Be Mine With These Valentine’s Day Treats (Third Edition)

29_9_lovable-10-special-valentines-day-decoration-ideas-then-valentine-decorations-to-make

Of course, we’re now on to Valentine’s Day or the time of year people celebrate love with hearts, flowers, candy, and pink stuff in February. Lots of pink stuff. But since I am a lowly blogger, I have to keep an audience though celebration considerably varies. Though retailers always seek to cash in since it’s the biggest moneymaker holiday between Christmas and Easter. Of course, exceptions are any place selling sport gear (since the Super Bowl happens around this time), the town of Punxatawney, Pennsylvania (for Groundhog Day), the city of New Orleans and most of Louisiana (for Mardi Gras), and alcohol distributors (for Saint Patrick’s Day). Now for the last two years, I’ve done posts on Valentine’s Day treats like in the dinner setting you see above which I’m sure it’s not a romantic dinner. How can I tell? Because despite the fine setting and candles, there are places for 6 people. But I’m sure couples spend time with each other and polyamory exists. Anyway, Valentine’s Day is also a time for parties for either couples in love or people looking for love (perhaps in all the wrong places). Not to mention, if you’re in elementary school, you have to participate in Valentine’s Day festivities such as bringing Valentines and treats for the class regardless of what you think about the holiday. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another installment of Valentine’s Day treats.

  1. These heart cookies come with their own flowers.
The flowers may be small. But each heart comes in red, white, or in a shade of pink.

The flowers may be small. But each heart comes in red, white, or in a shade of pink.

2. There’s so much to love about these heart graham cracker sandwiches on a stick.

Some of these even have pink filling in them with chocolate. Though I hope the pink isn't strawberry flavored because that combination tastes disgusting.

Some of these even have pink filling in them with chocolate. Though I hope the pink isn’t strawberry flavored because that combination tastes disgusting.

3. Like footprints, the love in these shoe cookies is always imprinted in one’s sole. I mean soul.

Sure they may look cute at one angle. However, they may suggest stomping on one's love at another.

Sure they may look cute at one angle. However, they may suggest stomping on one’s love at another.

4. This Valentine heart cake is bursting with hearts and flowers.

I'm sure what's sticking out of this cake isn't edible. But it's a stroke of genius.

I’m sure what’s sticking out of this cake isn’t edible. But it’s a stroke of genius.

5. Spread the love at your Valentine’s Day party with this hearty snack tray.

Includes, Ritz crackers, carrots, cucumbers, cheese, and salami. Because baloney is not appropriate for it's a lunchmeat attached to a name that also means bullshit.

Includes, Ritz crackers, carrots, cucumbers, cheese, and salami. Because baloney is not appropriate for it’s a lunchmeat attached to a name that also means bullshit.

6. These Oreo cheescake hearts offer so much to love.

And both are topped with whipped cream. Though they kind of resemble cookies.

And both are topped with whipped cream. Though they kind of resemble cookies.

7. These Valentine’s Day roll cakes will find their way to your heart.

Though let's keep cardiovascular disease out of this. But you have to love the white polka dots and heart.

Though let’s keep cardiovascular disease out of this. But you have to love the white polka dots and heart.

8. If you want to please your loved one this Valentine’s Day, say it with cupcakes.

Well, this is a cute display. Like all the pink, red, and white hearts. Though these were probably made at a bakery.

Well, this is a cute display. Like all the pink, red, and white hearts. Though these were probably made at a bakery.

9. Heart cookies don’t always have to be in pink, red, or white.

You can also find hearts in yellow, orange, green, blue, or purple. Lovely.

You can also find hearts in yellow, orange, green, blue, or purple. Lovely.

10. You can’t help but love these Rice Krispie treat heart mice.

Though you might not want to eat those ears. Those candy hearts are made from sugary chalk.

Though you might not want to eat those ears. Those candy hearts are made from sugary chalk.

11. These Cupid kabobs are awfully fruity.

Well, at least they won't cause much strain to your heart. But calling them "Cupid kabobs" not sure if the name has a ring to it.

Well, at least they won’t cause much strain to your heart. But calling them “Cupid kabobs” not sure if the name has a ring to it.

12. These candy heart cake pops always send a lovely message.

And they probably taste better than the real chalk filled candy hearts that have Necco in business. Available in any color you want.

And they probably taste better than the real chalk filled candy hearts that have Necco in business. Available in any color you want.

13. A heart cheese tray should come with two types of grapes.

However, whether to serve it with wine is optional. Though it might make you look French if you do.

However, whether to serve it with wine is optional. Though it might make you look French if you do.

14. You can say it with roses or rose strawberries.

Though at least they're healthy. Though they may look like a poor imitation.

Though at least they’re healthy. Though they may look like a poor imitation.

15. You can always serve your Valentine’s Day dinner with some heart shaped bread.

Not sure what they're supposed to be sprinkled with. But I'd certainly eat them.

Not sure what they’re supposed to be sprinkled with. But I’d certainly eat them.

16. These candy heart cookies are full of surprises.

In that, they're hollow and contain M&Ms in them. Also available in envelopes, too,

In that, they’re hollow and contain M&Ms in them. Also available in envelopes, too,

17. How about some heart shaped donuts with your coffee?

And you have to love the chocolate glaze and sprinkles. However, these can cause coronaries.

And you have to love the chocolate glaze and sprinkles. However, these can cause coronaries.

18. This pink heart Valentine’s cake comes with all the frills.

I'm sure it would go well on any Valentine's Day party dessert platter. Just as long as it doesn't clash with a male guest's birthday.

I’m sure it would go well on any Valentine’s Day party dessert platter. Just as long as it doesn’t clash with a male guest’s birthday.

19. Hope these custard hand pies find a way to your heart.

Though I don't exactly mean literally in this case. Still, like the sprinkles and small hearts.

Though I don’t exactly mean literally in this case. Still, like the sprinkles and small hearts.

20. A Valentine’s Day cake should always be decked with roses.

Yet, the roses here are small and made of icing. Still, I think it's so pretty.

Yet, the roses here are small and made of icing. Still, I think it’s so pretty.

21. If your sweetheart loves cookies and puzzles, I have just the thing.

Yes, it's a cookie crossword puzzle for Valentine's Day. Some have the squares. Others have clues.

Yes, it’s a cookie crossword puzzle for Valentine’s Day. Some have the squares. Others have clues.

22. These homemade pies are simply covered in hearts.

Though it's possible their crusts were made from the same dough. Yet, each has a different filling.

Though it’s possible their crusts were made from the same dough. Yet, each has a different filling.

23. With cookies like these, your Valentine’s Day is a fancy affair.

These were definitely made in a bakery. But yes, cookie decor can get that intricate.

These were definitely made in a bakery. But yes, cookie decor can get that intricate.

24. Nobody could resist these chocolate bears.

Because each of these has a real big heat. Yes, they're cookies but they're so cute.

Because each of these has a real big heat. Yes, they’re cookies but they’re so cute.

25. These mini pizzas make the perfect Valentine’s Day lunch.

And they don't contain many toppings either. Because we're talking about a small space.

And they don’t contain many toppings either. Because we’re talking about a small space.

26. In this bento lunch, your child will delight in these two lovebirds.

Sure they may be sandwiches with hearts on them. But they're lovely just the same.

Sure they may be sandwiches with hearts on them. But they’re lovely just the same.

27. These cannoli cones have a real chocolate touch.

Yet, I'm sure they contain a lot of icing in them. Since they're made from ice cream cones.

Yet, I’m sure they contain a lot of icing in them. Since they’re made from ice cream cones.

28. A bento like this contains 2 hearty sandwiches.

Okay, it looks like part of a clover. But still, this was made for Valentine's Day. Includes a dessert of chalk hearts.

Okay, it looks like part of a clover. But still, this was made for Valentine’s Day. Includes a dessert of chalk hearts.

29. Impress your sweethearts with these homemade candy hearts.

However, these are sugar candy on paper. So they may not taste appealing.

However, these are sugar candy on paper. So they may not taste appealing.

30. Make your Valentine’s Day wonderful with a hearty ham sandwich.

The bread also comes pressed for some reason. Hope you enjoy.

The bread also comes pressed for some reason. Hope you enjoy.

31. Bacon hearts make a worthy side to a Valentine’s Day breakfast.

However, they may not be great on your arteries though. Since we all know that bacon should be used as a side for a reason.

However, they may not be great on your arteries though. Since we all know that bacon should be used as a side for a reason.

32. This jello dish contains pink shades and strawberries.

Okay, it also has a lot of red in it, too. But at least the strawberry can be a heart shaped fruit when sliced.

Okay, it also has a lot of red in it, too. But at least the strawberry can be a heart shaped fruit when sliced.

33. Now you can pick your lipstick shade on a cupcake.

Though they're not in shades most women usually use. Seriously, gold lips? Why?

Though they’re not in shades most women usually use. Seriously, gold lips? Why?

34. Red velvet pancakes are always part of a complete Valentine’s Day breakfast.

Think of red velvet as the V-Day equivalent of pumpkin spice. Though it doesn't enjoy the same reputation since it's not ridiculous.

Think of red velvet as the V-Day equivalent of pumpkin spice. Though it doesn’t enjoy the same reputation since it’s not ridiculous.

35. With red heart waffles you can make a stunning V-Day display at breakfast.

Hey, at least it's not as bad as whatever they serve at IHOP. Though it does seem more like dessert in some way.

Hey, at least it’s not as bad as whatever they serve at IHOP. Though it does seem more like dessert in some way.

36. There’s so much to love about these strawberry hearts in this bento box.

The strawberries even have eyes and limbs. There are also heart treats and flowers.

The strawberries even have eyes and limbs. There are also heart treats and flowers.

37. A chocolate heart cake should always have the appropriate sprinkles.

I'm sure plenty of women would love a cake like this from their significant other. Love the chocolate icing.

I’m sure plenty of women would love a cake like this from their significant other. Love the chocolate icing.

38. For Valentine’s Day, you might enjoy chocolate cookies with glittery hearts.

Not sure where they'd have glitter sprinkles. But hey, I'd take them.

Not sure where they’d have glitter sprinkles. But hey, I’d take them.

39. On a white heart cake, be sure to have pink flowers.

Though I'm not sure whether these are fake or made from icing. Still, gives a nice touch.

Though I’m not sure whether these are fake or made from icing. Still, gives a nice touch.

40. You can’t find anything not to love about these love bug cupcakes.

At any rate, these are a great treat idea for kids. After all, they're simply adorable.

At any rate, these are a great treat idea for kids. After all, they’re simply adorable.

41. Treat yourself this Valentine’s Day to some hearty salad.

However, I'm not sure if this one contains a lot of vegetables. But it has a vinaigrette dressing.

However, I’m not sure if this one contains a lot of vegetables. But it has a vinaigrette dressing.

42. For Valentine’s Day, you can’t have a candle dinner without some heart ravioli.

Yes, I had on heart ravioli before. But it wasn't served in sauce like this.

Yes, I had on heart ravioli before. But it wasn’t served in sauce like this.

43. Spread the love on Valentine’s Day with these heart-shaped buns.

I'm sure they won't be heard to make. Though you may not help but adore them.

I’m sure they won’t be heard to make. Though you may not help but adore them.

44. This cake roll has chocolate hearts all over it.

Yes, it's another cake roll. But this one is pink with chocolate hearts. And it has a darker pink heart in the center.

Yes, it’s another cake roll. But this one is pink with chocolate hearts. And it has a darker pink heart in the center.

45. For Valentine’s Day, your sweetheart might want a fruit breakfast like this.

It's proof that your loved one cares not about how you feel but also your health. Then again, it may depend.

It’s proof that your loved one cares not about how you feel but also your health. Then again, it may depend.

46. For your Valentine’s Day breakfast, treat yourself to some pancake hearts.

These have hearts in them. Some of them are red as you see here.

These have hearts in them. Some of them are red as you see here.

47. A candy heart cheese cake is just the thing for Valentine’s Day.

Still, however it tastes, it'll probably be better than the candies that inspired it. Seriously, those candies taste like chalk.

Still, however it tastes, it’ll probably be better than the candies that inspired it. Seriously, those candies taste like chalk.

48. A Valentine’s Day cake should always be covered in red roses.

Not sure if the roses are fake or made from icing. But I really love this beautiful cake.

Not sure if the roses are fake or made from icing. But I really love this beautiful cake.

49. This large cookie heart proves that love can take all forms even chocolate chip.

And what's better than a chocolate chip heart cookie? Not much as far as I know.

And what’s better than a chocolate chip heart cookie? Not much as far as I know.

50. These XO pancakes are all kisses and hugs.

Still, nobody uses X's and O's anymore than for V-Day. Mostly because we have emojis.

Still, nobody uses X’s and O’s anymore than for V-Day. Mostly because we have emojis.

51. Grace your appetizer platter this Valentine’s Day with some arrow snacks.

Consist of cheese and cherry tomatoes in a toothpick. So they're easy to make with little trouble.

Consist of cheese and cherry tomatoes in a toothpick. So they’re easy to make with little trouble.

52. Now this is the kind of V-Day breakfast in bed.

This one consist of muffins, a donut, a pancake, and raspberries. But it all spells, "Love."

This one consist of muffins, a donut, a pancake, and raspberries. But it all spells, “Love.”

53. For healthier options a V-Day veggie pizza will do.

And consist of vegetables it does. I'm sure your heart will thank you for not going with pepperoni.

And consist of vegetables it does. I’m sure your heart will thank you for not going with pepperoni.

54. There’s nothing romantic on Valentine’s Day like a spaghetti dinner.

This is especially when it's shaped in a heart. Might want to put some Parmesan on that though.

This is especially when it’s shaped in a heart. Might want to put some Parmesan on that though.

55. For Valentine’s Day a hotdog dish of mac and cheese is served with love.

Well, this was made with one hotdog for the heart. But I bet this dish doesn't do wonders for the arteries.

Well, this was made with one hotdog for the heart. But I bet this dish doesn’t do wonders for the arteries.

56. This pasta dish is served with alfredo and red peppers.

And the red peppers are in hearts. Yes, this is quite lovely and creative.

And the red peppers are in hearts. Yes, this is quite lovely and creative.

57. Children will delight in this Cupid pig sandwich.

Well, that's a creative spin on the Greek god of love. Still, it's adorable and original.

Well, that’s a creative spin on the Greek god of love. Still, it’s adorable and original.

58. These rose mini cupcakes almost resemble the real flowers.

Well, to a point, anyway. But I love how these were made. Makes me wonder how these icing roses were possible.

Well, to a point, anyway. But I love how these were made. Makes me wonder how these icing roses were possible.

59. These Valentine’s Day heart cookies come with wings.

Well, some hearts do come with them on V-Day. Nevertheless, wouldn't mind having them at a party.

Well, some hearts do come with them on V-Day. Nevertheless, wouldn’t mind having them at a party.

60. Grace your dessert platter this Valentine’s Day with this chocolate pudding heart cake.

And it sure looks incredibly tempting. Must resist now.

And it sure looks incredibly tempting. Must resist now.

61. These nutter butter owl Valentine cookies are surely a hoot.

Yes, I know owls don't have much to do with V-Day. But these owls are so irresistible.

Yes, I know owls don’t have much to do with V-Day. But these owls are so irresistible.

62. A V-Day cake like this is decked with flowers on the edges.

And they're not roses. Kind of has a spring feel to it if you ask me.

And they’re not roses. Kind of has a spring feel to it if you ask me.

63. These love bug marshmallow cookies will get under your skin.

Yes, they resemble ladybugs and have hearts on their backs. Adorable.

Yes, they resemble ladybugs and have hearts on their backs. Adorable.

64. No one could resist the allure of these chocolate cupcakes.

Now these have candy hearts I actually like. Because it's almost impossible not to like chocolate.

Now these have candy hearts I actually like. Because it’s almost impossible not to like chocolate.

65. These peanut butter Valentine cookies make a tasty treat on a cold day.

Well, at least they seem doable. Though they're not too flashy.

Well, at least they seem doable. Though they’re not too flashy.

66. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without these love bug Oreo truffles.

Well, they don't exactly look like bugs. But they're pretty adorable that you wouldn't care.

Well, they don’t exactly look like bugs. But they’re pretty adorable that you wouldn’t care.

67. Speaking of truffles, check out this truffle topped heart cake.

I'm sure this will be really hard to resist. Still, is that what truffles really look like?

I’m sure this will be really hard to resist. Still, is that what truffles really look like?

68. You can’t go wrong on Valentine’s Day with a candy cane heart cake.

Not sure if those candy canes were left over from Christmas though. Then again, I'll allow it.

Not sure if those candy canes were left over from Christmas though. Then again, I’ll allow it.

69. How about a cupcake with a chocolate rose?

Yes, it's probably professionally made. But the detail is so unreal that you'd wonder whether it's edible.

Yes, it’s probably professionally made. But the detail is so unreal that you’d wonder whether it’s edible.

70. Instead of heart cookies, how about heart cookie pieces?

On one hand, this is a creative and original idea. On the other hand, it might come a bit off as stalkerish to say the least.

On one hand, this is a creative and original idea. On the other hand, it might come a bit off as stalkerish to say the least.

71. Even the smallest hearts can be just as sweet.

These are Valentine's Day mini cookies. And they're all in red, white, as well as shades of pink.

These are Valentine’s Day mini cookies. And they’re all in red, white, as well as shades of pink.

72. Chocolate lovers everywhere would enjoy these ganache heart tartlets on V-Day.

Each one has small hearts of a variety of different colors, too. Love these.

Each one has small hearts of a variety of different colors, too. Love these.

73. Instead of candy hearts, these cookies will be just fine for your sweetheart.

Each one of these has their own sayings. I'm sure plenty would want their significant others to make them.

Each one of these has their own sayings. I’m sure plenty would want their significant others to make them.

74. These V-Day candy cake pops are better than a box of chocolates.

Because you probably know what you're going to get from them. With real chocolates, it's more complicated.

Because you probably know what you’re going to get from them. With real chocolates, it’s more complicated.

75. Pancakes on V-Day can always come from the heart.

Yes, I have V-Day pancakes again. But they're done in a different style than the others.

Yes, I have V-Day pancakes again. But they’re done in a different style than the others.

76. Show your loved ones you care on Valentine’s Day with these heart pockets.

They're homemade hot pockets. Not sure if every bite in them is a different temperature though.

They’re homemade hot pockets. Not sure if every bite in them is a different temperature though.

77. Seems like there’s something special in that bento lunch.

Still, I surely hope the sandwich isn't full of baloney. Then again, I'm not talking about the lunch meat here.

Still, I surely hope the sandwich isn’t full of baloney. Then again, I’m not talking about the lunch meat here.

78. This Valentine’s Day, have a hand in your heart.

Well, they're hand cookies with hearts in them. And they're in different colors to illustrate diversity.

Well, they’re hand cookies with hearts in them. And they’re in different colors to illustrate diversity.

79. A Valentine’s Day cake like this is jammed packed with all kinds of hearts.

Well, they have red, white, and chocolate. And they seemed to be made from pretzels as far as I know.

Well, they have red, white, and chocolate. And they seemed to be made from pretzels as far as I know.

80. These chocolate bear cupcakes will make your heart melt.

They have Ree's minicup heads and hands of chocolate icing. Nevertheless, they're just adorable.

