Valentine’s Day Gifts That Really Kill the Romance

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For some couples, it’s not unusual to buy gifts for each other to express their mutual love. As for a perpetually single woman like me, I usually receive gifts of candy from my parents. Nevertheless, unless it pertains to expensive jewelry, most Valentine’s Day gifts shouldn’t be too expensive. For women, candy, roses, and a possible stuff toy will do. Jewelry is fine,too. For men, well, candy and whatever they like because Valentine’s Day isn’t the best holiday for guy gifts. Now I can talk about the best Valentine’s gifts to give your significant other all I want. But I know that you would find it boring that you’d avoid me like the plague. So instead, I’ll show you a treasure trove of possible Valentine’s Day gifts you want to avoid. Some of these are rather inappropriate. Some are just tacky beyond belief. Some are sexist. And some will more than ensure a Valentine’s Day breakup. And Valentine’s Day is the worst day for breaking up isn’t it? So for your reading pleasure, here are some stuff you want to avoid giving your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day. Some of these aren’t safe for work by the way.

  1. Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow
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Because there’s no gift on Valentine’s Day that says “I love you, but I’m not big on giving you affection.” That or “if your’re starved for hugs, don’t come to me.”

2. Deluxe Comfort Boyfriend Body Pillow

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It’s the kind of Valentine’s Day gift you’d expect Spock to give Uhura in the Star Trek movies. You know to show that he cares.

3. Luxury Plush Body Wrap/Blanket

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Things are sure to heat up on Valnentine’s Day wen your girlfriend puts on a dress made out of a sleeping back. C’mon, look at that sexy lady. She looks totally hot in this sexy uh, thing.

4. Control a Woman Remote Control

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Okay, I know this is supposed to be a gag gift. But it’s just so wrong on so many levels. For one, it’s incredibly sexist toward women. Second, it doesn’t work. Trust me.

5. Romantic Sweetheart Mini Garden Planter

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Well, “romantic sweetheart” for those who are members of the Munsters or the Addams Family. Still, this is incredibly creepy.

6. The Sweat-heart Sweet-shirt

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From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “It’s a sweatshirt built for two! So whether you want to take a walk in the park, go tailgating at a football game, or just to snuggle on the couch, the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt will make sure your honey can’t escape.” Okay, that’s a little too close for comfort. Love that guy’s face though.

7. Smittens

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From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Smittens are perfect for the couple who loves to hold hands, but want to have their skin touching (and probably sweating) as long as they are bound together by fabric. ” I think I’ll pass on this one.

8. Cigarette Holder for Two

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Because why should it just be one of you who comes down with lung cancer? With this you can fill your lungs with tar together. And look ridiculous doing it.

9. His and Her Furniture

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Not recommended for couples with children. Or couples who entertain a lot. Or couples who have elderly parents living with them. Or anyone who doesn’t have their home decorated like a strip club.

10. His and Her Bikini Jeans

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Okay, some people might like denim and bikinis as much as the next person. However, this doesn’t mean the two things should be combined into one product. This just guarantees you to look stupid together.

11. Trouser Expander

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than making your boyfriend feel inadequate about his penis size. Ladies, you might want to avoid giving your man this. Seriously, don’t do it.

12. Oyster in a Can Pearl Necklace

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I’ve heard of homemade necklaces but this is outrageous. Seriously, guys, as far as homemade necklaces are concerned, give your girlfriend a plastic pearl one instead.

13. Brief Jerky Edible Meat Underwear

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Personally, I don’t like the idea of edible underwear at all. However, these sure give a new meaning for the word, “man meat.” Seems more like a gift to give for the beef jerky in your life.

14. Cork Pants

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Yes, these are homemade and this guy is a very brave man to pose for them. Nevertheless, just because you can craft something doesn’t mean you should. And these prove it.

15. Anti-Wrinkle Bra

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Yes, it’s a bra that’s supposed to keep your cleavage smooth and attractive as well as fight vertical boob wrinkles. Still, don’t buy a woman this ever, unless you’re looking for a break up.

16. Hug Me Jacket

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That’s a cute name for something that seems to appear from straight out of your darkest nightmares. When I look at this, I don’t think of hugs. I think of horror.

17. Love Life Calendar

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This calendar allows you to record exactly how you feel about the state of your relationship every single day. Not sure if that’s a Valentine’s Day worthy gift.

