The Cosmetic World of Beauty Products


I may not use many beauty products on a regular basis. But even I am aware how far women go to look beautiful. Or at least conform to the standards of beauty of any given time when people expect us to. After all, applying makeup has become a daily ritual for millions of women in western civilization. Every day, we’re all exposed to constant advertising for cosmetics, hygiene products, skin care stuff, hair care items, and anything to enhance on beauty. Because there’s anything advertisers know about women, it’s preying on their insecurities, particularly on personal appearance. Because if you want to get by in life, you have to look pretty, ladies. Or at least try to maintain your physical appearance. Though I usually try to get by with walking a few miles a few days a week along with a shower every other day. Because let’s just say during my high school and college years, I have very little time to paint my face and would rather have my morning routine be as brief as possible. Save on certain occasions like appearing on TV or weddings. Besides, makeup clogs pores, costs money, and doesn’t have the kind of oversight it should under the FDA. However, I do have a certain fascination of crazy products which I like to put in my blog. And beauty products tend to fall in that category. Do a search and you’ll find all kinds of stuff that’s said to enhance your physical appearance. Though I would take that with a grain of salt. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of ridiculous beauty products that you can actually buy. Despite that you actually have to be nuts to do so.

  1. Skin troubles? Try some Besolbo Salmon Egg Return Cream Sleeping Renewal Pack.

According to a description: “With salmon egg being its key component, this cream is rich in vitamins and minerals beneficial to the skin. It regulates the skin’s moisture and nutrition production to be able to enhance its color, texture and overall condition. It is great for hypersensitive skin, aging/sagging skin and dull skin as it has nourishing properties that can help eliminate skin imperfections.” Not sure if I buy it.

2. Worried about wrinkles? Try some anti-aging serum with this non-surgical syringe.

Because why waste so much money on facelifts and Botox, when you can use this? Also, great for freaking out people who are afraid of needles.

3. Enhance your eyebrows with the Billion Dollar Brow Buddy Kit.

I think you have to put the pink oversized tweezers on your face. If you want to see how stupid it looks, there are plenty of pictures of women using it on the Internet.

4. For better skin, try Chia Seed no shine hydrating cream.

Didn’t know the seeds you use on Chia pets and heads had skin moisturizing properties. Said to be for particularly oily skin.

5. Let out your wild side with these animal print eye shadow tattoos.

Sorry, but animal prints are tacky. But luckily these are temporary.

6. Want to enhance your breasts without expensive plastic surgery? Try these.

Just put these 2 silicon falsies in your bra and no one will notice. Though you can also stuff socks in your bra which might be cheaper.

7. Want a nice shapely rear end? Then we have Booty Pop Panties for you.

Think of it as a push up bra for your ass. Bet this product was made possible by Kim Kardashian.

8. If that’s not for you, enhance your ass with Love My Bubbles Butt Pads.

Because it’s not just football players who need extra butt padding. Though they have more of a reason to use these.

9. Got some stray hairs on your face? Use this handy hair removal tool.

I know it looks like 2 bows you use to shoot at flies with tiny arrows. But if you have a stray hair, this will help you pull it out without much fuss. Also, a pair tweezers you probably already have.

10. If you have dry skin on your feet, try some Etud Bebe foot mask.

Because nothing feels better than to rid your drying skin through molting. Okay, that’s kind of disgusting.

11. Got dry, damaged hair? Treat it with Haeyo Mayo Hair Nutrition Pack.

Wow! Didn’t know that mayonaise was a hair enhancement. Yet, unlike the real Helman’s, it smells like vanilla. But don’t use it on your sandwich.

12. Want to ask how Miss Piggy has such fine skin? Now you can know her secret with this Pig-Collagen mask.

From Drama Fever: “Oink oink! Rich in nutritious elements, this pig collagen gel mask is made with 10,000 ppm collagen from pig skin. Why pig collagen you ask? Pig collagen, much like human collagen, helps to keep your skin hydrated skin and enhance it’s elasticity. This mask can help diminish fine lines, increase your skin’s luminosity, and promote supple, baby soft skin.” Uh, no thanks.

13. With JeNu Ultrasonic Infuser, your skin care products can go deeper into your skin.

For one, I have no idea how skin moisturizers work. Second, I have a strong suspicion this is a scam product for some reason.

14. Now put some false eyelashes on with the power of magnetism.

I can see the appeal of these since putting on false lashes must be a real pain in the ass. But since people aren’t made of metal, how are lashes supposed to stay up there?

15. With these lipsticks, your lips can match the color of your favorite vintage.

Yes, they resemble small wine bottles. And if you own a vineyard and want to earn a few extra bucks, perhaps consider selling these.

16. Clean your pores with this silisponge.

It’s supposed to save you from wasting makeup. Yeah, I don’t see the point of this either.

17. Keep your lips moist with some flower balm.

From Odyssey Online: “This balm stain applies on clear then reacts with your skin’s pH levels, uniquely creating the perfect shade of pink lips just for you. Each Flower Balm contains a real chrysanthemum in the color of your choice.”

18. Line your eyes with Inked Cushion Liner.

Said to be the #1 eyeliner at Hogwarts. Then again, they probably use some magic concoction from Diagon Alley.

19. Use every last bit with your very own beauty spatula.

Well, that seems rather handy. Except that the bottle seems rather large.

20. Dress your eyelashes with Besame Cosmetics mascara cake.

If you don’t like getting mascara from the tube, this is for you at $49. Also available in a rectangular box, too.

