The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 15, 2016

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Yes, I know Valentine’s Day is only a month away but it’s not one of my favorite holidays, except when it pertains to blogging about it. And posting about vintage valentines are one of these reasons since they get a lot of views during this time. So it helps that I start as early as possible. Nevertheless, when we think of Valentines Day, we tend to think of cutesy things like hearts, love, candy, and other things pertaining to this massively commercialized holiday. Another feature on Valentine’s are well, valentines, which have existed since this holiday was around. As I said some time before, when some people think of vintage valentines, they tend to think about cutesy cards like the one I showed above. Yes, it has a quote from the Bible but I’d put it on there anyway if I didn’t. Now I could show you all the lovely vintage valentines on this post. But as before you’d find them drab and bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show you more of some of the vintage valentines that make you want to scratch your head and wonder why the hell did they exist. So for your reading pleasure, I present to you some more crazy valentines from yesterday.

This lady has a Valentine’s Day offering from her boyfriend.

Yes, you may wonder how she managed to snag a guy in the first place. However, perhaps it’s not our place to judge even though she kind of does seem like the kind of woman who’d put children in an oven.

2. Nothing shows the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a clown about to shoot himself.

Hey, man, just because she turned you down, doesn’t mean you have to end it all. It’s probably not your fault. Seriously, you need help.

3. “The blood tastes like love, I play it a song while it bleeds!”

And from the look at this boy’s face, I suspect that he’ll be on his way to become a future neighborhood psychokiller. Avoid him like the plague.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than sending your sweetheart a card stealthily asking her for sex.

Yes, I know what “yank my doodle means.” And no, I really don’t want to know whether it’s a dandy. Really don’t want to know.

5. “You can’t put the ‘fire’ in my heart for you!”

Seems like there’s a fire between the girl’s legs and despite her dress about to be burnt, she seems quite excited at the boy having his hose up that’s spraying water everywhere. Now that doesn’t look right.

6. “I don’t….’aim’ to miss – I want you for my valentine!”

Yes, nothing looks better on a valentine than an image of a smoking gun. You know, something that was made to kill stuff with the pull of a trigger. Not sure if that’s appropriate for romance.

7. You can’t have cuter valentine than one of a cute witch cooking a bunch of hearts in a cauldron.

Guys, take note, if this cute witch asks for a potion of your love, you give it to her, please. Otherwise, you might end up like the others who refused her. Look in the pot.

8. Wood you be a valentine for this eager beaver?

For a rather wholesome animal, they tend to be featured on rather dirty valentines. This one is no exception, especially since the eager beaver is female and asks for wood.

9. This butcher will “stake” his heart on you.

And there he goes gleefully raising his cleaver as he cuts some meat on a wooden table. Yes, butcher themed valentines are rather disturbing to say the least.

10. “Don’t be cross, ‘gas’ who it is?”

I don’t know. Some terrifying battlefield nurse with a very inappropriate bedside manner? That’s the impression I get from this.

11. On Valentine’s Day, he’s going hunting to find a fine valentine like you.

I don’t know about you, but I’d avoid this boy with a vengeance even if he does have a box of chocolates. Seriously, that look in his eyes makes him seem like he has murder on the mind. Or he just may be an “excitable boy” (in the Warren Zevon context).

12. The Devil knows that you’ll have a hot time with him on Valentine’s Day.

Then again, I might want to take a pass on this satyr boy from hell. He just looks evil if you ask me. Then again, you should expect that from Satan.

13. Of course, nothing brings out the wholesome romantic spirit of Valentines Day than a date with ice cream.

Okay, that’s probably the most phallic ice cream cone I’ve ever seen. Yes, it’s a double header. all right, but it resembles some guy’s junk. Some guy’s junk, I tell you.

14. This bunny is loaded with love for you.

This bunny is also carrying a loaded shotgun that’s just discharged. Let’s just say this little gun toting rabbit just failed Gun Safety 101.

15. “Just say you’ll be my valentine and watch me ‘lap it up.'”

Okay, that’s not the kind of relationship anyone should have with their canine companions. Seriously, why anyone think that this card was a good idea? Why?

16. This Valentine’s Day feature: Dickie’s Romance.

A dickie t’ween you and me. I think I get the message on that one. Yet, I’m not sure if he’s talking about the movie or something else.

17. This firefighter is burning to know hose valentine are you.

Again with the fireman motifs. Still, if she says it’s not him, is the firefighter going to leave so she’ll burn to a crisp? That’s what I’m wondering.

18. “Valentine, ‘house’ my chance to ‘nail’ you for mine?”

This boy seems to have such an innocent face for an outright pervert. Yeah, this is a pretty dirty valentine asking to get some.

19. “I’m cock sure you’re meant to be my valentine!”

Not sure if the kid was being wholesome. But the moment when you see the word, “cock.” you’re bound to imagine what’s the nature of his intentions.

20. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like forcing yourself onto the object of your affections.

Uh, I don’t know about you. But I think “steal a hug” might qualify as sexual harassment since it’s totally unwanted. And he’s basically saying that he’s coming on to her whether she wants him or not. How romantic! Yeah right.

21. If you like ’em smooth and slick, then he’s the guy you want to pick.

Is that the kid from the Big Boy restaurant chain? Man, has he grown. And he seems to be way more creepy than how I remember him.

22. “You can kick me around and I won’t mind, valentine!”

Translated: “You can treat me like crap all you want but I don’t care.” Seems like such sender either is so desperate for a valentine and has no self-esteem or is a masochist. So maybe you shouldn’t lead with that.

23. “You ‘strike’ me just right, my valentine!”

Clearly, this doesn’t seem like a foundation to a healthy relationship. Sure she hit the ball that gave him a black eye by accident, but still. It’s pretty disturbing.

24. “I’m out to get you for my valentine.”

Great, I’ll be under my bed. Couldn’t possibly see anything more romantic than having my life threatened into being your valentine (sarcasm).

25. “You’re my target so be my valentine.”

Okay, so is this supposed to be a friendly request or a death threat? So I guess this guy is going to vaporize me if I say no? Brilliant!

26. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a circus clown scaring the bejesus out of you.

Hey, at least she only saw the spider. Still, I think the clown above is even more terrifying looking. If I were her, I’d just say no way in hell.

27. “I’m axin’ you to be my valentine.”

I don’t think “axin'” is the right word here. Still, I think I’d be scared of this kid getting a hold of an ax. Seriously, I’d be afraid of him chopping me into little pieces as I sleep.

28. There’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a guy holding you at gunpoint.

Yes, he may be a detective like you see in the old movies. But I really wouldn’t go for him since he appears to have a gun pointed right at you. Doesn’t really help if you’re looking for love.

29. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile than a passionate embrace.

For some reason, this picture reminds me less of passionate romance and more of the time when Adrien Brody won for Best Actor at the Oscars. But I think Halle Berry took it surprisingly better than the guy in question in this card.

30. “It’ll be monstrous, valentine, if you won’t be mine.”

Okay, I think this might mean that Frankie’s not the kind of guy who takes rejection well. And that’s not good. Really not good.

31. “My Valentine, I’m pan-handling for your love.”

Now this pan headed woman is bound to cause anyone nightmares. Seriously, those eyes and that smile seem incredibly freaky that it’s scary.

32. This Valentine’s Day, tell your sweetheart how you really want it.

Yes, she seems to be a rather demure kind of girl. But had she lived around these days, I’d bet any money that she’d be a huge fan of 50 Shades of Grey. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

33. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nobody wants to be in the dog house.

Now it’s one thing to be sent to the dog house. But it’s insane that there’s a valentine depicting a kid being tied up in a dog house like a dog. Seriously, that’s crazy.

34. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine.”

Uh, how old is this girl supposed to be? Because I don’t think her appearing naked like this is appropriate for a valentine. I could be wrong.

35. You know what’s a great Valentine’s Day ride? A steamroller.

“Well, I’m a steamroller, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./Yes, I’m a steamroller now, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./I’m gonna inject your soul with some sweet rock ‘n roll and shoot you full of rhythm and blues.” Still, I’d clear the ground before he rolls along.

36. “I’ll be ‘burned’ up, if you won’t be my valentine.”

Does anyone think that tying yourself on a stake and setting yourself on fire a incredibly crazy? So why is there such image on a valentine. Seriously, why? That’s insane.

37. There’s nothing so romantic on Valentine’s Day than being robbed at gunpoint.

Sorry, man, but I don’t think committing daylight armed robberies is a great way to pick up chicks. Don’t mean to put you down. Just telling you like it is.

38. When it comes to sending a valentine, Disney is always a good choice.

Just make sure that they aren’t old Disney valentines. Because the old Mickey and Minnie here are utterly horrifying. And no, I don’t want Mickey to come down to earth.

39. “Please take stock in what I say – I want you for my valentine.”

Okay, this isn’t as bad as the girl being burned at the stake. But still, it’s pretty messed up. Why the hell they thought it was a good idea, I’ll never know.

40. “Tain’t so screwy, my love is permanent, be my valentine.”

To be fair, women had their hair done like this back in the day. However, nowadays, it seems to resemble some terrifying sci-fi torture device.

41. “I’d like to hog you for my valentine so….don’t squeal on me!”

Hate to squeal about this one, but this pig is terrifying. Seriously, it seems like it wants to extract some kind of evil ploy on the farmers who killed its family.

42. “Scrubbed so clean you’ll be my queen, valentine.”

For the love of God, whoever designed a creepy card like this would sure as hell be on some list of sex offenders as we speak. Seriously, this card is so inappropriate on so many levels it’s not even funny. Why the hell did they think it was a good idea? Why?

43. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day more romantic than your cannibalistic girlfriend cooking you alive.

I think for most people this would be rather nightmarish. But this guy doesn’t seem to mind as long as he gets to look at her boobs.

44. “You’re good enough to eat, valentine.”

Of course, this isn’t the kind of compliment you’d want to receive from a big hungry cat. Because for all you know, they might seriously think of devouring you.

45. “I’ll purr-sue you always, my valentine.”

Okay, this is the kind of girl you’d want to avoid. Might want to call for a restraining order if she’s ever into you. Still, I really feel bad for that cat. Poor thing.

46. When it comes to valentines, people also like receiving presents with them.

I’m sure it would be nothing that this creepy boy has in his packages. Because for all we know, they could be beating hearts of all the girls whom he murdered after they rejected his advances.

47. “Ain’t love a swell condition? I caught it from you.”

Yeah, but having a bandage around your head sure isn’t. Besides, it kind of makes this kid look a bit freaky if you ask me.

48. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without including its cherubic mascot Cupid.

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And it seems like he’s preparing for some sort of home invasion as I see it. He even has a stash of arrows, a sack of hearts, and a gun. Why he’s like this, I have no idea.

49. “You’ll missile – lot if you won’t be my valentine.”

Nevertheless, kid, hold that missile long enough and I’m sure you’ll be blown from here to kingdom come. Seriously, that doesn’t look safe by any stretch of the imagination.

50. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nothing can be more spectacular than seeing hearts in the sky.

Though with hearts flying into a spider web, I beg to differ. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if this valentine was brought to you by somebody’s drug-induced hallucination trip.

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles for These Birthday Party Cakes (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 13, 2016

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For my 26th birthday, I had thought about doing a blog post on bad vintage birthday cards. However, turns out that while finding terrible vintage holiday cards isn’t much of a challenge, this wasn’t the same with birthday cards. So realizing that such search would take forever, I decided to go with another cake post. After all, with the existence of Cake Wrecks, out there I have a lot to go with Besides, I had plenty left over from last year’s birthday cake post, which got a rather great reception. Now when you order a birthday cake, you always expect everything about it to be right. But sometimes this isn’t the case. In my last birthday cake post, I had a lot of cakes that range from age inappropriate, outright creepy, unintentionally dirty, decorated by people with no understanding of following directions, and others. So for your reading pleasure, here are a treasure trove of more disastrous birthday cakes. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.

Seems like this person’s loved ones aren’t giving warm wishes.

Let’s hope the recipient isn’t turning 5. Because that would be bad. Still, like the rainbow color on this, though.

2. When you have someone in your life turning 50, it’s great to give them some support.

However, this is not what I had in mind. So I suggest that you give Lori some padding, too? Seriously, why?

3. If your boy is into the Avengers, a cupcake cake of Thor’s hammer is sure to be right for the occasion.

Then again, maybe this family should’ve went with Iron Man. I think a cake of Thor’s hammer may not turn out like the parents intended.

4. A monkey cake is always great for a small child’s party. Can’t have anything go wrong with that.

Yes, I know monkeys can eat bananas. Yes, I know that they do gross things. However, this monkey cake shouldn’t have it holding a banana at its crotch.

5. Speaking of little kids, this Barney cake should be perfect for any preschooler’s birthday party.

Yes, this is a very inappropriate Barney cake which will make a little girl disappointed. However, I think this is great since it makes an annoying purple dinosaur into a pink Godzilla on a rampage. It’s wonderful.

6. Of course, we all know that someone’s 16th birthday is a milestone.

Yes, I know that being 16 makes it legal to drive. However, 16 is also the age of sexual consent in some states as well. So “legal” here can be rather non-specific, which is kind of creepy.

7. Make sure the balloons look appropriate when you buy a birthday cake for Dad.

Had no idea that balloon placement could make things seem more inappropriate than they should be. Still, wonder if the family has the balls to use this one.

8. When you can’t draw something, use a decal.

I’m sure this girl wouldn’t appreciate a Denver Broncos logo on her cake. This assuming that she lives outside Colorado.

9. For a kid at any age, a dog birthday cake is sure to lift people’s spirits.

Apparently, this dog cake seems like a clinically depressed aardvark for some reason. Not sure why. Is there such a thing as canine Prozac?

10. Sometimes there are so many ways to misspell a name.

I believe the boy’s name is supposed to be “Patrick” not “Parik-Shit.” Let’s hope this kid is too young to read so he won’t ask what “shit” means.

11. For young girls, you can’t go wrong with a Disney princess cake.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a little girl is going to go for a birthday cake depicting Belle with Botox injections. Seriously, this cake is utterly terrifying even though it shouldn’t be.

12. Yes, turning 50 can be a major stepping stone in someone’s life.

Great, this cake has a diseased foot on it which really disgusting. Makes me want to lose my appetite or puke. Not sure which.

13. For the rock guitarist in your life, a cake with an electric guitar is where it’s at.

This guitar seems rather phallic for some reason. Not sure if it’s supposed to be. Still, let’s hope this one isn’t used for a kid’s birthday party. And leave it at that.

14. Apparently, somebody really has it in for Beth.

I’m sure it’s supposed to be “Beth.” I don’t think the name includes a “c.” Still, let’s she doesn’t take it too personally.

15. Happy Birthday, Mary. Oh, wait, it’s Sean’s birthday. Not Mary’s.

Seems like somebody got their birthdays mixed up. Luckily, the decorators managed to correct it with some bright green icing. Hope it makes Sean happy.

16. A birthday cake of a smiley face flower will brighten anyone’s day.

But if it’s a one-eyed smiley face flower, it’s bound to give some little kids nightmares. Seriously, that’s incredibly freaky and disturbing.

17. Hopefully, nothing will go wrong with this monkey cake.

Uh, maybe getting a monkey cake for your kid’s first birthday probably isn’t a good idea. Seriously, that monkey looks rather terrifying if you ask me.

18. With this birthday cake, it’s Superman to the rescue.

Yes, I know that Superman is supposed to be all heroic as well as fly in to save people. However, I’m not sure if having a burning building on a birthday cake should emphasize that. Don’t ask me why someone thought this was a good idea.

19. Happy birthday, Don, and say goodbye to Dora the Explorer and all her friends.

I guess the hunter already shot Dora and her buddies are dragging her away. Yeah, you get such hunting accidents like these. But maybe this bunch shouldn’t have been in the woods at this time, too.

20. Excuse me, but can anyone tell me who Adam with Blue Flowers is?

Well, at least they got the blue flowers on the cake. Still, did they have to spell it out on the icing? Seriously, it’s kind of distracting.

21. Whoever this cake is for, let’s hope she doesn’t take it personally.

Is it supposed to be “Cali Girl?” Still, I wonder who’s receiving it understands what a “call girl” is. If she does, she’ll probably be pissed.

22. Happy Birthday, Cody, and take good care of your brains.

A brain on a cake? Now that’s gross. Makes you wonder if this guy is a fan of The Walking Dead. Then again, it’s implied that he’s seven.

23. Nothing makes a happy birthday than a cake with an ashtray full of cigarettes.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to see the sight of an ashtray as depressing as it is disgusting. As a cake, I see it no differently.

24. Seems like Jason is a real jerk and no one seems to make that a secret.

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Yes, just rub it in, I tell you. Wonder why Jason didn’t do anything for the other person’s birthday. Then again, he’s probably an ungrateful asshole to get a cake like this.

25. Guess this cake is for an old guy who’s not well-endowed.

Well, at least this cakes honest. But did they have to put it on a cake? Wonder if this birthday boy drives a Hummer or tries to compensate. Still, at least this one has some candy on it.

26. Relax, guys, it just so happens that his name is Dick and that he likes tools.

However, I can see why a cake like this might make some guys squirm. Yeah, the mention of “Dick” surrounded by tools could do that for them.

27. For young girls who like fairy tales, this frog prince cake will do nicely for their birthday.

Of course, writing on a cake isn’t the best way to ask for a spell check. Seriously, it’s going to a family later for some girl’s birthday. “Plese Prooffreed This Kake” should not be on there.

28. When it comes to birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with a mustache, assuming it’s for a guy.

This mustache cake would be perfectly appropriate for a man’s birthday. However, this is for a 30-year-old woman named Annie. Let’s just say women don’t like being seen having mustaches.

29. Nothing makes a great birthday cake than one of gummy worm infested skeletons in the ground.

Because if you want to celebrate a 9-year-old’s birthday, then you have to find some way to remind them about their inevitable mortality. And how their bodies will eventually decay and be infested with bugs. Very disgusting to think about it.

30. Nothing says “happy birthday” than a cake reminding that you’re engaging in destructive health habits.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the term “alcoholic in training” is a compliment. That decal of a woman in athletic gear just seems to make it more absurd.

31. Seems like Tinkerbell messed with the wrong side of the Force.

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No, Tink, you don’t want to mess with Darth Vader. He’s not a nice guy and doesn’t tolerate mischief whatsoever. Also, that lightsaber will kill you if he swings it at you.

32. Sorry to annoy parents, but I had to post this Barney cake.

Hey, I didn’t say it was a cake of Barney doing anything nice. Rather this is him flipping the bird like he would in traffic. As the song says, “I fuck you, you fuck me, you’d be shocked of my attorney’s fee…”

33. For a little girl’s birthday, you can’t go wrong with a pony cake.

I don’t know about you but this pony looks as if it’s been impaled on the side and is now sinking in some swamp. Not a very happy sight. Poor thing.

34. This family tried to get a cake like an newspaper for their 80-year-old grandpa. Hope that went well.

I don’t think this is what they had in mind. But I’m sure they would have to do. Still, doesn’t seem like a great newspaper to me. The words are written along the columns.

35. For strong girls who love Disney, I suppose a Brave birthday cake would be appropriate.

And it seems that this cake depicts Princess Merida on clean up duty. Or are those turds supposed to be foliage. Still, someone better explain themselves because it seems that Merida has just stepped in some large pile of cow manure.

36. I suppose any boy would surely love having a Buzz Lightyear cake for their birthday.

Okay, that’s bound to give 3-year-olds nightmares. Buzz Lightyear wasn’t meant to haunt people’s dreams. But I think this decorator sees him differently for some reason.

37. Those who were preteens and teens in the last decade might remember Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana.

Seems to have looked a lot creepier than I remember. And they thought she’d went on the deep end when she did her performance at the VMAs or in that “Wrecking Ball” video.

38. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one with lots of green icing on it.

This cake looks so messed up that I can barely read the words on it. Seriously, it looks as is someone puked green on it.

39. Nothing says “happy birthday” than a cake engulfed in flames.

Not sure if I think a cake in flames is appropriate for someone’s birthday. Still, even for flames, these are pretty lame.

40. Seems like who ordered this cake may not have high opinions of Dave and Steve.

Guess Dave on this cake might be a little light in the loafers. And for all I know, Uncle Steve might be on some sex offender list somewhere. Let’s hope they’re not in a relationship.

