmm….selling alcohol to minors. I’m sure that won’t do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

19. “I spread my wings when I discovered Smirnoff.”

So here's another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she's next to an old timey plane. Now there's nothing wrong with this picture, so long if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot's license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka which might help you spread your wings. But sometimes not in a way you'd want to.

So here’s another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she’s next to an old timey plane. Now there’s nothing wrong with this picture, if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot’s license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka and encourage young women to drink. Now I see nothing wrong with drinking at a party, ladies, but saying that drinking is liberating when it really makes you increasingly vulnerable to being violated and risky behavior. There’s a reason why you see PSAs against drunk driving. And I’ve seen Flight so I know that drinking and flying don’t mix either.

20. “End your Thanksgiving dinner in an old-fashioned blaze of glory!”

Now I know what you're thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he's really smiling because he burned his boss's turkey in revenge for all the years of enduring his abuse. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss's family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he’s really smiling because he burned his boss’s turkey in revenge for all the years of giving him crap on a minimum wage salary. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss’s family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

21. Things always seem to look better with Johnnie Walker Red.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they'll hump anything. The woman isn't as attractive as these guys think.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they’ll hump anything. The woman isn’t as attractive as these guys think.

22. Colt 45 introduces Bottoms Up: the adult game for adults.

Sure it's a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It's not cool. It's not glamorous. It's not sexy. Period.

Sure it’s a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It’s not cool. It’s not glamorous. It’s not sexy. Period.

23. For your Christmas booze, always choose Johnnie Walker.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I'm getting nightmares looking at you already.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I’m getting nightmares looking at you already. Seems more like a home invasion threat to me.

24. “Nothing washes 8 hours of stupid questions out of your mouth like Old Pebkar.”

Yeah, because he's so drunk that he can't even remember them. Also, I'm sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving?

Yeah, because he’s so drunk that he can’t even remember them. Also, I’m sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving? Will I get arrested? Did I kill anybody?

25. “You can take a White Horse anywhere.”

However, remember that they're talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let's just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

However, remember that they’re talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let’s just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

26. “Mummy always chose my clothes until I discovered Smirnoff.”

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I'm sure her karate skills won't be as much use to her as her designated driver.

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I’m sure her karate skills won’t be as much use to her as her designated driver.

27. “Relax, honey, at least I saved the beer.”

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I'm sure his wife ain't happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn't help that they're dry clean only.

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I’m sure his wife ain’t happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn’t help that they’re dry clean only.

28. “Look, honey! No hands!”

I'm sure this guy is like,

I’m sure this guy is like, “Well, that’s my girl!” Yeah, he seems to find the perfect woman who’s pretty and waits on him hand and foot. Not to mention, she also drinks Budweiser.

29. During a bear encounter, nothing helps like Old Smuggler.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn't mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I'd like to see that.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn’t mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I’d like to see that.

30. Have a Smirnoff…..in space.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

31. Cutty Sark: Scotch for the gladiators.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn't go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn’t go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

32. Income taxes due? Have a Worthington!

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

33. Walt Whitman receives a bottle of Old Crow from an admirer.

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read,

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read, “I Sing the Body Eclectic?” Yeah, I know that Maurice Minnifield would feel the same as you.

34. “In the war of oranges, Smirnoff is neutral.”

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must've come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must’ve come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

35. Take a break from chopping the tree with Petri Wine.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he's also a very dumb beaver. I'm sure he's really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he’s also a very dumb beaver. I’m sure he’s really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

36. “Wolfschmidt has the secret of making real vodka.”

Uh, I think tying a dog's mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I'm sure that's way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

Uh, I think tying a dog’s mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I’m sure that’s way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

37. “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll make Thanksgiving dinner while you can enjoy a nice cold beer with your friends.”

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It's not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It’s not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

38. Nothing makes a better kiddie drink than Rainier Beer. Just look at the happy kids frolicking around a giant beer bottle.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let's just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let’s just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

39. “I’m as sure of myself on the court…as I am when choosing scotch.”

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn't have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn't seem that he's ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn’t seem that he’s ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

40. During yellow fever season, nothing is better than Smirnoff.

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea. I mean when I hear of

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea? I mean when I hear of “yellow fever season” I sure as hell don’t imagine a couple lounging around in mosquito infested waters drinking vodka. Instead, I think of a mosquito transmitted disease that caused epidemics in the American South and actually killed people.

41. Schenley Whiskey: The preferred hard liquor for tax accountants.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don't appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don’t appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

42. “Okay, Scruffy, but this is the last one.”

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy's wife is busy gardening.

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy’s wife is busy gardening.

43. Of course, it wasn’t unusual for a man to get a beer while mowing the lawn.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn't warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor's yard.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn’t warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor’s yard.

44. Remember, Fleishmann’s Whiskey is a big buy!

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn't be smiling with glee. Rather I'd be like,

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn’t be smiling with glee. Rather I’d be like, “He needs help. He might have a drinking problem.” Wonder if he should go to AA.

45. Remember, always have a nip before you dip.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I'm sure being wasted won't prevent you from being eaten by sharks. Just saying.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I’m sure being wasted won’t prevent you from being eaten by sharks, especially if you’re drinking rum. Just saying.