21. With these brushes, you can make applying makeup a magical time.

Each of these brushes has a unicorn horn handle and rainbow bristles. Please stop the unjust slaughter of these beautiful creatures.

22. Have your lips shine with Big Daddy lipstick.

These would be perfect for any sex dungeon, gay bar, or bachelorette party. Available at Spencer’s in all locations.

23. Customize your lips with Pony’s DIY lip palette.

Because why go with traditional lip shades when you have other colors to choose from? Available at your local rave party or clown store.

24. Treat your skin with some snail mucus cream.

From SPY: “While medical research on the connection between snail secretions and improved skin is still inconclusive, there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest this stuff actually works. Snail slime is secreted to protect their exposed bodies from harm (i.e. bacteria and UV rays), and thus the mollusks secrete a “slime” that is packed with elastin, antibacterials, proteins and glycolic acid. These “ingredients” are all commonly used in skincare to treat acne, aging skin and sagging. Countless reviewers swear by this stuff too, claiming it helped erase fine lines and helps to keep breakouts at bay.” I’ll pass.

25. Rose brushes keep all your makeup needs in one place.

Though all of them seem to be of similar size and thickness. Besides, those flowers don’t resemble roses.

26. Cleanse your skin with Grain Ferment Cleansing Sherbet.

Sounds like something you’d eat instead of what you put on your skin. Said to have all natural ingredients. Not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

27. Get luscious lips with a PMD “kiss” lip pumping device.

Said to plump your lips in a flash. Contains a super-potent lip serum according to SPY. Probably pass on this one.

28. Slim out your face with a Geranium Kogao Sauna Face Mask.

Oh, Japan, you never cease to amaze me. Though using a sauna bet to sweat out body fat is one, this is a whole other level.

29. Keep your face rejuvenated with this Donkey Milk Holic Sleeping Mask.

So before you go to bed, don’t forget to put some ass’s milk in your face. Said to provide vitamins and minerals, apparently.

30. Clear your acne woes with this Neutrogena Acne Clearing Mask.

From PopSugar: “Though you might look a bit like the newest member of Daft Punk while sporting this futuristic face mask, the benefits it claims to provide — clearer, healthier skin — are totally worth it.” Also doubles as a Halloween costume.

31. Look like a beauty queen with an Alterna Caviar Clinical Starter Kit.

Because nothing says, “I’m either very rich or have bad spending habits,” then $122 of fish egg based beauty products. Probably not worth it.

32. Get rid of those wrinkles with Placenta anti-wrinkle cream.

I suppose this is made with sheep placenta. Then again, it being from New Zealand shouldn’t surprise us. Though if we want to know the best anti-aging product from New Zealand, your best bet is the Ring of Power. Okay, it might work for awhile before turning you evil and insane. But that’s beside the point.

33. Every princess deserves the finest such as Azature Black Diamond Nail Polish.

Still, $250,000 is a bit much to spend for a bottle of nail polish. Seriously, you can buy a house with that kind of money.

34. Moisturize your lips with these gel face masks.

Supposed to hydrate and plump lips. Though wear it in public and people will think something’s up with you.

35. Make your skin shine with Broccoli Radiance Power Cream.

For nothing makes your face glow like using a cream containing a vegetable you were forced to eat as a child. Though perhaps eating broccoli might achieve the same results and more.

36. This smile trainer will help you put on a happy face.

Though from how I see the woman wearing it, I don’t think it actually works. But it works for me since it just looks totally ridiculous.

37. Get the lips you want with this plumper.

Seems like she’s sticking her swollen tongue out. Like she experienced some allergic reaction and now needs rushed to the hospital.

38. Keep your eyes perky with this eyelid trainer.

Also makes a great torture device. That one scene in A Clockwork Orange would’ve looked a lot differently with these to keep the main character’s eyes open.

39. Banish that double chin with this anti-double chin bandage.

One commentator on Bored Panda remarked, “Side affect of chin hammock: compression of the remaining facial features, resulting in Resting Bitch Face.” Doesn’t look very comfortable to wear either.

40. This nose straightener will keep your schnozz in check.

Said to come in handy if you’ve eaten beans. Or if the farm next to you has just spread manure.

41. For an elegant profile, go with this nose shaper.

Though it only works best when you’re snorting. Otherwise, not so much.

42. Enhance your beauty with this quality nose shaper.

Let’s just say if Adrien Brody doesn’t feel like he needs these nasal enhancements, neither do you. Unless he works at a pig farm.

43. Do you eyebrows right with this stencil.

Yet, I’m sure this will make you a darling at the Star Trek convention. Don’t be surprised if Captain Kirk wants to add you to your collection.

44. Getting your facial tattoo? Might want to rely on this for some measurements.

Now if you plan on getting a facial tattoo, I have just one question: Why? Seriously, getting a tattoo on your face is just incredibly dumb in itself.

45. Put less strain on your face with is face massager.

Hmmm…might actually work. Also does well as a cat toy.

46. Give your skin the golden touch with a face mask of gold leaf.

Though that treatment didn’t work for a blonde woman from Goldfinger. Then again, she didn’t willingly use a gold treatment either.

47. A silicone face mask is perfect for your beauty needs.

Anyone bet this is used to keep the night creams on your face. Still, looks like a badly done clown makeup job.

48. Enhance your beauty with this facelift bandage with spikes inside.

As someone on Bored Panda wrote: “She looks like she could do with a nice glass of chianti and some Fava beans.” Also, the spikes inside can’t be comfortable.