41. For a birthday cake, you can’t do better than with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Jack Daniels for a 25th birthday cake surprise

To be fair, this is for someone who is 25. Still, A bottle of Jack Daniels as a cake like that seems kind of depressing if you really think about it. Seems like Sam might need help.

42. Happy Birthday, Dick. I’m sorry, I mean Matt. We’re just screwing with you.

Too bad, already written down. Should’ve ordered a cake with someone who knows how to follow directions. Now that seems cruel.

43. When you turn 40, sometimes you feel that your life is going down the toilet.

Well, on the bright side, this doesn’t seem like a hard cake to make. Still, why they have to include the turds? That’s gross.

44. When you’re getting old, you might feel like you’re having a crisis.

Hope this person isn’t going through a midlife crisis. Or a health crisis. Still, not sure if you want that on a birthday cake.

45. Of course, a lot of girls would adore a Barbie birthday cake.

Well, Ryan can be a girl’s name. However, how many girls named Ryan do you know? Exactly. Still, I know a few guys named Ryan I went to school with though.

46. Nothing makes a little girl’s dream like a birthday cake of Princess Chewbacca.

Yes, this is Chewie in a dress. And yes, it’s like having the Beauty and the Beast in the same persona. Hey, laugh it up, fuzzball.

47. Nothing makes a better birthday cake for an 8-year-old than one of the Black Death.

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To be fair, this was made on purpose in light of a popular TV show in Britain. Still, Americans might not understand and think it’s gross. I hope one of professors doesn’t use a cake like that for his son’s birthday.

48. If you were around during the 2000s, you might remember the Jonas Brothers. Here’s a cake of them.

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49. When you want to have your birthday cake in a different language, maybe you shouldn’t order it retail.

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Whoever got this one should’ve ordered a blank cake and put the Chinese characters on it themselves. C’mon, what are the chances that a cake decorator in retail knows any Chinese?

50. Sometimes when you have two kids with birthdays and can only afford one cake, they might as well have to share.

Hope this cake doesn’t give any indication of how the Philadelphia Eagles were doing that season. I mean Eeyore isn’t the most sunny character from Winnie the Pooh. Still, must suck for siblings to share a cake. They should’ve went generic.

51. You can’t have a great birthday without a cake of a Chipoltle burrito.

Of course, right now you probably wouldn’t want a Chipoltle burrito cake for your birthday. Now that you think about it, with the E. Coli and Novovirus outbreaks, you don’t want to go anywhere near one.

52. Of course, clowns tend to be a popular birthday cake motif, especially for kids.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think “clown massacre” is a great theme for a birthday cake. In fact, I don’t think it’s a great theme for any cake. This is horrifying.

53. A lot of 21st birthday cakes have drinking, this is the cake that expresses how some feel the day after.

Actually, waking up with a hangover isn’t any fun. So why have a cake depicting one, I have no idea. Still, least it’s better than having a cake of the movie.

54. When it comes to birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with Harry Potter.

Seems like this Harry Potter cake has an acne outbreak and is totally emo teen mode. Also, where the hell is his lightning bolt scar on his forehead? Must be under the bangs.

55. When it comes to Barbie doll cakes, they’re always decked in pretty dress. Not sure about this one.

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Oh, my God, this Barbie has a beard. Guess this was originally for a girl and was made to look as manly as possible. Now it seems like some transvestite in a white frilly dress. Probably a lumberjack.

56. For the little boy who loves trains, a Thomas the Tank Engine birthday cake is just the ticket.

I don’t know about you. But it looks as if Thomas might be going off the rails. Is there any form of anger management at Shining Time Station? Because his rail rage might cause some accidents.

57. Happy 8th Birthday, Billy. Oh, wait, congratulations, Joe.

Seems like the decorator assumed that no one will notice. Please don’t mind the stuff they crossed out.

58. Of course, do you remember the time when Justin Bieber was popular? Still, there’s a birthday cake for him.

Never cared for Justin Bieber. Think he’s a scrawny twit if you ask me. Seriously, kill it. Kill it with fire.

59. Happy Birthday, Theresa. Here’s a cake you can surely sniff up to.

A coke hat cake? Seriously, that’s crazy. Oh, and it includes ecstasy. Okay, why does this cake even exist is my question. I mean why?

60. For her birthday, let no grass grow under her feet.

When they say, “Let no grass grow under her feet,” it’s usually not a compliment. Also, this cake is filled with some grammatical errors as well.

61. Now this Thomas the Tank Engine carnival birthday cake is great for any kid’s party.

Uh, did anyone get the memo that Peter has a nut allergy? I don’t think that’s something you put on cake. Not sure if this resulted in Peter breaking in hives.

62. For someone’s birthday, a bumblebee cake is always nice.

However, a cake with a bumblebee being pursued by a flamethrower, not so much. Seriously, why does this even exist? Why?

63. Happy Birthday to Heather and Susan, but more emphasis on Susan.

Yeah, I think this cake decorator has no idea how to follow directions. Also, I think this birthday cake is bound to make Heather feel disappointed.

64. Happy birthday and sorry about the soap.

Yeah, I think the soap is a bad idea. Still, let’s not hope it’s in the cake. That would be bad. Really bad.

65. Happy birthday, Dave, and remember to get a colonoscopy.

Then again, that’s a cigar burning on his butt. Which begs the question, why the hell does this cake even exist? Seriously, why?

66. Those who love Ghostbusters will adore this birthday cake.

Well, at least they’re honest. Still, that message, “you’re not special” gotta hurt. You really don’t want that on your birthday cake.

67. Celebrate your birthday with a cake of Lil’ Wayne.

Okay, I know the guy’s a rapper. But this one makes him seem like he’s a straight up horror movie villain. And the licorice dreads don’t help at all.

68. Nothing makes a better first birthday cake than one from Family Guy?

I know this was probably the parents’ idea. But still, Family Guy is a show for adults with adult jokes. A monkey cake would make more sense.

69. When it comes to little girl birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with a castle.

I don’t know about you but those towers don’t look right. To me they kind of resemble a trio of flowery dildos. Definitely not what you’d want on a cake for a little girl’s birthday.

70. Those who grew up with The Magic School Bus will enjoy this birthday cake of Ms. Frizzle.

Wait a minute, that’s supposed to be of musical artist Tori Amos. My bad. And a very bad rendition of her, too. Seriously, that doesn’t look right.

71. Of course, I couldn’t do a birthday cake post without including one of My Little Pony.

Well, this cake just says “My Little Pony,” so the birthday girl in this situation will have to use her imagination. Which is kind of a shame because the decorator didn’t know how to follow directions.

72. This 14-year-old girl’s birthday cake will bring you to tears.

Or rather, tears of, wait, is that supposed to be blood? Sure looks like it. So why did anyone think this was a good idea for a birthday cake? Why?

73. Since Frozen is all the rage, I just had to include a birthday cake of Queen Elsa.

Now that hardly resembles Elsa at all. More like a cartoony Queen Marie Antoinette dressed like Elsa for Halloween. They should’ve used a decal instead.

74. Happy 35th Birthday and sorry, I can’t draw a unicorn.

Well, I have to admire the decorator’s honesty. Then again, they might just have been repeating what the customer ordered. Either way, doesn’t look great on a cake.

75. Girls who love Disney princesses will surely adore this Cinderella birthday cake.

I’m afraid Cinderella hasn’t aged very well. That, or she’s been having a lot of plastic surgery over the years that has gone horribly wrong. I’m not sure which.

76. Happy birthday, and by the way, you’re fat.

Yeah, I think having “Happy Birthday Chubby” on a cake is bound to cause someone to have either a lower self-image or lose their temper. Please, don’t try to risk either.

77. All what this cake should say is, “Happy Birthday.”

Seems like someone took some customer’s directions a bit more literal than they should. Seriously, all they had to write was “Happy Birthday.” How hard could it be?

78. For small children, you can’t go wrong with an Elmo birthday cake.

To be fair, the birthday girl in this situation was sharing a birthday with her dad. However, it does seem like Elmo’s being naughty at a strip club. Seriously, couldn’t they just put a pickup truck for God’s sake?

79. All right, who the hell is L Hyphen A (With Sprinkles)?

Seems like this cake decorator put down exactly just what the customer ordered. Just not how they wanted it. That’s how you get cakes like these.

80. A guy who likes action movies would always like a birthday cake with Chuck Norris.

This cake is so wrong on so many levels. For one, that doesn’t look like Chuck Norris. Second, the grammar is horrible. Oh, that’s supposed to be “doesn’t cry”. Well, the spacing’s too close. Third, an assault weapon, really?

Vintage Celebrity Endorsements from the Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 9, 2016

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Since the NFL playoffs are major events on television this time of year, it’s no surprise that sponsors tend to air a flow of commercials during these games, many of which you probably have never seen before. Now many of these tend to pertain to food, cars, alcoholic beverages, and boner pills. But some don’t. Nevertheless, it’s not unusual that you might see plenty of products endorsed by celebrities sort of like, “Buy this product because I use it and I think it’s great. And I’m famous enough that you’ll trust my judgement.” You might not know this but the practice of product promotion through celebrity endorsement has been around for a very long time. How long?, you may ask. Well, let’s just that Roman gladiators endorsed products like today’s professional athletes. But why would anyone listen to a celebrity on something like food or hair care products? I don’t know. But I do know that people listen to celebrities, perhaps more than they should. I mean if it wasn’t for Jenny McCarthy saying that vaccines cause autism (which isn’t true at all by the way as several studies have shown), some people wouldn’t be as skeptical of vaccines as they are (which isn’t a good thing, honestly). Nevertheless, I can show you some of the great vintage celebrity endorsement ads out there. But you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show some of the more questionable ones, some of which don’t have the same impact as they did upon release. Others make you shake your head for an explanation. So without further adieu, I present to you some crazy celebrity endorsements from yesteryear. There’s a chance you might not know a lot of these people.

After a show, the legendary jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong likes to relax to Camel cigarettes.

Uh, Louis, as a jazz trumpet player, you work a lot with your lungs which is apparent in photos. So I don’t think relaxing to Camels may not be the best way to relax. Seriously, it’s not.

2. Rock Hudson sure likes to wrap around girls wearing Emba Mink.

Anyone who’s familiar with Rock Hudson’s sexual orientation would automatically see why this ad is hilarious. Seriously, I’m sure he’s totally faking it with that woman. I mean anyone who has any idea about who he was knows that he was more into the boys.

3. If Stevie Wonder could play video games, he’d play Atari.

Of course, Stevie Wonder doesn’t play video games because he’s as blind as a bat since birth. Seriously, how in the hell could anyone trust a blind guy’s judgement on video game consoles? Yes, he’s a Grammy award winning legend, but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to video games. And I especially mean that if it pertains to an ad endorsed by a guy who can’t see a thing.

4. If Geoffrey Holder had hair, he’d use Vidal Sassoon for men.

I’m not sure who this guy is other than him being a bald black actor. However, when it comes to choosing a shampoo, who do you think I’d trust more a bald guy or Sasquatch? Answer is always going to be Sasquatch every time. Still, at least Troy Polamalu’s endorsements for Head and Shoulders actually make sense.

5. New York Yankees legend Babe Ruth likes to smoke Old Gold cigarettes after a big game.

Great job, Babe, that’s another way to be a bad influence among your young fans. Now I understand nobody thought anything about it at the time. But still, those Old Gold cigarettes can’t help your game.

6. When it comes to giving boxes of chocolates, Humphrey Bogart chooses Whitman’s.

Reading Bogart’s face in this ad, I don’t think he communicates an expression of thoughtfulness. Rather I think he’s trying to put on a straight face while wondering how the hell he got into this endorsement deal in the first place.

7. Sandra Dee always tans faster with Coppertone suntan lotion.

When it comes to suntan lotion, you don’t want something that gives you a faster and deeper tan. Because that’s followed by a faster and deeper burn. Also, is it just me, or does Sandra Dee look a bit like a Oompah Loompah?

8. Dolores Del Rio smokes Lucky Strikes and has her throat insured for $50,000.

Uh, I don’t know about you, Dolores, but I think quitting Lucky Strikes altogether is a better investment on your throat than a $50,000 insurance policy. After all, years of smoking killed Humphrey Bogart and George Harrison in their late 50s from throat cancer.

9. Fred MacMurray always enjoys the taste of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup.

Is it just me or does Fred MacMurray seem to have a psychokiller glint on his face? He just looks so terrifying as if he’s trying to hide his strong bloodlust behind his pearly white smile. Still, this guy wasn’t known for playing psychokillers. Having a romantic interest in psychokillers, yes. But that was just Double Indemnity.

10. When it comes to cigarette brands, legendary baseball player Jackie Robinson smokes Chesterfield.

Yeah, Jackie, way to go with encouraging kids to smoke. Just remember you’ll be an anti-drug crusader toward the end of your life and die of a heart attack at 53.

11. Dorothy Lamour always knows that Royal Crown Cola tastes better than all the others.

I don’t drink pop so I couldn’t care less about Dorothy Lamour’s soft drink preference. However, I am interested about where Dorothy Lamour gets her hair done. Is it somewhere in Whoville?

12. Liberate your eyes with Alice Cooper’s Whiplash unisex mascara.

Well, I think Alice Cooper having a unisex mascara line is actually appropriate. However, not sure what I think about him wearing shiny wrapping paper with electrical tape. That’s just weird.

13. Right Guard Sport Stick helps Hulk Hogan express his sensitive side.

Hulk Hogan achieved fame as a studio wrestler. I’m sure an ad showing him putting up a sweat in the ring would be more appropriate. So why they have him painting is beyond me.

14. Royal Crown Cola would like to congratulate on her Oscar win for Mildred Pierce.

I’m sure Joan Crawford will be a reliable spokeswoman for Royal Crown Cola’s product. That is, until a decade later when she marries the CEO of Pepsi. Also, didn’t have a great relationship with a couple of her kids.

15. Rock Hudson can always tell a Halo girl by the shine of her hair.

However, while Rock might admire a woman’s shiny Halo hair, he tends to go for the Halo guys. Seriously, Rock, we all know you did this ad while you were in the Hollywood celluloid closet.

16. Florida Orange Juice: the premiere citrus for 1970s homophobes.

This terrifying woman pouring orange juice is Anita Bryant, former Miss Oklahoma, pop singer, and the spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission. However, she’s better known as an outspoken opponent of gay rights and her 1977, “Save Our Children” campaign. Today the gay community continues to regard her name synonymous with bigotry and homophobia.

17. Ed Sullivan takes his pictures with his Kodak Brownie 20.

I don’t know about you. But looking at this ad, I find the idea of having my picture taken by Ed Sullivan as a very disturbing ordeal. Seriously, he looks as if he’s up to no good.

18. For Donald Trump, Trump steaks are the world’s greatest steaks.

Of course, Donald Trump would think anything’s the best in the world if it has his name on it. Even his awful orange hamster hair. Still, for the love of God, please don’t vote for this guy for president. This man is a repulsive human being who feeds off the worst of humanity. Seriously, I really hate this guy.

19. On his boat with Lauren Bacall, Humphrey Bogart prefers to smoke cigarillos.

Yes, Humphrey Bogart smoked a lot in his life and movies, onscreen and off. Little did he know that all his years of smoking would lead to his death from throat cancer at 57. And it wasn’t a pleasant way to go either.

20. Ronald Reagan always prefers to smoke Chesterfields.

Guess he’s sure to regret doing that ad when he’s the US President during the 1980s. I mean didn’t his wife start a drug awareness campaign called, “Just Say No”? And here he is telling people to say, “yes” to smoking.

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoys a V drink from Japan.

Man, Arnie seems to have had a horrendous taste in fashion during the 1980s. Wherever he got that outfit, I really don’t want to know.

22. Merle Oberon uses Tru-Color Lipstick for her lips.

You might not know that Merle Oberon was said to suffer damage to her complexion in the 1940s from a combination of cosmetic poisoning and an allergic reaction to sulfa drugs. It’s alleged that she went through some partially successful dermabrasion procedures. Let’s just say if she endorsed any cosmetics, I’d advise you to stay away from them.

23. These Major League Baseball players always want the very best. So they smoke Cheserfields.

Wonder how many of these guys died of smoker related illnesses like lung cancer and heart disease. Also, I really don’t think cigarettes could help their game.

24. It’s said that Vincent Price’s Chinese Chicken is inscrutably delicious.

Not sure if Vincent Price was a good cook. However, since he’s best known for playing horror movie villains, ask yourself, would you ever eat anything made by Vincent Price? Think about it.

25. For a square deal to your lungs, smoke Teddy cigarettes.

This one came from Norway so it’s unlikely Teddy Roosevelt ever smoked these (but he did smoke in real life like most men at the time). But the Norwegians seem to have an affinity for the man as you see here. Then again, he was an incredible badass.

26. Tyrone Power opts for milder Chesterfields.

Tyrone Power might’ve smoked Chesterfields but he also died suddenly of a massive heart attack at 44. Genetics might’ve been involved (his dad died at 62 and in his arms). But his smoking might’ve had something to do with it.

27. Spock doesn’t always drink beer. But when he does, he drinks Heineken.

Uh, Heineken, Vulcan ears don’t work that way. Also, I don’t think Vulcans drink alcohol. Then again, booze might come in handy whenever he’s going through Pon Farr.

28. Bill Cosby always enjoys Jello pudding pops.

For all we know, those pops could be filled with booze and roofies and aimed toward women he wants to knock out and rape. Just say no, when he offers you one. Seriously, just say no.

29. Howdy Doody’s favorite treat is marshmallow “crispy squares.”

For one, those are “Rice Krispie Treats,” to call them anything else is plain heresy for me. Second, Howdy Doody was a popular character from a children’s show, not some cowboy doll known to kill people in their sleep. Though I can see why people might make that mistake.

3o. Bill Cosby calculates with a TI-59 Programmable.

I wonder if Texas Instruments regrets this endorsement during the 1980s. You can say that about any company that’s used Bill Cosby as a spokesman.

31. Merle Oberon uses Pan Cake make up to look younger and lovelier.

Once again, Merle Oberon isn’t the best authority on make up products. Remember how I said she had cosmetic poisoning that ruined her skin complexion.

32. Sonny and Cher read the book that everyone’s talking about: The Bible.

Don’t really see Cher as religious. But I heard that while Sonny publicly identified as Roman Catholic, he had an interest in Scientology and took Scientology courses. He was also said to be kind of a jerk to Cher if you ask me.

33. Vincent Price always prefers Creamettes whenever he makes pasta.

Whenever Vincent Price makes pasta, you wonder whether anyone drops dead from poison. Or ends up in his special room of horrors. Seriously, I wouldn’t eat anything made by Vincent Price no matter how good of a cook he is.

34. When it comes to killing roaches, Muhammad Ali goes with d-Con Roach Traps since they kill without poison.

Apparently, the notion that Muhammad Ali will beat ’em up and not kill them doesn’t apply to roaches. To him, roaches are as good as dead.

35. Doris Day endorses the International Deluxe Series 56 Roller Compactor.

Doris Day was an actress and here she is on a steamroller. Which begs the question: how in the hell she’d know about steamrollers? The only people I’ve seen using them are PennDOT workers for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

36. Phillies Cigars present the Mickey Mantle Baseball Special.

Is it just me or does Mickey Mantle seem like he’s hiding something sinister in that glove? It’s almost like he wants kids to get these cigars for the cards and that they perish by smoking themselves to death.

37. For rich flavor, Dick Nolan smokes Camels.

I’m sure smoking Camels is going to help Nolan with his play on the field. All it will do is harden his arteries and clog his lungs with tar. Also doesn’t help that he plays for the Detroit Lions.

38. For Christmas, Sean Connery always enjoys the gift of Jim Beam bourbon.

I thought Sean Connery more or less enjoys martinis, shaken, not stirred. Then again, he’d probably go, “That’s not what your mother said” and act like his crass self on Celebrity Jeopardy.

39. Eddie Cantor likes to make whoopie and smoke Old Gold.

Uh, Eddie, I think you need to wash your face. Seriously, you really need to wash your face. Your blackface makeup is really causing riots among your black audiences. It’s virulently racist expression. For the love of God, Eddie, wash your freaking face! Jesus Christ!

40. Even Groucho Marx thinks that Frosted Flakes are g-r-r-reat.

For some reason, I don’t think Groucho is giving a ringing endorsement. Rather his face reads, “How in the hell did this creep get in here? Get me security.”