18. Pizza Hut Proposal

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When it comes to proposal dinners, this probably falls along the lines of what not to do. Unless she really likes Pizza Hut, you might want to stick to a fancy restaurant or cook the dinner yourself.

19. Elephant Poop Paper Roses

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Because there is nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than presenting your sweetheart paper roses made of what came out of an elephant’s ass. Sure they may be eco-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you should buy them for your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

20. His and Her Tongue Scrapers

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The Valentine’s gift that says, “I love you but your oral hygiene stinks.” Still, are tongue scrapers really necessary? Because for cleaning tongue, I usually use a toothbrush. It’s cheaper.

21. Fundies

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I know in relationships you and your partner share a lot of things like a life together. However, underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

22. Chocolate Covered Scale

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The kind of Valentine’s gift that says, “Heard you like chocolate and you’re fat.” The kind of gift given by some unrepentent jerk who wants to entice and ruin his girlfriend’s self-esteem at the same time.

23. Hooters Valentine’s Day Dinner Surprise

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Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a dinner date at a place known for its scantily clad, big boobed waitresses. Seriously, Hooters is the worst place to have a dinner date on Valentine’s Day for very obvious reasons.

24. 2-Carat Mug

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Sure it might come in a nice box. But don’t be fooled, ladies. He’s not proposing. He’s just giving you a Valentine’s Day gift mug. Sorry to disappoint you.

25. Diamond Ring Keychain

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I’m sure presenting your girlfriend with a keychain diamond ring won’t go well at all. She will not think it’s funny. In fact, she’ll probably be furious.

26. Man Crates Jerky Heart

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Ladies, want to please your man while sending him to an early grave to high blood pressure? This is Valentine’s Day gift you’ve been waiting for. While you’re at it, have him wash them down with some Campbell’s soup. Or just give him a carton of cigarettes.

27. “You’re My Favorite Thing To Do” Mug

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From Refinery 29: “Yes, it does look like that’s one person mercilessly strangling another. And yes, that will happen to you if you gift this to your S.O.” Also, might look a bit like rape.

28. Willie Egg Fryer

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Guess this is used as a part of an R-Rated breakfast. And I see the yolks are standing in for balls. Seriously, this is just crazy!

29. “Be Brave & Keep Going” Bracelet

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From Refinery29: “The subtext is, ‘Just keep riding until you drop off that cliff up ahead, because I never want to see you again.'” Yeah, you might be headed for a breakup after Valentine’s Day.

30. Valentine’s Day Controller

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From Refinery29: “Nothing says ‘stunted adolescence’ quite like un-ironically gifting someone milk chocolate. Oh, and the fact that it’s shaped like a PlayStation controller makes it that much worse.”

31. Papi Jock Strap

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From Refinery29: “If every kiss begins with ‘K,’ then every breakup begins with ‘performance jock strap.'” Ladies, if you love your man, avoid giving him this. Will save you a lot of trouble.

32. Shot to the Heart Pencil Holder

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From Refinery29: “This unintentionally macabre ‘shot to the heart’ desk accessory is just what the witch doctor ordered.” Yeah, that’s incredibly creepy if you ask me. Best gift for someone who’s into office work and voodoo.

33. Heart in Hand

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Sure it might seem touching. But keep in mind that this is a kitschy, disembodied hand. Probably the kind of gift that says, “I don’t know you at all.”

34. Monna Candle

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From Refinery29: “A candle that looks like if Georgia O’Keeffe designed a massive dildo for The Lord of the Rings — sign me up!”

35. Sex Checks

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From Huffington Post: “The description boasts, ‘Who says money can’t buy you love?’ which we’re pretty sure was the original slogan for prostitution.” Also, I’m sure they’re not worth anything, unlike cash.

36. The Fifty Shades of Grey Toy Collection

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Unless you and your partner are into BDSM or the E. L. James Trilogy, this says, “I have terrible taste and I’m even worse in bed.” Best to settle with flowers and candy.

37. Sex Scratch-Offs

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Compared to this, scratch off Lotto tickets are more desirable. And your chances of winning the lottery are less than being struck by a meteor. Or a satellite.

38. “Fresh Balls”

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I’m sure Valentine’s Day is a perfect occasion for you to tell your boyfriend that he has sweaty balls and you don’t like it. Ladies, avoid this like the plague.