49. Tone your face with this anti-wrinkle face mask.

Also works well in holdups, killing teenagers, and Halloween. Guaranteed to freak out the neighbors.

50. Speaking of anti-wrinkle masks, this one banishes the lines on your face guaranteed.

A must-have for the latest dominatrix couture for all your BDSM sex dungeon. Available at all kinky sex shops nationwide.

51. Get smooth feet with an Amope Pedi Perfect.

It’s a power sander for your feet which you can use for sandal season. So you won’t have to wear socks under them and look like an idiot.

52. Enhance your face with this anti-wrinkle half face slimming cheek mask.

From Allure: “A neoprene mask that looks like it’s from Hannibal Lecter’s Hello Kitty phase, the device supposedly contours your face while you go along with your day. You can do dishes, read a book, watch some TV, all while wearing a face-only Power Rangers costume.”

53. Get rid of excess cellulite with this Bliss Lean Machine.

From Allure: “No, that’s not a waterproof beach boom box or a chic humidifier for your daughter to take away to college. It’s Bliss’s cellulite-disguising vacuum that sucks and rolls your skin to look less lumpy in three minutes a day.”

54. Make applying mascara easier with E.l.f. mascara and shadow shield.

From Allure: “At first sight, it seems to be a photo-booth prop (we’ll hold the white mustache!), but it’s really a handy tool for a mess-free eye-makeup application. Hold it under your eyes so mascara and eye shadow don’t flake or fall on to your undereye concealer. Makeup artists use Kleenex as guards, but the handle makes this easier to finagle.”

55. Get smooth skin with a Rodan + Fields Redefine Amp MD System.

Yes, it may resemble a medieval torture device that you’d give to a baby boy. Still, what’s even more criminal is that it’s a plastic thing costing $200.

56. Get the Kim Basinger radiant hair with the T3 Source Shower Filter Showerhead.

They say it’s supposed to be a Britta for your showerhead. As if you really need that, especially at $130.

57. Get rid of stray facial hairs Tweezerman Smooth Finish Facial Hair Remover.

Because why thread or wax, when you can roll a coil over facial hair and pull it out by the roots? You know what also works? Tweezers.

58. Make your lips sensational with these Violent Lips Lip Tattoos.

Because if you want lips like Lady Gaga, David Bowie, and Elton John, you have to go beyond the traditional shade. Each tattoo lasts 4-8 hours.

59. Create easy curls with your very own 3D Bomb Brush.

Sure it resembles a medieval weapon you’d give to a budding noble lady. Still, not sure if I want to use it.

60. Keep your skin smooth with a Berrisom Animal facial mask.

From The Gloss: “Last but certainly not least is a sheet mask that I will never, ever put on my face no matter what but if putting placenta on your skin is something your into, by all means, have a blast. Though, it is tempting because the mask will make you look like an adorable, slimy raccoon.”

61. Rev up your lymphatic system with a Cle de Peau Synactif Crème.

From Ranker: “The Methyl Aminomethylcyclohexane Carboxamide (MACC-PD) in this creme apparently revs up the lymphatic system. Yeah, we know that’s a lot of science all at once. Basically, it’s supposed to get rid of all the waste that causes wrinkles.” Costs about $1,000. And I bought my new laptop for less than half of that.

62. With Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret, nothing will stop you from curly locks.

From Style Caster: “Now, your curling wand can magically do the work for you. Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret is a curling device that has a rotating bit that sucks in a section of hair to coil it around its heated ceramic center to make a perfectly proportioned curl before you wind your hair back out. Sounds scary? This thing has two heat settling and timer settings so you don’t over-fry your hair. Listen for the beep to know when your curl is ‘done.'”

63. Get rid of dead skin with these silk worm cocoons.

Yes, you kind of wished these were cotton balls. And you have to put them on your fingers. Though I’d rather boil these and turn them into a silk scarf.

64. Keep your face radiant with a Lace Hydrogel Mask Sheet.

Now you can either dress up as Hannibal Lector or the Phantom of the Opera. Okay, the Phantom only wears half a mask, but still I don’t care.

65. Shine your pearly whites with some charcoal teeth whitener.

So how do you whiten your teeth with charcoal? Because its powdery blackness doesn’t really convince me.

66. Dry your nails with this contraption.

Just put your hand under the tubes and pump air on it. Not sure if this works like a charm.

67. Make dreams come true with some cheese cream.

Now I love cream cheese which I’d put on basket crackers. But this is utterly ridiculous on so many levels.

68. Instead of lining your eyebrows, how about stamp them?

Well, sure seems like a real time saver. Though I don’t really feel like stamping my brows anyway.

69. Have to shave? Try this new trimmer.

You use it to trim excess body hair. And you can charge it on your computer.

70. Get yourself clean with a Salux Japanese Beauty Bath Washcloth/Towel.

Is it a towel or washcloth? Who cares? If you need a cleanse, this cloth is for you. Comes in 3 different colors.

71. Keep your eyes rejuvenated with Bird’s Nest Aqua Eyepatch.

It’s made of bird’s saliva, by the way. Yes, I know that’s completely disgusting.

72. Got puffy eyes? Try this heated, vibrating wand for size.

Yes, I know what it looks like. But it’s for the eyes, not the other part you’re thinking about.

73. Everyone should have something to massage their face.

Yes, this one is from Japan. And yes, they never cease to come up with crazy stuff to do to your face.

74. There’s something fishy about these brushes.

Well, these have rainbow mermaid fish tails. So if you have a sea themed vanity, these are for you.