41. As Bob Hope said, drilling for oil is about as tough as sipping pop from a sponge.

Apparently, I’m not sure if the sipping through a sponge metaphor makes any sense to me. Could it be that getting oil out is relatively easy at first but as you get more out, it becomes harder to find? That might make some sense.

42. When it comes to underwear, J. R. Ewing prefers $3.oo hard cash and soft comfort in BVD.

While J. R. Ewing might prefer soft comfort in his underpants, he tends to pursue hard cash by making it harder for everyone else. He’s just that kind of Texas oilman asshole you love to hate.

43. Like Joan Blondell, Auto-Lite Spark Plugs have rhythm and perfect performance.

Not sure what Joan Blondell knows about spark plugs. But at least this makes better sense than endorsing a steamroller. I mean she probably drives a car. Still, spark plugs aren’t glamorous products.

44. When he’s in the ring, Jerry Lewis grabs the bull by the tail.

Uh, Jerry, you really don’t want to do that. For one, it’s considered an act of cowardice for matadors in the ring. Second, it pisses off the bull.

45. Orson Welles always enjoys drinking Paul Mason wine.

Yes, he enjoys wine that suits his large appetite. High caloric food and booze were his major weaknesses as he tried to slim down with crash diets, drugs, and corsets for his early film roles. But after 1960, he was permanently obese.

46. Boris Karloff is distressed that he can’t find his carload full of arsenic.

This was when Boris Karloff was playing Jonathan Brewster in the original Broadway production of Arsenic and Old Lace. This is for Northern Pacific Railway. Nevertheless, I think his arsenic would’ve been confiscated by security by this point. At least today.

47. Michael Jordan is really into his Ball Park franks.

I don’t know about you. But it seems like MJ is a little too suggestive while eating his hotdog. Makes me want to question whether which team he really bats for. Then again, he might really enjoy Ball Park franks.

48. Opera singer Patrice Munsel says that Camel cigarettes agree with your throat.

I guess this woman didn’t have a long career in opera due to her lungs being filled up with tar. Still, Camel cigarettes don’t agree with your throat. Nor does any tobacco products. And that’s not me talking. That’s science.

49. Who knew that Reggie Jackson drove a Volkswagen Rabbit?

And I guess Reggie Jackson is the guy on his team that everyone makes fun of for driving an ugly car. Then again, the 1970s weren’t a great time for car design. But still, neither Volkswagen or baseball have a great reputation these days.

50. O. J. Simpson gets his kicks with Dingo boots.

I don’t know what’s crazier about this ad. The fact that Dingo has O. J. Simpson as its spokesman even though the guy would later kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend. Or that O. J. has 3 legs.

51. Before Stevie Wonder would get in a car with a drunk driver, he’d drive himself.

I saw this poster at my school when I was a grade schooler during the 1990s. It made sense at the time mostly because when you’re that age, you tend to have no idea that Stevie Wonder has been blind from birth. Yes, riding with a drunk driver is a big mistake. So is getting in a car driven by a guy who’s blind like Stevie Wonder.

52. Smirnoff helps Woody Allen get out of his shell.

That seems like freaky photoshop here by the looks of it. Not sure if Smirnoff should’ve gone with a literal interpretation, especially if it makes Woody Allen a bit of a creep. Then again, he kind of is.

53. Even His Holiness Pope Leo XIII enjoys Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine was a popular 19th century drink that consisted of Bordeaux wine with cocaine. Pope Leo XIII was a big fan of the drink and had the Vatican award a gold medal for the guy who created it. Yes, you can’t make that stuff up.

54. Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds use Western Union to send a telegram to their mothers on Mother’s Day.

These two are the parents of Carrie Fisher who’d later play Princess Leia. However, they do seem like such a sweet couple. Too bad that Eddie Fisher would later dump the wholesome Debbie for Elizabeth Taylor. Surprisingly, Debbie and Liz seemed to remain good friends like George Harrison and Eric Clapton.

55. Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy would like you to drink some Coca Cola.

No, these guys didn’t consist of a mad toymaker and his killer gentlemen doll. Bergen was a ventriloquist and Charlie McCarthy was his dummy (though he does look quite creepy). Their show was very popular on the radio at the time. He’s also the father of Candice Bergen.

56. The Dionne quintuplets march on with Karo.

Yes, they may appear like little rays of sunshine. But beneath their faces lies a maliciousness that breaks out when you least expect. Avoid these killer cherubs if you can.

57. Groucho Marx enjoys Blatz beer.

Yes, I know Groucho Marx was a funny guy. But looking at this, he seems like he’s offering you a drink that probably contains poison. And he seems to hope that you’re too dumb to notice.

58. Edmund Lowe protects his voice with Lucky Strikes.

6-Lucky-Strike–I-Protect-My-Voice-With-Luckies

He’s another opera singer, by the way. However, you what would do a better job protecting his voice than Luckies? Quitting them. Seriously, there are plenty of smokers who’ve lost their voices that some of them had to have special boxes put in.

59. Buster Keaton enjoys Smirnoff Vodka.

Not sure if you’d want to Buster Keaton to endorse your vodka, Smirnoff. Yes, he’s a silent legend, but he suffered from crippling alcoholism during the 1930s which nearly ruined his life. How bad was it? Well, at one point he married his nurse during an alcoholic binge.

60. Bing Crosby advises parents how to handle teenagers.

So his advice is with Fleers gum. Wasn’t expecting that. Rather, I thought he’d employ some measure of physical or emotional abuse on his kids, according to a few of his sons. Not sure if I’d trust his judgement.

61. The loveliest women in the world take Ayds like Hedy Lamarr.

Ayds were weight loss candies they had back in the day. Unfortunately, they fell out of popularity in the 1980s with the AIDS outbreak. Guess Hedy might’ve regretted this endorsement by that time.

62. Elvira just loves a man with a hairy chest.

I guess she’s a bit into men who tend to be walking carpets. Also, Coors Light had a Beer Wolf mascot? Wonder what happened to him.

63. It’s elementary to know why Basil Rathbone enjoys Chesterfield cigarettes.

I don’t know about you but does Basil Rathbone seem a bit creepy in this like he’s some serial killer in the dark. Must be the lighting if you ask me.

64. Peter Lawford wishes he went to more parties that serve Heublein’s Cocktails.

Of course, Peter Lawford was known to have several failed marriages and chronic alcoholism. Died of a heart attack at 61 along with complications associated with kidney and liver failure.

65. Dennis Hopper is practically helpless in his bath tub.

This is a Japanese shampoo ad from the 1980s. Not sure why Hopper’s like this and why the water in his tube is a bright blue.

66. Phil Silvers always enjoys Smirnoff around the holiday season.

I don’t know about you, but something doesn’t seem right about Phil Silvers in this. Either he’s violently insane or just drunk.

67. Vincent Price wants you to wrap yourself in Emba Mink.

Yes, I know that Vincent Price is known to play creeps in his movies. And he’s certainly creepy in this one. But he’s more like the dirty old man trying to grope this young blonde than anything you’d see from a horror movie.

68. When they say, “Bloody Mary,” Julie Newmar reaches for Smirnoff.

Not sure who Julie Newmar is nor do I care. But whipping out a bottle of vodka like a gun, really? That’s just crazy.

69. Dragnet’s Jack Webb says it’s wise to smoke Fatima cigarettes.

Jack Webb was a radio personality. No, I’m not sure if he’s ever been in horror movies. Nevertheless, he certainly has a face to play a some slasher film psychokiller. Yes, I can totally see him murdering teenagers and he wouldn’t have to wear a mask.

70. Robert Goulet and Carol Lawrence always enjoy a Heublein cocktail.

For some reason Robert Goulet seems more focused on Carol Lawrence more than anything. Not sure if he’s staring at her boobs or her legs. Probably her legs. Yes, Robert Goulet is a perv.

Working Out on Fitness Equipment

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 4, 2016

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After the holidays, it’s not unusual for many people to regret their yuletide season bingefest and have health and weight loss goals among their New Year’s resolutions. Of course, this means having to change your diet like eating healthier foods and exercise like getting more of it and hitting the gym. Retailers have taken notice of this and it’s no surprise that the January catalogs are filled with all kinds of health and fitness stuff in order to help you shed the holiday pounds. They also expect that most people who resolve to lose weight or improve health won’t be sticking to it by February. And by then all that health and fitness stuff will be listed at large discount prices. But you can bet that it will be all advertised again in the spring once Easter is over and bikini season is around the corner. Then again, at that point most people prefer to exercise outdoors, anyway. As for me, I prefer to go for a walk around the nearby roads of my house except when it’s unbearably cold or rainy. Now fitness equipment has existed in gyms and homes for a long time. What you see in this picture consists of the kind of fitness equipment you’d find at any gym or weight room. Yet, since a lot of people don’t have much access to a gym and are willing to try anything to lose weight in the laziest way possible, you tend to see a lot of fitness gizmos being marketed to the masses through infomercials and catalogs. And yes, they can be rather ridiculous Rube Goldberg devices that make inventions you see on Wallace and Gromit seem to make perfect sense (like Wallace’s machine to help him get up in the morning). But it doesn’t stop many of them becoming fads of their own, despite having a ridiculous premise behind it, appearing like something you’d find in a torture chamber or sex dungeon, make you look like a ridiculous idiot, and possibly carrying health risks. So for your viewing pleasure, here are some crazy fitness equipment that will make you scratch your heads in confusion or help shed some pounds through uproarious laughter. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

Free Flexor

I guess this is among the latest in homoerotic work out equipment that flexes all your arm and shoulder muscles. Also, gives you a 6 minute 3D masturbation experience. And you thought the Shake Weight was inappropriate.

2. Treadmill Bike

For those who like the run in place while you’re riding your bike, this is for you. Still, if you like running on a treadmill and the great outdoors, there’s always a cheaper option: running outside. Also, it looks like a scooter.

3. Fitness Equipment for Children

Because why should kids be exempted from the adult gym experience when there’s a childhood obesity crisis on our hands? Besides, little Bobby needs to learn how to bench press if he wants to play in Pee-Wee wrestling or football.

4. Hawaii Chair

From Huffington Post: “Constantly doing the hula at the office will definitely boost productivity and encourage a fun work environment.” Yeah, until someone pulls a ham string on this one.

5. Slendertone Belt

So I suppose this is a magical vibrating belt that’s guaranteed to give anybody rock hard abs without doing any work on it. Worn by a guy who probably has his own personal trainer and spends countless hours in the gym.

6. Ab Rocket Twister Abdominal Trainer

From Greatist: “Five minutes a day to “sizzling rock hard” abs? After a $14.95 30-day trial, some users beg to differ. And while the Ab Rocket might do something for that midsection, the neck and back supports aren’t exactly cushy, and the whole “workout-plus-massage” part? Talk about failure to launch.” Yeah, it looks fairly uncomfortable.

7. Big Wheel Skates

Trying to skate whether on ice or on roller blades does give you some share of injuries with trips, slips, and falls. However, I think skating on these not only looks more dangerous, it also makes users look like complete idiots.

8. Dumbell Utensils

Because there’s no need why you should stop lifting weights in order to grab a bite. Just make your meals part of your exercise routine with these heavier utensils that make eating dinner really hard to bite into. Might encourage you to eat with your hands.

9. Steam-O-Belt

Now this belt operates on the premise that sweating helps you lose body fat (like sauna pants and a lot of other things). Uh, that doesn’t work my friend. Of course, such facts didn’t get in the way of Lord Byron trying to sweat off his weight by wearing layers of waist coats. May not have worked by at least he looked better than these people.

10. Health and Beauty Belt Massager

You may see this thing in many old movies, TV shows, and cartoons. And yes, they’re still being made. Still, it’s said that this belt sends a vibrating wave targeting areas of excess fat. So how does that work?

11. Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power

This one is from South Korea, which is designed, according to the manufacturer and I kid you not, “for those who like to ride the horse in front of TV and in home comfort of their own space.” Like a stable with its own TV? Seriously, how is a portable piece of stationary exercise equipment like riding a horse? I don’t get it.

12. Face Trainer

I think this is supposed to tone your face to prevent sagging wrinkles through face exercising. I am not making this up. Still, not sure if my head confined to something like that.

13. Shake Weight

Of course, I couldn’t ignore this one since it has been mercilessly mocked on SNL, Daily Show, South Park, and anywhere else. Helps you get in shape with suggestive pulsating motion as seen here. And yes, they make one for men.

14. The Bounce Back Chair

It’s supposed to combine the cellular exercise of rebounding with the safety and comfort of a chair. Of course, they also claim that bouncing, “remove toxins, strengthen the immune system, and help build strong healthy cells.” Really?

15. Thigh Master

This is another famous product that started the whole fitness “as seen on TV” thing. Still, so in order to get great thighs like Suzanne Somers, I just have to work out with this pool noodle clamp thing between my legs. Not sure if I buy it.

16. Combustible Gas Powered Pogo Stick

Part pogo stick, part jackhammer, this will help you shed pounds faster than you can imagine. Available during the 1960s, but it’s no longer in production for obvious safety concerns. Think of riding a jackhammer without a hose tethering you to a compressor.

17. Ab Lounge Chair

Not sure if it’s guaranteed to give you rock hard abs. However, if you’re also part of the BDSM community, I assure you won’t be disappointed.

18. Leg Magic X

This is an exercise machine designed for building leg muscles in senior citizens. You’re supposed to spread your legs and stand on it for 60 second sessions throughout the day. Nevertheless, it doesn’t provide much utility for $150.

19. Bucking Bronco Exercise Machine

Apparently, in the olden days, working out at the gym had a lot of similarities to riding a mechanical bull. Wonder how many injuries that caused.

20. The Rack

Don’t get me wrong, but this looks like a complete rip off to me. I mean if I wanted to work out like that, it would be cheaper for me to go over to my grandparents’ house, steal my grandpa’s walker, and exercise with that (which I wouldn’t do in real life). This guy must feel like a complete idiot.

21. Electric Corset

So if wearing a shapewear garment that crushes your internal organs wasn’t bad enough for women at the turn of the century. There was even a corset that was supposed to relieve their ills through electroshock. Said to relieve Nervous Debility, Spinal Complaints, Rheumatism, Paralysis, Numbness, Dyspepsia, Liver and Kidney Troubles, Impaired Circulation, Constipation, and Diseases Peculiar to Women. Not surprisingly, the guy who came up with this idea was a well known quack.

22. Dr. Kellogg’s Battle Creek Vibratory Chair

No, this isn’t an execution device. It’s a therapeutic vibrating chair that was invented by the guy who’s name will be forever associated with a cereal brand. It was said to shake rather violent and be painful to sit on.

23. Wonder Cycle Exercisulator

From Diettogo: “This device from the 1930’s is supposed to simulate the riding of a horse as you press down on the pedals. Wearing the headgear simply gives you extra style points.” Of course, it might be a fine addition to your sex dungeon if you’re into that sort of thing.

24. Ab Roller

I think my high school has one of these things. It’s supposed to make doing sit ups easier by negating the lifting of one’s head while also giving them something to hold onto. Still, I might’ve tried to use one of these, but I couldn’t really do a sit up with it.

25. Human Exercise Wheel

Because there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t have the same endurance work out method as your hamster. Seriously, this is just so ridiculous that you’d think it’s a joke. Sorry, but it’s a totally real thing.

26. Tug Toner

If you didn’t think the Shake Weight or the Free Flexor didn’t give you a workout that you’d be embarrassed to do in front of the kids. The Tug Toner provides the ultimate suggestively vulgar workout. Costs only $39.95 with shipping and lots of handling.

27. iGallop

From Complex: “We have our doubts that anyone has actually purchased this machine. It is our belief that it was engineered to produce a series of softcore porn infomercials starring girls in bootie shorts and cowboy hats. But, if you believe a half-hearted version of horseback riding is a great workout, and you are unable to get laid (as the workout has certainly similarities to the motions you go through in the sack) … well, this is the machine for you.” This kind of makes sense if you think about it.

28. The Europlate Vibraslim

So in order to lose weight and get fit, I could stand on a vibrating platform for a few minutes. So how is this exercise? Because I don’t think standing on something that’s vibrating necessarily is.

29. Tony Little’s Gazelle Freestyle

From Complex: “In his long and infamous career, Tony Little has produced enough fitness-related garbage to have this entire list to himself. With such inventions as Tony Little’s Cheeks Health Sandals to this atrocity, Little has made a career as a douchey fitness mad scientist. At least mad scientists tend to keep to themselves, chill in their lairs, and avoid sexual harassment.” It’s said that the informercial for this almost resembles a porn video.

30. Dr. Kellogg’s Stomach Roller

Created by Dr. J. H. Kellogg, this was one of the early exercise machines that promised great abs. Not sure whether it worked or how it was supposed to accomplish that.

31. Power Wheel Pike

It’s a wheel you’re supposed to do push ups with. Nevertheless, uni-cyclists can be happy that this product makes them seem normal in comparison.

32. Push Up Pump

This one is supposed to help you with push ups. Of course, those who are push up challenged like me might save $100 if they use the same strategy as I do for a push up. You know, do knee push ups instead. Works just as well.

33. Red Exerciser

This is supposed to swivel your way to a healthy body. Just sit down on this red stool, hold tight, and twist. Also doubles as a rather overpriced bar stool.

34. Relax-a-Cizor

From Life Aura: This contraption should win an award somewhere for being the most ludicrous invention ever introduced to humankind! The poor women who had tried the vibration to no avail somehow became convinced that allowing themselves to be shocked via electricity would help! The Relax-a-Cizor was sold to over 400,000 unsuspecting victims before it was finally taken out of circulation, due to some very nasty side effects, including miscarriage, irregular heart rhythms, and aggravation of a number of underlying medical conditions. What a shock that is! No pun intended of course.” Available during the 1960s.

35. Slender Salon

So I guess one of the few ways for women to get into shape in the 1950s is to sit on a chair with springs around their legs. And they could do their knitting in the meantime.

36. Slendertone Bottom Toner

From Spot Me Girl: “With 99 intensity levels, your bottom isn’t the only thing it’s looking to tone! (seriously, why are all the vibrating things for women?)” She has a very good point. Still, this looks so ridiculous.

37. Walk Station

Basically, it’s a treadmill for your work station that allows you to walk in place as you work. From Spot Me Girl: “This actually isn’t weird at all. It’s the fastest way to sound out of breath to your clients and the best way to smell awful at the office.”

38. Jump Snap- The Ropeless Jump Rope

Now you can jump rope without ever having to worry about getting tangled in an an actual jump rope. Only catch is that it makes you look like a complete idiot in public.

39. Abdoer Twist

From Huffington Post: “This piece of “equipment” looks like a horrible cross between office chair and virtual reality ride, I’m nauseous just looking at it.” Actually an office chair and virtual reality cross would be more fun than this thing.

40. Slendertone System Shorts

Also known as vibrating Spanx as you can see. Are Spanx supposed to vibrate and help you lose weight? No.

41. Teeter Hang Ups Gravity Boots

From Complex: “The fitness benefits of hanging upside down are … absolutely zero. But if you can’t fight the urge to defy gravity, we urge you to lock the door. You don’t want to get robbed, pranked by mischievous roommates, or have a visit from a vengeful ex while you are stupidly stuck in these.” Has a good point.

42. Gliding Discs Exercise System

From Huffington Post: “Just what you’ve always wanted, two pieces of slippery plastic to help make your workout tougher and infinitely more dangerous. Place it under your feet then attempt a lunge! Watch out when you fall right on your face.”

43. BeamFit Balance and Exercise Beam

From Huffington Post: “This one is super complicated. For $80 you can try to walk in a straight line.” Seems like a ripoff to me. I can walk in a straight line for no money at all.

44. Cool Shapes

Another pair of exercise Spanx. But this time, you insert ice packs to freeze your body fat off. Not sure if it works, but I wouldn’t want to put ice packs in my pants to lose weight. What am I nuts?

45. Body Blade

Now you can get in shape while reenacting your Robin Hood or Katniss Everdeen fantasies. Also makes you look like an idiot since it doesn’t come with arrows or a bowstring.

46. Molby Revolving Hammock

From Slip Talk: “By the time the roaring 1920’s emerged, corsets were on their way out. However, inventors and scientists found new and exciting ways to combine painful bondage into passive fitness methods.”

47. High Tech Ride iJoy

From Huffington Post: “Get six-pack abs and simulate riding a mechanical bull with the High Tech Ride iJoy. All you need to do is ‘sit back, keep your balance and have fun.'”