39. Massage Chair

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A nice little way to tell your partner that you’re dumping a lot of money on a gift that’s clearly for you. Just another example of your failure as a partner. Cooking a romantic dinner is much cheaper and your partner is more likely to appreciate it.

40. Bliss Fat Girl Six Pack

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Okay, another way to tell your girlfriend that she’s fat and needs to lose weight. Really not something to tell her on Valentine’s Day. Also, I don’t think this works.

41. Love Message Disc Shooter

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From Village Voice: “Ow! Oh, that’s cute, honey, I love you too. Ow! I said I love you! Okay? Ow! It’s not funny anymore! Cut it out! OW! Okay, fucker, give me that thing….”

42. Don’t Forget Ring

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What you think this gift says about you: “I gave this to you so you won’t forget that I love you and enjoy life.” What it really says about you: “I didn’t know what to get you for Valentine’s Day so I wasted $7 on this piece of crap.”

43. Cleopatra Clamp

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that their looks aren’t good enough. So they gave you a way to get a dirt cheap nose job in one of the most painful ways possible. I also call this one, “the fastest way to get dumped by Adrien Brody.”

44. Bald Guyz Head Wipes

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From Inventor Spot: “This great product can remind him that he’s not only bald, but that he’s disgustingly sweaty too. Hooray for destroying your lover’s self confidence!”

45. Mangroomer

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I guess this gift says, “Honey, I love you, but I’m rather turned off by how you look like a gorilla. So I gave you an electric shaver for back hair.”

46. Eau de Pizza Hut Perfume

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Just because someone might like the smell from Pizza Hut doesn’t mean that they want to smell like Pizza Hut. Still, I can’t believe this actually existed and was only made for promotional purposes.

47. Naked Bacon Cooking Armor

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than a gift to your man suggesting how you want to see him cook breakfast without much on. If you want to see that, being naked in an apron works just as well.

48. Bitch Perfume

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Not sure what it’s supposed to smell like. But I don’t think many women would want their man giving them something with the word, “Bitch” on it. Then again, maybe that’s just me.

49. Adjoining Toilets

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For one, I think this might require a big bathroom since you just can’t prop this to a wall. Second, ever heard a thing called “privacy?” It’s the reason why public toilets are in stalls.

50. Penis Pasta

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Because nothing makes a great romantic dinner for two on Valentine’s Day than a pasta dish full of dicks. Yeah, I’m sure they’re serving that for dinner at some high end whorehouse.

51. Whiskey and Tobacco Cologne

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Because nothing makes a man more attractive on Valentine’s Day than smelling like he’s just came out of a bar. It’s the kind that makes you wonder whether he might have a problem and think about getting a divorce.

52. T’s for 2

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I’m sure making love in a T-shirt built for 2 isn’t as fun as it looks. Again, there are things couples might share in relationships. But I don’t think T-shirts should count.

53. Touch and Know Drug Test

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Because nothing says Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that you suspect that they might have a substance abuse problem. And that you have issues of trust.

54. Candy Nipple Tassels

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Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a gift telling your girlfriend that you want her to do a stripper routine while wearing inedible candy. Seriously, why?

55. Sex Bell

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Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than treating your partner the same way Pavlov treats his pooch. So if they’re good in bed, do they get any treats?

56. Single Shot Garter

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From Cracked: “Here’s a gift that has some honesty behind it. The garter says “Hey baby, I wanna see you in your underwear” and the flask says ‘But you’re gonna need to be drunk for this to work.'” Okay, I think any woman receiving this might think of seeing other people.

57. Jane Seymour Open Hearts Jewelry

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Show that you love her this Valentine’s Day with this overpriced mall necklace that resembles 2 butts in an ‘S’ shape. She’ll totally love it.

58. Plush Love Rat

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Because nothing says “I love you” than presenting your sweetheart with a plushie of a heart spotted vermin. You might want to stick with a teddy bear instead.

59. Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer

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Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like receiving a manual from your sweetheart that suggest that you aren’t as great a lover as you initially thought. Or that you’re suspecting that your partner might be a virgin if you hadn’t done it already.

60. Bliss Poetic Personal Waxing Kit

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Nothing makes a more romantic Valentine’s Day than a gift to your girlfriend telling her that she needs to remove her disgusting body hair. And you don’t think anything not involving self-administered torture.

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