75. Make your skin clean with ocean riches thanks to Givenchy Le Soin Noir with Black Algae Sap.

Actually you might want to go to the beach for the black algae treatment. It will cost less than $390.

76. Smooth these fine lines and wrinkles with Guerlain Orchidee Imperiale Treatment.

From Ranker: “All you need is 28 days and a small fortune to smooth those fine lines and wrinkles.” Well, a small fortune of $1,550 which is more than 3 times the amount I paid for a new laptop.

77. Remove excess hair with this home threading tool.

Yes, you remove hair with this. Still, I think it would be easier to do it with tweezers. Works for me.

78. Get your hair in model shape with hair Velcro.

From Stylecaster: “You know how you always seen backstage beauty shots of models getting ready for the runway with metal clamps around tissue paper holding their hair back? Hair velcro is the same concept, sans clamps and doesn’t leave any kinks or marks as you keep your bangs and baby hairs pulled back while you do your makeup, wash your face, or just want your hair out of your face. They release easily without pulling too since the velcro is shallow.”

79. Get your hair dry with this Harry Josh Pro Tools Pro Dryer 2000.

For $300, this hair dryer should also give you a back massage. Because $300 is a ridiculous price for a hair dryer.

80. Got gray hair? Take these Gray Hair Rescind Capsules.

From Refinery 29: “Why spend a ton of money on regular hair dyes when you can pop a pill to banish those dreaded gray hairs? And, if you like these, perhaps we can interest you in this bottled fairy dust we have over here. “

81. Trinity Facial Toner gives you a face lift at home.

From Refinery 29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”

82. Shave your legs and attract your lover with Crazy Girls Wanna Be Naked shaving cream.

From Refinery29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”

83. Get smooth feet with the Baby Foot Easy Pack.

From Refinery29: We all want smooth feet, right? Sure — but Baby Foot takes that a step further. You apply the pads, and then a few days later, the skin on your feet peels off in one sheet. Your feet molt. Do a Google search of this product and see the results — we dare you.”

84. To ward off the smell of a silent but deadly, a Flat-D Flatulence Deodorizer is for you.

From Refinery29: “Not only is it a pad that absorbs the smell of your farts, but it’s also reusable. Excuse us while we gag.”

85. Apply your makeup with a Beauty Blender Bling Ring Kit.

From Refinery29: “We swear by the BeautyBlender, but do we really need to worship it on an elaborate, bejeweled throne? You decide.”

86. Do your nails with this Ring Pop nail polish holder.

From Refinery29: “This Ring Pop- shaped contraption holds your polish for you while you paint your nails — in case you are painting your nails in space, for example.” Kind of makes sense.

87. Get the right eye look with these Beth Bender Beauty eyeliner stencils.

From Refinery29: “We have trouble with getting our cat eyes even, sure. But is a protractor really necessary?”

88. Get your hair done with this Robocut Bumblebee Tool.

From Refinery29: “Well, at least this product is innovative. But do you really want a haircut from your vacuum?” No, definitely not.

89. Sure holding your hairdryer is a pain. That’s why there’s Blo & Go portable hair dryer holder.

From Refinery29: “A hands-free hair dryer — what could possibly go wrong?” Recommended best of Hindu gods, apparently.

90. Get your hair conditioned with a Hask Henna ‘n’ Placenta Dual-Action Conditioning Hair Treatment.

From Refinery29: “Placenta hair masks definitely fall under the far, far “beyond” of Bed, Bath, & Beyond.” No, just no. Henna’s fine but placenta? No.

91. Get rid of split ends with this Split-Ender Pro kit.

From Refinery29: “You could spend $250 on a device that supposedly re-seals your split ends. Or, you know, just set aside $45 for a trim. Up to you.” I’ll take $45 for a trim, thank you very much.

92. Keep your lashes tidy with this Upper Lower Lash Applicator Guide Eyelash Comb.

Refinery29: “We’re a little wary using this terrifying, Jaws-like contraption near our eyes, TBH.” Yes, it looks quite menacing.

93. Smell sweet with some Jean Patou Joy Baccarat Pure Parfum.

By the way, only 50 bottles of this stuff are made every year. And they cost $1,800 each. Not worth it.

94. Kre-at Beauty 24 Karat Gold Lashes will give your eyes a golden touch.

From Ranker: ” Beauty
What’s that? You’ve got some 24K gold dust in your eye? Well, the price is definitely something to cry about. ” Costs $236. Also, Lenny Kravitz wore gold eyelashes in The Hunger Games.

95. Let people know how you feel with some mood changing lipstick.

Not sure how this works. But it can possibly go with mood rings and other mood shit.

96. Protect your nails with these nail polish clips on your fingers.

Sure it might seem that you have pincers on your fingers. I know it looks pretty ridiculous.

97. Get that orange glow with some Cheetos bronzer.

From PopSugar: “Whether you’re in need of a novelty gift for your favorite cheese-loving friend or want an instant way to make your face great again, this limited-edition Cheetos bronzer is something you may want to start hunting down online.” Still, why anyone would want a complexion of Donald Trump or an Oompah Loompah is beyond me.

98. This Orogold Cosmetics 24K Nano Night Recovery gives you a golden facial mask.

From Ranker: “Yup, that 24K means gold. Real gold, people! For your face!” Though $1,000 is way too much for a facial treatment.

99. Get resplendent locks with Philip B Russian Amber Imperial Shampoo.

From Ranker: “Photo: Amazon
All you need is just one wash! At least that’s what the website says…” Though $140 is a steep price for a shampoo.