They have Ree’s minicup heads and hands of chocolate icing. Nevertheless, they’re just adorable.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Fourth Edition)

6722051157d0f740e05acb93184f0656.jpg

Now that I got some Fuckface von Clownstick inaugural angst out of the way, I should now get into the Valentine’s Day posts. And what better way to start off than with a collection of political incorrectness of crazy vintage valentines? I mean these posts have been quite successful for some time and I know plenty might see it as the only fun part of the holiday. Because like me, there are many people who spend Valentine’s Day single and sometimes going to the store seeing the hearts, candy, stuffed toys, and what not can really get to you. Of course, when people think of valentine cards, they think cutesy heart cards like this one above depicting a couple in love. Yet, if I devoted a post to all the lovey dovey valentines, you’d probably throw up. So instead, I decided to go with vintage valentines that you wouldn’t believe actually existed. I mean people sent these to each other. So I give you yet another installment of unruly vintage valentines for you to love in an unintentionally hilarious way.

  1. If you receive a valentine like this, then your sweetheart must work for the Pentagon.
Okay, I don't think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

Okay, I don’t think weapons inspired valentines are a good idea. And phallic imagery is the least of my worries here.

2. For your Semper Fi sweetheart, this Marine valentine is a real marine.

And here he's preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn't help that the sentiment includes "aim to make you mine." Mine what? Shooting target?

And here he’s preparing to shoot off his gun. Doesn’t help that the sentiment includes “aim to make you mine.” Mine what? Shooting target?

3. Guess it seems time for a commercial on this one.

Hey, I'm all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

Hey, I’m all for grand expressions of love and all. But a televised valentine is just going way too far. Seriously, you need help.

4. Nothing says romance on Valentine’s Day like allusions to shellfish.

It's also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it's on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

It’s also a marriage proposal card, too, which is even more disturbing. I mean unless it’s on a plate, do lobsters ever scream romance? No.

5. Speaking of sea life, check out this crazed fish hungry for a valentine.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it's wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

I know this is supposed to be a fish but the fact it has a snout full of teeth kind of baffles me. Not to mention, it’s wearing some sort of skimpy diving outfit.

6. Nothing will make you feel valued like a valentine featuring a calf.

Uh, I don't think you'd want to use the word "veal" when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

Uh, I don’t think you’d want to use the word “veal” when pertaining to a calf. Also, it seems to stomp on the valentine.

7. “Okay, no tricky moves from you! This is a hold up, see?”

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who's armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

I guess the sex costume here is Wild West prostitute who’s armed and dangerous. Then again, I think a guy might want to stay away from her.

8. “I’m prepared to meet your best defense, Valentine, so you’d better be mine!”

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn't want him, she doesn't want him. He can't force himself on her.

Okay, I think this boy might as well give up. No need for the wooden swords and pots and pans. If she doesn’t want him, she doesn’t want him. He can’t force himself on her.

9. This Native American prefers to have a heart roasted.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn't raise eyebrows, the speech should.

Okay, this is kind of offensive to Native Americans. If the heart roasting doesn’t raise eyebrows, the speech should.

10. “Gosh, Valentine, don’t you just like me a ‘weenie bit?'”

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, "I'm so desperate for a girlfriend that I'll settle for anything at this point." Also, don't tell me 'weenie bit' means what I think it does.

Of course, this can also be interpreted as, “I’m so desperate for a girlfriend that I’ll settle for anything at this point.” Also, don’t tell me ‘weenie bit’ means what I think it does.

11. “Hose your valentine? Me!”

From Buzzfeed: "I believe there is now an Adult film with this title." Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

From Buzzfeed: “I believe there is now an Adult film with this title.” Yeah, he seems to be squeezing the nozzle a little too hard.

12. “Can’t measure my love!”

But if you can't measure one's love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

But if you can’t measure one’s love, what can you measure? Oh, wait, I think I see what might be going on here.

13. Happy Valentine’s Day, now enjoy this picture of a creepy clown dog on the violin.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It's not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

This dog fiddler is the stuff of nightmares. It’s not cute, especially since it has crossed eyes. Look away, I beg of you.

14. Speaking of clowns, hope this one doesn’t play a joke.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you'd want to bring to a kid's birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

Okay, this clown makes the Joker seem like the guy you’d want to bring to a kid’s birthday party. Even more disturbing is how he has his hand sticking out of the heart. Creepy.

15. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with love in a sausage.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I'm not fooled by the sausage bit.

However, judging by the sausage, this guy may not be looking for love. Yeah, I’m not fooled by the sausage bit.

16. “A valentine for you, I can’t help ‘mooning over you!'”

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl's legs. Oh, and she's holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

But explain to me how that rocket seems conveniently located between this girl’s legs. Oh, and she’s holding a rocket in her hand. I think I know why she might be mooning.

17. “I don’t want you to be my brother, I want you to be my valentine!”

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman's face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain'y don't match.

Okay, that message is a little creepy and I saw Luke kissing Leia in The Empire Strikes Back. However, that woman’s face makes me even more uncomfortable because the skin tones certain’y don’t match.

18. “Come down ‘off your perch’ and be my valentine, you’d be a ‘birdie.'”

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

The fact she says this in a bird cage really makes me cringe. I guess she really wants a guy to get her out of there.

19. “Do you ‘tank’ you could love me?”

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

Not if you aim an actual tank at me asking that question. Seriously, military weapons have no place in valentines at all.

20. “I’m gonna plow right in and ask you to be my valentine.”

Okay, I really don't have a great feeling about this. But at least it's not being particularly forceful as far as I'm concerned.

Okay, I really don’t have a great feeling about this. But at least it’s not being particularly forceful as far as I’m concerned.

21. “I’ll camp and tramp until I find a girl like you for my valentine!”

So I guess this guy says, "So you better settle down with me or else, I'm going to spend my days as a homeless guy." Also helps if the girl's loaded with cash.

So I guess this guy says, “So you better settle down with me or else, I’m going to spend my days as a homeless guy.” Also helps if the girl’s loaded with cash.

22. Lovers, always beware of Cupid.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that's depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

Is Cupid supposed to be the African tribesman that’s depicted in highly racist caricature? Got it.

23. “To be ‘frank,’ you’re ‘hot stuff!'”

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there's fire down below and she's holding the hotdog a little too tight.

Sure she may look innocent with her hotdog and fire tongs. But there’s fire down below and she’s holding the hotdog a little too tight.

24. This archer aims for your heart.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can't actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

But whether he means to love you or kill you, I can’t actually decide. But he seems to have his bow and arrows out either way.

25. “Want a little ‘harem scarem,’ for your valentine?”

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

Uh, girl, do you know what a harem is? If you do, are implying that you want group sex or an open relationship? Or do you just want to wear a skimpy costume?

26. “I’ve got my eyes on you, dear valentine!”

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that's not cute. That's terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

However, a girl with a heart head is the stuff of nightmares. No, that’s not cute. That’s terrifying for a V-Day horror movie.

27. “I love being ;pushed around,’ valentine! I’m yours!”

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that's what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that's kind of dirty.

You mean pushed around sucking real loud? Because that’s what vacuums do. Oh, wait, that’s kind of dirty.

28. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being aimed at with a machine gun.

Sure that's a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

Sure that’s a military themed valentine. But still, having a machine gun in one is just fucked up. Seriously, why?

29. Speaking of military weapons, get a load of this cannon.

Seems like he's a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn't a metaphor for an erection.

Seems like he’s a bit happier than expected. Hope the large gun isn’t a metaphor for an erection.

30. As we all know, a nudist is bad at hiding who she fancies.

I know what you're thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I'm still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

I know what you’re thinking. How can they have a naked girl on a valentine like this? I’m still asking that question. Yes, she needs to get some clothes on.

31. “My heart pants for you!”

And it's hung with a bunch of women's undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

And it’s hung with a bunch of women’s undies on the clothes line. I can guess the hidden meaning behind that one.

32. “You will get a big piece if you will be my valentine!”

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn't make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

Sorry, but a dog butcher doesn’t make this valentine any less disturbing. This is especially when it has a heart on table and cleaver in paw.

33. “Light of my life, do I satisfy?”

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

Now that can be read in any number of ways. One of them being sexually which might be what this tom cat is implying.

34. This Valentine’s Day, you should always have 2 on a seesaw.

Up, down, just decide and don't lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people's hearts on the playground.

Up, down, just decide and don’t lead on. Of course, there are those who tend to play games with people’s hearts on the playground.

35. Hand over your heart, or else.

Because nothing says Valentine's Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like the threat of lethal violence. How romantic!

36. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine!”

So I guess this means, "If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces." Sorry, but I'll take that risk.

So I guess this means, “If you say no, I shall have to chop you to pieces.” Sorry, but I’ll take that risk.

37. Any boy would wish to have a space themed valentine.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

Kind of reminds me of Slim Pickens riding on a missile in Dr. Strangelove. Then again, it might imply something dirtier.

38. “You’re my valentine, sure as shooting.”

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

And he has his gun aimed like a true buckaroo. Yes, I find these gun valentines quite disturbing as always.

39. Looks like some fox’s got caught in a trap.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he'd die. But in the meantime, he'll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

And he needs his valentine to open it to let his tail out. Or else he’d die. But in the meantime, he’ll just sit and smell the flowers. No need to hurry.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from the girl who’s trying to lose weight for you.

By the way, that's an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn't work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don't do it for a man.

By the way, that’s an old weight loss contraption called a fan belt. And no, it doesn’t work. Still, ladies, if you try to lose weight, don’t do it for a man.

41. Even sharks need some loving some time.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don't think he's the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

However, this green suited guy is a card shark. So I don’t think he’s the best kind of boyfriend. Because he might have a gambling problem. Or eat you alive.

42. “Slicing baloney is not my line. I love you, my valentine.”

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don't need that in my life.

Okay, I might want to stay away from this creepy butcher. Really don’t need that in my life.

43. If you want to show your appreciation to your teacher, this is the valentine for you.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn't help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

On the other hand, teacher-student relationships should never be encouraged in any circumstances whatsoever. Doesn’t help the kid is dressed in a sailor suit and holding a ruler.

44. “I’m ready to show plenty of action, valentine, if you consent to be mine.”

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

Well, at least this boy is better about consent then the guys in some of these cards. But the projection is still kind of dirty.

45. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like being just out of the shower.

It's valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

It’s valentines like these that make me suspect that these vintage cards were made for adults. This especially goes for the ones with people naked like this.

46. “Let’s have a real blow out today!”

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that's how I take it away from this picture.

Or is it supposed to be blowjob? Because that’s how I take it away from this picture.

47. Here’s a card that says, “Be my valentine, I’ll do anything like the housework.”

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he'll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores.

Well, this boy may not have much going for him. But he’ll probably succeed in picking up chicks though he may not like doing chores. Still, he’s kind of creepy.

48. “Pick out a heart but be sure it’s mine, valentine!”

Hmmm...not sure if that's going to work since the two really don't see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

Hmmm…not sure if that’s going to work since the two really don’t see eye to eye. This particularly the case when one has a freakishly long neck like an ostrich or a giraffe.

49. “Don’t be afraid, you’re going to be my valentine!”

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you're being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

Uh, girl, you have every right to be afraid right now. Because you’re being pursued by a monstrous shadow with a card. Yeah, run for your life now.

50. If you won’t be mind, then I’ll fade away until I’m all bones, you bonehead.

I'm sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart's a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

I’m sure this would be perfect if your sweetheart’s a goth. Still, such sentiments from someone might mean they really need a therapist.

Valentine’s Day Gifts That Really Kill the Romance

ValentineS-Day-Gifts-For-Girlfriend-Tumblr-3

For some couples, it’s not unusual to buy gifts for each other to express their mutual love. As for a perpetually single woman like me, I usually receive gifts of candy from my parents. Nevertheless, unless it pertains to expensive jewelry, most Valentine’s Day gifts shouldn’t be too expensive. For women, candy, roses, and a possible stuff toy will do. Jewelry is fine,too. For men, well, candy and whatever they like because Valentine’s Day isn’t the best holiday for guy gifts. Now I can talk about the best Valentine’s gifts to give your significant other all I want. But I know that you would find it boring that you’d avoid me like the plague. So instead, I’ll show you a treasure trove of possible Valentine’s Day gifts you want to avoid. Some of these are rather inappropriate. Some are just tacky beyond belief. Some are sexist. And some will more than ensure a Valentine’s Day breakup. And Valentine’s Day is the worst day for breaking up isn’t it? So for your reading pleasure, here are some stuff you want to avoid giving your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day. Some of these aren’t safe for work by the way.

  1. Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow
41+l8YeNBsL._SX425_

Because there’s no gift on Valentine’s Day that says “I love you, but I’m not big on giving you affection.” That or “if your’re starved for hugs, don’t come to me.”

2. Deluxe Comfort Boyfriend Body Pillow

41VjW21PcaL._SX300_

It’s the kind of Valentine’s Day gift you’d expect Spock to give Uhura in the Star Trek movies. You know to show that he cares.

3. Luxury Plush Body Wrap/Blanket

202081-z1

Things are sure to heat up on Valnentine’s Day wen your girlfriend puts on a dress made out of a sleeping back. C’mon, look at that sexy lady. She looks totally hot in this sexy uh, thing.

4. Control a Woman Remote Control

9708193_600x400

Okay, I know this is supposed to be a gag gift. But it’s just so wrong on so many levels. For one, it’s incredibly sexist toward women. Second, it doesn’t work. Trust me.

5. Romantic Sweetheart Mini Garden Planter

il_570xN.549008003_j5vp

Well, “romantic sweetheart” for those who are members of the Munsters or the Addams Family. Still, this is incredibly creepy.

6. The Sweat-heart Sweet-shirt

enhanced-buzz-24846-1359405523-5

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “It’s a sweatshirt built for two! So whether you want to take a walk in the park, go tailgating at a football game, or just to snuggle on the couch, the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt will make sure your honey can’t escape.” Okay, that’s a little too close for comfort. Love that guy’s face though.

7. Smittens

smittens

From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Smittens are perfect for the couple who loves to hold hands, but want to have their skin touching (and probably sweating) as long as they are bound together by fabric. ” I think I’ll pass on this one.

8. Cigarette Holder for Two

valentines

Because why should it just be one of you who comes down with lung cancer? With this you can fill your lungs with tar together. And look ridiculous doing it.

9. His and Her Furniture

fabio-novembre-him-and-her-chairs

Not recommended for couples with children. Or couples who entertain a lot. Or couples who have elderly parents living with them. Or anyone who doesn’t have their home decorated like a strip club.

10. His and Her Bikini Jeans

his-and-her-pants1

Okay, some people might like denim and bikinis as much as the next person. However, this doesn’t mean the two things should be combined into one product. This just guarantees you to look stupid together.

11. Trouser Expander

pant-expanders-300x300

Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than making your boyfriend feel inadequate about his penis size. Ladies, you might want to avoid giving your man this. Seriously, don’t do it.

12. Oyster in a Can Pearl Necklace

pearl-necklace

I’ve heard of homemade necklaces but this is outrageous. Seriously, guys, as far as homemade necklaces are concerned, give your girlfriend a plastic pearl one instead.

13. Brief Jerky Edible Meat Underwear

enhanced-buzz-19008-1359068222-4

Personally, I don’t like the idea of edible underwear at all. However, these sure give a new meaning for the word, “man meat.” Seems more like a gift to give for the beef jerky in your life.

14. Cork Pants

Cork-Pants

Yes, these are homemade and this guy is a very brave man to pose for them. Nevertheless, just because you can craft something doesn’t mean you should. And these prove it.

15. Anti-Wrinkle Bra

la-decollette-anti-wrinkle-bra-white

Yes, it’s a bra that’s supposed to keep your cleavage smooth and attractive as well as fight vertical boob wrinkles. Still, don’t buy a woman this ever, unless you’re looking for a break up.

16. Hug Me Jacket

hug-me

That’s a cute name for something that seems to appear from straight out of your darkest nightmares. When I look at this, I don’t think of hugs. I think of horror.

17. Love Life Calendar

il_570xN.209047306

This calendar allows you to record exactly how you feel about the state of your relationship every single day. Not sure if that’s a Valentine’s Day worthy gift.

18. Pizza Hut Proposal

enhanced-buzz-20962-1359575826-4

When it comes to proposal dinners, this probably falls along the lines of what not to do. Unless she really likes Pizza Hut, you might want to stick to a fancy restaurant or cook the dinner yourself.

19. Elephant Poop Paper Roses

enhanced-buzz-6096-1359567706-2

Because there is nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than presenting your sweetheart paper roses made of what came out of an elephant’s ass. Sure they may be eco-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you should buy them for your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

20. His and Her Tongue Scrapers

enhanced-buzz-10969-1359563054-0

The Valentine’s gift that says, “I love you but your oral hygiene stinks.” Still, are tongue scrapers really necessary? Because for cleaning tongue, I usually use a toothbrush. It’s cheaper.

21. Fundies

enhanced-buzz-7781-1359562385-9

I know in relationships you and your partner share a lot of things like a life together. However, underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

22. Chocolate Covered Scale

enhanced-buzz-2548-1359562071-12

The kind of Valentine’s gift that says, “Heard you like chocolate and you’re fat.” The kind of gift given by some unrepentent jerk who wants to entice and ruin his girlfriend’s self-esteem at the same time.

23. Hooters Valentine’s Day Dinner Surprise

enhanced-buzz-28698-1359564746-0

Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a dinner date at a place known for its scantily clad, big boobed waitresses. Seriously, Hooters is the worst place to have a dinner date on Valentine’s Day for very obvious reasons.

24. 2-Carat Mug

enhanced-buzz-26590-1359559410-3

Sure it might come in a nice box. But don’t be fooled, ladies. He’s not proposing. He’s just giving you a Valentine’s Day gift mug. Sorry to disappoint you.

25. Diamond Ring Keychain

enhanced-buzz-7889-1359560259-0

I’m sure presenting your girlfriend with a keychain diamond ring won’t go well at all. She will not think it’s funny. In fact, she’ll probably be furious.

26. Man Crates Jerky Heart

image

Ladies, want to please your man while sending him to an early grave to high blood pressure? This is Valentine’s Day gift you’ve been waiting for. While you’re at it, have him wash them down with some Campbell’s soup. Or just give him a carton of cigarettes.

27. “You’re My Favorite Thing To Do” Mug

image (1)

From Refinery 29: “Yes, it does look like that’s one person mercilessly strangling another. And yes, that will happen to you if you gift this to your S.O.” Also, might look a bit like rape.

28. Willie Egg Fryer

image (3)

Guess this is used as a part of an R-Rated breakfast. And I see the yolks are standing in for balls. Seriously, this is just crazy!

29. “Be Brave & Keep Going” Bracelet

image (7)

From Refinery29: “The subtext is, ‘Just keep riding until you drop off that cliff up ahead, because I never want to see you again.'” Yeah, you might be headed for a breakup after Valentine’s Day.

30. Valentine’s Day Controller

image (8)

From Refinery29: “Nothing says ‘stunted adolescence’ quite like un-ironically gifting someone milk chocolate. Oh, and the fact that it’s shaped like a PlayStation controller makes it that much worse.”

31. Papi Jock Strap

image (9)

From Refinery29: “If every kiss begins with ‘K,’ then every breakup begins with ‘performance jock strap.'” Ladies, if you love your man, avoid giving him this. Will save you a lot of trouble.

32. Shot to the Heart Pencil Holder

image (11)

From Refinery29: “This unintentionally macabre ‘shot to the heart’ desk accessory is just what the witch doctor ordered.” Yeah, that’s incredibly creepy if you ask me. Best gift for someone who’s into office work and voodoo.

33. Heart in Hand

image (12)

Sure it might seem touching. But keep in mind that this is a kitschy, disembodied hand. Probably the kind of gift that says, “I don’t know you at all.”