48. Mechanized Magic Beauty Chair

From Life Aura: “The Magic chair made its debut in 1936 and offered a variety of ways to help a woman lose weight and become more pleasant to the eyes, simply by sitting in this nifty chair. The idea was that rigorously twisting the poor woman from side to side would somehow correct her posture, chip away at water retention in her ankles, slim her chin and all kinds of other lovely things! Never mind that not everyone sitting in this chair even had a crooked spine to begin with, perhaps after though!” Looks more like a torture device to me than a beauty chair.

49. Wonder Lounge Exerciser

It’s a lounge chair that doubles as a workout mat. Wonder if anyone has gotten squeezed inside during assembly.

50. Sit Fit Exercise Device

From Huffington Post: “For those who always wanted to grate cheese with their feet but never developed the right muscles.” Looks pretty painful, especially with heels.

51. Peddler

From Huffington Post: “Stimulates leg circulation anywhere! Also, tense coworkers can lie beneath your desk and put product between their shoulder blades for an easy massage.” Makes a convenient doorstop.

52. Portable Home Gym

From Huffington Post: “Perform hundreds of exercises including throwing pieces of metal against the wall in frustration.” You can say the same about some of the other devices on this post. Still, this ad makes it seem so fun.

53. Arm Exercise Weights

Now you can get in shape at work while wearing an arm band with weights. Might weigh you down while you’re trying to do your job.

54. Slimming and Toning System

From Huffington Post: “Full disclosure: Any product that requires users to take off their off their pants takes a little while to get used to. But fitness-minded friends will understand that sometimes, extreme toning calls for extreme measures. “

55. Talking Hand Exerciser

You’re supposed to work your arm muscles by squeezing it. But squeezing it too hard might make this product scream in pain.

56. 2-Step Under-Desk Dancercise for Feet

From Huffington Post: “Not only should you not be “dancercising” at your desk, but we’re pretty sure you can do whatever this product suggests using, well, your own two feet.”

57. The Velcro Home Jogger

Because nothing makes a great workout than running in place in your own living room. Maybe if you want to go running, perhaps go outside.

58. Under-Clothing Resistance Weights

They’re weights you wear under your legs in order to get fit. Just make sure you don’t wear them while swimming. Or if your boss might throw you in the lake.

59. Speedfit Portable Treadmill

A treadmill is stationary equipment for people to run in place. It should stay that way. Seriously, a treadmill with wheels is just idiotic.

60. Shape Up Dumbbell Alarm Clock

Some people tend to work out first thing in the morning. But this is just ridiculous. Seriously, why?

61. Dr. Weener’s Stud Master

From the box, “At last – an exerciser that conditions the one muscle that all other machines ignore!” I wonder what that could be. Looks rather phallic. Oh, that’s what it’s for.

62. The Upper Body Aerobic Exerciser

How is this supposed to exercise your upper body? All this looks to me is just a couple of rings melded together with bolts and handles. Also seems like a less erotic alternative to the shake weight than anything.

63. The Speedboard

It’s supposed to be a treadmill without a motor and it’s powered by gravity and your ability to lift the weights. So how is this a treadmill?

64. Dumbell Phone

Now you can lift weights while you’re on the phone. Of course, you’ll have to keep it up during the entire conversation unless you switch hands from time to time. Also, it’ll make you look incredibly stupid in front of your kids.

65. Vibrating Platform

This is what a vibrating platform looked like during your grandparents’ day. Resembles some sci-fi styled torture device. But I’m sure those springs are electrically charged.

66. Ab Crunching Machine

This was an invention by Dr. Gustave Zander. And this was how 19th century men tried to get those rock hard abs at the gym. Yeah, it kind of looks like something you’d see in Steampunk sex dungeon. But a man had to work out in his suit.

67. Push Up Machine

This mechanism makes it easier for a Victorian gentlemen to do push ups or leg presses. Also, had to do them in his suit just to remain proper.

68. Adult Jungle Gym

Allows adults to exercise their whole body at the gym. Or a rich Victorian gentleman’s sex dungeon. Makes me wonder whether Dr. Zander had some fetish with bondage.

69. Gentleman’s Leg Press

This fitness device is supposed to strengthen your lower body by placing your feet on some large drum with their shoes off. Now I wonder how this is supposed to work. Guy just looks like he’s keeping his feet warm to me.

70. Work Out Frame Bench

Yhis boy seems to enjoy working out on that piece of equipment. Kind of like I did in high school whenever I had to spend gym class in the weight room, which was a lot during the colder months. God, I used to hate it there.

71. Power Spin

Said to: “Delivers arms and abs to be proud of.” It’s around tube with a ball in it that you just wiggle around for a long time with repetitive wrist motions. So it’s more likely to give you Carpal Tunnel Syndrome than great abs and biceps.

72. Lady’s Body Harness

So I guess this is one of the few acceptable ways a Victorian lady could get in shape at the gym. Doesn’t really seem to do much. Seems like an early vibrating belt to me.

73. Love Handler

It’s supposed to help you sculpt your body by helping you get rid of your love handles. Uh, I don’t think spot fat removal works that way. Eating less and more cardiovascular exercises is more effective.

74. Panasonic Core Exercise Trainer

From Scooby’s Workshop: “There are much less expensive ways to train your core and they don’t take up half the room! To their credit they don’t make any unreasonable claims.” And don’t cost $2000 either. Buying a yoga mat and DVD is a better investment.

75. The ViPR

It’s said that you can do over 9,000 exercises with this. You know what else you can do thousands of exercises with? A floor.

76. Facial Fitness Pao Smile Trainer

Because nothing firms your face like a mouth plug with blades on it. Product from Japan. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist? Why?

77. The Sizer Upper

I call this the “Sizer Upper” because all I think they’re doing is sizing each other up. Not sure how that gets you exercise.

78. Ab Circle

Said to help you get great abs by helping you twirl in circles. Looks like some small stool with knee rests and handles to me.

79. Facial Lift Atonce

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Again another plug for your mouth that’s said to help prevent wrinkles and also makes you seem like an idiot. Probably doesn’t work.

80. TRX

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It’s a large fitness rack that seems to cost a lot and take up a lot of space. You’re supposed to work out on it with ropes. A swing set or monkey bars would make more sense.

The Timekeeping World of Clocks

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 1, 2016

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As we welcome 2016, I couldn’t think of a better post to start the new year off with than one about a device we use to tell time with. Now clocks have been one of the oldest human inventions to meet the need to consistently measure intervals of time shorter than that natural units such as the day, the lunar month, and the year. Such devices operating on several physical process have existed for millennia starting with sundials, hourglasses, water clocks to our modern digital and atomic clocks. A major advance in timekeeping was the invention of the escapement in Europe in the year 1300 which allowed the invention of first mechanical clocks which used oscillating timekeepers like balance wheels. Spring-driven clocks appeared during the 15th century and between that and the 16th century, clockmaking flourished. The Exploration Age saw the invention of the pendulum clock in 1656 as well as efforts to improve timing accuracy and reliability for the importance of navigation. The first electric clock was invented in 1840 while the 20th century saw clocks with no clock parts at all. Of course, there are plenty of clocks out there since there are people who make their own as a project. And there are some unique clocks that have been produced for the masses. So to open the new year for your reading pleasure, here is a collection of some truly unique clock designs you can’t miss a minute on.

We begin with a rusty Steampunk clock that resembles a fish.

Yes, it almost looks like Captain Nemo could’ve used one like this in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Still, I’m not sure if it reflects Nemo’s decorative tastes.

2. Now this is a clock that’s beneath a Grecian Urn.

Of course, this one was from the mid 1800s, during the time of Emperor Napoleon III of France (don’t ask, it takes a long explanation). Still, probably didn’t come cheap.

3. Now this wall clock comes with some floral decoration.

Now this was probably a DIY project and possibly by a girl. Yes, it’s a frilly clock but it’s quite pretty to say the least.

4. Some table clocks can look like anything. This one resembles a lawn chair.

I’m sure this is fairly small and can be put in a dollhouse. And I’m sure it’s more expensive than a plastic lawn chair. Still, very clever.

5. In this clock, the analog face is a girl’s hairpiece.

Now I think this clock wasn’t built to specifically tell time. And it some ways, it kind of looks either Steampunk or gothy. Yet, since it’s unique, it goes on the post.

6. When it comes to old muscle car headlights in a junkyard, you can give one a new life by making it into a clock.

Yes, it looks a bit rusty. Yes, it can use some red paint. But still, I don’t think I can make a clock like that in a million years. Then again, I probably can’t make a clock, period.

7. Those who enjoy 1980s video games can now wake up with Pac-Man.

This is a 3D Pac-Man alarm clock. I’m sure this wasn’t made in the 1980s. But if you, hit the snooze button, I wonder if Pac-Man will try to eat your head.

8. Now this clock seems to go for a more natural look.

This one is made from a wooden panel and decorated with branches. Not sure if it fits in a hunting lodge. But hey, I like it.

9. Now I wonder whether this clock can tell you when it’s Miller time.

Then again, not sure if I know some of these beer brands. But I think this would be a perfect clock for a bar. Yet, very inappropriate for a venue that sponsors AA meetings.

10. For old clocks, make sure it has the proper gears to work.

Now I guess this is either an antique or some DIY Steampunk creation. For some reason, it kind of reminds me of the movie Hugo.

11. This antique grandfather clock is not impressed.

Now this is the kind of clock you’d expect to see from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. Still, I doubt that this clock has a tale as old as time.

12. Now this is a martini shaker clock is perfect for any cocktail party.

However, I wouldn’t recommend you using to shake James Bond’s martini. It probably has a bunch of parts within. Thus, it’s most likely for timekeeping and display only.

13. This pencil clock will help any teacher start on time in the classroom.

Of course, these pencils look like Papermates, which have shitty erasers. Still, it’s pretty ingenious even if it doesn’t list numbers.

14. Do you sometimes wish that you had a block to tell the time for you?

Looking at this, you’d swear the clock numbers are painted on this black block of wood. Wonder how this works.

15. A clock tower clock? How original.

Though some towns have clock towers, they don’t usually look like this. But this one is suited for indoors and didn’t come cheap.

16. Now this antique clock seems to belong in some rich guy’s hunting lodge.

I think this might be an antique German hunting lodge clock as far as I can tell, I’ve seen a smaller one in vintage postcard. But it looked nothing like this one.

17. This jeweled gold clock is small enough that you can take it wherever you go.

Of course, assuming any of these jewels are real, it’s possible that this clock might cost more than a car. Nevertheless, it’s quite beautiful to say the least.

18. Need a way to tell when Polly needs a cracker? Perhaps this clock will tell you.

Yes, this is a birdcage clock. Yes, the face is on the bottom, which means you’ll have to tilt your head back to know what time it is from this clock.

19. For those who want to know when to bake some bread, there’s an electric mixer clock for that.

Now this mixer looks as if it’s straight from the 1950s. But I don’t think it’s for actual use. Still, love the pink.

20. Of course, mornings are usually the time of say when they go to the Waffle House.

The Waffle House is a breakfast food joint with similar heart attack inducing fare as Ihop. Yet, with a more shady reputation.

21. This sewing machine will help you determine the proper time to hem.

Now this one seems to be a high class replica of those old sewing machines you had to power with a crank. Still, it’s quite nice.

22. This clock has a hand that tells the minute and a slit that reveals the hour.

Now that’s one neat way to tell time. From the face, I can guess it’s about ten after 11.

23. Now this is a watch that will exactly tell you the time of day.

Of course, the letters are all jumbled in this watch. But you get what I mean.

24. In case, you don’t know the time, day, or month, this clock will help you.

Kind of seems like something you’d see in a Jules Verne novel. Of course, we don’t need a clock to tell us the day or the month. We have calendars that do it for us.

25. Of course, some might be partial to peacocks in terms of their clock design.

Now this one seems to have a peacock and his feathers all over this clock. Not sure if I want it, but it’s a rather ingenious design in its own way.

26. Now this timekeeper seems to be made from a slab of wood.

Yes, it looks like it was made from a slab of varnished wood. But keep in mind that analog clocks look easier to make than they really are.

27. Of course, public clocks can always be seen from the side of buildings.

Now this one is said to be from Belgium. Not sure what building it is. But whenever a clock strikes a certain hour, one of these figures jumps out of their holes.

28. Now this clock is sure to tell you when you need to whip out your old kitchen utensils.

I don’t think those utensils will help you in the kitchen. Seems to go well with the previous electric mixer clock I put up. Then again, it’s in the same color.

29. Nothing makes a more beautiful clock face than cardinal in winter.

Now that’s a pretty cardinal and a well painted one, too. Still, this still doesn’t mean that it should be the bird symbol for 7 US states. I mean find a bird more original.

30. For all you music lovers out there, this clock is for you.

Now this one shows the kind of scales and how many sharps and flats you should use. Perfect for any music classroom.

31. Of course, we all remember this old Kit-Cat clock.

Correct me if I’m wrong. But I kind of find this cat’s moving eyes a bit unsettling whenever I see this in movies or cartoons. Why it’s so familiar, I have no clue.

32. On this wall clock, any time is pizza time.

Of course, you can say that for some people. Not sure what to think of this. But it’s unique so it goes on this post.

33. When it comes to waking up in the morning, this alarm clock makes you shoot the snooze button.

Of course, using this alarm clock has been responsible for sleeplessness in Imperial Stormtroopers. Those familiar with Star Wars know that Stormtrooper marksmanship is appalling.

34. Now this is a commemorative clock that’s courtesy of the British Department of Silly Walks.

You have to bet since that famous Monty Python sketch came out, that such a clock would soon exist. Of course, you’d never be able to tell when John Cleese is at his silliest here.

35. For all you space lovers out there, this clock shows the phases of the moon.

Not sure if this clock depicts moon phases by the hour, day, or month. But I’m sure some space nerds would want to get their hands on one if they could.

36. Now this is a digital clock that tells time from a roll of film.

Of course, some of my younger viewers under a certain age (like children) may have no idea that we once used film to take pictures with. And that we had to send that roll away to develop them. And no, you couldn’t preview the picture on your screen because that didn’t exist. You had one shot to get it right and that was it.

37. These old license plates give this clock an interesting face.

Now theses are US license plates. But each one is of a different state and gives a number of the hour. It’s not colorful but it’s cool in its own way.

38. Seems like this clock gives you the time as if it’s keeping score.

The numbers on here are depicted like tally marks. Numbers 1-5 don’t take up much space. But 11-12 certainly do.

39. If you didn’t know how to read a clock, you wouldn’t be able to tell the time by some of these hand signs.

Now the numbers on this clock are depicted as seen in American Sign Language (ASL). From what I can tell on this. it’s about 25 till 8.

40. Now if you have an old lantern that’s obsolete, make a clock out of it.

Wonder if this clock was made from an old railroad lantern. Because it sure looks like it.

41. For the morbid sort, you might want to get the time from this skull.

Of course, this might make some of my viewers squeamish. But I assure you, it’s most likely made out of wood. At least I hope it is.

42. Of course, you can make your own clock from a tree slice, if you find one big enough.

Now from the rings, it seems that this tree was very old when it fell. And it seemed to have suffered from heart rot. So I guess it was going to die anyway.

43. For Captain James T. Kirk, it’s always time to go where no man has gone before.

Now this is a clock depicting the spacecraft you see on Star Trek. I’m sure the 12 o’clock ship is the Enterprise. All the others I’m not so sure.

44. I don’t know about you, but I could’ve sworn that this clock was owned by Salvador Dali at some point.

I don’t know why I suspect it. Perhaps it’s because this clock’s face looks pretty surreal. And we know that Dali was a leading artist in that movement, particularly when it came to melting clocks like this one.

45. Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched?

Now this is a Steampunk DIY clock that’s made to look like an owl. Uses gears, pieces of metal, and CDs. Still, I think it’s pretty cool.

46. I don’t know about you but this clock makes me feel that time is going down the drain.

Yeah, this clock makes it seem that all the hours are in some state of flux like a death spiral. Still, looking at it too long kind of makes you feel dizzy.

47. This pool cue ball clock is sure to delight any game room.

To some, this might be a wonderful work of art. To me, it appears more appropriate decoration for a bar, particularly one with a pool table.

48. A bedazzled alarm clock like this is sure to wake you up in the morning.

I’m sure those gems are fake or this clock would be very expensive. Still, it’s incredibly tacky for my taste. Yet, I do love the diamond ring around the face.

49. This wall clock seems to have time on the ball.

Not sure how this clock works. Does the clear one denote the hour while the red denotes the minute? Or is it the other way around?

50. Now this is the kind of clock that makes a good stove timer.

Well, it looks like an old fashioned stove. Not sure if I want it in the kitchen. But it sure looks so quaint and whimsical.

51. This guy seems happy that he’s arrived just in time.

Now that’s adorable even if it’s more suited for a kid’s room. Also, doubles as a bookcase as you see.

52. When I see this clock, it seems to remind that my time on earth is limited.

I don’t know about you. But I don’t think I’d want to use this clock to count down to my inevitable mortality. Besides, I’ll be 26 in a couple of weeks.

53. With Atomic Age clocks, they can be in almost any shape or form.

Now these clocks come in all kinds of weird variations. But for some reason I like this one the best. Still, interesting taste.

54. I don’t know about you but is this clock watching me or the time?

Now this is creepy as hell. Not sure why someone would make this. Still, certainly wouldn’t want that in my living room.

55. I’m sure this clock helps tell you when it’s a good time to rock n’roll.

Well, this was probably not made from a real electric guitar. Still, I think it would be perfect for any rock n’ roll room.

56. If you want to find the time of day, I suggest you look in this book.

I’m sure there’s a bunch of gears and machinery inside. But it does look like a real book that tells time.

57. I’m sure you’ve seen a clock design like this on your dashboard. Oh, that was a speedometer but you get the idea.

Now this would be perfect for someone who likes cars. Wonder which gauge indicates what. Then again, they each stand for 3, 6, and 9.

58. This clock will certainly be perfect for any bookshelf.

Now this clock does consist of a stack of books together. Wonder if anyone would notice it if you put it within a bookshelf among other books. Probably.

59. For artists in you, this pallet clock will help you decide when it’s time to paint.

I think that pallet might be made from an old vinyl record. But it does look quite classy if you ask me. Love it.

60. Not sure if you can listen to tunes on this record player. But it’ll give you the time of day.

Now this is a record player clock. For a long time people used to listen to music with these things. Vinyl records came with your basic LP and a Singles. This is single. It only has 2 songs on each side.

61. Seems like there’s a tie for every occasion and every hour.

Well, that’s one thing to do with all the neckties your dad doesn’t like. Of course, from here, it’s about 5 till 2.

62. Of course, this is the clock you have if you want to spend every second with the ones you love.

Of course, I wonder if these are real photographs or stock photos. Probably the latter. But some of these kids are so adorable. And I can tell some people might wants this.

63. A wall clock like this will certainly look good hanging in any kitchen or dining room.

I guess this clock was made with some cutlery. I’m fairly sure they’re black plastic. But still, I think it looks quite classy.

64. Now this clock tends to tell time by shifting gears.

Well, it tells the hour and the closest 5 minute approximation. But still, may not be something you’d want in your living room. But it does its job.

65. Now who says you can’t tell the time of day from an old tire?

Yes, this is a tire clock as you see here. Not sure if the tire is flat but I don’t think it matters. Because here it’s just used for decoration.

66. Now I’ve never thought I’d see an analog clock with no numbers or hands.

Now the hands on this clock are lasers. Yes, they’re lasers. Not sure if it’s the future. But it looks pretty neat. Never seen that before.

67. As this clock moves, the more the hands expand, contract, or possibly change color.

Now this is a folding clock as you see here. Its two hands are connected by a cloth that’s different on each side. Not sure if I’d want it. But it’s unique so it goes on this post.

68. Whether it’s sunny or cloudy, this clock tells time in all kinds of weather.

While this is a normal clock, it’s also said to have some qualities of a sundial. See how the light casts a shadow on the numbers and hands.

69. Now this one is a digital clock and tells the time with dominoes.

Now according to this clock, it’s 10:29. Nevertheless, it does give you an adequate description in layman’s terms.

70. This clock seems to look as if its face is out of this world.

Basically this is a clock of our solar system. It’s not drawn to scale. But I’m sure this is the kind of clock Neil Degrasse Tyson would want on his wall.