100. For serious dirt removal, try on this Blackhead Removal Peel Off Mask.

Though you might find it at any drugstore, it’s probably best you don’t undergo this treatment in front of your black friends. Because a black facial carries a host of deeply racist implications.

The Crazy World of Historical Beauty Tips

4. Pavonia_0

Disclaimer: These tips are historical for a reason and aren’t meant to be applied at home. Most of the time it calls for treatments containing chemicals that have been deemed poisonous and/or dangerous as well as lead to unfortunate side effects. As a result, even if such treatments give you the desired beauty results, you shouldn’t try them at home for to do so is as stupid as shit. Seriously, it was seriously stupid, if not downright insane for our ancestors to try such treatments then.

Cosmetology isn’t a strong subject of mine. In fact, I normally don’t wear makeup at all since I think it’s a massive waste of money and a massive waste of time to put it on. Besides, when I was in high school, I tried to come up with a morning routine pertaining to getting ready as quickly as possible. Because in order to catch the bus at a quarter till 7, I had to get up before 6 in the morning. Putting on makeup was just too much for me so I only wore when I had to which was when I had to go on Hometown HiQ in my junior and senior years. But since I tend to have lovely face to begin with, attracting guys isn’t much of a problem for me. Nevertheless, while beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it doesn’t stopped people for being obsessed with it, especially women. And for centuries, people would go to great lengths to look desirable whether it is to attract a spouse, show wealth and power, and appear to please guests. Yes, I know people tend to be shallow in the pursuit of beauty. Yet, sometimes this would mean resorting to treatments that seem insane, disgusting, and even dangerous. Here I list the all the crazy ways people have tried to achieve the perfect look.



To have skin like a gorgeous 18th century beauty, always apply a generous amount of powder of white lead as. Consuming arsenic also helps, too. Of course, they’ll eventually kill you through slow poisoning. But that’s the price you pay for keeping up appearances.

“Moles may be removed by moistening a stick of nitrate of silver, and touching them: they turn black, become sore, dry up, and fall off. If they do not go by first application, repeat. They are generally a great disfigurement to the face and should be removed, but it is better and safer to consult a surgeon before taking any steps to remove them.” (This is from the 1800s. Still, I think the notion of consulting a doctor before taking any steps to remove moles should’ve been the first thing discussed here. Also, while silver nitrate in low concentrations and brief exposure can control nosebleeds and prevent gonorrhea, it’s still very toxic and corrosive. Side effects can consist of burns and eye damage.)

In Ancient Greece, a mix of olive oil and white lead will whiten the skin. (While it did lighten the skin, women who used such beauty treatments were also subjected to death by slow lead poisoning which was absorbed in the skin. This is why lead based makeup is so dangerous.)

For that aristocratic European paleness, it’s always recommended to go with lead makeup and consuming arsenic for a white glow on the skin. You can even bleed yourself for a more natural pale look with leeches. (Okay, so women in Europe from the Elizabethan Era to the 19th century would try to achieve a pale complexion through either poisoning themselves which would shorten their lifespan or bleeding themselves with leeches. Arsenic is linked to a number of cancers including bladder, lung, skin, nasal passages, and more as well as hair loss and goiters. They also tried mercury which is also poisonous. That’s disturbing.)

For great skin complexion like a geisha or a kabuki performer, nothing works like nightingale poop. (Since nightingale poop contains guanine, it’s said to actually work and you can have such treatment at $180. Still, this is pretty disgusting.)

Want to get rid of those unsightly freckles? Use some lavender freckle lotion. (Warning: contains hydrochloric acid, which might make your face melt off like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I think I’ll keep my freckles, thank you very much.)

To remove freckles, mix lemon juice, sugar, and borax before rubbing it onto your skin. (Who knew that an 1891 freckle removing solution contained similar ingredients to floor cleaner?)

Want to get rid of those unsightly scars? A treatment involving blades running through your chemically hardened skin is recommended. (This treatment was an idea by some sadistic dermatologist in the early 1900s. Side effects include intense pain as well as potentially more scarring and infection. Yes, it does seem like something you’d see from the Stephen King School of Dermatology.)

For extreme medieval pallor, controlled bleeding is just the ticket. (Aristocratic women did this in the 6th century. Let’s just say it didn’t do wonders for their life expectancy.)

A Parisian beauty always had facials of raw beef or veal on your face. (Okay, that’s disgusting, unsanitary, and sure to attract vermin and pets.)

Banish unsightly freckles with covering your face with bull or hare blood. (This is from 14th century England. Probably something not guaranteed to work and is incredibly disgusting.)

For a Medieval bath, get yourself clean with some soap that’s available in tallow, ash, and beef or mutton fats. (Guess bathing in the Middle Ages isn’t very pleasant. Besides, wouldn’t you have to have a bath after your bath to get all the ash and animal fat off? I mean they might’ve worked okay but wouldn’t make you smell nice. Maybe that’s why people at that time wore a lot of perfume.)

For a glowing complexion in Ancient Rome, a concoction of gladiator sweat and fat from the animals they slew is best recommended. (That’s nasty. Very nasty.)

For lovely complexion, it’s best to wear a toilet mask overnight. (This is from the Victorian Era. Also doubles as a Halloween costume.)



f you’re a woman of Ancient Athens who seeks to have the highly coveted locks of the mighty Aphrodite, drench your hair in vinegar and bleach. Sure it might lead to hair falling out but you can always wear a wig.