34. Monna Candle

image (13)

From Refinery29: “A candle that looks like if Georgia O’Keeffe designed a massive dildo for The Lord of the Rings — sign me up!”

35. Sex Checks

slide_277856_2065557_free

From Huffington Post: “The description boasts, ‘Who says money can’t buy you love?’ which we’re pretty sure was the original slogan for prostitution.” Also, I’m sure they’re not worth anything, unlike cash.

36. The Fifty Shades of Grey Toy Collection

slide_277856_2065378_free

Unless you and your partner are into BDSM or the E. L. James Trilogy, this says, “I have terrible taste and I’m even worse in bed.” Best to settle with flowers and candy.

37. Sex Scratch-Offs

slide_277856_2066040_free

Compared to this, scratch off Lotto tickets are more desirable. And your chances of winning the lottery are less than being struck by a meteor. Or a satellite.

38. “Fresh Balls”

slide_277856_2066123_free

I’m sure Valentine’s Day is a perfect occasion for you to tell your boyfriend that he has sweaty balls and you don’t like it. Ladies, avoid this like the plague.

39. Massage Chair

slide_277856_2065451_free

A nice little way to tell your partner that you’re dumping a lot of money on a gift that’s clearly for you. Just another example of your failure as a partner. Cooking a romantic dinner is much cheaper and your partner is more likely to appreciate it.

40. Bliss Fat Girl Six Pack

slide_277856_2065344_free

Okay, another way to tell your girlfriend that she’s fat and needs to lose weight. Really not something to tell her on Valentine’s Day. Also, I don’t think this works.

41. Love Message Disc Shooter

vdaydiscshooter

From Village Voice: “Ow! Oh, that’s cute, honey, I love you too. Ow! I said I love you! Okay? Ow! It’s not funny anymore! Cut it out! OW! Okay, fucker, give me that thing….”

42. Don’t Forget Ring

RING-1853

What you think this gift says about you: “I gave this to you so you won’t forget that I love you and enjoy life.” What it really says about you: “I didn’t know what to get you for Valentine’s Day so I wasted $7 on this piece of crap.”

43. Cleopatra Clamp

cleopatra_nose_clip_close.img_assist_custom_0.img_assist_custom

Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that their looks aren’t good enough. So they gave you a way to get a dirt cheap nose job in one of the most painful ways possible. I also call this one, “the fastest way to get dumped by Adrien Brody.”

44. Bald Guyz Head Wipes

Head_Wipes___4030011

From Inventor Spot: “This great product can remind him that he’s not only bald, but that he’s disgustingly sweaty too. Hooray for destroying your lover’s self confidence!”

45. Mangroomer

m320058_mangroomer-200141-web-p

I guess this gift says, “Honey, I love you, but I’m rather turned off by how you look like a gorilla. So I gave you an electric shaver for back hair.”

46. Eau de Pizza Hut Perfume

pocgkj65gk1couh

Just because someone might like the smell from Pizza Hut doesn’t mean that they want to smell like Pizza Hut. Still, I can’t believe this actually existed and was only made for promotional purposes.

47. Naked Bacon Cooking Armor

nakedbaconmodel

Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than a gift to your man suggesting how you want to see him cook breakfast without much on. If you want to see that, being naked in an apron works just as well.

48. Bitch Perfume

ee0fb9e18a554d5c0aa640ebb361f220

Not sure what it’s supposed to smell like. But I don’t think many women would want their man giving them something with the word, “Bitch” on it. Then again, maybe that’s just me.

49. Adjoining Toilets

worst-valentines-day-gifts-9

For one, I think this might require a big bathroom since you just can’t prop this to a wall. Second, ever heard a thing called “privacy?” It’s the reason why public toilets are in stalls.

50. Penis Pasta

65eef210f9790de92982d61d63040b7b

Because nothing makes a great romantic dinner for two on Valentine’s Day than a pasta dish full of dicks. Yeah, I’m sure they’re serving that for dinner at some high end whorehouse.

51. Whiskey and Tobacco Cologne

whiskey-tobacco

Because nothing makes a man more attractive on Valentine’s Day than smelling like he’s just came out of a bar. It’s the kind that makes you wonder whether he might have a problem and think about getting a divorce.

52. T’s for 2

vdaytshirt

I’m sure making love in a T-shirt built for 2 isn’t as fun as it looks. Again, there are things couples might share in relationships. But I don’t think T-shirts should count.

53. Touch and Know Drug Test

Touch-and-Know-1-140213_IDenta_000046-1

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that you suspect that they might have a substance abuse problem. And that you have issues of trust.

54. Candy Nipple Tassels

slide_208604_679383_free

Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a gift telling your girlfriend that you want her to do a stripper routine while wearing inedible candy. Seriously, why?

55. Sex Bell

slide_208604_679717_free

Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than treating your partner the same way Pavlov treats his pooch. So if they’re good in bed, do they get any treats?

56. Single Shot Garter

single_shot_garter

From Cracked: “Here’s a gift that has some honesty behind it. The garter says “Hey baby, I wanna see you in your underwear” and the flask says ‘But you’re gonna need to be drunk for this to work.'” Okay, I think any woman receiving this might think of seeing other people.

57. Jane Seymour Open Hearts Jewelry

url1

Show that you love her this Valentine’s Day with this overpriced mall necklace that resembles 2 butts in an ‘S’ shape. She’ll totally love it.

58. Plush Love Rat

Love-Rat_19122-l-500x333

Because nothing says “I love you” than presenting your sweetheart with a plushie of a heart spotted vermin. You might want to stick with a teddy bear instead.

59. Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer

sex-for-dummies

Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like receiving a manual from your sweetheart that suggest that you aren’t as great a lover as you initially thought. Or that you’re suspecting that your partner might be a virgin if you hadn’t done it already.

60. Bliss Poetic Personal Waxing Kit

Bliss-Poetic-Waxing-Kit2

Nothing makes a more romantic Valentine’s Day than a gift to your girlfriend telling her that she needs to remove her disgusting body hair. And you don’t think anything not involving self-administered torture.

Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects

aebfb9a2dac323049e00dba56b268bf5

Anyone who has been in elementary school in America probably has had to do some sort of craft project on Valentine’s Day at some point. One year you might be doing Valentine boxes or the like. Nevertheless, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, many elementary kids don’t have much choice than to participate in it. This consists of sending a set of valentines to their classmates as well as a treat. Yes, it’s kind of a pain, especially for boys who aren’t cultured to have any affinity for such a girly holiday. Nevertheless, there are plenty of craft projects associated with the holiday. And since I did craft projects for the other major holidays, then I couldn’t single this one out. Yet, most of the Valentine’s Day craft projects will consist of hearts and the color pink. However, most of the craft projects I show will be made by adults. So for your reading pleasure, enjoy looking at a treasure trove of Valentine’s Day craft projects.

  1. Grace your home with this heart wreath covered in candy hearts.
00a57e3287d2ea1a177f1d0804583bbe

Since candy hearts tend to taste like flavored sugary chalk dust, I think using them for craft projects is for the best. Besides, this is pretty.

2. No one would be more pleased this Valentine’s Day than one receiving a felt flowery heart.

0d5eec4d2448ae64af62b3734e13d07b

Seems like this was made by someone who had too much time on their hands. Nevertheless, I really like the flowers on this, especially the purple ones.

3. Show the love this Valentine’s Day with these heart door hangings.

1d74d6bca2861d0de3474b003916a4a4

Seems to consist of 5 red hearts hanging at different ends. And they’re decorated in a variety of different ways.

4. Bring the spirit of Valentine’s Day to your home with this tulle heart wreath.

02b93233ada8f4b4936e79d86a203d0a

Seems to be colored in red, pink, and white. And it even has 3 red hearts in the center, too. Nevertheless, it’s quite pretty.

5. For your Valentine’s Day mantle, you can always go with a rose covered tree.

2bd8998b26b05ab8afbc462e7e0002d9

Of course, the roses are made from paper that you have to cut out (which I would be very bad at). Still, this looks very pretty if you ask me.

6. To make it small, you can always send a clothes pin valentine.

2ea24feaac45bc132bcb18c69bb89f47

You have to open this one to get a message. Not surprisingly, it’s supposed to be rather brief.

7. If you don’t like your Valentine’s Day tree with roses, you can always go with some hearts.

3ef5f99c1b754022de8032744e38b3c9

As this picture says, these are made from ombre. Not sure what that is. Still, it seems like these hearts range from red, white, and 50 shades of pink.

8. When you fold hearts, you can turn them into flower petals.

6a42f98791f68b483e12ba9756413b2b

As you see, these purple, pink, and yellow flowers are made of hearts and form into one. And they all have pearl beads in the center.

9. For the one who lights up your life, this light bulb will do just fine.

6e72ce345ff541c317e641f1d460a228

However, if the light of your life happens to be an electrical engineer, they probably won’t be impressed by the fact it most likely doesn’t light up. Still, like the hearts.

10. For your little one this Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with this heart onesie and cap.

7e956273e761050cb70e639bbd916ce0

I bet this is for a girl as I could tell by the ribbons on the shoulders. Also, because most parents wouldn’t dress their sons in such outfits either. Well, as far as I know.

11. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day to your home than wooden hearts on sticks.

7c5c2e86317500e3375e0a530e658daa

Love how these are in different patterns and sizes. Yet, they all are tied with the same heart ribbon.

12. Grace your lovely home this Valentine’s Day with a bauble wreath.

08ff39cb472d0d6d96e328d055992af8

You’re probably going to see a lot of Valentine’s Day wreaths on this post. This one is probably the most delicate of them all. And one of the prettiest.

13. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with a large heart decorated with candy hearts.

8a1e0e622515b8c71535b1a1d8c5bee8

I don’t know about you, but I strongly think they should market candy hearts as craft materials from now on. Because those candies aren’t at all fit for human consumption.

14. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without a set of “Love” blocks.

01cb4f22022906113f4825498a06943b

And I guess the “o” is a heart. Surely those blocks used some stencils to make them. But they nevertheless look lovely.

15. For a more rustic look on your front door, you can always go with a heart of roses.

9d072d15675b627be7905e87405d3378

I’m sure the flora on this is fake, given that it’s winter. Still, seems almost as if it came from a store. But it looks beautiful.

16. Decorate your mantle this Valentine’s Day with some XO blocks.

3c4d4d53c9331c13a0a59a5af69ff5a2

These consist of red “x’s” and white “o’s.” Nevertheless, not sure why “x’s” and “o’s” came to mean kisses and hugs. Maybe it has to do with Morse code.

17. This heart shirt would be perfect for any little girl on Valentine’s Day.

12a6da81218d8f84667b9d0540c3d01a

I’m sure this little girl will outgrow this in a few weeks as kids grow rather quickly. Nevertheless, it’s so cute.

18. This rosy heart tree would make a fine addition to any home.

26d6ebd8f116d1e42bd952c86e0f84f4

Yes, this is a fake tree with fake roses on it. But I do think this person did a way better job on this than I ever could in my life.

19. Keep yourself warm this winter with this Valentine’s Day heart quilt.

42cd8a5b273dbab7bb5e6fdb37ca2091

Not sure if it’s for actual use and I highly doubt. But you have to love the red hearts on this. You really do.

20. You can’t get more cuddly on Valentine’s Day than with these two adorable bears.

59cdadc48522d6abf98b8682544e4b89

Well, at least as far when it comes to bears you can make. The girl one has a bow in her head. Still, these two are so adorable if you ask me.

21. Be all hugs and kisses this Valentine’s Day by gracing your front door with this XO wreath.

11b99276e1453a58bf2089a125a84d32

As you see, it’s made from some fake white roses and ruffled red cloth. Still, I’m sure it’s bound to stand out in the neighborhood.

22. If you’re not using a planter urn, perhaps you can make some Valentine’s Day decoration from it.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I bet this decoration used a lot of sparkly party stuff. Nevertheless, I like the bow tied on the black urn the best in this.

23. Got a bunch of pink gift ribbons lying around? Make a heart wreath out of it.

66fa107c2f7f8c7997ea81e066d40650

Yes, this is a ribbon wreath. And yes, it’s mostly pink. But still, I find it rather ingenious if you think about it.

24. This candy heart bouquet is sure to make a fine Valentine’s Day centerpiece.

76c589336f112a76259ae9236cc189e3

Of course, the flowers aren’t roses and may seem a bit springy. Nevertheless, they certainly match the candy hearts in the vase.

25. This white Valentine’s Day tree is decked in red hearts.

85f0e0ff7de27b6e8e7f0d473f147f74

Yes, this is a Valentine’s Day tree. No, I don’t know why people do this. But yes, I did post it because it’s unique and has hearts on it.

26. For a great table centerpiece on Valentine’s Day, you can’t do better than a vase with sparkly branches and hanging hearts.

159e59f2b5b36b348c9f5d0c5ca61cd3

I guess making this made a big mess when it came to dousing the branches with glitter. Still, I think guests will be pleased by the results.

27. For Valentine’s Day decorations, you can’t go wrong with sequin hearts.

385ab520c1e09d95f255b8ce118b63c3

Normally, I tend to view sequins as a tacky material you’d see at some disco. But these aren’t that bad if you ask me.

28. These flower pot candy dispensers are a great way to store Valentine’s Day candy.

7b3a7d7c11cd5e9d9040a26cfedc40a0

Of course, to be safe, you might want to buy the flower pots at the craft store first. Still, seems lie a rather clever idea.

29. Grace your couch this Valentine’s Day with a one of a kind heart blanket.

1a27d0d3b00588472e978978c8b12ec1

Wonder if it’s made by someone with too much time on their hands. Also, not sure if it goes well with that couch either.

30. Cuddle up this Valentine’s Day with this quilted valentine heart pillow.

281effd23df86cf844f6a9bcbcf3f2c2

Hears come in so many different colors and patterns. But most of them are pink. Still, not sure if anyone would have time to do this though.

31. Count down to Valentine’s Day with this heart calendar.

950c06ca9978d814f8f2700a9fb740e0

Don’t tell me they made a Valentine’s Day rip off of the Advent Calendar. Sure it only contains 14 days, but that’s a 2 week span.

32. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with Cupid arrows.

2370ee2bc386f83e13d7994d9207e9ca

All it seems to take are skewers, felt hearts, electrical tape, and feathers. Seems easy for kids. However, they’d probably not make any at school due to weapons policies.

33. This Valentine’s Day, store candy in some felt fortune cookies.

22117da302ca86b19d26ab0af2c8ed2b

Now this seems like a rather clever idea for kids to do Valentine’s Day treats for their classmates. However, not sure if some of them are old enough to do the sayings.

34. If you can’t make love arrows from skewers, use clothes pins.

35245effa8beda347d4b69bae9e487cf

Seems like these arrows look rather easy to make. But I don’t think any I’d make would turn out to be as nice as these.

35. Light up your home this Valentine’s Day with some rainbow heart lights.

 

56778ddb81006fcaea74419c977c97c4

And these seemed to be rather tangled up by the looks of it. Nevertheless, these hearts are made from paper so the lights can shine through them.

36. If you’re going for a more rustic Valentine’s Day look, you can’t do wrong with a wreath made of pine cones.

61396bdf388a1a5a6e429ef05bc2dfd1

This seems rather quaint. However, I bet any money that those pine cones came from a craft store.

37. Got too many candy hearts lying around? Make a tree of them.

 

69001f140dbe5234a79664c96447ba9a

Yes, this is another art form with the Valentine’s Day candies that aren’t fit for human consumption. Nevertheless, that pink goes well with the heart pastel colors.

38. If you love candy hearts, then you’ll like these candy heart wall hangings.

70752c9ef359447a5ed1afa7163c9214

Yes, these are wooden candy hearts that are painted and covered in glitter. Sayings include, “love you,” “be mine,” “kiss me,” and “XOXO.”

39. Anyone is sure to love a Valentine’s Day bouquet of hearts.

97139b8d278a80e1f6827a94deaa1332

The hearts may be made from felt and the stems made from wire. But this bouquet is surely lovely to behold.

40. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in the woods without some acorn hearts.

412409d56b57466b60734880beba2c5f

They’re acorns with hearts on them. And painting the hearts seems to require a rather small paint brush and precision.

41. For a Valentine’s Day centerpiece, you can’t go wrong with a candy bouquet.

727566ffbe316259b2a42286860876a1

Don’t tell me that they have Valentine’s Day candy corn. Seriously, that stuff was bad enough around Halloween. Do we really need to deal with candy wax around Valentine’s Day?

42. This heart wall hanging is sure to be lovely on any front door.

7680501b5832d9223c4d16477f55b294

These are red hearts brought together with some fancy ribbon. The top is a bow with some other ribbons and trimmings.

43. Candy hearts are bound to go well with any form of outdoor decoration.

35169357c913097883a7fd19998a65c5

These hearts are made from foam and are spray painted on. Some with stencils. Still, probably taste better than chalk dusty candy hearts, don’t you think.

44. If you like polka dots, then this Valentine’s Day wreath is for you.

a4e28c349b0d803708585715cad7f32a

Well, the polka dot cloth goes nice with the red and white motif. Also contains red and white ribbons and flowers.

45. These Valentine’s Day bottles will show how love is in the air within your home.

a7af12d50c92dc89df92468f7166c478

And these are decorated in different ways and in different. Not sure what to think about the silver one though.

46. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day gift than a heart button mosaic in a heart shaped pan.

a65be17310379885eeade0177463729f

Of course, if my mom had a heart shaped pan, she would certainly not let me do a button mosaic on it. Still, wonder how much glue they used.

47. Receive valentines with your very own Valentine’s Day mailbox.

a220d4ab4b24d392b9ca30b007df23fb

That’s a really nice pink mailbox. Unfortunately, where I live, you can’t have one of at your house due to increment weather and an incident with mass vandalism.

48. For candlelight dinners, these Valentine’s Day candle holders can’t be beat.

a06845660c3c88247849e5b0ba0722c4

Yes, these are festive candle holders. Unfortunately, my mom can forget having a romantic candle light dinner unless the power goes out. My dad tends to get migraines.

49. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day centerpiece than a bouquet of duct tape roses.

a126b7e87e7932fb3fb33aeac449b9fa

These look pretty. Then again, not sure if I can make as lovely roses as these with duct tape. Probably bound to mess up and waste the stuff.

50. Cozy up to a warm fire this Valentine’s Day with this rustic heart pillow.

ac6b5fc7f53a4a2dc7ddfa42f6273675

The pillow is made of canvas while the heart is outlined with ribbon. Nevertheless, I’m sure anyone would enjoy this.

51. These Valentine’s Day pom pom monsters are bound to melt your heart.

b3c2daf5c62f606a6b4b06a4177a1e6e

These are so adorable and seem rather easy to make. Then again, not sure what these monsters have to do with Valentine’s Day. I really don’t.

52. For baby boys, this love bandit onesie will do just fine.

b4dfb0295a0b2a063c8935501c9de96b

I suppose girl bandits could wear this, too. However, there are plenty of girl Valentine outfits available. And this one seems less girly than the others.

53. Store your Valentine’s Day treats in these appropriate cookie jars.

b6c44dac838c1178f4ce4e51747506fb

Has a chalkboard bubble you can write stuff on with chalk. If you don’t have any, then candy hearts will certainly do.

54. This wreath has a lot of hearts in its branches.

bfe3558b6e653de2bf94b4ad48e99137

Seems that the hearts on this are made of paper. But it seems to have plenty of love to go around.