71. This is outdoor can tell the time as well feed the birds.

Yes, this is a birdhouse clock. And yes, it has a pendulum. Not sure if it’s actually used for birds, but I like the simplicity of it all.

72. Of course, if you know the notes, you can guess the numbers on this clock.

Now the numbers on these are determined by how many beats each note gets in basic 4/4 time. So a quarter note = 1. A half note = 2. And a whole note = 4.

73. Of course, a clock with all the bright colors is bound to brighten your day.

Not sure if all these colors on the clock represent the different colors of the rainbow. But they’re definitely colors you’d certainly see in Lisa Frank.

74. You can make a clock face out of anything, even things you might find at the beach.

As you see, the face is made from driftwood or flotsam and jetsam. The numbers are represented by shells. Nevertheless, wouldn’t mind having this.

75. Now this clock is situated on this lovely painted kettle.

Seems to depict a Roman scene as as I see it. Still, from the gold and laquer on this, I think this isn’t used for the kitchen and is more expensive than an actual kettle.

76. Now this is a clock only mathletes would have in their abodes.

I’m sure you can solve many of these problems since the answers are 1-12 as you go along clockwise. But math nerds will adore this.

77. I’m sure this clock hate’s being referred to of the grandfather variety.

Yes, this is a female clock and it’s an antique as well. Don’t ask me where this came from. I just found this on Pinterest.

78. Clock or paint splat? You decide.

Now that really looks like a splat of paint on the wall. However, it’s probably made from black plastic. Still pretty neat though.

79. I don’t know about you but this looks like it’ll go off any second.

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Relax, it’s a clock. Trust me it’s a clock that just looks like a bomb. And no, I don’t think it was designed by some Muslim teenager in Texas. Seriously, I don’t.

80. Of course, sometimes people just want to have their eggs over easy first thing in the morning.

Now this is a skillet clock with an egg on it. And the hands are a knife and fork. This would be perfect for Rob Swanson from Parks and Rec.

The Brightly Lit World of Lamps

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 30, 2015

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Since humans have discovered fire as a lighting source, we have always tried to use some fixture to contain it or replace it. Of course, for a long time, our ancestors had to make due with torches, and candles. But they did have lanterns and lamps as well. It’s just that genies didn’t come out of them. However, as our interior design tastes so have lamps in terms of not just being a lighting fixture but also a decorative object. Today if you look in a store you’d find that there are so many kinds of lamps such table lamps, wall lamps, floor lamps, ceiling lamps, chandeliers, ceiling fan lamps, desk lamps, and so many more. Some are manufactured from factories. Some are DIY projects. Some are bought to match the room. Some are bought as souvenirs and in their own decorative fashion. But as we all know, all lamps are used to light up a closed space. Now this post will feature all kinds of lamps that many might find either ingenious or incredibly tacky. Yet, each is unusual in its own special way. So for your viewing pleasure, here is a treasury from the brightly lit world of lamps.

Now this is called a “fairy flower lamp.”

Now this looks like a lamp you might find in a little girl’s room. Well, any little girl who has a fascination with pixies and fairies. Still, it’s pretty.

2. This lamp operates on a gear switch.

Now this is one of the Steampunk lamps you might want to see in this post. Not sure if it turns on with a gear switch or not. But I might want to try.

3. Finally, the perfect lamp for coffee time.

Guess this is a lighted little tea pot tall and thin. And it seems like the lights on this go top to bottom. Still, I think it’s quite neat.

4. Now this seems like a futuristic lamp you’d find in Victorian London.

Kind of reminds me of some electric dynamo you’d find some mad scientist’s lab in a Jules Verne story. Still. wouldn’t mind having one of these in my room.

5. Of course, I’m sure this lamp design was inspired by the movie Alien.

Still, I wonder how long for this person to make and assemble this thing. Seems like some parts of this look quite delicate even if it’s made from metal.

6. I don’t know about you, but do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?

Now this is the kind of lamp you can use to make your friends uncomfortable. Of course, you need to hide it in a corner like you do with a security camera.

7. For those wanting to do something with your old rotary telephone, perhaps make a lamp out of it.

Seems like this person stuck a couple light bulbs into this phone with some rewiring. Nevertheless, wonder how you hold this thing.

8. I’m sure this lamp is already blowing its own horn.

Yes, it’s a lamp made from an old rusty French Horn. No, I don’t mean an old French guy’s love machine. I mean an actual French Horn like this one.

9. Sometimes you have to give old license plates a brighter chance.

And I guess that this lamp is from New Mexico. Not sure if I like the yellow on this fixture. Then again, it’s their state flag with numbers.

10. Of course, a Cockatoo lamp sure makes your room a tropical delight.

Now to me this is an epitome to tackiness that knows no bounds. Still, you have to admire the effort. And hey, to each his own.

11. Of course, you can’t have too many lanterns dropping from the ceiling.

Now this is listed as a chandelier on Pinterest. But I’m not sure if I’d necessarily call it that. But still, it looks very pretty.

12. These ceiling lamps are hung with a system of pulleys.

Well, they’re only held up by one pulley and wire. Still, I think it’s pretty cool and ingenious. Quite rustic, too.

13. Now this lunchbox and thermos seem to be headed out of this world.

Of course, these light bulbs seem to make it so. However, it’s kind of disappointing that astronauts don’t have a lunchbox and thermos with rocket blasters.

14. Seems like this lamp is atop a stack of tea cups.

Wait a minute, this lamp is a stack of teacups with a teapot on the base. Nevertheless, seems like something you’d find at Wes Anderson’s house or Lewis Carroll’s.

15. Now this lamp seems like a colorful flame dangling from the ceiling.

Man, I wonder how they made this one. Still, I have to admit even if it’s something that I wouldn’t want in my house, it’s still very cool.

16. I call this one a “lawn sprinkler” lamp. Wonder if it’s great for outdoor summer activities.

Now making a lamp out of a lawn sprinkler, how creative. Still, wonder how it would work if you uses for evening barbecues. Sure would like to see this.

17. Have a broken fan? Why don’t you make it into a lamp?

Of course, it might cool you off. But I’m sure it will help light a room. Besides, after making it into a lamp, you’ll only have to do some rewiring and throw out the blades.

18. Now this is a kind of lamp meant for the Space Age.

However, whether “Space Age” means science fiction or the 1950s or 1960s, I haven’t decided. It’s such a lamp that’s out of this world that you can’t even tell.

19. Now this ceiling lamp seems like it’s hanging with bunch of hangers.

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Well, it’s actually made from a bunch of wooden hangers. Guess someone has more than they need in their closet.

20. For a more old fashioned country feel, I’m sure a lamp like this will suit your fancy.

Now this is made from an old milk tin and some braided rope. It looks quite rustic to say the least. Like it belongs in a barn.

21. Seems like this light bulb is hanging from a rope.

Of course, the wire is within the rope as you can see. But sometimes revealing it can ruin the effect. Nevertheless, it’s quite quaint.

22. For those with more tropical tastes, here are some tiki mask lamps to interest you.

I’m sure these masks are painted on. But for some reason, they look kind of cool. And in 3 different colors, too.

23. Looks like Thor got his hammer stuck in a wall again.

Actually this is a wall lamp of Thor’s hammer. And yes, it’s supposed to look like Thor used it on a wall. Still, what Avengers fan wouldn’t want this?

24. Sometimes you might get the feeling that there being watched by giant eyeballs.

Yes, I know an eyeball lamp is creepy. But such lamps do exist as you can see. Also available in green as far as I can tell.

25. Now I’ve heard of ceiling fan lamps and have a few in my home. Not sure what to make of this.

This is a lamp with couple of electric fans. Now regular ceiling fans have blades that turn around the center. Not sure how this works.

26. Of course, you can make a lamp out of almost anything you find at the hardware store.

As for these parts, I’m not sure if I’ve seen them in a hardware store in my life. The silver spiral thing looks more like a snail to me but I wonder if it’s some sort of pipe.

27. Now this lamp is made from an old washboard.

It’s something people used to wash clothes with before they had washing machines. It’s also used as an instrument for some bluegrass bands.

28. And you think this was used to warm the kettle.

Now this looks like some Steampunk gizmo that I’m not sure even existed. Not sure if I’d even want it in the kitchen. Probably not.

29. For you geology buffs, I’m sure you might like this rock lamp hanging from your ceiling.

Of course, this is made of something that would’ve been used as a glass paperweight if it weren’t for the wire and the light bulb. Nevertheless, it looks pretty cool.

30. Now this lamp surely is all in pink and rich trimmings.

Now this looks like the kind of tacky lamp that you’d see at Downton Abbey. Then again, I’m not sure if any of the lamps there would have a base this one does.

31. Pipes may not be attractive, but you can fit wires through them.

Like how it’s on a base of some wood from a tree. Yes, I know it’s not the most attractive lamp, But you have to admire the craftsmanship.

32. Wonder if this lamp was used in a laboratory.

Now this looks like a lamp you’d find in Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory. Might’ve used something like this to create his “monster” (which wasn’t really a monster). Nevertheless, it’s cool.

33. Seems like this lamp was made from a cheese grater and a colander.

Now this look likes it was made from stuff you’d find at a junkyard. But I bet it brings in a lot of light to a room.

34. Of course, a great lamp base can be an old gas can.

Not sure if that base goes with that lampshade. But from how I see it, it probably won’t go well in my living room. The basement may be a different story.

35. Now this is the kind of ceiling lamp that shows you the science of color.

Now this is a diagram about light and its combinations. Red and green make yellow. Blue and green make cyan. And red and blue make magenta. Put all 3 colors together and you get white.

36. Now this lamp seems to be as pretty as a peacock.

Well, it’s a peacock lamp. And no, it’s not a recent design either. It’s probably from the early 20th century at the latest. But yes, it looks like a tacky lamp you’d find at the Dowager Countess’s living room.

37. Let’s hope that this lamp has all the right circuits.

Yes, the light bulbs are supposed to look like resistors in this. Still, probably more suited for a geekier household.

38. Seems like this lamp has a real spine.

Of course, this lamp’s spine is actual vertebrae that ends with the pelvis. Still, it’s a lamp probably best suited for doctors, particularly chiropractors or orthopedists.

39. Of course, you wouldn’t guess that this lamp was made from an old muscle car headlight.

Now this looks like a nice lamp. Could use a little shine and paint on it. But I like it.

40. This lamp switches on and off with the turn of a knob.

Of course, it’s another one of those gear lamps. Then again, I’m not sure if the knob on the side is a switch after all.

41. Don’t know what it is but this lamp reminds me of a hot iron.

Then again, it’s an iron made into a lamp. Still, the bulbs seem to have some resemblance of being on fire.

42. Not sure about you, but someone must think that pin seashells make great lampshades.

Of course, a seashell lampshade isn’t in my taste. To me, it looks like a tacky souvenir from the beach. Yet, since it’s unique, I’ll add it.

43. If your old fire extinguisher doesn’t work, make a lamp out of it.

Sure, it’s not an attractive lamp and might be quite heavy. But you have to admire this designer’s creativity with this.

44. Now this is known as a “Dragonfly Lamp.”

Now this is probably a Victorian lamp. Why they have a dragonfly one, I don’t know. Of course, the Victorians were as capable of tackiness as we are. Well, in some ways.

45. Of course, there’s no table lamp that has more bling like this one.

And I’m sure this lamp is delicate and doesn’t come cheap. Still, I’d really hate to clean and polish that thing. Really would hate it.

46. If you like marine, may I suggests some jellyfish lamps on your ceiling?

Nevertheless, even if they electrocute you if you’re not too careful, they’re much safer than real jellyfish. Let’s just say, jellyfish can be very poisonous and being stung by one will cause you unbearable agony.

47. This is a lamp from the 1950s whose style was inspired by the paintings of Piet Mondrian.

He was a Dutch painter whose artwork consisted of stuff like rectangles and squares in primary colors. Also, for a time in his life, he sported a Hitler style mustache in some photos.

48. If you want to get more with nature, I suppose this chandelier will suit your fancy.

Now this one consists of light bulbs on tree branches. Bound to scratch some heads of some people. And might make some think you’re a weirdo.

49. Now this gives a whole new meaning to the word, “snake light.”

Now this isn’t a new lamp. But for some reason, I can totally see one of these at Lord Voldermort’s place. Maybe because it’s a snake lamp.

50. As for this lamp, I’d be careful handling that lampshade if I were you.

Yes, this is a very spiky lamp as you can see. Also, another lamp that you’d probably don’t want to clean for obvious reasons.

51. Heard of a projector light? Now see a projector lamp.

Yes, this is a projector lamp made with an actual projector. However, the projector seems to be used more or less as a base.

52. Of course, there are some freaky taxidermy lighting out there. This is a badger lamp.

Wonder why in the hell would anyone make a lamp as freaky as this? Also, that’s really terrible taxidermy near the head. Not sure what to think of the badger here.

53. A lamp like this is guaranteed to help you spring into action.

Yes, this is an actual spring lamp. Of course, it doesn’t make you think of baby animals and flowers. But nevertheless, it’s quite a springy lamp. Yet, one that reminds you of mattresses.

54. Of course, this lamp is bound to make an explosive impression.

Now this is a lamp of a nuclear mushroom. Certainly to make anyone nervous just looking at is strikes fear of total annihilation. Seriously, why the hell did anyone thinks it’s a good idea?

55. For many, a lamp like this is guaranteed to blow their minds.

Then again, there could be worse body part lamps than the brain. But still, unless you’re into this sort of thing, it’s kind of disgusting. Hope it doesn’t belong to a certain “Abby Normal.”

56. From what I read on Google Search, these are called “Moonwalk Lamps” reminiscent of Michael Jackson’s dance moves in the 1980s.

I’m not a fan of Michael Jackson and usually don’t listen to his music. However, I think these lamps are very cool.

57. Of course, nothing gives you the feeling of the beach than a large seashell lamp like this.

Then again, this one is exceptionally tacky with the bare breasted mermaid statue at the base. Still, this is a more outrageous example so it’s going in the post.

58. For some reason, you’d swear a lamp like this might have a mind of its own.

Now this lamp is made from wires and pipes with a light on its head. Yet, it’s shaped like a little pipe figure which is pretty adorable.

59. Looks like old Bessie got herself abducted by some extra terrestrials.

Now this lamp of a cow getting kidnapped by aliens is pure genius. I hope that farmer has other cows before he gets to Bessie the next morning. Love it though.

60. Of course, this might the closest we could get to Aladdin’s magic lamp.

Again, this is an old lamp. But it’s sure a fancy one. Still, I think it would be better without the big part coming from the gold part.

61. “Aaah! “Fra-GEE-leh!” It must be Italian!”

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on this without including this famous leg lamp from A Christmas Story. This is the table lamp version. But at least the box looks like it’s from the movie.

62. Sometimes you can make an alien weapon with basically anything.

Yes, it’s a lamp made by some kitchen implements. But put them together, you either have a satellite or an alien laser death ray.

63. For those who like Space Age designs, here’s a rocket ship lamp.

Now I think this one is from the Atomic Age. But yeah, that rocket seems to appear as if it was straight out of a cartoon.

64. Seems like this guy is pretty busy on the ceiling.

I wonder if that’s supposed to be an astronaut doing a spacewalk. Because if you look closer, it sure looks like it.

65. At one angle, this wooden lamp looks as if it’s on fire.

Of course, this is a perfectly safe lamp because it’s just a bulb inside. And the light is traveling inside it to give the illusion of fire.

66. An airship like this certainly lights up a room.

Yes, this is another Steampunk lamp. But this one is an incredible ceiling one of a blimp that gives a blue light. That’s different.

67. Heard of an IV stand in hospitals. There’s a lamp of that.

Now when I hear the term “medical arts” this will appear in my mind. Yes, it’s kind of freaky. But hey, it kind of looks easy to make.

68. Now you can turn this lamp as much as you please.

As you can see, this lamp was made from a bicycle wheel. Nevertheless, I find it quite dazzling, especially with the lights emanating from all directions.

69. Of course, beautiful things come when your lamp is a stained glass violin.

Not sure whether the violin is real. But I do like the artwork depicting birds and roses on this. Quite lovely to say the least.

70. When you look at these lamps, you could’ve sworn they were made of mineral crystals.

Of course, they’re probably made from those stretchy things you find at as store and made to look like crystals. But the effect is awesome just the same.

71. Of course, this lamp dog just had to relieve himself.

Yes, this is a lamp depicting a dog taking a dump. Yes, I think this one might exist though I wouldn’t recommend you buy it. Still, unusual as it is and hilarious, it goes on this post.

72. Those in the mood for colorful candy fun will sure enjoy some gummi bear lamps.

Yes, these a cute gummi bear lamps as you see here. No, they aren’t edible and are probably much bigger than real gummi bears. But yes, they’re cute.

73. Sometimes you’d wonder what it would be like to have a lit noose hanging from your ceiling.

Of course, having a lamp like this might lead your loved ones to call some local psychiatrist or suicidal hotline. Yeah, that’s in very poor taste. Very poor taste, indeed.

74. Fans of Super Mario Bros. will certainly love a pipe lamp like this.

Wonder if this lamp plays the song to Super Mario Bros. Then again, that game’s music was pretty annoying, anyway. But quite catchy.

75. Of course, some lamps don’t always come in great aesthetic taste. Like this poop lamp here.

I think this might be a real thing. And comes in a can. Still, if your real poop glows in the dark, you might want to see a doctor.

76. Now these are called, “Slap It Lamps.”

Yes, these are butt lamps and they come in so many different colors. I know this is tasteless and crude but these kinds of pictures help my blog. Also, they’re funny.

77. Now this Darth Vader lamp seems to find your lack of light disturbing.

Then again, Darth Vader is squarely on the Dark Side for most of the original trilogy. Also, he’s responsible for killing millions of people. So I think this lamp really doesn’t do him justice.

78. Of course, a bread lamp might help you see your dinner better.

Of course, these lamps aren’t edible to say the least. But they sure look great in that bread basket.

79. Sure it’s not in the best of taste. But your hangman lamp would sure make a great conversation piece.

Now this is just crazy to say the least. Not to mention, inappropriate on so many levels since it features somebody getting killed. Still, it does look easy to make to say the least.

80. Now this squid chandelier might go well with your jellyfish lamps quite nicely.

Now they make quite a few of these. However, I wonder if the Detroit Redwings have a chandelier like this in their dining hall. I mean their mascot is a giant purple octopus.

Vintage New Year Cards in the Days of Auld Lang Syne

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 28, 2015

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Despite that New Years is one of the most celebrated holidays in the world with widespread partying and celebrations, I usually skip blogging about it since it’s so close to Christmas which to me is a much bigger holiday. Not to mention, it’s a time that’s technically still in the Christmas season. And while Christmas is more or less of a holiday for everyone, New Years is more of a holiday for adults. I mean it involves drinking, partying, parades, and a stupid Division I college football tradition that makes absolutely no sense. Seriously, can’t Division I college football adopt a playoff system similar to March Madness? Because every other NCAA sport has their playoffs styled the exact same way. Anyway, when I came across some of these vintage greeting cards, I realized that I couldn’t avoid doing a New Years post any longer. Yes, you might expect people in the olden days to have some tact when it came to greeting cards such as the one above. But you would be wrong. Because this assortment is as weird and crazy as many New Years cards get in the days of old. So for your reading pleasure as shall old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mine, take your time to view these cards from the days of auld lang syne.

Now I wonder whether these gnomes want a glass of wine or some sexual exhibition.

Now I have two questions regarding this card. One, is that woman in the glass naked? Two, why are those guys holding axes and what the hell are they doing with them?

2. Seems like these dachshunds all have a taste for champagne.

Seems like one dog is in the champagne while the other ones are licking the drops. Guess the one in the glass is bound to wake up with a doggy hangover the next morning.

3. Now these two bottles seem to be sharing a New Years toast together. Wait what?

Now these two store alcoholic beverages like wine and champagne, right? And they’re drinking these together, right? So how does this make any sense? I don’t get it.

4. Nothing brings in the New Year like sharing a glass of wine with the moon.

And it seems to me that the moon has had way too many. Either that, or he might be in the mood for something else. Still, its crescent face kind creeps me out.

5. An old New Years tradition for children where there’s snow was to make a barrel snowman.

Of course, these two kids seem like they’re building a snowman to carry on a rampage in a nearby town. And yes, this is to their diabolical intentions.

6. Wishing you a happy New Year from some creepy chimney sweeps.

Yes, these are chimney sweeps, not a group of home burglars in their robbing garb. Still, these guys do seem like they can make out with your jewelry and finer stuff. They also look unrealistically clean, healthy, and happy, too.