“One-half ounce sugar of lead, one half ounce lac sulphur, one ounce glycerine, one quart rain water. Saturate the hair and scalp with this two or three times per week and you will soon have a head free from gray hairs and dandruff, while the hair will be soft and glossy.” (Too bad people from the 1800s didn’t have Head and Shoulders {which gets rid of dandruff but not gray hair}. But a gray hair treatment containing lead is not a good idea.)

To achieve the highly coveted blond hair like Aphrodite, drench your hair in vinegar and bleach. (Ancient Greek women who tried to achieve blond hair this way would later have their hair fall out. This would lead to the popularity of wigs. You have to wonder why they just go with their natural hair color in the first place.)

An ideal hair length for a Japanese woman is 2 feet below the waist. (I’m sure hair care for a Japanese woman didn’t come cheap. And I bet her long hair had plenty of split ends.)

Want red hair like Queen Bess? Try a concoction of lead, quicklime, sulfur, and water. (A lot of women tried to do such thing back in the Elizabethan Era. Side effects are headaches, nausea, and regular nosebleeds. On second thought maybe trying to get Queen Elizabeth I’s ginger locks is totally not worth it.)

For the most ornate and sculpted powdered wig at the royal court, lard helps hold the locks in place. (Wigs were very popular during the 18th century that many of these could be quite huge. However, lard tended to attract lice and other vermin that sometimes a cage was even set over the woman’s head at night to keep the rats at bay. You heard me, some of those women slept in these ridiculous vermin attracting wigs. Also, the wigs might be powdered with lead, a poison we’re all familiar with. Or flour which also attracts vermin.)

For soft, sexy, and luscious hair, Lola Montez recommends a mixture of salts of tartar, lemon juice, camphor, and tincture of cantharides. (Cantharides are also known as Spanish Fly which is a powerful blister causing irritant.)

According to Thomas S. Sozinsky, a mixture of cantharides and ammonia make a great scalp invigorator. (No, it causes blisters on the scalp and makes them more painful.)

Parents should cut their children’s hair because it makes it turn coarse and wiry. (So say the Victorians. However, most parents cut their kids’ hair when they’re a little more than a year old.)

Since hair is living tissue that draws on resources from the body, parents shouldn’t allow their kids’ hair grow beyond 6 inches until they turn 14, lest overtax their systems and cause them to perish. (This is another Victorian beauty tip. However, hair is dead tissue and it won’t overtax kids systems.)

A girl should never have scissors touch her hair after the age of 5 or it’ll be scraggly and limp when she gets older. (Actually when your kid turns 5, you should start taking them to a professional for their haircut already. This goes for boys and girls. And no, cutting doesn’t make hair scraggly and limp. Seems like the Victorians have no idea about hair at all.)

According to Annie Jenness Miller, a gentle electrical current is excellent for the scalp. (I’m not so sure about that. I mean don’t the send electrical current to the scalp for convicts in the electric chair?)

In ancient Arabia, it’s best said that dipping your hair in camel urine achieves a great shine. (Maybe, but it won’t make your hair smell good either.)

For blond hair in Renaissance Venice, rub lion urine into your hair before giving it a healthy dose of sunshine so it can bleach. (Okay, I don’t think this was effective. Also sounds gross. Not to mention, where the hell would they get a lion in Renaissance Venice?)

Washing is bad for your hair. So in order to keep it clean, spend 30 minutes brushing it. (This is from the 19th century. Of course, brushing it for 30 minutes won’t keep it as clean as a 10 minute shower.)

For blond hair in the Middle Ages, mix honey and white wine together, apply it to your hair, and then leave it overnight. Then, add a mixture of calendine roots, olive-madder, oil of cumin seed, box shavings, and saffron. Wash off after 24 hours. (I have no idea why anyone thinks such concoction would work. But it’s certainly crazy and disgusting.)

Weight Loss and Figure Control


In the Victorian Age, no lady would ever be caught dead without wearing a corset to give her as dainty a a waist as possible. Sure it might crush your internal organs and cause difficulty in breathing, but you’ll look amazing.

Swallowing tapeworms is a great way to keep yourself slim and trim. (Again, women from the Elizabethan Era to the early 20th century for losing weight. Nevertheless, please don’t do this.)

Pouring ammonia into your bath and taking it orally is a great way to lose weight. (Or so the Victorians thought. But yeah, you will lose weight if you drank ammonia because you’d die. However, it’s not. Seriously, don’t do this for the love of God.)

Achieve support and a slim waist with lacing yourself in a corset. (This was widely used between the late Middle Ages to the early 1900s. The 19th century corsets were made from whalebone and were especially popular. Sure not all women tightened their corsets to the point of injury. But I’m sure they weren’t good for a woman’s internal organs.)

For a tinier waist, it always helped to get your lower ribs removed. (Women in the Victorian era did this and so do some women today. However, I would never recommend this.)



From the T’ang Dynasty to the early 20th century, well off Chinese mothers would bound their daughters’ feet from a young age to achieve “golden lotus” feet which permanently crippled on. Also, after these women got married, they usually had to make love with their husbands with their shoes on. And yes, those feet look incredibly gruesome.

For calloused feet, get a pedicure by sitting in a pool of flesh eating doctor fish. (This is a method that’s popular in Japan and in parts of Asia. Yet, these fish usually eat the dead skin and leave the meaty stuff behind. It’s actually still around at high end spas for rich people. However, putting your feet in a pool of flesh eating fish sounds like the stuff of nightmares. Also, this treatment is banned in the US for being unsanitary.)