55. Grace your door on Valentine’s Day with this heart wall hanging.

c5bc57d83337e51eccfaa50323e73023

Seems like something you’d put on a tombstone in a cemetery, but more festive. Not sure if it’s a craft project or store bought item. But it’s from Pinterest.

56. This wooden heart would make a lovely Valentine’s Day addition to anyone’s home.

c031e8ced25eb06bf4f6bbfeb5ed2877

I bet this was made from some crate. Has stripes in several different colors like red, white, and pink, as well as black.

57. Cover your Valentine’s Day tree with candy hearts for a lovely impression.

ceae2401370a656ac7f0358e57a23a0b

Because candy hearts are better used for craft projects than human consumption. Because nobody wants to eat chalk.

58. For a more down home feel, this “XOXO” wreath will do quite nicely.

d6e8cd0bba897e20897b7bd41f11034e

Has 2 white cloth wreaths for “o’s” and 2 sets of cross twigs for “x’s”. And it’s strung together with a red ribbon.

59. For ceiling hangings, you can’t go wrong with a mobile with hearts.

33ace1378474ede76d7e2fc1409d0893

Yes, I know the colors are drab on this one. But I think it’s an ingenious design, especially with the lace on top and the paper hearts.

60. Nothing makes a better candy holder than a jar filled with candy hearts.

d12e2653839944031fe16637877539f8

Let’s hope this candle doesn’t smell like candy hearts or chalk dust. Still, I love the pink bow around this.

61. Nothing makes a better display for your doorstop this Valentine’s Day than this pink, fuzzy wreath.

cb3db34ed708c8f91ee634f84095456c

Yes, it’s a pink tulle wreath. Yes, it has 3 hearts on it. Still, don’t tell me you wouldn’t want this on your door. You’d totally get this.

62. This XOXO wreath is a true Valentine’s Day delight.

d86bbba4ae8dd3a8726c919dc45541ee

While it’s mostly silver, it has a XOXO banner across as well as lovely flowers. Surely a lovely wreath, indeed.

63. This tulle wreath shows all kinds of love for Valentine’s Day.

086cdd17686a575f255ee5ac10715bdc

This is in black and red tulle strips. And it has wooden letters spelling “LOVE.” Quite pretty though.

64. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without an assortment of love tags.

d8848a4ca93339378fc0395ea2c642a7

To be fair these are made of wood and aren’t painted well. Nevertheless, these are quite nice if you ask me.

65. Keep yourself clean this Valentine’s Day with these heart soaps.

d17148698e46a8c13e2e4f65cf200f88

Seem to resemble candy hearts with sayings on them. Wonder how any of them smell like.

66. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day decoration than a ribbon tree.

8353819e583d70ca29dcbd4904b4f620

Seems like this was made from all kinds of pink and white Valentine’s Day ribbons. Nevertheless, I love the ribbon and button star on the top.

67.  If you have a heart, then you’re bound to love this little Tin Man.

e2ea148395fa1662921824e141fba736

And it’s even made out of tin cans and a funnel. It even has a heart ticker. Still, I’m not a big fan of the Wizard of Oz. Think it’s pretty creepy with the flying monkeys.

68. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day than a bunch of hearts stacked on a pot.

e2ec172ba251b66a7ef500c4198f9d18

Each one has a red ribbon below it. Also, each heart is made from wood. Yet, all these hearts are linked by a vine.

69. This Valentine’s Day wall hanging is one that you’ll certainly grow to love.

e4b077c7562b280fd3cd76305878dd60

Sayings on this one are, “Love,” “Be Mine,” and “XOXO.” Yet, this is wonderful piece of Valentine’s Day decor.

70. If you have some blank pallets, you can’t do any wrong making some spray painted candy hearts on them.

e6d299c7adc405bad0eebd5b831f0151

Of course, stencils were used as you look here. But they sure are lovely, especially on this table.

71. For Valentine’s Day, these love rocks are great for your lovely home.

d7262b5a422f043bdf5ae61390f9a0dc

Well, as doorstops and paper weights anyway. And they’re quite intricately painted as well. Very beautiful.

72. This tulle Valentine’s Day wreath will surely warm your heart.

e8de6357fd22032c5aac0388d45ccfe2

This one has pink, black, and red tulle strips. And it has a heart with a bow near the bottom. So pretty.

73. Decorate your home for Valentine’s Day with this lovely canvas garland of hearts.

ea5e41c0aaa4862c83d67ddf5d3d4848

This seems to have a rustic feel to this decoration. And it uses felt hearts, too. Lovely if I daresay.

74. Celebrate Valentine’s Day by hanging this lovely leopard skin heart ribbon wreath on your door.

ed35122ed49b2286b1f146833cf537db

Not a big fan of leopard prints. Somehow I think this is rather tacky as hell. But I’m sure someone is bound to like it. Yet, it’s just not me.

75. These hugs and kisses blocks are just too  sweet to miss.

53eb2c98a99ef762cd6c8cafeb1ca78b

Sure lit looks kind of frilly and in pink. But you have to like these because they’re so adorable.

76. These blocks will surely bring the love into your home.

ee5c51d203ab6072ee0c27a347202fdb

These blocks spell “LOVE.” And they’re all held together by a red tulle bow.

77. If you want to give out candy for Valentine’s Day, these heart jars can’t be beat.

ef53c8cb7c5b3c77093d0ec624303a98

Of course, if I received something like these jars, I’d throw out the candy hearts and keep the jar. Seriously, candy hearts are disgusting.

78. Grace your door this Valentine’s Day with this red and pink wreath.

f3d6ab6623b3146d8e7cd6e3b2086751

Seems to be decorated with hearts, branches, and baubles. And it even has a pink ribbon around it.

79. This rose tree centerpiece is bound to liven any Valentine’s Day table.

f7ccdafc19c513f31bb92e24b874d806

I’m sure the roses are fake and and the beads are draped down. Still, it’s so pretty and I bet it took a lot of time to make.

80. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day decoration than a heart wreath of roses.

f8e81bb366adaa3d63fa21e3bd81f321

I’m sure the roses on this are fake and are in shades of white, red, pink, and purple. Nevertheless, they’re very pretty if you ask me.

81. Place your Valentine’s Day candy is this lovely heart yarn basket.

f26e64388238c7d2f3295476fc4ec59d

This seems rather clever. Of course, I’m sure there had to be sticks to hold it up.

82. This heart shaped wreath has berries all over its branches.

f42b6fc9cfea9a03e59e514c4d15dcb6

This mostly consists of red and white berries which I know are fake. Nevertheless, I surely love the red ribbon on top.

83. You can’t have a wonderful Valentine’s Day without a large block of love.

f48dec75914838ae03dccd8918614d77

Well, it’s a large glass block that says, “Love” and “Be Mine” and it’s filled with candy heart. And it’s all tied up with a ribbon.

84. For flowers, this Valentine’s Day fingerprint vase will do quite nicely.

f942a669c719f4dbd439092604d57686

These vases are obviously bought from a craft star. And the hearts are made by fingerprints. But these are certainly cute.

85. You can’t do Valentine’s Day without some heart crayons.

fffdcaa6638bc8894dc90b4007370313

Seems to come in 4 different colors. Nevertheless, these are rather adorable and I’m sure kids would like them.

86. This quilted heart cloth makes a fine table centerpiece for your Valentine’s Day dining room.

45a429744895e1b578186757678b7287

It’s a patchwork spread with a heart in a middle. But you have to think it’s rather quaint if you ask me.

87. This love block is sure to light up your room on Valentine’s Day.

73d2601318b111d959d1521025835d60

It’s a lovely block with a rather simple design. Yet, I surely love the ribbon tying this one. Like the light, too.

88. This white wall hanging of hearts is a great Valentine’s Day decoration in your home.

b03649eef4ea61e4b93699a0a2cca83d

Seems to resemble some vintage Valentine’s Day decorations. Yet, I found this on Pinterest. Nevertheless, love the flowers on these.

89. Grace your home with this pink heart wreath of tissue roses.

e3635f0081e9c5c388f7fa4e845a1026

I’m sure kids could make something like this. However, it seems to take a lot of time. Nevertheless, it’s quite beautiful.

90. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a heart sparkle dish.

e559dfc667e936477cf61bda7d93cca0

Of course, you can’t eat anything on it. But you have to love the sparkles on here. Nevertheless, it’s very pretty if you ask me.

91. Grace your home this Valentine’s Day with these floral heart wreaths.

298cdddc31005d3f5a4eaf655ed4b4ee

These consist of a purple one, a pink one, and one that’s in between. Yes, the flowers are fake and seem to resemble those on a tombstone. But they’re so beautiful.

92. When it comes to candle decor, you can’t do better than these Valentine’s Day candle wrappers.

fc32571f48bb7d70c62795dddc606199

These seem rather simple to make. Just some fancy cloth and some hearts attached to a pony tail holder. How hard could this be?

93. For your country home, this lovely wooden heart would look great on your wall.

1c09e917020e9d551d6451f87a2893ac

Seems this uses a lot of glitter which can make a real mess. But it does seem to be quite pretty, nevertheless.

94. If you love music, then you’ll adore this little heart guitar.

39153743bb1b8c97dcd041fb938d95af

Yes, this is a kid craft project. No, I don’t think you could actually play it. But I’m sure some of my fans will appreciate it.

95. Spruce up your dining room this Valentine’s Day with this chair cover of hearts.

bb0af0297464af7340796dbe23fa8061

Not sure how many are available. But you have to love all the hearts on these. They tend to come in so many shapes and sizes.

96. Light up your Valentine’s Day with these glitter heart candle holders.

3da6d5cbea0f17a62188b7ddcd310669

These are so adorable. Sure the glitter makes a mess. Yet, the mess seems to be totally worth it as you see the results.

97. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile without these decorative plates.

3ae636d709bd22c6e9228d2c2a2e813b

Sayings are “Kiss Me,” “Be Mine,” and “Love You.” Still, these are so utterly adorable.

98. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t do wrong with a heart wreath of red roses.

00042e424440d00053dbc8508fb93222

If you’re a rustic romantic, this is the kind of Valentine’s Day wreath for you. Not sure if it’s easy to make but it sure is beautiful.

99. Those who love Valentine’s Day will certainly enjoy this floral heart wreath.

226ac4cafadb253cbbe9a3b5b657add3

This seems to be made by either a professional or someone with too much time on their hands. Still, it sure is beautiful though.

100. If you love Valentine’s Day, you’d surely find this button wreath adorable.

ed9809eda46b752665341328f6c53718

Yes, it’s a heart shaped button wreath. I’m sure it’s filled with all kinds of buttons. But it sure looks so cute.

Be Mine with These Valentine’s Day Treats (Second Edition)

f3c880f8ca8b97beffb8c9d59b455970

As you may have guessed, Valentine’s Day isn’t one of my favorite holidays, and I’m doing such posts early this year so I can get the holiday over with. Last year, I did a post on Valentine’s Day treats and it received a rather warm reception. So I decided to do another one for all my fans out there. As we all know, Valentine’s Day is a highly celebrated holiday. And it’s no surprise that many people tend to hold Valentine’s Day parties which aren’t as extravagant as the ones they have on Christmas. But there are plenty of treats people post on Pinterest associated with the holiday which leaves me with a lot to work with. Not to mention, the fact most schoolchildren are usually obligated to bring valentines and treats to school as well. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you a treasure trove of some more Valentine’s Day treats.

  1. For starters, we begin with the chocolate hearts on sticks.
00fbf8f306d96ec0910b385a0df1e414

Wonder whether these are made with cake or marshmallow filling. Probably marshmallow, I guess. But they look so cute.

2. These animal cookies are bound to melt your heart.

0c8ac2436b681fbf0e84ee4a5217dd99

Now these consist of a butterfly, a ladybug, an owl, a bird, a dog, and a penguin. But they’re all so adorable in their own special way.

3. For your Valentine’s Day party, you can’t go wrong with XO salad.

0dc3ac682a3c6e7d17125347182431ce

Yes, the X’s and O’s are made from cheese. Bit it includes some cucumber hearts as well.

4. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day than some red heart gobs.

1_large_jpg

Yes, these are little heart cupcake sandwiches. Not sure how big they are. For all I know they could be rather bite size.

5. How about some heart churos with your coffeee?

0002f757f5d06490dd4bfff503cc1627

These are churos made into hearts. And yes, a few of them fit wonderfully on a saucer like this one.

6. With heart shaped marshmallows and candy, you can make your own Valentine’s sundae.

0e60e4887f4f3bb5f4dc373ee8e2d106

Yet, between the two of these, I’ll take the one with the M&M’s. Those heart candies tastes like sugary chalk dust.

7. Grace your Valentine’s Day cupcakes with red icing, hearts, and roses.

4b3e225761a496cd516c3f725186c845

Now these seem like classic Valentine’s Day cupcakes. I’m sure they were made in a bakery though. Nevertheless, they’ll surely do.

8. These Rice Krispie treats contain chocolate hearts for your Valentine’s Day delight.

5a274ef41d2f743c729f062231f80b69

I don’t know about you but I think these look delicious. And they have chocolate, too.

9. These heart shaped potatoes will go well with any Valentine’s Day dinner.

6f8265334e2af26b4ad08de51eb7f5cd

Sure to go with any heart shaped steak or meat as you desire. Think it’s a rather clever idea though.

10. With heart cookies like these, you can make a wreath.

7a66261f139c3c32692502908af45c4c

Yes, that is a heart cookie wreath. Yes, I think this was professionally made. Nevertheless, I think it’s great and you should, too.

11. Feast your eyes on this envelope tart.

8f7f3f3da575cae4318dec5eb77798cb

It’s like a tart with an envelope crust and fruity filling inside. This one is totally well suited for Valentine’s Day as you see.

12. These marshmallow robots on a stick are only filled with love.

9e69a13ef218567d5cfaf63a859ed805

I’m sure these aren’t edible since they’re of the same composition as marshmallow peeps. However, you can’t doubt their cuteness by any stretch of the imagination.

13. Celebrate Valentine’s Day with some tarts by the Queen of Hearts.

3f7debd8a8f4c7f9a4715a382af37cb4

well, they may not be made by the Queen of hearts (because she doesn’t exist). But these do have hearts and they are cute.

14. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without some valentine chicken pot pie.

10

Then again, it might be quiche. However, you have to admire the hearts on the crust. That’s quite creative.

15. Be kind to your heart this Valentine’s Day with some heart salad.

14acb74bcd182419d2ee0912399cb66c

Yes, it’s a salad with hearts. And yes, those hearts are made from cheese and bacon bits. And so is the lettuce.

16. Grace your Valentine’s Day dessert platter with cheesecake with hearts.

36ce030e2743a3be6b984320f6467bc2

This cheesecake has hearts all over it in a spiral. Sure it’s professionally made but it looks so pretty.

17. For healthy Valentine’s Day snack, you can’t go wrong with these fruity ladybugs.

82fca2cccaec8c563a696e97e3f55988

Wonder how they get the berries into the strawberry. Nevertheless, these fruity bugs are so adorable.

18. Wake up in the morning to some Valentine’s Day crepes.

127

I guess “crepes” are fancy looking pancakes from how I see it. Can’t really do a design like that because I’d sure mess up somewhere.

19. For frozen treats, these Valentine’s Day ice cream sandwiches will do the trick.

138e76ddc27748a4f87947d3600026a5

Seems like you put some strawberry ice cream between 2 chocolate cookies. Then decorate with icing hearts however you like.

20. Nothing makes a better centerpiece for your Valentine’s Day dessert platter than this “My Heart Pounds for You” cake.

832be8b1dbef3b9028b28e2d67e90e67

It’s basically a pound cake with strawberries in it and shaped like a hot. And this one consists of chocolate and vanilla.

21. If hearts aren’t your thing, you can always go with kiss lips.

4408d8627eb9acbf72bd1df942665a43

These are “Big Kiss Cake Pops.” Yes they tend to look like plastic lips on a stick. But they’re not.

22. These heart sticks are great with a cup of hot chocolate.

5853bdf937000839838742475379cfce

It’s a cookie stick with some chocolate icing and mini marshmallows. Wonder if it tastes like a smore. Probably not.

23. For Valentine’s Day dinner, heart ravioli is a lovely treat.

8235eba08a76b5546e8622ea297b1e60

And it seems like these ravioli can go with anything like shrimp. Nevertheless, it’s rather likely these are filled with cheese.

24. Wake up this Valentine’s Day morning to some heart shaped donuts.

80036a5dac9a83d64f33d575f1e3323e

Of course, if you eat enough of these, they’re not bound to do your heart much good. Still, you have to love these.

25. For Valentine’s Day dinner, you can’t do better for a vegetable than with some heart shaped carrots.

83976183-630x353vdaysnacks

I guess these carrot hearts were made for kids and to go with peas. Nevertheless, they’re adorable.

26. Make your Valentine’s Day party a success with some kiss lips fruit salad.

aebe4ebfafb0e363334f5ebfe0294eff

As you see, the kiss lips, XO, and hearts are all made from watermelon. Nevertheless, it seems like a rather ingenious idea conducted by someone with too much time on their hands.

27. Then again, a fruit salad with hearts is just as nice.

b47caa57f01f79fac8f1c8e921e2541a

Seems like this salad has more hearts than the last one. And they don’t just consist of watermelon either.

28. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a pie covered in hearts.

bc490c048f0548c73272a9fee0353e1f

Guess this is a strawberry pie as I can tell. Nevertheless, its crust is all covered in hearts like I said.

29. Your valentine is bound to enjoy these envelope sugar cookies.

c9f69915a27a7554dfef1f9c5e8dc6fc

And they fit in a shiny red mailbox as far as I can see. Nevertheless, they’re quite cute.

30. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day sweeter than a cake covered in heart shaped candies.

cf60072132d0aa22ffb730a1062112bf

Of course, you might want to take the candies off as you eat it. Those things taste like chalk dust and flavored sugar. It’s disgusting.

31. Nothing makes a better addition to your Valentine’s Day party platter than some pink deviled eggs with hearts.

e5fc452dd79e534c6cfb457f1d2fa90f

Guess these hearts are made from beets from how I see it. Not sure what to think about the pink, though.

32. Heart cookies are always cuter when they’re ladybugs.

d946222edb045de810d92e1f7c8f9a0c

I’m sure kids are bound to love these. Not sure why they use ladybugs for Valentine’s Day. But these are adorable.

33. You’ll find a red heart when you take a slice of this cake.

69295949612047fa6c8bb86e9ff45547

Yes, this Valentine’s cake has a heart inside. Not sure how they do this. Still, I like that it’s chocolate.

34. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t resist these Hershey Kiss sugar cookies.

f38e12289437d30357dea3d2455ad460

Consist of red, pink, and silver. May not be chocolate. But they sure look good to me.

35. You can’t have a Valentine’s Day party without rainbow jello hearts.

fd83170ed15935b91d95c8c3c5281069

However, before your kids eat them, ask the host whether they contain alcohol. Remember just because it’s jello, doesn’t mean it’s for kids.

36. For healthier options, you might want to go with these heart fruit kabobs.

Hearts-Skewers

Consists of strawberries and grapes. And it seems that the strawberries are shaped like hearts, too.

37. This Valentine’s Day, your heart will melt for these X and O smores.

Smores-XO

Seems like they consist of chocolate covered cookies with marshmallows sandwiched between them. Sure look good though.

38. You can’t go wrong this Valentine’s Day with these heart biscuits.

bc83b2ac871992d6fdec6a58d1346cb8

I know biscuits aren’t the best things for you. But they sure taste so good that they’re irresistible.