7. Of course, at some New Year’s Eve parties, it was possible that a romance could blossom.

However, I’m not sure about this case. I mean the guy here kind of seems like he’s waiting for this girl to pass out so he could have his way with her. That’s just a thought.

8. Nothing says “Happy New Year” like a soulless girl in winter about to throw snowballs at you.

Of course, in case of a snowball fight, Tess always made sure she had a stash of razor blades with her. Because she loved to see the other kids scream in unbearable pain from the snowballs she threw.

9. “Welcome to wish you all to a bright New Year.”

Seems like this person’s idea of a bright New Year is seeing a bunch of winged kids flying on bats in the sunrises. Now that’s just messed up.

10. When it comes to greeting the year 1890, best to throw the 1889 boy in a boiling hot cauldron of soup.

Is it just me or does anybody think throwing a kid into a steaming hot cauldron of soup is disturbing? Also are those legs? Almost makes me want to throw up.

11. May your joyous New Year have a pierrot dressed boy drinking a glass of champagne.

Okay, this boy might give me the creeps. And I have to admit, clowns be quite terrifying as well. Still, I’m sure raising a glass of champagne won’t go well today among civilized society.

12. On New Year’s Eve it’s not uncommon for a snowman and pig to drink to the Man in the Moon.

Of course, the snowman and the pig each brought their own bottle. And I’m sure the pig is going to be totally wasted by the next morning. And he’s on his two hind legs. Yeah, that’s crazy.

13. Of course, New Year’s Eve is also a time when the Man in the Moon also has his fill of spirits.

Wait a minute, the moon can get sloshed? Why hasn’t NASA told us about this? Oh, wait, there is no Man in the Moon. Still, it’s pretty messed up if you think about it.

14. Seems like the Man in the Moon has his own entourage of Star People for this New Year’s celebrations.

Now the concept of the Man in the Moon on these cards is creepy enough. But the star people on this card seem like they’re straight out of some crazy sci-fi film with bad special effects. And yes, they might give you nightmares.

15. When the clock strikes midnight, the old year leaves and the new year begins.

I don’t know about you. But it seems Old Father Time seems to have a lustful eye on this young woman in purple with her hands in a muff. Not to be critical. But he seems a bit of a perv.

16. Nothing says a “Joyous New Year” like being chased by gigantic killer bees.

Well, if I saw a bee as big as that, I’d run for the hills, too. Then again, I’d probably shit myself in the process. Still, I have no idea why someone thought this was a good idea for a New Years card.

17. Seems like the pig sty is a happening place on New Year’s Eve.

Yeah, even pigs are getting wasted on New Year’s Eve for some reason. Not sure why. And there are even a couple dancing on their hind toes. Also, the kid is watching the whole thing.

18. You know it’s New Years, when you see a tuxedo guy sharing a bottle of booze with a snowman.

Of course, he should be lucky to be awakened by kids throwing snowballs than a policeman. Still, wonder how he’s going to feel when he’s awake. Not good.

19. “Looking into things far off….a Happy New Year.”

Okay, does anyone have any idea what the hell a beetle looking through a telescope at the sky has to do with New Year’s? Because I have no idea and think this is freaky.

20. This mutant potato in a fedora wishes you a Happy New Year.

I don’t know about you. But for some reason, I find this rather horrifying to say the least. Not sure if it’s the snide face or the rooted arms.

21. “Wishing you a New Year Jan. 1st.”

Is it just me or does that stork look like it wants to eat that naked cherub baby? Because it kind of looks rather sinister than you’d expect of such a bird.

22. Nothing tells you that it’s New Year’s Day than waking up in the morning with a terrible hangover.

Hey, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve woken up at a home of a complete stranger and right next to a woman he doesn’t know. Still, he sure has a face of “What the hell happened last night?” Yeah, seems to remind me of Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.”

23. Nothing rings in the spirit of the new year than some hot bottle on bottle action.

Makes you wonder what the people who designed this card were drinking when they came up with this idea. Of course, you probably know where this goes.

24. On New Year’s Day it’s said that breaking an old man’s back is good luck.

Not sure if this encourages young people to mistreat the elderly. But still, kids, don’t do this to your grandparents. In fact, I’m not sure why the designer thought a kid mowing his sled on top of an old man was a great idea for a greeting card.

25. Of course, when it comes to New Year’s Eve celebrations, getting wasted shouldn’t just be reserved for the adults.

Of course, if they’re parents had anything to do with their access to alcohol, they’re going to be so busted nowadays. Still, seems like these kids all want some wine. Yeah, this card is pretty disturbing.

26. May you enjoy your New Year’s with a sled pulled by pigs and assisted by a mushroom person.

From Buzzfeed: “Even that bird wearing pants and shoes is saying WTF.” Yeah, kind of explains how I feel about this picture. Probably designed under the influence of powerful hallucinogenic drugs.

27. Nothing rings in the New Year like a smoking man in the moon and some champagne bottles.

From Buzzfeed: ” If you’ve ever had an irrational fear that the Moon is watching your every move, then this is the card for you.” Yes, this card is completely terrifying to say the least.

28. Of course, this naked lady brings in the new year by dumping a glass of wine on a gnome’s head.

Then again, these stupid drunk elves deserve to be pranked. Still, wonder how tiny this naked woman is. Surely she’s bigger than them.

29. Hope this guy sobers enough to wake up before the horse devours his hair off.

Yeah, you know this tuxedo guy has partied hard if he passes out drunk only to wake up with a horse munching on his hair. Of course, it might’ve been worse had he woken up at the other end of the horse.

30. Nothing brings in the spirit of the New Year than cute angels feeding champagne to an inebriated Man in the Moon.

Yes, I know the Man in the Moon was a common motif for the era, but this is kind of creepy. Also, he’s probably totally wasted by this point or once he gets through the bottle.

31. New Years is the time of year when the Man in the Moon can also be seen as a gnome’s ATM machine.

From College Humor: “May the New Year bring you riches in the form of a moon puking up gold coins. ” Now that’s just freaky. No, I don’t think the moon works that way.

32. There’s nothing like it on New Year’s Day than seeing a letter delivered to your home by a creepy child soldier.

I don’t know about you. But if I received a letter from that terrifying moppet, I’d certainly call in to have it checked to see if it doesn’t contain a poisonous white powder. Better be safe than sorry.

33. Happy New Year from the beetle with a branch.

I don’t understand why’d they put beetles on their cards. It just doesn’t make sense. What do these wretched bugs stand for?

34. Wishing you a happy New Year with a card depicting a boy serving dinner and a bottle of champagne.

I don’t know about you. But I think this kid might’ve poisoned something on his tray. Doesn’t have a nice look on his face. Don’t ask me why.

35. Ring in the New Year with some frogs going bowling with shrooms.

You can almost imagine this as an amphibious version of The Big Lebowski. Then again, this is freaky enough, especially with that one frog smoking a cigarette and their tacky pants.

36. Wishing a prosperous New Year from the kids carrying the punch and drinks.

Yeah, making the kids in carrying the drinks for the New Year’s Eve party. That is sure to work out (sarcasm). Seriously, no kids should be carrying anything made of glass or alcohol.

37. Looks like the New Year has just arrived.

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And it seems to be a baby in a tweed coat, walking with a cane, carrying some luggage, and smoking a cigar. This is just messed up, man.

38. Seems like someone has been partying too much on New Year’s Eve.

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Let’s hope these two people are married and the wife is the designated driver. Because I don’t think the guy looks anywhere sober in this one.

39. Nothing makes ringing in the New Year like two clowns sharing a toast.

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Now the clown at the top is just terrifying and I wouldn’t take a drink from him if I were the female clown. Because a clown is never funny in the moonlight, as Lon Chaney would say. He had a good point.

40. Of course, don’t let your pigs loose from your sleigh or else it’ll upset your pot of gold.

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Yeah, you don’t want to lose your pigs pulling your sleigh of gold and shamrocks (which I more likely associate with St. Patrick’s Day). Still, I don’t know why they used pigs for New Year’s.

41. Of course, you can’t welcome 1906 without mentioning the mushroom people.

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Now I’ve heard about gnomes and fairies on toadstools. But this is ridiculous. Makes me wonder what the drug scene was in Kaiser Wilhem II’s Germany.

42. And look, one of those mushroom people freaks is serving some warm drinks.

Yes, this is as crazy as it sounds. One of them has a ladybug as a pet and on a leash. Seriously, people have been on acid trips during the 1960 that don’t come as freaky as this.

43. On New Year’s Eve parties, even pooches tend to get hammered.

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Wonder if anyone has a recipe to relieve a canine hangover. Not that it matters. But these pooches seem to have partied hard the previous night.

44. Nothing makes a great New Year’s than seeing a kid with flowers, money, 4 leaf clovers and a glass of wine.

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Now this isn’t a bad New Year’s greeting card. But still, that better be grape juice because that boy is certainly not legal. Also, I think he might want to get a new wallet because he’s dropping money everywhere.

45. Not sure if I want to sled down a hill with a bag of gold coins. But this gnome seems happy.

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Still, this smiling gnome seems terrifying to me for some reason. Yet, I don’t think spilling a sack of gold is very smart.

46. For the homeless bum, staring at the clock till it strikes midnight is all you might need to do.

I know it’s supposed to be funny. But to me, this seems kind of depressing if you think about it. This is especially since they’re waiting until midnight to get drunk.

47. Happy New Year from the naked kid who just made off with the old year guy’s stuff.

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Seems like this baby has made out with a cane, purse, and lantern. And it’s prancing in the snow in the buff. Yeah, it’s ridiculous if you really think about it. But I didn’t design this card. So don’t ask me.

48. Nothing makes your New Year’s bright than a baby giving a toast on a taxidermied cow head.

For one, this seems like this kid’s alcohol addled parents put him there. For what I don’t know. Second, I think that kid will fall off after he drinks that glass of wine.

49. Once again, it seems that the star people are now partying hard on New Year’s Eve with some champagne bottles.

I don’t know about you but I honestly think that these star kids are creepy as hell. Maybe it’s their star heads around their faces. Then again, I’m not sure of that either.

50. Looks like someone spent a little too much time with his drinking buddies on New Year’s Eve.

Wonder what’s going to hurt more for this guy in the morning. Will it be the hangover? Or will it be whatever wounds he sustained by being hit by a broom. You decide.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours, on Christmas Memories (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 22, 2015

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Here is a picture of me and my sister Molly at KDKA during my first Hometown Hi-Q match in my junior year of 2006. My parents later used it for their family Christmas card that year.

Last year, I did a post on Christmas family photos people might find a bit awkward. And since it was quite popular this year and don’t have much else to do right now, I decided to do another. Now some Christmas photos are ones for families to cherish or put on a Christmas card. This picture of my sister and I at KDKA is a good example. And yes, my parents put it in their Christmas card. But for other photos, this isn’t the case. Sometimes a perfect picture is hard to shoot, particularly when little kids are involved because their potential for entropy is quite astronomical. This means that little kids don’t have a great tendency to cooperate in photo ops, particularly if they have to sit in again and again. Then there are photos that just happen to be taken at the wrong place and at the wrong time. I can think of plenty of those when it comes to my family. Still, without further adieu, here is a treasure trove of family photos of Christmas gone awry courtesy of Awkward Family Photos.

Since Star Wars: The Force Awakens is in theaters right now, let’s star with a family photo op from a galaxy, far, far away.

Apparently, Chewbacca doesn’t care for being in family photos that much. Still, I’d be worried about Darth Vader force choking him for ruining it.

2. Of course, we all had to do a Christmas art project in elementary school.

Now that is just so unintentionally inappropriate to put on a Christmas tree. Yeah, “Merry Christmas, Ho” how that got passed the school’s code of decency, I’ll never know.

3. Seems like Grandma has been drinking too much eggnog.

But luckily, she passed out near the Christmas tree. So it could’ve been worse like what happened to the old lady who got run over by Santa’s sleigh that someone wrote a song about.

4. “I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night…”

Now that’s going to traumatize the little kids seeing this picture. Of course, the dog’s face is just priceless. Wonder what it’s thinking.

5. When it comes to ugly Christmas sweaters, sometimes they could border on the funny to unwittingly inappropriate.

What astounds me is how they have a Christmas sweater like this in a child’s size. Then again, I don’t consider bathroom humor as anything inappropriate for young children. I think most kids would get the joke.

6. Sometimes a Christmas photo op can seem more inappropriate than it actually is.

I’m sure the girl’s just wearing a costume. But her being next to a boy with sunglasses just makes it seem like she’s a Russian child bride of some sorts. Yeah, this has some pretty unfortunate implications.

7. “Hey, little boy, allow me to introduce you to my assistant, Charlie.”

Okay, I know that I make fun of Elf on the Shelf on the account of how creepy it is. But this photo makes me feel like I owe Elf on the Shelf an apology. And I don’t blame the little kid getting scared of that nightmare inducing dummy.

8. “Christmas Wishes” from your tackiest neighbors.

Now that has to be one of the tackiest figure skating poses I’ve ever seen. It’s like Edith Bunker skating with a young Roger Ebert. Don’t have time to explain the references to my younger viewers but you get the idea.

9. When it comes to looking for a Christmas tree, perhaps it’s best not to bring the dogs along.

Now that is just an unfortunate thing in a photo op that can’t be helped. Yeah, everyone seems to be paying more attention to the two dogs humping than anything.

10. When it comes to Christmas family photo ops, some can be quite strange.

And it seems everyone is going along with the idea except Norman who can’t help but wonder how being pictured from the outside is. He has a very valid point.

11. Of course, family togetherness brings joy, love, and the squabbles associated with it.

Now this one has a girl posing for the photo but Mom and her little brother are engaged in some kind of argument in the background. Yes, family togetherness at its finest.

12. Christmas is always the time of year when family members get together to bask in joy and good cheer.

Apparently, the merry Christmas spirit was surprisingly absent in this family. Yeah, let everyone know how you really feel this holiday season.

13. Sibling rivalry: Sometimes it starts way earlier than you think.

And to think these two would grow up together to be such great friends. Then baby sister pins her big brother to the floor during a photo shoot.

14. “Wear this Santa suit, they said. It’ll be fine they said. What do you mean, I look like a freaking idiot!”

Now this little baby really didn’t want to do its first Christmas picture. Still, that look is just so priceless.

15. Seems like someone really doesn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap.

It’s even funnier that, this isn’t a very sketchy Santa Claus either. Then again, there are a lot of kids who are scared of Santa so let’s give this boy some slack.

16. When it comes to photo ops, some things may not be what they seem.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. That baby has his hand in a very awkward position. But sometimes you can’t help that.

17. Season’s Greetings from Alaska.

Of course, let’s hope that none of their friends or family have any connection to PETA. And that this family is actually in Alaska. Because it would be silly if they’re not.

18. Apparently, Sally received the bike she wanted from Santa. Unfortunately, it happened to be from IKEA.

Of course, I don’t think IKEA sells bikes or bike parts. But if IKEA did sell bikes, they wouldn’t be great presents for Christmas since there’s some assembly required.

19. If you can’t afford to see a mall Santa, then Liquor Store Santa will do just as well.

Yeah, having Santa near the booze in thick glasses. That’s a great idea (sarcasm). Still, this photo looks pretty sad if you think about it.

20. Apparently, it seems that Santa takes his lunch at Subway.

Of course, I wouldn’t expect Santa Claus to prefer Subway sandwiches, after how the chain’s famous spokesman was revealed to do very naughty things. Still, this is a pretty funny picture and yes, I would try to pose with Santa on his break.

21. Sometimes dealing with crying little kids at the mall is somewhat more bearable, if one of their mothers just happens to be a MILF.

Seems like Santa seems to like young mothers sitting on his lap. Doesn’t seem to pay much attention to the kid. Yeah, don’t show this picture to the Mrs. Claus.

22. To all the men out there, there could be more embarrassing types of underwear than tidy whiteys.

As to why somebody’s dad would wear that type of underwear, I have no idea. Still, he could’ve used a step ladder to avoid the embarrassment. Also, that girl seems like she’s enjoying this.

23. No, Mom and Dad, you can’t French kiss in your family photo. That’s embarrassing to the kids.

Still, despite how the kids think their parents making out is disgusting, at least they can be happy that Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting a divorce. Nevertheless, this photo was probably staged, anyway.

24. You’ve heard of Santa Claus. But have you heard of the Christmas chicken?

Apparently, it probably was a Christmas tradition back in the day. But somehow it never caught on. Then again, this chicken seems to look as if Big Bird has just escaped from a mental ward.

25. When it comes to making Christmas cookies, some dads should stay out of the process altogether.

I don’t know about you. But these Christmas cookies don’t seem fit for family consumption if you ask me. But I’m sure the people at Hooters might think them a godsend.

26. Remember when you’re out in public, a wardrobe malfunction can happen at any time.

Of course, it’s apparent that this mother suffered a little accident and now part of her bra and cleavage are showing. And Santa seems well aware of it.

27. Of course, parents would want their kids to sit with a nice mall Santa. But sometimes shopping malls have to make due with what Santas they got. And some are nicer than others.

Seems like this Santa has spent too much time partying last night that he’s got a really bad hangover. So go easy on him, kids. Because Santa isn’t in his best mood today.

28. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. And look at all the moose we killed.

Yes, Millers, enjoy your moose kill photo op while it lasts. Because Bullwinkle is really not going to be pleased when he finds out about what you’ve done the male members of his family.

29. Apparently, the brothers had decided to form their own hair band.

Now this is such a terrible picture on so many levels. And what the hell is is with that background? That’s just creep shit, man.

30. Christmas has always been a season of great joy.

Unfortunately, the “Joy” sign in this picture is probably the closest thing we’ll come to it her. Yeah, little kids are cute, but sometimes they just don’t like taking pictures.

31. “A taxidermy of Bambi’s mom? You shouldn’t have.”

Is it just me, or does the dog seem like the voice of reason in this picture? Yeah, the presence of the taxidermied deer kind of makes this room a bit creepier. And I know that’s taxidermy because you can see the seam.

32. Nothing makes a great Christmas card worthy photo than having the whole family sitting in a Jacuzzi.

Now it seems that the parents thought it was a good idea at the time. However, Ralph’s smile couldn’t conceal the fact he felt this hot tub photo op was stupid.

33. This year’s Christmas dinner entree is none other than Head o’ Dad.

Now this photo was probably done as a joke as you can see. Still, this dad must have a wonderful sense of humor around the holiday season.

34. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays or so long, suckers.

This is a recent family Christmas picture from a congresswoman from Nevada. It was to support her stance against gun control. Yeah, nothing says “Peace on Earth” this Christmas than having your family armed to the teeth. What a bunch of NRAssholes.

35. When it comes to Christmas, some people tend to pose in their yuletide pajamas.

Now this baby seems like: “Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad. Now I’m going to pretend that I don’t even know you anymore.”

36. Merry Christmas from the family, the pets, and Dad’s new hunting trophy.

Yeah, Dad, just rub it in to your deer hunting friends who didn’t even get one this season. And it seems like some of these dogs want the hog the camera. As for the cats, not so much.

37. Nothing says Christmas like sharing a glass of wine with your family in your hot tub.

Let’s hope what’s ever in those glasses is just grape juice. Because I think the parents could risk arrest for serving alcohol to minors. And I’m sure there’s at least one person in here who’s under 21. The candles make the scene even more disturbing.

38. Seems like Grandma and Grandpa are doing Elf on the Shelf this year.

Now Elf on the Shelf is pretty creepy enough. But seniors thinking it as a good Christmas photo op idea? Now that’s just plain freaky. Still, they probably did it as a joke.

39. Apparently, during the photo op, Santa was a little busy listening to what Billy wanted for Christmas.

“Well, I want a Ninja Turtle, some jet skis, some Hot Wheels racing cars, a new baseball bat, a model airplane, a lightsaber…” You get the idea.

40. When it comes to Christmas pajamas, it helps if they match the furniture.

Seems like Mom and baby just blend right into the upholstery. Still, I think that checkered pattern may be fine for a recliner. Not so much for pajamas.

41. Seems like Aunt Debbie has some of her special Christmas cookies.

Now this picture seems to be the epitome of all Christmas tackiness in the 1980s. Also, the woman looks a bit tipsy and the cookies don’t seem the most appetizing.