If you want your girls to improve their marriage chances in old time China, make sure you bind her feet when she’s between 4-7 so they won’t grow to normal size. (This was a horrifying and painful beauty practice that crippled many women since it was first practiced among court dancers during the T’ang Dynasty. Also, these lotus feet had folds so deep that they couldn’t be cleaned that women had to keep their feet covered at all times even in the sight of their husbands. Side effects include septicemia {which is a potentially life threatening bacteria in the blood}, poor circulation, and gangrene.)

Annie Jenness Miller says that generous applications of cannabis is great for corns on your feet. (Cannabis, eh? Wonder what else you’d use it for?)

Acne Management

Got acne? Try the Pokitonoff acne treatment by mixing Vaseline with Ergotine. (This was from the turn of the 19th century. Also, if your teenager experiences hallucinations after using it, remember that Ergotine is basically LSD which does absorb through the skin. So I guess a side effect to fighting pimples was tripping balls. It’s as if this idea came from a dermatology center run by Dr. Timothy Leary.)

According to Thomas S. Sozinsky, the best way of getting rid of acne is to take pills containing compound extracts of colocynth, sulphate of iron, and nux vomica. (As I said before, nux vomica is strychnine which is a deadly poison. However, it didn’t stop other beauty manuals from rubbing it on your head as a hair tonic and putting it in skin cream. Neither of which is a good idea.)

How to get rid of acne by Ovid: “Make haste and bake pale lupins and windy beans. Of these take six pounds each and grind the whole in the mill. Add thereto white lead and the scum of ruddy nitre and Illyrian iris, which must be kneaded by young and sturdy arms. And when they are duly bruised, an ounce should be the proper weight. If you add the glutinous matter wherewith the Halcyon cements its nest, you will have a certain cure for spots and pimples.” (Sure Ovid may be best for his poems and prose in Ancient Rome. But he’s terrible with beauty advice, especially since his recipe contains white lead, cave wall scum, and bird spit. One is a known poison, the other two, you have to do something stupid to get.)

To get rid of blemishes, it helps to use mercury. (Mercury can be easily absorbed through the skin and cause birth defects, kidney and liver problems, fatigue irritability, tremors, depression, a metallic taste in the mouth, and death. So you’re probably better off with a face full of pimples.)

Body Hair Removal


Want to get rid of pesky body hair? Try x-ray removal which removes body hair through heavy exposure. However, heavy exposure can cause cancer and kill you.

For enhanced beauty in Japan, a geisha should remove her eyebrows with tweezers and paint a pair a thick, false eyebrows. (I really don’t see the point of this. Couldn’t they just go with their real eyebrows? But at least they didn’t put dead mice for eyebrows like 18th century aristocrats.)

Having trouble getting rid of unsightly body hair? A homemade depilatory cream containing abrasives like quicklime and arsenic is recommended. (Sorry, but smooth skin isn’t worth getting poisoned to death over. Besides, quicklime is used in construction.)

To remove body hair at a time with no razors in sight, buff up with sandpaper. (Women in the 1940s did this during WWII. However, let’s just say it’s less effective than waxing but just as painful. Ouch.)

Tired of shaving? Well, remove your hair with an X-Ray treatment. (Yes, heavy exposure to X-rays might remove body hair, which is why a lot of rich people did it back in the day. However, there’s a reason why people who do and get X-rays today have to wear protective gear, because they cause cancer.)

Remove unwanted body hair by rubbing a mixture of red orpiment, gum of ivy, ants’ eggs, and vinegar. (This is from the Middle Ages. And yes, it’s gross.)

Hair Restoration

Got baldness? Well, rub in a mix of various household ingredients along with nux vomica and cantharides. (These two ingredients are known as strychnine and Spanish Fly. Both are poisonous and deadly. May not help men with baldness but side effects include horrible spasms and paralysis, possibly with an erection. Yes, this so-called treatment for baldness is as stupid as shit.)

If you live at a time before Rogaine, you might want to cure your baldness, rub in some paraffin wax into your roots. (This was a treatment for baldness in the early 1900s when open flames were used a bit more liberally than they are today. So until a guy’s hair grew in, keeping his highly flammable head away from everything was in his best interests.)

A mixture of Hound’s Tongue and hog’s lard can deter hair loss. (To be fair Hound’s Tongue is a plant in which you bruise the leaves and make a juice out of it. With that you boil it in hog’s lard.)


To slow down aging skin in the ancient world, a facial mask or a mud bath with crocodile dung is recommended. (The Greeks and Romans did this. Sure it’s disgusting. But at least no one was dying from it. That we know of.)



For eye makeup in Ancient Egypt, line your eyes with black lead based kohl. Yes, lead is poisonous which can kill you but it does enhance the Egyptian look, doesn’t it?

Achieve the look of an Ancient Egyptian with lead based kohl eyeliner. (Lead based makeup has been used for centuries. However, keep in mind that lead based makeup is dangerous which can lead to lead poisoning which can cause seizures, coma, reproductive problems, skin inflammation, muscle and joint pain, high blood pressure, and death. Also, both men and women used eyeliner in Ancient Egypt.)

For big pupils, use eye drops of Belladonna. (Women in the 19th century did this since big pupils were apparently sexy back then. But it’s also so toxic that it’s also known as Deadly Nightshade. Side effects include visual distortion, light sensitivity, heart palpitations, blindness, and death. Your eyes were created for sight, not for beauty.)

According to Lola Montez, the best way to achieve glistening, brilliant, beautiful eyes is to squeeze orange juice directly into them. Sure it will hurt but the results are worth it. (Sorry, but they’re not since orange juice in your eyes might temporarily blind you. Let’s just say if you want glistening, brilliant, beautiful eyes, just do either nothing or what’s recommended by your eye doctor. Because you need to see from them.)