39. Those in the Tex-Mex mood will surely enjoy these heart empanadas.

1ef21cea64da9f375b4484677a2a65d1

Guess an empanada is a Mexican calzone of some sort. But these certainly look delicious.

40. You can’t go wrong on Valentine’s Day without these marshmallow candy hearts.

42baa1a673a267d7c72c1e1173ab9ffb

Sure taste better than the real thing. Because almost anything tastes better than sugar, chalk dust, and artificial flavors. And that’s a fact.

41. Warm up this Valentine’s Day with some tomato soup and grilled cheese heart sandwiches.

0a13b0be2c4be592b7efd3a92be71a95

By the way, you dip your sandwich in the soup if I’m not mistaken. Hope you get my drift.

42. These cocktail cupcakes will sure make a fine addition on any Valentine’s Day party dessert platter.

6c61c332a73d1a32683a0b5c26fb3f71

Seems like these cupcakes are made in cocktail glasses. Wonder if they’re oven resistant. Must be but you’ll never know.

43. Delight your guests this Valentine’s Day with these stained glass heart cookies.

666f581754cefc69a7bc7083e70098a1

These seem to come in several different colors and flavors. Still, wonder how you get the jello in the heart because I’m stumped of how that works.

44. Your Valentine’s Day party will liven up with these sugar cookie candy hearts.

098e591ed8d52c26b99eb3ca6b43316c

And I guarantee you that they’ll be much better than anything made from sweetened chalk dust with artificial flavoring. Seriously, real candy hearts are disgusting.

45. On Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with these smore cookies.

945d91d983e6ec60ff959bca796dd47e

These consists of chocolate covered graham crackers with heart marshmallows on top. Perfect for any winter day.

46. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without these heart patty candies.

596d30788f0e78a7577b47a695d45bfb

Not sure what they’re made of. But according to Pinterest, they’re said to be edible because there’s a recipe listed.

47. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a chocolate lover’s cheesecake.

5f98fe216a014af71cf4abe778ba2af3

They have hearts on top in a regular and white chocolate swirl. Of course, I’m sure they’re incredibly delicious.

48. These heart pretzels make the ideal Valentine’s Day snack.

43fc27a17c8ee863171678c96ab911ae

Yes, these pretzels aren’t all uniform. But I’m sure somebody would find them quite tasty.

49. All these Valentine’s Day cookies fit well in a cute red little box.

8aacbd602debfb1f24c7df60bf30bde6

Mostly consists of letters and hearts. Still, you have to love these, especially since they’re chocolate.

50. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a cake with 3 hearts in it.

f9c3c5126f14143b0ddb574d0fa1b9fc

The hearts are supposed to be made of raspberry buttercream icing, according to Pinterest. Still, the chocolate makes it look delicious.

51. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you have an X and O brownie dish on your dessert platter.

12dff1d3f68d8c7b2b80475da6075304

Available in chocolate and vanilla filling. Nevertheless, they sure look tasty that’s for sure.

52. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you feast your eyes on this salad.

63137839f211d4bffabaeb53d81a090a

Seems to consist of tomatoes in a heart shape with some marshmallows in the center. Quite ingenious if you get my drift.

53. Grace your dessert platter this Valentine’s Day with this pink rose topped cake.

2c943fcce6ce564ca56033dfc80d34c9

This looks like a lovely cake. Guess it’s professionally made or created by someone with too much time on their hands. But it sure looks pretty.

54. Treat yourself this Valentine’s Day to some heart shaped potato skins.

3cfc70c858dbddf73a18bc731c50f76d

Contains cheese and bacon as well as some spices. You can even dip them in some dip of sour cream.

55. These Valentine’s Day candy kabobs are sure to be a real treat.

696569b6b99f13f4fe9fedd8654f4403

Not sure if I’d want to eat any of the candies on this stick. But I’m sure kids are going to love them. Yet, I do like the ribbons.

56. For Valentine’s Day dinner, you can’t go wrong with some heart beat salad.

6378d325de511c8c7c6bd15d048c4371

It consists of hearts and they are made of beets. Get it? Still, seems to look great.

57. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you will certainly fall in love with these cupcakes.

love-cupcakes-500

Really like this arrangement here. Like the hearts, especially the ones that spell “LOVE.”

58. Those who enjoy some Japanese fare will enjoy some heart shaped sushi.

a311642791dd615527a5ee060d29c6c4

None of them seem to be in the traditional Valentine’s Day colors like red, white, or pink. But they certainly do look wonderful if you ask me.

59. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without some red heart shaped bread.

1d98c7de409d71ba1f3aa5caaf0e1d05

I think this bread might be in the dough stage and made by a professional. Nevertheless, it sure looks lovely, and possibly tasty when it’s break.

60. All that don this cake are hearts and roses.

56b114cc7f47e8d6951455d1b8a232b1

Not sure if those roses are edible. But they sure look pretty. Also love the chocolate icing.

61. If you want to keep your heart healthy this Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with this hearty salad.

622a1ff9f0bd74cca979239f299502e3

Consists of hearts of tomatoes, cucumbers, and cheese. Nevertheless, whoever made this must’ve had too much time on their hands as far as I’m concerned.

62. These heart pretzels will make a tasty Valentine’s Day treat.

3436300038e23e12487eb2548dc39357

Consists of pretzels, candy hearts, and nutella. Nevertheless, they’re probably the easiest treats on this post so far.

63. It’s not Valentine’s Day until you feast your eyes on these chocolate covered Valentine’s Day Oreos.

5331684761_77d5e35c1c_z

Yes, these are Oreos with hearts on them. Still, other than the design, they seem rather easy to make.

64. This heart shaped cookie cake is a perfect edition to your Valentine’s Day party dessert platter.

be067a700e66275d4bf762048813504c

Seems to consist of a chocolate chip cookie crust with a chocolate filling that’s sprinkled with candy hearts and chocolate chips. Sure looks delicious though.

65. You can’t have a great Valentine’s Day party without including some chocolate covered pretzels with hearts.

8eddd42d956210955a18051d04ba7b99

All it takes are candy hearts, pretzel sticks and chocolate. Nevertheless, it’s a rather doable snack.

66. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a cake of a box of chocolates.

heartboxsteplogo

Now this is better than any box of chocolates (well, at least samplers). Seriously, if you receive a box, how many of those would you actually want to eat? My point.

67. For healthy options, you can’t go wrong with this rainbow fruit snack platter.

1c8fa6c5f5473c354cf1796b1d686a26

Seems that this tray has a different fruit for every color. Well, there are 2 representing green, but still. And the grapes are in the wrong place as well.

68. For Valentine’s Day, feast your eyes on some Salámové.

ddfd44783d0b03facc4b4d994debf3bd

But to me, it’s a form of pizza. Nevertheless, this is the kind of food art that’s done by repressed art majors at grocery store delis.

69. Wake up this Valentine’s Day morning with some heart shaped French toast.

b15522fc9297a6e1ea6ed20958e7960b

Now this resembles the kind of breakfast you’d see at some fancy restaurant or 5-star hotel. And each bit is topped with icing and strawberries.

70. Add some color in your life with these rainbow heart Rice Krispie treats.

293407e6779a805da6f59dd4504c32d1

Yes, they’re candy heart colored. But I assure you, they will taste much better. Seriously, sugary chalk dust is disgusting.

71. Would you like some heart marshmallows in your hot chocolate?

baee67780c642a71331f369b21f37e64

Well, this seems rather easy, until you realize you need a heart cutter that small. But it’s still cute.

72. These raspberry cookie sandwiches will be a Valentine’s Day delight.

97219909_valentinesdayfood

Well, I see some of them also have strawberries as well. Nevertheless, it’s in a heart so it goes on this post.

73. For Valentine’s Day, have some strawberry cake in a jar.

094abcbac5301d0d6eb99b7af22e9271

Yes, it’s a cake in a jar. Don’t ask me how this was made. And it has a red heart on top.

74. I call this Valentine’s Day delight, “Death by Chocolate.”

b40f454c7c1b8faa6b9313cc1b99cef9

It’s a cake smothered in every kind of chocolate you can think of. And it’s topped with white heart.

75. Nothing makes a better addition for your Valentine’s Day dessert platter than some flying heart cupcakes.

404d7bb061b53b3d54a63ddc7cfb3a34

Wings seem to come in red, pink, and white. Not sure what they’re made of. But I think this is a clever idea.

76. Anyone who loves Valentine’s Day will love these Cupid cookies.

c87f82033533a6ef3b71b6850d04a154

These use gingerbread man cookie cutters but they’re in red velvet. Nevertheless, they’re adorable.

77. Valentine’s popcorn makes a lovely snack.

2f5d7e7d7f563053aeb7f5bcdde57086

However, before I’d eat this, I’d take out the candy hearts first. Flavored sugar chalk is disgusting to say the least.

78. You can’t have a great Valentine’s Day dinner without some heart salad.

81e35a8242e64669697c74c9de9c2166

Contains hearts among tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and carrots. However, you might want to remove the toothpicks before you eat the tomatoes.

79. This plate of Valentine’s Day sushi contains pink hearts.

015f71c893d59814128f7a7653ae0f73

Wonder how they got the heart in this sushi. Perhaps it’s better not to dwell on it too much.

80. A cake like this is bound to have kisses all over it.

74d56686df3ef9c53d75a135b03b31bf

However, I assure you it’s perfectly safe to eat. Because I’m positive whoever made this used stamps for the imprints.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Third Edition)

Vintage-Valentine-Zephaniah-3.17

Yes, I know Valentine’s Day is only a month away but it’s not one of my favorite holidays, except when it pertains to blogging about it. And posting about vintage valentines are one of these reasons since they get a lot of views during this time. So it helps that I start as early as possible. Nevertheless, when we think of Valentines Day, we tend to think of cutesy things like hearts, love, candy, and other things pertaining to this massively commercialized holiday. Another feature on Valentine’s are well, valentines, which have existed since this holiday was around. As I said some time before, when some people think of vintage valentines, they tend to think about cutesy cards like the one I showed above. Yes, it has a quote from the Bible but I’d put it on there anyway if I didn’t. Now I could show you all the lovely vintage valentines on this post. But as before you’d find them drab and bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show you more of some of the vintage valentines that make you want to scratch your head and wonder why the hell did they exist. So for your reading pleasure, I present to you some more crazy valentines from yesterday.

  1. This lady has a Valentine’s Day offering from her boyfriend.
3e3543ec4983e483dd60d15ecd693c1a

Yes, you may wonder how she managed to snag a guy in the first place. However, perhaps it’s not our place to judge even though she kind of does seem like the kind of woman who’d put children in an oven.

2. Nothing shows the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a clown about to shoot himself.

12val-thumb-autox379-75386

Hey, man, just because she turned you down, doesn’t mean you have to end it all. It’s probably not your fault. Seriously, you need help.

3. “The blood tastes like love, I play it a song while it bleeds!”

55

And from the look at this boy’s face, I suspect that he’ll be on his way to become a future neighborhood psychokiller. Avoid him like the plague.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than sending your sweetheart a card stealthily asking her for sex.

475f81e324e5603ac7bdaee0fbe6e95d

Yes, I know what “yank my doodle means.” And no, I really don’t want to know whether it’s a dandy. Really don’t want to know.

5. “You can’t put the ‘fire’ in my heart for you!”

5f887c942e85138aff39a417ebefda98

Seems like there’s a fire between the girl’s legs and despite her dress about to be burnt, she seems quite excited at the boy having his hose up that’s spraying water everywhere. Now that doesn’t look right.

6. “I don’t….’aim’ to miss – I want you for my valentine!”

5408540343_8c08d79e90_b

Yes, nothing looks better on a valentine than an image of a smoking gun. You know, something that was made to kill stuff with the pull of a trigger. Not sure if that’s appropriate for romance.

7. You can’t have cuter valentine than one of a cute witch cooking a bunch of hearts in a cauldron.

5437029313_3f91338b17_o

Guys, take note, if this cute witch asks for a potion of your love, you give it to her, please. Otherwise, you might end up like the others who refused her. Look in the pot.

8. Wood you be a valentine for this eager beaver?

94a1f549739656edc56e22c224f6c736

For a rather wholesome animal, they tend to be featured on rather dirty valentines. This one is no exception, especially since the eager beaver is female and asks for wood.

9. This butcher will “stake” his heart on you.

6756881363_139c0518b4_b

And there he goes gleefully raising his cleaver as he cuts some meat on a wooden table. Yes, butcher themed valentines are rather disturbing to say the least.

10. “Don’t be cross, ‘gas’ who it is?”

cdb90ba7e5209257ca2ed1de6076f8fa

I don’t know. Some terrifying battlefield nurse with a very inappropriate bedside manner? That’s the impression I get from this.

11. On Valentine’s Day, he’s going hunting to find a fine valentine like you.

creepy-coontail-boy-sm2

I don’t know about you, but I’d avoid this boy with a vengeance even if he does have a box of chocolates. Seriously, that look in his eyes makes him seem like he has murder on the mind. Or he just may be an “excitable boy” (in the Warren Zevon context).

12. The Devil knows that you’ll have a hot time with him on Valentine’s Day.

eb51965dae19bb935f715774434644ca

Then again, I might want to take a pass on this satyr boy from hell. He just looks evil if you ask me. Then again, you should expect that from Satan.

13. Of course, nothing brings out the wholesome romantic spirit of Valentines Day than a date with ice cream.

enhanced-buzz-20352-1359510892-2

Okay, that’s probably the most phallic ice cream cone I’ve ever seen. Yes, it’s a double header. all right, but it resembles some guy’s junk. Some guy’s junk, I tell you.

14. This bunny is loaded with love for you.

a0def0bb4483d1f46e102cba54353e26

This bunny is also carrying a loaded shotgun that’s just discharged. Let’s just say this little gun toting rabbit just failed Gun Safety 101.

15. “Just say you’ll be my valentine and watch me ‘lap it up.'”

enhanced-buzz-20690-1359510974-0

Okay, that’s not the kind of relationship anyone should have with their canine companions. Seriously, why anyone think that this card was a good idea? Why?

16. This Valentine’s Day feature: Dickie’s Romance.

enhanced-buzz-22245-1359510916-0

A dickie t’ween you and me. I think I get the message on that one. Yet, I’m not sure if he’s talking about the movie or something else.

17. This firefighter is burning to know hose valentine are you.

enhanced-buzz-22416-1359510936-12

Again with the fireman motifs. Still, if she says it’s not him, is the firefighter going to leave so she’ll burn to a crisp? That’s what I’m wondering.

18. “Valentine, ‘house’ my chance to ‘nail’ you for mine?”

enhanced-buzz-22463-1359510716-4

This boy seems to have such an innocent face for an outright pervert. Yeah, this is a pretty dirty valentine asking to get some.

19. “I’m cock sure you’re meant to be my valentine!”

enhanced-buzz-29339-1359510951-0

Not sure if the kid was being wholesome. But the moment when you see the word, “cock.” you’re bound to imagine what’s the nature of his intentions.

20. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like forcing yourself onto the object of your affections.

desktop-1423156613

Uh, I don’t know about you. But I think “steal a hug” might qualify as sexual harassment since it’s totally unwanted. And he’s basically saying that he’s coming on to her whether she wants him or not. How romantic! Yeah right.

21. If you like ’em smooth and slick, then he’s the guy you want to pick.

f567e93291803c91adc468a90efe98ac

Is that the kid from the Big Boy restaurant chain? Man, has he grown. And he seems to be way more creepy than how I remember him.

22. “You can kick me around and I won’t mind, valentine!”

desktop-1423156597

Translated: “You can treat me like crap all you want but I don’t care.” Seems like such sender either is so desperate for a valentine and has no self-esteem or is a masochist. So maybe you shouldn’t lead with that.

23. “You ‘strike’ me just right, my valentine!”

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-6

Clearly, this doesn’t seem like a foundation to a healthy relationship. Sure she hit the ball that gave him a black eye by accident, but still. It’s pretty disturbing.

24. “I’m out to get you for my valentine.”

desktop-1423156589

Great, I’ll be under my bed. Couldn’t possibly see anything more romantic than having my life threatened into being your valentine (sarcasm).

25. “You’re my target so be my valentine.”

8b527f35c185625edde6b3efdfa0db5e

Okay, so is this supposed to be a friendly request or a death threat? So I guess this guy is going to vaporize me if I say no? Brilliant!

26. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a circus clown scaring the bejesus out of you.

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-28

Hey, at least she only saw the spider. Still, I think the clown above is even more terrifying looking. If I were her, I’d just say no way in hell.

27. “I’m axin’ you to be my valentine.”

abdd1ca85dea75d7bd7f4f2436520063

I don’t think “axin'” is the right word here. Still, I think I’d be scared of this kid getting a hold of an ax. Seriously, I’d be afraid of him chopping me into little pieces as I sleep.

28. There’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a guy holding you at gunpoint.

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-31

Yes, he may be a detective like you see in the old movies. But I really wouldn’t go for him since he appears to have a gun pointed right at you. Doesn’t really help if you’re looking for love.

29. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile than a passionate embrace.

e41ed3e131d5aaa5169c2a5429946b1f

For some reason, this picture reminds me less of passionate romance and more of the time when Adrien Brody won for Best Actor at the Oscars. But I think Halle Berry took it surprisingly better than the guy in question in this card.

30. “It’ll be monstrous, valentine, if you won’t be mine.”

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-36

Okay, I think this might mean that Frankie’s not the kind of guy who takes rejection well. And that’s not good. Really not good.

31. “My Valentine, I’m pan-handling for your love.”

62d207fa97970e6f76a88d98cafa4ec6

Now this pan headed woman is bound to cause anyone nightmares. Seriously, those eyes and that smile seem incredibly freaky that it’s scary.

32. This Valentine’s Day, tell your sweetheart how you really want it.

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-40

Yes, she seems to be a rather demure kind of girl. But had she lived around these days, I’d bet any money that she’d be a huge fan of 50 Shades of Grey. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

33. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nobody wants to be in the dog house.

c7292574cae268eccddbc3485f0bf6ac

Now it’s one thing to be sent to the dog house. But it’s insane that there’s a valentine depicting a kid being tied up in a dog house like a dog. Seriously, that’s crazy.

34. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine.”

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-50

Uh, how old is this girl supposed to be? Because I don’t think her appearing naked like this is appropriate for a valentine. I could be wrong.

35. You know what’s a great Valentine’s Day ride? A steamroller.

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-51

“Well, I’m a steamroller, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./Yes, I’m a steamroller now, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./I’m gonna inject your soul with some sweet rock ‘n roll and shoot you full of rhythm and blues.” Still, I’d clear the ground before he rolls along.

36. “I’ll be ‘burned’ up, if you won’t be my valentine.”

d5d0b825d82ba860a266a7edc931719b

Does anyone think that tying yourself on a stake and setting yourself on fire a incredibly crazy? So why is there such image on a valentine. Seriously, why? That’s insane.

37. There’s nothing so romantic on Valentine’s Day than being robbed at gunpoint.

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-54

Sorry, man, but I don’t think committing daylight armed robberies is a great way to pick up chicks. Don’t mean to put you down. Just telling you like it is.

38. When it comes to sending a valentine, Disney is always a good choice.

7e28276473ded6d5ec9dd243b2f0472d

Just make sure that they aren’t old Disney valentines. Because the old Mickey and Minnie here are utterly horrifying. And no, I don’t want Mickey to come down to earth.

39. “Please take stock in what I say – I want you for my valentine.”

e86757d13c3db8c0cec1354e3d6f2066

Okay, this isn’t as bad as the girl being burned at the stake. But still, it’s pretty messed up. Why the hell they thought it was a good idea, I’ll never know.