46. Remember, real men drink Steel vodka while they’re working.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn't help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn’t help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

47. “Honey, can you take some beer out of the fridge to make room for the groceries?”

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he's planning a party or a tailgate. If he's not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he’s planning a party or a tailgate. If he’s not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

48. Who knew that Four Roses was the preferred drink of Frosty the Snowman?

Seems like Frosty isn't the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he's turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it,

Seems like Frosty isn’t the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he’s turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it, “spring.”

49. Colonial Pelican wants you to try some good old fashioned Mount Vernon Whiskey: The drink for the men in the locker room.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I've actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I'd find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men's locker room really unsettling.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I’ve actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I’d find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men’s locker room really unsettling.

50. Now this is Schenley Whiskey’s portrait of a “two car man.”

Who's on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he's still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don't think he'll ever drive again.

Who’s on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he’s still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don’t think he’ll ever drive again.

51. Smirnoff: The vodka for mental patients.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it's not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it’s not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

52. How to hit on a girl while on Captain Morgan: “Go up to a girl and whisper Yo-ho-ho.”

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad's advice, I swear to God you'd be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad’s advice, I swear to God you’d be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

53. PM Whiskey is known for its clear, clean taste.

Yes, this is an ad that's geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it's being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

Yes, this is an ad that’s geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it’s being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

54.With Kinsey Whiskey, you might discover how the “Rumpus Room” got its name.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist, a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the "rumpus room." Don't see anything gay about that. Wait, I kind of do.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist (who was probably bisexual), a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the “rumpus room.” Probably contains disturbing incidents involving anything long and hard.

55. Cream of Kentucky: The whiskey with the taste deranged old men prefer.

If you can't leave him alone with the kids, don't give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I'd ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

If you can’t leave him alone with the kids, don’t give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I’d ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

56. For dinner, always have Kaiser Stuhl with chicken.

I don't know about you. But while we're supposed to see a couple getting intimate, I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn't seem to be at all comfortable in this situation. Guess she's having a drink to get through it.

We’re supposed to see a couple getting intimate. I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn’t seem to be at all comfortable in this situation that she clearly regrets consenting to. Guess she’s having a drink to get through it all and hope he doesn’t call afterwards.

57. Dry Sack: “The change of pace drink that’s second to none.” It’s said that 9 out of 10 men prefer it.

If you're into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

If you’re into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

58. “Give her a Romantico Black Eye….she’ll love it!”

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn't make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink "Black Eye" and suggest that a woman would love it? There's nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn’t make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink “Black Eye” and suggest that a woman would love it? There’s nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

59. “The first thing I noticed was her big mouth.”

Maybe, but he must've thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn't hold her in a good light.

Maybe, but he must’ve thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn’t hold her in a good light.

60. Get the summer body you want with Schlitz.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would've thought that drinking Schlitz beer would've made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn't known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would’ve thought that drinking Schlitz beer would’ve made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn’t known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

61. Cutty Sark Scotch: “Here’s to the gut feelings and those who still follow them.”

By "gut feelings" do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain't intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN. One of is a dishonor for the American nation in one of the most idiotic ways possible while the other released a series of fitness videos.

By “gut feelings” do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain’t intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN.

62. “Apples for health so….Bulmer’s for me.”

I'm not sure that's what "an apple a day" means. And I'm pretty sure drinking cider won't keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would've partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

I’m not sure that’s what “an apple a day” means. And I’m pretty sure drinking cider won’t keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would’ve partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

63. For the highest on your list, choose wild turkey. After all, turkeys can’t fly without whiskey.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I've seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don't soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don't fly higher than trees and most of them don't live west of the Rockies.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I’ve seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don’t soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don’t fly higher than trees (or a quarter of a mile off the ground) and most of them don’t live west of the Rockies.

64. Merry Christmas from the Scotch turkey.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn't make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would've been more appropriate.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn’t make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would’ve been more appropriate. Also, I don’t think the turkey looks too happy.

65. Myers’ Rum: The drink for people you don’t want to meet in a dark alley.

Now I don't know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he's probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who'd send you to places like ER or ICU. If he's got a woman, then he'd be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I'd stay away from him if I were you.

Now I don’t know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he’s probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who’d send you to places like ER or ICU. If he’s got a woman, then he’d be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

66. Colt 45: The preferred drink for outer space and the future.

Now I'm sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I'm sure that they were Bob Fosse's rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Now I’m sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I’m sure that they were Bob Fosse’s rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey.

67. Pinch Scotch: the signature drink of scary cartoon ladies.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I'll take a pass at whatever she's serving. Also, I don't think she's very happy either.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I’ll take a pass at whatever she’s serving. Also, I don’t think she’s very happy either.

68. Remember, ladies, the girl who brings the booze gets the most dudes.

And she's pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn't run out, she'll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I'm sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who's not attractive.

And she’s pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn’t run out, she’ll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I’m sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who’s not attractive.

69. As Smirnoff says, women should always look their best before going into outer space.

Sorry, but I don't think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you're talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn't fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

Sorry, but I don’t think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you’re talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn’t fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

70. Try something better with J & B Rare Scotch.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks." Then again, they're probably Kristen Stewart's parents and are always like that 24/7.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond’s “Love on the Rocks.” Then again, they’re probably Kristen Stewart’s parents and are always like that 24/7.