42. Of course, sometimes Santa can’t express his contempt for sitting at the mall all day.

Something tells me that this Santa really doesn’t like his gig so much. And he’s not afraid to express in what’s supposed to be a wholesome family photo.

43. While some grandmothers are lauded for their culinary skills, there are some where it’s not the case.

Girl: “Grandma, what a disgusting dish you have.” Grandma: “The better to poison you with, my dear.”

44. Merry Christmas courtesy of Incest! the musical.

I think this photo op is staged as a joke. Still, you have to wonder what kind of responses this family received. And it appears one of the brothers is like, “My girlfriend is totally going to break up with me when she sees this.”

45. Merry Christmas from the Power family.

Now I have nothing against cross dressing or how someone expresses their gender identity. I have nothing against RuPaul either. However, I just don’t think RuPaul’s Drag Race makes a good theme for your family Christmas card. That’s just me.

46. It doesn’t feel like Christmas until you receive your annual spank from Santa.

Of course, this picture is obviously photoshopped. But yeah, it really doesn’t present a wholesome idea when you look more closely.

47. Merry Christmas from Frosty the Snowman and family.

Yeah, I couldn’t avoid a ridiculous family costume photo op in this post. And it seems this family is dressed up as snowmen. Still, I wonder what the kids think of it now.

48. “Uh, how much longer should I remain on the roof for this picture? Anyone?”

Apparently, doing a live nativity scene has it’s own unique set of challenges. Still, having an angel on a barn roof is kind of ridiculous. Let’s hope there’s a ladder somewhere so she could get down.

49. Nothing makes Christmas better than catching Mom and Dad in the hot tub.

I don’t know about you. But I don’t think a Jacuzzi is an ideal place for a family photo op. But that’s my opinion.

50. This holiday season, do your best to spread the love.

Unfortunately, the sight of crying children in a Christmas photo doesn’t really inspire love for me. Then there’s the baby wondering what the hell is going on here.

51. When it comes to bringing your pets for the holidays, make sure they’re spayed or neutered.

Because there’s a strong chance something like this might happen. And yes, everyone in this photo seems to be enjoying themselves over it, too.

52. Sometimes there’s that one member of the family who doesn’t seem to keen to smile.

“Smile? Why do I have to smile for this? No, I won’t smile for the camera. Smiling’s stupid.”

53. “Don’t worry, we’ll find some way to fit Granny on this couch.”

Seems like Granny wasn’t previously consulted about the arrangement. Now she’s screaming for dear life to the glee of everyone else.

54. Of course, when it comes to raising daughters, some dads might take embarrassment to the next level.

Yeah, everyone seems to think Daddy looks a bit funny in a dress that’s way too short for him. Still, if it was my dad, I wouldn’t find it so amusing.

55. Merry Christmas from the Lobster family.

Now these people seem like they can be related to the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Could they possibly be from another planet? I wonder if MIB knows about this.

56. Not surprisingly, everyone hated Mom’s choice of Christmas sweater that year.

Of course, only Peter was able to smile. The rest look like, “I really hope nobody at school sees this when it gets put on a Christmas card.”

57. Nothing brings in the Christmas spirit more than having your sons dress up for their holiday photo in bacon suits.

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Now I can totally understand dressing into candy cane suits. But what the hell does bacon have to do with Christmas? Also, they kind of remind me of the time when Lady Gaga wore her meat dress to the Grammys.

58. When it comes to building a snowman, nobody does the job better than 3 guys in their trunks.

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I suppose these men are members of the Polar Bear Club. Because they probably live in a place where there’s lots of snow (which isn’t my neck of the woods) and they’re not in appropriate winter clothing. Still, the shirtlessness could’ve been worse.

59. This Christmas, the Hendersons decided to pose for their Christmas photo in their red shirts. Only Elliot wasn’t pleased.

“If this was Star Trek, then I’m sure all of us would be murdered if Kirk decided to take us to beam us down to the planet. Still, if you want me to smile, then I’m not going along with it. It’s lame.”

60. Merry Christmas from Norman and Helen Finklestein.

Ever since Helen married Norman, her family couldn’t help but wonder whether he was a perfectly nice guy with no fashion sense or something more sinister behind a harmless facade. It was hard to say.

61. Looks like baby got a little distracted.

Apparently, he was so excited by the fountain that he had absolutely no idea that he was supposed to pose for a photo op. Yeah, seems baby is a little occupied by watching water spout from the pond.

62. Merry Christmas from the family, dogs, and falcons.

Seems that the boy in this picture thinks was expecting things to go worse than they did in this photo shoot. Of course, for him, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

63. The family that decorates the tree together stays together.

Not sure about climbing the tree to put the star on top. And it seems that Scruffy is loaning his support. Still, it’s totally photoshopped.

64. When your dog has had an operation, sometimes it’s nice for the owners to show solidarity.

Of course, I’m not sure if wearing a cone on your heads is one of them. Still, the dog seems like, “I know you want to show support for me. But please, can’t you just not try anything embarrassing? This is going too far.”

65. Seems like little Cindy made her first Christmas course – a baked puppy.

Yes, I know this is staged. But still, a puppy out of the oven is kind of disturbing. Even more so that it’s being pulled out by a happy little girl in a Santa hat. Yeah, that’s messed up.

66. Now this seems like Santa has this family’s situation all under wraps.

Or in this case, literally under Christmas wrapping paper. Yes, it appears that Santa has now taken Kelly Clarkson and her family hostage.

67. Nothing says Christmas like posing for a photo as 3 little pigs.

Now is it just me who has no idea what the hell pigs have to do with Christmas? And it doesn’t help that these piggies are in bows and tutus for God’s sake. Yeah, this is kind of strange.

68. Sometimes even Santa can have the stress get to him on certain days.

“How many of these screaming kids do I have to put up today? Can’t my shift just be over already? I’m already getting tired with it all.”

69. Merry Christmas from the Pinelli family.

Now this is the kind of Christmas photo I’d expect from some mad scientist who married his lovely assistant and had kids. Still, he continues to attract a rather creepy vibe as you can see.

70. Merry Christmas from Dwight Schrute and his cats.

Sure he may not look quite like Rainn Wilson’s character from The Office. And I know Dwight doesn’t like cats. But looking at this, he just reminds me of the guy for some reason.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 21, 2015

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Two years ago, I did a post on vintage Christmas cards that proved to be wildly popular in 2014. And because of that popularity, I decided to do another one, even if it’s so close to Christmas. Now there are plenty of vintage Christmas cards that might make you yearn for the good old days. For instance, this card of a nativity scene would certainly melt your heart with its artistic value despite that almost everyone in it but Balthasar looks way too white. And Jesus looks too old for a 12 day old newborn. Then again, this wasn’t aiming for realism and in Matthew it’s said that Jesus might’ve been a toddler when the magi arrived anyway. Nevertheless, with the exception of Balthasar, if the nativity story was more accurate, everyone should look like they wouldn’t be able to board their plane on time in an American airport. Still, when it comes to sending vintage Christmas cards, you can do worse than sending one with religious connotations. Because there are some cards out there that make you glad you live in the 21st century. And that’s what I’m going to show to you today. So without further adieu, here are some more vintage Christmas cards your grandparents never told you about.

Most of the year, the Big Bad Wolf wants to harass little pigs with intent to eat them. But on Christmas, they’re having a good old time together.

I don’t know about you. But these pigs should know that this is a wolf in Santa clothing. He wants to eat them. But do they really have a clue? I don’t know.

2. “A Happy Christmas and let me scare you while I’m walking my new teddy bear.”

Oh, please God, please let it be just a toy. But from the look on that girl’s face, it seems that bear might be real and it might maul those other two kids. And she’s taking delight in the possibility.

3. “Santa’s sleeping, quick, let’s take some toys before he wakes up.”

Really, kids? Stealing toys from Santa? Then again, the look on their faces might imply that they intend to do worse things. to St. Nick. The big guy better get up and run for it.

4. Hope sausaging this card will give you a merry Christmas.

Okay, what does “sausage a card” mean exactly? Then again, I’m not sure I want to know. Really, it might mean something dirty.

5. Merry Christmas, now watch Santa give this kid a good spanking.

Man, you think Santa’s a jolly old grandpa. But this one he seems like a child’s worst nightmare. Yeah, Santa’s not real nice when it comes to doling out corporal punishment on minors.

6. Merry Christmas from the Snowman family.

Now here’s Papa snowman about to carve a turkey. Now making one requires putting it in the oven at a high temperature. Which begs the question, how was this possible for Mama snowman to pull that off? Also, what’s with the snow cat and the snow bird?

7. Snowman wishes you to a warm and bright Christmas.

Because since he’s now surrounded by candle’s he’s basically trapped. One step out and he’s a puddle for sure.

8. Seems like this guy has messed with the wrong Christmas dinner. Of course, when they say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” they mean it in irony.

Now this is just so fucked up. This guy’s basically living a nightmare. I mean the turkeys, gingerbread man, and ham have basically kidnapped him, put him on a spit, and are now going to cook him rotisserie style.

9. Merry Christmas, courtesy of WWII Nazi Germany.

Yes, that’s a German soldier in the background and it seems like it’s from WWII. But those kids singing carols seem so menacing to me for some reason. Wonder if they’re dreaming of a white Christmas, but with them as the master race

10. Of course, no Christmas card post would be complete without examining the Christmas Eve dreams of a young child named Edgar Allan Poe.

For some reason, it appears this kid is having a nightmare on how the toys might be ganging up on him. That Jack-in-the-Box with the flaming hair is especially terrifying to me. And he seems to be rising from a grave.

11. “May your balls be kept out of the rough! Merry Christmas!”

This would make a great one for Tiger Woods since he’s a professional golfer. But I’d change the saying to, “May your balls be kept in your pants!”

12. “Christmas joys be thine.”

Now this is quite freaky. Seems like this pig is walking upright with human hands and is wearing clothes. She’s also using binoculars and carrying a book. Wonder how, oh, I don’t want to know.

13. Merry Christmas, now watch Old St. Nick strike a kid tied to a tree.

Is it just me, or did our ancestors view Santa as a much darker figure than we do today? I mean he’s about to beat a kid who’s tied to a tree. How can you get more messed up than that?

14. “Tis Christmas, dear,/I hope you’ll see,/The joys of Kewpies/On your tree.”

Seriously, those Kewpie dolls are absolutely creepy. I wouldn’t want one anywhere near my house, let alone on a Christmas tree. Also, that girl’s like, “I’ll hug em’ and squeeze em’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” Gah.

15. Have a festive Christmas as you watch the pinecone guys dance with a sugarplum, candle, and heart cookie.

On second thought, that dance looks like a creepy cult ritual than anything. Doesn’t help that the pine cones have creepy looking faces with gray hair and bears. And the sugar plum looks demonically possessed. This looks like something from nightmares.

16. Merry Christmas greetings from the partying dogs and monkeys.

I don’t know what that monkey is doing with that dog near the chandelier. But it doesn’t look good. That one monkey and dog on the couch seem to have a lively conversation, on the other hand.

17. So I guess these are Scottish dogs, I reckon.

Upright dogs playing bagpipes in plaid. Now I haven’t seen that before. Makes me wonder whether this designer was on too much whiskey or hashish.

18. A Merry Christmas from the kids and the dogs.

Now the siblings in this look rather terrifying to say the least. But my attention is with the dog leading the other dog on the leash. Seriously, what does that mean? And how does that happen? Because that looks so fucked up.

19. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a dapper rich kid whipping hopeless victim to the wall.

Yes, this is a Victorian card and that boy in the coat is obviously an entitled brat. But that’s not going to help the poor boy’s case, especially when it comes to an umbrella.

20. Merry Christmas, courtesy of good old St. Nicholas, from your nightmares.

For the love of God, I have no idea what’s up with the Germans. It seems to them, that Santa Claus is a shadowing figure bringing toys for the good children while murdering the bad ones in their sleep.

21. Aw, looks like this polar bear and walrus are great friends.

On second thought, that polar bear is looking at the young walrus like it’s a nice chunk of meat for Christmas dinner. The walrus better get out and dodge before the polar bear plans to pounce on him.

22. “May yours be a joyful Christmas.”

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same about this dead bird. Now I wonder why anyone would think it’s a good idea to stick a dead bird on a Christmas card. Is it meant to be ironic to Victorians with a sick sense of humor? Because it totally kills the joyful mood.

23. Let’s see if these Soviet satellites can compete with Santa and his magical space horses.

As you can guess, this is a Soviet Era Christmas card during the Space Race. Because American Santa would be racing with a sleigh of reindeer. But this is just a crazy card nonetheless.

24. Be nice to Santa this year, kids, because he seems to be in a grumpy mood.

Because this year, Santa’s sleigh team went on strike and wrecked his sleigh. So now he’s stuck with this. So be extra good for Christmas this year, kids. Because Santa’s really grumpy.

25. Nothing says “Merry Christmas Greetings” like two gambling pigs playing farkle.

Wonder what these pigs are betting on. Are they gambling to determine which one goes in the oven? Or are they just playing for kicks? Hard to say.

26. “Okay, you ungrateful brat, here you go in my sack.”

Despite the card saying, “Loving Christmas wishes,” it seems that Santa Claus has resorted to child abduction. No word on what the boy’s parents have to say about his sudden Christmas Eve disappearance.

27. Of course, when the toys come alive and surround your bed on Christmas, it can be an unsettling experience, indeed.

Yeah, if I were that kid, I’d be scared shitless, too. Not sure if I’d cling to my bed at the sight of them. Then again, this child will probably not get up the next morning with clean underwear.

28. Nothing says Christmas like a frog dancing with a beetle on the beach.

Now this is freaky on so many levels. Even freakier is the fly playing the tambourine. Now frogs eat insects, right? I think so. Still, this card had to be made on drugs, which is the only sensible explanation.

29. Hey look, there’s Santa with his sack of toys. Wait a minute, those are children!

Yes, those kids look terrifying. But this card implies that Santa is kidnapping children for God’s sake! Seriously, that’s pretty insane if you think about it. And terrifying to say the least.

30. Merry Christmas, courtesy of the Abominable Snowman and Sasquatch.

Seems like Bigfoot and the yeti are in a fight to the death this winter. And it seems the squatch is digging his claws into the Abominable Snowman. But who will win remains to be seen.

31. “Wishing you a Merry Christmas and we are hoping to see your face again soon.”

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Uh, guys, I hate to break it to you. But I don’t think Dave is coming back after falling in the frozen lake like that. Well, unless someone pulls his feet and tries to save his ass. Which is what none of you are doing.

32. “Freeze, Santa, your toys or your life!”

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Something tells me that these children have been very bad this year and don’t like how Santa didn’t visit their homes. So they came in retaliation to steal his sack of toys.

33. This Christmas, it’s time to get kinky with the Krampus.

Now this looks pretty messed up to say the least. Is he trying to punish this woman? Or is that just the way he likes to make love? Also, what’s with the golden handcuffs?

34. Now here is the Krampus morbidly showing off a child he drowned.

Now that’s just scary beyond all reason. Yeah, I wonder what the Krampus did to that kid. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

35. Sometimes Krampus and St. Nicholas like to carpool on the town to pick up chicks.

Okay, so that’s what they mean. For some reason, the ladies don’t seem to mind so much. But from St. Nick’s face, he doesn’t seem to have good feeling about this.

36. “Sweet Adelaide, would you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Krampus?”

Adelaide, no, don’t do it. Please for the love of God, don’t do it. Sure he may be a lonely Krampus, but it’s not like Beauty and the Beast. I swear it’s not.

37. Of course, when it comes to Krampus kidnapping the parents, the kids don’t seem to mind.

Yes, kids, it might be fun and games to frolic around the Krampus. But it’s over when he goes after and kidnaps you. Seriously, it’s not fun at all.

38. A happy Christmas to you from the kindly robin.

Uh, do these birds look like berry eaters to you, kindly robin? Because the beaks sure don’t look like it. Still, this is kind of freaky if you think about it.

39. Apparently there wasn’t enough rat to go around at the cat house.

Seems like Paw Paws got to the mouse first. But the other cats aren’t happy with it. Yeah, this dinner is really not going to end well. I’d be most scared of the one in the dress.

40. Nothing says Christmas like a clown coming up to a cop with a red hot poker.

Yeah, this clown is incredibly terrifying enough to murder you in your sleep. Still, he should know better than to mess with a cop, even if it’s a British bobby. This won’t end well for the clown.

41. Seems like these beetles are playing cricket.

Now this is just weird. Would’ve made more sense if it was the Beatles playing cricket. Still, how in the hell does this have to do with Christmas? And why does it exist?

42. Seems like the Pine Cone guy wants to wish this little girl in pink a Merry Christmas.

From Life in the Land of the Ice and Snow: “Don’t shake his hand, Little Girl! Don’t do it! There’s something off about this guy. I saw him on the subway last week. Stay away!” Yeah, why the hell would think this image was a good idea. Seems like the guy is about to whisk the kid away in his windowless carriage.

43. Yes, Santa will surely see you when you’re sleeping.

Now seeing Santa watching a girl sleep is pretty creepy. Still, whatever his thoughts are, they can’t be good. Not sure about hanging dolls on the tree either.

44. Of course, kids, if you want to see Santa looking out the window is your last chance.

I don’t know about you but Santa seems to have a sinister look in his face. And I think it’s freaking out one of the kids if you ask me. Yeah, they might want to stay away from the window.

45. Seems like Susie got just the doll she wanted.

From loaded hips: “I don’t think there’s enough going on here. I think we better add a floating pretzel and donut. That’ll really drive it on home.” Still, the Santa watching the girl doesn’t seem right as far as I’m concerned.

46. Looks like Santa Claus has been drinking too much egg nog.

Uh, Santa, I think you’ve had enough to drink. Seriously, you need to stop. This is how you ram your sleigh into little old ladies. Just so you know.

47. Nothing says Christmas than a scantily clad woman flirting with Frosty the Snowman.

Of course, Frosty is trying to get the nerve to tell her that this relationship isn’t meant to last. Because come spring time, he’s destined to be nothing but a puddle of water with his attributes.

48. Seems like a toy soldier has gotten into a fight with a pine cone guy.

Yeah, nothing says Christmas like fighting over a candy or possible explosive. Of course, both seem to be quite terrifying and nightmare inducing if you ask me. But that’s beside the point.

49. Beetle wishes gnome a merry Christmas.

Actually it kind of looks like the beetle wants to eat the gnome for Christmas dinner. Yeah, he’s not going to last long it seems.

50. Nothing says Christmas like a bunch of birds lining up with torches in their wings.

They card says, “May All Jollity Lighten Your Christmas Hours.” However, that doesn’t explain why all these birds look so militant. As if they were about to group into a mob to kill a neighborhood cat. Oh, that explains it.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 19, 2015

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Me with my mom, dad, and sister Molly at KDKA in 2007 for my Hometown HiQ appearance. It was my senior year in high school when my team ended up in the semi-finals and won $2,000 for our high school. This image might’ve appeared on my family Christmas card that year.

Of course, we all receive bad Christmas gifts at least once in our lives. I myself have received some body lotion in my teenage years that I haven’t had any use for. However, when it comes to giving presents, it tends to be very hard to find the perfect gift that you can afford. This is especially true when it comes to giving something to my sister who tends to the finer things in life and I’ll leave it at that. Then you have my dad who can be rather hard to buy for some years since he’s a guy. Luckily, I’m fortunate enough to have a gift list that only includes 5 people. Nevertheless, while finding a gift for someone can be rather nerve-wracking, determining what doesn’t make a great gift is fairly easy. And let’s just say, most of the gifts I’m about to feature in this article are clearly gifts that the people on your list really don’t want for Christmas. Nor would you want to receive any of these yourself. Now there are some gifts people don’t want like scales, neckties, outdated gadgets, bad movies, fruitcake, or what not. But listing those ideas would be boring and won’t glue you on this post for long. So instead, I list some of the more outrageous gift ideas of things you didn’t know you didn’t want. You know stuff that’s so terrible, offensive, insulting, unnecessary, or inappropriate that it’s unintentionally hilarious. That is when it comes to someone else this Christmas, anyway. So without further adieu, here are some gifts I strongly suggest you avoid giving your loved one for Christmas. Also, some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

Kitty Carpet Reusable Downstairs Toupee

And I thought head toupees for bald men were stupid enough. Now they have one for pubes. As if shaving your pubes isn’t a stupid idea already. A pube toupee is even dumber than that.