40. “Tain’t so screwy, my love is permanent, be my valentine.”

ab06ac32a1a7084cb9ca58569868bedf

To be fair, women had their hair done like this back in the day. However, nowadays, it seems to resemble some terrifying sci-fi torture device.

41. “I’d like to hog you for my valentine so….don’t squeal on me!”

d49323db543112983e325effc118d1c7

Hate to squeal about this one, but this pig is terrifying. Seriously, it seems like it wants to extract some kind of evil ploy on the farmers who killed its family.

42. “Scrubbed so clean you’ll be my queen, valentine.”

Rude-Vintage-Valentines-Card-67

For the love of God, whoever designed a creepy card like this would sure as hell be on some list of sex offenders as we speak. Seriously, this card is so inappropriate on so many levels it’s not even funny. Why the hell did they think it was a good idea? Why?

43. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day more romantic than your cannibalistic girlfriend cooking you alive.

Screen-Shot-2013-02-14-at-11.55.09-AM

I think for most people this would be rather nightmarish. But this guy doesn’t seem to mind as long as he gets to look at her boobs.

44. “You’re good enough to eat, valentine.”

tigervalentine

Of course, this isn’t the kind of compliment you’d want to receive from a big hungry cat. Because for all you know, they might seriously think of devouring you.

45. “I’ll purr-sue you always, my valentine.”

Valentines002

Okay, this is the kind of girl you’d want to avoid. Might want to call for a restraining order if she’s ever into you. Still, I really feel bad for that cat. Poor thing.

46. When it comes to valentines, people also like receiving presents with them.

e560e86998c0cd007efe22ca5acab59e

I’m sure it would be nothing that this creepy boy has in his packages. Because for all we know, they could be beating hearts of all the girls whom he murdered after they rejected his advances.

47. “Ain’t love a swell condition? I caught it from you.”

a52a4c8f89f4d5d07494b66afcf2dddd

Yeah, but having a bandage around your head sure isn’t. Besides, it kind of makes this kid look a bit freaky if you ask me.

48. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without including its cherubic mascot Cupid.

vintage-creepy-valentines-day-cards-naked-baby-gun (1)

And it seems like he’s preparing for some sort of home invasion as I see it. He even has a stash of arrows, a sack of hearts, and a gun. Why he’s like this, I have no idea.

49. “You’ll missile – lot if you won’t be my valentine.”

d21a0af5f9f65c7fb242ee5b34850eed

Nevertheless, kid, hold that missile long enough and I’m sure you’ll be blown from here to kingdom come. Seriously, that doesn’t look safe by any stretch of the imagination.

50. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nothing can be more spectacular than seeing hearts in the sky.

zp_a-vintage-valentines-day-card

Though with hearts flying into a spider web, I beg to differ. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if this valentine was brought to you by somebody’s drug-induced hallucination trip.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Second Edition)

Vintage-Valentine-3

Since I posted my last vintage Valentines post last year in January, it’s become one of my most popular blog posts ever with 1,517 views and over 40 shares on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. I especially get a lot of views for this post around Valentine’s Day for obvious reasons. Well, for those who loved my last bunch of vintage Valentines, there’s a lot more where that came from. Whether they be racist, sexist, offensive, or somewhat carry unfortunate implications. Many of these vintage greeting cards may make you wonder why people would send these to each other or even their sweethearts. Sometimes they make you wish you can send them to your classmates while in elementary school. Some might have seen as a good idea at the time to the designer but seem to carry unfortunate implications by today’s standards. So without further adieu, here are some more of the wonderful vintage Valentines from yesterday.

1. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a fly telling you to stick around or catch on.

Or from the fly's perspective, "Fly on this tape you'll be stuck on forever and die."

Or from the fly’s perspective, “Fly on this tape you’ll be stuck on forever and die.” How romantic!

2. Of course, there’s nothing more romantic place on Valentine’s Day than a butcher shop.

Now I'm not sure if I'm creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I'm not sure if "I'd like to meat you, valentine," is a cute message or a way to tell them you're a cannibal.

Now I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I’m not sure if “I’d like to meat you, valentine,” is a cute message or a way to tell them you’re a cannibal.

3. Say that you’ll never be false to your valentine by sending them a card with a set of dentures.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you'll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that's disgusting.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you’ll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that’s disgusting.

4. For Valentine’s Day assure that your heart only pants for only them by sending them a valentine with bloomers.

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, "pants" means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, “pants” means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a cat telling you that she’ll be your sweetie pie if you make the dough.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

6. Of course, there’s nothing like a valentine from a sweetheart saying that he’s not being exclusive.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I'd be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I’d be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a card depicting an adorable rendering of every parents’ worst nightmare.

Seriously, this is a child for God's sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

Seriously, this is a child for God’s sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

8. Of course, you can’t say “I love you” without saying how you’d go for them in a big way.

Of course, I'm not sure if I'd want a guy saying he's in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he's seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

Of course, I’m not sure if I’d want a guy saying he’s in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he’s seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

9. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than having a boy seize a girl’s eyes and mouth from behind.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn't careful enough.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn’t careful enough.

10. Happy Valentine’s Day from Popeye the Sailor Man.

Okay, that's a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn't know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason.

Okay, that’s a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn’t know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason. Also the girl is totally not Olive Oyl by any means.

11. Nothing says you need to thaw out like a Valentine depicting a girl in the refrigerator.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would've been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would’ve been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

12. When searching for a girlfriend, it’s best that you go dressed in a matching checkered deer stalker cap and tweed with orange as well as a deer hunting rifle. Seriously, for some men, finding a girlfriend is like deer hunting.

Apparently, this card's designer hasn't read "The Most Dangerous Game." It's about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

Apparently, this card’s designer hasn’t read “The Most Dangerous Game.” It’s about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

13. Of course, what better valentine to send your sweetheart than one depicting kids on the playground.

Is it just me or does this valentine's message seem apparently dirty? I don't know but I have a feeling, "mount" doesn't really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

Is it just me or does this valentine’s message seem apparently dirty? I don’t know but I have a feeling, “mount” doesn’t really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

14. Of course, nothing can be more adorable on Valentine’s Day than a cute angel building a snowman.

What I don't get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

What I don’t get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

15. Happy Valentine’s Day by some person of indeterminate gender and his or her cat/dog hybrid pet in the dog house.

Now what I don't understand is the message, "Sweetheart dear, I'm in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-" oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn't it? It's even dirtier if you or your valentine's British since "pants" means what you wear under your trousers.

Now what I don’t understand is the message, “Sweetheart dear, I’m in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-” oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn’t it? It’s even dirtier if you or your valentine’s British since “pants” means what you wear under your trousers.

16. Happy Valentine’s Day from flapper fish but don’t ask me how she uses her fins.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can't breathe outside water and fire can't survive in water. So how's that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don't ask me.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can’t breathe outside water and fire can’t survive in water. So how’s that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don’t ask me.

17. There’s no better occasion than Valentine’s Day to tell your loved one how much you hate Asian people and that you can’t keep it in your pants.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I'm being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst since this screams racism. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I’m being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

18. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than offensively mocking Native Americans with demeaning stereotypes.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team's name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It's offensive.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team’s name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It’s offensive like this Valentine of these kids thinking that Indians practice human sacrifice.

19. A valentine depicting a beaver carving a heart. Don’t see what can go wrong with that?

Of course, anyone who's over a certain age knows what "beaver" also pertain to. It's even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

Of course, anyone who’s over a certain age knows what “beaver” also pertain to. It’s even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

20. Of course, there’s nothing like some hotdogs on the fire during Valentine’s Day.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog's face.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog’s face.

21. Nothing makes a more romantic valentine than one of a pirate threatening to kidnap you.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it. Seriously, abduction for love is a thing and it’s not pretty.

22. Be my valentine or this means war.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can't refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn't okay in the least. What's wrong with, "I'll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?" Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can’t refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn’t okay in the least. What’s wrong with, “I’ll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?” Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

23. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a valentine of a lonely dog about to shoot himself.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? "Be my valentine or I'm going to shoot myself?" If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? “Be my valentine or I’m going to shoot myself?” If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

24. Be my valentine or I’ll murder you, burn your body, and put your ashes in the trash can.

It's not what's in the trash can, it's who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can gives you a clue.

It’s not what’s in the trash can, it’s who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can of ashes gives you a clue.

25. Happy Valentine’s Day from Ronald McDonald.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he's always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he's about to haunt you in your dreams.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he’s always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he’s about to haunt your dreams. Hope you love therapy.

26. Give me a kiss and I won’t bite your head off.

Of course, this doesn't help that the wolf looks as if it's ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It's pretty terrifying if you ask me.

Of course, this doesn’t help that the wolf looks as if it’s ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It’s pretty terrifying if you ask me.

27. Aw, a cat licking some little kid clean, what can possibly go wrong with that?

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

28. This sailor has a cannon only loaded with love for you, valentine.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn't recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy's legs. This sort of makes the "loaded only with love for you, valentine" seem a quite inappropriate, indeed.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn’t recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy’s legs. This sort of makes the “loaded only with love for you, valentine” have a whole new dirty meaning.

29. Happy Valentine’s Day and I’ll ski into your heart whether you like it or not.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she's gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That's not cute, it's scary.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she’s gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That’s not cute, it’s scary.

30. Be my valentine or I’ll send my duck billed crocodile after you.

Doesn't help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don't know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don't have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn't look so good.

Doesn’t help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don’t know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn’t look so good.

31. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than two hot dogs in love.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don't want to know what's more. Seriously, this valentine's designer must've been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don’t want to know what’s more. Seriously, this valentine’s designer must’ve been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

32. Happy Valentine’s Day from psycho pig.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he'll make sure you're as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he’ll make sure you’re as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

33. Don’t be a dummy and be my valentine.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a crazy mouse caught in a trap.

I don't know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

I don’t know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

35. Be my valentine and let’s be cuffed together for all eternity.

What's this? Our grandparents' BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

What’s this? Our grandparents’ BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

36. Be my valentine or I’ll blow my top if you say no. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I'm not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don't seem like they're up to any good.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I’m not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don’t seem like they’re up to any good.

37. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than cruelty to animals.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I'm sure the cat's not liking it. Still, this girl is like, "I'll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever." Giggle, giggle.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I’m sure the cat’s not liking it. Still, this girl is like, “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Giggle, giggle.

38. Be my valentine and I won’t be the fish that got away.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let's hope this fish isn't out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let’s hope this fish isn’t out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

39. Valentine, you are the apple of my eye.

Let's hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don't ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people's heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

Let’s hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don’t ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people’s heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

40. Valentine, even if you’d toss my love aside like Bluebeard, I’d still want you.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it's not like he just leaves them.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from medieval European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it’s not like he just leaves them.

41. Must I hammer it in until you be my valentine?

I don't know about you but, isn't hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I'm just saying.

I don’t know about you but, isn’t hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I’m just saying.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy in your drink.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it's pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it's just a very big glass to begin with.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it’s pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it’s just a very big glass to begin with.

43. When it comes to the chase, some give up, some persist before they get the hint or restraining, and some keep trying beyond the grave.

Billy may be dead but he's still determined to win Karen's heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn't had a good night sleep since.

Billy may be dead but he’s still determined to win Karen’s heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn’t had a good night sleep since.

44. Surrender and be my prisoner er-I mean valentine. That’s it.

Of course, this would've been quite different if she didn't come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

Of course, this would’ve been quite different if she didn’t come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from your neighborhood 1950s diner that hires the ugly people.

Basically this is Miss Frizzle before she had the magic school bus. Of course, she went through a very awkward phase in high school and really didn't go out much with boys for obvious reasons.

Basically this is Lady Elaine back when she was working at the neighborhood of Make Believe diner and malt shop during the 1950s before it went out of business. Yes, she was going through a very awkward phase in high school.

46. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than some hot condiment on hotdog action. This time, it’s the pickle jar’s turn.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

47. You’re unusual, valentine, like the bearded lady.

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn't be happy at all. I mean if you're a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying "you're ugly."

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn’t be happy at all. I mean if you’re a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying “you’re ugly.”

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your generic horror movie monster whatever it is.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine's Day isn't your holiday.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t your holiday.

49. Be my valentine, sunshine, or I’ll kill you.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don't mess with this dame here.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don’t mess with this dame here.

50. Your eyes are brown like the harsh tobacco I inhale through too packs a day, which kills 1/3 of its users each year and is slowly killing me.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she's like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she's bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can't seem to quit her.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she’s like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she’s bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can’t seem to quit her. And if he’s with her long enough he’ll spend his last days slowly dying of cancer in the hospital if the heart attack doesn’t kill him first.

Be Mine with These Valentine’s Day Treats

Valentines_Day_Treats_0034

Food wise, Valentine’s Day has it’s own share of goodies but usually pertains to stuff that you’d basically make for your kids during their school V-Day party event. Of course, while there may be parties, they aren’t nearly as extravagant as what you’d see on Christmas, Halloween, or the Super Bowl even. I mean, I’ve basically found no Valentine’s Day vegetable dip tray, ever. Yet, since I’ve done previous articles on treats from almost every single big holiday since Halloween, I should probably do one. After all, even if you don’t have a sweetheart this V-Day, it’s a very big holiday for treats, especially if you’re in elementary school or have child in one, especially since kids are basically obligated to bring valentines as well as treats to the whole class. And it’s usually up to the parents’ creative juices or bank account to make that possible. Not to mention, children will have to do Valentine’s Day craft projects in art class. Nevertheless, whether you’re a parent or a repressed art or culinary person, I have some treats for you that might be up your alley. So without further adieu, here are some sweet V-Day treats you might want to make for the ones you love. Still, this article might taste like diabetes since most of them are sugary sweet and may make you gag on sight of sentimentality.

1. These arrow cupcakes will basically melt your heart.

Of course, the arrows aren't edible since they're made with straws and paper. Still, they're adorable if you ask me.

Of course, the arrows aren’t edible since they’re made with straws and paper. Still, they’re adorable if you ask me.

2. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like X’s and O’s sugar and sprinkle cookies.

Not only do these cookies represent hugs and kisses in the days before internet emoticons but they're also great for a cookie version of Tic-Tac-Toe.

Not only do these cookies represent hugs and kisses in the days before internet emoticons but they’re also great for a cookie version of Tic-Tac-Toe.

3. Sweeten up your Valentine’s Day with these lovebird cookies.

Of course, as you know being winter a lot of them roost down south. Still, it seems that one of them hasn't been paired off yet. Maybe he's lonely. Or she. I can't tell with these birds.

Of course, as you know being winter a lot of them roost down south. Still, it seems that one of them hasn’t been paired off yet. Maybe he’s lonely. Or she. I can’t tell with these birds.

4. Why stop making Valentine’s Day treats for your kids, when you can make some for your dog?

Yes, these are Valentine's Day dog treats and it's the first time I showed anything for pets on my treats post. Still, I'm not sure whether covering dog treats in icing is actually good for the dog. Seriously, I'd consult a vet about that.

Yes, these are Valentine’s Day dog treats and it’s the first time I showed anything for pets on my treats post. Still, I’m not sure whether covering dog treats in icing is actually good for the dog. Seriously, I’d consult a vet about that.

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a bouquet of watermelon and grapes.

Seriously, who eats watermelon in the middle of winter? It's a summer food for God's sake. Also, this might be made from Edible Arrangements.

Seriously, who eats watermelon in the middle of winter? It’s a summer food for God’s sake. Also, this might be made from Edible Arrangements.

6. Show your loved one you care with this heart shaped fruit salad.

Now this contains, blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, and raspberries. Basically fruits you'd consider out of season by this time of year and probably grown in California.

Now this contains, blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, and raspberries. Basically fruits you’d consider out of season by this time of year and probably grown in California.

7. At your Valentine’s Day party, you can’t go wrong with these hotdog and cheese toothpick favors.

However, I'm not sure that the meat is even cooked or whether it's safe to eat. Then again, it probably wouldn't look right if it was.

However, I’m not sure that the meat is even cooked or whether it’s safe to eat. Then again, it probably wouldn’t look right if it was.

8. For your kids’ Valentine’s Day events at school, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with these lovely owl brownies.

Of course,  some of these owls wink while others have purplish eyes. Then again, these could just be birds for all I know. Still, adorable.

Of course, some of these owls wink while others have purplish eyes. Then again, these could just be birds for all I know. Still, adorable.

9. Show your love this Valentine’s Day by giving  your sweetheart a bouquet of cupcake roses.

Of course, the best thing about these is that they're chocolate, which means this guy probably knows my own heart (just kidding).

Of course, the best thing about these is that they’re chocolate, which means this guy probably knows my own heart (just kidding).

10. Sweeten this Valentine’s Day by carving a heart right into these apples.

Of course, this idea not only features healthy food but also is very simple to do as long as you can draw hearts right.

Of course, this idea not only features healthy food but also is very simple to do as long as you can draw hearts right.

11. Now these hearty bear cookies are simply unbearable.

I like how all the hearts are around the creamy part of the cookie sandwiches. Seriously, these cookies are just so adorable.

I like how all the hearts are around the creamy part of the cookie sandwiches. Seriously, these cookies are just so adorable.

12. These Valentine’s Day penguin cookies may come from the cold but they’ll melt your heart.

I'm familiar with penguins for Christmas but penguins for Valentine's Day is a new one to me. Still, they're very cute and tend to be made from Oreos.

I’m familiar with penguins for Christmas but penguins for Valentine’s Day is a new one to me. Still, they’re very cute and tend to be made from Oreos.

13. Now these cookies show you and your loved one belong together like peanut butter and jelly.

Of course, this would be great for Jiff and Schmucker's new ad campaigns. Not to mention, they seem to resemble more like pop tarts than pieces of bread.

Of course, this would be great for Jiff and Schmucker’s new ad campaigns. Not to mention, they seem to resemble more like pop tarts than pieces of bread.

14. Stomach these butterfly pretzels this Valentine’s Day.

Eat these and you'll literally have butterflies in your stomach as far as I could see. Nevertheless, they seem too adorable to resist, especially in pink.

Eat these and you’ll literally have butterflies in your stomach as far as I could see. Nevertheless, they seem too adorable to resist, especially in pink.

15. Warm up somebody’s heart this Valentine’s Day with these heart shaped calzone.

Of course, these would be nice to make on a cold winter day, especially in the middle of a snow storm. Still, might go well with the football calzones in my last treat post on Super Bowl Sunday.

Of course, these would be nice to make on a cold winter day, especially in the middle of a snow storm. Still, might go well with the football calzones in my last treat post on Super Bowl Sunday.

16. If you can’t say it out loud, perhaps say it with cupcakes.

Then again, maybe it's should just be for your whole class if you're the teacher. It might sound stalkerish if all these cupcakes are for just one person.

Then again, maybe it’s should just be for your whole class if you’re the teacher. It might sound stalkerish if all these cupcakes are for just one person.

17. These heart shaped candy cupcakes are just as sweet as can be.

Of course, the hearts themselves are the kind of processed Little Debbie cakes you probably find at the grocery store. Yet, at least they're better than the real ones, which are from Necco.

Of course, the hearts themselves are the kind of processed Little Debbie cakes you probably find at the grocery store. Yet, at least they’re better than the real ones, which are from Necco.

18. Nothing is better for Valentine’s Day than these marshmallow love bugs on a stick.

Of course, some of these bugs are so hungry for love that they have hearts in their eyes. Still, very adorable as you can see.

Of course, some of these bugs are so hungry for love that they have hearts in their eyes. Still, very adorable as you can see.