A wash for irritated eyes should consist of rosewater, opium, and ammonia. (Yeah, nothing like ammonia and opium for a soothing eye bath. Please don’t do this.)

For enhanced lashes, get eyelash extensions. (Women were doing this around the turn of the century. A newspaper article from 1899 describes it as this: “An ordinary fine needle is threaded with a long hair, generally taken from the head of the person to be operated upon. The lower border of the eyelid is then thoroughly cleaned, and in order that the process may be as painless as possible rubbed with a solution of cocaine. The operator then by a few skilful touches runs his needle through the extreme edges of the eyelid between the epidermis and the lower border of the cartilage of the tragus. The needle passes in and out along the edge of the lid leaving its hair thread in loops of carefully graduated length.” Sounds horrifying, does it?)

For eyebrow tint, mascara, and eyeliner, best use resin, frankincense, and tar. (Victorian women did this. Still, tar for eyebrow enhancement.)

Breath and Body Odor

Have bad breath? Chew a lump of charcoal. (Women used to do this in the 1800s, which left them minty fresh and black toothed. Thank God for toothpaste.)

For fresh breath in ancient Rome, gargle with some mouthwash of Portuguese urine. (I’m sure the Romans had a different idea of minty freshness. Still, that’s utterly disgusting.)



For a long time in Japanese history geishas and married women applied the painful, time consuming, and arduous task of ohaguro which translates to “black teeth.” This was applied every 3 days or so

For blackened teeth, a Heian geisha should use a mixture of oxidized iron fillings steeped in an acidic solution. (Sure a Heian geisha might be seen as a great beauty but I’m sure painful reactions from the dangerous chemicals were common. Married women also blackened their teeth with lacquer which was a foul and time consuming process that was repeated every 3 days or so. However, it did protect against tooth decay, but I’m not sure if that’s a good way to do it. Luckily the Japanese government banned this practice in 1870.)

In Ancient Rome, urine is great for teeth whitening. (But would I want to use it? No way in hell.)


According to Byzantine obstetrician Metrodona, you can tone up your rack with a mix of red wine and white lead. (Let’s just say firm and supple boobs aren’t worth stinking like a wino and getting lead poison over.)

Small boobs keeping you single? Well, get some breast implants. Available in ivory, glass balls, or ground rubber. (Yes, you could get a boob job in the 19th century. However, considering the implant materials you probably wouldn’t want to.)


To achieve a red stain on your lips in Mughal India, make chewing betel leaves an essential part of your beauty routine. (Chewing betel leaves also lead to women’s teeth decayed. Sorry, but it’s totally not worth it.)

Want red lips like an Ancient Egyptian princess? Use some lipstick that includes some bromine mannite. (Bromine is a highly toxic that it was used as a chemical warfare agent during World War I. And these it’s shipped in lead lined steel drums. Side effects include skin burning as well as kidney failure and brain damage over time. It’s incredibly obvious why they no longer have bromine lipstick.)



To aid makeup artists for styling movie stars, Max Factor came up with a beauty calibrator in 1934. It’s said to give great measurements and detect flaws. Seems more like something that came out of the Edgar Allan Poe School of Cosmetology to me, but that’s just my opinion.

In ancient India, using cow urine is a great for losing weight, acne-fighting, healing cracked heels, and cleansing your system. (Not sure if this works and I really don’t want to know.)

Don’t have dimples? Then try Isabelle Gilbert’s dimple machine. (This was used in 1936 but it was only a fad. Because this contraption was very uncomfortable. Really, do you really want your cheeks pierced?)

With thorium chloride and radium bromide, radioactive cosmetics “Stimulates cellular vitality, activates circulation, firms skin, eliminates fats, stops enlarged pores forming, stops and cures boils, pimples, redness, pigmentation, protects from the elements, stops ageing and gets rid of wrinkles, conserves the freshness and brightness of the complexion.” (This is from a Thor-radia ad from the 1930s. Still, you don’t want radioactive makeup since radiation is known to cause cancer.)

For makeup artists, help actors achieve a movie star look with the beauty calibrator. (This is from the 1930s to help measure a subject’s face to see where improvements can be made. But to me, it resembles an iron maiden for the head that’s straight from the Edgar Allan Poe School of Cosmetology.)

A beauty vacuum helmet surrounds you with low atmospheric pressure that will make you look amazing. (A 1940s invention that seems like you’d find in a beauty salon that’s subject to a Stephen King novel.)

Ladies, for unsightly odors for where the sun don’t shine, a diluted solution of Lysol is the ticket. (Vaginal douching with Lysol was common for women back in the day for hygiene as well as birth control {which isn’t very effective}. Your grandmother might’ve done this for either purpose. Sure it might prevent infections, make your vagina squeaky clean, and lead to marital bliss. But it also happened to cause inflammation, burning, and death. Let’s just say I’d rather leave my stinky ladyparts alone, thank you very much.)

For those who have a sagging chin, the double chin reducer. (This is an old beauty contraption which looks very painful to wear. Maybe youthful beauty isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.)

For a perfect nose, try the nose helmet. (Another old beauty contraption that seemed to deliver nothing but a perfect headache since it would have to be strapped on tightly for painful nose reshaping. Maybe if you’re wishing to have a perfect nose, perhaps take a tip from Adrien Brody and just accepting your imperfect schnozz for the way it is. After all, he hasn’t fared too badly and he’s a freaking movie star.)