2. Accu‑Measure Fitness 3000 Personal Body Fat Tester

From Refinery29: ” Seriously? Fancy perfumes, designer handbags, luxurious chocolates — there are so many delightful presents in the holiday-gifting palette. So, why would anyone choose the one that says, ‘Watch that holiday weight gain, cakey’?” Yeah, they have a point.

3. Willy Warmer

Because what the man in your life really needs this winter is a snug for his junk. After all, he doesn’t want his genitals to freeze. Then again, why would a guy need this if underwear and pants do the trick just as well?

4. Cyber Clean Putty

Think about it as silly putty but it’s meant for cleaning your cell phone, computer, and other electronics. Yeah, loads of fun with that (sarcasm).

5. Hobo Tool

Handy for the times when you’re a homeless bum who’s always on the move and on a budget. Beats having to use rusty tools you found in junkyard for cutlery doesn’t it?

6. Achoo! Pepper Mill

Now you enjoy freshly ground pepper on your food coming straight from a giant, plastic disembodied nose. Sounds kind of disgusting, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is.

7. Extreme Chores: Motioned Controlled Video Game

Now you can enjoy all the fun of racing against the clock doing yard work, doing dishes, raking leaves, and cleaning the litter box. Makes doing household tasks fun for the whole family. Available on Ninentdo Wii.

8. 23andMe DNA Testing Kit

From Refinery29: “Despite all the chair-throwing and sexy moms, we’ve always felt our family holidays didn’t resemble an Maury episode enough. Enter, 23andMe’s DNA home-testing kit. Enjoy that holiday family-togetherness vibe while you still can, because with this gift, you might be just one saliva sample away from ‘You are NOT the father.'” Seriously, do you really want being home for the holidays to be like Maury? I don’t.

9. Spaghetti Fork with Rotating Head

Finally, a fork designed for specifically eating spaghetti. Just turn it on and see your fork twirl the noodles around it. Funny, I’ve been eating spaghetti for years and turned my regular fork to get the same result.

10. Bestow Wall Mounted Vase

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Ah, nothing like a disembodied hand carrying a fresh bouquet of flowers from a wall. Reminds me of something you’d see in a horror movie.

11. Poopy Time Fun Shapes

Finally, a toy that makes toilet time so much fun. Now they can stick these up their asses and make adorable shapes as they do a No. 2. Has received 2 thumbs up from the late Billy Mays himself.

12. Toilet Teapot

The kind of pot for when you have tea time but are sitting on the porcelain in the smallest room in the house. Has lovely floral decorations.

13. Onion-Chopping Goggles

From Refinery29: “In holiday gifts, versatility is key. These handy kitchen goggles in lady-friendly pink are just the thing for when you get thrown in a gulag on onion-chopping detail again — or when outfitting your rap crew for a Mariah Carey remix video.”

14. Flashing Wine Glass

For the times when you throw a house party at night but can’t decide whether to theme it as a disco or a rave. Yeah, these are quite tacky to say the least.

15. GAMAGO Spray Can Projection Clock

The kind of clock you use when you need to know what time it is in the dumbest way possible. Seriously, who’s ever heard of getting the time from an aerosol can?

16. Coffin Couch

For those who think, “I wish my living room looked just like walking into a funeral parlor.” Still, I doubt that most funeral homes have a couch made from one of their fancy boxes for dead people.

17. Enlighted Bra

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Finally, a lingerie item that provides bust support, lets you see in the dark, and helps you get noticed like a stripper at a rave. Yeah, not sure if I want any light up lingerie. That’s just too much.

18. Poo-Pourri

It’s the kind of spray you use before you go to the bathroom so you don’t leave a stink. Comes in a variety of scents like Call of the Wild, Deja Poo, No. 2, Poo La La, Royal Flush, Trap-a-Crap, and Secret Santa.

19. Underwear Safe

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They’re the kind of tidy whitey underwear where Walter White might keep his meth money while traveling. Yeah, I’m sure nobody would want to touch those Benjamins after where they’ve been.

20. Home Stripper Pole

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Finally, a way to exercise that makes your kids think you’re “training to be a firefighter.” And a workout routine that might help you earn a living dancing on tables.

21. Life Gem Memorial Diamond Ring

Because nothing says, “I love you” than giving your girlfriend a ring with a diamond made from the ashes of your dead grandma. If my boyfriend asks me to marry him, he should just stick to a normal-sized diamond. A LifeGem one is just too disturbing.

22. Cell Mate Cell Phone Earpiece Holder

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Now you can make phone calls on your cell in a way that leaves your hands free on the wheel. Too bad getting a bluetooth would’ve saved you a lot of embarrassment.

23. iPanties

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Now these slip crotch panties have a feature that allows you to slide to unlock. Sorry, fellas, I was just kidding. Still, wouldn’t want to receive these from my boyfriend for Christmas.

24. iCarta iPod Toilet Paper Holder

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Now you can listen to your iPod music as go on the pot and in speaker mode. Then again, it might be cheaper just to listen to your music while you’re wearing headphones on the throne.

25. Steak Brander

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Because a grillmeister always has to give his meat his own personal signature. Seriously, is branding your steak really necessary? Seriously, why?

26. Mobile Back Massage

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Not sure if it’s effective against back pain. But I think it will be great for a Ninja Turtles Halloween costume. Seriously, it looks too much like a turtle shell to take seriously.

27. Goatee Saver

From The Telegraph: “A very good idea disguised as something that looks very stupid.” Guy has to bite into a plastic template in order not to mess up his goatee. I’ll let you figure out how stupid it is for yourself.

28. Beer Scented Candle

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Because nothing makes your home smelling fresh like a candle giving off a fragrance that makes it smell like a bar. Yeah, pretty much the same reason why I thought a Haymitch scented candle was utterly ridiculous.

29. Sing Along Tongs Silicon Tipped Cooking Tongs

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Now you can sing along while cooking in the kitchen while annoying the shit out of the whole family. Yeah, nothing more fun than tossing your salad while getting on your family’s nerves.

30. Retro Phone

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When you want to have wireless communication while wanting to hold your phone the old fashioned way. Some might call this being ironic. I call it idiotic.

31. Smoking Mittens

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The kind of mittens that allow people to light up outside in the cold while keeping their hands nice and warm. Of course, you could save money and years of your by just quitting smoking. Also, might encourage clothing fires or kill you.

32. Candy Kitten Crap

Sure these candies might taste pretty good. However, by the shape of them, you wouldn’t know it. Still, a pretty gross concept if you think about it.

33. Hairy Leggings

Great for wearing when you really want to get out of a second date with the guy who was mean to the waiter on the first one. Am I right, ladies? Probably better if you just don’t shave.

34. Dead Fred Pen Holder

The kind of pen holder that makes your co-workers think that a. you moonlight as a serial killer, b. you have a sick sense of humor, or c. both a and b. Yeah, doesn’t look appropriate for a desk.

35. Coal Candy

Yes, enjoy the great taste of being bad for Christmas. Also, tastes like suffocating air pollution responsible for deadly smog attacks, carbon emissions causing climate change, and harmful acid rain. Enjoy.

36. Toothpaste Tube Wringer

Now your friend can use all the toothpaste in the tube before he or she has to buy more. Basically a way to tell them how much of a cheapskate they are.

37. Shove It Pen Holder Set

Yes, nothing says professionalism at the office than having your pen stuck up inside a rear end with a chain. Might be a subtle way of a co-worker saying what asshole you are.

38. Ab Enhancer

For the guy who wants a beach bod but has a work ethic akin to George Costanza. And they don’t mind wearing a grill for several minutes a day either.

39. Toilet Bank

Helps teach kids the value of saving money while putting their weekly allowance down the toilet. But only because this bank is shaped like a commode.

40. Bacon Lube

The kind of personal massage oil and lubricant for a man who likes to smell like a crispy pig in the sack or breakfast. Honestly, does anyone in their right mind would be sexually aroused by the smell of bacon? Seriously, why?

41. Fish Deboning Playset

Hey, kids, learn how to gut and debone a fish. It’s fun. Yeah, just the kind of toy to freak out their parents.

42. Chalk Outline Guy Blanket Throw

Now this blanket is guaranteed to make anywhere in your living room look like a crime scene investigation. Well, a televised crime scene investigation anyway. They don’t do chalk outline guy in real life.

43. Big Ox Oxygen

For the low price of $5, you can give your loved one a bottle of air to breathe in. Then again, $5 is a high price to pay for something you already get every day for free.

44. Family Blankeez

Because nothing makes family togetherness more worthwhile than sitting on the couch sharing a whole snuggie. Holds up to 8 people. Seriously, this is just plain weird to me.

45. Campfire Cologne

Because anyone should be able to smell like you’ve spent a night with smoke blowing in your face. Not to be confused with Burning Building Cologne.

46. Moose Poop Necklace

Because nothing says romance than receiving a moose turd on a gold chain from your boyfriend. Seriously, this has to be one of the shittiest jewelry present ever.

47. Lipstick Hip Flask

From Refinery29: “Prediction: The woman who thinks a lipstick-shaped flask is cute is also waiting eagerly for Sophie Kinsella’s next novel.” By the way, Sophie Kinsella is a chick lit author best known for her Shopaholic series.

48. Gold Rush Dirt of the Month Club

Nothing makes a great gift than having different kinds of dirt sent to you on a monthly basis. I’m sure some of the dirt they send you can easily dig up for free. This is stupid.

49. Eyeglass Lights

Helps you see in the dark at night while losing all your sense of dignity. And it makes this guy look like he’s had one restraining order too many.

50. Dashboard Eyeball Wiggler

Now this looks like a great dashboard decoration. For Halloween. Other times a year it might make people think you’re a sicko. And that fez might offend some Shriners.

51. Betty Beauty Hair Dye for Pubic Area

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Okay, why would anyone think of dying their pubes? Nobody’s going to see them other than people in the locker rooms or your significant other. I don’t understand it.

52. Gangster Cheese Grater

If the gift receiver’s Italian, he or she is bound to either really like it or think it expresses a very offensive Italian mafia stereotype. Maybe both. So I wouldn’t risk it.

53. Giant Microbe Plushies

Ah, yes, kids, cuddle up with an adorable microscopic plushie representing something that might kill you or make you sick. Range from fatal diseases, STDs, parasites, body cells, and others.

54. Heaven Travel Kit

Now you can reserve a spot in Heaven and eternal life with this travel kit. Contains letters, forms, ticket, certificate, and travel guide. Sorry, but I don’t think getting isn’t like reserving a spot on a plane. This is probably a joke.

55. Bluetooth Unisex Gloves

Because talking to your friends looks way less crazy this way. Then again, it’s sure to make people think that you might need psychiatric help.

56. Life Countdown Watch

This Christmas, give the gift of impending mortality (that also comes fitted with a comfy wrist strap). Costs $79.99. For some reason, I think this is either a joke or a shameless ripoff.

57. Beard Bells

From Refinery29: “On the bright side, you can hear any fool who chooses to wear these coming from a mile away.” I’m sure these will be annoying as hell and hard to get off once the fun is over.

58. Desktop Drum Set

From Refinery29: “For when you’re just one spot away from earning the title of ‘World’s Worst Coworker.'” I have a friend who was a drummer in high school. He may enjoy this but that doesn’t mean I’d recommend anyone give it to him.

59. 360 Degree Mirror

From Refinery29: “Handy for developing insecurities about the one spot on the back of your head you never noticed before!” Totally don’t need this in my life. Got enough insecurities to worry about already like social skills.

60. Individualized Beverage Warmer

From Refinery29: “A passive-aggressive way to tell someone that you think it takes them way too fucking long to drink their coffee.” I’ll say.

61. The Fizzics Beer System

From Refinery29: “Ever wished your $2 beer tasted like a $3 beer? Here is a thing that costs $170 that will make your dreams a reality!” Then again, you could just save more money with buying $3 beer. It’s cheaper than that.

62. USB Typewriter Keyboard

Think of it as a typewriter for the digital age that you can use with your iPad. But you can also do spell and grammar checks with it as well. Kind of like what you do with a computer.

63. Hoverboard with Bluetooth Speaker System

From Refinery29: “This hoverboard comes with a speaker system so you can announce to the entire world that the village douchebag has arrived.” Costs $674.99 or a massive waste of money.

64. Wireless Eye Massage

From Refinery29: “Not sure about you, but there’s nothing soothing sounding about an ‘eye massage.'” Costs $149.99 so not worth it.

65. Gift of Nothing

Yes, nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the person who has everything than a ball of nothing costing $9.99. Could’ve been cheaper if you made it yourself. Or just come with nothing.

66. Stress Buster Desktop Punching Ball

From Refinery29: “You managed to fool HR’s personality test — don’t blow it now by violently punching a mini hot-air balloon every time your boss walks by.” Yeah, probably not the best way to deal with stress at work.

67. Grandma’s Last Christmas Tree Scented Candle

Perfect for anyone who wants their living room to smell of apples, cinnamon, and creeping mortality. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

68. Hand Fitness Trainer

It’s like a fitness trainer for your hand. Not sure how this works. And I’m not sure if I want to know.

69. Menu Wine Tote

It’s like if a tote bag and a box of wine got together and had a baby. But this is more classier than boxed wine. Not sure if that might lead people to think you have a drinking problem.

70. Rox The Eternal Ice Cube

Refinery29: “Sure, they water down your whiskey, but what ice cubes don’t do is chip your teeth when you’re knocking back a stiff one.” These look more like, well, rocks so to speak.

71. Teddy Bear Lamp

Yes, parents, nothing lights up a child’s room while traumatizing them at the same time than a lamp of a decapitated teddy bear. Sure to send any small child for a lifetime of psychotherapy. That or have nightmares.

72. Tampon Flash Drive

I don’t know about you. But when a woman is on her time of the month the last thing she needs is to not be able to tell the difference between her tampons and her flash drives. Don’t want to make a mistake flushing these down the toilet.

73. BluePrint Excavation Cleanse

From Refinery29: “When you truly, deeply care about your loved one’s toxic colon, give them BluePrint’s signature Excavation Cleanse. Excavation’s refreshing green juices and agave-sweetened lemonades promise an internal deep-cleaning that ‘takes you much deeper, so you can finally unearth those crayons you ate when you were three.’ Wait a minute — juice and crayons? It’s DOUBLE PRESENTS, people!”

74. Anti Sag V-Line Chin Sauna Mask

Now this might be an anti-wrinkle beauty treatment mask. But to me it’s a mask perfect for anyone who plans to dress up as a sexy Hannibal Lecter for Halloween.

75. Grayson Perry Scrotal Sack Handbag

From Refinery29: “We’re really, really sorry about this one, people. NOPE, it’s not a Fendi, Hermès, or Mulberry. This is a Grayson Perry original, made by the British artist as a one-off gift for a friend (presumably not a frenemy). Thus, we’d like to nominate this jingle-bell-festooned “sac” as history’s worst gift. Worse than the Trojan Horse and small-pox blankets combined. Thankfully, Perry has no intentions of ever producing another, despite a flood of requests. And, that, dear readers, is our gift to you.”

76. Fifty Shades of Grey Charm Bracelet

Let me give you a word of advice for my male viewers trying to think of what to give to their female significant other: Just because she might want a Fifty Shades of Grey charm bracelet, doesn’t mean you should get one for her. Keep that in mind and give her a Hunger Games bracelet instead.

77. Touchscreen Leather Gloves

From Refinery29: “Perfect for the on-the-go techie who hates unsightly screen smudges and maybe does a bit of murder on the side.” Was thinking the same thing myself.

78. Spanx Skinny Britches

From Refinery29: “What it says: ‘Whoa there, lady, you really went crazy on the mince pies this yuletide season, didn’t you? Don’t worry, you can squelch up the fat in these bad boys.’ Control pants are fine to buy for yourself, but never okay as a gift. Same applies to anti-aging moisturisers, acne treatments, and fitness DVDs.” Agreed.

79. Gun Lamp

From Huffington Post: “The Bill of Rights not only guarantees the right to bear arms, but it allows Americans the right to have lamps with gun-shaped bases. Regardless of where your views fall in the gun rights battle, it’s safe to say there are many Americans who would love to use this for target practice.” Let’s just say I would never want this to be in my living room. No way in hell.

80. Old Man Peeing Liquor Beverage Dispenser

When it comes to great tasting liquor, some think there’s nothing better than having it from an old man’s genitalia. Of course, I’m not one of these people who thinks the slogan, “Urine for a treat” is appealing.

81. Sandal Socks

Guaranteed to keep your feet warm and your virginity intact (if you haven’t lost it already). But it’ll cost you all your sense of dignity.

82. Slicey the Pig Dashboard Wiggler

Now this just look so fucked up for God’s sake! Seriously, the pig is basically cutting itself in half and doesn’t seem upset about it. Also, it’s eyes are terrifying. No, don’t put this on your car, ever.

83. Car Eyelashes

Enhance your car’s beauty for $32.99 with these lashes to fit on its headlights. Okay, this is just a waste of money. Not to mention, they’ll look pretty stupid on your pickup truck or SUV.

84. Portable Body Scale

As if you thought a regular bathroom scale was bad enough for a gift. This one makes you insecure about your weight when you’re on the go. Yeah, makes you think twice before eating that burger does it?

85. Vibrating Sauna Pants

Man, they still have these and now in a bright orange updated version. Simply adjust the temperature and experience the hot feeling of your sweaty underwear year round.

86. Neckline Trainer

From the Guardian: “Available at all good pseudo-scientific retailers, the Neckline Trainer is a great gift for people who believe that two minutes a day nodding on springs will ‘dramatically reduce the appearance of a double chin’. ” Yeah, I’m sure that’s going to work (sarcasm).

87. Toilet Roll Puzzle

Now this is the kind of gift for someone you hate. Watch the fun, games, and underwear stains as people try to work out how to wipe their ass. Make sure you read the instructions before you hand it over (heh, heh).

88. Which Wittchedy Grub?

Oh, great just the kind of candy everyone wants. Chocolate maggots. Disgusting. Then again, can’t be as bad as crunchy frog, ram’s bladder cup, cockroach clusters, and spring surprise.

89. Marijuana Home Test Kit

Well, if it’s legal, then testing positive won’t be a problem. If not, then you’re basically screwed. And yes, you wouldn’t want to show this to the cops.

90. USB Humping Dog

usb-humping-dog_from-iwantoneofthose.com_

It’s supposed to be a dog humping USB port. Yeah, it’s supposed to look like it’s humping your computer if you plug it in. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous.

91. Teatanic Tea Infuser

Yes, you can now have a replica of a famous ocean liner that hit an iceberg in 1912 and sank into the North Atlantic leaving over 1,500 people dead. Yeah, seems pretty mean if you ask me.

92. Handerpants

Yes, these are underpants for your hands. Don’t ask me why these exist. I wasn’t the one who thought about these.

93. Undercap

Goes well with Handerpants and will make you look even more stupid. Who the hell thinks of these things I have no idea. Seriously, why?

94. Knife Holder Man

Hmmm…..just what I need in the kitchen. A guy to stick knives in which would freak out the kids. Now why did they think this was a good idea? This is just disturbing if you ask me.

95. Canned Unicorn Meat

Looks more like ground meat in glitter. Not sure if the meat is fit for digestion. Disgusting and unappetizing if you ask me.

96. Wake & Bake Dream Griddle Alarm Clock

Might be a great way to wake up to breakfast in bed in the morning. But then you realize someone has to cook the eggs and pancakes. So I wouldn’t recommend this for people who live alone.

97. Animal Modesty Panels

From Refinery29: “Nothing says, ‘Cover it up, Sister Wife’ like a convenient 3-pack of modesty panels!” I think I’d stick with exposing my cleavage than covering it up with tacky animal prints. That’s just stupid.

98. Vino 2 Go

From Refinery29: “Name me one scenario in which a cupholder-sized “Vino2Go” is advisable.” That’s an excellent point. I mean you obviously can’t drink from it while you’re driving. That would get you a DUI. Then again, if you have to have wine on the go, you might need an intervention.

99. Work Boot Personalized Stocking

Because why should you let boys hang their sissy looking Christmas stockings at the fireplace this year? This is the kind of stocking that’s for real men. Looks like some Hummer driving dad isn’t secure with his masculinity.

100. Hobbit Feet Slippers

Because in order to be a big fan of Middle Earth, you have to walk around in a hobbit’s shoes. And since hobbits don’t wear them, you have walk around in slippers of big hairy feet. Gross.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: Humor