19. Use the heart shaped candies to decorate your chocolate cake pops.

Then again, maybe the cake pops would taste better without the heart candies. I mean those things taste like a combination of sugar, chalk, and cough syrup.

Then again, maybe the cake pops would taste better without the heart candies. I mean those things taste like a combination of sugar, chalk, and cough syrup.

20. Wake up this Valentine’s Day with a heart egg on toast.

Or as the English call it, "Toad in a Hole" or "Egg in a Basket." Still, I'm sure someone would love this even if a child doesn't.

Or as the English call it, “Toad in a Hole” or “Egg in a Basket.” Still, I’m sure someone would love this even if a child doesn’t.

21. Wish your friends luck with these red fruit roll up fortune cookies this Valentine’s Day.

Of course, I wonder what's written on those pieces of paper. And I wonder if anyone would get the wrong idea.

Of course, I wonder what’s written on those pieces of paper. And I wonder if anyone would get the wrong idea. Still, the fruit roll up use is pretty clever.

22. Send your love to your friends this Valentine’s Day with these messaged heart cupcakes.

I hope the ones that receive the "I Love U" cakes don't get the wrong idea. Because that could lead to certain complications.

I hope the ones that receive the “I Love U” cakes don’t get the wrong idea. Because that could lead to certain complications.

23. Of course, this bird house love shack is place where birds can get together.

Sure gingerbread houses are mostly associated with Christmas. Yet, this one's a Valentine's Day one. Oh, and this one even has a little mailbox. Still, it's probably not for eating.

Sure gingerbread houses are mostly associated with Christmas. Yet, this one’s a Valentine’s Day one. Oh, and this one even has a little mailbox. Still, it’s probably not for eating.

24. To honor Saint Valentine’s Italian heritage (if he ever existed) here are some heart pizzas to love.

Notice that all these pizzas have red hearts on them whether they be pepperoni, pepper, or tomato. Nevertheless, there are a lot of variations here.

Notice that all these pizzas have red hearts on them whether they be pepperoni, pepper, or tomato. Nevertheless, there are a lot of variations here.

25. Give your loved ones these Teddy Bear cake pops to treasure.

Of course, where would we be without teddy bears on Valentine's Day (or chocolate for that matter)? Still, these bears look so good enough to eat.

Of course, where would we be without teddy bears on Valentine’s Day (or chocolate for that matter)? Still, these bears look so good enough to eat.

26. All these ladybugs need is someone to love.

Yes, these lady bug cookies with candy on them are adorable. Also, it's possible that some of these can be guys despite the name.

Yes, these lady bug cookies with candy on them are adorable. Also, it’s possible that some of these can be guys despite the name.

27. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a nice V-Day cake of a heart with roses on it.

I don't know about you but I think the strawberry syrup covering this cake kind of reminds me of fake blood you'd see on Halloween treats.

I don’t know about you but I think the strawberry syrup covering this cake kind of reminds me of fake blood you’d see on Halloween treats.

28. Of course, what’s Valentine’s Day without some strawberry tart hearts?

Of course, unlike Monty Python's "Dead Bishop on the Landing" sketch, these tarts don't have any rat in them. However, the Queen of Hearts should watch out for the knave. Or the Knave should know better than to steal them, especially if he's in Lewis Carroll's Wonderland.

Of course, unlike Monty Python’s “Dead Bishop on the Landing” sketch, these tarts don’t have any rat in them. However, the Queen of Hearts should watch out for the knave. Or the Knave should know better than to steal them, especially if he’s in Lewis Carroll’s Wonderland.

29. If you like Japanese food, try these heart sushi out for size.

Sure this sushi has carrots instead of raw fish. Yet, contrary to the common misconception, raw fish is actually optional for sushi. In fact, you can make sushi with just about anything as long as you wrap it in rice and seaweed.

Sure this sushi has carrots instead of raw fish. Yet, contrary to the common misconception, raw fish is actually optional for sushi. In fact, you can make sushi with just about anything as long as you wrap it in rice and seaweed.

30. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a heart fruit salad on Valentine’s Day.

Of course, this salad consists of cherries blueberries and strawberries all of which are out of season in February. Still, quite colorful to say the least.

Of course, this salad consists of cherries blueberries and strawberries all of which are out of season in February. Still, quite colorful to say the least.

31. Need something to do with your Christmas candy canes? So why don’t you make candy hearts on a stick with them for Valentine’s Day?

Of course, I'm sure that your Christmas candy canes might obviously be stale by then anyway. So maybe it's better to keep them in the wrappers.

Of course, I’m sure that your Christmas candy canes might obviously be stale by then anyway. So maybe it’s better to keep them in the wrappers.

32. Of course, you can’t have Valentine’s Day without a heart salad?

Of course, you have to remove the toothpicks before eating the carrots and tomatoes (which might not have any). Nevertheless, this is adorable.

Of course, you have to remove the toothpicks before eating the carrots and tomatoes (which might not have any). Nevertheless, this is adorable.

33. Make Valentine’s Day special with these candy heart cookies.

Of course, these sugar cookies probably taste much better than the real candy hearts which I say are basically disgusting. Seriously who thought those candy hearts were a great idea?

Of course, these sugar cookies probably taste much better than the real candy hearts which I say are basically disgusting. Seriously who thought those candy hearts were a great idea?

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like red velvet cheesecake hearts.

I like how these heart cheese cakes have strings coming from them as if they're a bunch of balloons. Now that's quite clever.

I like how these heart cheese cakes have strings coming from them as if they’re a bunch of balloons. Now that’s quite clever.

35. Of course, you can’t have Valentine’s Day without a triple decker Rice Krispie treat heart cake.

Yes, you can be sure that you'll see a Rice Krispie dessert on this post.  It's amazing the kinds of culinary creations you can do with them. Still, this is quite adorable.

Yes, you can be sure that you’ll see a Rice Krispie dessert on this post. It’s amazing the kinds of culinary creations you can do with them. Still, this is quite adorable.

36. Sweeten up Valentine’s Day with these heart fruit kabobs.

Of course, these consist of watermelon, cantaloupe, and a melon, I think. Nevertheless, it's cute how these kebobs are meant to look like arrows.

Of course, these consist of watermelon, cantaloupe, and a melon, I think. Nevertheless, it’s cute how these kebobs are meant to look like arrows.

37. These lip cookies are certainly worth kissing for.

I wonder if they managed to find a lip cookie cutter at some kind of sex shop or something. Well, I've never seen such cookie cutters in any other store like that. Seriously, I haven't.

I wonder if they managed to find a lip cookie cutter at some kind of sex shop or something. Well, I’ve never seen such cookie cutters in any other store like that. Seriously, I haven’t.

38. Show love for your kid this Valentine’s Day with a V-Day lunch set.

Seems like this consists of 3 heart sandwiches, 3 cracker piles, a strawberry, and a couple other things. Still, it kind of seems like a bit much for child's lunch box.

Seems like this consists of 3 heart sandwiches, 3 cracker piles, a strawberry, and a couple other things. Still, it kind of seems like a bit much for child’s lunch box.

39. You can never keep too many hearts in a cookie jar of love.

Of course, I can say this since this jar is an actual cookie. Yet, I'm sure the string on the lid isn't edible. Well, if the hearts aren't candy.

Of course, I can say this since this jar is an actual cookie. Yet, I’m sure the string on the lid isn’t edible. Well, if the hearts aren’t candy.

40. Treat your valentine with these heart lattice cookies topped with gum drops.

Of course, I'd rather just pluck off the gum drops and eat the cookies. Seriously, gum drops are disgusting. Still, I have no idea how they manage to do the lattice bit.

Of course, I’d rather just pluck off the gum drops and eat the cookies. Seriously, gum drops are disgusting. Still, I have no idea how they manage to do the lattice bit.

41. Now these cupcakes are full of X’s, O’s and hearts.

Whatever's on these cookies seem too alike to be cherries or anything grown in a garden. So they must be candies. Also, it seems that the heart team won at Tic-Tac-Toe.

Whatever’s on these cookies seem too alike to be cherries or anything grown in a garden. So they must be candies. Also, it seems that the heart team won at Tic-Tac-Toe.

42. Give your valentine a special treat with these chocolate cake pop hearts.

Now I bet you these were dipped in chocolate before being covered with sprinkles and/or heart decorations. Some more than others.

Now I bet you these were dipped in chocolate before being covered with sprinkles and/or heart decorations. Some more than others.

43. Of course, these Rice Krispie treats will go straight to your heart.

Like the cupcakes above the arrows are made of paper and straws. Yet, these are also covered in icing and pink drizzle.

Like the cupcakes above the arrows are made of paper and straws. Yet, these are also covered in icing and pink drizzle.

44. Wish your loved ones good luck with these fortune cookies.

Now these aren't real fortune cookies as you see with one of them broken in half. They're actually sugar cookies covered in icing and sprinkles.

Now these aren’t real fortune cookies as you see with one of them broken in half. They’re actually sugar cookies covered in icing and sprinkles.

45. Now with these cookies, nothing can be any sweeter.

Now while most of these are hearts, some of them are quite creative. For instance, there's a cupcake, flower, dove, a thought cloud and 2 hearts together.

Now while most of these are hearts, some of them are quite creative. For instance, there’s a cupcake, flower, dove, a thought cloud and 2 hearts together.

46. These 3 little monsters just need a little bit of love.

Now these are just simply adorable yet I wonder what's underneath their thick layers of icing meant to resemble fur. Probably cake.

Now these are just simply adorable yet I wonder what’s underneath their thick layers of icing meant to resemble fur. Probably cake.

47. These lego candy figures must have their hearts beating.

Now these are just so creative. Whoever had the idea of using Lego figures for Valentine's Day must be some sort of genius or wizard.

Now these are just so creative. Whoever had the idea of using Lego figures for Valentine’s Day must be some sort of genius or wizard.

48. These pretzel and gum drop arrows would go straight to your heart.

I'd just eat the pretzels and leave out the gum drops. Seriously, gum drops are disgusting candies. Yet, really cute to say the least.

I’d just eat the pretzels and leave out the gum drops. Seriously, gum drops are disgusting candies. Yet, really cute to say the least.

49. Nothing makes a great Valentine’s Day dinner like a heart pizza.

Now I like how they have heart pepperoni on this pizza. Yet, what's with the olives? Seriously, why?

Now I like how they have heart pepperoni on this pizza. Yet, what’s with the olives? Seriously, why? Not to mention, the yellow and white cheese.

50. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a heart peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Now this is a nice idea for kids on V-Day. Yet, I'm not sure that leaving the jelly uncovered is a good idea, especially if you put it in a little plastic bag.

Now this is a nice idea for kids on V-Day. Yet, I’m not sure that leaving the jelly uncovered is a good idea, especially if you put it in a little plastic bag.

51. These Valentine cheese, pepperoni, and crackers would make perfect party appetizer.

I like how they're used on the butterfly crackers. Also like how they have XOX in cheese and the heart shaped cheese and pepperoni.

I like how they’re used on the butterfly crackers. Also like how they have XOX in cheese and the heart shaped cheese and pepperoni.

52. Now these heart gobs are simply to die for.

Let's just hope the pink bit isn't strawberry flavored. I mean it's said that strawberry and chocolate don't taste good together.

Let’s just hope the pink bit isn’t strawberry flavored. I mean it’s said that strawberry and chocolate don’t taste good together.

53. Now these heart pizzas will certainly make your valentine smile.

Of course, these are among things made for kids. Still, I think these pizzas are so cute, especially with the olive eyes.

Of course, these are among things made for kids. Still, I think these pizzas are so cute, especially with the olive eyes.

54. These Rice Krispie heart pops are simply lovely.

Of course these are covered in icing and sprinkles. Yet, these are so cute though they may contain a lot of sugar.

Of course these are covered in icing and sprinkles. Yet, these are so cute though they may contain a lot of sugar.

55. If you can’t say it with flowers, say it with these tomato tulips.

Now these tomatoes are cut, stuffed with cream cheese, and have long onions as stems. Still, a pretty clever idea if you think about. Sure won't have these delivered to you from Edible Arrangements.

Now these tomatoes are cut, stuffed with cream cheese, and have long onions as stems. Still, a pretty clever idea if you think about. Sure won’t have these delivered to you from Edible Arrangements.

56. Treat your dog this Valentine’s Day with this iced treat bone.

I don't know whether it's a V-Day dog treat or a human treat emphasizing puppy love. Still, people can be quite weird with their pets sometimes they can see them too much as children.

I don’t know whether it’s a V-Day dog treat or a human treat emphasizing puppy love. Still, people can be quite weird with their pets sometimes they can see them too much as children.

57. Wake up your valentine with these heart cinnamon rolls.

Okay, this is very irresistible stuff as well as addicting. Nevertheless, it's nice how they made these rolls into hearts and fit time in a dish.

Okay, this is very irresistible stuff as well as addicting. Nevertheless, it’s nice how they made these rolls into hearts and fit time in a dish.

58. Show your love this Valentine’s Day with these watermelon hearts.

Of course, they have watermelon hearts and orange arrow ends as well as connected by toothpicks. Still, these are so clever and healthier than some of the arrow hearts.

Of course, they have watermelon hearts and orange arrow ends as well as connected by toothpicks. Still, these are so clever and healthier than some of the arrow hearts.

59. Cool down this Valentine’s Day with this heart ice cream sandwich.

Let's hope that's not strawberry ice cream filling because combining it with chocolate tastes disgusting. Also, I hope the lights don't make it melt.

Let’s hope that’s not strawberry ice cream filling because combining it with chocolate tastes disgusting. Also, I hope the lights don’t make it melt.

60. Show your sweetheart you’re hot stuff with some hearty potato chips and salsa dip.

Of course, chips and salsa might be more appropriate for a different occasion. Say, Super Bowl Sunday.

Of course, chips and salsa might be more appropriate for a different occasion. Say, Super Bowl Sunday.

61. Have your valentine wake up to the smell of these heart doughnuts in the morning.

Of course, this would be a great valentine for your neighborhood police officer walking the beat, stereotypically speaking.

Of course, this would be a great valentine for your neighborhood police officer walking the beat, stereotypically speaking.

62. Now this is a great part of a complete Valentine’s Day breakfast.

Of course, there's heart fruit salad and heart pancakes with a heart pin through them. Not to mention, sprinkle sauce to top them. Still, seems made for a kid.

Of course, there’s heart fruit salad and heart pancakes with a heart pin through them. Not to mention, sprinkle sauce to top them. Still, seems made for a kid.

63. Make Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with these love bug cupcakes.

Sure these are full of sugar and may cause diabetes. Yet, they're just so adorable your kids will love them.

Sure these are full of sugar and may cause diabetes. Yet, they’re just so adorable your kids will love them.

64. Treat your valentine to these lovely striped chocolate hearts.

I don't know about you but these are probably cakes underneath the icing. Still, since they're chocolate, I'll certainly eat them.

I don’t know about you but these are probably cakes underneath the icing. Still, since they’re chocolate, I’ll certainly eat them.

65. Make Valentine’s Day special with this large strawberry heart cake.

Methinks, this was professionally done in some sort of bakery. Seriously, I can't see how even a housewife can have that much time on their hands.

Methinks, this was professionally done in some sort of bakery. Seriously, I can’t see how even a housewife can have that much time on their hands.

66. Show your love with these fruit tart heart cookies this special Valentine’s Day.

Now these may look tasty to some. Yet, to many fruit cookies are just disgusting. Then again, the filling is probably just jelly.

Now these may look tasty to some. Yet, to many fruit cookies are just disgusting. Then again, the filling is probably just jelly.

67. Make a nice Valentine’s Day snack with these potato heart cookies.

Now these might be more appropriate for Super Bowl Sunday than Valentine's Day. In fact, they might be more appropriate for Saint Patrick's Day since they're made from potato.

Now these might be more appropriate for Super Bowl Sunday than Valentine’s Day. In fact, they might be more appropriate for Saint Patrick’s Day since they’re made from potato.

68. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a bouquet of chocolate covered cookies or something.

Of course, like the heart pops, these were covered and chocolate and decorated with sprinkles. Yet, some are more intricate than others.

Of course, like the heart pops, these were covered and chocolate and decorated with sprinkles. Yet, some are more intricate than others.

69. Treat your valentine than toast with a heart made of strawberry jelly, I think.

Now I think this makes up for a sweet breakfast don't you think? Better than a heart Toad in a Hole, in my view.

Now I think this makes up for a sweet breakfast don’t you think? Better than a heart Toad in a Hole, in my view.

70. Nothing is sweeter for Valentine’s Day than these Oreo mini cake sandwiches.

Of course, these have not just Oreo cake, but icing and sprinkles, too. Still, these are adorable and look good enough to eat.

Of course, these have not just Oreo cake, but icing and sprinkles, too. Still, these are adorable and look good enough to eat.

71. For your Valentine’s Day appetizers, you can’t do wrong with heart shrimp.

Of course, this is probably for a restaurant as it seems like. Still, I know some people might find this arrangement tasty.

Of course, this is probably for a restaurant as it seems like. Still, I know some people might find this arrangement tasty.

72. For your Valentine’s Day lunch, you might want to go with these heart sandwiches.

Of course, I'm not sure if those are regular sandwiches or BLTs. Then again, it's okay to look under them, is it?

Of course, I’m not sure if those are regular sandwiches or BLTs. Then again, it’s okay to look under them, is it?

73. Nothing makes a Valentine’s Day dinner memorable than having heart burgers and heart potato chips.

Of course, these might be bad for your heart if you aren't too careful. Don't say I didn't warn you about that.

Of course, these might be bad for your heart if you aren’t too careful. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about that.

74. Have your sweetheart wake up to these heart waffles this Valentine’s Day.

Of course, it's a more nutritious meal if you just add the blueberries. Still, I think these might be store bought.

Of course, it’s a more nutritious meal if you just add the blueberries. Still, I think these might be store bought.

75. Start your sweetheart’s day with these heart nutella and strawberry pop tarts.

Of course, these pop tarts are much better for you than those you buy at a store. Nevertheless, these are adorable.

Of course, these pop tarts are much better for you than those you buy at a store. Nevertheless, these are adorable.

76. Now nothing makes Valentine’s Day quite romantic than having such heart sandwiches as these.

Of course, these are caviar sandwiches as you can see with the dress one. Nevertheless, they may be too expensive to make and I wouldn't recommend it.

Of course, these are caviar sandwiches as you can see with the dress one. Nevertheless, they may be too expensive to make and I wouldn’t recommend it.

77. Show your love to your children with these pink love train cookies.

Now these sweet candy/cookie trains are adorable and would make wonderful treats for a child's school V-Day bash. Man, what you can do with pink cookies and life savers.

Now these sweet candy/cookie trains are adorable and would make wonderful treats for a child’s school V-Day bash. Man, what you can do with pink cookies and life savers.

78. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a fruit tray of grapes and chocolate covered strawberries in a heart.

Of course, you can dip the strawberries in the chocolate fondue fountain. The grapes, not so much.

Of course, you can dip the strawberries in the chocolate fondue fountain. The grapes, not so much.

79. Of course, you can’t have Valentine’s Day without some heart candy corn.

I know that this candy is probably home made. Yet, since it's a controversial candy for Halloween, I wouldn't risk making candy corn for Valentine's Day.

I know that this candy is probably home made. Yet, since it’s a controversial candy for Halloween, I wouldn’t risk making candy corn for Valentine’s Day.

80. Treat your sweetheart to these Valentine’s Day jello hearts.

Of course, these are just jello squares with hearts in them. Yet, don't ask me how someone can pull that off because I don't really have jello that much anymore.

Of course, these are just jello squares with hearts in them. Yet, don’t ask me how someone can pull that off because I don’t really have jello that much anymore.

Happy Valentine’s Day with These Vintage Ads of Yesterday

San-Valentino-per-coca-cola-1960

To be honest, I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s because it’s a holiday centered around romance while I haven’t experienced much of it since most of the guys I had things for didn’t like me back or just have a funny way of showing it that I didn’t quite get which sometimes sent me to suspect the worst (you know who you are). Then again, contrary to what 30 Rock says Saint Valentine’s Day isn’t a Catholic holy day since we’re not sure whether the martyred bishop of love was a real person (not to mention that most Catholic Masses don’t last beyond 45 minutes). Still, with the exception of getting chocolate candy from my parents and flowers, I can basically take or leave it. Still, since sweethearts tend to exchange gifts such as jewelry, flowers, candy, lingerie, or stuffed animals. So there are plenty of opportunities for businesses to advertise their products. Now I can go crazy about the cute vintage Valentine’s ads like the couple sharing the Coke one above. Yet, I realized that would be more taste like diabetes and vomit inducing than the sweetness Valentine’s Day is associated with. Instead, I’ll show ads that don’t make Valentine’s Day such a lovely mid winter holiday for the greatest gift businesses can receive: cold hard cash. So without further adieu, here are some terrible Valentine’s Day ads from your grandparents’ generation.

1. This Valentine’s Day, fellas, give your girlfriend the gift you’ll need to transport with your pick up truck that’ll break your bank.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine's Day isn't the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman's dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman’s dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas or her birthday.

2. Ladies, nothing says Valentine’s Day for your gentleman like a new silk necktie.

Now this is the kind of guy's gift that says: "I didn't know what else to give you. But I know you're a guy and needed to give you something. So here's what I got you for $60."

Now this is the kind of guy’s gift that says: “I didn’t know what else to give you. But I know you’re a guy and needed to give you something. So here’s what I got you for $60.”

3. This Valentine’s Day cake gives you a way to get in a man’s heart through his stomach.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she's anticipating for the poison to take effect.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she’s anticipating for the poison to take effect any minute now.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than Rheingold Extra Dry Beer.

Now I'm sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine's Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I'm not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

Now I’m sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine’s Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I’m not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

5. Give your loved one a gift they’d be grateful to have this Valentine’s Day, a pre-mortem funeral arrangements.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives' funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine's Day. And when it comes to Valentine's Day guys have it easy since it's a girly holiday to begin with.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives’ funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine’s Day. And when it comes to Valentine’s Day guys have it easy since it’s a girly holiday to begin with.

6. Give your sweetheart Hinds Honey and  Almond Cream for this Valentine’s Day as these girls make a lacy Valentine’s Day card for their mother it seems.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

7. Schrafft’s Chocolates are the candies that lead to a girl’s, uh, I’d like to say heart.

From how the guy's hands are position, it seems like he's about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they're about to get their nasty on to me.

From how the guy’s hands are position, it seems like he’s about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they’re about to get their nasty on to me.

8. Give your sweetheart the Valentine’s Day gift they’ll appreciate, tires.

Uh, aren't these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I'm sure they aren't anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I'm sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness.

Uh, aren’t these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I’m sure they aren’t anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I’m sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness. Still, I’d be a bit concerned if I were their parents.

9. Send a valentine to those you love with a card from American Greetings.

I don't know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn't make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

I don’t know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn’t make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

10. Guys, when it comes to being the perfect valentine, make sure you’re the Kreml guy on the lower right.

From PopSugar: "The description for "Slicker" seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester's Will burn-book: 'Your dome's so slick we don't know whether that's human hair or patent leather.'" Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you'd see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he's a creepy stalker of some woman's nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he's put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

From PopSugar: “The description for “Slicker” seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester’s Will burn-book: ‘Your dome’s so slick we don’t know whether that’s human hair or patent leather.'” Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you’d see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he’s a creepy stalker of some woman’s nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he’s put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

11. Give her a valentine that would put  stars in her eyes and music in her heart.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who'd do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who’d do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

12. Oh, he remembered Valentine’s Day! And he sent me Whtiman’s chocolate.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor's man remembered Valentine's Day, doesn't really guarantee she's going to stay with him. I mean she's known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men. Those 7 divorces aren't cheap, man.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor’s man remembered Valentine’s Day, doesn’t really guarantee she’s going to stay with him. I mean she’s known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men (twice to Richard Burton and one to a guy she met in rehab in the 1990s). Those 7 divorces don’t come cheap.

13. For those in long distance relationships, send them a Valentine’s Day telegram from Western Union.

From PopSugar: "Ending a Valentine's Day telegram with "guess who" sounds a teensy bit stalkerish." Yeah, I'd think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

From PopSugar: “Ending a Valentine’s Day telegram with “guess who” sounds a teensy bit stalkerish.” Yeah, I’d think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

14. You’re never too young to give or receive Faroh’s finest chocolates!

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn't cute, it's disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn’t cute, it’s disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

15. Aim for the best with Chesterfield cigarettes.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart's heart. But they'll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart’s heart. But they’ll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

16. Rheingold Extra Dry Beer: The perfect gift for your man this Valentine’s Day.

"Drink up, honey buns, for I've prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don't feel like driving tonight? Don't forget, that you can't be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states."

“Drink up, honey buns, for I’ve prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don’t feel like driving tonight? Don’t forget, that you can’t be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states, sweetie.”

17. For your son this Valentine’s Day, why don’t you pack him a sandwich for school with Mor: a thrifty meat.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she's very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn't good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it's disgusting.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she’s very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn’t good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it’s disgusting.

18. Please your valentine with these Manhattani peppermint pajamas.

From Popsugar: "My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine's Day because after all that chocolate you're gonna want something loose." Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

From Popsugar: “My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine’s Day because after all that chocolate you’re gonna want something loose.” Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

19. Nothing says sex and romance on Valentine’s Day like V-Day pajamas for the whole family!

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine's Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I'm sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine's Day. Of course, he'll probably never wear them again after this picture.

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine’s Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I’m sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine’s Day. Of course, he’ll probably never wear them again after this picture.

20. Give her the gift of chocolate with Whitman’s candy sampler.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

21. Heads, you win! Seriously, what does that mean?

Oh, I see. Guys, I don't think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave.

Oh, I see. Guys, I don’t think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave. Yes, they’re literally man eaters and watch out, boys, they’ll chew you up.

22. Nothing satisfies a man this Valentine’s Day than a shirt and tie from Arrow.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine's Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I'm sure a dress shirt and necktie aren't gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you're better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine’s Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I’m sure a dress shirt and necktie aren’t gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you’re better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

23. Now what to give a woman? Vacuums or flowers?

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they'll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won't be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they're running.

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they’ll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won’t be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they’re running.

24. “People all over the world (everybody)/Join hands (join)/Start a love train, love train.”

From PopSugar: "Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you're pretty much dead." Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I'm sure that's not what the O'Jays had in mind when they recorded, "Love Train."

From PopSugar: “Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you’re pretty much dead.” Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I’m sure that’s not what the O’Jays had in mind when they recorded, “Love Train.”

25. Remember “Remembering Day” and give me chocolate. Or else.

From PopSugar: "If your man doesn't remember Valentine's Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he's either blind or a hermit." Also, I don't know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

From PopSugar: “If your man doesn’t remember Valentine’s Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he’s either blind or a hermit.” Also, I don’t know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

26. Give the ladies in your life the gift that’ll last a long time: granny panties.

What's even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you'd find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn't seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter.

What’s even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you’d find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn’t seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter. Also funny that these are called, “Lollipops Bubble Duds.”

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Jolly Green Giant.

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn't seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine's Day for God's sake? Farmers?

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn’t seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine’s Day for God’s sake? Farmers?

28. Remember, guys, the Whitman master won’t quit at 5 this Valentine’s Day so give your girlfriend chocolate.

Of course, I hope that guy doesn't work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he's pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

Of course, I hope that guy doesn’t work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he’s pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

29. Make this Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with this lovely double decker heart shaped cake.

From PopSugar: "How to feel bloated on Valentine's Day — so romantic!" Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it's almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

From PopSugar: “How to feel bloated on Valentine’s Day — so romantic!” Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it’s almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

30.Nestle chocolate: A great way to a woman’s heart.

It seems that this woman doesn't just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.

It seems that this woman doesn’t just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.

Valentines Cakes

Image

Valentines Day is one of the many holidays in which sweethearts exchange many kinds of gifts, especially sweets. Of course, it’s not uncommon for many to buy a specially made cake. For those interested, I can go on and on what lovely cakes cakes you can give to your loved one for Valentines Day. However, for those who looking for ideas, don’t use this post for inspiration since this is devoted to cakes you don’t want to send to your devoted sweetheart. Actually this post is for the cake ideas you want to avoid as well as serve as a kind of entertainment to those single on this day of love. So without further adieu, here are some Valentines Day cakes nobody wants to get.

1. This is a perfect cake for your sweetheart on Valentines Day, assuming that you two are avid fans of Star Trek.

Of course, if you're the only Star Trek fan and your valentine can't stand it, then I'm afraid your relationship is dead, Jim. And I mean as dead as a redshirt on an alien planet.

Of course, if you’re the only Star Trek fan and your valentine can’t stand it, then I’m afraid your relationship is dead, Jim. And I mean as dead as a redshirt on an alien planet.

2. The perfect way to tell your sweetheart that you’re willing to settle for them because you can’t find anyone better.

The perfect cake to give to Mr. Good Enough or Mr. Right Now because you’re just tired of dating and your biological clock is ticking.

3. Of course, what better to tell than this beauty to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day as well as tell them you don’t want any kids.

Sure what better way to tell your sweetheart that babies are diaper wearing little monsters. A word of caution to guys: If you plan to give your girl this cake, make sure she doesn't have a pregnancy test with a + on it or anything relating to her being in the family way.

Sure what better way to tell your sweetheart that babies are diaper wearing little monsters. A word of caution to guys: If you plan to give your girl this cake, make sure she doesn’t have a pregnancy test with a + on it or anything relating to her being in the family way.

4. Sending this lovely cake may result in your beloved quickly dumping you and slamming it in your face before rushing to the doctor’s.

This cake has spelled doom to many relationships, especially since it kind of appears like a revelation of infidelity and possibly not practicing safe sex.

This cake has spelled doom to many relationships, especially since it kind of appears like a revelation of infidelity and possibly not practicing safe sex.

5. For the love bug in your life who gives you butterflies…….I think. Well, it looks like a butterfly.

Or it could look like something else, but I'm not sure if I want to dwell on it.

Or it could look like something else, but I’m not sure if I want to dwell on it. Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

6. If you’re sending cupcakes, best not to give your loved one ones that say this.

Or loved one would soon be the butt of all the jokes, won't they?

Or loved one would soon be the butt of all the jokes, won’t they?

7. If you want to get some for Valentines Day, it’s best to be up front about it.

Of course, giving your sweetheart a cake saying "I'm horny for you" with a unicorn on it is not what I had in mind.

Of course, giving your sweetheart a cake saying “I’m horny for you” with a unicorn on it is not what I had in mind.

8. What can go wrong with a teddy bear on your cake, assuming you and your beloved are into that sort of thing.

Assuming that your kids aren't around and if one of you is a big fan 50 Shades of Grey and Build-A-Bear Workshop.

Assuming that your kids aren’t around and if one of you is a big fan 50 Shades of Grey and Build-A-Bear Workshop.

9. Of course, sometimes it’s okay to go a little different once in awhile.

However, God only knows whatever the hell this thing is supposed to be?

However, God only knows whatever the hell this thing is supposed to be?

10. For the one you’d want to tell to eat their heart out.

This is pretty gory for a Valentines cake. Also, whatever is chewing the heart doesn't seem to have any eyes.

This is pretty gory for a Valentines cake. Also, whatever is chewing the heart doesn’t seem to have any eyes.

11. What better way to tell your sweetheart that they make you feel warm and light up your life.

Though the heart saying "You + Me" is placed on top what looks like a flaming pile of shit.

Though the heart saying “You + Me” is placed on top what looks like a flaming pile of shit.

12. Perhaps this is the best way to say Happy Valentines Day to your loved one and tell them that it’s strictly physical.

And if you're a woman, perhaps ruin everything about your childhood. Also, this is flagrantly inappropriate for for children and could possibly traumatize them.

And if you’re a woman, perhaps ruin everything about your childhood. Also, this is flagrantly inappropriate for for children and could possibly traumatize them.

13. What better way to tell your sweetheart they’re the key to your heart or that they satisfy your primal urges like no other.

In some ways this can be interpreted that a key to a man's heart is through his penis.

In some ways this can be interpreted that a key to a man’s heart is through his penis.

14. Perhaps this Princess Bride inspired cake can never underestimate the value of true love.

Though the sword seems to pertain to other connotations which might make a man seem a little self-conscious about his own "sword."

Though the sword seems to pertain to other connotations which might make a man seem a little self-conscious about his own “sword.”

15. So who can ever resist roses on Valentines Day?

Especially brown ones that look like chunks of dog shit with leaves on them.

Especially brown ones that look like chunks of dog shit with leaves on them.

16. Because there is never a better way to tell your sweetheart you’ve been shot in the heart, literally.

Of course, this is a relatively graphic depiction. Perhaps it's better if the heart isn't anatomically correct.

Of course, this is a relatively graphic depiction. Perhaps it’s better if the heart isn’t anatomically correct.

17. Of course, what better way to express your wish to see other people without having to confront them in person than sending your significant other a cake like this.

Of course, the receiver should look on the bright side, since they could spend drowning their sorrows eating it as well as it's chocolate. Besides, anyone unwilling to break up with you in person doesn't deserve you anyway.

Of course, the receiver should look on the bright side, since they could spend drowning their sorrows eating it as well as it’s chocolate. Besides, anyone unwilling to break up with you in person doesn’t deserve you anyway.

18. Yet, what better way to tell your significant other that you hate them and have been planning to ditch them for a long time.

This may be overdoing it a bit but at least those jerks will get the message. Still, it's probably better if you throw it at them.

This may be overdoing it a bit but at least those jerks will get the message. Still, it’s probably better if you throw it at them.

19. For women: Best way to wish your man Happy Valentines Day and that you want him to get a vasectomy.

This might make guys shrink in fear but at least it's clear that she doesn't want any (or anymore) kids.

This might make guys shrink in fear but at least it’s clear that she doesn’t want any (or anymore) kids.

20. Happy Valentines Day from your nightmares.

Is this a sheep or a bunny? Because it sure as hell looks very terrifying. Die, you fluffy thing! Die, I tell you!

Is this a sheep or a bunny? Because it sure as hell looks very terrifying. Die, you fluffy thing! Die, I tell you!

21. For men: What better way to wish your woman Happy Valentines Day as well as tell her that you’re planning to have her sleep with other guys for money.

Ladies, you might want to give he burning house cake if any guy gives you this one.

Ladies, you might want to give he burning house cake if any guy gives you this one.

22. Best way to wish your significant other “Happy Valentines Day, my ass!”

This is actually pretty clever but I don't think recipients would take an upside down heart cake as a compliment.

This is actually pretty clever but I don’t think recipients would take an upside down heart cake as a compliment.

23. Best way to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day and that they’re stuck with you.

Somehow I'm not very comfortable with the ball and chain metaphor. I don't know, I just find it disturbing.

Somehow I’m not very comfortable with the ball and chain metaphor. I don’t know, I just find it disturbing.

24. No Valentines cake can be as sickeningly sweet as this….creature here.

Reminds me of a ferocious alien creature from a sci-fi horror movie. Seriously, it's very terrifying. Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Reminds me of a ferocious alien creature from a sci-fi horror movie. Seriously, it’s very terrifying. Kill it! Kill it with fire!

25. What better way to say “Be Mine” than a cake of a dead bee.

Looks like a bee with a heart on its chest after hitting a windshield.

Looks like a bee with a heart on its chest after hitting a windshield.

26. There is no better way to tell your sweetheart that they give the best, well, you figure it out.

Sure your loved one may like hearing that you give them the best BJ's but they probably don't want that written on a cake.

Sure your loved one may like hearing that you give them the best BJ’s but they probably don’t want that written on a cake.

27. What better way to say “Be Mine” than with a heart shaped cake with what appears to be bees, I think.

Though they don't have wings, which makes them seem like giant yellow ants with black stripes on them.

Though they don’t have wings, which makes them seem like giant yellow ants with black stripes on them.

28. Happy Valentines Day from the bottom of my colon? Wait  a minute.

I thought it was said that true love comes from the heart and not Uranus.

I thought it was said that true love comes from the heart and not Uranus.

29. Happy Valentines Day from the Heart Monster.

And those purple things are its hands used to take your soul. It wants to eat you.

And those purple things are its hands used to take your soul. It wants to eat you.

30. The best way to tell you’re significant other that you’re not that into them.

Then why a heart shaped cookie cake saying so then?

Then why a heart shaped cookie cake saying so then?

31. Happy Valentines Day from the Cookie Monster. No, I don’t mean that Cookie Monster.

I think the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street was far less terrifying than this one. I mean who makes these cookies. These hearts look evil.

I think the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street was far less terrifying than this one. I mean who makes these cookies. These hearts look evil.

32. Happy Valentines Day from the heart cookie eating monster from Pac-Man, I think.

Still, at least it's eating those monstrous looking cookies. Yet, I can't see how anyone would think this is cute.

Still, at least it’s eating those monstrous looking cookies. Yet, I can’t see how anyone would think this is cute.

33. Happy Valentines Day from this googly eyed thingy. Seriously I don’t know what it is.

Kind of reminds me of Admiral Akbar from Return of the Jedi. "It's a trap." Yeah.

Kind of reminds me of Admiral Akbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” Yeah.

34. Of course, there some important things you don’t want to mention on Valentines Day.

You might want to apologize for a lot more than that, especially since your significant other will dump you and you'd have this cake all over your face.

You might want to apologize for a lot more than that, especially since your significant other will dump you and you’d have this cake all over your face.

35. A cake that could break your beloved’s heart.

Now the cake may be a nice little crown but the saying is just cruel.

Now the cake may be a nice little crown but the saying is just cruel. Still, at least you can binge on this cake to soothe your unending pain.

36. Nothing says Valentines Day like green and gray roses.

Well, maybe in a Tim Burton movie. Yet, these may look better suited on a Halloween cake instead.

Well, maybe in a Tim Burton movie. Yet, these may look better suited on a Halloween cake instead.

37. Of course, sometimes a cake can help bring the relationship to the next level.

Perhaps you want to be absolutely sure that she'll say yes before you buy her this. Otherwise, it could go really, really, badly.

Perhaps you want to be absolutely sure that she’ll say yes before you buy her this. Otherwise, it could go really, really, badly.

38. A Valentines cake that nobody asked for.

This is so tacky. In fact, I don't think I want a heart cake resembling someone's rear end with a thong. This is awful.

This is so tacky. In fact, I don’t think I want a heart cake resembling someone’s rear end with a thong. This is awful.

39. Not like I was going to ask you but thanks for telling me.

Sure you may have viable credentials but that doesn't mean you should put it on a cake like in a personal ad for whatever it is you're looking for.

Sure you may have viable credentials but that doesn’t mean you should put it on a cake like in a personal ad for whatever it is you’re looking for.

40. Nothing like a cake to show your valentine how desperate you are for their love.

Now this is a really desperate attempt by somebody. Wonder what this person is like.

Now this is a really desperate attempt by somebody. Wonder what this person is like.